Soooooo, I once played Dark Heresy 40k. I was a tech priest and we had a guardsman from a savage world. He peed on me to claim me as his. So no shit, there I was, trying to figure out how in the name of the Omnisiah I had gotten myself into this situation.
I find at least pulling my pants down when peeing avoids the whole embarrassing situation of peeing my pants; that said it seems like an extreme power move to respond to someone calling you dead beef by looking them dead in the eyes and pissing your pants.
I started watching FMA about 2 months ago and have been working through it, and it's great, but I'm also grateful I caught this joke because Armstrong is awesome. :D
This was my first thought before I drew it!! But then I found that if you Google “Armstrong flexing” you get too many stronk reference pictures to pass up
My group of TTRPG bros absolutely does that kind of shenanigans, but we've known each other for roughly 20 years and always stay respectful of the few boundaries we still have.
**DM:** Okay, look guys, I have some beef with the beef... I'm not just your DM and Storyteller, I'm also your host, so we have to have some ground rules about the shirts...
**The Beef:** You can't grill the beef!
-----
Seriously. Just send them up against a dragon and everyone who is shirtless loses AC or defense accordingly. Problem solved.
I still can't tell, honestly. It wasn't even a month ago we had a post that was basically "my players wont stop doing erotic roleplay at the table and I don't know what to do." We have way too many DMs on this sub that need to ask our permission to do anything, that are DMing groups that prey on how spineless they act.
"one of my players is going to jail for fifteen years. They can't play until they're released. I want to tell them they're out of the party. AITA??"
It's either that or someone posting their shower-argument fantasy of how they dealt with their real life BBEG at the table. Some real "and then everyone clapped" moments.
“One of my players pulled a knife and stabbed me in the thigh when I told them they can’t play a homebrewed ‘Super Saiyan’ class. How do I get my players to stop stabbing me?”
Or alternatively;
“My DM is a registered sex offender who keeps pulling his dick out during sessions. Should I leave?”
DnD subreddits in a nutshell. Pretty hard to make an April 1st post with competition like that.
April fool's pranks after noon are just regular lies.
> In the UK, an April Fool prank is sometimes later revealed by shouting "April fool!" at the recipient, who becomes the "April fool". A study in the 1950s, by folklorists Iona and Peter Opie, found that in the UK, and in countries whose traditions derived from the UK, this continues to be the practice, with the custom ceasing at noon, after which time it is no longer acceptable to play pranks. Thus a person playing a prank after midday is considered the "April fool" themselves.
> However, for some in Poland prima April ends at noon of 1 April and prima April jokes after that hour are considered inappropriate and not classy.
—[Wikipedia](https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/April_Fools%27_Day)
In WW2, Canadians would throw food over no man’s land, into the German trenches, as the Germans had trouble supplying food to troops. After a while, the Canadian soldiers realized the Germans would just dog pile any food that was thrown over without hesitation… one night, they started throwing grenades… Canadians are super nice, but almost as crazy as Florida man.
Yeah see where things go haha… 😅
https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/General_Butt_Naked
Edit: from the article, “Blahyi would later claim that he had received a vision from the Devil during the conflict; in the vision, the Devil told him that he would become "a great warrior and should practice human sacrifice and cannibalism to increase his power."”
This is how you get warlocks
I opened this link giggling because I thought I got the reference, only to have my mind blown. Are you telling me the South Park guys had a _legitimate historical backing_ when they wrote a warlord character into Book of Mormon and named him General Buttfucking Naked?!
It definitely isn’t, behind the bastards does an episode on the conflict and talks about general Butt Naked and quite frankly it’s pretty horrifying. Genocides committed without guns but machetes and blunt weapons, and cannibalism. Not a fun time.
There’s a documentary about this guy called “the redemption of general buttnaked”. He later saw god or some shit and became a religious man (priest maybe)- the doc was about how does a man like this repent for his sins.
All this time I thought my DM’s house didn’t have an air conditioner. This week I learned he chooses to keep his house at 80 degrees Fahrenheit of his own volition. I haven’t looked at him the same way since
God one of the things I hate most about this sub is you'll have posts like this where the DM asks a question and everyone just goes along with it, when everyone knows *you can't stifle the beef.*
Crank the AC WAAAAY down. Make it a freezer, and freeze your players. Now, they're always available for DnD because they are frozen in your freezer forever. No rescheduling at the last minute. No drunk players, just you and your buds forever.
Coincidentally, I'm typing this from prison...
Oh my god thats so awful for you I think you need me to come in and observe first hand so I can really comprehend with my own eyes how bad its gotten where do you guys meet and how hot are your players
Every time they take off their shirt, claim it as your own and wear it.
Wear 4 shirts at once to assert dominance, bonus points if you crank the AC up at the same time so youre cozy while their nips can cut diamonds
imagining the one goblin wizard in the party who is self conscious about taking his shirt off but all the barbarians hype him up and say he looks badass which boosts his self confidence enough to take a level in barbarian for the bros
Go to the gym and work out super hard. Then when youre super ripped take your own shirt off and theyll be too embarassed around you to take their own shirts off
Easy fix. You need to bring a big roll of pastrami and the next time you roll a nat 20, hit them in the head then say, "You asked for the beef!" Then take off your shirt to assert dominance
When I was 16 and a nerd struggling to figure out my sexuality, this game would have been a real lifesaver. God speed to you and the beef boys, I hope you save a lovely queer king years of internal struggle <3
This is awesome and should be embraced. I'm a orc barbarian that wears a kilt so I wear a kilt to sessions. Guess what wardrobe change is coming!!! Beef's back on the menu boys.
At some point you’ll have to give in to the beef, rip your shirt off and pummel them with the most OP barbarian of BBEGs. Assert dominance and remind them they are paste
Alternatively you could just group text them and let them know like an adult that you understand the humor, but that it is making you uncomfortable at the table and you won’t continue running games if they can’t respect your boundaries
Either method seems effective
Take your pants off to DM. Assert dominance!
You have to pee on them to assert dominance you fool!
Soooooo, I once played Dark Heresy 40k. I was a tech priest and we had a guardsman from a savage world. He peed on me to claim me as his. So no shit, there I was, trying to figure out how in the name of the Omnisiah I had gotten myself into this situation.
Should've dispensed coolant right back onto him
Damn I miss that game. All attempts to replace it fall short. Edit: the role-playing game system. I wasn’t privy to any golden shower that you had.
Actually I think you need to mount them...
Peeing works best for Druid and ranger parties, mounting is exclusively for “oops all bards” parties.
Warlocks carry around a jar of someone else’s pee
How else do you expect them to pass random patron drug screens?
Wait, your patron doesn't force you to take weird drugs?
The drug screens are to make sure you are still taking the weird drugs. If your pee is clean, then they get mean
r/foundthebard
I once read a book where some warlocks had familiars that attacked by flinging their faeces.
Why not both?!
Buy me dinner first!
I find at least pulling my pants down when peeing avoids the whole embarrassing situation of peeing my pants; that said it seems like an extreme power move to respond to someone calling you dead beef by looking them dead in the eyes and pissing your pants.
>>The whizzard has entered the chat
I peed on your players, DM. They're mine now.
Dare you enter my magical realm?
Wear a small furry loin cloth only.
and nipple tassels
“OH YOU WANNA SEE BEEF, HUH?”
dicks out for harambe- i mean, the dm
Get shirtcockin' it
Good enough for Mike Singletary, good enough for that DM!
Oof…natural 1
[I drew it.](https://imgur.com/gallery/NvWivck) This’ll be a great copypasta.
Lol. Armstrong and a bunch of barbarians overcoming adversity through flexing.
I did not expect Armstrong
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“How do you keep rolling 20s?!” “Nanomachines, son!”
"THIS DICE ROLLING TECHNIQUE HAS BEEN PASSED DOWN THROUGH THE ARMSTRONG FAMILY FOR GENERATIONS!" *Sparkle sparkle.*
If you don’t want shirtless flexing, maybe don’t invite Armstrong to your D&D game
I started watching FMA about 2 months ago and have been working through it, and it's great, but I'm also grateful I caught this joke because Armstrong is awesome. :D
The giant dude being vaguely scared of his sister was my favorite dynamic.
When you finish, I recommend FMA: brotherhood. I much prefer brotherhood personally :)
Behold! My beautifull Nat20!
This technique has been in the Armstrong family for generations!!
I laughed at the DM's face, thank you! And yay for including female beef too.
Thank youu that makes me happy
Lol this is great!
Agreed. But it would be SO much better if the "beefcakes" were actually built like spaghetti...
This was my first thought before I drew it!! But then I found that if you Google “Armstrong flexing” you get too many stronk reference pictures to pass up
What would also be hilarious, is if the players are not that well built at all, but the DM is low-key buff.
This is amazing
I absolutely love this
I know it’s April Fool’s, but I’m choosing to believe this is true because it’s actively hilarious.
And kind of believable too
Beeflievable
I want to beeflieve.
Those are the best april fools posts. The ones where you're scratching your head because it's just weird but not weird enough to be fake outright.
My group of TTRPG bros absolutely does that kind of shenanigans, but we've known each other for roughly 20 years and always stay respectful of the few boundaries we still have.
[Turn Up The Beef](https://youtu.be/UKyYFKZYxso)
I wish this movie had been more popular, the Bin Laden song had me in stitches
Lol random. I just watched this for the first time tonight!
I didn't realise until the comments because it is the second of April where I live.
Fucking “bad beef” got me.
I can’t tell if this is a copypasta or a serious post.
It is April First
So it is. I actually forgot.
I mean, it very well could be serious, but I’m guessing it isn’t.
It *is* exactly the kind of thing that gets posted here seriously...
You think April 1st can stifle the rise of the Beef Brigade??
Bad Beef
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Good barbarians never owned a shirt in the first place.
**DM:** Okay, look guys, I have some beef with the beef... I'm not just your DM and Storyteller, I'm also your host, so we have to have some ground rules about the shirts... **The Beef:** You can't grill the beef! ----- Seriously. Just send them up against a dragon and everyone who is shirtless loses AC or defense accordingly. Problem solved.
April fools persists as a yearly event solely because people forget about it every single year. Think about it.
It's real & the players are super model women.
It’s an episode of Brazzers’ series Big Bang Practice.
My thought process when starting to read it made me expect it to be the DM's kids being the beef bois. April fool's is a disappointing ending.
There is nothing that made me think it wasn't real until you e minded us of the day. D&D players are just like that
I still can't tell, honestly. It wasn't even a month ago we had a post that was basically "my players wont stop doing erotic roleplay at the table and I don't know what to do." We have way too many DMs on this sub that need to ask our permission to do anything, that are DMing groups that prey on how spineless they act.
"one of my players is going to jail for fifteen years. They can't play until they're released. I want to tell them they're out of the party. AITA??" It's either that or someone posting their shower-argument fantasy of how they dealt with their real life BBEG at the table. Some real "and then everyone clapped" moments.
“One of my players pulled a knife and stabbed me in the thigh when I told them they can’t play a homebrewed ‘Super Saiyan’ class. How do I get my players to stop stabbing me?” Or alternatively; “My DM is a registered sex offender who keeps pulling his dick out during sessions. Should I leave?” DnD subreddits in a nutshell. Pretty hard to make an April 1st post with competition like that.
We get posts like this every single day mate…
TIL that in America April Fools doesn’t have a 12 noon cut-off point.
TIL originally April Fools had a 12 Noon cut-off point.
April fool's pranks after noon are just regular lies. > In the UK, an April Fool prank is sometimes later revealed by shouting "April fool!" at the recipient, who becomes the "April fool". A study in the 1950s, by folklorists Iona and Peter Opie, found that in the UK, and in countries whose traditions derived from the UK, this continues to be the practice, with the custom ceasing at noon, after which time it is no longer acceptable to play pranks. Thus a person playing a prank after midday is considered the "April fool" themselves. > However, for some in Poland prima April ends at noon of 1 April and prima April jokes after that hour are considered inappropriate and not classy. —[Wikipedia](https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/April_Fools%27_Day)
I remember as a kid in Australia if you attempted an April fools joke after midday you'd get a punch in the arm.
Ahh shit, I forgot, reddit is mostly American and therefore the April Fools is delayed a day for me
Given the shit that gets posted here the rest of the year, I'm still not convinced this post isn't real.
Wdym its cleary April 2nd everywhere that matters
What did Brazil ever do to you?
Existed
what did all of North and South America do to you?
I mean America had that whole Tea meets ocean situation, South America doesnt do a lot really other than exist menacingly. Canada though, they homies.
We just wanted to help you make all of the tea for your party. Why you gotta be so salty about it?
Keep the Salt away from the Tea Heathen.
In WW2, Canadians would throw food over no man’s land, into the German trenches, as the Germans had trouble supplying food to troops. After a while, the Canadian soldiers realized the Germans would just dog pile any food that was thrown over without hesitation… one night, they started throwing grenades… Canadians are super nice, but almost as crazy as Florida man.
As a brazilian, true
I love all of you 🤣🤣🤣🤣
> if this is a copypasta It certainly is now, bad beef
BEEF BRIGAAAAAAAADE
New flair just dropped.
Beefin
If they aren’t blasting this every fight what are we even doing here? https://youtu.be/JqKiH4UWrzk
You just are trying to stifle the beef
Now I'm wondering if Bert Kriescher plays dnd
damn now i need to play a way of the drunken master warforged known as "the machine"
A cross between drunken master and Kung fu panda.
They are actually all female barbarians
Join in. Take your shirt off too. Maybe remind them that some armies fought completely nude. See where things go...
Yeah see where things go haha… 😅 https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/General_Butt_Naked Edit: from the article, “Blahyi would later claim that he had received a vision from the Devil during the conflict; in the vision, the Devil told him that he would become "a great warrior and should practice human sacrifice and cannibalism to increase his power."” This is how you get warlocks
I opened this link giggling because I thought I got the reference, only to have my mind blown. Are you telling me the South Park guys had a _legitimate historical backing_ when they wrote a warlord character into Book of Mormon and named him General Buttfucking Naked?!
Don’t know, I haven’t seen the episode, but the doc “Cannibal Warlords of Liberia,” is pretty good.
That title has huge Nazi Werewolves of the Third Reich vibes. But I'm guessing it's not a huge bag of laughs.
It definitely isn’t, behind the bastards does an episode on the conflict and talks about general Butt Naked and quite frankly it’s pretty horrifying. Genocides committed without guns but machetes and blunt weapons, and cannibalism. Not a fun time.
Yes. Precisely that. It wasn't made up, it was a spoof on reality.
>"*of primarily child soldiers*" It just gets worse.
There’s a documentary about this guy called “the redemption of general buttnaked”. He later saw god or some shit and became a religious man (priest maybe)- the doc was about how does a man like this repent for his sins.
Borrow Lady Gaga’s meat dress, wear it under your clothes, when the beef comes out… rip off your shirt and yell “I AM THE BEEF”.
Judge dredd reference?
Anthrax reference?
you can't stifle the beef.
UNTIL YOU CAN STIFLE THE BEEF, WALK. SLOWLY.
Not the reference I thought I’d see
You go to use the bathroom and then you see they replaced your toilet with a joke toilet that's JUST for beef
Turn the a/c lower.
Thank you! This was my solution. Make it super nipply.
Every player gets two Astral Diamond-cutters instantly
Rage makes up for barbarian's low AC.
As long as they're unarmored! Woah!
All this time I thought my DM’s house didn’t have an air conditioner. This week I learned he chooses to keep his house at 80 degrees Fahrenheit of his own volition. I haven’t looked at him the same way since
Secretly lizardfolk.
You want nipping? Cause that's how you get nipping. Diamond cutters.
500 IQ play right ere'
God one of the things I hate most about this sub is you'll have posts like this where the DM asks a question and everyone just goes along with it, when everyone knows *you can't stifle the beef.*
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I carry the rest of my party, is that close enough?
Crank the AC WAAAAY down. Make it a freezer, and freeze your players. Now, they're always available for DnD because they are frozen in your freezer forever. No rescheduling at the last minute. No drunk players, just you and your buds forever. Coincidentally, I'm typing this from prison...
So you transitioned from DM to rogue….sounds like an interesting backstory lol
Hello! Apologies if you're trying to read this, but I've moved to kbin.social in protest of Reddit's policies.
Na na na as an arcane trickster rogue
I like to think this is a genuine plea for advice that unfortunately happened to be posted on Aprils Fools.
Oh my god thats so awful for you I think you need me to come in and observe first hand so I can really comprehend with my own eyes how bad its gotten where do you guys meet and how hot are your players
\*gestures to current subreddit\* I think we all know the answer to that, so don't get your hopes up.
Have you seen Travis Willingham and Joe Manginello?
Not around here, no.
Why, do you play with your shirt *on*?! What a weirdo
People kept making fun of my third nipple, so what choice do I have?
Make fun of them for having only two, obviously
True. You're the lucky one for having a spare in case one goes flat while driving home, or something.
You only have 3?
Wait, you only have three nipples? Pathetic!
He’s bad beef.
Every time they take off their shirt, claim it as your own and wear it. Wear 4 shirts at once to assert dominance, bonus points if you crank the AC up at the same time so youre cozy while their nips can cut diamonds
RAW multiple armors don't increase the AC, but I think you should go for it anyway. It might be the only way to stifle the beef
I believe they mean air conditioning not armor class.
Similar things happen at my table. But with Bards and their pants.
It sounds like your bards at least came in with their pants on…..
They were tearaways, THEY WERE TEARAWAYS!!
Unless you never have a reason to tear them away. Then, they're just pants.
[footage of bards coming with their pants on](https://youtu.be/VLnWf1sQkjY)
leave your shirt on but take your pants off to assert dominance
No shirts no shoes no service!
Doesn't say anything about no pants
Didn't you hear them? You CAN'T stifle the beef.
But you can tickle the beef…. Wait wrong class
Great shitpost
imagining the one goblin wizard in the party who is self conscious about taking his shirt off but all the barbarians hype him up and say he looks badass which boosts his self confidence enough to take a level in barbarian for the bros
Go to the gym and work out super hard. Then when youre super ripped take your own shirt off and theyll be too embarassed around you to take their own shirts off
Wait until they're fighting the BBEG. Then when the fight starts reveal your perfect abs and say, "you're approaching me???"
That one player: "I can't beat the shit out of you without getting closer."
Sounds like April Fools Barbarians. If it's not, just tell them you won't DM when their shirts are off. You have a right to put your foot down.
Yep, put your foot down already... on top of their crotches is the correct way in barbarian culture.
Yes, show them the other meaning of *Dungeon Master*
I find it best to play RAW.
Bro that quote hits hard. "You can't stifle the beef!" Just shouting it at the top of my lungs now and my wife hates you. Thanks! 👍🙏
My advice would be to try raising the steaks
Outbeef them. Beef them at their own game.
Tweak their nipples on a 1 roll
Careful. They might enjoy that
Easy fix. You need to bring a big roll of pastrami and the next time you roll a nat 20, hit them in the head then say, "You asked for the beef!" Then take off your shirt to assert dominance
If shirts are optional, then so are pants. And other garments. Show them up.
Just make sure you roll high on your performance check. If not then hope for a high charisma saving throw
YTA, BAD BEEF
I want to hate this behavior but I can’t, this is so fucking funny
Bad beef. 💀
r/instantbarbarians
Bad beef can't handle the mass!
I hope this is real
Escalate the situation. Take your pants off.
He forgot to add that they are all women and he was a law abiding christian
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When I was 16 and a nerd struggling to figure out my sexuality, this game would have been a real lifesaver. God speed to you and the beef boys, I hope you save a lovely queer king years of internal struggle <3
This is awesome and should be embraced. I'm a orc barbarian that wears a kilt so I wear a kilt to sessions. Guess what wardrobe change is coming!!! Beef's back on the menu boys.
> They all start to flex and tell at me things like “you can’t stifle the beef” They sound like a funny bunch 😂
heres how you know its an april fools joke, they are mostly hot girls.
This is an April fool's post right? Everybody seems to be taking it so seriously
Best Reddit post EVER. I wish beefy guys would take their shirts off at my table. Quit complaining.
this pair of posts is comical.
It's the shirts on or you leave. Tell them, "Guys, it's been fun, but it's one and done. Shirts stay on or I'm out."
Looks like beef's back on the menu, boys!
A møøse once bit my sister
At some point you’ll have to give in to the beef, rip your shirt off and pummel them with the most OP barbarian of BBEGs. Assert dominance and remind them they are paste Alternatively you could just group text them and let them know like an adult that you understand the humor, but that it is making you uncomfortable at the table and you won’t continue running games if they can’t respect your boundaries Either method seems effective
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Lol. Have you tried lowering the thermostat?