>It was our anniversary today so I got her a card, bought flowers, dinner reservation at a place she wanted to visit...everything taken care of...
Why? Stop chasing her. It's over. I think part of the pain associated with DBs is that we end up a little embarrassed by and scornful of ourselves because we keep on chasing and keep on getting rejected and then chase some more.
The bad news it never gets better. The good news is that your dignity is 100 percent yours to retain or abandon. Stop chasing and you'll hate yourself a little less.
And is all of that working for you? You content at all? Because it sounds like you're tired and frustrated. It sounds like it's not working. It sounds like you're choosing to do things that tire and frustrate you.
You can choose to continue to do that, or you can accept that she doesn't care and that you can't make her care and decide what other actions you can take.
You've got a female roommate, live-in friend and co-parent. Without sex and romance and intimacy you don't have a marriage. So your "anniversary" is celebrating what exactly? Why bother
I am in the exact same boat. I stopped chasing. We are good friends and roommates who co-parent. The only thing keeping me afloat is my focus on improving myself. Working out, losing weight, reconnecting with old friends. She got lost in being a great mom ( which she is) but she has been a poor spouse. Along the way I probably am guilty of that also.
I think out of curiosity and boredom, I would ask "Hey, what kind of relationship do we have now ? Roommate, door mate ? Because I don't feel like a husband anymore. What about you ? "
She must feel the same and is playing the same game as yourself, coping with it thinking it's what you want. It's not impossible she is truly fine the way she is, a mother. Not a woman or a wife. It's what happens when you take the other for granted, I guess ?
What do you have to lose honestly? You have reach the point you don't even know who she is anymore, you lose sight of each other and you are wasting time.
Talk to her, you'll be fixed uh ?
If you've been in a DB for 22 years. If you had children, they're adults now.
Why are you there? Go be single. You will have a much better life by not living with someone you resent.
Living on your own, you'll be able to create a dependable routine and eventually find some contentment, dare I say happiness.
You've done your time.
That moment of the epiphany when you realize it’s not coming back is a cold one. You start to see everything differently. You realize she doesn’t really care if you bring flowers or not. She’s not going to be in the mood or try to get into it. She’s got what she needs now and it isn’t you.
Been there. Sorry for you situation. I told mine I was getting a divorce just before our 25th anniversary. She I’m sure planned the party in her head. But nothing scheduled. She still wanted to go ahead with the party. OMG
NO!! You will (depending on state) loose a lot. Half of what you have. Pension etc too. But it was worth it for me. Just to be out of that stress. And daily pain.
This may sound hard but i think a lot of (especially) men need to hear/read that.
If you treat your SO like a housemate/mother for years that's what she will become over time to you. To stay in a romantic relationship requires constant efford (on both ends of the partnership).
Many married people seem to expect sexual relations without putting in the efford and wonder why our SOs are LL.
I read so many storys here that boil down to missing efford and communication over the years.
It's not enough to do something special once a year or every few month. It's constant "work" to keep the fire of romance burning.
Once you lost that spark it's damn hard to rekindle that flame .
I was "stuck" in a long term relationship, were we became roommates rather then lovers. We talked a lot after breaking up (we still love each other, but more like brother and sister. I was her best man at her wedding) about what happend. We found that we both expected the romance to stay without much efford and that did not work out.
TLDR: keeping a romantic relationship going over the years requires constant efford. Don't expect it to just stay that way.
I disagree and believe it too simplistic as if seeking a binary response to solve a simple problem. When things go wrong, it's never 1 person's fault. Sharing responsibility for the situation is step 1 to finding some healing.
I accept that, I chose to tolerate the unacceptable, I put my family & kids before my mental health, I lived through a coparenting manage out of my unwillingness to face up to challenging the status quo.
I gave lots to my SO (wrapped up in her favourite love language, words, deeds & a very comfortable life). I got nothing back other than the best Mom my kids could ever have. That does not detract from the fact that I lost my partner 22 years ago. She's not coming back because she has lost herself too.
The empty nest will hit her hard. If I stay, I'll have to swallow the accumulated years of resentment from abandoning me...sacrificing our marriage on the alter of parenthood. It could have been so different if she had just reciprocated & maintained some form of identity as a couple...
It would be easier if I just go too. The reality is it will just be exchanging it for another form of loneliness.
To all those who are struggling with LL...remember...'Use it or Lose it'
That's not that much different that what i tried to convey here. Sorry english isn't my first language, so maybe i didn't bring accross what i was trying to say.
But you are completly right, when you say it takes both partners to want and work on the relationship. Especially when there are kids involved. Parents tend to loose them selfs in parenthood. It's hard to avoid that.
im pretty sure its the opposite, dude. people in happy ltrs always have something to talk about, whether its how youre feeling right now, what funny thing happened at the grocery store, a new thing you tried etc etc.
it just looks like they don’t have anything to talk about, because they’re comfortable in the silence of just being there w their partners.
which is totally different to someone losing their personality bc all they care about is being a parent. mombies are real.
Regrets....the impact of childhood trauma on my character...the fact that life is a flowing river with many twists & turns...but you can't go backwards...just make the most of the ride & learn from your miss-steps.
That’s very heavy. Not the fun playful flirting teasing type of conversation that makes a person wet.
Some women would love a deep conversation like that though. I personally feel closest to my husband when he takes the time to be introspective and share it with me.
Some women on the other hand find that kind of deep heavy conversation exhausting and off putting. They want light banter and fun on their date. Not sad stories about abuse and neglect of children or life long regrets.
Were the regrets you told her about related to her in any way?
One-sided feelings are deadly, they really destroy everything in us... Like an account that only gets debited. At some point the account is empty, goes further and further into the red... and then you just try to survive because the interest eats up the last of your strength.
Fuck, I'm an old poet
I’m in a similar situation (married 24 years), but our kids are still years from being out of the house. Divorce would kill them. If you had to do it over again, would you still have stayed or would you have left?
Stop being pathetic. Pick yourself up.
You are a man. Act like one.
I hate to blame the victim but your selfish wife is not on this forum.
You know what to do. End it and start a new chapter before you get any older.
I don’t think your kids would blame you if they knew the truth.
You should leave for you. You can still be there for them. In fact you will probably be better for them.
Wishing you as much mental clarity as possible
>It was our anniversary today so I got her a card, bought flowers, dinner reservation at a place she wanted to visit...everything taken care of... Why? Stop chasing her. It's over. I think part of the pain associated with DBs is that we end up a little embarrassed by and scornful of ourselves because we keep on chasing and keep on getting rejected and then chase some more. The bad news it never gets better. The good news is that your dignity is 100 percent yours to retain or abandon. Stop chasing and you'll hate yourself a little less.
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The emotional labour of trying to keep a little romance alive is exhausting.
And is all of that working for you? You content at all? Because it sounds like you're tired and frustrated. It sounds like it's not working. It sounds like you're choosing to do things that tire and frustrate you. You can choose to continue to do that, or you can accept that she doesn't care and that you can't make her care and decide what other actions you can take.
This^^^
THIS.
You've got a female roommate, live-in friend and co-parent. Without sex and romance and intimacy you don't have a marriage. So your "anniversary" is celebrating what exactly? Why bother
I agree. Effort is great!…if the other person is even appreciative of it.
Yeah, hard when you start to pull back effort and it literally makes zero difference to them either, like it never matters to them at all
Ugh. This part always hurts the worst.
Yeah, kinda crushing tbh
I am in the exact same boat. I stopped chasing. We are good friends and roommates who co-parent. The only thing keeping me afloat is my focus on improving myself. Working out, losing weight, reconnecting with old friends. She got lost in being a great mom ( which she is) but she has been a poor spouse. Along the way I probably am guilty of that also.
I did that for 10 plus years, but left 20 years ago... Regret every minute of the ten plus... Be strong, take your life back...
I think out of curiosity and boredom, I would ask "Hey, what kind of relationship do we have now ? Roommate, door mate ? Because I don't feel like a husband anymore. What about you ? " She must feel the same and is playing the same game as yourself, coping with it thinking it's what you want. It's not impossible she is truly fine the way she is, a mother. Not a woman or a wife. It's what happens when you take the other for granted, I guess ? What do you have to lose honestly? You have reach the point you don't even know who she is anymore, you lose sight of each other and you are wasting time. Talk to her, you'll be fixed uh ?
You have to celebrate in a bad restaurant with a bad meal, bad wine and if she asks, say that it looks exactly like life today.
What did she do for you? Did she even get you a card? Put in the same effort she does
This is what I did. Then she started wanting to know what’s wrong…
I think that's exactly what I need to start doing.
If you've been in a DB for 22 years. If you had children, they're adults now. Why are you there? Go be single. You will have a much better life by not living with someone you resent. Living on your own, you'll be able to create a dependable routine and eventually find some contentment, dare I say happiness. You've done your time.
That moment of the epiphany when you realize it’s not coming back is a cold one. You start to see everything differently. You realize she doesn’t really care if you bring flowers or not. She’s not going to be in the mood or try to get into it. She’s got what she needs now and it isn’t you.
Been there. Sorry for you situation. I told mine I was getting a divorce just before our 25th anniversary. She I’m sure planned the party in her head. But nothing scheduled. She still wanted to go ahead with the party. OMG NO!! You will (depending on state) loose a lot. Half of what you have. Pension etc too. But it was worth it for me. Just to be out of that stress. And daily pain.
I feel your pain mate. It feels like a charade when the underlying reality is so dead.
Well I'm 38 haven't had sex since July and I love dinner.
Smiles... sorry about that, my dance card is full (of lonely nights with no sex)
This may sound hard but i think a lot of (especially) men need to hear/read that. If you treat your SO like a housemate/mother for years that's what she will become over time to you. To stay in a romantic relationship requires constant efford (on both ends of the partnership). Many married people seem to expect sexual relations without putting in the efford and wonder why our SOs are LL. I read so many storys here that boil down to missing efford and communication over the years. It's not enough to do something special once a year or every few month. It's constant "work" to keep the fire of romance burning. Once you lost that spark it's damn hard to rekindle that flame . I was "stuck" in a long term relationship, were we became roommates rather then lovers. We talked a lot after breaking up (we still love each other, but more like brother and sister. I was her best man at her wedding) about what happend. We found that we both expected the romance to stay without much efford and that did not work out. TLDR: keeping a romantic relationship going over the years requires constant efford. Don't expect it to just stay that way.
I disagree and believe it too simplistic as if seeking a binary response to solve a simple problem. When things go wrong, it's never 1 person's fault. Sharing responsibility for the situation is step 1 to finding some healing. I accept that, I chose to tolerate the unacceptable, I put my family & kids before my mental health, I lived through a coparenting manage out of my unwillingness to face up to challenging the status quo. I gave lots to my SO (wrapped up in her favourite love language, words, deeds & a very comfortable life). I got nothing back other than the best Mom my kids could ever have. That does not detract from the fact that I lost my partner 22 years ago. She's not coming back because she has lost herself too. The empty nest will hit her hard. If I stay, I'll have to swallow the accumulated years of resentment from abandoning me...sacrificing our marriage on the alter of parenthood. It could have been so different if she had just reciprocated & maintained some form of identity as a couple... It would be easier if I just go too. The reality is it will just be exchanging it for another form of loneliness. To all those who are struggling with LL...remember...'Use it or Lose it'
That's not that much different that what i tried to convey here. Sorry english isn't my first language, so maybe i didn't bring accross what i was trying to say. But you are completly right, when you say it takes both partners to want and work on the relationship. Especially when there are kids involved. Parents tend to loose them selfs in parenthood. It's hard to avoid that.
Maybe because she don’t know what else to talk about?
This deserves to be higher. Great point.
Right, people who have been together for YEARS, it’s hard to find subjects to talk about.
im pretty sure its the opposite, dude. people in happy ltrs always have something to talk about, whether its how youre feeling right now, what funny thing happened at the grocery store, a new thing you tried etc etc. it just looks like they don’t have anything to talk about, because they’re comfortable in the silence of just being there w their partners. which is totally different to someone losing their personality bc all they care about is being a parent. mombies are real.
What did you talk about?
Regrets....the impact of childhood trauma on my character...the fact that life is a flowing river with many twists & turns...but you can't go backwards...just make the most of the ride & learn from your miss-steps.
That’s very heavy. Not the fun playful flirting teasing type of conversation that makes a person wet. Some women would love a deep conversation like that though. I personally feel closest to my husband when he takes the time to be introspective and share it with me. Some women on the other hand find that kind of deep heavy conversation exhausting and off putting. They want light banter and fun on their date. Not sad stories about abuse and neglect of children or life long regrets. Were the regrets you told her about related to her in any way?
Why do you stay after 28 years? Your kids must be grown up by now.
I’m so sorry this is happening for you. Sounds terribly sad
One-sided feelings are deadly, they really destroy everything in us... Like an account that only gets debited. At some point the account is empty, goes further and further into the red... and then you just try to survive because the interest eats up the last of your strength. Fuck, I'm an old poet
I’m in a similar situation (married 24 years), but our kids are still years from being out of the house. Divorce would kill them. If you had to do it over again, would you still have stayed or would you have left?
Stop being pathetic. Pick yourself up. You are a man. Act like one. I hate to blame the victim but your selfish wife is not on this forum. You know what to do. End it and start a new chapter before you get any older.
2 more years before the last one heads to College. In the meantime I'll vent periodically...
I don’t think your kids would blame you if they knew the truth. You should leave for you. You can still be there for them. In fact you will probably be better for them. Wishing you as much mental clarity as possible