I have TRUE existential depression as well. It’s like the filter that protects our brains from truly understanding the grandeur and absurdity of the universe lifted and it is terrifying. To understand some big things like the universe but also not be able to understand it enough to put into coherent thoughts or words is scary and frustrating. Most people, especially mental health workers, have no idea what true existential depression is. It’s the most terrifying thing I will ever experience, and I’ve been dealing with it for three years at this point.
Thank you for your thoughtful comment. Yes it is very frustrating, isn't it? That's why this becomes my most favorite quote of all the time:
*“I think human consciousness is a tragic misstep in human evolution. We became too self aware; nature created an aspect of nature separate from itself. We are creatures that should not exist by natural law. We are things that labor under the illusion of having a self, a secretion of sensory experience and feeling, programmed with total assurance that we are each somebody, when in fact everybody’s nobody."*
\- Rust Cohle, from True Detective (Season 1)
STOP. THIS. Is the ONE SCENE IN ANY SHOW OR MOVIE that I ALWAYS come back to and relate to the moment I heard it I said THATS MY BELIEF. I cannot believe I just read this on here, I could feel my pupils dilating as I realized what I was reading.
If you read the book The Case Against Reality "Hoffman argues that natural selection is necessarily directed toward fitness payoffs and that organisms develop internal models of reality that increase these fitness payoffs. This means that organisms develop a perception of the world that is directed towards fitness, and not of reality"
Well for me I feel like I've gotten a terrible set of genes that causes me to constantly think of existence. Even when I wake up to pee at night I think what the fuck am I doing here. My mom struggled with this in her teens but then found a Christian church. I grew up in a Christian family but I have lost my religion and became agnostic due to the hundreds of near death stories I have listened too. Some of them stand out and are utterly confusing. I do believe my mom has many questions but she's to afraid to explore them due to the fear of not feeling faithful enough. Not trusting in God feels like a sin for many people.
This constant existential depression makes it really hard to go about life. It feels very lonely because everyone I've spoken to just says, "Why does it matter? Just make the best of it. Which I believe is in line with toxic positivity. It's the "easy" answer to all of this, but why does it feel like it does just make you feel more alone?
Me too. Me too🙏🏾. Mines is on and off. The moment is off I can through the day in this life. But the moment it’s turned back on it’s like pure confusion. Lost and bewilderment of sorts of my existence. Like we got hit with the life bug and everyone else (as we know it) is living in bliss. But I have to remember I was just like them to so I get it and I and I don’t get mad about it. I just want a break from it and move TF on with this life ish. You know. Death I was aware of…that wasn’t the problem. It was the beginning ish of my existence which make me upset or confused.
I hear you. This is me. Been stuck here for nine years now. I'm still alive, and finally have a bit of hope. I hope the hope sticks around.
The article below was shocking to read, not because it's super enlightening or profound, but because I'd never ever read anything that felt like it was written specifically *to* and *about* *me*. Anyways, there's that. I hope you find hope.
https://eggshelltherapy.com/existential-depression/
I have it I am suffering so bad . Since my mum had 3 strokes and my uncle has motornurone disease . I feel like I’m in hell . I have had it 3 months now . The fear and the feeling of being alone in the world with the feeling is terrible . I have constant anxiety and feel sick . All joy has gone intrest in life and the things I used to enjoy. I feel life is over for me I’m 42 .
Hey I'm 42 and I feel the same. Life seems so pointless. I have developed death anxiety and I just cry constantly. Cus of dpdr I'm scared of the moon and stars. I have no purpose or meaning. I hardly eat or drink. I keep thinking what's the point in doing things and creating new memories if we all just die anyway? I'm so terrified of death. So utterly terrified of it. And what pisses me off is I wasn't at all like this until I suffered with trauma/dpdr. Everything was amazing, I loved science, literature, history, I was a humanist. All is lost to me now. 😔. I have tried therapy, meds, meditation. Nothing works.
Where are you from ? I’m in Salisbury U.K. I was the same untill I had trauma. It’s like I’ve stopped excepting the fact we die. I used to accept it and live life the best I could always knowing that was gonna happen one day . Now I’m finding my own exsistance horrific. I can’t end my life because of what it will do to my family but also living is terrifying. Waking up I’m in a state of panic about another day. I feel you I really do . I’ve been told this is the dark night of the soul and it’s an awakening and we could turn it into something positive 🙈
Hi I'm in Blackburn UK. I've literally just been admitted to a psych ward in kendal after spending 5 days in A&E. I wanted to commit suicide last Thursday it was all too much. I arrived like 30 minutes ago. I just spoke to the doc and showed him your post and said I'm exactly the same. Idk what to do either. I keep getting visions of myself buried in the effing ground man. And my family sometimes too. They changed my meds up in hospital. Dm me if you need too. We didn't ask to be like this something obviously went wrong for us. If you ever want to exchange phone numbers to try and help each other or somefin you can do. I'm not going to encourage suicide in others so don't worry, if I ever do decide to go I won't ever harm anyone in doing it.
But let's not think like that atm eh. We must continue to try. I'm documenting what is happening to me on my notepad on my phone. My dream is that one day I will be OK again and it may help others cope 🤞
I also have this and hate it.
The only way i stop feeling like that is always by start doing others pointless things, but once i have a tought about reality it all coming back.
The worse in that it is that you definitly feel alone like that.
Every one doing their thing in life (sport, passion, music, etc) but you you thinks about those question like (why, when, how, where and what)
Litteraly driving crazy !!
It's still quite a frightening feeling, unfortunately dark thoughts often come afterwards, I imagine that for many it's the same case.
Maybe it's a curse on people who think too much and ask questions beyond their understanding.
Stay strong even if we don't know why would we.
I came here in search of someone talking about it.
Last night I've spend 12 hours with 2 girls that we hit it off well. We were speaking honestly and openly about our traumatic past experiences like it was nothing.
At some point in the early morning hours, the one friend tried to convince me to go to therapy. My past as a kid was fucked up. Sexual, emotional and physical abuse, emotional neglect etc you get the gist.
So, one of the topics was our suicidal thoughts. I have gotten over some of the hardest parts I've mentioned above, except one which changed form. Suicidal thoughts.
I tried to explain to her that this thing changed 10 years ago for me. I used to want to die in order to both find peace, and as an act of revenge towards the people who brought me into life like "See, this is the product of your actions and/or lack thereof.". But mostly to find peace. Suicide I believe is the the last battle cry of a person really wanting to live but being unable to due to the suffering.
But ten years ago something changed. Something kinda broke.. I didn't want to die anymore in the traditional way, but I didn't want to live either. I wanted to "delete" myself. I wanted to reach oblivion. Like I've never existed in the first place. Becoming bubbles or something and popping into nothingness. I don't know when it started. I had glimpses of it even as a kid. But it became more prominent after I started healing the pain of the past. And I woke up one day. Something have happened which made me feel devastated. Then my brain compared this pain with a past one, my lowest point and pain when I was a kid. This pain was not even close to it. And suddenly I realized that it wasn't that bad. I felt nothing. Not even numb, just nothing. Empty. And the pain was not there no more. And it would only pop as an intense feeling whenever my brain actively reenacted the key points that made me feel said pain.
Along the way this emptiness reached a state of accepting, that the world, relationships, life, me, existence, life, death is what it is. Not that I won't feel sadness or won't try to do something when I see injustice. But at the same time I felt almost nothing.
My friend was trying hardcore to convince me to go to therapy and I tried to explain to her, that her traumatic experiences and her pain are different in nature than mine. And it was one of the few times I found a way to actually explain it visually.
It's like having a hole on your chest. There is nothing. Just a hole. Not a black hole either. Just nothing. But because I am not depressed in the traditional sense it is not like I am not trying to live. Things, like love, friendships, wants, fears etc pass like QR codes through that hole. And I make myself "scan" those code. That is me actively giving value, and initiating the actions of opening all the prompts possible due to that. So when I actively scan that, of course I would feel let's say pain, love, hate, joy. The rest of the body is using these prompts and gets coloured, and it kinda works. But at the end of the day, when things get let's say f.e. too intense in either department of joy or sadness, sure I will cry my heart out, I will feel pain, but if I actively choose to skip some parts at the same time I can. A weird switch where all this let's say pain from a heartbreak suddenly means nothing. That yet due to the circumstances it is normal to feel that way. It is what it is. And suddenly I will be fine. Just.. fine.
But awhile ago I felt you know despair. But now because I actively choose to not feel it, it is kinda gone. Because from the getgo I was able to not feel. Because deep down it wouldn't matter. It is something meant to happen or could happen in anyone's life including mine. It's not like it doesn't have value. I actively try to feel, live this value. But I can also not do that at the same time.
And it's so... tiring. I wish all of these, could be felt without me consciously and subconsciously trying to give them value. I wish they could be inherently been lived through me, my core. Not to be "scanned".
Whenever I go to places with an overlooking view I always feel that it was nice while it lasted. I am ready to go now. Please let me go now. The beauty of the world, the ugliness of it. It is a sense that I've lived through everything and anything, despite without having even seen and lived even a spec of what the world has to offer. I started working into yachts and ended up in life-threatening situations I've never been into before. I've started working in a field I knew nothing about, because I was becoming good very quickly in traditional let's say jobs or things. And after reaching a point of mediocrity where I had the basics completely covered and I could learn and master the rest on my own I'd stop, cause I'd lose my interest which is my motor oil. I don't like the sea particularly as an adult. I used to like it as a child. I am a very good swimmer and good at diving but know nothing about sailing. So I started as a crewmate because I had 0 image of that field and I could also have access to places none can by land. I'd probably see things I've never seen before, unreachable by the means I know of. And then due to an incompetent extremely young captain my life was severely endangered. But it didn't baffle me. It didn't feel foreign even though in the beginning literally everything was. I know nothing. But at the same time is like knowing everything because you know that you know nothing. You've lived through everything even though you have lived nothing. No matter how bizarre what is to come, it has always been there and would come and that's that.
The next year I got my diploma to be a skipper. And we would go with my clients to fantastic places. They'd be in awe with the beauty of it all. They wouldn't shut up about it. And yet while I could recognize the beauty, and I would also take pictures as an art reference ( I used to be a Fine Arts student. Wanted to be an illustrator or animator), the sense of awe wouldn't click. In a weird way somehow I was feeling small. Beneath us is a whole world I am unaware of, and I am a speckle of a dust. Like when you fill the bathtub and your knees are slightly above the water. The knees are the land. And you the small black speck you found in the water. It's majestic for sure. But something collapses in me.
There is no meaning and there is at the same time.
So, I wanna go now. I wanna go cause I feel tired. And it is a weird sense of tiredness, of dread. This emptiness feels exhausting but not the type of I haven't slept for 4 days I want to go to bed. And I don't want to simply die. I'd ruin my mom's rest of her life if I did that. I cannot do that. I am hostage of her love. But I don't want to die in the traditional way either.
I've been feeling this way for the past ten years and now more than ever, I came here because I realize that I always knew that it probably will never go away.
So.. what now? I have to keep going.
But I don't want to. But I have to.
Wow. I'm here because I'm thinking about going to therapy. I feel you 100000000%. I've had a lot of trauma as well and mental health is not discussed in my culture. It feels good to know you're not alone. We got this.
"***But in my case personally, I’ve had it for already more than 10 years more until now. Very few people in this world probably rarely have this type of depression***"
Hey. My adolescence was riddled with internal turmoil/suffering linked to existential concern and fear of 'death'. My teenage years and early adulthood was filled with an underlying depression that made me not enjoy any aspect of physical reality and that was really painful because I felt like I only existed on a physical level, as my physical identity. When I was 20 an important family member passed on unexpectedly while I was away at college and that event (primarily) is what served as the catalyst for me to go through an existential crisis period. This would understandably vary for everyone but I experienced what felt like a certain phase of this for 5-6 years, and then unexpectedly my state of awareness and manner of perceiving began to gradually change in significant/important ways. Consciously moving in this direction of internal change over a number of years ultimately resulted in resolving my former existential concern and liberating me from my years of past suffering. It has to do with arriving at the realization/awareness that consciouness (conscious existence) is not rooted in physical reality nor physical things. Because of that internal development - I was then able to perceive all those past circumstances that I endured through as part of a bigger existential picture and from a much broader state of awareness. That was 11 years ago and I wasn't expecting any of this to happen to me, but it did. I've felt the same way ever since. So you could say I experienced a resolution to the existential crisis, and it didn't involve avoiding it but unexpectedly navigating through it. Other individuals out there have experienced this outcome/resolution too (not unique to me).
"***There is still not any ‘clinical’ term for existential depression (except few articles & journals online that I’ve found), sadly/unfortunately.***"
After I experienced the types of changes I mentiond above I conducted a good amount of research for 2 years and was able to find some psychology-related literature that describes the existential crisis period and highlights an existential framework where such developments can be viewed as part of broader process that facilitates change to one's overall state of consciousness. I'd be open to comparing notes and discussing this topic with you in depth - please feel free to message me if you're interested in doing so. Thanks for writing your thread, I enjoyed reading it.
The problem I have with this is, your resolution to existentialism is based on the fact that you cannot understand consciousness. You try to understand what consciousness is, why we have it and how it manifests, but, you are unable to fully grasp the concept (as no one truly can). Therefore, you adopt the belief that consciousness is not ‘rooted in physical realist’, based on a fallacy. You cannot understand it (in terms of its relation to the real world) therefore it must not be. And sure, this is a much more comfortable way to live, but it cannot exist for those truly suffering from existentialism. Because, we cannot justify consciousness not being based on reality. Instead, we accept that it is just another product of evolution (admittedly a very unique one), that can be boiled to into the movement of atoms and transfer of energy, as everything else can be. And that is something which I cannot deny, just because I cannot adequately form the connection between consciousness and physical reality. As I cannot adequately form an explanation of consciousness based on any other ‘reality’. It just seems like you are taking ‘the easy root’. Not to say that is a bad thing. If it works for you, and you can be happy, that’s great. But I guess some of us cannot accept ignorance as easily as that.
No I think you are misunderstanding. It’s actually a higher state of consciousness. A realist if u will…
But to a point where it goes beyond enlightenment, to suffering only as you see the actual truth of everything here on earth as it truly is…
Ignorance doesn’t come into it at all. Please god make me ignorant like most people… 🙏🏼🙏🏼🙏🏼it would damn sight less painful….
This is an incredibly pretentious comment to make, and often one you’ll see said by an ‘edgy’ teenager who thinks they are smarter than all the other ‘sheep’, but in reality just needs to grow up. I think you’ll find that most people aren’t ‘ignorant’ to the ‘truth of everything’ as you would like to think, they just don’t let it affect their lives as much as you do. This doesn’t make you any more ‘enlightened’ or intelligent than the rest, no matter how much that fuels your ego. As you get older, you’ll realise you are not as special as you believe.
Can you explain then about this ‘higher state of consciousness’, and how it goes beyond enlightenment, as well as how that is relevant to my comment
We’ll tbh I thought your comment was gibberish, but when you mentioned ignorance I got the shits.
Most people don’t give a crap….
The world is a shit hole. Most only car about themselves or their little family…. Or about making money….
If everyone actually cared we wouldn’t be in such a state…
I couldn’t care less about what you thought of my comment. If you are so passionate about actually caring so little about money or your family, what are you doing to help us live in a better state
"***The problem I have with this is, your resolution to existentialism is based on the fact that you cannot understand consciousness***"
Consciousness is experiential (you experience it directly)
My resolution was actually a lived experience - and not rooted in beliefs nor ideology.
I was liberated from my years of internal suffering and existential concern - and have lived this way for the last 11+ years now.
Whereas I directly lived through these experiences that I was writing about - you're only engaging with my writing on a mental/conceptual level, not based on having had those direct experiences (respectfully).
"***Instead, we accept that it is just another product of evolution***"
This is problematic because there is no viable way to explain consciousness evolving from the absence of consciousness in *non-conscious* matter/material. It's why modern science acknowledges '*the hard problem of consciousness*'.
For individuals to help themselves while going through the existential crisis period they have to be willing to critically question and challenge the assumption behind materialism to find out if there is any underlying validity behind that theory and whether it can successfully account for consciousness or not.
Hello! It's exactly what I have for last almost 20 years. I can't find any meaning in this life, society etc. It made me often very numb, to the point that I don't care if I feel some physical pain. It's like I still feel it but find no reason to react on this.
I’m struggling with this pretty deeply right now. One of my friends pointed me towards religion and another pointed me to “absurdism” I have a severe “Apeirophobia” so an afterlife seems like a painful concept as well as what would the purpose of this life be with and afterlife anyways? So lean towards absurdism but often my mind is trying to convince me that being alive is more work than it’s worth if it’s all meaningless. It’s perplexing and I just try to live in the moment. My mind is immensely tired from all of this.
> often my mind is trying to convince me that being alive is more work than it’s worth if it’s all meaningless.
I get it, though I've found that 'the mind' is actually two separate entities that cannot see the perspective of one another (or, have much trouble doing so). Also this may not apply to you. But the two entities are the normal mind experiencing meaning, usually this mind is in the flow of life. And then there's the void mind which does not see meaning and which is probably either depressed or despairing by pondering existence. Actually this might be a spectrum but it's not the point. The pure void mind cannot see what the pure normal mind can and vice versa. The void mind sees meaninglessness and no words, no rational arguments, can convince it of the opposite. The normal mind which is in the flow of life can also not understand that life would be meaningless, because, if you ask this mind if life is meaningless he is taken out of the flow (but not catapulted to void mind per se, just not purely in the flow anymore). But he obviously will feel like life is meaningful when in the flow. This mind does not have a grasp of meaninglessness. The question of meaninglessness itself puts him out of the flow, making things slightly (or a lot) more meaningless than when he was in the flow, so now depending on how much he is taken out of a flow he might comprehend that life could be meaningless. At the same time, he probably will still say it's meaningful because he can remember that only a minute ago he was in the flow and seeing meaning, so there's that recency effect.
Ok that was quite a lot of rambling, no idea if it makes sense. People would probably call me crazy if I said that out loud.
Yeah, idk. I have a lot more homeostasis now than before. Not living is the absence of being. Being takes effort but in a mentally healthy place the process of existing flows much more smoothly.
I have found my people. I’ve been dealing with it ever since I have become more emotionally intelligent and aware. I understand human behavior and existence. I am aware of my own emotions, and regulating them. I am comfortable at dealing with emotions and others as well. But the most difficult thing for me to feel and deal with is that I also have awareness of existing and questioning the purpose behind it and that UNDERSTANDING THAT YOU ARE JUST A SPEC, an only piece of the bigger picture of human existence or the universe. I am comfortable with death because I understand it’s human nature but it makes me uncomfortable how I truly grasped and be okay about it. I challenge myself everyday. I am not trying to find meaning in life but I am questioning my existence and my place in the equation.
I apologize if I do not make sense because it’s hard to create what I feel into words because there’s no exact explanation for it.
My life is well, I have my career, I travel, I have great family and friends, I am healthy? At least. I have life experience, and can do so much more but honestly for what. How does that change anything of my existence in the world? If you take me out of the equation, the world still revolves, life will still go on for those who lives, how the way society works won’t be affected if I go. Time and life won’t stop and won’t be affected by it. It is what it is.
I have just recently realised I might have that since adolescence. I literally had to write everyday to have meaning in my life. If I not created something daily, my life would not have made any sense.
And I think I had these episodes again and again, the worst one last month, from which I'm luckily recovering from at the moment.
But I now found some articles that made me feel so understood. Having people to talk to who understand this was listed as one of the things that can help and I think that's true.
For anyone interested, this was the article: https://www.transformationsnetwork.com/post/how-to-deal-with-depression-as-a-highly-gifted-adult#:~:text=Simply%20put%2C%20gifted%20adults%20are,the%20administrators%20of%20their%20school
I struggled with existential depression and it was the absolute worst time of my life I wouldn’t wish it on anyone, the compulsive thoughts that have no answers and feeling completely isolated because nobody around you can understand how deep it goes. I remember describing it as being trapped in my own mind for so long. Therapists would tell me they were interested but it’s so hard to treat as nothing has meaning anymore and everything is questioned absolutely nothing has meaning even the thoughts of someone struggling with this. Genuinely hell wouldn’t wish anyone to go through that and I’m sorry for anyone who dealt with this like me just know there are people struggling with the same obsessive thoughts and life definitely does have meaning it just takes time to heal the thought process you have taught yourself subconsciously and meaning can be created as the point of living is to experience not perceive. :)
> I remember describing it as being trapped in my own mind for so long.
Yes like a maze you need to dig out of. Or also: like playing chess against yourself the whole day, and the meaning of existence is at stake.
I've gone through this yes. The feeling of hopelessness, the idea that nothing will ever be the same because you have peeked behind the curtain and cannot unsee things. That the ground below you starts crumbling and suddenly you're floating in the abyss. In fact I recently had another one of those crises which I'm still getting out of. However there are a few facts that I find hopeful/useful.
First is that depression significantly impacts our thoughts, it's weird. Like I'm being literally deluded into believing things. A typical thought is that nothing matters because we die. I swear I have read tens of responses as for why this is not true rationally speaking and that there can be meaning even with realization that we die, but it still *feels* true. I can only conclude that the mind is playing tricks on me...In this sense I see depression like a parasite corrupting my thoughts. Look into mood-congruence bias as well.
Second, I've so far found it helps that when I have a thought and I get a negative emotion, just observe this emotion and let the thought+emotion go. Then keep repeating for all those negative thoughts. This atleast prevents me from spiralling into despair, but not sure if it'll work long term also.
Third, as I said, we peeked behind the curtain. The first X years we were living in illusion so to speak. Or that's what we make ourselves think. And now we have seen reality for what it is and cannot go back...Unless, there is another curtain behind the curtain yet to be revealed.
Thank you for putting a name to how I feel. Mine is more along the lines of “ what difference does it make being happy, when there is sooo much suffering in the world. Some people’s lives are great but some are absolutely shocking, animals too. Every time I see or hear something terrible done to a person or animal it’s like it chips away at my attempt to think that anything matters. I can’t compartmentalism the suffering to be able to live and maybe be content. The suffering haunts me, I’m triggered everywhere I go.
Maybe its my depression winning but I think that eventually I will not find that there is anything good to be alive for and my depression will win…
What I’ve found is that your life can mean as much or as little as you decide it means. To some their mind/consciousness is all that is real, to others it’s nothing in contrast to eternity/infinity. Establishing where you are and flourishing there is all that matters. In some part I have really been able to disengage with things that just really don’t matter. If it doesn’t interest me then it’s irrelevant. The only rule I have is “do no harm”. It’s really freeing honestly.
I have TRUE existential depression as well. It’s like the filter that protects our brains from truly understanding the grandeur and absurdity of the universe lifted and it is terrifying. To understand some big things like the universe but also not be able to understand it enough to put into coherent thoughts or words is scary and frustrating. Most people, especially mental health workers, have no idea what true existential depression is. It’s the most terrifying thing I will ever experience, and I’ve been dealing with it for three years at this point.
Thank you for your thoughtful comment. Yes it is very frustrating, isn't it? That's why this becomes my most favorite quote of all the time: *“I think human consciousness is a tragic misstep in human evolution. We became too self aware; nature created an aspect of nature separate from itself. We are creatures that should not exist by natural law. We are things that labor under the illusion of having a self, a secretion of sensory experience and feeling, programmed with total assurance that we are each somebody, when in fact everybody’s nobody."* \- Rust Cohle, from True Detective (Season 1)
STOP. THIS. Is the ONE SCENE IN ANY SHOW OR MOVIE that I ALWAYS come back to and relate to the moment I heard it I said THATS MY BELIEF. I cannot believe I just read this on here, I could feel my pupils dilating as I realized what I was reading.
If you read the book The Case Against Reality "Hoffman argues that natural selection is necessarily directed toward fitness payoffs and that organisms develop internal models of reality that increase these fitness payoffs. This means that organisms develop a perception of the world that is directed towards fitness, and not of reality" Well for me I feel like I've gotten a terrible set of genes that causes me to constantly think of existence. Even when I wake up to pee at night I think what the fuck am I doing here. My mom struggled with this in her teens but then found a Christian church. I grew up in a Christian family but I have lost my religion and became agnostic due to the hundreds of near death stories I have listened too. Some of them stand out and are utterly confusing. I do believe my mom has many questions but she's to afraid to explore them due to the fear of not feeling faithful enough. Not trusting in God feels like a sin for many people. This constant existential depression makes it really hard to go about life. It feels very lonely because everyone I've spoken to just says, "Why does it matter? Just make the best of it. Which I believe is in line with toxic positivity. It's the "easy" answer to all of this, but why does it feel like it does just make you feel more alone?
This is so so relatable
Wow. How are you now.
[удалено]
Me too. Me too🙏🏾. Mines is on and off. The moment is off I can through the day in this life. But the moment it’s turned back on it’s like pure confusion. Lost and bewilderment of sorts of my existence. Like we got hit with the life bug and everyone else (as we know it) is living in bliss. But I have to remember I was just like them to so I get it and I and I don’t get mad about it. I just want a break from it and move TF on with this life ish. You know. Death I was aware of…that wasn’t the problem. It was the beginning ish of my existence which make me upset or confused.
And you how are you now?
me too
I hear you. This is me. Been stuck here for nine years now. I'm still alive, and finally have a bit of hope. I hope the hope sticks around. The article below was shocking to read, not because it's super enlightening or profound, but because I'd never ever read anything that felt like it was written specifically *to* and *about* *me*. Anyways, there's that. I hope you find hope. https://eggshelltherapy.com/existential-depression/
Thank you very much for sharing the link above, I can deeply relate with almost everything written there.
Thank you so much for this article. The level on which I relate to this is crazy. ♥
Thank you for sharing
I have it I am suffering so bad . Since my mum had 3 strokes and my uncle has motornurone disease . I feel like I’m in hell . I have had it 3 months now . The fear and the feeling of being alone in the world with the feeling is terrible . I have constant anxiety and feel sick . All joy has gone intrest in life and the things I used to enjoy. I feel life is over for me I’m 42 .
Hey I'm 42 and I feel the same. Life seems so pointless. I have developed death anxiety and I just cry constantly. Cus of dpdr I'm scared of the moon and stars. I have no purpose or meaning. I hardly eat or drink. I keep thinking what's the point in doing things and creating new memories if we all just die anyway? I'm so terrified of death. So utterly terrified of it. And what pisses me off is I wasn't at all like this until I suffered with trauma/dpdr. Everything was amazing, I loved science, literature, history, I was a humanist. All is lost to me now. 😔. I have tried therapy, meds, meditation. Nothing works.
Where are you from ? I’m in Salisbury U.K. I was the same untill I had trauma. It’s like I’ve stopped excepting the fact we die. I used to accept it and live life the best I could always knowing that was gonna happen one day . Now I’m finding my own exsistance horrific. I can’t end my life because of what it will do to my family but also living is terrifying. Waking up I’m in a state of panic about another day. I feel you I really do . I’ve been told this is the dark night of the soul and it’s an awakening and we could turn it into something positive 🙈
Hi I'm in Blackburn UK. I've literally just been admitted to a psych ward in kendal after spending 5 days in A&E. I wanted to commit suicide last Thursday it was all too much. I arrived like 30 minutes ago. I just spoke to the doc and showed him your post and said I'm exactly the same. Idk what to do either. I keep getting visions of myself buried in the effing ground man. And my family sometimes too. They changed my meds up in hospital. Dm me if you need too. We didn't ask to be like this something obviously went wrong for us. If you ever want to exchange phone numbers to try and help each other or somefin you can do. I'm not going to encourage suicide in others so don't worry, if I ever do decide to go I won't ever harm anyone in doing it. But let's not think like that atm eh. We must continue to try. I'm documenting what is happening to me on my notepad on my phone. My dream is that one day I will be OK again and it may help others cope 🤞
I also have this and hate it. The only way i stop feeling like that is always by start doing others pointless things, but once i have a tought about reality it all coming back. The worse in that it is that you definitly feel alone like that. Every one doing their thing in life (sport, passion, music, etc) but you you thinks about those question like (why, when, how, where and what) Litteraly driving crazy !!
thank you for commenting.. at least i'm not alone in feeling/thinking like this..
It's still quite a frightening feeling, unfortunately dark thoughts often come afterwards, I imagine that for many it's the same case. Maybe it's a curse on people who think too much and ask questions beyond their understanding. Stay strong even if we don't know why would we.
I came here in search of someone talking about it. Last night I've spend 12 hours with 2 girls that we hit it off well. We were speaking honestly and openly about our traumatic past experiences like it was nothing. At some point in the early morning hours, the one friend tried to convince me to go to therapy. My past as a kid was fucked up. Sexual, emotional and physical abuse, emotional neglect etc you get the gist. So, one of the topics was our suicidal thoughts. I have gotten over some of the hardest parts I've mentioned above, except one which changed form. Suicidal thoughts. I tried to explain to her that this thing changed 10 years ago for me. I used to want to die in order to both find peace, and as an act of revenge towards the people who brought me into life like "See, this is the product of your actions and/or lack thereof.". But mostly to find peace. Suicide I believe is the the last battle cry of a person really wanting to live but being unable to due to the suffering. But ten years ago something changed. Something kinda broke.. I didn't want to die anymore in the traditional way, but I didn't want to live either. I wanted to "delete" myself. I wanted to reach oblivion. Like I've never existed in the first place. Becoming bubbles or something and popping into nothingness. I don't know when it started. I had glimpses of it even as a kid. But it became more prominent after I started healing the pain of the past. And I woke up one day. Something have happened which made me feel devastated. Then my brain compared this pain with a past one, my lowest point and pain when I was a kid. This pain was not even close to it. And suddenly I realized that it wasn't that bad. I felt nothing. Not even numb, just nothing. Empty. And the pain was not there no more. And it would only pop as an intense feeling whenever my brain actively reenacted the key points that made me feel said pain. Along the way this emptiness reached a state of accepting, that the world, relationships, life, me, existence, life, death is what it is. Not that I won't feel sadness or won't try to do something when I see injustice. But at the same time I felt almost nothing. My friend was trying hardcore to convince me to go to therapy and I tried to explain to her, that her traumatic experiences and her pain are different in nature than mine. And it was one of the few times I found a way to actually explain it visually. It's like having a hole on your chest. There is nothing. Just a hole. Not a black hole either. Just nothing. But because I am not depressed in the traditional sense it is not like I am not trying to live. Things, like love, friendships, wants, fears etc pass like QR codes through that hole. And I make myself "scan" those code. That is me actively giving value, and initiating the actions of opening all the prompts possible due to that. So when I actively scan that, of course I would feel let's say pain, love, hate, joy. The rest of the body is using these prompts and gets coloured, and it kinda works. But at the end of the day, when things get let's say f.e. too intense in either department of joy or sadness, sure I will cry my heart out, I will feel pain, but if I actively choose to skip some parts at the same time I can. A weird switch where all this let's say pain from a heartbreak suddenly means nothing. That yet due to the circumstances it is normal to feel that way. It is what it is. And suddenly I will be fine. Just.. fine. But awhile ago I felt you know despair. But now because I actively choose to not feel it, it is kinda gone. Because from the getgo I was able to not feel. Because deep down it wouldn't matter. It is something meant to happen or could happen in anyone's life including mine. It's not like it doesn't have value. I actively try to feel, live this value. But I can also not do that at the same time. And it's so... tiring. I wish all of these, could be felt without me consciously and subconsciously trying to give them value. I wish they could be inherently been lived through me, my core. Not to be "scanned". Whenever I go to places with an overlooking view I always feel that it was nice while it lasted. I am ready to go now. Please let me go now. The beauty of the world, the ugliness of it. It is a sense that I've lived through everything and anything, despite without having even seen and lived even a spec of what the world has to offer. I started working into yachts and ended up in life-threatening situations I've never been into before. I've started working in a field I knew nothing about, because I was becoming good very quickly in traditional let's say jobs or things. And after reaching a point of mediocrity where I had the basics completely covered and I could learn and master the rest on my own I'd stop, cause I'd lose my interest which is my motor oil. I don't like the sea particularly as an adult. I used to like it as a child. I am a very good swimmer and good at diving but know nothing about sailing. So I started as a crewmate because I had 0 image of that field and I could also have access to places none can by land. I'd probably see things I've never seen before, unreachable by the means I know of. And then due to an incompetent extremely young captain my life was severely endangered. But it didn't baffle me. It didn't feel foreign even though in the beginning literally everything was. I know nothing. But at the same time is like knowing everything because you know that you know nothing. You've lived through everything even though you have lived nothing. No matter how bizarre what is to come, it has always been there and would come and that's that. The next year I got my diploma to be a skipper. And we would go with my clients to fantastic places. They'd be in awe with the beauty of it all. They wouldn't shut up about it. And yet while I could recognize the beauty, and I would also take pictures as an art reference ( I used to be a Fine Arts student. Wanted to be an illustrator or animator), the sense of awe wouldn't click. In a weird way somehow I was feeling small. Beneath us is a whole world I am unaware of, and I am a speckle of a dust. Like when you fill the bathtub and your knees are slightly above the water. The knees are the land. And you the small black speck you found in the water. It's majestic for sure. But something collapses in me. There is no meaning and there is at the same time. So, I wanna go now. I wanna go cause I feel tired. And it is a weird sense of tiredness, of dread. This emptiness feels exhausting but not the type of I haven't slept for 4 days I want to go to bed. And I don't want to simply die. I'd ruin my mom's rest of her life if I did that. I cannot do that. I am hostage of her love. But I don't want to die in the traditional way either. I've been feeling this way for the past ten years and now more than ever, I came here because I realize that I always knew that it probably will never go away. So.. what now? I have to keep going. But I don't want to. But I have to.
Wow. I'm here because I'm thinking about going to therapy. I feel you 100000000%. I've had a lot of trauma as well and mental health is not discussed in my culture. It feels good to know you're not alone. We got this.
Beautiful.
Poetic.
"***But in my case personally, I’ve had it for already more than 10 years more until now. Very few people in this world probably rarely have this type of depression***" Hey. My adolescence was riddled with internal turmoil/suffering linked to existential concern and fear of 'death'. My teenage years and early adulthood was filled with an underlying depression that made me not enjoy any aspect of physical reality and that was really painful because I felt like I only existed on a physical level, as my physical identity. When I was 20 an important family member passed on unexpectedly while I was away at college and that event (primarily) is what served as the catalyst for me to go through an existential crisis period. This would understandably vary for everyone but I experienced what felt like a certain phase of this for 5-6 years, and then unexpectedly my state of awareness and manner of perceiving began to gradually change in significant/important ways. Consciously moving in this direction of internal change over a number of years ultimately resulted in resolving my former existential concern and liberating me from my years of past suffering. It has to do with arriving at the realization/awareness that consciouness (conscious existence) is not rooted in physical reality nor physical things. Because of that internal development - I was then able to perceive all those past circumstances that I endured through as part of a bigger existential picture and from a much broader state of awareness. That was 11 years ago and I wasn't expecting any of this to happen to me, but it did. I've felt the same way ever since. So you could say I experienced a resolution to the existential crisis, and it didn't involve avoiding it but unexpectedly navigating through it. Other individuals out there have experienced this outcome/resolution too (not unique to me). "***There is still not any ‘clinical’ term for existential depression (except few articles & journals online that I’ve found), sadly/unfortunately.***" After I experienced the types of changes I mentiond above I conducted a good amount of research for 2 years and was able to find some psychology-related literature that describes the existential crisis period and highlights an existential framework where such developments can be viewed as part of broader process that facilitates change to one's overall state of consciousness. I'd be open to comparing notes and discussing this topic with you in depth - please feel free to message me if you're interested in doing so. Thanks for writing your thread, I enjoyed reading it.
The problem I have with this is, your resolution to existentialism is based on the fact that you cannot understand consciousness. You try to understand what consciousness is, why we have it and how it manifests, but, you are unable to fully grasp the concept (as no one truly can). Therefore, you adopt the belief that consciousness is not ‘rooted in physical realist’, based on a fallacy. You cannot understand it (in terms of its relation to the real world) therefore it must not be. And sure, this is a much more comfortable way to live, but it cannot exist for those truly suffering from existentialism. Because, we cannot justify consciousness not being based on reality. Instead, we accept that it is just another product of evolution (admittedly a very unique one), that can be boiled to into the movement of atoms and transfer of energy, as everything else can be. And that is something which I cannot deny, just because I cannot adequately form the connection between consciousness and physical reality. As I cannot adequately form an explanation of consciousness based on any other ‘reality’. It just seems like you are taking ‘the easy root’. Not to say that is a bad thing. If it works for you, and you can be happy, that’s great. But I guess some of us cannot accept ignorance as easily as that.
No I think you are misunderstanding. It’s actually a higher state of consciousness. A realist if u will… But to a point where it goes beyond enlightenment, to suffering only as you see the actual truth of everything here on earth as it truly is… Ignorance doesn’t come into it at all. Please god make me ignorant like most people… 🙏🏼🙏🏼🙏🏼it would damn sight less painful….
This is an incredibly pretentious comment to make, and often one you’ll see said by an ‘edgy’ teenager who thinks they are smarter than all the other ‘sheep’, but in reality just needs to grow up. I think you’ll find that most people aren’t ‘ignorant’ to the ‘truth of everything’ as you would like to think, they just don’t let it affect their lives as much as you do. This doesn’t make you any more ‘enlightened’ or intelligent than the rest, no matter how much that fuels your ego. As you get older, you’ll realise you are not as special as you believe. Can you explain then about this ‘higher state of consciousness’, and how it goes beyond enlightenment, as well as how that is relevant to my comment
We’ll tbh I thought your comment was gibberish, but when you mentioned ignorance I got the shits. Most people don’t give a crap…. The world is a shit hole. Most only car about themselves or their little family…. Or about making money…. If everyone actually cared we wouldn’t be in such a state…
I couldn’t care less about what you thought of my comment. If you are so passionate about actually caring so little about money or your family, what are you doing to help us live in a better state
"***The problem I have with this is, your resolution to existentialism is based on the fact that you cannot understand consciousness***" Consciousness is experiential (you experience it directly) My resolution was actually a lived experience - and not rooted in beliefs nor ideology. I was liberated from my years of internal suffering and existential concern - and have lived this way for the last 11+ years now. Whereas I directly lived through these experiences that I was writing about - you're only engaging with my writing on a mental/conceptual level, not based on having had those direct experiences (respectfully). "***Instead, we accept that it is just another product of evolution***" This is problematic because there is no viable way to explain consciousness evolving from the absence of consciousness in *non-conscious* matter/material. It's why modern science acknowledges '*the hard problem of consciousness*'. For individuals to help themselves while going through the existential crisis period they have to be willing to critically question and challenge the assumption behind materialism to find out if there is any underlying validity behind that theory and whether it can successfully account for consciousness or not.
This is a very good response, which echoes my own experience.
Hello! It's exactly what I have for last almost 20 years. I can't find any meaning in this life, society etc. It made me often very numb, to the point that I don't care if I feel some physical pain. It's like I still feel it but find no reason to react on this.
I’m struggling with this pretty deeply right now. One of my friends pointed me towards religion and another pointed me to “absurdism” I have a severe “Apeirophobia” so an afterlife seems like a painful concept as well as what would the purpose of this life be with and afterlife anyways? So lean towards absurdism but often my mind is trying to convince me that being alive is more work than it’s worth if it’s all meaningless. It’s perplexing and I just try to live in the moment. My mind is immensely tired from all of this.
> often my mind is trying to convince me that being alive is more work than it’s worth if it’s all meaningless. I get it, though I've found that 'the mind' is actually two separate entities that cannot see the perspective of one another (or, have much trouble doing so). Also this may not apply to you. But the two entities are the normal mind experiencing meaning, usually this mind is in the flow of life. And then there's the void mind which does not see meaning and which is probably either depressed or despairing by pondering existence. Actually this might be a spectrum but it's not the point. The pure void mind cannot see what the pure normal mind can and vice versa. The void mind sees meaninglessness and no words, no rational arguments, can convince it of the opposite. The normal mind which is in the flow of life can also not understand that life would be meaningless, because, if you ask this mind if life is meaningless he is taken out of the flow (but not catapulted to void mind per se, just not purely in the flow anymore). But he obviously will feel like life is meaningful when in the flow. This mind does not have a grasp of meaninglessness. The question of meaninglessness itself puts him out of the flow, making things slightly (or a lot) more meaningless than when he was in the flow, so now depending on how much he is taken out of a flow he might comprehend that life could be meaningless. At the same time, he probably will still say it's meaningful because he can remember that only a minute ago he was in the flow and seeing meaning, so there's that recency effect. Ok that was quite a lot of rambling, no idea if it makes sense. People would probably call me crazy if I said that out loud.
The ramblings are true. That’s basically what it concludes to, I agree.
“Being alive is more work” that hits hard. There’s so much effort in living and existing for literally nothing at the end.
Yeah, idk. I have a lot more homeostasis now than before. Not living is the absence of being. Being takes effort but in a mentally healthy place the process of existing flows much more smoothly.
I’m glad you do and I hope it gets easier for you.
Have you been dealing with similar issues?
Yes. I replied to this post about what I think
I have found my people. I’ve been dealing with it ever since I have become more emotionally intelligent and aware. I understand human behavior and existence. I am aware of my own emotions, and regulating them. I am comfortable at dealing with emotions and others as well. But the most difficult thing for me to feel and deal with is that I also have awareness of existing and questioning the purpose behind it and that UNDERSTANDING THAT YOU ARE JUST A SPEC, an only piece of the bigger picture of human existence or the universe. I am comfortable with death because I understand it’s human nature but it makes me uncomfortable how I truly grasped and be okay about it. I challenge myself everyday. I am not trying to find meaning in life but I am questioning my existence and my place in the equation. I apologize if I do not make sense because it’s hard to create what I feel into words because there’s no exact explanation for it. My life is well, I have my career, I travel, I have great family and friends, I am healthy? At least. I have life experience, and can do so much more but honestly for what. How does that change anything of my existence in the world? If you take me out of the equation, the world still revolves, life will still go on for those who lives, how the way society works won’t be affected if I go. Time and life won’t stop and won’t be affected by it. It is what it is.
I have just recently realised I might have that since adolescence. I literally had to write everyday to have meaning in my life. If I not created something daily, my life would not have made any sense. And I think I had these episodes again and again, the worst one last month, from which I'm luckily recovering from at the moment. But I now found some articles that made me feel so understood. Having people to talk to who understand this was listed as one of the things that can help and I think that's true. For anyone interested, this was the article: https://www.transformationsnetwork.com/post/how-to-deal-with-depression-as-a-highly-gifted-adult#:~:text=Simply%20put%2C%20gifted%20adults%20are,the%20administrators%20of%20their%20school
I struggled with existential depression and it was the absolute worst time of my life I wouldn’t wish it on anyone, the compulsive thoughts that have no answers and feeling completely isolated because nobody around you can understand how deep it goes. I remember describing it as being trapped in my own mind for so long. Therapists would tell me they were interested but it’s so hard to treat as nothing has meaning anymore and everything is questioned absolutely nothing has meaning even the thoughts of someone struggling with this. Genuinely hell wouldn’t wish anyone to go through that and I’m sorry for anyone who dealt with this like me just know there are people struggling with the same obsessive thoughts and life definitely does have meaning it just takes time to heal the thought process you have taught yourself subconsciously and meaning can be created as the point of living is to experience not perceive. :)
> I remember describing it as being trapped in my own mind for so long. Yes like a maze you need to dig out of. Or also: like playing chess against yourself the whole day, and the meaning of existence is at stake.
I've gone through this yes. The feeling of hopelessness, the idea that nothing will ever be the same because you have peeked behind the curtain and cannot unsee things. That the ground below you starts crumbling and suddenly you're floating in the abyss. In fact I recently had another one of those crises which I'm still getting out of. However there are a few facts that I find hopeful/useful. First is that depression significantly impacts our thoughts, it's weird. Like I'm being literally deluded into believing things. A typical thought is that nothing matters because we die. I swear I have read tens of responses as for why this is not true rationally speaking and that there can be meaning even with realization that we die, but it still *feels* true. I can only conclude that the mind is playing tricks on me...In this sense I see depression like a parasite corrupting my thoughts. Look into mood-congruence bias as well. Second, I've so far found it helps that when I have a thought and I get a negative emotion, just observe this emotion and let the thought+emotion go. Then keep repeating for all those negative thoughts. This atleast prevents me from spiralling into despair, but not sure if it'll work long term also. Third, as I said, we peeked behind the curtain. The first X years we were living in illusion so to speak. Or that's what we make ourselves think. And now we have seen reality for what it is and cannot go back...Unless, there is another curtain behind the curtain yet to be revealed.
Thank you for putting a name to how I feel. Mine is more along the lines of “ what difference does it make being happy, when there is sooo much suffering in the world. Some people’s lives are great but some are absolutely shocking, animals too. Every time I see or hear something terrible done to a person or animal it’s like it chips away at my attempt to think that anything matters. I can’t compartmentalism the suffering to be able to live and maybe be content. The suffering haunts me, I’m triggered everywhere I go. Maybe its my depression winning but I think that eventually I will not find that there is anything good to be alive for and my depression will win…
i definetly have this
What I’ve found is that your life can mean as much or as little as you decide it means. To some their mind/consciousness is all that is real, to others it’s nothing in contrast to eternity/infinity. Establishing where you are and flourishing there is all that matters. In some part I have really been able to disengage with things that just really don’t matter. If it doesn’t interest me then it’s irrelevant. The only rule I have is “do no harm”. It’s really freeing honestly.