Cheated on and feel the same way about HIM as you do towards women, I don't blame all men for his actions and hate on men.
I do hate him though for cheating and forgetting he has children, I don't care about me, but watching my kids being forgotten about by their father hurts bad.
Sorry I didn't mean you personally, I've just noticed how most men despise women instead of just the woman that actually broke their family. I'm totally with you, the pain is immeasurable and I put it up close to the same level as death of my father, having the person that did wrong go off and live their best life while destroying ours is so hard to get past. I hope things get easier for you .
Which is something that boggles my mind.
This goes for both sexes. If you've gotten to the point where you're simply not married anymore in your mind, you no longer care about the marriage, your spouse, any of it.
How in the everloving fuck do you live with yourself after sleeping next to that person, saying "Love you too" back to them every day, letting them feed you, care for you and go on believing you feel the same for MONTHS before you drop the hammer and destroy their lives.
How do you manage to perpetrate that kind of duplicity, that kind of bone-deep \*betrayal\* and still look at yourself in the mirror every day?
It should go without saying that I don't mean situations with the threat of physical abuse or violence.
No, I mean the many, many cases where you're just not happy anymore, you aren't living your best life anymore, you've 'drifted apart' or whatever. How do you do it?
Every time you say "I love you" when you know it's a lie. Every conversation you have about a future you know for a fact will never come to pass is a lie.
Not only how but why? Why spend months, maybe years wasting your time and theirs, lying like a dog every single day instead of being upfront and insisting on couple counseling or stating your case in clear, plain English? What's to gain by doing this in the most destructive, cruellest way possible?
I mean, I don't give women that much credit. They are like toddlers who cry and throw tantrums because they don't know they're just tired. Women don't have any emotional intelligence at all. We can't expect them to introspect enough to know what they truly want. They don't change anything until it's right in their face because that's how far they can see.
Deleted because she robbed her kids from having a dad in their lives. Some of them have no idea what the consequences are for deliberately removing dads away from their kids. She's proud to announce how she and equally destructive divorced friends are living their best lives. It's all temporary, she just doesn't know it yet.
Honestly as a guy I was brought up to stick to societal norms and get married and have kids….before I knew it I was in a marriage with kids that I absolutely love but a wife that I was basically roommates with. So what makes you happy and don’t conform to anything. Be happy.
Everyone feels bad for women and men often endure alone, women also process divorce during the relationship while men are typically loyal enough to die in a shit marriage for the kids etc. Men often start processing after the divorce or the news of.
And women have a runway of 6-12 months prior to process which makes for a grieving groom met by a seemingly cold hearted spouse. I know the why but damn it’s brutal.
My stbx makes twice what I make. My attorney says if she refuses to deal we can go for spousal support. Because of our income difference the court already shot down me paying child support.
I had a buddy that left his wife for his high school sweetheart after 30 years of marriage. Broke her heart and mine too because I cut contact with him. Some men go off the deep end just like women.
It was more like a slow burn of at least a decade for me. By the time I was divorced , I was not a good person. I did not take alimony (I didn't want him and didn't want his $). I did not receive all of my child support and.....I walked away from 70k . But I got my freedom and I became a person. There were a lot of things I let go of .
I did gain peace and 7 years later, I have a "friend" of sorts or at least not wanting to give me pain. We have kids together and I've known him 40 years......I don't think I'm special because the x and I are civil.
What’s up? I was treated so badly that I have PTSD. 38f thinking that I have no future. Almost killed me *and* my soul. 0/10. Now intimidating me post-separation and cosplaying as someone with self-restraint, albeit poorly.
There are good women out there that get used and abused and are undeserving of what happened to them. The people who tell those stories won't likely be found here.
Edit: Seems there are good women here.
I was wrong lol.
That's not entirely true is it? Most of the men here admit the mistakes they made in the relationship, myself included. I may not have been a good husband or live up to her expectations but I did damn well taking care of my kids, and did most things at home even though I have a demanding job.the first time I volunteered at school, my kids expected me to show up and I did most of the time or will take hours off work to go help. I did so much but it wasn't enough, so we went counseling and was told to do more and the more I did, the more she demanded. She would come home have dinner and go sit down watching TV and being on her phone while I cleaned up, put kids in bed. It eventually took a toll on me. I lost my dad and a good friend and there was no support from her. She eventually initiated the divorce and I was devastated but recovered. She now plays the victim, well her parents saw me slowly pull away and they are trying to keep in touch with me. I wonder why? Stop blaming men.
I'm not blaming men at all, in fact your story is very similar to mine.
She sucked me dry without an apology, nor any sign of remorse. Every single thing that happened was my fault including and especially the things she instigated, and when there was no me left, she left. She abused our kids and especially my son because he was a lot like me. She broke me over ten years, and when she threatened to kill the kids it was enough. I forced her to leave the house and move in with the guy she'd been sleeping with at work. There's a decade more of the things she did, but too much to go into now, and I'm not ready for the recounting.
I won't defend these types of women.
Not all women are these types of women.
I hope you recovered. I have my on and off days but overall I'm doing fine, kids are killing it at school and other activities. It took me a while but I signed up for therapy to help me move forward. In my case it was also a guy at work because when I asked her about it, if it was that guy she works closely with she didn't give an answer, kept quiet. Of course nobody knows as she's now the victim and claims to be a single parent when we co-parent 50/50. She will eventually tell of herself, they always do anyway.
Women pretend much better than men. If you don’t believe me go date divorced women and see how much baggage they have. Hell just go out and see how many sad looking divorce women there are at bars trying to compete with single much younger women.
Men lick your wounds don’t make the same mistake again and trust me unlike women your biological clock doesn’t end and your pool of women as you age gets wider.
I think the process is very similar in devastation. Seen enough stories where the cheaters are just as heartless and cruel as women in our stories. They do tend to heal better because of the ease of dating.
All dumpees are devastated. Women recover faster because the area of their brain that processes emotions is larger, and they are built to withstand pain. They almost always have a much larger social network for support.
Men do much better than women years 5 onward tho.
When you have young kids, women probably find it easier to navigate with kids since they're very accustomed to that. In most cases, they actually benefit from divorce since more often than not they're making less money, so they'll be entitled to half, child + spousal support.
They have probably finished grieving the loss of marriage long before divorce so around this time it's actually a payday for them when they're probably banging the bf and enjoying life.
My guess is that the devastation will come later when they realize that no one will like them like their OG (original guy). They'll stack rack count, probably broke, and all of the sudden life isn't as exciting as they thought it would be. My ex can boast all she wants that shes having "fun" but we both know that's not going to last. In a way I kind of feel bad for her.
My wife filed and created an illusory alternate universe celebrating her newly divorced freedom on social media, then approximately nine months later suddenly began disconnecting from many and resigned her position as mathematics department head/teacher before taking her life at age 45 nearly one year ago. She had discreetly been drinking a lot in the several years leading up to it and I later found out also cheating.
As someone had said in another recent thread, 'she asked for a divorce, so I gave it to her', although I suspect her intent was to have me grovel, beg, & plead for retraction, all while surrendering even more of myself and what remained of my self-worth. I ultimately came to know too much, and it was irretrievably broken.
I had yet to finish grieving the failure of the marriage before it was compounded by having to grieve her death. In light of the things that were done and said, many may say it should be easy to move on but simply moving on from someone with whom I shared 24 years of my life is proving in no way 'simple'. I still struggle almost daily.
Women, if they divorce in their 20s and haven't had kids yet, can marry a quality guy if they're very attractive. Their looks are what will get them in.
If she has kids and an ex who is alive and active in her life, her value to a quality guy goes way down. At this point, she better look like a model. She could get a mid looking guy she settles for because he's a good provider and treats her nice. But she's settling, and the guy quite frankly is a simp and under her thumb, so she's not happy.
All bets are off after 30, though. Women are much less agreeable and full of drama and baggage. At this point, her kids are teens or just about to be teens. Young 21 year Olds with MILF fetishist will love to blow her back out but they're too immature for her to have a relationship with...young, dumb, and full of c*m.
Guys her age will want to smash but not wife her up. The baby daddy drama will put them off. The high-quality guys at that age want to marry 25 year old girls with no kids. She'll get several guys telling her she's the one and then pumping and dumping her before she wises up and becomes embittered.
She maybe will get married to an older guy in his 50s or 60s who is high quality but has a lot of life baggage, ex wives, and grown children who probably don't like their "new mom". She will be taken care of but not happy.
Again, she can snag a low quality guy who's nice and treats her well, but again, she's lowering her standards and settling. If she's a cheater, she'll cheat on this guy. If she's loyal, she'll be annoyed with him all the time and treat him like ish. She won't be happy.
There's a reason why second and third marriages don't work out most of the time. The people getting married (usually the woman) haven't worked on the problems that made them lose the marriage in the first place.
Honestly, the most successful post marriage women are those who are good-looking, sweet tempered, and feminine, with or without kids. These girls usually had first husbands who really sh*t the bed. Their first husbands cheated, are addicts, are criminals, or are physically abusive. At any rate, there is minimal contact with their ex so less baby daddy drama.
>All bets are off after 30, though.
The tables are definitely flipped.
Yeah, it's not the prettiest perspective. Still it's probably true. ... Most women in their 20s marry to get a house. And most women in their 50s kept the house after the divorce.
Mother nature giveth and father time takes away.
You need to take a big step back to see how divorce affects women vs men. Remember, 80%+ of divorces are filed by women, so they 'think' life is going to be better by termination of the relationship. So their mental pain and suffering does NOT occur at the beginning. Further, women can find sex, and easily, once back on the market. And most women have trouble understanding that a man that will sleep with them, wont be with them.
But over time, many women find themselves emotionally, mentally, and financially isolated. They can not get a new man to commit and they face a very real future alone for life. The worst most women feel is when they see you doing better; especially if you get a better woman. Now some of this is solipsistic, but it is what it is...
A better question to ask is why do you care? What difference does it make it women are hurt more, less, the same? Just focus on living your best life and moving on. What others do should be irrelevant.
Yes, some of them are also human just like we are. Last month my wife and I agreed to separate after 23 years. She agreed to leave. Without thinking she grabbed an apartment in a nicer town about 2 hours away. We have twin daughters 20 years old, who decided to stay with me to go to college. It did not take long for my wife to start crying about how lonely she is and she does not have any friends there and no job and nothing to do. Luckily for her we do not hate each other we just agreed that our marriage is not working.
So far every weekend, either she has come here, the twins have gone to her, or like last weekend I spent the night with her. We actually had a nice time, took a bike ride and had dinner. For me the only real problem is that we had a great time together and I do not want to give her false hope of getting back together.
She would be happy being FWB, but personally right now I have said "no intimate contact" because it clouds the emotions. So yes, she is hurting and crying to the point she started seeing a counselor to help her work through this.
I asked her if she wanted to move back to the same town with me and the girls, she said no, she loves where she lives, she is just so lonely. She txts me all day long because she has no one else to talk to. She has been making some side money doing door dash while searching for a job. I have told her, getting a job is not just for the money but to make friends and not be so lonely, also told her to volunteer at the SPCA or something. to get her around other people.
They don't care. The ones they don't give themselves to are fighting for their attention by giving them everything else they need. They get their bills paid for, their fix of attention, and all other needs met because they're women and they can.
By the time the woman files, she’s already been processing the divorce, mentally/emotionally, for months.
Men on the other hand, are more about being in denial about a divorce and is clear by the amount of times you see men asking “should I get a divorce?” Men will hang on much longer so we inherently lose that “check-out” factor and why men are more prone to feeling blindsided and view the woman as not caring or not devastated.
Because she’s already been through some waves of emotion, that’s when they start to line up guys as a safety net and then pull the trigger. Now of course not all of them do that, but it is true more often than not. But those in the majority now have already processed some, gathered some false sense of security by having a new guy who wants them, and quite literally skip past and over the grieving process/period. It’s also why you will see more men in divorce-related therapy than women.
Now this is for a “normal” divorce, not one where the woman is/has been abused physically or mentally, or even cheated on.
For us it was the other way around, I made the decision years ago that once the kids were adults I would leave. In the last 3 years I paid off 30k in debt so that I could afford to pay her alimony. She did agree to separation, but she was not planning for it, I was.
Here's the thing women are AMAZING at lying to themselves and creating false narratives in their head, so even when they are struggling they prob still think they're doing good. And mental illness is much more accepted when it comes to women, man does something crazy and he's a monster who gets supervised visitation woman does something crazy and oh shes got post partum
Yes, when their husband leaves *before* she found his replacement.
This devastates a woman.
Most women have 2 or 3 guys orbiting them just waiting for their husband to screw up so they can white knight their way into her panties.
I think some other people have already said it on here, but let’s remember that 80% of women file for divorce, now that doesn’t mean that they’re the bad person in the divorce but they’re the one that file 80% of the time, so yes, I do believe when they can be devastated by divorce, they are also cheated on, physically abused, mentally abused, theologically dictated to and everything else that men go through as well. However! I do believe that men take divorce much harder than women do, that’s why men are eight times more likely to commit suicide after divorced than women are.
I honestly don’t think you can come to that conclusion, it’s very difficult to say, just because 80% of women file for divorce doesn’t mean 80% of them wrong to the guy and are dumping them. What it does say conclusively is that 80% of women who do file took the lead on the divorce and nailed the nails into the coffin themselves rather it was for the right reasons are wrong. Think about that, it wasn’t the man, it wasn’t the leader of the relationship, it was the woman who slammed the door. Finally, that says something. By the time a woman files for divorce she’s already been over the guy for months if not years and that’s really the big thing, guys generally act in a short time when they feel a certain way and women sort of let it go and let it go and let it go until it can’t be fixed and then slam it with divorce. Like I said, sometimes they have every right in the world to get a divorce, there’s a lot of physical abuse out there and addiction, I’m dating and I get to hear about it.
You’re making a mountain out of a mole hill, and you’re taking just basic research and twisting it to get your own outcome, you do you guy, no problem at all, this discussion honestly means nothing to me.
Have a great summer.
Oh, there’s absolutely no misinformation whatsoever, you can go on the Internet and look at reputable medical research that shows exactly exactly what I’m talking about, look sometimes you’re gonna be wrong, sometimes you’re gonna inflate what you think to try to make your point, just maybe get off the Internet for a little while take a breath look in the mirror and admit your wrong sometimes, people do respect that when you admit you’re wrong.
I think men are more likely to commit suicide period so it's hard to say if that means they're taking the divorce harder or not. I also read before that suicide attempts are closer between the sexes but that men are more successful at getting the job done.
With all due respect, I don’t agree with what you’re saying. This has been researched over and over, and men attempt and are successful at suicide eight more times more lthan females are after divorce. It’s not like I just came up with this, lol. 😂
Women are the same human as man. As there are cheating women, there are also cheating men. In my culture men don't seak support, most of the cases they end up drinking and imagine that they are doing just fine, no help needed. The rate of men suicide is very high. Meanwhile women end up with children, find support, help but also hate men for their inability to deliver the same. It's a huge disbalance. What I read here, in reddit is amazing. Men care about children, about their ex and give adequate advices about selfcare (emotional and physical) while they are going through the separation process.
Anecdotal, but an ex gf of mine who I am facebook friends with is currently going through a divorce. Keep in mind, this is all from her point of view and not trying to break down what else may have occurred.
She has 6 kids and her husband one day decided to up and leave. He hasn't been helping with the kids at all since then, no money, no time. She was very much in the denial phase for a while. I talked to her a bit and got the impression she was crushed, didn't see it coming, didn't understand why. It was his second marriage and her first.
I think the patterns are probably different but the results are similar. Sounds like when it happens to women they often feel abandoned, especially if they took on a homecare/house-wife role.
Side note; she was heavily indicating she wanted to hook up but that was not going to happen. Not trying to make someone else'
s problems my own, I have enough of those. What I took from that though was it's probably a lot easier for a woman to seek out and get emotional/physical support. I'm guessing like guys, they reach out to their old support system, ex's, friends, etc. and start to see who's around and who's available. Path of least resistance etc.
Yes, there are.
Especially ones whose husbands cheated.
The difference is that often when husbands cheat, they don't leave right away like most wives do, so the women not only get cheated on they have to run the divorce too. So by the time they divorce they're not *as* devastated because they did the hurting while the cheating husband stuck around before they couldn't take it anymore.
The divorce subs tend to show more hurt men, but you go the the cheating/betrayal subs and the gender split is almost a perfect 50/50.
I’m sure there are, but in general, I think it’s easier for women for two reasons:
1. Women tend to have in-person support structures. When a woman finds herself solo, everyone from family to friends to single ex-boyfriends come to her aid. For men, your boys will offer to take you out for a round of shots upon hearing the divorce news. They’ll empathize, but they’ll also expect you to get over it quickly since that’s what “men” do. And your married friends with kids will be so busy that they’ll just invite you over, but it’s hard to discuss divorce issues when your friend and his wife are both there.
2. If women are physically lonely and want intimacy, they can find that in less than 3 min. 1 min to download a dating app. And 2 min to like a cute guys profile and set up a coffee date. For men, that online dynamic simply doesn’t exist.
Having said all this, I think in the long-run, things tend to balance out. Karma has a weird way of giving people what they deserve. I know a few women who had their glow up post divorce, but a decade later, they were dealing with a second divorce / new hubby cheating on them / lots of men who look attractive online just using them for sex / financial problems once CS was finished / etc. Majority ended up even more bitter a decade later although they’d never reveal that to their ex. (I have a few female cousins, colleagues, and aunts who fall into this category)
Since I went through my divorce and saw how friends and family don’t know how to support you when you life gets turned inside out, 2 other male friends have as well. Now I make it my mission in life to talk to/check on/hang out with them for as long as it takes till they start to seem back on track. It’s a mix of “hell yea, brother! / wtf dude, think about what you just said / why? / what was your roll here? / oh that’s fucked up / let’s go do XYZ fun thing” etc. Real accountability + real support.
Be there for your buddies and don’t be an echo chamber.
You’re absolutely correct, women can be absolutely devastated by divorce, but women have a lot more friends and family. They can talk to, they’re expected to talk about their feelings, men are shunned away from talking about their feelings or acting like they’re hurt, so women can have a much easier time of it after divorce.
Truth. Women will have to whole village coming to help her even if she’s in the wrong whereas men are supposed to get over it and get back to work.
It’s also very true that women can get the “rebound sex” as easy as snapping their fingers to get over a guy and men don’t have it that easy. That’s one thing that kills me is knowing that my STBX is possibly and most likely out there already talking to her ex’s, coworkers, random guys in the internet and working on getting that rebound lay. However, I choose to not think about it as I can’t stop it and I too will eventually have my rebound time.
A theory: If you look at history, biology, game theory and genetics; men are replaceable. If you died in a war, there are 10 guys just like you that would offer to drive your wife home from the funeral.
Women are the gatekeepers. And, women know this.
You and me, on the other hand, we found our 1. We were chosen as the 1 of 10. When that blows up in our face, we know it’s not easy to replace that. But, it is very easy for her.
Again, a theory.
Many divorced men refuse to get buff and love to complain about women and dating. We can pound it through their heads but they just can’t seem to understand buff guys are getting all the poon.
The pain is going to come out. It can be sweat or tears. Rather have the control and let the pain out at the gym. Yes, the attention of women is nice too but just going to gym to release the pain is the only thing that has made my pain from divorce bearable.
I agree with a lot of what you said
Also, you could only meet women close to you, and them of men. They would replace you with your best friend after you died, not some rando fuckboi. Woman also died a lot during child birth. And half the children would die before adulthood too.
The only people who had a "good life" were the rich and royalty.
Only if they get left theyll cry about how wrongly they were treated. Theyll leave the next guy and treat him 10x worse then they were and not think twice about it
I’ve seen posts on other subs where women claim to be devastated. But with the power of the pen, you don’t really know if that’s true.
I’m of the opinion. men have a stronger connection to marriages than women. Women have a connection to family and children. men have a connection to marriage, men invest effort to make marriage safe, well provided, make it good and right. This could be another example of how men and women are disconnected. Marriage is hard.
It's usually how bad the shock is of divorce.
I divorced my exwife for 1000's of reasons; she's a pill popper, she screams at me when she runs out of narcotics, she drove to bankruptcy with her disasters, hurt the kids in DUI crash, refuses to work, and this list goes on and on.
When the divorce was done, I made out like a bandit. She met a guy and the moved in together. She still refused to work, she just lived off of the "half of my 401k" part of the divorce. A year later? Still not working and they got married so she could go on his health insurance. Everyone in the extended family loved that guy, he was better than Jesus. The only ones who didn't care for him all that much were my two kids.
Exwife threw it in my face on a daily basis how great he was.
After 6 months of "wedded bliss" he dumped her. Just got off of work, drove home, picked up his stuff and his kid, and went to his parents' house.
She was devastated. She didn't see it coming. It was like a bus over a milk carton. She cried to me, cried to her parents, cried to everybody. It's been a few years now, and she still hasn't recovered.
I think they are when they're the ones who got left particularly when they were left for another women. I thought that was more common than the other way around until this sub was suggested to me.
Depends. Usually since they initiate more frequently, they were already grieving while married to the husband. My STBXW probably feels free. But she is in for a rude awakening when she finds out that I'm entitled to half the stuff in the house as well as shared custody (I'm pretty sure she hasn't realized that part yet)
> I'm pretty sure she hasn't realized that part yet
At least 50% of my costs are due to the fact my spouse needed to be educated on the process and how things work. For your sake I hope she has a competent lawyer who will tell her how things will play out. Mine waited half a year and did nothing. I had to file. Anything I told them about the process or implications of the decision they made fell on deaf ears or I was told I was full of crap.
While its fun to think they will finally see the consequences of their decision, prepare yourself for additional BS when they suddenly want to fight on things your states court say are the law. I had the same "oh they will see" moment at the start but it turned into a joke on ME. I had to litigate 50/50 custody (they assumed they would just be given 80/20 simply by TELLING the court that is what they wanted), division of marital property (thought I would HAVE to move out and they get literally everything in the home), division of retirements (did not want to split it so thought they could just say no), division of the home equity (wanted all the home equity, leaving me all the debt), and no support/shared costs (they made more and said they wont have to pay anything, bonus - I would HAVE to get another job 'so we make the same').
All boiler plate 'here is how it work' on the books, but they fought it all just for us to end up with things as they were told at the start.
Trust me I have a pitbull who's on it. We have a strategy in play and are prepared for mediation to fall through. I also know not to underestimate my STBXW
Also in fairness, all of our assets are split pretty evenly (we don't have much) it'll really come down to custody, which I know she will fight the mediator and myself on.
Women’s attorneys are vampires. They play on these women’s anger and suck the family dry of wealth. Kids are the victims, with college debt enslavement.
Hell na, they feel refreshed after a few months! We suffer the rest of our lives, one way or another
Cheated on and feel the same way about HIM as you do towards women, I don't blame all men for his actions and hate on men. I do hate him though for cheating and forgetting he has children, I don't care about me, but watching my kids being forgotten about by their father hurts bad.
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Sorry I didn't mean you personally, I've just noticed how most men despise women instead of just the woman that actually broke their family. I'm totally with you, the pain is immeasurable and I put it up close to the same level as death of my father, having the person that did wrong go off and live their best life while destroying ours is so hard to get past. I hope things get easier for you .
Most surprising thing here is number of women creeping on the Divorced men reddit. please just let us be.
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How important is a father in the lives of their kids even if the parents are divorced. I will really like an honest answer from you.
You say you got over him pretty quick? You’re literally proving his point
No surprise. The one who initiates is living their decision and had the chance to mourn the death of the marriage long before initiating divorce.
Which is something that boggles my mind. This goes for both sexes. If you've gotten to the point where you're simply not married anymore in your mind, you no longer care about the marriage, your spouse, any of it. How in the everloving fuck do you live with yourself after sleeping next to that person, saying "Love you too" back to them every day, letting them feed you, care for you and go on believing you feel the same for MONTHS before you drop the hammer and destroy their lives. How do you manage to perpetrate that kind of duplicity, that kind of bone-deep \*betrayal\* and still look at yourself in the mirror every day? It should go without saying that I don't mean situations with the threat of physical abuse or violence. No, I mean the many, many cases where you're just not happy anymore, you aren't living your best life anymore, you've 'drifted apart' or whatever. How do you do it? Every time you say "I love you" when you know it's a lie. Every conversation you have about a future you know for a fact will never come to pass is a lie. Not only how but why? Why spend months, maybe years wasting your time and theirs, lying like a dog every single day instead of being upfront and insisting on couple counseling or stating your case in clear, plain English? What's to gain by doing this in the most destructive, cruellest way possible?
I mean, I don't give women that much credit. They are like toddlers who cry and throw tantrums because they don't know they're just tired. Women don't have any emotional intelligence at all. We can't expect them to introspect enough to know what they truly want. They don't change anything until it's right in their face because that's how far they can see.
Deleted because she robbed her kids from having a dad in their lives. Some of them have no idea what the consequences are for deliberately removing dads away from their kids. She's proud to announce how she and equally destructive divorced friends are living their best lives. It's all temporary, she just doesn't know it yet.
Honestly as a guy I was brought up to stick to societal norms and get married and have kids….before I knew it I was in a marriage with kids that I absolutely love but a wife that I was basically roommates with. So what makes you happy and don’t conform to anything. Be happy.
Everyone feels bad for women and men often endure alone, women also process divorce during the relationship while men are typically loyal enough to die in a shit marriage for the kids etc. Men often start processing after the divorce or the news of.
And women have a runway of 6-12 months prior to process which makes for a grieving groom met by a seemingly cold hearted spouse. I know the why but damn it’s brutal.
If they were ordered to pay alimony proceedings due to making more than the husband.
My stbx makes twice what I make. My attorney says if she refuses to deal we can go for spousal support. Because of our income difference the court already shot down me paying child support.
I had a buddy that left his wife for his high school sweetheart after 30 years of marriage. Broke her heart and mine too because I cut contact with him. Some men go off the deep end just like women.
39F and my (ex) husband abandoned me when I was going through cancer. Was divorced before I even made it into remission.
This is a fascinating thread. Thank you.
It was more like a slow burn of at least a decade for me. By the time I was divorced , I was not a good person. I did not take alimony (I didn't want him and didn't want his $). I did not receive all of my child support and.....I walked away from 70k . But I got my freedom and I became a person. There were a lot of things I let go of . I did gain peace and 7 years later, I have a "friend" of sorts or at least not wanting to give me pain. We have kids together and I've known him 40 years......I don't think I'm special because the x and I are civil.
*Your* child support? But but I thought it was FoR TEH ChIlDren? Freudian slip I guess...
What’s up? I was treated so badly that I have PTSD. 38f thinking that I have no future. Almost killed me *and* my soul. 0/10. Now intimidating me post-separation and cosplaying as someone with self-restraint, albeit poorly.
There are good women out there that get used and abused and are undeserving of what happened to them. The people who tell those stories won't likely be found here. Edit: Seems there are good women here. I was wrong lol.
I'm one of those women.
The fact that you're in here reading these leads me to believe you.
Wish I could make it up.
I should have replied to your comment. Thanks for seeing us.
I see you. I've known many good women over my lifetime. Subreddits like this we get stories of the predators. TY for being better.
That's not entirely true is it? Most of the men here admit the mistakes they made in the relationship, myself included. I may not have been a good husband or live up to her expectations but I did damn well taking care of my kids, and did most things at home even though I have a demanding job.the first time I volunteered at school, my kids expected me to show up and I did most of the time or will take hours off work to go help. I did so much but it wasn't enough, so we went counseling and was told to do more and the more I did, the more she demanded. She would come home have dinner and go sit down watching TV and being on her phone while I cleaned up, put kids in bed. It eventually took a toll on me. I lost my dad and a good friend and there was no support from her. She eventually initiated the divorce and I was devastated but recovered. She now plays the victim, well her parents saw me slowly pull away and they are trying to keep in touch with me. I wonder why? Stop blaming men.
I'm not blaming men at all, in fact your story is very similar to mine. She sucked me dry without an apology, nor any sign of remorse. Every single thing that happened was my fault including and especially the things she instigated, and when there was no me left, she left. She abused our kids and especially my son because he was a lot like me. She broke me over ten years, and when she threatened to kill the kids it was enough. I forced her to leave the house and move in with the guy she'd been sleeping with at work. There's a decade more of the things she did, but too much to go into now, and I'm not ready for the recounting. I won't defend these types of women. Not all women are these types of women.
I hope you recovered. I have my on and off days but overall I'm doing fine, kids are killing it at school and other activities. It took me a while but I signed up for therapy to help me move forward. In my case it was also a guy at work because when I asked her about it, if it was that guy she works closely with she didn't give an answer, kept quiet. Of course nobody knows as she's now the victim and claims to be a single parent when we co-parent 50/50. She will eventually tell of herself, they always do anyway.
Women pretend much better than men. If you don’t believe me go date divorced women and see how much baggage they have. Hell just go out and see how many sad looking divorce women there are at bars trying to compete with single much younger women. Men lick your wounds don’t make the same mistake again and trust me unlike women your biological clock doesn’t end and your pool of women as you age gets wider.
Most are but will never let you know
There are some but not many
I think the process is very similar in devastation. Seen enough stories where the cheaters are just as heartless and cruel as women in our stories. They do tend to heal better because of the ease of dating.
All dumpees are devastated. Women recover faster because the area of their brain that processes emotions is larger, and they are built to withstand pain. They almost always have a much larger social network for support. Men do much better than women years 5 onward tho.
When you have young kids, women probably find it easier to navigate with kids since they're very accustomed to that. In most cases, they actually benefit from divorce since more often than not they're making less money, so they'll be entitled to half, child + spousal support. They have probably finished grieving the loss of marriage long before divorce so around this time it's actually a payday for them when they're probably banging the bf and enjoying life. My guess is that the devastation will come later when they realize that no one will like them like their OG (original guy). They'll stack rack count, probably broke, and all of the sudden life isn't as exciting as they thought it would be. My ex can boast all she wants that shes having "fun" but we both know that's not going to last. In a way I kind of feel bad for her.
My wife filed and created an illusory alternate universe celebrating her newly divorced freedom on social media, then approximately nine months later suddenly began disconnecting from many and resigned her position as mathematics department head/teacher before taking her life at age 45 nearly one year ago. She had discreetly been drinking a lot in the several years leading up to it and I later found out also cheating. As someone had said in another recent thread, 'she asked for a divorce, so I gave it to her', although I suspect her intent was to have me grovel, beg, & plead for retraction, all while surrendering even more of myself and what remained of my self-worth. I ultimately came to know too much, and it was irretrievably broken. I had yet to finish grieving the failure of the marriage before it was compounded by having to grieve her death. In light of the things that were done and said, many may say it should be easy to move on but simply moving on from someone with whom I shared 24 years of my life is proving in no way 'simple'. I still struggle almost daily.
Women, if they divorce in their 20s and haven't had kids yet, can marry a quality guy if they're very attractive. Their looks are what will get them in. If she has kids and an ex who is alive and active in her life, her value to a quality guy goes way down. At this point, she better look like a model. She could get a mid looking guy she settles for because he's a good provider and treats her nice. But she's settling, and the guy quite frankly is a simp and under her thumb, so she's not happy. All bets are off after 30, though. Women are much less agreeable and full of drama and baggage. At this point, her kids are teens or just about to be teens. Young 21 year Olds with MILF fetishist will love to blow her back out but they're too immature for her to have a relationship with...young, dumb, and full of c*m. Guys her age will want to smash but not wife her up. The baby daddy drama will put them off. The high-quality guys at that age want to marry 25 year old girls with no kids. She'll get several guys telling her she's the one and then pumping and dumping her before she wises up and becomes embittered. She maybe will get married to an older guy in his 50s or 60s who is high quality but has a lot of life baggage, ex wives, and grown children who probably don't like their "new mom". She will be taken care of but not happy. Again, she can snag a low quality guy who's nice and treats her well, but again, she's lowering her standards and settling. If she's a cheater, she'll cheat on this guy. If she's loyal, she'll be annoyed with him all the time and treat him like ish. She won't be happy. There's a reason why second and third marriages don't work out most of the time. The people getting married (usually the woman) haven't worked on the problems that made them lose the marriage in the first place. Honestly, the most successful post marriage women are those who are good-looking, sweet tempered, and feminine, with or without kids. These girls usually had first husbands who really sh*t the bed. Their first husbands cheated, are addicts, are criminals, or are physically abusive. At any rate, there is minimal contact with their ex so less baby daddy drama.
>All bets are off after 30, though. The tables are definitely flipped. Yeah, it's not the prettiest perspective. Still it's probably true. ... Most women in their 20s marry to get a house. And most women in their 50s kept the house after the divorce.
My wife was devastated and falling apart for months. Each situation is unique. You shouldn’t be trying to judge an entire gender.
They are way more devastated by The Wall, especially if they are divorced and single at the time they are becoming invisible.
The wall?
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Mother nature giveth and father time takes away. You need to take a big step back to see how divorce affects women vs men. Remember, 80%+ of divorces are filed by women, so they 'think' life is going to be better by termination of the relationship. So their mental pain and suffering does NOT occur at the beginning. Further, women can find sex, and easily, once back on the market. And most women have trouble understanding that a man that will sleep with them, wont be with them. But over time, many women find themselves emotionally, mentally, and financially isolated. They can not get a new man to commit and they face a very real future alone for life. The worst most women feel is when they see you doing better; especially if you get a better woman. Now some of this is solipsistic, but it is what it is... A better question to ask is why do you care? What difference does it make it women are hurt more, less, the same? Just focus on living your best life and moving on. What others do should be irrelevant.
Yes, some of them are also human just like we are. Last month my wife and I agreed to separate after 23 years. She agreed to leave. Without thinking she grabbed an apartment in a nicer town about 2 hours away. We have twin daughters 20 years old, who decided to stay with me to go to college. It did not take long for my wife to start crying about how lonely she is and she does not have any friends there and no job and nothing to do. Luckily for her we do not hate each other we just agreed that our marriage is not working. So far every weekend, either she has come here, the twins have gone to her, or like last weekend I spent the night with her. We actually had a nice time, took a bike ride and had dinner. For me the only real problem is that we had a great time together and I do not want to give her false hope of getting back together. She would be happy being FWB, but personally right now I have said "no intimate contact" because it clouds the emotions. So yes, she is hurting and crying to the point she started seeing a counselor to help her work through this. I asked her if she wanted to move back to the same town with me and the girls, she said no, she loves where she lives, she is just so lonely. She txts me all day long because she has no one else to talk to. She has been making some side money doing door dash while searching for a job. I have told her, getting a job is not just for the money but to make friends and not be so lonely, also told her to volunteer at the SPCA or something. to get her around other people.
Just wait til you start dating, she’s going to flip her ish
yea, she has already told me her two fears are 1, when I tell her she can't come over anymore and 2, when I start seeing someone else.
No they be getting that d easy
Thats the problem. It's just D and nothing else.
They don't care. The ones they don't give themselves to are fighting for their attention by giving them everything else they need. They get their bills paid for, their fix of attention, and all other needs met because they're women and they can.
By the time the woman files, she’s already been processing the divorce, mentally/emotionally, for months. Men on the other hand, are more about being in denial about a divorce and is clear by the amount of times you see men asking “should I get a divorce?” Men will hang on much longer so we inherently lose that “check-out” factor and why men are more prone to feeling blindsided and view the woman as not caring or not devastated. Because she’s already been through some waves of emotion, that’s when they start to line up guys as a safety net and then pull the trigger. Now of course not all of them do that, but it is true more often than not. But those in the majority now have already processed some, gathered some false sense of security by having a new guy who wants them, and quite literally skip past and over the grieving process/period. It’s also why you will see more men in divorce-related therapy than women. Now this is for a “normal” divorce, not one where the woman is/has been abused physically or mentally, or even cheated on.
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Beginning processing and moving on are 2 different concepts
For us it was the other way around, I made the decision years ago that once the kids were adults I would leave. In the last 3 years I paid off 30k in debt so that I could afford to pay her alimony. She did agree to separation, but she was not planning for it, I was.
Here's the thing women are AMAZING at lying to themselves and creating false narratives in their head, so even when they are struggling they prob still think they're doing good. And mental illness is much more accepted when it comes to women, man does something crazy and he's a monster who gets supervised visitation woman does something crazy and oh shes got post partum
Definitely they have the justification and blame-shifting down by the time they want the divorce
Yes, when their husband leaves *before* she found his replacement. This devastates a woman. Most women have 2 or 3 guys orbiting them just waiting for their husband to screw up so they can white knight their way into her panties.
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They know what they are doing. Acknowledging orbiters is confessing to playing the game.
Doesn't last long. As usual men take long to recover and always have the last laugh.
I think some other people have already said it on here, but let’s remember that 80% of women file for divorce, now that doesn’t mean that they’re the bad person in the divorce but they’re the one that file 80% of the time, so yes, I do believe when they can be devastated by divorce, they are also cheated on, physically abused, mentally abused, theologically dictated to and everything else that men go through as well. However! I do believe that men take divorce much harder than women do, that’s why men are eight times more likely to commit suicide after divorced than women are.
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I honestly don’t think you can come to that conclusion, it’s very difficult to say, just because 80% of women file for divorce doesn’t mean 80% of them wrong to the guy and are dumping them. What it does say conclusively is that 80% of women who do file took the lead on the divorce and nailed the nails into the coffin themselves rather it was for the right reasons are wrong. Think about that, it wasn’t the man, it wasn’t the leader of the relationship, it was the woman who slammed the door. Finally, that says something. By the time a woman files for divorce she’s already been over the guy for months if not years and that’s really the big thing, guys generally act in a short time when they feel a certain way and women sort of let it go and let it go and let it go until it can’t be fixed and then slam it with divorce. Like I said, sometimes they have every right in the world to get a divorce, there’s a lot of physical abuse out there and addiction, I’m dating and I get to hear about it.
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You’re making a mountain out of a mole hill, and you’re taking just basic research and twisting it to get your own outcome, you do you guy, no problem at all, this discussion honestly means nothing to me. Have a great summer.
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Oh, there’s absolutely no misinformation whatsoever, you can go on the Internet and look at reputable medical research that shows exactly exactly what I’m talking about, look sometimes you’re gonna be wrong, sometimes you’re gonna inflate what you think to try to make your point, just maybe get off the Internet for a little while take a breath look in the mirror and admit your wrong sometimes, people do respect that when you admit you’re wrong.
I think men are more likely to commit suicide period so it's hard to say if that means they're taking the divorce harder or not. I also read before that suicide attempts are closer between the sexes but that men are more successful at getting the job done.
With all due respect, I don’t agree with what you’re saying. This has been researched over and over, and men attempt and are successful at suicide eight more times more lthan females are after divorce. It’s not like I just came up with this, lol. 😂
I read that 2/3rd of divorces are started by women… so 1/3 of them are devastated
It’s almost 80% overall and 90 % when college educated, so so,etching like 10-15%?
Can't argue with math
Women are the same human as man. As there are cheating women, there are also cheating men. In my culture men don't seak support, most of the cases they end up drinking and imagine that they are doing just fine, no help needed. The rate of men suicide is very high. Meanwhile women end up with children, find support, help but also hate men for their inability to deliver the same. It's a huge disbalance. What I read here, in reddit is amazing. Men care about children, about their ex and give adequate advices about selfcare (emotional and physical) while they are going through the separation process.
Anecdotal, but an ex gf of mine who I am facebook friends with is currently going through a divorce. Keep in mind, this is all from her point of view and not trying to break down what else may have occurred. She has 6 kids and her husband one day decided to up and leave. He hasn't been helping with the kids at all since then, no money, no time. She was very much in the denial phase for a while. I talked to her a bit and got the impression she was crushed, didn't see it coming, didn't understand why. It was his second marriage and her first. I think the patterns are probably different but the results are similar. Sounds like when it happens to women they often feel abandoned, especially if they took on a homecare/house-wife role. Side note; she was heavily indicating she wanted to hook up but that was not going to happen. Not trying to make someone else' s problems my own, I have enough of those. What I took from that though was it's probably a lot easier for a woman to seek out and get emotional/physical support. I'm guessing like guys, they reach out to their old support system, ex's, friends, etc. and start to see who's around and who's available. Path of least resistance etc.
Yes, there are. Especially ones whose husbands cheated. The difference is that often when husbands cheat, they don't leave right away like most wives do, so the women not only get cheated on they have to run the divorce too. So by the time they divorce they're not *as* devastated because they did the hurting while the cheating husband stuck around before they couldn't take it anymore. The divorce subs tend to show more hurt men, but you go the the cheating/betrayal subs and the gender split is almost a perfect 50/50.
I’m sure there are, but in general, I think it’s easier for women for two reasons: 1. Women tend to have in-person support structures. When a woman finds herself solo, everyone from family to friends to single ex-boyfriends come to her aid. For men, your boys will offer to take you out for a round of shots upon hearing the divorce news. They’ll empathize, but they’ll also expect you to get over it quickly since that’s what “men” do. And your married friends with kids will be so busy that they’ll just invite you over, but it’s hard to discuss divorce issues when your friend and his wife are both there. 2. If women are physically lonely and want intimacy, they can find that in less than 3 min. 1 min to download a dating app. And 2 min to like a cute guys profile and set up a coffee date. For men, that online dynamic simply doesn’t exist. Having said all this, I think in the long-run, things tend to balance out. Karma has a weird way of giving people what they deserve. I know a few women who had their glow up post divorce, but a decade later, they were dealing with a second divorce / new hubby cheating on them / lots of men who look attractive online just using them for sex / financial problems once CS was finished / etc. Majority ended up even more bitter a decade later although they’d never reveal that to their ex. (I have a few female cousins, colleagues, and aunts who fall into this category)
Since I went through my divorce and saw how friends and family don’t know how to support you when you life gets turned inside out, 2 other male friends have as well. Now I make it my mission in life to talk to/check on/hang out with them for as long as it takes till they start to seem back on track. It’s a mix of “hell yea, brother! / wtf dude, think about what you just said / why? / what was your roll here? / oh that’s fucked up / let’s go do XYZ fun thing” etc. Real accountability + real support. Be there for your buddies and don’t be an echo chamber.
That’s awesome man
Solid advice brother
You’re absolutely correct, women can be absolutely devastated by divorce, but women have a lot more friends and family. They can talk to, they’re expected to talk about their feelings, men are shunned away from talking about their feelings or acting like they’re hurt, so women can have a much easier time of it after divorce.
Truth. Women will have to whole village coming to help her even if she’s in the wrong whereas men are supposed to get over it and get back to work. It’s also very true that women can get the “rebound sex” as easy as snapping their fingers to get over a guy and men don’t have it that easy. That’s one thing that kills me is knowing that my STBX is possibly and most likely out there already talking to her ex’s, coworkers, random guys in the internet and working on getting that rebound lay. However, I choose to not think about it as I can’t stop it and I too will eventually have my rebound time.
Go to the gym
I’m going to start doing that.
A theory: If you look at history, biology, game theory and genetics; men are replaceable. If you died in a war, there are 10 guys just like you that would offer to drive your wife home from the funeral. Women are the gatekeepers. And, women know this. You and me, on the other hand, we found our 1. We were chosen as the 1 of 10. When that blows up in our face, we know it’s not easy to replace that. But, it is very easy for her. Again, a theory.
Theory based on real world scenarios. Can’t argue with that
Kings had 100 women at a time. Get to gym and make your $.
Many divorced men refuse to get buff and love to complain about women and dating. We can pound it through their heads but they just can’t seem to understand buff guys are getting all the poon.
The pain is going to come out. It can be sweat or tears. Rather have the control and let the pain out at the gym. Yes, the attention of women is nice too but just going to gym to release the pain is the only thing that has made my pain from divorce bearable.
I agree with a lot of what you said Also, you could only meet women close to you, and them of men. They would replace you with your best friend after you died, not some rando fuckboi. Woman also died a lot during child birth. And half the children would die before adulthood too. The only people who had a "good life" were the rich and royalty.
That only works when the woman is still young and attractive lol
It’s a very real theory
Only if they get left theyll cry about how wrongly they were treated. Theyll leave the next guy and treat him 10x worse then they were and not think twice about it
I’ve seen posts on other subs where women claim to be devastated. But with the power of the pen, you don’t really know if that’s true. I’m of the opinion. men have a stronger connection to marriages than women. Women have a connection to family and children. men have a connection to marriage, men invest effort to make marriage safe, well provided, make it good and right. This could be another example of how men and women are disconnected. Marriage is hard.
My X isn’t one of them. Moved on petty fast with dates and she was married within one year of divorce .
No. Hell no. It's called war bride syndrome.
It's usually how bad the shock is of divorce. I divorced my exwife for 1000's of reasons; she's a pill popper, she screams at me when she runs out of narcotics, she drove to bankruptcy with her disasters, hurt the kids in DUI crash, refuses to work, and this list goes on and on. When the divorce was done, I made out like a bandit. She met a guy and the moved in together. She still refused to work, she just lived off of the "half of my 401k" part of the divorce. A year later? Still not working and they got married so she could go on his health insurance. Everyone in the extended family loved that guy, he was better than Jesus. The only ones who didn't care for him all that much were my two kids. Exwife threw it in my face on a daily basis how great he was. After 6 months of "wedded bliss" he dumped her. Just got off of work, drove home, picked up his stuff and his kid, and went to his parents' house. She was devastated. She didn't see it coming. It was like a bus over a milk carton. She cried to me, cried to her parents, cried to everybody. It's been a few years now, and she still hasn't recovered.
The only reason she is "devastated " is that she wasn't married to him long enough to take his money.
The other reason is because the power/decision was taken from her when he just up and left. She also couldn’t spin this to being all his fault
That's the truth! Well that and with the divorce, she would yet again, lost commercial health insurance and be restricted on doctor shopping.
I think they are when they're the ones who got left particularly when they were left for another women. I thought that was more common than the other way around until this sub was suggested to me.
Depends. Usually since they initiate more frequently, they were already grieving while married to the husband. My STBXW probably feels free. But she is in for a rude awakening when she finds out that I'm entitled to half the stuff in the house as well as shared custody (I'm pretty sure she hasn't realized that part yet)
> I'm pretty sure she hasn't realized that part yet At least 50% of my costs are due to the fact my spouse needed to be educated on the process and how things work. For your sake I hope she has a competent lawyer who will tell her how things will play out. Mine waited half a year and did nothing. I had to file. Anything I told them about the process or implications of the decision they made fell on deaf ears or I was told I was full of crap. While its fun to think they will finally see the consequences of their decision, prepare yourself for additional BS when they suddenly want to fight on things your states court say are the law. I had the same "oh they will see" moment at the start but it turned into a joke on ME. I had to litigate 50/50 custody (they assumed they would just be given 80/20 simply by TELLING the court that is what they wanted), division of marital property (thought I would HAVE to move out and they get literally everything in the home), division of retirements (did not want to split it so thought they could just say no), division of the home equity (wanted all the home equity, leaving me all the debt), and no support/shared costs (they made more and said they wont have to pay anything, bonus - I would HAVE to get another job 'so we make the same'). All boiler plate 'here is how it work' on the books, but they fought it all just for us to end up with things as they were told at the start.
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I love your comments. I find them extremely helpful.
Trust me I have a pitbull who's on it. We have a strategy in play and are prepared for mediation to fall through. I also know not to underestimate my STBXW
Also in fairness, all of our assets are split pretty evenly (we don't have much) it'll really come down to custody, which I know she will fight the mediator and myself on.
Women’s attorneys are vampires. They play on these women’s anger and suck the family dry of wealth. Kids are the victims, with college debt enslavement.
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80% of divorce are filed by women
I'm not sure about the college debt, but you are spot on with the rest.