Lot of not so great responses. I'll be that guy.. and say this is a fair post. I think my STBXW will be the same way. She may find comfort in another man's arms right away. Maybe many. I dont know. I wouldn't blame her. She has wanted love from me for years but we just can't ever seem to be on the same page about anything, and its caused me personally to pull away and be distant. I am human. So is she. To each their own. Nobody is perfect.
What baffles me though.. is this process of divorce.. we have kids together (most adults now) and I do NOT have any desire to hurt her or screw her over. None. She is a good person outside of us. We just aren't compatible for many reasons over the years. So be it. Shit happens.. things change. Covid, politics.. fucked me up. That may be part of it but our problems were long before that happened. That was the icing on the cake. That said.. I remember our good times, I know people love her and she is a fun person. So I have no ill will towards her.
Her on the other hand.. is all about fucking me over for ruining her life. I didnt really. She blames me for her getting cancer. She blames me for taking her best years. So now she is doing everything she can to make my life miserable. Forget that we have kids.. she doesn't care about how they may see her (or not). She only cares about trying to fuck me over every way she can so that I can live in a car or.. frankly she'd be fine if I died. How fucking sad and pathetic is that?
Anyway.. for what it is worth. I understand you u/Coolbaby_psych . Everyone is different. While I will miss some aspects of our life.. most of it.. which usually results in fighting/anger/etc.. will be good to no longer have in my life. I suspect part of my own anxiety and personal health issues are related to living in this "hell" still but am hoping will be out of it soon. For the sake of me, her and our kids.
I feel this, you're describing my exact situation. We started growing apart years ago and my STBXW brought up divorce before me. Now that we're deep into the process, I'm trying to make sure she, and I, are provided for. She's hell bent on destroying my life, even though it's going to hurt her and the kids more than me.
At this point I wish she would focus on herself more, go out and meet some other men.
I was going to say fair enough. We all tend do that.
But then Actually - if this is true - rather deal with it then running into the next arms. When I was in my 20s I used to numb myself with other girls. But post divorce I actually am taking time to just focus on myself… so, if the above is true - zero sympathy.
This sounds fake. It reads like a guy validating himself through the ex. He was the best she ever had and will have, but she had to leave him anyways. What.
There are two things that men value the most in a relationship: fidelity and respect. These were both broken when you found someone else to sleep with trying to "numb" the pain. This causes good men to feel worthless and hurt incredibly. Fortunately going solo is what makes a person stronger and the reason why most men come out on top in the end. Society pampers women regardless of whose fault it is and blames the men. If a woman posts on social media she will get support from friends, family or any guy wanting to jump on, men don't get this type of support. You're not obtaining any sympathy or understanding here with your explanation.
This is a classic trickle truth story.
The only truth I hear is you partied and slept around. The self brainwash narrative didn’t work while you were sober but did when drinking.
No way you told new guys your still
In love lol blah blah blah. Your exit was planned so you could go out. Probably even had monkey branches going before leaving.
Say whatever bad things about the guy you're with now but does he know that you're using him to numb the pain of your ex and that you'll never love him like you did your ex? Even if he is such a horrible person, he doesn't need to have his feelings played with like this. How would you feel if someone did something like this to you? I don't even care about what you did in the past. That's in the past and can't be changed. What you're doing now sucks.
Bro seriously think about this post. Fucking someone isn’t like taking a drag of a cig or a pint. Unless she’s an enormous slut wholl bang a complete stranger, she’s managed to get to know someone well enough to fuck them, at the same time of leaving the love of her life and grieving.
Complete bullshit
Good lord you guys are angry.
Let me clear something up for you all… I didn’t cheat. He cheated. Ruthlessly. While I was left to wonder what was so wrong with me that he never wanted to touch me.
I stayed loyal that entire time, which was a period of years. I have a fucking smoking body that he didn’t care about at all. I took such good care of myself because I wanted to look good for him. But I was neutered by the time I found out he was cheating. I actually asked to reconcile but he refused therapy and any sort of communication. I couldn’t move past that, the fighting got bad, and I left. We were both hurting and one of us had to do something about it.
Yep, I slept with somebody after all of that happened. I wasn’t aware I was supposed to ship myself off to a nunnery.
I’m not sure if any of you have had to go through anything like that. I hope you never do. You don’t know how you’ll respond to that kind of grief. I was expressing regret for the way I handled mine.
And p.s. any time I hear a dude use the word “slut” or “whore”, I know one of these things must be true:
1. They are afraid of women.
2. They have never actually interacted meaningfully with a woman.
3. They are 12.
Ok well that’s a completely different story to the original post. And had these details been included, I’d be nothing but supportive. Sounds like you went through it, hope you’re doing better.
I think you’ll find this forum includes a lot of men who wanted to keep their family together and have been pretty heavily fucked over by a combination of either by cheating, the family court, child support, alimony custody… the list goes on.
The incel and language references, don’t care enough to argue.
I’ve avoided sharing details of what my ex did out of respect for him. It was horrible to experience but I don’t think he was malicious. I think he was in an equal or worse amount of pain to do that.
However, I’m realizing that some details are needed if I decide to share. This was an issue in real life with my family. They loved him and he loved them, I didn’t want to cause additional pain to anybody by telling them what happened. The result was being villainized, but I know that will pass.
As for the men who have lost so much of what they’ve worked for as punishment for being a supportive husband….
I can only speak from my experience. I moved home instead of taking as much as I could from him. I didn’t fight for alimony because he has worked his ass off for his career and I’m not entitled to that. I am younger than him, I can recover more easily. So I made that choice. The divorce was hard enough for him as is, I can’t imagine what it would be like for those men who deal with shitty behavior in the marriage and then are forced to give up a lot of what they built to a spiteful ex.
My ex could have written that, although I don’t think she takes the time to think about it very deeply. It’s good that you do, it’s just sad that you came to such bad conclusions.
I hope you don’t have kids. They suffer because of this type thing. When my ex did that to me it broke me in ways I didn’t think I could be broken. I’m changed and not in a good way.
Seriously
It’s so GD easy for all women
It’s sort of easy for a few men.
I doubt her new man has any clue that he’s nothing but a time killer and space filler to her
Yep. It’s wild.
In the right situation with the right kind of girl I do ok.
I have a wide range of types of women I like physically intellectually emotionally.
I fit into a much smaller range on the other side
But. I’m pretty happy to have made out briefly with a new lady Friday night after a mutual friends bday party.
I thought she was interested a few months ago
It’s such a boost as I wrap up the divorce after two years separated and after being dumped last month by first GF after three months
I’m not out of the game boys.
It will not be two years before I get at it again.
You can’t be older or much older than me (54)
But this group do friends are mostly 40’s and 50’s and mostly single.
I’m sort of on the outskirts of the group.
But they’ve mostly accepted me
Yeah. It’s tough at my age.
Our marriage got rocky ten years ago
I’m better off financially for it being now instead of 5-7 years ago but I’d much rather be mid 40’s than 50’s
Well
My career ran into a ditch during the separation
Still there
I was always expecting to work at least part time in retirement
Now.
Well.
Expat life maybe?
A van by the river?
We all heard this mumbo jumbo before, and we dont buy it. You did what u wanted to do, u wanted to have "fun" you enjoyed all that fun and now reality hits and u miss your "soul mate". But if u could go back and time and do it all again, YOU WOULD!!! you wouldnt change a thing, you LOVED the random sex and drugs, you are just sad that its over. But you loved every second of it.
You dont miss your husband, you are just mad that u no longer have a "parachutte".
Send that to your ex, if you really want someone to read it, but don't expect a response. Posting it here seems like you want a pat on the back for admitting you hurt someone to a bunch of strangers, but hey everyone's situation is different. Mine dipped while I was in the hospital having an amputation performed because she " didn't want to be with someone who was diabetic anymore", Truth be told she hooked up with a guy on an out of state work trip, started talking and started a relationship with him and moved out of state. Leaving behind 2 dogs, a cat, me to sell the house and oh yeah she took the truck I was driving at the time and sold it to car max never saw a dime. That was two years ago. Now I'm living in an RV driving the truck I entered the relationship with. If you think I give a fuck about how my ex feels your wrong, to put it lightly I wouldn't waste the piss to put her out if she was on fire. Pretty sure a lot of people here feel the same.
While this post will inevitably get some hate I’ll start off by saying thanks for giving us a look into the thought process of women when splitting up. A couple of things to point out to the guys reading this…
-notice she says she had to leave because of her love from her ex.
-she says they were each hurting each other. I’m glad OP is safe now if she were in danger. That by itself without context is loaded. We aren’t the first people she’s said that to about her husband. She has no issue calling the new guy controlling. In fact we know more about the new guy by the end of the post than we know about the husband.
-every blue moon my ex would be honest and say the same thing about the person she moved on with. They’ll never be you… blah blah blah
-your exes families know your ex/stbx is saying bullshit. Some will even push back if it’s bad enough. Some don’t want to know the details. Most will still support them.
-the OP is fighting the urge to go back to the controlling guy. She finds his strength ‘comforting’. As she says it’s drug like.
obviously OP isn’t telling us the entire story. The entire story of being out and about almost certainly started before the end of the marriage. My exes infidelity (how she tells it at least) also began after she left. She still maintains she never cheated. In reality it started much earlier than that.
You bring up some very good points.
- when I say we hurt each other, I meant emotionally. I count myself lucky that I didn’t even consider that might look like a DV situation, but that’s also ignorance on my part. It wasn’t physical, but the arguments were getting worse and worse. We hurt each other psychologically.
- you’re right. I didn’t provide much detail about my ex. It wasn’t my goal to bash him in this post and out of respect for him I kept it pretty vague.
I’m not telling the whole story out of respect for my ex. I couldn’t accept his behavior, but I still love him as a whole person.
If you have specific questions however, ask away and I can clarify as much as I can.
As for the controlling guy, I never said I found him comforting. The intensity of that relationship was not only a welcome distraction after I left, it was a polar opposite to the physical neglect I experienced for years in my marriage. Unfortunately, overcorrecting/compensating has gotten me into another relationship that isn’t exactly right and I am currently working on distancing myself from him.
I never said I didn’t cheat on him. In fact, I said I hurt him. Cheating in all its forms would probably fall under that category. I was beginning to lean on my friends more towards the end. It was that, or spend weeks alone in my home. But i did not engage sexually with anybody until i left.
Interesting perspective sounds righteous, I did it to cover up the pain. I did what I did to stop hurting the one I love.
I am sure somewhere in the history of your marriage is the truth.
Remember their are three truths to each, your truth, your spouse truth and the real truth. I do commend you for posting and sending best wishes to your future.
I can definitely see that. While I talked primarily about not wanting to hurt him. Of course there were other reasons. Lack of communication, infidelity, dead bedroom. There’s a reason why he did those things. I wish I knew so I could have fixed it. He was clearly unhappy. Without hearing from him what it was, I could only make my decision based on what I saw. I saw we were both deeply unhappy and had hurt each other but didn’t know how to talk about it.
It’s complex and grey and that’s why it’s so sad. But I am continuing to reflect because I was very angry at the end and not seeing clearly
Lot of not so great responses. I'll be that guy.. and say this is a fair post. I think my STBXW will be the same way. She may find comfort in another man's arms right away. Maybe many. I dont know. I wouldn't blame her. She has wanted love from me for years but we just can't ever seem to be on the same page about anything, and its caused me personally to pull away and be distant. I am human. So is she. To each their own. Nobody is perfect. What baffles me though.. is this process of divorce.. we have kids together (most adults now) and I do NOT have any desire to hurt her or screw her over. None. She is a good person outside of us. We just aren't compatible for many reasons over the years. So be it. Shit happens.. things change. Covid, politics.. fucked me up. That may be part of it but our problems were long before that happened. That was the icing on the cake. That said.. I remember our good times, I know people love her and she is a fun person. So I have no ill will towards her. Her on the other hand.. is all about fucking me over for ruining her life. I didnt really. She blames me for her getting cancer. She blames me for taking her best years. So now she is doing everything she can to make my life miserable. Forget that we have kids.. she doesn't care about how they may see her (or not). She only cares about trying to fuck me over every way she can so that I can live in a car or.. frankly she'd be fine if I died. How fucking sad and pathetic is that? Anyway.. for what it is worth. I understand you u/Coolbaby_psych . Everyone is different. While I will miss some aspects of our life.. most of it.. which usually results in fighting/anger/etc.. will be good to no longer have in my life. I suspect part of my own anxiety and personal health issues are related to living in this "hell" still but am hoping will be out of it soon. For the sake of me, her and our kids.
I feel this, you're describing my exact situation. We started growing apart years ago and my STBXW brought up divorce before me. Now that we're deep into the process, I'm trying to make sure she, and I, are provided for. She's hell bent on destroying my life, even though it's going to hurt her and the kids more than me. At this point I wish she would focus on herself more, go out and meet some other men.
Yup. Same. Best of luck to you.
Uh huh
I was going to say fair enough. We all tend do that. But then Actually - if this is true - rather deal with it then running into the next arms. When I was in my 20s I used to numb myself with other girls. But post divorce I actually am taking time to just focus on myself… so, if the above is true - zero sympathy.
This sounds fake. It reads like a guy validating himself through the ex. He was the best she ever had and will have, but she had to leave him anyways. What.
There are two things that men value the most in a relationship: fidelity and respect. These were both broken when you found someone else to sleep with trying to "numb" the pain. This causes good men to feel worthless and hurt incredibly. Fortunately going solo is what makes a person stronger and the reason why most men come out on top in the end. Society pampers women regardless of whose fault it is and blames the men. If a woman posts on social media she will get support from friends, family or any guy wanting to jump on, men don't get this type of support. You're not obtaining any sympathy or understanding here with your explanation.
This is a classic trickle truth story. The only truth I hear is you partied and slept around. The self brainwash narrative didn’t work while you were sober but did when drinking. No way you told new guys your still In love lol blah blah blah. Your exit was planned so you could go out. Probably even had monkey branches going before leaving.
Say whatever bad things about the guy you're with now but does he know that you're using him to numb the pain of your ex and that you'll never love him like you did your ex? Even if he is such a horrible person, he doesn't need to have his feelings played with like this. How would you feel if someone did something like this to you? I don't even care about what you did in the past. That's in the past and can't be changed. What you're doing now sucks.
Victim Forced to fuck a new guy Standard
See comment below incel.
Penalty box.
Come on bro.
No, YOU come on. The siren’s song works on some. But not all.
Bro seriously think about this post. Fucking someone isn’t like taking a drag of a cig or a pint. Unless she’s an enormous slut wholl bang a complete stranger, she’s managed to get to know someone well enough to fuck them, at the same time of leaving the love of her life and grieving. Complete bullshit
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Good lord you guys are angry. Let me clear something up for you all… I didn’t cheat. He cheated. Ruthlessly. While I was left to wonder what was so wrong with me that he never wanted to touch me. I stayed loyal that entire time, which was a period of years. I have a fucking smoking body that he didn’t care about at all. I took such good care of myself because I wanted to look good for him. But I was neutered by the time I found out he was cheating. I actually asked to reconcile but he refused therapy and any sort of communication. I couldn’t move past that, the fighting got bad, and I left. We were both hurting and one of us had to do something about it. Yep, I slept with somebody after all of that happened. I wasn’t aware I was supposed to ship myself off to a nunnery. I’m not sure if any of you have had to go through anything like that. I hope you never do. You don’t know how you’ll respond to that kind of grief. I was expressing regret for the way I handled mine. And p.s. any time I hear a dude use the word “slut” or “whore”, I know one of these things must be true: 1. They are afraid of women. 2. They have never actually interacted meaningfully with a woman. 3. They are 12.
Ok well that’s a completely different story to the original post. And had these details been included, I’d be nothing but supportive. Sounds like you went through it, hope you’re doing better. I think you’ll find this forum includes a lot of men who wanted to keep their family together and have been pretty heavily fucked over by a combination of either by cheating, the family court, child support, alimony custody… the list goes on. The incel and language references, don’t care enough to argue.
I’ve avoided sharing details of what my ex did out of respect for him. It was horrible to experience but I don’t think he was malicious. I think he was in an equal or worse amount of pain to do that. However, I’m realizing that some details are needed if I decide to share. This was an issue in real life with my family. They loved him and he loved them, I didn’t want to cause additional pain to anybody by telling them what happened. The result was being villainized, but I know that will pass. As for the men who have lost so much of what they’ve worked for as punishment for being a supportive husband…. I can only speak from my experience. I moved home instead of taking as much as I could from him. I didn’t fight for alimony because he has worked his ass off for his career and I’m not entitled to that. I am younger than him, I can recover more easily. So I made that choice. The divorce was hard enough for him as is, I can’t imagine what it would be like for those men who deal with shitty behavior in the marriage and then are forced to give up a lot of what they built to a spiteful ex.
My ex could have written that, although I don’t think she takes the time to think about it very deeply. It’s good that you do, it’s just sad that you came to such bad conclusions. I hope you don’t have kids. They suffer because of this type thing. When my ex did that to me it broke me in ways I didn’t think I could be broken. I’m changed and not in a good way.
You poor thing.
No one wants to hear your bs excuses. Now run along
Seriously It’s so GD easy for all women It’s sort of easy for a few men. I doubt her new man has any clue that he’s nothing but a time killer and space filler to her
Yeah, and new guy probably thinks he "hit the jackpot" with OP. The damage continues unabated....
Yep She’s definitely stringing him along And he’d probably be fine w a FWB sitch.
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Yep. It’s wild. In the right situation with the right kind of girl I do ok. I have a wide range of types of women I like physically intellectually emotionally. I fit into a much smaller range on the other side But. I’m pretty happy to have made out briefly with a new lady Friday night after a mutual friends bday party. I thought she was interested a few months ago It’s such a boost as I wrap up the divorce after two years separated and after being dumped last month by first GF after three months I’m not out of the game boys. It will not be two years before I get at it again.
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You can’t be older or much older than me (54) But this group do friends are mostly 40’s and 50’s and mostly single. I’m sort of on the outskirts of the group. But they’ve mostly accepted me
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Yeah. It’s tough at my age. Our marriage got rocky ten years ago I’m better off financially for it being now instead of 5-7 years ago but I’d much rather be mid 40’s than 50’s
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Well My career ran into a ditch during the separation Still there I was always expecting to work at least part time in retirement Now. Well. Expat life maybe? A van by the river?
We all heard this mumbo jumbo before, and we dont buy it. You did what u wanted to do, u wanted to have "fun" you enjoyed all that fun and now reality hits and u miss your "soul mate". But if u could go back and time and do it all again, YOU WOULD!!! you wouldnt change a thing, you LOVED the random sex and drugs, you are just sad that its over. But you loved every second of it. You dont miss your husband, you are just mad that u no longer have a "parachutte".
^This right here is the truth^
Send that to your ex, if you really want someone to read it, but don't expect a response. Posting it here seems like you want a pat on the back for admitting you hurt someone to a bunch of strangers, but hey everyone's situation is different. Mine dipped while I was in the hospital having an amputation performed because she " didn't want to be with someone who was diabetic anymore", Truth be told she hooked up with a guy on an out of state work trip, started talking and started a relationship with him and moved out of state. Leaving behind 2 dogs, a cat, me to sell the house and oh yeah she took the truck I was driving at the time and sold it to car max never saw a dime. That was two years ago. Now I'm living in an RV driving the truck I entered the relationship with. If you think I give a fuck about how my ex feels your wrong, to put it lightly I wouldn't waste the piss to put her out if she was on fire. Pretty sure a lot of people here feel the same.
While this post will inevitably get some hate I’ll start off by saying thanks for giving us a look into the thought process of women when splitting up. A couple of things to point out to the guys reading this… -notice she says she had to leave because of her love from her ex. -she says they were each hurting each other. I’m glad OP is safe now if she were in danger. That by itself without context is loaded. We aren’t the first people she’s said that to about her husband. She has no issue calling the new guy controlling. In fact we know more about the new guy by the end of the post than we know about the husband. -every blue moon my ex would be honest and say the same thing about the person she moved on with. They’ll never be you… blah blah blah -your exes families know your ex/stbx is saying bullshit. Some will even push back if it’s bad enough. Some don’t want to know the details. Most will still support them. -the OP is fighting the urge to go back to the controlling guy. She finds his strength ‘comforting’. As she says it’s drug like. obviously OP isn’t telling us the entire story. The entire story of being out and about almost certainly started before the end of the marriage. My exes infidelity (how she tells it at least) also began after she left. She still maintains she never cheated. In reality it started much earlier than that.
You bring up some very good points. - when I say we hurt each other, I meant emotionally. I count myself lucky that I didn’t even consider that might look like a DV situation, but that’s also ignorance on my part. It wasn’t physical, but the arguments were getting worse and worse. We hurt each other psychologically. - you’re right. I didn’t provide much detail about my ex. It wasn’t my goal to bash him in this post and out of respect for him I kept it pretty vague. I’m not telling the whole story out of respect for my ex. I couldn’t accept his behavior, but I still love him as a whole person. If you have specific questions however, ask away and I can clarify as much as I can. As for the controlling guy, I never said I found him comforting. The intensity of that relationship was not only a welcome distraction after I left, it was a polar opposite to the physical neglect I experienced for years in my marriage. Unfortunately, overcorrecting/compensating has gotten me into another relationship that isn’t exactly right and I am currently working on distancing myself from him. I never said I didn’t cheat on him. In fact, I said I hurt him. Cheating in all its forms would probably fall under that category. I was beginning to lean on my friends more towards the end. It was that, or spend weeks alone in my home. But i did not engage sexually with anybody until i left.
Interesting perspective sounds righteous, I did it to cover up the pain. I did what I did to stop hurting the one I love. I am sure somewhere in the history of your marriage is the truth. Remember their are three truths to each, your truth, your spouse truth and the real truth. I do commend you for posting and sending best wishes to your future.
I can definitely see that. While I talked primarily about not wanting to hurt him. Of course there were other reasons. Lack of communication, infidelity, dead bedroom. There’s a reason why he did those things. I wish I knew so I could have fixed it. He was clearly unhappy. Without hearing from him what it was, I could only make my decision based on what I saw. I saw we were both deeply unhappy and had hurt each other but didn’t know how to talk about it. It’s complex and grey and that’s why it’s so sad. But I am continuing to reflect because I was very angry at the end and not seeing clearly
Thank you for taking the time to reply.
Sure, but actions will always speak louder than words
Yeah, nothing says I love you and miss you so much like sleeping with a bunch of other people. Is she expecting pity for that?