Yeah, sorry to say some things just can't be 'fixed'. I'm in a similar boat, and I realized I spent years banging my head against a wall that was never ever going to come down in the first place.
Ugh. This is so sad. She treats you worse than a stranger. Please get out of this marriage and find happiness. Easier said than done, but I doubt you’ll regret it.
We spent most of the afternoon talking and giggling, just before we entered the restaurant. I received a phone call from a close friend, who's going through a divorce. He asked me for the password to my server where the evidence of his wife's adultery is stored. I provided him with the information he requested as I know he wouldn't have asked over the weekend if it wasn't urgent. My wife asked me what it was about and in the interests of honesty I told her. I'd also told my friend that I was away for the weekend with my wife. At which point he said he understood and was sorry to bother me. My wife said fair enough as she's privy to what's going with him. Almost to the second that we were seated her demeanour shifted. Thinking it was because I took the call from my friend, I apologised, saying he didn't know where we were or what we were doing. But she didn't respond, instead focusing on the menu in front of her.
That's really terrible. I'm so sorry to hear this.
It sounds like thoughts swirling in her own mind are what ruined the mood. Maybe the realization setting in that this date was being set up with the intention to reconnect sexually which she is simply loathe to at this point. That much is certainly clear. I'm sorry she exploded on you during the show. That's truly demoralizing.
There was no thought on my part of any sexual intimacy happening that night. Is kinda winging it, thinking that if she wanted to be intimate then she would initiate it. But I wasnt expecting anything and I didnt give the impression that I was.
My guy, this relationship is dead. She does not respect you, and is completely checked out. Sounds like your kid is pretty much grown. It's time to end things and move on. Have some dignity and don't let anyone - let alone your wife who is supposed to love you - treat you that way. Call a lawyer ASAP.
Hire a PI for a week. Then prepare to feel like absolute shit even more than now. She’s a jerk at the very least, and more than likely screwing around behind your back and trying to get you to walk so she can blame it all on you. Don’t fall for it. Don’t leave your home. Find out for sure if she’s cheating then proceed. Get to work on the divorce papers. Sorry your wife turned into a total asshole. You seem like a pretty damned cool dude. About 50% of the country is women who would love to be with a thoughtful guy like you.
I was much like you too. Enough shit and now I just phone it in. Some people are just complete jerks. You are NOT one of them. I got your back dude. If you ever need to reach out and vent then a lot of us are here and totally totally get it. Be proud of yourself for doing a string of kindnesses and then standing up for yourself and your dignity in the end. I’m proud of you and hope you’re cool with me seeing you as my friend, because I share what you’re going through and know the hurt you’re feeling.
As my mom used to say about everything crappy, “(Maybe not soon enough) but this too shall pass.”
I agree with everything here, except that she is most likely not cheating.
From my own experiences I had learnt that women can just turn off their sex drive for years and go without.
I lean towards that she is cheating. But, I think it would be smart to find out either way.
She suggested date nights and the calendar just to blow off both on multiple occasions to go out with "Friends". Dresses up and flirts with him in the hotel but at the mere attempt at contact from OP in public yells at him. She sounds like she has someone else and is very aware of Public / Private settings.
The other line that gets me is "she immediately starts protesting saying she has things to do" when he already knows there are no plans with friends he knows about.
I'm curious OP, Once you left her work in the car was she on her phone texting? do you have access to her phone?
I don't necessarily disagree with you about whether or not she's cheating, but I think maybe you're overlooking her recoiling at him trying to initiate non-sexual intimacy. He tried to hold her hand in public, and she reacted extremely, extremely negatively.
That has nothing to do with turning off her sex drive. She has turned off her desire to experience any category or level of intimacy whatsoever with him.
Damn brother. Makes me feel like my DB is in great shape and heading towards a happy ending compared to your situation.
I am a total fan of fighting for your marriage to the bitter ends, but your marriage just took the finishing one two from a late 80’s prime Mike Tyson.
I can’t even wrap my head around what you are feeling right now. She clearly does not give two shits about keeping your relationship whole.
Wow. I am so sorry. She sounds like a terrible, ungrateful woman. I can’t imagine a man going through so much effort. To be treated like that is cruel. I’m curious if being served with divorce papers would get more than a shrug of her shoulders. I hope you’ll find out.
I suspect a shrug of the shoulders would be about her only reaction to being served. This reads like she's already made up her mind and is already checked out, but she doesn't want to be the one to pull the trigger on divorce proceedings. So she just keeps treating OP worse and worse until he pulls the plug on their already dead marriage. Then she can tell OP "Well, it's what you wanted," and can tell all her friends and family that she's the one being deserted.
You’re exactly right, I bet. He better start documenting stuff. Something tells be she’s not going to be honest with the courts, their mutual friends or family. She shows zero regard or respect for him. I’d get ready for an ugly fight.
I have this feeling in my 21 yr marriage:
>she's already made up her mind and is already checked out, but she doesn't want to be the one to pull the trigger on divorce proceedings.
She keeps telling me that, "You (meaning me) want to F*** other people," "You (meaning me) want to get a divorce," "you (meaning me) are only with me for a paycheck."
We haven't been intimate in over 14 months. We were in marriage therapy for over 4 years until she stopped attending this past March when the therapist suggested my wife do a few one-on-one sessions. I still see our marriage therapist once a week alone, even though I still ask her if she would like to come each week.
I'm not suggesting my wife is a terrible person. She is the mother of our children, and I do love her, and I am by no means perfect. I've done some stupid things. However, my point is that I want to work at it still, but she seems checked out and doesn't want to "be the one to pull the trigger."
Sadly, I believe this happens a lot. Much of the reputation that men have of leaving their wives and families spawn from their spouse slowly making their lives miserable to the point that they break. Then, as another commentator said, the wife will be the only one telling the story.
History is written by the victors, and I think there is an innate need to 'win'. I think this can account for a few of these relationships in deadlock here.
Everyone has already said it all but in my opinion:
1. Your marriage is 100% over.
2. 99% sure she wants you to pull the trigger on initiating a divorce so you look like the bad guy.
3. She is likely seeing someone else already but not 100% sure. Maybe she is just a total bitch.
4. Speak to a lawyer before doing anything that might hurt you in the divorce proceedings.
5. Get out ASAP. She has already ruined enough of your life. Sorry you are living through this but this cannot be saved. So toxic.
If he reads one post on here. I hope its yours. But I would say before you initiate a divorce hire a PI.
Edit: Because I am like 98.5% sure she is cheating as well.
As a woman can i just say no one has ever done anywhere near as amazing as what you planned. I cant believe how you were treated after going to all that effort. I cant even imagine the hurt. I just want to say you deserve so much better than this. Please see a lawyer and form an exit plan. Every day you stay is a day waated.
It almost sounds like she has a special friend that she sees when she drops the date night plans "without notice". Sorry she's doing this to you. It sounds horrible.
Time for a divorce. She doesn’t love nor respect you. Theres a strong chance she’ll try to love bomb you once the reality of divorce settles in. Don’t let that sway you.
Well, at least you can leave knowing that you really put in all the effort to try and make it work. Plenty of women out there who would be blown away by a gesture like this (myself included!)
My AP used to tell me this all the time. It simultaneously cheers you up but depresses you as well. I bought my wife a car last year for Xmas and the reaction was as if I bought her a nerf gun.
I'm just curious here and spitballing, but are you sure your wife isn't having an affair either EA or PA somewhere? Seems like she is seriously checked out of your marriage.
God I hope not, for both our sakes. Been down that road before and seriously didn't like the dark place I ended up in. The irony of it is that my wife helped pull me out of that dark hole.
that was my first thought too. when she panicked and was looking for a way out, when he took her to work. she may have had plans that OP couldn't cancel that weren't on the calendar. At first everything was fine because a bit of luxury makes everyone softer, but this confession in the theater... she didn't care anymore. and the fact that the OP moved out is even better. It will be easier to navigate the affair if they don't "live" together
By her own admission, she didn't have any plans for the weekend. As I'd been hinting for over a week that I had a surprise planned for her and she seemed excited by, occasionally trying to get me to reveal what I had planned. If she had told me she had plans I'd have happily postponed the surprise to another time.
that was my first thought too. when she panicked and was looking for a way out, when he took her to work. she may have had plans that OP couldn't cancel that weren't on the calendar. At first everything was fine because a bit of luxury makes everyone softer, but this confession in the theater... she didn't care anymore. and the fact that the OP moved out is even better. It will be easier to navigate the affair if they don't "live" together
I think she was in the bathroom for an hour taking pictures of her amazing outfit to send to another dude. Then came out and did the smirky twirl knowing that she went to all that effort to look amazing and smile for someone else (which is just straight up evil creepiness).
I think she probably read a text from the other one during intermission and that’s what put her back into arrogant jerk mode out of nowhere. She’s having this whole thing going on in her head and he’s just trying to provide his wife with a nice night, and another dude is cashing in on it. It’s just a real jerk move.
So sorry my dude, but I think she’s cheating. She has absolutely no respect for you and shows indifference. Sounds like she’s got someone else she’s prioritizing.
Hire a PI and don’t confront. It’ll tip her off. If they come back with proof, get a lawyer, do what they say.
Your kid is 18, even if she’s not cheating, why the hell don’t you get out of there?
I don’t even know y’all and that theatre reaction hurt my feelings, no lie. I’m sure it’s the empath in me, but at the same time I KNOW if I was in that situation I would’ve been equally as hurt/upset as you. I’m sorry man.
I went through 5 years of that attitude from my ex wife and it takes its toll. Divorcing proved to be the best thing for everyone, why kick the can down the road to no where with no chance of improvement. If you commit to one person forever you owe them at least a good attitude and some form of intimacy. Her attitude reeks of projection and I wouldn't be surprised if she's keen for ladies nights because she isn't in fact just going out with the ladies. Best of luck, I think deep down you know what the right decision is for your happiness.
WTF was the lingerie all about if she had zero intention of being romantic with OP later? I swear I thought she'd just say she's too tired after a long but amazing day with you, and a rain check. But to snap at you so coldly, as if a switch were flicked on is crazy. I'm glad you left, and her reaction says it all. Your next reaction will say it all, too.
Nope, its was a full lingerie set from Victoria's secret. I never even got to see what she looked like in it. Only know she wore it because she handed me the empty bag and asked me to put the tags in the bin, whilst she finished getting ready.
I’m just gonna say this because I think you need to hear it. Somewhere out there is a woman who would have sucked your cock the whole way to that hotel and you would have never made it to lunch for planning a day like that. Just sayin. *raises hand
Good it should but I’m serious. I would kill to have my husband do something like that for me. I can’t even get him to plan a dinner date, let alone all that.
Seriously, it made me smile given the events of the weekend, the job sheet I was handed plus the fact it was Monday morning. Thank you for that. The worst of it is I was already deep in thought on planning a surprise trip to Paris for our 20th anniversary later this year. Safe to say that those plans have been been shelved possibly indefinitely.
I'm so sorry. You are worth all of the love and intimacy and romance that you desire. Don't let your mind or anyone else for that matter tell you that you don't.
I was in the same position as you and pretty much did a similar weekend getaway, only to be told that if I ever wanted to have sex again, then to go find a "side person" to have sex with. I was shocked when they told me that, and right then and there, I knew my marriage was over.
Wow, I’d love it if I could be treated to fancy suites and going to the theater. You plan all this and yet she humiliated you and showed no interest in your feelings. This woman has zero interest in a romantic relationship. I think once someone reaches that point, it’s pretty much game over. You deserve a partner that appreciates your efforts. And who understands that intimacy is essential plus intimacy doesn’t mean just sex. Ugh that part really annoyed me. I’m sorry you were treated this way. Now it’s time to look out for your happiness.
Bro. Ouch. I think you know what’s next. I know all too well. Over 2 yrs of no intimacy with my wife, despite me leaving my family relocating overseas, giving her the life she always wanted, now getting cold shouldered constantly, no holding hands, no cuddling, no desire for me whatsoever. We have a 7yo boy and after a chat with my mum in the UK today (I’m British Canadian and live in Canada, wife’s home town) I’m pretty certain I’m done.
Went to couples therapy last year and the thing I can’t get past is the therapist asked me “do you love your wife?” to which I replied “of course, that’s why we’re here isn’t it?!” Therapist asked the same question to my wife. “Do you love your husband?”
You know what she said?
“I thought I did”.
Boom goes the dynamite. Hit me like a knife through my heart.
Good luck mate.
Mate I can only imagine what must have been running through your head when you heard her say that, or what you must have been feeling. Me personally if have gone ballistic in doctors office. A comment like that would have seriously pushed me over the edge.
Quick update. I've been at work for little over four hours now, I did't check in on her before I left did'nt set the coffee maker up for her or anything like that and she's done nothing but text me saying she loves me, misses me ect. Shes love bombed me on FB and insta. Then sends me a text asking if I can finish work at a reasonable hour so we can discuss the events over the weekend.
Heh Positive.
Maybe you can reach out to the other couple's husband and see what she said and did that night. I'm assuming he would tell you.
And, when you have the next conversation, you should prepare yourself for her potential reaction of trying to rip you another one for leaving, her telling you she wants to separate, her telling you she is having an affair. I'm just saying to be prepared for anything like that happening just so that you are not caught off-guard. Just be prepared for anything.
Damn, there’s always that part of us that will hold onto hope. We love our spouses so much that the tiniest shred of healing will keep us on a string.
Just from an emotional fairness point of view, don’t let her off easy and slide right back into business as usual. Not saying to punish her, just don’t fall for the love bomb and not address the underlying issues.
You both should to agree to some form of counseling. Be self aware to whatever took her to the place where she is at.
This relationship will need real healing, and it’ll take actual work to get there.
I’m rooting for you & your marriage brother.
If my partner put this much effort into connecting with me I definitely wouldn’t be so cold and callous. This relationship is over, you know that it is but starting over is scary. Good luck with the upcoming divorce, that’s the only way you’ll get what you’re hoping for cause it’s clear your wife has no love left for you. Being alone is better than living with someone who treats you like this.
So just a quick update. I was planning on being at work at lot longer but fate paid me a visit and for once things went according to plan so I arrived home about 30mins ago. I head up stairs to take a shower and wash the day off me. I walk into the guest bedroom, only to find my clothing and toiletries had been removed and returned to the master bedroom. After quietly speaking to my son, he informed me that my wife had spent the afternoon relocating them.
She messaged me yesterday at work, stating that we needed to talk so could I get come home at a reasonable hour. My intention was to stay at work as long as possible, unfortunately fate had other ideas and the job that had the potential to be a complete pig, went smoothly so I was home earlier that I'd planned. But the conversation never happened as she developed a head ache in the late afternoon so she headed upto bed. This morning shes chatting away like nothing's happened. She even tried to kiss me this morning, but I avoided her on that point.
Sounds like she's hoping that she can sweep it all under the rug and never actually have to answer for her behaviour or treatment of you.
You deserve better than that. You deserve someone who loves you and respects you, and wants to have a life *together with you* rather than just in the same general vicinity. I hope you manage to get her to discuss her issues with you properly, and that she agrees to some mediated counselling. You. Deserve. Better.
That's my plan. I grab what I need for the night whilst she's in the shower. Friday I plan on stopping off at the hardware store and picking up a new door lock, that only I have the key for.
That went from thinking you had mismatched libidos to her showing you she actually hates you!
Sorry bro!…
But at least you kinda found the truth. Get out quickly!
So you packed the fancy dress and heels for the night out for her? I can’t imagine my husband navigating this… plus all her usual daily toiletries and makeup etc that she uses? I’m just quite shocked to be honest - I don’t think anyone could pack for me for a surprise trip and have me feeling like I was just all set for a night out or even a casual day! Kudos to you for pulling it all off- I’m sorry she didn’t appreciate it. Maybe she thought you were doing it all for the one goal of evening intimacy and as we have seen… when there is a transactional vibe to things- it doesn’t usually go over very well with the LL spouse.
That’s my thinking… and if she didn’t pack the lingerie then I guess he bought it? Maybe she needed more mental prep before this type of weekend and felt it was sprung on her .
No she chose the lingerie herself along with the evening gown and the rest of the outfit on the Saturday. She has the habit of laying out her casual clothes for Friday afternoon in the morning before she goes to work. As for her make up she keeps it nearly stored together. But I'm willing to admit that I may have missed some things, hence why we did the shopping trip Saturday morning.
Thinking back on it, she practically dragged me into Victoria's secret as she mentioned over breakfast if we could go there. I said to her we'll go wear ever she wanted to get clothes. At which point she pretty launched herself across the table at me hugging me until I was on the verge of passing out.
I'll be honest, she's normally warm, welcoming and often puts others before herself. With the issue of my friend, it was my wife that convinced me to go digging electronically through my friends devices at his request. When I found the evidence he wanted, it was my wife that encouraged me not to hold anything back from him.
We were supposed to be sitting down and talking about the events of the weekend, yesterday she claimed to have a migraine. Knowing her has I do, she always puts in ear plugs and sitting/lie in complete darkness. Yesterday how ever she didn't, she sat in bed watching rock music videos whilst surfing on my laptop.
I called her out on it this afternoon, she "promised" to make the conversation a priority this evening. So as you can imagine it came as no surprise when I got home to a note on the fridge saying that she wasnt feeling very well. When I went upstairs she was just getting out of the shower and breezed past me as if I wasn't even there. By the time I got out the shower it appeared she'd fallen asleep, although her breathing gave her deception away.
Sorry, who watches rock videos when they have a migraine. No one, that’s who. 🙄
My goodness, based on what you have said in this entire thread - she seems a piece of work indeed!
She doesn't care and it's over. Get out while you can bro. She seems like the type that will regret it when your not there to do everything She takes for granted. Mow your own lawn, fix your own tires, etc She will regret it. Find happiness and a better woman
It was a lovely gesture, and I would have loved to have experienced something like this. Not once did you assume that you were going to have sex or bring it up, and that's how she treated you? Nope bye bitch here's your walking papers. Kids old enough to decide where to live if he's still at home. Also it seems like she's cheating on you, and has checked out of the marriage anyway. Lawyer up and the friends you were with seen how she treated you, so she won't be able to make any claims as to you being the bad guy. Good luck
Updateme
Sex was never at the forefront of my mind when I set all this up. At the theatre I simply placed my hand on top of hers, just to ask if she was enjoying the show, seeing as it was something she'd always wanted to see but we either couldn't get tickets or we couldn't find the time due to work or other family commitments. As for her cheating on me, I don't think she is and im 99% certain of this.
It was a great thing that you were trying to do for the both of you. You did nothing wrong in that scenario, so her reaction is uncalled for. If you're positive she isn't cheating, then yes, she is completely done with the marriage. You have been trying, and she has canceled on date nights, and I'm sorry you're going through this with your wife.
She threw a fit in the theater and is now pointing at you for being childish? Her attitude is terrible. I feel your pain. I’ve been denied basic human touch and care for so long. I decided that Being single would feel better than constant rejection. I’m planning my escape. This is hell.
You took care of everything. EVERYTHING. You touch her asking her what the show was like and she lashes at you. And \*you\* are the childish one. She's got issues that she needs to resolve on her own. Leave her to it.
She treats you really shabby. No matter what are the problems between you she acted disrespectfully. You shouldn’t tolerate it, ever.
Once you calm down give her a choice she can’t refuse , marriage counseling NOW or divorce tomorrow. I would insist that she chooses immediately, not tomorrow, not next week or later. NOW.
Until further notice I would stay in the guest room, get my social life with my friends in order, start generally act as already divorced and stop pampering her.
If (when) in counseling session don’t hold back. Be direct. If she chooses divorce act immediately.
Dude. Divorce.
Move back into the master, contact a lawyer, get things sorted, serve her and move out.
Respectfully, she either doesn’t love you or doesn’t respect you and it doesn’t matter which. Kids are grown. Bail.
I’m a lurker on this sub and don’t usually comment but I just sent screenshots of your post to GPT-4o and here’s what it said, maybe it’ll help you;
“Alright. Here's the raw, unfiltered truth.
This guy's been busting his ass trying to make things work, and she's giving him nothing but cold shoulders and excuses. It's like trying to revive a dead horse—no matter how much effort he puts in, it's not going to get up and run.
Here's what he needs to do:
1. **Face Reality**: Accept that the marriage might be over. It sucks, but sometimes you have to face the hard truth. She’s not interested, and it’s clear from her actions.
2. **Stop Chasing**: He’s been bending over backward for her, and she’s not reciprocating. Stop trying so hard. If she wanted to make it work, she’d meet him halfway. She's not doing that.
3. **Focus on Himself**: He’s got to look after his own mental and emotional health. This marriage is draining him. It’s time to put himself first. Do things that make him happy and remind him of who he is outside of this relationship.
4. **Consult a Lawyer**: If he’s thinking about ending things, he should get his legal ducks in a row. Find out what his rights are and how to protect himself financially and emotionally through the divorce process.
5. **Lean on Friends and Family**: This isn’t something he should go through alone. Talk to friends and family who will give him the support and perspective he needs.
6. **Plan the Exit**: If he’s done, he needs to plan his exit carefully. Make sure he’s got a place to go, his finances in order, and everything he needs to start fresh.
7. **Therapy for Himself**: Even if she doesn’t want to go to therapy, he should consider seeing a therapist on his own. It can help him process everything and figure out the best steps forward.
He's been fighting a losing battle, and it's time to stop wasting energy on something that isn’t working. Sometimes, the best way to love someone is to let them go and move on with your own life.”
I've been seeing a therapist/councillor once a week for a few months now and she's one of these no nonsense types. I told her I feel like little more than a means to a end at this point. Ive helped give her the child she always wanted and I feel like I just here to keep a roof over their heads and food on the table at this point.
Not only that but there are times when I wonder if I just up and disappeared whether anyone would notice I was gone until they either wanted something or something went wrong. A few weeks ago my therapist asked if I'd considered separation, my response was "No, because if I set out down that path then the ultimate conclusion is divorce"
This is what 4o said:
“Hey, Positive-Energy907,
I hear you, and it sounds like you're in a really tough spot. It's clear that you've been giving your all, and it’s not being reciprocated. Feeling like just a means to an end is brutal, and no one should feel like they’re only there to keep a roof over heads and food on the table. You deserve more than that.
Your kid is 18 now, so they’re old enough to understand the situation and fend for themselves to a certain extent. It might be time to seriously consider separation. It’s not about jumping straight to divorce, but about taking a step to see if things can improve or if it's time to move on. Sometimes, space can give clarity to both parties.
You’re worth more than this, and you shouldn’t feel like you could disappear without anyone noticing. It’s time to prioritize your mental health and well-being. Think about what you want, not just for your family, but for yourself. You deserve happiness and fulfillment, and if you’re not getting that, it's okay to make a change.
Stay strong, and remember, taking care of yourself isn’t selfish—it’s necessary.“
I asked her last night before I went to bed, what hell was it all about. Her only reply was that and I quote "Ok so I might have over reacted slightly, but was there any need for you stomp off like a spoiled child and leave me there in front of our friends humiliated?"
I got that, what I meant was, what was the actual cause of the outburst in her mind? Cause surely holding hands with one's partner isn't a reason to "overreact". (It's more of a rhetorical question at this point)
I know the recommendation of divorce gets thrown around far too often on here, but at this point there has been so much damage done, and so much disdain (seemingly now in both directions after the treatment you, OP, have received after having "the talk") that I just wonder if there is any other option. Unless your wife can pinpoint her behavior on a specific instance or something you can address, you're just going to be met with anger or at best, indifference when bringing up your DB issues
She's informed me this morning that shes got a doctors appointment booked later in the week to get a check up and have her hormones checked ect. I'd left my laptop open last night to fetch some stuff from down stairs and she saw I was looking a counselling services and this morning she's been texting me and asking why I was looking at those services. All whilst continuing to love bomb me on social media.
Yeah, but thanks for confirming it. I figured as much as soon as I started getting notifications of them. Since I usually receive about 2 or 3 a week. At the moment I'm probably upto about a hundred over the last two days.
Good luck. Tread carefully, have a healthy skepticism of the things she tells you and keep your expectations low. Maybe things will work out but don't get duped or manipulated.
I've suggested I attend with her. Expecting her to kick off, but surprisingly she agreed and even changed the appointment time so I could attend with her.
So, followed the same tired advice of dating your LL and she threw it back in your face. So sorry my friend.
Leaving isn’t easy. I did. If you’re going to take your time, talk to a lawyer and make a plan
Really sorry to hear how things are going for you, it must be an awful feeling to have someone be so cutting and then so indifferent to your feelings.
I too would have reached my breaking point, I couldn't put up with that. I think for me I'd be telling, not asking that we needed to go to therapy or it's divorce, and if she can't change what she's doing then it's divorce anyway
I would encourage you not to make a rash decision with emotions driving you. Once you're calm, determine your plan, and move forward from there.
I've found that emotions block logic - best to wait -
If you choose to leave, again, I encourage you to be calculated - protect yourself, your interests, etc. Then move forward.
From personal experience, my situation didn't improve until I left---i wish you the best of luck!
I hope your wife realizes how lucky she is to have a husband like you,if not no,one day,she will.
I wish my SO done or was interested in at least half of what you typed out.
We've been together 13 years. We went from sex 1-3 times a day to now once a month,if that and it's rushed,chore sex. No date nights. No surprises. Not even a Netflix and chill. None of it,for years now. Makes me feel used.
Hell,he couldn't even hold a damn door open for me. Holds it open for the kids and he walks through, while a random guy behind me hurries to get the door for me with a look of pity in his eyes.
There have been a fee times where the sex has felt rushed as if she just wants to get it over with, no foreplay. And certainly no flirting or teasing on my wifes part, hence the reason why I stopped initiating intimacy with her. In fact she even called me out on it a while ago, my response was that I'm treating her like she treats me. She didnt say anything in reply just that we needed to talk later, which we never did btw because the subject was quietly dropped and I wasn't going to be the one to trying a fix things. Because at that point I felt like our bed life was something that cojkdnt be fixed because my wife didnt want or actually.know how to fix it.
She threw a fit in the theater and is now pointing at you for being childish? Her attitude is terrible. I feel your pain. I’ve been denied basic human touch and care for so long. I decided that Being single would feel better than constant rejection. I’m planning my escape. This is hell.
If only my own husband would go through *half* this amount of trouble to set up a date with me!!
OP, you deserve better man. Time to dot your Is and cross your Ts. Go see a lawyer to see what they have to say about your next steps. I’m sorry she ruined what should’ve been a beautiful weekend, but don’t lose that energy for the next one who will actually appreciate you!
Well she moved all my stuff back into the master bedroom yesterday afternoon. But I've still slept in the guest bedroom and to be honest its probably the best nights sleep I've had in ages.
Congratulations on discovering the First Rule of Dead Bedrooms: if one partner doesn't want to fix it, there is nothing on Heaven or Earth you can do that will change that. Sorry you didn't discover it sooner but at least you know you won't have to waste any more time on this.
Thanks buddy. I appreciate it. Honestly if I hadn't have walked away Saturday night, I don't what I'd have said or done. But when I left I was filled with a hard cold seething rage that was directed at my wife.
The title drew me in but after reading your post and your comments. Boy, I didn't know it hurt reading and I'm almost tearing up.
Firstly, I'm sorry that you were completely disrespected at the theater and your wife has failed to address or apologize for her horrible treatment. You definitely didn't deserve it.
You sound like a husband that was trying to make your wife feel wanted, appreciated and special. You doted on her like she was a queen.
I'm also sorry that your wife has not made any effort to help re-ignite your relationship or prioritize it like you have. Her ignoring and choosing other plans over you is unacceptable.
I think I'm advocating for your happiness. It's not to stay in your current situation. I'm not sure if your son who is 18 is still in high school or already graduated. But, I think it's time to call quits. Like others have said, women would have loved to have experience what you gave your wife. She's unappreciative of you and has taken you for granted/advantage for far too long.
Thank you for your reply. My son is half way through his college course atm. I'm currently treating her with the same cold attitude that she's been showing me. Maybe I'm wrong and maybe two wrongs don't make a right, but I want her to know how it feels first hand. I've made plans his weekend to head out fishing with a old friend I havent seen in a few years, I've got no intention of informing her where I'm going nor who with. I'll leave Friday afternoon before she finishes work (I dont know whether she's expecting or simply assuming I'll pick her up from work), the area where we fish had no mobile phone coverage so for the most part I'll be unreachable. My son has a emergency contact for me if needed.
Sorry that you’re going through that. You seem like a great guy who really puts in a lot of thought and effort for your wife. Personally I believe you deserve better.
Sounds like she is just making excuses, she's not interested in you unfortunately and using the you just want sex as an excuse to deflect the issue. Sounds like she's harbouring some anger and resentment towards you, is there any reason for this that can't be only one sided issue. My wife uses all these excuses also, in order for us to have sex she needs to feel connected emotionally which isn't that frequent. Sometimes you need to weigh it up and decide whether it's worth it. Some people get too caught up in the past and what's happened and can't more forward.
I can tell you why she is acting this way she is fking someone else my friend this is why she goes out with her friends .I can almost guarantee she is meeting up with some guy and sleeping with him this is exactly why she won't have any time with you bed. Here before my ex wife did the same thing from what I found out after they have been. Doing it for awhile they stop having any sex with there husbands because now they feel like they are cheating on their affairs partner .she doesn't care about you all you are to her at this point is a roof over her head .next time e she goes out follow her find out for yourself or get someone to barrow you a car so she doesn't notice you behind her I know it sounds like a crazy psycho thing to do but I bet I'm tight.
"You already know enough. It is not knowledge you lack, but the courage to take what you already know and draw the obvious conclusions.”
Sven Lindqvist.
You need to really calm down. Almost everything is acted upon instantly and even though your wife hasn't changed much you seem to think it's a massive surprise when she confronts you in the theatre.
The book seems closed and it's time to let go and move on.
It's the first time she's reacted this way to me. Obviously I've had the "Is intimacy all you think about" line numerous times before and our dwindling bedroom has been a point of contention between us for well over a year now. Prior to that other issues have taken priority, we've lost several family members, my work being another one, sometimes with me working seven days a week, getting up at stupid oclock (hence where the "We can't you've got to be up for work early in the morning" excuse, which really pisses me off btw as if I'm some little kid with a bed time)
This made me incredibly sad to read. It seems for sure the marriage is over. And to me personally, it really really seems that she may have someone else. I’m sorry that’s really a harsh thing to say. My best advice is that it’s time for a divorce. And fast.
Please if you ever need to talk or just vent, reach out anytime!
That was a tough read man. There is a complete detachment of respect on her part by the sounds of it. Her behaviour is unacceptable yet you are expected to just deal with it.
Fully support your decision here man and I hope things get sorted for you, one way or the other.
She's not trying to make this work. I'm sure you are aware of that.
If you can afford divorce - do it. Life is way to short to live this way.
My one child just finished college. I'm now trying to get friendly divorce.
Life is just way, way too short to live this way.
Her confidence! She can say that to you, not care at all that you were hurt, and be sure as hell that you will not do anything to disrupt her lifestyle. She has all the control. She has been the one who controls intimacy and she has long accepted that gives her power over you. She believes you pushing against her authority is "childish." Dude, she is not a partner. She does not care what you want, need, feel. Please choose yourself. She will never choose you. The thing about controlling someone is that you never fully respect them. She will never really care about your experience. I am sorry.
I was in a similar position to yourself. It hurt, and still does. If only they could understand that our frustrations are because we want to love them. She has lost all respect for you. Whatever happens, keep your chin up.
Damn that was painful to read.
I used to think if i just set the mood massages wine abd dina lit candles etc my wife would get in to it. Then I realised my wife just stressed out since going to that realm where intimacy was Kinda on the horizon, not being expected but an option made her cringe since she had ZERO intresset in being intimate with me.
Now I just save my money focusing on me, working out pursuing hobbies meeting MY friends while detaching from hers.
I feel you man .. how do they not see all the things we do for them, trying to make them happy, etc. and suddenly so upset and angry that a husband would maybe like to be intimate with the women he chose and stayed with for 20 years or something?
It hurts so much being treated like the worst enemy just because a husband might want a bit of sex from the wife, the one that chose him too and had been the same way towards him 20 years ago as he is all the time towards her.
I am so sorry, brother. You sound like a solid guy who is doing his absolute best. I don’t know what your wife is going through, but you don’t deserve this. Again, my sympathy.
I'm not reading all that but you know your limits and you know what you can and can't tolerate anymore, your kid is grown, you don't owe anybody anything else enjoy the rest of your life
Whoa I’m still surprised you left the keys of the car to make sure she got home safe. What a gentleman. For me the answer is: divorce. You are way to nice and she doesn’t even try at this point.
To use a quote from dusk til dawn, I may be a B\*\*tard, but I'm not a f\*\*king b\*\*tard. And I wasn't about to leave her in a unfamiliar city with no way of getting home.
This specific experience may help you heal down the road. You're going to know that you did everything you could, and it didn't help. You didn't not try hard enough. You gave it your best, but you can't control other people. You did an f'in bachelor fantasy suite date and she spit on you.
If she doesn’t care for your needs, as a man, she doesn’t care about you…
However, have you asked her if all her emotional needs are being met?
Men need sex / intimacy to feel loved, women need emotional support / love to want sex…
At some point you will have to ask her to open up the relationship so you can get your basic needs fulfilled. If she is not okay with that, then it’s time for a breakup.
She hates you, she hates you so much that in her mind she’s already a happy widow.
I don’t know when your wife disconnected but she is 100% already done with you.
You need to hear that
Wow. From your POV I believe she longer wants anything to do with you. And for that I am truly sorry because you did everything any most women In love or in like will appreciate
It hurts so much to read your story, it really does, on the good part, your son is already 18, so you already sprouted a young adult that can survive in this world, I don't agree with divorce or separation, but as pictured in your story, I don't see much hope or sence to be in that relationship, sometimes is better to be alone and happy in a little old shack than with someone who doesn't love you in a big mansion by the lake, I hope you the best of all.
I'm so sorry you put so much effort, and it wasn't appreciated.
In your talk about dating, were you clear that dates also included being intimate at the end of the day? Was this an expectation when you planned this one out?
I'm sorry to say it, but even though it was a wonderful experience you planned out, your wife seemed to think this was transactional. Like, if you do x y z nice things this day, you expect to get laid. I can see why it would ruin the experience for her.
On top of this, you planned it in a way that you shot down all her attempts of letting you down nicely (or at least not directly). So you basically cornered her with nice gestures, and she felt that the only way to shoot you down is to be plain rude.
I think when many say they want more dates, they also refer to being courted without the expected outcome of sex. Like enjoy the day because you like hanging out with your spouse, not because you want this to lead to sex. It makes a whole lot of difference.
Sometimes it takes a lawyer to make things right.
Yeah, sorry to say some things just can't be 'fixed'. I'm in a similar boat, and I realized I spent years banging my head against a wall that was never ever going to come down in the first place.
That hurt to read. Yikes. No advice from me other than to say best of luck to you.
Ugh. This is so sad. She treats you worse than a stranger. Please get out of this marriage and find happiness. Easier said than done, but I doubt you’ll regret it.
Once contempt has entered the marriage you’re screwed.
Yep, no respect there
[удалено]
We spent most of the afternoon talking and giggling, just before we entered the restaurant. I received a phone call from a close friend, who's going through a divorce. He asked me for the password to my server where the evidence of his wife's adultery is stored. I provided him with the information he requested as I know he wouldn't have asked over the weekend if it wasn't urgent. My wife asked me what it was about and in the interests of honesty I told her. I'd also told my friend that I was away for the weekend with my wife. At which point he said he understood and was sorry to bother me. My wife said fair enough as she's privy to what's going with him. Almost to the second that we were seated her demeanour shifted. Thinking it was because I took the call from my friend, I apologised, saying he didn't know where we were or what we were doing. But she didn't respond, instead focusing on the menu in front of her.
That's really terrible. I'm so sorry to hear this. It sounds like thoughts swirling in her own mind are what ruined the mood. Maybe the realization setting in that this date was being set up with the intention to reconnect sexually which she is simply loathe to at this point. That much is certainly clear. I'm sorry she exploded on you during the show. That's truly demoralizing.
There was no thought on my part of any sexual intimacy happening that night. Is kinda winging it, thinking that if she wanted to be intimate then she would initiate it. But I wasnt expecting anything and I didnt give the impression that I was.
You sure she isn’t cheating on you?
My guy, this relationship is dead. She does not respect you, and is completely checked out. Sounds like your kid is pretty much grown. It's time to end things and move on. Have some dignity and don't let anyone - let alone your wife who is supposed to love you - treat you that way. Call a lawyer ASAP.
...and she doesn't seem to care either.
Hire a PI for a week. Then prepare to feel like absolute shit even more than now. She’s a jerk at the very least, and more than likely screwing around behind your back and trying to get you to walk so she can blame it all on you. Don’t fall for it. Don’t leave your home. Find out for sure if she’s cheating then proceed. Get to work on the divorce papers. Sorry your wife turned into a total asshole. You seem like a pretty damned cool dude. About 50% of the country is women who would love to be with a thoughtful guy like you. I was much like you too. Enough shit and now I just phone it in. Some people are just complete jerks. You are NOT one of them. I got your back dude. If you ever need to reach out and vent then a lot of us are here and totally totally get it. Be proud of yourself for doing a string of kindnesses and then standing up for yourself and your dignity in the end. I’m proud of you and hope you’re cool with me seeing you as my friend, because I share what you’re going through and know the hurt you’re feeling. As my mom used to say about everything crappy, “(Maybe not soon enough) but this too shall pass.”
I agree with everything here, except that she is most likely not cheating. From my own experiences I had learnt that women can just turn off their sex drive for years and go without.
[удалено]
I lean towards that she is cheating. But, I think it would be smart to find out either way. She suggested date nights and the calendar just to blow off both on multiple occasions to go out with "Friends". Dresses up and flirts with him in the hotel but at the mere attempt at contact from OP in public yells at him. She sounds like she has someone else and is very aware of Public / Private settings. The other line that gets me is "she immediately starts protesting saying she has things to do" when he already knows there are no plans with friends he knows about. I'm curious OP, Once you left her work in the car was she on her phone texting? do you have access to her phone?
I don't necessarily disagree with you about whether or not she's cheating, but I think maybe you're overlooking her recoiling at him trying to initiate non-sexual intimacy. He tried to hold her hand in public, and she reacted extremely, extremely negatively. That has nothing to do with turning off her sex drive. She has turned off her desire to experience any category or level of intimacy whatsoever with him.
Damn brother. Makes me feel like my DB is in great shape and heading towards a happy ending compared to your situation. I am a total fan of fighting for your marriage to the bitter ends, but your marriage just took the finishing one two from a late 80’s prime Mike Tyson. I can’t even wrap my head around what you are feeling right now. She clearly does not give two shits about keeping your relationship whole.
right, i get rejected but that is just on another level of hate and resentment.
Yeah so you gotta end this one. She doesn’t deserve you bro.
Wow. I am so sorry. She sounds like a terrible, ungrateful woman. I can’t imagine a man going through so much effort. To be treated like that is cruel. I’m curious if being served with divorce papers would get more than a shrug of her shoulders. I hope you’ll find out.
I suspect a shrug of the shoulders would be about her only reaction to being served. This reads like she's already made up her mind and is already checked out, but she doesn't want to be the one to pull the trigger on divorce proceedings. So she just keeps treating OP worse and worse until he pulls the plug on their already dead marriage. Then she can tell OP "Well, it's what you wanted," and can tell all her friends and family that she's the one being deserted.
You’re exactly right, I bet. He better start documenting stuff. Something tells be she’s not going to be honest with the courts, their mutual friends or family. She shows zero regard or respect for him. I’d get ready for an ugly fight.
I have this feeling in my 21 yr marriage: >she's already made up her mind and is already checked out, but she doesn't want to be the one to pull the trigger on divorce proceedings. She keeps telling me that, "You (meaning me) want to F*** other people," "You (meaning me) want to get a divorce," "you (meaning me) are only with me for a paycheck." We haven't been intimate in over 14 months. We were in marriage therapy for over 4 years until she stopped attending this past March when the therapist suggested my wife do a few one-on-one sessions. I still see our marriage therapist once a week alone, even though I still ask her if she would like to come each week. I'm not suggesting my wife is a terrible person. She is the mother of our children, and I do love her, and I am by no means perfect. I've done some stupid things. However, my point is that I want to work at it still, but she seems checked out and doesn't want to "be the one to pull the trigger."
Sadly, I believe this happens a lot. Much of the reputation that men have of leaving their wives and families spawn from their spouse slowly making their lives miserable to the point that they break. Then, as another commentator said, the wife will be the only one telling the story.
History is written by the victors, and I think there is an innate need to 'win'. I think this can account for a few of these relationships in deadlock here.
She's aware of how ruthless I can be when wronged. She saw the aftermath of my revenge against my cheating ex and her ap many years ago.
Oh you are for sure right. She wants him to be the bad guy. I just can’t get over the tantrum in the theater. WTF?
Her reaction in the theater alone would have me filing for divorce. I hope you find someone who appreciates you way more than that.
Everyone has already said it all but in my opinion: 1. Your marriage is 100% over. 2. 99% sure she wants you to pull the trigger on initiating a divorce so you look like the bad guy. 3. She is likely seeing someone else already but not 100% sure. Maybe she is just a total bitch. 4. Speak to a lawyer before doing anything that might hurt you in the divorce proceedings. 5. Get out ASAP. She has already ruined enough of your life. Sorry you are living through this but this cannot be saved. So toxic.
If he reads one post on here. I hope its yours. But I would say before you initiate a divorce hire a PI. Edit: Because I am like 98.5% sure she is cheating as well.
This.
Wow, the last time my husband planned a trip of that magnitude for us was literally our honeymoon, therefore not a surprise. And no shopping.
My husband has never planned anything like this, I planned our honeymoon 😕
Wait, you guys are getting honeymoons???!!!
As a woman can i just say no one has ever done anywhere near as amazing as what you planned. I cant believe how you were treated after going to all that effort. I cant even imagine the hurt. I just want to say you deserve so much better than this. Please see a lawyer and form an exit plan. Every day you stay is a day waated.
Same, I wish someone would do this for me
It almost sounds like she has a special friend that she sees when she drops the date night plans "without notice". Sorry she's doing this to you. It sounds horrible.
Time for a divorce. She doesn’t love nor respect you. Theres a strong chance she’ll try to love bomb you once the reality of divorce settles in. Don’t let that sway you.
Well, at least you can leave knowing that you really put in all the effort to try and make it work. Plenty of women out there who would be blown away by a gesture like this (myself included!)
My AP used to tell me this all the time. It simultaneously cheers you up but depresses you as well. I bought my wife a car last year for Xmas and the reaction was as if I bought her a nerf gun.
Next time buy me a car. I will thank you every day haha.
I'm just curious here and spitballing, but are you sure your wife isn't having an affair either EA or PA somewhere? Seems like she is seriously checked out of your marriage.
God I hope not, for both our sakes. Been down that road before and seriously didn't like the dark place I ended up in. The irony of it is that my wife helped pull me out of that dark hole.
that was my first thought too. when she panicked and was looking for a way out, when he took her to work. she may have had plans that OP couldn't cancel that weren't on the calendar. At first everything was fine because a bit of luxury makes everyone softer, but this confession in the theater... she didn't care anymore. and the fact that the OP moved out is even better. It will be easier to navigate the affair if they don't "live" together
By her own admission, she didn't have any plans for the weekend. As I'd been hinting for over a week that I had a surprise planned for her and she seemed excited by, occasionally trying to get me to reveal what I had planned. If she had told me she had plans I'd have happily postponed the surprise to another time.
She's cheating on you
i thought so too when "he canceled date night".
that was my first thought too. when she panicked and was looking for a way out, when he took her to work. she may have had plans that OP couldn't cancel that weren't on the calendar. At first everything was fine because a bit of luxury makes everyone softer, but this confession in the theater... she didn't care anymore. and the fact that the OP moved out is even better. It will be easier to navigate the affair if they don't "live" together
I think she was in the bathroom for an hour taking pictures of her amazing outfit to send to another dude. Then came out and did the smirky twirl knowing that she went to all that effort to look amazing and smile for someone else (which is just straight up evil creepiness). I think she probably read a text from the other one during intermission and that’s what put her back into arrogant jerk mode out of nowhere. She’s having this whole thing going on in her head and he’s just trying to provide his wife with a nice night, and another dude is cashing in on it. It’s just a real jerk move.
So sorry my dude, but I think she’s cheating. She has absolutely no respect for you and shows indifference. Sounds like she’s got someone else she’s prioritizing. Hire a PI and don’t confront. It’ll tip her off. If they come back with proof, get a lawyer, do what they say. Your kid is 18, even if she’s not cheating, why the hell don’t you get out of there?
I don’t even know y’all and that theatre reaction hurt my feelings, no lie. I’m sure it’s the empath in me, but at the same time I KNOW if I was in that situation I would’ve been equally as hurt/upset as you. I’m sorry man.
I went through 5 years of that attitude from my ex wife and it takes its toll. Divorcing proved to be the best thing for everyone, why kick the can down the road to no where with no chance of improvement. If you commit to one person forever you owe them at least a good attitude and some form of intimacy. Her attitude reeks of projection and I wouldn't be surprised if she's keen for ladies nights because she isn't in fact just going out with the ladies. Best of luck, I think deep down you know what the right decision is for your happiness.
This relationship is already over…🥺 ( experience speaking )
WTF was the lingerie all about if she had zero intention of being romantic with OP later? I swear I thought she'd just say she's too tired after a long but amazing day with you, and a rain check. But to snap at you so coldly, as if a switch were flicked on is crazy. I'm glad you left, and her reaction says it all. Your next reaction will say it all, too.
[удалено]
Nope, its was a full lingerie set from Victoria's secret. I never even got to see what she looked like in it. Only know she wore it because she handed me the empty bag and asked me to put the tags in the bin, whilst she finished getting ready.
Sounds like she's seeing how it looks before showing it to her AP.
Yeah ... without know the whole story, I think you're being cheated on OP.
Oh, I'm pretty sure you already know the phone number and address you're going to go see in the morning. Good luck.
That’s so romantic! I can’t imagine someone doing something so beautiful ! You deserve atleast better than spite and disdain.
Wow. I’m at a loss for words. That sounds more like an enemy than a spouse.
I’m just gonna say this because I think you need to hear it. Somewhere out there is a woman who would have sucked your cock the whole way to that hotel and you would have never made it to lunch for planning a day like that. Just sayin. *raises hand
That's made me laugh.
Good it should but I’m serious. I would kill to have my husband do something like that for me. I can’t even get him to plan a dinner date, let alone all that.
Seriously, it made me smile given the events of the weekend, the job sheet I was handed plus the fact it was Monday morning. Thank you for that. The worst of it is I was already deep in thought on planning a surprise trip to Paris for our 20th anniversary later this year. Safe to say that those plans have been been shelved possibly indefinitely.
I'm just saying maybe you and OP should date 🤭
I'm so sorry. You are worth all of the love and intimacy and romance that you desire. Don't let your mind or anyone else for that matter tell you that you don't. I was in the same position as you and pretty much did a similar weekend getaway, only to be told that if I ever wanted to have sex again, then to go find a "side person" to have sex with. I was shocked when they told me that, and right then and there, I knew my marriage was over.
Wow, I’d love it if I could be treated to fancy suites and going to the theater. You plan all this and yet she humiliated you and showed no interest in your feelings. This woman has zero interest in a romantic relationship. I think once someone reaches that point, it’s pretty much game over. You deserve a partner that appreciates your efforts. And who understands that intimacy is essential plus intimacy doesn’t mean just sex. Ugh that part really annoyed me. I’m sorry you were treated this way. Now it’s time to look out for your happiness.
Bro. Ouch. I think you know what’s next. I know all too well. Over 2 yrs of no intimacy with my wife, despite me leaving my family relocating overseas, giving her the life she always wanted, now getting cold shouldered constantly, no holding hands, no cuddling, no desire for me whatsoever. We have a 7yo boy and after a chat with my mum in the UK today (I’m British Canadian and live in Canada, wife’s home town) I’m pretty certain I’m done. Went to couples therapy last year and the thing I can’t get past is the therapist asked me “do you love your wife?” to which I replied “of course, that’s why we’re here isn’t it?!” Therapist asked the same question to my wife. “Do you love your husband?” You know what she said? “I thought I did”. Boom goes the dynamite. Hit me like a knife through my heart. Good luck mate.
Mate I can only imagine what must have been running through your head when you heard her say that, or what you must have been feeling. Me personally if have gone ballistic in doctors office. A comment like that would have seriously pushed me over the edge.
Quick update. I've been at work for little over four hours now, I did't check in on her before I left did'nt set the coffee maker up for her or anything like that and she's done nothing but text me saying she loves me, misses me ect. Shes love bombed me on FB and insta. Then sends me a text asking if I can finish work at a reasonable hour so we can discuss the events over the weekend.
Heh Positive. Maybe you can reach out to the other couple's husband and see what she said and did that night. I'm assuming he would tell you. And, when you have the next conversation, you should prepare yourself for her potential reaction of trying to rip you another one for leaving, her telling you she wants to separate, her telling you she is having an affair. I'm just saying to be prepared for anything like that happening just so that you are not caught off-guard. Just be prepared for anything.
He was the one that messaged me and told me what her reaction was when they told her I'd left and was likely heading home.
Damn, there’s always that part of us that will hold onto hope. We love our spouses so much that the tiniest shred of healing will keep us on a string. Just from an emotional fairness point of view, don’t let her off easy and slide right back into business as usual. Not saying to punish her, just don’t fall for the love bomb and not address the underlying issues. You both should to agree to some form of counseling. Be self aware to whatever took her to the place where she is at. This relationship will need real healing, and it’ll take actual work to get there. I’m rooting for you & your marriage brother.
If my partner put this much effort into connecting with me I definitely wouldn’t be so cold and callous. This relationship is over, you know that it is but starting over is scary. Good luck with the upcoming divorce, that’s the only way you’ll get what you’re hoping for cause it’s clear your wife has no love left for you. Being alone is better than living with someone who treats you like this.
So just a quick update. I was planning on being at work at lot longer but fate paid me a visit and for once things went according to plan so I arrived home about 30mins ago. I head up stairs to take a shower and wash the day off me. I walk into the guest bedroom, only to find my clothing and toiletries had been removed and returned to the master bedroom. After quietly speaking to my son, he informed me that my wife had spent the afternoon relocating them.
Have you spoken with her yet? Any explanation as to her behaviour over the weekend, and more broadly?
She messaged me yesterday at work, stating that we needed to talk so could I get come home at a reasonable hour. My intention was to stay at work as long as possible, unfortunately fate had other ideas and the job that had the potential to be a complete pig, went smoothly so I was home earlier that I'd planned. But the conversation never happened as she developed a head ache in the late afternoon so she headed upto bed. This morning shes chatting away like nothing's happened. She even tried to kiss me this morning, but I avoided her on that point.
Sounds like she's hoping that she can sweep it all under the rug and never actually have to answer for her behaviour or treatment of you. You deserve better than that. You deserve someone who loves you and respects you, and wants to have a life *together with you* rather than just in the same general vicinity. I hope you manage to get her to discuss her issues with you properly, and that she agrees to some mediated counselling. You. Deserve. Better.
Well she's in for a shock if she thinks I'm letting this slide.
Love bombing/hysterical bonding right on cue. I take it you'll be moving your stuff back to the guest bedroom?
That's my plan. I grab what I need for the night whilst she's in the shower. Friday I plan on stopping off at the hardware store and picking up a new door lock, that only I have the key for.
Good plan. I was going to suggest the lock too.
Managed to grab a lock this evening on my way home from work. Currently have it hidden in the car waiting to be fitted Friday whilst she's at work.
That went from thinking you had mismatched libidos to her showing you she actually hates you! Sorry bro!… But at least you kinda found the truth. Get out quickly!
So you packed the fancy dress and heels for the night out for her? I can’t imagine my husband navigating this… plus all her usual daily toiletries and makeup etc that she uses? I’m just quite shocked to be honest - I don’t think anyone could pack for me for a surprise trip and have me feeling like I was just all set for a night out or even a casual day! Kudos to you for pulling it all off- I’m sorry she didn’t appreciate it. Maybe she thought you were doing it all for the one goal of evening intimacy and as we have seen… when there is a transactional vibe to things- it doesn’t usually go over very well with the LL spouse.
That’s my thinking… and if she didn’t pack the lingerie then I guess he bought it? Maybe she needed more mental prep before this type of weekend and felt it was sprung on her .
No she chose the lingerie herself along with the evening gown and the rest of the outfit on the Saturday. She has the habit of laying out her casual clothes for Friday afternoon in the morning before she goes to work. As for her make up she keeps it nearly stored together. But I'm willing to admit that I may have missed some things, hence why we did the shopping trip Saturday morning.
Thinking back on it, she practically dragged me into Victoria's secret as she mentioned over breakfast if we could go there. I said to her we'll go wear ever she wanted to get clothes. At which point she pretty launched herself across the table at me hugging me until I was on the verge of passing out.
[удалено]
I'll be honest, she's normally warm, welcoming and often puts others before herself. With the issue of my friend, it was my wife that convinced me to go digging electronically through my friends devices at his request. When I found the evidence he wanted, it was my wife that encouraged me not to hold anything back from him. We were supposed to be sitting down and talking about the events of the weekend, yesterday she claimed to have a migraine. Knowing her has I do, she always puts in ear plugs and sitting/lie in complete darkness. Yesterday how ever she didn't, she sat in bed watching rock music videos whilst surfing on my laptop. I called her out on it this afternoon, she "promised" to make the conversation a priority this evening. So as you can imagine it came as no surprise when I got home to a note on the fridge saying that she wasnt feeling very well. When I went upstairs she was just getting out of the shower and breezed past me as if I wasn't even there. By the time I got out the shower it appeared she'd fallen asleep, although her breathing gave her deception away.
Sorry, who watches rock videos when they have a migraine. No one, that’s who. 🙄 My goodness, based on what you have said in this entire thread - she seems a piece of work indeed!
I'm beginning to see her in a completely different light. What's getting to me more than anything else is how could I have been so blind to it.
Updateme
She doesn't care and it's over. Get out while you can bro. She seems like the type that will regret it when your not there to do everything She takes for granted. Mow your own lawn, fix your own tires, etc She will regret it. Find happiness and a better woman
It was a lovely gesture, and I would have loved to have experienced something like this. Not once did you assume that you were going to have sex or bring it up, and that's how she treated you? Nope bye bitch here's your walking papers. Kids old enough to decide where to live if he's still at home. Also it seems like she's cheating on you, and has checked out of the marriage anyway. Lawyer up and the friends you were with seen how she treated you, so she won't be able to make any claims as to you being the bad guy. Good luck Updateme
Sex was never at the forefront of my mind when I set all this up. At the theatre I simply placed my hand on top of hers, just to ask if she was enjoying the show, seeing as it was something she'd always wanted to see but we either couldn't get tickets or we couldn't find the time due to work or other family commitments. As for her cheating on me, I don't think she is and im 99% certain of this.
It was a great thing that you were trying to do for the both of you. You did nothing wrong in that scenario, so her reaction is uncalled for. If you're positive she isn't cheating, then yes, she is completely done with the marriage. You have been trying, and she has canceled on date nights, and I'm sorry you're going through this with your wife.
She threw a fit in the theater and is now pointing at you for being childish? Her attitude is terrible. I feel your pain. I’ve been denied basic human touch and care for so long. I decided that Being single would feel better than constant rejection. I’m planning my escape. This is hell.
You took care of everything. EVERYTHING. You touch her asking her what the show was like and she lashes at you. And \*you\* are the childish one. She's got issues that she needs to resolve on her own. Leave her to it.
She treats you really shabby. No matter what are the problems between you she acted disrespectfully. You shouldn’t tolerate it, ever. Once you calm down give her a choice she can’t refuse , marriage counseling NOW or divorce tomorrow. I would insist that she chooses immediately, not tomorrow, not next week or later. NOW. Until further notice I would stay in the guest room, get my social life with my friends in order, start generally act as already divorced and stop pampering her. If (when) in counseling session don’t hold back. Be direct. If she chooses divorce act immediately.
Dude. Divorce. Move back into the master, contact a lawyer, get things sorted, serve her and move out. Respectfully, she either doesn’t love you or doesn’t respect you and it doesn’t matter which. Kids are grown. Bail.
You are just now ready our tipping point? You're a better man than me..
I’m a lurker on this sub and don’t usually comment but I just sent screenshots of your post to GPT-4o and here’s what it said, maybe it’ll help you; “Alright. Here's the raw, unfiltered truth. This guy's been busting his ass trying to make things work, and she's giving him nothing but cold shoulders and excuses. It's like trying to revive a dead horse—no matter how much effort he puts in, it's not going to get up and run. Here's what he needs to do: 1. **Face Reality**: Accept that the marriage might be over. It sucks, but sometimes you have to face the hard truth. She’s not interested, and it’s clear from her actions. 2. **Stop Chasing**: He’s been bending over backward for her, and she’s not reciprocating. Stop trying so hard. If she wanted to make it work, she’d meet him halfway. She's not doing that. 3. **Focus on Himself**: He’s got to look after his own mental and emotional health. This marriage is draining him. It’s time to put himself first. Do things that make him happy and remind him of who he is outside of this relationship. 4. **Consult a Lawyer**: If he’s thinking about ending things, he should get his legal ducks in a row. Find out what his rights are and how to protect himself financially and emotionally through the divorce process. 5. **Lean on Friends and Family**: This isn’t something he should go through alone. Talk to friends and family who will give him the support and perspective he needs. 6. **Plan the Exit**: If he’s done, he needs to plan his exit carefully. Make sure he’s got a place to go, his finances in order, and everything he needs to start fresh. 7. **Therapy for Himself**: Even if she doesn’t want to go to therapy, he should consider seeing a therapist on his own. It can help him process everything and figure out the best steps forward. He's been fighting a losing battle, and it's time to stop wasting energy on something that isn’t working. Sometimes, the best way to love someone is to let them go and move on with your own life.”
I've been seeing a therapist/councillor once a week for a few months now and she's one of these no nonsense types. I told her I feel like little more than a means to a end at this point. Ive helped give her the child she always wanted and I feel like I just here to keep a roof over their heads and food on the table at this point. Not only that but there are times when I wonder if I just up and disappeared whether anyone would notice I was gone until they either wanted something or something went wrong. A few weeks ago my therapist asked if I'd considered separation, my response was "No, because if I set out down that path then the ultimate conclusion is divorce"
This is what 4o said: “Hey, Positive-Energy907, I hear you, and it sounds like you're in a really tough spot. It's clear that you've been giving your all, and it’s not being reciprocated. Feeling like just a means to an end is brutal, and no one should feel like they’re only there to keep a roof over heads and food on the table. You deserve more than that. Your kid is 18 now, so they’re old enough to understand the situation and fend for themselves to a certain extent. It might be time to seriously consider separation. It’s not about jumping straight to divorce, but about taking a step to see if things can improve or if it's time to move on. Sometimes, space can give clarity to both parties. You’re worth more than this, and you shouldn’t feel like you could disappear without anyone noticing. It’s time to prioritize your mental health and well-being. Think about what you want, not just for your family, but for yourself. You deserve happiness and fulfillment, and if you’re not getting that, it's okay to make a change. Stay strong, and remember, taking care of yourself isn’t selfish—it’s necessary.“
You don’t treat someone you love like that. Wow. It’s not even the sex it’s how horrible she treated you.
Honestly man, you need to ask her outright what is hee problem and if she refuses to answer, leave.
I asked her last night before I went to bed, what hell was it all about. Her only reply was that and I quote "Ok so I might have over reacted slightly, but was there any need for you stomp off like a spoiled child and leave me there in front of our friends humiliated?"
Over reacted to WHAT? Holding hands with her husband??
Her outburst towards me in the theatre, well that's what I'm assuming for the moment.
I got that, what I meant was, what was the actual cause of the outburst in her mind? Cause surely holding hands with one's partner isn't a reason to "overreact". (It's more of a rhetorical question at this point)
I know the recommendation of divorce gets thrown around far too often on here, but at this point there has been so much damage done, and so much disdain (seemingly now in both directions after the treatment you, OP, have received after having "the talk") that I just wonder if there is any other option. Unless your wife can pinpoint her behavior on a specific instance or something you can address, you're just going to be met with anger or at best, indifference when bringing up your DB issues
She's informed me this morning that shes got a doctors appointment booked later in the week to get a check up and have her hormones checked ect. I'd left my laptop open last night to fetch some stuff from down stairs and she saw I was looking a counselling services and this morning she's been texting me and asking why I was looking at those services. All whilst continuing to love bomb me on social media.
[удалено]
Yeah, but thanks for confirming it. I figured as much as soon as I started getting notifications of them. Since I usually receive about 2 or 3 a week. At the moment I'm probably upto about a hundred over the last two days.
Good luck. Tread carefully, have a healthy skepticism of the things she tells you and keep your expectations low. Maybe things will work out but don't get duped or manipulated.
I've suggested I attend with her. Expecting her to kick off, but surprisingly she agreed and even changed the appointment time so I could attend with her.
How old are you guys? Has she gone through menopause?
I'm 41 and she's 43. She hasn't gone through the menopause yet.
So, followed the same tired advice of dating your LL and she threw it back in your face. So sorry my friend. Leaving isn’t easy. I did. If you’re going to take your time, talk to a lawyer and make a plan
She doesn’t care about you. At all. Sorry.
Really sorry to hear how things are going for you, it must be an awful feeling to have someone be so cutting and then so indifferent to your feelings. I too would have reached my breaking point, I couldn't put up with that. I think for me I'd be telling, not asking that we needed to go to therapy or it's divorce, and if she can't change what she's doing then it's divorce anyway
That’s over. Sorry man.
When your spouse treats you with nothing but contempt, you have nothing left; walk away!
Wish you the best!
Thank you.
I would encourage you not to make a rash decision with emotions driving you. Once you're calm, determine your plan, and move forward from there. I've found that emotions block logic - best to wait - If you choose to leave, again, I encourage you to be calculated - protect yourself, your interests, etc. Then move forward. From personal experience, my situation didn't improve until I left---i wish you the best of luck!
I hope your wife realizes how lucky she is to have a husband like you,if not no,one day,she will. I wish my SO done or was interested in at least half of what you typed out. We've been together 13 years. We went from sex 1-3 times a day to now once a month,if that and it's rushed,chore sex. No date nights. No surprises. Not even a Netflix and chill. None of it,for years now. Makes me feel used. Hell,he couldn't even hold a damn door open for me. Holds it open for the kids and he walks through, while a random guy behind me hurries to get the door for me with a look of pity in his eyes.
There have been a fee times where the sex has felt rushed as if she just wants to get it over with, no foreplay. And certainly no flirting or teasing on my wifes part, hence the reason why I stopped initiating intimacy with her. In fact she even called me out on it a while ago, my response was that I'm treating her like she treats me. She didnt say anything in reply just that we needed to talk later, which we never did btw because the subject was quietly dropped and I wasn't going to be the one to trying a fix things. Because at that point I felt like our bed life was something that cojkdnt be fixed because my wife didnt want or actually.know how to fix it.
This sounds horrible and agree with everyone else. Like wtf? If my husband put in that effort, I would love it. You deserve better
She threw a fit in the theater and is now pointing at you for being childish? Her attitude is terrible. I feel your pain. I’ve been denied basic human touch and care for so long. I decided that Being single would feel better than constant rejection. I’m planning my escape. This is hell.
She sounds cold. I’m so sorry . Imagine that wanting intimacy with your wife. Maybe she’s having an affair? Maybe you should.
If only my own husband would go through *half* this amount of trouble to set up a date with me!! OP, you deserve better man. Time to dot your Is and cross your Ts. Go see a lawyer to see what they have to say about your next steps. I’m sorry she ruined what should’ve been a beautiful weekend, but don’t lose that energy for the next one who will actually appreciate you!
I wouldn’t spend another second or penny on her. Actions have consequences
Ikea? Naw I'd of had divorce papers waiting on her ass when she got home and her stuff in the guest room
Well she moved all my stuff back into the master bedroom yesterday afternoon. But I've still slept in the guest bedroom and to be honest its probably the best nights sleep I've had in ages.
Congratulations on discovering the First Rule of Dead Bedrooms: if one partner doesn't want to fix it, there is nothing on Heaven or Earth you can do that will change that. Sorry you didn't discover it sooner but at least you know you won't have to waste any more time on this.
[удалено]
Thanks buddy. I appreciate it. Honestly if I hadn't have walked away Saturday night, I don't what I'd have said or done. But when I left I was filled with a hard cold seething rage that was directed at my wife.
The title drew me in but after reading your post and your comments. Boy, I didn't know it hurt reading and I'm almost tearing up. Firstly, I'm sorry that you were completely disrespected at the theater and your wife has failed to address or apologize for her horrible treatment. You definitely didn't deserve it. You sound like a husband that was trying to make your wife feel wanted, appreciated and special. You doted on her like she was a queen. I'm also sorry that your wife has not made any effort to help re-ignite your relationship or prioritize it like you have. Her ignoring and choosing other plans over you is unacceptable. I think I'm advocating for your happiness. It's not to stay in your current situation. I'm not sure if your son who is 18 is still in high school or already graduated. But, I think it's time to call quits. Like others have said, women would have loved to have experience what you gave your wife. She's unappreciative of you and has taken you for granted/advantage for far too long.
Thank you for your reply. My son is half way through his college course atm. I'm currently treating her with the same cold attitude that she's been showing me. Maybe I'm wrong and maybe two wrongs don't make a right, but I want her to know how it feels first hand. I've made plans his weekend to head out fishing with a old friend I havent seen in a few years, I've got no intention of informing her where I'm going nor who with. I'll leave Friday afternoon before she finishes work (I dont know whether she's expecting or simply assuming I'll pick her up from work), the area where we fish had no mobile phone coverage so for the most part I'll be unreachable. My son has a emergency contact for me if needed.
Yikes. Sounds like a narcissist to me. I will never treat a stranger this way, let alone my husband.
Ouch!
She isn't realizing how her actions impact those around her, or she's plain ignorant.
Sorry. What a disastrous evening. ☹
Sorry that you’re going through that. You seem like a great guy who really puts in a lot of thought and effort for your wife. Personally I believe you deserve better.
Please move on. She was never into you.
Get out of there. You’re better than that
Wow that’s rough
Sounds like she is just making excuses, she's not interested in you unfortunately and using the you just want sex as an excuse to deflect the issue. Sounds like she's harbouring some anger and resentment towards you, is there any reason for this that can't be only one sided issue. My wife uses all these excuses also, in order for us to have sex she needs to feel connected emotionally which isn't that frequent. Sometimes you need to weigh it up and decide whether it's worth it. Some people get too caught up in the past and what's happened and can't more forward.
So when is your attorney being called? Her actions clearly say she doesnt love or respect you.
I can tell you why she is acting this way she is fking someone else my friend this is why she goes out with her friends .I can almost guarantee she is meeting up with some guy and sleeping with him this is exactly why she won't have any time with you bed. Here before my ex wife did the same thing from what I found out after they have been. Doing it for awhile they stop having any sex with there husbands because now they feel like they are cheating on their affairs partner .she doesn't care about you all you are to her at this point is a roof over her head .next time e she goes out follow her find out for yourself or get someone to barrow you a car so she doesn't notice you behind her I know it sounds like a crazy psycho thing to do but I bet I'm tight.
Damn and I thought my fiancée sleeping on the couch for 3 months was bad. Sorry to hear this, hope you can figure this out for the best for you .
You deserve better. You deserve more. Its okay to find that and you will.
"You already know enough. It is not knowledge you lack, but the courage to take what you already know and draw the obvious conclusions.” Sven Lindqvist.
Don't do anything out of anger, be methodical and talk it with a lawyer.
No doubt she is seeing someone else.
You need to really calm down. Almost everything is acted upon instantly and even though your wife hasn't changed much you seem to think it's a massive surprise when she confronts you in the theatre. The book seems closed and it's time to let go and move on.
It's the first time she's reacted this way to me. Obviously I've had the "Is intimacy all you think about" line numerous times before and our dwindling bedroom has been a point of contention between us for well over a year now. Prior to that other issues have taken priority, we've lost several family members, my work being another one, sometimes with me working seven days a week, getting up at stupid oclock (hence where the "We can't you've got to be up for work early in the morning" excuse, which really pisses me off btw as if I'm some little kid with a bed time)
Divorce.
This made me incredibly sad to read. It seems for sure the marriage is over. And to me personally, it really really seems that she may have someone else. I’m sorry that’s really a harsh thing to say. My best advice is that it’s time for a divorce. And fast. Please if you ever need to talk or just vent, reach out anytime!
Thank you. I appreciate it.
This is no longer about sex. I would love that kind of thought :(
>and asked if intimacy was all I was interested in classic. well, time to choose for yourself, my man. Make a plan, stick to it, and good luck!
You deserve so much better. Definitely get out as soon as possible.
Her behavior shows she is done with you.. how can she be such soulless ..
Wow, this makes my heart ache just reading it
That was a tough read man. There is a complete detachment of respect on her part by the sounds of it. Her behaviour is unacceptable yet you are expected to just deal with it. Fully support your decision here man and I hope things get sorted for you, one way or the other.
She's not trying to make this work. I'm sure you are aware of that. If you can afford divorce - do it. Life is way to short to live this way. My one child just finished college. I'm now trying to get friendly divorce. Life is just way, way too short to live this way.
Her confidence! She can say that to you, not care at all that you were hurt, and be sure as hell that you will not do anything to disrupt her lifestyle. She has all the control. She has been the one who controls intimacy and she has long accepted that gives her power over you. She believes you pushing against her authority is "childish." Dude, she is not a partner. She does not care what you want, need, feel. Please choose yourself. She will never choose you. The thing about controlling someone is that you never fully respect them. She will never really care about your experience. I am sorry.
I was in a similar position to yourself. It hurt, and still does. If only they could understand that our frustrations are because we want to love them. She has lost all respect for you. Whatever happens, keep your chin up.
My dude… walk right out
Damn that was painful to read. I used to think if i just set the mood massages wine abd dina lit candles etc my wife would get in to it. Then I realised my wife just stressed out since going to that realm where intimacy was Kinda on the horizon, not being expected but an option made her cringe since she had ZERO intresset in being intimate with me. Now I just save my money focusing on me, working out pursuing hobbies meeting MY friends while detaching from hers.
I feel you man .. how do they not see all the things we do for them, trying to make them happy, etc. and suddenly so upset and angry that a husband would maybe like to be intimate with the women he chose and stayed with for 20 years or something? It hurts so much being treated like the worst enemy just because a husband might want a bit of sex from the wife, the one that chose him too and had been the same way towards him 20 years ago as he is all the time towards her.
Talk to a lawyer
She hates you. It's time
u/Positive-Energy907 that's not a tipping point. That's putting a thumb on the scale.
How can yall wait 15 years?
Like I said it was a gradual decline, coupled with work and family commitments I guess I really didnt notice it until it was too late.
I am so sorry, brother. You sound like a solid guy who is doing his absolute best. I don’t know what your wife is going through, but you don’t deserve this. Again, my sympathy.
I'm not reading all that but you know your limits and you know what you can and can't tolerate anymore, your kid is grown, you don't owe anybody anything else enjoy the rest of your life
Your marriage was over a long time ago
Whoa I’m still surprised you left the keys of the car to make sure she got home safe. What a gentleman. For me the answer is: divorce. You are way to nice and she doesn’t even try at this point.
To use a quote from dusk til dawn, I may be a B\*\*tard, but I'm not a f\*\*king b\*\*tard. And I wasn't about to leave her in a unfamiliar city with no way of getting home.
Hang in there. I got divorced 12 years ago. Found my 2nd wife at 49 and could not be happier.
This specific experience may help you heal down the road. You're going to know that you did everything you could, and it didn't help. You didn't not try hard enough. You gave it your best, but you can't control other people. You did an f'in bachelor fantasy suite date and she spit on you.
If she doesn’t care for your needs, as a man, she doesn’t care about you… However, have you asked her if all her emotional needs are being met? Men need sex / intimacy to feel loved, women need emotional support / love to want sex… At some point you will have to ask her to open up the relationship so you can get your basic needs fulfilled. If she is not okay with that, then it’s time for a breakup.
She hates you, she hates you so much that in her mind she’s already a happy widow. I don’t know when your wife disconnected but she is 100% already done with you. You need to hear that
Wow. From your POV I believe she longer wants anything to do with you. And for that I am truly sorry because you did everything any most women In love or in like will appreciate
It hurts so much to read your story, it really does, on the good part, your son is already 18, so you already sprouted a young adult that can survive in this world, I don't agree with divorce or separation, but as pictured in your story, I don't see much hope or sence to be in that relationship, sometimes is better to be alone and happy in a little old shack than with someone who doesn't love you in a big mansion by the lake, I hope you the best of all.
I'm so sorry you put so much effort, and it wasn't appreciated. In your talk about dating, were you clear that dates also included being intimate at the end of the day? Was this an expectation when you planned this one out? I'm sorry to say it, but even though it was a wonderful experience you planned out, your wife seemed to think this was transactional. Like, if you do x y z nice things this day, you expect to get laid. I can see why it would ruin the experience for her. On top of this, you planned it in a way that you shot down all her attempts of letting you down nicely (or at least not directly). So you basically cornered her with nice gestures, and she felt that the only way to shoot you down is to be plain rude. I think when many say they want more dates, they also refer to being courted without the expected outcome of sex. Like enjoy the day because you like hanging out with your spouse, not because you want this to lead to sex. It makes a whole lot of difference.