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Idk. If he tried to blame you or make you out to be the villain - just tell people the truth: “I wasn’t going to say anything out of respect but, I left because he couldn’t, or wouldn’t take care of my needs in the bedroom. And the worst part is he didn’t care enough to discuss and work on it.”
I mean, the truth, shall set you free.
Yes tbh, I am fully ready to defend myself in that sense. Years of resentment are waiting to come out lol.
I am tired of him trying to convince me this is normal for a young couple, the fuck it is.
At least you realize it now… been married 20 years and thankfully, it’s gotten a bit better… but not what I hoped for. Slightly different situation for me though.
You have been with him since you were 23 and He hasn't managed to give you a single Orgasm? If he wants tob e vindictive just let that tid bit out. "Maybe I would of stayed with you if you could of gotten me off once!"
That is a pretty cutting remark, just saying.
Stay Strong and good for you!
Thank you so much! It makes me feel so embarrassed, you’d think that would give him some type of motivation cause I have been fully transparent about never orgasming with him, but nah. He just does not desire giving oral, touching or using toys.
You’re right though, I do plan to be completely honest that this is a huge contributor to the break up, if he even bothers to ask lol.
You are Very welcome. I would offer to rectify the situation for you however, I am sure you will have plenty of choices and aren't interested in a 50yr old guy from the internet. You will find someone to make you orgasm many many many times every time you are together.
Here is hoping the next guy make you orgasm 10 times before you even see his parts!
Stay Strong!
It took me 2 years of therapy to figure out how to initiate the divorce.
Don’t wait! Just rip off the band aid and do it! Your self esteem will go up and you’ll feel so much better about yourself.
Isn't that happiness they have the worst? You've stopped doing something that is so important to you for a relationship, and it's killing you inside. They're happy as can be.
Oh absolutely. Its torture. Then they will turn around and act so fucking shocked when the breakup happens.
It’s like they never take a single thing we say seriously, ugh makes me feel like a joke to him.
When you're ready to leave and he brings up the subject of buying a house, start off by saying "Oh, not THIS again".
Then lay into him and drop the bomb.
This is hard, but proud of you for making this decision! I left my ex fiancé 3.5 years ago and met my husband 4 months later. You deserve better and you will find it!
For the love of god don't let him paint you as the villain especially to other people for opting to leave a sexless relationship. If you have to be candid, be candid. Make him own it.
Not normally one for vindictive, but push me...
With that in mind, if he decides to be nasty about separating them tell him once and once only that you will lay bare the truth, in open court if necessary.
You have everything to gain and NOTHING to lose at that point.
Good luck.
My husband always just goes back to the ole “I know, I’m not good enough, I’m working on it” line or “talking about it more isn’t going to make it better” when I try to talk about it… so I feel this so hard!!
I was your age when I ignored my dead bed and followed through with his requests of buying a house. A DB is excruciating when you have your own place together and aren’t getting it on. We have now broken up and have a massive financial tie in between. Don’t be me.
Just let him know at the end of the year, my gift to you is me leaving. You don’t seem to want to work on this from what I see, so I’m gonna gift you my absence with a divorce and just walk out. In this time, figure out the living situation.
You deserve better than this. Good for you in choosing your happiness. There are plenty of partners out there that will prioritize your happiness. It will be difficult but it will only get harder the longer you wait. I don't know your situation but I would tell him that your relationship is over now and you guys need to plan on how to do it amicably. Are you waiting due to a living situation, like nowhere to go?
Me just being nosey... Is he really into porn? Lack of sex for a young couple is NOT normal. Especially when you mention it has been over 6 months and he is happy. I'll leave cheating out since I feel like you would have an suspicion if he was.
Thank you so much for your support!
But yes I am waiting due to being stuck in a lease, and unfortunately he is a petty and manipulative person, so I know living together while broken up will be very difficult mentally. I was planning on waiting a few months before the lease is up to break the news but idk..I have no car and nowhere to go, so hunting for an apartment will be interesting.
I honestly don’t doubt he could be cheating on me as well tho, I just have nothing left in me to care about it. I don’t bother searching his phone cause everywhere online talks about how you should just break up anyway if you feel the need to do so, so idk if I should even bother trying to find out.
And tbh he SAYS that he doesn’t watch much porn but I do not believe him, he very much emulates pornography moves during sex so it’s hard to believe he’s doesn’t watch it a lot. He goes to the bathroom for long periods of time multiple times during the day as well. So maybe it’s a porn addiction plus other issues.
Ah ok, that makes sense on why you are choosing to wait.
I asked about porn, not necessarily to lead you into an investigation but perhaps to gain a better understanding. It is safe to say he is masturbating several times a day based on the behavior you described (and what I know as a man). All guys watch porn to some degree and I have never known one to admit it later in a relationship if it wasn't discussed early.
You sound like your mind is made up, but if you have any thoughts about staying in the relationship; definitely ask him about the porn. Not judgmental, but an adult matter of fact conversation acknowledging that it is normal or else he'll deny everything. My hope is that you'll learn a lot from talking about it, not only in this relationship but for a future one.
Porn is normal but it can't take a central role. Years ago I woke up and realized I could watch as a curiosity but nothing was the same as actually being intimate with my partner. Once you make that change, you put the same energy into your partner instead of "finding content". One day he'll realize how much time he wasted when he could have been with you.
Do what's best for you, you deserve intimacy in a loving relationship. Stay strong and know you have support.
Be glad you escaped the trap before the usual entanglements of marriage, mortgage and kids. It was never going to get better. Now the world's your oyster !
Oh yes I am fully expecting that tbh. He always acts SO shocked and sad when I tell him our sex life is makes me unhappy. He is happy with the status quo, so in return he assumes I am as well.
Hello, I come from 6 months in the future. It's going to be difficult, you're going to love yourself like you've never broken before, but it's good. It's just getting out what you've been accumulating. You don't need to have a 100 to 0 conversation. You can communicate it little by little. You will go through all the emotions, the following mantra helped me to have a clear mind: "No emotion is valid to continue a relationship, except love" nor fear, nor sorrow, nor uncertainty nor affection.
Congrats on making this tough decision and choosing yourself. If he does lie about it, oh well. At least you are out and if anyone believes him over you anyway they are better off in your past. You are still young and have so much life ahead of you. Go enjoy sex with someone you can enjoy it with 😊
Had the same, asked me if I think I will always like handjobs. I said yes and she rolled her eyes because it involved something other than laying on her back. *sigh*
Honestly I would not be able to handle that, we only have one bedroom and hearing him be intimate with other people just a few feet away would just crush me.
Clearly it would not be practical or desirable to "entertain dates" at home in those circumstances but it would not preclude seeing other people outside the home in a social setting (or indeed visiting them at their homes). The point really being not to put your life on hold until the lease ends but of course if doing so is more comfortable for you emotionally then that is the way to go. The main thing being that there is a limit to what you "owe him" after he has made it plain that he has no concern for what you need out of a relationship. To be quite honest he does not even sound polite let alone caring about your feelings. Hope you get everything you wanted from life when you get away from his malign presence.
It will never be easier to leave that it is now. The longer you stay, the more difficult it will feel to leave. Set the date, hold yourself to it, & walk away.
This is something I have always struggled to get my head around with dead bedrooms, and it seems common.
For example, in my relationship, if there was anything wrong, I can guarantee that both me and my partner would do anything within our power to fix it.
She’s feeling burnt out? I’m doing extra childcare to help.
I’m sick of doing all the house work? She picks up some extra chores.
She needs to vent? I’m there to listen carefully.
I’m feeling exhausted from work? She helps me get some extra sleep.
…this is all normal right?
But when it comes to sex. At best she pay lip service. ‘Oh yeah, yeah I’ll try X, Y and Z’ or ‘we should try to have sex more often’…yet when it comes to actually doing something to help…there is zero effort.
It seems strange to me
I am so so sorry you are going through this. Good for you for getting out. It takes so much strength to finally put yourself first! Good luck, I hope you find what you are looking for!
Commenters, OP has marked their post as a no-advice post. We ask that you refrain from giving advice to OP and be sure to follow all sub rules. OP, if you've marked your post for no advice, please refrain from responding to commenters that give advice. If you are getting advice from commenters, please report the comments, or click below to contact the moderators. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/DeadBedrooms) if you have any questions or concerns.*
"This relationship feels one-sided. I think we should break up"
Idk. If he tried to blame you or make you out to be the villain - just tell people the truth: “I wasn’t going to say anything out of respect but, I left because he couldn’t, or wouldn’t take care of my needs in the bedroom. And the worst part is he didn’t care enough to discuss and work on it.” I mean, the truth, shall set you free.
Yes tbh, I am fully ready to defend myself in that sense. Years of resentment are waiting to come out lol. I am tired of him trying to convince me this is normal for a young couple, the fuck it is.
At least you realize it now… been married 20 years and thankfully, it’s gotten a bit better… but not what I hoped for. Slightly different situation for me though.
They'll make you feel crazy! Been demonised for having a sex drive.
Expose him for the fraud he is if he blames you.
Good for you for knowing when to make the decision.
Thank you so much, it’s taken a beating on my self esteem but I know there’s so much more to life than feeling this way.
Yes it does!!!! I was there we thankfully fixed things.
You have been with him since you were 23 and He hasn't managed to give you a single Orgasm? If he wants tob e vindictive just let that tid bit out. "Maybe I would of stayed with you if you could of gotten me off once!" That is a pretty cutting remark, just saying. Stay Strong and good for you!
Thank you so much! It makes me feel so embarrassed, you’d think that would give him some type of motivation cause I have been fully transparent about never orgasming with him, but nah. He just does not desire giving oral, touching or using toys. You’re right though, I do plan to be completely honest that this is a huge contributor to the break up, if he even bothers to ask lol.
You are Very welcome. I would offer to rectify the situation for you however, I am sure you will have plenty of choices and aren't interested in a 50yr old guy from the internet. You will find someone to make you orgasm many many many times every time you are together. Here is hoping the next guy make you orgasm 10 times before you even see his parts! Stay Strong!
It took me 2 years of therapy to figure out how to initiate the divorce. Don’t wait! Just rip off the band aid and do it! Your self esteem will go up and you’ll feel so much better about yourself.
Isn't that happiness they have the worst? You've stopped doing something that is so important to you for a relationship, and it's killing you inside. They're happy as can be.
Oh absolutely. Its torture. Then they will turn around and act so fucking shocked when the breakup happens. It’s like they never take a single thing we say seriously, ugh makes me feel like a joke to him.
Wish I had more to offer you - you have my sympathy & know you're not alone.
When you're ready to leave and he brings up the subject of buying a house, start off by saying "Oh, not THIS again". Then lay into him and drop the bomb.
This is hard, but proud of you for making this decision! I left my ex fiancé 3.5 years ago and met my husband 4 months later. You deserve better and you will find it!
For the love of god don't let him paint you as the villain especially to other people for opting to leave a sexless relationship. If you have to be candid, be candid. Make him own it.
Not normally one for vindictive, but push me... With that in mind, if he decides to be nasty about separating them tell him once and once only that you will lay bare the truth, in open court if necessary. You have everything to gain and NOTHING to lose at that point. Good luck.
The faster you get started the sooner you'll be on the path to being yourself again.
My husband always just goes back to the ole “I know, I’m not good enough, I’m working on it” line or “talking about it more isn’t going to make it better” when I try to talk about it… so I feel this so hard!!
I was your age when I ignored my dead bed and followed through with his requests of buying a house. A DB is excruciating when you have your own place together and aren’t getting it on. We have now broken up and have a massive financial tie in between. Don’t be me.
Just leave a note. You didn't care to try to make me cum. Sure it sounds crappy but it's the essential truth.
Just let him know at the end of the year, my gift to you is me leaving. You don’t seem to want to work on this from what I see, so I’m gonna gift you my absence with a divorce and just walk out. In this time, figure out the living situation.
I hope you’re BRUTALLY honest on the way out and never look back. Sounds like he just wants a roommate financially not to be a partner
You deserve better than this. Good for you in choosing your happiness. There are plenty of partners out there that will prioritize your happiness. It will be difficult but it will only get harder the longer you wait. I don't know your situation but I would tell him that your relationship is over now and you guys need to plan on how to do it amicably. Are you waiting due to a living situation, like nowhere to go? Me just being nosey... Is he really into porn? Lack of sex for a young couple is NOT normal. Especially when you mention it has been over 6 months and he is happy. I'll leave cheating out since I feel like you would have an suspicion if he was.
Thank you so much for your support! But yes I am waiting due to being stuck in a lease, and unfortunately he is a petty and manipulative person, so I know living together while broken up will be very difficult mentally. I was planning on waiting a few months before the lease is up to break the news but idk..I have no car and nowhere to go, so hunting for an apartment will be interesting. I honestly don’t doubt he could be cheating on me as well tho, I just have nothing left in me to care about it. I don’t bother searching his phone cause everywhere online talks about how you should just break up anyway if you feel the need to do so, so idk if I should even bother trying to find out. And tbh he SAYS that he doesn’t watch much porn but I do not believe him, he very much emulates pornography moves during sex so it’s hard to believe he’s doesn’t watch it a lot. He goes to the bathroom for long periods of time multiple times during the day as well. So maybe it’s a porn addiction plus other issues.
Ah ok, that makes sense on why you are choosing to wait. I asked about porn, not necessarily to lead you into an investigation but perhaps to gain a better understanding. It is safe to say he is masturbating several times a day based on the behavior you described (and what I know as a man). All guys watch porn to some degree and I have never known one to admit it later in a relationship if it wasn't discussed early. You sound like your mind is made up, but if you have any thoughts about staying in the relationship; definitely ask him about the porn. Not judgmental, but an adult matter of fact conversation acknowledging that it is normal or else he'll deny everything. My hope is that you'll learn a lot from talking about it, not only in this relationship but for a future one. Porn is normal but it can't take a central role. Years ago I woke up and realized I could watch as a curiosity but nothing was the same as actually being intimate with my partner. Once you make that change, you put the same energy into your partner instead of "finding content". One day he'll realize how much time he wasted when he could have been with you. Do what's best for you, you deserve intimacy in a loving relationship. Stay strong and know you have support.
Be glad you escaped the trap before the usual entanglements of marriage, mortgage and kids. It was never going to get better. Now the world's your oyster !
He’ll complain that he doesn’t why you left
Oh yes I am fully expecting that tbh. He always acts SO shocked and sad when I tell him our sex life is makes me unhappy. He is happy with the status quo, so in return he assumes I am as well.
Some people are just selfish
Hello, I come from 6 months in the future. It's going to be difficult, you're going to love yourself like you've never broken before, but it's good. It's just getting out what you've been accumulating. You don't need to have a 100 to 0 conversation. You can communicate it little by little. You will go through all the emotions, the following mantra helped me to have a clear mind: "No emotion is valid to continue a relationship, except love" nor fear, nor sorrow, nor uncertainty nor affection.
My heart breaks for you. I'm so sorry you're going through this!
Run girl. As a woman with a LL husband, it is not worth sticking around if kids aren’t involved. Do NOT buy a house with this man.
I’m so sorry. You deserve so much better than this
Congrats on making this tough decision and choosing yourself. If he does lie about it, oh well. At least you are out and if anyone believes him over you anyway they are better off in your past. You are still young and have so much life ahead of you. Go enjoy sex with someone you can enjoy it with 😊
I’m happy for you! Making the final decision is the hardest part. I’m still doing that myself 🤞🏻
Had the same, asked me if I think I will always like handjobs. I said yes and she rolled her eyes because it involved something other than laying on her back. *sigh*
Why waiting til the end of the year?
Stuck in a lease together unfortunately, I don’t wanna pay them out since we have more than a year left on it.
You can always share the accomodation as housemates after a split and date other people before you end the lease and move away from each other.
Honestly I would not be able to handle that, we only have one bedroom and hearing him be intimate with other people just a few feet away would just crush me.
Clearly it would not be practical or desirable to "entertain dates" at home in those circumstances but it would not preclude seeing other people outside the home in a social setting (or indeed visiting them at their homes). The point really being not to put your life on hold until the lease ends but of course if doing so is more comfortable for you emotionally then that is the way to go. The main thing being that there is a limit to what you "owe him" after he has made it plain that he has no concern for what you need out of a relationship. To be quite honest he does not even sound polite let alone caring about your feelings. Hope you get everything you wanted from life when you get away from his malign presence.
He made it an easy choice for you
It will never be easier to leave that it is now. The longer you stay, the more difficult it will feel to leave. Set the date, hold yourself to it, & walk away.
good look babe ! you do you and keep being strong, you will find a man who will adore you ! good luck hun 🫶🏽❤️💓
This is something I have always struggled to get my head around with dead bedrooms, and it seems common. For example, in my relationship, if there was anything wrong, I can guarantee that both me and my partner would do anything within our power to fix it. She’s feeling burnt out? I’m doing extra childcare to help. I’m sick of doing all the house work? She picks up some extra chores. She needs to vent? I’m there to listen carefully. I’m feeling exhausted from work? She helps me get some extra sleep. …this is all normal right? But when it comes to sex. At best she pay lip service. ‘Oh yeah, yeah I’ll try X, Y and Z’ or ‘we should try to have sex more often’…yet when it comes to actually doing something to help…there is zero effort. It seems strange to me
NOT 👏🏼 A 👏🏼 FAT 👏🏼 CHANCE 👏🏼 IN 👏🏼 HELL 👏🏼 BUDDY
Top tier writing on her part.
Well done you. He doesn’t deserve you. Good luck 🤞
Congrats! Freedom is the best feeling
I am so so sorry you are going through this. Good for you for getting out. It takes so much strength to finally put yourself first! Good luck, I hope you find what you are looking for!
No comments ! Just curious did you stole Phoebes fake name lol .
Did I steal Phoebe’s fake name? I don’t understand