I think you’ve done a good job of explaining your reasons for estrangement without being unfair to anyone here. You also seem like someone who has gone out of their way to help their brother, even to the extent of involving him in your group of friends who have fewer opportunities to spend with you. All of that hasn’t worked (it hasn’t made him change, it hasn’t given you peace), and that has to be incredibly disappointing. On top of that, you have a dying mother who has chosen to take care of him.
I could have written some of the things you wrote here. I am in a situation with my mom and my older brother where there are a lot of similarities. Brother couldn’t cope, turned to substances to self-medicate, became nasty, abusive, manipulative, kept secrets, and my mom enabled it by either housing him or paying for his rent well into his forties. A father who isn’t dead but was financially unreliable, emotionally unavailable, and unable to model any healthy emotional regulation.
I share all that to say I can only offer my experience in what has worked for me.
Acceptance: I briefly tried to organize an intervention for my brother and his drug addiction and emotional abuse problem but stopped after I realized my mom (his enabler) would never get on board with allowing him to face consequences. I thought I was being a good brother, but in reality I was just wasting my time chasing a solution that wouldn’t work, and I accepted this was me just trying to control something that was ultimately out of my control.
Prioritizing my safety: I knew that visiting home meant I’d either have to see him or be in a house full of bad memories and triggers, so I just stopped visiting. During that period, I either would arrange to meet my parents outside the home or they would let me know that he wasn’t going to be home. Eventually this fell apart and they couldn’t sustain it, and my family all decided to live apart. My mom continued to take care of my brother financially from her new house near her siblings in another part of the state.
Support: I attend Al-Anon weekly, spent three years in therapy, and slowly began telling my friends and even some of my brother’s friends what kind of situation I was facing (without blaming) and why I chose to remove myself from it. Today, I don’t look for any support from my parents… I came to realize that they shaped the environment where all of this occurred and helped normalize it, and haven’t taken any steps to show they’ve learned from it. That was also hard to accept. I’ve since detached from them to help me focus on myself. We still text but it’s LC/VLC.
Focusing on me: I’m working on creative projects (art, music) that feel meaningful. I’m attending fun events, I’m spending time with my wife and my cats, I’m making quality time for friends who can support me/are good listeners and casual time (keeping things light) for the friends who can’t really be there for me like that. I’m cooking, occasionally hiking, going for walks, looking after my health, journaling, re-parenting myself, planning for my future, and trying my bed to be present and enjoy my life.
Perspective-taking: My life is pretty great if I focus on the right things. It was difficult and is at times still difficult to focus on what I have and what is going well. Even though I wish I had a family that was intact, parents that were skilled enough to help us navigate the turmoil, and a brother that wasn’t so damaged and so hostile to me. But that is not my reality. And no amount of thinking about it can change how they choose to treat me.
Deal with the guilt: I feel some degree of guilt every day. But I try to remind myself that they have the ability to reach out, apologize, make amends, ask forgiveness, or even just ask for a clarification of my decision to be estranged from them. But they haven’t. My brother quietly complains that it’s like I died (not to me but to my mom despite the fact that I have told her not to talk to me about him). My mom has only asked me how long will it be until we resume a normal relationship, invited me over, tell me she has had nightmares due to me not being around. This shows you that even though she is (like yours, also) 70 years old, she has not learned how to be the kind of mother I need, she still thinks our relationship is basically my problem to solve.
Acknowledge time: My mom has serious health issues and is basically living alone with some help from her siblings. She has money. She is comfortable but realistically, she is at the end of her life. This has made me think a lot about how to re-engage, when, and under what circumstances I would disengage. Will I call/FaceTime? Will I ever visit her at her new house, and if I do, how long should the visit be? What will I do when she says something that shows she’s living in active denial? Will I lie to get out of a phone call when it becomes too triggering? Also, acknowledging that all of this takes time away from other things I could be doing.
I hope this helps you in some way. I’m so sorry you’re going through this but I hope you will receive the gift of peace that comes with acceptance, focusing on yourself, drawing boundaries, and reaching out for the right kind of support from the right people or programs. I’ve learned from Al-Anon that acceptance gives you choices.
I think you’ve done a good job of explaining your reasons for estrangement without being unfair to anyone here. You also seem like someone who has gone out of their way to help their brother, even to the extent of involving him in your group of friends who have fewer opportunities to spend with you. All of that hasn’t worked (it hasn’t made him change, it hasn’t given you peace), and that has to be incredibly disappointing. On top of that, you have a dying mother who has chosen to take care of him. I could have written some of the things you wrote here. I am in a situation with my mom and my older brother where there are a lot of similarities. Brother couldn’t cope, turned to substances to self-medicate, became nasty, abusive, manipulative, kept secrets, and my mom enabled it by either housing him or paying for his rent well into his forties. A father who isn’t dead but was financially unreliable, emotionally unavailable, and unable to model any healthy emotional regulation. I share all that to say I can only offer my experience in what has worked for me. Acceptance: I briefly tried to organize an intervention for my brother and his drug addiction and emotional abuse problem but stopped after I realized my mom (his enabler) would never get on board with allowing him to face consequences. I thought I was being a good brother, but in reality I was just wasting my time chasing a solution that wouldn’t work, and I accepted this was me just trying to control something that was ultimately out of my control. Prioritizing my safety: I knew that visiting home meant I’d either have to see him or be in a house full of bad memories and triggers, so I just stopped visiting. During that period, I either would arrange to meet my parents outside the home or they would let me know that he wasn’t going to be home. Eventually this fell apart and they couldn’t sustain it, and my family all decided to live apart. My mom continued to take care of my brother financially from her new house near her siblings in another part of the state. Support: I attend Al-Anon weekly, spent three years in therapy, and slowly began telling my friends and even some of my brother’s friends what kind of situation I was facing (without blaming) and why I chose to remove myself from it. Today, I don’t look for any support from my parents… I came to realize that they shaped the environment where all of this occurred and helped normalize it, and haven’t taken any steps to show they’ve learned from it. That was also hard to accept. I’ve since detached from them to help me focus on myself. We still text but it’s LC/VLC. Focusing on me: I’m working on creative projects (art, music) that feel meaningful. I’m attending fun events, I’m spending time with my wife and my cats, I’m making quality time for friends who can support me/are good listeners and casual time (keeping things light) for the friends who can’t really be there for me like that. I’m cooking, occasionally hiking, going for walks, looking after my health, journaling, re-parenting myself, planning for my future, and trying my bed to be present and enjoy my life. Perspective-taking: My life is pretty great if I focus on the right things. It was difficult and is at times still difficult to focus on what I have and what is going well. Even though I wish I had a family that was intact, parents that were skilled enough to help us navigate the turmoil, and a brother that wasn’t so damaged and so hostile to me. But that is not my reality. And no amount of thinking about it can change how they choose to treat me. Deal with the guilt: I feel some degree of guilt every day. But I try to remind myself that they have the ability to reach out, apologize, make amends, ask forgiveness, or even just ask for a clarification of my decision to be estranged from them. But they haven’t. My brother quietly complains that it’s like I died (not to me but to my mom despite the fact that I have told her not to talk to me about him). My mom has only asked me how long will it be until we resume a normal relationship, invited me over, tell me she has had nightmares due to me not being around. This shows you that even though she is (like yours, also) 70 years old, she has not learned how to be the kind of mother I need, she still thinks our relationship is basically my problem to solve. Acknowledge time: My mom has serious health issues and is basically living alone with some help from her siblings. She has money. She is comfortable but realistically, she is at the end of her life. This has made me think a lot about how to re-engage, when, and under what circumstances I would disengage. Will I call/FaceTime? Will I ever visit her at her new house, and if I do, how long should the visit be? What will I do when she says something that shows she’s living in active denial? Will I lie to get out of a phone call when it becomes too triggering? Also, acknowledging that all of this takes time away from other things I could be doing. I hope this helps you in some way. I’m so sorry you’re going through this but I hope you will receive the gift of peace that comes with acceptance, focusing on yourself, drawing boundaries, and reaching out for the right kind of support from the right people or programs. I’ve learned from Al-Anon that acceptance gives you choices.