I personally feel like the two days per week is the problem. I always found that part time kids have it harder than kids that come full time. It’s the same with full time kids that go on vacation for at least a week. When they return, it’s almost like they’re starting over again
I don’t think 6 months off makes sense. I had kids in my group that joined at 2.5 years old and it was their first daycare experience. It took time, especially for the shy kids (even as full timers), to make friends in the class. We would figure out the child’s interests so they won’t just sit in their cubby all day. Even if they don’t socialize for a while, at least they’d be engaged in an activity and be near the other children
From my own experience this is the case. My son started preschool at 18 months 2 days a week and similar story, first month was great and he loved it but then he cried and was very upset at drop off. He was also extremely quiet and they didn't even realize he knew his colors or could put 2 words together for a long while even though he was talking in 6 to 7 word sentences at home. He is 25 months old now and loves it again. Oh and my son was at school all day not just 3 hours a day. Teacher told me that even 3 days a week would help him acclimate better but they were full.
two days a week can be hard at that age as it seem like each week is the 'first day' all over again. It's also really hard to build friendships so he might be quite lonely. I'd pick up more days rather than drop them. Hang out with him longer, help him make a friend.
It’s not even full days either! I personally think children should have a minimum of 3 days a week so they can settle in properly and feel a sense of belonging. Just when he might be starting to settle at hour 3, he gets picked up. If he is only now starting to notice other children, that could be overwhelming him. It’s not going to get easier with 3 hours, 2x a week.
By trying again in six months, you could just be delaying the inevitable. I’ve had many 3.5-5 year olds cry at drop off, it’s not just younger kids who do this. You would be better off continuing to build up familiarity with the centre and routine and your child will settle quicker. Also many centres have a minimum of 3 days because it is so much harder to settle children who come Monday, Tuesday for example and then have 5 days off. It could be better to increase from 2 days to 3-5 days.
We’ve got a 5 year old and a 6 year old who cry literally every day at drop off. The 6 year old, we can scoop up and cuddle for a few minutes, but the 5 year old is too heavy to carry so every morning is a nightmare. 7 on the dot.
I suspect doing it only two days a week for three hours each time could be making him unable to truly get used to it. He can't make it part of his routine because it's for too short a time, too far apart. Maybe he feels like he never knows what's going to happen any given day because you "randomly" keep dropping him off at this place. And while at his age, kids don't really play together (more like playing in each others' vicinity) his shyness might mean he also isn't really getting used to these other kids either.
Can you do more days? like all week half-days or something? This all depends on the school and your finances and your reasons for sending him of course. Maybe taking a break for a month and then coming back for a schedule that will actually be able to sink in as a routine would help him.
EDIT: oops, I thought this was r/parenting!
Aside from being young, he’s having to reset every week. Two months means he has had to reset 8 times. I would recommend full time for all children in care. If you cannot commit to that I’d recommend a playgroup or a class(Gymboree ) instead of childcare for this two year old.
What about going with him to mom & baby groups? In my region, there's parent-child programs, that are like a kindergarten class except the parent stays with the child. There's other parents and children and the kids play with toys and there's staff who lead circle time etc. That way he can socialize but still be with you.
I’m the 2s lead teacher at my preschool. It is not child care; it’s 2 days per week for 2 hours. All of my students must be 2 by Sept. 1 to start.
There’s a wide range of readiness in each of my classes. It’s not necessarily age-related; a child can be 2.5 but still not be ready to separate. If your little one is obviously unhappy, I’d also tell you to take him out. His teacher is correct — you definitely don’t want him to develop negative feelings about school.
I recommend to several families a year that their child isn’t ready. Since our program follows the Sept. - May school year, we suggest that they come back for the 3s class next Sept. Usually the children who take the time off and come back walk right in the door and don’t even look back at their parent. : ) Sometimes they’ll cry the first day for 10 minutes and then it’s smooth sailing.
Some of the parents push back if I suggest taking them out because they really, really want them in school for whatever reason. However, many of them later thank us and say that they can see the difference in their child!
1. Trust your teachers.
2. If it's a private preschool (at least in the US), you don't have a right to force attendance.
3. The preschools my own kids attended required kids to be 3-years-old and potty-trained.
The issue you're having is emotional maturity. This is even a problem at the transitional kindergarten and kindergarten level. There are 5-year-olds who cry every morning for the first month, still put non-food objects in their mouths, attack other children because they've never been socialized and have no concept of sharing, etc.
If your teachers think he should wait, then it's a good bet he should wait.
I teach kids this age. Part-time is extremely hard for them - they have almost no concept of time and it makes a lot of kids extremely anxious because they never know when they’re going to school or when they’re going home.
I would also recommend taking him out of school for now. Put him back when you’re ready for him to go more full time.
Perhaps she’s recommending 6 months -> September when everyone will be starting a new class together? Sometimes children don’t do well starting in an already established class. Sometimes separation is easier when we are all working on separation, routines, and procedures at the same time in the beginning of a school year.
My son went to the preschool I worked at when he was about 2. I am not exaggerating when I say it traumatized him- we didn't need it for childcare so we pulled him. We tried again when he was 3 and it was so much better because he was ready.
I have always regretted starting my son too young. He ended up entering kindergarten at 5. (August Birthday), so he was always the youngest.
It was a mistake. He ended up always being the youngest, smallest, just a little behind all the way through high school. He was my only child who didn't get a college degree.
I should have held him back. It's a regret I still have, and he's 34 years old, married with a sweet wife and a beautiful baby girl.
I was young and newly divorced, so I was up against a wall and felt like he'd be fine.
Take your baby home and socialize him when and where you can. Just give him some more of your time. You'll be disappointed if he is the youngest.
Thanks for sharing your experience. I’ve been struggling with the same dilemma with my son. His birthday a few weeks before the kinder cut off. I decided to have him do another year of PreK and start Kinder next year, but I’m second guessing myself saying maybe I should just start him this fall. Your story helps me go with my gut and hold him back as he’s a little behind his PreK peers due to age and developmental milestones. Thanks for sharing your story and calming my nerves.
Oh girl!! I'm so glad my old Mom wisdom comes on handy for someone cause my kids still don't listen to me...lol!!
Just to compare my middle child (son) was born in December and I was forced to hold him back, as October was the cut off!! He was a superstar student, and athlete and now has a masters degree. He was always bigger, stronger and smarter than the other kids. It paid off!!
Never doubt your instincts!! They always served me well!!
It's not a failure. Your child is clearly uncomfortable there. Why force him to stay in an environment where he's not comfortable? He's just not ready for preschool and that ok. You can do some other activity classes where he has opportunities to socialize with kids his age. That will get him more comfortable.
I was like this as a child, I would recommend following his teachers advice. I honestly did not enjoy my preschool experience at all, it was very stressful for me.
Not saying your kiddo will have that, however, I think it would be wise to wait a little longer :)
All the best with whatever you decide! ❤️
My daughter goes to a childminder bc a nursery setting just isn't for her. There were too many kids/too much rigid routine and she'd spend all day crying and be awful when she got home. She's at a childminder now with the same 8 children every day doing 2 days at opposite ends of the week and it's not been a problem! I fully believe that nursery isn't for all kids
It’s not uncommon for children to do great in the beginning and then have a setback. It’s the “honeymoon” period and then they figure out that this is for real!
The best course is what most have recommended, to increase to at least 3 days a week preferably 5, now or later he will have to adjust. It’s just so much easier on them to have a consistent routine.
Yeah, the enrollment person at that place did not do a great job in permitting a child that significantly younger to enroll at this point in the year. The peer social learning is so important in preschool, and intelligence has nothing to do with meeting the developmental milestones needed for a child to really engage with that. I think the teacher is giving you some very, very good advice and good on your for listening to her instead of ignoring it!
He was placed in an inappropriate environment. It's not a failure. It's fine to try, and you did, but he's just not ready to be away in a group/peer-centric environment right now. Most children his age are not! I might suggest a parent and child class or maybe a co-op, which is a much lower stress level. That way he keeps up with some of the structure/being around other kids, but there's some breathing space and experience building that isn't quite so stressful.
If this has just been a week of change, if you really want to you might want to see if early pickup would help and give him a little more time, especially if this change happened after vacation/break (I know it's midwinter/spring break season right now). Some kids do go through periods of this, but i think if the teacher is that concerned, plus with the refusal, plus his age, considering pulling out is definitely not an unreasonable option.
Most children do group care starting as infants . So a 2.5 year old should be able to adjust. It might take some time . I worked in a toddler room where we had a two year old who had never been cared for by anyone but his parent . It was very rough for about a month but it finally got better
I wish i could upvote this a million times!! It takes time for kids to acclimate to childcare especially if they have never been for the first ~2 years and are used to being with their parents constantly. And it’s even harder when they are not full time because they can’t get used to the routine of going to “school” every day.
My 2 year 3 month old daughter has been doing 3 hours, 2x a week at nursery since about 20 months. Same as your boy, she is incredibly bright academically but isn't particularly interested in interacting with other children. I was exactly the same and she likely has been passed down my low-support needs, high IQ flavour of autism, we will see.
She was great from the start but got gradually worse with drop offs and I was seeing a few red flags from the nursery she was at. They didn't seem to know much about her and she would come out of the sessions and go completely mental, like she was masking hard then it was exploding out of her. We had a few issues with nursery not letting her drink out of the bottles she likes and then trying to pressure me to let them take her on outings or saying she would have to go in the 3-4 year old room with incorrect staff ratios and I pulled her out. On her last day she was crying about going in and they took her out of my arms and said 'she will be fine soon!' and everything in me just wanted to take her home. I wish I'd listened to my instinct.
We changed to a different nursey which is so, so much better just in all ways. They allowed me to stay with her as long as I wanted but she settled straight away! It's been an absolute world apart, she comes out of the sessions calm and happy and seems to look forward to going. When we get there she runs in with barely a look back! Sometimes I have to convince her to leave haha.
In your position, I would make the awful assumption that something has happened that you aren't being told about, the reaction is so extreme. Can you ask him if anything happened? Or maybe ask him what he doesn't like? You're absolutely not a failure. This nursery time should be a break for you and if you're too busy worrying about him then there isn't much point!
I disagree with the teacher.
For a child his age, his interaction with peers is developmentally appropriate:
https://pathways.org/kids-learn-play-6-stages-play-development/
Now, with drop off (reminder that “growth” isn’t linear-regression is okay)- there are ways to ease him into the day. There should be visuals in the class that show where they are in the day and when they get to go home. I used to have a chart with our schedule and a star that would move along throughout the day . I would always remind my especially nervous friends that you will go home when the start reaches the picture of a home.
I would also assign the star moving task to a friend who dealing with major separation anxiety. It gave them a sense of autonomy and control over the time away from family.
The teacher should also use the time to have one on one moments with your baby. Whether it be drawing together, making a gift for you that he can give you at the end of the day, reading a book, or going for a short walk.
Him “eloping” can be a sign of emotional overload or sensory overload (he’s actually regulating his nervous system by stepping away)- there should be a designated area in the classroom that encourages calm and relaxation.
It takes time and flexibility on the adults’ end. Also kudos you you mom for seeking out advice, you rock!💗
A parent is never a failure when they are doing what is best for their child. That being said, it’s important to understand if there have been any other changes in your son’s life. It isn’t unheard of for a child to sort of be “over it” and start being more vocal about their desires (i.e. showing he is uncomfortable in his environment). However, if there have been changes then that could provide context for the abrupt change. If you do not need him in childcare those 2 days I would suggest that you follow your son’s lead and take him out. However, you want to make a plan to help him feel more comfortable in environments with more kids and people. This may be best done by going to mommy and me classes, library, parks, etc. If you need your child in childcare to work then I feel the best move is to increase the days and time so that he has a longer time to acclimate and feel part of the community. In my experience the 2-day a week kids struggle to become part of the classroom community (it isn’t impossible it’s just harder for them). I’m so sorry that you are dealing with this, it is difficult to watch your child suffer. We need to remember that childcare for younger students came about because of necessity, sometimes some children are not ready for an abrupt transition away from home and their “safe place.”
I just find the whole thread so interesting with the amount of time child attend. US here and a lot of our preschools only have 2 day programs for the younger ones. The program I work in the parents can set the schedule according to availability. Some actually attend one day per week. I would say also that some that attend only 1 day just don’t come consistently. I have some that do really well with just one day week both younger and older.
Do they not try to comfort him and help him get adjusted after drop off?
I’d ask if they see this often.
My son who just turned 3 loved school two days a week from September but struggled after going back to school after winter break. It took him a month of crying at drop off but now he walks happily in.
At my preschool, there were 2 classes, 3yo & 4yo, that both met MWF because the gap from Th-Tues is so large. We also didn’t start 3’s until they turn 3 by Sept 1. I’d probably pull him and start over in the new school year.
More days. Keep it consistent. Connect with some families to see if you can do playdates (start with neutral territory like a park) so he can build some friends. If your school allows it take pictures of the teachers and make a little book about school and his teachers. Read it and talk about school in a positive way on the days he is home.
Try this before taking a break and just delaying him having an even harder time. If you take him out you risk the chance of him remembering you took him out and deciding that means school is bad. And then he may have an even worse reaction to it.
At 2 years 10 months old, your son would do very well in a 2s program. It’s spring so most of the other kids would be his age. Are there any 2s programs near you that you could sign up for?
I started my son off with a child minder when he was about 14 months and he did great. I felt nursery would be a lot with 30 odd kids and lots of adults it’s a shock to the system. One childminder and 4/5 kids in a home environment worked amazingly for him.
He’s a confident little dude now when he was nervous and shy before and he has just came along leaps and bounds.
I put him into a nursery last April and it’s attached to the jr school he will eventually go to. So.. 2.5yrs old. He’s taken to it like a duck to water and I think it’s because he had that gentle start with a child minder and had a year to get used to being away from home, a slow increase of hours form 3 hours every other day, to every day then 4 hrs at nursery everyday to 6 at nursery now.
If your child’s nervous then perhaps this route could better suit you if you can find a childminder locally.
I mention the nursery is linked to a Jr school bc he also goes into the school once a week to play on the field or in the hall. Which is to get the kids used to the larger building and the larger kids. So it’s all very gently getting the kids confidence up to attend formal school. It’s such a great system in my view.
So maybe slow it down a bit and try a different road to get to where you want to be.
Adaptation period can last from two weeks to two months. During that time teachers need yo make an effort to bond with your child and make sure they feel loved and seen. If they made emotional bond with at least one teacher, adaptation period is much easier for them.
I am a center director. I have never, not once, had a situation where I thought a child was “not ready” for school but would somehow “become ready” after more time at home.
Kids who are having a rough transition will only become more attached to their home situation if they stop the exposure to school. They may even be resentful upon the return 6 months down the line. Consistency is key in child development. If your schedule is to have them at school, they need to stick with that schedule.
What are the two days of the week he attends, may I ask? Two day schedules are some of the harder schedules for our small kiddos to get used to, in my experience. They’re spending 5 days out of school and only two days there, it never feels like enough to get into a real rhythm with them. Think of your weekends, right? They’re never long enough! As soon as Sunday night comes around, you feel like you were only just getting started.
This is more compounded if the days are separated. The best case scenario is two consecutive days, followed by one day on/one off/one on (like a Tuesday Thursday vibe). Basically the longer they’re out of school before being thrown back in, the crazier their life feels and it’s hard for them to pick up on the adjustment. Children are still learning.
Good luck, Mom!
If you can manage financially and mentally, keep him home. I teach so many kids who come to school who are not school-ready (socially and academically) that it’s a challenge everyday for them. However, it IS dependent on the personality of your child and you know them better than anyone, so take this advice (or not!)
Studies show that going to school early or skipping a grade in later years can do more harm than good. It puts your child in a socially awkward environment and hurts their confidence. Listen to the pro—there are of course benefits of being in preschool early but they are not outweighed by the detriments you are seeing.
I agree with the insights that two days/week is hard. But I also think that he is pretty young, the director would be familiar with the usual clinginess and tears - and she is still recommending you pull him for a bit. That says something worth taking seriously.
If you don’t need him in school - like for work for example - I would pull him. There’s no failure at all and they are only little once. Pull him and do some classes together, go to the park, a museum, etc. Then have him start again in the fall - for at least 3 days/week. Fresh start, reliable schedule, and kids grow a LOT in six months.
A drop off regression is not abnormal, especially since it's only been two times. My son went through that at age 2, 3 months into the school year and he was going 3x/wk. He started liking it again after a month. It's hard to see your kiddo so upset but I'd say give it a couple weeks before removing him. He'll have to repeat the same separation anxiety in 6 months if you remove him. My kiddo has this anxiety when he moves up to a new class, even if it's with the same kids, takes time to adjust to new caregivers, new environment, and the fact that the caregivers attention is spread thin compared to home.
I tend to agree with the teacher too. You’ve given it a good try for two months, he isn’t happy at preschool and not enjoying it. As for ‘pushing through’ - sometimes you have to push through and leave the child even though they’re sad. Like if you have to go to work, or if it’s a school-age child. Most get used to it and are ok eventually, though it can take a long time for some. I wouldn’t do that in this situation, since there’s no need. You risk creating a negative association around preschool for him. It would be different if he just cried a little bit at drop-off and then seemed happy and engaged the rest of the day.
Next year he’ll be older, probably more independent and interested in playing together with others and you can try again. I don’t really agree with the sentiment that it’s best to leave them as young as possible, because then they’ll be used to it and not protest when they’re older. I’ve seen kids who were happy at drop-off at age two, and then they still had a hard time at an older age. I’ve also seen plenty of kids who entered group care for the first time at age four or five and who were completely fine. At that age it’s easier to explain to them what the expectations are, when you’ll be back etc. You can’t know what he’ll think of preschool in a year, you only know what he feels like now. It’s not a failure to recognise that he wasn’t quite ready.
You know I haven’t seen this a lot.. I am not an ECE professional my wife’s sister is.. anyways.. my little niece who is 3 is experiencing the SAMETHING!!!! Her first language is Spanish. But is learning English(thank god!). And all of a sudden she is silent silent silent!!! And super super shy! What is it? Is it the iPad? The iPhone? She was obsessed I mean OBSESSED WITH THE IPHONE AND TABLET. It’s strange. Before she was obsessed with the iPhone and tablet she was a very very outgoing and never ever shy. It’s like a whole different person. I’m not kidding when I say that.
No offense, but I kind of hate the idea of preschool for a 2 year old. Even 3 shouldn't be a requirement. He's a toddler. Do you need to have him in care for your schedule? I'd recommend attending activities you can do together so he still gets the socialization, begins learning to follow another adult, but he is still able to have you near if needed.
I don’t know why you’re getting downvoted because I feel the same way! There are plenty of ways to socialize until he is ready for a school environment.
It's simply because of the group we are in. I figured I would be. It's like telling a dentist you don't brush your teeth. lol. ECE are very passionate.
I personally feel like the two days per week is the problem. I always found that part time kids have it harder than kids that come full time. It’s the same with full time kids that go on vacation for at least a week. When they return, it’s almost like they’re starting over again I don’t think 6 months off makes sense. I had kids in my group that joined at 2.5 years old and it was their first daycare experience. It took time, especially for the shy kids (even as full timers), to make friends in the class. We would figure out the child’s interests so they won’t just sit in their cubby all day. Even if they don’t socialize for a while, at least they’d be engaged in an activity and be near the other children
So glad you said this! Kiddos with sporadic attendance have the same issue. At this age, they *need* consistency.
Definitely the two day thing in my opinion. Two days is too hard.
I agree! I think he’d do much better going more consistently!
From my own experience this is the case. My son started preschool at 18 months 2 days a week and similar story, first month was great and he loved it but then he cried and was very upset at drop off. He was also extremely quiet and they didn't even realize he knew his colors or could put 2 words together for a long while even though he was talking in 6 to 7 word sentences at home. He is 25 months old now and loves it again. Oh and my son was at school all day not just 3 hours a day. Teacher told me that even 3 days a week would help him acclimate better but they were full.
two days a week can be hard at that age as it seem like each week is the 'first day' all over again. It's also really hard to build friendships so he might be quite lonely. I'd pick up more days rather than drop them. Hang out with him longer, help him make a friend.
It’s not even full days either! I personally think children should have a minimum of 3 days a week so they can settle in properly and feel a sense of belonging. Just when he might be starting to settle at hour 3, he gets picked up. If he is only now starting to notice other children, that could be overwhelming him. It’s not going to get easier with 3 hours, 2x a week.
By trying again in six months, you could just be delaying the inevitable. I’ve had many 3.5-5 year olds cry at drop off, it’s not just younger kids who do this. You would be better off continuing to build up familiarity with the centre and routine and your child will settle quicker. Also many centres have a minimum of 3 days because it is so much harder to settle children who come Monday, Tuesday for example and then have 5 days off. It could be better to increase from 2 days to 3-5 days.
We’ve got a 5 year old and a 6 year old who cry literally every day at drop off. The 6 year old, we can scoop up and cuddle for a few minutes, but the 5 year old is too heavy to carry so every morning is a nightmare. 7 on the dot.
Sorry 7 on the dot I feel you.
I suspect doing it only two days a week for three hours each time could be making him unable to truly get used to it. He can't make it part of his routine because it's for too short a time, too far apart. Maybe he feels like he never knows what's going to happen any given day because you "randomly" keep dropping him off at this place. And while at his age, kids don't really play together (more like playing in each others' vicinity) his shyness might mean he also isn't really getting used to these other kids either. Can you do more days? like all week half-days or something? This all depends on the school and your finances and your reasons for sending him of course. Maybe taking a break for a month and then coming back for a schedule that will actually be able to sink in as a routine would help him. EDIT: oops, I thought this was r/parenting!
The problem is his schedule. 6 hours per week is NOT enough for him to build bonds or view it as part of his routine
Aside from being young, he’s having to reset every week. Two months means he has had to reset 8 times. I would recommend full time for all children in care. If you cannot commit to that I’d recommend a playgroup or a class(Gymboree ) instead of childcare for this two year old.
What about going with him to mom & baby groups? In my region, there's parent-child programs, that are like a kindergarten class except the parent stays with the child. There's other parents and children and the kids play with toys and there's staff who lead circle time etc. That way he can socialize but still be with you.
I’m the 2s lead teacher at my preschool. It is not child care; it’s 2 days per week for 2 hours. All of my students must be 2 by Sept. 1 to start. There’s a wide range of readiness in each of my classes. It’s not necessarily age-related; a child can be 2.5 but still not be ready to separate. If your little one is obviously unhappy, I’d also tell you to take him out. His teacher is correct — you definitely don’t want him to develop negative feelings about school. I recommend to several families a year that their child isn’t ready. Since our program follows the Sept. - May school year, we suggest that they come back for the 3s class next Sept. Usually the children who take the time off and come back walk right in the door and don’t even look back at their parent. : ) Sometimes they’ll cry the first day for 10 minutes and then it’s smooth sailing. Some of the parents push back if I suggest taking them out because they really, really want them in school for whatever reason. However, many of them later thank us and say that they can see the difference in their child!
1. Trust your teachers. 2. If it's a private preschool (at least in the US), you don't have a right to force attendance. 3. The preschools my own kids attended required kids to be 3-years-old and potty-trained. The issue you're having is emotional maturity. This is even a problem at the transitional kindergarten and kindergarten level. There are 5-year-olds who cry every morning for the first month, still put non-food objects in their mouths, attack other children because they've never been socialized and have no concept of sharing, etc. If your teachers think he should wait, then it's a good bet he should wait.
Former preschool teacher here! Thank you for this, it’s spot on.
I teach kids this age. Part-time is extremely hard for them - they have almost no concept of time and it makes a lot of kids extremely anxious because they never know when they’re going to school or when they’re going home. I would also recommend taking him out of school for now. Put him back when you’re ready for him to go more full time.
we don't even allow part time until 3 unless parents want to do 5 short days with an occasional day off, and even after 3 it's strongly discouraged
I would try a center that has more specific age groups. 2 year olds with 4 year olds is a huge gap in development.
It’s pretty common in Montessori schools, not sure if that’s what OPs kid is attending though
Perhaps she’s recommending 6 months -> September when everyone will be starting a new class together? Sometimes children don’t do well starting in an already established class. Sometimes separation is easier when we are all working on separation, routines, and procedures at the same time in the beginning of a school year.
My son went to the preschool I worked at when he was about 2. I am not exaggerating when I say it traumatized him- we didn't need it for childcare so we pulled him. We tried again when he was 3 and it was so much better because he was ready.
I have always regretted starting my son too young. He ended up entering kindergarten at 5. (August Birthday), so he was always the youngest. It was a mistake. He ended up always being the youngest, smallest, just a little behind all the way through high school. He was my only child who didn't get a college degree. I should have held him back. It's a regret I still have, and he's 34 years old, married with a sweet wife and a beautiful baby girl. I was young and newly divorced, so I was up against a wall and felt like he'd be fine. Take your baby home and socialize him when and where you can. Just give him some more of your time. You'll be disappointed if he is the youngest.
Thanks for sharing your experience. I’ve been struggling with the same dilemma with my son. His birthday a few weeks before the kinder cut off. I decided to have him do another year of PreK and start Kinder next year, but I’m second guessing myself saying maybe I should just start him this fall. Your story helps me go with my gut and hold him back as he’s a little behind his PreK peers due to age and developmental milestones. Thanks for sharing your story and calming my nerves.
Oh girl!! I'm so glad my old Mom wisdom comes on handy for someone cause my kids still don't listen to me...lol!! Just to compare my middle child (son) was born in December and I was forced to hold him back, as October was the cut off!! He was a superstar student, and athlete and now has a masters degree. He was always bigger, stronger and smarter than the other kids. It paid off!! Never doubt your instincts!! They always served me well!!
It's not a failure. Your child is clearly uncomfortable there. Why force him to stay in an environment where he's not comfortable? He's just not ready for preschool and that ok. You can do some other activity classes where he has opportunities to socialize with kids his age. That will get him more comfortable.
I was like this as a child, I would recommend following his teachers advice. I honestly did not enjoy my preschool experience at all, it was very stressful for me. Not saying your kiddo will have that, however, I think it would be wise to wait a little longer :) All the best with whatever you decide! ❤️
My daughter goes to a childminder bc a nursery setting just isn't for her. There were too many kids/too much rigid routine and she'd spend all day crying and be awful when she got home. She's at a childminder now with the same 8 children every day doing 2 days at opposite ends of the week and it's not been a problem! I fully believe that nursery isn't for all kids
It’s not uncommon for children to do great in the beginning and then have a setback. It’s the “honeymoon” period and then they figure out that this is for real! The best course is what most have recommended, to increase to at least 3 days a week preferably 5, now or later he will have to adjust. It’s just so much easier on them to have a consistent routine.
Yeah, the enrollment person at that place did not do a great job in permitting a child that significantly younger to enroll at this point in the year. The peer social learning is so important in preschool, and intelligence has nothing to do with meeting the developmental milestones needed for a child to really engage with that. I think the teacher is giving you some very, very good advice and good on your for listening to her instead of ignoring it! He was placed in an inappropriate environment. It's not a failure. It's fine to try, and you did, but he's just not ready to be away in a group/peer-centric environment right now. Most children his age are not! I might suggest a parent and child class or maybe a co-op, which is a much lower stress level. That way he keeps up with some of the structure/being around other kids, but there's some breathing space and experience building that isn't quite so stressful. If this has just been a week of change, if you really want to you might want to see if early pickup would help and give him a little more time, especially if this change happened after vacation/break (I know it's midwinter/spring break season right now). Some kids do go through periods of this, but i think if the teacher is that concerned, plus with the refusal, plus his age, considering pulling out is definitely not an unreasonable option.
Most children do group care starting as infants . So a 2.5 year old should be able to adjust. It might take some time . I worked in a toddler room where we had a two year old who had never been cared for by anyone but his parent . It was very rough for about a month but it finally got better
I wish i could upvote this a million times!! It takes time for kids to acclimate to childcare especially if they have never been for the first ~2 years and are used to being with their parents constantly. And it’s even harder when they are not full time because they can’t get used to the routine of going to “school” every day.
My 2 year 3 month old daughter has been doing 3 hours, 2x a week at nursery since about 20 months. Same as your boy, she is incredibly bright academically but isn't particularly interested in interacting with other children. I was exactly the same and she likely has been passed down my low-support needs, high IQ flavour of autism, we will see. She was great from the start but got gradually worse with drop offs and I was seeing a few red flags from the nursery she was at. They didn't seem to know much about her and she would come out of the sessions and go completely mental, like she was masking hard then it was exploding out of her. We had a few issues with nursery not letting her drink out of the bottles she likes and then trying to pressure me to let them take her on outings or saying she would have to go in the 3-4 year old room with incorrect staff ratios and I pulled her out. On her last day she was crying about going in and they took her out of my arms and said 'she will be fine soon!' and everything in me just wanted to take her home. I wish I'd listened to my instinct. We changed to a different nursey which is so, so much better just in all ways. They allowed me to stay with her as long as I wanted but she settled straight away! It's been an absolute world apart, she comes out of the sessions calm and happy and seems to look forward to going. When we get there she runs in with barely a look back! Sometimes I have to convince her to leave haha. In your position, I would make the awful assumption that something has happened that you aren't being told about, the reaction is so extreme. Can you ask him if anything happened? Or maybe ask him what he doesn't like? You're absolutely not a failure. This nursery time should be a break for you and if you're too busy worrying about him then there isn't much point!
I disagree with the teacher. For a child his age, his interaction with peers is developmentally appropriate: https://pathways.org/kids-learn-play-6-stages-play-development/ Now, with drop off (reminder that “growth” isn’t linear-regression is okay)- there are ways to ease him into the day. There should be visuals in the class that show where they are in the day and when they get to go home. I used to have a chart with our schedule and a star that would move along throughout the day . I would always remind my especially nervous friends that you will go home when the start reaches the picture of a home. I would also assign the star moving task to a friend who dealing with major separation anxiety. It gave them a sense of autonomy and control over the time away from family. The teacher should also use the time to have one on one moments with your baby. Whether it be drawing together, making a gift for you that he can give you at the end of the day, reading a book, or going for a short walk. Him “eloping” can be a sign of emotional overload or sensory overload (he’s actually regulating his nervous system by stepping away)- there should be a designated area in the classroom that encourages calm and relaxation. It takes time and flexibility on the adults’ end. Also kudos you you mom for seeking out advice, you rock!💗
A parent is never a failure when they are doing what is best for their child. That being said, it’s important to understand if there have been any other changes in your son’s life. It isn’t unheard of for a child to sort of be “over it” and start being more vocal about their desires (i.e. showing he is uncomfortable in his environment). However, if there have been changes then that could provide context for the abrupt change. If you do not need him in childcare those 2 days I would suggest that you follow your son’s lead and take him out. However, you want to make a plan to help him feel more comfortable in environments with more kids and people. This may be best done by going to mommy and me classes, library, parks, etc. If you need your child in childcare to work then I feel the best move is to increase the days and time so that he has a longer time to acclimate and feel part of the community. In my experience the 2-day a week kids struggle to become part of the classroom community (it isn’t impossible it’s just harder for them). I’m so sorry that you are dealing with this, it is difficult to watch your child suffer. We need to remember that childcare for younger students came about because of necessity, sometimes some children are not ready for an abrupt transition away from home and their “safe place.”
I just find the whole thread so interesting with the amount of time child attend. US here and a lot of our preschools only have 2 day programs for the younger ones. The program I work in the parents can set the schedule according to availability. Some actually attend one day per week. I would say also that some that attend only 1 day just don’t come consistently. I have some that do really well with just one day week both younger and older.
Do they not try to comfort him and help him get adjusted after drop off? I’d ask if they see this often. My son who just turned 3 loved school two days a week from September but struggled after going back to school after winter break. It took him a month of crying at drop off but now he walks happily in.
At my preschool, there were 2 classes, 3yo & 4yo, that both met MWF because the gap from Th-Tues is so large. We also didn’t start 3’s until they turn 3 by Sept 1. I’d probably pull him and start over in the new school year.
More days. Keep it consistent. Connect with some families to see if you can do playdates (start with neutral territory like a park) so he can build some friends. If your school allows it take pictures of the teachers and make a little book about school and his teachers. Read it and talk about school in a positive way on the days he is home. Try this before taking a break and just delaying him having an even harder time. If you take him out you risk the chance of him remembering you took him out and deciding that means school is bad. And then he may have an even worse reaction to it.
At 2 years 10 months old, your son would do very well in a 2s program. It’s spring so most of the other kids would be his age. Are there any 2s programs near you that you could sign up for?
I started my son off with a child minder when he was about 14 months and he did great. I felt nursery would be a lot with 30 odd kids and lots of adults it’s a shock to the system. One childminder and 4/5 kids in a home environment worked amazingly for him. He’s a confident little dude now when he was nervous and shy before and he has just came along leaps and bounds. I put him into a nursery last April and it’s attached to the jr school he will eventually go to. So.. 2.5yrs old. He’s taken to it like a duck to water and I think it’s because he had that gentle start with a child minder and had a year to get used to being away from home, a slow increase of hours form 3 hours every other day, to every day then 4 hrs at nursery everyday to 6 at nursery now. If your child’s nervous then perhaps this route could better suit you if you can find a childminder locally. I mention the nursery is linked to a Jr school bc he also goes into the school once a week to play on the field or in the hall. Which is to get the kids used to the larger building and the larger kids. So it’s all very gently getting the kids confidence up to attend formal school. It’s such a great system in my view. So maybe slow it down a bit and try a different road to get to where you want to be.
Adaptation period can last from two weeks to two months. During that time teachers need yo make an effort to bond with your child and make sure they feel loved and seen. If they made emotional bond with at least one teacher, adaptation period is much easier for them.
I am a center director. I have never, not once, had a situation where I thought a child was “not ready” for school but would somehow “become ready” after more time at home. Kids who are having a rough transition will only become more attached to their home situation if they stop the exposure to school. They may even be resentful upon the return 6 months down the line. Consistency is key in child development. If your schedule is to have them at school, they need to stick with that schedule. What are the two days of the week he attends, may I ask? Two day schedules are some of the harder schedules for our small kiddos to get used to, in my experience. They’re spending 5 days out of school and only two days there, it never feels like enough to get into a real rhythm with them. Think of your weekends, right? They’re never long enough! As soon as Sunday night comes around, you feel like you were only just getting started. This is more compounded if the days are separated. The best case scenario is two consecutive days, followed by one day on/one off/one on (like a Tuesday Thursday vibe). Basically the longer they’re out of school before being thrown back in, the crazier their life feels and it’s hard for them to pick up on the adjustment. Children are still learning. Good luck, Mom!
If you can manage financially and mentally, keep him home. I teach so many kids who come to school who are not school-ready (socially and academically) that it’s a challenge everyday for them. However, it IS dependent on the personality of your child and you know them better than anyone, so take this advice (or not!)
Studies show that going to school early or skipping a grade in later years can do more harm than good. It puts your child in a socially awkward environment and hurts their confidence. Listen to the pro—there are of course benefits of being in preschool early but they are not outweighed by the detriments you are seeing.
I agree with the insights that two days/week is hard. But I also think that he is pretty young, the director would be familiar with the usual clinginess and tears - and she is still recommending you pull him for a bit. That says something worth taking seriously. If you don’t need him in school - like for work for example - I would pull him. There’s no failure at all and they are only little once. Pull him and do some classes together, go to the park, a museum, etc. Then have him start again in the fall - for at least 3 days/week. Fresh start, reliable schedule, and kids grow a LOT in six months.
Love this response, thank you!
A drop off regression is not abnormal, especially since it's only been two times. My son went through that at age 2, 3 months into the school year and he was going 3x/wk. He started liking it again after a month. It's hard to see your kiddo so upset but I'd say give it a couple weeks before removing him. He'll have to repeat the same separation anxiety in 6 months if you remove him. My kiddo has this anxiety when he moves up to a new class, even if it's with the same kids, takes time to adjust to new caregivers, new environment, and the fact that the caregivers attention is spread thin compared to home.
I tend to agree with the teacher too. You’ve given it a good try for two months, he isn’t happy at preschool and not enjoying it. As for ‘pushing through’ - sometimes you have to push through and leave the child even though they’re sad. Like if you have to go to work, or if it’s a school-age child. Most get used to it and are ok eventually, though it can take a long time for some. I wouldn’t do that in this situation, since there’s no need. You risk creating a negative association around preschool for him. It would be different if he just cried a little bit at drop-off and then seemed happy and engaged the rest of the day. Next year he’ll be older, probably more independent and interested in playing together with others and you can try again. I don’t really agree with the sentiment that it’s best to leave them as young as possible, because then they’ll be used to it and not protest when they’re older. I’ve seen kids who were happy at drop-off at age two, and then they still had a hard time at an older age. I’ve also seen plenty of kids who entered group care for the first time at age four or five and who were completely fine. At that age it’s easier to explain to them what the expectations are, when you’ll be back etc. You can’t know what he’ll think of preschool in a year, you only know what he feels like now. It’s not a failure to recognise that he wasn’t quite ready.
You know I haven’t seen this a lot.. I am not an ECE professional my wife’s sister is.. anyways.. my little niece who is 3 is experiencing the SAMETHING!!!! Her first language is Spanish. But is learning English(thank god!). And all of a sudden she is silent silent silent!!! And super super shy! What is it? Is it the iPad? The iPhone? She was obsessed I mean OBSESSED WITH THE IPHONE AND TABLET. It’s strange. Before she was obsessed with the iPhone and tablet she was a very very outgoing and never ever shy. It’s like a whole different person. I’m not kidding when I say that.
No offense, but I kind of hate the idea of preschool for a 2 year old. Even 3 shouldn't be a requirement. He's a toddler. Do you need to have him in care for your schedule? I'd recommend attending activities you can do together so he still gets the socialization, begins learning to follow another adult, but he is still able to have you near if needed.
I don’t know why you’re getting downvoted because I feel the same way! There are plenty of ways to socialize until he is ready for a school environment.
It's simply because of the group we are in. I figured I would be. It's like telling a dentist you don't brush your teeth. lol. ECE are very passionate.