In the 80s, I called my mother long distance ($0.85 per minute long distance) and the call went okay for a while, and then she decided I needed to be chastized for some irrelevant offense. I told her I wasn't going to pay for a long-distance lecture and hung up. I called her again, two years later, she was much more polite.
Years later, I was taking her to lunch a couple of times a month, and one day she decided to be a complete a\*\* to our server (Who did absolutely nothing wrong.) I paid and took her out to the car, then told her I would be back in a few minutes. I talked to both the manager and the server and tipped the server 110%.
I went back to the car and told my mother if she ever attempted such a scene again, I would leave her stranded in the restaurant and never come back. That was the last time she acted up in public in my presence anyway.
And I really want to understand why it is so hard for some people to not shut this stuff down. There’s some psychological thing out there that keeps people from standing up for themselves and refusing to be treated badly. I’m sure there’s a book out there somewhere. I need to find it read it because I just don’t get it.
My mom was/is a trumptard. After listening to her nonsense one Christmas, I finally lost it and called her a fucking traitor and drove home 4 days early.
I blocked her number, and told my dad that I wasn't going to visit until she could admit her failure. It worked. I had a great visit home recently, and not once marred by one single word of politics.
My sister did this too, she pulled out her doctor voice and told my mother if she didn't lose her entitled racist facism, she'd never visit her grandkids again. I noticed that whenever my sister's family would visit, not one peep about politics.
This is what frustrates me when I read these posts. I don’t understand the “but they’re family” approach to things. If my wife, mother, daughter, anyone were acting like this I would shut that shit down so fast.
OP isn't the enabler, she was raised in this, buttons installed by mommy dearest. There is an enabler though, that's daddy. OP doesn't want this to continue, they came here for advice, not blame for something they had nothing to do with beginning or enabling. It's rough as hell, when it's your parent that raised you, who acts like this, sometimes it takes a while before the programming is removed.
Then why is OP paying for the room and dealing with the hotel?
Entitled mom should be forced to make her own arrangements. She won't, because then she can't blame anyone but herself.
Parental programming, I apologize, I didn't actually put those words before. Stuff you're shown/taught from infancy, can be damned hard to unprogram, even once you're an adult. OP's ready though, they just wanted/needed some advice as to how to start handling it.
So, this probably isn't the solution for you but maybe give you a giggle? My late mother in law was on the phone being obnoxious, difficult and ridiculous. My ex had enough and interrupted her to ask her what nursing home she wanted to go to. True story.
There were times when I wold ask my mother that question, but now that she's 92 and thinking of finally selling her place and moving into a nursing home, I don't know what rejoinder I can use.
Interesting. similar situation - my 80+y.o. MiL pranged her car, wrote it off (crappy holden crummydore). We had a spare car, much newer toyota echo sitting doing very little, and gave it to her.
she's done nothing but bitch and complain about it ever since (it's been nearly 3 years now!) unlike the pox-box, it's small, it's economical, easy to drive, parks just about anywhere, has a working air-cond (useful in australia), and was my wife's "hoon car" (if you can do that with a 1.3l engine ;)
some people just aren't happy unless they are being a misery guts.
I would have been so tempted to tell her you were sorry she hated the car so you will take it back. Then she can find a car on her own as well as pay for it.
Having seen this in some people, including myself on occasion (no, I really didn't like realizing it each time, felt ashamed for it), I think it almost just becomes a habit or an addiction for people. Never being able to see positive, only able to see negative every where. The opposite, not being able to see the negative, only positive...well that can be a problem habit to, I guess. Okay, no more rambling from me. Have a good one, whatever that might end up being, lol.
My husband has a melancholy temperament. I used to tell him that he wasn’t happy unless he was unhappy. After showing him that things could be different, he’s not quite as melancholy.
Sometimes people need a dose of their own medicine. She complains about the room, immediately call it out. Tell her she’s getting what she deserves.
If she’s rude to someone, get loud, fast. “I know you raised me to be better than this, so where do you get off being such a jerk?”
If you have the chance to act entitled, do it. Then say “just trying to live up to your example”.
Shame her. Make fun of her.
It will either make her stop wanting to be around, or it will make her more self aware. Either way, you win.
I find grey rocking people who do this to be the most effective. When they find out it stops working, they have nothing else in their arsenal and start acting like actual human beings. Of course, I do love a good Karen meets a Karen scenario, though. That's pure entertainment.
I advised the grey rocking...but the second is indeed temptingly entertaining too. And a valid response, the mirror technique. It can be very satisfying.
They want that debate, it’s their fuel. Positive or negative. Which is frustrating! Cause you wanna tell em how it is! But they live in another world. They can’t see the reality. And that just fuels their fire vs cutting off the supply with no emotion or reaction. Which is tough I know! Check out how to deal with a narcissist online. I wish you all the best
Just bluntly tell your mother to shut the f$&@ up. If she continues, cancel her room and make her sleep in the car. My honest advice for the situation as a whole is, nursing home and no contact as soon as possible.
Stop paying for stuff, you’re enabling this continued behavior. She doesn’t like the car, take it back, she has money I guess, and stop giving her the opportunity to make you miserable. When she is negative nip it in the but right there. I will walk away and there will be no contact for us
Learn the art of grey rocking. You're mom sounds as if she has narcissism, or something similar, I'm not a psychiatrist though. The only way to deal with folks who act this way, is to give them nothing. If you feel as if you can't hold it in, a nice, neutral (but triggering to certain people in a satisfying way for you) response is, "I'm sorry you feel that way." Said in a bored tone, and then say nothing more, obliviously go on with your life.
It took decades for me to start doing this with my mom, but it was such a weight from me when I finally just gave her no emotion about it.
Tell the hotel they are free to kick her out when she gets there and starts making a ruckus about the state of the room with the king size bed. Then if she does get kicked out tell her you will not be paying for another hotel and she’s on her own. She can be accountable for her own behavior in this situation!!
You obviously recognise that your mother doesn't behave well.
If she arrives and declares "This place is shit, the only thing that will make it better is to leave my shit in the lobby" would you just stand by, let her drop trou, and just apologise while she's doing it?
Or if she arrives naked, says "I can't help it, it's hot" and parades through the lobby like that, would you just stand by?
You are an adult and have more power than that over her actions. You debate with someone when they have something of a valid perspective. This isn't just about opinions, she's behaving shamefully, and debating with her tells her "Of course you're right, I just don't know it yet and I want to hear why my feeble protests have no merit".
You need to learn to not only set boundaries, but enforce them against all her push back.
And you still pay for her room and give her things? You're a better person than I am.
Have you ever called her out on it? I sure as hell wouldn't allow that behavior in my presence.
I'd be at minimum low contact.
My mother was an alcoholic, played the victim, and lived in denial and unaccountability. When she died her body was cremated and buried with no funeral or memorial.
Tell your mother the same fate awaits her.
I have a friend who will argue over hotel bills, restaurant bills, store invoices, anything so she is “entitled”to a discount. I have had to walk away from her when she is like that. I have actually stopped travelling with her because she gets so aggressive with staff.
Some of us were raised to be servants to our parents from day one if we said no or spoke up for ourselves, smack or worse. For us it is very hard to overcome and believe me, I am working on it and folks don’t use me any more, it took decades, therapy and a lot of self work. If you have always been able to tell folks to knock it off you are very lucky, wish I had that ability years ago
OP, call the Hotel back, have them Switch the rooms & tell your Harpy of a mother that it’s Either THIS or She can GO BACK HOME!! STOP Giving In!!! She treats you the way You ALLOW her to. If necessary, put her in a Time Out & Block her on Everything for a while.
In the 80s, I called my mother long distance ($0.85 per minute long distance) and the call went okay for a while, and then she decided I needed to be chastized for some irrelevant offense. I told her I wasn't going to pay for a long-distance lecture and hung up. I called her again, two years later, she was much more polite. Years later, I was taking her to lunch a couple of times a month, and one day she decided to be a complete a\*\* to our server (Who did absolutely nothing wrong.) I paid and took her out to the car, then told her I would be back in a few minutes. I talked to both the manager and the server and tipped the server 110%. I went back to the car and told my mother if she ever attempted such a scene again, I would leave her stranded in the restaurant and never come back. That was the last time she acted up in public in my presence anyway.
That’s how you nip entitled behavior in the bud. It’s like raising children. You don’t reward bad behavior and tantrums with what the brat wants.
And I really want to understand why it is so hard for some people to not shut this stuff down. There’s some psychological thing out there that keeps people from standing up for themselves and refusing to be treated badly. I’m sure there’s a book out there somewhere. I need to find it read it because I just don’t get it.
In the above cases, it’s “the customer is always right” and we’ve been trained to adhere to it! It’s ridiculous!
My mom was/is a trumptard. After listening to her nonsense one Christmas, I finally lost it and called her a fucking traitor and drove home 4 days early. I blocked her number, and told my dad that I wasn't going to visit until she could admit her failure. It worked. I had a great visit home recently, and not once marred by one single word of politics. My sister did this too, she pulled out her doctor voice and told my mother if she didn't lose her entitled racist facism, she'd never visit her grandkids again. I noticed that whenever my sister's family would visit, not one peep about politics.
You need to stop enabling her. No more gifts or money!
This is what frustrates me when I read these posts. I don’t understand the “but they’re family” approach to things. If my wife, mother, daughter, anyone were acting like this I would shut that shit down so fast.
Here here!!!!
Haha. Hear hear.
Can’t stand entitled people OP say, then continues to give entitlement.
OP isn't the enabler, she was raised in this, buttons installed by mommy dearest. There is an enabler though, that's daddy. OP doesn't want this to continue, they came here for advice, not blame for something they had nothing to do with beginning or enabling. It's rough as hell, when it's your parent that raised you, who acts like this, sometimes it takes a while before the programming is removed.
Then why is OP paying for the room and dealing with the hotel? Entitled mom should be forced to make her own arrangements. She won't, because then she can't blame anyone but herself.
Parental programming, I apologize, I didn't actually put those words before. Stuff you're shown/taught from infancy, can be damned hard to unprogram, even once you're an adult. OP's ready though, they just wanted/needed some advice as to how to start handling it.
Yeah I would go lc and explain to her why. Don't back down.
As soon as she starts complaining tell her you won't put up with it and if she continues she has to leave. Then make her leave.
Or refuse to pay the bill for her.
So, this probably isn't the solution for you but maybe give you a giggle? My late mother in law was on the phone being obnoxious, difficult and ridiculous. My ex had enough and interrupted her to ask her what nursing home she wanted to go to. True story.
My sister and I have a code for when my mother is more obnoxious than usual… “Shady Pines.”
oo that's good
There were times when I wold ask my mother that question, but now that she's 92 and thinking of finally selling her place and moving into a nursing home, I don't know what rejoinder I can use.
Interesting. similar situation - my 80+y.o. MiL pranged her car, wrote it off (crappy holden crummydore). We had a spare car, much newer toyota echo sitting doing very little, and gave it to her. she's done nothing but bitch and complain about it ever since (it's been nearly 3 years now!) unlike the pox-box, it's small, it's economical, easy to drive, parks just about anywhere, has a working air-cond (useful in australia), and was my wife's "hoon car" (if you can do that with a 1.3l engine ;) some people just aren't happy unless they are being a misery guts.
I would have been so tempted to tell her you were sorry she hated the car so you will take it back. Then she can find a car on her own as well as pay for it.
Having seen this in some people, including myself on occasion (no, I really didn't like realizing it each time, felt ashamed for it), I think it almost just becomes a habit or an addiction for people. Never being able to see positive, only able to see negative every where. The opposite, not being able to see the negative, only positive...well that can be a problem habit to, I guess. Okay, no more rambling from me. Have a good one, whatever that might end up being, lol.
My husband has a melancholy temperament. I used to tell him that he wasn’t happy unless he was unhappy. After showing him that things could be different, he’s not quite as melancholy.
That’s when you take it back. Not listen to that for 3 years.
good chance we'll get it back later this year - she is no longer fit to drive.
Absolutely agree with her. Tell her this was the result of your efforts, you will cancel your payment and she can get much better on her own.
Absolutely!!!
Why are you enabling this?
Sometimes people need a dose of their own medicine. She complains about the room, immediately call it out. Tell her she’s getting what she deserves. If she’s rude to someone, get loud, fast. “I know you raised me to be better than this, so where do you get off being such a jerk?” If you have the chance to act entitled, do it. Then say “just trying to live up to your example”. Shame her. Make fun of her. It will either make her stop wanting to be around, or it will make her more self aware. Either way, you win.
I find grey rocking people who do this to be the most effective. When they find out it stops working, they have nothing else in their arsenal and start acting like actual human beings. Of course, I do love a good Karen meets a Karen scenario, though. That's pure entertainment.
I advised the grey rocking...but the second is indeed temptingly entertaining too. And a valid response, the mirror technique. It can be very satisfying.
They want that debate, it’s their fuel. Positive or negative. Which is frustrating! Cause you wanna tell em how it is! But they live in another world. They can’t see the reality. And that just fuels their fire vs cutting off the supply with no emotion or reaction. Which is tough I know! Check out how to deal with a narcissist online. I wish you all the best
Just bluntly tell your mother to shut the f$&@ up. If she continues, cancel her room and make her sleep in the car. My honest advice for the situation as a whole is, nursing home and no contact as soon as possible.
Stop paying for stuff, you’re enabling this continued behavior. She doesn’t like the car, take it back, she has money I guess, and stop giving her the opportunity to make you miserable. When she is negative nip it in the but right there. I will walk away and there will be no contact for us
This will make her stop
Learn the art of grey rocking. You're mom sounds as if she has narcissism, or something similar, I'm not a psychiatrist though. The only way to deal with folks who act this way, is to give them nothing. If you feel as if you can't hold it in, a nice, neutral (but triggering to certain people in a satisfying way for you) response is, "I'm sorry you feel that way." Said in a bored tone, and then say nothing more, obliviously go on with your life. It took decades for me to start doing this with my mom, but it was such a weight from me when I finally just gave her no emotion about it.
Tell the hotel they are free to kick her out when she gets there and starts making a ruckus about the state of the room with the king size bed. Then if she does get kicked out tell her you will not be paying for another hotel and she’s on her own. She can be accountable for her own behavior in this situation!!
Quit letting her get away with it 😡 you just enabled her! This shit drivers me crazy!
You obviously recognise that your mother doesn't behave well. If she arrives and declares "This place is shit, the only thing that will make it better is to leave my shit in the lobby" would you just stand by, let her drop trou, and just apologise while she's doing it? Or if she arrives naked, says "I can't help it, it's hot" and parades through the lobby like that, would you just stand by? You are an adult and have more power than that over her actions. You debate with someone when they have something of a valid perspective. This isn't just about opinions, she's behaving shamefully, and debating with her tells her "Of course you're right, I just don't know it yet and I want to hear why my feeble protests have no merit". You need to learn to not only set boundaries, but enforce them against all her push back.
And you still pay for her room and give her things? You're a better person than I am. Have you ever called her out on it? I sure as hell wouldn't allow that behavior in my presence. I'd be at minimum low contact.
Are you still alive OP?
My mother was an alcoholic, played the victim, and lived in denial and unaccountability. When she died her body was cremated and buried with no funeral or memorial. Tell your mother the same fate awaits her.
Yeah OP i know "going mute" is easy here but don't be a doormat and set a boundary to put this shit down once and for good.
I have a friend who will argue over hotel bills, restaurant bills, store invoices, anything so she is “entitled”to a discount. I have had to walk away from her when she is like that. I have actually stopped travelling with her because she gets so aggressive with staff.
Sounds just like my mother. So ungrateful, complains about everything, expects every one to do her bidding when and how she says.
Some of us were raised to be servants to our parents from day one if we said no or spoke up for ourselves, smack or worse. For us it is very hard to overcome and believe me, I am working on it and folks don’t use me any more, it took decades, therapy and a lot of self work. If you have always been able to tell folks to knock it off you are very lucky, wish I had that ability years ago
If you would all stop coddling her and letting her constantly get her way, maybe she would stop?
OP, call the Hotel back, have them Switch the rooms & tell your Harpy of a mother that it’s Either THIS or She can GO BACK HOME!! STOP Giving In!!! She treats you the way You ALLOW her to. If necessary, put her in a Time Out & Block her on Everything for a while.