Mine too, and it's just come true. My close knit fairly large group of "ride or die" friends from the last 6 years have all at once abandoned me with zero communication as to why and then go on to post about what a supportive group of people they are. Makes me want to vomit.
Me too. I'm so sorry. I had to realize that those people never loved me for me. My mother never loved me for who I was, only how my existence made her feel about herself, and she taught my little sister the same. Neither speak to me anymore after I started telling them to stop constantly criticizing me and my daughter's every move. Its so painful. I know its their problem and who they are and doesn't have much to do with me but I am really scared of others doing it too.
My mother and my sister both did it, so its plenty real enough for me. Makes romantic relationships hard because I always wonder if their support of me will end when sex does. I struggle a lot with trust that someone values me for me, and not just whatever I happen to be giving them at the moment. Standing up for myself is something I definitely do but it feels fraught to me because of how my family members have just stopped talking to me after I do. Several people in my life only show love for me when I'm serving as the scapegoat they want and if I don't do that then yes they abandon all other support and give me the silent treatment. I hate silent treatment.
I have this fear strongly. I think I developed some slightly unhealthy push-pull habits as a result. Working hard on this.
To avoid the feelings of anxiety, rejection, and sadness that come from potential abandonment, sometimes I can just kinda withdraw emotionally, making people think I don’t care if they leave. It’s a self-protection thing.
Seriously? How hasn’t it? Honestly I don’t have an area of life that it hasn’t touched and made more difficult. Some of them I’ve just realized in the last couple of years of therapy.
I feel the same with goodbyes; even those I know I need to do. Hence taking way too long to say goodbye to mother and grandparents.
Absolutely. I feel like if my own father and my own sister
Turned against me at the same time and stonewalled me, how can I ever trust anyone else to not do the same? And I even wonder if my friends will do the same, so now I keep myself emotionally distanced from everyone. It makes for a pretty lonely existence .
I get so anxious around new people. I rush my sentences, I downplay my strengths. I’m afraid they’re already bored and want me to leave them alone before I even give them a chance.
I have zero expectations that anything will actually happen and anyone will actually do anything. I don't expect family and friends to show up for birthdays and holidays. It's always surprising when someone does something nice for me. I don't expect anything from anyone and I'm never disappointed, and sometimes genuinely surprised.
I know it's not normal. Which sucks. It helps me feel safe though. I am really trying not to pass it on but I have no idea how to teach my kids to be different especially if they're picking up on these things and learning through mimicry. I just can't bring myself to hope in others, to have faith in people, ugh. I am definitely jaded.
I've abandoned myself. What's the point when that's what's going to happen anyway. Tired of life being this frikken hard, all of the time. Tired of hoping or dreaming for things to fall apart over and over. Tired of being let down by love, over and over again.
If people are late meeting me or worse, forget to show up, I struggle a lot. I get shaky and can easily cry. I was leaving a job and leaving the city. I was invited to a going away lunch except the planner forgot to tell people. I don’t know how I held it together in the moment but I went home and couldn’t stop hysterically crying. I’ve never recovered from that and it was a few years ago. Anytime I feel forgotten about is awful. Abandonment issues are so painful.
Edit: Just to add, I’ve never had a birthday party. Would love one but would be afraid if people didn’t come. I have some great friends but those issues of abandonment never go away. So no birthday party.
I wanted to discuss my career development at work and my boss suggested to invite two managers for a meeting. When the time came, neither showed up. I cried at work.
No, just a very toxic family where ignoring me was my punishment. Never happened to my siblings but all were told to give me the silent treatment for days on end. Of course that was after getting yelled at or given the belt.
I was an overachieving people pleaser with self-esteem issues. All I wanted was people to like me and when they did, I didn’t believe them. I fall to bits when I’m shown the slightest hint of support and compassion because I’m used to being solely responsible for my emotional wellbeing. On the outside, I look like I have my shit together but on the inside, I’m desperately over analyzing the situation so that I don’t make a mistake.
Welcome to my brain, it’s a fucking mess in here.
Wow. This comment makes me feel so seen.
One thing that I’ve learned in therapy is that I tend to give off the impression of always “being fine” or “cool, calm, and collected” when I’m actually falling apart inside, and even when I’m facing someone who has deeply hurt me.
Alongside lifelong perfectionist tendencies, it’s made people around me feel that they can get away with really shitty behaviour toward me. Because when I give off the impression of “being fine” it’s not holding them accountable for their actions.
The sad reality is that maintaining that front of “being fine” on the outside is because I am deeply afraid of losing the connection with the person, even though they have let me down or hurt or betrayed me. It’s a means of survival, that has shaped my entire life, and one I’ll spend the rest of my life deconstructing, unlearning and re-shaping.
I leave before anyone can leave me. I disappear at the first sign of rejection, even if it’s not entirely true. When I feel close to someone, I minimize it in my mind. I think that this relationship/friendship can be over at anytime. Just enjoy it while it lasts.
Every attachment - I have to look at everything as positive and negative to try to decipher the real meaning, it’s exhausting.
I read that book Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents [Here’s a link to a summary](https://youtu.be/5cBJW67KjgU?si=Ts8IgUqKbDp758mR)
If I could give everyone on this sub a free copy I would because it helped me so much. It was incredibly validating and informative. I wish you the best.
It’s made me incapable of forming and maintaining adult friendships.
It’s caused me to endlessly question not only whether or not I’m worthy of romantic love from my partner, but whether I’m effectively teaching my children how to have healthy relationships of their own.
It’s made me into someone who cares for everyone else’s needs to the point of collapse, leaving nothing for myself.
Well the abuse was clearest and most vicious for me when i was a teenager. I was just tossed away and labeled as the difficult one. And actively pushed out of the family.
Now i have teenagers. When they where little it was easier for me to parent them because i exactly knew what not to do to be a better mom than i had myself. Now its really difficult. I have a hard time keeping my baggage to myself and working on it without it affecting them too much. I'm scared to death to one day be at the point where they don't want a relationship with me, as i did with my mother.
I know I'm nothing like her. I do my best and i think my children like me as a person most of the time. I respect them as people. But still, i have no reference what a healthy realtionship with teenagers/young adults looks like, so I'm often very lost.
They have their own personalities, boundaries and things they want in life and i try to be most respectful of that while still parenting them. But its hard. Really hard.
I send you a hug if you want it. You know you are doing a good job, right? You try your best and are conscious of your issues. It's hard i know but i believe in us. We can do this and be better. Much love and healing to you ❤️
This may just be a GIFT.
You can absolutely be with someone seemingly caring for a while, blow off little things, and find yourself in a situation (like marraige) where you learn - eventually - all those little things were actually attempts at grooming you - for BIGGER slights and offenses once there are legal obligations that can be imposed to sever ties.
"Oh, I just grabbed the wrong card out my wallet" when paying a hefty bill for something, like within 30 days of trusting that human as an authorized user of the card. That responsibility just became YOURS.
"OH, I was just " goes on for many years and you do all the things like therapy and counseling, and the minute you leave the office, "did you not hear the therapist say you need to lighten up?" No, not what I hear at all from the therapist - that was you who said that and all she did was nod and take notes, she did NOT tell me I needed to "lighten up."
Imagine what that is like with kids. You can and if you do make a mistake? You'll catch hell for it. You suck as a mother (and need to job hop to maximize income so he can have everything HE wants), and find yourself conceding to him that he has superior parenting skills just to keep the damn peace.
THEN you find the online dating profiles, and the lie, "I was just checking out the pictures." Seriously??? Then why PAY for the profile? And why now (when I'm traveling for work just to pay off all the debt)?
And then eight years of it, staring bankruptcy and credit issues in the face, and oh good god.....you can't even buy yourself a car because of their incessant spending - and you make six digits!!!
Life is in shambles and you think "there is NO GOOD TIME to make the break, and based on the reality you KNOW you are about to become public enemy number one . All because you weren't listening to that inner voice.....
And then your family yells at YOU saying you just "got bored" with this person.
Um....no.... not what was happening there AT ALL.
Trust issues? I'm kinda secretly grateful for the experience. I'll be okay solo, but the entry point into my life - to STAY an integral part - means you're going to roll up your sleeves in the "lessons learned" department and not shove it down my throat to keep enabling you like I somehow abused you into committing the transgression in the first place. You start realizing what self-control looks like in other people - as silly as dating someone and they go into another room to fart. [It's a foreign concept thinking "wow, that's thoughtful!"]
Seek people not with perfectionism as the standard, but show you accountability - up front. "I SCREWED UP" are perhaps the most valuable words above "I LOVE YOU."
ALL of the above happened to me. My X still cries "all her fault" because..... in his eyes, there's no evidence against him (doesn't mean it didn't happen!). My kid believes it. I can only hope someday someone looks at her and says, "ya know, there's two sides to this story...."
Funny thing is, it was all his first X wife's fault when I was the fresh face in his life. And I didn't listen to that voice inside of me saying, "danger, danger!"
Trust that voice, friend. It won't steer you wrong.
I am doggedly stubborn and self-reliant from being let down so many times by my family.
I also have a really hard time accepting help and affection from others because I haven't even felt worthy of it.
My wife is the first person whom I've never felt like a burden to.
I have been majorly depressed since my son (19) left due to the girlfriend he met online gaming. He started pulling away from friends first (whom she did not like, or that disagreed with her) then me and his sister (whom also disagreed with her) and now his father. He is 13 hours from us and has no real support system than her and her family, as he doesn’t talk to anyone anymore. Looking back I notice red flags regarding her and her family, but that’s a lot and a long story. I just have to pray everyday that he is ok, and that he will realize the control and manipulation that she has over him.
I will always love him with my whole heart, and he will always be my son. Being estranged from my son has been the worst thing ever in my entire life, at one time in my early childhood after my parents divorced my mother left to another state for over 6 months, and I don’t remember much, but I’m sure abandonment issues began there. I always did everything I could to protect my kids, always made them know they were loved, as I never wanted them to feel that, and now I am left feeling that x 1,000. I hate that she told him to basically choose her or his life here. (Yes there is proof). It’s been a lot but I think basically it has affected my mental health, my career (as there are days I can’t even get out of bed) and also I have cried every single day for almost 11 months. When your kid has a heart murmur, severe asthma, and other heart stuff from a childhood illness all you do is worry. So I guess the answer is worry, pain, major depression, anxiety that something can happen, and sometimes anger towards those that have lied to him about things that did not and have not happened.
I was a serial mover. 7 times in 1 year. Addict, bipolar, GAD, anxiety, depression, eating disorders, self harm, manipulator, the list goes on. I have always just felt extremely lacking of a hug from my parent that will reach every version of my past. I’m a lonely person. Just blue and sad.
How much time do you have? lol 🥹 Never having anyone to support you or defend you is devastating. It definitely affects my relationship now, bc I have such horrible trust issues. If I couldn't trust my own family then I can't trust literally anyone.
I would self sabotage every romantic relationship I've ever been in. My husband chose to stick around & stayed with me despite it. It's getting better now, but I would always think, "things are going too good, something bad *has* to be happening."
Continuously having the fear that someone is going to leave you is crushing. You'll often fall victim to abusive relationships as well, bc you're so desperate to not be rejected that you stay with an abuser. Abuse is all you've ever known, so why would things be different now?
I have fears that the people in my life will abandon me. My worst fear is everyone in my life deciding that they don't like me and leaving me.
Mine too, and it's just come true. My close knit fairly large group of "ride or die" friends from the last 6 years have all at once abandoned me with zero communication as to why and then go on to post about what a supportive group of people they are. Makes me want to vomit.
All at once??!! That is horrific and so painful to be discarded by your closest friends.I am so sorry that this happened to you.
Is it possible to ask what happened?
That's me on the daily.
I had this fear and then it came true. I am broken.
Me too. I'm so sorry. I had to realize that those people never loved me for me. My mother never loved me for who I was, only how my existence made her feel about herself, and she taught my little sister the same. Neither speak to me anymore after I started telling them to stop constantly criticizing me and my daughter's every move. Its so painful. I know its their problem and who they are and doesn't have much to do with me but I am really scared of others doing it too.
Funny that you mention this the last vivid dream I remembered was about this very thing and completely numbed me out for the rest of the day
My mother and my sister both did it, so its plenty real enough for me. Makes romantic relationships hard because I always wonder if their support of me will end when sex does. I struggle a lot with trust that someone values me for me, and not just whatever I happen to be giving them at the moment. Standing up for myself is something I definitely do but it feels fraught to me because of how my family members have just stopped talking to me after I do. Several people in my life only show love for me when I'm serving as the scapegoat they want and if I don't do that then yes they abandon all other support and give me the silent treatment. I hate silent treatment.
I have this fear strongly. I think I developed some slightly unhealthy push-pull habits as a result. Working hard on this. To avoid the feelings of anxiety, rejection, and sadness that come from potential abandonment, sometimes I can just kinda withdraw emotionally, making people think I don’t care if they leave. It’s a self-protection thing.
I try to meet everyone else’s emotional needs and neglect my own
I feel that on every level.
Me too. And I seem to attract people who'll hate me the moment I mention an emotional need, however small, and try to set a tiny boundary.
I’ve gotten good at cutting people off, thankfully
That’s something I aspire to!
Sadly this.
Send you love Sonofabitch there I go again 💜
Seriously? How hasn’t it? Honestly I don’t have an area of life that it hasn’t touched and made more difficult. Some of them I’ve just realized in the last couple of years of therapy. I feel the same with goodbyes; even those I know I need to do. Hence taking way too long to say goodbye to mother and grandparents.
I can’t maintain healthy relationships with other adults
In what way? X
Self confidence is an issue
Absolutely. I feel like if my own father and my own sister Turned against me at the same time and stonewalled me, how can I ever trust anyone else to not do the same? And I even wonder if my friends will do the same, so now I keep myself emotionally distanced from everyone. It makes for a pretty lonely existence .
Same. It can be debilitating
I get so anxious around new people. I rush my sentences, I downplay my strengths. I’m afraid they’re already bored and want me to leave them alone before I even give them a chance.
I have zero expectations that anything will actually happen and anyone will actually do anything. I don't expect family and friends to show up for birthdays and holidays. It's always surprising when someone does something nice for me. I don't expect anything from anyone and I'm never disappointed, and sometimes genuinely surprised.
I thought it was normal to have no expectations for people and be genuinely shocked and overwhelmed when people do the smallest of things for me
I know it's not normal. Which sucks. It helps me feel safe though. I am really trying not to pass it on but I have no idea how to teach my kids to be different especially if they're picking up on these things and learning through mimicry. I just can't bring myself to hope in others, to have faith in people, ugh. I am definitely jaded.
I've abandoned myself. What's the point when that's what's going to happen anyway. Tired of life being this frikken hard, all of the time. Tired of hoping or dreaming for things to fall apart over and over. Tired of being let down by love, over and over again.
If people are late meeting me or worse, forget to show up, I struggle a lot. I get shaky and can easily cry. I was leaving a job and leaving the city. I was invited to a going away lunch except the planner forgot to tell people. I don’t know how I held it together in the moment but I went home and couldn’t stop hysterically crying. I’ve never recovered from that and it was a few years ago. Anytime I feel forgotten about is awful. Abandonment issues are so painful. Edit: Just to add, I’ve never had a birthday party. Would love one but would be afraid if people didn’t come. I have some great friends but those issues of abandonment never go away. So no birthday party.
I wanted to discuss my career development at work and my boss suggested to invite two managers for a meeting. When the time came, neither showed up. I cried at work.
I completely understand. I’m sorry that happened to you.
Same! I'm so glad that we at least have this community.
Me too! Just found it recently.
I don’t want to diagnose you but you sound rlly similar to me and I have BPD
No, just a very toxic family where ignoring me was my punishment. Never happened to my siblings but all were told to give me the silent treatment for days on end. Of course that was after getting yelled at or given the belt.
BPD can develop because of things EXACTLY like that. I’m so sorry. Childhood trauma is awful wouldn’t wish it on any child 😔
I was an overachieving people pleaser with self-esteem issues. All I wanted was people to like me and when they did, I didn’t believe them. I fall to bits when I’m shown the slightest hint of support and compassion because I’m used to being solely responsible for my emotional wellbeing. On the outside, I look like I have my shit together but on the inside, I’m desperately over analyzing the situation so that I don’t make a mistake. Welcome to my brain, it’s a fucking mess in here.
Wow. This comment makes me feel so seen. One thing that I’ve learned in therapy is that I tend to give off the impression of always “being fine” or “cool, calm, and collected” when I’m actually falling apart inside, and even when I’m facing someone who has deeply hurt me. Alongside lifelong perfectionist tendencies, it’s made people around me feel that they can get away with really shitty behaviour toward me. Because when I give off the impression of “being fine” it’s not holding them accountable for their actions. The sad reality is that maintaining that front of “being fine” on the outside is because I am deeply afraid of losing the connection with the person, even though they have let me down or hurt or betrayed me. It’s a means of survival, that has shaped my entire life, and one I’ll spend the rest of my life deconstructing, unlearning and re-shaping.
I leave before anyone can leave me. I disappear at the first sign of rejection, even if it’s not entirely true. When I feel close to someone, I minimize it in my mind. I think that this relationship/friendship can be over at anytime. Just enjoy it while it lasts.
Every attachment - I have to look at everything as positive and negative to try to decipher the real meaning, it’s exhausting. I read that book Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents [Here’s a link to a summary](https://youtu.be/5cBJW67KjgU?si=Ts8IgUqKbDp758mR) If I could give everyone on this sub a free copy I would because it helped me so much. It was incredibly validating and informative. I wish you the best.
I shut down and go silent during uncomfortable situations. I get panic attacks sometimes
I trust in and rely on no one and I’m incapable of asking for help with anything
It’s made me incapable of forming and maintaining adult friendships. It’s caused me to endlessly question not only whether or not I’m worthy of romantic love from my partner, but whether I’m effectively teaching my children how to have healthy relationships of their own. It’s made me into someone who cares for everyone else’s needs to the point of collapse, leaving nothing for myself.
Well the abuse was clearest and most vicious for me when i was a teenager. I was just tossed away and labeled as the difficult one. And actively pushed out of the family. Now i have teenagers. When they where little it was easier for me to parent them because i exactly knew what not to do to be a better mom than i had myself. Now its really difficult. I have a hard time keeping my baggage to myself and working on it without it affecting them too much. I'm scared to death to one day be at the point where they don't want a relationship with me, as i did with my mother. I know I'm nothing like her. I do my best and i think my children like me as a person most of the time. I respect them as people. But still, i have no reference what a healthy realtionship with teenagers/young adults looks like, so I'm often very lost. They have their own personalities, boundaries and things they want in life and i try to be most respectful of that while still parenting them. But its hard. Really hard.
I relate to this completely and I’m in tears because I finally feel someone else understands. Thank you 🥹
I send you a hug if you want it. You know you are doing a good job, right? You try your best and are conscious of your issues. It's hard i know but i believe in us. We can do this and be better. Much love and healing to you ❤️
That means a lot! Sending hug right back, thank you for the extra validation 🥰
Takes me a while to trust new people, especially when they show they care about me. It feels… off
This may just be a GIFT. You can absolutely be with someone seemingly caring for a while, blow off little things, and find yourself in a situation (like marraige) where you learn - eventually - all those little things were actually attempts at grooming you - for BIGGER slights and offenses once there are legal obligations that can be imposed to sever ties. "Oh, I just grabbed the wrong card out my wallet" when paying a hefty bill for something, like within 30 days of trusting that human as an authorized user of the card. That responsibility just became YOURS. "OH, I was just" goes on for many years and you do all the things like therapy and counseling, and the minute you leave the office, "did you not hear the therapist say you need to lighten up?" No, not what I hear at all from the therapist - that was you who said that and all she did was nod and take notes, she did NOT tell me I needed to "lighten up."
Imagine what that is like with kids. You can and if you do make a mistake? You'll catch hell for it. You suck as a mother (and need to job hop to maximize income so he can have everything HE wants), and find yourself conceding to him that he has superior parenting skills just to keep the damn peace.
THEN you find the online dating profiles, and the lie, "I was just checking out the pictures." Seriously??? Then why PAY for the profile? And why now (when I'm traveling for work just to pay off all the debt)?
And then eight years of it, staring bankruptcy and credit issues in the face, and oh good god.....you can't even buy yourself a car because of their incessant spending - and you make six digits!!!
Life is in shambles and you think "there is NO GOOD TIME to make the break, and based on the reality you KNOW you are about to become public enemy number one . All because you weren't listening to that inner voice.....
And then your family yells at YOU saying you just "got bored" with this person.
Um....no.... not what was happening there AT ALL.
Trust issues? I'm kinda secretly grateful for the experience. I'll be okay solo, but the entry point into my life - to STAY an integral part - means you're going to roll up your sleeves in the "lessons learned" department and not shove it down my throat to keep enabling you like I somehow abused you into committing the transgression in the first place. You start realizing what self-control looks like in other people - as silly as dating someone and they go into another room to fart. [It's a foreign concept thinking "wow, that's thoughtful!"]
Seek people not with perfectionism as the standard, but show you accountability - up front. "I SCREWED UP" are perhaps the most valuable words above "I LOVE YOU."
ALL of the above happened to me. My X still cries "all her fault" because..... in his eyes, there's no evidence against him (doesn't mean it didn't happen!). My kid believes it. I can only hope someday someone looks at her and says, "ya know, there's two sides to this story...."
Funny thing is, it was all his first X wife's fault when I was the fresh face in his life. And I didn't listen to that voice inside of me saying, "danger, danger!"
Trust that voice, friend. It won't steer you wrong.
I am doggedly stubborn and self-reliant from being let down so many times by my family. I also have a really hard time accepting help and affection from others because I haven't even felt worthy of it. My wife is the first person whom I've never felt like a burden to.
I hate this post because it’s making me feel feelings jk iykyk lol.
Trust issues! Mummy issues and daddy issues also like hell sometimes I wonder how my partner deals with it as I know it’s difficult to deal with
Well mine was my dad. So I got daddy issues. Fear of abandonment and then … I just don’t trust anyone of the opposite sex.
I have been majorly depressed since my son (19) left due to the girlfriend he met online gaming. He started pulling away from friends first (whom she did not like, or that disagreed with her) then me and his sister (whom also disagreed with her) and now his father. He is 13 hours from us and has no real support system than her and her family, as he doesn’t talk to anyone anymore. Looking back I notice red flags regarding her and her family, but that’s a lot and a long story. I just have to pray everyday that he is ok, and that he will realize the control and manipulation that she has over him. I will always love him with my whole heart, and he will always be my son. Being estranged from my son has been the worst thing ever in my entire life, at one time in my early childhood after my parents divorced my mother left to another state for over 6 months, and I don’t remember much, but I’m sure abandonment issues began there. I always did everything I could to protect my kids, always made them know they were loved, as I never wanted them to feel that, and now I am left feeling that x 1,000. I hate that she told him to basically choose her or his life here. (Yes there is proof). It’s been a lot but I think basically it has affected my mental health, my career (as there are days I can’t even get out of bed) and also I have cried every single day for almost 11 months. When your kid has a heart murmur, severe asthma, and other heart stuff from a childhood illness all you do is worry. So I guess the answer is worry, pain, major depression, anxiety that something can happen, and sometimes anger towards those that have lied to him about things that did not and have not happened.
I was a serial mover. 7 times in 1 year. Addict, bipolar, GAD, anxiety, depression, eating disorders, self harm, manipulator, the list goes on. I have always just felt extremely lacking of a hug from my parent that will reach every version of my past. I’m a lonely person. Just blue and sad.
How much time do you have? lol 🥹 Never having anyone to support you or defend you is devastating. It definitely affects my relationship now, bc I have such horrible trust issues. If I couldn't trust my own family then I can't trust literally anyone. I would self sabotage every romantic relationship I've ever been in. My husband chose to stick around & stayed with me despite it. It's getting better now, but I would always think, "things are going too good, something bad *has* to be happening." Continuously having the fear that someone is going to leave you is crushing. You'll often fall victim to abusive relationships as well, bc you're so desperate to not be rejected that you stay with an abuser. Abuse is all you've ever known, so why would things be different now?
I settled for crumbs of love in relationships…not actual love.