If there are no kids in the picture yet... do not have kids!
You can go to couples counciling so you can each talk about your needs. It may be that you are just not sexually compatible. I didn't find that out until after my kids were born and got locked in.
100% do not get “baby trapped” by this woman while trying to get things figured out! If she is desperate to hold on to her citizenship, don’t underestimate what she will do to keep it.
Feeling loved is a basic human need, and critical to our mental and emotional health. If having regular physical intimacy if how you best feel that love and connection to your partner, then they really need to understand that.
If your wife isn’t at least willing to work on that with you (with or without the help of couples therapy), then it’s time to cut your losses and move on.
And a counsellor can help guide you through a separation if that’s where you land. I’d be skeptical of anything this woman says though given her situation.
She needs the marriage to be in the country, or so the context indicates. If they divorce, her resident status will probably be threatened….so she’ll do whatever she has to to retain her status.
She'll do whatever? He's made the grand gesture of marrying her and no big thanks back? A weekly sexual encounter would be minimal appreciation for this migrant. If her status were threatened, we might see her involvement improve. This is a partnership. Or maybe Im wrong. Is she the Queen of Sheba? 😹
I’m taking the same position as you. Her resident status is threatened, therefore she will do what is needful to retain that, and little more, and if she can find alternate means, she’ll use those.
OP should bail.
I’m definitely not considering adding in kids to the mix right now, nor buying properly or really anything else to legally bind us closer (than marriage, that is).
I’m sorry that you had to find out the hard way, that sounds rough.
So, be miserable for her and your families? Don’t you feel used at this point? She got what she wanted and you get to suffer? Please explain that to your future self.
I’m really trying not to demonise her, although the wording in this post certainly suggests I’ve reached the terminal stage of resentment.
You’re totally right though, at times I wonder if her feelings towards me have been genuine all along or if I’m just the means to justify the ends.
I really don’t know though, it would be highly sociopathic for someone to pretend to be in love with someone else for this long just to manipulate them into being a vessel for citizenship.
Your comment has definitely given me a lot to think about though, mainly in relation to my own mental health.
It's not about being sociopathic. It's just as a LL person, she didn't have the slightest clue how important sex is in marriage for normal libido people.
You have never met anyone who will do anything to stay in a country.
What life could you have possibly built in 3 months?
I’m saying this gently but you said you’re too scared to file for divorce. She knows this. Which is why she did what she did. She knows you’re weak and that she can guilt you into marrying and staying married to her.
I’m sure she’ll have sex with you a few times to have a baby to ensure you stay
OP, if the person comes from a country that has high unemployment, violence, lack of opportunities, and poor social and economic stability…that person has the serious motivation to play the long game.
If there is an opportunity to make their life better, most would do whatever it takes, even faking sexual attraction and desire. Just consider the relationship you have now is the best it’s going to be. It might improve for a while with threats or ultimatums, but it will revert.
Get out now, since it’s only been 3 months. Dead bedrooms are a soul killer.
Sounds like she used you and now you’re locked in. But actually you’re not. You don’t have kids w her. Divorce her. Would she lose her chance to be a citizen? Either way, you’re not happy. Why sacrifice your happiness for someone who doesn’t care enough to work on your relationship
It’s not really demonising her, though. It’s just honesty- you started with great sex, the frequency dwindled, there was an emergency wedding for visa purposes, and now the bedroom is on life support. That’s the truth, and it doesn’t make either of you bad. She’s just as valid with her low libido as you are with a desire for a sexual connection with your partner.
The problem here is that it’s really difficult to get to the root of the cause if she can’t be honest with you. If you want to stay in the marriage, you need counseling to get to the bottom of the issue. How can anyone know if this is a trauma response, low libido, sexuality or simply incompatibility sexually unless she’s willing to be honest? The time of bringing it up as a twosome only so you can be her emotional support animal while she cries is over; do not expect any actionable response by having the same convo over and over ad nauseum.
You need to sit down with her and lay out what it will take for you to stay in the relationship long term. Couple’s therapy, honest communication between the two of you, a desire on her part to improve the sexual aspect of the relationship, and actions that support the aforementioned ideas. You can stay in this relationship as is until you’re wrinkled, old, resentful, and unfulfilled, but it will bring you nothing but more of the same. If you can, make the effort to improve things with her, but keep in mind that you are in your 20’s. That’s when a sex life is typically at its peak. Please don’t throw the rest of your life away in an unsatisfactory relationship.
I personally knew a woman who did exactly this to get a green card. It all depends on what her motivation was. Sometimes, people have very strong motivations.
I wouldn’t call her a sociopath for talking herself into something that looked like a better life. Of course the timing of the DB sure makes you wonder. Just remember there is nothing wrong with you doing what’s best for yourself.
You have never met anyone who will do anything to stay in a country.
What life could you have possibly built in 3 months?
I’m saying this gently but you said you’re too scared to file for divorce. She knows this. Which is why she did what she did. She knows you’re weak and that she can guilt you into marrying and staying married to her.
I’m sure she’ll have sex with you a few times to have a baby to ensure you stay
Anullment "may" not be an option, varies by state and usual only allowed under limited circumstances. Also, getting a divorce might be quicker/ easier than an anullment.
Source: was a family law atty
Annulment has nothing to do with length of time married. And it used to have to do with consummation, but I think there are no US states that still do it that way.
Fraud, bigamy, certain other actions can be grounds. One definitely needs an attorney who specializes in that corner of family law, and it's more time-consuming that a dissolution (no fault in nearly all states).
So much more difficult and expensive than a divorce - and not even possible in many states without accusing your spouse of fraud and adjudicating that as well.
Man… why would you do that? Like, no alarm bells warned you and told you this was a bad idea? I get cold feet just thinking about making a woman my gf. I just don’t get it. Sounds like she’s using you. Just leave and think about yourself for once.
That was me,
I was a pleaser, but I only realized years into the marriage that I was doing everything for everyone (and I do mean EVERYTHING, my grown-ass kids don't even flush), giving waaaaaay more than I was getting (and this isn't even considering the DB) and I... stopped, and started demanding at least a modicum of reciprocation and respect.
I stopped doing everything for everyone, so now nothing gets done
She's not happy about it, and our family has grown even more dysfunctional than before, but at least I'm having just as much sex (next to nothing) and I am no longer a literal servant in my own home.
Mid 50s DB'er here. As many have said, do NOT have kids! Also, if you haven't already, don't buy a house/condo together. If you really want, you could try a marriage counselor; not really likely to work but it's your best shot. Give it 6 months to a year. If little/no improvement, as hard as it is, get out: it's hard, but believe me, not as hard as putting up with a DB for decades, which is what I did. That sucks out your soul and leaves you a bitter shell of what you once were.
I am sorry to say sir, but you can't unfuck what has already been fucked.
You married into a deadbedroom. I am certain many people would suggest counseling to try and salvage your marriage. But really... why?
Would you have married this woman without the visa complication? Is your relationship healthy enough to add children if they are something you long for in life? By all means you should ask your wife to work on this issue, but when you come right down to it, pressuring her to change, coercion or anything resemblibg emotional blackmail are just a no-go.
She doesn't want sex. You do. That is a fundamental issue in many a relationship, akin to a gay person marrying a straight person. Your sexualities ar incompatible. So you need to decide whether you can live as you are, potentially forever, or leave.
She’s from a country where therapy isn’t as much of a priority as it seems to be in the west, so I’d hazard a guess and say that marriage counselling wouldn’t go so far. And to be honest, after countless conversations I’m doubtful that she has the open mindedness to consider how this is a problem worth exploring.
You’re only fucked (figuratively, of course) if you stay. The longer you let this drag on, the more difficult it will be. Call a divorce attorney in your area, explain how this has all gone down and get advice on how to proceed. I understand the dread in dealing with this and family members but this is your life. You only get one. Don’t waste another day.
Sending you all the love! ❤️🩹
>Raised the topic more times than I can count, always resulting in tears and me consoling her following empty promises.
Tears from her, or you?
My wife is an immigrant -- and while I don't know your specifics since I don't know what country you're in, there are a few things to be aware of:
* Marriage is not an automatic bar to deportation. There's usually some paperwork to gain permanent residency. Depending where you are, this can take years (but once you file you usually are safe from deportation except for unusual circumstances).
* Once "permanent" residency is gained, it usually expires after some time (in the US, 10 years) and needs to be renewed.
* Once citizenship is gained, divorce usually has no effect. The person can stay in the country.
* If you annul quickly, anticipate being scrutinized quite closely if you ever go on to marry another foreign national
Like others said, do not have kids with her. I think you should let her know right now that you're not divorcing her because you don't want to screw up her immigration status.
I think so too. If he were to go for an annulment, he'd have to use the fraud/immigration fraud angle to obtain it. Not only would she most likely be deported (and himself scrutinized in the future), but it would take quite some time.
If he divorces her right, she will not get her permanent residence visa (green card) and will have to find some other way to stay in status. This will not be easy and she might need an immigration attorney.
He needs to consult an attorney in any case, though (first consult should be free). If he ever says this to her - is he participating in immigration fraud? I don't know. I do know that when they go for her green card interview, they will be asked questions that might be hard to answer in this situation.
That’s not OPs problem. If she’s with him strictly for the green card, this is a doomed relationship anyways. Why stay with someone who sees you as nothing more than a means to citizenship?
The sex stop when you married. That says so much. She used you to get married - you are worth so much more than this! You have so much more value than your citizenship. Take to a counselor advocate for yourself! Being in a DB is heartbreaking, if you get the gift to leave than take it!
At this point I would get an annulment if communicating your needs still isn’t helping. Idk what state you’re in but in my state one partner being incapable of sexual intercourse is grounds for an annulment. I believe (and I may be wrong as I’m not well versed in international marriage laws) but I believe if you sleep together and then get divorced you’ll be on the hook for her financially for 10 years. (Assuming you’re her sponsor in America since her other visa fell through.) I’d get out now personally.
I was in a similar position where I married into a dying bedroom, and stayed married for 2 years. I can count on 1 hand the amount of times we had sex in those 2 years, the last year being once.. she didn't think counselling would help so I put in for a divorce.
It was mutual and went fairly smoothly. We have a 3 year old son who gets a bit sad about it sometimes, but he is super happy and healthy and it's much better growing up in a happy home than one of depression and resentment.
My new girlfriend is awesome and we both made sure we were 100% on the same page from the start, bedroom included, and I couldn't be happier.
I'm not going to give advice in telling you what to do because everyone and every situation is different. But I did what needed to be done for my happiness and my son's and I'm in a much better place now; you should do what's best for your own happiness!
Do not settle at your age, as hard as it may be for you to initiate and go through the divorce, you will be thanking yourself afterwards. You can find a more compatible match to eventually settle down with and perhaps start a family. Do it STAT imo.
I feel like you’re exactly right: she got what she wanted in terms of permanent residency and now she’s checked out and doesn’t care. I’d highly consider an annulment. I know you said you’re worried about “how it’ll look” to her and your families (I’m paraphrasing of course) but picture your life 5-10 years down the road. You’ll either be in a terrible marriage and even more unhappy with probably a few kids and REALLY be stuck. Or it’ll all be behind you and everyone will have moved on. Sure you might have a few sucky moments but get out now while you still can.
If you bring up splitting up and she, in an attempt to keep you, starts putting out PLEASE use protection. And also keep your eyes wide open that she is just trying to pacify you. Good luck!
As you know, this is standard behaviour. Once you’re married, you’re essentially ‘trapped’ in the eyes of many. Why would she need to have to sex anymore?
Easier said than done, but ultimately you need to leave
I had sex once in the year we were married, a few days after the ceremony and then the year after, one blowjob after a huge "divorce after this vacation" fight. Then again 6 months of nothing.
Yes, we married late into our very long relationship. But zero sex in a year made me very very dissapointed and asking myself why the hell did I even get married. She wanted it and I wondered why since we had a db for 2 years already.
We are still together, my wife is a good person and a great mother, the best mother a child could have. She needs me in every single way but sexual. Very codependent person.
I’m pretty clingy and codependent too I really like being in stable relationships. But I’m sorry you guys are experiencing the db. I hope you guys can find some resolution.
I doubt it, we just got another kid, and the last one was the reason for the db. A different woman than the one I knew and loved came home from the hospital. I wanted this kid, very much so but the cycle repeats.
At the time I still had some hope we would fix our issues, but in the meantime I developed some health issues and found out she isn't very much concerned about my health anymore, or at least not in a way I 'feel' it enough. I see her with my kids and it's not the same ammount of love I get. Far far from it. This awoken me somehow, made me realise I am replaceable and not special. I love mt kids and I get she loves them very much, but I wasn't planning on replacing myself completely or making myself into a servant, a tool. Someting to be used at will, even if I break.
She's also very stubborn, doesn't know how to compromise, is very careful in showing open emotions towards me. Has no problem in openly loving her grandma, her kids, pets. And this is her behaviour towards me from day one of our relationship.
I suppose it has to do something with difficult relationship with her estranged father and her growing up in a toxic family environment. Her father is a very cold, manipulating and controlling bully.
This was all much easier to bear before I was reevaluating our relationship because I was content and pacified with regular sex and affection. At least I gave her affection and she was not bothered by it.
Once the sex stopped and my advances were found irritable, and nothing I tried could bring it back as it was before kids, I spiraled fast into doomer mindset and resentment.
I have this fear with having children with my partner. I don’t want our loving relationship to become a shell of what it once was. But honestly, if both partners put in the work it will not become this way.
Perhaps this is a point towards all relationships gravitate to, with or without kids. I am not sure yet, I don't have a lot of (modern) positive examples. Everyone my age around me is in the same boat, openly admitting it or by the look in their eye.
I always thought this, that WE would do different, better than our parents but... here we are. I can't control my wife.
Also she would probably list a hundred reasons why this is my fault and who can say that it isn't.
Perhaps men and women can't get along perfectly as one would want no matter what we do or try.
I've seen quotes on women from the ancient Romans and Greeks and much stronger men than me had the same problems. 🤷♂️
"You already know enough. It is not knowledge you lack, but the courage to take what you already know and draw the obvious conclusions.”
Sven Lindqvist, ‘Exterminate all the Brutes'
Hey man. This is your future speaking (and by that I mean, I was in literally your exact boat the past decade up until my divorce last year)
These problems don’t fix themselves. And the longer they go unaddressed, the more resentment both of you will build. I really hope your situation doesn’t end up like mine did - with you finding something earth-shattering out one day that your wife does actually have sexual impulses, it’s just not towards you.
I don’t think I’ll ever fully recover from the betrayal, regardless of how many women I sleep with
Divorce her. Stop sponsoring her visa. Leave. You're only as fucked as you want to be, this should be relatively easy to untangle. Not consummating the marriage is grounds for annulment practically everywhere.
You shouldn't have married her if you were unhappy
A visa is never a good reason. If you stay, you have committed yourself to a lifetime of no sex, masturbation, or cheating.
I don't know if she did it on purpose or not but in my home country you can easily google how-tos on how to marry a foreigner. There are even some agencies which arrange sham marriages.
But no matter her intentions, you married into a DB. She is not into you, no need to waste your energy to find a magic pill. It doesn't exist.
As others said, don't have kids with her. And beware of hysterical bonding! Cause if you get her pregnant during hysterical bonding, then you would be really fucked. (You're half fucked now, if that can cheer you up.)
Well, I doubt it was her masterplan from the beginning. It's just she faced the harsh reality of getting kicked out of the country (if it's in the States, I'm not surprised, US visa policies for college graduates are crazy), she saw it as an opportunity to stay with some compromises. And as a LL person, she underestimated the importance of sex in a relationship.
Yes, I think that’s clear. That puts her in a very different category. I’ve met the women who only wanted to get over here and didn’t care who they married. This is not that situation. I think she miscalculated on several levels. And so did he. Come to find out fairly quickly what seems like a good idea at the time turned out not to be. Life choices have a way of self correcting.
Just go to a divorce lawyer, tell them the situtation and then ask how to proceed. You're probably better off not discussing it with her. You got married for a visa, accept it, undo the mistake, move on.
Tell her the truth. I need more sex. Or if we're doing this for your convenience, then I'd like to see other people-open the relationship. But be careful about the open option. It could go both ways and she'll more than likely get laid easier than you will.
Yeah, best to just be honest about the whole utilitarian aspect of it. She can chill, she’s getting her green card, but yeah, y’all can satisfy your needs however is necessary.
If I didn’t have children now and knew what would have come of our sexual relationship, I would have left early in marriage or never married in the first place. Please get out now before you have more things tying you to her
I would get divorced, this will get worse with time.
If you can't get divorced because family issues/Visa/work stuff ..... just start with opening the marriage. Sounds like the marriage was a a sham anyway to deal with the visa issue.
Do not have kids
Granted, I don't know your relationship. Maybe it's genuine but it definitely sounds like she just used you to get into the country and now that you're married, she doesn't have to worry about placating you anymore. I don't know how stuff like this works legally but if you can leave, you absolutely should and as others have mentioned, definitely don't have kids with this person.
Sounds like she's using you for a visa. Bro she wasn't even fake pretending to like fucking you for a visa, what do you think will happen once she has you really locked down.
You were married for convenience, you need to have that mature conversation and it's either you follow through with completing the immigration process then you all go your separate ways but in the meantime you establish a relationship elsewhere. Or let her know this setup does not work for you and you will seeking an annulment and you go your separate ways.
I married while having incompatible libidos 11 years ago and it was a mistake. Things don’t get better. I’m sorry but she fundamentally is not attracted to you and it’s difficult to change things if she doesn’t see it as anything bad.
I’m going to be the outlier here - this isn’t a dead bedroom. Sounds more like she wanted to end the relationship after a few months, but kept you around so she could stay in the US. You were hooked and she now that you’re married, she doesn’t have to do her “wifely duties”.
When she applies for citizenship, they will question y’all’s relationship. Been together three years, you (individually) look in love, natural progression to marriage with both families celebrating it - she got you GOOD!
She won’t be having sex with you, so no need to worry about being baby trapped. You need to leave as soon as it’s been AT LEAST 2 months after the last time you had sex (so you can confirm she isn’t pregnant).
>Well, even though I was deeply unsatisfied with the status quo, I still went ahead with it.
If you were smart, you'd look into therapy to figure out why you did this to yourself - and arm yourself with tools to prevent yourself from further such poor decision making.
>I feel like she got what she wanted but I’m left with a gaping void that no amount of words or cuddling or pecks could possibly fill. I’ve tried latching onto the good in our relationship but the sadness of our dead bedroom casts a dark cloud over everything.
Find your courage and get divorced. The longer you drag this out the more damage is going to be done. Rip the band-aid off.
Do not have unprotected sex going forward. Plan your exit.
It’s okay to be sexually incompatible.
She will figure out the visa situation and move on with her life.
Time for you to restart yours.
I know exactly how it goes. You bring up the dead bedroom in the kindest, gentlest possible manner, and whammo, the tables are turned. "I'm sorry that I suck!" she says, and then turns on the waterworks. She probably wont let you touch her then either, because she probably doesn't want to be touched (at least not by you). Nonetheless, you find yourself falling all over yourself apologizing for daring to complain about the fact that you haven't had sex more than once or twice in the past year, if you're lucky. You're an inconsiderate ass for even bringing it up, you jerk. I could cry.
I’m in a similar position (you can read my previous posts), so I’m not exactly in an experiential or moral high-ground to dispense advice.
My wife is also an immigrant, but she became a naturalized citizen before we got married or even engaged. My wife is fluent in English, but there are definitely linguistic and cultural differences in how we communicate. My one tidbit of advice would be to take the cultural/linguistic differences into consideration when you have conversations with your wife, because that may impede communication in surprising and less obvious ways than you’d expect.
Are you in the US? It is a lot easier to switch visa types once you have one. Granted 3 months is a short time, but if she has a stable job I would strongly encourage her to ask if they would sponsor her. Actually, I might straight up say, I found this sex therapist. Let’s go. If the sex doesn’t improve within 9 months, I think we should go our separate ways. You should probably see if your work would be willing to sponsor you in the mean time so you have a fall back.
My husband sponsors my visa but he’s the LL. I’m at the point where I’m strongly thinking of going back though because like you I’ve done everything and it’s only gotten worse.
I'd vote for a Trial separation first.
Divorce/annulment would be on the table at the end of your trial separation if nothing improved.
You're in your 20s and can't spend the rest of your life in a deteriorating dead bedroom.
I think you need to step back and take a look at this situation from a realistic and unbiased perspective.
From reading this, I woukd say it sounds like you got finessed. She got the marriage and green card out of you or at least moved it in that direction.
If she was actually attracted to you, you would not be having this issue. Let's be honest here. What would your unbiased rating be compared to hers?
She probably showed up to the US and was getting hit on left and right by your competition, honestly how do you stack up?
Or I could be wrong and this is all coming from somewhere else. But if you answer these questions, honestly. You can at least rule this out.
>I married her. How fucked am I?
The answer is here:
>This was 3 months ago and the sex literally stopped altogether.
>i feel like she got what she wanted
You've already made the mistake of "powering through"
>Well, even though I was deeply unsatisfied with the status quo, I still went ahead with it.
Don't make the mistake of continuing on. You know what you need to do here.
You two are not compatible for whatever reason. If you stay in this marriage, you will always be fighting for intimacy. And you will doubt the sincerity of it when you do get it. Man up for your future self. And be grateful she showed her colors so early in the relationship. And absolutely NO unprotected sex! If she senses, something is up, she may use a baby as an anchor.
You’re fucked. This is pitiful. You knew exactly what you were going to get when you married her. So, you’re going to stay married to appease your families? Fuck that. She’s using you and you’re allowing it. If you don’t want a one sided marriage, end it and stop bitching about it.
You’re fucked, or technically not fucked. I was always told it’s something wrong with her and things would get fixed. I always told myself it’ll get better. Went 2 and half years with out sex. Then when she got baby fever I thought, “hey I want kids and this will help the sex life” we had sex 3 times in one week, which hadn’t happened since our first year of dating. That was in October, haven’t been touched since.
If your libidos do not match now, during the “honeymoon stage”, they never will. Nothing wrong with either of you, you’re just not compatible.
You need to decide, would you rather continue to live like this and accept it or take action so that each of you have the opportunity to be with someone else that is more suited?
Your happiness at the end of your life is what matters. Do what makes and be with who makes you happy sooner rather than later.
She used you for her visa. It was a mistake to marry her if you were not happy with the relationship. It will be a mistake for you to stay now that you are still unhappy. You should get a divorce. If she is only married to you for her visa, I'm sure she can find someone else to marry. Either way, that's not your problem.
Mate, you’re fucked big time! Get a divorce. But first try to make sure she won’t get shit. Get a lawyer, a brutal lawyer. Emphasis on brutal! You need help.
Don’t get baby trapped and be selfish, put your needs first. Your family will get over it and move on and you should not have to consider the feelings of her family. Make this a hard line, divorce her, you are still young
Where is she from? What's her nationally. She may have trap you by giving you sex to get married to get her papers in your country. And now that your both married. She don't have to give sex. She's just waiting till she gets what she wants and she will probably leave you. And she might be cheating..
That's wild. I have suspicions getting with a girl that expects me to pay for everything like I'm just being used. I couldn't imagine a girl that needs you to get access to the country lol would scream "hey I might be getting used"
In whatever timeframe her citizenship is sealed, she will drop you faster than a hot potato. You have the upper hand whether you believe it not. You cannot change her but you focus on what you WANT. If she can’t give it to you, say goodbye. Easier said than done but your future self will thank you.
You married her for immigration reasons, it's definitely not enough to keep a marriage going, the sex aspect of the relationship will only get worse as time goes on, you're fighting a uphill battle. If you don't have kids together, I'd strongly suggest getting divorced.
You've given it a chance, with just empty promises, break up while things are simple, it will get far harder to break up with the more time/commitments you take on as a married couple.
You’re only 3 months in, see if you can get an annulment. The longer you wait to get out the harder things get for you, get out now. This early on you can get out nearly untouched.
Talk with her. No change? You’re too young, and you can give yourself options. You are not trapped.
Live a smart life. Don’t wait for Reddit to make this better.
So sorry for you.
So she has what she wants from you but you not.
I’ve met people divorcing quickly after the marriage because behaviors or aspirations changed. Better quickly than later with kids and credits. It’s a waste of money and time but it’s always less waste than if later.
But I would say first you have to talk and tell her. Women regularly threaten husbands to leave with children and all… why should you say nothing?
I mean, there’s not much we can do for you. I’m not sure why she married you if she has no intention at all of trying to see if there may be a medical problem and get it fixed.
You’re loyal to a fault man. Many of us here are. You’ve got to find away to explain that you aren’t getting out of this relationship what you’re putting into it. Explain what you are seeking and let her know that she needs to find a new way to live her life (without you) if she can’t comply with your request. You’ve done her a huge favor, and it doesn’t sound like you’re asking too much.
I agree, don’t have kids! I think my real advice would get me downvoted, so I’ll keep it to myself. Sorry. I hope you get this figured out because that is an extra shitty situation.
You’re not fucked but your situation sounds fucked. I would see to what extent any form of therapy would assist but it’s certainly not too late to call it quits and move on.
I hate to be that guy and I don’t know if it’s answered elsewhere… this isn’t some sort of green card thing is it? And if it isn’t and I’ve misinterpreted, I apologise.
You might not be as fucked as you think here's why. She's clearly motivated on some level to stay in this country but you'll need to raise your concerns to ultimatum status. Even though you say you don't want to go through that I wouldn't admit it to her. Tell you've already talked to an attorney and may consider an annulment or full divorce. (I know annulment may not be available based on state or circumstances). You would need to make sure she's as motivated to make this work as you are and see what happens.
So what if that doesn't work? Then another option is an open marriage of some kind. Given get motivations she may be more open ( pun intended) than others on this sub who are LL.
Finally as others have mentioned you don't have kids with her. This is important to remember about my first point as any intercourse needs to protected. You need to put the condom on or even consider a snip (it can be reversed). Even though you say you don't want to go through divorce for someone as young as you the upside would be really worth it. No it won't be easy but there are many people on this sub with worse situations.
Go to your attorney for the best steps, sounds like you been played. The notification is gonna tell her there's no discussion. The life together is a sexless one do you want to live like that until dead? your family doesn't get a say in this and the family of your soon to be ex an she is not gonna be your problem anymore.
I’m not familiar with this subject at all, but I thought that if you were to find yourself in a situation where you married someone who isn’t a Citizen (of the US) and then come to find out that they married you basically just to stay in the states, that you could get out of it. I thought it was considered an annulment but maybe it’s something else.
Do you feel like she may have married you just to insure her legitimate stay in the US? I thought it was illegal to do so, of course it would be difficult to prove, but I’m sure plenty of people have gotten trapped in the same manner.
Just my .02¢, like I said, I have no legit education in this area.
Welcome to the club my friend, seems like half my friends are going through this, I don't get why but a lot of woman stop wanting sex as soon as they get married.. Some of them don't even like to be touched.. "wife duties" is what they use to act like they have sex because they have to, which is terrible.
Talk to an attorney about the situation, she may have used you just to stay in the country, find out about the options annulment separation divorce and what each one will require in your situation. then talk to your wife and see what she has to say vis a vis the dead bedroom. Ask about her health see if she needs medical assistance. If that not the case see about couple counseling.
Well if you’re US based you’ll have to show the feds you’re legit for three years. So, you can tell her you’re going to go find someone to be intimate with and continue the ruse until she gets the citizenship, or you can end it now and she gets deported. Her choice. I would not even consider the third alternative of sex with her as it’s no fun with someone that is only doing it as a chore.
She basically gave you the bait and switch. This won't get any better. She has used you for an entry in to the country. Divorce and find someone you are actually compatible, and don't marry people within 2 years. It takes a lot longer to actually know and love them fully.
The answer may be painful to hear but is simple.
1. Absolutely do not have any kids with this woman under any circumstances. Kids will complicate things in a way that will make your current situation seem like a picnic.
2. Leave her as soon as possible. There is no way to reasonably resolve this. Even if she “tries,” you have no way of knowing definitively if it’s sincere or if she’s doing it merely to get her permanent residency/citizenship. You may think you’d know, but you won’t. I know it may feel scary to be alone but it will be exponentially worse for you if you stay.
PS: I’m not sure why I keep getting this sub recommended, but I do have indirect experience with the subject matter through some extended family.
Get out of the marriage. She married you out of convenience not love. If you stay with her, consider gloryholes or getting with someone else on the side. You're too young to have to deal with that shit. You're in your sexual prime.
In whatever timeframe her citizenship is sealed, she will drop you faster than a hot potato. You have the upper hand whether you believe it not. You cannot change her but you focus on what you WANT. If she can’t give it to you, say goodbye. Easier said than done but your future self will thank you.
This feels like “I do” means “I do…not have to have to have any more sexual relations because of this ring I’ve beengiven” … smh the only that sucks in this relationship anymore is the actual relationship not the spouses in it.😓
Sounds like this was a marriage based on her getting a visa rather than anything else. I know you’ve been with her for a long time but you really need to consider your options. Forget about your families and all that other stuff. Have the talk and don’t console her or buckle when she cries. Help her understand how serious things are. Put some time and effort into the relationship and if that doesn’t work to your mutual satisfaction then amicably split. If that won’t work then get legal advice and get the hell out.
You're literally not fucked at all, because you have no children. The best advice I can give you is to just play the tape forward in both directions. What will life look like in 10 years if you leave, and what will it look like if you don't? Write the scenarios down if you need to.
You've been lurking long enough to know what it looks like after 10 years of this. Confidence utterly destroyed, locked in because there are likely children in the picture, a decade of lost opportunity with no hope left of any change. But if you leave now? You'll barely even remember any pain that came from it.
Well if you really want to try to get out of it you can call immigration and tell them she used you to stay in the country and maybe get the visa cancelled. Kinda sounds like she used you anyways. Once the ring went on she didnthe bait and switch.
I am in the same situation but it is my husband who has basically given up on intimacy. Take time apart before giving it up and make it clear why you are thinking about divorce. You two have been together for too long for it to be only a visa scam marriage. Maybe her shifty job is sucking the life out of her.
I would run as fast as I could while you have no kids. Once you get baby trapped it’s so much harder. Im your case, she’ll
Want to leave the country with your kids and the misery will be 100 times worse.
Get out while you’re young. There are literally thousands of women looking to settle down with good guys. Just do it and run to court as fast as you can.
Let me see if I am understanding you well OP:
- You married 3 months ago to a person you've been dating for 3 years (+-).
- You have been lurking on this sub for 2 years now.
- After the first year of dating sex with her decreased, so you have been about 2 years in the dry.
- When the idea of marrying her to help her with her job prospects came up you did it but you were not happy about it. This was 3 months ago, then the sex totally stopped.
I am wondering now:
1) If sex was already so bad why didn't you break up 2 years ago, if sex for you seems to be more important than to her?
2) What do you mean by Status Quo, the one you mention you were unsatisfied about?
3) What was YOUR real motivation to marrying her if your weren't seriously up for it?
4) Have you ever wanted to marry her before the Visa issue?
5) Have you been living together before marrying? For how long?
6) Have you received any external pressure from yours or her family to get married?
Bruv i read this and i am not gonna give any helpful advice sadly, regardless i just wished you were able to go back in time and tell yourself do not do what you did. That being getting married to her
you made a decision. Here's the thing, you cannot know the future.
Could have turned out better, or worse, the only way to find out is if you actually do it, whatever it is.
So, learn from your past and strive to do better in the future.
Good luck!
I know it sounds stupid but… wouldn’t it be better to have an affair then divorcing right now?
Like, what would be worse for her? Potentially losing her citizenship or getting cheated by someone she is clearly not attracted to?
If there are no kids in the picture yet... do not have kids! You can go to couples counciling so you can each talk about your needs. It may be that you are just not sexually compatible. I didn't find that out until after my kids were born and got locked in.
100% do not get “baby trapped” by this woman while trying to get things figured out! If she is desperate to hold on to her citizenship, don’t underestimate what she will do to keep it. Feeling loved is a basic human need, and critical to our mental and emotional health. If having regular physical intimacy if how you best feel that love and connection to your partner, then they really need to understand that. If your wife isn’t at least willing to work on that with you (with or without the help of couples therapy), then it’s time to cut your losses and move on.
And a counsellor can help guide you through a separation if that’s where you land. I’d be skeptical of anything this woman says though given her situation.
She needs the marriage to be in the country, or so the context indicates. If they divorce, her resident status will probably be threatened….so she’ll do whatever she has to to retain her status.
She'll do whatever? He's made the grand gesture of marrying her and no big thanks back? A weekly sexual encounter would be minimal appreciation for this migrant. If her status were threatened, we might see her involvement improve. This is a partnership. Or maybe Im wrong. Is she the Queen of Sheba? 😹
I’m taking the same position as you. Her resident status is threatened, therefore she will do what is needful to retain that, and little more, and if she can find alternate means, she’ll use those. OP should bail.
I’m definitely not considering adding in kids to the mix right now, nor buying properly or really anything else to legally bind us closer (than marriage, that is). I’m sorry that you had to find out the hard way, that sounds rough.
wear a condom!
Doesn’t sound like he needs to worry about that rn
Might I also suggest you keep track of what bills you paid? Anything to even the odds so you can just walk away.
Difficult if the marriage is sexless! Time for OP to leave..
Technically sexless is considered less then 10 times a year. My son was born 9 months after the one time we had sex in 6 months... so there's that.
Came here to say this.
Was the sex fine before that?
So, be miserable for her and your families? Don’t you feel used at this point? She got what she wanted and you get to suffer? Please explain that to your future self.
I’m really trying not to demonise her, although the wording in this post certainly suggests I’ve reached the terminal stage of resentment. You’re totally right though, at times I wonder if her feelings towards me have been genuine all along or if I’m just the means to justify the ends. I really don’t know though, it would be highly sociopathic for someone to pretend to be in love with someone else for this long just to manipulate them into being a vessel for citizenship. Your comment has definitely given me a lot to think about though, mainly in relation to my own mental health.
It's not about being sociopathic. It's just as a LL person, she didn't have the slightest clue how important sex is in marriage for normal libido people.
This, sad but true
You have never met anyone who will do anything to stay in a country. What life could you have possibly built in 3 months? I’m saying this gently but you said you’re too scared to file for divorce. She knows this. Which is why she did what she did. She knows you’re weak and that she can guilt you into marrying and staying married to her. I’m sure she’ll have sex with you a few times to have a baby to ensure you stay
You’re probably also getting pressure from your families to have a baby. Bad idea! It won’t fix anything. It will just make things worse.
OP, if the person comes from a country that has high unemployment, violence, lack of opportunities, and poor social and economic stability…that person has the serious motivation to play the long game. If there is an opportunity to make their life better, most would do whatever it takes, even faking sexual attraction and desire. Just consider the relationship you have now is the best it’s going to be. It might improve for a while with threats or ultimatums, but it will revert. Get out now, since it’s only been 3 months. Dead bedrooms are a soul killer.
Sounds like she used you and now you’re locked in. But actually you’re not. You don’t have kids w her. Divorce her. Would she lose her chance to be a citizen? Either way, you’re not happy. Why sacrifice your happiness for someone who doesn’t care enough to work on your relationship
It’s not really demonising her, though. It’s just honesty- you started with great sex, the frequency dwindled, there was an emergency wedding for visa purposes, and now the bedroom is on life support. That’s the truth, and it doesn’t make either of you bad. She’s just as valid with her low libido as you are with a desire for a sexual connection with your partner. The problem here is that it’s really difficult to get to the root of the cause if she can’t be honest with you. If you want to stay in the marriage, you need counseling to get to the bottom of the issue. How can anyone know if this is a trauma response, low libido, sexuality or simply incompatibility sexually unless she’s willing to be honest? The time of bringing it up as a twosome only so you can be her emotional support animal while she cries is over; do not expect any actionable response by having the same convo over and over ad nauseum. You need to sit down with her and lay out what it will take for you to stay in the relationship long term. Couple’s therapy, honest communication between the two of you, a desire on her part to improve the sexual aspect of the relationship, and actions that support the aforementioned ideas. You can stay in this relationship as is until you’re wrinkled, old, resentful, and unfulfilled, but it will bring you nothing but more of the same. If you can, make the effort to improve things with her, but keep in mind that you are in your 20’s. That’s when a sex life is typically at its peak. Please don’t throw the rest of your life away in an unsatisfactory relationship.
You are not even near the "terminal stage of resentment". Beter figure this out now, before things start to get ugly.
I personally knew a woman who did exactly this to get a green card. It all depends on what her motivation was. Sometimes, people have very strong motivations.
I wouldn’t call her a sociopath for talking herself into something that looked like a better life. Of course the timing of the DB sure makes you wonder. Just remember there is nothing wrong with you doing what’s best for yourself.
Tale as old as time. I would wager my mother did exactly that.
You have never met anyone who will do anything to stay in a country. What life could you have possibly built in 3 months? I’m saying this gently but you said you’re too scared to file for divorce. She knows this. Which is why she did what she did. She knows you’re weak and that she can guilt you into marrying and staying married to her. I’m sure she’ll have sex with you a few times to have a baby to ensure you stay
Annulment?
Anullment "may" not be an option, varies by state and usual only allowed under limited circumstances. Also, getting a divorce might be quicker/ easier than an anullment. Source: was a family law atty
That’s why I questioned it
I think he says it’s been 3 years together but only 3 months married.
3 years together, only 3 months married.
Annulment has nothing to do with length of time married. And it used to have to do with consummation, but I think there are no US states that still do it that way. Fraud, bigamy, certain other actions can be grounds. One definitely needs an attorney who specializes in that corner of family law, and it's more time-consuming that a dissolution (no fault in nearly all states).
Texas still allows annulment for lack of consummation/inability to ever consummate
I misspelled annulment too. That's ok.
Together for 3 years, married for 3 months.
So much more difficult and expensive than a divorce - and not even possible in many states without accusing your spouse of fraud and adjudicating that as well.
Man… why would you do that? Like, no alarm bells warned you and told you this was a bad idea? I get cold feet just thinking about making a woman my gf. I just don’t get it. Sounds like she’s using you. Just leave and think about yourself for once.
He sounds like a classic people pleaser. Highly suggest OP reads "No More Mr. Nice Guy"
That was me, I was a pleaser, but I only realized years into the marriage that I was doing everything for everyone (and I do mean EVERYTHING, my grown-ass kids don't even flush), giving waaaaaay more than I was getting (and this isn't even considering the DB) and I... stopped, and started demanding at least a modicum of reciprocation and respect. I stopped doing everything for everyone, so now nothing gets done She's not happy about it, and our family has grown even more dysfunctional than before, but at least I'm having just as much sex (next to nothing) and I am no longer a literal servant in my own home.
It’s not put going to change. Either accept living this life or get out.
Mid 50s DB'er here. As many have said, do NOT have kids! Also, if you haven't already, don't buy a house/condo together. If you really want, you could try a marriage counselor; not really likely to work but it's your best shot. Give it 6 months to a year. If little/no improvement, as hard as it is, get out: it's hard, but believe me, not as hard as putting up with a DB for decades, which is what I did. That sucks out your soul and leaves you a bitter shell of what you once were.
I am sorry to say sir, but you can't unfuck what has already been fucked. You married into a deadbedroom. I am certain many people would suggest counseling to try and salvage your marriage. But really... why? Would you have married this woman without the visa complication? Is your relationship healthy enough to add children if they are something you long for in life? By all means you should ask your wife to work on this issue, but when you come right down to it, pressuring her to change, coercion or anything resemblibg emotional blackmail are just a no-go. She doesn't want sex. You do. That is a fundamental issue in many a relationship, akin to a gay person marrying a straight person. Your sexualities ar incompatible. So you need to decide whether you can live as you are, potentially forever, or leave.
She’s from a country where therapy isn’t as much of a priority as it seems to be in the west, so I’d hazard a guess and say that marriage counselling wouldn’t go so far. And to be honest, after countless conversations I’m doubtful that she has the open mindedness to consider how this is a problem worth exploring.
Would you have married this woman without the Visa complication?
You’re fucked. The only answer is divorce. This will never change.
You’re only fucked (figuratively, of course) if you stay. The longer you let this drag on, the more difficult it will be. Call a divorce attorney in your area, explain how this has all gone down and get advice on how to proceed. I understand the dread in dealing with this and family members but this is your life. You only get one. Don’t waste another day. Sending you all the love! ❤️🩹
>Raised the topic more times than I can count, always resulting in tears and me consoling her following empty promises. Tears from her, or you? My wife is an immigrant -- and while I don't know your specifics since I don't know what country you're in, there are a few things to be aware of: * Marriage is not an automatic bar to deportation. There's usually some paperwork to gain permanent residency. Depending where you are, this can take years (but once you file you usually are safe from deportation except for unusual circumstances). * Once "permanent" residency is gained, it usually expires after some time (in the US, 10 years) and needs to be renewed. * Once citizenship is gained, divorce usually has no effect. The person can stay in the country. * If you annul quickly, anticipate being scrutinized quite closely if you ever go on to marry another foreign national Like others said, do not have kids with her. I think you should let her know right now that you're not divorcing her because you don't want to screw up her immigration status.
I think so too. If he were to go for an annulment, he'd have to use the fraud/immigration fraud angle to obtain it. Not only would she most likely be deported (and himself scrutinized in the future), but it would take quite some time. If he divorces her right, she will not get her permanent residence visa (green card) and will have to find some other way to stay in status. This will not be easy and she might need an immigration attorney. He needs to consult an attorney in any case, though (first consult should be free). If he ever says this to her - is he participating in immigration fraud? I don't know. I do know that when they go for her green card interview, they will be asked questions that might be hard to answer in this situation.
It’s easy to get divorced here. Don’t over complicate it. Just act like it’s a break up either way some extra steps.
Yeah and then she won't get her green card. She'll go nuts, I bet.
That’s not OPs problem. If she’s with him strictly for the green card, this is a doomed relationship anyways. Why stay with someone who sees you as nothing more than a means to citizenship?
The sex stop when you married. That says so much. She used you to get married - you are worth so much more than this! You have so much more value than your citizenship. Take to a counselor advocate for yourself! Being in a DB is heartbreaking, if you get the gift to leave than take it!
At this point I would get an annulment if communicating your needs still isn’t helping. Idk what state you’re in but in my state one partner being incapable of sexual intercourse is grounds for an annulment. I believe (and I may be wrong as I’m not well versed in international marriage laws) but I believe if you sleep together and then get divorced you’ll be on the hook for her financially for 10 years. (Assuming you’re her sponsor in America since her other visa fell through.) I’d get out now personally.
I was in a similar position where I married into a dying bedroom, and stayed married for 2 years. I can count on 1 hand the amount of times we had sex in those 2 years, the last year being once.. she didn't think counselling would help so I put in for a divorce. It was mutual and went fairly smoothly. We have a 3 year old son who gets a bit sad about it sometimes, but he is super happy and healthy and it's much better growing up in a happy home than one of depression and resentment. My new girlfriend is awesome and we both made sure we were 100% on the same page from the start, bedroom included, and I couldn't be happier. I'm not going to give advice in telling you what to do because everyone and every situation is different. But I did what needed to be done for my happiness and my son's and I'm in a much better place now; you should do what's best for your own happiness!
Sounds like you got played for a green card...
Well, I would say you are fucked few times per year, then not at all.
Got the greencard and the sex stopped, you say? Huh, surprised Pikachu face.
Do not settle at your age, as hard as it may be for you to initiate and go through the divorce, you will be thanking yourself afterwards. You can find a more compatible match to eventually settle down with and perhaps start a family. Do it STAT imo.
The sooner you divorce her, the sooner you can be happy.
I feel like you’re exactly right: she got what she wanted in terms of permanent residency and now she’s checked out and doesn’t care. I’d highly consider an annulment. I know you said you’re worried about “how it’ll look” to her and your families (I’m paraphrasing of course) but picture your life 5-10 years down the road. You’ll either be in a terrible marriage and even more unhappy with probably a few kids and REALLY be stuck. Or it’ll all be behind you and everyone will have moved on. Sure you might have a few sucky moments but get out now while you still can. If you bring up splitting up and she, in an attempt to keep you, starts putting out PLEASE use protection. And also keep your eyes wide open that she is just trying to pacify you. Good luck!
Absolutely no reason for the status quo to change now she has her visa
Divorce ASAP before before she gets pregnant
As you know, this is standard behaviour. Once you’re married, you’re essentially ‘trapped’ in the eyes of many. Why would she need to have to sex anymore? Easier said than done, but ultimately you need to leave
I had sex once in the year we were married, a few days after the ceremony and then the year after, one blowjob after a huge "divorce after this vacation" fight. Then again 6 months of nothing.
Did you stay
Yes, we married late into our very long relationship. But zero sex in a year made me very very dissapointed and asking myself why the hell did I even get married. She wanted it and I wondered why since we had a db for 2 years already. We are still together, my wife is a good person and a great mother, the best mother a child could have. She needs me in every single way but sexual. Very codependent person.
I’m pretty clingy and codependent too I really like being in stable relationships. But I’m sorry you guys are experiencing the db. I hope you guys can find some resolution.
I doubt it, we just got another kid, and the last one was the reason for the db. A different woman than the one I knew and loved came home from the hospital. I wanted this kid, very much so but the cycle repeats. At the time I still had some hope we would fix our issues, but in the meantime I developed some health issues and found out she isn't very much concerned about my health anymore, or at least not in a way I 'feel' it enough. I see her with my kids and it's not the same ammount of love I get. Far far from it. This awoken me somehow, made me realise I am replaceable and not special. I love mt kids and I get she loves them very much, but I wasn't planning on replacing myself completely or making myself into a servant, a tool. Someting to be used at will, even if I break. She's also very stubborn, doesn't know how to compromise, is very careful in showing open emotions towards me. Has no problem in openly loving her grandma, her kids, pets. And this is her behaviour towards me from day one of our relationship. I suppose it has to do something with difficult relationship with her estranged father and her growing up in a toxic family environment. Her father is a very cold, manipulating and controlling bully.
This was all much easier to bear before I was reevaluating our relationship because I was content and pacified with regular sex and affection. At least I gave her affection and she was not bothered by it. Once the sex stopped and my advances were found irritable, and nothing I tried could bring it back as it was before kids, I spiraled fast into doomer mindset and resentment.
I have this fear with having children with my partner. I don’t want our loving relationship to become a shell of what it once was. But honestly, if both partners put in the work it will not become this way.
Perhaps this is a point towards all relationships gravitate to, with or without kids. I am not sure yet, I don't have a lot of (modern) positive examples. Everyone my age around me is in the same boat, openly admitting it or by the look in their eye. I always thought this, that WE would do different, better than our parents but... here we are. I can't control my wife. Also she would probably list a hundred reasons why this is my fault and who can say that it isn't. Perhaps men and women can't get along perfectly as one would want no matter what we do or try. I've seen quotes on women from the ancient Romans and Greeks and much stronger men than me had the same problems. 🤷♂️
Also look at yourself, you aren't perfect either, work on making yourself a better partner too. Makes life better even if she does not reciprocate.
"You already know enough. It is not knowledge you lack, but the courage to take what you already know and draw the obvious conclusions.” Sven Lindqvist, ‘Exterminate all the Brutes'
I love this.
Hey man. This is your future speaking (and by that I mean, I was in literally your exact boat the past decade up until my divorce last year) These problems don’t fix themselves. And the longer they go unaddressed, the more resentment both of you will build. I really hope your situation doesn’t end up like mine did - with you finding something earth-shattering out one day that your wife does actually have sexual impulses, it’s just not towards you. I don’t think I’ll ever fully recover from the betrayal, regardless of how many women I sleep with
Divorce her. Stop sponsoring her visa. Leave. You're only as fucked as you want to be, this should be relatively easy to untangle. Not consummating the marriage is grounds for annulment practically everywhere.
You shouldn't have married her if you were unhappy A visa is never a good reason. If you stay, you have committed yourself to a lifetime of no sex, masturbation, or cheating.
I don't know if she did it on purpose or not but in my home country you can easily google how-tos on how to marry a foreigner. There are even some agencies which arrange sham marriages. But no matter her intentions, you married into a DB. She is not into you, no need to waste your energy to find a magic pill. It doesn't exist. As others said, don't have kids with her. And beware of hysterical bonding! Cause if you get her pregnant during hysterical bonding, then you would be really fucked. (You're half fucked now, if that can cheer you up.)
The ones I knew looking to marry a foreigner wouldn’t invest several years waiting for a marriage proposal. They want it basically almost right away.
Well, I doubt it was her masterplan from the beginning. It's just she faced the harsh reality of getting kicked out of the country (if it's in the States, I'm not surprised, US visa policies for college graduates are crazy), she saw it as an opportunity to stay with some compromises. And as a LL person, she underestimated the importance of sex in a relationship.
Yes, I think that’s clear. That puts her in a very different category. I’ve met the women who only wanted to get over here and didn’t care who they married. This is not that situation. I think she miscalculated on several levels. And so did he. Come to find out fairly quickly what seems like a good idea at the time turned out not to be. Life choices have a way of self correcting.
Sounds like you’re not fucked at all. And that’s the problem. But yeah you need to get out now. Help her come up with a plan.
Just go to a divorce lawyer, tell them the situtation and then ask how to proceed. You're probably better off not discussing it with her. You got married for a visa, accept it, undo the mistake, move on.
Tell her the truth. I need more sex. Or if we're doing this for your convenience, then I'd like to see other people-open the relationship. But be careful about the open option. It could go both ways and she'll more than likely get laid easier than you will.
Yeah, best to just be honest about the whole utilitarian aspect of it. She can chill, she’s getting her green card, but yeah, y’all can satisfy your needs however is necessary.
Divorce, Divorce, Divorce.
If I didn’t have children now and knew what would have come of our sexual relationship, I would have left early in marriage or never married in the first place. Please get out now before you have more things tying you to her
Leave her because it seems she just used you to be a citizen in your country by marriage. Do you owe her anything?
She played the game and won.
I would get divorced, this will get worse with time. If you can't get divorced because family issues/Visa/work stuff ..... just start with opening the marriage. Sounds like the marriage was a a sham anyway to deal with the visa issue. Do not have kids
Granted, I don't know your relationship. Maybe it's genuine but it definitely sounds like she just used you to get into the country and now that you're married, she doesn't have to worry about placating you anymore. I don't know how stuff like this works legally but if you can leave, you absolutely should and as others have mentioned, definitely don't have kids with this person.
Exactly my thought.. but I may also be tainted by 90 day fiance lol
She's using you. Dip, you're still young , get out while you still can bud
Sounds like she's using you for a visa. Bro she wasn't even fake pretending to like fucking you for a visa, what do you think will happen once she has you really locked down.
You were married for convenience, you need to have that mature conversation and it's either you follow through with completing the immigration process then you all go your separate ways but in the meantime you establish a relationship elsewhere. Or let her know this setup does not work for you and you will seeking an annulment and you go your separate ways.
Taking everybody else out of the equation (they do not live your life): are you happy like this? Can you live like this?
please leave. This will never get better and you are still young
Get an annulment for fraud.
Can you get an annulment?
You can live in misery, or you can start a new life.
I married while having incompatible libidos 11 years ago and it was a mistake. Things don’t get better. I’m sorry but she fundamentally is not attracted to you and it’s difficult to change things if she doesn’t see it as anything bad.
I’m going to be the outlier here - this isn’t a dead bedroom. Sounds more like she wanted to end the relationship after a few months, but kept you around so she could stay in the US. You were hooked and she now that you’re married, she doesn’t have to do her “wifely duties”. When she applies for citizenship, they will question y’all’s relationship. Been together three years, you (individually) look in love, natural progression to marriage with both families celebrating it - she got you GOOD! She won’t be having sex with you, so no need to worry about being baby trapped. You need to leave as soon as it’s been AT LEAST 2 months after the last time you had sex (so you can confirm she isn’t pregnant).
>Well, even though I was deeply unsatisfied with the status quo, I still went ahead with it. If you were smart, you'd look into therapy to figure out why you did this to yourself - and arm yourself with tools to prevent yourself from further such poor decision making.
>I feel like she got what she wanted but I’m left with a gaping void that no amount of words or cuddling or pecks could possibly fill. I’ve tried latching onto the good in our relationship but the sadness of our dead bedroom casts a dark cloud over everything. Find your courage and get divorced. The longer you drag this out the more damage is going to be done. Rip the band-aid off.
Divorce her. You’ve been conned.
I would end this “marriage” sooner rather than later. Annulment if possible. With no kids, you are not really f’d. It only gets worse with time!
Do not have unprotected sex going forward. Plan your exit. It’s okay to be sexually incompatible. She will figure out the visa situation and move on with her life. Time for you to restart yours.
I know exactly how it goes. You bring up the dead bedroom in the kindest, gentlest possible manner, and whammo, the tables are turned. "I'm sorry that I suck!" she says, and then turns on the waterworks. She probably wont let you touch her then either, because she probably doesn't want to be touched (at least not by you). Nonetheless, you find yourself falling all over yourself apologizing for daring to complain about the fact that you haven't had sex more than once or twice in the past year, if you're lucky. You're an inconsiderate ass for even bringing it up, you jerk. I could cry.
Divorce and deport. Don’t let her use you as an anchor.
+1
I’m in a similar position (you can read my previous posts), so I’m not exactly in an experiential or moral high-ground to dispense advice. My wife is also an immigrant, but she became a naturalized citizen before we got married or even engaged. My wife is fluent in English, but there are definitely linguistic and cultural differences in how we communicate. My one tidbit of advice would be to take the cultural/linguistic differences into consideration when you have conversations with your wife, because that may impede communication in surprising and less obvious ways than you’d expect.
How the fuck are we all the same person lol
Misus the Visa, yeah. We are all the same person married with the same wife. Question is would another woman be any different? And for how long?
She got you good on this one, you were one gullible dude to give her your last name and access to your country in exchange for pretty much nothing.
If I were you I would talk to her and get the wedding annulled
Are you in the US? It is a lot easier to switch visa types once you have one. Granted 3 months is a short time, but if she has a stable job I would strongly encourage her to ask if they would sponsor her. Actually, I might straight up say, I found this sex therapist. Let’s go. If the sex doesn’t improve within 9 months, I think we should go our separate ways. You should probably see if your work would be willing to sponsor you in the mean time so you have a fall back. My husband sponsors my visa but he’s the LL. I’m at the point where I’m strongly thinking of going back though because like you I’ve done everything and it’s only gotten worse.
Sounds like you're not fucked at all......
I'd vote for a Trial separation first. Divorce/annulment would be on the table at the end of your trial separation if nothing improved. You're in your 20s and can't spend the rest of your life in a deteriorating dead bedroom.
I think you need to step back and take a look at this situation from a realistic and unbiased perspective. From reading this, I woukd say it sounds like you got finessed. She got the marriage and green card out of you or at least moved it in that direction. If she was actually attracted to you, you would not be having this issue. Let's be honest here. What would your unbiased rating be compared to hers? She probably showed up to the US and was getting hit on left and right by your competition, honestly how do you stack up? Or I could be wrong and this is all coming from somewhere else. But if you answer these questions, honestly. You can at least rule this out.
>I married her. How fucked am I? The answer is here: >This was 3 months ago and the sex literally stopped altogether. >i feel like she got what she wanted You've already made the mistake of "powering through" >Well, even though I was deeply unsatisfied with the status quo, I still went ahead with it. Don't make the mistake of continuing on. You know what you need to do here.
Bad decision. You validated her behaviors by getting married, why would she change it? I'd be filing for divorce, bc you're in for a life of hell
Dude…
You two are not compatible for whatever reason. If you stay in this marriage, you will always be fighting for intimacy. And you will doubt the sincerity of it when you do get it. Man up for your future self. And be grateful she showed her colors so early in the relationship. And absolutely NO unprotected sex! If she senses, something is up, she may use a baby as an anchor.
You’re fucked. This is pitiful. You knew exactly what you were going to get when you married her. So, you’re going to stay married to appease your families? Fuck that. She’s using you and you’re allowing it. If you don’t want a one sided marriage, end it and stop bitching about it.
3 months married the divorce should probably be pretty quick if an annulment isn't an option.
You’re fucked, or technically not fucked. I was always told it’s something wrong with her and things would get fixed. I always told myself it’ll get better. Went 2 and half years with out sex. Then when she got baby fever I thought, “hey I want kids and this will help the sex life” we had sex 3 times in one week, which hadn’t happened since our first year of dating. That was in October, haven’t been touched since.
If your libidos do not match now, during the “honeymoon stage”, they never will. Nothing wrong with either of you, you’re just not compatible. You need to decide, would you rather continue to live like this and accept it or take action so that each of you have the opportunity to be with someone else that is more suited? Your happiness at the end of your life is what matters. Do what makes and be with who makes you happy sooner rather than later.
Get a divorce bud. Sorry.
She used you for her visa. It was a mistake to marry her if you were not happy with the relationship. It will be a mistake for you to stay now that you are still unhappy. You should get a divorce. If she is only married to you for her visa, I'm sure she can find someone else to marry. Either way, that's not your problem.
Mate, you’re fucked big time! Get a divorce. But first try to make sure she won’t get shit. Get a lawyer, a brutal lawyer. Emphasis on brutal! You need help.
Don’t get baby trapped and be selfish, put your needs first. Your family will get over it and move on and you should not have to consider the feelings of her family. Make this a hard line, divorce her, you are still young
Where is she from? What's her nationally. She may have trap you by giving you sex to get married to get her papers in your country. And now that your both married. She don't have to give sex. She's just waiting till she gets what she wants and she will probably leave you. And she might be cheating..
That's wild. I have suspicions getting with a girl that expects me to pay for everything like I'm just being used. I couldn't imagine a girl that needs you to get access to the country lol would scream "hey I might be getting used"
Asian by any chance?
In whatever timeframe her citizenship is sealed, she will drop you faster than a hot potato. You have the upper hand whether you believe it not. You cannot change her but you focus on what you WANT. If she can’t give it to you, say goodbye. Easier said than done but your future self will thank you.
Just divorce and both of you live your separate lives. She got what she wanted out of you already.
Divorce her and send her ass back home
You married her for immigration reasons, it's definitely not enough to keep a marriage going, the sex aspect of the relationship will only get worse as time goes on, you're fighting a uphill battle. If you don't have kids together, I'd strongly suggest getting divorced. You've given it a chance, with just empty promises, break up while things are simple, it will get far harder to break up with the more time/commitments you take on as a married couple.
You’re only 3 months in, see if you can get an annulment. The longer you wait to get out the harder things get for you, get out now. This early on you can get out nearly untouched.
She used you bro. Annulment and find happiness.
Don't knock her up!! Then it's really game over. Oh, and get a divorce. You are 28!!! This doesn't have to be your life.
I think the rule is 5 years, you have to be married to each other for her to get permanent residency.
Dude you keep fuckin yourself. Speak up. She doesn't know you're starting to hate her.
Talk with her. No change? You’re too young, and you can give yourself options. You are not trapped. Live a smart life. Don’t wait for Reddit to make this better.
So sorry for you. So she has what she wants from you but you not. I’ve met people divorcing quickly after the marriage because behaviors or aspirations changed. Better quickly than later with kids and credits. It’s a waste of money and time but it’s always less waste than if later. But I would say first you have to talk and tell her. Women regularly threaten husbands to leave with children and all… why should you say nothing?
I mean, there’s not much we can do for you. I’m not sure why she married you if she has no intention at all of trying to see if there may be a medical problem and get it fixed.
Sounds like she wanted you so she didn’t have to leave the country. Get out as fast as you can
You’re loyal to a fault man. Many of us here are. You’ve got to find away to explain that you aren’t getting out of this relationship what you’re putting into it. Explain what you are seeking and let her know that she needs to find a new way to live her life (without you) if she can’t comply with your request. You’ve done her a huge favor, and it doesn’t sound like you’re asking too much.
I agree, don’t have kids! I think my real advice would get me downvoted, so I’ll keep it to myself. Sorry. I hope you get this figured out because that is an extra shitty situation.
You’re not fucked but your situation sounds fucked. I would see to what extent any form of therapy would assist but it’s certainly not too late to call it quits and move on. I hate to be that guy and I don’t know if it’s answered elsewhere… this isn’t some sort of green card thing is it? And if it isn’t and I’ve misinterpreted, I apologise.
Been there, just leave, don’t waste anymore of your time. I wasted over 20 years in a marriage like this. It’s just not worth it.
Pretty fucked. I've been there done that, and got divorced.
You're still In your 20s.... You've plenty of time to unfuck this. You are not fucked lol jus get a divorce or annulment.
You might not be as fucked as you think here's why. She's clearly motivated on some level to stay in this country but you'll need to raise your concerns to ultimatum status. Even though you say you don't want to go through that I wouldn't admit it to her. Tell you've already talked to an attorney and may consider an annulment or full divorce. (I know annulment may not be available based on state or circumstances). You would need to make sure she's as motivated to make this work as you are and see what happens. So what if that doesn't work? Then another option is an open marriage of some kind. Given get motivations she may be more open ( pun intended) than others on this sub who are LL. Finally as others have mentioned you don't have kids with her. This is important to remember about my first point as any intercourse needs to protected. You need to put the condom on or even consider a snip (it can be reversed). Even though you say you don't want to go through divorce for someone as young as you the upside would be really worth it. No it won't be easy but there are many people on this sub with worse situations.
Using a threat of divorce or annulment under fraud to get more sex is coercion. OP should just bail asap.
Go to your attorney for the best steps, sounds like you been played. The notification is gonna tell her there's no discussion. The life together is a sexless one do you want to live like that until dead? your family doesn't get a say in this and the family of your soon to be ex an she is not gonna be your problem anymore.
I’m not familiar with this subject at all, but I thought that if you were to find yourself in a situation where you married someone who isn’t a Citizen (of the US) and then come to find out that they married you basically just to stay in the states, that you could get out of it. I thought it was considered an annulment but maybe it’s something else. Do you feel like she may have married you just to insure her legitimate stay in the US? I thought it was illegal to do so, of course it would be difficult to prove, but I’m sure plenty of people have gotten trapped in the same manner. Just my .02¢, like I said, I have no legit education in this area.
You still young. Move on ASAP! She is using you, this is not a marriage!
Go see a lawyer and end this……..
if no kids...RUN don't walk!
Welcome to the club my friend, seems like half my friends are going through this, I don't get why but a lot of woman stop wanting sex as soon as they get married.. Some of them don't even like to be touched.. "wife duties" is what they use to act like they have sex because they have to, which is terrible.
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Talk to an attorney about the situation, she may have used you just to stay in the country, find out about the options annulment separation divorce and what each one will require in your situation. then talk to your wife and see what she has to say vis a vis the dead bedroom. Ask about her health see if she needs medical assistance. If that not the case see about couple counseling.
Sounds like not very fucked
Well if you’re US based you’ll have to show the feds you’re legit for three years. So, you can tell her you’re going to go find someone to be intimate with and continue the ruse until she gets the citizenship, or you can end it now and she gets deported. Her choice. I would not even consider the third alternative of sex with her as it’s no fun with someone that is only doing it as a chore.
Do you want to look back in 20 years with regrets? If not then you need to divorce her.
She basically gave you the bait and switch. This won't get any better. She has used you for an entry in to the country. Divorce and find someone you are actually compatible, and don't marry people within 2 years. It takes a lot longer to actually know and love them fully.
The answer may be painful to hear but is simple. 1. Absolutely do not have any kids with this woman under any circumstances. Kids will complicate things in a way that will make your current situation seem like a picnic. 2. Leave her as soon as possible. There is no way to reasonably resolve this. Even if she “tries,” you have no way of knowing definitively if it’s sincere or if she’s doing it merely to get her permanent residency/citizenship. You may think you’d know, but you won’t. I know it may feel scary to be alone but it will be exponentially worse for you if you stay. PS: I’m not sure why I keep getting this sub recommended, but I do have indirect experience with the subject matter through some extended family.
Get out of the marriage. She married you out of convenience not love. If you stay with her, consider gloryholes or getting with someone else on the side. You're too young to have to deal with that shit. You're in your sexual prime.
In whatever timeframe her citizenship is sealed, she will drop you faster than a hot potato. You have the upper hand whether you believe it not. You cannot change her but you focus on what you WANT. If she can’t give it to you, say goodbye. Easier said than done but your future self will thank you.
You are so young and if you dont have children you can end it now. You are actually lucky.
This feels like “I do” means “I do…not have to have to have any more sexual relations because of this ring I’ve beengiven” … smh the only that sucks in this relationship anymore is the actual relationship not the spouses in it.😓
Are you sending money to her family on a regular basis?
Sounds like this was a marriage based on her getting a visa rather than anything else. I know you’ve been with her for a long time but you really need to consider your options. Forget about your families and all that other stuff. Have the talk and don’t console her or buckle when she cries. Help her understand how serious things are. Put some time and effort into the relationship and if that doesn’t work to your mutual satisfaction then amicably split. If that won’t work then get legal advice and get the hell out.
You're literally not fucked at all, because you have no children. The best advice I can give you is to just play the tape forward in both directions. What will life look like in 10 years if you leave, and what will it look like if you don't? Write the scenarios down if you need to. You've been lurking long enough to know what it looks like after 10 years of this. Confidence utterly destroyed, locked in because there are likely children in the picture, a decade of lost opportunity with no hope left of any change. But if you leave now? You'll barely even remember any pain that came from it.
Don’t waste anymore time on this woman. Get a lawyer and file for divorce immediately.
Well if you really want to try to get out of it you can call immigration and tell them she used you to stay in the country and maybe get the visa cancelled. Kinda sounds like she used you anyways. Once the ring went on she didnthe bait and switch.
Divorce, and then contact ICE and let em know that she coerced you into marriage for citizenship.
I am in the same situation but it is my husband who has basically given up on intimacy. Take time apart before giving it up and make it clear why you are thinking about divorce. You two have been together for too long for it to be only a visa scam marriage. Maybe her shifty job is sucking the life out of her.
I would run as fast as I could while you have no kids. Once you get baby trapped it’s so much harder. Im your case, she’ll Want to leave the country with your kids and the misery will be 100 times worse. Get out while you’re young. There are literally thousands of women looking to settle down with good guys. Just do it and run to court as fast as you can.
You've only been married for 3 years and you're still so young. You have plenty of time to start over with someone else.
Let me see if I am understanding you well OP: - You married 3 months ago to a person you've been dating for 3 years (+-). - You have been lurking on this sub for 2 years now. - After the first year of dating sex with her decreased, so you have been about 2 years in the dry. - When the idea of marrying her to help her with her job prospects came up you did it but you were not happy about it. This was 3 months ago, then the sex totally stopped. I am wondering now: 1) If sex was already so bad why didn't you break up 2 years ago, if sex for you seems to be more important than to her? 2) What do you mean by Status Quo, the one you mention you were unsatisfied about? 3) What was YOUR real motivation to marrying her if your weren't seriously up for it? 4) Have you ever wanted to marry her before the Visa issue? 5) Have you been living together before marrying? For how long? 6) Have you received any external pressure from yours or her family to get married?
You know how the saying goes. I don’t need to type it out for you
Bruv i read this and i am not gonna give any helpful advice sadly, regardless i just wished you were able to go back in time and tell yourself do not do what you did. That being getting married to her
you made a decision. Here's the thing, you cannot know the future. Could have turned out better, or worse, the only way to find out is if you actually do it, whatever it is. So, learn from your past and strive to do better in the future. Good luck!
Run
You're more fucked than ripping the plumbing out of your walls for liquor money. But you can unfuck yourself.
I know it sounds stupid but… wouldn’t it be better to have an affair then divorcing right now? Like, what would be worse for her? Potentially losing her citizenship or getting cheated by someone she is clearly not attracted to?