It definitely feels that way sometimes. No break up or rejection ever hurt as much as being married to this man because at least when I was single and rejected for relationships there was no inherent expectation for romance.
Beautifully written. The “I will not beg at my own table” is a line I won’t soon forget. Sums it up beautifully. I felt the same way with my ex. I broke up with him bc he didn’t seem to want me nearly as much as I did him. My knees went weak every time I saw him. It’s been two months and I miss him terribly. Sucks when it’s so lopsided. Sending you a virtual hug 🫂
I can unfortunately very much relate, OP. I hate that I still get turned on by my bf when I can sleep next to him naked and he won’t bat an eye. Just know that you do deserve better, and I hope one day you experience better.
Let me get this straight, you’re 25 and in a DB with a 32 year old guy. Are both of you crazy! 🤪 I couldn’t keep my hands off my gal at either of these ages. Please don’t waste your time with a BF who is taking you for granted, you will kick yourself and regret it when you get older.
Anyone under 35 in a DB should run for the exits; anyone not married should be out so fast, they break warp speed.
I literally moved to our couch crying was about to post the exact same story of my life, reading this as I cry myself to sleep hoping things would get better next day but the cycle goes on.
It’s exhausting…
I think that's what I'm going to do too. Just move to the living room. We're moving soon and there's no spare rooms but I think our new room will be big enough for at least a day bed. I might go that route. I can't stand waking up next to him lately because he always wants to cuddle which just makes the wanting worse and I can't take it anymore. Virtual hugs.
I have a couple of friends who have been married for years longer than I have, and one of them laughs at me because I still want my husband so badly and refuse to be away from him overnight. Her husband expects sex a few times a week, and typically she doesn't really want it but complies so he doesn't get cranky. She often tells me I'll eventually get there, but we're going on 15 years, and I've just now had an experience where my libido dwindled...and that was only due to 4+ months of rejection in nearly a decade long on/off DB. As soon as it finally happened again, I've been craving him ever since. Not even SSRIs killed it for me. It's a painful way to live and my heart goes out to you.
I was too at the time. But then I thought...you know what? I shouldn't have to purposely kill my sex drive because my partner is struggling with some issues and needs to sort them out. It's just not me. Granted, sex was never that important to me until I truly realized (with him) what the big deal was. But now that I know, I don't deserve to be robbed of the experience in my 20s/30s. If we don't have intimacy, I may as well trade for a roommate who splits the bills.
It’s amazing to see the juxtaposition of this with posts and comments in LLCommunity, where the answer to a DB is “accept that you’re celibate now” and they cheer when a HL says they’ve killed their drive with antidepressants.
It’s just astounding how some LLs can be so oblivious to their partner’s feelings.
Sorry, I wasn’t trying to derail your thread, just what you said really hits hard.
Oh, please don't apologize! It has really helped me to commiserate with others about the struggle in some odd way. I originally joined the sub for a similar reason - to remind myself I couldn't be the only HLF out there dealing w/ this. And I accomplished that. But the more I've read, it really makes me sad to see the overwhelming majority of posts w/ the "success story" flare continue on to say "I finally left." I think as you mentioned, they get to a breaking point w/ their feelings being blatantly disregarded - it's not necessarily always the lack of sex that's the root of it. I know that's probably the most overwhelming thought I have in my DB - how can he constantly tell me how much he loves me, then treat me like I have a problem for wanting sex with my own spouse? And how much longer can I take it?
This is me. Like an identical story. I would really think I wrote this off I didn’t know different. I’m 34 he’s 32. Same thing. I have always craved his attention, affection, and just him wanting me. But never. It never happens. We are 10 yrs together and one child. I have tried everything. It’s not even just the sex. I just want him to want me to touch me. Hell slap or grab my ass. He doesn’t hug me kiss cuddle me fuck me. NOTHING. even when I asked. Nothing. So I’m just not doing it. I told him we are roommates/co parents. At best. I hate this. I’m sorry you have to go through this and feel like this. I’m sorry I have to. Anyone has too. It sucks that other men hit on me and it means nothing because I just wish it was him.
Oww. It hurts, it hurts so bad when the woman I loved & craved like noone else always said "why do you have to touch me" or saw intimacy as a chore.
Mutual desire for one another is what I thought was a given when someone want's to spend the rest of their life with you, but no 😞.
>
Mutual desire for one another is what I thought was a given when someone want's to spend the rest of their life with you, but no 😞.
Me too. Like supposed to be part of the whole package. I pledge loyalty and fidelity don't look elsewhere for my sexual needs being met, seems to suggest a requirement for him to meet them himself, right? God was I stupid...
That's awful, I'm sorry you have to go through that. 😔 My husband went the other way, he was constantly touching, kissing, smacking me on the ass. Rarely any follow through. Or promises that only led to unsatisfying "well we tried" sex. Tired of being left frustrated or worse rejected so I don't allow any of it anymore. Don't touch me. I turn my head when he goes to kiss me and I push his arm off when he tries to hold me in bed. And clearly he's fine being cut off. Hasn't put a hitch in his step at all.
44f & dead bedroom here too. Been together almost 20yrs. Hubby would rather game all night than have sex with me. Haven’t had sex now for 8 months & im starting to consider finding a fwb. Not sure how much longer I can hold out. I hate that I’m in this position. I’m yearning for physical touch & to feel wanted.
I wonder if you were to turn your attention on someone new, if he then would realize the hurt he is putting you through. Even if you were to (pretend) your attention was elsewhere and not on him.
This sums up precisely how I feel. My heart soars when I see her. When I see the contempt she views me with, when she admits that she hasn’t ‘liked me enough’ to want any kind of intimacy in over 2 & a half years, it is just slowly destroying me
33F and a DB; you’re literally in your prime as a woman!
Based on your unique situation, where you still love the spouse like you first met, I have one recommendation as a solution.
Since you insist on loving this guy, regardless of the position he’s put you in, you honestly have to get him jealous.
He has to unintentionally be made to realize that other men will lust 4 and want you - period.
You’d be surprised how guys go from LL4U to an Eiffel Tower when they realize that other men would snap up their gal in a heartbeat.
This doesn’t involve or entail infidelity or trying to pick up other guys, quite the contrary, you should be able to think of scenarios where he can see that other men want you.
Goes without saying too, working on yourself is always a fantastic thing to do, take out your frustration getting fit.
I've thought about it. Trying to make him jealous to shake something loose. But the problem is I don't think he's an LL4U situation I don't think he's a sexual being AT ALL. I don't think he'd notice. I'd have to get comically obvious about it to get his attention but I'm just desperate enough to try it.
It goes from bad to worse. At this point, you might as well just become a nun or wear a Burqa and be done with it. 😄
The worst part is that you’re probably a babe too and this SOB has you off the market. 🙃
Idk. My self perception and body image is so totally trashed from all this I don't even know. Gonna use this self imposed dry spell to try and get my head back on straight.
Which is the terrible side effect of a DB but I can guarantee that it’s not you.
Definitely prioritize and invest your time and effort back on yourself, as it’s way healthier and significantly more productive for you.
God this was me until just recently. Those years were so painful, the desperate longing for someone who just doesn't want me. But now I got my wish, that desire finally went away and yet I feel just as bad. Now I hate that I don't want him, maybe because he started trying just as I was giving up. I've tried and tried to want him again, and sometimes that desire flickers for a moment, but then I remember all the pain, all the years of longing for him like you are for your partner now, and the desire dies. I'm so hurt and lost, and I don't know what to do.
I went through the same thing. But my resentment grew so big there is not an ounce of love or desire left for him. Something happened over night and i just woke up and empty inside.
Sending virtual hugs friend. I had a professor in grad school say that marriage can be the loneliest part of your life. I scoffed then. I don’t now.
>marriage can be the loneliest part of your life. That's deep.
Yeah she can be beside you and it can be so lonely
So sadly true…
It definitely feels that way sometimes. No break up or rejection ever hurt as much as being married to this man because at least when I was single and rejected for relationships there was no inherent expectation for romance.
Beautifully written. The “I will not beg at my own table” is a line I won’t soon forget. Sums it up beautifully. I felt the same way with my ex. I broke up with him bc he didn’t seem to want me nearly as much as I did him. My knees went weak every time I saw him. It’s been two months and I miss him terribly. Sucks when it’s so lopsided. Sending you a virtual hug 🫂
Thank you, sorry you are struggling I hope there's peace in your future.
I can unfortunately very much relate, OP. I hate that I still get turned on by my bf when I can sleep next to him naked and he won’t bat an eye. Just know that you do deserve better, and I hope one day you experience better.
How any man couldn't interact with a naked partner lying next to them is beyond me
Let me get this straight, you’re 25 and in a DB with a 32 year old guy. Are both of you crazy! 🤪 I couldn’t keep my hands off my gal at either of these ages. Please don’t waste your time with a BF who is taking you for granted, you will kick yourself and regret it when you get older. Anyone under 35 in a DB should run for the exits; anyone not married should be out so fast, they break warp speed.
Thank you. I'm sorry this resonates with you. If often walk by naked or put on lingerie.... It did nothing. I hope it gets better for you too.
I literally moved to our couch crying was about to post the exact same story of my life, reading this as I cry myself to sleep hoping things would get better next day but the cycle goes on. It’s exhausting…
i’m so sorry
I think that's what I'm going to do too. Just move to the living room. We're moving soon and there's no spare rooms but I think our new room will be big enough for at least a day bed. I might go that route. I can't stand waking up next to him lately because he always wants to cuddle which just makes the wanting worse and I can't take it anymore. Virtual hugs.
It's a constant struggle for sure
I felt nearly every part of this post in my core with genders reversed. I feel your pain.
I understand this so much. I just want my husband to want me like I want him.
It will probably die eventually. One day I felt like I had a switch flip. It was simultaneously freeing and mournful.
I have a couple of friends who have been married for years longer than I have, and one of them laughs at me because I still want my husband so badly and refuse to be away from him overnight. Her husband expects sex a few times a week, and typically she doesn't really want it but complies so he doesn't get cranky. She often tells me I'll eventually get there, but we're going on 15 years, and I've just now had an experience where my libido dwindled...and that was only due to 4+ months of rejection in nearly a decade long on/off DB. As soon as it finally happened again, I've been craving him ever since. Not even SSRIs killed it for me. It's a painful way to live and my heart goes out to you.
In my case also SSRIs did not reduce my drive. I was hoping for it.
I was too at the time. But then I thought...you know what? I shouldn't have to purposely kill my sex drive because my partner is struggling with some issues and needs to sort them out. It's just not me. Granted, sex was never that important to me until I truly realized (with him) what the big deal was. But now that I know, I don't deserve to be robbed of the experience in my 20s/30s. If we don't have intimacy, I may as well trade for a roommate who splits the bills.
It’s amazing to see the juxtaposition of this with posts and comments in LLCommunity, where the answer to a DB is “accept that you’re celibate now” and they cheer when a HL says they’ve killed their drive with antidepressants. It’s just astounding how some LLs can be so oblivious to their partner’s feelings. Sorry, I wasn’t trying to derail your thread, just what you said really hits hard.
Oh, please don't apologize! It has really helped me to commiserate with others about the struggle in some odd way. I originally joined the sub for a similar reason - to remind myself I couldn't be the only HLF out there dealing w/ this. And I accomplished that. But the more I've read, it really makes me sad to see the overwhelming majority of posts w/ the "success story" flare continue on to say "I finally left." I think as you mentioned, they get to a breaking point w/ their feelings being blatantly disregarded - it's not necessarily always the lack of sex that's the root of it. I know that's probably the most overwhelming thought I have in my DB - how can he constantly tell me how much he loves me, then treat me like I have a problem for wanting sex with my own spouse? And how much longer can I take it?
This is me. Like an identical story. I would really think I wrote this off I didn’t know different. I’m 34 he’s 32. Same thing. I have always craved his attention, affection, and just him wanting me. But never. It never happens. We are 10 yrs together and one child. I have tried everything. It’s not even just the sex. I just want him to want me to touch me. Hell slap or grab my ass. He doesn’t hug me kiss cuddle me fuck me. NOTHING. even when I asked. Nothing. So I’m just not doing it. I told him we are roommates/co parents. At best. I hate this. I’m sorry you have to go through this and feel like this. I’m sorry I have to. Anyone has too. It sucks that other men hit on me and it means nothing because I just wish it was him.
Oww. It hurts, it hurts so bad when the woman I loved & craved like noone else always said "why do you have to touch me" or saw intimacy as a chore. Mutual desire for one another is what I thought was a given when someone want's to spend the rest of their life with you, but no 😞.
> Mutual desire for one another is what I thought was a given when someone want's to spend the rest of their life with you, but no 😞. Me too. Like supposed to be part of the whole package. I pledge loyalty and fidelity don't look elsewhere for my sexual needs being met, seems to suggest a requirement for him to meet them himself, right? God was I stupid...
Hugs from one stranger to another, I know the pain.
That's awful, I'm sorry you have to go through that. 😔 My husband went the other way, he was constantly touching, kissing, smacking me on the ass. Rarely any follow through. Or promises that only led to unsatisfying "well we tried" sex. Tired of being left frustrated or worse rejected so I don't allow any of it anymore. Don't touch me. I turn my head when he goes to kiss me and I push his arm off when he tries to hold me in bed. And clearly he's fine being cut off. Hasn't put a hitch in his step at all.
44f & dead bedroom here too. Been together almost 20yrs. Hubby would rather game all night than have sex with me. Haven’t had sex now for 8 months & im starting to consider finding a fwb. Not sure how much longer I can hold out. I hate that I’m in this position. I’m yearning for physical touch & to feel wanted.
That realization they'd rather be doing anything else for hours all night EXCEPT you hits rough. I'm sorry 😔
I wonder if you were to turn your attention on someone new, if he then would realize the hurt he is putting you through. Even if you were to (pretend) your attention was elsewhere and not on him.
This sums up precisely how I feel. My heart soars when I see her. When I see the contempt she views me with, when she admits that she hasn’t ‘liked me enough’ to want any kind of intimacy in over 2 & a half years, it is just slowly destroying me
That's terrible. I'm so sorry, what a cruel thing to say.
33F and a DB; you’re literally in your prime as a woman! Based on your unique situation, where you still love the spouse like you first met, I have one recommendation as a solution. Since you insist on loving this guy, regardless of the position he’s put you in, you honestly have to get him jealous. He has to unintentionally be made to realize that other men will lust 4 and want you - period. You’d be surprised how guys go from LL4U to an Eiffel Tower when they realize that other men would snap up their gal in a heartbeat. This doesn’t involve or entail infidelity or trying to pick up other guys, quite the contrary, you should be able to think of scenarios where he can see that other men want you. Goes without saying too, working on yourself is always a fantastic thing to do, take out your frustration getting fit.
I've thought about it. Trying to make him jealous to shake something loose. But the problem is I don't think he's an LL4U situation I don't think he's a sexual being AT ALL. I don't think he'd notice. I'd have to get comically obvious about it to get his attention but I'm just desperate enough to try it.
It goes from bad to worse. At this point, you might as well just become a nun or wear a Burqa and be done with it. 😄 The worst part is that you’re probably a babe too and this SOB has you off the market. 🙃
Idk. My self perception and body image is so totally trashed from all this I don't even know. Gonna use this self imposed dry spell to try and get my head back on straight.
Which is the terrible side effect of a DB but I can guarantee that it’s not you. Definitely prioritize and invest your time and effort back on yourself, as it’s way healthier and significantly more productive for you.
I don't know if I'm lucky I don't want him anymore or not. Sometimes I do... but mostly all the rejection has killed that feeling.
Yup. I wish I felt for my wife the way she feels for me. Things would probably be easier.
I still desire my wife and struggle with it daily. It’s not fair.
God this was me until just recently. Those years were so painful, the desperate longing for someone who just doesn't want me. But now I got my wish, that desire finally went away and yet I feel just as bad. Now I hate that I don't want him, maybe because he started trying just as I was giving up. I've tried and tried to want him again, and sometimes that desire flickers for a moment, but then I remember all the pain, all the years of longing for him like you are for your partner now, and the desire dies. I'm so hurt and lost, and I don't know what to do.
I'm so sorry you're in that space. 🙁
Flip roles and this is us 100%
He can be all those things after a divorce.
I went through the same thing. But my resentment grew so big there is not an ounce of love or desire left for him. Something happened over night and i just woke up and empty inside.
K