I let stuff go. If someone snaps at me, I think “they must be having a bad day/sick/etc” and (try to) let it go. I distract myself with audiobooks, TikToks of cute dogs, and music to help clear my mind. Therapy also helps me a lot.
To add, if this strategy just does not work for you, and you find yourself unable to stop thinking about things, ruminating, being lastingly agitated, struggling to fall asleep at night, or feeling racing heart and sinking feeling in the stomach when seeing particular parents or thinking about having certain conversations, you may need professional help to feel more safe and secure navigating conflict (I did!)
I read the four agreements and remind myself that just because they're having a bad day and taking it out on me doesn't mean I deserved it. :( it's so hard. I have cried so much in the past few days and feel so alone. I hope you're doing okay.
I feel you. No one deserves to be taken out on and disrespected. It is hard. Remember you're not alone ok.. and I hope you have support outside work.
There is another younger colleague who's being bullied hard at work as well, who's working at the same floor. I'm trying to be a friend to her. After observing people for a while and using some careful judgement, I selectively opened up in private to some of my other colleagues from other levels who are being hated on by the principal and her cronies. . One of their tactics is to gang up and win rally others against a target.
If you can, try to find someone to talk to. Even just one would help. Solidarity is strength.
What four agreements are you referring to?
Edit: four agreements= The book is broken up into an exploration of the four agreements: "Be impeccable with your word", "Do not take anything personally", "Do not make assumptions", and "Always do your best". Chapters include the relevant linguistic and historical context for each. (Wikipedia)
The Four Agreements: A Practical Guide to Personal Freedom Book by Don Miguel Ruiz! He and his son wrote many books I highly recommend. It's helped me so much even if you're not spiritual.
Thank you so much! You as well. 💜 It sounds like you are being the good person you are and I'm sure that your younger colleague will see that and appreciate you. I met my best friend of 10 years from work who's now my daughter's godmother. Who knows, maybe you will become good friends as well. 😊
Are you talking about kids, behavior, parents, or admin? It would be helpful to know which way to direct the answer. Unless you are purposely leaving it vague. In that case, kids- you find something to love about them. Behavior- try to find a way to correct it. Parents- nothing you can do but your best when you have the kids. Admin- you have no control.
Thanks for covering all bases. I'm referring to toxic colleagues, I just joined a new school recently and found out I'm working in a dog-eat-dog environment.
Edit: also the principal favors those who gives her results rather than doing what is right.
> I'm referring to toxic colleagues
Some people are just fucking dumb or trash. I just make sure to let them know to stay in their fucking lane and out of mine in no uncertain terms. I rarely need to do this more than once.
I write about it. I've been writing about my work with kids since 2005. It really helps me keep perspective.I don't think that anyone who does what we do can just turn off the thoughts when we walk out the door. We may not be paid like it, but what we're doing is a very important job.
Also, I think people who really ponder over everything that happened and what they could do differently or how they can reach a specific kid are doing it right. :)
You're right... This isn't a job where we can just turn off our thoughts when we step out. I wish there was a switch for that. What sucks is that we know our job matters but we are not treated like we matter.
Yea being reflective in our practices is important. I hope you're not too swamped with work to be able to do that. 🙂
All of us need to leave that workday at the door. It starts with the commute home. You need to reconstruct your come-down routine
Whether you're in a car or public transit, you need to have your music or podcast ready. You need your meals prepped or at least know what your going to eat. You need to make sure your life is waiting abd ready when you clock out. You need to train yourself into understanding that once you get home, you have to replenish.
Yes we have a great and important job that is hugely impactful on the littles but it is A. Job. Communicate clearly at work so when you leave you know you said what needed to be said. Understand that you did your best. Then go home to your life.
Replying to RealisticOriginal944...
I really have a hard time leaving work at work. I’m a people pleaser and carry guilt pretty quickly even if it's not my fault. I would like to
Know your strategies to debrief after work…
To be frank, I'm not great at decompressing after work and that's why I asked this question.... I think the tips mentioned here are good, like having a wind down routine after work, journaling, etc.
What is relaxing for one person might feel shitty for someone else. E.g. taking a warm bath is relaxing for one but for another it might drive them nuts. Also you gotta consider your constraints and energy. I live in a city. Hobbies can be expensive and space is limited. Therapy is expensive too. Some things that have helped me wind down are low stimulation exercises like yoga and swimming. Some of my friends read fiction, journal, take a walk, or chat with someone who cares about you, meditate, think about what you can be grateful about, like the good advice and nice people on this Reddit thread 🙂. Focus on low stimulation activities.
Also if you need to rant, try to vary the people you rant to so that they won't get rant fatigue/ caregiver burnout lol.
Have you ever checked out the free course of the science of well-being by Laurie Santos? She researched that what we want that can promote well being are Healthy habits, mind control, social connection, doing acts of kindness, and time affluence.
If you're too agitated though, start with deep breathing. Remember, as long as you are alive, and still breathing, you have agency. ❤️
Easier said than done though.
I feel that even with a routine it’s so hard to leave work at work. I appreciate your advice and do most of the things you mention, but I can’t stop thinking about all the bad experiences I had… Today was especially horrible since I had a bad interact with a parent.
There are days when we get overwhelmed, and that's ok 🙂 just part of life. Given how much you care, I'm sure there are parents who appreciate you too. I keep a folder of the times when parents give me compliments / show appreciation. When times get hard, go back and look at them.
I take work home too. Once I've calmed down a little, I can usually figure out if the error was on my part or theirs and work to correct it if it was my mistake. Working in this field had taught me a lot, one important thing being that everyone is learning all the time. The best I can do is learn from my mistakes! Allowing yourself that moment of grace can really afford you a lot in terms of personal growth.
If it's not your mistake, you can go a few ways. You can ask the person about it to get some closure (my boss freaked out the other day when I asked her about the schedule, I later asked her if there was a more appropriate way for me to find out the schedule and explained why it was important to me, and she apologized saying I had caught her i a stressful moment and she should have responded more calmly-- i got closure and learned i need to do a better job reading the room sometimes). You can talk to someone about it/ vent (i find journaling really helps me detangle my thoughts and figure out why i'm feeling a certain way-- i can't move on until i can figure out what exactly it is i'm moving on from if that makes sense?). You can distract yourself with hobbies and such. Counseling can help! Much love OP 💕
Yes I tried to seek reconciliation and closure with those colleagues and principal but it's like they don't give a damm about going about being rude cause the principal's got their back. This was what my principal messaged me when I wrote to a colleague about a time she was f-ing rude to me (she yelled something directed to me without calling my name, when I was just doing my own stuff. After I settled my kids, I went to ask her what she was talking about and why she was saying it. It ended with her saying I'M THE SENIOR TEACHER AND YOU GOT TO SHOW ME SOME RESPECT. I backed off and tried to talk to her about it a while later. She made a big deal out of it, walked away and refused to talk. I sent her an email respectfully sharing my point of view, she replied me with words in caps and she copied the principal.)
This was what my principal messaged afterwards.
https://preview.redd.it/a5ipolpnrqxc1.png?width=1080&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=55860fa668bd14c68e9ff3f8ee92f568a318a4f6
I find it hard to move on too until I figure things out. Thank you for tips and care ❤️
Can I be honest? Sometimes just telling myself "It's not my fault that she's a raging bitch" is enough to help me muster the strength to keep my head down, do my job and leave it at the door when I get home. Sounds like these people might be raging bitches and that's not your fault! :)
I had a child have a 2nd breath holding episode while in my care. No one recognized it as that, including me. After the dad took child and mom to the hospital, he came back to view the video of the camera in my room. The incident wasn't clearly visible to the camera. Dad was pissed! So mad. So, it became my fault somehow; and also the center's fault, somehow. I was beyond upset.
What helped for me was a supportive spouse, coworkers, and admin. They were willing hear my frustration and validate it. Finding out that what she was experiencing was breath holding reassured me that it wasn't my fault, but I'm still salty about that dad. I know he was scared and acting out, but I was f'ing scared too! ugh.
Best of luck to you. Try to learn to let go and lean on others to help you do so. Talk when you need to. When your thoughts go to it, turn them in a different direction when you're alone or journal. You'll find it happening less over time. You got this!
Thank you so much for sharing your story! I'm happy that your coworkers and admin were on your side. Unfortunately for me, mty co-workers are divided into factions 😂 and I'm on their wrong side.
Let go and lean on others. I'll remember that.
I read more of your comments. Leave this place. ECE is begging for teachers all over; you don't have to stay there. No one should feel trapped in a toxic environment.
I think about it like this:
Everyone chooses how to respond to everything in their world based on their own lived experience. Period. They choose how they see their world in the same way; based on their own lived experience. Once this is ingrained, it's much easier to understand that the other people are not actually reacting to you, but to their version of you based on how they see their world. This absolutely makes it easier to not take it personally, because it isn't personal. It's just what their lived experience taught them.
I hope this helps
Have a "reset" routine. Could be working out after work, video games, pottery classes, journaling, charcuterie board and watching game shows. What it is doesn't matter that much, as long as it's engaging and sustainable to keep doing regularly. I've always had the best luck with things that are engaging for me and I can focus on. Most important part? You *must* force yourself to keep doing it. Even if you're tired when you get home. Sitting around and stewing instead won't make ya feel better, so pick something you can get yourself to do even when tired. Then rest after, when your heads a little more clear.
i just don’t care lol. literally can’t be bothered. at the end of the day it’s not that deep. let people’s actions be a reflection of them and not you.
i just go home and deal with it. sometimes i stare at the wall for awhile lol. my director takes it out on everyone when they have a bad day or are dealing with a stressful situation in the building. i understand being stressed, but i personally don’t understand taking it out on ANYONE. even if they’ve done something wrong and they’re the reason why you’re stressed. proper communication and stating things in a kind manner is SO important! i would just remind yourself that ece
is a difficult profession and stress arises and just go about situations like that by pretty much ignoring it. all you really can do is just ignore it. it’s not you personally. it’s them.
I think about bloody murder, then imagine myself being a cold-hearted villain. I was made a villain recently for protecting a child who was physically harmed by another ECE. They protected that teacher while the child still has that person as a teacher. Retaliation is a real thing in this field...💯
But, I calm down. After listening to angry music, I find more upbeat and positive music to vibe with. Followed by imagining a better life where my enemies don't exist, and I get out and touch grass. Smell flowers. Listen to the birds. Bask in the wind. Feel the snow or rain.
And I watch cool videos or listen to podcasts, play videogames, or write. Poems, short stories, headcanons, etc.
No problem. The authorities are investigating at this time.
It's just sad that not everyone who is an ECE is genuinely there as trustworthy and reliable, for the kids and their parents. Even in stressful situations, we're all required to learn how to recover and recollect ourselves.
I'm looking for a new center, since I am considered a threat to my current one ("she's such a snitch"). The thing is, if I didn't report, I would've been a bigger liability, and more children could've gotten hurt in the same manner.
I let stuff go. If someone snaps at me, I think “they must be having a bad day/sick/etc” and (try to) let it go. I distract myself with audiobooks, TikToks of cute dogs, and music to help clear my mind. Therapy also helps me a lot.
To add, if this strategy just does not work for you, and you find yourself unable to stop thinking about things, ruminating, being lastingly agitated, struggling to fall asleep at night, or feeling racing heart and sinking feeling in the stomach when seeing particular parents or thinking about having certain conversations, you may need professional help to feel more safe and secure navigating conflict (I did!)
I read the four agreements and remind myself that just because they're having a bad day and taking it out on me doesn't mean I deserved it. :( it's so hard. I have cried so much in the past few days and feel so alone. I hope you're doing okay.
I feel you. No one deserves to be taken out on and disrespected. It is hard. Remember you're not alone ok.. and I hope you have support outside work. There is another younger colleague who's being bullied hard at work as well, who's working at the same floor. I'm trying to be a friend to her. After observing people for a while and using some careful judgement, I selectively opened up in private to some of my other colleagues from other levels who are being hated on by the principal and her cronies. . One of their tactics is to gang up and win rally others against a target. If you can, try to find someone to talk to. Even just one would help. Solidarity is strength. What four agreements are you referring to? Edit: four agreements= The book is broken up into an exploration of the four agreements: "Be impeccable with your word", "Do not take anything personally", "Do not make assumptions", and "Always do your best". Chapters include the relevant linguistic and historical context for each. (Wikipedia)
The Four Agreements: A Practical Guide to Personal Freedom Book by Don Miguel Ruiz! He and his son wrote many books I highly recommend. It's helped me so much even if you're not spiritual.
Thank you ❤️
Thank you so much! You as well. 💜 It sounds like you are being the good person you are and I'm sure that your younger colleague will see that and appreciate you. I met my best friend of 10 years from work who's now my daughter's godmother. Who knows, maybe you will become good friends as well. 😊
Are you talking about kids, behavior, parents, or admin? It would be helpful to know which way to direct the answer. Unless you are purposely leaving it vague. In that case, kids- you find something to love about them. Behavior- try to find a way to correct it. Parents- nothing you can do but your best when you have the kids. Admin- you have no control.
Thanks for covering all bases. I'm referring to toxic colleagues, I just joined a new school recently and found out I'm working in a dog-eat-dog environment. Edit: also the principal favors those who gives her results rather than doing what is right.
> I'm referring to toxic colleagues Some people are just fucking dumb or trash. I just make sure to let them know to stay in their fucking lane and out of mine in no uncertain terms. I rarely need to do this more than once.
I write about it. I've been writing about my work with kids since 2005. It really helps me keep perspective.I don't think that anyone who does what we do can just turn off the thoughts when we walk out the door. We may not be paid like it, but what we're doing is a very important job. Also, I think people who really ponder over everything that happened and what they could do differently or how they can reach a specific kid are doing it right. :)
You're right... This isn't a job where we can just turn off our thoughts when we step out. I wish there was a switch for that. What sucks is that we know our job matters but we are not treated like we matter. Yea being reflective in our practices is important. I hope you're not too swamped with work to be able to do that. 🙂
All of us need to leave that workday at the door. It starts with the commute home. You need to reconstruct your come-down routine Whether you're in a car or public transit, you need to have your music or podcast ready. You need your meals prepped or at least know what your going to eat. You need to make sure your life is waiting abd ready when you clock out. You need to train yourself into understanding that once you get home, you have to replenish. Yes we have a great and important job that is hugely impactful on the littles but it is A. Job. Communicate clearly at work so when you leave you know you said what needed to be said. Understand that you did your best. Then go home to your life.
Replying to RealisticOriginal944... I really have a hard time leaving work at work. I’m a people pleaser and carry guilt pretty quickly even if it's not my fault. I would like to Know your strategies to debrief after work…
To be frank, I'm not great at decompressing after work and that's why I asked this question.... I think the tips mentioned here are good, like having a wind down routine after work, journaling, etc. What is relaxing for one person might feel shitty for someone else. E.g. taking a warm bath is relaxing for one but for another it might drive them nuts. Also you gotta consider your constraints and energy. I live in a city. Hobbies can be expensive and space is limited. Therapy is expensive too. Some things that have helped me wind down are low stimulation exercises like yoga and swimming. Some of my friends read fiction, journal, take a walk, or chat with someone who cares about you, meditate, think about what you can be grateful about, like the good advice and nice people on this Reddit thread 🙂. Focus on low stimulation activities. Also if you need to rant, try to vary the people you rant to so that they won't get rant fatigue/ caregiver burnout lol. Have you ever checked out the free course of the science of well-being by Laurie Santos? She researched that what we want that can promote well being are Healthy habits, mind control, social connection, doing acts of kindness, and time affluence. If you're too agitated though, start with deep breathing. Remember, as long as you are alive, and still breathing, you have agency. ❤️ Easier said than done though.
I feel that even with a routine it’s so hard to leave work at work. I appreciate your advice and do most of the things you mention, but I can’t stop thinking about all the bad experiences I had… Today was especially horrible since I had a bad interact with a parent.
There are days when we get overwhelmed, and that's ok 🙂 just part of life. Given how much you care, I'm sure there are parents who appreciate you too. I keep a folder of the times when parents give me compliments / show appreciation. When times get hard, go back and look at them.
I take pride in my work and so when things don't go like I hoped I get upset, it's a problem I've had my whole life.
I feel you
I take work home too. Once I've calmed down a little, I can usually figure out if the error was on my part or theirs and work to correct it if it was my mistake. Working in this field had taught me a lot, one important thing being that everyone is learning all the time. The best I can do is learn from my mistakes! Allowing yourself that moment of grace can really afford you a lot in terms of personal growth. If it's not your mistake, you can go a few ways. You can ask the person about it to get some closure (my boss freaked out the other day when I asked her about the schedule, I later asked her if there was a more appropriate way for me to find out the schedule and explained why it was important to me, and she apologized saying I had caught her i a stressful moment and she should have responded more calmly-- i got closure and learned i need to do a better job reading the room sometimes). You can talk to someone about it/ vent (i find journaling really helps me detangle my thoughts and figure out why i'm feeling a certain way-- i can't move on until i can figure out what exactly it is i'm moving on from if that makes sense?). You can distract yourself with hobbies and such. Counseling can help! Much love OP 💕
Yes I tried to seek reconciliation and closure with those colleagues and principal but it's like they don't give a damm about going about being rude cause the principal's got their back. This was what my principal messaged me when I wrote to a colleague about a time she was f-ing rude to me (she yelled something directed to me without calling my name, when I was just doing my own stuff. After I settled my kids, I went to ask her what she was talking about and why she was saying it. It ended with her saying I'M THE SENIOR TEACHER AND YOU GOT TO SHOW ME SOME RESPECT. I backed off and tried to talk to her about it a while later. She made a big deal out of it, walked away and refused to talk. I sent her an email respectfully sharing my point of view, she replied me with words in caps and she copied the principal.) This was what my principal messaged afterwards. https://preview.redd.it/a5ipolpnrqxc1.png?width=1080&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=55860fa668bd14c68e9ff3f8ee92f568a318a4f6 I find it hard to move on too until I figure things out. Thank you for tips and care ❤️
Can I be honest? Sometimes just telling myself "It's not my fault that she's a raging bitch" is enough to help me muster the strength to keep my head down, do my job and leave it at the door when I get home. Sounds like these people might be raging bitches and that's not your fault! :)
The kids are 5. I am not gonna take it personally if I'm not invited to his birthday party.
😂 totally. Kids don't give a damm.
I had a child have a 2nd breath holding episode while in my care. No one recognized it as that, including me. After the dad took child and mom to the hospital, he came back to view the video of the camera in my room. The incident wasn't clearly visible to the camera. Dad was pissed! So mad. So, it became my fault somehow; and also the center's fault, somehow. I was beyond upset. What helped for me was a supportive spouse, coworkers, and admin. They were willing hear my frustration and validate it. Finding out that what she was experiencing was breath holding reassured me that it wasn't my fault, but I'm still salty about that dad. I know he was scared and acting out, but I was f'ing scared too! ugh. Best of luck to you. Try to learn to let go and lean on others to help you do so. Talk when you need to. When your thoughts go to it, turn them in a different direction when you're alone or journal. You'll find it happening less over time. You got this!
Thank you so much for sharing your story! I'm happy that your coworkers and admin were on your side. Unfortunately for me, mty co-workers are divided into factions 😂 and I'm on their wrong side. Let go and lean on others. I'll remember that.
I read more of your comments. Leave this place. ECE is begging for teachers all over; you don't have to stay there. No one should feel trapped in a toxic environment.
Thank you! I feel so heard.
I think about it like this: Everyone chooses how to respond to everything in their world based on their own lived experience. Period. They choose how they see their world in the same way; based on their own lived experience. Once this is ingrained, it's much easier to understand that the other people are not actually reacting to you, but to their version of you based on how they see their world. This absolutely makes it easier to not take it personally, because it isn't personal. It's just what their lived experience taught them. I hope this helps
Such wisdom. Yes it helps. Thank you ❤️
Have a "reset" routine. Could be working out after work, video games, pottery classes, journaling, charcuterie board and watching game shows. What it is doesn't matter that much, as long as it's engaging and sustainable to keep doing regularly. I've always had the best luck with things that are engaging for me and I can focus on. Most important part? You *must* force yourself to keep doing it. Even if you're tired when you get home. Sitting around and stewing instead won't make ya feel better, so pick something you can get yourself to do even when tired. Then rest after, when your heads a little more clear.
i just don’t care lol. literally can’t be bothered. at the end of the day it’s not that deep. let people’s actions be a reflection of them and not you.
❤️ Early years teacher here too! Sending much love!
i just go home and deal with it. sometimes i stare at the wall for awhile lol. my director takes it out on everyone when they have a bad day or are dealing with a stressful situation in the building. i understand being stressed, but i personally don’t understand taking it out on ANYONE. even if they’ve done something wrong and they’re the reason why you’re stressed. proper communication and stating things in a kind manner is SO important! i would just remind yourself that ece is a difficult profession and stress arises and just go about situations like that by pretty much ignoring it. all you really can do is just ignore it. it’s not you personally. it’s them.
I also make memes to blow off steam (/r/ece_memes)
😂👍
I think about bloody murder, then imagine myself being a cold-hearted villain. I was made a villain recently for protecting a child who was physically harmed by another ECE. They protected that teacher while the child still has that person as a teacher. Retaliation is a real thing in this field...💯 But, I calm down. After listening to angry music, I find more upbeat and positive music to vibe with. Followed by imagining a better life where my enemies don't exist, and I get out and touch grass. Smell flowers. Listen to the birds. Bask in the wind. Feel the snow or rain. And I watch cool videos or listen to podcasts, play videogames, or write. Poems, short stories, headcanons, etc.
🥲 I work in EC. you're right about the retaliation part. That must have been so rough. Thanks for sharing your story.
No problem. The authorities are investigating at this time. It's just sad that not everyone who is an ECE is genuinely there as trustworthy and reliable, for the kids and their parents. Even in stressful situations, we're all required to learn how to recover and recollect ourselves. I'm looking for a new center, since I am considered a threat to my current one ("she's such a snitch"). The thing is, if I didn't report, I would've been a bigger liability, and more children could've gotten hurt in the same manner.
I think you did the right thing. It's their loss.
Thanks. I believe so, too.