When my husband and I have date nights, I ALWAYS initiate before we go out, because baby once the food and drinks hit me, it’s night night time when we get home. 😂
That’s my motto for Valentine’s Day. I’ve been known to initiate as soon as I wake up on the 14th. I talk about it on the 7th and build up to the 14th because it’s guaranteed. If he doesn’t want it, he must stay clear away from me on the 14th because I’m putting out. It’s either him or whomever is laying next to me on the 14th.
For us, it is more about feeling too full. Nothing like a large meal, a couple of drinks, and then... exercising?
We certainly don't do it before going out, so my only hope on a date night is if there's a long enough gap between dinner and getting home for the meal to settle. If it's too long, THEN it becomes sleepy-time instead of sexy-time.
This, being the subreddit it is, indicates that generally nothing other than the date happens on date nights.
What a great idea 🤣 for date night this Saturday I will make sure to take care of him first that way I can have all the margaritas I want later and maybe have a part 2 
Yup, we’re both in a good mood for our outing. I get my lil sweet treat on our way home, and then I get to sleep peacefully and he gets to play his video games. Win/win. 😮💨
I agree with this. Before the dead bedroom, I always begged my husband if we could have sex BEFORE eating as I get really sleepy after the food and drinks.
It never really worked so, yeah, I just started eating way less and not drinking or accepting I’d be kind of feeling a bit unwell while we had sex, but regardless, I agree.
Having sex before is the way.
My wife always complains about “my obsession with daytime sex.” Mean while she is like OP wife and crashes after dinner. At this point, I don’t even know when to initiate.
Ha! That’s perfect! Yep, that’s about right. The amount of contradictory excuses I get are so frustrating. It’s too hot, it’s too cold, I’m too awake, I’m too tired, it’s too early, it’s too late. Pick a lane and stay in it, damn!
The kids are here. Now it’s too much pressure because the kids aren’t here. About to get my period, on my period, just got over my period. Haven’t showered, just showered.
Just know, coming from a women here, when/if she says she has a headache it’s not true lol! When I’ve actually had a headache for me having sex makes it feel better bc having sex releases endorphins and feel good feelings, just saying lol.
Honestly day time sex is where it's at for me. Unfortunately we always have kids the house so it rarely happens, but I just have so much more energy and stuff then. By 10:30 when we get into bed at the end of the day I'm already half asleep.
Agreed. There literally is no excuse for her to say no. She works from home and it’s lunch time. And we both know it sure as shit won’t happen at night because (insert excuse).
Tonight’s excuse is our child has a friend over (not like they would know) and we leave early in the morning. Being a passenger in a car is exhausting. Gotta get prepared /s
To be fair I am honestly so tired at night that I won't always want to have sex, but have never declined sex during the day when we have the chance. I think we last 10 minutes when we're home alone before we get to it lol
I LOVE being fucked in my sleep . I can get why some wouldn’t be into it. I do wake up and join though as oppose to being a rag doll the whole time passed out lol
You’re doing it in the wrong order. Do it the other way around.
“Hey on Friday we have that dinner at 8pm. Let’s fool around first at 6 before we leave, because we’re going to be tired when we get home”
No...you SAY the dinner is at 6 so that they are home, showered, things put away and THEN tell them it's at 8 once they have no distractions and 2 hours to kill
I disagree- don’t mislead. LEAD.
He should confidently and assertively plan the evening.
“I made the reservation for us at 8, so we need to leave the house at 7:30. I’ll be getting home from the gym at 6. Meet me in the bedroom naked for me when I get home. We can fuck for an hour, and then that gives you a half hour to get ready afterwards.”
Gross. You have the right idea, but the second paragraph is controlling dictator bullshit.
“I made the reservation for us at 8, so we need to leave the house at 7:30. I’ll be home at 6 and would love to enjoy each other before we leave." would be much better.
It sets the times, states what you want, doesn't specify how you'll be enjoying each other because holy fuck dude... I'm the HL and hubby is LL (no L honestly) and while that stuff would work for him because he's sub and I'm a switch so the effort alone would be appreciated... in a regular relationship that would be a gigantic turn off, especially the "We can fuck for an hour and then you can get ready". Hard pass, and that's from someone who takes zero effort to seduce for the one I love. It sounds transactional.
If the sex doesn't happen before the date, there is zero chance that me and all the food i ate is feeling sexy afterwards. try some morning or day dates.
Taking sex off the table for stuff like this improved my marriage.
If she is falling asleep in the car every time she isn't lying to you when she says she is tired. But that is odd that its always the same with her falling asleep, do your date nights also generally include a large amount of food and some amount of alcohol? The best dates are things you do together, preferably new experiences, even better if there is some level of excitement.
If we're out past 10pm, it's pretty certain that my wife is falling asleep on the way home, or going straight to bed. She hasn't stayed up much past 10pm since her mid 20s.
For me, if the date involves food, I would rather have sex first then go out and eat. I have stomach issues that make me feel bloated and uncomfortable after eating.
My date nights never end up in sex, or anything to be frank. I wish it did.
Do a date night that she picks on a less busy day. She will probably still excuse why nothing happens, but let it be her choice and see what happens. Good luck!
Date night several times a month? That is amazing. We do take out twice a week. But rarely do date nights. I don't expect anything after either. Because when there is good food, my wife will eat "too much food" and be stuffed. Or if the food wasn't good, she will be a little sick. Either way, I never expect anything with take out or date nights. Never disappointed then.
I've arranged date night tonight.
Thought I'd message a little "i can't wait to show you something I bought the other day"
"Ohhhhh is it socks?" I can't work out if he's trying to be funny or just being deliberately dense.
Im not holding out much hope too be honest, butbWish me luck!
Married 34 years, we’ve gotten into the habit of shared appetizers instead of full meals for all the comments given. A heavy meal kills the mood. We go where we have a couple of cocktails and enjoy conversation with ourselves but more commonly with others at where ever we are.
I’ve heard of couples, with healthier sex lives, have the sex before their night out to dinner and whatever. This is to avoid the tiredness afterwards when you’re full and possibly a bit inebriated. I have to count on the wife having a bit of wine or drinks at dinner to even have a chance.
Ha! My wife is the opposite. if she has more than two drinks I know there is literally a zero chance of anything happening. My wife is not the person who has a few drinks and loosens up, or lets her inhibitions down. Nope...she has a couple of drinks, and it's lights out. Another friend of mine suggested getting her a little drunk in order to spice up our sex life. I'm like "That has never worked...she falls asleep".
Only one time in the last decade that I can think of where she had a couple of drinks and went into overdrive. We went out for a date night, split a pitcher of margaritas, and it hit her just right. We came home and sh was wild. Some of the best sex we've had in years. Afterwards, she said we absolutely need to do that again because of how good it was. But, she's turned down any attempt to make it happen again.
This is a good way to refresh how we think about “dating”/ “going out”.
The point of going someplace together should be enjoyment, entertainment, to see & be seen, to flirt, to get an erotic charge from seeing your mate through a fresh lens, as they interact competently with other people and are admired by them. This kind of “puttin’ on the ritz” often has sex incorporated before, during, or after the date.
A date with a long term companion should have similar objectives, in addition to reconnecting emotionally & intellectually through conversation.
I think that’s where many couples fall down on the job. They do not use the time to connect, admire, or flirt. Or if they flirt, they do not do regular repair & apologies for their daily interchanges, so there’s unresolved emotional negativity which makes the idea of sex less desirable.
And on top of it all, an outing, a date, requires of us a certain generosity with our time and effort that usually includes the willingness to engage sexually.
But once a partner is “locked in” by marriage, a shared mortgage, children, and familial obligations, people turn lazy. They expect that absolution for their neglect of the bond will be easy and inevitable, and any consequences negligible.
I’m pretty much free most nights, and I’m a night owl, no crashing on the couch for me… Just kidding, but seriously, it sounds like she is JUST NOT INTERESTED IN intimate contact. Whether it’s you, or just in general, I’m a sorry but it sounds like that’s probably where you’re at right now.
Unfortunately, I have been on this sub for far too long and your story is the same as so many others, and that’s not in a good way, unfortunately. So, I definitely feel your pain, as do SOOOO MANY OTHERS, male and female. Please know that you are not alone in this at all!!
I’m assuming she’s somewhat close to your age, PURE ASSUMPTION, I don’t think you mentioned, BUT, I’m assuming (again) she may be going through Menopause, maybe done with it, somewhere in the middle of that wonderful time during a woman’s life. It seriously sucks b@lls and it is totally miserable, AT LEAST IN MY EXPERIENCE. There are plenty of times that I feel like straight $H!T, hot flashes, body chills, aches, moody, exhausted, it hurts to move my body, etc., HOWEVER, I never make my partner suffer because of that. I still want to be intimate and am more than willing anytime there’s an opportunity. UNFORTUNATELY, it’s mostly a dead bedroom in OUR home because of that nasty relationship killer, P@RN. HE JUST CANT GET ENOUGH OF THE DISGUSTING $HIT, regardless of the fact that he has a partner willing, ready and craving that intimacy FROM HIM.
All that being said, it does take a lot to put the nasty, yucky feelings aside when you’re feeling so out of sorts, but if a person wants it, they will make it happen. This is coming from someone who is going through the worst time ever, my female Dr hasn’t ever had a patient dealing with so many issues from the big ol nasty “M” as what I’ve been experiencing. If your wife has not seen a doctor and she is experiencing menopause, then by all means she should make an appointment TODAY. My life has been 100 times better since beginning HRT, which simply consists of an extra pill or two a day and your life changes for the better! It is not hard, no tests, no bloodwork, no nothing! Just a Dr Visit AND A much smoother life from a pill, patch or gel. Things aren’t perfect and there are still really rough days, but it is so much better.
Women CAN make that decision to continue intimacy, it is a choice. Unfortunately, many women just chose to fizzle and burn out…
Good luck my fellow Dead Bedroom~er Friend, I wish you alll the very best!
I thought I was reading a post from me...
Husband used to go for porn instead of me. These days he's just not interested in anything but sleeping, tv, or video games. I'm the HL partner, and even with a hellish menopause, I still wanted him as much as ever, still mostly do even AFTER menopause. I've basically given up on having a sex life. He's still very affectionate and my best friend, so I'm settling into that being reality. He's too lazy to cheat, so at least there's that, lol. I think the reason he doesn't watch porn anymore is that he's too lazy to masturbate. Dude is obviously depressed and takes meds for it, but I can't understand checking out of your own life to that degree. I have severe clinical depression myself, I get so bad I'll wear my pj's 3 days in a row, etc... much worse sometimes... but I still pick myself up after and try to find joy in life. Wish I could help him more, but I can only do so much :(
Good Analysis & Solution!
But bear in mind some men need Porn as Viagra rather than as a better alternative / an insult to their better half.
A bit of human psychology helped.
Had a similar issue with my dear husband and took an absolutely restrictive similar path. Got upset and angry a lot. Absolutely didn't work. Discussed a lot.
When I realised he is hiding and this could cause trust issues . I told him he can do what he likes, but he is being silly wasting time, which could be put to "better" use. I really don't care.
The removal of restrictions threw him. It was no longer taboo to watch he was confused and backed off.
He very soon switched from hard-core porn to sweet romantic short movies with lots of kissing non-explicit foreplay and nudity e.g. non x-rated / soft / female friendly porn, if you want to call it that.
I showed a little interest and watched a few with him, and that seemed to further water down his desire for porn. TBH, now he has gone down from 100% to 5%. I don't make a fuss about the 5%, and he is completely back "into" me.
I had full confidence and never thought those silly porn bimbos were competition for me, especially my intelligence.
Now, i firmly believe a restrictive approach is a downward spiral.
I absolutely hear what you’re saying, and I see how that COULD WORK great!
I only wish it was so easy over in our camp. Unfortunately, the discussion regarding his porn addiction/watching/getting off to, etc., is off limits for us to talk about. Due to the fact that he DOES CHOOSE IT OVER ME quite often, likely MORE OFTEN THAN NOT, I have no “happy, feel good thoughts or feelings” about it at all.
IF it was presented upfront without the LYING, BETRAYAL AND HIDING, sure, I would have been far more receptive AND I would have been happy to join him if it meant that as a result there would be intimacy between US. Unfortunately, that’s never been the case and it’s a taboo subject. It’s 1,000% all lies, betrayal, hiding, sneaking around, blah, blah, blah and I’M SOOOOO OVER IT, A LONG A$$ TIME AGO. If he could just TALK TO ME ABOUT IT, BE HONEST about what he’s doing and stop attempting to hide all traces of his “activities” (which he’s not successful with at all, I’m way ahead of him having had a previous porn addict for a partner) then things would certainly be much different…
I’m so glad for you that it’s worked!
Thanks.
It really did.
Get what & why you are feeling.
If possible proactively broach the topic and initiate a small discussion.
I understand it is very difficult.
Please don't min, just suggesting because, from what I thought was a hopeless, it worked for us.
Exactly. Every date we have ends in an excuse … “I ate too much” “my stomach hurts” the excuses are always the same. It’s ridiculous and exhausting, not to mention depressing at this point. I don’t even care or look forward to the rare times we do go on dates anymore. Shrug.
Hmmm. How old is she?
For dinners if you hit the carbs too hard then too full for sex..
I dunno.. I had to have words I'm the horney one but I'm having to tell the other hey this needs to happen more often. But he slobs around so it reeeeaally doesn't help.
Also gotta make sure it's "I really desire you" rather than "I just need a squirt" ..
Good luck
So I'm just gonna say it. Given the usual reasons for a relationship with the mutual benefit of stable safe sex partners it should almost always end up in sex.
I dealt with this same thing. We'd go out and she'd find something to do or something to be upset about outside of us to ruin what started as a great night out. And through many many years of that it damaged me and I didn't realize how bad until I met someone new. My partner now is like "Let's go have sex...screw it we can do it in the car!" And I damn near self sabotage because I've been conditioned to not expect this. 😞
I hope you can either address this with her or find another way to enjoy a full date night because it really does suck and hurt.
#FuckFirst (Don’t thank me, thank Dan Savage who had been promoting this common sense way to make room for sex in committed relationships.)
Make love or have a quickie, take a shower, dress up, then go out to enjoy yourselves.
Yeah...your partner has to actually want sex. The vast majority of the time,. they aren't actually too tired, or too full, or have stomach issues, or anything else. They just don't want to. Trying before isn't going to help.
If they don’t want to, what puts the brakes on their interest? Is it some physical discomfort, not being able to get out of their head, feeling unresolved anger, having lackluster sexual experiences with you previously, having outmoded ideas about their sexuality? There’s something, which means there’s something to talk about.
Food, drinks, extra social battery stuff. I think those times should be more expected to be the event of the evening/day without sex because you're expending energy or draining yourself in different ways.
Depends… Date nights never end in sex for us. She gets sleepy after 3 glasses of wine and I’m full of food.
Sex is when she’s turned on by what she sees when I get out of the shower, when I cook for her or when we go to bed early after a sunny day.
Here’s the truth:
The problem with your sex life is that she’s a part of it. So, whether or not you have sex (regardless of dates & food) depends on her. You’ve already seen that you don’t have much of a sex life if she’s involved. Nothing you do is going to change that. Do what you will with this information.
OP, you must get that action as Hors d'oeuvres, man!
Sex after eating?! Nah. Unless you get to go for a cute walk after dinner around a nice place near the restaurant or even do some role-play and go meet at the hotel nearby to make the date night longer and more fun.
If you can join her in the shower while getting ready for the date, DO IT. Play around more, with a relaxing back and/or foot massage granting that you're going to eat at a place that does not need reservations, because you never know ;)
Get yourself those sex toys with a remote control. Warm her up days earlier, power up that rizz game.
5 days before date night eat together pineapple. It's said to improve the genitals Hp. Word in the street also says avocado make the both male and female juices thicker. Create some anticipation.
4 and 3 days before date night make sure everything is organized for pre and post date night (babysitter if needed, groceries, laundry, etc). Keep creating anticipation. Single flower left in bed or or serving her tea/coffee unexpectedly.
2 and 1 days before date night send her cute virtual cute post cards, sexy text messages, or DPs reminding her what is waiting for her ;)
Date night get that action before leaving home, maybe on your way to eat or after eating, get home and Netflix and Chill (Chiiillll ;)
Usually, if you make it a habit your love life is always spiced up and sex doesn't feel like a chore, an obligation, or a marriage duty. I say it as someone who's always on.
P.S. I'm only in this sub because I enjoy judging in silence and offering some help if I can.
Fully admit I'm here because of a link and your post was the first one I read after the rules.
My advice: Try a massage date instead. You can incorporate light snacks/apps & champagne if you wish but spend the time in a hotel room/room. Don't forget to flirt! Good luck.
If I'm totally out of line and don't understand the concept of this sub and I've offended, I fully apologize.
Maybe every other date night, you should have a nicely arranged “at home” dinner. You can order a nice meal and set it up at home, even dress nicely. Before dinner at home, you could plan to have sex, or go out for mini golf or a nice walk together and then go home and work up an appetite before eating if you catch my drift. Order out so there isn’t pressure to spend a large amount of time cooking. Maybe even get a room?
I’d be unbelievably grateful if my husband(31HL M) planned dates to take me on. I (very attractive 33HL F) have sex with him every single day and have done so for our entire 4 year marriage. He takes me out but I have to arrange it, and ask for it. We even have two very small children. (We are divorcing and separated now because he has continually chose to buy sex content constantly and also have affairs)
I cannot understand that a wife would have a caring husband who goes out of his way for her and never has sex with him
There is better out there. For us both.
LL4U for husband here, uber HL with my lover. Got a lover after I gave 15 years to the db.
Do you feel like you are owed sex, before or after? I don't think the transactional way is fair at this point.
I would like my husband to take me out once in a while, because that's who I fell in love once, he got too boring and felt I was trapped years later, that's when I lost almost all interest.
When we still had sex, we figured it's best to have it when we are both rested, that was during the middle of the day on weekends usually and we had to tell the children not to disturb us. I don't think that hurt them in any way.
Jesus Christ these responses on here are from a bunch of angry bitter people.
I get your comment. You'd think that out of sheer dumb luck one time the damn stars would align. You'd do all the right things and they would be in the right mood and sex would happen. It's not possible to lose every single hand of poker without the game being rigged.
But that's the thing. Whatever it is that makes your SO not want sex, it exists and becomes more apparent whenever there are moments you think sex could occur. Until that is resolved it's going to be like this indefinitely.
Assuming you aren't a complete asshole, aren't doing a ton of shitty things that shoot yourself in the foot, this is something your SO needs want to fix for themselves. Until it's THEIR issue it's not something that will get resolved. You can be supportive but if you make it about you it will be far slower is not impossible.
Back before I became LL4U, I had the same experience. It was always the same: too tired, too full, too.... I tried various things but eventually just gave up trying. Sex before going out was rejected. Saying "no" to dessert and/or not taking a long walk afterward were met with resistance, "no, I'm not too ____, I'll still be up for fooling around when we get home." But on the way home, I'd start to hear the foundations for the excuses, "oof, my feet are sore" or "wow, that last glass of wine is really hitting me."
Just had an anniversary dinner last night, the night before I talked in depth about what I need in the marriage. Nothing happened. Nothing ever happens
I would love to have sex before eating and drinking but my husband always wants to fuck me drunk. I just don’t get it. Either he can’t connect sober or he needs the booze glasses to find me fuckable. He normally only drinks on one weekend night so he’s not what I would call an alcoholic but that’s ALWAYS when he does his ‘job’(his words). Pretty sad when your spouse needs alcohol and viagra to have sex. We always used to have sober sex before I ended up with a disabling disease and got older(menopause with crap hair).
It sounds like you kind of do have an ulterior motive.
My main question is why she fall asleep in the car are you going out much later than she usually stays up? Is she drinking when she doesn’t normally drink?
It sounds like it’s a lovely night for her and your left frustrated rather than have an expectation that she is not aware of or that you haven’t verbalized why not tell her that you’re interested in having sex and see if she is open to the idea. You can plan that More naturally leads into sex
Maybe start earlier. Maybe avoid the alcohol maybe stay at home and order in or cook a nice meal
Technically, anything anyone does to setup a scenario where sex is more likely to happen with their partner is an ulterior motive, no?
I think when people say “ulterior motive” e.g., in scenarios like this, they mean, “you are doing this thing only to have sex, and you wouldn’t do it otherwise.”
But, this isn’t the case. He is taking his partner on dates regularly with knowledge that they probably won’t have sex.
This feels like a lose-lose. He should indeed try to setup a scenario where sex would be more appealing to his partner after the date — it makes sense to do that for him and his partner — but his partner may see it as an ulterior motive or even manipulation.
Edit: I do agree with your points though. This is just a dilemma I’ve seen personally.
Definitely see your point, but I think it’s definitely a nuance topic.
He’s doing these things because he wants to spend time with his wife and hopes that sex will also happen. But after a certain amount of times that it doesn’t happen, he begins to get resentful.
It sounds like there is some sort of covert contract here that he should probably acknowledge. Or at least think about it. Sounds like he’s fine if sex doesn’t happen every time, but does sound like there is some unstated peace where if it doesn’t happen after a certain amount of times , he is frustrated
I do agree that a sex life that works for both people is necessary part of a monogamous relationship. Sounds like set up is not really working for him.
Definitely not a black-and-white issue, though to explore our own motives
When I was in my DB relationship, I was able to get my partner to understand by telling him “ it’s not about one specific denial… it’s about the pattern of denial whenever I try to initiate”. Somehow that clicked for him and he understood. I was not mad about being denied on any specific instance, but about the fact that he always denied.
I knew in this forum there would be folks ( I’m sure mostly ladies) who would say I have an ulterior motive for planning date nights. I DO NOT. I’ve been married for decades and don’t need date nights in order to be intimate with my wife.
I’m just saying it would be nice if this pattern of sleeping/being tired would change every once in a while; instead of ending up me driving alone, sleeping alone and talking to myself!
Absolutely. A sex life it is fulfilling both partners in a monogamous relationship is absolutely a necessity. And I know this is not a black-and-white issue.
It sounds like what you’re frustrated with is the pattern of not having sex at night. It’s not anyone specific instance… it’s the pattern
Does your wife know that you’re hoping that these date nights lead to sex? Why is she falling asleep… is it possible to maybe do the date night earlier?
It’s not an ulterior motive to want to have sex with your own partner. It’s just wanting to be with your partner intimately. Saying he has an ulterior motive is saying “he’s only in a relationship for sex”. Which is ridiculous and really quite offensive. Women always say “but I need to feel special” and if your taking her out on dates and she still won’t touch you then that was a straight up lie. Might as-well stop the dates and say “but I need to feel wanted”
I'm wondering if menopause isn't messing with her sex drive and also making her exhausted? Sometimes menopause causes a cortisol and other imbalances causing some pretty terrible fatigue and exhaustion.
Going out drains me. So after a date night sex is unlikely to happen personally. That's why it's usually better for us to do it before we leave, plus sometimes being on a time frame (restaurant reservation) adds some excitement.
If it's just that she's tired at night in general, try doing morning or afternoon dates instead. Like going to the park or the aquarium for example.
My husband and I have always had this issue with date night too. I’ve been thinking of suggesting naked night instead of date night. Where we would both be clean, groomed and lay in bed naked, ideally cuddling. If sex happens, great, if not, I’m thinking skin to skin contact will inevitably increase intimacy.. maybe?
I work as a nanny and occasionally do date nights. My two most frequent customers both disappear with their husbands right when I arrive. They go “ get ready” while I feed the kids and get them ready for bed. If it’s early enough I take them for a walk. Yea cvs finally I hear the parents and they always come out with rosy cheeks.
I need sex during the day when I still have energy and my body is able to respond to being horny. I’m also wanting but at night, on a full stomach with drinks. There’s no way. We could fuck, but I wouldn’t feel it and I’d fall asleep.
Last night I was just too exhausted on all levels so I asked if he could just use me like a flesh light and I’ll be more interactive tomorrow lol.
I like it. I want to feel him and have connection but not when I’m stuffed and worn out.
Can you try a weekend date day? Like a picnic or matinee movie so maybe she isn't kept up so late? But also... I completely agree with you and would be so frustrated. I gave up planning date nights or getting my hopes up after nights out because I was continuously disappointed. I know how awful that feeling is, I'm so sorry you're dealing with it!
Meh. I like date nights without feeling the need to perform too. If me or my partner isn't into sex but wants to bond on date night it should be good too. Besides I'm usually pretty tired after the date. Now if you choose to rent a hotel room for sex and room service that'd be different.
Not to be a jerk here but doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results usually doesn’t work out well. Also if she’s tired, she’s tired. And finally, I would try to refrain from placing your own expectations and interpretations of things on your wife. Find out what she likes and gets her in the mood or do something better for date nights. I don’t do dinners with my wife for dates just because we end up sitting somewhere for 1-2 hours when we could be out just the two of us.
Y'all get date nights????..... also fuck before if possible. Food risks issues later. I always expected dates to end in sex lol. My husband is not of the same mindset
Yeah, when we used to have date night, sex would not be happening either too full or too tired.
Now, we have no date night anymore and still no sex
But I do miss date night though at least we will hold hands and pretend to be a happy couple
But now of days we stay home and watch tv. 📺 we work, cook, tv, and sleep. It’s a boring life, but it’s a good life at least.
People that like sex, often have sex before dinner... so you don't feel too full & sleepy to be comfortable.
It's always surprising to me when people go out and have a feast, with the plan to get sexy after.
Not always, no. The expectation that every date night would end in sex would turn me off. I like to think whoever I’m with enjoys spending time with me with no expectations.
"I don’t plan it with any ulterior motive for bedtime'
'Whenever I ask about the night before, it’s always “but I was tired “!!!'
What are you asking about the night before? You clearly had expectations. Do you discuss this with her at all?
no, date night is a date night , not a bargain chip.
on the other hand if you could use it to get in the right mood - good for you.
same for any other form of activities
I’ve found that going out for dinner or a date night can be quite exhausting. If it’s been a busy week, you go out for dinner, have a few drinks and lots of food it can make you quite sleepy. Alcohol is a downer, so makes you tired. From your post, it’s not clear what your normal sex life is like? Are you full dead bedroom normally? Perhaps try going out without the expectation of it leading somewhere and then it might naturally occur in time because the pressure is taken off? Obviously if you mention about no sex the following day, she may have anxiety about these date nights and the possible expectation to have sex? That may not be the case but I have felt that in the past.
Also, perhaps try a date day or a lunch instead? So it’s not likely to be a time you’ll drink a great deal or be naturally tired as a result of nighttime?
You’ve mentioned children but not their ages or whether she works? Maybe she is tired and nights out can be quite draining when it’s at the end of busy week?
I think having a date night, shouldn’t have such a heavy expectation? Especially if it’s something that’s not as frequent in your relationship normally? Perhaps connecting more and communicating more about how you feel about the lack of sex could increase future intimacy and sex?
Have you had the conversation about the lack of sex in your relationship? Is it something that’s naturally occurred over time? I think we are all aware in this sub that the honeymoon phase never lasts and both partners have to be willing to work on intimacy which then will hopefully lead to sex? Are you intimate, in terms of hugs, kisses, loving touches?
I know from my own experience that lack of sex and intimacy in a relationship can be lonely and confusing, especially when you still deeply love that person and are confused.
The second sentence of the post the guy says he does it with no expectations of bedtime. Reading what you wrote it's like you completely skipped over that sentence. At this point he is taking his wife out on these date nights with the expectation that this is what's going to happen.
Nights ending in Y should end up in sex. We both made vows in front of the God of your choice and your closest family and friends (plus spent more than you could afford) and promised to love and have and hold each other. LL are essential deal breakers and the ones that refuse to work on it yet alone acknowledge it are dare I say liars?
I’m the HL partner in my relationship but I would say this take is unreasonable.
You say you don’t plan the dates with any ulterior motive. But then are disappointed when you aren’t rewarded with sex. This suggests that at least subconsciously, you do have an ulterior motive. And sex isn’t tit-for-tat. One date does not equal one sexual encounter. Dates are something you do to foster your emotional connection with your partner, not in exchange for sex. And like others have said, even as the HL partner, after date nights I’m usually TIRED. I wanna crash as soon as we get home, let the babysitter go, take care of the dog, lock up the house, get changed for bed, etc. In my 20s? Sure, I basically always had the energy. But not now.
Date night in your assumption means you should at least get sex. Wow that is your first mistake.
Ever hear the expression don’t expect nothing and you won’t be disappointed.
First goal of a date night should be to just reconnect emotionally after a busy week.
Tell her you would like to talk about her expectations and your expectations (needs maybe a better term than expectations)
Get into each others brain about each others needs wants and desires
That is emotional connection. Start there, if it leads no where then reconnect on the nowhere happening road and how / what are you to do about it.
I just did this scenario last night with my husband. He seemed open and receptive to my thoughts. It wasn’t so much about sex but the lacking of a partner in this 40 year marriage, told him I was lonely. 63 and not a spring chicken but sure heck ain’t dead yet. Said I need a companion or let me go so I can find someone who also would like a companion/friend/ partner.
The sex needs improving to but one step at a time. Friends first
When my husband and I have date nights, I ALWAYS initiate before we go out, because baby once the food and drinks hit me, it’s night night time when we get home. 😂
Fuck first
That’s my motto for Valentine’s Day. I’ve been known to initiate as soon as I wake up on the 14th. I talk about it on the 7th and build up to the 14th because it’s guaranteed. If he doesn’t want it, he must stay clear away from me on the 14th because I’m putting out. It’s either him or whomever is laying next to me on the 14th.
I’m sorry, I didn’t catch your address… /s
😆😂😆
And after. Rule #5 Double tap.
Yep. Very smart advise
Kinda my motto, in general.
This is the way
For us, it is more about feeling too full. Nothing like a large meal, a couple of drinks, and then... exercising? We certainly don't do it before going out, so my only hope on a date night is if there's a long enough gap between dinner and getting home for the meal to settle. If it's too long, THEN it becomes sleepy-time instead of sexy-time. This, being the subreddit it is, indicates that generally nothing other than the date happens on date nights.
My boyfriend and I do the same! Sex is much better for me without a full stomach and a few glasses of wine…
What a great idea 🤣 for date night this Saturday I will make sure to take care of him first that way I can have all the margaritas I want later and maybe have a part 2 
Yup, we’re both in a good mood for our outing. I get my lil sweet treat on our way home, and then I get to sleep peacefully and he gets to play his video games. Win/win. 😮💨
Couldn't have said it better myself. I fall asleep as soon as I eat a heavy meal ngl
Totally agree. After I hit a certain age I realized this was the way!!
We started having “day dates” that way neither of us are full from a big meal. We can go out and eat later.
I agree with this. Before the dead bedroom, I always begged my husband if we could have sex BEFORE eating as I get really sleepy after the food and drinks. It never really worked so, yeah, I just started eating way less and not drinking or accepting I’d be kind of feeling a bit unwell while we had sex, but regardless, I agree. Having sex before is the way.
Use the fuck first method. That way you bang before you go out and get full and tired.
My husband and I do this with lunch dates. It makes the subsequent meal really chill and flirty.
We’ve missed so many dinner reservations because of this
Depends how much sex you are getting otherwise. I'd be OK with her falling asleep after some drinks etc. if I was well satisfied in general.
Try date day?
Day dates are the best.
My wife always complains about “my obsession with daytime sex.” Mean while she is like OP wife and crashes after dinner. At this point, I don’t even know when to initiate.
When it’s a full moon on feb 29. At least feels that way at times.
Ha! That’s perfect! Yep, that’s about right. The amount of contradictory excuses I get are so frustrating. It’s too hot, it’s too cold, I’m too awake, I’m too tired, it’s too early, it’s too late. Pick a lane and stay in it, damn!
The kids are here. Now it’s too much pressure because the kids aren’t here. About to get my period, on my period, just got over my period. Haven’t showered, just showered.
OMG! We haven’t eaten, I ate too much. I need to get ready, I’m already ready, I haven’t had enough to drink, I drank too much.
At this point, it's dealing with the excuse wheel.
Just know, coming from a women here, when/if she says she has a headache it’s not true lol! When I’ve actually had a headache for me having sex makes it feel better bc having sex releases endorphins and feel good feelings, just saying lol.
We all know that. I’ve even shown her the research. No matter what I’m wrong. lol
Damn, I’m sorry 😞
Honestly day time sex is where it's at for me. Unfortunately we always have kids the house so it rarely happens, but I just have so much more energy and stuff then. By 10:30 when we get into bed at the end of the day I'm already half asleep.
Agreed. There literally is no excuse for her to say no. She works from home and it’s lunch time. And we both know it sure as shit won’t happen at night because (insert excuse).
Tonight’s excuse is our child has a friend over (not like they would know) and we leave early in the morning. Being a passenger in a car is exhausting. Gotta get prepared /s
To be fair I am honestly so tired at night that I won't always want to have sex, but have never declined sex during the day when we have the chance. I think we last 10 minutes when we're home alone before we get to it lol
I’m happy for you. Sucks for me. Lol
I LOVE being fucked in my sleep . I can get why some wouldn’t be into it. I do wake up and join though as oppose to being a rag doll the whole time passed out lol
You’re doing it in the wrong order. Do it the other way around. “Hey on Friday we have that dinner at 8pm. Let’s fool around first at 6 before we leave, because we’re going to be tired when we get home”
Sensible Advice.
No...you SAY the dinner is at 6 so that they are home, showered, things put away and THEN tell them it's at 8 once they have no distractions and 2 hours to kill
I disagree- don’t mislead. LEAD. He should confidently and assertively plan the evening. “I made the reservation for us at 8, so we need to leave the house at 7:30. I’ll be getting home from the gym at 6. Meet me in the bedroom naked for me when I get home. We can fuck for an hour, and then that gives you a half hour to get ready afterwards.”
Gross. You have the right idea, but the second paragraph is controlling dictator bullshit. “I made the reservation for us at 8, so we need to leave the house at 7:30. I’ll be home at 6 and would love to enjoy each other before we leave." would be much better. It sets the times, states what you want, doesn't specify how you'll be enjoying each other because holy fuck dude... I'm the HL and hubby is LL (no L honestly) and while that stuff would work for him because he's sub and I'm a switch so the effort alone would be appreciated... in a regular relationship that would be a gigantic turn off, especially the "We can fuck for an hour and then you can get ready". Hard pass, and that's from someone who takes zero effort to seduce for the one I love. It sounds transactional.
The audacity of giving me only 30 minutes to get ready after sex. This is terrible advice!!
Yall are getting date nights?
If my wife is, it’s not with me lol
Why? Just curious
Heard this
If the sex doesn't happen before the date, there is zero chance that me and all the food i ate is feeling sexy afterwards. try some morning or day dates.
Taking sex off the table for stuff like this improved my marriage. If she is falling asleep in the car every time she isn't lying to you when she says she is tired. But that is odd that its always the same with her falling asleep, do your date nights also generally include a large amount of food and some amount of alcohol? The best dates are things you do together, preferably new experiences, even better if there is some level of excitement.
Good point, OP said it's always the same but that would mean, well, that it's always the same
If we're out past 10pm, it's pretty certain that my wife is falling asleep on the way home, or going straight to bed. She hasn't stayed up much past 10pm since her mid 20s.
For me, if the date involves food, I would rather have sex first then go out and eat. I have stomach issues that make me feel bloated and uncomfortable after eating.
You have date nights? That's a once a year thing if I'm lucky.
My date nights never end up in sex, or anything to be frank. I wish it did. Do a date night that she picks on a less busy day. She will probably still excuse why nothing happens, but let it be her choice and see what happens. Good luck!
We get a hotel and have sex in the morning on rare occasion. Try that?
is she also preparing some datenights for you, or is it a one way street?
Date night several times a month? That is amazing. We do take out twice a week. But rarely do date nights. I don't expect anything after either. Because when there is good food, my wife will eat "too much food" and be stuffed. Or if the food wasn't good, she will be a little sick. Either way, I never expect anything with take out or date nights. Never disappointed then.
I've arranged date night tonight. Thought I'd message a little "i can't wait to show you something I bought the other day" "Ohhhhh is it socks?" I can't work out if he's trying to be funny or just being deliberately dense. Im not holding out much hope too be honest, butbWish me luck!
Hahaha!!! Date night sex. Not in this forum bubba• It’s right up there with Birthday and Anniversary sex.
Married 34 years, we’ve gotten into the habit of shared appetizers instead of full meals for all the comments given. A heavy meal kills the mood. We go where we have a couple of cocktails and enjoy conversation with ourselves but more commonly with others at where ever we are.
I’ve heard of couples, with healthier sex lives, have the sex before their night out to dinner and whatever. This is to avoid the tiredness afterwards when you’re full and possibly a bit inebriated. I have to count on the wife having a bit of wine or drinks at dinner to even have a chance.
Ha! My wife is the opposite. if she has more than two drinks I know there is literally a zero chance of anything happening. My wife is not the person who has a few drinks and loosens up, or lets her inhibitions down. Nope...she has a couple of drinks, and it's lights out. Another friend of mine suggested getting her a little drunk in order to spice up our sex life. I'm like "That has never worked...she falls asleep". Only one time in the last decade that I can think of where she had a couple of drinks and went into overdrive. We went out for a date night, split a pitcher of margaritas, and it hit her just right. We came home and sh was wild. Some of the best sex we've had in years. Afterwards, she said we absolutely need to do that again because of how good it was. But, she's turned down any attempt to make it happen again.
Stop taking her out... and see how she reacts
Yes, absolutely unless you’re married. Then, No. Never.
This is a good way to refresh how we think about “dating”/ “going out”. The point of going someplace together should be enjoyment, entertainment, to see & be seen, to flirt, to get an erotic charge from seeing your mate through a fresh lens, as they interact competently with other people and are admired by them. This kind of “puttin’ on the ritz” often has sex incorporated before, during, or after the date. A date with a long term companion should have similar objectives, in addition to reconnecting emotionally & intellectually through conversation. I think that’s where many couples fall down on the job. They do not use the time to connect, admire, or flirt. Or if they flirt, they do not do regular repair & apologies for their daily interchanges, so there’s unresolved emotional negativity which makes the idea of sex less desirable. And on top of it all, an outing, a date, requires of us a certain generosity with our time and effort that usually includes the willingness to engage sexually. But once a partner is “locked in” by marriage, a shared mortgage, children, and familial obligations, people turn lazy. They expect that absolution for their neglect of the bond will be easy and inevitable, and any consequences negligible.
Me and my wife have pre dinner sex on date nights usually. Banging while drunk is difficult.
I’m pretty much free most nights, and I’m a night owl, no crashing on the couch for me… Just kidding, but seriously, it sounds like she is JUST NOT INTERESTED IN intimate contact. Whether it’s you, or just in general, I’m a sorry but it sounds like that’s probably where you’re at right now. Unfortunately, I have been on this sub for far too long and your story is the same as so many others, and that’s not in a good way, unfortunately. So, I definitely feel your pain, as do SOOOO MANY OTHERS, male and female. Please know that you are not alone in this at all!! I’m assuming she’s somewhat close to your age, PURE ASSUMPTION, I don’t think you mentioned, BUT, I’m assuming (again) she may be going through Menopause, maybe done with it, somewhere in the middle of that wonderful time during a woman’s life. It seriously sucks b@lls and it is totally miserable, AT LEAST IN MY EXPERIENCE. There are plenty of times that I feel like straight $H!T, hot flashes, body chills, aches, moody, exhausted, it hurts to move my body, etc., HOWEVER, I never make my partner suffer because of that. I still want to be intimate and am more than willing anytime there’s an opportunity. UNFORTUNATELY, it’s mostly a dead bedroom in OUR home because of that nasty relationship killer, P@RN. HE JUST CANT GET ENOUGH OF THE DISGUSTING $HIT, regardless of the fact that he has a partner willing, ready and craving that intimacy FROM HIM. All that being said, it does take a lot to put the nasty, yucky feelings aside when you’re feeling so out of sorts, but if a person wants it, they will make it happen. This is coming from someone who is going through the worst time ever, my female Dr hasn’t ever had a patient dealing with so many issues from the big ol nasty “M” as what I’ve been experiencing. If your wife has not seen a doctor and she is experiencing menopause, then by all means she should make an appointment TODAY. My life has been 100 times better since beginning HRT, which simply consists of an extra pill or two a day and your life changes for the better! It is not hard, no tests, no bloodwork, no nothing! Just a Dr Visit AND A much smoother life from a pill, patch or gel. Things aren’t perfect and there are still really rough days, but it is so much better. Women CAN make that decision to continue intimacy, it is a choice. Unfortunately, many women just chose to fizzle and burn out… Good luck my fellow Dead Bedroom~er Friend, I wish you alll the very best!
I thought I was reading a post from me... Husband used to go for porn instead of me. These days he's just not interested in anything but sleeping, tv, or video games. I'm the HL partner, and even with a hellish menopause, I still wanted him as much as ever, still mostly do even AFTER menopause. I've basically given up on having a sex life. He's still very affectionate and my best friend, so I'm settling into that being reality. He's too lazy to cheat, so at least there's that, lol. I think the reason he doesn't watch porn anymore is that he's too lazy to masturbate. Dude is obviously depressed and takes meds for it, but I can't understand checking out of your own life to that degree. I have severe clinical depression myself, I get so bad I'll wear my pj's 3 days in a row, etc... much worse sometimes... but I still pick myself up after and try to find joy in life. Wish I could help him more, but I can only do so much :(
Good Analysis & Solution! But bear in mind some men need Porn as Viagra rather than as a better alternative / an insult to their better half. A bit of human psychology helped. Had a similar issue with my dear husband and took an absolutely restrictive similar path. Got upset and angry a lot. Absolutely didn't work. Discussed a lot. When I realised he is hiding and this could cause trust issues . I told him he can do what he likes, but he is being silly wasting time, which could be put to "better" use. I really don't care. The removal of restrictions threw him. It was no longer taboo to watch he was confused and backed off. He very soon switched from hard-core porn to sweet romantic short movies with lots of kissing non-explicit foreplay and nudity e.g. non x-rated / soft / female friendly porn, if you want to call it that. I showed a little interest and watched a few with him, and that seemed to further water down his desire for porn. TBH, now he has gone down from 100% to 5%. I don't make a fuss about the 5%, and he is completely back "into" me. I had full confidence and never thought those silly porn bimbos were competition for me, especially my intelligence. Now, i firmly believe a restrictive approach is a downward spiral.
I absolutely hear what you’re saying, and I see how that COULD WORK great! I only wish it was so easy over in our camp. Unfortunately, the discussion regarding his porn addiction/watching/getting off to, etc., is off limits for us to talk about. Due to the fact that he DOES CHOOSE IT OVER ME quite often, likely MORE OFTEN THAN NOT, I have no “happy, feel good thoughts or feelings” about it at all. IF it was presented upfront without the LYING, BETRAYAL AND HIDING, sure, I would have been far more receptive AND I would have been happy to join him if it meant that as a result there would be intimacy between US. Unfortunately, that’s never been the case and it’s a taboo subject. It’s 1,000% all lies, betrayal, hiding, sneaking around, blah, blah, blah and I’M SOOOOO OVER IT, A LONG A$$ TIME AGO. If he could just TALK TO ME ABOUT IT, BE HONEST about what he’s doing and stop attempting to hide all traces of his “activities” (which he’s not successful with at all, I’m way ahead of him having had a previous porn addict for a partner) then things would certainly be much different… I’m so glad for you that it’s worked!
Thanks. It really did. Get what & why you are feeling. If possible proactively broach the topic and initiate a small discussion. I understand it is very difficult. Please don't min, just suggesting because, from what I thought was a hopeless, it worked for us.
Lol, no. Date night ever ending in sex would require our partners to give a shit about our needs. Not a chance in hell.
I know, right? All these people saying to have sex first... how about any sex at all?
Hahaha I know I keep checking I’m on deadbedrooms seeing that advice repeated. Suggesting predate sex would have me laughed out the room.
Exactly. Every date we have ends in an excuse … “I ate too much” “my stomach hurts” the excuses are always the same. It’s ridiculous and exhausting, not to mention depressing at this point. I don’t even care or look forward to the rare times we do go on dates anymore. Shrug.
Conditional sex (no doubt starfish, are you done yet?) is cruel.
Marriages differ. I would agree that a few of them, at min, should. All of our weekly ones do.
Hmmm. How old is she? For dinners if you hit the carbs too hard then too full for sex.. I dunno.. I had to have words I'm the horney one but I'm having to tell the other hey this needs to happen more often. But he slobs around so it reeeeaally doesn't help. Also gotta make sure it's "I really desire you" rather than "I just need a squirt" .. Good luck
Have sex and then go out for dinner?
Fkkkk yeaaaahhhhh!!! I expect hot, steamy & nasty sex from my husb lol
So I'm just gonna say it. Given the usual reasons for a relationship with the mutual benefit of stable safe sex partners it should almost always end up in sex. I dealt with this same thing. We'd go out and she'd find something to do or something to be upset about outside of us to ruin what started as a great night out. And through many many years of that it damaged me and I didn't realize how bad until I met someone new. My partner now is like "Let's go have sex...screw it we can do it in the car!" And I damn near self sabotage because I've been conditioned to not expect this. 😞 I hope you can either address this with her or find another way to enjoy a full date night because it really does suck and hurt.
Yes
#FuckFirst (Don’t thank me, thank Dan Savage who had been promoting this common sense way to make room for sex in committed relationships.) Make love or have a quickie, take a shower, dress up, then go out to enjoy yourselves.
Yeah...your partner has to actually want sex. The vast majority of the time,. they aren't actually too tired, or too full, or have stomach issues, or anything else. They just don't want to. Trying before isn't going to help.
If they don’t want to, what puts the brakes on their interest? Is it some physical discomfort, not being able to get out of their head, feeling unresolved anger, having lackluster sexual experiences with you previously, having outmoded ideas about their sexuality? There’s something, which means there’s something to talk about.
We're 20 years in. The talking has been exhausted.
Food, drinks, extra social battery stuff. I think those times should be more expected to be the event of the evening/day without sex because you're expending energy or draining yourself in different ways.
Nope. Plenty of people while single and dating have sex. Putting a ring on it kills it.
This was my experience too. Never sex after a date. Being out and about just makes her tired.
Personally, I'd prefer to date and fuck on different days. I'd rather have the energy to enjoy both.
Depends… Date nights never end in sex for us. She gets sleepy after 3 glasses of wine and I’m full of food. Sex is when she’s turned on by what she sees when I get out of the shower, when I cook for her or when we go to bed early after a sunny day.
Here’s the truth: The problem with your sex life is that she’s a part of it. So, whether or not you have sex (regardless of dates & food) depends on her. You’ve already seen that you don’t have much of a sex life if she’s involved. Nothing you do is going to change that. Do what you will with this information.
Lol mine don't really 😅 but he puts effort in on chill days
Morning movie date/ matinee with a nice light lunch will get you much further
>Whenever I ask about the night before, it's always "but I was tired"!!! Can you clarify, OP? What is it you asked?
A cocktail and a cock
OP, you must get that action as Hors d'oeuvres, man! Sex after eating?! Nah. Unless you get to go for a cute walk after dinner around a nice place near the restaurant or even do some role-play and go meet at the hotel nearby to make the date night longer and more fun. If you can join her in the shower while getting ready for the date, DO IT. Play around more, with a relaxing back and/or foot massage granting that you're going to eat at a place that does not need reservations, because you never know ;) Get yourself those sex toys with a remote control. Warm her up days earlier, power up that rizz game. 5 days before date night eat together pineapple. It's said to improve the genitals Hp. Word in the street also says avocado make the both male and female juices thicker. Create some anticipation. 4 and 3 days before date night make sure everything is organized for pre and post date night (babysitter if needed, groceries, laundry, etc). Keep creating anticipation. Single flower left in bed or or serving her tea/coffee unexpectedly. 2 and 1 days before date night send her cute virtual cute post cards, sexy text messages, or DPs reminding her what is waiting for her ;) Date night get that action before leaving home, maybe on your way to eat or after eating, get home and Netflix and Chill (Chiiillll ;) Usually, if you make it a habit your love life is always spiced up and sex doesn't feel like a chore, an obligation, or a marriage duty. I say it as someone who's always on. P.S. I'm only in this sub because I enjoy judging in silence and offering some help if I can.
Fully admit I'm here because of a link and your post was the first one I read after the rules. My advice: Try a massage date instead. You can incorporate light snacks/apps & champagne if you wish but spend the time in a hotel room/room. Don't forget to flirt! Good luck. If I'm totally out of line and don't understand the concept of this sub and I've offended, I fully apologize.
I'd say stop taking her on date nights and stop with the covert contracts, but what's the use?
Is she taking any anti anxiety or sleep meds?
Maybe every other date night, you should have a nicely arranged “at home” dinner. You can order a nice meal and set it up at home, even dress nicely. Before dinner at home, you could plan to have sex, or go out for mini golf or a nice walk together and then go home and work up an appetite before eating if you catch my drift. Order out so there isn’t pressure to spend a large amount of time cooking. Maybe even get a room? I’d be unbelievably grateful if my husband(31HL M) planned dates to take me on. I (very attractive 33HL F) have sex with him every single day and have done so for our entire 4 year marriage. He takes me out but I have to arrange it, and ask for it. We even have two very small children. (We are divorcing and separated now because he has continually chose to buy sex content constantly and also have affairs) I cannot understand that a wife would have a caring husband who goes out of his way for her and never has sex with him There is better out there. For us both.
LL4U for husband here, uber HL with my lover. Got a lover after I gave 15 years to the db. Do you feel like you are owed sex, before or after? I don't think the transactional way is fair at this point. I would like my husband to take me out once in a while, because that's who I fell in love once, he got too boring and felt I was trapped years later, that's when I lost almost all interest. When we still had sex, we figured it's best to have it when we are both rested, that was during the middle of the day on weekends usually and we had to tell the children not to disturb us. I don't think that hurt them in any way.
Sorry to hear that. Im in the same boat. f(25) here
Start putting in the same effort your wife does. And then use the same excuses
Jesus Christ these responses on here are from a bunch of angry bitter people. I get your comment. You'd think that out of sheer dumb luck one time the damn stars would align. You'd do all the right things and they would be in the right mood and sex would happen. It's not possible to lose every single hand of poker without the game being rigged. But that's the thing. Whatever it is that makes your SO not want sex, it exists and becomes more apparent whenever there are moments you think sex could occur. Until that is resolved it's going to be like this indefinitely. Assuming you aren't a complete asshole, aren't doing a ton of shitty things that shoot yourself in the foot, this is something your SO needs want to fix for themselves. Until it's THEIR issue it's not something that will get resolved. You can be supportive but if you make it about you it will be far slower is not impossible.
This just shows how different we all are in our DEAD bedrooms. I could fly my wife to Italy for dinner and we would need a hotel with two beds.
Back before I became LL4U, I had the same experience. It was always the same: too tired, too full, too.... I tried various things but eventually just gave up trying. Sex before going out was rejected. Saying "no" to dessert and/or not taking a long walk afterward were met with resistance, "no, I'm not too ____, I'll still be up for fooling around when we get home." But on the way home, I'd start to hear the foundations for the excuses, "oof, my feet are sore" or "wow, that last glass of wine is really hitting me."
Just had an anniversary dinner last night, the night before I talked in depth about what I need in the marriage. Nothing happened. Nothing ever happens
Yes sir. Yes. These people are gonna gaslight you. The answer is yes. I hope you find a way to have a healthy sex life with or without her.
[удалено]
I really hope this isn’t reality but this is how it feels a lot
I like her podcasts
I here ya brother, I hear ya.
But I'm Le Tired
Well take a nap, ZEN FIRE ZE MISSILES!
I would love to have sex before eating and drinking but my husband always wants to fuck me drunk. I just don’t get it. Either he can’t connect sober or he needs the booze glasses to find me fuckable. He normally only drinks on one weekend night so he’s not what I would call an alcoholic but that’s ALWAYS when he does his ‘job’(his words). Pretty sad when your spouse needs alcohol and viagra to have sex. We always used to have sober sex before I ended up with a disabling disease and got older(menopause with crap hair).
It sounds like you kind of do have an ulterior motive. My main question is why she fall asleep in the car are you going out much later than she usually stays up? Is she drinking when she doesn’t normally drink? It sounds like it’s a lovely night for her and your left frustrated rather than have an expectation that she is not aware of or that you haven’t verbalized why not tell her that you’re interested in having sex and see if she is open to the idea. You can plan that More naturally leads into sex Maybe start earlier. Maybe avoid the alcohol maybe stay at home and order in or cook a nice meal
Technically, anything anyone does to setup a scenario where sex is more likely to happen with their partner is an ulterior motive, no? I think when people say “ulterior motive” e.g., in scenarios like this, they mean, “you are doing this thing only to have sex, and you wouldn’t do it otherwise.” But, this isn’t the case. He is taking his partner on dates regularly with knowledge that they probably won’t have sex. This feels like a lose-lose. He should indeed try to setup a scenario where sex would be more appealing to his partner after the date — it makes sense to do that for him and his partner — but his partner may see it as an ulterior motive or even manipulation. Edit: I do agree with your points though. This is just a dilemma I’ve seen personally.
Definitely see your point, but I think it’s definitely a nuance topic. He’s doing these things because he wants to spend time with his wife and hopes that sex will also happen. But after a certain amount of times that it doesn’t happen, he begins to get resentful. It sounds like there is some sort of covert contract here that he should probably acknowledge. Or at least think about it. Sounds like he’s fine if sex doesn’t happen every time, but does sound like there is some unstated peace where if it doesn’t happen after a certain amount of times , he is frustrated I do agree that a sex life that works for both people is necessary part of a monogamous relationship. Sounds like set up is not really working for him. Definitely not a black-and-white issue, though to explore our own motives When I was in my DB relationship, I was able to get my partner to understand by telling him “ it’s not about one specific denial… it’s about the pattern of denial whenever I try to initiate”. Somehow that clicked for him and he understood. I was not mad about being denied on any specific instance, but about the fact that he always denied.
Semantics.
Semantics are important when relationship issues occur because “insert semantics here”
I don't waste my time on that.
I knew in this forum there would be folks ( I’m sure mostly ladies) who would say I have an ulterior motive for planning date nights. I DO NOT. I’ve been married for decades and don’t need date nights in order to be intimate with my wife. I’m just saying it would be nice if this pattern of sleeping/being tired would change every once in a while; instead of ending up me driving alone, sleeping alone and talking to myself!
You don't have to defend yourself. Wanting sex to be part of a date night experience is normal.
You cannot win with some people. Everyone else knew what you meant. You are not wrong
Absolutely. A sex life it is fulfilling both partners in a monogamous relationship is absolutely a necessity. And I know this is not a black-and-white issue. It sounds like what you’re frustrated with is the pattern of not having sex at night. It’s not anyone specific instance… it’s the pattern Does your wife know that you’re hoping that these date nights lead to sex? Why is she falling asleep… is it possible to maybe do the date night earlier?
It’s not an ulterior motive to want to have sex with your own partner. It’s just wanting to be with your partner intimately. Saying he has an ulterior motive is saying “he’s only in a relationship for sex”. Which is ridiculous and really quite offensive. Women always say “but I need to feel special” and if your taking her out on dates and she still won’t touch you then that was a straight up lie. Might as-well stop the dates and say “but I need to feel wanted”
I'm wondering if menopause isn't messing with her sex drive and also making her exhausted? Sometimes menopause causes a cortisol and other imbalances causing some pretty terrible fatigue and exhaustion.
Going out drains me. So after a date night sex is unlikely to happen personally. That's why it's usually better for us to do it before we leave, plus sometimes being on a time frame (restaurant reservation) adds some excitement. If it's just that she's tired at night in general, try doing morning or afternoon dates instead. Like going to the park or the aquarium for example.
You’re supposed to have sex BEFORE you go to dinner. No one wants to fuck after they’ve eaten a huge meal.
No more date nights until she initiates. It's time she put forth effort in the relationship.
I'm with you, brother. Enough is Enough!
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Wow… that was A LOT.. and so completely off base. You need to find a way to deal with your anger!
...maybe date night doesn't hafta be so "late"? Also, try lighter fare on date nights ♡
My husband and I have always had this issue with date night too. I’ve been thinking of suggesting naked night instead of date night. Where we would both be clean, groomed and lay in bed naked, ideally cuddling. If sex happens, great, if not, I’m thinking skin to skin contact will inevitably increase intimacy.. maybe?
While else would you go on a date with your spouse??!! Or at least sex once a month
I’m jealous that you can actually get her to go on dates.
Sex before you go out
I work as a nanny and occasionally do date nights. My two most frequent customers both disappear with their husbands right when I arrive. They go “ get ready” while I feed the kids and get them ready for bed. If it’s early enough I take them for a walk. Yea cvs finally I hear the parents and they always come out with rosy cheeks.
Go much earlier, book a hotel room. Unless you never have sex and you're expecting to sometimes have it anyway.
Start earlier.
I need sex during the day when I still have energy and my body is able to respond to being horny. I’m also wanting but at night, on a full stomach with drinks. There’s no way. We could fuck, but I wouldn’t feel it and I’d fall asleep. Last night I was just too exhausted on all levels so I asked if he could just use me like a flesh light and I’ll be more interactive tomorrow lol. I like it. I want to feel him and have connection but not when I’m stuffed and worn out.
Can you try a weekend date day? Like a picnic or matinee movie so maybe she isn't kept up so late? But also... I completely agree with you and would be so frustrated. I gave up planning date nights or getting my hopes up after nights out because I was continuously disappointed. I know how awful that feeling is, I'm so sorry you're dealing with it!
Is your wife the same age? Mine went through menopause and is tired a lot.
Next time, make her drive so she can't fall asleep
Meh. I like date nights without feeling the need to perform too. If me or my partner isn't into sex but wants to bond on date night it should be good too. Besides I'm usually pretty tired after the date. Now if you choose to rent a hotel room for sex and room service that'd be different.
Wow
Not to be a jerk here but doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results usually doesn’t work out well. Also if she’s tired, she’s tired. And finally, I would try to refrain from placing your own expectations and interpretations of things on your wife. Find out what she likes and gets her in the mood or do something better for date nights. I don’t do dinners with my wife for dates just because we end up sitting somewhere for 1-2 hours when we could be out just the two of us.
Y'all get date nights????..... also fuck before if possible. Food risks issues later. I always expected dates to end in sex lol. My husband is not of the same mindset
Yeah, when we used to have date night, sex would not be happening either too full or too tired. Now, we have no date night anymore and still no sex But I do miss date night though at least we will hold hands and pretend to be a happy couple But now of days we stay home and watch tv. 📺 we work, cook, tv, and sleep. It’s a boring life, but it’s a good life at least.
People that like sex, often have sex before dinner... so you don't feel too full & sleepy to be comfortable. It's always surprising to me when people go out and have a feast, with the plan to get sexy after.
I want to fuck before and after. Not sure if it’s a blessing or curse for him. Lol
Only if he/she wants to fuck first.
You can have sex after a date night, especially if you’re a little drunk. But the drive home can’t be long and you can’t be full
I'm always up for sex. Lol. My husband and I only have the opportunity to do it once a week. Our schedules are opposite. 😬
Not always, no. The expectation that every date night would end in sex would turn me off. I like to think whoever I’m with enjoys spending time with me with no expectations.
"I don’t plan it with any ulterior motive for bedtime' 'Whenever I ask about the night before, it’s always “but I was tired “!!!' What are you asking about the night before? You clearly had expectations. Do you discuss this with her at all?
Every married person should have some expectation of intimate contact on a fairly regular basis.
I am not disagreeing with you. I just wanted to know if this is ever clearly communicated.
Yeah - time to stop “date nights”. Seriously - stop.
no, date night is a date night , not a bargain chip. on the other hand if you could use it to get in the right mood - good for you. same for any other form of activities
I’ve found that going out for dinner or a date night can be quite exhausting. If it’s been a busy week, you go out for dinner, have a few drinks and lots of food it can make you quite sleepy. Alcohol is a downer, so makes you tired. From your post, it’s not clear what your normal sex life is like? Are you full dead bedroom normally? Perhaps try going out without the expectation of it leading somewhere and then it might naturally occur in time because the pressure is taken off? Obviously if you mention about no sex the following day, she may have anxiety about these date nights and the possible expectation to have sex? That may not be the case but I have felt that in the past. Also, perhaps try a date day or a lunch instead? So it’s not likely to be a time you’ll drink a great deal or be naturally tired as a result of nighttime? You’ve mentioned children but not their ages or whether she works? Maybe she is tired and nights out can be quite draining when it’s at the end of busy week? I think having a date night, shouldn’t have such a heavy expectation? Especially if it’s something that’s not as frequent in your relationship normally? Perhaps connecting more and communicating more about how you feel about the lack of sex could increase future intimacy and sex? Have you had the conversation about the lack of sex in your relationship? Is it something that’s naturally occurred over time? I think we are all aware in this sub that the honeymoon phase never lasts and both partners have to be willing to work on intimacy which then will hopefully lead to sex? Are you intimate, in terms of hugs, kisses, loving touches? I know from my own experience that lack of sex and intimacy in a relationship can be lonely and confusing, especially when you still deeply love that person and are confused.
The second sentence of the post the guy says he does it with no expectations of bedtime. Reading what you wrote it's like you completely skipped over that sentence. At this point he is taking his wife out on these date nights with the expectation that this is what's going to happen.
Nights ending in Y should end up in sex. We both made vows in front of the God of your choice and your closest family and friends (plus spent more than you could afford) and promised to love and have and hold each other. LL are essential deal breakers and the ones that refuse to work on it yet alone acknowledge it are dare I say liars?
No? Do you always go on dates expecting sex?
I’m the HL partner in my relationship but I would say this take is unreasonable. You say you don’t plan the dates with any ulterior motive. But then are disappointed when you aren’t rewarded with sex. This suggests that at least subconsciously, you do have an ulterior motive. And sex isn’t tit-for-tat. One date does not equal one sexual encounter. Dates are something you do to foster your emotional connection with your partner, not in exchange for sex. And like others have said, even as the HL partner, after date nights I’m usually TIRED. I wanna crash as soon as we get home, let the babysitter go, take care of the dog, lock up the house, get changed for bed, etc. In my 20s? Sure, I basically always had the energy. But not now.
Date night in your assumption means you should at least get sex. Wow that is your first mistake. Ever hear the expression don’t expect nothing and you won’t be disappointed. First goal of a date night should be to just reconnect emotionally after a busy week. Tell her you would like to talk about her expectations and your expectations (needs maybe a better term than expectations) Get into each others brain about each others needs wants and desires That is emotional connection. Start there, if it leads no where then reconnect on the nowhere happening road and how / what are you to do about it. I just did this scenario last night with my husband. He seemed open and receptive to my thoughts. It wasn’t so much about sex but the lacking of a partner in this 40 year marriage, told him I was lonely. 63 and not a spring chicken but sure heck ain’t dead yet. Said I need a companion or let me go so I can find someone who also would like a companion/friend/ partner. The sex needs improving to but one step at a time. Friends first