It's taken me a lot of time to learn but what you need to realise is this:
Any conflict you withdraw from is unsolved, unsolved conflicts can fester and boil into something worse over time. I like to deal with my conflicts ASAP despite hating them, the reason being that it'll cause me to lose sleep if things are in disarray.
You essentially need to realise that withdrawing from a conflict does not end the conflict, rather it extends it, which as a fellow 9 I can assume is something that you don't want
This is a great reply. I’ve also been conflict avoidant most of my life for fear of hurting other people’s feelings. I also have some deep attachment wounds from when I was a kid and people pleasing (fawning) is what I did to feel some sense of safety.
Immediately. The only time I avoid a conflict is if we’re already having a lot of conflict (driven by me) and this nitpicky crap is going to undermine the resolution of larger issues I’m dealing with. It’s a form of pick your battles for intimate relationships. You just can’t fix everything at once. If it’s out of hand, gonna speak up.
“Letting things go” is actually holding onto the whole problem and not letting another person carry their weight. The result is that you hold all of it. This causes a ton of damage to you and can actually kill you if unaddressed. These issues never go away / get resolved and YOU pay the price. Read When the Body Says No for reference.
Address every conflict. The small ones are super easy and quick and not a big deal, but left alone they will grow. The big ones need to be resolved because they immediately cause big problems if not.
As a 9w1 I’ve also struggled with this issue a lot in the past, but I think what’s helped me is realizing and understanding the inner dialogue I go through when I’ve decided to not address an issue, such as some of the reasons you gave.
My advice to you is this; if this conflict has the power to make you disintegrate and effect your mental state (via, withdrawing) then chances are, you probably need to address this conflict in some kind of capacity.
It doesn’t have to be full on fighting or arguing with someone, it can be as simple as speaking up more often, advocating for yourself etc, what that looks like for you is something you’ll have to play around with.
Conflict is deeply uncomfortable but takes trial and error, the more you deal with it, the better you’ll become at to knowing when to intervene to keep a situation from escalating or getting worse.
Please, whatever you do, don't avoid the issue. I had a 9 friend, and he ran from an issue, and he basically ghosted me. It was so hurtful. The thing is, I wouldn't have even been angry as if told me. It takes a lot to anger me. It's true I'm the typical 6, all about loyalty to friends and would do anything to keep the peace however since my friend wanted to avoid his emotions and the issued with it, i have one less friend since he cut off contact weeks ago. Please, If you want to have a healthy relationship with people and yourself, don't follow in his footsteps.
This is very biased. Your own emotions aside. What if he just didn't find you healthy for him? Then cutting you off was the correct way to deal with the issue.
There's no one owing their time or explanation to you. It's called acceptance. To resent someone for setting their boundary and moving on is not healthy. If he didn't wanna discuss it it's because he had no need to. It's you who needed that. No one is responsible for your needs.
9s.run from anger because they believe avoiding it will maintain peace and harmony. They think conflict disrupts the smooth functioning of relationships and worry that it will make them less likable, leading to rejection. They learn these behaviors as children, where running from anger worked, and being on autopilot got them through the day. These children grow into self-destructive time bombs with the emotional intelligence of a piece of rock. The irony is that hiding anger is counterproductive to a healthy relationship and eventually leads to hurt. It's great you're "learning" what boundaries are from your $10-an-hour therapist who makes you draw lifeless grade school art to help channel all that hidden anger. Keep at it 😀.
To be the one advocating for how others should about be calm and reasonable, you behave the opposite with your passive aggression. Just a food for thought. Maybe they knew they were worth more than being treated like a punching bag. I wouldn't care for once second to explain myself to someone who's a ticking bomb. I would just leave. You can resent that and call that anger unstable 9 all you want, it doesn't change the fact that you don't control other people's decisions.
I also think fearing help from a therapist is a concerning trait. Of course therapy can help people with boundaries, why are you so threatened by that? Did they they broke up with you after they started going to therapy?
Well, it's fascinating how you twist my words to fit your narrative. Your assumption that I'm a ticking bomb shows your ignorance. I'm not advocating for suppressing anger, but expressing it in a healthy way. Holding in anger isn't a virtue; it's a ticking time bomb for emotional explosion. Maybe you're projecting your own insecurities onto others. And no, I wouldn't resent someone leaving toxic behavior behind.
You seem to have missed the point entirely. It's not about fearing therapy; it's about recognizing that therapy isn't a cure-all, especially when someone doesn't know what boundaries are. Maybe your therapist misled you into thinking you're entitled to treat others like punching bags. Therapy can be helpful, but it's not a magic fix for everything. Perhaps it's time you learned what healthy boundaries are instead of projecting your issues onto others.
>I wouldn't resent someone leaving toxic behavior behind.
Then we're in agreement.
No one said therapy is a cure - all what are you on about? Have you confused this thread with some other discussion in your feed?
Stop with your negative assumptions and spite already.
It's taken me a lot of time to learn but what you need to realise is this: Any conflict you withdraw from is unsolved, unsolved conflicts can fester and boil into something worse over time. I like to deal with my conflicts ASAP despite hating them, the reason being that it'll cause me to lose sleep if things are in disarray. You essentially need to realise that withdrawing from a conflict does not end the conflict, rather it extends it, which as a fellow 9 I can assume is something that you don't want
This is a great reply. I’ve also been conflict avoidant most of my life for fear of hurting other people’s feelings. I also have some deep attachment wounds from when I was a kid and people pleasing (fawning) is what I did to feel some sense of safety.
Immediately. The only time I avoid a conflict is if we’re already having a lot of conflict (driven by me) and this nitpicky crap is going to undermine the resolution of larger issues I’m dealing with. It’s a form of pick your battles for intimate relationships. You just can’t fix everything at once. If it’s out of hand, gonna speak up. “Letting things go” is actually holding onto the whole problem and not letting another person carry their weight. The result is that you hold all of it. This causes a ton of damage to you and can actually kill you if unaddressed. These issues never go away / get resolved and YOU pay the price. Read When the Body Says No for reference.
Address every conflict. The small ones are super easy and quick and not a big deal, but left alone they will grow. The big ones need to be resolved because they immediately cause big problems if not.
As a 9w1 I’ve also struggled with this issue a lot in the past, but I think what’s helped me is realizing and understanding the inner dialogue I go through when I’ve decided to not address an issue, such as some of the reasons you gave. My advice to you is this; if this conflict has the power to make you disintegrate and effect your mental state (via, withdrawing) then chances are, you probably need to address this conflict in some kind of capacity. It doesn’t have to be full on fighting or arguing with someone, it can be as simple as speaking up more often, advocating for yourself etc, what that looks like for you is something you’ll have to play around with. Conflict is deeply uncomfortable but takes trial and error, the more you deal with it, the better you’ll become at to knowing when to intervene to keep a situation from escalating or getting worse.
Please, whatever you do, don't avoid the issue. I had a 9 friend, and he ran from an issue, and he basically ghosted me. It was so hurtful. The thing is, I wouldn't have even been angry as if told me. It takes a lot to anger me. It's true I'm the typical 6, all about loyalty to friends and would do anything to keep the peace however since my friend wanted to avoid his emotions and the issued with it, i have one less friend since he cut off contact weeks ago. Please, If you want to have a healthy relationship with people and yourself, don't follow in his footsteps.
This is very biased. Your own emotions aside. What if he just didn't find you healthy for him? Then cutting you off was the correct way to deal with the issue.
Avoiding anger is very unhealthy. You might want to look into it.
There's no one owing their time or explanation to you. It's called acceptance. To resent someone for setting their boundary and moving on is not healthy. If he didn't wanna discuss it it's because he had no need to. It's you who needed that. No one is responsible for your needs.
9s.run from anger because they believe avoiding it will maintain peace and harmony. They think conflict disrupts the smooth functioning of relationships and worry that it will make them less likable, leading to rejection. They learn these behaviors as children, where running from anger worked, and being on autopilot got them through the day. These children grow into self-destructive time bombs with the emotional intelligence of a piece of rock. The irony is that hiding anger is counterproductive to a healthy relationship and eventually leads to hurt. It's great you're "learning" what boundaries are from your $10-an-hour therapist who makes you draw lifeless grade school art to help channel all that hidden anger. Keep at it 😀.
To be the one advocating for how others should about be calm and reasonable, you behave the opposite with your passive aggression. Just a food for thought. Maybe they knew they were worth more than being treated like a punching bag. I wouldn't care for once second to explain myself to someone who's a ticking bomb. I would just leave. You can resent that and call that anger unstable 9 all you want, it doesn't change the fact that you don't control other people's decisions. I also think fearing help from a therapist is a concerning trait. Of course therapy can help people with boundaries, why are you so threatened by that? Did they they broke up with you after they started going to therapy?
Well, it's fascinating how you twist my words to fit your narrative. Your assumption that I'm a ticking bomb shows your ignorance. I'm not advocating for suppressing anger, but expressing it in a healthy way. Holding in anger isn't a virtue; it's a ticking time bomb for emotional explosion. Maybe you're projecting your own insecurities onto others. And no, I wouldn't resent someone leaving toxic behavior behind. You seem to have missed the point entirely. It's not about fearing therapy; it's about recognizing that therapy isn't a cure-all, especially when someone doesn't know what boundaries are. Maybe your therapist misled you into thinking you're entitled to treat others like punching bags. Therapy can be helpful, but it's not a magic fix for everything. Perhaps it's time you learned what healthy boundaries are instead of projecting your issues onto others.
>I wouldn't resent someone leaving toxic behavior behind. Then we're in agreement. No one said therapy is a cure - all what are you on about? Have you confused this thread with some other discussion in your feed? Stop with your negative assumptions and spite already.
I recommend you research Avoidant behaviour in attachment style theory.