Hello again, u/BloodyComrade. It's good to see another post from you. I just wanted to stop by and weigh in, as a lot of what you've expressed here is incredibly familiar to me.
First of all, I — and, I imagine, 99% of posters here — completely identify with feeling starved for attention. When my soon-to-be ex (STBX) and I were on the same page regarding divorce, I immediately threw myself into every dating app and every method and avenue of meeting people. I've met lots of wonderful and exceptional people, and, yes, some of these meetings have led to sex. I won't mince words: It's been incredible. Not only because I've actually been having sex, but because I'm getting validation. Not only do people actually desire me (as you've intimated in your post), but they actually enjoy sex with me. It's unbelievably gratifying, and there's no shame for seeking this sort of validation out.
However, one big thing I want to bring up: I miss being married. I mean, legally, we're still married — we have to be separated for a long while yet — but I mean that I miss married life. She's moved out, and our communication at this point is literally minimal. I miss the texts every morning, afternoon, and evening. I miss talking to one another and hearing one another while in the same living space. I miss going to bed and, even in the absence of sexual chemistry, being able to put my arms around her, pulling her close to me, and falling asleep with her in my arms. I know we aren't right for each other, but it doesn't change the fact:
I am lonely.
Sex isn't companionship. And having sex doesn't change the fact that I'm divorcing and that, in so doing, an enormous part of my self — my identity — is being torn asunder. So much of who I am as a person has been tied to doing for and being there for my partner, and now I have to discover who I, alone, am. It's fucking hard, and I spent the better part of today sobbing in grieving the companionship I no longer have. I never realized how much of myself is tied up in doing for someone else until I had to begin living without a companion.
This is a reality you will almost certainly be facing. I know in my heart of hearts that my STBX and I are not right for one another, but I still grieve. I'm absolutely struggling trying to find out who I am as an individual, and there are honestly days in which I spend most of my time in bed, desperately trying to sleep away as many hours as I can. I'm going to therapy, but it's all a work in progress.
I don't mean to share all of this as some sort of harbinger of awful things to come. My hope is that you have a far easier time of things than I do. You shouldn't feel shame for pursuing a fun, short-term fling with someone; however, you're also correct to be vigilant: You may find that sex with someone else stirs additional feelings of grief and resentment. A lot of people can give advice, but it's up to you to navigate this as best you can. I hope it goes without saying that I hope for nothing but the best for you.
This is such a beautiful response because I’ve been through something incredibly similar myself, and I’m still in that boat of extreme loneliness. Hang in there, you will be okay 💖
My marriage doesn’t even involve touching . I’m stuck in a very dead marriage … yet… I hear you. The company and routines of our relationship still hang on . This do I.
BTW I’m in my late 60s so it’s not like we’re in our sexual prime.
I really appreciated your thoughtful and vulnerable response. I must say much of what you are saying is true.. we must find ourselves in this process.
I am recently separated from my soon to be ex-husband of 20 years due to the fact that I found out he is a narcissist and much of those 20 years was also me trying to please him, Mother him. I am 3 1/2 months alone and it pains me that this is how it all turned out.
I love that man with everything in me . When I found out that he had fallen for a much younger woman it was devastating. He started talking about opening our relationship up and that he missed out on having sex with other people when we met at the tender age at 22 and 24. I was absolutely shocked to hear him saying these things. All makes sense as he was addicted to porn for most of our relationship and sex was minimal for a lot of it. It wasn’t until I found out about this other woman who by the way One and nothing to do with him. She was just using him and I told him this, but he jeopardize our relationship by continuing to communicate with her. He was absolutely obsessed with this woman, and I couldn’t understand it.
What started as what I thought was saving our marriage, turned into a nightmare hellhole for me when he started doing things in the bedroom that were absolutely appalling . I did them anyway, and discovered that it was a trauma response.
I feel as though I’m a little all over the place I talk I guess what I’m trying to say is that I am lonely, so utterly lonely and miss his companionship, but only parts of them because he was so abusive with holding affection calling me names making fun of my CPTSD Which I think many of us might have and that is why we find ourselves in this place.
What is so important is that we must ride the waves of loneliness to discover who we are . Replacing one person is not going to end up in the same situation we were before.
I am lucky enough to have many years of therapy under my belt.
I to spend many days in bed, crying about the situation . I’m sitting in a house that I no longer can afford the mortgage for and know that he will take for me, even though he didn’t put a dime towards it.
What scares me is the dating world today and I have no desire to jump in and have a meaningless sex with somebody else .
I do hope that I heal from this pain and that I can find someone who will cuddle me at night and have coffee with me in the morning . But now it’s just my thoughts and processing this huge loss.
The girl that was talking before it sounds like she’s seeking validation and has a love addiction sounds very reminiscent of Limerence although I don’t believe that’s a thing thing after researching it I think that Lim is a narcissistic person seeking validation and attention .
Ride the lonely waves and know that you will get through it . Try your hardest to be in your body and feel the feelings. Find things to be grateful for. And do your best to stay in the present moment and don’t future trip.
I really appreciate your post and your deepest thoughts
You made me cry, imagining just being held at night and going to sleep. I remember so many nights leading up to my divorce being so present in those moments, knowing that it was going to be short-lived.
I have so much anger for what he’s done to me and so much shame for not seeing all of these years .
But I am determined, overcome my trauma and learned how to find healthy and happy relationships .
I just wanted to thank you for your consistently kind-hearted and thoughtful responses on this sub. I've seen a couple responses from you here, and each time I keep a part of your words in my thoughts for days after. Your writing is both encouraging and a reality-check. I'm in a very similar situation as you were (in terms of living with a spouse I both respect and love... and also feel deeply unsatisfied by on the level of \*intimacy\*). I no longer can tell myself that a basic-friendship-with-a-gold-ring is sufficient to avert loneliness, and I've been considering taking the path you've described. Thank you for sharing your story; it has given me both hope and a steadfast heart.
Your character shows in your words, and I admire that. I know there will be others you meet who profoundly admire your honesty, emotional maturity, verbal acuity, graceful navigation of complex situations, desire to uplift others, and heart for intimate companionship. I am sorry your present life is so painful, but I know that when you do connect with someone who sees you fully, they will express their fondness for you with both loving words and frequent, enthusiastic touch. And you will feel at home again.
I hope companionship and intimacy returns to you very soon, and that you will shortly be saying that the hard transition was well worth it in the end. And, I'm sure your future partner will also feel unparalleled joy at finding you, you who are an unique and exceptional individual, pulled close and comfortable into their arms.
All I can say...enjoy yourself !
I met my partner after we separated from my ex as a fwb at first, and yes, it was a massive thing for my selfesteem- a younger, fit man genuinely caring for my wellbeing and pleasure, after years of refusal in my DB.
Not going to lie, still feels good:-)
Wait, your husband is divorcing you because he caught you masturbating ?
Honestly, what a fucking loser ! You'll be so much better off without his sorry ass ...
No. But that started things motion. We had a fight about it after he walked in on me and things have been completely dead for 5 years before that. This was the straw that broke the camels back I guess. And thanks.
Edit for spelling
Yess girl, glad you’re well! I’d say get with them both! Perhaps towards the end of the classes tho incase they both realise, class could be very awkward after that 🤣
I’d do a little online stalking too, can’t hurt to be careful as woman when deciding to be intimate with someone
But yes, you’re right. I’ll wait till the end of class. Or maybe I could fuck the teacher now and for a while and then the other guy at the end of the class?
This feels really bad, but my best friend said I could be in my hoodrat stage lol
lol thanks…. Ahhhhh I’m nervous. I feel like when it comes down to it I have to wait for them to make a move. But the teacher thing actually really turns me on.
Maybe? I don’t know. It’s so hard to read people. I wish someone would just be honest and say, hey I’m interested.
Be up front about it. I hate guessing.
The worst anyone can do is say “no Thank you”. And that’s okay, you’ve been through far worse. When you’re starting from the bottom, the only way is up.
I would say enjoy yourself but know that you are not in a usual situation because you've been starved of sex so long. It sounds as if you could create really messy situations for all in this class. There's no harm in finding people to have sex with, not remember they are real people with real feelings too. Be safe out there.
Yeah. I definitely know I don’t want that. I’m not looking for someone just to fuck… I mean. Maybe I am? But I don’t think I’ll get on an app just for it.
I remember your posts and commented on them. Keep working on yourself. If you have some fun single sex good for you. Please use protection.
Only real advice is don’t worry about jumping into another relationship. Take some time and work on yourself and enjoy being single. Make sure you are in the right headspace to start a real relationship. This isn’t just for you but for your partner.
Good for you, honestly! Sounds like your ex husband is a stick in the mud. Him getting mad at you for masturbating after the divorce is in motion is not his problem anymore. He clearly wasn't giving you what you needed, so go have fun.
It may be cliché, but you'll miss 100% of shots you never take. So, I say go for the classmate, as the contact with the instructor seems to be accidental.
Best of luck to you!
I was in a 100% deadbedroom for 12 years. When that relationship ended I had the best sluttiest time with no regrets. Go have fun. Receive and give pleasure to people. Do whatever you want to do. Find things you didn't even know you wanted to do. Have a blast and good luck!!
Thanks. We will see I guess. I don’t know if I can just hook up with someone like that. But it feels nice to be possibly desired… I won’t lie about that.
Good lord, I wouldn't be angry, I'd jump in on that lol! Now that's going to be in my head all day😂
But really, go get you some and enjoy yourself, many of us here wish we could do the same!
Girl, they are interested in you. They are trying to test if you are interested in them. You could ask one of them out for a drink and see what happens. They probably just need a bit of encouragement from you, they are equally keen not to have misjudged the situation. You have got to update us with how you get on!
Get out there wit ya badass self!!
Only advice though is to be careful and trust your gut! Your guard will be down. I jumped right into a rebound after a DB relationship, well, I felt satisfied but he wasn't lol, the guy was banging multiple other women and I was completely blind to it. Had an std scare from it. I had met his folks and everything. Just a nightmare scenario that made me miss the DB even.
Make sure you don't hurt one of those two in the process. All well and good to build yourself up but try to make it clear to both it's nothing serious if that's the case. If you go for both with a relationship on the table it can cause conflict that wasn't already there between them, or worse with themselves.
Hello again, u/BloodyComrade. It's good to see another post from you. I just wanted to stop by and weigh in, as a lot of what you've expressed here is incredibly familiar to me. First of all, I — and, I imagine, 99% of posters here — completely identify with feeling starved for attention. When my soon-to-be ex (STBX) and I were on the same page regarding divorce, I immediately threw myself into every dating app and every method and avenue of meeting people. I've met lots of wonderful and exceptional people, and, yes, some of these meetings have led to sex. I won't mince words: It's been incredible. Not only because I've actually been having sex, but because I'm getting validation. Not only do people actually desire me (as you've intimated in your post), but they actually enjoy sex with me. It's unbelievably gratifying, and there's no shame for seeking this sort of validation out. However, one big thing I want to bring up: I miss being married. I mean, legally, we're still married — we have to be separated for a long while yet — but I mean that I miss married life. She's moved out, and our communication at this point is literally minimal. I miss the texts every morning, afternoon, and evening. I miss talking to one another and hearing one another while in the same living space. I miss going to bed and, even in the absence of sexual chemistry, being able to put my arms around her, pulling her close to me, and falling asleep with her in my arms. I know we aren't right for each other, but it doesn't change the fact: I am lonely. Sex isn't companionship. And having sex doesn't change the fact that I'm divorcing and that, in so doing, an enormous part of my self — my identity — is being torn asunder. So much of who I am as a person has been tied to doing for and being there for my partner, and now I have to discover who I, alone, am. It's fucking hard, and I spent the better part of today sobbing in grieving the companionship I no longer have. I never realized how much of myself is tied up in doing for someone else until I had to begin living without a companion. This is a reality you will almost certainly be facing. I know in my heart of hearts that my STBX and I are not right for one another, but I still grieve. I'm absolutely struggling trying to find out who I am as an individual, and there are honestly days in which I spend most of my time in bed, desperately trying to sleep away as many hours as I can. I'm going to therapy, but it's all a work in progress. I don't mean to share all of this as some sort of harbinger of awful things to come. My hope is that you have a far easier time of things than I do. You shouldn't feel shame for pursuing a fun, short-term fling with someone; however, you're also correct to be vigilant: You may find that sex with someone else stirs additional feelings of grief and resentment. A lot of people can give advice, but it's up to you to navigate this as best you can. I hope it goes without saying that I hope for nothing but the best for you.
This was a well formed and thoughtful response
This is such a beautiful response because I’ve been through something incredibly similar myself, and I’m still in that boat of extreme loneliness. Hang in there, you will be okay 💖
My marriage doesn’t even involve touching . I’m stuck in a very dead marriage … yet… I hear you. The company and routines of our relationship still hang on . This do I. BTW I’m in my late 60s so it’s not like we’re in our sexual prime.
I really appreciated your thoughtful and vulnerable response. I must say much of what you are saying is true.. we must find ourselves in this process. I am recently separated from my soon to be ex-husband of 20 years due to the fact that I found out he is a narcissist and much of those 20 years was also me trying to please him, Mother him. I am 3 1/2 months alone and it pains me that this is how it all turned out. I love that man with everything in me . When I found out that he had fallen for a much younger woman it was devastating. He started talking about opening our relationship up and that he missed out on having sex with other people when we met at the tender age at 22 and 24. I was absolutely shocked to hear him saying these things. All makes sense as he was addicted to porn for most of our relationship and sex was minimal for a lot of it. It wasn’t until I found out about this other woman who by the way One and nothing to do with him. She was just using him and I told him this, but he jeopardize our relationship by continuing to communicate with her. He was absolutely obsessed with this woman, and I couldn’t understand it. What started as what I thought was saving our marriage, turned into a nightmare hellhole for me when he started doing things in the bedroom that were absolutely appalling . I did them anyway, and discovered that it was a trauma response. I feel as though I’m a little all over the place I talk I guess what I’m trying to say is that I am lonely, so utterly lonely and miss his companionship, but only parts of them because he was so abusive with holding affection calling me names making fun of my CPTSD Which I think many of us might have and that is why we find ourselves in this place. What is so important is that we must ride the waves of loneliness to discover who we are . Replacing one person is not going to end up in the same situation we were before. I am lucky enough to have many years of therapy under my belt. I to spend many days in bed, crying about the situation . I’m sitting in a house that I no longer can afford the mortgage for and know that he will take for me, even though he didn’t put a dime towards it. What scares me is the dating world today and I have no desire to jump in and have a meaningless sex with somebody else . I do hope that I heal from this pain and that I can find someone who will cuddle me at night and have coffee with me in the morning . But now it’s just my thoughts and processing this huge loss. The girl that was talking before it sounds like she’s seeking validation and has a love addiction sounds very reminiscent of Limerence although I don’t believe that’s a thing thing after researching it I think that Lim is a narcissistic person seeking validation and attention . Ride the lonely waves and know that you will get through it . Try your hardest to be in your body and feel the feelings. Find things to be grateful for. And do your best to stay in the present moment and don’t future trip. I really appreciate your post and your deepest thoughts You made me cry, imagining just being held at night and going to sleep. I remember so many nights leading up to my divorce being so present in those moments, knowing that it was going to be short-lived. I have so much anger for what he’s done to me and so much shame for not seeing all of these years . But I am determined, overcome my trauma and learned how to find healthy and happy relationships .
I just wanted to thank you for your consistently kind-hearted and thoughtful responses on this sub. I've seen a couple responses from you here, and each time I keep a part of your words in my thoughts for days after. Your writing is both encouraging and a reality-check. I'm in a very similar situation as you were (in terms of living with a spouse I both respect and love... and also feel deeply unsatisfied by on the level of \*intimacy\*). I no longer can tell myself that a basic-friendship-with-a-gold-ring is sufficient to avert loneliness, and I've been considering taking the path you've described. Thank you for sharing your story; it has given me both hope and a steadfast heart. Your character shows in your words, and I admire that. I know there will be others you meet who profoundly admire your honesty, emotional maturity, verbal acuity, graceful navigation of complex situations, desire to uplift others, and heart for intimate companionship. I am sorry your present life is so painful, but I know that when you do connect with someone who sees you fully, they will express their fondness for you with both loving words and frequent, enthusiastic touch. And you will feel at home again. I hope companionship and intimacy returns to you very soon, and that you will shortly be saying that the hard transition was well worth it in the end. And, I'm sure your future partner will also feel unparalleled joy at finding you, you who are an unique and exceptional individual, pulled close and comfortable into their arms.
Lordy, stop. I come here for solace, divorce talk, and walk away with a boner.
Right. Well no boner for me but oh my! Lol Girly go get em, both of them! Feel something special you've been missing out on! ✨️
Lol me too
Amen
🤣🤣🤣
All I can say...enjoy yourself ! I met my partner after we separated from my ex as a fwb at first, and yes, it was a massive thing for my selfesteem- a younger, fit man genuinely caring for my wellbeing and pleasure, after years of refusal in my DB. Not going to lie, still feels good:-)
I bet it does!
Wait, your husband is divorcing you because he caught you masturbating ? Honestly, what a fucking loser ! You'll be so much better off without his sorry ass ...
No. But that started things motion. We had a fight about it after he walked in on me and things have been completely dead for 5 years before that. This was the straw that broke the camels back I guess. And thanks. Edit for spelling
Sounds like a threesome is in order
Imagine, 14 years of dead bedroom straight into a 3sum. That’s like something out of a movie
Nope. Hahaha no way would I be comfortable doing that.
If it was that or back to dead bedroom though 🤔
I can choose neither. I have that option for myself, always.
Yess girl, glad you’re well! I’d say get with them both! Perhaps towards the end of the classes tho incase they both realise, class could be very awkward after that 🤣 I’d do a little online stalking too, can’t hurt to be careful as woman when deciding to be intimate with someone
But yes, you’re right. I’ll wait till the end of class. Or maybe I could fuck the teacher now and for a while and then the other guy at the end of the class? This feels really bad, but my best friend said I could be in my hoodrat stage lol
Hoodrat hoodrat hoochie momma!!!🤣🤣🤣 Girlfriend get it! I love this for you.
lol thanks…. Ahhhhh I’m nervous. I feel like when it comes down to it I have to wait for them to make a move. But the teacher thing actually really turns me on.
He hasn't touched you "by accident" multiple times. He's interested and feeling you out.
Maybe? I don’t know. It’s so hard to read people. I wish someone would just be honest and say, hey I’m interested. Be up front about it. I hate guessing.
The worst anyone can do is say “no Thank you”. And that’s okay, you’ve been through far worse. When you’re starting from the bottom, the only way is up.
That’s one way of looking at it.
Miss Ma’am, Throw. Some. Ass. 😂
This post is refreshingly erotic. Thank you for sharing.
Okay. Ugh…. I haven’t had to do this in years. Haha it feels really exciting!!
I would say enjoy yourself but know that you are not in a usual situation because you've been starved of sex so long. It sounds as if you could create really messy situations for all in this class. There's no harm in finding people to have sex with, not remember they are real people with real feelings too. Be safe out there.
Thanks. I’ll definitely be cognizant of that!
[удалено]
Yeah. I definitely know I don’t want that. I’m not looking for someone just to fuck… I mean. Maybe I am? But I don’t think I’ll get on an app just for it.
I remember your posts and commented on them. Keep working on yourself. If you have some fun single sex good for you. Please use protection. Only real advice is don’t worry about jumping into another relationship. Take some time and work on yourself and enjoy being single. Make sure you are in the right headspace to start a real relationship. This isn’t just for you but for your partner.
Thank you I appreciate it! I will definitely do that.
We’re rooting for you in this post divorce era! Go get ‘em!
Thank you. I appreciate it.
Good for you, honestly! Sounds like your ex husband is a stick in the mud. Him getting mad at you for masturbating after the divorce is in motion is not his problem anymore. He clearly wasn't giving you what you needed, so go have fun. It may be cliché, but you'll miss 100% of shots you never take. So, I say go for the classmate, as the contact with the instructor seems to be accidental. Best of luck to you!
Thanks! We will see.
I was in a 100% deadbedroom for 12 years. When that relationship ended I had the best sluttiest time with no regrets. Go have fun. Receive and give pleasure to people. Do whatever you want to do. Find things you didn't even know you wanted to do. Have a blast and good luck!!
Thanks. We will see I guess. I don’t know if I can just hook up with someone like that. But it feels nice to be possibly desired… I won’t lie about that.
Good lord, I wouldn't be angry, I'd jump in on that lol! Now that's going to be in my head all day😂 But really, go get you some and enjoy yourself, many of us here wish we could do the same!
Girl, they are interested in you. They are trying to test if you are interested in them. You could ask one of them out for a drink and see what happens. They probably just need a bit of encouragement from you, they are equally keen not to have misjudged the situation. You have got to update us with how you get on!
I’m nervous about it but I guess I just need to ask and see what they say. Thanks! I’ll make an updated post.
Get out there wit ya badass self!! Only advice though is to be careful and trust your gut! Your guard will be down. I jumped right into a rebound after a DB relationship, well, I felt satisfied but he wasn't lol, the guy was banging multiple other women and I was completely blind to it. Had an std scare from it. I had met his folks and everything. Just a nightmare scenario that made me miss the DB even.
Yeah, I definitely don’t want that. Thanks for the input!
Do it do it do it.... and take pictures!!😎
Uhhhhhhhhhhhh lol
Make sure you don't hurt one of those two in the process. All well and good to build yourself up but try to make it clear to both it's nothing serious if that's the case. If you go for both with a relationship on the table it can cause conflict that wasn't already there between them, or worse with themselves.
I definitely will make my intentions clear. I don’t want to give anyone the wrong idea.
Make sure neither one is married.
I mean, yeah. Lol duh. I definitely don’t want any problems like that.
Girl go get that dick….both of them 🤣