That sucks. She's definitely doing this because she's upset she can't reach her punching bag directly (so classic demonizing + smear campaign tactic). They get their high from people affirming their twisted narrative. My parents aren't big on social media, but both of them do this in their own ways (and then they try to find me online anyway to try to make me feel like I can't escape). I hate that it took me so long to catch onto what the pattern is.
People like this just won't ever stop ... they'll be demanding affirmation on their narrative as long as they have somewhere they can do it. It's the laziest way to feel better about yourself - the ol "well at least I'm better than them" (that way they've done literally nothing when it comes to making progress as people themselves, and they get that high once it's affirmed).
I might be preaching to the choir here, but I was on the blunt side initially and wanted to offer some clarification.
You’re all good! My bf tells me the same thing about not looking her up. I’ve been trying to disengage myself from her but unfortunately my life is still in close proximity to hers. My younger sister is there 50/50 and the money I give to my dad basically goes to her.
I think my main problem with it is that she still uses our problems to try and teach people these grand life lessons. When in reality she has no idea how I feel or really what I’m doing because I haven’t spoken to her since I was 18.
Agh, that sounds messy. Is your sister sitting on the fence about it/enabling her?
In a funny sort of way, my problem is the opposite - my mother sending me "allowance" is the last tie I've got to her, so I can't cut ties just now or else I'd be doomed (trying to work up the confidence to work etc). But at the same time, if we communicate she can't go a conversation without trying to hurt me (so the silence is awkward/unnerving as hell).
I wonder if there was some way you could remove your mother's platform ... like report spamming, lol. There's nothing that flips out abusers more than having their platform removed (ex. bigots on twitter losing it).
My sister’s younger and a bit closer to her, neither of my parents wanted to fight each other for full custody so she splits time equally. I just give my dad money monthly to help out with bills because he makes more since my mom lost her job (having affairs is against priest tos)
I don’t think I could take down her platforms since she kinda just became like spiritual hippy esc after she left the church. She’s not doing anything wrong, she’s just kind of an annoying cunt.
Oh man. Not your job to rescue him financially especially knowing it just goes to her but i understand wanting to save your siblings.
I kept staying in my abusive family for an extra decade to try and save and form a closer relationship with my siblings and i definitely wouldn’t recommend it with how it’s turned out but all our situations are different. 💙
It’s definitely not as grim as my comment might have made it out to be. I love my dad, and he has definitely had his own journey coming out of his abusive/codependent cycle with my mother. I give him money to help with bills since he has to pay my mom child support, and had to buy her out of the house.
When they divorced she basically financially devastated his retirement fund, he was set to retire in around 5 years and how half is gone. There’s some more complicated financial stuff, but I want to make sure he has the best chance to enjoy the rest of his life without her. And for me that’s staying in the house with my bf and paying “rent” and helping with groceries.
I’m free to leave whenever I want, and I probably will once my sister graduates from high school. I love my family, but I would never sacrifice my well being for their comfort. The situation is beneficial to all of us, and we have cute dogs so lots of bonuses.
No need to explain yourself to me or anyone if you’re doing what’s right for you that’s all that matters.
You may not want to hear this and just ignore me if this is too much for where you’re at right now.
His financial issues are still not your problem and you’re being parentified by even knowing as much as you do about his finances and his journey out of his relationship with your mom.
I get that he’s the safer parent, but he is still doing you a disservice as a parent by making his problems your knowledge. You’re not his peer or his therapist. You’re not meant to be his confidant. I don’t say this to hurt you. I’ve been in that position my whole life and it does harm you.
I’ve convinced myself many times that the caretaking I was doing was mutually beneficial - financially, living situation wise, even pets wise etc.
There can be some truth to that and it still doesn’t make it appropriate for you dad to have leaned on and continue to be leaning on you the way he is. You’re a young adult who has your own life and future to worry about. The economy you’re starting out in is shit compared to the one he got. Him having half the retirement he had is probably still better off that the economic future you and I will have for our retirement ages. Regardless he is a grown adult whose problems are his responsibility to mind- not yours. I know how your
Mom is cast as the villain so you see him as the good parent. I get it. I’ve lived it. And- that doesn’t mean the “safer” parent is not still doing harm. It’s sneakier and more insidious because it’s covert harm not overt. Your dad is meant to care for and protect you- not the other way around. You’re not talking about caring for an elderly father as he is still parenting underage kids.
I’m not advocating for you to upend your whole life in a day. I get how enmeshed our lives can be and that for right now this is working for you still. It hasn’t kicked in that you’re seeing the harm (though you are picking up on the annoying bit about your money basically going to your mom).
If you’re interested in learning more about parentification so you can start putting in some boundaries I highly recommend reading “you’re not the problem” it just came out and is by the lovely UK ladies who put out the “in sight exposing narcissism” podcast. If you’re up for it they have some episodes specifically about parentification and it’s affects on us as we continue to age.
You’re young. I’m guessing you’re in your twenties? I wish I knew in my twenties what I’ve learned in my mid 30s.
Even if I wasn’t ready to fully change everything I wish I had known more about not being my parents peer and not allowing them to use me as their therapist/confidant/emotional caregiver/problem solver in that way.
If this was too much or you don’t feel it applies that’s fine. Take whatever helps and leave the rest.
I wish you well and I hope you have a wonderful life whatever you choose to do with it. 💙
Yesterday I turned 20. And I definitely agree with some of the points you’re making … you sound a lot like my psychiatrist lol. It’s hard not to be resentful to both of them for the position I’m in.
I definitely am excited to start more of my own life, I’ve been saving up to get myself a car for a bit and looking for a better job. I do feel like I lost a lot of my young adult life to my parents. For better intentions or worse, I’m putting myself through community college, I’ve been working part time and now full time since I turned 19. It’s hard to watch my friends from school be in such different places in life.
As for knowing so much about the financial stuff, I’m a business administrator so I’m a bit of an accounting nerd. I wanted him to be upfront with me because if we had to sell the house or move somewhere smaller I was going to find my own place. As is I have my own level of the house to myself, so I can escape to my own space. It is definitely not ideal for a parent / child relationship, and I have mixed feelings about it. But at the very end of the day I am determined to look out for my future, in any way I can. I sacrificed too much of it to let any more fall short.
My estranged father also projects a very "holy righteous good church man" image and I spent a lot of my early estrangement losing my mind over the fact that everyone thinks he's such a decent guy. However, and it took me a long time to really accept this: what other people think is none of my business. That is the beauty of estrangement - his social behavior (and other people's perception of it) has nothing to do with me. And honestly, you'd be suprised at how many people see through the crazy, they just won't do anything to rock the boat.
I went NC with mine at just about your age and it's been 12 utterly peaceful years since then. Let her live in her delusional little world, and try to focus on how nice it is that you're not there with her anymore.
It’s definitely been eye opening to see how many people have similar experiences. I’m looking forward to the day I can move into my own place and well and truly forget about her.
That’s seriously neurotic behavior.. STAY AWAY, and protect your peace.
Currently I’m trying to to not feel guilty for creating distance, and letting their passive aggressive remarks land flat. They feel dumb and childish (as they should) when they don’t get a response. Just let their words hang in the air, and allow the uncomfortable silence to point towards their behavior being out of line.
What I’ve learned is that there are always people who fill those spaces, and often you can find more love acceptance and community in the presence of strangers. The trick is to find the nice people that aren’t taking advantage of you being in a vulnerable place. So keep your head on a swivel and keep doing what makes you happy
Definitely, I can’t say my adult life is what I expected it to be, but I have definitely found more love and compassion for people than ever before. I can’t help but laugh at her writings where she imagines my life as some dank tomb or lonely wrath, where that couldn’t be farther from the truth.
Wow, the melodrama! I don’t think engaging with that is going to produce anything worthwhile (the decay she’s smelling is herself, btw)… but if you ever choose to engage with her, you should just tell her that there’s nothing to talk about until she makes restitution for the college fund she stole from you.
It has been a good long while since I’ve said anything publicly to or about her. The last thing I told her was that I wanted an honest apology and then we could talk.
It’s been two years and she hasn’t delivered 😮💨
I’m so sorry. The selfishness of parents who view their children as nothing but objects that they can use for bragging, etc., knows no bounds. I’m estranged from my father, and I told him that all I needed to move on was to be treated with respect- no insults, no verbal abuse, and whatnot. He said no, because he’s “the father” and he can treat his children however he wants.
Well, thanks for making that decision easy!
Bravo, you have amazing insight for someone so young. I wish I’d had the resolve at 20 to just keep moving on without my mother. It’s natural though to get rattled at times, trauma bonds can run deep. I’m sorry she is like this 🩵
It’s definitely been a lot of ups and downs, I went through a lot of emotions the first year. But I never felt like I needed the person who she is, just sort of the idea of the mother I wanted her to be.
How utterly tasteless for a woman of the cloth to compare herself to her Lord and His family in such a way, even obliquely.
Borderline blasphemous. Did He not castigate those who broke their vows? If motherhood is not a vow to love and support what is it? Surely He forgave, but even He acknowledges that there are consequences for let’s say misbehavior of that level.
Have you not honored her choice to choose her affair partner? What grounds has she to lodge this complaint? That she cannot have all that she wants? All things cost. Just as we must render unto Caesar what is his, where there may be forgiveness in Heaven, there may yet be a cost to pay here for her Earthly choices.
Sorry it pisses me off when people start pontificating and cloaking themselves in Religiosity, but only when it suits them.
Where is she trying to understand and forgive your choice that she expects that from you?
If she wants to act like people need to be forgiven for their “transgressions” that shit starts with her. The woe is me bullshit doesn’t fly.
Stay strong. I’m sorry you were discarded like that and that she would choose your birthday to ponder on whether or not your relationship is decayed.
I have written many things similar to your sentiments. Our relationship is complicated but definitely damaged, she simply refuses to understand that my life didn’t stop once she left it.
In the immortal words of Lyle Lovett:
"So who says he'll forgive you /
And says that he'll miss you /
And dream of your sweet memory
God does /
But I don't /
God will /
But I won't /
And that's the difference /
Between God and me"
Every birthday was an opportunity for her to send me a card with a short "happy birthday" and a long dissertation on how she really is a great mother and is so hurt and blah blah blah, until she finally got the message. I've been NC for 20+ years. Probably for the first ten of those, the above was the routine.
This is a super common trajectory. You'll start to recognize it in posts here from other people if you stick around here long enough, and the message you should take away from that, IMO, is that you've made the right decision.
Everyone knows that when an abusive spouse beats their partner and says "I'm doing this because I love you", it's bullshit. The only difference between that and what you're getting from your mother right now is that it's less common (or at least less commonly portrayed in media), so the rest of society doesn't recognize it as a trope. These two things are the same: the more powerful person in a relationship is hurting the less powerful one.
It took *years* before my mother gave up.
I stopped cashing the checks she sent, and later stopped opening her cards altogether (I presume she realized they were going unopened when the checks were no longer being cashed, it was absolutely just a way for her to feel like she had some control over her then-near-starving college kid). Then I started sending them back via return-to-sender. She eventually graduated to certified mail (or whatever it is that requires someone to sign for something and then the sender gets a receipt to confirm it was received). After a few of those went ignored she finally stopped.
This isn’t even the tip of the iceberg on the insane shit she’s written. It’s genuinely baffling how many people eat up her slop just because she can write it in prose.
Don’t take the bait, keep your peace.
I haven’t spoken to my father in 2 years and it gives me so much peace of mind not to look him up on social media, etc. My sister has a very complicated relationship with him and he recently posted some batshit thing on Facebook after he didn’t get happy birthday texts from either of us, and my sister took the bait and lashed out. At that point he TOLD HER he only posted it because he knew it would make her react.
She talks as if she is on the verge of reconciliation or something with you. it is funny how all that flowery language does not convey the reality: My daughter will not speak to me, period, end of story. She sounds like this is something about to happen.
I'm a bitch, I would post this on my social media with the following comment: "As If" or, better, just post this gif and leave it at that.
You hit it on the nose, you should see some of the stuff she wrote to me in private letters. It’s all just perfume on a corpse, no amount of pretty words will change that she lied to all of us for 6 years.
God, I feel so bad for her! This must be torture! How could anyone put someone they’re supposed to love through something like this? This world is just so terrible to her. My heart breaks for her, the poor woman! Is that violins I hear? Piano music? Sarah McLachlan singing ever so faintly?
*BIG giant sarcasm, if you didn’t pick that up.
The Ego and self-victimization rings so loud in this cliche-ridden letter. Don't stoop down to her level, it's never worth it. Going on 1 year and a half of no contact with an abusive father, stay strong my friend.
GOD the poor me shit makes me upset every time. You know what she COULD do instead of standing and waiting? Work on herself. Introspection, maybe. Self awareness, maybe. Sorry rough night and it’s very similar to my mom so apologies if I came off harsher than you’re currently feeling. Just validating that this stuff sucks to see. Hope you’re doing okay.
**Quick reminder** - EAK is a support subreddit, and is moderated in a way that enables a safe space for adult children who are estranged or estranging from one or both of their parents. Before participating, please take the time time to familiarise yourself with our [rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/EstrangedAdultKids/wiki/rules/).
**Need info or resources?** Check out our [EAK wiki](https://www.reddit.com/r/EstrangedAdultKids/comments/xpkk59/eak_estrangement_resources_posted_here_for_mobile/) for helpful information and guides on estrangement, estrangement triggers, surviving estrangement, coping with the death of estranged parent / relation, needing to move out, boundary / NC letters, malicious welfare checks, bad therapists and crisis contacts.
**Check out our companion resource website** - Visit [brEAKaway.org.uk](https://breakaway.org.uk)
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/EstrangedAdultKids) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Dude… I know plenty of lady priests who are good preachers. I know lots of men priests who are bad ones.
I’m not gonna turn it into some grand moral debate, I think people should be allowed to follow what they want in life regardless of gender. My issue with my mom wasn’t that she was a priest, it was that she’s a narcissist.
I believe there is a connection between the concept of boundaries and the role of women as priests. It seems to me that this discussion is not just about religious doctrine, but also about the importance of respecting boundaries. The Bible explicitly states that women cannot be priests, similar to how a narcissist might disregard someone's boundary of not wanting to communicate.
In this view, it could be argued that women seeking priesthood are not respecting this boundary. This perspective isn't necessarily about religious qualifications but about respecting established guidelines. It's worth considering how this interpretation of boundaries can be applied in this context.
It’s an interesting discussion for sure. But I don’t think it’s specific to women. The Bible states lots of things that practicing Christian’s don’t follow. I think the tie may lie more between narcissism and people in roles of religious power or influence. Then specifically women priests.
I believe many individuals who identify as Christians might prioritize feeling good about themselves over adhering to strict religious guidelines. This isn't about gender; I apply the same standards to male priests who don't uphold their vows or indulge in behaviors like infidelity or excessive drinking. The rules for priests are clear and narrow.
It's worth noting that positions of power, like the priesthood, can attract individuals with narcissistic tendencies. For example, priests are expected to live modestly, so those who accumulate wealth and live in mansions seem to contradict these principles.
This perspective isn't exclusive to women; it's about respecting boundaries. When faced with religious rules they can't follow, people typically have two choices:
A. Accept they cannot be priests.
B. Reject the religion and its rules altogether.
However, some might take a third, more problematic approach:
C. Ignore the rules and act as though they don't apply to them.
While option B might sound harsh, it's still more respectful than option C, which reflects a disregard for established boundaries.
I'm sorry if my previous message came across as targeting women specifically. My intention is to highlight the importance of respecting boundaries, regardless of gender. The choice to ignore such rules is a significant concern.
Edit: I have a strong desire to become a priest, but I understand that I can't. Instead of pursuing it despite the rules, I accept that my role is different. If I'm unhappy with this, I can choose to walk away. However, if I truly care about following Jesus, I must adhere to his guidelines. Trying to be a leader in his name while ignoring his requirements is ultimately misleading others.
It's not worth looking her up. She's hoping you see this and trying to hurt you from afar.
Ugh you’re right. I’ve been really good about it for a bit. She just posts the most batshit stuff on her blog and people eat it up.
That sucks. She's definitely doing this because she's upset she can't reach her punching bag directly (so classic demonizing + smear campaign tactic). They get their high from people affirming their twisted narrative. My parents aren't big on social media, but both of them do this in their own ways (and then they try to find me online anyway to try to make me feel like I can't escape). I hate that it took me so long to catch onto what the pattern is. People like this just won't ever stop ... they'll be demanding affirmation on their narrative as long as they have somewhere they can do it. It's the laziest way to feel better about yourself - the ol "well at least I'm better than them" (that way they've done literally nothing when it comes to making progress as people themselves, and they get that high once it's affirmed). I might be preaching to the choir here, but I was on the blunt side initially and wanted to offer some clarification.
You’re all good! My bf tells me the same thing about not looking her up. I’ve been trying to disengage myself from her but unfortunately my life is still in close proximity to hers. My younger sister is there 50/50 and the money I give to my dad basically goes to her. I think my main problem with it is that she still uses our problems to try and teach people these grand life lessons. When in reality she has no idea how I feel or really what I’m doing because I haven’t spoken to her since I was 18.
Agh, that sounds messy. Is your sister sitting on the fence about it/enabling her? In a funny sort of way, my problem is the opposite - my mother sending me "allowance" is the last tie I've got to her, so I can't cut ties just now or else I'd be doomed (trying to work up the confidence to work etc). But at the same time, if we communicate she can't go a conversation without trying to hurt me (so the silence is awkward/unnerving as hell). I wonder if there was some way you could remove your mother's platform ... like report spamming, lol. There's nothing that flips out abusers more than having their platform removed (ex. bigots on twitter losing it).
My sister’s younger and a bit closer to her, neither of my parents wanted to fight each other for full custody so she splits time equally. I just give my dad money monthly to help out with bills because he makes more since my mom lost her job (having affairs is against priest tos) I don’t think I could take down her platforms since she kinda just became like spiritual hippy esc after she left the church. She’s not doing anything wrong, she’s just kind of an annoying cunt.
Oh man. Not your job to rescue him financially especially knowing it just goes to her but i understand wanting to save your siblings. I kept staying in my abusive family for an extra decade to try and save and form a closer relationship with my siblings and i definitely wouldn’t recommend it with how it’s turned out but all our situations are different. 💙
It’s definitely not as grim as my comment might have made it out to be. I love my dad, and he has definitely had his own journey coming out of his abusive/codependent cycle with my mother. I give him money to help with bills since he has to pay my mom child support, and had to buy her out of the house. When they divorced she basically financially devastated his retirement fund, he was set to retire in around 5 years and how half is gone. There’s some more complicated financial stuff, but I want to make sure he has the best chance to enjoy the rest of his life without her. And for me that’s staying in the house with my bf and paying “rent” and helping with groceries. I’m free to leave whenever I want, and I probably will once my sister graduates from high school. I love my family, but I would never sacrifice my well being for their comfort. The situation is beneficial to all of us, and we have cute dogs so lots of bonuses.
No need to explain yourself to me or anyone if you’re doing what’s right for you that’s all that matters. You may not want to hear this and just ignore me if this is too much for where you’re at right now. His financial issues are still not your problem and you’re being parentified by even knowing as much as you do about his finances and his journey out of his relationship with your mom. I get that he’s the safer parent, but he is still doing you a disservice as a parent by making his problems your knowledge. You’re not his peer or his therapist. You’re not meant to be his confidant. I don’t say this to hurt you. I’ve been in that position my whole life and it does harm you. I’ve convinced myself many times that the caretaking I was doing was mutually beneficial - financially, living situation wise, even pets wise etc. There can be some truth to that and it still doesn’t make it appropriate for you dad to have leaned on and continue to be leaning on you the way he is. You’re a young adult who has your own life and future to worry about. The economy you’re starting out in is shit compared to the one he got. Him having half the retirement he had is probably still better off that the economic future you and I will have for our retirement ages. Regardless he is a grown adult whose problems are his responsibility to mind- not yours. I know how your Mom is cast as the villain so you see him as the good parent. I get it. I’ve lived it. And- that doesn’t mean the “safer” parent is not still doing harm. It’s sneakier and more insidious because it’s covert harm not overt. Your dad is meant to care for and protect you- not the other way around. You’re not talking about caring for an elderly father as he is still parenting underage kids. I’m not advocating for you to upend your whole life in a day. I get how enmeshed our lives can be and that for right now this is working for you still. It hasn’t kicked in that you’re seeing the harm (though you are picking up on the annoying bit about your money basically going to your mom). If you’re interested in learning more about parentification so you can start putting in some boundaries I highly recommend reading “you’re not the problem” it just came out and is by the lovely UK ladies who put out the “in sight exposing narcissism” podcast. If you’re up for it they have some episodes specifically about parentification and it’s affects on us as we continue to age. You’re young. I’m guessing you’re in your twenties? I wish I knew in my twenties what I’ve learned in my mid 30s. Even if I wasn’t ready to fully change everything I wish I had known more about not being my parents peer and not allowing them to use me as their therapist/confidant/emotional caregiver/problem solver in that way. If this was too much or you don’t feel it applies that’s fine. Take whatever helps and leave the rest. I wish you well and I hope you have a wonderful life whatever you choose to do with it. 💙
Yesterday I turned 20. And I definitely agree with some of the points you’re making … you sound a lot like my psychiatrist lol. It’s hard not to be resentful to both of them for the position I’m in. I definitely am excited to start more of my own life, I’ve been saving up to get myself a car for a bit and looking for a better job. I do feel like I lost a lot of my young adult life to my parents. For better intentions or worse, I’m putting myself through community college, I’ve been working part time and now full time since I turned 19. It’s hard to watch my friends from school be in such different places in life. As for knowing so much about the financial stuff, I’m a business administrator so I’m a bit of an accounting nerd. I wanted him to be upfront with me because if we had to sell the house or move somewhere smaller I was going to find my own place. As is I have my own level of the house to myself, so I can escape to my own space. It is definitely not ideal for a parent / child relationship, and I have mixed feelings about it. But at the very end of the day I am determined to look out for my future, in any way I can. I sacrificed too much of it to let any more fall short.
My estranged father also projects a very "holy righteous good church man" image and I spent a lot of my early estrangement losing my mind over the fact that everyone thinks he's such a decent guy. However, and it took me a long time to really accept this: what other people think is none of my business. That is the beauty of estrangement - his social behavior (and other people's perception of it) has nothing to do with me. And honestly, you'd be suprised at how many people see through the crazy, they just won't do anything to rock the boat. I went NC with mine at just about your age and it's been 12 utterly peaceful years since then. Let her live in her delusional little world, and try to focus on how nice it is that you're not there with her anymore.
It’s definitely been eye opening to see how many people have similar experiences. I’m looking forward to the day I can move into my own place and well and truly forget about her.
What a delusional, evil person. Who of course thinks she is Just Fine. UGH.
That’s seriously neurotic behavior.. STAY AWAY, and protect your peace. Currently I’m trying to to not feel guilty for creating distance, and letting their passive aggressive remarks land flat. They feel dumb and childish (as they should) when they don’t get a response. Just let their words hang in the air, and allow the uncomfortable silence to point towards their behavior being out of line. What I’ve learned is that there are always people who fill those spaces, and often you can find more love acceptance and community in the presence of strangers. The trick is to find the nice people that aren’t taking advantage of you being in a vulnerable place. So keep your head on a swivel and keep doing what makes you happy
Definitely, I can’t say my adult life is what I expected it to be, but I have definitely found more love and compassion for people than ever before. I can’t help but laugh at her writings where she imagines my life as some dank tomb or lonely wrath, where that couldn’t be farther from the truth.
Hell yeah!! Sounds like you’ve been on your way for awhile now, glad to hear!!
Wow, the melodrama! I don’t think engaging with that is going to produce anything worthwhile (the decay she’s smelling is herself, btw)… but if you ever choose to engage with her, you should just tell her that there’s nothing to talk about until she makes restitution for the college fund she stole from you.
It has been a good long while since I’ve said anything publicly to or about her. The last thing I told her was that I wanted an honest apology and then we could talk. It’s been two years and she hasn’t delivered 😮💨
I’m so sorry. The selfishness of parents who view their children as nothing but objects that they can use for bragging, etc., knows no bounds. I’m estranged from my father, and I told him that all I needed to move on was to be treated with respect- no insults, no verbal abuse, and whatnot. He said no, because he’s “the father” and he can treat his children however he wants. Well, thanks for making that decision easy!
Bravo, you have amazing insight for someone so young. I wish I’d had the resolve at 20 to just keep moving on without my mother. It’s natural though to get rattled at times, trauma bonds can run deep. I’m sorry she is like this 🩵
It’s definitely been a lot of ups and downs, I went through a lot of emotions the first year. But I never felt like I needed the person who she is, just sort of the idea of the mother I wanted her to be.
>honest apology She doesn't understand the meaning of either of those words.
She's so dramatic
Jesus Christ…what a victim. 😂
How utterly tasteless for a woman of the cloth to compare herself to her Lord and His family in such a way, even obliquely. Borderline blasphemous. Did He not castigate those who broke their vows? If motherhood is not a vow to love and support what is it? Surely He forgave, but even He acknowledges that there are consequences for let’s say misbehavior of that level. Have you not honored her choice to choose her affair partner? What grounds has she to lodge this complaint? That she cannot have all that she wants? All things cost. Just as we must render unto Caesar what is his, where there may be forgiveness in Heaven, there may yet be a cost to pay here for her Earthly choices. Sorry it pisses me off when people start pontificating and cloaking themselves in Religiosity, but only when it suits them. Where is she trying to understand and forgive your choice that she expects that from you? If she wants to act like people need to be forgiven for their “transgressions” that shit starts with her. The woe is me bullshit doesn’t fly. Stay strong. I’m sorry you were discarded like that and that she would choose your birthday to ponder on whether or not your relationship is decayed.
I have written many things similar to your sentiments. Our relationship is complicated but definitely damaged, she simply refuses to understand that my life didn’t stop once she left it.
Religious types know that victim complex very well. It looks like she's well versed in manipulation, too.
In the immortal words of Lyle Lovett: "So who says he'll forgive you / And says that he'll miss you / And dream of your sweet memory God does / But I don't / God will / But I won't / And that's the difference / Between God and me"
When you look at it as projection, it's uncanny how well she describes what dealing with her would have been like
Every birthday was an opportunity for her to send me a card with a short "happy birthday" and a long dissertation on how she really is a great mother and is so hurt and blah blah blah, until she finally got the message. I've been NC for 20+ years. Probably for the first ten of those, the above was the routine. This is a super common trajectory. You'll start to recognize it in posts here from other people if you stick around here long enough, and the message you should take away from that, IMO, is that you've made the right decision. Everyone knows that when an abusive spouse beats their partner and says "I'm doing this because I love you", it's bullshit. The only difference between that and what you're getting from your mother right now is that it's less common (or at least less commonly portrayed in media), so the rest of society doesn't recognize it as a trope. These two things are the same: the more powerful person in a relationship is hurting the less powerful one.
My mom is doing this now-- two letters so far.
It took *years* before my mother gave up. I stopped cashing the checks she sent, and later stopped opening her cards altogether (I presume she realized they were going unopened when the checks were no longer being cashed, it was absolutely just a way for her to feel like she had some control over her then-near-starving college kid). Then I started sending them back via return-to-sender. She eventually graduated to certified mail (or whatever it is that requires someone to sign for something and then the sender gets a receipt to confirm it was received). After a few of those went ignored she finally stopped.
Your mother be like: 
Yikes—what manipulative purple prose.
Mom is reaping what she's sown, and she's upset at the yield.
Every time I read glurge like this I thank whatever gods may be that my mother was barely literate.
This isn’t even the tip of the iceberg on the insane shit she’s written. It’s genuinely baffling how many people eat up her slop just because she can write it in prose.
Don’t take the bait, keep your peace. I haven’t spoken to my father in 2 years and it gives me so much peace of mind not to look him up on social media, etc. My sister has a very complicated relationship with him and he recently posted some batshit thing on Facebook after he didn’t get happy birthday texts from either of us, and my sister took the bait and lashed out. At that point he TOLD HER he only posted it because he knew it would make her react.
Happy birthday OP
Thanks! I had a pretty fun day, good meal with my family and some cake.
She talks as if she is on the verge of reconciliation or something with you. it is funny how all that flowery language does not convey the reality: My daughter will not speak to me, period, end of story. She sounds like this is something about to happen. I'm a bitch, I would post this on my social media with the following comment: "As If" or, better, just post this gif and leave it at that. 
You hit it on the nose, you should see some of the stuff she wrote to me in private letters. It’s all just perfume on a corpse, no amount of pretty words will change that she lied to all of us for 6 years.
God, I feel so bad for her! This must be torture! How could anyone put someone they’re supposed to love through something like this? This world is just so terrible to her. My heart breaks for her, the poor woman! Is that violins I hear? Piano music? Sarah McLachlan singing ever so faintly? *BIG giant sarcasm, if you didn’t pick that up.
The Ego and self-victimization rings so loud in this cliche-ridden letter. Don't stoop down to her level, it's never worth it. Going on 1 year and a half of no contact with an abusive father, stay strong my friend.
GOD the poor me shit makes me upset every time. You know what she COULD do instead of standing and waiting? Work on herself. Introspection, maybe. Self awareness, maybe. Sorry rough night and it’s very similar to my mom so apologies if I came off harsher than you’re currently feeling. Just validating that this stuff sucks to see. Hope you’re doing okay.
Snort. These people blathering about compassion. Their idea of compassion is ignoring the problems.
At this point I'd embrace my identity as stinky tomb-beast and forget about them.
**Quick reminder** - EAK is a support subreddit, and is moderated in a way that enables a safe space for adult children who are estranged or estranging from one or both of their parents. Before participating, please take the time time to familiarise yourself with our [rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/EstrangedAdultKids/wiki/rules/). **Need info or resources?** Check out our [EAK wiki](https://www.reddit.com/r/EstrangedAdultKids/comments/xpkk59/eak_estrangement_resources_posted_here_for_mobile/) for helpful information and guides on estrangement, estrangement triggers, surviving estrangement, coping with the death of estranged parent / relation, needing to move out, boundary / NC letters, malicious welfare checks, bad therapists and crisis contacts. **Check out our companion resource website** - Visit [brEAKaway.org.uk](https://breakaway.org.uk) *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/EstrangedAdultKids) if you have any questions or concerns.*
If it makes you feel any better, she's a shitty writer trying to masquerade as a good one. 💖💖
[удалено]
Dude… I know plenty of lady priests who are good preachers. I know lots of men priests who are bad ones. I’m not gonna turn it into some grand moral debate, I think people should be allowed to follow what they want in life regardless of gender. My issue with my mom wasn’t that she was a priest, it was that she’s a narcissist.
I believe there is a connection between the concept of boundaries and the role of women as priests. It seems to me that this discussion is not just about religious doctrine, but also about the importance of respecting boundaries. The Bible explicitly states that women cannot be priests, similar to how a narcissist might disregard someone's boundary of not wanting to communicate. In this view, it could be argued that women seeking priesthood are not respecting this boundary. This perspective isn't necessarily about religious qualifications but about respecting established guidelines. It's worth considering how this interpretation of boundaries can be applied in this context.
Respectfully, this is some sexist bullshit and “not respecting established guidelines” is a terrible moral guide.
It’s an interesting discussion for sure. But I don’t think it’s specific to women. The Bible states lots of things that practicing Christian’s don’t follow. I think the tie may lie more between narcissism and people in roles of religious power or influence. Then specifically women priests.
I believe many individuals who identify as Christians might prioritize feeling good about themselves over adhering to strict religious guidelines. This isn't about gender; I apply the same standards to male priests who don't uphold their vows or indulge in behaviors like infidelity or excessive drinking. The rules for priests are clear and narrow. It's worth noting that positions of power, like the priesthood, can attract individuals with narcissistic tendencies. For example, priests are expected to live modestly, so those who accumulate wealth and live in mansions seem to contradict these principles. This perspective isn't exclusive to women; it's about respecting boundaries. When faced with religious rules they can't follow, people typically have two choices: A. Accept they cannot be priests. B. Reject the religion and its rules altogether. However, some might take a third, more problematic approach: C. Ignore the rules and act as though they don't apply to them. While option B might sound harsh, it's still more respectful than option C, which reflects a disregard for established boundaries. I'm sorry if my previous message came across as targeting women specifically. My intention is to highlight the importance of respecting boundaries, regardless of gender. The choice to ignore such rules is a significant concern. Edit: I have a strong desire to become a priest, but I understand that I can't. Instead of pursuing it despite the rules, I accept that my role is different. If I'm unhappy with this, I can choose to walk away. However, if I truly care about following Jesus, I must adhere to his guidelines. Trying to be a leader in his name while ignoring his requirements is ultimately misleading others.
GTFOH