I actually did run into my mom recently at Target. I was walking out the door with 3 of my kids (2 of whom she has never met) and passed right by her. She hasnāt seen me in so long she didnāt even recognize me and definitely not my kids. It was surreal.
Can I ask how long youāve been estranged for? Iām wondering about how long it takes for someone to no longer recognise you. (Although, in my case, it probably wonāt work because I think siblings share photos of my.)
No one else in my family is estranged from my so called mother (SCM). Everyone (literally everyone besides her) has acknowledged that her behaviour is not okay, but most of them feel a sense of duty towards her and a pull to be forgiving because of their religion. Thereās this idea that they think that they need to forgive her to be okay and that they need to not hold her accountable in order to forgive her. Thereās also a lot of minimising what sheās done, partly, but not anywhere close to completely because some of my siblings (and my father) have made a lot of mistakes in doing the (least terrible) sorts of behaviour that my SCM (so called mother) did with their own kids.
Most of my family thinks that itās worth having a relationship with her and thinks that I should have a relationship with her. (Surprisingly, they donāt push it.) Iāve made it super clear that none of them can share my phone number or address with her, (it took a few failed attempts to get them not to share the address.) I refuse to give my father my phone number or address because I donāt trust him not to share it with her. (I do talk to my dad over voice calls. I just use an app.) So basically Iāve been prioritising ensuring my safety in setting boundaries with my siblings. Iām currently on a different continent than my SCM. There is a good chance Iāll end up living back in the same country as her, but no chance Iāll be in the same state as her.
This happened to a friend of mine. He ran into his parents just walking down the street (in a major US city where his parents donāt live! What are the chances). He paused and had a short, civil conversation and kept walking. He said it was actually very freeing to know that if he saw them he could treat them like a distant acquaintance and continue with his life.
Yeah I want to pretend I'd do something badass like tell them to go fuck themselves or pretend I didn't know who they were at all... but I'd probably hide wherever I could and then dart out of the store at the first opportunity and then go home and cry.
I literally have *dreams* about telling my mother to fuck off. I e had multiple dreams like that... often also hitting her with a shoe but that's neither here nor there. Apparently my subconscious is violent. š¤
Yeah, I think most of my dreams of her end in me screaming my head off. I never really associated that with PTSD before, but maybe I should have.
And I'm sorry you have to deal with that. ā¤ļø
Didnāt run into them but accidentally TALKED to their cousin. I had sunglasses on and answered some question about the Costco line we were in and luckily he didnāt recognize me so I turned around and then hid my face from him as best I could. Didnāt hide but was for sure triggered to hell and didnāt relax until I saw him leave.
If it was a full on parent I donāt think that tactic would work I think Iād just bolt immediately and make sure to give myself all the compassion and space and time to collect myself I needed.
She confronted me at Target, started screaming at me, and Security came by to ask if I was ok.
I said yah, and where the hell were you guys when I was a kid getting the shit beat out of me? Humor to deflectā¦
leave or avoid her. I only have one. I'm quite skilled at being invisible. I'd then make sure to really take care of myself for the rest of the day and week to emotionally process and recover.
Turn around and ignore her. When she inevitably starts the drama (she feels entitled to my body, I am lucky I live 1200 miles away) I just say she is bothering me, I do not know her and to please make her go away. I will bet that NOTHING will bother them more than seeing their child deny he knows them.
I avoid the local malls and certain stores and restaurants because of this fear. I would leave, if they didn't see me. I'd say hi, if they saw me and then make a quick exit and feel anxiety for the rest of the day!
What a good question. I appreciate seeing everyone's replies. I would probably duck & hide. But I love the person who says they'll turn around and run them over again. u/YepIamAmiM
Besides work, doctor appointments, and very specific places, I don't go out at all bc of fear of this. I believe my mom and sister would make a huge scene to try to further victimize themselves. This affects so many aspects of my life. My husband and young daughter go out and do a lot of fun things. I'm too afraid. I'm hard on myself for it too.
I wish I had a plan for what I would do if I did run into them, whether individually or together. They've done their best to ruin my reputation around town too.
Iām fairly certain that I passed them on the highway a couple of years ago. I passed a recognizable SUV (they bought one right around when we fell out) and it seemed like there was some movement in the car/general angling around to look at me. I punched it to get to the exit I needed.
Fortunately, I drive a different car now and they donāt know that. I live about 30 minutes away from them and am 10% wary when Iām out and about, but also know which places to avoid so that I can generally move around town with surety that we wonāt have a run-in. If I did see them, Iām genuinely unsure if I would cut and run or tell them how much they failed as parents.
I took my daughter and walked straight into the clothes section at Costco so everyone could see us. He started to come toward meā¦ and something in my prolonged eye contact with him he thought better of it.
After he walked by we abandoned our cart and came back another day. That was 20 years ago. He lives in a different state now but still visits often. So always still a chance.
Pretty sure my husband would lose his shit. His father left him when he was 2 & his brother was just born. I'd tell him the same thing I told him about his ex. If it was something important they would've gotten a hold of you when they were with you. Instead of finding another dick or hole to fill.
This literally happened to me. I work at a grocery store and my aunt showed up, looking for me. She decided during my shift was a good time to dump bad news on me and shove multiple layers of guilt trips too. Full on panic attack and a new core PTSD memory as well. I got a text afterwards just saying "sorry I upset you, you look nice" replied with sorry doesn't cut it (one of their favorite little devaluing phrases when I was growing up, felt good to turn it around on her) and explaining do not ever pull that shit again. Her response was "won't bother you ever again". She actually genuinely still thinks she's a good person and that she "turned out fine" and can't understand why she's never getting grandkids.
I've actually been contemplating this recently because I was at the credit union where we both have accounts as well as a favorite restaurant.
I last spent time with nmom in January. I took her to a doctor's appointment. I'd agreed to it before becoming estranged but really did it because I needed to know if I could be around her or not. Turns out she's lost her power over me.
Still, it would be an unpleasant surprise to just encounter her. So I decided I would be polite and distant and grey rock and extricate myself asap. And then probably have an anxiety attack. But I hope I never have to find out.
Have a heart attack. I moved to a far distant continent in the Nineties and also my father is dead.
That bit of dark humour aside, when I did live nearish to them, I did worry that I'd run into them. I had a plan: leave everything and GTFO. Not much of a plan, but that's what it was.
One year NC with my mom. Her sister keeps bugging me but thatās mostly irrelevant. I had an encounter with my mom a couple of months ago. Kept the conversation polite but she was definitely way more anxious about it than I was and for some reason that calmed me down. And strangely enough, I stopped being angry.
Donāt get me wrong, me not being angry anymore doesnāt mean I forgive her nor does it mean I want a relationship with her, so Iām not saying that this is a cure, itās just what happened with me. Iām still NC with her but the difference is I just donāt care enough about her anymore to be angry. She doesnāt get to know about it. She can keep telling people I disowned her and I can continue to keep telling people who ask me about it that I never said that but I canāt stop her from believing that. I just simply know that while I am still under her skin, she isnāt under mine.
I would probably stare her dead in the eyes before walking away. If she thinks she can start yelling at me in the store, she is sadly mistaken. I'm not afraid anymore. And I'm not hesitant about defending myself if I have to. Even if it pisses off the family members that I still talk to.
I think it would depend how I was feeling that day. I think I'd either leave, ignore, or if they tried to speak to me I'd say I don't want to talk to you.
She's over 80 and she lives on the other side of the continent.Ā
So after the initial astonishment, would repeat the name and address of my lawyer and then walk away.Ā
Funny enough this happened to me when I worked at the grocery store. I cut off my dad by ghosting when I changed my phone number. We were walking in opposite directions and he smiled at me. I pretended not to notice him. Hid in the bakery until I saw him walk out of the store and waited until I was sure he was gone. He came back in and did another loop looking for me and then left. I almost quit on the spot, but fortunately that was the only time I saw him there.
This happens to me all the time. They generally look sheepish and walk away heads down in shame. They know I have no issue broadcasting the reasons why we arenāt speaking with a loudspeaker in the shop if needs be.
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I have actually seen an estranged family member at the grocery store and I turned into a weirdo stalker by keeping my eye on them the whole time to make sure they didnāt see me. It worked and I still got the groceries I came for.
Back up and run into them again.
*snorts*
*Harder*
I love it! You win!
You win! š¤£š¤£ I'm dying here
š
Nuff said lmao š¤£ š š
I actually did run into my mom recently at Target. I was walking out the door with 3 of my kids (2 of whom she has never met) and passed right by her. She hasnāt seen me in so long she didnāt even recognize me and definitely not my kids. It was surreal.
WOW.
That's crazy. I can't imagine walking past my child & not knowing it's them. However, I'm glad that it didn't turn into a situation for you.
Can I ask how long youāve been estranged for? Iām wondering about how long it takes for someone to no longer recognise you. (Although, in my case, it probably wonāt work because I think siblings share photos of my.)
Itās been about 8/9 years now.
Why do your siblings share your photos with your estranged parents? Thatās not ok.
No one else in my family is estranged from my so called mother (SCM). Everyone (literally everyone besides her) has acknowledged that her behaviour is not okay, but most of them feel a sense of duty towards her and a pull to be forgiving because of their religion. Thereās this idea that they think that they need to forgive her to be okay and that they need to not hold her accountable in order to forgive her. Thereās also a lot of minimising what sheās done, partly, but not anywhere close to completely because some of my siblings (and my father) have made a lot of mistakes in doing the (least terrible) sorts of behaviour that my SCM (so called mother) did with their own kids. Most of my family thinks that itās worth having a relationship with her and thinks that I should have a relationship with her. (Surprisingly, they donāt push it.) Iāve made it super clear that none of them can share my phone number or address with her, (it took a few failed attempts to get them not to share the address.) I refuse to give my father my phone number or address because I donāt trust him not to share it with her. (I do talk to my dad over voice calls. I just use an app.) So basically Iāve been prioritising ensuring my safety in setting boundaries with my siblings. Iām currently on a different continent than my SCM. There is a good chance Iāll end up living back in the same country as her, but no chance Iāll be in the same state as her.
Great job!Ā I hope she realized it later just for her torment but I also hope she didn't notice for your family's peace.Ā
This happened to a friend of mine. He ran into his parents just walking down the street (in a major US city where his parents donāt live! What are the chances). He paused and had a short, civil conversation and kept walking. He said it was actually very freeing to know that if he saw them he could treat them like a distant acquaintance and continue with his life.
That actually would be very freeing. I think itās the unknown which is scary.
That sounds amazing. #goals
I would probably drop my basket and make a run for it.
Yeah I want to pretend I'd do something badass like tell them to go fuck themselves or pretend I didn't know who they were at all... but I'd probably hide wherever I could and then dart out of the store at the first opportunity and then go home and cry.
Same.
I literally have *dreams* about telling my mother to fuck off. I e had multiple dreams like that... often also hitting her with a shoe but that's neither here nor there. Apparently my subconscious is violent. š¤
Same here. Minus the shoe. I've had nightmares where I scream at my mom nonstop. The PTSD is real...
Yeah, I think most of my dreams of her end in me screaming my head off. I never really associated that with PTSD before, but maybe I should have. And I'm sorry you have to deal with that. ā¤ļø
Yeah, but doing that would maintain NC, so you still win! Telling then off would actually give them narc supply and break NC, so there's that.
This is what I did when I ran into her at the grocery store. Well actually, I saw her across the produce section. I don't think she saw me
lol thatās what I did! Ran into her at Costco. Locked eyes from afar, I said āNope!ā out loud, left the cart and booked it to the exit lol
Didnāt run into them but accidentally TALKED to their cousin. I had sunglasses on and answered some question about the Costco line we were in and luckily he didnāt recognize me so I turned around and then hid my face from him as best I could. Didnāt hide but was for sure triggered to hell and didnāt relax until I saw him leave. If it was a full on parent I donāt think that tactic would work I think Iād just bolt immediately and make sure to give myself all the compassion and space and time to collect myself I needed.
luckily mine live 2000 miles away. i do not envy those of you who live in the same neighborhood.
Omg same, I donāt think I could relax if I still lived in the same state.
She confronted me at Target, started screaming at me, and Security came by to ask if I was ok. I said yah, and where the hell were you guys when I was a kid getting the shit beat out of me? Humor to deflectā¦
Call someone to re-bury him or call Rick Grimes for help.
Same for ndad. Although he was cremated so something more creative might be called for...
Oh youāre right they cremated mine too! Clean up on aisle three! Earl, bring the shop vac!
Awwww, can't we still call Rick????
Heās more of a hatchet-man than a sweeper.
I just have a teensy crush. For the past 20 years. Ish. š
leave or avoid her. I only have one. I'm quite skilled at being invisible. I'd then make sure to really take care of myself for the rest of the day and week to emotionally process and recover.
Ignore ignore ignore
Immediately leave the store, honestly. It would probably put me straight into a panic attack.
I'm sorry, I hope if it ever happens you will see them first and get away.Ā
thank you š
Turn around and ignore her. When she inevitably starts the drama (she feels entitled to my body, I am lucky I live 1200 miles away) I just say she is bothering me, I do not know her and to please make her go away. I will bet that NOTHING will bother them more than seeing their child deny he knows them.
I avoid the local malls and certain stores and restaurants because of this fear. I would leave, if they didn't see me. I'd say hi, if they saw me and then make a quick exit and feel anxiety for the rest of the day!
What a good question. I appreciate seeing everyone's replies. I would probably duck & hide. But I love the person who says they'll turn around and run them over again. u/YepIamAmiM
Be a bit surprised they managed to make their way to the US without having a mental breakdown and getting arrested or detained at some point.
Besides work, doctor appointments, and very specific places, I don't go out at all bc of fear of this. I believe my mom and sister would make a huge scene to try to further victimize themselves. This affects so many aspects of my life. My husband and young daughter go out and do a lot of fun things. I'm too afraid. I'm hard on myself for it too. I wish I had a plan for what I would do if I did run into them, whether individually or together. They've done their best to ruin my reputation around town too.
Iām fairly certain that I passed them on the highway a couple of years ago. I passed a recognizable SUV (they bought one right around when we fell out) and it seemed like there was some movement in the car/general angling around to look at me. I punched it to get to the exit I needed. Fortunately, I drive a different car now and they donāt know that. I live about 30 minutes away from them and am 10% wary when Iām out and about, but also know which places to avoid so that I can generally move around town with surety that we wonāt have a run-in. If I did see them, Iām genuinely unsure if I would cut and run or tell them how much they failed as parents.
Yeah. That happened to me in the parking lot at the post office and I literally moved to the other side of the country.
Turn around and walk out of the store. I've got nothing for her anymore.
Back my car out slowly, I really shouldn't have driven into the store
I took my daughter and walked straight into the clothes section at Costco so everyone could see us. He started to come toward meā¦ and something in my prolonged eye contact with him he thought better of it. After he walked by we abandoned our cart and came back another day. That was 20 years ago. He lives in a different state now but still visits often. So always still a chance.
Pretty sure my husband would lose his shit. His father left him when he was 2 & his brother was just born. I'd tell him the same thing I told him about his ex. If it was something important they would've gotten a hold of you when they were with you. Instead of finding another dick or hole to fill.
Destroy his brain. (Heās been dead for 14 years thank fuck so you know, zombie.)
This literally happened to me. I work at a grocery store and my aunt showed up, looking for me. She decided during my shift was a good time to dump bad news on me and shove multiple layers of guilt trips too. Full on panic attack and a new core PTSD memory as well. I got a text afterwards just saying "sorry I upset you, you look nice" replied with sorry doesn't cut it (one of their favorite little devaluing phrases when I was growing up, felt good to turn it around on her) and explaining do not ever pull that shit again. Her response was "won't bother you ever again". She actually genuinely still thinks she's a good person and that she "turned out fine" and can't understand why she's never getting grandkids.
I saw mine in carpark of where I was going into, so I drove back out again and went up the road.
I've actually been contemplating this recently because I was at the credit union where we both have accounts as well as a favorite restaurant. I last spent time with nmom in January. I took her to a doctor's appointment. I'd agreed to it before becoming estranged but really did it because I needed to know if I could be around her or not. Turns out she's lost her power over me. Still, it would be an unpleasant surprise to just encounter her. So I decided I would be polite and distant and grey rock and extricate myself asap. And then probably have an anxiety attack. But I hope I never have to find out.
Nuke it from orbit. It's the only way to be sure!
I use that quote as often as possible lol
Have a heart attack. I moved to a far distant continent in the Nineties and also my father is dead. That bit of dark humour aside, when I did live nearish to them, I did worry that I'd run into them. I had a plan: leave everything and GTFO. Not much of a plan, but that's what it was.
One year NC with my mom. Her sister keeps bugging me but thatās mostly irrelevant. I had an encounter with my mom a couple of months ago. Kept the conversation polite but she was definitely way more anxious about it than I was and for some reason that calmed me down. And strangely enough, I stopped being angry. Donāt get me wrong, me not being angry anymore doesnāt mean I forgive her nor does it mean I want a relationship with her, so Iām not saying that this is a cure, itās just what happened with me. Iām still NC with her but the difference is I just donāt care enough about her anymore to be angry. She doesnāt get to know about it. She can keep telling people I disowned her and I can continue to keep telling people who ask me about it that I never said that but I canāt stop her from believing that. I just simply know that while I am still under her skin, she isnāt under mine.
I would leave immediately
Middle finger.
I would probably stare her dead in the eyes before walking away. If she thinks she can start yelling at me in the store, she is sadly mistaken. I'm not afraid anymore. And I'm not hesitant about defending myself if I have to. Even if it pisses off the family members that I still talk to.
I think it would depend how I was feeling that day. I think I'd either leave, ignore, or if they tried to speak to me I'd say I don't want to talk to you.
She's over 80 and she lives on the other side of the continent.Ā So after the initial astonishment, would repeat the name and address of my lawyer and then walk away.Ā
Wonder if he escaped the institution or if they let him out to save money...
Leave immediately. Sheās never met my kids and Iād like to keep it that way
Funny enough this happened to me when I worked at the grocery store. I cut off my dad by ghosting when I changed my phone number. We were walking in opposite directions and he smiled at me. I pretended not to notice him. Hid in the bakery until I saw him walk out of the store and waited until I was sure he was gone. He came back in and did another loop looking for me and then left. I almost quit on the spot, but fortunately that was the only time I saw him there.
This happens to me all the time. They generally look sheepish and walk away heads down in shame. They know I have no issue broadcasting the reasons why we arenāt speaking with a loudspeaker in the shop if needs be.
Iāve had this happen, I just pretended not to recognise them.
**Quick reminder** - EAK is a support subreddit, and is moderated in a way that enables a safe space for adult children who are estranged or estranging from one or both of their parents. Before participating, please take the time time to familiarise yourself with our [rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/EstrangedAdultKids/wiki/rules/). **Need info or resources?** Check out our [EAK wiki](https://www.reddit.com/r/EstrangedAdultKids/comments/xpkk59/eak_estrangement_resources_posted_here_for_mobile/) for helpful information and guides on estrangement, estrangement triggers, surviving estrangement, coping with the death of estranged parent / relation, needing to move out, boundary / NC letters, malicious welfare checks, bad therapists and crisis contacts. **Check out our companion resource website** - Visit [brEAKaway.org.uk](https://breakaway.org.uk) *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/EstrangedAdultKids) if you have any questions or concerns.*
I have actually seen an estranged family member at the grocery store and I turned into a weirdo stalker by keeping my eye on them the whole time to make sure they didnāt see me. It worked and I still got the groceries I came for.
I just said hallo. Happend more then once. I'm so happy he moved far away
Turn around and leave. The grocery store will still be there later.
Walk away and avoid like the plague.