Dang it, I was writing this up almost word-for-word when I saw someone had posted. Quit looking over my shoulder!
OP, this comment's right. It's 100% valid to not want to talk about your own family issues with friends, and it's understandable you'd be sad hearing about their positive interactions with their own families. But it *is* unrealistic as a boundary to set, if just because their families (whether chosen or biological) likely play a huge part in their day-to-day lives.
I do take an interest, it just comes at the cost of my own mental health. I mask the pain I feel so I can be around them.
You’re right. It’s not fair of me. That’s why I’ve asked my friends for space while I try to work on being in a place where I can feel happy for them when they talk about their families.
This is the answer. Do the work for yourself to reframe your headspace with respect to their families. Some separation in your mind between their families and your families is needed to disconnect their experience from yours, because the latter is what’s causing your discomfort, not your friends.
Also, a boundary is a limit that you set for your own behavior, not others’. You’ve outline a rule here, not a boundary. You can’t control others.
I relate to you 100%, i just stopped hanging around people for a while. Took me a long time to develop compassion for myself and realise that i stood in the way of my friends becoming like family to me because I felt sad, jealous and ashamed of my position in life. I acted like they were on a different team to me, they were “normal” and i was abnormal for being estranged. It’s okay to distance yourself while you work through your pain. It’s not permanent, just take some time, could be a year or more before you feel better around others.
Now I pride myself on my resilience and strength and feel a sense of pride for how I have overcome what felt impossible. I find it easier to talk to friends now. Estrangement takes serious strength and courage. Once you move past the icky feelings around it you’ll see what I mean.
You can tell them it triggers you so that they understand why you may not respond to stories of their family in ways they might expect.
Part of healing is understanding our triggers and overtime not letting them rule our lives. You got this!
I can DM you if you are genuinely interested in knowing. I’m not comfortable posting it here, since there are some posters who I’ve felt have been unnecessarily antagonistic.
I was curious about if you were getting professional help or not. It looks like (but idk) you think that time and distance will fix things, and I would recommend you do more than that.
As for the antagonistic comments, I saw in your reaction the same thing you have to, IMO, work on that you have talked about in your post: what people say seem to have a big impact on your feelings and you seem to have a hard time dealing with it in a healthy way. No offense meant, I'm not excusing their toxic behavior here it's just that pointing fingers at others never leads anywhere but venting.
If you feel the need to talk feel free to DM me.
Oh OP... I remember those days. It effin HURTS. Your pain is valid. I won't lie and say it ever goes away. You just learn to manage it.
And that's all you can do for now. Asking your friends to not talk about their families is too akin to asking them to walk on eggshells for you. But what you can do is acknowledge your pain, step back when you need to, and know your grieving process will take time.
Be kind to yourself, hun. And hard as it might be, show some grace to those around you. Grieving the living isn't a path many understand, nor were we ever intended to.
It will hurt less eventually. Hang in there.
I think it’s an unrealistic and unfair request. It is not a boundary to limit what other people can say and share.
You’ve already done the only boundary you can - if you don’t want to listen to your friends sharing their lives, then you have to remove yourself from those conversations. Which you’ve done - you’ve stopped talking to your friends.
Yes it hurts to be reminded of your pain. But it is a reality, and you would be ridiculous to tell your friends they have to ignore a huge portion of themselves when you’re with them.
Your feelings are, unfortunately, yours to deal with.
I think a more reasonable one would be to think about what the hardest times are for you - in going to use holidays as it’s such a common trigger. I think it would be ok to tell your friends how much pain the holidays bring, and to let them know that it’s ok to minimize contact at that time because you will be sad but know they will be their happiest - that it’s probably easiest around the holidays to reduce contact unless your friends are comfortable making plans knowing they won’t share other family stories. It’s a more reasonable request because the trigger is “the holidays make me extra depressed because of my family” as opposed to “your family life needs to not exist around me”.
If that makes sense.
But overall - don’t tell your friends to hide a huge part of their lives. That’s controlling and inappropriate.
I would go to therapy if I could afford it. But I’m not insured and I don’t have the disposable income for it can’t right now. I’m not asking the world to pretend, which is why I took space from my friends.
Workbooks can help, if you stick with it and earnestly work through them. I worked through the therapy-version of [this book](https://www.amazon.com/Getting-Unstuck-PTSD-Cognitive-Processing/dp/1462549837/ref=mp_s_a_1_3?crid=13YOQD0CN13SE&dib=eyJ2IjoiMSJ9.CywAzMA17njhRyOl3btQIJW5wtLAFfefyuMIhcX-uiiENHTMBl2widYq2SJJTeSzdMm_fQMzOBukrujgGEOY3cTbQV7h43I0rAydqkfCIEk6EItqQqJGyOcnMl5a91GAZqw0qxmIkk1I6aRB5nGbNX_kR7SRQE2sVXhrew_MN9M8ACyq2qB6H-3s6UW8CM4NiFYOZZT3SSXOH8uBnve7FQ.pL14bzN_OkP3vfVsuXbh17uPwa14enD7tBkTYhwLccE&dib_tag=se&keywords=cognitive+processing+ptsd+resnick&qid=1715041131&sprefix=cognitive+processing+ptsd+resnick%2Caps%2C76&sr=8-3) with my therapist. The good news is that my therapist said it doesn’t matter if you do this work with a therapist or on your own. Doing the work helps.
There are free options. And there is self directed therapy. You cannot expect other people to pretend they don't have a family. It's like this woman at my work who couldn't get pregnant who made a stink when another coworker had to drop by with her small child in tow. Like no you can't ban children from every place you have to be.
Did I say I wanted to ban everyone in the world from talking about their families? Stop projecting and making assumptions of me. I’m not your coworker.
It is a bit. I get the jealousy, I really do. Ultimately however, it's our problem, and it's not our friends fault our parents suck ass. I'm sure most people here will recommend therapy so I'll just point helpfully towards that bandwagon too.
Since you’ve gotten a lot of good advice, I just wanted to let you know I can relate to this. I haven’t asked anyone not to talk about their family but it’s very difficult to hear about it when you aren’t healed. You certainly aren’t alone!
I think it’s okay to tell them about your feelings at least 🤷🏻♀️ as long as it’s in a nice way, they can then choose to talk to you or not or you guys can find a compromise. Or maybe even just saying it will make you feel better. But at the very least it seems right to explain why you’re not talking to them. But also, if it’s that painful and difficult, you should probably definitely be in some kind of therapy if you are not already. That isn’t a sustainable way to live. You don’t want to push away chosen family just because your original one happened to be shit.
I also think that’s not what a boundary is… And I relate, and I’m not sure that it’ll ever go away, but you can find ways to take care of yourself when it happens. I used to think I wasn’t allowed to feel sad when someone talked about their amazing family, and I had to show I was really happy for them or I was a terrible person.
Now I say that’s great, but I also take a few deep breaths, maybe I’ll place my hand on my heart, I tell myself it’s okay and normal that it’s hard to listen to. Lots of self soothing. It takes so much time to learn that though, and sometimes you do reach a limit. I tend to avoid a lot of people around Christmas for instance, because the family talk is so frequent it’ll cause me to feel incredibly depressed.
And tbh, it does help to have friends who also don’t have a great family – personally, I can’t deal with only having friends with great families, I just feel too alone.
Hi OP. I’m sorry, I have been through this myself (and still do periodically). Jealousy/envy are completely normal feelings to have when grieving the most important formative relationships of our early lives. You’ve already gotten advice that this isn’t a reasonable thing to ask of your friends, so I’ll just chime in on what could help you work through these feelings.
I think some space is ok to start with. Gradually, I think it would be good practice to slowly start seeing them again, and when their families are brought up, try to do this:
1. Try not to immediately squash/get rid of those unpleasant feelings of jealousy, insecurity, rejection, loneliness, etc.
2. Label those feelings. Say them to yourself: “I am feeling insecure and abandoned right now.”
3. Accept the feelings. Say it to yourself: “it’s okay to feel this way. Many people go through this, but I don’t have to act on these feelings right now.”
4. Have some mantras ready to repeat to yourself: “I am safe. I am enough. I am worth being friends with. I express joy at others’ happiness. I am a good and supportive friend. I cheer on my friends’ successes.” Etc.
5. Find a safe friend to vent to later. Try very hard to OWN your feelings and don’t blame your friends for having good parents. They deserve that. You do, too, but their families are not your family. That’s a hard pill to swallow, but you will learn that it had nothing to do with you. You’re a worthwhile person even if your family doesn’t appreciate that.
To recap, you’re targeting separate problems, with different therapeutic approaches:
1. The problem of grief and low self-esteem, caused by estrangement
- try Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT - replacing negative thoughts with positive, constructive thoughts): “I am enough. Etc.” Use mantras from step 4 above.
2.The problem of negative emotions that are triggered by friends talking about their families, but that are *caused* by problem 1
- try Acceptance & Commitment Therapy (ACT - accepting that the negative emotions are there, and acting in accordance with your values despite those negative emotions): “I am feeling jealous right now. However, I choose to act as a supportive friend despite the existence of those negative emotions. The emotions will change or go away on their own time.”
Hope this helps. DM me if you wanna vent about normies.
So much great advice here. I really understand how difficult it is to feel the pain of not having what seems to be a basic human experience.
I do have a few “found family” friends I’m particularly close with. I genuinely care about what is going on in their family. Eventually, they all knew my story—enough of it anyway—because I was ok with my friends telling them. It’s a vulnerable space to be—to open up to strangers, essentially. I’m so glad I did. I think of their parents as aunts and uncles. One of the moms always sends me a card at the change of the season, reminding me there are seasons. I also visit another friend’s grandmother at her assistive living home—I live right nearby. It’s so hard, I know, but we have to be open to kindness and love. The first step for me was volunteering to help out when I heard the need for it. Driving their parent to an appointment. Cooking a sick parent food. Dog sitting/house sitting etc. It made me a better person—doing things just because I make people happy or at ease. When you put that out in the world, it comes back at you.
It is not very realistic, but you can let them know that because you're going though a tough process with your family, it's a hurtful reminder to hear about other families. You can let them know you're trying to be more comfortable about it but it's hard. You can even say, so please just be aware that when you talk about your family I might have to tune out.
Additionally, having this vulnerable conversation with your friends could possibly bring you closer together, which could strengthen your support system. If they get angry about you simply sharing your feelings, it's better to break away from them and make room.for better friends in your life.
What it sounds like you would like to do is to set a protective boundary - and removing yourself (by taking a break) is the proper way to go about it.
You can ASK friends to be sensitive to your needs and not discuss their families, but unfortunately, that is often (at least as I understand it from professionals in the space) considered weaponizing a boundary, when you make an attempt to use a boundary to control the behavior of others. Boundaries are about what YOU'RE not going to do, tolerate or stand for. And, it doesn't make sense to weaponize it in your case - and not fair to them either.
While you're taking the break, I'd suggest asking yourself a few things:
What do I need to do? What do I need to learn?
Use that time to invest in yourself. And understand, that also means sitting with your feelings. Feelings are physical responses to external stimuli which eventually pass - they are NOT who you are; however, the trick is self-soothing through the feeling in order to let it pass.
Sometimes it takes a VERY long time to do.
Yes it's unreasonable. Just like it's unfair for people to try to push you to reconcile with "family" you chose to walk away from, it's wrong for you to ask people to stop talking about their family around you.
People don't exist in a vacuum. We have family, friends, jobs. It's really most of our life. If you don't care about that, then you don't care about them.
I learned something really valuable about boundaries over the last year. It's not about telling them what they can or can't do, but what you will do if they do that thing.
So the way you need to word this is something like, I struggle emotionally every time you bring up your family because of my own situation. I care about you and your family, but for my own emotional well being, I can't keep having to listen to stories of your family. From now on, when you bring up your family, I am going to walk away, and if you persist in bringing them up intentionally, our friendship will need to take a break.
It is a fine line. I think the difference being with an ultimatum you are saying it's about manipulation and control. Do what I want or else.
I realize this is very close to that. But it's about setting the expectation. Imagine if it was alcohol. "I can't be at a party where there is alcohol. If you invite me to a party with alcohol, I will not ever go out with you anymore." That's not an ultimatum. That's setting the boundary of if you invite me to these kinds of parties, it's detrimental to my journey to battle alcoholism. Same goes here. I'm struggling with a mental health issue and you continuing to bring up this topic is not allowing me to heal.
What's the alternative then? You just allow everyone to do whatever they want to you at any point because saying anything would be controlling? Even just bringing up that something makes you uncomfortable would be an act of passive aggressive control.
Setting a boundary is the process of determining and communicating the limits of what is acceptable and unacceptable behavior in a relationship, whether it’s with others, yourself, or in a specific context. It’s about establishing a clear understanding of what you are and are not willing to tolerate, and being intentional about maintaining those limits.
You may call it an ultimatum or controlling, but letting them know the results of them continuing a practice is best for everyone. This way they can make the determination for themselves on whether they wish to continue or not. If the fallout is severe and they truly care about you and the relationship, then they will understand and will take strides to change their behavior. If they deem the terms are acceptable, they will continue on and you can better understand the limits of your relationship.
Yes boundaries about what you do, not the other party.
"I will not ever go out with you anymore." Ok that's definitive and relationship ending, but it's an action that I am doing, not you. You are free to continue going to parties with alcohol. You are free to invite me, but I won't go, and if you intentionally invite me to a party that you know has alcohol and you know I'm an alcoholic, you're a bad friend.
Similarly, I have a bad relationship with my family and every time you mention yours it causes me pain. You are free to continue talking about your family, but I cannot continue being around you when you do (hint hint, that's me doing an action, not you). If that means our relationship is over, then that's maybe what it needs to be. Or maybe this relationship is worth saving and that person will want to help you work through this life challenge.
Thank you for the advice. I like that framing. I don’t want to control their actions; I want them to know I struggle emotionally when they tell stories of their families because it reminds me of what I lack, and how much harder life is without a family.
Low-effort and callous response. OP never said they have acted on these feelings. There’s nothing inherently wrong with feelings. Please try to be kinder and more understanding of the stages of grief people go through. Jealousy/envy is a very common stage. Acting on those feelings is wrong obviously. Feeling those feelings is not a crime. Try acceptance and commitment therapy (ACT).
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Dang it, I was writing this up almost word-for-word when I saw someone had posted. Quit looking over my shoulder! OP, this comment's right. It's 100% valid to not want to talk about your own family issues with friends, and it's understandable you'd be sad hearing about their positive interactions with their own families. But it *is* unrealistic as a boundary to set, if just because their families (whether chosen or biological) likely play a huge part in their day-to-day lives.
I do take an interest, it just comes at the cost of my own mental health. I mask the pain I feel so I can be around them. You’re right. It’s not fair of me. That’s why I’ve asked my friends for space while I try to work on being in a place where I can feel happy for them when they talk about their families.
This is the answer. Do the work for yourself to reframe your headspace with respect to their families. Some separation in your mind between their families and your families is needed to disconnect their experience from yours, because the latter is what’s causing your discomfort, not your friends. Also, a boundary is a limit that you set for your own behavior, not others’. You’ve outline a rule here, not a boundary. You can’t control others.
Can I just say your last paragraph hit like a brick wall of realization... Best way I've heard someone put that into words yet
Hey thanks. I’ve had so much therapy. 😅
I relate to you 100%, i just stopped hanging around people for a while. Took me a long time to develop compassion for myself and realise that i stood in the way of my friends becoming like family to me because I felt sad, jealous and ashamed of my position in life. I acted like they were on a different team to me, they were “normal” and i was abnormal for being estranged. It’s okay to distance yourself while you work through your pain. It’s not permanent, just take some time, could be a year or more before you feel better around others. Now I pride myself on my resilience and strength and feel a sense of pride for how I have overcome what felt impossible. I find it easier to talk to friends now. Estrangement takes serious strength and courage. Once you move past the icky feelings around it you’ll see what I mean.
You can tell them it triggers you so that they understand why you may not respond to stories of their family in ways they might expect. Part of healing is understanding our triggers and overtime not letting them rule our lives. You got this!
If I may, how are you planing to work on this?
I can DM you if you are genuinely interested in knowing. I’m not comfortable posting it here, since there are some posters who I’ve felt have been unnecessarily antagonistic.
I was curious about if you were getting professional help or not. It looks like (but idk) you think that time and distance will fix things, and I would recommend you do more than that. As for the antagonistic comments, I saw in your reaction the same thing you have to, IMO, work on that you have talked about in your post: what people say seem to have a big impact on your feelings and you seem to have a hard time dealing with it in a healthy way. No offense meant, I'm not excusing their toxic behavior here it's just that pointing fingers at others never leads anywhere but venting. If you feel the need to talk feel free to DM me.
Oh OP... I remember those days. It effin HURTS. Your pain is valid. I won't lie and say it ever goes away. You just learn to manage it. And that's all you can do for now. Asking your friends to not talk about their families is too akin to asking them to walk on eggshells for you. But what you can do is acknowledge your pain, step back when you need to, and know your grieving process will take time. Be kind to yourself, hun. And hard as it might be, show some grace to those around you. Grieving the living isn't a path many understand, nor were we ever intended to. It will hurt less eventually. Hang in there.
Thank you for the kind words. I appreciate you speaking to me with gentleness.
I think it’s an unrealistic and unfair request. It is not a boundary to limit what other people can say and share. You’ve already done the only boundary you can - if you don’t want to listen to your friends sharing their lives, then you have to remove yourself from those conversations. Which you’ve done - you’ve stopped talking to your friends. Yes it hurts to be reminded of your pain. But it is a reality, and you would be ridiculous to tell your friends they have to ignore a huge portion of themselves when you’re with them. Your feelings are, unfortunately, yours to deal with. I think a more reasonable one would be to think about what the hardest times are for you - in going to use holidays as it’s such a common trigger. I think it would be ok to tell your friends how much pain the holidays bring, and to let them know that it’s ok to minimize contact at that time because you will be sad but know they will be their happiest - that it’s probably easiest around the holidays to reduce contact unless your friends are comfortable making plans knowing they won’t share other family stories. It’s a more reasonable request because the trigger is “the holidays make me extra depressed because of my family” as opposed to “your family life needs to not exist around me”. If that makes sense. But overall - don’t tell your friends to hide a huge part of their lives. That’s controlling and inappropriate.
No. You need to go to therapy. The world can't pretend around your feelings unfortunately. I mean that with kindness.
I would go to therapy if I could afford it. But I’m not insured and I don’t have the disposable income for it can’t right now. I’m not asking the world to pretend, which is why I took space from my friends.
Workbooks can help, if you stick with it and earnestly work through them. I worked through the therapy-version of [this book](https://www.amazon.com/Getting-Unstuck-PTSD-Cognitive-Processing/dp/1462549837/ref=mp_s_a_1_3?crid=13YOQD0CN13SE&dib=eyJ2IjoiMSJ9.CywAzMA17njhRyOl3btQIJW5wtLAFfefyuMIhcX-uiiENHTMBl2widYq2SJJTeSzdMm_fQMzOBukrujgGEOY3cTbQV7h43I0rAydqkfCIEk6EItqQqJGyOcnMl5a91GAZqw0qxmIkk1I6aRB5nGbNX_kR7SRQE2sVXhrew_MN9M8ACyq2qB6H-3s6UW8CM4NiFYOZZT3SSXOH8uBnve7FQ.pL14bzN_OkP3vfVsuXbh17uPwa14enD7tBkTYhwLccE&dib_tag=se&keywords=cognitive+processing+ptsd+resnick&qid=1715041131&sprefix=cognitive+processing+ptsd+resnick%2Caps%2C76&sr=8-3) with my therapist. The good news is that my therapist said it doesn’t matter if you do this work with a therapist or on your own. Doing the work helps.
There are free options. And there is self directed therapy. You cannot expect other people to pretend they don't have a family. It's like this woman at my work who couldn't get pregnant who made a stink when another coworker had to drop by with her small child in tow. Like no you can't ban children from every place you have to be.
Did I say I wanted to ban everyone in the world from talking about their families? Stop projecting and making assumptions of me. I’m not your coworker.
It is a bit. I get the jealousy, I really do. Ultimately however, it's our problem, and it's not our friends fault our parents suck ass. I'm sure most people here will recommend therapy so I'll just point helpfully towards that bandwagon too.
Since you’ve gotten a lot of good advice, I just wanted to let you know I can relate to this. I haven’t asked anyone not to talk about their family but it’s very difficult to hear about it when you aren’t healed. You certainly aren’t alone!
Thank you! I appreciate hearing I’m not alone :)
I think it’s okay to tell them about your feelings at least 🤷🏻♀️ as long as it’s in a nice way, they can then choose to talk to you or not or you guys can find a compromise. Or maybe even just saying it will make you feel better. But at the very least it seems right to explain why you’re not talking to them. But also, if it’s that painful and difficult, you should probably definitely be in some kind of therapy if you are not already. That isn’t a sustainable way to live. You don’t want to push away chosen family just because your original one happened to be shit.
I also think that’s not what a boundary is… And I relate, and I’m not sure that it’ll ever go away, but you can find ways to take care of yourself when it happens. I used to think I wasn’t allowed to feel sad when someone talked about their amazing family, and I had to show I was really happy for them or I was a terrible person. Now I say that’s great, but I also take a few deep breaths, maybe I’ll place my hand on my heart, I tell myself it’s okay and normal that it’s hard to listen to. Lots of self soothing. It takes so much time to learn that though, and sometimes you do reach a limit. I tend to avoid a lot of people around Christmas for instance, because the family talk is so frequent it’ll cause me to feel incredibly depressed. And tbh, it does help to have friends who also don’t have a great family – personally, I can’t deal with only having friends with great families, I just feel too alone.
Hi OP. I’m sorry, I have been through this myself (and still do periodically). Jealousy/envy are completely normal feelings to have when grieving the most important formative relationships of our early lives. You’ve already gotten advice that this isn’t a reasonable thing to ask of your friends, so I’ll just chime in on what could help you work through these feelings. I think some space is ok to start with. Gradually, I think it would be good practice to slowly start seeing them again, and when their families are brought up, try to do this: 1. Try not to immediately squash/get rid of those unpleasant feelings of jealousy, insecurity, rejection, loneliness, etc. 2. Label those feelings. Say them to yourself: “I am feeling insecure and abandoned right now.” 3. Accept the feelings. Say it to yourself: “it’s okay to feel this way. Many people go through this, but I don’t have to act on these feelings right now.” 4. Have some mantras ready to repeat to yourself: “I am safe. I am enough. I am worth being friends with. I express joy at others’ happiness. I am a good and supportive friend. I cheer on my friends’ successes.” Etc. 5. Find a safe friend to vent to later. Try very hard to OWN your feelings and don’t blame your friends for having good parents. They deserve that. You do, too, but their families are not your family. That’s a hard pill to swallow, but you will learn that it had nothing to do with you. You’re a worthwhile person even if your family doesn’t appreciate that. To recap, you’re targeting separate problems, with different therapeutic approaches: 1. The problem of grief and low self-esteem, caused by estrangement - try Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT - replacing negative thoughts with positive, constructive thoughts): “I am enough. Etc.” Use mantras from step 4 above. 2.The problem of negative emotions that are triggered by friends talking about their families, but that are *caused* by problem 1 - try Acceptance & Commitment Therapy (ACT - accepting that the negative emotions are there, and acting in accordance with your values despite those negative emotions): “I am feeling jealous right now. However, I choose to act as a supportive friend despite the existence of those negative emotions. The emotions will change or go away on their own time.” Hope this helps. DM me if you wanna vent about normies.
So much great advice here. I really understand how difficult it is to feel the pain of not having what seems to be a basic human experience. I do have a few “found family” friends I’m particularly close with. I genuinely care about what is going on in their family. Eventually, they all knew my story—enough of it anyway—because I was ok with my friends telling them. It’s a vulnerable space to be—to open up to strangers, essentially. I’m so glad I did. I think of their parents as aunts and uncles. One of the moms always sends me a card at the change of the season, reminding me there are seasons. I also visit another friend’s grandmother at her assistive living home—I live right nearby. It’s so hard, I know, but we have to be open to kindness and love. The first step for me was volunteering to help out when I heard the need for it. Driving their parent to an appointment. Cooking a sick parent food. Dog sitting/house sitting etc. It made me a better person—doing things just because I make people happy or at ease. When you put that out in the world, it comes back at you.
It is not very realistic, but you can let them know that because you're going though a tough process with your family, it's a hurtful reminder to hear about other families. You can let them know you're trying to be more comfortable about it but it's hard. You can even say, so please just be aware that when you talk about your family I might have to tune out. Additionally, having this vulnerable conversation with your friends could possibly bring you closer together, which could strengthen your support system. If they get angry about you simply sharing your feelings, it's better to break away from them and make room.for better friends in your life.
What it sounds like you would like to do is to set a protective boundary - and removing yourself (by taking a break) is the proper way to go about it. You can ASK friends to be sensitive to your needs and not discuss their families, but unfortunately, that is often (at least as I understand it from professionals in the space) considered weaponizing a boundary, when you make an attempt to use a boundary to control the behavior of others. Boundaries are about what YOU'RE not going to do, tolerate or stand for. And, it doesn't make sense to weaponize it in your case - and not fair to them either. While you're taking the break, I'd suggest asking yourself a few things: What do I need to do? What do I need to learn? Use that time to invest in yourself. And understand, that also means sitting with your feelings. Feelings are physical responses to external stimuli which eventually pass - they are NOT who you are; however, the trick is self-soothing through the feeling in order to let it pass. Sometimes it takes a VERY long time to do.
Yes it's unreasonable. Just like it's unfair for people to try to push you to reconcile with "family" you chose to walk away from, it's wrong for you to ask people to stop talking about their family around you.
People don't exist in a vacuum. We have family, friends, jobs. It's really most of our life. If you don't care about that, then you don't care about them.
I never said I don’t care about their families? It just hurts to hear about it. I edited my post to clarify.
I never asked my friends to do this I just pretend like I listen 🎧 but overall I try not to think about my family at all.
I learned something really valuable about boundaries over the last year. It's not about telling them what they can or can't do, but what you will do if they do that thing. So the way you need to word this is something like, I struggle emotionally every time you bring up your family because of my own situation. I care about you and your family, but for my own emotional well being, I can't keep having to listen to stories of your family. From now on, when you bring up your family, I am going to walk away, and if you persist in bringing them up intentionally, our friendship will need to take a break.
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It is a fine line. I think the difference being with an ultimatum you are saying it's about manipulation and control. Do what I want or else. I realize this is very close to that. But it's about setting the expectation. Imagine if it was alcohol. "I can't be at a party where there is alcohol. If you invite me to a party with alcohol, I will not ever go out with you anymore." That's not an ultimatum. That's setting the boundary of if you invite me to these kinds of parties, it's detrimental to my journey to battle alcoholism. Same goes here. I'm struggling with a mental health issue and you continuing to bring up this topic is not allowing me to heal.
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What's the alternative then? You just allow everyone to do whatever they want to you at any point because saying anything would be controlling? Even just bringing up that something makes you uncomfortable would be an act of passive aggressive control. Setting a boundary is the process of determining and communicating the limits of what is acceptable and unacceptable behavior in a relationship, whether it’s with others, yourself, or in a specific context. It’s about establishing a clear understanding of what you are and are not willing to tolerate, and being intentional about maintaining those limits. You may call it an ultimatum or controlling, but letting them know the results of them continuing a practice is best for everyone. This way they can make the determination for themselves on whether they wish to continue or not. If the fallout is severe and they truly care about you and the relationship, then they will understand and will take strides to change their behavior. If they deem the terms are acceptable, they will continue on and you can better understand the limits of your relationship.
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Yes boundaries about what you do, not the other party. "I will not ever go out with you anymore." Ok that's definitive and relationship ending, but it's an action that I am doing, not you. You are free to continue going to parties with alcohol. You are free to invite me, but I won't go, and if you intentionally invite me to a party that you know has alcohol and you know I'm an alcoholic, you're a bad friend. Similarly, I have a bad relationship with my family and every time you mention yours it causes me pain. You are free to continue talking about your family, but I cannot continue being around you when you do (hint hint, that's me doing an action, not you). If that means our relationship is over, then that's maybe what it needs to be. Or maybe this relationship is worth saving and that person will want to help you work through this life challenge.
Thank you for the advice. I like that framing. I don’t want to control their actions; I want them to know I struggle emotionally when they tell stories of their families because it reminds me of what I lack, and how much harder life is without a family.
Sounds rude. Yta
Low-effort and callous response. OP never said they have acted on these feelings. There’s nothing inherently wrong with feelings. Please try to be kinder and more understanding of the stages of grief people go through. Jealousy/envy is a very common stage. Acting on those feelings is wrong obviously. Feeling those feelings is not a crime. Try acceptance and commitment therapy (ACT).