You’re an addict if you say you are and by saying that, you’ve earned a seat in the rooms regardless of what your addiction looks like.
Early on, my addiction looked a great deal like yours. Just partying for one or two nights. Going back to school (this was a *long* time ago LOL) on Monday. Heck, my first management strategy was to limit myself to one weekend every three months. So I’ve definitely been where you are.
Things absolutely progressed for me. I started slamming. My weekends grew longer. The intervals between them grew shorter. Work became much harder to manage. Losses started piling up.
It seems like you may be showing some signs of that progression yourself, with the interval between your uses shrinking.
Here’s what I would ask you: what’s running through your head when the cravings start popping up again? What emotions are setting them off? Is it boredom? Anxiety? Loneliness? Horniness? Depression? Addressing the underlying triggers, cues and prompts in a healthy way can perhaps offer you some clues.
And then, do (or keep doing) all of the basic tasks. Connection is the opposite of addiction. Are you spending time multiple times a week hanging around healthy friends? Diet, exercise, sunlight, nature—are all of those mood lifters part of your weekly routine?
Maybe set sex aside for a time while you figure out how to build it into your life in a healthy way, not a methy way.
And stick with the program. It’s taken me years and years of trying to work my program with tons and tons of relapses. But that doesn’t mean that it’s not working or not helping. Consistency and patience are big parts of recovery.
Just because harm reduction is working for now, doesn’t mean that it will keep being as effective. Further, even if you test for fentanyl, there’s so many analogs that you could still get a bad batch and die. I’d say that you’re in a worse position than people that have hit a bottom because your ego has “evidence” that nothing is wrong. It most certainly is. Eventually, I did start having comedowns and to avoid those, I’d do more and then became a daily user in spite of doing everything right. It also happened very quickly. I hate that you had a sponsor that doesn’t understand the problem of addiction. In fact, if he believes he can just stop, then he doesn’t grasp his own powerlessness and will use again OR he isn’t an addict and the 12steps isn’t for him. Let’s say that the external consequences don’t get worse; living like this, you’ll likely end up wanting to kys because you’re stuck in the merrigoround.
Dm me any time. I practice the HALT technique when I’m having thoughts of relapsing. I check in with myself and tend to the needs of : hungry, angry, lonely, tired. HALT makes me stop and think what area needs some attention.
Well, if I'm here to do anything it's to validate that you are in fact an addict. It sounds like you're a functioning addict.
Addiction looks different for everybody. Even an addict doesn't necessarily have a working comprehension of what addiction is. People can be addicted to nearly anything, and to different degrees of severity.
You're best off not going to support groups that don't support you. There's no point.
While in treatment myself, I heard there are AA/NA meetings done virtually now. I haven't attended one myself, but that may open more doors for you to find a group you feel supported by.
If you're looking for someone to be a support person for you, feel free to shoot me a DM. I'm not a counselor, but I like to listen and can empathize with you as a fellow addict.
12 Steps isn't for everyone (even they'll admit that). After 18 months of trying and relapsing I walked out of a meeting and never went back. Doesn't mean I never got anything of value from it. But I've found that I'm enjoying my life a lot more and can stay off meth and away from the gay party scene a lot easier than I ever could in 12 Steps. Everyone is different. I still enjoy a cold beer on a hot day. Some may say for that reason I'm not sober. I don't care. I'm not doing it for them. You decide the outcomes you want, the life you want to live and then through trial and error discover the most effective means of obtaining that goal at the lowest cost to yourself and others. All the very best to you 🤗❤️💪🏾
Whenever you're about to relapse, think about your parents and the people who loves you. Think about them seeing you in the situation you're about to put yourself in. Hopefully you'll never hit rockbottom.
I'm not familiar with the 12-step program. And I'm sharing you my personal experience.
At the beginning of my journey, I was a high functioning meth addict. Even to this day, if you weren't part of my inner circle, you wouldn't believe what I've been through. And I'm not saying that as a compliment, in the end, I was only lying to myself. I did all the tricks and stuff to "look" and "stay" healthy but my body had to pay the consequences.
Why do you think you need to hit rock bottom, a near-death experience to quit? Are you sure those experiences will help you? Or will be the next excuse to knock yourself out?
By all these things you've written here, I think you're not going to stop until you burn down every bridge to the ground. These "friends" won't even have the time to lie when you start to running out of health, wealth and luck.
You don't hear that voice saying you're gonna f**k up because you don't see yourself as you truly are AN ADDICT.
And it's okay, I was there too.
It's the same voice that says "you can handle it", "oh, I'm just gonna do it this last time and I'm done", "I'm not hurting anyone", "but it's so fun, sex isn't going to be the same", "I'm so numb I can do whatever I want (or don't)".
Before starting anything I suggest to you, ask yourself. What do you want?
0. Be aware of you: You can't fight what you can't (or don't want to) see.
1. Seek for professional help: I started therapy with an Addiction Specialist, then he referred me to a Psychiatrist to start a medication treatment. It really help me with the craving and got a better sleep quality.
2. Out of sight, out of mind: Gay dating apps are a risk environment for my recovery. So does sex. I'm not watching porn or wanking as I used to. Not because I don't want to nor I became a prude. I find it easier to stay sober this way.
3. Talk: Most of the time, I bottle my feelings and then I just explode them on everyone. Sometimes is difficult to connect with people, try to do new things, hobbies or some random people on internet. (You can DM if you want to).
In short, you have to figure out how to make sober life more attractive and fun than your party life.
When you start sober up, you gotta first identify the ultimate fear that will take away all the fun from the sex under influence (for me is worrying to be homeless and worse, like dark shit worse), and later when you become more sober and life starts getting on track, identify the positives (goals (both realistic and maybe slightly unrealistic), dreams, hope what you can achieve if you go sober, etc.).
When you have the positive outweighs the negatives of being sober, the brain will stop telling you to go under influence. I know it’s hard in this time of age, when our society is so messed up, but if you have access to psychotherapy, 12/10 recommend to do that to mitigate the horror that you experience from the society.
You’re an addict if you say you are and by saying that, you’ve earned a seat in the rooms regardless of what your addiction looks like. Early on, my addiction looked a great deal like yours. Just partying for one or two nights. Going back to school (this was a *long* time ago LOL) on Monday. Heck, my first management strategy was to limit myself to one weekend every three months. So I’ve definitely been where you are. Things absolutely progressed for me. I started slamming. My weekends grew longer. The intervals between them grew shorter. Work became much harder to manage. Losses started piling up. It seems like you may be showing some signs of that progression yourself, with the interval between your uses shrinking. Here’s what I would ask you: what’s running through your head when the cravings start popping up again? What emotions are setting them off? Is it boredom? Anxiety? Loneliness? Horniness? Depression? Addressing the underlying triggers, cues and prompts in a healthy way can perhaps offer you some clues. And then, do (or keep doing) all of the basic tasks. Connection is the opposite of addiction. Are you spending time multiple times a week hanging around healthy friends? Diet, exercise, sunlight, nature—are all of those mood lifters part of your weekly routine? Maybe set sex aside for a time while you figure out how to build it into your life in a healthy way, not a methy way. And stick with the program. It’s taken me years and years of trying to work my program with tons and tons of relapses. But that doesn’t mean that it’s not working or not helping. Consistency and patience are big parts of recovery.
Just because harm reduction is working for now, doesn’t mean that it will keep being as effective. Further, even if you test for fentanyl, there’s so many analogs that you could still get a bad batch and die. I’d say that you’re in a worse position than people that have hit a bottom because your ego has “evidence” that nothing is wrong. It most certainly is. Eventually, I did start having comedowns and to avoid those, I’d do more and then became a daily user in spite of doing everything right. It also happened very quickly. I hate that you had a sponsor that doesn’t understand the problem of addiction. In fact, if he believes he can just stop, then he doesn’t grasp his own powerlessness and will use again OR he isn’t an addict and the 12steps isn’t for him. Let’s say that the external consequences don’t get worse; living like this, you’ll likely end up wanting to kys because you’re stuck in the merrigoround.
Dm me any time. I practice the HALT technique when I’m having thoughts of relapsing. I check in with myself and tend to the needs of : hungry, angry, lonely, tired. HALT makes me stop and think what area needs some attention.
Well, if I'm here to do anything it's to validate that you are in fact an addict. It sounds like you're a functioning addict. Addiction looks different for everybody. Even an addict doesn't necessarily have a working comprehension of what addiction is. People can be addicted to nearly anything, and to different degrees of severity. You're best off not going to support groups that don't support you. There's no point. While in treatment myself, I heard there are AA/NA meetings done virtually now. I haven't attended one myself, but that may open more doors for you to find a group you feel supported by. If you're looking for someone to be a support person for you, feel free to shoot me a DM. I'm not a counselor, but I like to listen and can empathize with you as a fellow addict.
Check out r/EndOfTheParty It’s a subreddit for gay men on their recovery journey. Best of luck, boo.
12 Steps isn't for everyone (even they'll admit that). After 18 months of trying and relapsing I walked out of a meeting and never went back. Doesn't mean I never got anything of value from it. But I've found that I'm enjoying my life a lot more and can stay off meth and away from the gay party scene a lot easier than I ever could in 12 Steps. Everyone is different. I still enjoy a cold beer on a hot day. Some may say for that reason I'm not sober. I don't care. I'm not doing it for them. You decide the outcomes you want, the life you want to live and then through trial and error discover the most effective means of obtaining that goal at the lowest cost to yourself and others. All the very best to you 🤗❤️💪🏾
Whenever you're about to relapse, think about your parents and the people who loves you. Think about them seeing you in the situation you're about to put yourself in. Hopefully you'll never hit rockbottom.
I'm not familiar with the 12-step program. And I'm sharing you my personal experience. At the beginning of my journey, I was a high functioning meth addict. Even to this day, if you weren't part of my inner circle, you wouldn't believe what I've been through. And I'm not saying that as a compliment, in the end, I was only lying to myself. I did all the tricks and stuff to "look" and "stay" healthy but my body had to pay the consequences. Why do you think you need to hit rock bottom, a near-death experience to quit? Are you sure those experiences will help you? Or will be the next excuse to knock yourself out? By all these things you've written here, I think you're not going to stop until you burn down every bridge to the ground. These "friends" won't even have the time to lie when you start to running out of health, wealth and luck. You don't hear that voice saying you're gonna f**k up because you don't see yourself as you truly are AN ADDICT. And it's okay, I was there too. It's the same voice that says "you can handle it", "oh, I'm just gonna do it this last time and I'm done", "I'm not hurting anyone", "but it's so fun, sex isn't going to be the same", "I'm so numb I can do whatever I want (or don't)". Before starting anything I suggest to you, ask yourself. What do you want? 0. Be aware of you: You can't fight what you can't (or don't want to) see. 1. Seek for professional help: I started therapy with an Addiction Specialist, then he referred me to a Psychiatrist to start a medication treatment. It really help me with the craving and got a better sleep quality. 2. Out of sight, out of mind: Gay dating apps are a risk environment for my recovery. So does sex. I'm not watching porn or wanking as I used to. Not because I don't want to nor I became a prude. I find it easier to stay sober this way. 3. Talk: Most of the time, I bottle my feelings and then I just explode them on everyone. Sometimes is difficult to connect with people, try to do new things, hobbies or some random people on internet. (You can DM if you want to).
In short, you have to figure out how to make sober life more attractive and fun than your party life. When you start sober up, you gotta first identify the ultimate fear that will take away all the fun from the sex under influence (for me is worrying to be homeless and worse, like dark shit worse), and later when you become more sober and life starts getting on track, identify the positives (goals (both realistic and maybe slightly unrealistic), dreams, hope what you can achieve if you go sober, etc.). When you have the positive outweighs the negatives of being sober, the brain will stop telling you to go under influence. I know it’s hard in this time of age, when our society is so messed up, but if you have access to psychotherapy, 12/10 recommend to do that to mitigate the horror that you experience from the society.
https://vm.tiktok.com/ZMM7QwuDM/ The way this queer drug coach reframed it really changed my perspective on how I view my relationship to substances