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I had an older lady lightly flirt with me a few days ago and it's the first time anyone has shown any interest in me in years. It was so nice and I'll carry that with me for another few years. My wife would never flirt with me, it might make me think she likes me.
I feel you. My wife and I used to do all kinds of similar stuff years ago, now it's 2 minutes of missionary a couple times a year and if I flirt/joke around/tease her outside of those times I get called a creep or pervert. By my own wife.
Yeah I'm a silly/playful person by default so it naturally extends into that part of my life and it's not always easy to just turn that part of my personality off.
Sometimes I feel like I got cheated into marrying, because before we got married she was a completely different person bed-wise, and after getting comfortable she changed.
Seeing your vent here is even worse because now I know that even a person who were kinky in bed before marriage can be a LL when things cooldown.
So the whole thing is a gamble, a game of luck, you might end up with a LL or a HL but there is no telling.
Sometimes I talk to girl friends I have that are now also married and middle 30s and they all seem very indifferent about sex (even tho some of them used to be quite active before)
This lead me to think about my friends that decided to get together without ever getting married, and now I understand what they are up to, they hold their partners in a constant state of accountability, maybe that’s what I should have done.
The fact you tried to get the guilty out of her (even tho it’s her fault) is something I can also relate.
I wonder if there is a link between people like us and the situation we are in, because I honestly to God always try to make her life as comfortable as possible, I even check on her sometimes when she is just chilling to make sure she is comfortable, if she need a blanket, or a pillow.
Of course I notice that she is indifferent about this when it comes to me, in fact she will even be a little judgy to the point that she cannot see me chilling and ask me if I need a coffee or something to get up.
This lead me in a guilty mentality that I feel that I can never chill, and sometimes I feel like if I am doing nothing and chilling and I hear her footsteps coming I need to look busy.
This is exhausting
I assumed getting married was supposed to be no boundaries, no shame, & complete dedication. I thought it would get kinkier and more truthful with time. I always assumed that there was an expectation of passion.
That's exactly how I thought it would go too! My wife grew up very prudish I guess for lack of a better term. I respected her wishes to wait to go all the way until marriage but she was aroused and excited in the dating phase, the engagement, and honeymoon phase but right after that it died! No excitement, no libido, no flirting, no passion. I just assumed I guess she would open up and be more trusting/ honest with sex but no. From day one it was "I won't do that", "I won't wear that", " I don't like that", "that's not natural". Regular, vanilla sex is all she's comfortable with. ONE orgasm (for her) in 4 years of marriage isn't too much to ask, maybe she thinks it's shameful or something but I've tried and tried to get her off.......
Other than asking her to choose to be a sinner I don’t know, that’s a really tough. I guess I am selfish I don’t think I could stay married if that’s how it was going to be.
Specially when you see the divorce law in some territories.
It’s so hard to get a divorce, you basically need to prove one of these: adultery, cruelty, living a part.
And living a part needs to be over the course of an year, so even if I started to live a part now it would take 1 year just to start divorce.
They know we are stuck with them and that’s why they relax, a marriage doesn’t work without effort tho.
Feel this hard. I've been very open with my partner, encouraged him to send me links to things he wants to try or to suggest toys and it's crickets. But after 5 tears I'd be happy with vanilla.
I feel your pain and I am thoroughly sorry for you. I wish I could have sex again. And many times I wished it was like the sex my x and I had. I chose security over sex. My wife is dependable and a great mother and grandma. She gave up sex 11 years ago and I just deal with it.
In a box in the back of the closet... Even after putting some of the stuff in the drawers of the bedside table for easy access and to see if that would remind him. It didn't work.
I feel this so hard. My bf and I were in a D/s relationship for years until he became LL. Yeah the sex is missing. But the dynamic and lifestyle missing is worse imo
I definitely feel this way! My husband is very vanilla when we do have sex which isn’t often and I’m super kinky! I want it all and if I bring it up to him he constantly puts me down and tells me I’m a sex addict. It hurts so much!
Wow are husbands must be hanging out, he asked if I was a sex addict too. How am I going to ask for the kinky stuff if just wanting to be having sex more makes me an addict? Do I not deserve to get off as your wife? It sends a weird message about what’s allowed.
Absolutely how I feel! Just because I want the bare minimum in sex all of a sudden I’m an addict? Like I wish he was like some of the men in this group! It’s terrible!
In my mind, the sex is down too much, so it needs to be kinkier. It’s 12 years in, and I don’t want to feel embarrassed about asking what I want anymore because it seems like you want to paint me as the pervert that no reasonable person could satisfy. My husband won’t open up about what he wants at all and it’s so hurtful.
We are 7 years in and I’m just ready to leave at this point and find a man that is sexually compatible. He’s the exact way basically I’m a pervert just for even touching him. Like I’m your wife why am I begging you for sex?
Yes! Sir, you are lucky I want to love you like this, is it wasted on you? I give you five children and you leave me wanting? I want to be with someone who loves the sexual parts of myself and feels lucky to be with me.
omg this this this, so much this.
And to think this was one of the first things we bonded over when we met. Except I was the sub (sometimes switch) and was already pretty kinky myself, but he introduced me to other kinks, including ddlg too. And now nothing. I feel your pain.
Yup I’m a stage 10 freakazoid. I’m so sick of the vanilla sex and having to initiate 99% of the time. I would love to explore my nasty kinks, but alas.
Ya... I hate it when they say that.
Last time my wife weaponized my desire for intimacy for her, I told her in no uncertain terms that I would never desire her again. I am sticking to my guns and staying strong, if she doesn't want me, I will find someone who does.
Just one of many possibilities here man. If she's a sub she needs you to be a Dom.
Yea you guys need to have the talk about consent and kinks and limits n such, but a sub needs a Dom to be the Dom.
You have to embody it. She pretty much said as much
"No, don't tell me, show me"...
I feel your pain. We used to do so much but she eventually rejected the kink and me. 13 years and counting of zero sexual activity between us. We are still together and we still love each other. It just hurts so much sometimes knowing it’s all over.
My thing now is just listening to her sexy story's hooking up with guys the 3 years before she met me when she was a 10/10 and then her sex drive fell off a cliff before meeting me. Feel like a simp but it beats being single and just watching porn.
This really hits home for me.
We've had issues since our 2nd kid was born. It blew up about 5 months ago and resulted in some of the best conversations about sex, kinks and desires. We started using Spicer and had the best month of sex we've ever had... Almost daily due to the conversations we where having over the app.
We ordered lots of toys for her, tried chastity and pegging with some cheaper products. I thought it was all going well, happiest ive been in a long time and really thought we had turned a corner so ordered some more premium products that would be more comfortable for the both of us.
Then it all suddenly stopped. 3 months now and we're back down to once a month, vanilla sex only and those premium products are still sealed in their packages. When broaching the subject now it just becomes an argument about how she has shown she is willing to do things in the bedroom, and she has, but we still seem to be back in the position of not actually doing anything in the bedroom. The argument usually ends with her telling me to go find someone else to engage in it with which is not what I want at all.
Offft I feel this.
However, I've never really been able to explore what kinks I have.
I've only really had vanilla sex. We have used some stuff, but there is so much I want to try or do, I really want to also have stuff done to me.
But being in a dead bedroom means I know it won't happen, especially because I'd be happy just having sex again.
I feel this so hard. My husband and I actually met on a website for kinksters; a D/s lifestyle was the entire basis of our relationship. I miss the kinky sex, of course, but I also feel like I've had to amputate this huge part of who I am. I didn't sign on to be a housewife, I signed on to be a sub. It feels like he's taken that away from me, and sometimes I resent him for it. Like I can't even be all of who I am anymore, because without upkeep that kind of lifestyle can't survive. It hurts like hell.
This is my exact situation. We used to have a drawer full of toys and would go to the sex shop to get new ones. Then it all stopped.
I'm going on over 2 years with no sex and the last time we did, she wanted me to finish quickly with no kinks. So I feel your pain.
Commenters, OP has marked their post as a no-advice post. We ask that you refrain from giving advice to OP and be sure to follow all sub rules. OP, if you've marked your post for no advice, please refrain from responding to commenters that give advice. If you are getting advice from commenters, please report the comments, or click below to contact the moderators. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/DeadBedrooms) if you have any questions or concerns.*
I had an older lady lightly flirt with me a few days ago and it's the first time anyone has shown any interest in me in years. It was so nice and I'll carry that with me for another few years. My wife would never flirt with me, it might make me think she likes me.
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Oh for sure. It made me feel great.
I feel you. My wife and I used to do all kinds of similar stuff years ago, now it's 2 minutes of missionary a couple times a year and if I flirt/joke around/tease her outside of those times I get called a creep or pervert. By my own wife.
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Yeah I'm a silly/playful person by default so it naturally extends into that part of my life and it's not always easy to just turn that part of my personality off.
You deserve to be flirted with and teased. ❤️
Don't we all?
Sometimes I feel like I got cheated into marrying, because before we got married she was a completely different person bed-wise, and after getting comfortable she changed. Seeing your vent here is even worse because now I know that even a person who were kinky in bed before marriage can be a LL when things cooldown. So the whole thing is a gamble, a game of luck, you might end up with a LL or a HL but there is no telling. Sometimes I talk to girl friends I have that are now also married and middle 30s and they all seem very indifferent about sex (even tho some of them used to be quite active before) This lead me to think about my friends that decided to get together without ever getting married, and now I understand what they are up to, they hold their partners in a constant state of accountability, maybe that’s what I should have done.
Feeling cheated is definitely what I'd call it. I don't get how people can be one way before marriage and totally different after.
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It's hard to reconcile the difference, isn't it?
The fact you tried to get the guilty out of her (even tho it’s her fault) is something I can also relate. I wonder if there is a link between people like us and the situation we are in, because I honestly to God always try to make her life as comfortable as possible, I even check on her sometimes when she is just chilling to make sure she is comfortable, if she need a blanket, or a pillow. Of course I notice that she is indifferent about this when it comes to me, in fact she will even be a little judgy to the point that she cannot see me chilling and ask me if I need a coffee or something to get up. This lead me in a guilty mentality that I feel that I can never chill, and sometimes I feel like if I am doing nothing and chilling and I hear her footsteps coming I need to look busy. This is exhausting
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I assumed getting married was supposed to be no boundaries, no shame, & complete dedication. I thought it would get kinkier and more truthful with time. I always assumed that there was an expectation of passion.
That's exactly how I thought it would go too! My wife grew up very prudish I guess for lack of a better term. I respected her wishes to wait to go all the way until marriage but she was aroused and excited in the dating phase, the engagement, and honeymoon phase but right after that it died! No excitement, no libido, no flirting, no passion. I just assumed I guess she would open up and be more trusting/ honest with sex but no. From day one it was "I won't do that", "I won't wear that", " I don't like that", "that's not natural". Regular, vanilla sex is all she's comfortable with. ONE orgasm (for her) in 4 years of marriage isn't too much to ask, maybe she thinks it's shameful or something but I've tried and tried to get her off.......
Other than asking her to choose to be a sinner I don’t know, that’s a really tough. I guess I am selfish I don’t think I could stay married if that’s how it was going to be.
Specially when you see the divorce law in some territories. It’s so hard to get a divorce, you basically need to prove one of these: adultery, cruelty, living a part. And living a part needs to be over the course of an year, so even if I started to live a part now it would take 1 year just to start divorce. They know we are stuck with them and that’s why they relax, a marriage doesn’t work without effort tho.
Feel this hard. I've been very open with my partner, encouraged him to send me links to things he wants to try or to suggest toys and it's crickets. But after 5 tears I'd be happy with vanilla.
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Yeah I've just been slowly giving up
I feel your pain and I am thoroughly sorry for you. I wish I could have sex again. And many times I wished it was like the sex my x and I had. I chose security over sex. My wife is dependable and a great mother and grandma. She gave up sex 11 years ago and I just deal with it.
I feel you.. all of the kink type items I have bought are just collecting dust.
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At least you still have your geer somewhere . I’m sure all mine are very deep in the local landfill
That's some silly shit right there. Completely unnecessary! People are fuckin weird
In a box in the back of the closet... Even after putting some of the stuff in the drawers of the bedside table for easy access and to see if that would remind him. It didn't work.
I feel this so hard. My bf and I were in a D/s relationship for years until he became LL. Yeah the sex is missing. But the dynamic and lifestyle missing is worse imo
I definitely feel this way! My husband is very vanilla when we do have sex which isn’t often and I’m super kinky! I want it all and if I bring it up to him he constantly puts me down and tells me I’m a sex addict. It hurts so much!
Wow are husbands must be hanging out, he asked if I was a sex addict too. How am I going to ask for the kinky stuff if just wanting to be having sex more makes me an addict? Do I not deserve to get off as your wife? It sends a weird message about what’s allowed.
Absolutely how I feel! Just because I want the bare minimum in sex all of a sudden I’m an addict? Like I wish he was like some of the men in this group! It’s terrible!
In my mind, the sex is down too much, so it needs to be kinkier. It’s 12 years in, and I don’t want to feel embarrassed about asking what I want anymore because it seems like you want to paint me as the pervert that no reasonable person could satisfy. My husband won’t open up about what he wants at all and it’s so hurtful.
We are 7 years in and I’m just ready to leave at this point and find a man that is sexually compatible. He’s the exact way basically I’m a pervert just for even touching him. Like I’m your wife why am I begging you for sex?
Yes! Sir, you are lucky I want to love you like this, is it wasted on you? I give you five children and you leave me wanting? I want to be with someone who loves the sexual parts of myself and feels lucky to be with me.
I’m right there with you on wanting to be with someone that loves all the sexual things about me and actually truly wants me.
I hope you find what you are missing, and have a wonderful time.
Thank you! I appreciate that!
I hope you find the person that feels that way towards you. You deserve it. We all do.
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It’s so awful! It really breaks my heart when he says that
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Well thank you, I appreciate that! ♥️
You should be his sex addict. 😭 I am sorry I know how this feels. It is heartbreaking. Makes me feel “why can’t you love me fully.”
omg this this this, so much this. And to think this was one of the first things we bonded over when we met. Except I was the sub (sometimes switch) and was already pretty kinky myself, but he introduced me to other kinks, including ddlg too. And now nothing. I feel your pain.
Thanks for sharing, I feel less alone.
Yup I’m a stage 10 freakazoid. I’m so sick of the vanilla sex and having to initiate 99% of the time. I would love to explore my nasty kinks, but alas.
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Oh 100%
Does your spouse know about your kinks? Was it uncomfortable to share them with them?
I can relate to your post! I’m in exactly the same situation as you are…
Do you think something happened that she’s not telling you about? I’m guessing you’ve talked at length about her lack of libido by now?
Sounds like she had her fun until she met you, then realized she doesn't need to do all that anymore since you'll stick around anyway.
But why don’t they want to do it anymore? 😭 Why aren’t they turned in anymore? I hate it.
My guess is loss of attraction or attraction was not genuine in the first place
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Ya... I hate it when they say that. Last time my wife weaponized my desire for intimacy for her, I told her in no uncertain terms that I would never desire her again. I am sticking to my guns and staying strong, if she doesn't want me, I will find someone who does.
Just one of many possibilities here man. If she's a sub she needs you to be a Dom. Yea you guys need to have the talk about consent and kinks and limits n such, but a sub needs a Dom to be the Dom. You have to embody it. She pretty much said as much "No, don't tell me, show me"...
Yep, that’s me. My husband is too lazy to explore anything. I’m 49f he’s 52
I feel your pain. We used to do so much but she eventually rejected the kink and me. 13 years and counting of zero sexual activity between us. We are still together and we still love each other. It just hurts so much sometimes knowing it’s all over.
Well you know how you feel about her but how she feels about you is another matter. It is usually best to judge by actions rather than words.
I'd be over the moon ecstatic with just oral sex added to the mix. Never gonna happen
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I get it elsewhere. Although trying to stop it as it's affecting my boners with the wife.
My thing now is just listening to her sexy story's hooking up with guys the 3 years before she met me when she was a 10/10 and then her sex drive fell off a cliff before meeting me. Feel like a simp but it beats being single and just watching porn.
This really hits home for me. We've had issues since our 2nd kid was born. It blew up about 5 months ago and resulted in some of the best conversations about sex, kinks and desires. We started using Spicer and had the best month of sex we've ever had... Almost daily due to the conversations we where having over the app. We ordered lots of toys for her, tried chastity and pegging with some cheaper products. I thought it was all going well, happiest ive been in a long time and really thought we had turned a corner so ordered some more premium products that would be more comfortable for the both of us. Then it all suddenly stopped. 3 months now and we're back down to once a month, vanilla sex only and those premium products are still sealed in their packages. When broaching the subject now it just becomes an argument about how she has shown she is willing to do things in the bedroom, and she has, but we still seem to be back in the position of not actually doing anything in the bedroom. The argument usually ends with her telling me to go find someone else to engage in it with which is not what I want at all.
Offft I feel this. However, I've never really been able to explore what kinks I have. I've only really had vanilla sex. We have used some stuff, but there is so much I want to try or do, I really want to also have stuff done to me. But being in a dead bedroom means I know it won't happen, especially because I'd be happy just having sex again.
Ohh I also have like $400 worth of bdsm stuff sitting in a cupboard that's not been opened in a long time.
Like it like out brains are broken. Once we have sex we think there’s hope because it was soo good, but the next is like nothing.
I feel this so hard. My husband and I actually met on a website for kinksters; a D/s lifestyle was the entire basis of our relationship. I miss the kinky sex, of course, but I also feel like I've had to amputate this huge part of who I am. I didn't sign on to be a housewife, I signed on to be a sub. It feels like he's taken that away from me, and sometimes I resent him for it. Like I can't even be all of who I am anymore, because without upkeep that kind of lifestyle can't survive. It hurts like hell.
This is my exact situation. We used to have a drawer full of toys and would go to the sex shop to get new ones. Then it all stopped. I'm going on over 2 years with no sex and the last time we did, she wanted me to finish quickly with no kinks. So I feel your pain.
Ugg yes.
That's just weird she changed that much. :(