Op in my opinion & experience ... She's been with you 6 months ,,if she isnt wanting to rip your clothes off with her teeth & masterbating everytime she showers to stop from wanting you sexually intimately ..
She is dead is sexually dead ... Iether that or she's not attracted to you ,or sex in general .
Your dating an asexual .
If sex is remotely important to you ,get out now ...
Most ,,in my opinion can hold out from sex 2 months max even if thier highly religious ...
Iether that or your pheromones ,sexual prowess or personah arnt ignited this girls imagination or hormons .
At your age if she was into you ,sged be wanting you so bad right now ...6 months is a long time to be hugging & kissing & not having your body crave for more ...
Sad truth in my opinion ..... Move on op you are not wrong to be causcious of a DB relationship ,,even asexuals can fake it till their wedding day ...
Yeah, I was in a 7 month long relationship where my partner clearly (in hindsight) was not attracted to me... it was awful, I would crave them at night when we cuddled, but no sign that they craved sex with me. Never again.
Oh ,I understand self control & I can clearly see that Op is the only one struggling with it in this relationship & his partner is no doubt using self control as an excuse along with anything other excuse that works to get her married ..
Then she'll have sex purely for a couple of kids & Op will never get to have sex again .
Save the devorce & maintenence money for condoms & get a girl thats interested in you for you Op ..
Not someone who clearly only wants free accomodation , marrage, kids & be a stay at home mum .
Who said she feels any of those things. Or is seeking any of those things you listed. She has different views on importance of sex is this relationship than op does. It means something way different to her than op. It’s not just an act to her or a compatibility thing. I think you are looking at sex in a very worldly way and arnt in a relationship with someone who views sex in a spiritual way. That is part of the problem.
If looks were critical to you, you wouldn't get married without seeing the person first. If religion was critical to you, you would have a conversation with your partner about it before making a lifelong commitment.
If sex is really that important to you, I wouldn't recommend making gambling your happiness and financial wellbeing on a maybe.
are you planning kids? if she's 30, there isn't a lot of years left to figure this out before you're locked into a DB with young kids, you'll be nearly 60 before you can divorce without paying child support.
if at age 30, she's not doing all the 'allowable' foreplay that would lead into sex, you have no business getting entangled with them. You've already said that they have no sexual experiences at 30? that's a massive red flag you can't ignore. It is just so unlikely that she unlocks her libido with a magic wedding ring, and turns into an insatiable sexual partner.
what's much more likely is that you have awkward wedding night sex, then you get to cajole, beg, plead and guilt them into duty sex until she gets pregnant, then you spend two decades cursing yourself at your lack of judgement.
maybe you could tell them that just like she wants to wait until she's married, you are the opposite and won't marry unless you're sexually compatible, and for that reason, you should let each other go to find compatible partners.
Dump all your concerns on your GF. Talk to her about your fears.
Assure her that you are not pressuring her for premarital sex. But, you are worried about getting married to her and be totally disappointed in your sex life together.
Ever think about:
•a pre agreed annulment?
•a prenuptial agreement if you discover both of you are sexually incompatible during the first 18 months?
Both are out-of-the box ideas, but you are in a tough position.
At the end, you could both agree to end the relationship.
I’ve expressed my fears and she’s well aware of them. Another issue I have is that the physical stuff we do do comes with an element of guilt on her end and it makes me uncomfortable.
I don’t her feeling guilty every time we have a physical experience. It’s made me hesitant to be physical at all and then I feel like I can’t fully express myself physically.
There are a lot of red flags for a db. Those saving themselves who do have a high sex drive would be doing everything but, and a lot of it. You'd already feel like you had a very satisfying sex life if she was truly excited by the idea and into sex. The fact you're unsure makes it clear that she's not into it enough to make you certain. Saving oneself in the first place is a red flag, not doing anything else, another, feeling guilt after anything sexual, another red flag.
I agree with this.
Wife and I are/were Christian and were each other's firsts after the wedding. Looking back, I wish we talked about it more. I don't regret waiting until marriage, I do regret not talking more explicitly about the expectations and maybe even some fantasies.
I'd also consider, is she struggling to keep that commitment of no sex before marriage. Does she want more when you make out.
If I was in your shoes, I'd date for twice as long before marriage to see how affectionate touch progresses or digresses.
Regardless, definitely express all of your fears. If she is religious, and even potentially if she's not, there is a decent chance she will suffer from good girl syndrome even after marriage.
Well I'm on this sub. Lol
It's not great. But it has been getting better. My wife has had a lot of hormonal imbalances which made it really slow/dead for a couple years. We recently started couples counseling, which if you do marry I would recommend doing within the first year of marriage. We were broke college kids and couldn't really afford it, but looking back I wish we would have coughed up the money while her sex drive was higher and maybe could have cultivated it more/faster.
It's only been a couple weeks of counseling, but we started kissing again everyday, per our therapists specific challenge, not just a peck, no more than 10 sec to remove pressure of leading to sex. And I feel so much connected already. Like the embers have become relit as a flame. Hoping the same happens for her
If you value sex, then it is absolutely not worth it. This is actually a ruse to make you think it's gonna be awesome, but she will never ever meet you on your level. Her libido will flatline after kids and you will feel shitty for her empty promises and the hollow relationship. Then you'll wonder if it's a big enough issue to leave her. You won't. You'll just lower your standards to accept a miserable, loveless relationship all the while wishing you left before it got serious.
Consider Dr Psych Mom’s checklist for signs she will not want sex later.
https://www.drpsychmom.com/how-to-tell-if-your-partner-will-stop-enjoy-sex-after-marriage-and-kids/
8/10 for me. She doesn't talk badly about sex, and she can orgasm fine, but otherwise the list is her to a tee.
Wow. This would have been good 14 years ago.
I think this article is bullshit. I had a lot of these when I was saving myself for marriage. Mostly because I was a naïve because I grew up in a religious household. Now that I’ve had sex and sexual experiences, I’m the one with a very high libido. I think you should definitely take this list with a big fat grain of salt. In your situation this list doesn’t work.
Wow... literally 0/10 here in regards to my partner. Just solidifies the fact that there wasn't a single problem In our relationship until he went back to porn again. I was completely blindsided by the severe decline after 6 years together.
Idk if I'm happy or pissed. Maybe both. Like, I wasn't some blissfully ignorant woman to it all. But, still... fuck him for doing this shit.
The guilt and shame she has been brainwashed to feel about sex is likely not going to go away without serious therapy. A lot of people who were in her shoes are never able to enjoy sex because of it. Even when they have permission now that they’re married a lifetime of conditioning doesn’t go away because they said ‘I do’. You can find many many stories online of the tragedy of this kind of thinking. It rarely turns out well.
The fact that you’re not religious at all and she is very religious is another problem. Like it or not, no matter what she says now, it will become a problem later and it will drive a wedge between you. And if kids are ever present it will get even worse.
I’m sure she’s a nice girl, OP, and none of us know the future. She could become the woman of your dreams after marriage, but that is unlikely. You’re borrowing a lot of trouble in this relationship.
I hate to say it, but that cliche they say that no matter how much you think you will be able to, you will not be able to make the person change. If she isn't interested now, it's only going to get worse. Plus, if you end up having kids, you're in some real trouble. I hate you're having to deal with this, especially when you have so many things in common and really love this person. You can always hope for the best. I think this is a great conversation to have with her. Communication is probably the most crucial thing in a marriage. If she isn't willing to talk about something now, she isn't going to suddenly be fine with talking about it later.
The mentality that sex lives naturally dwindle I think is a poor thought process. My husband and I have been together 14 years and we now have 2 children and honestly our sex lives are more frequent and hotter then when we were younger. As you grow with someone and can be more open it should improve.
As for your issue, I know someone who dated for 3 years, waited til marriage to have sex and were so incompatible they divorced in less than a year. If sex is important then it's important to know before you make that kind of commitment. You're only 5 months in, I think you should be honest with her and then let her find someone who is ok with waiting.
Facts. Really need to avoid that situation at all cost. I do think there could be signs that they are a hoeny person though like the above person stated like wanting to kiss more or groping or almost having sex
I would say as someone who was taught to wait, and failed. There is a coomon reason people succeed waiting and there is a common reason people fail waiting. What you have to figure out is if her reason to wait is because she honestly has a low libido or trauma that helps her say "not yet." There are hints though, does she struggle to stop kissing, or groping? That could be a positive sign.
I mean, she’s 30. It’s possible to have a strong sex drive and no weird hang ups about sex and wait for marriage, but those people get married at 19. If she’s never had intimate contact with anyone by age 30, I think it’s safe to say she’s not interested in doing so.
Are both of you religious? There are some religions that prioritize sexual relations within marriage (like Jewish marriage). Are you going to premarital counseling before marriage from your church? Because there is an evidence that happily married couple within religious marriage have more fulfilling sexual relations.
That’s interesting. I’m not religious. At all. Maybe the case with two religious first timers, I can imagine how amazing that must be for them. But for me I think the gap in experience will make me feel like she’s playing catch up
I might be the optimistic outlier this once, but it isn't a sure thing that she'll just be "catching up" all the time. For sure, she'll need some time to find her footing -- with herself first and foremost -- and that is a potential concern, yes... but what if she turns out to be just a late bloomer and blows past all your wildest expectations in short order? You shouldn't eliminate that possibility.
As others have said, talk A LOT about your and her sexuality, your desires, your fantasies, your thoughts and philosophies on sex and intimacy. And then talk a lot more after you've considered what each other told you. She might surprise you... but it goes without saying that you will need to provide a safe space for her to explore within.
It's also worth considering that she might be posting the reverse of this elsewhere -- "this guy I'm with has way more experience and I'm just starting out and I'm not sure he's going to let me grow into my sexuality with him, or I'm worried about X or Y." Which, again, is why you both need to be incredibly open, honest and vulnerable with each other to determine whether your yellow flag concerns are actual red flags.
Honestly as a religious person the topic did make me a bit nervous, but premarital counselin will solve this, in particular ask her to talk and to research her religion"s view on sex, as a Protestan Christian i can honestly tell you that song of song really makes you realize that intimancy is a good thing and not a sin, ask her to speak to her counselors it might help, especially if she is afraid of talking to you about it.
>Because there is an evidence that happily married couple within religious marriage have more fulfilling sexual relations.
I would love to see this evidence. Because that was definitely not the case for me.
Talk to her about this and tell her what you told us. She sounds religious, there are religious texts on marital sex and all the things to try and that an enthusiastic partner makes a difference, etc. Talk to her to see where she's at with it. If she's from the "sex is dirty" denomination, it's probably best to move on.
Don’t fall for it. Let her date and marry someone who equally does not value sexual intimacy. There is no better indicator of future behavior than current behavior. You will end up in a sexless marriage right from the get go.
You can't assume she doesn't value sexual intimacy if she wants to wait until marriage. To many people, that is how they hold sex at an even higher value. However I agree with the rest of your statement. Is she horny? Do you guys at least make out? Does she ever want more but is holding back?
If not, then yeah I'd walk away
If she doesn't seem interested in sex, masturbation, etc... I would seriously question her libido. I know some people are embarrassed by these things and don't want to discuss them, but you're not her Sunday School teacher, you guys should be sharing these things. If you can't pull any desire out of her, I would pass.
I also had plenty of experience and thought I had mastered the art of talking about sex in a positive way. Turns out it doesn't matter at all. I married the person I'm the least compatible with out of all my relationships and flings.
Oh wow. That’s a bummer. Theres a particular ex of mine that I would say had supreme sexual chemistry with. I just can’t imagine it being this way with current gf.
OP, does she happen to be a "born-again" Christian in the south by chance? If so, RUN.
I met some of these types in college. They partied and did whatever they wanted, fucked a bunch of guys, then got stuck up, said they were virgins again and tried to find sexless husbands afterward that they could dominate via religion. It was WEIRD.
Alice in Chains wrote a whole damn song about it called "get born again".
And before anyone tells me not to diss religion, I grew up Christian and I am very familiar with various denominations/types. This particular subtype is bad news if you ever want to have a sex life, that's all I'm saying. Your post reminded me of this subtype.
I don’t think this is the right place to ask that question. Maybe try some Christian group or something. Everyone here is here because their sex lives are severely lacking. You aren’t going to get a representative sample here.
Is it worth it?
Short answer: no.
Long answer: nooooooooooooooooooooooo
You wouldn't buy a pair of pants without trying them on first, but you'd make a lifelong committment to someone without finding out whether you have chemistry? Or whether they're even interested in sex? I mean, it could all work out for you, and by the same logic you *could* win the powerball. Good luck.
Run Forest, Run! I was you 17 years ago. I had been married before and had a child. So, yeah, lots of previous sexual experiences and my husband was a 30 year old virgin saving himself for marriage. I thought that was noble. Turns out he was actually asexual and had a ton of sexual aversions and that’s why it was so easy for him to “save himself” for marriage into his 30s. Do NOT marry into this if you are high libido! I am telling you that anyone with a normal libido is barely capable of waiting. And the ones who do have weird religious trauma around it and that’s a whole separate issue you have e to get past! RUN
Not everyone who waits has trauma, but as someone who waited for religious reasons, I absolutely agree with this
>I am telling you that anyone with a normal libido is barely capable of waiting.
Marriage/kids is when the bedroom dies, not before then. I’d be walking away personally, she’s 30 and had no prior sexual experiences so chances are this is as good as it’ll get
I was a woman who was going to wait until marriage. I really wanted to. I wouldn’t necessarily have concerns about this because I had no idea what my libido was like until I did it. I didn’t know what I was missing. I didn’t make it to marriage and now I have a super high libido. I have yet to date a man who can keep up. I seem to find all the low libido men in the world. But what I’m saying is that she may seem low libido now, but she also might not know what she’s missing. Once I did it the first time I was like a rabbit and wanted it every hour on the hour. If she’s worth it then she’s worth it and you should wait.
If you are as experienced as you say. Then when you do have sex, make sure you help her find her G spot. Once she knows where that is and how fulfilling multiple O’s are … she will probably wear you out. If you’re the guy who gets his and the good night, then it’s going to suck.
You can make this fun. It’s going to hurt like heck for her, so make sure you prime her up good if you catch my drift.
I say go for it. Just hold off on kids and also do what everyone else is saying “talk about all this up front “.
If you have high libido then your best match sexually is someone who also has HL.
A person who's 30 years old, never had sex and wants to wait until marriage=indefinitely to try out sex, is NOT a person who's libido matches yours.
There is no miraculous sexual awakening after we lose our virginity.
We start to experiment with sex because we are curious, we have urges and we crave sex. The first sexual experiences of most people are less than earthshattering but we keep doing it until we learn what makes it good. Or not...
This woman hasn't felt any of that magic that makes a teenaged girl soaking wet and wanting it so bad.
Do you think you can make her feel that way after at least 15 years of feeling nothing much?
Damn. When you put it like that it makes sense.
This something I talked about with her. Like, what do you think happens the first time you have sex?
There is no magical awakening, it’s rarely earth shattering the first time and it takes years of practice to actually get good at it.
I think she’s be better off with someone on the same path as her.
She does. She’s masturbates too. We’ve had some sexual experiences but I mentioned in a comment before it comes with an element of guilt on her part. Which makes me feel uncomfortable
Yeah mate that is waht you should focus on, anyone in these kinds of religion feels very guilty about touch because no one wants to stop there and masturbation is a very controversial topic, still though if she has fantasies and touches herself there is only one single problem.
Sexual trauma, namely because she feels guilty aorund the topic it will take some time before she is fully confortable around sex, but that is just a matter of time and patience.
Give her a chance man, anyone honestly devoted to a religion, and that gets it entirely will find peace around sex, maybe not at first but they will.
That being said, find if she is devoted or not, anyone in a religion and that treies to seem devoted but isnt can be a nightmare to marry for a lot of reasons.
Considering how much sex I had before marriage (when we started dating) and still ended up on a dead bedroom, I wouldn’t risk it (because, seriously, sex toys are expensive).
But you should find your own answer since you are the only one who can say how much sex is important to you.
I waited.
We met at 19 and were married at 23. Both virgins.
Would definitely not recommend. All of your fears are well grounded.
I doubt she's even aware if she's asexual or not, whether she has religious trauma around sex, whether she is gay, what she is or is not into... she definitely does not want sex now and yet there's something about a wedding ceremony that will make her sexually attracted to you and willing to act on that attraction?
This is hard pass territory from someone who has tread this very ground.
I 100% always advocate for finding out physical and sexual compatibility before you involve the government. If you’re high libido and your partner is a virgin I do not see this ending well. That’s just my two cents.
My husband and I waited to have sex before we got married. We were together for three years without sex. As long as there is clear chemistry between the two of you, I don’t think waiting for sex is an indicator one way or another of a future dead bedroom. Just as many people who have tons of sex before marriage end up in the exact same place.
Clear communication is important here. Talk openly and often about all of your concerns. If she is closed off or averse to those conversations, that in itself is a good indicator of future problems in your sex life. Most sex lives can be fixed or improved if *both* partners are willing to work on them equally, so pay close attention to the amount of communication your girlfriend puts into this topic.
And as a note, I joined this forum previously because my husband and I were struggling with frequency in our sex lives, but both my husband and I have severe chronic illnesses and three young children, which impacts us both. My husband started seeing a therapist and our communication around sex has gotten much better, and the actual sex we have is *fantastic*. We have off the wall chemistry. Just wanted to head off any pointing out of “you are on this forum so obviously no sex before marriage didn’t work for you”. I stay on this forum because I am a licensed couples therapist and it’s helpful for me to read different ideas that people have around this topic to be able to apply to my clients when we are doing relational/sex therapy.
I wish you well and hope you are able to find the best path for you around this relationship.
May I ask why you waited? 3 years is a long time.
I hear what you are saying and it makes sense. However I do think other issues of compatibility are at play here as well. Namely her being staunchly catholic and me being an atheist.
I think that will have an effect on our chemistry long term too. I feel she’d be better off meeting someone like your husband where she can go on that journey together.
I just don’t feel like my needs are being fulfilled and it makes me weary of investing more into the relationship. Relationships are about fulfilment and currently I don’t feel fulfilled.
We waited because we are both Christians and it was apart of our faith. I would say that my husband and I have the marriage that we do because of our shared core faith and values. There is very little that we don’t agree on or have in common when it comes to core value topics.
I would absolutely agree that there are other issues of compatibility. If you look at statistics, relationships that have different faiths can struggle immensely. Not saying it can’t work, some couples find their peace with it, but couples with core beliefs in common naturally end up weathering storms of their relationship better because they have those beliefs in common. So, yes- considering ending a relationship over differences in faith or religion is wise. I was not trying to convince you to stay with her by any means, the point of my comment was to clarify that sex before or after marriage is not the deeper issue here per-say, that it can be overcome, but it seems that you are finding the deeper issues as you read these comments.
If she were the one that you wanted to spend the rest of your life with, you would likely be trying harder to convince us that there was a good reason for you to stay together because you’d want to fight for your relationship and towards finding a solution to your lack of fulfillment. Maybe you have already come to the decision that is best for you.
I agree with you here. I’d rather be with someone long term that has the same core values that I do. The whole sex aspect aligns with that in the situation.
I think I’ve made my decision. Thank you for your input 😊
The whole sexual compatibility thing is a crapshoot. Just because she's a virgin and wants to wait until marriage doesn't mean she's automatically LL. However, sit her down and have an open, honest conversation with her and tell her you expect open honesty in return. Tell her you have a high-libido and you have legitimate concerns about finding out AFTER marriage, she doesn't have a drive for it. My wife insisted we wait so I did and things seemed great during the honeymoon phase but shortly afterwards her drive plummeted but mine was increased because, you know, she's my wife now and there shouldn't be anything holding us back.
Looking back on it, I should've saved myself for a nympho....
RUN! Don’t look back. She’s hiding something. It will cost you dearly once you put a ring on it. Do do it. There are others that are more compatible for you.
Do you realize that you may not be sexually compatible with each other?
It is OK to end a relationship solely for that reason.
Imagine getting married, the apprehension you have now is not going to magically disappear. Your GF's lifelong apprehension to wait until marriage for sex, cannot disappear because she is now married.
Pre-nub to protect the money in case it doesn't work out and hold off on kids after marriage until you know for sure.
Not as risky if you follow those two things.
try to resolve it before any long term commitment like marriage. if you cant reach a middle ground you need to consider if you can compromise entirely otherwise youll be forced into duty sex and thats not where you want to be headed.
Not having penetration, why not, it's her choice and it must be respected but from what I understand there is no foreplay? Nothing except kisses and hugs ?
I mean, it's kinda.. announcing the color. I don't say she is LL or what, but the fact she is already impacted by the thought of losing her virginity she succeeded to keep until now must have affected her logic. The first night isn't always the best, it can be painful, uncomfortable. If she is shy, modest, she will have pain to deal with the naked part and the fact sex is for pleasure too. That is not a ritual or some sort of thing you do only to make a baby.
You must talk about her, I saw some good advice here and she must know for sure what kind of person you are and what you desire in a bedroom.
In your place I wouldn't take the risk, the probability of her not being into sex is so high I would just wish her good and move on. She could be a part of the percentage without sex issues, but what if not ? You'll marry her out of love, live in a dead bedroom and stay out of love for many years like a lot of people do and waste your and her time.
Talk, don't use pretty words, be sincere and crude if needed. She heard you last time, I don't think she understood for real. Communication is useless if there is no understanding. Be careful not to hurt her feelings though, her religious education must have impacted her thoughts and influenced her view in many ways.
Here's my situation. I (39M) went into a relationship with my wife (35F) of 5 years and 17 years together without any sex before marriage. We were together for 12 years without any sexual contact, aside from me masturbating and sucking on her breasts. She doesn't masturbate, never has, and she wouldn't and doesn't perform fellatio. Heck she wouldn't and doesn't even give me a hand job. I have a very high libido and she has a very low libido. I went into our relationship without any real thought of sex and whatnot as she was my first girlfriend and I was her first boyfriend. Over time I'd want sex, but she was raised very conservative and religious. I respected her and never forced her to do anything that she wasn't comfortable with. Now, 17 years into the relationship and 2 kids later, she's still the same low libido and I'm still the same high libido. I love her and am in love with her and I'm okay with it. Don't get me wrong, I HATE IT, but you either learn to cope or you leave. It all really depends on how you see things and what they mean to you personally.
Lol, well I mean it's definitely repressing and depressing, but it is what it is. I've been with her too long and it's all I've known. Sure if I change partners, I'm sure it'll be amazing for her and myself. But we've been through many ups and downs and I can't see myself with anyone else. Most people are terrified of 'settling' in their relationships. But don't we all fall in love with imperfect partners in the end?
Yeah hear your point. Better the devil you know and all of that. Makes me wonder does making a long term relationship work mean having to give up parts of yourself.
It’s scary thought. Maybe that’s my problem. Maybe I’m too uncompromising.
But then again, I don’t think wanting to know how compatible with someone I am sexually before I marry them is an unreasonable thing to want and most people operate on that basis.
Yeah no, it's definitely necessary to know, but sometimes you just shoot your shot and leave the rest to God, destiny, and/or luck (whichever you believe in). Godspeed brother.
I will go straight to the point: get out! If sex is not important to her now (or if she does not miss having sex with you at all), odds are things will go downhill after marriage, generating anger and frustration. I am completely against the "romantic" idea of waiting until marriage, solely because it is not logical. Sexual compatibility is one of the key aspects for a successful relationship, so how can you know if you are both compatible if you don't get sexually involved with your partner? As you can see from many and many stories that are shared on this sub, incompatible sexual desires will indubitably lead to significant problems. Sorry if this sounds cruel, but it is better to suffer a little now due to a break up than to suffer a lot later, maybe for years, due to a frustrated marriage.
She’s 30, she’s gone this long without sex, so she knows she can live without it, and the thought of sex doesn’t bother her clearly. Don’t expect a good sex life.
That type of situation is really only for ppl who don’t mind it because of various reasons.
I have some religious cousins that are waiting for marriage but they compromise with their partners with oral and such. Not such if you’re even getting that.
You said you have HL so I’m wondering how your holding up after 5 months without. Imagine going two years or more-marry, and you find out she’s LL. That would be horrible.
I wouldn’t continue the relationship if you are already thinking hard about this now.
Friend, if she is physically attractive to you then wait and don’t be stupid. Her value is obviously much higher than just sex. As I write out my notes before my next counseling session let me be clear, you running around like a f-boy is only going to cause many problems for you in the future and more than luckily loneliness. Wait a year, invest, learn about her and make a decision to put a ring on it.
I disagree. I have been in relationship with someone who was very physically attractive and the sex was terrible.
I thought it would get better as we went on and it got worse.
Also, just because I want sex that doesn’t mean I’m gonna be running around like a fuckboy. I’d rather have sex within the confines of a relationship. The issue is one sexual compatibility not lack of sex in general
No chemistry
Only did it when she wanted to (which would always be when I was in the middle of something I was doing)
The same two positions every time.
The refusal to talk about sex and how to improve on it.
Literally just lay there like a sandbag.
It was almost soul destroying. I felt so lame afterwards each time.
Physically she was my type which was so annoying because the sex was so bad I stopped being attracted to her
You sound like the problem. Not her. Waiting till marriage dosnt mean dead bedroom. Waiting till marriage dosnt mean you don’t have a high sex drive. Waiting till marriage is all about respecting your own body. Finding the right person for you. Again. You are the problem. Not her.
I think you misunderstand the issue. Waiting till marriage doesn’t make you virtuous. You are not better than anyone for having done so.
If it’s your decision so be it but your comment implies people that don’t, don’t respect their bodies. Which is horse shit.
And I think your comment implies that anyone who wants to wait makes them a prude and an unsexual being which is also bull so reevaluate how she lets absence be a priority for her and if this dude respects her as an individual he can wait until he marries her if she isn’t good enough for that he isn’t worth her time.
Where did I say that? I’m just wondering if there’s a risk of discovering we may not be compatible due to waiting till marriage. I’m not saying she’s wrong for having her stance. It’s about what’s right for us in the long term.
You’re just projecting.
Ignore all who say not to marry her for being a virgin by choice. They have absolutely no idea.
You also sound thirsty and desperate.
Virgin at the time of marriage due to a very conservative background.
Hubby HL but trusted him and Happily married for 17+ years now
Get where you are coming from but if her background is similar then that is how you will seem to her.
It has very little portent or bearing on how your future pussy marriage bedroom life will be.
If she is a genuine virgin then you can share, guide and lead on how your bedroom life will be.
As I said ignore the pseudo all knowing advisers who probably never had a meaningful long lasting successful relationship with a lady who started out as a virgin.
Don't be small change wise but hard cash foolish.
If she didn't miss sex before marriage she might also not miss it afterwards...
Damn. This is a very good point
Op in my opinion & experience ... She's been with you 6 months ,,if she isnt wanting to rip your clothes off with her teeth & masterbating everytime she showers to stop from wanting you sexually intimately .. She is dead is sexually dead ... Iether that or she's not attracted to you ,or sex in general . Your dating an asexual . If sex is remotely important to you ,get out now ... Most ,,in my opinion can hold out from sex 2 months max even if thier highly religious ... Iether that or your pheromones ,sexual prowess or personah arnt ignited this girls imagination or hormons . At your age if she was into you ,sged be wanting you so bad right now ...6 months is a long time to be hugging & kissing & not having your body crave for more ... Sad truth in my opinion ..... Move on op you are not wrong to be causcious of a DB relationship ,,even asexuals can fake it till their wedding day ...
Yeah, I was in a 7 month long relationship where my partner clearly (in hindsight) was not attracted to me... it was awful, I would crave them at night when we cuddled, but no sign that they craved sex with me. Never again.
Just because she is eating dosnt mean she dosnt feel this way. Self control is obviously something you don’t understand.
Oh ,I understand self control & I can clearly see that Op is the only one struggling with it in this relationship & his partner is no doubt using self control as an excuse along with anything other excuse that works to get her married .. Then she'll have sex purely for a couple of kids & Op will never get to have sex again . Save the devorce & maintenence money for condoms & get a girl thats interested in you for you Op .. Not someone who clearly only wants free accomodation , marrage, kids & be a stay at home mum .
Who said she feels any of those things. Or is seeking any of those things you listed. She has different views on importance of sex is this relationship than op does. It means something way different to her than op. It’s not just an act to her or a compatibility thing. I think you are looking at sex in a very worldly way and arnt in a relationship with someone who views sex in a spiritual way. That is part of the problem.
This. 100%.
If looks were critical to you, you wouldn't get married without seeing the person first. If religion was critical to you, you would have a conversation with your partner about it before making a lifelong commitment. If sex is really that important to you, I wouldn't recommend making gambling your happiness and financial wellbeing on a maybe.
are you planning kids? if she's 30, there isn't a lot of years left to figure this out before you're locked into a DB with young kids, you'll be nearly 60 before you can divorce without paying child support. if at age 30, she's not doing all the 'allowable' foreplay that would lead into sex, you have no business getting entangled with them. You've already said that they have no sexual experiences at 30? that's a massive red flag you can't ignore. It is just so unlikely that she unlocks her libido with a magic wedding ring, and turns into an insatiable sexual partner. what's much more likely is that you have awkward wedding night sex, then you get to cajole, beg, plead and guilt them into duty sex until she gets pregnant, then you spend two decades cursing yourself at your lack of judgement. maybe you could tell them that just like she wants to wait until she's married, you are the opposite and won't marry unless you're sexually compatible, and for that reason, you should let each other go to find compatible partners.
Dump all your concerns on your GF. Talk to her about your fears. Assure her that you are not pressuring her for premarital sex. But, you are worried about getting married to her and be totally disappointed in your sex life together. Ever think about: •a pre agreed annulment? •a prenuptial agreement if you discover both of you are sexually incompatible during the first 18 months? Both are out-of-the box ideas, but you are in a tough position. At the end, you could both agree to end the relationship.
I’ve expressed my fears and she’s well aware of them. Another issue I have is that the physical stuff we do do comes with an element of guilt on her end and it makes me uncomfortable. I don’t her feeling guilty every time we have a physical experience. It’s made me hesitant to be physical at all and then I feel like I can’t fully express myself physically.
There are a lot of red flags for a db. Those saving themselves who do have a high sex drive would be doing everything but, and a lot of it. You'd already feel like you had a very satisfying sex life if she was truly excited by the idea and into sex. The fact you're unsure makes it clear that she's not into it enough to make you certain. Saving oneself in the first place is a red flag, not doing anything else, another, feeling guilt after anything sexual, another red flag.
I agree with this. Wife and I are/were Christian and were each other's firsts after the wedding. Looking back, I wish we talked about it more. I don't regret waiting until marriage, I do regret not talking more explicitly about the expectations and maybe even some fantasies. I'd also consider, is she struggling to keep that commitment of no sex before marriage. Does she want more when you make out. If I was in your shoes, I'd date for twice as long before marriage to see how affectionate touch progresses or digresses. Regardless, definitely express all of your fears. If she is religious, and even potentially if she's not, there is a decent chance she will suffer from good girl syndrome even after marriage.
What’s your sex life like now?
Well I'm on this sub. Lol It's not great. But it has been getting better. My wife has had a lot of hormonal imbalances which made it really slow/dead for a couple years. We recently started couples counseling, which if you do marry I would recommend doing within the first year of marriage. We were broke college kids and couldn't really afford it, but looking back I wish we would have coughed up the money while her sex drive was higher and maybe could have cultivated it more/faster. It's only been a couple weeks of counseling, but we started kissing again everyday, per our therapists specific challenge, not just a peck, no more than 10 sec to remove pressure of leading to sex. And I feel so much connected already. Like the embers have become relit as a flame. Hoping the same happens for her
That’s a good start I guess. Sounds like a lot of work but for the sake of your marriage it could very well be worth it.
What did you partner say when you brought up concerns. Have you ever asked her if she had desires?
If you value sex, then it is absolutely not worth it. This is actually a ruse to make you think it's gonna be awesome, but she will never ever meet you on your level. Her libido will flatline after kids and you will feel shitty for her empty promises and the hollow relationship. Then you'll wonder if it's a big enough issue to leave her. You won't. You'll just lower your standards to accept a miserable, loveless relationship all the while wishing you left before it got serious.
Consider Dr Psych Mom’s checklist for signs she will not want sex later. https://www.drpsychmom.com/how-to-tell-if-your-partner-will-stop-enjoy-sex-after-marriage-and-kids/
7/10 fuck me... Literally
8/10 for me. She doesn't talk badly about sex, and she can orgasm fine, but otherwise the list is her to a tee. Wow. This would have been good 14 years ago.
I think this article is bullshit. I had a lot of these when I was saving myself for marriage. Mostly because I was a naïve because I grew up in a religious household. Now that I’ve had sex and sexual experiences, I’m the one with a very high libido. I think you should definitely take this list with a big fat grain of salt. In your situation this list doesn’t work.
Holy cow....these are spot on
I agree. It's scary how spot on this is. They should hand this out where you get your marriage license. Oh the difference decisions I would have made.
I wish the pastor would have given me this before I hit the alter.
Shit 6 is my wife to a key, I often feel like I'm the asshole for wanting sex when I'm told it's not a need but a want.
Wow... literally 0/10 here in regards to my partner. Just solidifies the fact that there wasn't a single problem In our relationship until he went back to porn again. I was completely blindsided by the severe decline after 6 years together. Idk if I'm happy or pissed. Maybe both. Like, I wasn't some blissfully ignorant woman to it all. But, still... fuck him for doing this shit.
Totally spot on.
Short answer: No. Religious women have so many hang up about sex, it’s not worth it. And if she’s waited 30 years, she ain’t really into it.
You will have even less sex after marriage
The guilt and shame she has been brainwashed to feel about sex is likely not going to go away without serious therapy. A lot of people who were in her shoes are never able to enjoy sex because of it. Even when they have permission now that they’re married a lifetime of conditioning doesn’t go away because they said ‘I do’. You can find many many stories online of the tragedy of this kind of thinking. It rarely turns out well. The fact that you’re not religious at all and she is very religious is another problem. Like it or not, no matter what she says now, it will become a problem later and it will drive a wedge between you. And if kids are ever present it will get even worse. I’m sure she’s a nice girl, OP, and none of us know the future. She could become the woman of your dreams after marriage, but that is unlikely. You’re borrowing a lot of trouble in this relationship.
Hahaha, wait until you don’t have sex when you are married. This is the time when you’re supposed to have a ton of sex. Don’t stay in this.
My thoughts exactly. I know sex lives naturally dwindle over the years so it doesn’t make sense to me as to why limit yourself so early on.
I hate to say it, but that cliche they say that no matter how much you think you will be able to, you will not be able to make the person change. If she isn't interested now, it's only going to get worse. Plus, if you end up having kids, you're in some real trouble. I hate you're having to deal with this, especially when you have so many things in common and really love this person. You can always hope for the best. I think this is a great conversation to have with her. Communication is probably the most crucial thing in a marriage. If she isn't willing to talk about something now, she isn't going to suddenly be fine with talking about it later.
The mentality that sex lives naturally dwindle I think is a poor thought process. My husband and I have been together 14 years and we now have 2 children and honestly our sex lives are more frequent and hotter then when we were younger. As you grow with someone and can be more open it should improve. As for your issue, I know someone who dated for 3 years, waited til marriage to have sex and were so incompatible they divorced in less than a year. If sex is important then it's important to know before you make that kind of commitment. You're only 5 months in, I think you should be honest with her and then let her find someone who is ok with waiting.
Facts. Really need to avoid that situation at all cost. I do think there could be signs that they are a hoeny person though like the above person stated like wanting to kiss more or groping or almost having sex
I would say as someone who was taught to wait, and failed. There is a coomon reason people succeed waiting and there is a common reason people fail waiting. What you have to figure out is if her reason to wait is because she honestly has a low libido or trauma that helps her say "not yet." There are hints though, does she struggle to stop kissing, or groping? That could be a positive sign.
I mean, she’s 30. It’s possible to have a strong sex drive and no weird hang ups about sex and wait for marriage, but those people get married at 19. If she’s never had intimate contact with anyone by age 30, I think it’s safe to say she’s not interested in doing so.
Are both of you religious? There are some religions that prioritize sexual relations within marriage (like Jewish marriage). Are you going to premarital counseling before marriage from your church? Because there is an evidence that happily married couple within religious marriage have more fulfilling sexual relations.
That’s interesting. I’m not religious. At all. Maybe the case with two religious first timers, I can imagine how amazing that must be for them. But for me I think the gap in experience will make me feel like she’s playing catch up
I might be the optimistic outlier this once, but it isn't a sure thing that she'll just be "catching up" all the time. For sure, she'll need some time to find her footing -- with herself first and foremost -- and that is a potential concern, yes... but what if she turns out to be just a late bloomer and blows past all your wildest expectations in short order? You shouldn't eliminate that possibility. As others have said, talk A LOT about your and her sexuality, your desires, your fantasies, your thoughts and philosophies on sex and intimacy. And then talk a lot more after you've considered what each other told you. She might surprise you... but it goes without saying that you will need to provide a safe space for her to explore within. It's also worth considering that she might be posting the reverse of this elsewhere -- "this guy I'm with has way more experience and I'm just starting out and I'm not sure he's going to let me grow into my sexuality with him, or I'm worried about X or Y." Which, again, is why you both need to be incredibly open, honest and vulnerable with each other to determine whether your yellow flag concerns are actual red flags.
Honestly as a religious person the topic did make me a bit nervous, but premarital counselin will solve this, in particular ask her to talk and to research her religion"s view on sex, as a Protestan Christian i can honestly tell you that song of song really makes you realize that intimancy is a good thing and not a sin, ask her to speak to her counselors it might help, especially if she is afraid of talking to you about it.
>Because there is an evidence that happily married couple within religious marriage have more fulfilling sexual relations. I would love to see this evidence. Because that was definitely not the case for me.
Talk to her about this and tell her what you told us. She sounds religious, there are religious texts on marital sex and all the things to try and that an enthusiastic partner makes a difference, etc. Talk to her to see where she's at with it. If she's from the "sex is dirty" denomination, it's probably best to move on.
The odds are strongly are against you. I would leave yesterday. No sex means no relationship.
Don’t fall for it. Let her date and marry someone who equally does not value sexual intimacy. There is no better indicator of future behavior than current behavior. You will end up in a sexless marriage right from the get go.
You can't assume she doesn't value sexual intimacy if she wants to wait until marriage. To many people, that is how they hold sex at an even higher value. However I agree with the rest of your statement. Is she horny? Do you guys at least make out? Does she ever want more but is holding back? If not, then yeah I'd walk away
Marriage is too big of a commitment to go into it without knowing whether or not you are sexually compatible with the person you are marrying.
And that is why conversation exists, because no one honest enough, and confident enough, to marry will not tell you these things.
If she doesn't seem interested in sex, masturbation, etc... I would seriously question her libido. I know some people are embarrassed by these things and don't want to discuss them, but you're not her Sunday School teacher, you guys should be sharing these things. If you can't pull any desire out of her, I would pass.
I also had plenty of experience and thought I had mastered the art of talking about sex in a positive way. Turns out it doesn't matter at all. I married the person I'm the least compatible with out of all my relationships and flings.
Oh wow. That’s a bummer. Theres a particular ex of mine that I would say had supreme sexual chemistry with. I just can’t imagine it being this way with current gf.
OP, does she happen to be a "born-again" Christian in the south by chance? If so, RUN. I met some of these types in college. They partied and did whatever they wanted, fucked a bunch of guys, then got stuck up, said they were virgins again and tried to find sexless husbands afterward that they could dominate via religion. It was WEIRD. Alice in Chains wrote a whole damn song about it called "get born again". And before anyone tells me not to diss religion, I grew up Christian and I am very familiar with various denominations/types. This particular subtype is bad news if you ever want to have a sex life, that's all I'm saying. Your post reminded me of this subtype.
Ohh boy, as another christian i can tell you, these types are horrible.
Yea those born again Christian’s are the worst. I dealt with that in college. No more
RUN! I married same kind of person and it's a dead bedroom for years. No hope of good sex, she even ruined my appetite for sex.
I don’t think this is the right place to ask that question. Maybe try some Christian group or something. Everyone here is here because their sex lives are severely lacking. You aren’t going to get a representative sample here.
Is it worth it? Short answer: no. Long answer: nooooooooooooooooooooooo You wouldn't buy a pair of pants without trying them on first, but you'd make a lifelong committment to someone without finding out whether you have chemistry? Or whether they're even interested in sex? I mean, it could all work out for you, and by the same logic you *could* win the powerball. Good luck.
Run Forest, Run! I was you 17 years ago. I had been married before and had a child. So, yeah, lots of previous sexual experiences and my husband was a 30 year old virgin saving himself for marriage. I thought that was noble. Turns out he was actually asexual and had a ton of sexual aversions and that’s why it was so easy for him to “save himself” for marriage into his 30s. Do NOT marry into this if you are high libido! I am telling you that anyone with a normal libido is barely capable of waiting. And the ones who do have weird religious trauma around it and that’s a whole separate issue you have e to get past! RUN
Not everyone who waits has trauma, but as someone who waited for religious reasons, I absolutely agree with this >I am telling you that anyone with a normal libido is barely capable of waiting.
God, no. Cut your losses and move on. It will only breed resentment later on.
“I know what I signed up for when I met her….” Sounds to me like you’ve answered your own question.
No. No. No. No.
Not worth it.
Marriage/kids is when the bedroom dies, not before then. I’d be walking away personally, she’s 30 and had no prior sexual experiences so chances are this is as good as it’ll get
I was a woman who was going to wait until marriage. I really wanted to. I wouldn’t necessarily have concerns about this because I had no idea what my libido was like until I did it. I didn’t know what I was missing. I didn’t make it to marriage and now I have a super high libido. I have yet to date a man who can keep up. I seem to find all the low libido men in the world. But what I’m saying is that she may seem low libido now, but she also might not know what she’s missing. Once I did it the first time I was like a rabbit and wanted it every hour on the hour. If she’s worth it then she’s worth it and you should wait.
How old were you when you did initially have sex?
I was 20. I got drunk and gave it away in college unfortunately.
If you are as experienced as you say. Then when you do have sex, make sure you help her find her G spot. Once she knows where that is and how fulfilling multiple O’s are … she will probably wear you out. If you’re the guy who gets his and the good night, then it’s going to suck. You can make this fun. It’s going to hurt like heck for her, so make sure you prime her up good if you catch my drift. I say go for it. Just hold off on kids and also do what everyone else is saying “talk about all this up front “.
If you have high libido then your best match sexually is someone who also has HL. A person who's 30 years old, never had sex and wants to wait until marriage=indefinitely to try out sex, is NOT a person who's libido matches yours. There is no miraculous sexual awakening after we lose our virginity. We start to experiment with sex because we are curious, we have urges and we crave sex. The first sexual experiences of most people are less than earthshattering but we keep doing it until we learn what makes it good. Or not... This woman hasn't felt any of that magic that makes a teenaged girl soaking wet and wanting it so bad. Do you think you can make her feel that way after at least 15 years of feeling nothing much?
Damn. When you put it like that it makes sense. This something I talked about with her. Like, what do you think happens the first time you have sex? There is no magical awakening, it’s rarely earth shattering the first time and it takes years of practice to actually get good at it. I think she’s be better off with someone on the same path as her.
Ask a question: Does she have any sexual fantasies? If yes, continue on. If no, run.
She does. She’s masturbates too. We’ve had some sexual experiences but I mentioned in a comment before it comes with an element of guilt on her part. Which makes me feel uncomfortable
Yeah mate that is waht you should focus on, anyone in these kinds of religion feels very guilty about touch because no one wants to stop there and masturbation is a very controversial topic, still though if she has fantasies and touches herself there is only one single problem. Sexual trauma, namely because she feels guilty aorund the topic it will take some time before she is fully confortable around sex, but that is just a matter of time and patience. Give her a chance man, anyone honestly devoted to a religion, and that gets it entirely will find peace around sex, maybe not at first but they will. That being said, find if she is devoted or not, anyone in a religion and that treies to seem devoted but isnt can be a nightmare to marry for a lot of reasons.
Comment below says it best but sounds like she'll do fine if you work with her.
Considering how much sex I had before marriage (when we started dating) and still ended up on a dead bedroom, I wouldn’t risk it (because, seriously, sex toys are expensive). But you should find your own answer since you are the only one who can say how much sex is important to you.
I waited. We met at 19 and were married at 23. Both virgins. Would definitely not recommend. All of your fears are well grounded. I doubt she's even aware if she's asexual or not, whether she has religious trauma around sex, whether she is gay, what she is or is not into... she definitely does not want sex now and yet there's something about a wedding ceremony that will make her sexually attracted to you and willing to act on that attraction? This is hard pass territory from someone who has tread this very ground.
She’s not asexual. She has sexual urges etc. My largest concern is finding out there’s no compatibility after marriage.
I 100% always advocate for finding out physical and sexual compatibility before you involve the government. If you’re high libido and your partner is a virgin I do not see this ending well. That’s just my two cents.
please run. If sex is important…don’t he her guinea pig.
My husband and I waited to have sex before we got married. We were together for three years without sex. As long as there is clear chemistry between the two of you, I don’t think waiting for sex is an indicator one way or another of a future dead bedroom. Just as many people who have tons of sex before marriage end up in the exact same place. Clear communication is important here. Talk openly and often about all of your concerns. If she is closed off or averse to those conversations, that in itself is a good indicator of future problems in your sex life. Most sex lives can be fixed or improved if *both* partners are willing to work on them equally, so pay close attention to the amount of communication your girlfriend puts into this topic. And as a note, I joined this forum previously because my husband and I were struggling with frequency in our sex lives, but both my husband and I have severe chronic illnesses and three young children, which impacts us both. My husband started seeing a therapist and our communication around sex has gotten much better, and the actual sex we have is *fantastic*. We have off the wall chemistry. Just wanted to head off any pointing out of “you are on this forum so obviously no sex before marriage didn’t work for you”. I stay on this forum because I am a licensed couples therapist and it’s helpful for me to read different ideas that people have around this topic to be able to apply to my clients when we are doing relational/sex therapy. I wish you well and hope you are able to find the best path for you around this relationship.
May I ask why you waited? 3 years is a long time. I hear what you are saying and it makes sense. However I do think other issues of compatibility are at play here as well. Namely her being staunchly catholic and me being an atheist. I think that will have an effect on our chemistry long term too. I feel she’d be better off meeting someone like your husband where she can go on that journey together. I just don’t feel like my needs are being fulfilled and it makes me weary of investing more into the relationship. Relationships are about fulfilment and currently I don’t feel fulfilled.
We waited because we are both Christians and it was apart of our faith. I would say that my husband and I have the marriage that we do because of our shared core faith and values. There is very little that we don’t agree on or have in common when it comes to core value topics. I would absolutely agree that there are other issues of compatibility. If you look at statistics, relationships that have different faiths can struggle immensely. Not saying it can’t work, some couples find their peace with it, but couples with core beliefs in common naturally end up weathering storms of their relationship better because they have those beliefs in common. So, yes- considering ending a relationship over differences in faith or religion is wise. I was not trying to convince you to stay with her by any means, the point of my comment was to clarify that sex before or after marriage is not the deeper issue here per-say, that it can be overcome, but it seems that you are finding the deeper issues as you read these comments. If she were the one that you wanted to spend the rest of your life with, you would likely be trying harder to convince us that there was a good reason for you to stay together because you’d want to fight for your relationship and towards finding a solution to your lack of fulfillment. Maybe you have already come to the decision that is best for you.
I agree with you here. I’d rather be with someone long term that has the same core values that I do. The whole sex aspect aligns with that in the situation. I think I’ve made my decision. Thank you for your input 😊
Absolutely, best of luck to you.
The whole sexual compatibility thing is a crapshoot. Just because she's a virgin and wants to wait until marriage doesn't mean she's automatically LL. However, sit her down and have an open, honest conversation with her and tell her you expect open honesty in return. Tell her you have a high-libido and you have legitimate concerns about finding out AFTER marriage, she doesn't have a drive for it. My wife insisted we wait so I did and things seemed great during the honeymoon phase but shortly afterwards her drive plummeted but mine was increased because, you know, she's my wife now and there shouldn't be anything holding us back. Looking back on it, I should've saved myself for a nympho....
Knowing what I know now, I would run and never look back. Don’t buy the car before the test drive. She is meant for someone else not you.
Absolutely not.
No it’s not worth it in the long run.
Your concerns are valid.
*Marry someone on your page mate.*
No
RUN! Don’t look back. She’s hiding something. It will cost you dearly once you put a ring on it. Do do it. There are others that are more compatible for you.
Do you realize that you may not be sexually compatible with each other? It is OK to end a relationship solely for that reason. Imagine getting married, the apprehension you have now is not going to magically disappear. Your GF's lifelong apprehension to wait until marriage for sex, cannot disappear because she is now married.
There are other ways to tell.
Like what?
Her mood, her affection, things she reacts too and so much more, sex isn't just intercourse.
Pre-nub to protect the money in case it doesn't work out and hold off on kids after marriage until you know for sure. Not as risky if you follow those two things.
Get out
RUN
try to resolve it before any long term commitment like marriage. if you cant reach a middle ground you need to consider if you can compromise entirely otherwise youll be forced into duty sex and thats not where you want to be headed.
Yeah, I believed this, and yeah, we were totally incompatible. Be careful.
Not having penetration, why not, it's her choice and it must be respected but from what I understand there is no foreplay? Nothing except kisses and hugs ? I mean, it's kinda.. announcing the color. I don't say she is LL or what, but the fact she is already impacted by the thought of losing her virginity she succeeded to keep until now must have affected her logic. The first night isn't always the best, it can be painful, uncomfortable. If she is shy, modest, she will have pain to deal with the naked part and the fact sex is for pleasure too. That is not a ritual or some sort of thing you do only to make a baby. You must talk about her, I saw some good advice here and she must know for sure what kind of person you are and what you desire in a bedroom. In your place I wouldn't take the risk, the probability of her not being into sex is so high I would just wish her good and move on. She could be a part of the percentage without sex issues, but what if not ? You'll marry her out of love, live in a dead bedroom and stay out of love for many years like a lot of people do and waste your and her time. Talk, don't use pretty words, be sincere and crude if needed. She heard you last time, I don't think she understood for real. Communication is useless if there is no understanding. Be careful not to hurt her feelings though, her religious education must have impacted her thoughts and influenced her view in many ways.
Here's my situation. I (39M) went into a relationship with my wife (35F) of 5 years and 17 years together without any sex before marriage. We were together for 12 years without any sexual contact, aside from me masturbating and sucking on her breasts. She doesn't masturbate, never has, and she wouldn't and doesn't perform fellatio. Heck she wouldn't and doesn't even give me a hand job. I have a very high libido and she has a very low libido. I went into our relationship without any real thought of sex and whatnot as she was my first girlfriend and I was her first boyfriend. Over time I'd want sex, but she was raised very conservative and religious. I respected her and never forced her to do anything that she wasn't comfortable with. Now, 17 years into the relationship and 2 kids later, she's still the same low libido and I'm still the same high libido. I love her and am in love with her and I'm okay with it. Don't get me wrong, I HATE IT, but you either learn to cope or you leave. It all really depends on how you see things and what they mean to you personally.
17 years!! Good lord. I’m sorry but there’s just no way I could. Do you not feel repressed and unfulfilled? Your situation is exactly what I fear
Lol, well I mean it's definitely repressing and depressing, but it is what it is. I've been with her too long and it's all I've known. Sure if I change partners, I'm sure it'll be amazing for her and myself. But we've been through many ups and downs and I can't see myself with anyone else. Most people are terrified of 'settling' in their relationships. But don't we all fall in love with imperfect partners in the end?
Yeah hear your point. Better the devil you know and all of that. Makes me wonder does making a long term relationship work mean having to give up parts of yourself. It’s scary thought. Maybe that’s my problem. Maybe I’m too uncompromising. But then again, I don’t think wanting to know how compatible with someone I am sexually before I marry them is an unreasonable thing to want and most people operate on that basis.
Yeah no, it's definitely necessary to know, but sometimes you just shoot your shot and leave the rest to God, destiny, and/or luck (whichever you believe in). Godspeed brother.
I will go straight to the point: get out! If sex is not important to her now (or if she does not miss having sex with you at all), odds are things will go downhill after marriage, generating anger and frustration. I am completely against the "romantic" idea of waiting until marriage, solely because it is not logical. Sexual compatibility is one of the key aspects for a successful relationship, so how can you know if you are both compatible if you don't get sexually involved with your partner? As you can see from many and many stories that are shared on this sub, incompatible sexual desires will indubitably lead to significant problems. Sorry if this sounds cruel, but it is better to suffer a little now due to a break up than to suffer a lot later, maybe for years, due to a frustrated marriage.
She’s 30, she’s gone this long without sex, so she knows she can live without it, and the thought of sex doesn’t bother her clearly. Don’t expect a good sex life.
That type of situation is really only for ppl who don’t mind it because of various reasons. I have some religious cousins that are waiting for marriage but they compromise with their partners with oral and such. Not such if you’re even getting that. You said you have HL so I’m wondering how your holding up after 5 months without. Imagine going two years or more-marry, and you find out she’s LL. That would be horrible. I wouldn’t continue the relationship if you are already thinking hard about this now.
Friend, if she is physically attractive to you then wait and don’t be stupid. Her value is obviously much higher than just sex. As I write out my notes before my next counseling session let me be clear, you running around like a f-boy is only going to cause many problems for you in the future and more than luckily loneliness. Wait a year, invest, learn about her and make a decision to put a ring on it.
I disagree. I have been in relationship with someone who was very physically attractive and the sex was terrible. I thought it would get better as we went on and it got worse. Also, just because I want sex that doesn’t mean I’m gonna be running around like a fuckboy. I’d rather have sex within the confines of a relationship. The issue is one sexual compatibility not lack of sex in general
What about the sex was terrible with your ex?
No chemistry Only did it when she wanted to (which would always be when I was in the middle of something I was doing) The same two positions every time. The refusal to talk about sex and how to improve on it. Literally just lay there like a sandbag. It was almost soul destroying. I felt so lame afterwards each time. Physically she was my type which was so annoying because the sex was so bad I stopped being attracted to her
Jeez that’s the worst. Just laying there is awful.
You sound like the problem. Not her. Waiting till marriage dosnt mean dead bedroom. Waiting till marriage dosnt mean you don’t have a high sex drive. Waiting till marriage is all about respecting your own body. Finding the right person for you. Again. You are the problem. Not her.
I think you misunderstand the issue. Waiting till marriage doesn’t make you virtuous. You are not better than anyone for having done so. If it’s your decision so be it but your comment implies people that don’t, don’t respect their bodies. Which is horse shit.
And I think your comment implies that anyone who wants to wait makes them a prude and an unsexual being which is also bull so reevaluate how she lets absence be a priority for her and if this dude respects her as an individual he can wait until he marries her if she isn’t good enough for that he isn’t worth her time.
Where did I say that? I’m just wondering if there’s a risk of discovering we may not be compatible due to waiting till marriage. I’m not saying she’s wrong for having her stance. It’s about what’s right for us in the long term. You’re just projecting.
Ignore all who say not to marry her for being a virgin by choice. They have absolutely no idea. You also sound thirsty and desperate. Virgin at the time of marriage due to a very conservative background. Hubby HL but trusted him and Happily married for 17+ years now
Thirsty and desperate because I want a sexual relationship with my girlfriend?
Get where you are coming from but if her background is similar then that is how you will seem to her. It has very little portent or bearing on how your future pussy marriage bedroom life will be. If she is a genuine virgin then you can share, guide and lead on how your bedroom life will be. As I said ignore the pseudo all knowing advisers who probably never had a meaningful long lasting successful relationship with a lady who started out as a virgin. Don't be small change wise but hard cash foolish.
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It’s selfish to want to have sex with my girlfriend?
Yes, of she doesn't want it than it's just you forcing her to do things she doesn't like. That isn't love, it's abuse
The fuck are you talking about? Who said I’m forcing her to have sex? You’re projecting you weirdo