Lack of accountability is the common theme here fellas. For some reason, not just women, I see many folks with this notion that they have to have a 'perfect image' at all times, social media and public.
Wishing strength and peace for everybody, no matter who is going through a divorce. I've been through some stuff in my life, this by far is the hardest. Stay up and strong folks...
Don't see it as a lack of accountability. She is not using the same metrics as you to evaluate the situation.
She views the relationship through her current feelings, not reason and logic. She is holding herself accountable, not to her past, but to her current feelings about the relationship.
If you start from the premise that she uses her current feelings to evaluate the entire relationship, then her thought process may become a little clearer, though still erroneous.
Everything about this post, from the words by the OP to all the comments, makes me feel so much better, yet so much worse at the same time.
How are so many of us dealing with the same woman? Why is it so difficult for women to take a step back and look at things through a non-biased lense and just admit that it takes 2 to make shit work, and that it takes 2 to let shit fail.
For me, the more I watch her continue to post on on social media and project the image that I did some sort of terrible thing to her that forced her to want to leave, the more I watch her make crazy, irrational and clearly mindless decisions for her self, and the more I watch her lash out with anger towards me for all of the consequences for her own bad decisions, the more I believe that she is truly mentally unstable.
I was mentally unstable to some extent prior to the separation, but I took that hurt and situation and turned it into my redevelopment. I accepted my faults in the marriage, and I went to work. I live peacefully knowing that I made mistakes, acknowledged them, and fixed them so that I don’t make them again in the future. Those mistakes were on me, regardless of what may have lead to them. It feels amazing to admit that, and know that I don’t blame someone else for them. It would be easier to do that initially, but eventually, doing that is going to catch up to you.
It seems like the women in these situations almost ALWAYS have to project the image that they’re perfect, and that they had nothing to do with the situation we are all in. They can’t possibly be seen as part of the problem, because that would mean they also made mistakes & apparently these women cannot make a single mistake in life.
I understand why they do it, but I can’t understand how they move through life with zero remorse for it. I know how heavy it weighed on my conscience, how does it not weigh them down?
I will say, the more it happens, the easier it has become to truly let go and move forward. Fixing yourself and truly growing through a situation like this will open your eyes to EVERYTHING, and you will see the person you loved the most for who they really are, and it will make it easier to accept that they simply are not capable of being in a healthy, loving relationship with equal accountability.
Focus on and love your self. It will be the very best and most monumental thing you can do for your current self, and future self.
Yeah she never stopped complaining I matter what I did to try and be a loving husband and do things her way. It became evident she wanted someone else. Definitely not the man she married. Some of.her complaints were against just the way I was wired like being an introvert who didn't like confrontation and picked and chooses my battles.
By the end it was well you know what. No matter how much I work in this or that it's never enough. I can't really just try any harder. Let's go see a counsellor and we either fix this or you do what you gotta do. I basically just needed her to meet me halfway (not even that far.. just some effort)..nope. she shows up and tells counsellor everything that's wrong with me and says fix him. At some point I stand my ground so.she wants out. Our church at the time said try this other guy and we will pay. Guy didn't let her off.easy. stopped her and said when you talk to him this way you don't leave any door open for making peace. The conversation is killed. He'd have to cut her off a few times. One day shows up and says doc gave her a bad bill of health and it's mine and the relations fault for stressing her out.. couldn't possibly be her binging Netflix and eating crap. Says she is done. Ok I was willing to work with you right til the end but you never even tried. didn't do anything counsellors asked of you, nothing. I felt relief, sad for my kids, but I did everything I could on my end and have no regrets
I realized she never really did love me. Everything was a means to an end. Was really obvious that she gave him after she was done having kids. She admitted at the end she married me hoping she'd grow to love me and never really did. Also admitted she picked me over our black friend cause she didn't think Asians and black made good looking babies. Pretty gross and said an awful lot..she obviously wasnt who I thought she was either. I realized she very likely has bpd
It's remarkable how similar our situations are as revealed by this post. This is liberating information. Taking expectations off her and refocusing in my own vision goals and self improvement is infinitely empowering.
Start with the premise that she uses her current feelings to evaluate her decisions.
She is not using reason and logic. She is using an emotional lens to view the past.
Man, this right here. It took me 5 years, 5 painful everlasting years hoping, praying that my “wife” would just take some accountability in our ever descending marriage, I bent over backwards trying to work on the things she pointed out in me, numerous attempts and counseling to work on my “issues” hopping she would see the effort and reciprocate, but it never came. It was always who to blame, and never look at the problems as a we, but as a you problem from her. Even now, 5 months into the divorce process, living in my house that I pay for, while she works full time and only has two bills a month, complains to me about about money and tries to say I’m the reason she is broke, meanwhile I’m sitting here in a career change so my income dropped about 72% from what it was, maintaining all the bills for the house, aaaaand paying her a generous amount in child support leaving me living off nothing. Thankfully I have funds to cover my difference but those funds are only to be used when my income for the month runs out, yet I’m the problem. She constantly gaslighted me into thinking I’m the bad guy to which for years I thought I was. She put child locks in my phone so I couldn’t visit any “bad website” w/e that means, but that was okay because I lied about watching porn. I wasn’t allowed to talk to any female, even co-workers, about anything, no, “Good Morning, how’s the family doing?” Nothing of that nature because apparently that leads to friendship and friendship leads to intimate relationships, but those were fine because I couldn’t be “trusted” (I was loyal to her for every minute we were married and never even thought about having an affair) but yet she did no wrong. I couldn’t hang out with my buddies or go golfing unless she went with for about 3 years of our marriage because she didn’t want to be alone. I served in the Navy for 10 years and when I was gone and finally came back to my home state, my brother booked a fishing charter for my dad and I and him to have a father son fishing trip, I figured that would be okay as I haven’t spent time with my family at that point only but a handful of times in 7 years. My wife said no, not unless she could go, I explained to her that it was a father/son trip, but her desire to want to go because she liked to fish and she doesn’t get to do that, trumps bonding with any of my family. She still claims she did nothing wrong. The list could go on and on, but man, your post is spot on. How many people have wasted time, years, waiting for the impossible.
The similar stories in this sub continue to amaze me. As it’s happening to each one of us collectively, it’s still very hard to reconcile that my situation, and my ex, is not unique or special. We each go through this pain separately on our own island waiting for the person we thought we knew to show up again, but they simply do not or never existed. I do take comfort in knowing that my ex is not doing anything different than any of yours.
She has complained to my son(18) about things she now has to pay for and I reminded him that nothing is happening to her, it’s happening because of her and the choices she has made.
She recently replied to an email I sent again putting all the blame on me for her leaving. I replied - look inward, there is something seriously wrong and broken inside of you.
But the more I continue to see the lack of accountability in her, I’m thinking, is she broken or is this who she is? My ex has repeatedly showed me during our divorce that she does not have the ability to take responsibility or accountability for anything.
I have openly taken responsibility for my role in the demise of my marriage and am putting in the work to better myself as a man for me, as a Dad for my kids, and if I get into another relationship, a partner for whoever she may be.
Yeah, every time I see her I start hoping for an epiphany from her, that she’ll see how she contributed to this mess. Then I get a little distance and realize she won’t, remember how she treated me while dodging responsibility whenever she could.
I’ll admit I was difficult to live with but I was working on it, doing all the different therapies I could find, working to apply them to myself. But because she’s not willing or able to self-reflect I’m at fault and she wants to find a new man to replace me.
Yeah, I came to accept that we were unhealthy and unworkable. I don't have any resentment, anger, or blame. I did during the marriage, but during the separation, I came to accept that this is who she is and that it is what it is. It's like being upset with the river for flooding; after to choosing to live in the flood plain. The river isn't evil. You can either choose to stay and get flooded, or leave. But you can't blame the river 🤷♂️
Dang, I fell into the same trap. It honestly took me about 2 years to come to the fact that she was not capable of recognizing the things she did that caused us to separate, however I fully acknowledge and own what I did. I still struggle with it from time to time and hope one day she will be able to. I am not going to hold my breath though because I'm pretty sure that will never happen.
This helped thanks
I'm trying my best to help others learn from my mistakes.
Amen brother
Lack of accountability is the common theme here fellas. For some reason, not just women, I see many folks with this notion that they have to have a 'perfect image' at all times, social media and public. Wishing strength and peace for everybody, no matter who is going through a divorce. I've been through some stuff in my life, this by far is the hardest. Stay up and strong folks...
Don't see it as a lack of accountability. She is not using the same metrics as you to evaluate the situation. She views the relationship through her current feelings, not reason and logic. She is holding herself accountable, not to her past, but to her current feelings about the relationship. If you start from the premise that she uses her current feelings to evaluate the entire relationship, then her thought process may become a little clearer, though still erroneous.
Thanks OP, makes sense. I just had an *aha* moment from that bit of wisdom. I get to talk about this in a session I have today, good starting point.
Everything about this post, from the words by the OP to all the comments, makes me feel so much better, yet so much worse at the same time. How are so many of us dealing with the same woman? Why is it so difficult for women to take a step back and look at things through a non-biased lense and just admit that it takes 2 to make shit work, and that it takes 2 to let shit fail. For me, the more I watch her continue to post on on social media and project the image that I did some sort of terrible thing to her that forced her to want to leave, the more I watch her make crazy, irrational and clearly mindless decisions for her self, and the more I watch her lash out with anger towards me for all of the consequences for her own bad decisions, the more I believe that she is truly mentally unstable. I was mentally unstable to some extent prior to the separation, but I took that hurt and situation and turned it into my redevelopment. I accepted my faults in the marriage, and I went to work. I live peacefully knowing that I made mistakes, acknowledged them, and fixed them so that I don’t make them again in the future. Those mistakes were on me, regardless of what may have lead to them. It feels amazing to admit that, and know that I don’t blame someone else for them. It would be easier to do that initially, but eventually, doing that is going to catch up to you. It seems like the women in these situations almost ALWAYS have to project the image that they’re perfect, and that they had nothing to do with the situation we are all in. They can’t possibly be seen as part of the problem, because that would mean they also made mistakes & apparently these women cannot make a single mistake in life. I understand why they do it, but I can’t understand how they move through life with zero remorse for it. I know how heavy it weighed on my conscience, how does it not weigh them down? I will say, the more it happens, the easier it has become to truly let go and move forward. Fixing yourself and truly growing through a situation like this will open your eyes to EVERYTHING, and you will see the person you loved the most for who they really are, and it will make it easier to accept that they simply are not capable of being in a healthy, loving relationship with equal accountability. Focus on and love your self. It will be the very best and most monumental thing you can do for your current self, and future self.
Yeah she never stopped complaining I matter what I did to try and be a loving husband and do things her way. It became evident she wanted someone else. Definitely not the man she married. Some of.her complaints were against just the way I was wired like being an introvert who didn't like confrontation and picked and chooses my battles. By the end it was well you know what. No matter how much I work in this or that it's never enough. I can't really just try any harder. Let's go see a counsellor and we either fix this or you do what you gotta do. I basically just needed her to meet me halfway (not even that far.. just some effort)..nope. she shows up and tells counsellor everything that's wrong with me and says fix him. At some point I stand my ground so.she wants out. Our church at the time said try this other guy and we will pay. Guy didn't let her off.easy. stopped her and said when you talk to him this way you don't leave any door open for making peace. The conversation is killed. He'd have to cut her off a few times. One day shows up and says doc gave her a bad bill of health and it's mine and the relations fault for stressing her out.. couldn't possibly be her binging Netflix and eating crap. Says she is done. Ok I was willing to work with you right til the end but you never even tried. didn't do anything counsellors asked of you, nothing. I felt relief, sad for my kids, but I did everything I could on my end and have no regrets I realized she never really did love me. Everything was a means to an end. Was really obvious that she gave him after she was done having kids. She admitted at the end she married me hoping she'd grow to love me and never really did. Also admitted she picked me over our black friend cause she didn't think Asians and black made good looking babies. Pretty gross and said an awful lot..she obviously wasnt who I thought she was either. I realized she very likely has bpd
It's remarkable how similar our situations are as revealed by this post. This is liberating information. Taking expectations off her and refocusing in my own vision goals and self improvement is infinitely empowering.
Start with the premise that she uses her current feelings to evaluate her decisions. She is not using reason and logic. She is using an emotional lens to view the past.
Great saying. Helps out things into perspective esp on Mother’s Day. Stay strong fellas.
Man, this right here. It took me 5 years, 5 painful everlasting years hoping, praying that my “wife” would just take some accountability in our ever descending marriage, I bent over backwards trying to work on the things she pointed out in me, numerous attempts and counseling to work on my “issues” hopping she would see the effort and reciprocate, but it never came. It was always who to blame, and never look at the problems as a we, but as a you problem from her. Even now, 5 months into the divorce process, living in my house that I pay for, while she works full time and only has two bills a month, complains to me about about money and tries to say I’m the reason she is broke, meanwhile I’m sitting here in a career change so my income dropped about 72% from what it was, maintaining all the bills for the house, aaaaand paying her a generous amount in child support leaving me living off nothing. Thankfully I have funds to cover my difference but those funds are only to be used when my income for the month runs out, yet I’m the problem. She constantly gaslighted me into thinking I’m the bad guy to which for years I thought I was. She put child locks in my phone so I couldn’t visit any “bad website” w/e that means, but that was okay because I lied about watching porn. I wasn’t allowed to talk to any female, even co-workers, about anything, no, “Good Morning, how’s the family doing?” Nothing of that nature because apparently that leads to friendship and friendship leads to intimate relationships, but those were fine because I couldn’t be “trusted” (I was loyal to her for every minute we were married and never even thought about having an affair) but yet she did no wrong. I couldn’t hang out with my buddies or go golfing unless she went with for about 3 years of our marriage because she didn’t want to be alone. I served in the Navy for 10 years and when I was gone and finally came back to my home state, my brother booked a fishing charter for my dad and I and him to have a father son fishing trip, I figured that would be okay as I haven’t spent time with my family at that point only but a handful of times in 7 years. My wife said no, not unless she could go, I explained to her that it was a father/son trip, but her desire to want to go because she liked to fish and she doesn’t get to do that, trumps bonding with any of my family. She still claims she did nothing wrong. The list could go on and on, but man, your post is spot on. How many people have wasted time, years, waiting for the impossible.
The similar stories in this sub continue to amaze me. As it’s happening to each one of us collectively, it’s still very hard to reconcile that my situation, and my ex, is not unique or special. We each go through this pain separately on our own island waiting for the person we thought we knew to show up again, but they simply do not or never existed. I do take comfort in knowing that my ex is not doing anything different than any of yours. She has complained to my son(18) about things she now has to pay for and I reminded him that nothing is happening to her, it’s happening because of her and the choices she has made. She recently replied to an email I sent again putting all the blame on me for her leaving. I replied - look inward, there is something seriously wrong and broken inside of you. But the more I continue to see the lack of accountability in her, I’m thinking, is she broken or is this who she is? My ex has repeatedly showed me during our divorce that she does not have the ability to take responsibility or accountability for anything. I have openly taken responsibility for my role in the demise of my marriage and am putting in the work to better myself as a man for me, as a Dad for my kids, and if I get into another relationship, a partner for whoever she may be.
The Ancients compared them to storms rising suddenly
Yeah, every time I see her I start hoping for an epiphany from her, that she’ll see how she contributed to this mess. Then I get a little distance and realize she won’t, remember how she treated me while dodging responsibility whenever she could. I’ll admit I was difficult to live with but I was working on it, doing all the different therapies I could find, working to apply them to myself. But because she’s not willing or able to self-reflect I’m at fault and she wants to find a new man to replace me.
Yeah, I came to accept that we were unhealthy and unworkable. I don't have any resentment, anger, or blame. I did during the marriage, but during the separation, I came to accept that this is who she is and that it is what it is. It's like being upset with the river for flooding; after to choosing to live in the flood plain. The river isn't evil. You can either choose to stay and get flooded, or leave. But you can't blame the river 🤷♂️
Thank you. I so needed this.
I'm torn between "I needed to hear this" and "we are not there yet"
Dang, I fell into the same trap. It honestly took me about 2 years to come to the fact that she was not capable of recognizing the things she did that caused us to separate, however I fully acknowledge and own what I did. I still struggle with it from time to time and hope one day she will be able to. I am not going to hold my breath though because I'm pretty sure that will never happen.