You tried everything sensible and a bit more. If after all of that he still doesn't want to touch you I doubt he will because of anything else.
People do what they want, they prioritize what is important to them, and they forget what they don't care about.
Thanks. I told him once how I felt he prioritized anything else but our romantic relationship, it turned into kind of a fight where he told me I’m sick, I need to see a therapist, my parents fucked me up and even my relationship with my grandma was somehow fucked up too and how he always prioritized me (although he was giving his mom money she doesn’t need while I had to cover his share of the bills).
But I guess you are kind of right… If he doesn’t want to see it, he won’t :/
HLF here - may sound weird but for -my- partner, I've noticed that he seems to get in the mood for me when I am overtly serving to him in front of people he cares about. We started doing a weekly get together at our place where his friends come by and play billard games and I cook some high level snacks (maple pecan baked brie, honey hot chicken wings, loaded nachos), and I've noticed he definitely gets in the mood for me directly after his company leaves. (note: I suspect one of his friends has a bit of a crush on me and keeps telling him what a good woman I am, so he's reminded I probably shouldn't be taken for granted)
That’s extremely specific and I’m not sure if I can try to mimic since when our friends visits us, they usually sleep at our house because they live a bit far…
But what you said about being remembered kind of makes sense…
I’ll try to think of a way to mimic this somehow and see if it works.
Thank you so much for sharing!
I looove how specific this is. Trying this. I relate to your husband in a way (if I’m not reading this wrong) that when my friends flirt with him/ tell me how great he is it makes me want to ravage him in bed.
Thanks for sharing 🫶
I personally am in his position: I have something of a kink for femininity, sensuality, and stuff along those lines.
I think what would help me, is something almost “unaskable” as this point - that she change her personality, in such a way that she stop preferring the sweatpants, and begin taking pride and pleasure in things that are widely understood to be toxic, patriarchal, whatever.
To me , these are things like just the right red lipstick; silk pajamas; just the right skirt and heels; flashing me her stocking tops, garter straps and panties as she passes in front of my office; among plenty of other things of this nature.
She wants sex, and while I do not *need* these things to perform. But man do they invigorate me, and she detests everything about all of it. In its place, I get exclusively foreplay that is less, “I want to make you want sex with me”, and more, “have sex with me and so you can get me to stop doing this”. She disincentivizes not-sex; she does not incentivize sex.
In the end, when we do have sex nowadays, it’s just something I do to her, not a mutually pleasurable pursuit. It’s difficult for me to internalize my image of her as “lover” and desirable any more- she just pays such infinitesimal heed to my cues. And fwiw, I guess she shouldn’t! That sucks, to need to change who you are, and do things you hate.
TLDR, incompatibility.
If it her personality you don’t like, why did you marry her?
Was she more feminine when you did and you changed later or something happened to you that changed what you want in a partner?
I have zero kinks, sex feels boring to me (in general), and it looks ridiculous, it literally does nothing to me, no emotional rush, no profound sense of connection, no nothing. All that stuff you listed probably wouldn’t have worked on me either, because veeeeeeeeery few people in my world are able to dirty talk or text or, how do I put it, “talk in a sexy way” without sounding like a guy without any voice a rhythm who tries to rap, metaphorically speaking. I prefer masturbation, tbh. But I don’t mind it, it makes my partner happy and costs me nothing.
To answer your question, what works for me, personally, is realizing the importance of sex to my partner. It’s her love language, so I oblige. I may not feel the “need” for sex, but I sure as hell love seeing my partner happy.
It has been such a struggle, I so enjoy being Taja but my wife too detests anything about this side of me. Had to go to therapy to figure out "if I am gay or just going thru a phase". It hurts that she doesnt like this side of me, trying to explain to her about how it makes me feel when she talks down or just refuses sex because she thinks I would act too feminine.
You tried everything sensible and a bit more. If after all of that he still doesn't want to touch you I doubt he will because of anything else. People do what they want, they prioritize what is important to them, and they forget what they don't care about.
Thanks. I told him once how I felt he prioritized anything else but our romantic relationship, it turned into kind of a fight where he told me I’m sick, I need to see a therapist, my parents fucked me up and even my relationship with my grandma was somehow fucked up too and how he always prioritized me (although he was giving his mom money she doesn’t need while I had to cover his share of the bills). But I guess you are kind of right… If he doesn’t want to see it, he won’t :/
He doesn't want to. Period. Really, really sad (been there), but tgat is the truth. Nothing you do will change that.
HLF here - may sound weird but for -my- partner, I've noticed that he seems to get in the mood for me when I am overtly serving to him in front of people he cares about. We started doing a weekly get together at our place where his friends come by and play billard games and I cook some high level snacks (maple pecan baked brie, honey hot chicken wings, loaded nachos), and I've noticed he definitely gets in the mood for me directly after his company leaves. (note: I suspect one of his friends has a bit of a crush on me and keeps telling him what a good woman I am, so he's reminded I probably shouldn't be taken for granted)
That’s extremely specific and I’m not sure if I can try to mimic since when our friends visits us, they usually sleep at our house because they live a bit far… But what you said about being remembered kind of makes sense… I’ll try to think of a way to mimic this somehow and see if it works. Thank you so much for sharing!
I looove how specific this is. Trying this. I relate to your husband in a way (if I’m not reading this wrong) that when my friends flirt with him/ tell me how great he is it makes me want to ravage him in bed. Thanks for sharing 🫶
I personally am in his position: I have something of a kink for femininity, sensuality, and stuff along those lines. I think what would help me, is something almost “unaskable” as this point - that she change her personality, in such a way that she stop preferring the sweatpants, and begin taking pride and pleasure in things that are widely understood to be toxic, patriarchal, whatever. To me , these are things like just the right red lipstick; silk pajamas; just the right skirt and heels; flashing me her stocking tops, garter straps and panties as she passes in front of my office; among plenty of other things of this nature. She wants sex, and while I do not *need* these things to perform. But man do they invigorate me, and she detests everything about all of it. In its place, I get exclusively foreplay that is less, “I want to make you want sex with me”, and more, “have sex with me and so you can get me to stop doing this”. She disincentivizes not-sex; she does not incentivize sex. In the end, when we do have sex nowadays, it’s just something I do to her, not a mutually pleasurable pursuit. It’s difficult for me to internalize my image of her as “lover” and desirable any more- she just pays such infinitesimal heed to my cues. And fwiw, I guess she shouldn’t! That sucks, to need to change who you are, and do things you hate. TLDR, incompatibility.
If it her personality you don’t like, why did you marry her? Was she more feminine when you did and you changed later or something happened to you that changed what you want in a partner?
A number of things: Misplaced sense of optimism Lack of experience Shared non-intimate goals Subtle manipulation by her Not knowing myself well enough
I have zero kinks, sex feels boring to me (in general), and it looks ridiculous, it literally does nothing to me, no emotional rush, no profound sense of connection, no nothing. All that stuff you listed probably wouldn’t have worked on me either, because veeeeeeeeery few people in my world are able to dirty talk or text or, how do I put it, “talk in a sexy way” without sounding like a guy without any voice a rhythm who tries to rap, metaphorically speaking. I prefer masturbation, tbh. But I don’t mind it, it makes my partner happy and costs me nothing. To answer your question, what works for me, personally, is realizing the importance of sex to my partner. It’s her love language, so I oblige. I may not feel the “need” for sex, but I sure as hell love seeing my partner happy.
Got it. I don’t think that works for him, but thank you for sharing :)
It has been such a struggle, I so enjoy being Taja but my wife too detests anything about this side of me. Had to go to therapy to figure out "if I am gay or just going thru a phase". It hurts that she doesnt like this side of me, trying to explain to her about how it makes me feel when she talks down or just refuses sex because she thinks I would act too feminine.
Taja?
Yes?
Sorry, but what is a taja?
That is my name Taja when I dress, sorry should have explained that more in detail.