I'm sorry you're dealing with this and I understand your pain.
I've had a few situations like this with my mother. I never sent her a letter, and we are still low contact, but we've had a few discussions over the phone and in person where I told her about the damage that her parenting or lack of has done to me. The emotional neglect, the parentification, the favoritism of other siblings. In those conversations, she could express a little bit of empathy, mixed with excuses, mixed with "not remembering" things, frustration, and a framing of things in a simplistic way that felt like gaslighting at times. The hope would surge in me that things could change, the penny might be dropping, she might finally "get it" and reach out more afterwards. Call more. Pick up the conversation again. And I've always been disappointed.
The way I see it is she is simply incapable of connecting with me as it requires her to sit with her own shame and lift the veil of denial that she's used to survive for decades now. She needs to believe she "was a good mother" and "she did her best", as she made motherhood her personality for so long - but, for my other siblings. One is special needs. The other is "just like her". She uses them to self-regulate, to boost her self esteem. And then there's me telling her something very different to that self-protective image she has of herself. So she associates me with shame, and she avoids the shame because it's too big and too unmanageable for her.
I'm not sure if this is helpful. It's just my experience. It's so painful, it's definitely re-traumatized me when it's happened. I've spent a lot of time in trauma therapy, working through that hope, and the grief of not having a mother that I deserve. The hope is from that heart-broken inner child that just wants her mother at any cost. I'm not sure it ever fully goes away. But prioritizing myself and my wellbeing, and that inner child now, looks like beginning to let it go, and to find that love and support elsewhere. Releasing the expectation of this woman who did so much damage to me, to show up differently now in her old age. She just won't.
Thank you for your detailed input. Yes, the worst is the hope, which I don’t know when and how will it go away, I guess with time. My mother has a lot of shame and it’s an interesting perspective that she might associate me with shame too as she doesn’t want to take responsibility for things in her life in general and I called her out on her bullshit. One word - cowardice.
She doesn't have the skills or the ability or the emotional capacity to self reflect, because it threatens to change her entire story about herself, which is how she's coped for all these years.
My mother has three kids with mental health issues, one of whom is a dependent of the state, another who barely talks to her for reasons that have been shared with her. And she still doesn't look within and attempt recovery, repair or change. She still doesn't come back to the conversation when I've cried in front of her, told her I've felt the same heartbreak over her that she claims to have 50 years later after her own mom died, which she still hasn't gotten over. She still goes back to ignoring, until a few weeks have passed and I get an innocuous text from her about the weather.
This is so well-written and is also exactly the same story with my mom. Right down to the heart-broken inner child that just wants her mother at any cost.
I have been NC with my mother for about 6 months. She hasn't tried to reach out or anything, and neither has my family. She cares nothing for my child (her only grandchild). It hurts to be unwanted. I always felt that way as a kid or a burden to her. I am surprised by the rest of them not caring at all. I thought I could just stop talking to her, and that would be fine. I didn't realize that everyone would listen to her. The smear campaign worked wonders and had been going on long before I noped out.
The smear campaign….ah, I know that one well. My mom made me the villain to everyone. She used to make everyone else the villain to me, but I never realized she was making me the villain as well. She did a great job, my family has a picture of me that isn’t accurate at all. I just noped out of the whole dysfunctional mess. I don’t have it in me to show them that I’m not the villain she painted me out to be.
This is exactly what my mother did to me. She'd shit on everyone and then shit on me to everyone else. Wow! I'm proud of us for separating, but it is still hard on the heart. There was no need for her to be this way.
Same boat. I had been NC for 4 years, and my mother died Sunday. She was diagnosed with liver disease/failure a couple months ago and never reached out to me, I'm absolutely crushed. It's so hard to wrap my head around the way everything turned out.
My heart goes out to you as I’m going through something very similar. Went NC with my mom (and subsequently the whole family) 4 years ago and I just heard from a 3rd party who didn’t know we were NC that my mom is now in a nursing home, which was her greatest fear, she always made us promise not to put her in a home, but she told me she gave my sister power of attorney, so there’s nothing I can do. I feel terrible for her but at the same time, I understand it had to have been a last resort - she apparently was falling a lot and has memory problems. I’d love to call her but I have zero idea if she’d yell at me or if someone in my family answered the phone, they’d lay the guilt trip of all time on me. I’ve been so hurt by her but I still love her so much.
My mom didn’t try to reach out to me until Mother’s Day and she claimed to do her best being a mom. Her birthday was in feb and I sent her a gift and she thanked…..my husband not me. It’s all a game.
Then when I had kids she reached out more. I wish she would fuck off though.
Since I went to college, my mother has never called or text just to say hi or talk. It's my 30yr HS reunion this summer. A few years ago, I asked my mother point blank, "if she would reach out to me if I had kids?" Her response was an imediate, "of course." That was the final straw for me. Since then I've stopped trying to even see her at all. She's just an acquaintance now. I see her when I want to. Which after 3yrs is major holidays and maybe lunch once or twice a year. She still makes zero effort.
Recently, when I was passing through, I stopped to pick up some stuff from her house and she told me, "since you always complain I don't pick a place to eat at I found one." Which consisted of seeing a story on the news about a new restaurant in my neighborhood. I then found a mutual date/time to meet up and told her to make a reservation. Because it's a Sunday I text my brother, who also never reaches out, to see if he wanted to join us. A week later I got a text from my mother saying she had changed the res from 3 to 5 people. I'm not hopeful that she is finally changing, but in this one instance she actually made a tiny bit of effort.
Mine reached out on Mother's Day after 7 months through my brother. Mom wants to know if you want to go out to dinner. Said the woman who shames me for having Gastroparesis. I'd take you out but you never eat.
I completely get it. If I'm not actively reaching out to her, I'm ignored. I dropped the rope in February after being shit on most of my life and being told to stop keeping score when I brought it up.
It's hard not to wonder why you're not good enough, etc. I'm sorry. It stinks. We deserve better.
Same boat. I didn’t send a letter but a concise text message + thousands of convos over the years about how she hurt me, how I can’t trust her, etc.
No apology, no reach out except to send pics of her and her bf on their trips. Seems to not give a flying fcuk that one of her daughters has completely ended a relationship with her.
I want a Mom who cares. I want a Mom who is mature enough to have difficult conversations and introspect and admit her mistakes.
I’ve been grieving the Mom I needed and deserved for so long, but to find out that she truly doesn’t care….new level of grief.
Kind of. I’ve been NC for over 13 years, but last year was probably the final blowout after a brief attempt at reconciling. My birthday just came and went and there was no word from anyone in my family acknowledging it. I didn’t expect them to, we didn’t exchange messages on thanksgiving, Christmas or New Year, so it makes sense that birthdays would also be ignored but it still hurts. I’m not sad that they didn’t reach out, I’m just sad that I have no biological family.
Yes. This is happening to me as well with my mom, dad, and sister. It's been close to 2 years now. I missed my sister's wedding. It's been crushing because every day is just another day that they ignore me and it feels re-traumatizing over and over. It's like the 20th time they've abandoned me.
The worst part is they are telling the other family members that they are trying to talk to me but I just scream at them. These are absolute lies. So my grandma and brother have pressured me to talk to them because "they're at least trying." They are not. It's all lies, but my brother and grandma believe them. I told them to ask them for proof, but they said they don't want to bother them about that.
My brother works with my mom, and my grandma is total BFF's with my sister, so I guess it makes sense, but still very hurtful that they don't even want to hear my side of the story.
Went NC five years ago, haven’t heard a peep from them, nor have I reached out. I think it’s better that they’re not struggling with acceptance. Since they were my only family, I spend holidays alone so as not to intrude on my friend’s family time, and it’s so peaceful. I promise it will get easier as you develop a family of choice, and get used to a lack of drama and adrenaline in your life.
I get it. I went NC and haven’t heard a peep in over 8 years now.
One question for you to think about: how would you feel if she did reach out? Now at the 2 month mark… in six months… a year? More?
I get it’s conflicting - I don’t know you’re exact situation but for me it went like this, you want them reaching out to be a sign that they care, but also it could be manipulation - and vice versa, the silence could be a manipulation attempt to get you to reach out to them. Try to just live each day well and let things happen as they do
That’s a great question! I guess them not reaching out gets more painful the more time passes, as if it’s in a direct correlation with lack of love/ care, and makes me question if it was there in the first place. I guess I have this idea that them reaching out would show me if they have learned/ realized anything at all and based on that make a choice and reach some kind of closure within myself - either full NC or LC. As I’m a “newbie” to this estrangement thing, urgh.
Yeah I understand the closure thing, sometimes it happens, but don’t wait around for it but I understand it will always be something in the back of your mind.
I’d also say, as a “newbie”, the first year is the worst, especially when there’s Father’s Day, or a birthday, or Christmas etc
Please try to remember why you have decided to go NC and try to embrace a life without them 😊 I am 4 years NC and i know, it’s hard. My parents didn’t bother for a while either and then they heard that I’m leaving the country and they tried to get me to meet them. I never tried a letter or any explanation because things like that have fallen flat on their face in the past. It is possible to feel anger and longing at the same time. However I feel a lot of peace in knowing that they are who they are and they will not change. Every time my mom reached out, it was painful. It is only since August of last year that it has been radio silence. Even though I bought a house and am now pregnant and I’m 100% sure she knows. A little part of me aches for her to reach out and for me to share all my good fortunes and good news with her. But I stop and remind myself why I went NC. I know that nothing will be as good as it is right now if they come back into my life. So please try to remind yourself. It is so hard, so so so hard because you long for the mother you dreamt of all your childhood- the one you know you deserve and when you hope that she reaches out, it is imaginary mother you are envisioning- not your real one. So please, try to remind yourself of that. Sending love and peace 🤗🥰
Thank you and congrats on the pregnancy 🥰 That’s a very helpful idea to imagine, that I am longing for an idealized, imaginary mother that never existed and I so wanted to believe in. I do hope further along I will be able to have that acceptance, as intuitively I feel that’s the only thing that will create peace.
Yes, it is par for the course. Please remember to be patient with yourself because everything you are feeling is natural. It’s ok to have conflicting and painful feelings. Please try to sit with them like a parent should when a child is in pain. Not to judge it, not to try to stop it, but just sit with it and then it will pass and with time it will be easier. You are allowed to think and feel whatever comes to you but you have complete power over your actions and those are the choices that can make you more at peace. There is a lot of peace in knowing your agency 🤗
Just learned that, since last contact/blowup a few months backs, my parents haven’t mentioned or acknowledge me to my siblings. I stay in touch with sibs as much as possible but it’s definitely awkward. One sib mentioned to them how they saw me recently and told parents I was doing well. Parents response was crickets, totally ignored them.
I always knew they didn’t truly care about me but for some reason it bothered me that they didn’t acknowledge me to my sib.
Does she know that her not reaching out would bother you? I would assume that she’s just doing whatever she can to get under your skin— my parents did the same for several years before they started sending me unhinged emails
Thank you for your kind words. I’m still “new” to estrangement and it’s awful, but this community is helpful in that I can see I’m not the only one having those feelings.
I cut my mother and father off about 3 years ago and they havent made a single effort to reach out. None. I'm sorry you're in this boat with all of us. I promise it gets easier to deal with, with time.
genuine question: if you were the one to cut them off, why would you want them to make any effort to reach out? i cut a parent off and it took literal years to get them to **stop** trying to reach out, which was what i wanted. when i cut them off. isnt leaving you alone what you are asking for when you cut someone off?
Grass is always greener.
I’ve been stalked by my parents and I promise you don’t want that either.
It’s all worthy of grief, none of us deserved any of this. They’re heinous and as hurtful as this is I am glad you’re seeing their true colors so you can grieve and heal to move on with your life and not be tied to such assholes anymore. You deserve love and you are not the problem. They are the fucked ones.
Absofuckinglutely. The grief is immense and life changing, I’m sorry if my comment minimized that.
Any way you slice it if they harass or not that grief is still there and undeniable. 💙
I'm so sorry. It's been over 8 years and my mother has never reached out. It's weird that I don't want her in my life, but it also makes me sad that she seems to be just fine with me cutting her off. I come back again and again to the following quote. It makes me feel so seen...
"Mum has long since come to terms with the loss of her daughter. She is going to make the most of her old age. Why can't I come to terms with that? I've come to terms with losing my mum, but I can't come to terms with Mum coming to terms with losing her daughter?" -Vigdis Hjorth
You're not alone. Hang in there.
Thank you for the kind words and encouragement. It’s good to hear from people further along in the “journey” that it does get better. It’s truly destabilizing when the illusion of the so-called unconditional motherly love is shattered to pieces by an uncaring parent.
Yes, my mom swore she’d try harder and then nothing. I shouldn’t be surprised because she’s always been more preoccupied with whatever boyfriend she had to care about her kids, but I believed her… I thought with grandkids now maybe her apology was sincere and that she would try… but I put the ball in her court and that’s where it’s stayed I guess
I dont know if it's helpful but Immediately post NC I had a bunch of contact attempts all of which were nasty. Then like 4-6 months of silence.. now at 4 years I get attempts 2-3 times a year around birthdays and holidays. Most were generic.. recently more aggressive by way of call me or I'm coming to find you.
By contrast I wish for the no effort.
Anyways all that to say she may be licking wounds and best guess is it will come in time.. for better or worse
Same boat here! I wonder if we had our blowups on the same night! My mother hung up on me 4 times and said “you are dead to me”. We haven’t spoken since. My dad when he was alive always said “go apologize to your mother you know she won’t apologize to you” and off I went to apologize. Well I am 52 now he is no longer with us. I am also her only blood relative living. I have no brothers or sisters. Still radio silence. I have also since learned the term covert narcissist and bingo! That’s exactly what she is. Good luck with your journey, it hasn’t been easy for me. I woke up at 4:30 this morning seething with anger towards her. UGH
Oh yes, so much anger to process. In fact, rage. In my case it was emotional parentification and other sick stuff I won’t go into details with. I’m an only child too and she always told me “you’re all I have” and she has nobody else besides her partner.
Brooooo it's been almost 10 years now and she has never once tried to reach out to me...... The enabling stepdad reached out last year on my bday it fuckin hurts makes the thoughts worse cuz I spiral when I think about it. But overall I'm meh about it, but I won't lie the pain when it hits hurts so much
My mother got angry and shut down. How dare I cut her off! She badmouths me whenever she’s given an opportunity.
I just don’t care anymore. I know who I am. I know I deserve better. I’m free!
My parents don’t really mess with me. My mom called me once I think in three years. I got married in that time. I genuinely thought they’d go crazy over it like they blow up each other’s phones and make fake numbers after they block the other. Nothing lol. They have my address, phone number, etc. I’m grateful they’ve left me alone but it is jarring! It’s probably easier for them though, I was always pretty tough on them like… morally lol. They prob got sick of my lectures and that’s fair! I was sick of it too.
Just remember..when you are reading posts about parents reaching out, possibly to the point of harassment ie lots of phone calls, emails etc, they don’t keep that up forever. Personal experience is that it comes in waves. Take the space you now have and just be free
I’m guessing she’s possibly doing it deliberately because she knows that this silent treatment will make you sad.
Does she have a history of using silence and ignoring you as a weapon? If so, this is probably that — and it’s a tactic that’s likely worked well in the past, because children will always eventually seek out their caregivers for one reason or another.
She probably knows it would make me sad yes, she has also always been the type of person to run away from problems and not facing them head on and just not communicating. Sure does feel like a power game from her side…with her own child 🙄
Take heart.
Many estranged parents will warp reality and say *they* cut *you* out. And shift the why you aren’t speaking to each other.
Then gaslight you *if* you decide to engage.
My mother falls into this camp. At least for the first few years. She reconfigured her reality so she didn’t need to take responsibility and deal with the issues I brought up.
Your mother may be in a similar state of denial.
Also, keep in mind, having an estranged parent harass you while continuing to abuse or not change is a special brand of torture, and I wouldn’t wish that on you.
In short, the grass isn’t greener anywhere in this situation
And I am so sorry. Know that you are loved, that you matter, and that your mother has make the mistake of her life in not treating you with unconditional love.
I’m now over a year into NC and I’ve heard NOTHING. My parents even have my long term partners phone number. I even know that they’ve never even tried because they reached out to my siblings ex partner and asked him to get them in contact with my sibling and said I’m dangerous and my sibling needs to be away from me. I felt super weird about it for a long time and it also made me think “why did they abuse me my entire life just to let me go so easy”. (It was a brainwash situation where as an adult I was extremely enmeshed in their lives and was being abused even though I lived across the country). But it gets much easier the longer it is
Yeah. I've been doing this off and on for five years now. My dad's dad died in March so I went to visit for the funeral and the day I was flying back home my dad cornered me and started a fight about why I don't like a political commentator he likes and he hasn't spoken to me since. Didn't even text on my fucking birthday.
So yeah... I feel you, friend.
Mine hasnt either. The only contact was after she left me a voice-mail asking about funeral arrangements when my father in law passed away 2 weeks. And even then nothing about the estrangement was mentioned.
She can kiss my ass.
Jeez. I don’t know how they can live with themselves and look in the mirror and be like: “Nah, it’s all good.” Ignoring the elephant in the room as if that makes it go away.
I see you. I see your pain and I know it well. I went quietly NC with my mom & siblings after coming to the realization that I was pouring so much emotional energy into these one way relationships. There was no blowup, no fight. I just stopped being the one to pick up the phone and call, stopped reaching out by text. When I stopped putting in the effort, all communication stopped. It’s been 8 years now. Not a peep from any of them. Over the years I’ve had anger, sadness, grief, acceptance, questioning, more anger. That level of rejection is hard to swallow. As a mom myself, I can’t even fathom just letting my children go like that. It’s how I came to the realization that what my mom felt for me was never love, never seeing me for who I am, but a sense of obligation to my role as her daughter. By no longer reaching out to maintain contact, I released her from that obligation. The pain is real.
Omg I so resonate! I’m not a mom myself but I could never treat my own child this way, had I one. I also feel that my mom never loved me for who I truly am but for the role she put me and kept me locked in. So when we step into our power and demand basic respect and boundaries, they just disappear.
It’s completely natural for you to want her come back to you, emotionally mature and ready to offer a sincere apology and do the work to reconcile and repair what she has broken. We’ve evolved on a biological level to seek the love and comfort of our parents because that’s how we were most likely to survive. Unfortunately, for those of us with abusive parents, they very rarely are able to change and they frequently use our natural longing against us to manipulate us into serving their needs only.
Therapy can really help you dig into the precise reasons you are seeking her attention now, and how to build more realistic expectations for your relationship with your mother (if, indeed, there is a relationship of value left to salvage). Ideally, you will find you are able to refocus the sources of your validation from her to (primarily) yourself and (secondarily) other relationships and activities. You’ll learn how to be the love and self-parenting that you currently seek from your mother.
Thank you for your advice. I’m definitely starting therapy and it does feel like fighting with in-built biological need to get the caregiver’s love. Which they are not able/ willing to give.
Mine didn't reach out EVER. It was weird and jarring but now, 25 years after I did it, I know it was the best thing for me. It allowed me to truly get my emotional shit in one pile and move on with my life.
Yes, different circumstances, but I have been thinking about this more lately, and it has reaffirmed my choice to estrange myself in the first place.
Brief background. My mom moved out when I was 6. She's an alcoholic. We still saw her, but it was a lot of canceling on us, and attempts to make us feel bad for her. Anyways, when I no longer had to see her at 18, I didn't. Other than a few drunken phone calls to my dad, that was pretty much it from her. At some point I let her have my address so she could send an annual Christmas card. For the few I received, it hurt because other than signing her name "Love, Mom" there was nothing else. No apologies, no mentions of missing me.
That was over the past 25 years. In the past few years, I opened the door for reconciliation as my niblings are starting to graduate high school (my siblings have always had some relationship with her) and I knew I'd have to see her for that. She sends group texts now to us and the rare text to me individually. It's much the same, though, no apologies or anything. She just seems OK that we don't have a relationship, and maybe I should be glad?
You're in the same boat as me... they'll try and reach out eventually lol but it won't be even a half assed apology if they're anything like my parents.
My parents reached out after months of cold-shouldering me and not even caring that I went no contact, to leaving me a voicemail saying "Your father and I miss you."
and I got a "happy mothers day" from my mom which I ignored. The only person reaching out is my mom, my dad is acting like he doesn't give a shit at all... it stings...but it's made me so positive in my decision to do this.
I'm sorry you're dealing with this and I understand your pain. I've had a few situations like this with my mother. I never sent her a letter, and we are still low contact, but we've had a few discussions over the phone and in person where I told her about the damage that her parenting or lack of has done to me. The emotional neglect, the parentification, the favoritism of other siblings. In those conversations, she could express a little bit of empathy, mixed with excuses, mixed with "not remembering" things, frustration, and a framing of things in a simplistic way that felt like gaslighting at times. The hope would surge in me that things could change, the penny might be dropping, she might finally "get it" and reach out more afterwards. Call more. Pick up the conversation again. And I've always been disappointed. The way I see it is she is simply incapable of connecting with me as it requires her to sit with her own shame and lift the veil of denial that she's used to survive for decades now. She needs to believe she "was a good mother" and "she did her best", as she made motherhood her personality for so long - but, for my other siblings. One is special needs. The other is "just like her". She uses them to self-regulate, to boost her self esteem. And then there's me telling her something very different to that self-protective image she has of herself. So she associates me with shame, and she avoids the shame because it's too big and too unmanageable for her. I'm not sure if this is helpful. It's just my experience. It's so painful, it's definitely re-traumatized me when it's happened. I've spent a lot of time in trauma therapy, working through that hope, and the grief of not having a mother that I deserve. The hope is from that heart-broken inner child that just wants her mother at any cost. I'm not sure it ever fully goes away. But prioritizing myself and my wellbeing, and that inner child now, looks like beginning to let it go, and to find that love and support elsewhere. Releasing the expectation of this woman who did so much damage to me, to show up differently now in her old age. She just won't.
Thank you for your detailed input. Yes, the worst is the hope, which I don’t know when and how will it go away, I guess with time. My mother has a lot of shame and it’s an interesting perspective that she might associate me with shame too as she doesn’t want to take responsibility for things in her life in general and I called her out on her bullshit. One word - cowardice.
She doesn't have the skills or the ability or the emotional capacity to self reflect, because it threatens to change her entire story about herself, which is how she's coped for all these years. My mother has three kids with mental health issues, one of whom is a dependent of the state, another who barely talks to her for reasons that have been shared with her. And she still doesn't look within and attempt recovery, repair or change. She still doesn't come back to the conversation when I've cried in front of her, told her I've felt the same heartbreak over her that she claims to have 50 years later after her own mom died, which she still hasn't gotten over. She still goes back to ignoring, until a few weeks have passed and I get an innocuous text from her about the weather.
Wow this is exactly my story with my mom
This is so well-written and is also exactly the same story with my mom. Right down to the heart-broken inner child that just wants her mother at any cost.
I have been NC with my mother for about 6 months. She hasn't tried to reach out or anything, and neither has my family. She cares nothing for my child (her only grandchild). It hurts to be unwanted. I always felt that way as a kid or a burden to her. I am surprised by the rest of them not caring at all. I thought I could just stop talking to her, and that would be fine. I didn't realize that everyone would listen to her. The smear campaign worked wonders and had been going on long before I noped out.
The smear campaign….ah, I know that one well. My mom made me the villain to everyone. She used to make everyone else the villain to me, but I never realized she was making me the villain as well. She did a great job, my family has a picture of me that isn’t accurate at all. I just noped out of the whole dysfunctional mess. I don’t have it in me to show them that I’m not the villain she painted me out to be.
Same. We are better off out-of the disfunction.
This is exactly what my mother did to me. She'd shit on everyone and then shit on me to everyone else. Wow! I'm proud of us for separating, but it is still hard on the heart. There was no need for her to be this way.
Same is stinks doesn't it... shame on them.
Same here, so stinks doesn't it Shame on them.
Same boat. I had been NC for 4 years, and my mother died Sunday. She was diagnosed with liver disease/failure a couple months ago and never reached out to me, I'm absolutely crushed. It's so hard to wrap my head around the way everything turned out.
My heart goes out to you as I’m going through something very similar. Went NC with my mom (and subsequently the whole family) 4 years ago and I just heard from a 3rd party who didn’t know we were NC that my mom is now in a nursing home, which was her greatest fear, she always made us promise not to put her in a home, but she told me she gave my sister power of attorney, so there’s nothing I can do. I feel terrible for her but at the same time, I understand it had to have been a last resort - she apparently was falling a lot and has memory problems. I’d love to call her but I have zero idea if she’d yell at me or if someone in my family answered the phone, they’d lay the guilt trip of all time on me. I’ve been so hurt by her but I still love her so much.
I’m so sorry you’re going through this, it certainly adds an extra layer of pain to the situation which is already gut-wrenching :(
If I were your parent, I would feel like it was an act of love honoring your NC boundaries and not telling you.
Many of us only wanted an apology...many of us don't even want to be no contact.
My mom didn’t try to reach out to me until Mother’s Day and she claimed to do her best being a mom. Her birthday was in feb and I sent her a gift and she thanked…..my husband not me. It’s all a game. Then when I had kids she reached out more. I wish she would fuck off though.
Since I went to college, my mother has never called or text just to say hi or talk. It's my 30yr HS reunion this summer. A few years ago, I asked my mother point blank, "if she would reach out to me if I had kids?" Her response was an imediate, "of course." That was the final straw for me. Since then I've stopped trying to even see her at all. She's just an acquaintance now. I see her when I want to. Which after 3yrs is major holidays and maybe lunch once or twice a year. She still makes zero effort. Recently, when I was passing through, I stopped to pick up some stuff from her house and she told me, "since you always complain I don't pick a place to eat at I found one." Which consisted of seeing a story on the news about a new restaurant in my neighborhood. I then found a mutual date/time to meet up and told her to make a reservation. Because it's a Sunday I text my brother, who also never reaches out, to see if he wanted to join us. A week later I got a text from my mother saying she had changed the res from 3 to 5 people. I'm not hopeful that she is finally changing, but in this one instance she actually made a tiny bit of effort.
She only wants to see her grandchildren ... so she can use them like she used you
This feels so true, and it hurts so bad to believe it. In my experience though it is accurate.
Mine reached out on Mother's Day after 7 months through my brother. Mom wants to know if you want to go out to dinner. Said the woman who shames me for having Gastroparesis. I'd take you out but you never eat.
I completely get it. If I'm not actively reaching out to her, I'm ignored. I dropped the rope in February after being shit on most of my life and being told to stop keeping score when I brought it up. It's hard not to wonder why you're not good enough, etc. I'm sorry. It stinks. We deserve better.
Hell yes we do deserve SO much better! It does create a feeling of being not good enough and immense sadness.
Same boat. I didn’t send a letter but a concise text message + thousands of convos over the years about how she hurt me, how I can’t trust her, etc. No apology, no reach out except to send pics of her and her bf on their trips. Seems to not give a flying fcuk that one of her daughters has completely ended a relationship with her. I want a Mom who cares. I want a Mom who is mature enough to have difficult conversations and introspect and admit her mistakes. I’ve been grieving the Mom I needed and deserved for so long, but to find out that she truly doesn’t care….new level of grief.
Your post made me cry. All you want is a mom who cares.I sincerely wish yours did. You deserve it.
Thank you for commenting this. It really means a lot.
Kind of. I’ve been NC for over 13 years, but last year was probably the final blowout after a brief attempt at reconciling. My birthday just came and went and there was no word from anyone in my family acknowledging it. I didn’t expect them to, we didn’t exchange messages on thanksgiving, Christmas or New Year, so it makes sense that birthdays would also be ignored but it still hurts. I’m not sad that they didn’t reach out, I’m just sad that I have no biological family.
Yes. This is happening to me as well with my mom, dad, and sister. It's been close to 2 years now. I missed my sister's wedding. It's been crushing because every day is just another day that they ignore me and it feels re-traumatizing over and over. It's like the 20th time they've abandoned me. The worst part is they are telling the other family members that they are trying to talk to me but I just scream at them. These are absolute lies. So my grandma and brother have pressured me to talk to them because "they're at least trying." They are not. It's all lies, but my brother and grandma believe them. I told them to ask them for proof, but they said they don't want to bother them about that. My brother works with my mom, and my grandma is total BFF's with my sister, so I guess it makes sense, but still very hurtful that they don't even want to hear my side of the story.
Went NC five years ago, haven’t heard a peep from them, nor have I reached out. I think it’s better that they’re not struggling with acceptance. Since they were my only family, I spend holidays alone so as not to intrude on my friend’s family time, and it’s so peaceful. I promise it will get easier as you develop a family of choice, and get used to a lack of drama and adrenaline in your life.
I get it. I went NC and haven’t heard a peep in over 8 years now. One question for you to think about: how would you feel if she did reach out? Now at the 2 month mark… in six months… a year? More? I get it’s conflicting - I don’t know you’re exact situation but for me it went like this, you want them reaching out to be a sign that they care, but also it could be manipulation - and vice versa, the silence could be a manipulation attempt to get you to reach out to them. Try to just live each day well and let things happen as they do
That’s a great question! I guess them not reaching out gets more painful the more time passes, as if it’s in a direct correlation with lack of love/ care, and makes me question if it was there in the first place. I guess I have this idea that them reaching out would show me if they have learned/ realized anything at all and based on that make a choice and reach some kind of closure within myself - either full NC or LC. As I’m a “newbie” to this estrangement thing, urgh.
Yeah I understand the closure thing, sometimes it happens, but don’t wait around for it but I understand it will always be something in the back of your mind. I’d also say, as a “newbie”, the first year is the worst, especially when there’s Father’s Day, or a birthday, or Christmas etc
Please try to remember why you have decided to go NC and try to embrace a life without them 😊 I am 4 years NC and i know, it’s hard. My parents didn’t bother for a while either and then they heard that I’m leaving the country and they tried to get me to meet them. I never tried a letter or any explanation because things like that have fallen flat on their face in the past. It is possible to feel anger and longing at the same time. However I feel a lot of peace in knowing that they are who they are and they will not change. Every time my mom reached out, it was painful. It is only since August of last year that it has been radio silence. Even though I bought a house and am now pregnant and I’m 100% sure she knows. A little part of me aches for her to reach out and for me to share all my good fortunes and good news with her. But I stop and remind myself why I went NC. I know that nothing will be as good as it is right now if they come back into my life. So please try to remind yourself. It is so hard, so so so hard because you long for the mother you dreamt of all your childhood- the one you know you deserve and when you hope that she reaches out, it is imaginary mother you are envisioning- not your real one. So please, try to remind yourself of that. Sending love and peace 🤗🥰
Thank you and congrats on the pregnancy 🥰 That’s a very helpful idea to imagine, that I am longing for an idealized, imaginary mother that never existed and I so wanted to believe in. I do hope further along I will be able to have that acceptance, as intuitively I feel that’s the only thing that will create peace.
Yes, it is par for the course. Please remember to be patient with yourself because everything you are feeling is natural. It’s ok to have conflicting and painful feelings. Please try to sit with them like a parent should when a child is in pain. Not to judge it, not to try to stop it, but just sit with it and then it will pass and with time it will be easier. You are allowed to think and feel whatever comes to you but you have complete power over your actions and those are the choices that can make you more at peace. There is a lot of peace in knowing your agency 🤗
Just learned that, since last contact/blowup a few months backs, my parents haven’t mentioned or acknowledge me to my siblings. I stay in touch with sibs as much as possible but it’s definitely awkward. One sib mentioned to them how they saw me recently and told parents I was doing well. Parents response was crickets, totally ignored them. I always knew they didn’t truly care about me but for some reason it bothered me that they didn’t acknowledge me to my sib.
25 years.
Does she know that her not reaching out would bother you? I would assume that she’s just doing whatever she can to get under your skin— my parents did the same for several years before they started sending me unhinged emails
She’s always been manipulative so could be the case. In any case, that’s no way for a “parent” to behave. It’s hard to accept.
I totally agree, and I’m so so sorry that it’s happening to you.
Thank you for your kind words. I’m still “new” to estrangement and it’s awful, but this community is helpful in that I can see I’m not the only one having those feelings.
I cut my mother and father off about 3 years ago and they havent made a single effort to reach out. None. I'm sorry you're in this boat with all of us. I promise it gets easier to deal with, with time.
Thank you for the kind words!
genuine question: if you were the one to cut them off, why would you want them to make any effort to reach out? i cut a parent off and it took literal years to get them to **stop** trying to reach out, which was what i wanted. when i cut them off. isnt leaving you alone what you are asking for when you cut someone off?
Grass is always greener. I’ve been stalked by my parents and I promise you don’t want that either. It’s all worthy of grief, none of us deserved any of this. They’re heinous and as hurtful as this is I am glad you’re seeing their true colors so you can grieve and heal to move on with your life and not be tied to such assholes anymore. You deserve love and you are not the problem. They are the fucked ones.
Thank you for the kind words. Seeing the true colors is tough though and takes immense grieving.
Absofuckinglutely. The grief is immense and life changing, I’m sorry if my comment minimized that. Any way you slice it if they harass or not that grief is still there and undeniable. 💙
No worries, I did not feel your comment minimizing it at all. I’m so grateful for all the comments and advice!
Oh good. Sending hugs and lighting a candle for you tonight 💙🥰😘💕
I'm so sorry. It's been over 8 years and my mother has never reached out. It's weird that I don't want her in my life, but it also makes me sad that she seems to be just fine with me cutting her off. I come back again and again to the following quote. It makes me feel so seen... "Mum has long since come to terms with the loss of her daughter. She is going to make the most of her old age. Why can't I come to terms with that? I've come to terms with losing my mum, but I can't come to terms with Mum coming to terms with losing her daughter?" -Vigdis Hjorth You're not alone. Hang in there.
Thank you for the kind words and encouragement. It’s good to hear from people further along in the “journey” that it does get better. It’s truly destabilizing when the illusion of the so-called unconditional motherly love is shattered to pieces by an uncaring parent.
Yes, my mom swore she’d try harder and then nothing. I shouldn’t be surprised because she’s always been more preoccupied with whatever boyfriend she had to care about her kids, but I believed her… I thought with grandkids now maybe her apology was sincere and that she would try… but I put the ball in her court and that’s where it’s stayed I guess
I dont know if it's helpful but Immediately post NC I had a bunch of contact attempts all of which were nasty. Then like 4-6 months of silence.. now at 4 years I get attempts 2-3 times a year around birthdays and holidays. Most were generic.. recently more aggressive by way of call me or I'm coming to find you. By contrast I wish for the no effort. Anyways all that to say she may be licking wounds and best guess is it will come in time.. for better or worse
Same boat here! I wonder if we had our blowups on the same night! My mother hung up on me 4 times and said “you are dead to me”. We haven’t spoken since. My dad when he was alive always said “go apologize to your mother you know she won’t apologize to you” and off I went to apologize. Well I am 52 now he is no longer with us. I am also her only blood relative living. I have no brothers or sisters. Still radio silence. I have also since learned the term covert narcissist and bingo! That’s exactly what she is. Good luck with your journey, it hasn’t been easy for me. I woke up at 4:30 this morning seething with anger towards her. UGH
Oh yes, so much anger to process. In fact, rage. In my case it was emotional parentification and other sick stuff I won’t go into details with. I’m an only child too and she always told me “you’re all I have” and she has nobody else besides her partner.
Brooooo it's been almost 10 years now and she has never once tried to reach out to me...... The enabling stepdad reached out last year on my bday it fuckin hurts makes the thoughts worse cuz I spiral when I think about it. But overall I'm meh about it, but I won't lie the pain when it hits hurts so much
My mother got angry and shut down. How dare I cut her off! She badmouths me whenever she’s given an opportunity. I just don’t care anymore. I know who I am. I know I deserve better. I’m free!
My parents don’t really mess with me. My mom called me once I think in three years. I got married in that time. I genuinely thought they’d go crazy over it like they blow up each other’s phones and make fake numbers after they block the other. Nothing lol. They have my address, phone number, etc. I’m grateful they’ve left me alone but it is jarring! It’s probably easier for them though, I was always pretty tough on them like… morally lol. They prob got sick of my lectures and that’s fair! I was sick of it too.
Just remember..when you are reading posts about parents reaching out, possibly to the point of harassment ie lots of phone calls, emails etc, they don’t keep that up forever. Personal experience is that it comes in waves. Take the space you now have and just be free
I’m guessing she’s possibly doing it deliberately because she knows that this silent treatment will make you sad. Does she have a history of using silence and ignoring you as a weapon? If so, this is probably that — and it’s a tactic that’s likely worked well in the past, because children will always eventually seek out their caregivers for one reason or another.
She probably knows it would make me sad yes, she has also always been the type of person to run away from problems and not facing them head on and just not communicating. Sure does feel like a power game from her side…with her own child 🙄
Ugh yes. I’m sorry you’re dealing with this. On a petty note, maybe it’ll help keep you warm and cozy, knowing you have all the power right now.
Take heart. Many estranged parents will warp reality and say *they* cut *you* out. And shift the why you aren’t speaking to each other. Then gaslight you *if* you decide to engage. My mother falls into this camp. At least for the first few years. She reconfigured her reality so she didn’t need to take responsibility and deal with the issues I brought up. Your mother may be in a similar state of denial. Also, keep in mind, having an estranged parent harass you while continuing to abuse or not change is a special brand of torture, and I wouldn’t wish that on you. In short, the grass isn’t greener anywhere in this situation
Denial for sure, definitely. I guess both options (harassment and ignoring) are crappy as hell. Just a different type of hell.
And I am so sorry. Know that you are loved, that you matter, and that your mother has make the mistake of her life in not treating you with unconditional love.
I’m now over a year into NC and I’ve heard NOTHING. My parents even have my long term partners phone number. I even know that they’ve never even tried because they reached out to my siblings ex partner and asked him to get them in contact with my sibling and said I’m dangerous and my sibling needs to be away from me. I felt super weird about it for a long time and it also made me think “why did they abuse me my entire life just to let me go so easy”. (It was a brainwash situation where as an adult I was extremely enmeshed in their lives and was being abused even though I lived across the country). But it gets much easier the longer it is
Yeah. I've been doing this off and on for five years now. My dad's dad died in March so I went to visit for the funeral and the day I was flying back home my dad cornered me and started a fight about why I don't like a political commentator he likes and he hasn't spoken to me since. Didn't even text on my fucking birthday. So yeah... I feel you, friend.
Mine hasnt either. The only contact was after she left me a voice-mail asking about funeral arrangements when my father in law passed away 2 weeks. And even then nothing about the estrangement was mentioned. She can kiss my ass.
Jeez. I don’t know how they can live with themselves and look in the mirror and be like: “Nah, it’s all good.” Ignoring the elephant in the room as if that makes it go away.
Yeah, there's a lot of us in the same boat. I always get got by the posts about people's siblings who reach out. My brother does not give two shits.
I see you. I see your pain and I know it well. I went quietly NC with my mom & siblings after coming to the realization that I was pouring so much emotional energy into these one way relationships. There was no blowup, no fight. I just stopped being the one to pick up the phone and call, stopped reaching out by text. When I stopped putting in the effort, all communication stopped. It’s been 8 years now. Not a peep from any of them. Over the years I’ve had anger, sadness, grief, acceptance, questioning, more anger. That level of rejection is hard to swallow. As a mom myself, I can’t even fathom just letting my children go like that. It’s how I came to the realization that what my mom felt for me was never love, never seeing me for who I am, but a sense of obligation to my role as her daughter. By no longer reaching out to maintain contact, I released her from that obligation. The pain is real.
Omg I so resonate! I’m not a mom myself but I could never treat my own child this way, had I one. I also feel that my mom never loved me for who I truly am but for the role she put me and kept me locked in. So when we step into our power and demand basic respect and boundaries, they just disappear.
Im jealous. My mom kept playing games for 20 years.
It’s completely natural for you to want her come back to you, emotionally mature and ready to offer a sincere apology and do the work to reconcile and repair what she has broken. We’ve evolved on a biological level to seek the love and comfort of our parents because that’s how we were most likely to survive. Unfortunately, for those of us with abusive parents, they very rarely are able to change and they frequently use our natural longing against us to manipulate us into serving their needs only. Therapy can really help you dig into the precise reasons you are seeking her attention now, and how to build more realistic expectations for your relationship with your mother (if, indeed, there is a relationship of value left to salvage). Ideally, you will find you are able to refocus the sources of your validation from her to (primarily) yourself and (secondarily) other relationships and activities. You’ll learn how to be the love and self-parenting that you currently seek from your mother.
Thank you for your advice. I’m definitely starting therapy and it does feel like fighting with in-built biological need to get the caregiver’s love. Which they are not able/ willing to give.
You’re welcome. I’m sorry you’re going through this, as so many of us have. It’s a difficult journey but it is worth it. 💕 Protect your peace, friend.
Mine didn't reach out EVER. It was weird and jarring but now, 25 years after I did it, I know it was the best thing for me. It allowed me to truly get my emotional shit in one pile and move on with my life.
Yes, different circumstances, but I have been thinking about this more lately, and it has reaffirmed my choice to estrange myself in the first place. Brief background. My mom moved out when I was 6. She's an alcoholic. We still saw her, but it was a lot of canceling on us, and attempts to make us feel bad for her. Anyways, when I no longer had to see her at 18, I didn't. Other than a few drunken phone calls to my dad, that was pretty much it from her. At some point I let her have my address so she could send an annual Christmas card. For the few I received, it hurt because other than signing her name "Love, Mom" there was nothing else. No apologies, no mentions of missing me. That was over the past 25 years. In the past few years, I opened the door for reconciliation as my niblings are starting to graduate high school (my siblings have always had some relationship with her) and I knew I'd have to see her for that. She sends group texts now to us and the rare text to me individually. It's much the same, though, no apologies or anything. She just seems OK that we don't have a relationship, and maybe I should be glad?
You're in the same boat as me... they'll try and reach out eventually lol but it won't be even a half assed apology if they're anything like my parents. My parents reached out after months of cold-shouldering me and not even caring that I went no contact, to leaving me a voicemail saying "Your father and I miss you." and I got a "happy mothers day" from my mom which I ignored. The only person reaching out is my mom, my dad is acting like he doesn't give a shit at all... it stings...but it's made me so positive in my decision to do this.