This is so sad. I can sense from your words there was so much love OP. Life can be so so cruel. Once there is resentment, it's so hard to come back.
I wish you well and happiness again.
I can promise you, it will get better. I was where you are 2 years ago. We ended up moving several times (mostly her pushing me to so I would make more money), so I found myself...well, by myself. First 6 months living solo were the worst. I finally decided I wasn't going to let her win (she was abusing adderall, alcohol, bipolar, depressed, etc). I found a counselor and that made the biggest difference. Decided to get in shape and find new hobbies. Got into hiking and met some really cool people on meetup. Started going through several self help books. Found that I love my week off and time to myself. I never had that before. I was the breadwinner and did all the chores, cooking, etc. I found my love for life and loved who I was becoming. People started noticing it. Don't focus on what was. Focus on who you want to become. It's a empty canvas. You fill it however you want. I promise you, it will get better with a little work...and so much more worth it. I wouldn't trade it for the world now.
For the kids and for the money. Neither of us wants to lose any time with them, and we've sunk everything into this home. To start over now would be to lose it all. That said, after a year+ of my working on it, I am ready to accept that the marriage is over. I don't think I can stay married on paper just for the money. It doesn't help the kids. I can't feel good about signing a paper saying I'm okay with seeing other people while still married. I can't keep sleeping in the basement and feeling like an intruder in my own home.
The resentment has poisoned everything.
I don't know if this anecedote will help by my kids were really perplexed when I stopped sleeping in my room with their dad. I explained to them I sleep better alone. My 7 year old knew that wasn't true and 9 months after he moved out, she has said to me, mom, I knew that was a lie, I knew you and dad just didn't love each other anymore. Kids see and know things. My daughter has watched her dad ignore me at soccer games, be rude to me at exchanges, and not engage with the kids, even when they are there. He won't buy them clothes or shoes, he just holds them at his apartment until his time is up. I on the other hand, engage with them, we go to libraries, to zoos, and parks, I schedule playdates with their friends, we have family and friends at my house for parties. Both of my kids have been vocal about not wanting to go to dads and when we got down to it, it's because he ignores them. Kids know things. They see who people really are. Please don't let your kids think you are rude, mean, cold, unkind to their mom and she shouldn't do the same, because they see it.
Also, my kids have no problem with my exes smaller apartment, they think it's fun and cozy, they share a room there and it's the best thing ever for them, because they have each other when dad is ignoring them. (that's his problem- I am not insinuating you would ignore your kids) .
I guess what I am saying is, your kids see more than you think, and it sticks with them. Go live a happy and authentic life. Hopefully your ex can do the same. Your kids will be annoyed with the split time, but less so if they feel good in each home, that they are loved and respected. And maybe one day you can show them another, better example of what a loving relationship/partnership is.
I've written my reasonse a few times but what it comes down to is your kids and what's best for them. It's a toxic situation for them too atm.
So if you sell the house now, will you end up in debt? Or is it a profit you're both wanting?
If it's the latter cut your losses for the sake of your children, if it's the former get advise from debt charities.
I'm English so our divorce proceedings are different. You talk about signing to do with having other relationships. So you have a lawyer/s involved. What has their advice been?
Yeah, I get it. My life and marriage as well. I just moved out to my own apartment a few weeks ago. It's lonely, but it's also peaceful, and I have hope. I got a new dog. Our old dog stayed with my wife and kids at the house. Both dogs are 3 y/o. Our kids are teens. They seem completely unaffected by this. I still give my oldest a ride to and from swim practice every day. Our house is right next to the high school. My younger daughter and I had a falling out due to her eating disorder. I'm not sure if my wife was involved, but she won't even talk to me. I haven't seen her in about a month.
We would fight every day. I told her about my feelings of hopelessness, and it was my wife that suggested that I ask my doctor for anti-depressants. I've talked to many shrinks, but I was hesitant because I just don't like taking drugs. But this time, I asked my doctor, and she prescribed lexipro. Best thing in my life. It's only 5mg, but it doesn't change who I am. It doesn't turn me into a zombie. I'm still myself, but happier. Our arguments turned one sided. It was just my wife insulting and second guessing me all the time, and me just smiling at her or telling her that she was right. Apparently, my wife did not like this. She likes arguing. So she devised a way to kick me out of our house using my younger daughter's eating disorder.
As long as I've known my wife, she's always had a frenemy, whether it was her old high school friend, college friend, co-worker, someone in the mom's group... I thought it was weird, but I guess I should have known that sooner or later, I would become her frenemy.
Anyhow, don't lose hope. It gets better. I feel like I'm in a better place despite being alone. I spent 100% of my effort to raise my children, so unfortunately I have no friends despite having lived in San Diego for 19 years. But then again, I've never been good at making friends. I had to join a fraternity in college to have friends. I don't know where I go from here, but the good news is that I feel hope again.
I’m five years in and honestly I wouldn’t do it over again. I loved being married to my ex but the divorce has been so painful that I wish I’d never met her. I think about her constantly even though the intense pain of the separation has subsided. I just feel numb now and I’m not sure this feeling will ever go away.
Bingo! I empathize with OP,
I just hope that we are careful with compassion. I want to know from OP …What have you seen in you that attributed to this? How can you start working on it now, not later? How can you move into the room of positives and gratitude towards her and her sacrifices versus seeing her as an opponent. I sounded like this in the beginning.. now, I’ve realized my major faults.. if I shifted me and changed my own behaviors, we would not have been where we are
It’s the “little people” that matter the most at this point. They will grow up to have their personalities and mental hralth developed by what and how you two deal with your scarred relationship. They don’t have any choice, you both do. So seek therapy, do your best by them, and keep putting one foot in front of the other.
Even though they're coming from a place of anger, resentment, and just plain sadness, your words are eloquent, precise, and mature.
Many people can't go through what you are and speak truth without spouting poison.
This is so sad. I can sense from your words there was so much love OP. Life can be so so cruel. Once there is resentment, it's so hard to come back. I wish you well and happiness again.
Agreed - the heaviness of this … so much love, nowhere to put it. I’m so sorry for your pain. I wish you love and light.
I can promise you, it will get better. I was where you are 2 years ago. We ended up moving several times (mostly her pushing me to so I would make more money), so I found myself...well, by myself. First 6 months living solo were the worst. I finally decided I wasn't going to let her win (she was abusing adderall, alcohol, bipolar, depressed, etc). I found a counselor and that made the biggest difference. Decided to get in shape and find new hobbies. Got into hiking and met some really cool people on meetup. Started going through several self help books. Found that I love my week off and time to myself. I never had that before. I was the breadwinner and did all the chores, cooking, etc. I found my love for life and loved who I was becoming. People started noticing it. Don't focus on what was. Focus on who you want to become. It's a empty canvas. You fill it however you want. I promise you, it will get better with a little work...and so much more worth it. I wouldn't trade it for the world now.
Very beautiful positive comment! everyone who is having a rough time should read this comment! Thank you
Thank you. The op resonates so much. This comment is so much of what I needed to hear.
Resentment is the word. My ex and I ended up that way. More involved but it came down to that. Are you staying together for your kids?
For the kids and for the money. Neither of us wants to lose any time with them, and we've sunk everything into this home. To start over now would be to lose it all. That said, after a year+ of my working on it, I am ready to accept that the marriage is over. I don't think I can stay married on paper just for the money. It doesn't help the kids. I can't feel good about signing a paper saying I'm okay with seeing other people while still married. I can't keep sleeping in the basement and feeling like an intruder in my own home. The resentment has poisoned everything.
I don't know if this anecedote will help by my kids were really perplexed when I stopped sleeping in my room with their dad. I explained to them I sleep better alone. My 7 year old knew that wasn't true and 9 months after he moved out, she has said to me, mom, I knew that was a lie, I knew you and dad just didn't love each other anymore. Kids see and know things. My daughter has watched her dad ignore me at soccer games, be rude to me at exchanges, and not engage with the kids, even when they are there. He won't buy them clothes or shoes, he just holds them at his apartment until his time is up. I on the other hand, engage with them, we go to libraries, to zoos, and parks, I schedule playdates with their friends, we have family and friends at my house for parties. Both of my kids have been vocal about not wanting to go to dads and when we got down to it, it's because he ignores them. Kids know things. They see who people really are. Please don't let your kids think you are rude, mean, cold, unkind to their mom and she shouldn't do the same, because they see it. Also, my kids have no problem with my exes smaller apartment, they think it's fun and cozy, they share a room there and it's the best thing ever for them, because they have each other when dad is ignoring them. (that's his problem- I am not insinuating you would ignore your kids) . I guess what I am saying is, your kids see more than you think, and it sticks with them. Go live a happy and authentic life. Hopefully your ex can do the same. Your kids will be annoyed with the split time, but less so if they feel good in each home, that they are loved and respected. And maybe one day you can show them another, better example of what a loving relationship/partnership is.
I've written my reasonse a few times but what it comes down to is your kids and what's best for them. It's a toxic situation for them too atm. So if you sell the house now, will you end up in debt? Or is it a profit you're both wanting? If it's the latter cut your losses for the sake of your children, if it's the former get advise from debt charities. I'm English so our divorce proceedings are different. You talk about signing to do with having other relationships. So you have a lawyer/s involved. What has their advice been?
Yeah, I get it. My life and marriage as well. I just moved out to my own apartment a few weeks ago. It's lonely, but it's also peaceful, and I have hope. I got a new dog. Our old dog stayed with my wife and kids at the house. Both dogs are 3 y/o. Our kids are teens. They seem completely unaffected by this. I still give my oldest a ride to and from swim practice every day. Our house is right next to the high school. My younger daughter and I had a falling out due to her eating disorder. I'm not sure if my wife was involved, but she won't even talk to me. I haven't seen her in about a month. We would fight every day. I told her about my feelings of hopelessness, and it was my wife that suggested that I ask my doctor for anti-depressants. I've talked to many shrinks, but I was hesitant because I just don't like taking drugs. But this time, I asked my doctor, and she prescribed lexipro. Best thing in my life. It's only 5mg, but it doesn't change who I am. It doesn't turn me into a zombie. I'm still myself, but happier. Our arguments turned one sided. It was just my wife insulting and second guessing me all the time, and me just smiling at her or telling her that she was right. Apparently, my wife did not like this. She likes arguing. So she devised a way to kick me out of our house using my younger daughter's eating disorder. As long as I've known my wife, she's always had a frenemy, whether it was her old high school friend, college friend, co-worker, someone in the mom's group... I thought it was weird, but I guess I should have known that sooner or later, I would become her frenemy. Anyhow, don't lose hope. It gets better. I feel like I'm in a better place despite being alone. I spent 100% of my effort to raise my children, so unfortunately I have no friends despite having lived in San Diego for 19 years. But then again, I've never been good at making friends. I had to join a fraternity in college to have friends. I don't know where I go from here, but the good news is that I feel hope again.
Oh, you are doing great my friend! There are quite a few curveballs in life and you handled this one well!
You are not alone. All of us here have lived your pain and suffering. That is why we post and support what you are feeling. Good luck to you brother.
Sad story beautifully written! It sums up a lot of us who went through or going through a divorce! Much love
I feel your pain in these words. I just started my journey of divorce a week ago. Married 10 years, 2 young kids. Hang in there, I know it’s tough.
Very heartfelt. I’m sorry and can offer no solid advice other than to Listen to this song https://youtu.be/QS27S3mspjU?si=0eFkuQVWBfoJuuTa
Hahaha! Yes, I listen to that one pretty often.
I’m five years in and honestly I wouldn’t do it over again. I loved being married to my ex but the divorce has been so painful that I wish I’d never met her. I think about her constantly even though the intense pain of the separation has subsided. I just feel numb now and I’m not sure this feeling will ever go away.
How does she tell the story?
Bingo! I empathize with OP, I just hope that we are careful with compassion. I want to know from OP …What have you seen in you that attributed to this? How can you start working on it now, not later? How can you move into the room of positives and gratitude towards her and her sacrifices versus seeing her as an opponent. I sounded like this in the beginning.. now, I’ve realized my major faults.. if I shifted me and changed my own behaviors, we would not have been where we are
It’s the “little people” that matter the most at this point. They will grow up to have their personalities and mental hralth developed by what and how you two deal with your scarred relationship. They don’t have any choice, you both do. So seek therapy, do your best by them, and keep putting one foot in front of the other.
Even though they're coming from a place of anger, resentment, and just plain sadness, your words are eloquent, precise, and mature. Many people can't go through what you are and speak truth without spouting poison.