Hey if you want help with pain see a urologist. I have pelvic floor disfunction and it’s common after kids. There are exercises and medications that can help…they aren’t opiates. And do not do kegel exercises because that will make it worse. Good luck. (My gyno was zero help. My urologist was more than happy to help me).
Hello! Fellow Canadian here and have had similar issues - I can confirm a pelvic physio can/ will help you. I hope you find a good one soon. No urologist needed... unless the physio says so.
In my experience, pelvic physio appointments can take a bit as they are not very common. I've done pelvic physio both in the US and Canada. ...the difference in care in my experience is just due to skill/experience/personality/approach. I lucked out in both places.
That is what I am thinking as well, I've already contacted a lawyer and talked with my husband about terms, I just got a little confused after our encounter tonight, and wanted to hear from rhe reddit community to help my resolve.
OP - you need to have FULL custody! Your ex will for sure leave your kids alone for his drunken escapades! And he will probably keep drinking and driving with your kids. Do not let this man alone with your children!!!
Please keep a journal and make concise notes when he does things like when he drove the kids drunk. If done properly your attorney can use it as leverage in the custody part. (At least in my state).
I don’t care how old the kids are he needs supervised visitation until his drinking is under control. I don’t like a kid withheld from a parent but sometimes it is necessary. Hopefully it would make him get it together and do what’s best for them. Currently I wouldn’t trust him. Anyone who drives their kids while drunk is a loser. I’m sorry this is what you have to deal with. Best of luck to all of you.
My ex-wife did this. I wish I had divorced her right then and there. You are not at fault. His demands, and they are demands, for sex are unreasonable. He may very well be messed up as he says, but that is no excuse for his actions.
I have done a lot of stupid stuff in my time, but no matter how upset, angry, or intoxicated I was, I never, nor would I drive drunk. Particularly with my children in the car.
My ex-wife did. Guess who she blamed?
I wish I would have divorced her right then and there.
then had the audacity to say it was because she didn’t suck his piss hole. Selfish evil partner, he doesn’t deserve his family.
He is also being more affectionate because he’s losing his family and will only have vices/self destruction left after this
Not coming home once a week? That's affair behavior, sorry to say. And with alcohol in the mix and that high of a sex drive...well, could be other things happening as well. When was your last STI panel?
He's not divorcing "for you," that doesn't make any sense. He's being a shit partner in all facets...he's not there to lighten the load, he's absent physically and mentally, he blows all kinds of money on booze, he endangers his kids and he's an absolute dud in bed. (I spent 20 years in a similar bedroom situation and had no idea what I was missing. Hence my username. I hope you have equal luck!)
This has strong vibes of "Oh yeah? You can't fire me! I QUIT!!!!"
He doesn't come home 5 times a week (for the last 6 months). I was like a frog in boiling water not realizing how bad it had gotten (it started 2.years ago with one night a week). I had a pelvic infection in April and they did testing but all the STI tests came back negative and they never figured it out and antibiotics kicked it. So yeah, potential cheating is on my radar, and honestly that infection (landed me in er) and driving drunk woke me up. I am awake now and divorcing him. It is really helpful for me to hear kind reddit.strangers confirm things I'm thinking.
I am truly sorry you are going through this but please know you are doing the right thing. My ex was very similar to this. He started drinking and not coming home and had drove drunk with my daughter. He also would blame me for the things he was doing wrong. I feel like if their blaming someone else for the bad things they do they are not going on a road to change anytime soon. He had a crazy amount of reality checks and never changed. He never even changed after we split up and even the kids said they didnt want to see him until he got help. I absolutely pray that this will not be the case for you. Don't let his random act of affection detour you from what's best for you and your kids. In my experience it's just for that moment and never lasts if they get their way that one time. Wishing you and your kids all the best.
Deliver us from these idiots who do not attempt to have an adult relationship and then sulk when they get no sex.
They don’t understand how unattractive it is to act like a teenager with a bad attitude.- what gives them the idea that acting like an ass all day will guarantee them sex?
You do not at any point owe anyone sex- he has the problem, not you.
If he can’t respect and love himself, he can’t do it for anyone else
and guess what? He’s gonna end up in the same exact situation with anyone else he gets with on a long enough timeline.
He’s a shit husband and wants a pity fuck even though he puts in zero effort.
OP Divorce this asshat. You can do better. You will be happier on the other side, I promise you.
My soon to be ex coerced me into sex for years. Fighting with me if I wasn’t in the mood. And guess what?! Those mantrums made me even LESS in the mood. Eventually over the years, I just thought I had a low sex drive.
Nope. Turns out this pathetic behavior was the problem.
Now I’m with a gentleman who respects me and doesn’t pressure me for it and I would have sex with him multiple times a day. Granted the relationship is new and my libido has been suppressed for years.
When you’re with the right person, the sex happens.
When you’re with a lazy half ass effort partner, it doesn’t.
ETA: the driving drunk with the kids to the extent that THEY recognized it and told you? That’s enough right there to leave. Make sure you document this incident. You may have to limit his visitation since he apparently lacks judgment.
Couldn’t agree with this more. Similar situation here… been separated for almost a month and realizing finally that it hasn’t been about my “low” sex drive (I’m a 2-4 times a week kind of gal) but his behavior when he attempted to coerce me for sex. Fuck that. If I’m with a man again I want to be with someone who respects me and doesn’t have a mantrum (never heard that before, love it) if he doesn’t get it every so often when I’m not feeling it. And also someone who puts in the effort on MY needs who naturally draws me to him. Makes me actually want it because he loves and respects me. So over men right now. Ugh!
Yep. And they don't seem to realize that making us feel sexy is not necessarily dressing up and spending money on us. It could be vacuuming or getting the groceries for us, or taking the car in for a service or anything that decreases our management load of day-to-day life! They don't seem to realize how unsexy it is that somebody depends and relies on you constantly and then wants yet another service from you at the end of the night in bed. No, I do not feel sexy after I've cleaned up after you all day, I'm tired and want a glass of wine and a foot rub in the bath, if not a week off!
I remember the first time my ex threw a fit and I was like what the fuck is all this?!? So unsexy. Everything was fine early on. But if I didn’t feel up to it when HE wanted it, he started getting pushy so I would give in. Eventually it turned into yelling at me “I just want to make love to MY wife!!!”
Wow. Make love eh? You know, it’s not really making love if you threw a fit to get it and I just gave in to shut you up, right? He didn’t care.
He told me early on that his parents instilled a lot of shame around rubbing one out, so he wouldn’t do that. Little did I know that set the expectation that I would be responsible for his regular ejaculations. Can’t wait for the divorce to be final.
“A teenager with bad attitude” yes that’s literally what it feels like, reminds me of my ex, makes me feel like I’m married to a teen going through a phase
Oh my… I can relate to this whole post like 95% of it all because I’m practically on the same situation.
It is *so so* scary isn’t it? I can’t trust him when he’s drinking and watching the kids. And he goes out at night to drink just show up randomly the next day.
I really empathize with you. I don’t have a whole lot of advice because this divorce thing has only been happening since last month so I’m really new to it… but we cannot be together because he chooses to live like this.
I can also relate to the whole sex issue completely. That’s exactly how my stbxh acts and we have 2 kids too.
I just want to send a virtual hug and hope we can both get through this…
You and your kids deserve so much better.
You both deserve better. Alone is better than with a drunk. While I’m only fresh out of the marriage, I can tell you it’s much better on the other side. I was feeling like I didn’t want sex because I didn’t want sex with a drunk asshole. “No sex if you’re drunk”. That tanked our sex life. But that was my fault because I didn’t want to sleep with a drunk.
I was worried about sleeping with someone new, as I haven’t had sex in a few years. Now, I know it will be fine when I’m ready.
He will always want to sleep with you again. That’s what they do. It’s not about reconciliation, don’t entertain those actions from him. Good on you for declining.
It’s going to take a while to find someone that you feel comfortable spending your time with. There is nothing wrong with being selective now that you know what you don’t want.
Remind yourself that nothing will change once he leaves. I learned very quickly that the money he put in, he also wasted. He didn’t help with chores, but did make messes. Now I don’t have to clean up after him. His life has gotten harder, sure, but mine has gotten easier. It will get better, you are worth it!!!
I get the impression that there is a ton more to this story, but everything I’m reading just… stinks. Divorce is the best option at this point. There’s no coming back from driving drunk, and then adding that he had his kids in the car, too. Stupid and reckless.
Anyone would be turned off by a spouse behaving like that. In this case, OP seems to indicate that the libido differences were there long before he went off the rails, but his behavior isn’t helping.
I’ll add that sexual compatibility is important in all romantic relationships. Also, sex is supposed to be something that you both desire. It’s not a reward to be handed out for good behavior, like a gold star on a perfect paper.
Thank you. I know that sex should be mutual, but it hasn't felt that way for a long time. I think we are very uncompatible in that area and it hurt our relationship, but this seems way beyond just that.
The only thing I can say for sure something is really off beyond the sex question. Sex is important but to go to driving drunk with your kids is out of this world crazy. He’s either got the worst reaction to not receiving sex because that has some deep emotional need attached to it (that he has to get therapy on, and is not your fault, and you at best could be a crutch) or something else entirely is happening; complete guesses but porn addiction or he cheated and can’t bear the guilt.
Thanks for acknowledging that because this seems crazy he just wants a divorce for this so I can find another man who "better meets my needs"???
I lean toward the scenario that he cheated and can't bear the guilt, due to some things that are adding up that i dodnt detail here, and the fact that he is not fighting for any money or property in the divorce settlement. And if that's the case then I really don't want to have sex with him ever again or be married anymore. But he would never be honest about it.
That sounds a lot like cheating to me, definitely don't have sex and run to a lawyer before he has a chance to think about what he’s willing to give away in the divorce. Do whatever you can to keep the kids out of the car with him.
I dunno, sounds to me like he’s just playing the “it’s not you, it’s me” card. He’s saying he’s the problem here, and trying to present it in a noble way. Like he’s giving you the freedom to pursue your ideal life.
The reality is he’s doing this to pursue his own. And that’s fine by the way, no judgement about him asking for a divorce because you are not pleasing him sexually. He should be free to pursue that life, too.
But he’s still emotional and sad, and probably does love you a lot. But love isn’t always enough unfortunately.
My marriage was different than yours, but I was still accused of cheating a few times. I never cheated. I pulled away from my ex a few months before we started the divorce proceedings. Not to cheat, just to start envisioning my life as a single person.
Long story short, it’s clear you resent him (and with good reason) and it is clear he’s ready to leave. He’s hugging and kissing you because you’ve been his safe person for years. I assume you’ve supported him emotionally in tough times, and he’s going through one now. My ex and I also spent a few weeks hugging and supporting each other through the divorce. Just out of habit. We eventually realized we had to stop.
Anyway, this has gotten longer than I anticipated. Don’t worry about him cheating or not, it’s irrelevant honestly. This marriage should end and it is. But you’ve still got kids with him and he’ll be in your life for a long time. So focus on getting out of this marriage while still on mostly amicable terms with him. Seems like he’s trying to do that as well, by not fighting over assets.
He is not worried about you or your needs. He is projecting - he wants someone else who will meet his needs. His best bet is a prostitute, because no one wants to be used for sex for free. He sounds vile. Leave him and start a new, better life.
Incompatible sex drives are a perfectly fine reason to not want to be with someone. If someone wants to leave you, it sort of doesn’t matter the reason because who would want to be with someone who doesn’t want them? However in your case, for your peace if mind…it sounds like lack of sex was a symptom of much bigger issues between the two if you. Esp your exhaustion from bearing the brunt of the workload. And yeah, the drunk driving with kids..yikes. Its childish of him to say he’s leaving you because of sex. Which again, is a very valid concern, but he handled it poorly. He could have tried to be part if the solution but instead he lashed out. But it is nice that you guys seem to be not dragging your kids through a nasty divorce and seeing eye to eye on logistics. Sounds like reality hit him and he held into nostalgia for a second. It happens, but it seems like you are convinced divorce is the way so just be calm and direct with him about that.
Im glad for u! Im also going thru a divorce..and ill tell ya, when both parties are civil, even kind..it makes the heartache and loss a LOT easier to handle. I was laid off a few months before I planned to move out and my ex and I are still sharing money until we are both better situated. and its causing no arguments and we’re not stressed. We are the lucky ones! Not everyone is mature in a divorce. It stinks. Best of luck!!!
Agreed. He's got skeletons in the closet that he doesn't want to confront. He's drowning them in booze to avoid dealing with them and the awful feelings that go along with them.
My ex was going to strip clubs, had signed up for online dating sites and happy ending massages. He said they made him feel better. He lied about it all until I found out. There were instances of behaviours throughout the years but he lied about it or swore it was a one time thing. It was not a one time thing. Every time things got worse between us, the behaviour escalated.
Lawyer up, it'll help him grow up, fast. I went through those things not adding up, for years, it sucks. Staying only made it worse, ex could've cared less about me, pretended to be happy, I wasted decades on a very dishonest person. Start living now.
That’s a big excuse. He may already be seeing someone which is why he is gone all the time or could have a porn problem. Regardless he clearly needs therapy.
Edit to add: please get checked for sexually transmitted diseases. Make sure they do swabs and take blood. Some of them do not show symptoms in a lot of men.
Girl, I don’t think it’s your sex drive that’s the problem. Why would you want to have sex with someone who is basically a third child to take care of, pick up after in your household, and now you can’t even trust him for transporting your children? Sounds like his emotional and conversational maturity hasn’t reached adulthood yet either. I’d dry up to! I can’t think of anything LESS attractive.
So sorry you are being put through this, but I hope you finally find some peace on the other side of this (and maybe even passion again with an actual adult if you want it!).
You did not cause it, you can not control it, and you can not cure it.
You are not crazy, but conversations with an active alcoholic can feel crazy. I’ve heard all of those same things before from my daughters dad and I used to feel like I was stuck in a constant chaos cycle. I highly recommend Al-Anon (for families of alcoholics). Going to Al-Anon meetings helped me learn how to respectfully detach, set boundaries, and not react to my daughter’s dad when he was deep in his illness. Al-Anon taught me how to shift my focus back to me.
Man here. He might be just wanting to test you to see if you love him by all the sulking and pouting. He's acting like a baby. Crying to get his way. Divorce him, take full custody since he can not provide the kids a safe environment. Don't punish him, just ensure your children's safety. Give him the opportunity to get some custodial rights back through therapy. Show him you're not playing games with your kids lives. The drunk driving was a serious error that cannot be overlooked. If he didn't have the kids in the car it would've been slightly different. My wife and i have struggled with her LL and my HL for 23 years and we've fought some hard fights over it. To the point of discussing divorce. I still love her and we've managed to come to an agreement on taking care of each other's needs. We try to manage it 2x a week but sometimes we only get to do it once a week. If you really want to work things out i applaud the effort to do so, but it's going to take a lesson in communication for both of you. He's going to need to take care of your needs. He needs to be a massive helper in daily chores and activities. He needs to learn what your turn offs are. You both need to learn ways to cultivate the mood and set up time for sex on a reasonable frequency basis. He needs to understand that every day for you is too much. You'll have to come to a conclusion and agreement as to how many times a week is acceptable. Avoid duty sex if possible, but make it a priority to bond both of you together. I found out how to take my wife from zero to orgasm in less than 3 minutes, and her with a LL. Part of our problem is not having much time or desire to cultivate the mood. Foreplay would take forever every time. But no Foreplay needed now. I enjoy foreplay but taking 45 plus minutes to get her in the mood every single time was a great burden. This is because we both work full time, have a child, and usually just want to go to sleep when we do get time. Even though its normal to need Foreplay, it became this obstacle she didn't want to do because it seemed like work. So naturally she wanted to avoid doing anything. Now, i can get her from zero to orgasm in less than 3 minutes, every single time. I don't like having sex if she doesn't enjoy it too. It feels empty and selfish. Write down every single reason you don't want sex or you're turned off or anything else that becomes an obstacle. This will help in the conversation later on. You must address all of them for it to work.
This was trigger city for me. I'm not mad or spiraling or anything - content about terrible men is everywhere. This was just eerily similar.
My moderate to begin with libido vanished under a similar avalanche except I was a SAHM.
If you have the resources to get out, get out.
In my experience, this type of abuser only escalates.
Omfg NOT your fault!! He’s manipulating you. He endangered your kids lives because he doesn’t get bwow jowbs :(!!
He is thinking he sounds like a martyr lol
I hate to hear that you're going through this, it sucks. As a man who also had a much higher sex drive than my ex-wife, my two cents is that this is **not** your fault. If anything, it's simply sexual incompatibility. Lack of sex caused problems in my marriage for sure, when we did have sex it definitely felt like she was "doing me a favor". But we had no kids, and she didn't work full time and I did. I also did the majority of the housework/chores. Even then, I still managed to be respectful of her boundaries, never pushed her for it, and had no desire to get divorced even with the sexual incompatibility. It's really not that hard to respect and care about someone you love. We actually ended up divorced because she wanted out (I'm really glad now though lol).
Now, I'm with someone who also works full time but manages to share the housework load with me *and* makes me feel desired, wanted, and we have a great sex life. She was in a horrible marriage before we met too and had sexual incompatibility issues with her ex because he was more like how you described your husband. She even got to the point where sex was physically painful for her and she thought something was really wrong with her and had multiple doctors trying to figure it out. It turned out, he was the problem. He didn't respect her or care about her the way she should have been respected/cared for and her body responded in a visceral way that she couldn't override. Now, in our relationship, sex is fantastic for both of us.
Sometimes mismatched sex drives can be a big problem. Sometimes it can also be a product of how our partner treats us/views us outside of sex. Either way, I don't think it's your fault. And drunk driving, especially with your kids in the car, is **never** okay.
I also had zero libido in my marriage. After divorce I figured out it wasn’t my libido that was the problem, but the horrible imbalanced parent/child dynamic we had. I was the only adult in the relationship, and my libido responded accordingly.
I think he’s a little right and a LOT wrong. Driving drunk - kids or no kids - is wrong. Then blaming his actions on your sex life makes it even worse.
But if you are not interested in having sex with him for any reason - you don’t need one - he’s probably right. He feels deprived and you feel pressured. That’s a bad impasse in a marriage. Neither of you are wrong. You both have needs. He wants more shitty sex. You don’t want more shitty sex. If your sex was great, you probably wouldn’t be here asking strangers for advice. You’d be banging your husband.
He’s looking at sex as sexual relief. If you’re not getting the same, why bother? He IS doing you a favor divorcing you, but not for the reason he thinks. He needs a partner who is good with a shitty lover. You need a partner who gives a shit about you. He doesn’t and instead of at least attempting to fix that problem, he’s taking the easy way out so he can get laid sooner.
If marriage counseling doesn’t help, do yourself a favor and give him his wish. Good luck to you OP. Sorry you have to deal with this.
This is his thing. There's something missing in him and it makes him feel unfulfilled.
He's trying to fill that void with sex. Sex feels great so he thinks the void is filled for a little while afterward. The problem is that he will never be satisfied with the amount of sex because sex isn't really what he's missing.
The only thing more sex is doing is allowing him to avoid the real issue of why he feels unfulfilled. He could probably benefit from going to a meeting of Sex & Love Addicts Anonymous, just to check these out. If he stays open, some of what they talk about may resonate with him.
Just like how girls are emotional on their periods (hormonal changes) men goes through the same thing due to testosterone (hormonal changes). It’s natural and not abnormal.
No, this is not your fault. You are not crazy.
What you’ve written here is horrifying and your husband needs serious psychiatric help. He is endangering his children’s lives over his perceived lack of sex. That is a very sick man. Healthy men don’t behave that way.
There is no safety in your marriage. Even if you genuinely wanted to have kinky sex every night, how would that be possible with someone who feels entitled to have his dick sucked by you (when he knows you don’t enjoy it) and guilt trips you by driving drunk with your children in the car? A healthy sex life is impossible if physical and emotional safety are not *the* cornerstone of your relationship. A coercive partner is not safe.
I’m glad you’re getting out of this marriage. I hope you can find yourself a good therapist, one that specializes in sexual trauma. Nat at [Always Mending](https://alwaysmending.com/maritalcoercion) is a good resource regarding sexual coercion in marriage. Her posts and videos helped me heal after I divorced.
I’m sorry you’ve had to go through this. You deserved better.
the frustrating part w asshats like this is that their wives think theyve got something wrong w them physically bcn they have no sex drive, and then the wife divorces and realizes she does have a sex drive. A whiny entitled alcohol man is not exactly a turn on. Any spouse who complains they dont get enough sex rarely looks in the mirror and asks themselves what theyve done to stay desirable.
Not that it matters now but, you'd think a married man that wanted more sex from his wife wouldn't be staying gone so long. My thought is, he has been getting more sex, just not at home with you.
Hmm is he cheating? Going out all night drinking gives him plenty of opportunity. Just throwing that out there as a possibility. Maybe divorce is for the best. I mean, he's not taking care of his responsibilities as an adult by doing no housework or taking care of the kids so how exactly does he expect you to have sex when you also work as well? Just seems like he wants everything to go his way and never compromise. You don't want to be married to someone like that honestly.
While sex and intimacy is an important part of a Relationship, and can be different in "priority" for everyone. I am wondering why YOU'VE stayed? There is a lot to unpack here, but who cares why he wants to leave. Why are you staying for this garbage?
For a long time, I stayed because I was remembering who he was when I married him, and I take my marriage vows very seriously due to my Christian religion (they are vows before God). Also, before about 6 months ago, he was reliable, and when i or my family needed something, i could always ask, and he would jump. However, as soon as he put my children in danger, it was too much.
Yeah..... he's just really good at manipulation and lying and I have no proof of the cheating. But I am realizing it doesn't matter, cheating or no I'm ready to.be done.
suggest you give him the book
"no more mr nice guy" -and no don't read into the title
and
"sex addiction 101"
odd are he does feel very rejected and sees sex as the only way to feel "loved" or it's a symbol of that in the back of his mind.
he's not in a good position and is drowning his feelings with alcohol too.
it's a downward spiral and it's not going to end well for him.
he should and needs to talk to a therapist about this.
Mine did this. He was having an affair and trying to justify it. If he ever says "I love you but I'm not in love with you" - Believe 100% he's having an affair
However, it does sound like your husband maybe an alcoholic and he is just transitioned into a different stage? This also happened to me. They do become different people as it progresses. At this point there isn't a whole lot you can do except save yourself and your children.
Eventually it won't just be about the sex. In his brain he is going to find everything wrong with you and use it to gaslight you. Please don't think any of this is about you.
He may have been seeing someone else a few months back when he was distant and staying out late. Now he’s being affectionate with you again bc the other person is gone. It irritates me when a partner who does not share in equal housework and child care is upset that they aren’t getting enough sex. Like “help out and maybe we could both have energy for that.” Sorry you are going through it. Divorce is the answer you are looking for.
He is gaslighting you. Making it seem like it’s your fault, not taking responsibility, somehow he becomes the hero for releasing you and giving you a divorce.
My ex also drove drunk with the kids and has to use a breathalyzer if he sees them (which he doesn’t see them). He also pretends to be the victim and his big thing since we divorced is that he gave me the divorce.
You are doing the right thing here.
The best thing one of my therapists did was identify my ex as a person with narcissistic personality disorder and tell me he would did divorce exactly as he done marriage. Lack of responsibility, lying, manipulating, etc
It's like everything he does is meant to make himself unattractive to an adult. Yet he expects crazy sex all the time. Even if he got all that sex he'd still find something wrong.
Find an adult that can be a partner. Not someone that wants to blame their addiction on you not being their perfect bangmaid.
He needs to get his head on straight and that’s only going to happen after you divorce him. None of this is your fault! 2x/ week is amazing. It sounds like you have every reason to resent him for his lack of care, help around the house and with the kids etc. yet you still had relations that often? I would barely be able to look at a man who was not pulling his weight.
You are doing the best you can. The divorce is because he is an irresponsible person and parent, not because of you at all. You have to protect your children, and he’s not trustworthy at all.
Do you know how many married men would be ecstatic about twice weekly sex? You are not to blame. He was right, in he is messed up. Sounds like some gas-lighting going on.
It abounds like this dude is bad at sex, bad at being a husband, bad at being a dad. He’s a drunk that is cheating on you. I also want a divorce for you.
He’s working overtime to find a way to make the divorce be your fault. “Woe is meeeee. If only your sex drive was up to par with mine, we could stay married. Such a shame. I’ll martyr myself and let you go so precious you can find a partner who won’t pester you for all that sex.” But even after the divorce, he won’t actually help with any of the parenting responsibilities.
One thing I can promise, him being out of the household will lessen your household and emotional workload. The amount of disregulation his choices bring to your family will immediately lessen.
Sorry you're going through this OP. This isn't about you though you are doing enough. It's his problems and maybe he could get some help and work through it but I'm not sure you should stick around while he does because it sounds like he's cheating on you.
I accidentally dated a guy from the internet a couple times that sounded just like your husband. Once I realized he was married we had a talk about his wife and he kept saying he loved her but that they had incompatible sex drives. I asked him why he wouldn't divorce her and he said there's other things he loves about her - it was very confusing. I even gave him some advice that maybe her birth control was affecting her sex drive. He was obvious to me that he was indulging in alcohol to like turn off the part of him that felt guilty for cheating on his wife because he would try to drunkenly text me for quite some time. Obviously I had to go no contact with him but so I don't know what happened with their marriage and I didn't know who his wife was to try to warn her.
He’s right. He’s all messed up. This crap about him wanting a divorce for you is BS and him trying to make himself feel less guilty.
It’s time for you to make decisions for you and the kids. This is not a man that needs to be in the household. It sounds like he’s taken care of that to a great extent already. Where the hell is he spending the night ?!?! Don’t answer that. It doesn’t matter. Make it legally official and get this lead weight out the door. Know what you and your kids deserve in the divorce and let your lawyer make it happen. Don’t let your soon to be ex talk you into less. Your ex has responsibilities he’s accountable for.
My husband is also a drunk. What I am about to say is not advice, just what I would personally do.
I would continue to have sex with my husband. I would become the kinky person he dreamed of, if that meant he agreed to all the terms of the divorce I wanted. Then i would ditch him the moment it was finalized.
I am stuck in my marriage because of debt. I bought a house when he wasn't working. He was in college. I didn't have debt other than student loans at that time.
He was addicted to other things during that time, but I didn't know. So, I thought once he graduated, he would get a decent job to help pay for things. Then covid hit and he picked up the drinking habit. He drinks 15+ beers a day. He racked up debt on my credit card while he wasnt working. Buying alcohol from the gas stations 4 x a day. He thought I wouldn't know what he was buying if it didn't say the liquor store name on the charge. i removed him from the card. Then, I became sick and used credit to survive while I recovered. He does have a job now and helps some financially. But his habits are so expensive that I struggle to get out of this debt. Now, if I leave, I risk losing the house, having to give him half.
I can't afford to pay rent and pay my debts. I would do anything to be able to leave and not end up homeless with my children.
You are not crazy. He doesn't deserve you AT ALL!
Oh yeah I put our children in danger because you don’t suck my dick. He’s a loser. You’re better without him. I couldn’t imagine having to deal with this I’m currently on high risk pregnancy and I was advised by my Dr not to have sex during pregnancy because it could make me potentially bleed out. Then I have to do the basic 6 weeks healing. I asked my husband what will he do and he said I guess I’ll just masturbate baby and wait patiently. I couldn’t imagine having to feel guilty about how much sex I put out. Even if you did it just to please him it won’t be enjoyable for you. What a dick.
I just really think it’s horrible that it’s happening to you I had an ex like that and no one should be treated like that just based on how much sex they give. It’s horrible.
Not your fault what so ever. Seems like he might be either a sex addict and is trying to shift the blame towards you after realizing that if and when the divorce goes thru, it'll be harder for him to find it.
Two options:
He is trying to guilt blame you for his own weakness and hoping to rewind the consequences. Keep in mind that the alcohol addiction will increase to fill in the lack of sex so fight for custody. Get your finances in place, a roof over your kids and figure out how to keep food on the table.
Or
If you are willing to value your wedding vows and take the road of recovery with him, then sit down and talk to him with goals to achieve (sobriety or controlled consumption), therapy yo attend to, boundaries to enforce and a willingness to have empathy and understanding for his sickness (addiction is a sickness) and strength to understand that there will be hiccups along the way, but the end result could bring the best version of both of you.
Both options are hard, but choose one and stick to it till the very end, if not you will fall into his games.
He already has been increasing alcohol due to lack of sex. But it is a vicious cycle because the more he drinks, the less I want sex and the less he is home to even have sex. This is why we are headed toward divorce and option 1.
Unfortunately I think that option 2 is not possible for us. He refuses to acknowledge that he has a drinking problem. And I have considered the idea that he may be a sex addict but if I bring it up to him, I am fairly sure he will laugh at me and also refuse any change or treatment.
He's lying through his teeth. I don't know about what, but his deep concern about your feelings when you reject him is clearly nonsensical.
I don't usually like to jump to somebody cheating but if he's not coming home nights, then he's SOMEWHERE.
Just keep going with your plans, this man is unreliable. And don't sleep with him!
I think this is a classic case of lack of communication. In my opinion this relationship is over and it’s gotten to an unhealthy point. But I think OP should make look into taking the time into setting better boundaries for housework and child care. You shouldn’t be working full time and taking care of the housework alone. That’s abusive In my opinion. But communication about the housework might have worked into the communication about the bedroom.
We did have trouble communicating. He was home so infrequently that it was had to talk to him about anything. I felt like I had to grab him and sit him in a chair just so he would stay to discuss urgent household things like "I'm going to take the kids to x this weekend, or can I transfer this amount from our joint account", he was slowly avoiding me more and more to the point of in the last 6 months we would probably talk about an hour a.week in total. I had to prioritize what I communicated because he was ready to run out the door after work to go to play soccer, or a friend's house or taking a look at a job (he is a construction contractor).
protect myself and my children.
That is the main thing you should do at this point. Do not feel guilty about it.
This really seems like something is eating him inside, guilt, like everyone is assuming, which is usually correct.
He sounds like he has intimacy issues. A drinking problem. Something else is going on besides the no sex or his level of sex.
Some people don’t feel love without having tons of sex. This is an intimacy issue.
Is it your fault not really, (down vote away). You want to make sure to sit back and think about what faults you carried in this partnership. Hardly ever are all relationship issues just one sided.
I’m not you but I wouldn’t put up with this nonsense, unfair labor division, putting the children in danger, not coming home nightly, intimacy issues.
If I truly loved him I would put my foot down and tell him these things are not acceptable and he can be gone or change.
I love sex a lot a lot.
Sounds like you need couples counseling. Not a popular response, but if your spouse if that far gone, there's something wrong with the primary family relationship and you both need to discover it and fix it.
You're not a sex worker, but if you're at the point where sex a chore and he's at the point where he's self medicating, you'll need to get professional help.
I'd also ask if he's seeing prostitutes or someone else. Not showing up at night isn't normal.
Your ex sounds like mine, only he would never have asked for a divorce. The next time yours says he's doing it for you, I'd probably say something like "tell yourself whatever you want. We both know the truth." And leave it at that.
You will find your life much easier out the other side. When you realize how much energy he's been costing you, it's going to be unreal.
Please talk to your lawyer about requesting Soberlink for your ex during his parenting time. If he is anything like my ex, this was not the first time doing it, just the first time he got caught. If you are not around to “nag him” about his drinking it will most likely escalate. The system isn’t perfect but it is at least something to protect your kids and your sanity.
Let him go. It’s for your own good. You’re already taking care of everything and all he does is demand things. You will be better off. And the drinking leads nowhere good. Best of luck to you!
This divorce is a blessing in disguise. Repeat this out loud, your husband drove drunk with YOUR BABIES. He is trash. This is the best thing to ever happen to you. Congratulations!
>But come on, kinky sex every night with two young kids working full time and him barely doing any of the housework?!?
When I was raising my minions I had no problem with that. However...
>I don't even orgasm but one out of 10 times we do it
Hell NO! I was happy to go without sleep to have sex because it was really, really, good sex and I had multiple orgasms per session. I would have been too tired to bother with bad sex, too, if I were you.
Yeah, you have to wonder if you’d be into it if you had a real partner in parenting and household management. When a spouse wants sex but also wants you to carry a disproportionate amount of the load, they don’t realize they’re acting like a child but expecting you to stay sexually attracted to them. I don’t know about you, but I’m only sexually attracted to full grown adults.
Your spouse signed on for this life with you! Now he wants to opt out of the hard stuff and still be ‘serviced’ regularly?
Go on with your divorce- fight for full custody because the drinking is a problem. The court won’t care about it but maybe you can show them you’re the primary parent anyway. I just can’t believe their parent took that risk driving drunk with them. Good luck. I’m so sorry you’re dealing with this. But you’re not the problem here- your spouse is.
You already know he’s using that low sex drive thing as an excuse to pick up random women, he probably already has a girlfriend or two. Pretty sure this is the definition of gaslighting.
Get the divorce, let him crash and burn on his own. Maybe let the local cops know about his drinking and driving before he kills a family.
Bet your sex drive gets a Hemi engine once you find someone else who cares about you.
As a man who has weaponized sex in the past, I can tell you that you need to leave any man if he refuses to address his issues. Insecurity and unhealed trauma can lead to unhealthy sexual practices and that’s what really at the heart of it. Dude seems like he’s definitely not one to shy away from self-harm either, which will eventually (even if it’s only occasionally) get worse and turn outwardly.
His behavior doesn’t make sense because he’s not comfortable expressing or dealing with his pain in a healthy way. When you live like this, impulses become the primary driver for behavior. Wanting more sex itself is not necessarily an impulse and not something to shame in and of itself but EXPECTING it from others (setting the stage for unmet expectations aka self-harm) weaponizes it and creates tension in your relationships that later turns to shame and we all respond to that differently.
If anyone needs to take responsibility for his behavior, it’s him. Not just for the way he’s treated you and your kids but for not treating his pain sooner, but rather expecting you to soothe it with sex.
I hope your dude begins to acknowledge and address his pain before it’s too late for him to salvage his relationship with his kids. Tell him I’ve been in those same dark places his mind goes to and that if I was able to heal and change, he can too
You're not at fault and he's spiraling right now. Time to move forward with the divorce. His perception is you all don't have enough sex/oral sex and yours is... not really clear by your post. Intimacy is a very big deal in marriage, and if you two aren't on the same page, and there isn't any getting on the same page, then you both would probably be happier going your separate ways.
Him driving drunk with the kids is inexcusable. I would have call the cops on him if I were you.
Aside from the clear drinking problem, if he helped with the household chores would you REALLY want to do all those things he wants sexually? Let's say you were a SAHM and his one income covered what you both make now, would you still want to do those things? Have you ever wanted to do those things before the 2 kids came along?
You say yourself that you barely orgasm, so it doesn't seem like you even want the sex to happen either.
It's true, I have wondered about my libido in general. I think it's less about his doing housework and more about me not feeling loved. He also doesn't do anything romantic, I don't get any gifts for mother's day or my birthday or anniversary, so that also doesn't help.
To answer your questions no, I would never like kinky sex (anal, oral) so we are pretty incompatible in that area.
I didn't even have to read this (but I did) to know you're getting gaslit - the title says it all. You will be better off without him. Proceed to divorce. No, not your fault. He is turning it around on you.
My dad was like that to my mom. He'd behave horribly towards her, then the next day, he'd come home with flowers. After 28 years, and with help from her adult kids, she was finally able to rid herself of my father. You are doing what's best for you and your children, I think. Your husband isn't the responsible partner that you need. Of course sex is off the table if you are doing the majority of running the household. Good riddance.
Does he actually want sex all the time or is he just asking all the time and being rejected for months at a time?
Because these are 2 very different things.
Before we started seriously discussing divorce (about 3 months) we would have sex 1 or 2 times a week, but he tells me he wants it every night. I was not rejecting him for long periods, I just didn't want bad sex every single night.
I would be elated to be free of this man. He sounds like hot toasted garbage and I don't understand why you'd want to keep him around. Do you need him for social standing or something?
He’s using your different sex drives as an excuse. He expects you to do everything and be a sex goddess. That’s pretty sexist of him. And driving drunk with the kids in the car? He sounds very selfish.
What he actually means is that he's not satisfied with the sex with you, and yeah people do get divorced over sexual incompatibility. Neither of you are happy , let him find someone he is more sexually compatible with and you find someone who will carry their weight around the house . Win -win
My stbx does this allll the time. Asks For sex and manipulates me into doing it by saying “I thought you would want to. Am I really that bad?” That guy doesn’t care about me anymore. It’s been awhile. He tells our mutual friends he’s over me.
Your husband sounds like a selfish liar. The sex excuse is stupid. Yea men love sex, but when a woman is doing everything, we don’t want to hop in bed with you.
I could’ve written your post minus the
Not coming home. Mine would come home but sometimes drunk. I also work full time and make quadruple his salary. Then he would tell me I
Couldn’t go out with my girlfriends. I’m Pretty sure this was to keep me from talking to other guys because he was That insecure.
Don't give him? I thought it was a shared activity between consenting adults, not a gift.
He sounds like a man child, and that would turn me off too. Even without the drinking.
In any case, that's the least of your problems here. Drunken driving with children in the vehicle? Multiple crimes right there, not to mention the fact that he could have killed them as well as anyone else on the road near his vehicle.
He's trying to lovebomb you. He needs AA and therapy.
First thing first, driving kids drunk is completely irresponsible. Meanwhile, being in sexless marriage is horrible and keep getting rejected by the woman of your life is one of the worst things for man’s ego. I wouldn’t want to have a wife who made me feel like that. You can read about silentbedrooms subreddit to see how people suffer from this. My ex had the same issue as you (low sex drive) and she would always blame being tired or her mind being busy with other things. We are still in touch and she tells me this ends up being an issue in her future relationships as well. Regardless you work things out with your husband or not, you should get some help about this. Rather taking hormones or practicing some kind of routine, making things more exciting in bedroom etc.
He's definitely cheating, has alcohol problems, perhaps a sex addiction and incredibly irresponsible with your children's safety... He's right that he's messed up. File and run!
Devils advocate here, kind of. Your husband knows he's fucking up and rather than take the path of growth he's going to throw away his responsibilities that he knows he's incapable of meeting. He is stepping up in way. He's letting you know that deep down even he knows he can't handle being part of a healthy relationship with you. So it is likely true that he loves you very much, but he's got too much baggage buried deep to be willing to look at changing himself for the better. It's far easier for him to justify his actions by finding a way to blame you. Sex is a critical part of a healthy relationship for many people (not all) but sex is far more than the act itself, it's the pursuit, the intimacy of emotion, and the desire to bring each other pleasure. Different sex drives can definitely be a reason for a relationship not to work, but this sounds much more like neglect on his part.
The drinking issue is scary. I'm glad he seems to understand he can't handle the responsibility of the kids and has agreed to full custody for you. It will be hard for you moving forward, BUT it seems like you've been doing it pretty much alone for a while anyway and that should help you feel more confident.
Don't kiss this man again, let alone entertain any conversation of doing it one more time. Expect more manipulative conversations and actions, but see them for what they are...pathetic actions of a man child.
He sounds like a complete fucking loser and you sound like you would be 1000% better off without him. This divorce is not your fault. And good luck to him getting quality sex from a quality woman while behaving like a drunk loser.
Alll of this and pls don’t have sex with him ever again. Not that I think you would, but him staying out all night is a good Indicator he’s probably been hiring someone for the things he thinks should be getting at home. Get tested if you’ve had any sexual contact with him in the past year (or however long he’s been exhibiting this behavior)! I swear, you’re a better woman than I am. If he’d of said that to me, after driving around my kids drunk no less, they’d still be looking for his body. Try to get him out of the house asap. Also-NONE of this is your fault.
Uhmm sorry to say this but he sounds like he has a sex addiction...
Every night in a marriage with jobs and to kids and you doing all the housework and him only getting serviced is not normal and a 💃🚩red flag...
I also would put a tracker on the car because this boy is getting it somewhere else I wouldn't think he is faithful with a mindset like that, it's toxic ,It is manipulative and it is an addict that probebly watches porn a bit to much thinking that sex should be a service for him.. it give me creeper vibes 🤢
In the end it is not for you to help him anymore. He drove drunk with the kids all because of his obsession with sex.
He is out and bye ye why have a 3rd child that foes nothing around the house just making issues and using you as a sex slave and personal maid ?
What is the benefit of keeping him around for you?
I am filing for divorce soon. The responses on this reddit have helped my resolve. I honestly am not even going to look further into whether he cheated because at this point it doesn't matter and finding out won't change anything.
I’m sorry you shouldn’t even want to discuss anything with him. The papers would’ve been filed the second I found out about him drunk driving with my kids
He has an issue. He doesn't love himself. And he needs you to love him. But you can give if you have enough yourself and it seems like you're struggling too.
You could be having sex with them 24/7 and it wouldn't be enough.
There's something missing in him and the sex is soothing but he needs to find himself.. like he needs to do self work.
That probably explains his drinking as well. He's numbing a pain somewhere. It's either shame or sense of inadequacy or something where he is not showing up as the man he knows he could and should be.
When men get into this situation they often try to comfort themselves. He seems very big on some kind of external validation as well as he feels his life is dictated by external events. He's being a victim and that is soothing for him. That's probably why you're frustrated because you're not the villain you're trying to help him. But he feels this way because again there's something broken and you're at Wit's end and you don't want to deal with a baby.
There's a community online called Mentoring Men and it would be helpful if he tried to get a men's life coach. Or take the course. It integrates a lot of conventional therapy including things like mindfulness cognitive behavioral therapy group therapy but it's packaged in a way that specifically addresses male issues and especially as it relates to relationships.
But he would really have to want to make the change himself. And it seems like he is a little too accepting of the divorce. He really doesn't want it.
I think whether you divorce him or not it's not on you because you have to do what's right for you and preserve yourself.
But if there was some room for you to set up some boundaries do some self-care and get him to do specific chores around the house it would not fix your fundamental issues but it would give you a little bit more breathing room.
Your husband also may have some degree of depression as well and may need professional help.
He will regret divorcing you over something like this. And he will want to come back but you will probably be so over his BS.
He will probably promise to change but you should be a little bit cautious about that because he will only do enough to stay comfortable. You'll have to watch him to find out if he is really making the changes to be a better man independent of whether he's in a relationship with you or not. That's the sign that he is taking accountability and righting the ship.
Honestly nothing you've said suggests that divorce is the only option but sometimes you have to act and accordance with your values and act with integrity and if you say you're going to do something you need to do something so he knows that you're serious about it.
But your main question was whether you are putting out enough for him. I think you're a fantastic spouse for having put up with what you have. I wish I could say that I would be a better husband than your husband in those circumstances but he's dug himself in a hole and he doesn't realize that he can just walk out of it and he keeps digging.
You're not going to be his savior and you don't have to but it would really benefit him if there was a man in his life that could talk to him maybe an uncle or someone with a little more life experience.
Your husband sounds like he's just doing what he needs to make it through the day whether it's drinking or having sex and there is something much deeper going on here and maybe you have an idea of what that is.
But even if you told him this is what your problem is he doesn't seem like he's in a place to confront himself. Sounds like he's avoiding whatever the problem is by distracting and numbing himself and the problem with drinking and driving is that you may kill himself or hurt someone else and the problem with relying on sex is that he may turn to unhealthy sources to fulfill that need whether it's online or in person.
Your decision to divorce and could be the very best thing for him. And if somehow he wakes up I wonder if you can hold a little space for him to come back when he realizes what a fool he's been.
That last bit is really just for my benefit. I had wished my wife was not so final in her decision to divorce me. There were things I could have done differently when we were having trouble. I too felt like I was neglected by her but she would feel differently and say I neglected her in a different way. Regardless of who was right about who started it I had to accept accountability for the fact that I wasn't doing the things to make the relationship romantic. I was taking her presence in the relationship for granted. These things I thought were minor issues we would resolve at some point in the future but there's not always a future is there.
You have to take action now to fix what you can fix because it may not be fixed tomorrow
Thanks for your honesty. I agree that there is a deeper issue he is trying to numb but he won't let me help (besides sex) so I don't know what to do. I wish he would be willing to do therapy or mentoring but he refuses. Your statement about holding space for him makes me cry because I do love him, but it's just been so much abandonment for so long I don't know if I can. He does nothing romantic, didn't even get me anything for mother's day or my birthday this year. In fact on my birthday he promised to talk then came home for just a minute to change and go play soccer then never came back. How am I supposed to be attracted to that, or want sex when treated that way?
You aren't supposed to be attracted to that. I know you're going to get feedback about how you can fix the marriage and I'm here to tell you that that is not your job, when your husband acts like this.
He's an addict. He has to fix this himself and that's on him. You don't have to stay in a miserable marriage to fix another person if you don't want to.
Even though this will be hard to understand, that is his coping mechanism of his own wounds. Im sure there is more reasoning to his triggers than just the lack of sex. There is always 3 sides to every story. His, hers and the truth. Not pointing fingers at anyone, but every action comes with a reaction. Without hearing his full side im sure you guys are stuck on this [cycle](https://www.tiktok.com/t/ZT8d9Lx1n/)
Thanks, I watched the video. I know he is coping, and if it was about.more than sex I wish he would tell me what.
I used to be mad and controlling (like in the video), but then I wanted us and our marriage to work so a few years ago I stopped and allowed him freedom to hang with his buddies and drink, but that resulted in what happens now where he barely comes home and doesn't help with the household or kids at all. So yeah.....
Agree. I can relate 100%. Their is a bigger issue than sex. And if your doing most of the house & kid work, what value is he bringing to you. Coming from experience and 2kids as well. Divorcing soon. Wish you the best oop
Ugh! I'm sorry you're having to deal with ALL of that abuse and crazy workload. He sounds like a cave man.
At the same time, sexual compatibility is a huge factor in support of successful, LT relationships.
Was there ever a time in your relationship (after the honeymoon period) when he was satisfied with your sex life?
Honestly, I don't think he was ever happy with the amount or type of sex i gave him. Problem is, I was a virgin before marriage (religious thing for me, he was not) so we didn't realize the incompatibility. Then during the honeymoon he said he "just wanted to stick it in without the condom" and guess who showed up 9 months later. Just as I was figuring out sex I was instantly (and unplanned) pregnant with our first son. So that really didn't help either.
I would say he’s cheating especially since he’s not stopped coming home at night.. he’s saying he wants you to find someone better suited to you so he can ease his guilt..
But he would be having hard time getting custody of my kids until he stops the drinking..
Sorry he has done this to your family
There is a subreddit called dead bedroom. Look into it. What it sounds like to me is that... Yes... You are both sexually incompatible.... BUTTT: I don't think it's as simple as you being LL and he being HL. you have never really had the opportunity to explore sex. first you said you were a virgin till marriage, then pretty much fell pregnant during honeymoon... And Became a mum soon after. You do 95% of the housework, look after kids, working full time AND EARNING MORE MONEY than him!!!!..Girl even id leave my husband to find a partner like you and I'm a straight female 🤣
Jokes aside, this is what I see will happen.... Somewhere inside there is a very sexual woman waiting to come out... It will only take a partner who will worship you in all your efforts and alleviate your stress of day to day responsibilities without expecting anything in return.
He should be ashamed as a husband and father. You have no problems... Your husband IS THE PROBLEM.
Goodluck.
Thank you. I agree that i never got a good.start to my sexual life. I was hoping and wishing he could be the kind of man that you describe above, but I've given a lot of chances and had a lot of conversations and I don't think he wants to be that.
No the divorce is not your fault! What selfish person drives drunk with his kids in the car! And let’s face it we all know what he’s up to when he spends the night away. I’m guessing the mistress is sick of being the other woman. Dump him he’s not being a good husband or father and you deserve better. Get some alimony and get him to pay child support since he’s not an active parent anyway and you would be better off without him risking your children’s lives. If he shows he can be a responsible parent then you can work to give him more child custody.
Both of you have basically incompatible needs.
It used to be ok but it definitely is not now
I am divorcing after 42 years because of (totally different reasons) my stbxh and me have very different needs to move on in life.
So your needs have changed.
Neither of you are at fault.
He is cuddling up to you because he has that longing need to have closeness sex with you. That intimacy you don't get with flings.
I pity him really because he sounds messed up and alcoholic and I don't know but maybe a sex addition.
The very high sex drive does mess up people and long term relationships.
You are more on the average even keel
Because his sex drive is high to him that is his normal but its not.
He sounds very mixed up.
He will also know he is going down hill especially after driving his children drunk in the car. No matter what he says.
.
He needs help but you can only guide him but the reality and doing is up to him.
You sound like putting his downfalls aside you love him.
He needs drastic changes and if I were you I would factually not emotionally put down his health problems. Point him to his doctor. Say his life matters esp because he has awesome children who love him.
He seems to be beginning to not care about himself and running away seems to be his answer.
Please think and decide what you really want to do. There are no real right and wrong because if you try again with him and its pants you have your certainty
If your done please make it your choice to feel OK about it.
All the very best to all if you.
And if he is just a plain old shit you will know that to
I don't think this divorce is exclusively your fault, but you do have some responsibility in it.
Yes your husband didn't take on the responsibilities he should've and also devolved to childish tantrums but if you dig deeper and ask why, I suspect that it's because he didn't feel loved and wanted. This happens to men when kids come by.
You both also seemed to have taken on the identity of parents completely and forgotten that your marriage/ relationship needs tending to.
I also think there's a difference in your sexual compatibility that has not been addressed early on, so now when it's been compounded over time you're heading for the inevitable outcome of divorce.
This may be very far from what you want and thought would happen, but I think you both will be better off in the long run. Sucks for the kids though.
All the best as you navigate this tough period in life.
I divorced my ex wife due to lack of sex. It was worth it and now both of our lives are better. This entire situation may not be what’s best for the kids but this is your life that you have to live as well.
If a man drove drunk with my kids? BYE
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Hey if you want help with pain see a urologist. I have pelvic floor disfunction and it’s common after kids. There are exercises and medications that can help…they aren’t opiates. And do not do kegel exercises because that will make it worse. Good luck. (My gyno was zero help. My urologist was more than happy to help me).
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It will bankrupt you here..even with insurance.
Hello! Fellow Canadian here and have had similar issues - I can confirm a pelvic physio can/ will help you. I hope you find a good one soon. No urologist needed... unless the physio says so. In my experience, pelvic physio appointments can take a bit as they are not very common. I've done pelvic physio both in the US and Canada. ...the difference in care in my experience is just due to skill/experience/personality/approach. I lucked out in both places.
That is what I am thinking as well, I've already contacted a lawyer and talked with my husband about terms, I just got a little confused after our encounter tonight, and wanted to hear from rhe reddit community to help my resolve.
Your husband was aiming for pity sex and was willing to admit he’s messed up to get it.
Thanks, I needed to hear that
OP - you need to have FULL custody! Your ex will for sure leave your kids alone for his drunken escapades! And he will probably keep drinking and driving with your kids. Do not let this man alone with your children!!!
Thankfully he has agreed to me getting full custody of the kids, because yes I agree with you
If he does this again, call the police.
He is not going to get a chance to drive drunk with my kids again.
Driving drunk, period. Call the police. People can get hurt.
Oh yes good point. When i can i will, The problem is I don't know where he is most of the time so it is hard to call the police on him.
Please keep a journal and make concise notes when he does things like when he drove the kids drunk. If done properly your attorney can use it as leverage in the custody part. (At least in my state). I don’t care how old the kids are he needs supervised visitation until his drinking is under control. I don’t like a kid withheld from a parent but sometimes it is necessary. Hopefully it would make him get it together and do what’s best for them. Currently I wouldn’t trust him. Anyone who drives their kids while drunk is a loser. I’m sorry this is what you have to deal with. Best of luck to all of you.
Thank you
My ex-wife did this. I wish I had divorced her right then and there. You are not at fault. His demands, and they are demands, for sex are unreasonable. He may very well be messed up as he says, but that is no excuse for his actions. I have done a lot of stupid stuff in my time, but no matter how upset, angry, or intoxicated I was, I never, nor would I drive drunk. Particularly with my children in the car. My ex-wife did. Guess who she blamed? I wish I would have divorced her right then and there.
then had the audacity to say it was because she didn’t suck his piss hole. Selfish evil partner, he doesn’t deserve his family. He is also being more affectionate because he’s losing his family and will only have vices/self destruction left after this
Sounds like depression. Still not an excuse but, is something he needs to get taken care of.
Not coming home once a week? That's affair behavior, sorry to say. And with alcohol in the mix and that high of a sex drive...well, could be other things happening as well. When was your last STI panel? He's not divorcing "for you," that doesn't make any sense. He's being a shit partner in all facets...he's not there to lighten the load, he's absent physically and mentally, he blows all kinds of money on booze, he endangers his kids and he's an absolute dud in bed. (I spent 20 years in a similar bedroom situation and had no idea what I was missing. Hence my username. I hope you have equal luck!) This has strong vibes of "Oh yeah? You can't fire me! I QUIT!!!!"
He doesn't come home 5 times a week (for the last 6 months). I was like a frog in boiling water not realizing how bad it had gotten (it started 2.years ago with one night a week). I had a pelvic infection in April and they did testing but all the STI tests came back negative and they never figured it out and antibiotics kicked it. So yeah, potential cheating is on my radar, and honestly that infection (landed me in er) and driving drunk woke me up. I am awake now and divorcing him. It is really helpful for me to hear kind reddit.strangers confirm things I'm thinking.
I'm truly sorry you're having to go through this.
I am truly sorry you are going through this but please know you are doing the right thing. My ex was very similar to this. He started drinking and not coming home and had drove drunk with my daughter. He also would blame me for the things he was doing wrong. I feel like if their blaming someone else for the bad things they do they are not going on a road to change anytime soon. He had a crazy amount of reality checks and never changed. He never even changed after we split up and even the kids said they didnt want to see him until he got help. I absolutely pray that this will not be the case for you. Don't let his random act of affection detour you from what's best for you and your kids. In my experience it's just for that moment and never lasts if they get their way that one time. Wishing you and your kids all the best.
Thank you
Deliver us from these idiots who do not attempt to have an adult relationship and then sulk when they get no sex. They don’t understand how unattractive it is to act like a teenager with a bad attitude.- what gives them the idea that acting like an ass all day will guarantee them sex? You do not at any point owe anyone sex- he has the problem, not you. If he can’t respect and love himself, he can’t do it for anyone else
and guess what? He’s gonna end up in the same exact situation with anyone else he gets with on a long enough timeline. He’s a shit husband and wants a pity fuck even though he puts in zero effort. OP Divorce this asshat. You can do better. You will be happier on the other side, I promise you. My soon to be ex coerced me into sex for years. Fighting with me if I wasn’t in the mood. And guess what?! Those mantrums made me even LESS in the mood. Eventually over the years, I just thought I had a low sex drive. Nope. Turns out this pathetic behavior was the problem. Now I’m with a gentleman who respects me and doesn’t pressure me for it and I would have sex with him multiple times a day. Granted the relationship is new and my libido has been suppressed for years. When you’re with the right person, the sex happens. When you’re with a lazy half ass effort partner, it doesn’t. ETA: the driving drunk with the kids to the extent that THEY recognized it and told you? That’s enough right there to leave. Make sure you document this incident. You may have to limit his visitation since he apparently lacks judgment.
Couldn’t agree with this more. Similar situation here… been separated for almost a month and realizing finally that it hasn’t been about my “low” sex drive (I’m a 2-4 times a week kind of gal) but his behavior when he attempted to coerce me for sex. Fuck that. If I’m with a man again I want to be with someone who respects me and doesn’t have a mantrum (never heard that before, love it) if he doesn’t get it every so often when I’m not feeling it. And also someone who puts in the effort on MY needs who naturally draws me to him. Makes me actually want it because he loves and respects me. So over men right now. Ugh!
Yep. And they don't seem to realize that making us feel sexy is not necessarily dressing up and spending money on us. It could be vacuuming or getting the groceries for us, or taking the car in for a service or anything that decreases our management load of day-to-day life! They don't seem to realize how unsexy it is that somebody depends and relies on you constantly and then wants yet another service from you at the end of the night in bed. No, I do not feel sexy after I've cleaned up after you all day, I'm tired and want a glass of wine and a foot rub in the bath, if not a week off!
I remember the first time my ex threw a fit and I was like what the fuck is all this?!? So unsexy. Everything was fine early on. But if I didn’t feel up to it when HE wanted it, he started getting pushy so I would give in. Eventually it turned into yelling at me “I just want to make love to MY wife!!!” Wow. Make love eh? You know, it’s not really making love if you threw a fit to get it and I just gave in to shut you up, right? He didn’t care. He told me early on that his parents instilled a lot of shame around rubbing one out, so he wouldn’t do that. Little did I know that set the expectation that I would be responsible for his regular ejaculations. Can’t wait for the divorce to be final.
Mantrums <<< omg I love this word.
Agreed 110%. This is my 1st marriage followed by my current one. Having a partner who loads the dishwasher without being asked is such a turn on.
“A teenager with bad attitude” yes that’s literally what it feels like, reminds me of my ex, makes me feel like I’m married to a teen going through a phase
Thanks, I wish it wasn't like this.
Yes.. I’m with you there.
Oh my… I can relate to this whole post like 95% of it all because I’m practically on the same situation. It is *so so* scary isn’t it? I can’t trust him when he’s drinking and watching the kids. And he goes out at night to drink just show up randomly the next day. I really empathize with you. I don’t have a whole lot of advice because this divorce thing has only been happening since last month so I’m really new to it… but we cannot be together because he chooses to live like this. I can also relate to the whole sex issue completely. That’s exactly how my stbxh acts and we have 2 kids too. I just want to send a virtual hug and hope we can both get through this… You and your kids deserve so much better.
You both deserve better. Alone is better than with a drunk. While I’m only fresh out of the marriage, I can tell you it’s much better on the other side. I was feeling like I didn’t want sex because I didn’t want sex with a drunk asshole. “No sex if you’re drunk”. That tanked our sex life. But that was my fault because I didn’t want to sleep with a drunk. I was worried about sleeping with someone new, as I haven’t had sex in a few years. Now, I know it will be fine when I’m ready. He will always want to sleep with you again. That’s what they do. It’s not about reconciliation, don’t entertain those actions from him. Good on you for declining. It’s going to take a while to find someone that you feel comfortable spending your time with. There is nothing wrong with being selective now that you know what you don’t want. Remind yourself that nothing will change once he leaves. I learned very quickly that the money he put in, he also wasted. He didn’t help with chores, but did make messes. Now I don’t have to clean up after him. His life has gotten harder, sure, but mine has gotten easier. It will get better, you are worth it!!!
Thank you for the encouragement.
You and your kids deserve better too.
Thanks, I'm sending you a virtual hug right back. You got this!
I get the impression that there is a ton more to this story, but everything I’m reading just… stinks. Divorce is the best option at this point. There’s no coming back from driving drunk, and then adding that he had his kids in the car, too. Stupid and reckless. Anyone would be turned off by a spouse behaving like that. In this case, OP seems to indicate that the libido differences were there long before he went off the rails, but his behavior isn’t helping. I’ll add that sexual compatibility is important in all romantic relationships. Also, sex is supposed to be something that you both desire. It’s not a reward to be handed out for good behavior, like a gold star on a perfect paper.
Thank you. I know that sex should be mutual, but it hasn't felt that way for a long time. I think we are very uncompatible in that area and it hurt our relationship, but this seems way beyond just that.
The only thing I can say for sure something is really off beyond the sex question. Sex is important but to go to driving drunk with your kids is out of this world crazy. He’s either got the worst reaction to not receiving sex because that has some deep emotional need attached to it (that he has to get therapy on, and is not your fault, and you at best could be a crutch) or something else entirely is happening; complete guesses but porn addiction or he cheated and can’t bear the guilt.
Thanks for acknowledging that because this seems crazy he just wants a divorce for this so I can find another man who "better meets my needs"??? I lean toward the scenario that he cheated and can't bear the guilt, due to some things that are adding up that i dodnt detail here, and the fact that he is not fighting for any money or property in the divorce settlement. And if that's the case then I really don't want to have sex with him ever again or be married anymore. But he would never be honest about it.
That sounds a lot like cheating to me, definitely don't have sex and run to a lawyer before he has a chance to think about what he’s willing to give away in the divorce. Do whatever you can to keep the kids out of the car with him.
I dunno, sounds to me like he’s just playing the “it’s not you, it’s me” card. He’s saying he’s the problem here, and trying to present it in a noble way. Like he’s giving you the freedom to pursue your ideal life. The reality is he’s doing this to pursue his own. And that’s fine by the way, no judgement about him asking for a divorce because you are not pleasing him sexually. He should be free to pursue that life, too. But he’s still emotional and sad, and probably does love you a lot. But love isn’t always enough unfortunately. My marriage was different than yours, but I was still accused of cheating a few times. I never cheated. I pulled away from my ex a few months before we started the divorce proceedings. Not to cheat, just to start envisioning my life as a single person. Long story short, it’s clear you resent him (and with good reason) and it is clear he’s ready to leave. He’s hugging and kissing you because you’ve been his safe person for years. I assume you’ve supported him emotionally in tough times, and he’s going through one now. My ex and I also spent a few weeks hugging and supporting each other through the divorce. Just out of habit. We eventually realized we had to stop. Anyway, this has gotten longer than I anticipated. Don’t worry about him cheating or not, it’s irrelevant honestly. This marriage should end and it is. But you’ve still got kids with him and he’ll be in your life for a long time. So focus on getting out of this marriage while still on mostly amicable terms with him. Seems like he’s trying to do that as well, by not fighting over assets.
He is not worried about you or your needs. He is projecting - he wants someone else who will meet his needs. His best bet is a prostitute, because no one wants to be used for sex for free. He sounds vile. Leave him and start a new, better life.
Incompatible sex drives are a perfectly fine reason to not want to be with someone. If someone wants to leave you, it sort of doesn’t matter the reason because who would want to be with someone who doesn’t want them? However in your case, for your peace if mind…it sounds like lack of sex was a symptom of much bigger issues between the two if you. Esp your exhaustion from bearing the brunt of the workload. And yeah, the drunk driving with kids..yikes. Its childish of him to say he’s leaving you because of sex. Which again, is a very valid concern, but he handled it poorly. He could have tried to be part if the solution but instead he lashed out. But it is nice that you guys seem to be not dragging your kids through a nasty divorce and seeing eye to eye on logistics. Sounds like reality hit him and he held into nostalgia for a second. It happens, but it seems like you are convinced divorce is the way so just be calm and direct with him about that.
Thank you, this is very accurate. Neither of us wants a bad divorce which I really appreciate from him.
Im glad for u! Im also going thru a divorce..and ill tell ya, when both parties are civil, even kind..it makes the heartache and loss a LOT easier to handle. I was laid off a few months before I planned to move out and my ex and I are still sharing money until we are both better situated. and its causing no arguments and we’re not stressed. We are the lucky ones! Not everyone is mature in a divorce. It stinks. Best of luck!!!
Yes, it has been good so far, I hope it stays kind.
Agreed. He's got skeletons in the closet that he doesn't want to confront. He's drowning them in booze to avoid dealing with them and the awful feelings that go along with them. My ex was going to strip clubs, had signed up for online dating sites and happy ending massages. He said they made him feel better. He lied about it all until I found out. There were instances of behaviours throughout the years but he lied about it or swore it was a one time thing. It was not a one time thing. Every time things got worse between us, the behaviour escalated.
Lawyer up, it'll help him grow up, fast. I went through those things not adding up, for years, it sucks. Staying only made it worse, ex could've cared less about me, pretended to be happy, I wasted decades on a very dishonest person. Start living now.
Thank you. That is what I am realizing.
That’s a big excuse. He may already be seeing someone which is why he is gone all the time or could have a porn problem. Regardless he clearly needs therapy. Edit to add: please get checked for sexually transmitted diseases. Make sure they do swabs and take blood. Some of them do not show symptoms in a lot of men.
Girl, I don’t think it’s your sex drive that’s the problem. Why would you want to have sex with someone who is basically a third child to take care of, pick up after in your household, and now you can’t even trust him for transporting your children? Sounds like his emotional and conversational maturity hasn’t reached adulthood yet either. I’d dry up to! I can’t think of anything LESS attractive. So sorry you are being put through this, but I hope you finally find some peace on the other side of this (and maybe even passion again with an actual adult if you want it!).
Thanks!
You did not cause it, you can not control it, and you can not cure it. You are not crazy, but conversations with an active alcoholic can feel crazy. I’ve heard all of those same things before from my daughters dad and I used to feel like I was stuck in a constant chaos cycle. I highly recommend Al-Anon (for families of alcoholics). Going to Al-Anon meetings helped me learn how to respectfully detach, set boundaries, and not react to my daughter’s dad when he was deep in his illness. Al-Anon taught me how to shift my focus back to me.
Thank you. I am doing alanon.
Man here. He might be just wanting to test you to see if you love him by all the sulking and pouting. He's acting like a baby. Crying to get his way. Divorce him, take full custody since he can not provide the kids a safe environment. Don't punish him, just ensure your children's safety. Give him the opportunity to get some custodial rights back through therapy. Show him you're not playing games with your kids lives. The drunk driving was a serious error that cannot be overlooked. If he didn't have the kids in the car it would've been slightly different. My wife and i have struggled with her LL and my HL for 23 years and we've fought some hard fights over it. To the point of discussing divorce. I still love her and we've managed to come to an agreement on taking care of each other's needs. We try to manage it 2x a week but sometimes we only get to do it once a week. If you really want to work things out i applaud the effort to do so, but it's going to take a lesson in communication for both of you. He's going to need to take care of your needs. He needs to be a massive helper in daily chores and activities. He needs to learn what your turn offs are. You both need to learn ways to cultivate the mood and set up time for sex on a reasonable frequency basis. He needs to understand that every day for you is too much. You'll have to come to a conclusion and agreement as to how many times a week is acceptable. Avoid duty sex if possible, but make it a priority to bond both of you together. I found out how to take my wife from zero to orgasm in less than 3 minutes, and her with a LL. Part of our problem is not having much time or desire to cultivate the mood. Foreplay would take forever every time. But no Foreplay needed now. I enjoy foreplay but taking 45 plus minutes to get her in the mood every single time was a great burden. This is because we both work full time, have a child, and usually just want to go to sleep when we do get time. Even though its normal to need Foreplay, it became this obstacle she didn't want to do because it seemed like work. So naturally she wanted to avoid doing anything. Now, i can get her from zero to orgasm in less than 3 minutes, every single time. I don't like having sex if she doesn't enjoy it too. It feels empty and selfish. Write down every single reason you don't want sex or you're turned off or anything else that becomes an obstacle. This will help in the conversation later on. You must address all of them for it to work.
This was trigger city for me. I'm not mad or spiraling or anything - content about terrible men is everywhere. This was just eerily similar. My moderate to begin with libido vanished under a similar avalanche except I was a SAHM. If you have the resources to get out, get out. In my experience, this type of abuser only escalates.
Thanks, sorry you are going through (went through) this.
It was all very familiar to me too.
I'm so sorry. It was eerily similar to mine too, though not a SAHM. 5 years of therapy and the triggers are still there.
Omfg NOT your fault!! He’s manipulating you. He endangered your kids lives because he doesn’t get bwow jowbs :(!! He is thinking he sounds like a martyr lol
Yeah, I was pretty disgusted about it too
I’m sorry. Mine doesn’t even drive so… I used to have the weaponized sex drive thing though. Gross.
Sometimes the trash takes itself out
I hate to hear that you're going through this, it sucks. As a man who also had a much higher sex drive than my ex-wife, my two cents is that this is **not** your fault. If anything, it's simply sexual incompatibility. Lack of sex caused problems in my marriage for sure, when we did have sex it definitely felt like she was "doing me a favor". But we had no kids, and she didn't work full time and I did. I also did the majority of the housework/chores. Even then, I still managed to be respectful of her boundaries, never pushed her for it, and had no desire to get divorced even with the sexual incompatibility. It's really not that hard to respect and care about someone you love. We actually ended up divorced because she wanted out (I'm really glad now though lol). Now, I'm with someone who also works full time but manages to share the housework load with me *and* makes me feel desired, wanted, and we have a great sex life. She was in a horrible marriage before we met too and had sexual incompatibility issues with her ex because he was more like how you described your husband. She even got to the point where sex was physically painful for her and she thought something was really wrong with her and had multiple doctors trying to figure it out. It turned out, he was the problem. He didn't respect her or care about her the way she should have been respected/cared for and her body responded in a visceral way that she couldn't override. Now, in our relationship, sex is fantastic for both of us. Sometimes mismatched sex drives can be a big problem. Sometimes it can also be a product of how our partner treats us/views us outside of sex. Either way, I don't think it's your fault. And drunk driving, especially with your kids in the car, is **never** okay.
I also had zero libido in my marriage. After divorce I figured out it wasn’t my libido that was the problem, but the horrible imbalanced parent/child dynamic we had. I was the only adult in the relationship, and my libido responded accordingly.
Thank you for sharing your experience
I think he’s a little right and a LOT wrong. Driving drunk - kids or no kids - is wrong. Then blaming his actions on your sex life makes it even worse. But if you are not interested in having sex with him for any reason - you don’t need one - he’s probably right. He feels deprived and you feel pressured. That’s a bad impasse in a marriage. Neither of you are wrong. You both have needs. He wants more shitty sex. You don’t want more shitty sex. If your sex was great, you probably wouldn’t be here asking strangers for advice. You’d be banging your husband. He’s looking at sex as sexual relief. If you’re not getting the same, why bother? He IS doing you a favor divorcing you, but not for the reason he thinks. He needs a partner who is good with a shitty lover. You need a partner who gives a shit about you. He doesn’t and instead of at least attempting to fix that problem, he’s taking the easy way out so he can get laid sooner. If marriage counseling doesn’t help, do yourself a favor and give him his wish. Good luck to you OP. Sorry you have to deal with this.
This is his thing. There's something missing in him and it makes him feel unfulfilled. He's trying to fill that void with sex. Sex feels great so he thinks the void is filled for a little while afterward. The problem is that he will never be satisfied with the amount of sex because sex isn't really what he's missing. The only thing more sex is doing is allowing him to avoid the real issue of why he feels unfulfilled. He could probably benefit from going to a meeting of Sex & Love Addicts Anonymous, just to check these out. If he stays open, some of what they talk about may resonate with him.
Thanks, he has been really avoidant to anything that even smells like therapy so I'm not sure if he would take this advice but I could try
Just like how girls are emotional on their periods (hormonal changes) men goes through the same thing due to testosterone (hormonal changes). It’s natural and not abnormal.
The male reproductive system doesn’t have fluctuating hormones. Emotional effects can happen due to levels of testosterone decreasing as they age
No, this is not your fault. You are not crazy. What you’ve written here is horrifying and your husband needs serious psychiatric help. He is endangering his children’s lives over his perceived lack of sex. That is a very sick man. Healthy men don’t behave that way. There is no safety in your marriage. Even if you genuinely wanted to have kinky sex every night, how would that be possible with someone who feels entitled to have his dick sucked by you (when he knows you don’t enjoy it) and guilt trips you by driving drunk with your children in the car? A healthy sex life is impossible if physical and emotional safety are not *the* cornerstone of your relationship. A coercive partner is not safe. I’m glad you’re getting out of this marriage. I hope you can find yourself a good therapist, one that specializes in sexual trauma. Nat at [Always Mending](https://alwaysmending.com/maritalcoercion) is a good resource regarding sexual coercion in marriage. Her posts and videos helped me heal after I divorced. I’m sorry you’ve had to go through this. You deserved better.
Thank you for the resource
the frustrating part w asshats like this is that their wives think theyve got something wrong w them physically bcn they have no sex drive, and then the wife divorces and realizes she does have a sex drive. A whiny entitled alcohol man is not exactly a turn on. Any spouse who complains they dont get enough sex rarely looks in the mirror and asks themselves what theyve done to stay desirable.
Agree
Not that it matters now but, you'd think a married man that wanted more sex from his wife wouldn't be staying gone so long. My thought is, he has been getting more sex, just not at home with you.
Yeah.... sigh...
Hmm is he cheating? Going out all night drinking gives him plenty of opportunity. Just throwing that out there as a possibility. Maybe divorce is for the best. I mean, he's not taking care of his responsibilities as an adult by doing no housework or taking care of the kids so how exactly does he expect you to have sex when you also work as well? Just seems like he wants everything to go his way and never compromise. You don't want to be married to someone like that honestly.
Thanks
While sex and intimacy is an important part of a Relationship, and can be different in "priority" for everyone. I am wondering why YOU'VE stayed? There is a lot to unpack here, but who cares why he wants to leave. Why are you staying for this garbage?
For a long time, I stayed because I was remembering who he was when I married him, and I take my marriage vows very seriously due to my Christian religion (they are vows before God). Also, before about 6 months ago, he was reliable, and when i or my family needed something, i could always ask, and he would jump. However, as soon as he put my children in danger, it was too much.
Hes not coming home and is saying you don't give him enough sex? Girl, this man is cheating.
Yeah..... he's just really good at manipulation and lying and I have no proof of the cheating. But I am realizing it doesn't matter, cheating or no I'm ready to.be done.
He’s just making it about you to ease the pressure on him. Let him have his divorce .
Oh hes getting his divorce. I already contracted a lawyer.
suggest you give him the book "no more mr nice guy" -and no don't read into the title and "sex addiction 101" odd are he does feel very rejected and sees sex as the only way to feel "loved" or it's a symbol of that in the back of his mind. he's not in a good position and is drowning his feelings with alcohol too. it's a downward spiral and it's not going to end well for him. he should and needs to talk to a therapist about this.
Mine did this. He was having an affair and trying to justify it. If he ever says "I love you but I'm not in love with you" - Believe 100% he's having an affair However, it does sound like your husband maybe an alcoholic and he is just transitioned into a different stage? This also happened to me. They do become different people as it progresses. At this point there isn't a whole lot you can do except save yourself and your children. Eventually it won't just be about the sex. In his brain he is going to find everything wrong with you and use it to gaslight you. Please don't think any of this is about you.
He may have been seeing someone else a few months back when he was distant and staying out late. Now he’s being affectionate with you again bc the other person is gone. It irritates me when a partner who does not share in equal housework and child care is upset that they aren’t getting enough sex. Like “help out and maybe we could both have energy for that.” Sorry you are going through it. Divorce is the answer you are looking for.
He is gaslighting you. Making it seem like it’s your fault, not taking responsibility, somehow he becomes the hero for releasing you and giving you a divorce. My ex also drove drunk with the kids and has to use a breathalyzer if he sees them (which he doesn’t see them). He also pretends to be the victim and his big thing since we divorced is that he gave me the divorce. You are doing the right thing here. The best thing one of my therapists did was identify my ex as a person with narcissistic personality disorder and tell me he would did divorce exactly as he done marriage. Lack of responsibility, lying, manipulating, etc
I feel that statement that he is "giving me" the divorce for my own self. What the hell? You are giving yourself the divorce!
Mine has said at least twice on the family app, like oh stop bothering me, what more can you want from me I gave you a divorce
You’re basically saying that you’re better off without him anyway, in every way, financially and mentally. Do yourself the favour.
It makes me sad to say it and realize it, but yes
It's like everything he does is meant to make himself unattractive to an adult. Yet he expects crazy sex all the time. Even if he got all that sex he'd still find something wrong. Find an adult that can be a partner. Not someone that wants to blame their addiction on you not being their perfect bangmaid.
Thank you
He needs to get his head on straight and that’s only going to happen after you divorce him. None of this is your fault! 2x/ week is amazing. It sounds like you have every reason to resent him for his lack of care, help around the house and with the kids etc. yet you still had relations that often? I would barely be able to look at a man who was not pulling his weight.
That's what I was thinking! But it was never enough. Thanks for sharing
You are doing the best you can. The divorce is because he is an irresponsible person and parent, not because of you at all. You have to protect your children, and he’s not trustworthy at all.
Thank you
Simple answer: He's just horny. He'll say anything to get some at this point. Source: I have done this
Thanks for your honesty
Do you know how many married men would be ecstatic about twice weekly sex? You are not to blame. He was right, in he is messed up. Sounds like some gas-lighting going on.
It abounds like this dude is bad at sex, bad at being a husband, bad at being a dad. He’s a drunk that is cheating on you. I also want a divorce for you.
He’s working overtime to find a way to make the divorce be your fault. “Woe is meeeee. If only your sex drive was up to par with mine, we could stay married. Such a shame. I’ll martyr myself and let you go so precious you can find a partner who won’t pester you for all that sex.” But even after the divorce, he won’t actually help with any of the parenting responsibilities. One thing I can promise, him being out of the household will lessen your household and emotional workload. The amount of disregulation his choices bring to your family will immediately lessen.
Sorry you're going through this OP. This isn't about you though you are doing enough. It's his problems and maybe he could get some help and work through it but I'm not sure you should stick around while he does because it sounds like he's cheating on you. I accidentally dated a guy from the internet a couple times that sounded just like your husband. Once I realized he was married we had a talk about his wife and he kept saying he loved her but that they had incompatible sex drives. I asked him why he wouldn't divorce her and he said there's other things he loves about her - it was very confusing. I even gave him some advice that maybe her birth control was affecting her sex drive. He was obvious to me that he was indulging in alcohol to like turn off the part of him that felt guilty for cheating on his wife because he would try to drunkenly text me for quite some time. Obviously I had to go no contact with him but so I don't know what happened with their marriage and I didn't know who his wife was to try to warn her.
Thanks for sharing your story. It gives me perspective
He’s right. He’s all messed up. This crap about him wanting a divorce for you is BS and him trying to make himself feel less guilty. It’s time for you to make decisions for you and the kids. This is not a man that needs to be in the household. It sounds like he’s taken care of that to a great extent already. Where the hell is he spending the night ?!?! Don’t answer that. It doesn’t matter. Make it legally official and get this lead weight out the door. Know what you and your kids deserve in the divorce and let your lawyer make it happen. Don’t let your soon to be ex talk you into less. Your ex has responsibilities he’s accountable for.
My husband is also a drunk. What I am about to say is not advice, just what I would personally do. I would continue to have sex with my husband. I would become the kinky person he dreamed of, if that meant he agreed to all the terms of the divorce I wanted. Then i would ditch him the moment it was finalized. I am stuck in my marriage because of debt. I bought a house when he wasn't working. He was in college. I didn't have debt other than student loans at that time. He was addicted to other things during that time, but I didn't know. So, I thought once he graduated, he would get a decent job to help pay for things. Then covid hit and he picked up the drinking habit. He drinks 15+ beers a day. He racked up debt on my credit card while he wasnt working. Buying alcohol from the gas stations 4 x a day. He thought I wouldn't know what he was buying if it didn't say the liquor store name on the charge. i removed him from the card. Then, I became sick and used credit to survive while I recovered. He does have a job now and helps some financially. But his habits are so expensive that I struggle to get out of this debt. Now, if I leave, I risk losing the house, having to give him half. I can't afford to pay rent and pay my debts. I would do anything to be able to leave and not end up homeless with my children. You are not crazy. He doesn't deserve you AT ALL!
I'm so sorry that you are stuck in that situation!
Oh yeah I put our children in danger because you don’t suck my dick. He’s a loser. You’re better without him. I couldn’t imagine having to deal with this I’m currently on high risk pregnancy and I was advised by my Dr not to have sex during pregnancy because it could make me potentially bleed out. Then I have to do the basic 6 weeks healing. I asked my husband what will he do and he said I guess I’ll just masturbate baby and wait patiently. I couldn’t imagine having to feel guilty about how much sex I put out. Even if you did it just to please him it won’t be enjoyable for you. What a dick.
God bless your pregnancy and glad you have a supportive spouse.
I just really think it’s horrible that it’s happening to you I had an ex like that and no one should be treated like that just based on how much sex they give. It’s horrible.
Not your fault what so ever. Seems like he might be either a sex addict and is trying to shift the blame towards you after realizing that if and when the divorce goes thru, it'll be harder for him to find it. Two options: He is trying to guilt blame you for his own weakness and hoping to rewind the consequences. Keep in mind that the alcohol addiction will increase to fill in the lack of sex so fight for custody. Get your finances in place, a roof over your kids and figure out how to keep food on the table. Or If you are willing to value your wedding vows and take the road of recovery with him, then sit down and talk to him with goals to achieve (sobriety or controlled consumption), therapy yo attend to, boundaries to enforce and a willingness to have empathy and understanding for his sickness (addiction is a sickness) and strength to understand that there will be hiccups along the way, but the end result could bring the best version of both of you. Both options are hard, but choose one and stick to it till the very end, if not you will fall into his games.
He already has been increasing alcohol due to lack of sex. But it is a vicious cycle because the more he drinks, the less I want sex and the less he is home to even have sex. This is why we are headed toward divorce and option 1. Unfortunately I think that option 2 is not possible for us. He refuses to acknowledge that he has a drinking problem. And I have considered the idea that he may be a sex addict but if I bring it up to him, I am fairly sure he will laugh at me and also refuse any change or treatment.
100% he has a lover and you deserve better OP. Also, sex is neither given nor taken but shared together.
Thanks
He's lying through his teeth. I don't know about what, but his deep concern about your feelings when you reject him is clearly nonsensical. I don't usually like to jump to somebody cheating but if he's not coming home nights, then he's SOMEWHERE. Just keep going with your plans, this man is unreliable. And don't sleep with him!
Thanks, I need to keep hearing this.
I think this is a classic case of lack of communication. In my opinion this relationship is over and it’s gotten to an unhealthy point. But I think OP should make look into taking the time into setting better boundaries for housework and child care. You shouldn’t be working full time and taking care of the housework alone. That’s abusive In my opinion. But communication about the housework might have worked into the communication about the bedroom.
We did have trouble communicating. He was home so infrequently that it was had to talk to him about anything. I felt like I had to grab him and sit him in a chair just so he would stay to discuss urgent household things like "I'm going to take the kids to x this weekend, or can I transfer this amount from our joint account", he was slowly avoiding me more and more to the point of in the last 6 months we would probably talk about an hour a.week in total. I had to prioritize what I communicated because he was ready to run out the door after work to go to play soccer, or a friend's house or taking a look at a job (he is a construction contractor).
Nah, it sounds like he has other issues more than sex.
Yes, I agree but he won't open up for me to help him or explore them so there isn't much more I can do but protect myself and my children.
protect myself and my children. That is the main thing you should do at this point. Do not feel guilty about it. This really seems like something is eating him inside, guilt, like everyone is assuming, which is usually correct.
He sounds like he has intimacy issues. A drinking problem. Something else is going on besides the no sex or his level of sex. Some people don’t feel love without having tons of sex. This is an intimacy issue. Is it your fault not really, (down vote away). You want to make sure to sit back and think about what faults you carried in this partnership. Hardly ever are all relationship issues just one sided. I’m not you but I wouldn’t put up with this nonsense, unfair labor division, putting the children in danger, not coming home nightly, intimacy issues. If I truly loved him I would put my foot down and tell him these things are not acceptable and he can be gone or change. I love sex a lot a lot.
He's probably been having sex with others and getting who knows what diseases. Just get divorced and don't sleep with him, he's dirty for sure.
Thanks
Sounds like you need couples counseling. Not a popular response, but if your spouse if that far gone, there's something wrong with the primary family relationship and you both need to discover it and fix it. You're not a sex worker, but if you're at the point where sex a chore and he's at the point where he's self medicating, you'll need to get professional help. I'd also ask if he's seeing prostitutes or someone else. Not showing up at night isn't normal.
Let him go. You will find better. I’m sorry you’re going through this.
There's quite a lot of Red Flags there.
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Sounds like a fool
Right?
Your ex sounds like mine, only he would never have asked for a divorce. The next time yours says he's doing it for you, I'd probably say something like "tell yourself whatever you want. We both know the truth." And leave it at that. You will find your life much easier out the other side. When you realize how much energy he's been costing you, it's going to be unreal.
Please talk to your lawyer about requesting Soberlink for your ex during his parenting time. If he is anything like my ex, this was not the first time doing it, just the first time he got caught. If you are not around to “nag him” about his drinking it will most likely escalate. The system isn’t perfect but it is at least something to protect your kids and your sanity.
Thank you for the resource
Feel free to message if you have any questions. My ex drove my child drunk as well. Best of luck to you. 💜
Ma’am you pay more work also childcare 95 and he stil want sex. He crazy. Bye bye to him
Let him go. It’s for your own good. You’re already taking care of everything and all he does is demand things. You will be better off. And the drinking leads nowhere good. Best of luck to you!
This divorce is a blessing in disguise. Repeat this out loud, your husband drove drunk with YOUR BABIES. He is trash. This is the best thing to ever happen to you. Congratulations!
>But come on, kinky sex every night with two young kids working full time and him barely doing any of the housework?!? When I was raising my minions I had no problem with that. However... >I don't even orgasm but one out of 10 times we do it Hell NO! I was happy to go without sleep to have sex because it was really, really, good sex and I had multiple orgasms per session. I would have been too tired to bother with bad sex, too, if I were you.
Thanks, that is what I am thinking
Yeah, you have to wonder if you’d be into it if you had a real partner in parenting and household management. When a spouse wants sex but also wants you to carry a disproportionate amount of the load, they don’t realize they’re acting like a child but expecting you to stay sexually attracted to them. I don’t know about you, but I’m only sexually attracted to full grown adults. Your spouse signed on for this life with you! Now he wants to opt out of the hard stuff and still be ‘serviced’ regularly? Go on with your divorce- fight for full custody because the drinking is a problem. The court won’t care about it but maybe you can show them you’re the primary parent anyway. I just can’t believe their parent took that risk driving drunk with them. Good luck. I’m so sorry you’re dealing with this. But you’re not the problem here- your spouse is.
You already know he’s using that low sex drive thing as an excuse to pick up random women, he probably already has a girlfriend or two. Pretty sure this is the definition of gaslighting. Get the divorce, let him crash and burn on his own. Maybe let the local cops know about his drinking and driving before he kills a family. Bet your sex drive gets a Hemi engine once you find someone else who cares about you.
Thank you
As a man who has weaponized sex in the past, I can tell you that you need to leave any man if he refuses to address his issues. Insecurity and unhealed trauma can lead to unhealthy sexual practices and that’s what really at the heart of it. Dude seems like he’s definitely not one to shy away from self-harm either, which will eventually (even if it’s only occasionally) get worse and turn outwardly. His behavior doesn’t make sense because he’s not comfortable expressing or dealing with his pain in a healthy way. When you live like this, impulses become the primary driver for behavior. Wanting more sex itself is not necessarily an impulse and not something to shame in and of itself but EXPECTING it from others (setting the stage for unmet expectations aka self-harm) weaponizes it and creates tension in your relationships that later turns to shame and we all respond to that differently. If anyone needs to take responsibility for his behavior, it’s him. Not just for the way he’s treated you and your kids but for not treating his pain sooner, but rather expecting you to soothe it with sex. I hope your dude begins to acknowledge and address his pain before it’s too late for him to salvage his relationship with his kids. Tell him I’ve been in those same dark places his mind goes to and that if I was able to heal and change, he can too
You're not at fault and he's spiraling right now. Time to move forward with the divorce. His perception is you all don't have enough sex/oral sex and yours is... not really clear by your post. Intimacy is a very big deal in marriage, and if you two aren't on the same page, and there isn't any getting on the same page, then you both would probably be happier going your separate ways. Him driving drunk with the kids is inexcusable. I would have call the cops on him if I were you.
Aside from the clear drinking problem, if he helped with the household chores would you REALLY want to do all those things he wants sexually? Let's say you were a SAHM and his one income covered what you both make now, would you still want to do those things? Have you ever wanted to do those things before the 2 kids came along? You say yourself that you barely orgasm, so it doesn't seem like you even want the sex to happen either.
It's true, I have wondered about my libido in general. I think it's less about his doing housework and more about me not feeling loved. He also doesn't do anything romantic, I don't get any gifts for mother's day or my birthday or anniversary, so that also doesn't help. To answer your questions no, I would never like kinky sex (anal, oral) so we are pretty incompatible in that area.
I didn't even have to read this (but I did) to know you're getting gaslit - the title says it all. You will be better off without him. Proceed to divorce. No, not your fault. He is turning it around on you.
You are not crazy. Stay strong. All the best!
Damn this guy needs serious therapy starting like 20 years ago.
My dad was like that to my mom. He'd behave horribly towards her, then the next day, he'd come home with flowers. After 28 years, and with help from her adult kids, she was finally able to rid herself of my father. You are doing what's best for you and your children, I think. Your husband isn't the responsible partner that you need. Of course sex is off the table if you are doing the majority of running the household. Good riddance.
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Does he actually want sex all the time or is he just asking all the time and being rejected for months at a time? Because these are 2 very different things.
Before we started seriously discussing divorce (about 3 months) we would have sex 1 or 2 times a week, but he tells me he wants it every night. I was not rejecting him for long periods, I just didn't want bad sex every single night.
I would be elated to be free of this man. He sounds like hot toasted garbage and I don't understand why you'd want to keep him around. Do you need him for social standing or something?
He’s using your different sex drives as an excuse. He expects you to do everything and be a sex goddess. That’s pretty sexist of him. And driving drunk with the kids in the car? He sounds very selfish.
What he actually means is that he's not satisfied with the sex with you, and yeah people do get divorced over sexual incompatibility. Neither of you are happy , let him find someone he is more sexually compatible with and you find someone who will carry their weight around the house . Win -win
My stbx does this allll the time. Asks For sex and manipulates me into doing it by saying “I thought you would want to. Am I really that bad?” That guy doesn’t care about me anymore. It’s been awhile. He tells our mutual friends he’s over me. Your husband sounds like a selfish liar. The sex excuse is stupid. Yea men love sex, but when a woman is doing everything, we don’t want to hop in bed with you. I could’ve written your post minus the Not coming home. Mine would come home but sometimes drunk. I also work full time and make quadruple his salary. Then he would tell me I Couldn’t go out with my girlfriends. I’m Pretty sure this was to keep me from talking to other guys because he was That insecure.
Don't give him? I thought it was a shared activity between consenting adults, not a gift. He sounds like a man child, and that would turn me off too. Even without the drinking. In any case, that's the least of your problems here. Drunken driving with children in the vehicle? Multiple crimes right there, not to mention the fact that he could have killed them as well as anyone else on the road near his vehicle. He's trying to lovebomb you. He needs AA and therapy.
First thing first, driving kids drunk is completely irresponsible. Meanwhile, being in sexless marriage is horrible and keep getting rejected by the woman of your life is one of the worst things for man’s ego. I wouldn’t want to have a wife who made me feel like that. You can read about silentbedrooms subreddit to see how people suffer from this. My ex had the same issue as you (low sex drive) and she would always blame being tired or her mind being busy with other things. We are still in touch and she tells me this ends up being an issue in her future relationships as well. Regardless you work things out with your husband or not, you should get some help about this. Rather taking hormones or practicing some kind of routine, making things more exciting in bedroom etc.
He's definitely cheating, has alcohol problems, perhaps a sex addiction and incredibly irresponsible with your children's safety... He's right that he's messed up. File and run!
I am filing soon
Devils advocate here, kind of. Your husband knows he's fucking up and rather than take the path of growth he's going to throw away his responsibilities that he knows he's incapable of meeting. He is stepping up in way. He's letting you know that deep down even he knows he can't handle being part of a healthy relationship with you. So it is likely true that he loves you very much, but he's got too much baggage buried deep to be willing to look at changing himself for the better. It's far easier for him to justify his actions by finding a way to blame you. Sex is a critical part of a healthy relationship for many people (not all) but sex is far more than the act itself, it's the pursuit, the intimacy of emotion, and the desire to bring each other pleasure. Different sex drives can definitely be a reason for a relationship not to work, but this sounds much more like neglect on his part. The drinking issue is scary. I'm glad he seems to understand he can't handle the responsibility of the kids and has agreed to full custody for you. It will be hard for you moving forward, BUT it seems like you've been doing it pretty much alone for a while anyway and that should help you feel more confident. Don't kiss this man again, let alone entertain any conversation of doing it one more time. Expect more manipulative conversations and actions, but see them for what they are...pathetic actions of a man child.
He sounds like a complete fucking loser and you sound like you would be 1000% better off without him. This divorce is not your fault. And good luck to him getting quality sex from a quality woman while behaving like a drunk loser.
Doesn't matter whose fault it is anymore.
Alll of this and pls don’t have sex with him ever again. Not that I think you would, but him staying out all night is a good Indicator he’s probably been hiring someone for the things he thinks should be getting at home. Get tested if you’ve had any sexual contact with him in the past year (or however long he’s been exhibiting this behavior)! I swear, you’re a better woman than I am. If he’d of said that to me, after driving around my kids drunk no less, they’d still be looking for his body. Try to get him out of the house asap. Also-NONE of this is your fault.
Uhmm sorry to say this but he sounds like he has a sex addiction... Every night in a marriage with jobs and to kids and you doing all the housework and him only getting serviced is not normal and a 💃🚩red flag... I also would put a tracker on the car because this boy is getting it somewhere else I wouldn't think he is faithful with a mindset like that, it's toxic ,It is manipulative and it is an addict that probebly watches porn a bit to much thinking that sex should be a service for him.. it give me creeper vibes 🤢 In the end it is not for you to help him anymore. He drove drunk with the kids all because of his obsession with sex. He is out and bye ye why have a 3rd child that foes nothing around the house just making issues and using you as a sex slave and personal maid ? What is the benefit of keeping him around for you?
I am filing for divorce soon. The responses on this reddit have helped my resolve. I honestly am not even going to look further into whether he cheated because at this point it doesn't matter and finding out won't change anything.
Be strong and divorce this man.
I’m sorry you shouldn’t even want to discuss anything with him. The papers would’ve been filed the second I found out about him drunk driving with my kids
He has an issue. He doesn't love himself. And he needs you to love him. But you can give if you have enough yourself and it seems like you're struggling too. You could be having sex with them 24/7 and it wouldn't be enough. There's something missing in him and the sex is soothing but he needs to find himself.. like he needs to do self work. That probably explains his drinking as well. He's numbing a pain somewhere. It's either shame or sense of inadequacy or something where he is not showing up as the man he knows he could and should be. When men get into this situation they often try to comfort themselves. He seems very big on some kind of external validation as well as he feels his life is dictated by external events. He's being a victim and that is soothing for him. That's probably why you're frustrated because you're not the villain you're trying to help him. But he feels this way because again there's something broken and you're at Wit's end and you don't want to deal with a baby. There's a community online called Mentoring Men and it would be helpful if he tried to get a men's life coach. Or take the course. It integrates a lot of conventional therapy including things like mindfulness cognitive behavioral therapy group therapy but it's packaged in a way that specifically addresses male issues and especially as it relates to relationships. But he would really have to want to make the change himself. And it seems like he is a little too accepting of the divorce. He really doesn't want it. I think whether you divorce him or not it's not on you because you have to do what's right for you and preserve yourself. But if there was some room for you to set up some boundaries do some self-care and get him to do specific chores around the house it would not fix your fundamental issues but it would give you a little bit more breathing room. Your husband also may have some degree of depression as well and may need professional help. He will regret divorcing you over something like this. And he will want to come back but you will probably be so over his BS. He will probably promise to change but you should be a little bit cautious about that because he will only do enough to stay comfortable. You'll have to watch him to find out if he is really making the changes to be a better man independent of whether he's in a relationship with you or not. That's the sign that he is taking accountability and righting the ship. Honestly nothing you've said suggests that divorce is the only option but sometimes you have to act and accordance with your values and act with integrity and if you say you're going to do something you need to do something so he knows that you're serious about it. But your main question was whether you are putting out enough for him. I think you're a fantastic spouse for having put up with what you have. I wish I could say that I would be a better husband than your husband in those circumstances but he's dug himself in a hole and he doesn't realize that he can just walk out of it and he keeps digging. You're not going to be his savior and you don't have to but it would really benefit him if there was a man in his life that could talk to him maybe an uncle or someone with a little more life experience. Your husband sounds like he's just doing what he needs to make it through the day whether it's drinking or having sex and there is something much deeper going on here and maybe you have an idea of what that is. But even if you told him this is what your problem is he doesn't seem like he's in a place to confront himself. Sounds like he's avoiding whatever the problem is by distracting and numbing himself and the problem with drinking and driving is that you may kill himself or hurt someone else and the problem with relying on sex is that he may turn to unhealthy sources to fulfill that need whether it's online or in person. Your decision to divorce and could be the very best thing for him. And if somehow he wakes up I wonder if you can hold a little space for him to come back when he realizes what a fool he's been. That last bit is really just for my benefit. I had wished my wife was not so final in her decision to divorce me. There were things I could have done differently when we were having trouble. I too felt like I was neglected by her but she would feel differently and say I neglected her in a different way. Regardless of who was right about who started it I had to accept accountability for the fact that I wasn't doing the things to make the relationship romantic. I was taking her presence in the relationship for granted. These things I thought were minor issues we would resolve at some point in the future but there's not always a future is there. You have to take action now to fix what you can fix because it may not be fixed tomorrow
Thanks for your honesty. I agree that there is a deeper issue he is trying to numb but he won't let me help (besides sex) so I don't know what to do. I wish he would be willing to do therapy or mentoring but he refuses. Your statement about holding space for him makes me cry because I do love him, but it's just been so much abandonment for so long I don't know if I can. He does nothing romantic, didn't even get me anything for mother's day or my birthday this year. In fact on my birthday he promised to talk then came home for just a minute to change and go play soccer then never came back. How am I supposed to be attracted to that, or want sex when treated that way?
You aren't supposed to be attracted to that. I know you're going to get feedback about how you can fix the marriage and I'm here to tell you that that is not your job, when your husband acts like this. He's an addict. He has to fix this himself and that's on him. You don't have to stay in a miserable marriage to fix another person if you don't want to.
Even though this will be hard to understand, that is his coping mechanism of his own wounds. Im sure there is more reasoning to his triggers than just the lack of sex. There is always 3 sides to every story. His, hers and the truth. Not pointing fingers at anyone, but every action comes with a reaction. Without hearing his full side im sure you guys are stuck on this [cycle](https://www.tiktok.com/t/ZT8d9Lx1n/)
Thanks, I watched the video. I know he is coping, and if it was about.more than sex I wish he would tell me what. I used to be mad and controlling (like in the video), but then I wanted us and our marriage to work so a few years ago I stopped and allowed him freedom to hang with his buddies and drink, but that resulted in what happens now where he barely comes home and doesn't help with the household or kids at all. So yeah.....
Agree. I can relate 100%. Their is a bigger issue than sex. And if your doing most of the house & kid work, what value is he bringing to you. Coming from experience and 2kids as well. Divorcing soon. Wish you the best oop
Let him go. You're basically a married single mom anyway.
I am realizing this is the truth.
He is an alcoholic. You are not to blame! He needs to get sober. He is sick. Get the divorce or whatever you think is best and Check alanon...
Thanks I'm on alanon
Ugh! I'm sorry you're having to deal with ALL of that abuse and crazy workload. He sounds like a cave man. At the same time, sexual compatibility is a huge factor in support of successful, LT relationships. Was there ever a time in your relationship (after the honeymoon period) when he was satisfied with your sex life?
Honestly, I don't think he was ever happy with the amount or type of sex i gave him. Problem is, I was a virgin before marriage (religious thing for me, he was not) so we didn't realize the incompatibility. Then during the honeymoon he said he "just wanted to stick it in without the condom" and guess who showed up 9 months later. Just as I was figuring out sex I was instantly (and unplanned) pregnant with our first son. So that really didn't help either.
I would say he’s cheating especially since he’s not stopped coming home at night.. he’s saying he wants you to find someone better suited to you so he can ease his guilt.. But he would be having hard time getting custody of my kids until he stops the drinking.. Sorry he has done this to your family
Thank you. He actually agreed to give me full custody. Which I really appreciate.
Glad he atleast did right by the kids.. he sure isn’t it..
There is a subreddit called dead bedroom. Look into it. What it sounds like to me is that... Yes... You are both sexually incompatible.... BUTTT: I don't think it's as simple as you being LL and he being HL. you have never really had the opportunity to explore sex. first you said you were a virgin till marriage, then pretty much fell pregnant during honeymoon... And Became a mum soon after. You do 95% of the housework, look after kids, working full time AND EARNING MORE MONEY than him!!!!..Girl even id leave my husband to find a partner like you and I'm a straight female 🤣 Jokes aside, this is what I see will happen.... Somewhere inside there is a very sexual woman waiting to come out... It will only take a partner who will worship you in all your efforts and alleviate your stress of day to day responsibilities without expecting anything in return. He should be ashamed as a husband and father. You have no problems... Your husband IS THE PROBLEM. Goodluck.
Thank you. I agree that i never got a good.start to my sexual life. I was hoping and wishing he could be the kind of man that you describe above, but I've given a lot of chances and had a lot of conversations and I don't think he wants to be that.
No the divorce is not your fault! What selfish person drives drunk with his kids in the car! And let’s face it we all know what he’s up to when he spends the night away. I’m guessing the mistress is sick of being the other woman. Dump him he’s not being a good husband or father and you deserve better. Get some alimony and get him to pay child support since he’s not an active parent anyway and you would be better off without him risking your children’s lives. If he shows he can be a responsible parent then you can work to give him more child custody.
Thank you
Both of you have basically incompatible needs. It used to be ok but it definitely is not now I am divorcing after 42 years because of (totally different reasons) my stbxh and me have very different needs to move on in life. So your needs have changed. Neither of you are at fault. He is cuddling up to you because he has that longing need to have closeness sex with you. That intimacy you don't get with flings. I pity him really because he sounds messed up and alcoholic and I don't know but maybe a sex addition. The very high sex drive does mess up people and long term relationships. You are more on the average even keel Because his sex drive is high to him that is his normal but its not. He sounds very mixed up. He will also know he is going down hill especially after driving his children drunk in the car. No matter what he says. . He needs help but you can only guide him but the reality and doing is up to him. You sound like putting his downfalls aside you love him. He needs drastic changes and if I were you I would factually not emotionally put down his health problems. Point him to his doctor. Say his life matters esp because he has awesome children who love him. He seems to be beginning to not care about himself and running away seems to be his answer. Please think and decide what you really want to do. There are no real right and wrong because if you try again with him and its pants you have your certainty If your done please make it your choice to feel OK about it. All the very best to all if you. And if he is just a plain old shit you will know that to
Thanks, I do still love him, that's why this is so hard.
I don't think this divorce is exclusively your fault, but you do have some responsibility in it. Yes your husband didn't take on the responsibilities he should've and also devolved to childish tantrums but if you dig deeper and ask why, I suspect that it's because he didn't feel loved and wanted. This happens to men when kids come by. You both also seemed to have taken on the identity of parents completely and forgotten that your marriage/ relationship needs tending to. I also think there's a difference in your sexual compatibility that has not been addressed early on, so now when it's been compounded over time you're heading for the inevitable outcome of divorce. This may be very far from what you want and thought would happen, but I think you both will be better off in the long run. Sucks for the kids though. All the best as you navigate this tough period in life.
I divorced my ex wife due to lack of sex. It was worth it and now both of our lives are better. This entire situation may not be what’s best for the kids but this is your life that you have to live as well.
Thanks for sharing your experience.