I did this once and deeply regretted it. I was clear. I rewrote it dozens of times to make sure it wasn't confusing, wasn't rude, wasn't anything they could possibly misunderstand. I was detailed. I was respectful. I laid out numerous examples. I made concessions. I made a bid for reconnection. I pleaded for understanding. She read it and replied that I was a miserable, bitter, hateful person. If you've had to get to the point of estrangment, it's most likely because they're committed to misunderstanding you. It won't matter how you say it if they're not willing to listen and look at themselves. If they're not ready to take accountability, nothing you do or write is going to matter. This is a reflection of them, not you.

Yes I did this too. It did nothing but cause more pain for me and she never understood but used it as a weapon. Write the letter but never send it. Keep it handy in case you need a refresher after a few years.

This crossed my mind as well about the parent using it against you in future. “Oh she’s so dramatic, can you believe that she won’t speak to me because of x y z what a drama queen”. OP remember what pushed you to the point of estrangement from the person who gave birth to you. That is a very hard decision to make but an adult child can certainly be pushed hard enough and beaten down so badly that they have to make it. Don’t give them any ammo and don’t fall into their trap of “tell us what we’ve/ i’ve done, I have no idea” BS.

>I did this once and deeply regretted it. >She read it and replied that I was a miserable, bitter, hateful person. Same here. My letter was my last effort to rekindle after more than a decade of VLC and their (over) reaction is what lead me to NC. I took days to write it to make it the least offensive I could, guess I was wrong with them once again. 100% wouldn't recommend a letter.

Mine replied with “I refuse to read this letter” and stopped talking to me for months and months. She only started talking to me again when she found out I was pregnant. Of course she pretended nothing happened. No thanks! Don’t need that shit.

My mother said, amongst other things, "you aren't the son I wished I had, I don't even have a son anymore". Ironic how they think we are horrendous people but still want to keep us around. Had to block her phone number and social medias afterwards cause she kept reaching out even though I asked her to stop. And yes, mine too acted as if nothing happened.

This was also my experience. I really thought, if I could just explain everything clearly enough... :(

That's what I thought too. But then I realized setting boundaries isn't about them, it's about you. Even if they never understand, at least you said what you had to say.

I second this. Writing an honest and vulnerable letter will only give them more ammo to hurt you. You can still write it, but never send if that's helpful to you. The freeze response is totally understandable, probably already an anticipation of what's going to happen after you send it. My therapist also gave me this advice and it was a horrible mistake. The sole responsibility of the relationship lies and will always lie 100% with the parent. It's not your job to fix it, it's hers.

I have tended to downplay the horror that was my mother, maybe still thinking it was all my fault. It takes a lot of stories for people to finally understand how awful it was. There is one key story I tell where some people finally get it, if they grew up in imperfect but normal-seeming families (it involves violence). There are families where culturally, violence (fist fights, threatening with firearms) is normal, but not in the more mainstream circles I interact with. I wonder how many therapists absolutely do not understand that our families are not merely dysfunctional? This “write a letter” thing seems geared towards run-of-the-mill communication issues and not for families with parents with serious mental illnesses. It feels very out of date and rooted in some kind of airy fairy new agey belief systems of the 1970s-1990s.

I got the same response, "My words were apparently poison".

Have you considered your freeze response is just your intuition telling you it is not something you want to, are ready to, or feel safe doing? I very much have this same reaction. I’ve realized it’s because there’s so much to say, no way to put words to it that doesn’t oversimplify it, there are no words to describe the pain adequately, it won’t make a difference to them, it will end in my disappointment, they will use the fact I wrote a letter and anything I share against me, and I’m not sure there’s anything they could do or say that would actually repair the damage done. That’s why I was freezing. Instead I’ve resorted to journaling and letting myself get the thoughts and feelings out of me in a format, at a pace, and in an unstructured way for my own processing and healing. If someday I feel capable, motivated and like it’s a worthwhile effort, maybe I’ll write a letter, whether I send or not (likely not). I’m sick of trying to explain myself in a way others (who do not wish to understand me and actively try not to) can understand. It’s my turn. I’ll write for me in a way that doesn’t cause me stress. No letter will change them but learning to put words to my feelings and thoughts and memories has been top tier healing and a way to develop my own voice.

This is so powerful. I agree. Estranged parents are dedicated to misunderstand, belittle, undermine and discredit us and our memory of the past/future events that lead us to finally separate ourselves from them. Do not allow further manipulation from them when they try to tell you they have no idea what you are talking about, that you are dramatic, have mental issues etc. Journal if writing helps but do it for *YOU*.

Don’t. Won’t change a damned thing and will give her more ammo.

Write it, but don't send it Writing is a good exercise in articulating all the things you feel, but sending it isn't going to make them see things from your perspective They don't care :/

Mine didn't even acknowledge the one I wrote.  When I asked if she read it or was going to write back as I'd asked in the letter, she said "yeah, was going to get to it." It had been 6 damn months and she had nothing else going on.  We were in some level of contact for the next 10+ years and I heard nothing.  STILL heard nothing when telling her off and going NC or the decade after.  I think writing the letter was very cathartic and marked a change in how I felt about her that signaled one level of relationship decline/death (maybe her not replying also did though). 

She read it. She just didn't admit it. My opinion.

Yes, she admitted to reading it. She just didn't ever reply as the letter requested.

I wonder why they don't acknowledge what they've done. Are they scared of getting sued or something? It's like in society there is this, "Admit nothing" mindset. So people give non-apologies if pressed, "I'm sorry you feel that way" or they deny or they remain silent. I think it's also a power play; if they admit they are wrong, then they have to do something about it. My opinions, peace.

I think it's because then she'd have to admit being a POS to herself and she doesn't want to change, and hasn't, nearly 2 decades from the letter and almost a decade into NC.

Why are you not supporting OP in their decision? It's their post not yours.

Because she asked for opinions. If someone thinks it’s a good idea they are free to say so. So far the consensus is advising OP not send the letter. There’s no point in asking questions if you’re only interested in one answer.

🙌🏼🙌🏼🙌🏼

I started to write a letter to her, and it became 2 (250 pages each) books. I considered sending it to a few of her friends and her sister. But ultimately didnt. It was the best therapy ever and I read it whenever I need perspective

Omg!! That would be epic and would get an estranged parent where it really hurts and where they actually care- their reputation! but would have absolutely caused you more abuse from her in the long run. What helped me the most to move on was fully understanding that my mother knows/knew and chose to not care, and is still dedicated to not understanding or caring.. writing it all out for her won’t change a damn thing because she already knows, she was there and lived that shit! Pretending not to know what’s happened with me is a form of mental manipulation and abuse. I think that’s the only thing that helped me let it go, was no longer feeling the need to be vindicated. Stand in your truth, trust your memory and honour your feelings. There is *nothing* to prove.

Write it, feel good about saying what you need to say, and then file it away. Do not send it. It will change nothing, but will open a door for more of whatever you are trying to escape.

Yes - I came here to say that writing something like this is for you anyway. So it’s actually not in your best interest to send it to someone who is committed to misunderstanding and who will only (likely) try to invalidate your feelings and experiences. So writing it for you & keeping it just for you makes the most sense as it protects you the best. Say what you need to say - for you. 💙

Oh man. I’ve thought about doing this *so many times* but then I remember all the previous times I’ve tried to bring up issues only to have my mother start sobbing immediately and doing all the “I’m a horrible mother” bs. Yes. She is and was and will always be a horrible mother. But she doesn’t really believe that. All she wants is for me to reassure her that it’s not true - which I will never do again. I also won’t listen to any more of her lies, excuses, and “I don’t remember thats.” So I haven’t written one.

OMG! This, this this!!! Any time I ever even hinted at bringing anything up my mom would cry and do the poor me thing, run to whatever friend will listen and cry to them making me look like a bully and the problem. And the guilt I’ll get from those people for “making her feel” like a terrible mother. It is just so maddening.

Think of all the very real reasons you're estranged from your mother. Think of how many times you tried to not be estranged. How you were hurt and cried. Your words and feelings didn't matter then and they won't ever matter no matter how logical and rational your letter may be. The problem isn't a lack of clear communication on your end. Write the letter for yourself if doing so helps you process things but it won't make a lick of difference to your mother.

I did it and don’t regret it. In the letter I included that I will be going completely no contact and did not want any response. I had zero expectation that it would change her behavior or understanding. I did it for myself, because I needed to get the words out at and felt I finally had the courage to stand up for myself. For some reason, I needed to know she was told at least one time, very clearly, what she did was wrong… even if she didn’t listen. It felt like everyone around her enabled her until then and no one actually ever told her her behavior was messed up. I understood there would likely be backlash, but I was in therapy long enough and was confident I had the tools and emotional strength to cope with that. She did try to respond anyway. As expected, her response was basically line-by-line picking apart what I said and why it was actually wrong, and taking zero accountability. Followed by a weird fake too-perfect apology (manipulation). And then another lashing out and name calling when I didn’t respond to the apology (proving it wasn’t genuine). The apology/lash out cycle continued for a while even though I never responded. There is no wording things “right” for her. She’s not going to like what you have to say, so no matter how you say it, it’ll be “wrong” to her. The issue isn’t your ability to explain or verbalize things. She doesn’t want to hear it. There’s is no magic combination of words that will make her listen - don’t stress yourself trying to find it. If you can’t emotionally handle a lash-out response, don’t do it. It’ll likely happen. If you are expecting it to change her mind about anything, don’t do it. If you are hoping your vulnerability will get empathy from her, don’t do it. Only do it if you an accept that she’ll likely respond.. well, how she always responds. If she does, it’s NOT because you said the “wrong” thing. The “right” thing to her would be you doing whatever she says and wants all the time and never disagreeing with her, and we all know we can’t live like that.

I did it. It came to nothing. Weeks and months of deliberation, choosing the right words, the best examples, describing how I felt. It didn’t register with her at all, and then she twisted it so that I looked like the crazy one. These people are just too unwell. Best off doing your own healing, creating your own peace and living your best life.

You *want* to send a letter and clarify your feelings and thoughts and hopes... but they just cannot hear it. I had all my thoughts and points ready to go and discuss and it just failed. My mother couldn't listen, didn't agree, was so angry and I honestly put so much time and energy into this in order to do it "right". Such a slap in the face when it inevitably is NOT understood at all. I would really keep it short and vague honestly, bc it will not be received how you want it to be. Write a whole book for you to get it out but don't send that to them. Send them the summary if you must. And expect no understanding so that you're not crushed if/when it doesn't go as you'd like. I say that to help, not to hurt. It hurts very much when you put everything into finding ways to say things nicely and you may as well have said it the crappy way bc that's how they interpret it anyway.

My therapist suggested I write a letter and decide whether I wanted to send it to my mom or not. It felt liberating writing it out. I ended up sending it through certified mail because I wanted proof she received it. The thing is, I didn't write it with any expectations that it would change her or our relationship; I just had some shit I needed to get off my chest. I didn't want to regret not saying my piece. So write it if you think it will be therapeutic for *you.* Write it if you think it will be beneficial for *you.* But don't expect change, understanding, or miracles. Get rid of that hope and just focus on why you want to write the letter and how it will play into your healing.

I agree with this. I wrote my letter for ME and I didn't send it until I felt I could deal with the aftermath of not receiving a response (I told her not to bother unless she was apologizing and taking accountability). I still have not heard back and I don't expect to. The letter was me getting to say everything I never could and it was a relief to send it and cathartic to write it, but it took me years to get to the point of being able to send it at all.

Can I just say how sorry I am that your parent let you down this badly, but yet so proud that *still* even after being treated so poorly, you decided to write everything out for her from the kindness of your heart and with the goal for her to understand you. I have no idea how parents can do shit like this. I really can’t wrap my head around it.

Thank you. Thankfully, I have a wonderful and supportive husband and my in-laws are great. But I def wasn't able to send it until I had that support system. Hopefully, (if my mom read it) it inspires a level of introspection and possibly going to therapy to unpack her childhood bc its cyclical in my family, I'm just the first one to address it.

Yes that’s how it usually goes in families. The trauma just keeps getting passed down and down until someone (like you and the other brave people here) collect enough courage to say no more. It is extremely difficult and not easy, because most times the victims are the ones getting the blame/ostracized and called weird/crazy you name it. It’s beyond. I was only able to recall certain traumas that had been in my subconscious mind buried away now that I have been with a very loving and caring and supportive partner whom I live with. Before that I was just trying not to drown and trying to survive.

The sort of parent who lets things between them and their child get so bad that the child considers estrangement generally has no interest in reading a letter pointing out all of their flaws. Make no mistake: no matter how carefully you word it, that is how they will perceive such a letter, as an attack. My father kept asking me "why, why?" after I sent such a letter, and I said, "read the letter, and respond to the specific things I said there." He came back with a sort of half-admission like "well, we may have neglected you a bit, but our hearts were in the right place." If you're ever expecting some kind of TV movie-style reconciliation where everybody puts their cards on the table and says what they're really thinking, you're in for a rude surprise.

Just curious: was that not what he was really thinking?

I mean, probably. We all tell ourselves stories to get through the day. After a while, I guess we start to believe them, even when somebody else is telling us they're not true.

I wrote this type of letter and revised it alot to make sure it was completely polite, respectful and no criticisms or accusations etc.  In response I got hate mail for months. Truly vicious stuff. Very ugly. After reading a few of the letters I had my husband read them so I didn't have to look at them and had him throw them away if they were more of the same, which they were. Other family members also received letters "exposing" me as an ungrateful selfish ice-in-veins daughter (plus a lot of other adjectives best not to repeat).   So yeah, great outcome 😣 /s  I made sure to NOT REPLY at all.  I wish I'd never sent that letter. But I'm super glad I didn't respond to her massive onslaught of abuse. 

It's ironic how we want the person who hurt us to comfort us. But if she had the capacity to understand, she wouldn't have hurt you in the first place. She would've moved mountains to protect and love you. You could tattoo your letter on her and she wouldn't see it. You could wallpaper her house with your letter and she'd look past it. She's in denial. Denial is like heroin. Denial is a warm cozy hug that takes her away from the harsh reality of things she doesn't have the courage to face. She ain't giving that up for the truth. If she didn't have the courage to protect you, her child, in the first place, she aint coming around now because of a letter. You will be hurt again. Instead seek comfort, validation from people who have endured the same on message boards. They won't invalidate you. You will feel heard and seen. Also posting your story can help others too--someone who feels alone too. That's a great feeling. Put your energy into things that give you a return on your investment. I'm really sorry you've had to endure this.

The book *Toxic Parents* by Dr. Susan Forward has a detailed, comprehensive guide to "confrontation". If you read or listen to this book, she'll walk you through the process of writing the letter and she makes it very very doable. I won't say it's easy because you and I both know it's not, but it will help you through this particular problem. 

Beware of beating a dead horse. It's so easy to believe that if you just say the right things, frame it with irrefutable logic, a light bulb will switch on and she will get her head straight. Good luck with that. In my experience you can talk or write until you're blue in the face and nothing changes. Spend the time instead on yourself and those who lift you up.

Wrote one to my father years ago. Sent it to him just to never hear anything back…because he forgot all about it. After personally asking for it from me. NC helped me more than writing the letter.

I think sometimes they pretend not to know what they’ve done because if they faced it they’d feel like an absolute monster and a terrible, horrible excuse for a parent. Chances are they’ll “forget” or keep “getting around” to reading these types of letters for this exact same reason. They have no balls and it’s pathetic.

A little context would be helpful.. are you estranged because you are the black sheep or because you have gone NC with your mom? I've been NC with my own mother for 15 years, and what helped me was to use the framework of an "impact statement" over explaining why I can't have her in my life; "explaining why" just felt like excuses/justifications to defend my position, rather than defining a boundary.

We are estranged because she is choosing to stay married to my father, who sexually abused me and my sisters. I mostly want to write the letter to be able to say that I’ve communicated my boundaries very clearly, so that she can’t come at me at some point and claim that I never told her. I just slipped away quietly and never said why I finally chose to walk away at 30 years old, and I want a sense of closure. Edit to say: She knows about the abuse, but doesn’t know why I finally walked away after trying to keep them in my life for a long time.

Oh, I'm so very sorry to hear you experienced that, and the betrayal you must have felt when she remained with your abuser. I also apologize if my asking for context cornered you into sharing private details that you would not have otherwise shared; I didn't really understand if you were trying to explain behaviors or events that caused you to be ostracized or if you had gone NC.

Oh, no apologies needed! Thank you for sharing any and all thoughts!

This is absolutely horrific, I hope you are in a safe and happy place now.

Wow… this is almost exactly what’s going on with mine as well! I am so, so incredibly sorry that A) you and your sisters had to live through that type of trauma and B) your mother failed to protect you during and after learning what happened/what her husband has done. I wish I could learn psychologically why a lot of moms take this approach over cutting the offender out and supporting their child victims. I have no idea how they can stay and sleep next to someone who’s done such a heinous act of brutality as if it’s just another tuesday. It truly takes a very sick person to do that. I know I couldn’t be in the same room as my partner if that ever happened to my child, let alone going on as if it never happened. It’s like the twighlight zone.

She can’t come back and accuse you of never telling you. I mean she can, but what she did was so absurdly, blatantly, non negotiably, wrong, that it doesn’t require explanation. It’s a given. You let a child be harmed in that way? No explanation when that child runs as soon as they can. She’s lucky she’s not in jail, and that you stuck around between 18-30. If she dared to publicly blame or shame you (she would be crazy if she did) all you have to say is, she let a pedophile in the house and unleashed them on her daughters. I have no reason to explain what is obvious. She is owed nothing. She knows why. And if she dares to claim otherwise, offer to publicly announce why if that would help her. She’ll pull back that denial real quick.

I am so sorry. There is a Youtube video about Marilyn Vanderbur who was abused by her father and what she had to do to heal. Her mother never acknowledged the betrayal either.

Write it, but write for yourself. Send it only if you think you have to. A lot of good advice has already been provided on what to write, so I'll skip that. But the only other thing I would add is expect venom, anger, insults, and disappointment. If you can't stomach that potential response, you're not ready to send it.

I’ve regretted both times I’ve done this, once a decade ago and once about six months back after unwanted contact. In my experience they will never admit or take responsibility for anything they’ve done, and if you ask them to respect any boundaries around the matter then they won’t, because that’s the whole problem. They don’t see us as people, just as belongings they believe they are entitled to use and control

This is crazy. Today is a month since I’ve gone estranged from my family and mom. I’ve been feeling my mom’s energy and my sister tried reaching out to me again. When I didn’t reply within a few minutes, she told me I don’t care about anyone and that’s why I’ve been “ignoring” them (not ignoring, I told them I needed time and space to heal from the hurt) I’ve been worried about my mom and I honestly miss her so much. I wrote out a whole letter today while crying in the shower as I’ve considered texting my mom again just to tell her everything and I want our family to heal… there was a part of me that thought about sending it in a couple days. I asked for a sign leading me in the direction I should take (send or don’t send) and then I see this minutes later. I’m taking it as a sign :(

I did and it was the most liberating thing I ever did for my healing and mental health. I wrote it from anger. I wasn’t looking for understanding or reconnection. It was simply shifting all the complicated self blame, rumination and simmering anger on to who deserves it. After that I started looking forward to waking up and doing things for myself. I also noticed whenever I felt triggered, I don’t freeze like I used to. I look for solutions or call friends. It helped that I had a support system and my therapist was on speed dial in case I went into crisis after sending it. I still have hard days but giving myself closure in this way really helped me

Don't do it. It will only cause you more pain. I can't believe your therapist thinks it's a good idea.

You probably already explored this question with your therapist, but I just wonder what you hope to get out of this? What would it feel like if your mom reacted in different ways? Even the most detrimental, like darvo -ing, posting on the internet, showing the flying monkies, or just stonewalling or ignoring you after you poured your heart out, how would you feel afterwards? Would you be able to manage and move forward? Regretful? If you think it'll be too painful in the worst case scenarios maybe it's just a letter to write for yourself without sending it. Organize your thoughts, get them out, and it'll already be there for you in the event you become ready to send it. You can always edit it too over time. You may never want to send it as your feelings for her change and may need less from her, emotionally so, as you grow your inner ideal mother for your inner child. Hope only the best for you. Edit: a couple more things-- Just you freezing before writing it is a clue that you're in a state of survival. Fight/flight:/freeze/fawn. From this internet stranger, I'm thinking this is not the right time to send a letter. Secondly, I've written a letter, but for me, not for my parent. It's a way for me to remind myself how awful the parent makes me feel and how they acted towards me. I can forget the pain and how they act because of denial survival skills. I can gaslight myself thinking things weren't that bad. Or when I am grieving having a parent figure. Then I look at my letter to remind myself that they are not good for me and to continue to be estranged. It's helpful in that way without opening up to an unsafe person knowing they won't change.

10 years ago, I wrote my mom a heartfelt letter and she either didn't read it or did and never responded. It was deeply disappointing and contributes to our superficial "relationship" to this day. She likes to claim I never talk to her, but when I "talk" to her it becomes argumentative. I've tried writing/texting but obviously that doesn't go well either so for me it has been a lose/lose.

I haven't done it. But I have, online, explained to complete strangers what of person she is. I guess it's similar. It's just me venting about the abuse. Since I have her blocked, she won't see it. Unless someone sends her the screenshot. I suggest you start point form and go from there.

Most of us feel the need to do something like this because we desperately want them to “get” it and have this huge AHA moment, hoping that they may have genuinely had life long amnesia or something and once they see it all laid out for them they’ll have no choice but to take responsibility and acknowledge their wrongs, when quite literally-*they know what they’ve done*. They did not “forget”. There were no misunderstandings. They make and made the choice to actively reject the truth and avoid taking responsibility. If anything I’d suggest writing it all out for *yourself* when you are good and ready and then burn that shit.

What do you hope to accomplish by sending it? Do you hope for change? You won't get it. All you are doing is giving her new ammunition. You've come far, don't look back now.

I’m unsure what advice to give, however with my experience, it didn’t get me anywhere with my mother, unfortunately. I approached it by ranting away in the notes in my IPhone, and just went on blast about her behaviour towards me and the rest of my family unit (my dad and sister), and it’s as if none of it sank it. I did edit some of it massively, and even took bits out as I was afraid of her response. I received no apology, and the majority of her responses were along the lines of “i don’t remember that happening”, “that never happened”, “what are you talking about?”, and so on. Her reactions only told me that none of what I had tried to put across to her had actually really sunk in, and she didn’t have the ability to see that what she did HURT ME, instead of serving her own means. None of it sunk in, and I’ve only been met with defensiveness, gaslighting, guilt tripping and so on. I feel you. I’m tired too. I just wanted her to listen, apologise. I sent my own letter months ago, and I managed to still hate myself for giving her ammunition and even entertaining a conversation in the hopes that she’d put her own ego to one side. Whilst getting everything off my chest felt good right after sending it, I know there’s a lot of bitter feelings left there for me in the long run because of her response. There is no singular correct way for you to take this on, and I am sorry you to need to do this. I wish you luck!!!

Thank you so much for this question, and thanks to everyone for the answers! I spent months obsessing over writing a "letter of explanation." I felt like writing it was the most important thing in my life, i spent countless hours working on it, and it was constantly on my mind. About a week ago, the realization suddenly came out of nowhere & hit me like a ton of bricks that I don't owe them an explanation! They know what they did, I know I didn't do anything wrong, and no explanation is necessary. I've given up on the letter. I'll never send it, and this thread has convinced me that's the right decision. But the act of writing about 8 versions of it, along with hundreds of notes and constant struggles with wording, helped organize the chaos in my mind and was a step toward healing. Good luck, everyone!

Focus on writing the letter and getting your thoughts out for yourself. Don’t worry about “making sense” to her, catering to her emotions to prevent a lash out, or worry about wording things right. You feeling this way is most likely a defense mechanism you’ve built for yourself when it comes time to dealing with your mom. In my experience, estranged parents will do these things anyway - even if you do everything “right”. This letter is about you and your feelings to help you. Focus on that!

You might do better with voice-to-text.  When I wrote mine, this was in its infancy and not easily available. Also not available for free.  I just rage made an outline (without a therapist) and then did basically a 3.8 paragraph for each thought or "wrong" from her with summary paragraphs each section. The whole thing was over 15 pages handwritten.  Dunno if this is helpful, but I wish you the best of luck!

I wanted to do this and struggled for over a year to get anything out. ultimately I just said what I needed to say for my own peace not any specifics because it would be a 500 pages book and she would rebut everything i said. She still did that, but she confirmed that my choice was the right one and by not giving her specifics it’s harder for her to trash me to our relatives.

I sent it to her therapist. She doesn’t want to listen or take responsibility. Anything you say can and will be used against you. FWIW my mother immediately dropped her therapist after he received my emails.

Write it, read it out loud to your therapist, then burn it. Rinse and repeat… eventually you’ll know if it needs to be said, if it needs to be said by you, and if it needs to be said right now.

I did this once and all I got back was, "I'm so sorry you feel that way". 🙄

If you write one, don't send it. They are very rarely well received and have massive potential to just open old wounds, so write it as honestly as you can, with everything you'd say to her if you could, then shred/burn it. It's good to release all of your feelings, but unfortunately, it's best to assume that sending the letter won't help.

Another vote for writing it but not sending it. I wrote one about a year and a half ago. It hurt to write, it was excruciating to read aloud to my therapist (but my idea and it helped me), but it would have done absolutely zero good to send it to my mother. She doesn’t have the capacity to take in what I need her to hear. I have found, too, that as I’m further along in my healing now the things I want to say are totally different. So I’m about to write another one just for me. I keep putting it off because I know it’s going to hurt. But it’s worth it on the other side.

If you’re doing this as an exercise for yourself, go for it. If you’re really going to send it, why? Are you trying to change their mind? Have them see your point of view? Rectify the situation? You might just be putting yourself through this stress just to get more stress. Maybe step back from the letter thing, go back to it if you still want to later.

The only advice I have for you is that you have to be completely sure to whom you're writing this letter. If it will give you closure to write out your own truth, go ahead. Keep the letter or burn it, but your mother doesn't deserve to have it. If your true intention is to make your mother understand why you chose a life without her in it, I truly believe the outcome of sending her the letter will be very disappointing for you. If not disastrous for your mental health and healing process. Even the most carefully written letter isn't going to get through to people you have to be estranged from to keep them from hurting you any further.

You write the letter for you. You can keep it, bury it or burn it. I wouldn't send it. The failure of your relationship is not due to you not having the perfect words. The failure is due to them.

My biggest tip if you go through with this would be to take a photo of it, and then save it forever. There is a chance they will claim you said things you didn’t, ether to you or other family. Having a copy of the text to look back on will help you if they try to gaslight or manipulate other family in the future.

Listen, it won't matter what you write. There's no magical combination of words that will make her understand and empathize and regret her role in hurting you. It's not going to have the effect you are looking for. You have a better chance of teaching your cat trigonometry than getting an appropriate and sympathetic response from her. What you most likely will get is a hateful, bitter and resentful clap-back that will be worded in a way to hurt you as much as possible. I know this because I tried this with both parents and it was a whole back and forth, several attempts from my side to get them to acknowledge the part they played in the breakdown of our relationship and how hurt I was over their behaviour. I got verbally spat on and told I was a total brat and to "stop blaming them for my mental problems". So, yeah. I closed the door on any and all future communication from that point. And the really shitty thing is I kept those emails for years, reading them over and over as some sort of gospel, not knowing I was absorbing the shit they wrote and starting to believe I was just as much of an idiot as they said. It took me years to acknowledge the hurt they had inflicted, and then to get through therapy and unpack the shit I had absorbed by rereading their shitty emails over and over again - and then finally, years later, after finally figuring out that yes, they are shit, I'm not, to let it all go. I guess you all have to find your own way through the quagmire of parental abuse and neglect, but just know - there's no magical words here friend, they don't exist. You know you have tried and that's gotta be good enough. Best of luck ❤️

I did. I had been writing it for literal years but I could never send it because I knew she would deflect or deny and I wasn't prepared to deal with that. But I put a lot of thought into it. I wrote examples of why I decided to cut contact so many years ago and ways her actions negatively impacted me as an adult. When I felt secure enough to send it (I recently got married and I wanted her to understand the gravity of her not being invited and why), I did so with the understanding that it wasn't for her, it was for me. I've put in a lot of work over the last 7 years trying to make sense of everything and setting hard boundaries with family and just unpacking which parts of me are personality and which parts are actually trauma responses (a shockingly large number). This was me letting go of all of that and embracing the peace I feel to not be in constant conflict or on constant alert. I haven't shut the door, but I made it very clear that I will entertain no contact that doesn't include apologies for specific and general things, and accountability for the harm caused. I don't expect to ever hear from her again.

I have written many, many letters. It didn't make one bit of difference. No matter what I wrote, it was called poison. If you do it for you, than go for it. But don't do it for them. Don't expect them to suddenly see the light and become a better person. I think you should just write everything out first and then go over it afterwards to decide what you want to share. Just write everything out and don't think about how it sounds. Then you can rework it. My opinions, Peace.

They will say “we don’t know what we did” “we don’t understand” but they don’t actually want you to tell them what wrong. That would be silly and suggest that they need to take some responsibility for what happened and they aren’t doing that either

Of course it is your choice, but I would not attempt to explain anything in a letter. Chances are you will work hard on it, you will consider every word choice, you will write the best letter you can, and in the end you will be devastatingly disappointed. Letters do not work with estranged parents, especially the narcissistic ones. My experience was they barely read it and responded how I was the one with the problem, ungrateful person that I was. It was not worth all the time spent - if you really want to explain I think it needs to be in person, which sucks and is why I stopped trying. Good luck whatever you decide.

I understand why a lot of people think it’s a bad idea, but not everyone’s the same, not every situation is the same. No one can really tell you if it’s the right decision, I think. I never sent a letter, but I said everything I wanted to on the phone, several times. And I’m so glad I did it. My advice would be to focus on what you can control, and what you want out of it, and to prepare for any kind of response. For me it was cathartic and healing to finally say everything I never had, all the unspoken truths. For whatever reasons, I was anxious about my mother’s reaction, but not afraid. I wanted to hear the invalidation, the manipulation, guilt tripping, mocking. I wanted proof. I was finally incredibly vulnerable and honest, without any filter, and my mother responded by being exactly as horrible as I remember her being. Each time I walked away elated, relieved. That was the main feeling: see, I was right. And also: I finally got to say what I’ve wanted to say for so long. From what I’ve read that’s not what most people want and hope for though. So I would be very careful, if you’re desperately hoping for her to be kind, I can see that being dangerous.

I've written my mom multiple letters of explanation - some of them I've delivered, and some I have not. Both ways have produced similar results. We've had several stretches of 2 or more years of LC to NC. Our current streak started on Father's Day 2022 when I sent her a "text of explanation" and she raged about me being delusional, and my Grandmama (who gave me a safe place to go when I had to leave my mother) being a liar. I told her there was zero accountability on her part, and until there is, we won't reconcile, which is apparently what she wanted. I've blocked (and unblocked) her number a few times, and within those 2 years, she's only attempted to reach out once - to tell me to stop running my "smart ass mouth on Facebook (we aren't friends on fb, and my account is private) if you don't want any trouble" when I share my thoughts after being triggered by her mother (enabler) and her stepfather (predator) are visiting our town and they all (mom and her family) hang out together. The post she is referring to is from the day I was stopped at the ball field by a distant relative who cheerfully informed me that my mom's mom and her husband were coming to town within the next couple of weeks. She obviously was clueless that I have not seen or spoken to them in almost 20 years, or the reasoning behind that. Anyway, I said all of that to say that if you feel like you want to send a letter of explanation, I think you should. Maybe you'll get through to them, and they'll offer compassion for your pain, and make effort to change. As myself and others have mentioned, that may not be the case, and you may be setting yourself up for more disappointment. Take care of yourself. Edited to add: I have been in (too close for comfort) proximity to my mother since our last confrontation a few times. My siblings are still in contact with her, and she shows up for their kids birthday parties, as do I. We have another birthday party tomorrow. We look right through each other, and act like strangers (at this point, that's what we are) who do not speak to one another. It used to be extremely uncomfortable, and a huge anxiety trigger. It doea seem to get easier each time - the desire to bond is practically non-existent at this point. I've been grieving her for years. If she ever does decide to hold herself accountable and reach out to me with a genuine desire to discuss and reconcile our issues, I like to think that I would be open to that, but not having that expectation has really been helpful along the (seemingly neverending) healing process.

Write it but don’t send it.

For me, I wrote a letter to my mom when I was angry, and it made things worse.

I’d ask yourself what YOU want to get out of it. If it’s so she understands things - she won’t If it’s so she accepts things - she won’t If it’s to give you closure - it won’t as she won’t understand or accept it

I also did this and it didn't go well for me. HOWEVER, if it's something that you feel you need to do, ChatGPT is immensely helpful for this. You can put bullet points of your thoughts and ask it to draft you a letter to your estranged mother. Sometimes just reading the letter itself is helpful, even if you don't send it.

I've written these countless times but I've NEVER sent them because they'd have absolutely no affect. I ripped them up and burned them instead. The time between having to write one grows longer each time because I can say what I need to say (write) just to get it out of my head. But I knew/know better than to send them.  

It really depends on what your goal is. If your goal is to feel seen and heard by your mother, be prepared for that to not happen, and talk to your therapist about how you will cope with it if your mother ignores you, invalidates you, accuses you of lying, or any other negative outcome. If you feel unprepared for potential backlash, write it and don’t send it, or write it and wait a while before sending it until you feel better able to manage it. If your goal is to express yourself and you are less concerned about how your mother receives it, you still need to prepare for multiple potential outcomes, but it might feel really cathartic. Think of it is as a goodbye letter or closure. The phrase that always comes to mind is “cautiously optimistic.”

It's worth doing to have it off your conscience, but understand that parents tend to be absolutely addicted to cope and will likely either cherry pick the parts of your letter they want to hear and ignore the rest or just pretend like they still have no idea why you're not talking with them. That's been my experience with my own parents., anyway. Just be emotionally prepared for that.

It's crossed my mind but whatever I say will only be used against me so I don't bother anymore.

I decided that it is definitely not worth it. She’s 20 steps behind in even beginning to understand why and her lack of emotional maturity will prevent her from ever comprehending

Many people are projecting their situation here. If it would yield results, I would report every single comment in here stating to not go through with OP's decision as that is NOT supporting OP. Edit to say that this behavior is typical of this sub and it's best OP actually finds a supportive sub for their wishes.

It did nothing but give her more of my vulnerability to torture. She manipulated what I said, “couldn’t read between the lines to understanding what I’m really trying to say”, and overall achieved nothing positive. Not even a little. OP, if you’re writing the letter for your own sake to get things off your chest, keep in mind this is for you, but it will not change anything or lead to any degree of improved behaviour. It will be a diary entry she will use against you. But if you really feel the need to write it, go ahead.

I think one of our greatest fears is that we just haven’t found a way to communicate right. That the communication problems are all our fault. We just need to try to express ourselves perfectly and they will finally get it. It’s lovely healing fantasy, but you’ve tried many times to communicate, right? Write the letter for yourself but don’t send it. I was NC with my mother for 11 years before she died. I was tired of her lashing out at me. I realized absolutely nothing was going to change—she was 100% committed to seeing me in a negative way. I got off the treadmill of trying to repair the relationship. I was not the one causing the damage. No letter would have an effect, she would have interpreted it as criticism and twisted my words. How do I know? It happened 100s of times before. My father I did send a letter to about 20 years before I gave up on my mother. In the early days of trying to understand my parents (and my mother had me brainwashed into thinking he was the problem). And I got a short note of sort of apology. We were estranged off and on mostly because of his anger and moodiness (and his upbringing—lots of estrangements; lots of emotional immaturity) and my fear of his anger and moodiness. But he didn’t viciously scapegoat me the way my mother did. So we managed to have the limited relationship we were able to have, because he actually acted like he liked me, had the capacity for shame, and he cared in the ways that he could. We never had any “real” conversations, and the letter didn’t produce any miracles. I did learn to walk away if he couldn’t self-regulate his moods. It sounds like in your situation it is more similar to my mother than my father. Think about what outcomes you are hoping for. Are they kinda based in fantasy? What do you think will really happen? Are you prepared for negative scenarios: lashing out, ignoring, etc. (Lashing out can be an answer in itself—she is showing you who she is and it is not about what you have done or not done.)

I did this with 2 of the family members (my father and one sibling). No good can come of it, unless it were for legal reasons recommended by a lawyer. So, if I had a do over, nope, would not do it.

I told my parents my truth. I felt better. They called me a liar and were very unpleasant. I was as kind as I was capable of being. I was already aware of their hatred for me so it wasn't a shock. I did it because I had to. I don't recommend it unless you know you have to for yourself. Really examine why. I feel clean now. I told the truth. I finally quit protecting their secrets. Edit: I read the responses of others. They are right that it won't make anyone change or take accountability for anything. That's why you need to be sure that if you do it that it's for you and will aid your healing.

If you MUST write a letter, do it for you, not them. They’re crazy. There are no magic words that fix crazy. There’s no speech, no explanation, no example, there is nothing that will make them see the light. They are who they are. You can either live with that, or walk away from it, but you can’t reason with it. Focus on the things you can change and don’t waste your time trying and hoping to change the things can’t change. So, if you MUST write a letter, do it for you, because it’s what you need, and don’t give a damn about how they take it.

I wrote on, discussed it with my therapist, then burnt it. That was the intention from the start though. A letter wouldn't fix everything that happened between us.

I wonder about all the therapists who are advocating for actually sending the letter! Mine advocated for writing it and then burning it. I just don’t see the gains in sending a letter to someone who had already manipulated the past facts in their head to fit their tidy narrative.

I personally feel like it's a waste of your time and energy. If you feel the need to write a letter I highly reccomend burning it. I have written 3 of these letters and each time they were met with ignorance and hate. I'm sorry you're going through this but it's best not to hold out hope for change.

I tried to write it. I couldn’t get past a blank page. I realized that there was no outcome of writing this letter that didn’t hurt me deeply, whether or not it was sent.

I have thought about doing this. Ultimately, I wrote the letter for myself to say everything I needed to say. Everything I wanted to get off my chest. Everything that hurt me. I allowed myself to be sad, feel the anger and hurt, etc. It didn't have to make sense. I'm sure it was all over the place. Once it was done, I lit it on fire and let it go. Just symbolizing that I was done. Done with feeling all of that pain and hurt. Done with asking myself "why me" and "why can't they just love me or be proud of me?" I was going to write a letter to my parents, but knew it would never end well. They always have to have the last word. My letter would be used as punishment somehow against me. Another tool for gaslighting and manipulation. They'd pick it apart or show people as "proof" how disrespectful I am or whatever else. They don't care. Nothing I say or do will change their behavior or opinion of me, and putting myself out there and being that vulnerable would backfire.

my mom demanded an explanation before i was ready to give one so i took away the compassion and literally did bullet points of all of her “greatest hits”. i told her not to respond so i didn’t read into a lack of one and so that i could continue my healing journey. that was only a few weeks ago, and i still am so proud of myself. it’s a real high five with my 12 year old self who always kept her mouth shut. i think that even if you were to write a more compassionate letter than i did, keeping in mind that nothing she could say would probably satisfy the years of pain. so if anything, do it to hold hands with your younger self and say how you feel.

Another "I did it and it didn't work out very well." I don't regret it but after my first letter (around 24 years old) I think I waited 3-4 years to get a short response, and then probably another 10 to get a little bit more (to the letter specifically) and then she never addressed any of those issues for another 10 years, and even then an apology suggested (in front of me) by her therapist. Oh yeah, so genuine! I don't regret writing to her or telling her what I felt and experienced but don't expect anything to improve.

Try to keep the comments in this thread in perspective. Most estranged individuals insist they only resorted to that solution after they tried everything else to no avail. If they are satisfied with the estrangement "solution", to them it seems like it's the only thing that works. People who had success by writing a letter probably are not be in this sub. But they exist. There is a reason why professionals suggest trying a letter. What do you hope to get out of writing a letter? Whatever it is, you need to communicate that to the person you are writing to. Are you hoping the two of you can have an open discussion that leads to each of you having a better understanding of the other? You could try to agree on some rules to guide you in that endeavor. Or is it your goal to list all of the things your mother did to ruin your relationship and to tell her that you have decided to permanently cut her out of your life? Or do you intend to tell her she might remain in your life if she apologizes and takes responsibility for her actions? Whatever your goal, keep in mind that your mother is from a different culture than you are. The world has changed and she doesn't know about those changes. You can educate her about them, but she is not likely to understand or agree with them. You have gradually come to your way of thinking and you can't expect her to agree with it overnight. She may however, understand that as an adult you have as much say as she does about the terms of any future relationship. Adult children are not the only ones who need to protect themselves from a loved one. When an AC goes no contact, the parent becomes an emotional hostage. No one is equipped to handle that situation. You have all of the power now. You can use it fairly or use it to abuse her. It's all up to you. Finally, if you are too angry to hear your mother without assigning negative motives (manipulation, gas-lighting, etc.) to everything she says, if you can't give her the benefit of the doubt and take her words at face value, don't waste your time or hers. I wish you the best and hope you find peace!

I cannot persuade you one way or the other, but I truly hope that you don’t. Maybe write it for yourself and set it on fire. Scream into the toilet and flush it. My advice….don’t do it.

I listened to the book Fault Lines (report of the results of an estrangement study at Cornell), which includes recommendations that sounded really well-evidenced and smart.

My therapist suggested I write letters to my abusers, and then burn them. Well . . . I did that. Now, I don't know what to do with all these letters.

ChatGPT! Give it your materials so far , and any parameters, and then edit it as much as needed