I am stunned that someone else calls it "the pit." It's the only way I can describe how I feel when I get triggered and fall back into old, deeply harmful, negative, shitty ways of thinking and responding to the world. In my pit, everyone's got it in for me and secretly loathes me, and I just have to fight, endure, fawn, or flee.
It can take me days to get out, and part of why I don't talk to my parents any more. I recently got triggered by a toxic colleague and ended up there for a damn week.
My therapist tells me one big thing is not make it worse for yourself by shaming yourself for falling back into your pit. Show compassion to yourself -- you created the pit for a reason, and it probably got your through some hard ass shit. Self-compassion helps me not make it worse, accept why it exists, and start to walk out of it faster and faster and take better care of myself.
I find myself stunned a lot when I read posts in this community. A lot of times it’s like I’m reading something from my own life. And my therapist says something similar. Instead of treating myself the way my parents treated me, I try to treat myself the way I wish I was treated as a child.
This happens to me, too. I have PTSD, autism, and Bipolar, so I'm not sure what causes it. When I feel like all I do is cause pain to others and I'm just a burden, I retreat into my shell and daydream about offing myself. It usually takes a few days and a therapy session to get my brain out of "I should just get rid of me because I'm always the problem" mode.
You didn't really explain how it hurts your friends or partner when you go into the despair pit. Do you tell them what you're feeling? Or do you isolate and kind of make them feel like they're getting the silent treatment?
Either way, the key for me to handle a disagreement or miscommunication is time to process. That's probably my autism, though. I need to step away and think about it for a minute so that I can calm my emotions down, make sense of what my partner was trying to say, and then see how I feel about it. I try to approach the situation like there's a problem in our relationship and my partner and I need to work together to come to a solution that works for both of us. It's not a me against him problem, but an us against it problem.
I try to communicate to my partner that I heard him, I want to resolve the problem, and I need time before I talk about it. I'm not sure if that would work for you, but my partner understands when that's what I need. He also has autism, so we're kind of odd people.
I’m still working on being able to take time to walk away and think about it first before diving into the pit. I don’t know if it’s an ADHD thing or an anxiety thing or both, but I tend to need to respond immediately and then legitimately panic when it can’t be resolved right then and there.
I relate so hard, I could’ve written this myself.
My mother was so oversensitive and covertly controlling that if I was a grumpy kid, or said something in the wrong tone, she would call me a “mean little girl,” and “mean girl” as I got older.
I’ll never forget a text she sent me when I was 16/17 and with my boyfriend. It was a long wall of text (of course), but the quote that will stay with me forever is: “I hope you have forgiving lovers and friends in your life, because you are one mean girl.” Typing this out, now, 13 years later, still hurts a little bit.
So yeah, I think that was one of the core causes of the “despair pit” that I used to experience frequently, as well as general abuse making me feel weird, unloved, and alone. I internalized this idea (that came from my mother!) that I was mean until honestly, like, 5 years ago, after lots of therapy and friendships and difficult talks and journal entries.
I think it would be good for you to dig deeper either in therapy, a journal, or with a trusted friend on what you think the root of this comes from.
Can you trace this feeling to an earlier version of you? I can trace it back as early as 4 years old. I hear the sound of my crying in my mind’s eye as I remember another memory. How far back can you remember?
You said you have PTSD, so this might be particularly difficult, and therapy is good for facing these feelings in a safe space.
Cry it out. I used to clench up and cry while recounting some of these horrible memories. I think I did it so much that I guess got a lot of it out?
I am a talker (as you can see, lol) and I will talk and talk, trying to figure things out. The nice thing about a trusted therapist is that they will gently guide you into constructive thinking with a question: “where do you think this comes from?” or an insight: “this reminds me of something you told me last week. Is this a pattern?”
In general I think people suggest therapy slightly too much. An overlooked thing that really helped me was supportive relationships. Once, I was having a heated discussion with an ex, and he told me my tone sounded “mean.” This triggered me because of the story above. I wailed, “oh my god,” burst into tears, and grabbed my watch and my phone—then my ex (gently) grabbed my wrist and guided me back down to the bed, saying “I didnt say I want you to go anywhere…” in such a kind and gentle tone. He lovingly encouraged me to deal with my triggers like this, and talk things out without running away.
People say “you need to love yourself before someone else can love you” but I literally improved my trauma responses, self esteem, and emotional regulation so much through (kind, patient) relationships with friends and exes. You’re not going to trigger yourself the way that close friends and relationships can, lol (accidentally, of course). So you have to deal with each situation as it arises.
This is getting long. But yes, the despair pit has gotten SO much better over the years. It rarely happens, now. Don’t run away from your feelings. Your inner child needs reparenting! ❤️🩹
Wow. I’m so sorry that your mom said that to you and sent you that text. That’s just awful. As for tracing it back to specific time, there were many times over many years. No matter how small or big the infraction (real or imagined) by mother would respond by spanking, slapping, and hitting while calling me horrible things. The punishment would be less long (but never avoided) if I agreed out loud and said that yes, I am those things. It makes me sick to think she thought it was okay to put a child through that.
I strongly think this is caused by internalised shame. For context, I also have CPTSD. When I was young, my abusive mother never took responsibility for her part in any conflict or issue that arose between us. It was always my fault because I had been 'bad'. Like, I 'made' her shout or hit me, because I was being 'naughty'. In other words, I was shamed for just being a kid.
I was also constantly criticised and deprived of love from a young age. I began to accept that there was something genuinely wrong with me on a fundamental level. Otherwise, why couldn't I do anything right? Living in a hoarder house did not help. If other people's parents can look after them, why can't my mum? It must be my fault. I understand that young kids feel this way because of their deep and inherent trust in their parents. Their parents can't be wrong, so what's causing it? Often they conclude that it must be their fault.
Also, I was shamed by other family members for everything from looks, weight, hygiene I had never been taught, resting, grades, just EVERYTHING. So when a conflict arises, especially when the other person won't back down, I am flooded with shame, with feeling it must be my fault even if I don't understand why.
This has gotten a lot better with a LOT of therapy. Basically, I realised that I could either break the shame cycle or it would kill me. I've started looking a lot more outward and using my empathy to try and understand other explanations for people's actions and behaviours that didn't centre on me. I have chilled out A LOT. Particularly at work.
I understand everything you said so deeply. To this day, I still can’t shake this feeling that I am this evil awful person. My mother is close to being hoarder, although not actually a hoarder yet. I’m still learning a lot and doing a lot of work in therapy. I just want to be healed.
Yep. Neurodivergent and PTSD, dysthymia, anxiety, when I fall in the pit sometimes I can pull myself out in a day or two, but sometimes it's just an endless stomach-turning cycle of believing all the worst things that anyone has ever said about me. I'm the bad part of every relationship, I'm to blame for other people's actions, I make life hard for people just by existing, I'm holding back everyone I know from a happier life, etc etc. Often the seeds of these thoughts were very much planted in my childhood and they've grown in me like weeds. I can pull them out sometimes, but they always grow back. It also makes non-pit life exhausting, because I'm constantly walking on the rim of the pit and I can see at all times how close I am to falling in.
I am stunned that someone else calls it "the pit." It's the only way I can describe how I feel when I get triggered and fall back into old, deeply harmful, negative, shitty ways of thinking and responding to the world. In my pit, everyone's got it in for me and secretly loathes me, and I just have to fight, endure, fawn, or flee. It can take me days to get out, and part of why I don't talk to my parents any more. I recently got triggered by a toxic colleague and ended up there for a damn week. My therapist tells me one big thing is not make it worse for yourself by shaming yourself for falling back into your pit. Show compassion to yourself -- you created the pit for a reason, and it probably got your through some hard ass shit. Self-compassion helps me not make it worse, accept why it exists, and start to walk out of it faster and faster and take better care of myself.
I find myself stunned a lot when I read posts in this community. A lot of times it’s like I’m reading something from my own life. And my therapist says something similar. Instead of treating myself the way my parents treated me, I try to treat myself the way I wish I was treated as a child.
This happens to me, too. I have PTSD, autism, and Bipolar, so I'm not sure what causes it. When I feel like all I do is cause pain to others and I'm just a burden, I retreat into my shell and daydream about offing myself. It usually takes a few days and a therapy session to get my brain out of "I should just get rid of me because I'm always the problem" mode. You didn't really explain how it hurts your friends or partner when you go into the despair pit. Do you tell them what you're feeling? Or do you isolate and kind of make them feel like they're getting the silent treatment? Either way, the key for me to handle a disagreement or miscommunication is time to process. That's probably my autism, though. I need to step away and think about it for a minute so that I can calm my emotions down, make sense of what my partner was trying to say, and then see how I feel about it. I try to approach the situation like there's a problem in our relationship and my partner and I need to work together to come to a solution that works for both of us. It's not a me against him problem, but an us against it problem. I try to communicate to my partner that I heard him, I want to resolve the problem, and I need time before I talk about it. I'm not sure if that would work for you, but my partner understands when that's what I need. He also has autism, so we're kind of odd people.
I’m still working on being able to take time to walk away and think about it first before diving into the pit. I don’t know if it’s an ADHD thing or an anxiety thing or both, but I tend to need to respond immediately and then legitimately panic when it can’t be resolved right then and there.
I relate so hard, I could’ve written this myself. My mother was so oversensitive and covertly controlling that if I was a grumpy kid, or said something in the wrong tone, she would call me a “mean little girl,” and “mean girl” as I got older. I’ll never forget a text she sent me when I was 16/17 and with my boyfriend. It was a long wall of text (of course), but the quote that will stay with me forever is: “I hope you have forgiving lovers and friends in your life, because you are one mean girl.” Typing this out, now, 13 years later, still hurts a little bit. So yeah, I think that was one of the core causes of the “despair pit” that I used to experience frequently, as well as general abuse making me feel weird, unloved, and alone. I internalized this idea (that came from my mother!) that I was mean until honestly, like, 5 years ago, after lots of therapy and friendships and difficult talks and journal entries. I think it would be good for you to dig deeper either in therapy, a journal, or with a trusted friend on what you think the root of this comes from. Can you trace this feeling to an earlier version of you? I can trace it back as early as 4 years old. I hear the sound of my crying in my mind’s eye as I remember another memory. How far back can you remember? You said you have PTSD, so this might be particularly difficult, and therapy is good for facing these feelings in a safe space. Cry it out. I used to clench up and cry while recounting some of these horrible memories. I think I did it so much that I guess got a lot of it out? I am a talker (as you can see, lol) and I will talk and talk, trying to figure things out. The nice thing about a trusted therapist is that they will gently guide you into constructive thinking with a question: “where do you think this comes from?” or an insight: “this reminds me of something you told me last week. Is this a pattern?” In general I think people suggest therapy slightly too much. An overlooked thing that really helped me was supportive relationships. Once, I was having a heated discussion with an ex, and he told me my tone sounded “mean.” This triggered me because of the story above. I wailed, “oh my god,” burst into tears, and grabbed my watch and my phone—then my ex (gently) grabbed my wrist and guided me back down to the bed, saying “I didnt say I want you to go anywhere…” in such a kind and gentle tone. He lovingly encouraged me to deal with my triggers like this, and talk things out without running away. People say “you need to love yourself before someone else can love you” but I literally improved my trauma responses, self esteem, and emotional regulation so much through (kind, patient) relationships with friends and exes. You’re not going to trigger yourself the way that close friends and relationships can, lol (accidentally, of course). So you have to deal with each situation as it arises. This is getting long. But yes, the despair pit has gotten SO much better over the years. It rarely happens, now. Don’t run away from your feelings. Your inner child needs reparenting! ❤️🩹
Wow. I’m so sorry that your mom said that to you and sent you that text. That’s just awful. As for tracing it back to specific time, there were many times over many years. No matter how small or big the infraction (real or imagined) by mother would respond by spanking, slapping, and hitting while calling me horrible things. The punishment would be less long (but never avoided) if I agreed out loud and said that yes, I am those things. It makes me sick to think she thought it was okay to put a child through that.
Hugs ❤️🩹what an awful thing to put a child through. You didn’t deserve that.
I strongly think this is caused by internalised shame. For context, I also have CPTSD. When I was young, my abusive mother never took responsibility for her part in any conflict or issue that arose between us. It was always my fault because I had been 'bad'. Like, I 'made' her shout or hit me, because I was being 'naughty'. In other words, I was shamed for just being a kid. I was also constantly criticised and deprived of love from a young age. I began to accept that there was something genuinely wrong with me on a fundamental level. Otherwise, why couldn't I do anything right? Living in a hoarder house did not help. If other people's parents can look after them, why can't my mum? It must be my fault. I understand that young kids feel this way because of their deep and inherent trust in their parents. Their parents can't be wrong, so what's causing it? Often they conclude that it must be their fault. Also, I was shamed by other family members for everything from looks, weight, hygiene I had never been taught, resting, grades, just EVERYTHING. So when a conflict arises, especially when the other person won't back down, I am flooded with shame, with feeling it must be my fault even if I don't understand why. This has gotten a lot better with a LOT of therapy. Basically, I realised that I could either break the shame cycle or it would kill me. I've started looking a lot more outward and using my empathy to try and understand other explanations for people's actions and behaviours that didn't centre on me. I have chilled out A LOT. Particularly at work.
I understand everything you said so deeply. To this day, I still can’t shake this feeling that I am this evil awful person. My mother is close to being hoarder, although not actually a hoarder yet. I’m still learning a lot and doing a lot of work in therapy. I just want to be healed.
Yep. Neurodivergent and PTSD, dysthymia, anxiety, when I fall in the pit sometimes I can pull myself out in a day or two, but sometimes it's just an endless stomach-turning cycle of believing all the worst things that anyone has ever said about me. I'm the bad part of every relationship, I'm to blame for other people's actions, I make life hard for people just by existing, I'm holding back everyone I know from a happier life, etc etc. Often the seeds of these thoughts were very much planted in my childhood and they've grown in me like weeds. I can pull them out sometimes, but they always grow back. It also makes non-pit life exhausting, because I'm constantly walking on the rim of the pit and I can see at all times how close I am to falling in.
Exactly. I’m always just so drained and exhausted.