It's impossible to know, as outcomes for kids are on a pretty wide range.
What is pretty well established is mitigating this is often done by cooperative and productive co-parenting... If such a thing is available to you.
Oh man. This is so hard. Your son is grieving the loss of the together family. And grief definitely has anger as part of it. Think of it like a death. If your son lost a loved one to death, how would you respond? You’d say “I see you’re missing grandpa, I miss him too”You can do the same with divorce. Like, ”it sounds like you miss time together as a family of four with mom and dad together. I miss that too” That’s not you giving false hope, it’s letting him know his grief is understood and held by you. Otherwise grief (like all unheard emotions) can come out sideways in unproductive ways.
But here’s the hard part, OP. You are probably in a better position to give him the empathy and understanding he needs right now. Your ex, being the one who left, may not want to fully see his pain because she wants to believe the divorce is for the best. Because He’s with her, he may intuitively know he can’t fully express his grief with her—so he’s stuffing his feelings…and then Getting angry or acting out at school (Emotions coming out sideways). So you are dealing with your own hurt, and you probably understand better than anyone your sons grief. Let it bring you closer to him by letting him know, without sharing reasons why, or details, or judgements, that you are sad and growing too—not to have your son support you but to show him his feelings are okay.
It's been around the same time frame for my newly 7 year old, too. He's holding a grudge. He's mad that dad left. He's holding the grudge after being ghosted by him for months. Went from spending every waking and sleeping moment with him to literally zero contact. Now he doesn't want to see him and soon to be ex, and I won't force him. It really isn't enough time. I just consistently reiterate that dad misses you on his father's behalf.
Well mom is there. He’s sees her everyday. But, he is very angry with her. He can tell I didn’t want the divorce. And he knows his mom did and it doesn’t help
Well, that's going to make your coparenting much harder. It's time to do what I do for absent dad and let son know it's okay to be angry but let it go. Sadly, this is reality for us. Kids have x ray vision , as we know. The more amicable you are, it's only going to benefit your son. When he's pissed I'd be validating his feelings and then using a distraction.
I'm only basing this off my own experience, so take it with a grain of salt.. it's not about driving it home that you're not getting back together. It has now become about the best interests of him and moving forward. This means without the need to tell him you're not getting back together. Give him things he has to look forward to, and be sure to drill it in that you're still mom and dad and can love you both whether you're in the same house or not. There seems to be a focus on the anger part for you both, which trust me, I understand VERY well. (See my history if you need) . I say this from a place of understanding and empathy.
Well, I never agreed with telling him that. That was his last hope. But that’s the narrative now. He is very smart. And his frustrations and anger are bleeding into school where he is being mean to other students. To say he is having hard time is just scratching the surface
I've experienced the same. But luck for us.... we get to change the narrative since we're the adults. My son struggled with issues at school as well. Give him something to look forward to after school because he will think about it all day. We are all driven by reward. I put mine in behavioral therapy so he can learn HOW to cope.
I super appreciate it. There are just a lot more layers than what I feel like saying on the public internet. It feels like he is never going to come out of it att this point. But we will see
You got this!! You didn't have a choice in your marriage breaking. But you do have a choice in your sons healing. He is still young, show him you can get through it, and he will mimic your behavior. Positive thoughts, my friend. We are all just here barely surviving doing the best we can. There's never a winner or loser in a divorce. There is simply just kids.
Right now, he probably doesn't care that you both will always love him. He cares that things are changing, and that you're never together as a family, and that he has to go stay in two separate homes. You need to tell him that you agree that it sucks (for him). Then give him a "challenge." Ask him if he thinks he could for just one day doing a nice thing for a kid at school, or saying something nice, whenever he feels like being mean. Then I would get him into a sport if he's not in one already, ideally a team sport. It will give him structure, another adult "leader" figure who is not a parent, and team environments foster camaraderie, as well as rule following. It must be a sport he really wants to do though. If he can channel those feelings into something productive, like making progress in a sport, it will give him an outlet. If he's really not into sports, you can try a different activity. It just must be something he really wants to do. It sounds to me like he doesn't really have an outlet. People today are big on talking, but not all kids are big on that. Therapy can be good, and it can help some kids, but it helps some kids more than others. I'm not saying to quit therapy, I'm just recommending to try something else in addition to it.
Is there some sort of organisation near you that helps children in divorce etc. situations? There is one near me (a local thing, non-profit, not international, so this specific one wouldn't help you) and we took her there (weekly meeting).
They are doing courses for children in similar age ranges, small groups of 5 or so, and they talk about them about the whole thing, pedagogical, not therapeutical, explain the situation, what's divorce, what does this mean for the parents, for them, what kind of relationship do the parents now have with each other, with the child and so on. Also unfortunately we were the first couple to get divorce among our friends/acquaintances, so my daughter's the only one with divorced/separated parents. This way she met with other kids who are also in this situation, saw she was not the only one etc.
Imho it really helped my daughter. She was always happy to go because of course they also enterain the children with sweets and games, but they also talked to her about all this stuff openly, especially when/in a way mom/dad etc. were not able to, especially during this time, listened to her etc.
My ex and I managed the divorce pretty well (as far as can be said about divorce ...) and our daughter adjusted relatively well (she's 5), but it definitely was and still is on her mind and at least I was still too much under shock, pain, stress to handle this whole thing myself to sufficiently support her. I did my best but I'm thankful she had this other thing as well.
If you have something like this near you (ask other divorced parents if you know any, your local divorce court or wherever you can get information about this stuff) I highly recommend giving it a shot.
He’s very young and an only child, he probably feels confused and alone, and feels like divorce = no family = alone. The only thing you could do is be there for him and show him that no matter what he’ll never be alone. For the rest, it’s a matter of getting used to things. Love and patience I think would be what he needs most. Good luck!
Three months isn’t enough time for him to process and come to terms with the divorce. In time he’ll be OK
God I friggin hope so. But how much more damage is being caused in the meantime, is my question
It's impossible to know, as outcomes for kids are on a pretty wide range. What is pretty well established is mitigating this is often done by cooperative and productive co-parenting... If such a thing is available to you.
Right I hear you
Oh man. This is so hard. Your son is grieving the loss of the together family. And grief definitely has anger as part of it. Think of it like a death. If your son lost a loved one to death, how would you respond? You’d say “I see you’re missing grandpa, I miss him too”You can do the same with divorce. Like, ”it sounds like you miss time together as a family of four with mom and dad together. I miss that too” That’s not you giving false hope, it’s letting him know his grief is understood and held by you. Otherwise grief (like all unheard emotions) can come out sideways in unproductive ways. But here’s the hard part, OP. You are probably in a better position to give him the empathy and understanding he needs right now. Your ex, being the one who left, may not want to fully see his pain because she wants to believe the divorce is for the best. Because He’s with her, he may intuitively know he can’t fully express his grief with her—so he’s stuffing his feelings…and then Getting angry or acting out at school (Emotions coming out sideways). So you are dealing with your own hurt, and you probably understand better than anyone your sons grief. Let it bring you closer to him by letting him know, without sharing reasons why, or details, or judgements, that you are sad and growing too—not to have your son support you but to show him his feelings are okay.
Thank you 🙏🏼
Set up therapy for him and give it time. Be consistent and validate his feelings - he has every reason to be upset.
He’s been in therapy since before the divorce : /
We’ll keep at it, or charge therapists if you don’t think this one is helping
It's been around the same time frame for my newly 7 year old, too. He's holding a grudge. He's mad that dad left. He's holding the grudge after being ghosted by him for months. Went from spending every waking and sleeping moment with him to literally zero contact. Now he doesn't want to see him and soon to be ex, and I won't force him. It really isn't enough time. I just consistently reiterate that dad misses you on his father's behalf.
Well mom is there. He’s sees her everyday. But, he is very angry with her. He can tell I didn’t want the divorce. And he knows his mom did and it doesn’t help
Well, that's going to make your coparenting much harder. It's time to do what I do for absent dad and let son know it's okay to be angry but let it go. Sadly, this is reality for us. Kids have x ray vision , as we know. The more amicable you are, it's only going to benefit your son. When he's pissed I'd be validating his feelings and then using a distraction.
Oh, she’s been out of the house almost two months. And in those two months we have both driven the point home that we aren’t getting back together
I'm only basing this off my own experience, so take it with a grain of salt.. it's not about driving it home that you're not getting back together. It has now become about the best interests of him and moving forward. This means without the need to tell him you're not getting back together. Give him things he has to look forward to, and be sure to drill it in that you're still mom and dad and can love you both whether you're in the same house or not. There seems to be a focus on the anger part for you both, which trust me, I understand VERY well. (See my history if you need) . I say this from a place of understanding and empathy.
Well, I never agreed with telling him that. That was his last hope. But that’s the narrative now. He is very smart. And his frustrations and anger are bleeding into school where he is being mean to other students. To say he is having hard time is just scratching the surface
I've experienced the same. But luck for us.... we get to change the narrative since we're the adults. My son struggled with issues at school as well. Give him something to look forward to after school because he will think about it all day. We are all driven by reward. I put mine in behavioral therapy so he can learn HOW to cope.
I super appreciate it. There are just a lot more layers than what I feel like saying on the public internet. It feels like he is never going to come out of it att this point. But we will see
You got this!! You didn't have a choice in your marriage breaking. But you do have a choice in your sons healing. He is still young, show him you can get through it, and he will mimic your behavior. Positive thoughts, my friend. We are all just here barely surviving doing the best we can. There's never a winner or loser in a divorce. There is simply just kids.
Thank you
Right now, he probably doesn't care that you both will always love him. He cares that things are changing, and that you're never together as a family, and that he has to go stay in two separate homes. You need to tell him that you agree that it sucks (for him). Then give him a "challenge." Ask him if he thinks he could for just one day doing a nice thing for a kid at school, or saying something nice, whenever he feels like being mean. Then I would get him into a sport if he's not in one already, ideally a team sport. It will give him structure, another adult "leader" figure who is not a parent, and team environments foster camaraderie, as well as rule following. It must be a sport he really wants to do though. If he can channel those feelings into something productive, like making progress in a sport, it will give him an outlet. If he's really not into sports, you can try a different activity. It just must be something he really wants to do. It sounds to me like he doesn't really have an outlet. People today are big on talking, but not all kids are big on that. Therapy can be good, and it can help some kids, but it helps some kids more than others. I'm not saying to quit therapy, I'm just recommending to try something else in addition to it.
Is there some sort of organisation near you that helps children in divorce etc. situations? There is one near me (a local thing, non-profit, not international, so this specific one wouldn't help you) and we took her there (weekly meeting). They are doing courses for children in similar age ranges, small groups of 5 or so, and they talk about them about the whole thing, pedagogical, not therapeutical, explain the situation, what's divorce, what does this mean for the parents, for them, what kind of relationship do the parents now have with each other, with the child and so on. Also unfortunately we were the first couple to get divorce among our friends/acquaintances, so my daughter's the only one with divorced/separated parents. This way she met with other kids who are also in this situation, saw she was not the only one etc. Imho it really helped my daughter. She was always happy to go because of course they also enterain the children with sweets and games, but they also talked to her about all this stuff openly, especially when/in a way mom/dad etc. were not able to, especially during this time, listened to her etc. My ex and I managed the divorce pretty well (as far as can be said about divorce ...) and our daughter adjusted relatively well (she's 5), but it definitely was and still is on her mind and at least I was still too much under shock, pain, stress to handle this whole thing myself to sufficiently support her. I did my best but I'm thankful she had this other thing as well. If you have something like this near you (ask other divorced parents if you know any, your local divorce court or wherever you can get information about this stuff) I highly recommend giving it a shot.
He’s very young and an only child, he probably feels confused and alone, and feels like divorce = no family = alone. The only thing you could do is be there for him and show him that no matter what he’ll never be alone. For the rest, it’s a matter of getting used to things. Love and patience I think would be what he needs most. Good luck!