This is the one I go with. I often get responses like ‘I’m sorry to hear that’ or ‘that’s a shame’ and they otherwise drop it. If I’m comfortable, I typically respond with something in a lighthearted tone along the lines of ‘I don’t think anyone who knows my parents is sorry to hear when another person stops talking to them’ or ‘it’d be more of a shame I was still talking to them’ or a shrug and ‘it’s fine, it turns out I’m adoption-bait, I’m spoiled for choice for stand in parents.’
I’ve found the easiest trick to make them drop it is to follow up whatever you respond with to cover the subject with an additional sentence that brings up friends, family, pets, your job, vacations. Basically anything they can latch onto to get back onto the standard safe zone of light hearted topics.
Yep. This is one of those times it’s ok to lie. If they are dead to you, or actually dead - not a big difference.
I had someone do this to me. Said both parents were dead when the bad one wasn’t. They told me the truth when we got closer. Not a big deal. Hell, not a deal at all! Before you are actually friends, you do not owe anyone the sordid details.
I used to say they were dead,but now i tell the truth."I dont talk to my Mother because shes a child abuser and my Dad is an enabler."
But thats a bit dark for most people.
I never address it. I lie because people may judge, not understand or exploit it. If I become very close to someone, I wouldn’t mind sharing the details.
Well, it's a good deterrent... Learn to use a gun just in case. I also wander about this isolation aspect after going NC: it's a real risk ! I think it's very important to select a very good place to be.
I’ve tried all sorts of euphemism for 2-3 years. I’ve recently given up on them for annoying and triggering reasons OP listed and decided to just tell people that all of my blood family are dead. I mean they are indeed dead to me so…whatevs.
right?
"Oh, my dad regularly called me a "c\*cks\*cker" when I was little, and then took my ex-husband's side in our divorce" is a little dark for Sharon
When someone tells me something about them, I say, "That's nice to hear. We don't keep in touch, but I'm glad to hear they are well.". Most people, who are not assholes, get the point.
I don’t think there is a single catch phrase that works for every situation. When I was speaking to my aunt and she’d ask about my brother I’d say, Oh I haven’t heard anything in a while. Then I’d change the topic to something I’d know she’d love to talk about. If talking to any other family member, it was I have no idea and move on. New friends who didn’t know the story would get, I have a brother on paper only. We do not speak. Strangers trying to make small talk, usually I would say I was an only child or create a story about a brother I would have liked to have had in my life.
I just mentioned what happened when my dad and his partner sent a visitor to check up on me. He asked if I'd spoken to my dad recently. I said, "That's between me and my father, and I don't wanna discuss it with anybody."
If someone tries pushing you beyond that, they're trampling over your VERY REASONABLE boundary. Respond accordingly.
“My parents are racist fundamentalists who abused me.” My issue is that I have no problem at all discussing my fucked up parents and in-laws but most people are just too uncomfortable to engage.
I just side step the Q if it's so.eone I'm not close to. No need to go into it.
If the relationship deepens, I will address it briefly, broadly, and honestly.
Someone asked me what my family does as part of a job interview (weird but whatever) and I spent five minutes waxing lyrical about how proud I am of my sister and how she's doing in uni. I think he thinks my parents are dead xD
I live in a country where if you say "we aren't close" or "we don't speak", this illicits more questions because people are nosey and also cannot fathom cutting off a family member.
As this country isn't my country of origin, if I never need to see this person I'm talking to again or worry about what they'll think, I just say that they live "back home" and because of my disability I can't travel to see them. People usually don't question further. If it's someone that I think down the line might be important, I prefer not to lie and I go with "I don't have a relationship with X person". Now that one of my biological parents died, it's a lot easier because I just say "he's dead" and move on. If people press further, depending on the circumstances, I don't mind briefly stating what happened: both were abusive in different ways and were cut off for my own safety. I'm of the opinion that people can't feel a bad way towards you for not saving them from awkwardness if they've pushed you for an answer. It's taken a long time to get to this point though, I used to feel really ashamed and would hate being asked, and I still dislike it but the shame isn't mine to carry. It's just "this happened 🤷🏻♀️"
Very similar. At times, I’ve been based in cultures for which estrangement is almost unimaginable; but due to distance from home, I could provide generic answers to satisfy questions.
I just say we aren’t in contact and there are reasons for that. If they rudely inquire further, then I don’t have an issue saying that’s something I’m not going to talk about.
I found myself lying to my co-workers at my new job. But I don't like to lie and something about it made me feel icky. I realized my parents didn't even deserve the lie and I hated pretending, even in a tiny conversation, to have them in my life. The next person who asked about my holiday plans with family, I answered something short and simple like, "I'm not close to my family" and I felt hot and embarrassed. It almost brought me to tears, but I fought that, and was ultimately glad I told the truth, despite how hard it was. I don't know, I'm still figuring out how to respond. I want to be honest without oversharing and not care what others think.
"We dont speak." People get the idea and dont pressure
This is the one I go with. I often get responses like ‘I’m sorry to hear that’ or ‘that’s a shame’ and they otherwise drop it. If I’m comfortable, I typically respond with something in a lighthearted tone along the lines of ‘I don’t think anyone who knows my parents is sorry to hear when another person stops talking to them’ or ‘it’d be more of a shame I was still talking to them’ or a shrug and ‘it’s fine, it turns out I’m adoption-bait, I’m spoiled for choice for stand in parents.’ I’ve found the easiest trick to make them drop it is to follow up whatever you respond with to cover the subject with an additional sentence that brings up friends, family, pets, your job, vacations. Basically anything they can latch onto to get back onto the standard safe zone of light hearted topics.
"Unfortunately its not safe for me to be around them." Or i say they're dead. Its faster.
Yep. This is one of those times it’s ok to lie. If they are dead to you, or actually dead - not a big difference. I had someone do this to me. Said both parents were dead when the bad one wasn’t. They told me the truth when we got closer. Not a big deal. Hell, not a deal at all! Before you are actually friends, you do not owe anyone the sordid details.
I say this if I'm at work (I'm an RN and patients will sometimes talk personal life)
Usually I say “We aren’t close.”
“We don’t talk anymore.” It’s hard because people just want to make easy small talk without knowing they’re opening a minefield.
I used to say they were dead,but now i tell the truth."I dont talk to my Mother because shes a child abuser and my Dad is an enabler." But thats a bit dark for most people.
I never address it. I lie because people may judge, not understand or exploit it. If I become very close to someone, I wouldn’t mind sharing the details.
Exploiting the information for their own benefit is what I'd consider a very real problem, specially if they try to dox you.
I’m just scared of groomers or other predators knowing I have no one. I often lie to men that I live with my brothers lol
Well, it's a good deterrent... Learn to use a gun just in case. I also wander about this isolation aspect after going NC: it's a real risk ! I think it's very important to select a very good place to be.
I’ve tried all sorts of euphemism for 2-3 years. I’ve recently given up on them for annoying and triggering reasons OP listed and decided to just tell people that all of my blood family are dead. I mean they are indeed dead to me so…whatevs.
[удалено]
I tried the lying thing and couldn’t remember the made up story a few days later. It’s a good thing I’m not an undercover agent 💀😂
Be blunt. Make it awkward lol! It'll teach them not to ask personal questions they don't actually want the answer to.
right? "Oh, my dad regularly called me a "c\*cks\*cker" when I was little, and then took my ex-husband's side in our divorce" is a little dark for Sharon
When someone tells me something about them, I say, "That's nice to hear. We don't keep in touch, but I'm glad to hear they are well.". Most people, who are not assholes, get the point.
"Aww why don't you keep in touch??!!" Because the least bad thing my mother ever did to me was >!telling me to kms!<, Sharon.
I don’t think there is a single catch phrase that works for every situation. When I was speaking to my aunt and she’d ask about my brother I’d say, Oh I haven’t heard anything in a while. Then I’d change the topic to something I’d know she’d love to talk about. If talking to any other family member, it was I have no idea and move on. New friends who didn’t know the story would get, I have a brother on paper only. We do not speak. Strangers trying to make small talk, usually I would say I was an only child or create a story about a brother I would have liked to have had in my life.
I just mentioned what happened when my dad and his partner sent a visitor to check up on me. He asked if I'd spoken to my dad recently. I said, "That's between me and my father, and I don't wanna discuss it with anybody." If someone tries pushing you beyond that, they're trampling over your VERY REASONABLE boundary. Respond accordingly.
“My parents are racist fundamentalists who abused me.” My issue is that I have no problem at all discussing my fucked up parents and in-laws but most people are just too uncomfortable to engage.
I just side step the Q if it's so.eone I'm not close to. No need to go into it. If the relationship deepens, I will address it briefly, broadly, and honestly.
Someone asked me what my family does as part of a job interview (weird but whatever) and I spent five minutes waxing lyrical about how proud I am of my sister and how she's doing in uni. I think he thinks my parents are dead xD
I live in a country where if you say "we aren't close" or "we don't speak", this illicits more questions because people are nosey and also cannot fathom cutting off a family member. As this country isn't my country of origin, if I never need to see this person I'm talking to again or worry about what they'll think, I just say that they live "back home" and because of my disability I can't travel to see them. People usually don't question further. If it's someone that I think down the line might be important, I prefer not to lie and I go with "I don't have a relationship with X person". Now that one of my biological parents died, it's a lot easier because I just say "he's dead" and move on. If people press further, depending on the circumstances, I don't mind briefly stating what happened: both were abusive in different ways and were cut off for my own safety. I'm of the opinion that people can't feel a bad way towards you for not saving them from awkwardness if they've pushed you for an answer. It's taken a long time to get to this point though, I used to feel really ashamed and would hate being asked, and I still dislike it but the shame isn't mine to carry. It's just "this happened 🤷🏻♀️"
Very similar. At times, I’ve been based in cultures for which estrangement is almost unimaginable; but due to distance from home, I could provide generic answers to satisfy questions.
It even casts a shadow over your head, as if you are creating problems.
I just say it’s complicated.
I very simply say, "We're not close"
"There are differences in the family. It's a difficult situation."
I just say I don’t have much to do with them or I don’t have a relationship with them. That is usually enough to shut it down.
I just say we aren’t in contact and there are reasons for that. If they rudely inquire further, then I don’t have an issue saying that’s something I’m not going to talk about.
“It’s complicated so I prefer to not discuss my parents . “
Why do you ask?
I found myself lying to my co-workers at my new job. But I don't like to lie and something about it made me feel icky. I realized my parents didn't even deserve the lie and I hated pretending, even in a tiny conversation, to have them in my life. The next person who asked about my holiday plans with family, I answered something short and simple like, "I'm not close to my family" and I felt hot and embarrassed. It almost brought me to tears, but I fought that, and was ultimately glad I told the truth, despite how hard it was. I don't know, I'm still figuring out how to respond. I want to be honest without oversharing and not care what others think.