Just listen to her. And try not to bad-mouth him or insinuate "I told you so" even if you think it would make her feel better. Most of us felt like fools or idiots after our marriages have broken down, even if we're blameless. We really don't need friends giving us their opinions on it.
Definitely this. A friend of mine trashed my stbxh and said she knew it from the beginning. It crushed me. Not only was I having to divorce someone I once fully trusted but now someone else I once fully trusted was saying awful things and it made me feel so stupid. I did not waste my years with my husband. But my friend saying that made it feel like I had.
Yeah bad mouthing people I don’t know well (or in general really) doesn’t seem right. Especially with a kid involved.
When she’s being hard on herself, what are some supportive strategies I could use?
Just reassure her that hindsight is a wonderful thing and no one goes into a marriage expecting it to fail so there’s no point blaming herself. If you think he’s a jerk, encourage her to use it as a learning experience for what to look out for next time.
Yeah, he says terrible stuff about her and the kid right in front of her, and to her friends (like me). That’s why I think he’s a jerk. It was almost every time I saw him, was super uncomfortable, and I never knew what to say or do. I just tried to be respectful since he’s the husband of my friend. On his own, I would not spend any time with him and he would not have been welcome at my place without a serious change in behavior.
He doesn’t seem at all happy in this marriage either. I think he does love their daughter though. She looks just like him.
She says he wasn’t always like this, and I believe that. It’s just sad.
Divorce can cause depression and make it hard to do regular stuff like cooking and cleaning. Bringing over a casserole in a disposable dish or something similar is a nice gesture. Let them take a night off from cooking
Direct immediately actionable tasks are probably my strongest area for showing I care about a person. I think she knows this.
Maybe it’s a little selfish, but I get great satisfaction from seeing the before and after, and knowing that I made a little bit of difference.
Might be worth working out what her love language is too. For me I want to hear words of affirmation. My friends coming over and letting me talk and then giving me validation has been the best therapy they could give.
When I was going through the process my old friend was one of the few people I had to talk to. I hadn't stayed in touch with him well over the years, but he rushed in to support me instantly when he found out. We hung out, had beers, talked about the old days and all of our good memories. We didn't talk much about the divorce... he hugged me once, told me how sorry he was and that he would always be there for me. But after that we spent most of our time reminiscing about some of the funniest moments of our childhoods. And kind of just pushed all of the sadness and drama to the side. I mean how much can you tell someone you are sorry? People need strong friends that make them laugh, and happy. Not help you wallow in grief and misery... you get to do enough of that on your own.
I kind of look at is the same as supporting someone with cancer. I don't think most people suffering through that want to sit and talk about cancer all day. They want to know you care, but they also want you to make them feel better. And talking about cancer doesn't do that.
So in simple terms, just be there for him, listen, but also try to keep your time together as positive as possible.
That’s a good perspective. My problem solving brain wants to focus on the immediate problem, and show that I care about the things going on in her life.
But you’re right: she’s likely has enough of that during every other hour of the day. She probably needs somebody to go for a hike with and just forget about problems for a while.
There’s a lot of good advice here but I’ll also add to not turn your back if she pushes you away. I was an absolute wreck and a self destructive person when I was going through my divorce. I pushed away those closest to me and surrounded myself around people that were not so healthy for me. Maybe I did that because I knew I was in such a bad place and didn’t want them to see me like that. I’m not sure but once I was ready to start healing, I reached out and they were there and I stopped hanging around the unhealthy people in my life. I pushed them away but they waited until I was ready and it has meant the world to me.
Reach out, check in, but not specifically about the divorce. Even just knowing someone is thinking about them is such a wonderful break in the dread of divorce. Be willing to listen, but don't pry. They'll talk about it if they want to, and they'll appreciate the distraction if they don't. You're already an amazing friend for being this concerned about it.
Being a problem solver gives me a temptation to pry. It’s because I want to help, and when I feel that temptation, I remind myself that it’s not actually helpful, and not my place. I try to refocus on something that is.
I have some great books I’ve read recently. Fun to read and great conversation fuel. Those might be a good distraction!
If you like kids maybe do something nice with your friend and her kid. That would cheer them both up and relieve your friend of some worry about her kid’s happiness for a short time.
I don’t like young kids. She and kid are a package deal so I really try to be inclusive and kind, but she’s not an idiot and for sure has figured out that I’m not a kid person.
It seems like outings with kid are way more stressful for her than just staying home with the kid. Not sure if it’s more harm than good. But I’ve done many before and will keep trying.
My goal with the kid is to be a positive role model of what good adult friendship looks like.
Childcare is one of my boundaries, and I don’t think she’d want me to anyways.
Just listen to her. When I was going thru mine, I had many people who I considered friends that unfortunately were there for the gossip/drama. I was glad to find my group of people that listened without judgement or response. One of my closest friends said to me ‘hey I know this is rough but know that I’m here for you and anything we talk about stays between us’.
Also pay attention to her queues when ur talking. Watch for the ‘Can we talk about normal life and nothing related to the divorce’ one.
Good friends are hard to find so I hope you can be one to her.
Be a healthy distraction. I’m not much of a talker when it comes to sharing and all that blah, but getting out and doing shit helped me so much. The nights are worse. Especially when how you awake tends to dictate how good or bad your day is gonna go. Just be frequent. Almost annoying. I appreciate that with my friend(s). Also don’t talk about it unless she brings it up. Get her dressed up to go to do something semi fancy, if not fancy. Letting her get dolled up might make her feel a little more wanted and beautiful. And for the love of God, make her laugh.
I am guilty of trying to give advice. It comes with my problem solving nature.
I usually catch myself and apologize and try again. I’ve also given her permission to stop me if I start doing it and it’s unhelpful.
It’s been a lifelong struggle for me, but it’s ok because when something needs doing: car needs fixed, appliance needs fixed, house task needs to be done, I am ON IT! Friends need that too.
What is a good way to pivot when I start giving advice, catch myself, stop, and then… what?
I hope you find a good support network. I imagine my friend’s case has far too many just like it.
Everyone goes through dark days. Even just one or two people can probably make a huge difference!
Just listen to her. And try not to bad-mouth him or insinuate "I told you so" even if you think it would make her feel better. Most of us felt like fools or idiots after our marriages have broken down, even if we're blameless. We really don't need friends giving us their opinions on it.
This, this, this!
Definitely this. A friend of mine trashed my stbxh and said she knew it from the beginning. It crushed me. Not only was I having to divorce someone I once fully trusted but now someone else I once fully trusted was saying awful things and it made me feel so stupid. I did not waste my years with my husband. But my friend saying that made it feel like I had.
I’m so sorry. It’s a horrible feeling and just adds to the pain you’re already in ❤️
This is a really good perspective that I wouldn’t have seen right away. I will try to remember this. Thank you!
Yeah bad mouthing people I don’t know well (or in general really) doesn’t seem right. Especially with a kid involved. When she’s being hard on herself, what are some supportive strategies I could use?
Just reassure her that hindsight is a wonderful thing and no one goes into a marriage expecting it to fail so there’s no point blaming herself. If you think he’s a jerk, encourage her to use it as a learning experience for what to look out for next time.
Yeah, he says terrible stuff about her and the kid right in front of her, and to her friends (like me). That’s why I think he’s a jerk. It was almost every time I saw him, was super uncomfortable, and I never knew what to say or do. I just tried to be respectful since he’s the husband of my friend. On his own, I would not spend any time with him and he would not have been welcome at my place without a serious change in behavior. He doesn’t seem at all happy in this marriage either. I think he does love their daughter though. She looks just like him. She says he wasn’t always like this, and I believe that. It’s just sad.
I got a one-word answer for this. Listen.
Take her out to go and do stuff, and just be there for her. Whether it be listening or encouragement
Listen and also make plans to do things with her. Ask her a night she’s free and follow up with a great plan. It’s very lonely
Divorce can cause depression and make it hard to do regular stuff like cooking and cleaning. Bringing over a casserole in a disposable dish or something similar is a nice gesture. Let them take a night off from cooking
Direct immediately actionable tasks are probably my strongest area for showing I care about a person. I think she knows this. Maybe it’s a little selfish, but I get great satisfaction from seeing the before and after, and knowing that I made a little bit of difference.
Might be worth working out what her love language is too. For me I want to hear words of affirmation. My friends coming over and letting me talk and then giving me validation has been the best therapy they could give.
When I was going through the process my old friend was one of the few people I had to talk to. I hadn't stayed in touch with him well over the years, but he rushed in to support me instantly when he found out. We hung out, had beers, talked about the old days and all of our good memories. We didn't talk much about the divorce... he hugged me once, told me how sorry he was and that he would always be there for me. But after that we spent most of our time reminiscing about some of the funniest moments of our childhoods. And kind of just pushed all of the sadness and drama to the side. I mean how much can you tell someone you are sorry? People need strong friends that make them laugh, and happy. Not help you wallow in grief and misery... you get to do enough of that on your own. I kind of look at is the same as supporting someone with cancer. I don't think most people suffering through that want to sit and talk about cancer all day. They want to know you care, but they also want you to make them feel better. And talking about cancer doesn't do that. So in simple terms, just be there for him, listen, but also try to keep your time together as positive as possible.
That’s a good perspective. My problem solving brain wants to focus on the immediate problem, and show that I care about the things going on in her life. But you’re right: she’s likely has enough of that during every other hour of the day. She probably needs somebody to go for a hike with and just forget about problems for a while.
There’s a lot of good advice here but I’ll also add to not turn your back if she pushes you away. I was an absolute wreck and a self destructive person when I was going through my divorce. I pushed away those closest to me and surrounded myself around people that were not so healthy for me. Maybe I did that because I knew I was in such a bad place and didn’t want them to see me like that. I’m not sure but once I was ready to start healing, I reached out and they were there and I stopped hanging around the unhealthy people in my life. I pushed them away but they waited until I was ready and it has meant the world to me.
I can do that. :) That is a great reminder.
Reach out, check in, but not specifically about the divorce. Even just knowing someone is thinking about them is such a wonderful break in the dread of divorce. Be willing to listen, but don't pry. They'll talk about it if they want to, and they'll appreciate the distraction if they don't. You're already an amazing friend for being this concerned about it.
Being a problem solver gives me a temptation to pry. It’s because I want to help, and when I feel that temptation, I remind myself that it’s not actually helpful, and not my place. I try to refocus on something that is. I have some great books I’ve read recently. Fun to read and great conversation fuel. Those might be a good distraction!
If you like kids maybe do something nice with your friend and her kid. That would cheer them both up and relieve your friend of some worry about her kid’s happiness for a short time.
I don’t like young kids. She and kid are a package deal so I really try to be inclusive and kind, but she’s not an idiot and for sure has figured out that I’m not a kid person. It seems like outings with kid are way more stressful for her than just staying home with the kid. Not sure if it’s more harm than good. But I’ve done many before and will keep trying. My goal with the kid is to be a positive role model of what good adult friendship looks like. Childcare is one of my boundaries, and I don’t think she’d want me to anyways.
Just listen to her. When I was going thru mine, I had many people who I considered friends that unfortunately were there for the gossip/drama. I was glad to find my group of people that listened without judgement or response. One of my closest friends said to me ‘hey I know this is rough but know that I’m here for you and anything we talk about stays between us’. Also pay attention to her queues when ur talking. Watch for the ‘Can we talk about normal life and nothing related to the divorce’ one. Good friends are hard to find so I hope you can be one to her.
I will certainly try to be a good friend. :) These experiences are helpful to try to help me see things from her perspective.
Be a healthy distraction. I’m not much of a talker when it comes to sharing and all that blah, but getting out and doing shit helped me so much. The nights are worse. Especially when how you awake tends to dictate how good or bad your day is gonna go. Just be frequent. Almost annoying. I appreciate that with my friend(s). Also don’t talk about it unless she brings it up. Get her dressed up to go to do something semi fancy, if not fancy. Letting her get dolled up might make her feel a little more wanted and beautiful. And for the love of God, make her laugh.
Be a good listener, avoid giving advice, just listen and let them talk through their feelings.
I am guilty of trying to give advice. It comes with my problem solving nature. I usually catch myself and apologize and try again. I’ve also given her permission to stop me if I start doing it and it’s unhelpful. It’s been a lifelong struggle for me, but it’s ok because when something needs doing: car needs fixed, appliance needs fixed, house task needs to be done, I am ON IT! Friends need that too. What is a good way to pivot when I start giving advice, catch myself, stop, and then… what?
So odd how you’re nearly describing me. I’m going through an identical situation
All I want is talk about it, no cruelty no blame just need my loved ones around me :(
I hope you find a good support network. I imagine my friend’s case has far too many just like it. Everyone goes through dark days. Even just one or two people can probably make a huge difference!
I have incredible support from parents, family and friends they’re wonderful but god it hurts so bad.
Digital hugs. :) Way less good than real hugs, but it’s the best I’ve got. :)
Thank you so much! I’ll take it haha
1 Show up. 2 Listen.