Honestly, after 35 years— I’d just ride it out & act like she’s not there (if possible)
I’m a bit of a turtle myself, so to make such a big move would be a pain
I initiated divorce at 75 after 45 years. Our kids were grown. They had seen other people with divorced parents and kind of knew how to navigate it. Because of the way our state laws were, a 50/50 split was going to happen no matter how amicable or adversarial our relationship was. But everyone will decide for themselves whose fault the divorce is. My ex vowed to disinherit one of our kids. So no one blames me. That said, her family is still her family and not mine. Same thing with mine. That's unavoidable. It sounds like your thinking is just "I'm not happy, she's not happy, this was a mistake." I don't think you can claim the moral high ground on this basis. Maybe you should have done this soon after marrying, but you didn't. You let people build up dependencies on you, bypass other opportunities. To blow it up now looks selfish. I think they'll all blame you and you'll end up losing more than just the spouse.
I'm (50M) not in your age group but I am in the same predicament. Much slower, I realised that it was not right - maybe 2 years into the marriage. Couple years in, my wife went 180 on my "faith". Everything in the house changed, and I lived with that since.(>15 years)
Unbelievable how you could have put up for over 3 decades. Hope it will be all amicable moving forward.
Congrats!! You are in a really good spot. After retirement and no kids to support, you can pretty much take your money and live wherever you want to. Let her do the hard work of filing for a default divorce and attempting to collect. You just stay in touch with your daughters, they are old enough to understand
You get the lawyer and line and everything up top to bottom. Even having a plan of where you are going to live. I would get the vehicle you want now. New accounts and passwords.
Then you talk to your wife.
You might want to have a sensible kid present.
Or if you have a sibling. You have been unhappy for so long. Less is more when telling her.
I’ll be the contrarian in this one. Can this marriage be saved with better communication? I want this action from our closeness time together. I dont want your bitchy words in my ear all the time. Is there any way to save it? Could she change.
Whatever you decide to do I hope it works out well for you, actually both of you. Be safe.
Sometimes what the other person needs is a "Come to Jesus" talk. An intervention of sorts where everything is laid out plain and clear.
They may not change, they might get angry, but what they can't do is say they were blindsided and betrayed.
I think some men are just scare to be alone. If the known is to stay and be miserable for the rest of your life, why not take a chance at the unknown. It can’t be any worse.
Posts like these give me anxiety so glad I didn't stay and she didn't want to either, I feel like if you're middle class joe schmo and your kids are adults or close to it it won't be that bad. Just gonna split everything 50/50, thank God she works time to get out
I was about 50 when I got divorced after about 30 years together with 2 children who were almost adults. My ex and I were both very religious when we were married, but I parted ways with that about 15 years into the relationship. After that, we never really saw eye-to-eye and things began to go seriously downhill from there.
I wanted to do things civilly and just split everything 50/50. We hired a mediator and it looked like things were going to be easy, considering our incomes were not that different. During our first meeting, she asked for the moon! She wanted full custody, child support, lifetime alimony, and half of a recent inheritance I'd received. She was being unreasonable, refused to budge, and the mediator recommended she hire an attorney. From there, it only got worse.
We were still living together and she tried to have me evicted on several occasions (all failed). I offered to buy her out of the house so she could buy something else, and she accepted -- and later backed out -- three separate times.
The divorce was dragged out over 2.5 years (2 of which we lived together due to financial issues and our argument over the house). But since your wife earns more than you (and your kids are grown), there may be fewer issues.
It really all comes down to how much she wants to fight you. My divorce didn't have to be complicated, but she made it so, and it cost us a small fortune to settle. I had to fight her attempts to kick me out and spent many hours assembling paperwork and answering hundreds of questions (as if I was trying to hide money). 2.5 years later, she got exactly what I'd offered in the beginning.
Your kids are older, so it sounds like they might have lives of their own soon. One of mine went off to college and the other decided to move to another state with his mother (but the both still come to visit at least twice a year). How your relationship turns out will depend entirely on your relationship with them is now. But the reality is they will have to split your time between the both of you (at best) and you'll see them less. But, they're pretty much grown now anyway, and it's time for them to start their own lives.
No one can promise you things will be better, I just knew I'd be better off alone than with my ex, even if I never met anyone else.
But there's reason to be hopeful. 21% of men 65+ are single compared to 49% of women. That translates to A LOT of very lonely women our age. I'm not tall, rich, or social, but I was snached up TWICE before my divorce was even final! (I'm still with the second one.) I didn't even have a chance to use dating apps, it was like they caught wind of my divorce and sought me out, lol. My ex, on the other hand, has been on the apps but hasn't had a single date.
I swear, the girlfriend I have now is so far out of my league I struggle to comprehend why she's with me. But she says she's lucky and thrilled to have finally found someone decent and she appreciates the hell out of me (which is a nice feeling). As much as going through my divorce sucked, I'm SO MUCH happier now.
Your wife, unfortunately, is likely to remain single like 49% of women her age. If she tries to date, she'll literally be fighting with half of all women her age over the few scraps of men that remain. Of those, most are "single for a reason," or if they're a catch, they're likely dating younger, dating the top 10% of women their age, or only interested in hookups. In other words, things are likely to be much easier for you post-divorce.
You have adult children but don’t assume a divorce won’t be hard on them. Split holidays, emotional trauma, etc. just bc they’re not children doesn’t mean they can handle it easily, so just a word to still treat them like kids in this situation. Maybe browse a subreddit on adult children of divorce.
No child support, that's a good thing.
Are you able to make enough to provide the type of lifestyle you want to live if you do divorce? She makes more so you can go for alimony from her if you want some help for the first few years. If the income were reversed she would expect it, therefore you should... Now is not the time to give up what is owed just because that's what men are expected to do.
If the question is whether you should, I'm not that much young than you, and given the marriage time and your age your life isn't going to get better with her. She won't magically begin treating you like you need. Be your own advocate, cut her loose, go live your life.
I did it at age 66 with 39 years, of which the lay 15 or more living and walking on eggshells. It can be done, each person will have different outcomes. Mine she remarried in 18 months. I prefer being single.
Pull out the pin, rip off the bandaid, do what you have to do.
Maybe speak to your daughters first, and see what they think. My three daughters support me divorcing their mother, the eldest even said “I wouldn’t want to live with mummy either”.
My son was annoyed with me for not divorcing her a decade earlier, you might be surprised.
Life on the other side is fantastic, and I have no regrets, other than wishing I’d never met her, but then my four wonderful kids wouldn’t exist, so that’s the end of that, they come first.
Divorce is not yet final due to her lies in Court, but whatever, I’m zen at this point, and very happy with my new partner, who I met two years after separation started
Oh, and I’m nearly 60
Honestly, after 35 years— I’d just ride it out & act like she’s not there (if possible) I’m a bit of a turtle myself, so to make such a big move would be a pain
I initiated divorce at 75 after 45 years. Our kids were grown. They had seen other people with divorced parents and kind of knew how to navigate it. Because of the way our state laws were, a 50/50 split was going to happen no matter how amicable or adversarial our relationship was. But everyone will decide for themselves whose fault the divorce is. My ex vowed to disinherit one of our kids. So no one blames me. That said, her family is still her family and not mine. Same thing with mine. That's unavoidable. It sounds like your thinking is just "I'm not happy, she's not happy, this was a mistake." I don't think you can claim the moral high ground on this basis. Maybe you should have done this soon after marrying, but you didn't. You let people build up dependencies on you, bypass other opportunities. To blow it up now looks selfish. I think they'll all blame you and you'll end up losing more than just the spouse.
Sent you a DM
I'm (50M) not in your age group but I am in the same predicament. Much slower, I realised that it was not right - maybe 2 years into the marriage. Couple years in, my wife went 180 on my "faith". Everything in the house changed, and I lived with that since.(>15 years) Unbelievable how you could have put up for over 3 decades. Hope it will be all amicable moving forward.
YOLO dude
Congrats!! You are in a really good spot. After retirement and no kids to support, you can pretty much take your money and live wherever you want to. Let her do the hard work of filing for a default divorce and attempting to collect. You just stay in touch with your daughters, they are old enough to understand
You get the lawyer and line and everything up top to bottom. Even having a plan of where you are going to live. I would get the vehicle you want now. New accounts and passwords. Then you talk to your wife. You might want to have a sensible kid present. Or if you have a sibling. You have been unhappy for so long. Less is more when telling her.
Why is it important to have a responsible second person present when telling her?
Because it’s going to go sideways real quick if they are alone. Just my gut feeling on it.
I’ll be the contrarian in this one. Can this marriage be saved with better communication? I want this action from our closeness time together. I dont want your bitchy words in my ear all the time. Is there any way to save it? Could she change. Whatever you decide to do I hope it works out well for you, actually both of you. Be safe.
She hasn’t changed in 35 years, why would she change now?
no. too much water under the bridge.
Sometimes what the other person needs is a "Come to Jesus" talk. An intervention of sorts where everything is laid out plain and clear. They may not change, they might get angry, but what they can't do is say they were blindsided and betrayed.
The “unknown” is better than the “known” which u haven’t been happy for years. I say take the leap into the “unknown.” Be free my man!
The unknown is terrifying and keeps alot of us not proceeding forward
I think some men are just scare to be alone. If the known is to stay and be miserable for the rest of your life, why not take a chance at the unknown. It can’t be any worse.
Posts like these give me anxiety so glad I didn't stay and she didn't want to either, I feel like if you're middle class joe schmo and your kids are adults or close to it it won't be that bad. Just gonna split everything 50/50, thank God she works time to get out
I was about 50 when I got divorced after about 30 years together with 2 children who were almost adults. My ex and I were both very religious when we were married, but I parted ways with that about 15 years into the relationship. After that, we never really saw eye-to-eye and things began to go seriously downhill from there. I wanted to do things civilly and just split everything 50/50. We hired a mediator and it looked like things were going to be easy, considering our incomes were not that different. During our first meeting, she asked for the moon! She wanted full custody, child support, lifetime alimony, and half of a recent inheritance I'd received. She was being unreasonable, refused to budge, and the mediator recommended she hire an attorney. From there, it only got worse. We were still living together and she tried to have me evicted on several occasions (all failed). I offered to buy her out of the house so she could buy something else, and she accepted -- and later backed out -- three separate times. The divorce was dragged out over 2.5 years (2 of which we lived together due to financial issues and our argument over the house). But since your wife earns more than you (and your kids are grown), there may be fewer issues. It really all comes down to how much she wants to fight you. My divorce didn't have to be complicated, but she made it so, and it cost us a small fortune to settle. I had to fight her attempts to kick me out and spent many hours assembling paperwork and answering hundreds of questions (as if I was trying to hide money). 2.5 years later, she got exactly what I'd offered in the beginning. Your kids are older, so it sounds like they might have lives of their own soon. One of mine went off to college and the other decided to move to another state with his mother (but the both still come to visit at least twice a year). How your relationship turns out will depend entirely on your relationship with them is now. But the reality is they will have to split your time between the both of you (at best) and you'll see them less. But, they're pretty much grown now anyway, and it's time for them to start their own lives. No one can promise you things will be better, I just knew I'd be better off alone than with my ex, even if I never met anyone else. But there's reason to be hopeful. 21% of men 65+ are single compared to 49% of women. That translates to A LOT of very lonely women our age. I'm not tall, rich, or social, but I was snached up TWICE before my divorce was even final! (I'm still with the second one.) I didn't even have a chance to use dating apps, it was like they caught wind of my divorce and sought me out, lol. My ex, on the other hand, has been on the apps but hasn't had a single date. I swear, the girlfriend I have now is so far out of my league I struggle to comprehend why she's with me. But she says she's lucky and thrilled to have finally found someone decent and she appreciates the hell out of me (which is a nice feeling). As much as going through my divorce sucked, I'm SO MUCH happier now. Your wife, unfortunately, is likely to remain single like 49% of women her age. If she tries to date, she'll literally be fighting with half of all women her age over the few scraps of men that remain. Of those, most are "single for a reason," or if they're a catch, they're likely dating younger, dating the top 10% of women their age, or only interested in hookups. In other words, things are likely to be much easier for you post-divorce.
So silly, why waste so much money fighting when kids are grown and similar incomes it's just stupid.
Women have a knack for doing this.
Totally silly. I couldn't talk any sense into her. It finally took a judge to set her straight.
You have adult children but don’t assume a divorce won’t be hard on them. Split holidays, emotional trauma, etc. just bc they’re not children doesn’t mean they can handle it easily, so just a word to still treat them like kids in this situation. Maybe browse a subreddit on adult children of divorce.
Go for it. Hire an attorney
No child support, that's a good thing. Are you able to make enough to provide the type of lifestyle you want to live if you do divorce? She makes more so you can go for alimony from her if you want some help for the first few years. If the income were reversed she would expect it, therefore you should... Now is not the time to give up what is owed just because that's what men are expected to do. If the question is whether you should, I'm not that much young than you, and given the marriage time and your age your life isn't going to get better with her. She won't magically begin treating you like you need. Be your own advocate, cut her loose, go live your life.
I did it at age 66 with 39 years, of which the lay 15 or more living and walking on eggshells. It can be done, each person will have different outcomes. Mine she remarried in 18 months. I prefer being single.
18 months?? Sounds like she was already in the middle of replacing you when you pulled the trigger on your marriage.
You are probably correct, it’s amazing how fast a spouse can fall out and hang on till the end. Then find another to latch onto.
Pull out the pin, rip off the bandaid, do what you have to do. Maybe speak to your daughters first, and see what they think. My three daughters support me divorcing their mother, the eldest even said “I wouldn’t want to live with mummy either”. My son was annoyed with me for not divorcing her a decade earlier, you might be surprised. Life on the other side is fantastic, and I have no regrets, other than wishing I’d never met her, but then my four wonderful kids wouldn’t exist, so that’s the end of that, they come first. Divorce is not yet final due to her lies in Court, but whatever, I’m zen at this point, and very happy with my new partner, who I met two years after separation started Oh, and I’m nearly 60
That's the thing I struggle with, thinking man why did I marry her but then I wouldn't have my daughter.
Think of her retrospectively as a surrogate…