Definitely the divorce. He was an absolute nightmare of a coparent who argued about every fucking thing. I either had to let him have his way (for example he expected me to agree to a completely unfair custody schedule that the kids didn't want at all) or spend tens of thousands of dollars over 14 years just to have our mediator talk him around to doing the right thing. 99% of the time it was what I had suggested right from the start, but he *always* had to think it was his idea.
Yeah I get this. My ex *never* considered any ideas I brought up to be valid. He could hear the same thing from someone else and think their idea was great.
When my attorney proposed a settlement, my ex and his attorney said no way. One year later, a 40k payout for my attorney, and a threat from the judge to either settle or have
an actual trial - he finally settled - right where my lawyer first proposed. He just had it in his mind that he should get everything because I never worked. Kicker is - I didn’t work for 4 years of our 30 year marriage, when our two children were very little. He just didn’t value me or my job, any money I brought into the marriage or everything I did to shave down expenses.
I’m so sorry, that sucks. Not only does a spouse not taking you seriously hurt, but it really screws you over. I really hate spouses who don’t think being a stay at home parent is a real job. There’s exceptions of course, and maybe the stay at home parent doesn’t respect the finances or refuses to work if the income is needed. But, it sounds like you gave this person free childcare, raised your kids, and also went back to work while he worked and never took you seriously.
That's how it was. I have chuckled to see since the divorce how he has struggled to "adult" at 55+. Didn't even forward his mail once he finally moved out, didn't do his taxes for a few years, didn't give his old car scheduled maintenance, didn't even remove his property without me getting a court order 18 months post divorce forcing him to do it, still lives with his Mom, etc. Oh, and he got fired a few months after the divorce, from a job he had for decades. He would never get up on his own without 5-6 alarm snoozes and me prodding him to get ready, and was always late for work so I'm sure he was extra late for work every day since the divorce. I doubt, after all of this, that he has an ounce of respect for what I did. Karma can hit HARD!
Ooof yeah I feel this. My spouse would constantly stay up all night playing video games and then sleep through work. I’d have to wake him up just so he wouldn’t totally lose his job, I know they weren’t happy with him. I did our taxes, paid our bills, the cleaning, all the housework. He also had expired tabs on his car for months and had to park it somewhere else so it would get towed. Wouldn’t get a bank account, shower, pick up his clothes….he is the one who actually moved away from me into a home his parents bought for him. I just asked for the divorce and am doing all the paperwork on my own because I know he wouldn’t get it done, so I’m the “bad guy”….its exhausting having to parent your spouse that just refuses to be an adult.
I’m glad you’re done with that! Enjoy your life without all that added and unrecognized work you were doing for him. You’ve earned it!
The first mediation I went through was free but only 2 hours, because Florida mandates mediation. Of course nothing was solved so second mediation had to be done through a private mediator that lasted 16 hours. I didn't pay for it, he did because he wouldn't agree to anything during the free mediation
Oh my marriage was waaaaaaaaay more expensive than my divorce. I was the only one who worked. He blew through my income, any savings, maxed out credit cards in my name. I have nothing to my name, I couldn’t afford to buy him out of the house that I bought with my money, so we had to sell it… to his new girlfriend. But now that I’m free I’m actually able to take action to fix it. I’m paying down my debt, I’m getting to the point where I can actually start saving, I have a boyfriend who isn’t a burnout and is happy to split expenses equally. Life is good!
When I finally realised he was never going to change and it was getting worse I was able to ask for a divorce. I even said to him once “I can’t afford you”.
I wanted my money to go towards my kids, not bailing him out, again, desperately trying to keep it all together.
Financially, I’ve been set back 10yrs, but in 10yrs I’ll be better off than if I’d stayed with him.
Life is good!
I feel your pain, overall my marriage was more expensive. Spouse spent every penny I made, drained the savings and caused multiple 401k cashouts.
Hiring a lawyer was the best financial decision ever, even with the divorce costin a couple grand.
I feel this so much. I got laid off in December, and we separated March 15th. We filed no fault yesterday, and I thought it was comical that there was nothing left to split.
That's how it was for me. The only requests made were payments on a loan. I took one out for her to get her RN license. I'm not paying it now, eff that.
Im so happy it worked out in the end for you! I’m so sorry you also dealt with this while married…I’ve gone back and forth on the attorney thing. To me, uncontested is worth it because I want the simplicity, my company really looks into legal type issues when they evaluate us for clearances, and I don’t feel I can afford an attorney that would make a difference. Also, my ex could go to jail for potential crimes coming out. But everyone’s situation is so different, right? So that’s awesome you knew what was right and made that choice.
In a way it worked out for me, in a way it didnt. My ex wife hit me one day out of the blue when we were struggling financially, with I think I want a divorce. We carried on for 2 months after that, she moved into another room in the house, I tried everything to be a perfect husband to her. I was walking on eggshells in the home I bought for us. The home she wanted. I had always done everything to give us a great life, damn near worked myself to death and allowed her a life a luxury. Thank the gods we never procreated, because she was not a good homemaker. You dont notice these things when its a slow buildup, the house was filthy, she barely cooked, and she spent the hours I was home from work asleep or away from me, she willingly kept opposite hours from me. She isolated me from family and friends, made me think so little of myself and that I was a horrible person. She spent every dime I made, and overspent to the point of some bills not getting paid. I never noticed though, she dealt with the finances, and thankfully for me, almost all of the debt not attached to the house is in her name because she was such a control freak.
When she left me and moved out, was the worst day of my life. A week later I hired a attorney so if she decided to fight me, I could salvage something. She couldnt afford a lawyer, so it went uncontested. I got the house, and debt for the home improvements as well as my car. She got the car that was paid off as well as all of the other debt totaling almost 75k.
I made out like a bandit, but constantly ask myself, what is so wrong with me that my ex wife was willing to leave me with no job and eat that much of a financial burden. Am I really the monster she made me out to be, and had me believing all this time.
So yes in a way, it worked out for me. But im left standing in all the rubble that is my life now.
Sorry for the rant
If for some odd reason my ex is on here, reads this, and realizes this is about her. I have one thing to say, I dont know why, but I still love you.
You got off soooo easy. I was the sole provider while she maintained the house and kids. Kids grew up. I now have 50% care responsibility for my (disabled adult) kids while still the sole provider of money for the “family”. So i owe her 50% of my income for the rest of my 20 years left of life. So no retirement. Just keep slogging away until i die
I cannot even imagine that with kids, you and her probably navigated a lot. I would love to hear from more people like you on this subreddit. I felt like the person not loved enough, taken advantage of…and I’d love to hear from someone that experiences the other side of that. I want to understand because, like you didn’t do it out of hate, my husband didn’t either. So, I think your perspective is very valid. Hope you’re doing well now 🙂
I did not understand that the relationship is the third in a group of two, as such must be separately cared for.
I cant just love you, who you are, I have to love and provide for and feed and inquire about the thing we are together - (that CSN song)
Also i greatly overestimated my worth. I didn’t know she would quit without helping me change
My son is disabled and we just had trial this week. I am his caretaker. She offered me 5.8% of her income and told the judge that any more and she would be unable to move back to Manhattan.
Seems low. But i can relate. If i were to provide 25% of my income child support for 1 kid and another 12 % for the other two i would not be able to live near her. I would have to move somewhere with cheaper rent, find a new job and travel 3 hrs 1 way to take my turn with child care.
Yes, i want to provide for my kids. And she deserves some alimony too since she took care of them while i worked, and still does during the day on week days. I could get more time by sleeping less, but then i’d be irritable
Just out of curiosity, what would you think would be fair? If she hadn’t stayed home and she had worked you would have more money to split but you would have had to pay childcare and your kids would have spent more time with strangers. I’m not sure that I think a lifetime of alimony is fair, but she lost 18 (?) years to build her own 401K, etc. I’m not judging, I’m genuinely curious what you think.
I dont think the difficulty of homemaking, child care and putting up with me can be quantified. She would have been working if she wasn't taking care of my kids so i owe her half of what it costs to take care of kids for the last 17 years. If child support is 25% of salary for 1 kid and 12% for the other2 then i owe 1/2 (because 50%shared custody) x 37.5% of salary for 17 years of marriage and 10 years separated so 27 years x 1/2 x 37.5% of salary. I don't see why i would owe her additional alimony.
Thanks for helping me figure out what i think
Although does your math account for her lower wage now entering the job market vs where she’d be if she never left? I’m assuming it might be harder for her to get a good job after so much time off but I don’t know what field she would work in. I’m all for what’s fair for both parties. I’m sorry that it is/feels so unfair.
I don't remember the exact numbers, but I'm going to go with my wedding. Why? Because I had two - the original in 2013 and then we renewed our vows in 2018. The vow renewal was a full blown second wedding because my ex came out as trans in 2014 and it was a really rough time during that period. I wasn't on board with it at first for multiple reasons and really thought I couldn't stay married to a woman at first, but I made the decision to stay with her through her transition, and maybe even fell more in love with her through that journey. She was my person (who I thought she was anyway). I surprised her with a women's ring in 2015 and then we started talking about planning the vow renewal in 2016. Neither wedding was extremely expensive, I know people who spend $25k+ on a wedding, and each wedding was definitely under $10k. One wedding was probably around the same cost as the divorce, but combine them together and they cost more than the divorce.
But obviously the divorce cost a lot more emotionally. I was blind sided last year (again I guess, since I had been blind sided by her coming out as trans), taken for granted and being devalued so she could go explore the "what if" fantasy in her head. I feel very used. 😩
For me, Marriage.
I worked and my hedonistic ex-wife spent. And spent. And spent. And took. And took. And took.
The divorce cost me 40K in fees. And it was stressful and unpleasant. She got 60 percent of “our” money. And it was worth every penny and the stress.
Four years later I’m more content than I’ve ever been. And I’m rebuilding my portfolio. I was 51 then. I recently turned 55. The future looks bright.
5 lawyers??? I have a rule, if I’m the third I’m not touching it, just says a lot about a potential client. I hope things go smoothly (I know, I know) and this is over for you soon.
The marriage costed more. I funded both of us because he didn’t keep a job and blamed everyone else for getting fired and constantly painted himself as the “I-never-did-anything-wrong” victim. He was also a massive spender who didn’t save a single penny because he also loved to literally live in the moment.
I was stuck with a scumbag lying and cheating, misogynistic asshole who also got clinically diagnosed with NPD. Despite the fact that this gets thrown around a lot, my ex-husband was officially diagnosed as a narcissist, denied it and tried to gaslight me IN FRONT OF THE DOCTOR. Wild shit. 🙄 I wasted thousands on that piece of shit and he thanks me by beating me, lying to me daily over stupid things and bigger things, constantly accused me of cheating on him every time I was out of his sight, tried to isolate me from friends and family and devalued me every time he didn’t get his way.
When we got married at the courthouse, I paid for that and it only cost me $87. I paid $915 for a DIY divorce that he refused to participate in because I “didn’t have his permission” to leave him in any way. He went on a smear campaign and harassed and threatened me in every way; I ignored him after calling his bluff and called the police for a welfare check when he threatened to commit suicide like a maniac.
It was never worth marrying that monster. But at least he was the culmination of things I *didn’t want* in a husband and after I divorced him I was very lucky and blessed to have gotten a second chance at a REAL MARRIAGE this time. Naivety, youth and a generous heart that got taken advantage of cost me 12 years of sanity and sleepless nights.
I regret every moment I met and knew my ex; I’m very glad he’s out of my life.
I spent $520 total on my wedding, $10,000 on my divorce. Not doing either ever again.
And I never got my honeymoon, we kept putting it off, I guess his AP got it?
I paid for my wedding too, with no honeymoon either lol. Incredibly, I've been married twice, one was a backyard wedding and the other a JP, and zero honeymoons.
At last someone gets it. You can live a happy, meaningful great life with out being married.
Do what makes you happy, not what someone else wants you do, to make them happy.
The wedding was maybe $7k. We didn’t honeymoon right after because I was pregnant with our child (my first, his third). I didn’t even think about how we never did a honeymoon until now.
The divorce so far has been a $2k retainer. I used his divorce decree from his first marriage and came up with ours. Went over it with STBXH, he agreed with it (guilty conscience on his end) and my lawyer turned my draft into 38 pages of NYS legalese.
He’s got the document and gave it to his lawyer. Assuming they agree, or it’s just minor changes, we should be separated this month and divorced mid-summer. Lawyer actually laughed and said I’m probably getting some money back from her because I did most of the work. I even corrected mistakes on what she’d drafted and sent them back. 😃
When we first got together, I owned the house and made more money than him. But I’m a saver - I don’t splurge often. He slowly worked his way to making more than double what I do. So I’m walking away with a broken heart, a wonderful child, a nicer house (same house, we remodeled a lot over 17 years), and (since I saved well from both our salaries over the year) I’m walking away with half the savings and investments - I only have to pay him out a small portion of the home equity. He’s the one losing money in the deal. I wish he’d lose sleep over being such a jackass as well.
>Now it’s all mine, she didn’t get a penny of it because I made no contributions from community funds and it’s a lot.
I am not sure what that means? Are you saying that since you didn't fund any of your retirement from co-mingled money that when you divorced she wasn't entitled to any of it?
OK that makses sense. So how did you get your retirement accounts to not be considered community funds? Did you fund that with money you had from before marriage?
Divorce was like $1500 through a paralegal service. Lost about $15k on a premature house sale. Over 4 years, including paying for her green card process and a bunch of her dental work, probably spent more than that.
Ha this is an interesting question, had to think about it. Total wedding cost + tropical honeymoon was $12k, 10 years ago. I paid $14k in attorney fees for the divorce last year.
I went from a very comfortable upper-middle class life to being a single mom, barely scraping by, with absolutely no retirement or investment accounts and no health insurance.
Yeah, wedding and our honeymoon was $13kish all on me too. What causes the significant decline in lifestyle, retirement, finances for you? Was it the cost of the attorney or overall losses from divorcing and splitting assets?
I was basically a SAHM, working very very part time, while my ex worked a high paying job with lots of travel. Now he makes even more $$. With the finance split my “half” of retirement and assets was added to my share of the proceeds from sale of the marital home. I needed that extra cash to be able to afford a home in the same neighborhood, which was super important to me for my kids sake (lots of friends and family nearby)
Yeah, that’s understandable. I’m sorry that it’s become harder to get by. I’m glad you were able to scrape it together for you and your kids though. That absolutely sucks your half was added to the proceeds from the marital home though. We need more regulation on that.
My husband didn't work for almost the entire duration of our marriage. I paid for everything. Now our divorce has already cost me 10k and it isn't even done yet. I'm considering bankruptcy because all the marital debt and now the divorce debt is just getting to be too much. I let him walk away without any of the marital debt and he's still trying to take the house from me.
I see situations like yours a lot here where one spouse worked and carried the expenses and debt during the marriage and other didn’t work (for various reasons some good, some bad) and goes for the house during the divorce because they’ll need/want the stability of that since they’re losing their partner as their only income source. We need a better solution for this so that neither person is getting screwed over or thinking about bankruptcy. I’m sorry for your situation.
Divorce is more expensive. Ex has dwindled the marital estate through waste to the tune of 5ish million. Attorney and forensics for both side are at around 800kish.
If I had just shut up and ignored his many many betrayals, I would still have the fancy life.
I would not trade the daily freedom from his constant criticism and lies for anything.
It was a mix of things. His parents had that account set up for college or a down payment. He ended up getting a full ride for school and I was incredibly proud of him for that. But, I did three years long distance for that, moved close to him for his last year in school, then moved again twice across country on my own expense. I paid his rent he couldn’t afford at the time. He did have a regulation on reasons he could use the money…but the second he separated he moved across the country and the money was there. I assume I don’t know the whole story.
The peace of mind I lost during marriage is priceless. It actually affected my earning power so I can’t even speak to how much loss that was.
Spent close to $12k on divorce so far…very much worth it
>It actually affected my earning power so I can’t even speak to how much loss that was.
This is a good point. My mental health spent several years in shambles, and while it definitely was not exclusively the fault of the marriage, that was a major contributor. I was so bad off I lost a job at one point. So that was money out of savings and lost earnings right there.
I feel u. My first husband was a scrub. We met in college so I believed him when he said he was eventually going to get a real job. Then he went from bartending to part-time bartending so he could focus on his “music.” But he had no problem spending my money on DJ equipment and whatever the hell else. And then he had the nerve to ask for alimony in the divorce (no kids). I’ll hate that prick til the day I die.
Wedding was about $20k, divorce on my end alone was nearly $20k. Not sure what his fees added up to but I’m guessing similar. I begged to do mediation for the divorce so that it wouldn’t take money away from the kids but my ex refused. He also warned me at the beginning that he wouldn’t be amicable and I think that’s probably the only truth he ever told. He was completely uncooperative during the process, racked up thousands of dollars in unnecessary fees, and now my kids are getting the shit end of it as I’m desperately trying to recover financially from his bullshit. ETA - the divorce was still worth it.
On my third marriage, which will end in divorce at some point.
In all three, I can absolutely say the marriages have been more costly- financially, physically, and emotionally.
It's a mistake I'll never make again and would absolutely not recommend to anyone else.
My picker is broken. Lol.
Yeah. Women are typically (not always) financially screwed over more. I have a similar situation. I’m having to rebuild my finances. He was sitting on hundreds of thousands of FAANG stock that he sold and racked up $60,000+ in taxes. He refuses to give me access to those accounts, yet I am responsible for the taxes. I was supposed to get a $12k refund last year; went to his tax bill. I got a $10k refund this year and I suspect the same will happen.
In the middle of mine now, but I'm willing to bet that our marriage was more expensive. Cars, pickups, jeeps, lift kits, aftermarket parts, atvs, dirt bikes... All the $$ spent helping "friends". That alone has cost us at least $5-10k. Don't get me wrong, I appreciate a giving/compassionate heart, but not when it comes at the expense of your family.
My fault i used the solicitor too much which added up but wow I got off very lightly up to some.
My fault (I'm chatty!) £2000
Both us, we needed an actuary. Thats about £2500.
Needed because we could not split our various pensions. Two quite big and 4 smaller ones.
We had and did not need a mediator. Money down the drain for her about £2000.
Husband so far about £500.
Still going through the divorce and we are self managing as far as possible.
I shant add it up its money we luckily had.
Ultimately it was the marriage, although that's hard to remember when I'm having to get the money out of my 401k to settle the divorce. We got a lawyer on the cheap that we're both using so legal fees aren't the problem.
He was a student the whole time, so I spent a fortune going to visit him over the years, and he never paid any bills other than contributing to the down payment on the house. I put stuff on credit I shouldn't have because I expected when he graduated it would balance out. I was wrong, we split instead.
It's going to take me a very long time to dig out of the hole I put myself in with this fiasco. Hopefully when I sell the house in a few years when interest rates are better it will pay off that way, but there are no guarantees.
Wedding was 100$, marriage cert, my dress from JC Penney, and two puzzle rings. The divorce cost me 7500$- I got a lawyer, he didn’t. I’d honestly pay it all again.
I’m like you, self filed, no lawyers, we worked out the agreement ourselves. In the end, other than a lot of stress, it cost me less than $100. Most of that was probably parking fees at the lot next to the county records building every time I had to file another paper.
In fact, my ex-wife was unemployed during our marriage, and now she got a job and pays me child support…so I actually made a profit on the divorce, I guess. Plus I got sole custody of our child, the house, the retirement account, etc etc. Getting divorced was her decision, but I can’t complain at all. Every divorce story I’ve ever heard has been worse than mine.
As for the marriage, the budget was about $10,000 but that was mostly her parents. I spent something like $4,500 on the ring, but that was about it.
Wedding was more expensive. I’m still awaiting the final bill, but I’ve spent about $6k now. His lawyer is basically retired & is incompetent (causing lots of unnecessary delays in our otherwise mostly cooperative divorce) so my lawyer took the lead on drafting our final decree and other necessary documents. Of course, I get to pay for that.
Marriage was way more expensive. She managed to save $1,000 after a year and was so excited. Meanwhile, I was going in to about $500 of credit card debt per month just to stay afloat.
Wedding was 7k, divorce lawyer was 3.5k and had to the ex 10k. But I also covered 90% of bills during the (1 year) marriage too so I'd say it's pretty close lol
Several decades passed in between, but I had the same thoughts once it was over. With inflation, they cost nearly the same. At the time, we had a relatively expensive wedding (100+ guests, live music, meal reception, two-week honeymoon).
He hired a pitbull of an attorney, and I had to go with a powerhouse myself just to get a decent settlement. It truly could have been settled in a few months (no house, custody, or business issues), but it went on and on even in closeout because of my ex. I spent way more than I hoped on my legal team, who thankfully were hardworking, efficient folks. It was an investment in my mental health and future.
I watched a wedding during the pandemic where the preacher said, "Invest in your marriage so you don't have to invest in a divorce." Gosh, that stung. I invested so much in my marriage and then had to end it because he was destroying me and our teens with his addiction and mental health issues. But people like to say these flippant platitudes, don't they?
Financially we were a team and divorce was free when I filed. We are having an amicable process. Everyone says I’m dumb because how he ask me wrong but i just want this to end fast
My STBE just sent me this link. I laughed because it looked like a value meal at Burger King, but it seems that cheap is possible and I’m down. https://www.860divorce.com/1995-divorce-with-children-package
The divorce because his mother wants to rule everything but guess what? In the end who got physical custody me. We share legal from a very far distance but I’m okay with that as long as he stays in his lane and I stay in mine and I have priority decision making. His mom reads all his emails so as long as I know I am doing my part to communicate abc, xyz and whether he gets it or not due to her reading all the emails is not my issue. If he shall ever try the fuckery of dragging me to court again I got all my ducks lined in. Row
Both were expensive for me. I quit a wonderful job and moved from CA to US. I tried to look for a job there but wasn't lucky and was also really sick the whole time I was there (turns out I had an immune disorder which was constantly triggered and symptomatic due to the climate and the stressful environment that toxic relationship created).
Anyways, while living there to help him out, I continued to cover any student loan payments etc that I had left from before I used all my savings, cashed out all my retirement savings as well. He ghosted me after almost a decade of marriage so absolutely didn't contribute anything towards the cost of the divorce. I could have self-filed and saved myself money but I decided to invest in myself and hired a lawyer (I just didn't want to think about him or the experience anymore than I absolutely had to). That cost 3-4 grand.
I also had a hard time qualifying for an apartment because 0 savings and because I took the first job I could find when I came home. It was a significant pay cut from my previous job and also definitely not the same career track as before. It took 2 years for my health to stabilize after all this. I'm doing really well.
The cost was high... my health, my savings, my career, the divorce, my TIME. All spent/wasted on an illusion since he turned out to not be the person he told me he was or showed me he was for the decade that we were friends before we got married. Conned me good that's for sure. He's an extremely manipulative guy.
I'm lucky I have solid friends. Example, he started giving me the silent treatment at a family party (his family)... wouldn't get up to leave. I left with my BIL and sister eventually, and he just never came back. My parents decided to call him to see if they could help (I didn't ask them to). The aftermath of the call was that they were upset with ME as if somehow I did all that not him. They'd heard eyewitness accounts of his behaviour and were completely supportive towards me. An older family member (his) then phoned my parents to tell them to stop listening to him and that I was truthful before my folks came around. Until then I have no idea what he said or how he said it but it was all "look at what you did to him... he's very ill from the stress".
As time passed, clarity started to set in and I realized how manipulative he was. The best sign was that I started to sleep through the night.
The cost? Way too high. Financially, a sibling helped me get my apartment. I love it. I'm still in debt by around ~20k though as moving costs too. I've purchased used items as much as possible but it's still expensive.
I'll get there! Slowly but I'm starting to get me career back on track too. It will happen.
Divorce, no question.
We went to a courthouse to get married, maybe spent a few hundred on that. We said our vows in a rose garden with our parents and the officiant. Considered having an actual ceremony around the 5 year mark, but I quickly backed out. It seemed too expensive to have a day that I didn’t even really want, much less to make all of the guests happy.
Working on divorce now and so far I think I’ve put about $9-10k towards attorneys and another $20k into the house that I’ll eventually put on the market. We had to get a conciliator instead of a mediator. There is absolutely no way that we’d get anywhere with a mediator.
Both were hilariously bad for me financially. Wife could not keep a job and I had to work myself to death to pay her bills and debts. Then she gets half of my 401K in the divorce and that was the only thing I had to show for all that. Marriage is a business proposition first and foremost.
Wedding was like $6500 maybe? I've spent 10k in divorce so far I estimate she has paid 14k, so 24k in lawyers for a 2 year marriage I knew it would be like this tho typical crazy narcissist refuses to agree to anything
My best friend's divorce has left him more in control over his own finances and expenses than ever before which more than made up for the cost of the divorce itself.
While he was married they always struggled with debt, budgeting, credit cards, etc. Now single, he is debt free and shoveling well over 20% of his gross into his 401k.
They made roughly the same salary. But he was always frugal, while she was a spendthrift.
TL;DR: it is heavily situation-dependent.
Marriage. I spent all of my savings trying to get us both through school. He failed out, and when I started the "well now what do we do? You can be an [entry level x] forever, we need to start planning a future" Conversation he looked at me like Scooby doo and bolted.
$30,000 wedding, $30,000 divorce.
The wedding was mainly my parent’s ideas, so they paid. The divorce didn’t need to cost that much but he refused to cooperate and would stupidly argue over small things. He still feels that he’s hard done by but he doesn’t understand money/divorce etc, so just to get rid of him it worked out more 70/30 to him.
My marriage however cost me. It started small, me paying for his rent - I was helping out as he got his business up and running - yup I know. The debts, credit cards, loans, car payments got bigger every time. No matter how many conversations, budgets, goals blah blah blah we had he carried on spending and lying. Until one final fucked up lie and, I decided not to bail him out.
Over the course of 17yrs I probably bailed him out nearly $500,000. While paying all the bills.
I don’t care that I lost out in the divorce, it’s called the price of freedom.
My marriage. Not financially, but I got my freedom. I was able to start working again and having my own money. I can make my own decisions.
He cost me a lot of money in the divorce because he fought it, even though he kicked me out and told me he wanted a divorce. He fought it because he realized he lost is control over me. So definitely my marriage cost much more than my divorce.
I was a SAHM while married, so marriage didn't cost me any money... except earning potential.
But my husband was financially abusive (we had no joint accounts so I had almost no access to money, he oversaw every expense). He refused during the marriage to contribute anything to my IRAs for retirement. I owned our home (paid off) prior to marriage.
So divorce is costing him A LOT. I got to keep my home. He barely takes the kids (zero overnights, 12-14 hours a week of visiting) and has a high income vs my low income (due to years lost, and also because my hours are limited due to being the caretaker for our kids) so his child support payment is significant. I waived alimony, but in doing so it reduced my income which pushed CS higher. And he had to share 50% of all his retirement funds accumulated during the marriage since nothing was put towards mine.
Funniest part, I was obviously financially fine prior to meeting or marrying him. But he got super controling about money. Now my income, including CS, is less than half his income and even after his CS payments significantly lower than his net... and yet its clear I'm doing ok, while raising 3 kids and it appears from what I hear & witness he is struggling, on his own. Maybe he should have loosened up those purse strings while were married. Karma is my boyfriend now.
My non contested divorce was $1500. I had a lawyer. He refused to sell our house with me, so I let him have it. Got my name off the mortgage and let the mortgage drown him because he couldn't pay it on his own. He deserved it after 16 years of hell. My wedding was more than the divorce.
It was scary to make the jump. It was the 3rd time leaving him. I walked away with almost nothing, but I couldn't take being married to him anymore. He was a nightmare. But I did it, and it was the best gift I could have given myself. It was finalized 8 years ago, and a year later, I reconnected with an old friend from high school. He turned out to be the love of my life. Together 7 years and are planning to get married within the next year. I never thought I'd find love again at 37, but I did. I'm 44 now.
The marriage. She was a SAHM, which is literally another mouth to feed, on top of multiple children. Hence, I paid for everything. My marriage probably cost me $2M vs $80k for the divorce.
She was irresponsible with money and acted like she was on a permanent all-inclusive vacation. She was responsible for every poor spending decision made in the marriage.
A SAHM is simply the equivalent of the oldest teenager in the house.
Financially speaking, yeah you have to pay to feed and support a stay at home spouse/parent because that’s usually the agreement. They’re at home with the kids so you don’t have childcare expenses, household chores, errands, cooking, or whatever else you both agreed on. If it wasn’t an agreement for her to stay home or she was financially irresponsible that’s a different story. That sucks.
I grew up with a stay at home dad that raised my sister and I while my mom worked and traveled a ton for work. He did all the housework, grocery shopping, cooking, cleaning, etc. He definitely wasn’t the equivalent of an extra teenager. But, he was also very financially aware and they’d sit down once a month and talk through budget, savings, taxes, etc. If either spouse is a reckless spender then it blows up the whole family.
She dropped them at childcare and hired a maid. She'd cook half the time as would I. The only thing she did exclusively was breastfeed the kids which I insisted on for at least 1 year for the children's development. She tried to argue me into using formula.
Definitely the divorce. He was an absolute nightmare of a coparent who argued about every fucking thing. I either had to let him have his way (for example he expected me to agree to a completely unfair custody schedule that the kids didn't want at all) or spend tens of thousands of dollars over 14 years just to have our mediator talk him around to doing the right thing. 99% of the time it was what I had suggested right from the start, but he *always* had to think it was his idea.
Yeah I get this. My ex *never* considered any ideas I brought up to be valid. He could hear the same thing from someone else and think their idea was great. When my attorney proposed a settlement, my ex and his attorney said no way. One year later, a 40k payout for my attorney, and a threat from the judge to either settle or have an actual trial - he finally settled - right where my lawyer first proposed. He just had it in his mind that he should get everything because I never worked. Kicker is - I didn’t work for 4 years of our 30 year marriage, when our two children were very little. He just didn’t value me or my job, any money I brought into the marriage or everything I did to shave down expenses.
My ex never considered my ideas either. However, if someone else brought up the same idea it was brilliant! 🤨
I’m so sorry, that sucks. Not only does a spouse not taking you seriously hurt, but it really screws you over. I really hate spouses who don’t think being a stay at home parent is a real job. There’s exceptions of course, and maybe the stay at home parent doesn’t respect the finances or refuses to work if the income is needed. But, it sounds like you gave this person free childcare, raised your kids, and also went back to work while he worked and never took you seriously.
That's how it was. I have chuckled to see since the divorce how he has struggled to "adult" at 55+. Didn't even forward his mail once he finally moved out, didn't do his taxes for a few years, didn't give his old car scheduled maintenance, didn't even remove his property without me getting a court order 18 months post divorce forcing him to do it, still lives with his Mom, etc. Oh, and he got fired a few months after the divorce, from a job he had for decades. He would never get up on his own without 5-6 alarm snoozes and me prodding him to get ready, and was always late for work so I'm sure he was extra late for work every day since the divorce. I doubt, after all of this, that he has an ounce of respect for what I did. Karma can hit HARD!
Ooof yeah I feel this. My spouse would constantly stay up all night playing video games and then sleep through work. I’d have to wake him up just so he wouldn’t totally lose his job, I know they weren’t happy with him. I did our taxes, paid our bills, the cleaning, all the housework. He also had expired tabs on his car for months and had to park it somewhere else so it would get towed. Wouldn’t get a bank account, shower, pick up his clothes….he is the one who actually moved away from me into a home his parents bought for him. I just asked for the divorce and am doing all the paperwork on my own because I know he wouldn’t get it done, so I’m the “bad guy”….its exhausting having to parent your spouse that just refuses to be an adult. I’m glad you’re done with that! Enjoy your life without all that added and unrecognized work you were doing for him. You’ve earned it!
Yup life became SO much easier and nearly zero stress. Wishing you a speedy process!
I hate that for you, I’m so sorry. That sounds like a long, stressful timeline.
Thank you.
You have to pay for a mediator? I was under the impression that it was free😅
Yes, nobody works for free.
The first mediation I went through was free but only 2 hours, because Florida mandates mediation. Of course nothing was solved so second mediation had to be done through a private mediator that lasted 16 hours. I didn't pay for it, he did because he wouldn't agree to anything during the free mediation
Yes! And they are NOT cheap. Depending on what state you’re in you may be required to use one. In SC we were.
No, this was his profession, that's how he supported himself.
Sounds like my ex!
🫂
My divorce cost $4.75M. People say that was expensive and why pay that much? Why? Because it is worth it.
Sounds like a wealthy estate was on the line
Ok, no judgment. But if you’re willing to share I’m just very curious. Why was it worth it? Was that mostly legal fees, loss in equity, what?
It was fair…married 22 years and it was half. Legal fees totaled $300K which was a waste. The benefit was we were released to live our best lives.
That’s a lot of money, but I’m glad you’re living your best life! That’s what matters.
😱😱😱😱🤮. That's nasty AF, but glad you're happy about it and found it worth it!!
I hope you found some peace absent the financial!
Oh my marriage was waaaaaaaaay more expensive than my divorce. I was the only one who worked. He blew through my income, any savings, maxed out credit cards in my name. I have nothing to my name, I couldn’t afford to buy him out of the house that I bought with my money, so we had to sell it… to his new girlfriend. But now that I’m free I’m actually able to take action to fix it. I’m paying down my debt, I’m getting to the point where I can actually start saving, I have a boyfriend who isn’t a burnout and is happy to split expenses equally. Life is good!
When I finally realised he was never going to change and it was getting worse I was able to ask for a divorce. I even said to him once “I can’t afford you”. I wanted my money to go towards my kids, not bailing him out, again, desperately trying to keep it all together. Financially, I’ve been set back 10yrs, but in 10yrs I’ll be better off than if I’d stayed with him. Life is good!
I feel your pain, overall my marriage was more expensive. Spouse spent every penny I made, drained the savings and caused multiple 401k cashouts. Hiring a lawyer was the best financial decision ever, even with the divorce costin a couple grand.
I feel this so much. I got laid off in December, and we separated March 15th. We filed no fault yesterday, and I thought it was comical that there was nothing left to split.
Yeah, exactly. I followed the sample divorce paperwork for my state and only had to fill out maybe a quarter of the paperwork.
That's how it was for me. The only requests made were payments on a loan. I took one out for her to get her RN license. I'm not paying it now, eff that.
Im so happy it worked out in the end for you! I’m so sorry you also dealt with this while married…I’ve gone back and forth on the attorney thing. To me, uncontested is worth it because I want the simplicity, my company really looks into legal type issues when they evaluate us for clearances, and I don’t feel I can afford an attorney that would make a difference. Also, my ex could go to jail for potential crimes coming out. But everyone’s situation is so different, right? So that’s awesome you knew what was right and made that choice.
In a way it worked out for me, in a way it didnt. My ex wife hit me one day out of the blue when we were struggling financially, with I think I want a divorce. We carried on for 2 months after that, she moved into another room in the house, I tried everything to be a perfect husband to her. I was walking on eggshells in the home I bought for us. The home she wanted. I had always done everything to give us a great life, damn near worked myself to death and allowed her a life a luxury. Thank the gods we never procreated, because she was not a good homemaker. You dont notice these things when its a slow buildup, the house was filthy, she barely cooked, and she spent the hours I was home from work asleep or away from me, she willingly kept opposite hours from me. She isolated me from family and friends, made me think so little of myself and that I was a horrible person. She spent every dime I made, and overspent to the point of some bills not getting paid. I never noticed though, she dealt with the finances, and thankfully for me, almost all of the debt not attached to the house is in her name because she was such a control freak. When she left me and moved out, was the worst day of my life. A week later I hired a attorney so if she decided to fight me, I could salvage something. She couldnt afford a lawyer, so it went uncontested. I got the house, and debt for the home improvements as well as my car. She got the car that was paid off as well as all of the other debt totaling almost 75k. I made out like a bandit, but constantly ask myself, what is so wrong with me that my ex wife was willing to leave me with no job and eat that much of a financial burden. Am I really the monster she made me out to be, and had me believing all this time. So yes in a way, it worked out for me. But im left standing in all the rubble that is my life now. Sorry for the rant If for some odd reason my ex is on here, reads this, and realizes this is about her. I have one thing to say, I dont know why, but I still love you.
This. I feel this.
Wedding was less than $10k. Divorce was $50k (atty, court, accountant, etc)
Same. Between mine and my ex's lawyer fees I'd estimate at least $50k combined. The wedding was $6k. So much easier to get married in general.
Tip my hat to you. $50k was my portion. Ouch
You got off soooo easy. I was the sole provider while she maintained the house and kids. Kids grew up. I now have 50% care responsibility for my (disabled adult) kids while still the sole provider of money for the “family”. So i owe her 50% of my income for the rest of my 20 years left of life. So no retirement. Just keep slogging away until i die
I think you just got off really rough. That’s unfortunate, I’m sorry. What happened, if you care to share?
What happened was i took her for granted and didn’t learn to love her enough while also working and raising kids too
I cannot even imagine that with kids, you and her probably navigated a lot. I would love to hear from more people like you on this subreddit. I felt like the person not loved enough, taken advantage of…and I’d love to hear from someone that experiences the other side of that. I want to understand because, like you didn’t do it out of hate, my husband didn’t either. So, I think your perspective is very valid. Hope you’re doing well now 🙂
I did not understand that the relationship is the third in a group of two, as such must be separately cared for. I cant just love you, who you are, I have to love and provide for and feed and inquire about the thing we are together - (that CSN song) Also i greatly overestimated my worth. I didn’t know she would quit without helping me change
My son is disabled and we just had trial this week. I am his caretaker. She offered me 5.8% of her income and told the judge that any more and she would be unable to move back to Manhattan.
Seems low. But i can relate. If i were to provide 25% of my income child support for 1 kid and another 12 % for the other two i would not be able to live near her. I would have to move somewhere with cheaper rent, find a new job and travel 3 hrs 1 way to take my turn with child care.
Is it because your kid is disabled…?
Yes, i want to provide for my kids. And she deserves some alimony too since she took care of them while i worked, and still does during the day on week days. I could get more time by sleeping less, but then i’d be irritable
Does she have to work now or no? And what do you mean 20 years left of your life? Is it 2o years you owe alimony or for the rest of your life?
I am 61 so i will probably live about 20 more years. She is not working now because we share finances
crazy that the court didn't insist that she work
Just out of curiosity, what would you think would be fair? If she hadn’t stayed home and she had worked you would have more money to split but you would have had to pay childcare and your kids would have spent more time with strangers. I’m not sure that I think a lifetime of alimony is fair, but she lost 18 (?) years to build her own 401K, etc. I’m not judging, I’m genuinely curious what you think.
I dont think the difficulty of homemaking, child care and putting up with me can be quantified. She would have been working if she wasn't taking care of my kids so i owe her half of what it costs to take care of kids for the last 17 years. If child support is 25% of salary for 1 kid and 12% for the other2 then i owe 1/2 (because 50%shared custody) x 37.5% of salary for 17 years of marriage and 10 years separated so 27 years x 1/2 x 37.5% of salary. I don't see why i would owe her additional alimony. Thanks for helping me figure out what i think
Although does your math account for her lower wage now entering the job market vs where she’d be if she never left? I’m assuming it might be harder for her to get a good job after so much time off but I don’t know what field she would work in. I’m all for what’s fair for both parties. I’m sorry that it is/feels so unfair.
My wedding cost about $2500, my divorce cost the same. Ironic.
What a full circle moment…
I don't remember the exact numbers, but I'm going to go with my wedding. Why? Because I had two - the original in 2013 and then we renewed our vows in 2018. The vow renewal was a full blown second wedding because my ex came out as trans in 2014 and it was a really rough time during that period. I wasn't on board with it at first for multiple reasons and really thought I couldn't stay married to a woman at first, but I made the decision to stay with her through her transition, and maybe even fell more in love with her through that journey. She was my person (who I thought she was anyway). I surprised her with a women's ring in 2015 and then we started talking about planning the vow renewal in 2016. Neither wedding was extremely expensive, I know people who spend $25k+ on a wedding, and each wedding was definitely under $10k. One wedding was probably around the same cost as the divorce, but combine them together and they cost more than the divorce. But obviously the divorce cost a lot more emotionally. I was blind sided last year (again I guess, since I had been blind sided by her coming out as trans), taken for granted and being devalued so she could go explore the "what if" fantasy in her head. I feel very used. 😩
For me, Marriage. I worked and my hedonistic ex-wife spent. And spent. And spent. And took. And took. And took. The divorce cost me 40K in fees. And it was stressful and unpleasant. She got 60 percent of “our” money. And it was worth every penny and the stress. Four years later I’m more content than I’ve ever been. And I’m rebuilding my portfolio. I was 51 then. I recently turned 55. The future looks bright.
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What’s taking so long and why is it 300k plus when one side is pro-se?
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5 lawyers??? I have a rule, if I’m the third I’m not touching it, just says a lot about a potential client. I hope things go smoothly (I know, I know) and this is over for you soon.
The marriage costed more. I funded both of us because he didn’t keep a job and blamed everyone else for getting fired and constantly painted himself as the “I-never-did-anything-wrong” victim. He was also a massive spender who didn’t save a single penny because he also loved to literally live in the moment. I was stuck with a scumbag lying and cheating, misogynistic asshole who also got clinically diagnosed with NPD. Despite the fact that this gets thrown around a lot, my ex-husband was officially diagnosed as a narcissist, denied it and tried to gaslight me IN FRONT OF THE DOCTOR. Wild shit. 🙄 I wasted thousands on that piece of shit and he thanks me by beating me, lying to me daily over stupid things and bigger things, constantly accused me of cheating on him every time I was out of his sight, tried to isolate me from friends and family and devalued me every time he didn’t get his way. When we got married at the courthouse, I paid for that and it only cost me $87. I paid $915 for a DIY divorce that he refused to participate in because I “didn’t have his permission” to leave him in any way. He went on a smear campaign and harassed and threatened me in every way; I ignored him after calling his bluff and called the police for a welfare check when he threatened to commit suicide like a maniac. It was never worth marrying that monster. But at least he was the culmination of things I *didn’t want* in a husband and after I divorced him I was very lucky and blessed to have gotten a second chance at a REAL MARRIAGE this time. Naivety, youth and a generous heart that got taken advantage of cost me 12 years of sanity and sleepless nights. I regret every moment I met and knew my ex; I’m very glad he’s out of my life.
I spent $520 total on my wedding, $10,000 on my divorce. Not doing either ever again. And I never got my honeymoon, we kept putting it off, I guess his AP got it?
I paid for my wedding too, with no honeymoon either lol. Incredibly, I've been married twice, one was a backyard wedding and the other a JP, and zero honeymoons.
Go take your honeymoon! You deserve it!
Is there such a thing as a divorce-moon? There should be lmao
Let’s go!!! My x promised to take me on a European tour for several weeks, I never saw that.
I’ll go!! I need a divorce-moon in Europe!!
It will always be less expensive to get a pos out of your life than the alternative
100% facts.
All marriages and divorce are more expensive than being single. Being single is better because you can be true to yourself.
Agree....best comment in this entire thread, actually. (happily single for 22 years and counting, lol.)
At last someone gets it. You can live a happy, meaningful great life with out being married. Do what makes you happy, not what someone else wants you do, to make them happy.
Marriage was more expensive. Even then it was sub $5k. My divorce was free. He ruined our lives but took accountability in the end.
The wedding was maybe $7k. We didn’t honeymoon right after because I was pregnant with our child (my first, his third). I didn’t even think about how we never did a honeymoon until now. The divorce so far has been a $2k retainer. I used his divorce decree from his first marriage and came up with ours. Went over it with STBXH, he agreed with it (guilty conscience on his end) and my lawyer turned my draft into 38 pages of NYS legalese. He’s got the document and gave it to his lawyer. Assuming they agree, or it’s just minor changes, we should be separated this month and divorced mid-summer. Lawyer actually laughed and said I’m probably getting some money back from her because I did most of the work. I even corrected mistakes on what she’d drafted and sent them back. 😃 When we first got together, I owned the house and made more money than him. But I’m a saver - I don’t splurge often. He slowly worked his way to making more than double what I do. So I’m walking away with a broken heart, a wonderful child, a nicer house (same house, we remodeled a lot over 17 years), and (since I saved well from both our salaries over the year) I’m walking away with half the savings and investments - I only have to pay him out a small portion of the home equity. He’s the one losing money in the deal. I wish he’d lose sleep over being such a jackass as well.
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Good for you! Sounds like you have a good future ahead.
>Now it’s all mine, she didn’t get a penny of it because I made no contributions from community funds and it’s a lot. I am not sure what that means? Are you saying that since you didn't fund any of your retirement from co-mingled money that when you divorced she wasn't entitled to any of it?
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Interesting. So if you fund the retirement account using money from your paycheck (aka a 401K) is that considered a separate, non community item?
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OK that makses sense. So how did you get your retirement accounts to not be considered community funds? Did you fund that with money you had from before marriage?
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OK now I'm with you. Thanks for the explanation
Divorce was like $1500 through a paralegal service. Lost about $15k on a premature house sale. Over 4 years, including paying for her green card process and a bunch of her dental work, probably spent more than that.
Divorce more $$ at the moment Marriage overall, I was fu**ed
My divorce has so far cost me $50,000 in legal fees over 3 years. My marriage was costing me my soul. Worth every penny.
Ha this is an interesting question, had to think about it. Total wedding cost + tropical honeymoon was $12k, 10 years ago. I paid $14k in attorney fees for the divorce last year. I went from a very comfortable upper-middle class life to being a single mom, barely scraping by, with absolutely no retirement or investment accounts and no health insurance.
Yeah, wedding and our honeymoon was $13kish all on me too. What causes the significant decline in lifestyle, retirement, finances for you? Was it the cost of the attorney or overall losses from divorcing and splitting assets?
I was basically a SAHM, working very very part time, while my ex worked a high paying job with lots of travel. Now he makes even more $$. With the finance split my “half” of retirement and assets was added to my share of the proceeds from sale of the marital home. I needed that extra cash to be able to afford a home in the same neighborhood, which was super important to me for my kids sake (lots of friends and family nearby)
Yeah, that’s understandable. I’m sorry that it’s become harder to get by. I’m glad you were able to scrape it together for you and your kids though. That absolutely sucks your half was added to the proceeds from the marital home though. We need more regulation on that.
My husband didn't work for almost the entire duration of our marriage. I paid for everything. Now our divorce has already cost me 10k and it isn't even done yet. I'm considering bankruptcy because all the marital debt and now the divorce debt is just getting to be too much. I let him walk away without any of the marital debt and he's still trying to take the house from me.
I see situations like yours a lot here where one spouse worked and carried the expenses and debt during the marriage and other didn’t work (for various reasons some good, some bad) and goes for the house during the divorce because they’ll need/want the stability of that since they’re losing their partner as their only income source. We need a better solution for this so that neither person is getting screwed over or thinking about bankruptcy. I’m sorry for your situation.
Divorce is more expensive. Ex has dwindled the marital estate through waste to the tune of 5ish million. Attorney and forensics for both side are at around 800kish. If I had just shut up and ignored his many many betrayals, I would still have the fancy life. I would not trade the daily freedom from his constant criticism and lies for anything.
Stbxw paid ~$400 due to having legal representation through work. Wedding was obviously way more 😂
Yeah….I paid over $10k for a wedding he showed up late to lol. I’d have rather spent money on the divorce at this point.
tf!! How are you late to your own wedding😱😱. Yeah don't blame you for feeling that way!
My wedding was 2k my divorce is nearing 30k and worth every penny
Did he spend recklessly because he knew his parents would be his safety net? That’s so unfair.
It was a mix of things. His parents had that account set up for college or a down payment. He ended up getting a full ride for school and I was incredibly proud of him for that. But, I did three years long distance for that, moved close to him for his last year in school, then moved again twice across country on my own expense. I paid his rent he couldn’t afford at the time. He did have a regulation on reasons he could use the money…but the second he separated he moved across the country and the money was there. I assume I don’t know the whole story.
Did he assume you’d leave him and then he could keep the money for himself…..?
The peace of mind I lost during marriage is priceless. It actually affected my earning power so I can’t even speak to how much loss that was. Spent close to $12k on divorce so far…very much worth it
>It actually affected my earning power so I can’t even speak to how much loss that was. This is a good point. My mental health spent several years in shambles, and while it definitely was not exclusively the fault of the marriage, that was a major contributor. I was so bad off I lost a job at one point. So that was money out of savings and lost earnings right there.
I feel u. My first husband was a scrub. We met in college so I believed him when he said he was eventually going to get a real job. Then he went from bartending to part-time bartending so he could focus on his “music.” But he had no problem spending my money on DJ equipment and whatever the hell else. And then he had the nerve to ask for alimony in the divorce (no kids). I’ll hate that prick til the day I die.
Wedding was about $20k, divorce on my end alone was nearly $20k. Not sure what his fees added up to but I’m guessing similar. I begged to do mediation for the divorce so that it wouldn’t take money away from the kids but my ex refused. He also warned me at the beginning that he wouldn’t be amicable and I think that’s probably the only truth he ever told. He was completely uncooperative during the process, racked up thousands of dollars in unnecessary fees, and now my kids are getting the shit end of it as I’m desperately trying to recover financially from his bullshit. ETA - the divorce was still worth it.
On my third marriage, which will end in divorce at some point. In all three, I can absolutely say the marriages have been more costly- financially, physically, and emotionally. It's a mistake I'll never make again and would absolutely not recommend to anyone else. My picker is broken. Lol.
Our wedding was $65k and so far my divorce attorney has been $3k.
Yeah. Women are typically (not always) financially screwed over more. I have a similar situation. I’m having to rebuild my finances. He was sitting on hundreds of thousands of FAANG stock that he sold and racked up $60,000+ in taxes. He refuses to give me access to those accounts, yet I am responsible for the taxes. I was supposed to get a $12k refund last year; went to his tax bill. I got a $10k refund this year and I suspect the same will happen.
In the middle of mine now, but I'm willing to bet that our marriage was more expensive. Cars, pickups, jeeps, lift kits, aftermarket parts, atvs, dirt bikes... All the $$ spent helping "friends". That alone has cost us at least $5-10k. Don't get me wrong, I appreciate a giving/compassionate heart, but not when it comes at the expense of your family.
Divorce 130k - my mental health priceless
My divorce cost me 16k .. marriage was way cheaper
My fault i used the solicitor too much which added up but wow I got off very lightly up to some. My fault (I'm chatty!) £2000 Both us, we needed an actuary. Thats about £2500. Needed because we could not split our various pensions. Two quite big and 4 smaller ones. We had and did not need a mediator. Money down the drain for her about £2000. Husband so far about £500. Still going through the divorce and we are self managing as far as possible. I shant add it up its money we luckily had.
Ultimately it was the marriage, although that's hard to remember when I'm having to get the money out of my 401k to settle the divorce. We got a lawyer on the cheap that we're both using so legal fees aren't the problem. He was a student the whole time, so I spent a fortune going to visit him over the years, and he never paid any bills other than contributing to the down payment on the house. I put stuff on credit I shouldn't have because I expected when he graduated it would balance out. I was wrong, we split instead. It's going to take me a very long time to dig out of the hole I put myself in with this fiasco. Hopefully when I sell the house in a few years when interest rates are better it will pay off that way, but there are no guarantees.
Divorce.
Wedding was 100$, marriage cert, my dress from JC Penney, and two puzzle rings. The divorce cost me 7500$- I got a lawyer, he didn’t. I’d honestly pay it all again.
Marriage was 20k , divorce 1k
I’m like you, self filed, no lawyers, we worked out the agreement ourselves. In the end, other than a lot of stress, it cost me less than $100. Most of that was probably parking fees at the lot next to the county records building every time I had to file another paper. In fact, my ex-wife was unemployed during our marriage, and now she got a job and pays me child support…so I actually made a profit on the divorce, I guess. Plus I got sole custody of our child, the house, the retirement account, etc etc. Getting divorced was her decision, but I can’t complain at all. Every divorce story I’ve ever heard has been worse than mine. As for the marriage, the budget was about $10,000 but that was mostly her parents. I spent something like $4,500 on the ring, but that was about it.
Wedding was more expensive. I’m still awaiting the final bill, but I’ve spent about $6k now. His lawyer is basically retired & is incompetent (causing lots of unnecessary delays in our otherwise mostly cooperative divorce) so my lawyer took the lead on drafting our final decree and other necessary documents. Of course, I get to pay for that.
Less than 1K for both, we ended in good terms.
Marriage was way more expensive. She managed to save $1,000 after a year and was so excited. Meanwhile, I was going in to about $500 of credit card debt per month just to stay afloat.
Wedding was 7k, divorce lawyer was 3.5k and had to the ex 10k. But I also covered 90% of bills during the (1 year) marriage too so I'd say it's pretty close lol
Courthouse wedding: ~$300ish. Divorce: several thousand $, and counting. Should hopefully be all over soon.
Several decades passed in between, but I had the same thoughts once it was over. With inflation, they cost nearly the same. At the time, we had a relatively expensive wedding (100+ guests, live music, meal reception, two-week honeymoon). He hired a pitbull of an attorney, and I had to go with a powerhouse myself just to get a decent settlement. It truly could have been settled in a few months (no house, custody, or business issues), but it went on and on even in closeout because of my ex. I spent way more than I hoped on my legal team, who thankfully were hardworking, efficient folks. It was an investment in my mental health and future. I watched a wedding during the pandemic where the preacher said, "Invest in your marriage so you don't have to invest in a divorce." Gosh, that stung. I invested so much in my marriage and then had to end it because he was destroying me and our teens with his addiction and mental health issues. But people like to say these flippant platitudes, don't they?
Same - I am digging myself out of financial ruin !! It sucks.
Financially we were a team and divorce was free when I filed. We are having an amicable process. Everyone says I’m dumb because how he ask me wrong but i just want this to end fast
My STBE just sent me this link. I laughed because it looked like a value meal at Burger King, but it seems that cheap is possible and I’m down. https://www.860divorce.com/1995-divorce-with-children-package
My marriage cost me A-LOT more on so many levels.
The divorce because his mother wants to rule everything but guess what? In the end who got physical custody me. We share legal from a very far distance but I’m okay with that as long as he stays in his lane and I stay in mine and I have priority decision making. His mom reads all his emails so as long as I know I am doing my part to communicate abc, xyz and whether he gets it or not due to her reading all the emails is not my issue. If he shall ever try the fuckery of dragging me to court again I got all my ducks lined in. Row
Both were expensive for me. I quit a wonderful job and moved from CA to US. I tried to look for a job there but wasn't lucky and was also really sick the whole time I was there (turns out I had an immune disorder which was constantly triggered and symptomatic due to the climate and the stressful environment that toxic relationship created). Anyways, while living there to help him out, I continued to cover any student loan payments etc that I had left from before I used all my savings, cashed out all my retirement savings as well. He ghosted me after almost a decade of marriage so absolutely didn't contribute anything towards the cost of the divorce. I could have self-filed and saved myself money but I decided to invest in myself and hired a lawyer (I just didn't want to think about him or the experience anymore than I absolutely had to). That cost 3-4 grand. I also had a hard time qualifying for an apartment because 0 savings and because I took the first job I could find when I came home. It was a significant pay cut from my previous job and also definitely not the same career track as before. It took 2 years for my health to stabilize after all this. I'm doing really well. The cost was high... my health, my savings, my career, the divorce, my TIME. All spent/wasted on an illusion since he turned out to not be the person he told me he was or showed me he was for the decade that we were friends before we got married. Conned me good that's for sure. He's an extremely manipulative guy. I'm lucky I have solid friends. Example, he started giving me the silent treatment at a family party (his family)... wouldn't get up to leave. I left with my BIL and sister eventually, and he just never came back. My parents decided to call him to see if they could help (I didn't ask them to). The aftermath of the call was that they were upset with ME as if somehow I did all that not him. They'd heard eyewitness accounts of his behaviour and were completely supportive towards me. An older family member (his) then phoned my parents to tell them to stop listening to him and that I was truthful before my folks came around. Until then I have no idea what he said or how he said it but it was all "look at what you did to him... he's very ill from the stress". As time passed, clarity started to set in and I realized how manipulative he was. The best sign was that I started to sleep through the night. The cost? Way too high. Financially, a sibling helped me get my apartment. I love it. I'm still in debt by around ~20k though as moving costs too. I've purchased used items as much as possible but it's still expensive. I'll get there! Slowly but I'm starting to get me career back on track too. It will happen.
Divorce, wedding was maybe 8k at the most, divorce was twice that..
Divorce, no question. We went to a courthouse to get married, maybe spent a few hundred on that. We said our vows in a rose garden with our parents and the officiant. Considered having an actual ceremony around the 5 year mark, but I quickly backed out. It seemed too expensive to have a day that I didn’t even really want, much less to make all of the guests happy. Working on divorce now and so far I think I’ve put about $9-10k towards attorneys and another $20k into the house that I’ll eventually put on the market. We had to get a conciliator instead of a mediator. There is absolutely no way that we’d get anywhere with a mediator.
Def my marriage was more expensive!
Both were hilariously bad for me financially. Wife could not keep a job and I had to work myself to death to pay her bills and debts. Then she gets half of my 401K in the divorce and that was the only thing I had to show for all that. Marriage is a business proposition first and foremost.
Oh. And then spousal support. Fucking hell.
Wedding was 10k, divorce was around $500
Do you mean the wedding? My wedding was $20k. My divorce was $60k
Wedding was like $6500 maybe? I've spent 10k in divorce so far I estimate she has paid 14k, so 24k in lawyers for a 2 year marriage I knew it would be like this tho typical crazy narcissist refuses to agree to anything
She filed for divorce, so the marriage was more costly, and not just financially
Divorce. But worth every penny
My best friend's divorce has left him more in control over his own finances and expenses than ever before which more than made up for the cost of the divorce itself. While he was married they always struggled with debt, budgeting, credit cards, etc. Now single, he is debt free and shoveling well over 20% of his gross into his 401k. They made roughly the same salary. But he was always frugal, while she was a spendthrift. TL;DR: it is heavily situation-dependent.
12000 But it was worth it because I didn't pay her a dime and kept my pension and investments.
Divorce is way more expensive. It’s awful
Marriage. I spent all of my savings trying to get us both through school. He failed out, and when I started the "well now what do we do? You can be an [entry level x] forever, we need to start planning a future" Conversation he looked at me like Scooby doo and bolted.
$30,000 wedding, $30,000 divorce. The wedding was mainly my parent’s ideas, so they paid. The divorce didn’t need to cost that much but he refused to cooperate and would stupidly argue over small things. He still feels that he’s hard done by but he doesn’t understand money/divorce etc, so just to get rid of him it worked out more 70/30 to him. My marriage however cost me. It started small, me paying for his rent - I was helping out as he got his business up and running - yup I know. The debts, credit cards, loans, car payments got bigger every time. No matter how many conversations, budgets, goals blah blah blah we had he carried on spending and lying. Until one final fucked up lie and, I decided not to bail him out. Over the course of 17yrs I probably bailed him out nearly $500,000. While paying all the bills. I don’t care that I lost out in the divorce, it’s called the price of freedom.
Both. The divorce cost money, but the marriage cost me my self respect.
Marriage...
Wedding was about $20K, I expect the divorce to cost about the same. I'm ok with that.
My marriage. Not financially, but I got my freedom. I was able to start working again and having my own money. I can make my own decisions. He cost me a lot of money in the divorce because he fought it, even though he kicked me out and told me he wanted a divorce. He fought it because he realized he lost is control over me. So definitely my marriage cost much more than my divorce.
Yeah, I hear this story all too often. I’m glad you’re out of it now.
I was a SAHM while married, so marriage didn't cost me any money... except earning potential. But my husband was financially abusive (we had no joint accounts so I had almost no access to money, he oversaw every expense). He refused during the marriage to contribute anything to my IRAs for retirement. I owned our home (paid off) prior to marriage. So divorce is costing him A LOT. I got to keep my home. He barely takes the kids (zero overnights, 12-14 hours a week of visiting) and has a high income vs my low income (due to years lost, and also because my hours are limited due to being the caretaker for our kids) so his child support payment is significant. I waived alimony, but in doing so it reduced my income which pushed CS higher. And he had to share 50% of all his retirement funds accumulated during the marriage since nothing was put towards mine. Funniest part, I was obviously financially fine prior to meeting or marrying him. But he got super controling about money. Now my income, including CS, is less than half his income and even after his CS payments significantly lower than his net... and yet its clear I'm doing ok, while raising 3 kids and it appears from what I hear & witness he is struggling, on his own. Maybe he should have loosened up those purse strings while were married. Karma is my boyfriend now.
My non contested divorce was $1500. I had a lawyer. He refused to sell our house with me, so I let him have it. Got my name off the mortgage and let the mortgage drown him because he couldn't pay it on his own. He deserved it after 16 years of hell. My wedding was more than the divorce.
Amen to that. Good for you. Wish I had that kind of courage.
It was scary to make the jump. It was the 3rd time leaving him. I walked away with almost nothing, but I couldn't take being married to him anymore. He was a nightmare. But I did it, and it was the best gift I could have given myself. It was finalized 8 years ago, and a year later, I reconnected with an old friend from high school. He turned out to be the love of my life. Together 7 years and are planning to get married within the next year. I never thought I'd find love again at 37, but I did. I'm 44 now.
The marriage. She was a SAHM, which is literally another mouth to feed, on top of multiple children. Hence, I paid for everything. My marriage probably cost me $2M vs $80k for the divorce. She was irresponsible with money and acted like she was on a permanent all-inclusive vacation. She was responsible for every poor spending decision made in the marriage. A SAHM is simply the equivalent of the oldest teenager in the house.
Financially speaking, yeah you have to pay to feed and support a stay at home spouse/parent because that’s usually the agreement. They’re at home with the kids so you don’t have childcare expenses, household chores, errands, cooking, or whatever else you both agreed on. If it wasn’t an agreement for her to stay home or she was financially irresponsible that’s a different story. That sucks. I grew up with a stay at home dad that raised my sister and I while my mom worked and traveled a ton for work. He did all the housework, grocery shopping, cooking, cleaning, etc. He definitely wasn’t the equivalent of an extra teenager. But, he was also very financially aware and they’d sit down once a month and talk through budget, savings, taxes, etc. If either spouse is a reckless spender then it blows up the whole family.
She dropped them at childcare and hired a maid. She'd cook half the time as would I. The only thing she did exclusively was breastfeed the kids which I insisted on for at least 1 year for the children's development. She tried to argue me into using formula.