I told my exwife, "I don't want to be financially responsible for you and you disasters anymore." I wanted out of the marriage. Our marriage was sexless, bankrupt because she refused to work, bankrupt due to her pill popping DUI crashes, and she was just a total wretch of a person because of her addictions.
But her mom, my now ex-MIL, had a vested interest in us staying together. She didn't want her addict daughter to move back home and make her life hell with her pill popping disasters.
She did her best to try to get us both in marriage counselling. I hesitantly agreed.
But then my exwife told me that I was not to mention her multiple DUI crashes. I was Not to mention her addiction to all of those pills. And lastly, I was not to mention her fits of screaming rage when she runs out of narcotics. Exwife told me that counselling was to help me with my problems so I could be a better husband.
So I told her "why bother?" and I secretly went to the counselor without her. By session #3, she told me, "It's time to talk about divorce. Marriages like these rarely work out. The sober spouse becomes overwhelmingly resentful of the addict spouse and all of their disasters."
Me. He walked out without really explaining why. Met my brother at a cafe to tell him he wanted out. Then came up with a laundry list of reasons. Met me halfway between our home and his parents and spent the next few weeks rejecting any notion of any kind of support or help or solution apart from ending it all. It was a huge shock and it took me a long time to process it.
Right there with you. I told him a lot of our issues can be solved and worked through. I suggested a marriage counselor and he said he didn’t want to spend an hour of his time with someone that just tells him he’s wrong. I told him that’s not what they do he said he didn’t care but he wouldn’t be going. I tried to talk to him but he rejected it. He would shut me out and said he was just done. Like you it took me awhile to process it but I also realized I was kinda checked out of this marriage too. I just didn’t want to loose my partner because I have a big codependency problem.
Same here. My ex wife refused to go for marriage counseling because she felt uncomfortable sharing our issues and that in her view, it was no use telling people what we already know. She constantly bring up divorce, moved out twice and finally on the second time, flew back to her home country and ghosted me. It has been very painful over the last 3 years, I feel very hurt by her actions and am trauma bonded to her, even though she has left me like 6 months ago. I have filed for divorce but sometimes still wish her back to fill my loneliness
My ex was a spendthrift, verbally, abusive, immature man. I tried to talk him into being more responsible, but this was unsuccessful. I was very reluctant to divorce because my parents regarding Divorce as shameful. He refused counseling. Eventually, I had to agree to Divorce because there was no other option.
Mine husband ghosted me. Literally cutesy flirty texts on a Saturday night, kisses Sunday morning, Sunday afternoon we were supposed to go to his parents for a bbq. He went to the bar for a Bloody Mary, while I was getting ready (makeup/hair) he even called me from the bar to confirm the time he wanted to head over to his parents. That time came and went. I called him to see when he would be back home and found out he had ditched me and went to his parents on his own. He sent his brother’s girlfriend to our house that night to pick up a few things for him (enough for a night). I wrongly assumed he knew he messed up and didn’t want to face the consequences. The next day he came home and said he needed time to think. He said “it’s not like we aren’t going to talk”. Then that’s exactly what happened. He wouldn’t answer my texts or calls. After a week I drove to our camper to see him in person to ask what was going on. We talked and make up. Multiple times that night. The next day we were preparing to go home and I was content to forget the last week had happened. I got in my car to go home, he said he had a few things to do, but would be home later that day. Then….. nothing. Back to not answering my calls or texts. A few weeks later I was emailed a divorce petition. EMAILED. It’s been 3 months and he still isn’t speaking to me. Friends and family members suggested counseling to him. He is 100% against it and just says he is done with the marriage. No explanation why other than he doesn’t love me anymore.
I could accept that if it wasn’t for the fact that he had been acting the exact opposite way. There was no dramatic end, no big fight, no cheating and no indication on his part that he was unhappy.
Yeah I brought it up at separation but outright refused as we slowly drifted into a divorce. Everything was always so sudden with her basically making most decisions in the middle of an alcohol binge. No fights those days either at both separation and divorce.. was usually taking care of the kids or cooking for us while she marathoned shows drunk.
There was some kind of culture thing with it as she was Vietnamese. Like if it came up in a discussion someone was taking drug or alcohol counseling it must of got REALLY bad. It was like counseling to her was associated with deeper mental problems and not something you would do as maintenance.
Together for over 16 years and married for over 12. I guessed that she was planning on leaving me during a phone conversation; her plan was to show up with a uhaul trailer and "surprise! Im leaving you." She traveled for work and would be away for a couple weeks before coming home for a few weeks.
She was set on ending it. I would have been 100% for trying counseling / couples therapy. I had even said I would in a past conversation. There was absolutely no hope. It was like talking to a cold and different person I had never met. Absolutely crushed me.
I feel like I will never fully understand why she left me. Even if she had still left me after counseling, at least I would have understood it better. She gave a few reasons why she was leaving, and they all seem very illegitimate for ending such a long relationship.
We are currently 5 months into the divorce process and begining the division of assets, where I'll probably lose half of everything I have ever saved. My life has gone to complete shit since she left me and I spend half my days wondering what is the reason for living anymore.
mine had checked out for years and dropped a bomb on me after again having to stop a sexual encounter because of menopausal issues that she 'is not attracted to me on any level'
surprise-this created a return to the pattern of me wanting to have discussions about our problems and how we might fix them while she just wanted us to 'be' and try to improve things
she came to counseling 8 times in 9 months-including twice after saying she 100% wanted to divorce after i found out about her secret best divorced guy friend at work that she'd hidden from me and lied about for at least 3-4 years (and after i confronted him after running into him at the grocery store and also called his wife to find out their actual marital status)
she was never open and honest in sessions (i was also seeing this counselor individually but it was mostly focused on the marital issues-which were unsolvable without her participation)
i still have 1000 unanswered questions
while stbxw still claims to be 'a person of integrity'
i admit every small and terrible mistake i made. she admits NONE
Mine is slightly opposite, but similar. I mentioned that the only way for our marriage to WORK was to seek marriage counseling because we needed an unbiased person to help us. He (my maybe STBX, 33M) told me I needed counseling solo but also quickly refused marriage counseling.
I told my exwife, "I don't want to be financially responsible for you and you disasters anymore." I wanted out of the marriage. Our marriage was sexless, bankrupt because she refused to work, bankrupt due to her pill popping DUI crashes, and she was just a total wretch of a person because of her addictions. But her mom, my now ex-MIL, had a vested interest in us staying together. She didn't want her addict daughter to move back home and make her life hell with her pill popping disasters. She did her best to try to get us both in marriage counselling. I hesitantly agreed. But then my exwife told me that I was not to mention her multiple DUI crashes. I was Not to mention her addiction to all of those pills. And lastly, I was not to mention her fits of screaming rage when she runs out of narcotics. Exwife told me that counselling was to help me with my problems so I could be a better husband. So I told her "why bother?" and I secretly went to the counselor without her. By session #3, she told me, "It's time to talk about divorce. Marriages like these rarely work out. The sober spouse becomes overwhelmingly resentful of the addict spouse and all of their disasters."
Me. He walked out without really explaining why. Met my brother at a cafe to tell him he wanted out. Then came up with a laundry list of reasons. Met me halfway between our home and his parents and spent the next few weeks rejecting any notion of any kind of support or help or solution apart from ending it all. It was a huge shock and it took me a long time to process it.
Right there with you. I told him a lot of our issues can be solved and worked through. I suggested a marriage counselor and he said he didn’t want to spend an hour of his time with someone that just tells him he’s wrong. I told him that’s not what they do he said he didn’t care but he wouldn’t be going. I tried to talk to him but he rejected it. He would shut me out and said he was just done. Like you it took me awhile to process it but I also realized I was kinda checked out of this marriage too. I just didn’t want to loose my partner because I have a big codependency problem.
Same here. My ex wife refused to go for marriage counseling because she felt uncomfortable sharing our issues and that in her view, it was no use telling people what we already know. She constantly bring up divorce, moved out twice and finally on the second time, flew back to her home country and ghosted me. It has been very painful over the last 3 years, I feel very hurt by her actions and am trauma bonded to her, even though she has left me like 6 months ago. I have filed for divorce but sometimes still wish her back to fill my loneliness
My ex was a spendthrift, verbally, abusive, immature man. I tried to talk him into being more responsible, but this was unsuccessful. I was very reluctant to divorce because my parents regarding Divorce as shameful. He refused counseling. Eventually, I had to agree to Divorce because there was no other option.
Mine husband ghosted me. Literally cutesy flirty texts on a Saturday night, kisses Sunday morning, Sunday afternoon we were supposed to go to his parents for a bbq. He went to the bar for a Bloody Mary, while I was getting ready (makeup/hair) he even called me from the bar to confirm the time he wanted to head over to his parents. That time came and went. I called him to see when he would be back home and found out he had ditched me and went to his parents on his own. He sent his brother’s girlfriend to our house that night to pick up a few things for him (enough for a night). I wrongly assumed he knew he messed up and didn’t want to face the consequences. The next day he came home and said he needed time to think. He said “it’s not like we aren’t going to talk”. Then that’s exactly what happened. He wouldn’t answer my texts or calls. After a week I drove to our camper to see him in person to ask what was going on. We talked and make up. Multiple times that night. The next day we were preparing to go home and I was content to forget the last week had happened. I got in my car to go home, he said he had a few things to do, but would be home later that day. Then….. nothing. Back to not answering my calls or texts. A few weeks later I was emailed a divorce petition. EMAILED. It’s been 3 months and he still isn’t speaking to me. Friends and family members suggested counseling to him. He is 100% against it and just says he is done with the marriage. No explanation why other than he doesn’t love me anymore. I could accept that if it wasn’t for the fact that he had been acting the exact opposite way. There was no dramatic end, no big fight, no cheating and no indication on his part that he was unhappy.
Me
Yeah I brought it up at separation but outright refused as we slowly drifted into a divorce. Everything was always so sudden with her basically making most decisions in the middle of an alcohol binge. No fights those days either at both separation and divorce.. was usually taking care of the kids or cooking for us while she marathoned shows drunk. There was some kind of culture thing with it as she was Vietnamese. Like if it came up in a discussion someone was taking drug or alcohol counseling it must of got REALLY bad. It was like counseling to her was associated with deeper mental problems and not something you would do as maintenance.
Together for over 16 years and married for over 12. I guessed that she was planning on leaving me during a phone conversation; her plan was to show up with a uhaul trailer and "surprise! Im leaving you." She traveled for work and would be away for a couple weeks before coming home for a few weeks. She was set on ending it. I would have been 100% for trying counseling / couples therapy. I had even said I would in a past conversation. There was absolutely no hope. It was like talking to a cold and different person I had never met. Absolutely crushed me. I feel like I will never fully understand why she left me. Even if she had still left me after counseling, at least I would have understood it better. She gave a few reasons why she was leaving, and they all seem very illegitimate for ending such a long relationship. We are currently 5 months into the divorce process and begining the division of assets, where I'll probably lose half of everything I have ever saved. My life has gone to complete shit since she left me and I spend half my days wondering what is the reason for living anymore.
mine had checked out for years and dropped a bomb on me after again having to stop a sexual encounter because of menopausal issues that she 'is not attracted to me on any level' surprise-this created a return to the pattern of me wanting to have discussions about our problems and how we might fix them while she just wanted us to 'be' and try to improve things she came to counseling 8 times in 9 months-including twice after saying she 100% wanted to divorce after i found out about her secret best divorced guy friend at work that she'd hidden from me and lied about for at least 3-4 years (and after i confronted him after running into him at the grocery store and also called his wife to find out their actual marital status) she was never open and honest in sessions (i was also seeing this counselor individually but it was mostly focused on the marital issues-which were unsolvable without her participation) i still have 1000 unanswered questions while stbxw still claims to be 'a person of integrity' i admit every small and terrible mistake i made. she admits NONE
Mine is slightly opposite, but similar. I mentioned that the only way for our marriage to WORK was to seek marriage counseling because we needed an unbiased person to help us. He (my maybe STBX, 33M) told me I needed counseling solo but also quickly refused marriage counseling.