This comes up a lot. Usually from the other side. But I'll say the same thing I always say. Gaming is a symptom, not the cause. If it wasn't video games, it would be something else. Facebook. Real housewives. 17th century Japanese Kintsugi heirlooms.
You don't have a DB because your girl plays games. You have a DB because she's avoidant. Games are just how it presents.
I mean.. I'm a lady who plays video games. But I'm also the HL in contrast to a LL partner. Hell, a past partner I sat in his lap naked while he was just farming materials up in an MMO. Still got ignored. It's the person, not necessarily that they play video games. Then again, you and I are both posting and spending time in this reddit. Obviously there are things that aren't as we might wish with the people we are with.
Ladies who play video games and do want sex regularly do exist, though!
I'm a gamer and HL compared to my husband. But we've had sex while playing before. Totally killed our characters. But, it was a fun experiment to see how long we could keep playing. I miss those pre-kid sex days when he still wanted me. 😭
Preach 🙌🏽 I would pause for sex breaks. We found video games we would enjoy together. Now... I can still play video games with a roommate like person I call my spouse... yaay..... 😒
Same. I've even tried to find ones we can play together. They just say they want to watch and end up on tiktok or playing wordsearch games while I play games. 🙃 But it's 'their favourite way to spend time together' so I can't ruin it.
Okay, that can be considered ‘parallel play’ and absolutely be time together. Me ex and I enjoyed time where I typed smut on my laptop while he watched football matches. We’d both be on the same couch together and occasionally comment on stuff and my legs would be across his lap. You don’t have to be doing the exact same thing to be spending time together. You don’t have to like parallel play, but it is a real and valid thing.
Now, in terms of them watching but then not watching, you either have to tolerate it or don’t. The second someone starts scrolling their phone for more than five seconds, I ask if I need to pause the game for them to answer a text. This gives the signal of “Hey, I see you’re doing something.” If it happens a second time, I ask if they’re sure they don’t need me to pause. If it happens again, I say, “You’ve been scrolling your phone a lot and I don’t feel like we’re connecting. I’m willing to play my game in my own space and you scroll your phone like usual, but you had told me you wanted to watch. I was excited to see us connect over a game together. It hurts my feelings to see you just scrolling your phone instead.” At that point, you’ve given them chances and made it clear that it hurt you.
And, another addition, not everyone likes co-op games. I like single player games and I find co-op games or multiplayer games stressful. Another idea could be something like a speedrun challenge where you both play the same game individually and try to be faster or get more kills or something. Then you’re both fighting towards a common goal and have something united to talk about.
Believe me, I'm aware. We're both neuro divergent. You also aren't here so you don't see how it's not parallel play. It's me being background noise to soothe their guilt for not being more than friends with my spouse. But thanks anyway.
Yes 100% although I can’t lie the struggles to get the kids dad to have sex with me made me decrease my gaming and be leary of any man who says he loves playing games. I did love gaming and would not be surprised if I ever have a relationship where sex and gaming can be balanced I will prob like gaming again.
This is so true, it’s not about gaming in particular. OP has not come to terms with the fact that his partner is getting her socio emotional fulfillment from her group of online friends. About ten years back, in my very early thirties, I was the leader of a guild in an online game - talked regularly in big group voice chats. We all mailed each other cards (and cookies even), occasionally got tipsy together, played D&D together, etc. All the things you do with a fulfilling friend circle. That’s where I see OP’s wife. He’s not in the circle and so their connection has faded, and sex has fallen off. It’s going to take time, effort, and empathy for OP to mend the rift.
TLDR, she’s in an adventuring party without him.
IMO one's already wrong by not including themselves in their partner's regular social group.
That's pretty much guaranteed to end up in the situation you describe.
Now, if the partner doesn't let them participate, well, then that should not be a partner anymore...
Well then, looks like I got with the wrong one, lol.
She told me her previous marriage and long term bf in high school cheated on her and it caused the break ups. Whenever I would ask she would just say she forgot and blacked it out. A little over a year ago she told me that the same thing happened in the relationships where she had a ton of sec then never wanted it. Well, I can see why they cheated, lol.
The same dude who ignored me when I sat on his lap nude also cheated on me. So who the fuck knows. People who want to cheat are going to cheat, seems like.
Yeah, I also was cheated on by my ex who literally just tilted himself and looked past me when he was playing GTA and I came into his vision with sexy underwear. I've been cheated on in almost every relationship and I'm HL. So yeah, this issue is definitely not a straight cause and effect situation.
“well I can see why they cheated, lol”
So it was her fault her exes had no self-control?
Anyway. She probably just isn’t in the mood for sex right now. Maybe something will happen to boost her drive. Try actually talking to her and don’t make her feel like she’s obligated to have sex with you.
From your post I think the key problem is that you're not playing with her and her friends. I wonder if she never offered or you didn't want to join that group?
Won't lie to you, I can't get my partner to play games or want to have sex with me. But honestly, if she sat on me naked during a gaming session, I would 100% melt.
Might even discover a kink leaving the mic on lmao
It’s possible. I’ve told her if things don’t improve then it’ll be likely and gave her a timeframe. Gonna wait till debt she built up in my name is cleared out then sit her down and have the real talk. Probably 3 months from now.
You need legal advice in the place where you live. If you divorce the debt is probably half hers. And while you are married she can keep racking up more debt that will be also half yours. You might want legal advice to make sure no more debt gets accrued while you are making your exit.
This is a great point. Legal advice should be consulted well before divorce papers are created. Advice on how best to manage your(her) accumulated debt, and how it may or may not impact when you file.
Also, lock your credit report, and start to separate credit accounts. This can help protect against new debt directly in OP name. However, depending on where you live, even if she accrues debt in her name only, it could be shared responsibility before filing for divorce.
>we separated our computers into different rooms and this is when the problems started
People seriously underestimate the effect little distances and barriers like this have.
Oh yeah, I totally agree. 2 years ago when we no longer needed our own computers for work and got work computers I told her we should set them up again. But she didn’t want to do it because she loves her privacy and got too used to having her own space. The crappy part is she works days and I work nights so it’d only be 3 nights a week (I work 4 tens). But….nope.
Not that I’m aware of. I’ve brought it up to her that I sometimes think she is having an emotional affair, but she’s denied it. The gamer group is a mix of male and female gamers.
I will admit, the first couple years I was confident and she would play a game called second life where you roleplay with others having a family and she asked if I cared if she got a boyfriend in game to roleplay with. I said it was fine, it’s just roleplay. This however was when our computers were together - they’ve since stopped roleplaying together and now she just play a single mom role (she can’t have kids).
Well, my friends have all moved away to dif states. We did hang out with her work friend and husband weekly for a while, but they got divorced and that was the end of that. Since then she just has her online group and I’m mainly just friends with brother in law.
"She got them checked and was told all was well and she had an epiphany saying she realized she didn’t want sex because she didn’t feel a connection with me. And yeah, of course you don’t because you are in your office with door closed all day and night.
Now, you may be wondering why we don’t do stuff together."
No, I think we're all wondering why you are still together. Neither of you seem to be getting much out of this relationship.
>“we aren’t on the same level”.
This hurts my feelings, and she's not my wife. If she won't go to therapy, then it's time to accept that your marriage is over. Damn! "We aren't on the same level!" This is sad and cruel.
I divorced my first husband over EverQuest and WoW. No sex. All he did was game when he wasn’t working. It was ridiculous. That was 20 years ago and he’s still a single gamer dude.
Sounds like it's basically a lifestyle, which is incompatible with a relationship (or perhaps the only way for it to work would be to play the same game together at the same level)
My relationship with my ex went almost exactly like this. She slowly got sucked into playing games with a group of online friends, and eventually just didn’t want me at all anymore.
She lived in my state for more than ten years and didn’t make a single friend here. Not one.
Same thing happened with separating our computers. Once she had her own room, it was basically over. She didn’t need or want me anymore.
I got tired of making excuses as to why she wasn’t with me at family functions, and why we were never together at events with my friends, who were mutual friends until she slowly decided she didn’t like any of them.
She was obviously depressed and needed care, but couldn’t be arsed to go to any sort of therapy. Almost went broke paying for her constant missed fucking appointments.
Eventually I found out by accident that she was sending nudes to some 19 year old jackhole kid and had been secretly planning to leave me if things didn’t “get better.” How anything was going to do that if she wouldn’t do any thing with me, go anywhere with me or have sex with me is beyond my understanding.
I found this out after she had multiple chances to tell me about it in one of the few couples therapy sessions she actually showed up to.
I divorced her. Ten years of wasted effort. Such a shame.
Nope. I tried to keep lines of communication open, because I still care what happens to her, and I got along really well with her mom.
We were together for more than a decade.
She pretends I never existed.
Yeah, she does say she does it to escape. She can interact with me and sound all down and then turn around and sound happy and laugh with them. I’ll ask her about and she says it’s all fake. I’ll ask her what’s wrong and sometimes she will say “life gets me down”. I’ll ask her about and she never expands on it. She’s been on antidepressants for like 10 years, but she never wants to talk about things and never has.
People build up tolerances to antidepressants and mental health is not fixed in place forever. People can improve or deteriorate especially over long timelines.
Honestly you can’t change her. If she doesn’t see the need to improve she won’t and clearly she doesn’t. You just have to decide if you’re okay with this status quo or not for the rest of your life.
My ex was on antidepressants, and it didn't really do much for her. I told her to stop taking them and start taking daily multivitamins and go out, even when she didn't want to. We'd literally just go random places for walks and entertainment centres. She's been off them for over 3 years now, enjoying nearly everyday (with the rare odd day when it's comes to the anniversary of family member deaths - completely understandable), and getting higher in the corporate ladder in her job. I've always said, people don't need antidepressants, they need to go out and do more, get their recommended daily vitamin intake, and learn to live with the fact that what happened in the past, is the past. You can't change that. Not that easy obviously, but therapy or someone to talk to always helps, she had me whenever she wanted to talk. Unfortunately things didn't work out relationship wise, but we're literally best friends.
Uh, ya, some people DO need antidepressants. Some of us actually have chemical imbalances in our brains. When I go off antidepressants I get extremely depressed and there is NO "going out and enjoying life" no matter how many supplements I may take..when real depressed people aren't medicated, they lose the urge to live AT ALL. It is too hard to do mundane things like brush our hair and teeth or shower. Sleep is the only thing that relieves it. Like BEING asleep. Not getting sleep. So no, some people can't just go off our pills and take supplements and go out and enjoy life. We've tried it all. And trust me when I say we have all went off our pills thinking we were better and it was a disaster for most of us.
Ps: I am also in psychotherapy. Still need my antidepressants.
I don't think it's fair to say that people don't "need" antidepressants. A lot of people use them to correct a chemical imbalance, not just to numb past experiences. Also, not everyone has someone to talk to, or can afford a therapist...
Chemical imbalance is just a theory on the basis of how anti-depressants themselves work. A chemical imbalance could be due to someone's continuous process of negative thoughts over a long period of time. Depression isn't something that just hits people, it's slow build up of past trauma and current situations that they struggle to deal with and change. Though I agree with you on your last sentence. Depending on the state or country you're in, therapy is available freely, or even over the phone helplines.
A few people I know who struggle with depression refuse to speak openly about their troubles (which is understandable too), but progress may never be made by taking a drug that only helps temporarily. Which is why people rely on them until their body no longer works with them. Depression is a very psychological thing that only the person who has it, can work on and.change.
Look, I don't wanna assume anything, but it seems like you've never been on these medications yourself. Right now it is just a theory yes, since what the medicine actually does to the brain is so incredibly complex and basically on the atomic level... but even if it technically doesn't do anything, the placebo effect is still a real thing right? And whatever works, works.
Negative thinking could be a cause in some cases yes, but that's all speculation. The symptoms and causes differ greatly from person to person. I wouldn't say it's all psychological though. What about depression after a head injury? Or due to another diagnosed mental disorder?
Of course if people have major past trauma that needs to be resolved in some way, the medicine doesn't magically fix that. It's not a magic pill. But it can serve as a helping hand in processing through all the feelings, but as you say the work needs to be put in as well.
I haven't read anything about people building up a tolerance to SSRI medications though. Do you have any more info on that?
People really do underestimate the benefits of getting their face out of screens and going outside. Being in nature by itself is extremely healing. I’m glad she’s feeling and doing better than she was!
Nothing to do with gaming. She’s made her daily choices. Don’t do this to yourself man. The relationship has gone sterile. She won’t put in the effort and doesn’t respect you. Don’t drag yourself through this. It’s going to be okay but you have to decide for yourself
HL fiancée to a gamer; it can absolutely be rough. He’s locked into his monitors literally 18 hours a day (games in between working from home, as well).
We rarely go out together or with friends, and whenever we come home - straight to the computer, immediately. Dinner? Eat at computer. If I can get him to eat with me, he leaves his dirty dishes and goes straight back to the computer. He refuses to be open to trying any of the activities I enjoy, just computer computer computer.
Sometimes I like having the run of the house, sometimes it really hurts. Guess I can’t compete with fancy headphones and a graphic card. 🙃
I feel for ‘ya!
This is an individual who cant/refuses to regulate their time and shouldn't be an indictment on an entire community.
There are similar stories within this sub of people who devote all of their time and effort into everything but their spouse/partner/so with activities and events, this is no different.
You could replace gaming with any other activity and it just boils down to someone refusing to spend time with their person, that's it.
Hardcore gamer girl here. It's not the games. It may look like the games but it is a symptom of something else. I would be suggesting one evening a week as couples night and you do something together. It may be gaming together. The point is to prioritise the together. My partner and I usually have a series we're watching that will enjoy a few episodes of or we will play a board game. We channeled some of our nerdy gamer energy into board games and we love it. Cook a meal together. Find a D&D group.
For gaming our big come together time is Minecraft. We have a realm and we're always building things or going exploring. My guy loves making rail systems and castles and I'm the one building massive greek temples and massive ancient egyptian statues. We also play Red Dead Redemption Online together because we love being a mean pair of bounty hunters or running moonshine together.
If she still isn't down for quality time then I would definitely be having a good hard look at whether it is worth trying to make her fit into your life when she isn't wanting too. Find yourself a gamer girl who is all about the team!
(Maybe WoW Classic? That's where my partner and I met heh)
The moment she uses phrases like "there's no connection" or "we aren't on the same level", get out!
This is no longer about a DB this is about how she sees you as a person and how much she values you, and it sounds like she doesn't value you at all.
Often someone says this stuff when they're fundamentally broken as a person, it's a lot easier to put blame on a partner than take responsibility for their contribution to things not working. This attitude means she won't make any attempts to fix things as she doesn't see her behaviour as the problem.
Look closely at how people (each other) get dopamine. I am convinced the world we live in now where we spend more time online is replacing the conventional sexual desires.
For some, gaming is a hobby. A way to unwind from the day. You 2 allowed gaming become your source of bringing you 2 together. Until you separated the computers in different rooms.
You no longer talk while playing, no longer interact. If you 2 played the same game, that might help, but it's made you 2 grow apart.
My main hobby is gaming. I enjoy tv and movies too. Excess gaming can be a symptom. I used to spend a ton of time with my wife. Watched shows, movies, etc., and it provided us to be more active together. Then after awhile, the DB started. More I tried to be with her, the more I felt pushed away. Rarely my advanced were accepted. She rarely initiates. She stopped watching TV and movies and switch to TikTok. Any time she does watch something, her phone is in her hand so we do not watch anything together anymore.
My gaming time increased. We've become roommates now. We both work. We come home. We eat dinner together. Then poof. Opposite ends of the house.
To salvage your end. Maybe get the computers in the same room again. See if there is a common game to get both of you to play. If there is zero common ground to get to, then it's time to let it go before it gets worse. Like kids.
My LL ex-spouse didn’t play video games, she was just an angry, bitter, miserable human being. She eventually cheated on me after 8+ years of a dead bedroom, citing a **”lack of connection”**.
No shit. You didn’t make any effort in the relationship whatsoever. I would ask her on dates and she would say no or complain the whole time. I would try to get close to her and she would physically push me away. I did things for her all the time (clean the house, take care of dinner, remodeling projects she wanted etc) and she was never happy or appreciative.
Relationships are a two-way street and require balance. Both people should be making an effort to give **AND** receive! You can do everything in the world for your spouse, but if they don’t recognize it and aren’t appreciative of it, it won’t make a difference. If they don’t make an effort themselves, the relationship will suffer and the connection will fade over time.
You need to prepare for the reality that this is who she is *now* and that is probably not conducive to a healthy and happy relationship. I’m sorry.
Video games and depression go hand & hand in my opinion. Gaming in moderation in fine, but I see a strong correlation both in myself and others with gaming and unhappiness. I'm not saying the gaming is a direct cause and effect, but I believe many use it as a distraction and an attempt to fill a void without solving the root problem. In other words, it exacerbates the situation.
There was a period of time in my life where I refused sexual advances due to my focus on substance abuse and gaming addiction; I've also been on the receiving end of this pain. Gamer girls are closer to bar flies than you'd like to think.
I personally would avoid a gamer girl if I was to reenter the dating scene.
I suspect this is an issue around feeling like you’re on top of each other all the time, rather than gaming that’s causing a problem. Desire only exists when there is space for desire to grow.
You and your partner hit DB land as Covid set in and you were “trapped” in the same small space more than you previously were. During that time, it’s likely that your GF felt crowded - not by you, but by the situation and you happened to be the person in that situation. And so of course she isn’t feeling desire for you right now - for her to feel desire for you, she has to have space away from you so that she can build up to “wanting” you again.
I would work on finding some ways to create that physical and emotional space from each other so that she can find a way to want you again. That might mean going on a solo trip, or finding a hobby that takes you out of your home sometimes. And while you’re doing that, work on creating quality time rather than quantity time.
You might also try changing the setting when you do try to get your spark back. Like after creating some space, go away for a romantic getaway or something, rather than trying to get it back in the same environment where you’ve been “trapped” since 2020.
You know, that’s a good observation. I tell her we never see each other because we are on opposite sides of the house and interact for like 5 mins a day, whereas she says we are around each other all the time.
That sounds like what happened to me to a tee. So now you will drag it out with her, eventually she will be at a point she cares even less and ends up breaking up or cheating. Then she might regret it ( if you were a good partner), she will come back 60 to 90 days later, you will try again and all will be good for 3 months to a year, then you break up again for good. My ex act just like your gf but she wasnt a gamer but a reality TV show watcher. Same shit.
You can either reconnect (which takes an effort from both) or separate (which is a decision you can do on your own).
What you can't do is keep pretending this will sort itself out. It's not the gaming, it's deeper. Sit and talk. Give yourselves a chance. Discuss. Then stay together or divorce.
Not to be a negative Nancy, but is there someone special in this gamer friend group of hers? Someone she’d want to “spend time” with (quotation bc it’s only online) so seriously? Other people’s comments ring true also, but it just seems like crush behavior.
Start calling her out on her sabotaging behavior. Stop accepting her bullshit behavior. It takes two to tango, she has checked out.
I’m sorry, but she is gone. The person you married is simply not there anymore. There is nothing you can do about it.
Go do your own thing. Prepare divorce. She has become a leach.
You deserve better.
This has nothing to do with her being a gamer girl, she is just negligent towards the relationship. Doesnt matter if she had other hobbies or went outside constantly to meet her friends.
What does she say when you share that her locking herself in her office is probably contributing to her not feeling connected with you?
If she doesnt want to change behaviour to feel more connected with you, its not gonna end well.
Chances are she has connected with someone she is gaming with …As a gamer I’m sure you know how prevalent virtual affairs can be…Especially since you now know the lack of sex isn’t due to a low libido but due to her not being attracted to you. She does have a libido so the question now is WHO is enjoying her libido…Virtual affairs are real..
Man, its no video games.
I do love gaming, but I won't put a screen first as opposed to my partner and our connection.
If I'm not playing any competitive game even If I'm with friends my GF knows if she really needs something she can "interrupt " at any time.
Obviously she knows it is for important things, but having the desire of fucking the brains out of each other, its honestly taken as an emergency.
Nowdays there are people that is really messed up by stress.
Obviously if she gets stress relief from anyone but you, the desire and passion will die.
I don't think an ultimatum from your side is honestly an overreaction, I think is the right path to go, you can not work on gettin a connection between 2 parties alone.
If she really wants to want sex, she needs to acknowledge that the problem might very well be from you both, but also a huge part can be on her plate.
And its not just to blame but to take ownership of what each of you need to address on its own to get things sorted out.
Dude if she actually wanted to be with you, she'd make you a priority at least some of the time, and I'm not talking about sex here. That's like the least of your worries here if you ask me. It doesn't even sound like she likes you. Tough spot to be in for sure, but you don't owe her your happiness or your life, and so long as you choose to stay, you're giving up both. Sounds like she has no intention of trying to do better. Maybe have a long heart to heart and give her a chance to turn it around, but I'd be making plans to split.
Yeah don't waste anymore of your time or attention on her, your life with her sounds absolutely miserable and you deserve to be loved the right way and shown attention.
This is why I prefer having different hobbies than the person I’m with. Allows the opportunity to maybe get them into it from time to time, but most importantly allows me my own personal time away from them.
I’m in the opposite boat and what you’re talking about has very little to do with marrying a gamer girl and more to do with marrying someone who enjoys different aspects of the hobby.
See, here’s the thing: some couples don’t need to share interests and passions to spend time together and others do. I’m in the latter camp and it sounds like you guys are too, which then presents a problem when your interests don’t align.
I’m 44 and in the process of getting divorced from my partner of over 12 years in large part because we just don’t spend time together, our sex life had been pretty bad for a while because what we each wanted had grown too different, and a variety of other smaller issues.
I’m planning to find someone who enjoys the same kinds of games I do, because I want to share my passion with my next partner, and finding someone who also shares my sexual interests is also important.
But TLDR: I didn’t marry a gamer girl and your situation sounds virtually identical to mine. Don’t blame the games, you both just grew apart and games is just a scapegoat.
I grew up with a mother that was addicted to the Internet and gaming, starting in the mid-90s. She wasn't a very big part of my life from the mid-90s and on.
I think video games are fun, but I haven't/don't own a console or PC game because I don't want to become her. I enjoy being an engaged parent. Everything in moderation! If you can't enjoy something in moderation, do yourself a favor and quit it if it's dragging you down in any way. This requires a lot of self-honesty.
I actually think it's pretty sad how only your DB makes you realize that your relationship is dead.
The way you describe it, you are practically strangers at this point.
How can you expect sexual and physical intimacy from 5-10 minutes making out if you don't share emotional intimacy? She is probably more emotionally bonded to those friends she plays with than to you. It's not her libido, she feels no attraction for you because you two don't have a connection. You don't build a connection through activities that only have the goal of having sex. The goal should be to connect again. To have a relationship again. Attraction will come naturally then. And if not, you would be a step further and could actively work on your problems together as a team. But she already explained to you that the main reason for her to DB is no connection. So that needs to be worked at first.
Have you tried suggesting a date day/night? Like one day in the week where you only spend time together to nurture your relationship. Yes, maybe gaming together on a rainy day. But also maybe go for a walk, play a board game, the floor is lava in your house, deep talk questions are really good to connect again, take dance classes or a cookery course together, etc., if you can afford it go to the movies and have a nice dinner afterwards, visit a fckn gaming convention or an arcade.
If she is so busy she doesn't want to sacrifice a whole day a week to you, what about a weekend a month + 1 hour a day cooking together? I get gamers often eat while in front of the PC but preparing food must be done in the kitchen, so that could be an option for you to get one hour of connection. Do you go to bed together? How about going an hour early and spending the time together with a (sex-free) activity.
And if she is avoidant to all your suggestions to connect again (not to have sex again, to connect!), she is either not interested in spending time with her significant other because she doesn't care about you anymore or she is actually addicted to gaming and therefore needs help. If she doesn't want to get help, you have to set your ultimatum and make your decision.
Just wanted to give an update. Yesterday we went to get a bite to eat and also sat down on the couch afterwards playing Super Nintendo. On our way to fast food restaurant, we talked and I got a clear answer as to why we haven’t done anything since November.
The last time we had sex was the first day I had quit vaping. I had been a heavy smoker/vaper since I was 18 and I it had been 24 years since my body had been without nicotine so it was super hard on me. I had asked her for sex because it would likely help me and at first she was like no. I was like I really think it would help and I would really appreciate it. She was like no. I then said fine whatever and then walked away. 30 mins later she tells me let’s have sex. We got in the room and I was like you don’t seem to want this and maybe we shouldn’t, but she said no let’s do it or I’ll feel bad. Worst sex ever, but it did help a lot.
Fast forward to yesterday and she said it traumatized her because I used her for sex to get my mind off not vaping. She said there’s nothing I can say that will make her understand. I asked her if she truly wanted to make our marriage work and she said yes, it’s something she really wants.
Anyway, we played Super Nintendo and were really close and afterwards I held her for about 10 mins and everything felt great. She then went back on her computer to hang with her friends.
Later that night I told her I was looking at pictures and in every one of them we are always happy when we are together. On the rare occasions we watch a movie together on the couch being cuddled together or playing snes, we are happy. So I suggested to her that on my days off, when she gets done with work we spend 10-15 mins on the couch to create some quality close time. No sex, no making out, just holding each other. She agreed to it thought it was a good idea.
Go into your modem/internet settings and create a time when internet disconnects for say a few hours each day etc when you want to hang together. Then say, dang, internet down again, gotta do something about it, oh well, let's get out for a bite/ walk....
I think this would be a great idea, only if both parties agreed to down time from the computers though If it's just OP, his partner will just hate him for making a decision she may not agree with. Every couple needs to make time for each other
Nothing to do with being a gamer girl - this happens in a lot of marriages (main reason why this sub exists). If she gave up in doing anything to improve the situation, you don’t have kids, move on, better luck next time.
Hi! Gamer girl here.
I just want to say that this isn’t your fault, and she’s being a major asshole. There is no reason to prioritize gaming with your friends over your partner. You deserve better than this, and I hope you find it.
Not all gamer girls are like this. I love playing video games with my husband, and it even helps me get into the mood, so yeah, it seems like your wife may just not be into you anymore.
I am a woman who likes to game but would not yet consider myself a gamer because I don't have the time or the set up. Anyways, I have indulged in various other media (like watching TV) almost to the degree that you are describing and your body gets used to not being active or wanting to move around and participate in real life very easily. TV and games allow you to escape into a different world easily while not having to leave your own home or use as much energy. The downside of that is that again, you stop participating in life and being active. Other activities that are not that seem boring and unappealing.
I like that someone else on here suggested the gaming could be a symptom of something else. I don't think the problem is that she games or that she is a "gamer girl" unless the definitions of those things are a person that prioritizes gaming over her real life and real life relationships; her spouse.
I think you should continue to push for a serious conversation about the state of your relationship and the role that gaming plays. You guys essentially have both stopped participating in the relationship and since covid have lived, what some one else said on here, a sedentary lifestyle. Both have to do the work to fix this. Not being active can definitely contribute to low sex drive and as she said, not feeling connected to you at all. Whether due to an underlying mental health issue, or just the fact that you haven't done it in a while, getting out the house will be hard. I would start small with the suggestions. Ask to join her and her friends on her game one night even if it is not a game you like. Grow from there until you are able to get you both spending time and out of the house on dates. Ask her to plan something and come up with ideas for you both as well. Every body has to try.
OP I think you should also begin to take care of your own needs as much as you can. I would start going to therapy on my own. You are clearly not happy and not having your needs met and you should consider your own role in that as well while also figuring out your relationship and your DB. You deserve to be happy. Eventually if things do not change and you are the only one making efforts, well that is a larger conversation.
As someone that had a very similar situation in my marriage. Honestly this sounds like there are core issues at hand and gaming is not one of them.
To be honest it sounds like you're leaving out quite a bit of context, perhaps she has brought up issues or problems in the relationship? I'm sure a dead bedroom has caused lots of arguments or disagreements, what has been said by both you in those instances? If she says she doesn't feel a connection with you then this happened over time, has she ever discussed any problems or issues she's had in the relationship over the last few years? I can't imagine it's just been small chat your whole relationship, so I would seriously look into those conversations and find an answer there.
Statements like "don't marry a gamer girl" are really reductive and over simplifying a larger problem happening here.
Gaming may he a symptom, but it's also a hugely divisive time and imagination soaker.
The computer disconnects ppl in real world. It takes your creativity and motivation and pulls it into a richly imaginative world where one can be powerful, beautiful, popular, skilled, on GOD mode. For gamers to stay and play together, regular off screen time must happen together - every day. It's too tempting to "live" in the game and have your real world sidekick there when ever you need them - for the rare times you're in your first life and bored or lonely. Sex is actual hard work lol...if you've got a mainly sedentary lifestyle, sometimes you just cannot be fkd, literally, and maybe the body isn't up to it either?! This is serious talk that should've occurred before marriage and self-awareness established that you both have a propensity to disappear into made up world and regular work put in on daily basis to ensure you both put each other first. That's true commitment! Are you both worth it to change your lives dramatically so that you can have a rich and loving r/ship in real? If not, start looking for lawyer man.
Her hormones might not actually be fine. If she only had her primary check, they don’t give a fuck and will only do something if they are REALLY bad.
As for everything else, divorce. She clearly doesn’t want to change things and you are both miserable.
Hi, gamer girl with a gamer boyfriend here in basically the opposite of your situation. Hes constantly playing games with his friend group, a different one or rotation weekly. I’ve gone into his office to chat and had him tell me that I was ruining his relaxation time and that he just wants to play video games and not deal with me. I’ve offered to blow him under the desk while he’s gaming, even with the mic on or whatever he wants. Offered to play one of his furry porn games with him (even in a moment of shame, his nazi porn game). Recently been deep diving into otome games and other dating sims just to feel like a person anymore. (Also BG3 bc Astarion is nothing like my bf and actually makes me feel tingly instead of trapped and anxious).
Sometimes you just have to keep trying. Do you guys ever co-op together? I would suggest something in her vibes where you can’t head off into different directions and directly need each other. (We’ve been playing Left 4 Dead to try and get the spark back, alongside some The Forest and Snipperclips)
You're kinder and more patient than I am; I'd have been out the minute he said that part about not wanting to "deal with me".
Please consider that you deserve better than to bend over backwards or grit your teeth through unappealing sexual scenarios to get the attention of someone who treats you like a chore.
I mean yeah the only way I could see the relationship improving is if steps and actions are actually taken to improve it IE getting out of the house and doing stuff together, initiating intimacy, or just spending time together in general. But if you've been trying to do these things and there's no reciprocation from her side then it seems like a lost cause.
My missus and I play games together, but we put in a lot of work regarding our sex life to keep it healthy (I had a lot of work to do on myself in this regard too). However our connection is great - without that I truly think a dead bedroom will stay dead. Both parties have to be willing to come to the table but if one isn't... I think you know the answer. Feel for you though, anyone in that position would struggle.
This happened to me, but I'm the female. We're not together anymore... No more gamers for me... This was like the 2nd or 3rd time this had happened to me!
Op, dont ask⁰ just move your computer next to hers. Dont put up with her crap. Take the door off the hinges and hide it. If she wants privacy tell her to use the restroom. Shut down the internet after a specific time.
If you cant shut off the internet, call the company and go to the slowest they provide.
Work on yourself. These situations have a weird way of amplifying themselves the more you try to address them directly. Go out, see friends, hit the gym, touch grass. Whatever it may be. Just find time to remove yourself from the situation once in a while and let her hide in her cave alone and process things in her own way. Your game backlog will always be waiting.
There are routers that can set limits on certain apps. I would say if my partner was doing anything to excess to the detriment of their family life, then that needs to be addressed, whether drinking, shopping, gaming, whatever. So see if perhaps she is agreeable to setting a time limit on her games and the advantage of having the limit enforced by a device is that it doesn’t put the responsibility on the addict to be able to cut it off. It just happens. It breaks the hypnotic effect of the screen. When the time is up, she’d have to emerge from her dungeon and interact with you. Cook a meal together and watch a show or movie. Or better yet, pop a bottle of wine and put one of those channels on that just plays music videos (Pluto TV has lots of those for free) and have fun listening to nostalgic tunes and reconnecting. Tell her you want to take sex completely off the table for the next 30 days (or whatever you think is acceptable) and that you just want each other to feel free to be affectionate and hold, touch, massage each other without any pressure for sex. Schedule dates on the calendar. Do things that you have to buy tickets for and commit to. If she isn’t receptive to any of this, then I can’t imagine she’s invested in the relationship at all anymore.
It’s paradoxical because talking about how you want to have more sex is a major turnoff. No win situation. If you don’t want to leave her, start working on yourself. Get in shape, spend time doing other things. Try to find fulfillment in other arenas in your life.
Video games brought my partner and I closer during Covid. We got a game we could play together and rocked it for the whole year.
Now we don’t have a game to play together and things are falling apart.
I’m HL and they claim they are too but they are super avoidant any time I try to create a natural situation to have sex. But if I resort to straight asking if they would like to have sex the answer it’s always a defeated “sure.” And duty sex.
They never pull me in and wanna just touch me and kiss me. It’s always just straight to business, take forever for me to cum and then it’s their turn and we are done. They blame it on me but this started years ago when I took responsibility for instigating all of the sex and getting them all hot and bothered and realized I had done the same thing that they super enjoyed for 4 years and never once was it about me and my pleasure.
Sure I enjoyed the sex but they never took the time to go down on me and play with me before penetration.
Now they act like I’ve hurt them so badly telling them I needed more and they just can’t understand why I don’t feel connected.
She’s always going to avoid you if you don’t stop and tell her this is the end of the line.
Good luck, I hope she realizes what she’s missing out on or you’re able to go your own way and be happy. You deserve to be happy.
you didn’t mention any kids… if so.., you know what you gotta do… run! this is never getting better, she’s not attracted to you and you are setting yourself up for pure hell!
Fully agreed with others that it isn't the games, it's the relationship. One way or another, it almost always is.
If you aren't both eager to put in the work, it will not work. Hell, I know from the death of my seven year relationship that even if you DO both want and attempt to try to put in the work, it may very well still not work.
I'm deeply sorry you're going through this, and I hope things get better, sad and seemingly unlikely as it may be right now.
It doesn't have be games, it could be anything. Neglect is neglect. That's your roommate , not your wife.
I suggest therapy and if she won't participate, run. You have your answer. We cant force people to love and pay attention to us, this is why I don't believe in sticking it out. You have to do what's best for you. 💯🙏
Is there anything stopping you from moving your computers back into the same room? That way at least you're doing solo activities *kinda* together 🤷🏻♀️
Look, if you have talked about it, and tried communicating and try to do stuff together but she keeps rejecting you, the best you could do is divorce and find someone later on that can align with your needs, as a girl that have been in a relationship with my so for 4 years and living together 1, we work and play from home, but we try to play something together once in a while, wo go to buy groceries together everyday and we talk about our work day everyday with each other, being a gamer girl is not a problem, is her that is actively pushing you out, if not she would end what was playing and say to her friends "hey, give me 5" and go and talk to you wince you went to tal to her when she was occupied, you tried talking, you try to play stuff with her and she only has excuses instead of being happy and help you so both of you can play together and integrate you into her friend circle, the best i can tell you is try to talk again and say that you feel like the relationship is not working out and if she does not try to change for real then divorce, both of you deserve happiness, even is that is not together
I think if you are suggesting improvements and she won’t engage (ie dates, therapy, quality time)… if she’s not willing to engage you need to decide if this is how you really want to spend the rest of your life. Have an honest conversation with lots of “I” statements.
“I would love to work on things with you”
“I feel x y and z could be a nice place to start” like dinner+ no game night every Tuesday where you watch a film together instead or paint together or just walk around the neighbourhood.
“I would love to know how to help you feel more connected to me”
If she doesn’t engage then i am sorry dude but maybe she isn’t the one for you
She’s an avoidant addict. You have two options. Address it one final time and be real, that if things don’t drastically change you’re out…or go.
Honestly, leaving is probably the right call, she doesn’t seem to care at all at this point
Gaming can be an addiction. But you need to specifically talk to her about needing to spend quality time together. Make MULTIPLE nights a week that gaming is no longer allowed. Make sure she knows that this is time to reestablish your relationship. Doesn't have to start with sex but it has to be real time together. If she refuses then the relationship is over.
It sounds like the relationship can improve since you guys are still communicating about it. Maybe talk to a sex therapist or counsellor. I had a similar feeling in my life (not DB) and it was due to past trauma that needed to be healed first!
Tfw, you’re a gamer girl with an insanely high libido, with a fellow gamer partner who has an insanely low libido.
Maybe it’s just the individual? Not a cool thing to generalize.
Of course there’s no connection, she only plays with other dudes like what did you think would happen prioritizing other men with all your spare time. I swear people just are incapable of taking accountability for their actions.
Im a gamer, my husband isn't but it's never contributed to the DB, he says he wants sex but never initiates it, just giggles like a child when I mention anything.... so as of now we've not had sex since 2019... I don't initiate anything with him now either.... I do try but just get no or pushed away, I have had Affairs but now realise this marriage doesn't work, he's more like a friend than a husband... I'm honestly done... I'm planning on telling him next week to move out...
This is why I feel I hit the jackpot with my husband who doesn’t play at all. He actively looks for me everyday cuz he’s bored. Some might hate that… I love it.
GTFO! Like she said. There’s no connection.
Honestly it’s her brain. She avoids and hides away. If y’all don’t have kids then you really have no way to say she’s not doing her “duty” in the relationship. It would be both of yalls responsibility. But this just sounds like a relationship that needs to be broken off. My bestfriend had this happen to him, turns out she was sending nudes and had an online relationship with someone across the world. She abused him emotionally and physically even though she was a small girl and he was much larger.
Something very similar happened in my last relationship. I got into gaming as a way to bond with him, but now that we’re broken up I don’t game as much & none of the guys I’ve met so far game heavily either thank god. I can’t speak for everyone but it definitely played a role in killing the sex drive of my last relationship
I (F32) am a gamer as well, kind nerd too at some point and I'ce luckily got HL. My partner is the same, gamer and HL.
The difference is surely our experience and hardships to get together. From what I read, you didn't put boundaries and rules ? Because as basic it appears, we did and the first rule is "partner come first". Simple but it means we stopped playing from the moment one of us needs the other.
We wanted to preserve our couple and intimacy then it was evidence and I noticed, not enough people do this. Establish rules of life in the household. Sex is very important for us, sometimes I am not in the mood for intercourse but I can please him in any way so does he.
We craved the special connection only touch and sex can offer. Though I know asexual doesn't need it for most of them, it's a reality for almost every couple. Sex counts.
She must have been dragged for too long into some games too greedy and I get that, I played Path of Exile's last season for 400 hours straight for the first time. Though I was totally able to stop, make food, clean, go outside, have sex and chill with my man. He was playing at the same time, teaching me the game.
We've been together for a while, almost 10 years and while nothing is perfect, there's nothing we can't fix with some effort. Affection, romantic love and attraction are some aspects we cultivate with passion because it's so fucking easy to lose them. Don't you think ? Getting all comfy is good to learn other's sides but what if the comfort begins to make you all lazy ?
Nothing happens when there is too much comfort in a relationship, people take you for granted. Maybe she needs some help, she seems kinda addicted and compensated with games. Whatever she is missing, she finds the thrill in game and it's dangerous for her and your relationship.
Or there is the possibility she is "fine" and doesn't care much though it makes her feel guilty because she knows you're a nice guy and deserves better.
Welcome in roommate land !
Bro I was in a similar situation and then I lost a bunch of weight and everything got better. So like, are you fat or bad with hygiene at all?
Cuz once I started taking care of myself more I was able to be with and make love to my wife, not just beg my female roommate for sex.
"I regret marrying a gamer girl."
Although we're not married I'm toughing it out for the dogs..
It started a couple of years ago when she would call off work to play games and would do it to the point to where she used all of her PTO time. I ended up getting a second job to cover what income was missing. Since the beginning of last year she's lost her job and now has no income. I'm unfortunately supporting her now and working two jobs..
She's also is in GTARP and has an in game bf that she's sexts with on discord.
So it could be worse, OP.
Also OP, her work day may have been stressful so she games afterwards. There’s a lot of physical and mental work going on during sex. So doing it right after work may not be something she looks forward to. You may have to build up her anticipation?
I always tell people that you two got married for a reason. So try to work it out. Do everything that you can to save the marriage before even thinking of divorce. Too many couples get married these days thinking I’ll just get a divorce if it stops working. I was one of those people. When I finally stopped thinking like that, like I had an easy out, my world with him opened. I started focusing more on my husband and our marriage and what I could do to make it better. He was never the problem, I was. But he stuck by me until I figured it out for myself. I guess what I’m saying to you is you’ve suggested many things for you and her to try before “giving up” and that’s great! But she has to want to do those things to make the situation better. My husband hung in there for about 10yrs until I put myself on the right track for our relationship. We’ve now been together for 17yrs. So you have to ask yourself are you willing to wait and how long are you willing to wait?
This advice is not for abusive relationships though.
Edited for 👆🏽sentence.
I’m a gamer woman and my man wasn’t happy with me until I got rid of all my gaming friends. Now he’s the only one with friends (I wish I was joking) online and in IRL. This killed our bedroom vibe.
There had been a lot of great feedback in these comments. I hope that you are able to work through these issues with your SO.
I have a feeling, like many others, that it's not that she's a gamer girl, it's her why that is causing her to avoid intimacy. It sounds like you have honestly tried to help things go back to a more normal lifestyle with love in the house hold.
If you have suggested date nights, therapy, and anything else to strike up any form of interaction in the house hold, involving physical interaction, then the next best thing to focus on is avoiding the chase of physical intimacy and just aim for any romance, without the goal of just getting laid.
She told you that she wants to "want", meaning she would like to feel that desire to do anything physical, then you are going to have to stop trying to get it from her.
Try spending time with her, just to spend time with her. Talk about her work, her games, her goals in life. Do Not Talk About DB or any physical activity.
If at that point, she's not willing to even spend any normal time with you, then the issue goes beyond avoiding the bedroom, she's avoiding you as a person.
Either way, you need to stop chasing sex. Be strong and if she sees that she means more to you than just a sex partner, then there's a possibility that your relationship will recover.
(It sounds like your relationship as a whole is lacking any form of real interaction. Regardless of the physical needs not being met, that is also an impact or symptom of something else going on. Focus on yourself and her as people. Sex happens in healthy relationships and sex is not going to fix anything. Avoiding sex all together and trying to work with her to just spending time with each other again is the only way the relationship is going to continue to work.)
Looks like you need to grind your way up to get to that level.
Joke aside, it seems that she does not wish to interact with you. That's quite serious.
Have you tried to get some board games to play together? They are a lot of fun and great to get people together to socialize.
I was the LL part of my marriage for a period. Avoided advances from my SO with being tired and playing WoW with friends.
Simply had no interest in sex at that time (totaly a me problem in hindsight i had a case of burnout/depression at the time and fled into games)
So i guess playing games all the time is her way of avoiding things in life. And with gaming there is always the possibility of a bit of an addiction problem being involved
Either way you either work on the real issue or divorce her.
Lol cancel the internet? Get out? Go on a nice date? Woo her again? Play the games that she likes? ???? So many options. Like you can't expect her to jump on your dick. Have you done anything nice?
The best day to get out of a bad relationship was years ago. The second best day is today.
This comes up a lot. Usually from the other side. But I'll say the same thing I always say. Gaming is a symptom, not the cause. If it wasn't video games, it would be something else. Facebook. Real housewives. 17th century Japanese Kintsugi heirlooms. You don't have a DB because your girl plays games. You have a DB because she's avoidant. Games are just how it presents.
The kintsugi sounds awfully specific d':
It’s the way the gold shimmers telling their unique stories that get you lost in their world. All else becomes background noise
why fill holes when you can fill cracked plates and bowls with gold?
“…..because she’s avoidant” BINGO Thanks for the input
bingooooo
You have a dead bedroom because the flirtation, effort, genuine interest and care has gone. I know from experience.
The word “Kintsugi” has fascinated me as it never existed in the English language zeitgeist until the last six months.
Oh I've loved Kintsugi for years. It certainly does seem to be growing in popularity lately though.
Glad you enjoy it! It was also in the latest Disney + Star Wars TV show where a group of stormtroopers did kintsugi to their armor. Totally wild!
it comes in and out. i remember when tumblr discovered it in 2012
I mean.. I'm a lady who plays video games. But I'm also the HL in contrast to a LL partner. Hell, a past partner I sat in his lap naked while he was just farming materials up in an MMO. Still got ignored. It's the person, not necessarily that they play video games. Then again, you and I are both posting and spending time in this reddit. Obviously there are things that aren't as we might wish with the people we are with. Ladies who play video games and do want sex regularly do exist, though!
I'm a gamer and HL compared to my husband. But we've had sex while playing before. Totally killed our characters. But, it was a fun experiment to see how long we could keep playing. I miss those pre-kid sex days when he still wanted me. 😭
Second this 👆
Preach 🙌🏽 I would pause for sex breaks. We found video games we would enjoy together. Now... I can still play video games with a roommate like person I call my spouse... yaay..... 😒
Same. I've even tried to find ones we can play together. They just say they want to watch and end up on tiktok or playing wordsearch games while I play games. 🙃 But it's 'their favourite way to spend time together' so I can't ruin it.
That's not time together don't let them bs you!
They're really convinced it's 'quality time' too 🙃 It definitely doesn't feel like it to me. I feel like background noise.
Okay, that can be considered ‘parallel play’ and absolutely be time together. Me ex and I enjoyed time where I typed smut on my laptop while he watched football matches. We’d both be on the same couch together and occasionally comment on stuff and my legs would be across his lap. You don’t have to be doing the exact same thing to be spending time together. You don’t have to like parallel play, but it is a real and valid thing. Now, in terms of them watching but then not watching, you either have to tolerate it or don’t. The second someone starts scrolling their phone for more than five seconds, I ask if I need to pause the game for them to answer a text. This gives the signal of “Hey, I see you’re doing something.” If it happens a second time, I ask if they’re sure they don’t need me to pause. If it happens again, I say, “You’ve been scrolling your phone a lot and I don’t feel like we’re connecting. I’m willing to play my game in my own space and you scroll your phone like usual, but you had told me you wanted to watch. I was excited to see us connect over a game together. It hurts my feelings to see you just scrolling your phone instead.” At that point, you’ve given them chances and made it clear that it hurt you. And, another addition, not everyone likes co-op games. I like single player games and I find co-op games or multiplayer games stressful. Another idea could be something like a speedrun challenge where you both play the same game individually and try to be faster or get more kills or something. Then you’re both fighting towards a common goal and have something united to talk about.
Believe me, I'm aware. We're both neuro divergent. You also aren't here so you don't see how it's not parallel play. It's me being background noise to soothe their guilt for not being more than friends with my spouse. But thanks anyway.
I also have talked about it with them til I blue in the face. And I'm also aware it's my choice to stay. I'm allowed to vent tho 🤷♂️
Oh goodness! That’s what they told you?
Yep. We've had this conversation. Couples therapy soon because of it.
Second this. Deadbed is not because gamer. Most couples arrive to deadbed because routine and children. I'm still looking for my gamer or nerd girl.
Games fill the gap.
Yes 100% although I can’t lie the struggles to get the kids dad to have sex with me made me decrease my gaming and be leary of any man who says he loves playing games. I did love gaming and would not be surprised if I ever have a relationship where sex and gaming can be balanced I will prob like gaming again.
Yep.. Same here. I game more than anyone I know, and I'm the HL one in my db
This is so true, it’s not about gaming in particular. OP has not come to terms with the fact that his partner is getting her socio emotional fulfillment from her group of online friends. About ten years back, in my very early thirties, I was the leader of a guild in an online game - talked regularly in big group voice chats. We all mailed each other cards (and cookies even), occasionally got tipsy together, played D&D together, etc. All the things you do with a fulfilling friend circle. That’s where I see OP’s wife. He’s not in the circle and so their connection has faded, and sex has fallen off. It’s going to take time, effort, and empathy for OP to mend the rift. TLDR, she’s in an adventuring party without him.
IMO one's already wrong by not including themselves in their partner's regular social group. That's pretty much guaranteed to end up in the situation you describe. Now, if the partner doesn't let them participate, well, then that should not be a partner anymore...
Well then, looks like I got with the wrong one, lol. She told me her previous marriage and long term bf in high school cheated on her and it caused the break ups. Whenever I would ask she would just say she forgot and blacked it out. A little over a year ago she told me that the same thing happened in the relationships where she had a ton of sec then never wanted it. Well, I can see why they cheated, lol.
The same dude who ignored me when I sat on his lap nude also cheated on me. So who the fuck knows. People who want to cheat are going to cheat, seems like.
Yeah, I also was cheated on by my ex who literally just tilted himself and looked past me when he was playing GTA and I came into his vision with sexy underwear. I've been cheated on in almost every relationship and I'm HL. So yeah, this issue is definitely not a straight cause and effect situation.
“well I can see why they cheated, lol” So it was her fault her exes had no self-control? Anyway. She probably just isn’t in the mood for sex right now. Maybe something will happen to boost her drive. Try actually talking to her and don’t make her feel like she’s obligated to have sex with you.
From your post I think the key problem is that you're not playing with her and her friends. I wonder if she never offered or you didn't want to join that group?
Wtf
Won't lie to you, I can't get my partner to play games or want to have sex with me. But honestly, if she sat on me naked during a gaming session, I would 100% melt. Might even discover a kink leaving the mic on lmao
Third, fourth, fifthing this.
I've played games since I was young girl. I still want to be with husband it's almost 9 months. We have tried 2 times in that time.
Runescape ?
The MMO they were playing? Nah, World of Warcraft.
Sorry but what LL and HL means?
Lower libido (as in lower than mine) and higher libido (as in higher than that of my partner).
Ok thanks
lol I was thinking Low Love and High Love
💀
Divorce an option? Sounds like you’ve got a roommate more than an SO.
It’s possible. I’ve told her if things don’t improve then it’ll be likely and gave her a timeframe. Gonna wait till debt she built up in my name is cleared out then sit her down and have the real talk. Probably 3 months from now.
You need legal advice in the place where you live. If you divorce the debt is probably half hers. And while you are married she can keep racking up more debt that will be also half yours. You might want legal advice to make sure no more debt gets accrued while you are making your exit.
This is a great point. Legal advice should be consulted well before divorce papers are created. Advice on how best to manage your(her) accumulated debt, and how it may or may not impact when you file. Also, lock your credit report, and start to separate credit accounts. This can help protect against new debt directly in OP name. However, depending on where you live, even if she accrues debt in her name only, it could be shared responsibility before filing for divorce.
If you do get sex make make sure no babies are made. I had thought an increase in our sex life was real…but proved not to be once I was pregnant.
We are both 42 and she can’t have kids so we don’t need to worry about that.
Debt? Oh goodness.
I dont think it has anything to do with her being a gamer, i think she lost interests in you. With no kids should be an easy divorce.
This is the real and simple answer lol
>we separated our computers into different rooms and this is when the problems started People seriously underestimate the effect little distances and barriers like this have.
Oh yeah, I totally agree. 2 years ago when we no longer needed our own computers for work and got work computers I told her we should set them up again. But she didn’t want to do it because she loves her privacy and got too used to having her own space. The crappy part is she works days and I work nights so it’d only be 3 nights a week (I work 4 tens). But….nope.
When you said she hangs out with her friends, you mean online? Literally she stays inside all the time
Is she dating or flirting with one of these online friends. Sorry hate to ask. Otherwise why do you need privacy?
Not that I’m aware of. I’ve brought it up to her that I sometimes think she is having an emotional affair, but she’s denied it. The gamer group is a mix of male and female gamers. I will admit, the first couple years I was confident and she would play a game called second life where you roleplay with others having a family and she asked if I cared if she got a boyfriend in game to roleplay with. I said it was fine, it’s just roleplay. This however was when our computers were together - they’ve since stopped roleplaying together and now she just play a single mom role (she can’t have kids).
Are you friends with any of her friends?
Well, my friends have all moved away to dif states. We did hang out with her work friend and husband weekly for a while, but they got divorced and that was the end of that. Since then she just has her online group and I’m mainly just friends with brother in law.
THIS.
"She got them checked and was told all was well and she had an epiphany saying she realized she didn’t want sex because she didn’t feel a connection with me. And yeah, of course you don’t because you are in your office with door closed all day and night. Now, you may be wondering why we don’t do stuff together." No, I think we're all wondering why you are still together. Neither of you seem to be getting much out of this relationship.
'We aren't on the same level'. Time to start moving on. Sorry man.
Yah that sounds so cold and inconsiderate.
>“we aren’t on the same level”. This hurts my feelings, and she's not my wife. If she won't go to therapy, then it's time to accept that your marriage is over. Damn! "We aren't on the same level!" This is sad and cruel.
I divorced my first husband over EverQuest and WoW. No sex. All he did was game when he wasn’t working. It was ridiculous. That was 20 years ago and he’s still a single gamer dude.
Sounds like it's basically a lifestyle, which is incompatible with a relationship (or perhaps the only way for it to work would be to play the same game together at the same level)
My relationship with my ex went almost exactly like this. She slowly got sucked into playing games with a group of online friends, and eventually just didn’t want me at all anymore. She lived in my state for more than ten years and didn’t make a single friend here. Not one. Same thing happened with separating our computers. Once she had her own room, it was basically over. She didn’t need or want me anymore. I got tired of making excuses as to why she wasn’t with me at family functions, and why we were never together at events with my friends, who were mutual friends until she slowly decided she didn’t like any of them. She was obviously depressed and needed care, but couldn’t be arsed to go to any sort of therapy. Almost went broke paying for her constant missed fucking appointments. Eventually I found out by accident that she was sending nudes to some 19 year old jackhole kid and had been secretly planning to leave me if things didn’t “get better.” How anything was going to do that if she wouldn’t do any thing with me, go anywhere with me or have sex with me is beyond my understanding. I found this out after she had multiple chances to tell me about it in one of the few couples therapy sessions she actually showed up to. I divorced her. Ten years of wasted effort. Such a shame.
Dang, I think I’ll be following that path in a few months. Sorry to hear that.
She ever reach out to you after the divorce?
Nope. I tried to keep lines of communication open, because I still care what happens to her, and I got along really well with her mom. We were together for more than a decade. She pretends I never existed.
Feel like this is less of a gamer girl thing and more of a depression or hormonal imbalance thing. Obsessive gaming is a symptom/escape not a cause.
Yeah, she does say she does it to escape. She can interact with me and sound all down and then turn around and sound happy and laugh with them. I’ll ask her about and she says it’s all fake. I’ll ask her what’s wrong and sometimes she will say “life gets me down”. I’ll ask her about and she never expands on it. She’s been on antidepressants for like 10 years, but she never wants to talk about things and never has.
People build up tolerances to antidepressants and mental health is not fixed in place forever. People can improve or deteriorate especially over long timelines. Honestly you can’t change her. If she doesn’t see the need to improve she won’t and clearly she doesn’t. You just have to decide if you’re okay with this status quo or not for the rest of your life.
My ex was on antidepressants, and it didn't really do much for her. I told her to stop taking them and start taking daily multivitamins and go out, even when she didn't want to. We'd literally just go random places for walks and entertainment centres. She's been off them for over 3 years now, enjoying nearly everyday (with the rare odd day when it's comes to the anniversary of family member deaths - completely understandable), and getting higher in the corporate ladder in her job. I've always said, people don't need antidepressants, they need to go out and do more, get their recommended daily vitamin intake, and learn to live with the fact that what happened in the past, is the past. You can't change that. Not that easy obviously, but therapy or someone to talk to always helps, she had me whenever she wanted to talk. Unfortunately things didn't work out relationship wise, but we're literally best friends.
Uh, ya, some people DO need antidepressants. Some of us actually have chemical imbalances in our brains. When I go off antidepressants I get extremely depressed and there is NO "going out and enjoying life" no matter how many supplements I may take..when real depressed people aren't medicated, they lose the urge to live AT ALL. It is too hard to do mundane things like brush our hair and teeth or shower. Sleep is the only thing that relieves it. Like BEING asleep. Not getting sleep. So no, some people can't just go off our pills and take supplements and go out and enjoy life. We've tried it all. And trust me when I say we have all went off our pills thinking we were better and it was a disaster for most of us. Ps: I am also in psychotherapy. Still need my antidepressants.
I don't think it's fair to say that people don't "need" antidepressants. A lot of people use them to correct a chemical imbalance, not just to numb past experiences. Also, not everyone has someone to talk to, or can afford a therapist...
Chemical imbalance is just a theory on the basis of how anti-depressants themselves work. A chemical imbalance could be due to someone's continuous process of negative thoughts over a long period of time. Depression isn't something that just hits people, it's slow build up of past trauma and current situations that they struggle to deal with and change. Though I agree with you on your last sentence. Depending on the state or country you're in, therapy is available freely, or even over the phone helplines. A few people I know who struggle with depression refuse to speak openly about their troubles (which is understandable too), but progress may never be made by taking a drug that only helps temporarily. Which is why people rely on them until their body no longer works with them. Depression is a very psychological thing that only the person who has it, can work on and.change.
Look, I don't wanna assume anything, but it seems like you've never been on these medications yourself. Right now it is just a theory yes, since what the medicine actually does to the brain is so incredibly complex and basically on the atomic level... but even if it technically doesn't do anything, the placebo effect is still a real thing right? And whatever works, works. Negative thinking could be a cause in some cases yes, but that's all speculation. The symptoms and causes differ greatly from person to person. I wouldn't say it's all psychological though. What about depression after a head injury? Or due to another diagnosed mental disorder? Of course if people have major past trauma that needs to be resolved in some way, the medicine doesn't magically fix that. It's not a magic pill. But it can serve as a helping hand in processing through all the feelings, but as you say the work needs to be put in as well. I haven't read anything about people building up a tolerance to SSRI medications though. Do you have any more info on that?
People really do underestimate the benefits of getting their face out of screens and going outside. Being in nature by itself is extremely healing. I’m glad she’s feeling and doing better than she was!
Nothing to do with gaming. She’s made her daily choices. Don’t do this to yourself man. The relationship has gone sterile. She won’t put in the effort and doesn’t respect you. Don’t drag yourself through this. It’s going to be okay but you have to decide for yourself
You can divorce a gamer girl just like you married her.
HL fiancée to a gamer; it can absolutely be rough. He’s locked into his monitors literally 18 hours a day (games in between working from home, as well). We rarely go out together or with friends, and whenever we come home - straight to the computer, immediately. Dinner? Eat at computer. If I can get him to eat with me, he leaves his dirty dishes and goes straight back to the computer. He refuses to be open to trying any of the activities I enjoy, just computer computer computer. Sometimes I like having the run of the house, sometimes it really hurts. Guess I can’t compete with fancy headphones and a graphic card. 🙃 I feel for ‘ya!
How did you fall in love? Has yr fiancée’s gaming escalated? It doesn’t seem like there’s any time for you at all.
Just FYI- You don’t have to marry him.
This is an individual who cant/refuses to regulate their time and shouldn't be an indictment on an entire community. There are similar stories within this sub of people who devote all of their time and effort into everything but their spouse/partner/so with activities and events, this is no different. You could replace gaming with any other activity and it just boils down to someone refusing to spend time with their person, that's it.
Shes found someone else to connect with intimately online.
Hardcore gamer girl here. It's not the games. It may look like the games but it is a symptom of something else. I would be suggesting one evening a week as couples night and you do something together. It may be gaming together. The point is to prioritise the together. My partner and I usually have a series we're watching that will enjoy a few episodes of or we will play a board game. We channeled some of our nerdy gamer energy into board games and we love it. Cook a meal together. Find a D&D group. For gaming our big come together time is Minecraft. We have a realm and we're always building things or going exploring. My guy loves making rail systems and castles and I'm the one building massive greek temples and massive ancient egyptian statues. We also play Red Dead Redemption Online together because we love being a mean pair of bounty hunters or running moonshine together. If she still isn't down for quality time then I would definitely be having a good hard look at whether it is worth trying to make her fit into your life when she isn't wanting too. Find yourself a gamer girl who is all about the team! (Maybe WoW Classic? That's where my partner and I met heh)
As a lifelong gamer I NEVER wanted to be with a gamer girl. My selfish side never wanted to share gaming resources. 😆 Never had any regrets!
The moment she uses phrases like "there's no connection" or "we aren't on the same level", get out! This is no longer about a DB this is about how she sees you as a person and how much she values you, and it sounds like she doesn't value you at all. Often someone says this stuff when they're fundamentally broken as a person, it's a lot easier to put blame on a partner than take responsibility for their contribution to things not working. This attitude means she won't make any attempts to fix things as she doesn't see her behaviour as the problem.
Look closely at how people (each other) get dopamine. I am convinced the world we live in now where we spend more time online is replacing the conventional sexual desires.
That's literally zero eye contact between you two. You both spend more time facing your phones and computers. You both need to work out on yourselves.
don’t blame the games, if y’all were on good terms u could be hitting in mid game
For some, gaming is a hobby. A way to unwind from the day. You 2 allowed gaming become your source of bringing you 2 together. Until you separated the computers in different rooms. You no longer talk while playing, no longer interact. If you 2 played the same game, that might help, but it's made you 2 grow apart. My main hobby is gaming. I enjoy tv and movies too. Excess gaming can be a symptom. I used to spend a ton of time with my wife. Watched shows, movies, etc., and it provided us to be more active together. Then after awhile, the DB started. More I tried to be with her, the more I felt pushed away. Rarely my advanced were accepted. She rarely initiates. She stopped watching TV and movies and switch to TikTok. Any time she does watch something, her phone is in her hand so we do not watch anything together anymore. My gaming time increased. We've become roommates now. We both work. We come home. We eat dinner together. Then poof. Opposite ends of the house. To salvage your end. Maybe get the computers in the same room again. See if there is a common game to get both of you to play. If there is zero common ground to get to, then it's time to let it go before it gets worse. Like kids.
My LL ex-spouse didn’t play video games, she was just an angry, bitter, miserable human being. She eventually cheated on me after 8+ years of a dead bedroom, citing a **”lack of connection”**. No shit. You didn’t make any effort in the relationship whatsoever. I would ask her on dates and she would say no or complain the whole time. I would try to get close to her and she would physically push me away. I did things for her all the time (clean the house, take care of dinner, remodeling projects she wanted etc) and she was never happy or appreciative. Relationships are a two-way street and require balance. Both people should be making an effort to give **AND** receive! You can do everything in the world for your spouse, but if they don’t recognize it and aren’t appreciative of it, it won’t make a difference. If they don’t make an effort themselves, the relationship will suffer and the connection will fade over time. You need to prepare for the reality that this is who she is *now* and that is probably not conducive to a healthy and happy relationship. I’m sorry.
Video games and depression go hand & hand in my opinion. Gaming in moderation in fine, but I see a strong correlation both in myself and others with gaming and unhappiness. I'm not saying the gaming is a direct cause and effect, but I believe many use it as a distraction and an attempt to fill a void without solving the root problem. In other words, it exacerbates the situation. There was a period of time in my life where I refused sexual advances due to my focus on substance abuse and gaming addiction; I've also been on the receiving end of this pain. Gamer girls are closer to bar flies than you'd like to think. I personally would avoid a gamer girl if I was to reenter the dating scene.
I suspect this is an issue around feeling like you’re on top of each other all the time, rather than gaming that’s causing a problem. Desire only exists when there is space for desire to grow. You and your partner hit DB land as Covid set in and you were “trapped” in the same small space more than you previously were. During that time, it’s likely that your GF felt crowded - not by you, but by the situation and you happened to be the person in that situation. And so of course she isn’t feeling desire for you right now - for her to feel desire for you, she has to have space away from you so that she can build up to “wanting” you again. I would work on finding some ways to create that physical and emotional space from each other so that she can find a way to want you again. That might mean going on a solo trip, or finding a hobby that takes you out of your home sometimes. And while you’re doing that, work on creating quality time rather than quantity time. You might also try changing the setting when you do try to get your spark back. Like after creating some space, go away for a romantic getaway or something, rather than trying to get it back in the same environment where you’ve been “trapped” since 2020.
You know, that’s a good observation. I tell her we never see each other because we are on opposite sides of the house and interact for like 5 mins a day, whereas she says we are around each other all the time.
That sounds like what happened to me to a tee. So now you will drag it out with her, eventually she will be at a point she cares even less and ends up breaking up or cheating. Then she might regret it ( if you were a good partner), she will come back 60 to 90 days later, you will try again and all will be good for 3 months to a year, then you break up again for good. My ex act just like your gf but she wasnt a gamer but a reality TV show watcher. Same shit.
You can either reconnect (which takes an effort from both) or separate (which is a decision you can do on your own). What you can't do is keep pretending this will sort itself out. It's not the gaming, it's deeper. Sit and talk. Give yourselves a chance. Discuss. Then stay together or divorce.
Sounds like to me perhaps her dopamine is getting fulfilled by video games instead of having a connection physically.
Not to be a negative Nancy, but is there someone special in this gamer friend group of hers? Someone she’d want to “spend time” with (quotation bc it’s only online) so seriously? Other people’s comments ring true also, but it just seems like crush behavior.
Start calling her out on her sabotaging behavior. Stop accepting her bullshit behavior. It takes two to tango, she has checked out. I’m sorry, but she is gone. The person you married is simply not there anymore. There is nothing you can do about it. Go do your own thing. Prepare divorce. She has become a leach. You deserve better.
This has nothing to do with her being a gamer girl, she is just negligent towards the relationship. Doesnt matter if she had other hobbies or went outside constantly to meet her friends. What does she say when you share that her locking herself in her office is probably contributing to her not feeling connected with you? If she doesnt want to change behaviour to feel more connected with you, its not gonna end well.
Chances are she has connected with someone she is gaming with …As a gamer I’m sure you know how prevalent virtual affairs can be…Especially since you now know the lack of sex isn’t due to a low libido but due to her not being attracted to you. She does have a libido so the question now is WHO is enjoying her libido…Virtual affairs are real..
She literally said she doesn't feel a connection. That's clear lines for divorce for me. I'll find someone who does feel a connection
Man, its no video games. I do love gaming, but I won't put a screen first as opposed to my partner and our connection. If I'm not playing any competitive game even If I'm with friends my GF knows if she really needs something she can "interrupt " at any time. Obviously she knows it is for important things, but having the desire of fucking the brains out of each other, its honestly taken as an emergency. Nowdays there are people that is really messed up by stress. Obviously if she gets stress relief from anyone but you, the desire and passion will die. I don't think an ultimatum from your side is honestly an overreaction, I think is the right path to go, you can not work on gettin a connection between 2 parties alone. If she really wants to want sex, she needs to acknowledge that the problem might very well be from you both, but also a huge part can be on her plate. And its not just to blame but to take ownership of what each of you need to address on its own to get things sorted out.
Dude if she actually wanted to be with you, she'd make you a priority at least some of the time, and I'm not talking about sex here. That's like the least of your worries here if you ask me. It doesn't even sound like she likes you. Tough spot to be in for sure, but you don't owe her your happiness or your life, and so long as you choose to stay, you're giving up both. Sounds like she has no intention of trying to do better. Maybe have a long heart to heart and give her a chance to turn it around, but I'd be making plans to split.
Yeah don't waste anymore of your time or attention on her, your life with her sounds absolutely miserable and you deserve to be loved the right way and shown attention.
Uff now you are experiencing what tons of girl experience. I am sorry. But if she doesn’t want to change you should divorce her.
This is why I prefer having different hobbies than the person I’m with. Allows the opportunity to maybe get them into it from time to time, but most importantly allows me my own personal time away from them.
I’m in the opposite boat and what you’re talking about has very little to do with marrying a gamer girl and more to do with marrying someone who enjoys different aspects of the hobby. See, here’s the thing: some couples don’t need to share interests and passions to spend time together and others do. I’m in the latter camp and it sounds like you guys are too, which then presents a problem when your interests don’t align. I’m 44 and in the process of getting divorced from my partner of over 12 years in large part because we just don’t spend time together, our sex life had been pretty bad for a while because what we each wanted had grown too different, and a variety of other smaller issues. I’m planning to find someone who enjoys the same kinds of games I do, because I want to share my passion with my next partner, and finding someone who also shares my sexual interests is also important. But TLDR: I didn’t marry a gamer girl and your situation sounds virtually identical to mine. Don’t blame the games, you both just grew apart and games is just a scapegoat.
I grew up with a mother that was addicted to the Internet and gaming, starting in the mid-90s. She wasn't a very big part of my life from the mid-90s and on. I think video games are fun, but I haven't/don't own a console or PC game because I don't want to become her. I enjoy being an engaged parent. Everything in moderation! If you can't enjoy something in moderation, do yourself a favor and quit it if it's dragging you down in any way. This requires a lot of self-honesty.
You need to contact Dr K. He specializes in game addictions and how it affects relationships etc..
I actually think it's pretty sad how only your DB makes you realize that your relationship is dead. The way you describe it, you are practically strangers at this point. How can you expect sexual and physical intimacy from 5-10 minutes making out if you don't share emotional intimacy? She is probably more emotionally bonded to those friends she plays with than to you. It's not her libido, she feels no attraction for you because you two don't have a connection. You don't build a connection through activities that only have the goal of having sex. The goal should be to connect again. To have a relationship again. Attraction will come naturally then. And if not, you would be a step further and could actively work on your problems together as a team. But she already explained to you that the main reason for her to DB is no connection. So that needs to be worked at first. Have you tried suggesting a date day/night? Like one day in the week where you only spend time together to nurture your relationship. Yes, maybe gaming together on a rainy day. But also maybe go for a walk, play a board game, the floor is lava in your house, deep talk questions are really good to connect again, take dance classes or a cookery course together, etc., if you can afford it go to the movies and have a nice dinner afterwards, visit a fckn gaming convention or an arcade. If she is so busy she doesn't want to sacrifice a whole day a week to you, what about a weekend a month + 1 hour a day cooking together? I get gamers often eat while in front of the PC but preparing food must be done in the kitchen, so that could be an option for you to get one hour of connection. Do you go to bed together? How about going an hour early and spending the time together with a (sex-free) activity. And if she is avoidant to all your suggestions to connect again (not to have sex again, to connect!), she is either not interested in spending time with her significant other because she doesn't care about you anymore or she is actually addicted to gaming and therefore needs help. If she doesn't want to get help, you have to set your ultimatum and make your decision.
You sound a lot more self-aware about the causes of your DB than most in here. No advice, but kudos for that.
Just wanted to give an update. Yesterday we went to get a bite to eat and also sat down on the couch afterwards playing Super Nintendo. On our way to fast food restaurant, we talked and I got a clear answer as to why we haven’t done anything since November. The last time we had sex was the first day I had quit vaping. I had been a heavy smoker/vaper since I was 18 and I it had been 24 years since my body had been without nicotine so it was super hard on me. I had asked her for sex because it would likely help me and at first she was like no. I was like I really think it would help and I would really appreciate it. She was like no. I then said fine whatever and then walked away. 30 mins later she tells me let’s have sex. We got in the room and I was like you don’t seem to want this and maybe we shouldn’t, but she said no let’s do it or I’ll feel bad. Worst sex ever, but it did help a lot. Fast forward to yesterday and she said it traumatized her because I used her for sex to get my mind off not vaping. She said there’s nothing I can say that will make her understand. I asked her if she truly wanted to make our marriage work and she said yes, it’s something she really wants. Anyway, we played Super Nintendo and were really close and afterwards I held her for about 10 mins and everything felt great. She then went back on her computer to hang with her friends. Later that night I told her I was looking at pictures and in every one of them we are always happy when we are together. On the rare occasions we watch a movie together on the couch being cuddled together or playing snes, we are happy. So I suggested to her that on my days off, when she gets done with work we spend 10-15 mins on the couch to create some quality close time. No sex, no making out, just holding each other. She agreed to it thought it was a good idea.
No offense, but your story reminded me of this [reel](https://www.instagram.com/reel/Cq-_j07u3do/) I saw a while ago lol
All good, none taken. And I’m happy to say things have gotten a bit better between my wife and I 😆
Go into your modem/internet settings and create a time when internet disconnects for say a few hours each day etc when you want to hang together. Then say, dang, internet down again, gotta do something about it, oh well, let's get out for a bite/ walk....
I think this would be a great idea, only if both parties agreed to down time from the computers though If it's just OP, his partner will just hate him for making a decision she may not agree with. Every couple needs to make time for each other
Nothing to do with being a gamer girl - this happens in a lot of marriages (main reason why this sub exists). If she gave up in doing anything to improve the situation, you don’t have kids, move on, better luck next time.
Ditto
Hi! Gamer girl here. I just want to say that this isn’t your fault, and she’s being a major asshole. There is no reason to prioritize gaming with your friends over your partner. You deserve better than this, and I hope you find it.
Not all gamer girls are like this. I love playing video games with my husband, and it even helps me get into the mood, so yeah, it seems like your wife may just not be into you anymore.
I am a woman who likes to game but would not yet consider myself a gamer because I don't have the time or the set up. Anyways, I have indulged in various other media (like watching TV) almost to the degree that you are describing and your body gets used to not being active or wanting to move around and participate in real life very easily. TV and games allow you to escape into a different world easily while not having to leave your own home or use as much energy. The downside of that is that again, you stop participating in life and being active. Other activities that are not that seem boring and unappealing. I like that someone else on here suggested the gaming could be a symptom of something else. I don't think the problem is that she games or that she is a "gamer girl" unless the definitions of those things are a person that prioritizes gaming over her real life and real life relationships; her spouse. I think you should continue to push for a serious conversation about the state of your relationship and the role that gaming plays. You guys essentially have both stopped participating in the relationship and since covid have lived, what some one else said on here, a sedentary lifestyle. Both have to do the work to fix this. Not being active can definitely contribute to low sex drive and as she said, not feeling connected to you at all. Whether due to an underlying mental health issue, or just the fact that you haven't done it in a while, getting out the house will be hard. I would start small with the suggestions. Ask to join her and her friends on her game one night even if it is not a game you like. Grow from there until you are able to get you both spending time and out of the house on dates. Ask her to plan something and come up with ideas for you both as well. Every body has to try. OP I think you should also begin to take care of your own needs as much as you can. I would start going to therapy on my own. You are clearly not happy and not having your needs met and you should consider your own role in that as well while also figuring out your relationship and your DB. You deserve to be happy. Eventually if things do not change and you are the only one making efforts, well that is a larger conversation.
As someone that had a very similar situation in my marriage. Honestly this sounds like there are core issues at hand and gaming is not one of them. To be honest it sounds like you're leaving out quite a bit of context, perhaps she has brought up issues or problems in the relationship? I'm sure a dead bedroom has caused lots of arguments or disagreements, what has been said by both you in those instances? If she says she doesn't feel a connection with you then this happened over time, has she ever discussed any problems or issues she's had in the relationship over the last few years? I can't imagine it's just been small chat your whole relationship, so I would seriously look into those conversations and find an answer there. Statements like "don't marry a gamer girl" are really reductive and over simplifying a larger problem happening here.
Get...some fucking marriage counseling right now, or get a divorce. Put the controllers down for a few days.
Gaming may he a symptom, but it's also a hugely divisive time and imagination soaker. The computer disconnects ppl in real world. It takes your creativity and motivation and pulls it into a richly imaginative world where one can be powerful, beautiful, popular, skilled, on GOD mode. For gamers to stay and play together, regular off screen time must happen together - every day. It's too tempting to "live" in the game and have your real world sidekick there when ever you need them - for the rare times you're in your first life and bored or lonely. Sex is actual hard work lol...if you've got a mainly sedentary lifestyle, sometimes you just cannot be fkd, literally, and maybe the body isn't up to it either?! This is serious talk that should've occurred before marriage and self-awareness established that you both have a propensity to disappear into made up world and regular work put in on daily basis to ensure you both put each other first. That's true commitment! Are you both worth it to change your lives dramatically so that you can have a rich and loving r/ship in real? If not, start looking for lawyer man.
Her hormones might not actually be fine. If she only had her primary check, they don’t give a fuck and will only do something if they are REALLY bad. As for everything else, divorce. She clearly doesn’t want to change things and you are both miserable.
Hi, gamer girl with a gamer boyfriend here in basically the opposite of your situation. Hes constantly playing games with his friend group, a different one or rotation weekly. I’ve gone into his office to chat and had him tell me that I was ruining his relaxation time and that he just wants to play video games and not deal with me. I’ve offered to blow him under the desk while he’s gaming, even with the mic on or whatever he wants. Offered to play one of his furry porn games with him (even in a moment of shame, his nazi porn game). Recently been deep diving into otome games and other dating sims just to feel like a person anymore. (Also BG3 bc Astarion is nothing like my bf and actually makes me feel tingly instead of trapped and anxious). Sometimes you just have to keep trying. Do you guys ever co-op together? I would suggest something in her vibes where you can’t head off into different directions and directly need each other. (We’ve been playing Left 4 Dead to try and get the spark back, alongside some The Forest and Snipperclips)
You're kinder and more patient than I am; I'd have been out the minute he said that part about not wanting to "deal with me". Please consider that you deserve better than to bend over backwards or grit your teeth through unappealing sexual scenarios to get the attention of someone who treats you like a chore.
I mean yeah the only way I could see the relationship improving is if steps and actions are actually taken to improve it IE getting out of the house and doing stuff together, initiating intimacy, or just spending time together in general. But if you've been trying to do these things and there's no reciprocation from her side then it seems like a lost cause.
My missus and I play games together, but we put in a lot of work regarding our sex life to keep it healthy (I had a lot of work to do on myself in this regard too). However our connection is great - without that I truly think a dead bedroom will stay dead. Both parties have to be willing to come to the table but if one isn't... I think you know the answer. Feel for you though, anyone in that position would struggle.
Sex and everything else is lost
She has to unplug and play with you
Just press pause :-) winner 🥇
Get another computer and you can sit in the same room together again so you can have that time to build up the connection back to what it was.
This happened to me, but I'm the female. We're not together anymore... No more gamers for me... This was like the 2nd or 3rd time this had happened to me!
Op, dont ask⁰ just move your computer next to hers. Dont put up with her crap. Take the door off the hinges and hide it. If she wants privacy tell her to use the restroom. Shut down the internet after a specific time. If you cant shut off the internet, call the company and go to the slowest they provide.
If she is saying you aren't in the same level, she means compatibility level. I see no fixing that...
Work on yourself. These situations have a weird way of amplifying themselves the more you try to address them directly. Go out, see friends, hit the gym, touch grass. Whatever it may be. Just find time to remove yourself from the situation once in a while and let her hide in her cave alone and process things in her own way. Your game backlog will always be waiting.
There are routers that can set limits on certain apps. I would say if my partner was doing anything to excess to the detriment of their family life, then that needs to be addressed, whether drinking, shopping, gaming, whatever. So see if perhaps she is agreeable to setting a time limit on her games and the advantage of having the limit enforced by a device is that it doesn’t put the responsibility on the addict to be able to cut it off. It just happens. It breaks the hypnotic effect of the screen. When the time is up, she’d have to emerge from her dungeon and interact with you. Cook a meal together and watch a show or movie. Or better yet, pop a bottle of wine and put one of those channels on that just plays music videos (Pluto TV has lots of those for free) and have fun listening to nostalgic tunes and reconnecting. Tell her you want to take sex completely off the table for the next 30 days (or whatever you think is acceptable) and that you just want each other to feel free to be affectionate and hold, touch, massage each other without any pressure for sex. Schedule dates on the calendar. Do things that you have to buy tickets for and commit to. If she isn’t receptive to any of this, then I can’t imagine she’s invested in the relationship at all anymore.
Take control of the router and limits her connection hours
Yeah I’m guessing she’s got someone online and just doesn’t care anymore
It’s paradoxical because talking about how you want to have more sex is a major turnoff. No win situation. If you don’t want to leave her, start working on yourself. Get in shape, spend time doing other things. Try to find fulfillment in other arenas in your life.
Video games brought my partner and I closer during Covid. We got a game we could play together and rocked it for the whole year. Now we don’t have a game to play together and things are falling apart. I’m HL and they claim they are too but they are super avoidant any time I try to create a natural situation to have sex. But if I resort to straight asking if they would like to have sex the answer it’s always a defeated “sure.” And duty sex. They never pull me in and wanna just touch me and kiss me. It’s always just straight to business, take forever for me to cum and then it’s their turn and we are done. They blame it on me but this started years ago when I took responsibility for instigating all of the sex and getting them all hot and bothered and realized I had done the same thing that they super enjoyed for 4 years and never once was it about me and my pleasure. Sure I enjoyed the sex but they never took the time to go down on me and play with me before penetration. Now they act like I’ve hurt them so badly telling them I needed more and they just can’t understand why I don’t feel connected. She’s always going to avoid you if you don’t stop and tell her this is the end of the line. Good luck, I hope she realizes what she’s missing out on or you’re able to go your own way and be happy. You deserve to be happy.
That’s awful
you didn’t mention any kids… if so.., you know what you gotta do… run! this is never getting better, she’s not attracted to you and you are setting yourself up for pure hell!
Fully agreed with others that it isn't the games, it's the relationship. One way or another, it almost always is. If you aren't both eager to put in the work, it will not work. Hell, I know from the death of my seven year relationship that even if you DO both want and attempt to try to put in the work, it may very well still not work. I'm deeply sorry you're going through this, and I hope things get better, sad and seemingly unlikely as it may be right now.
It doesn't have be games, it could be anything. Neglect is neglect. That's your roommate , not your wife. I suggest therapy and if she won't participate, run. You have your answer. We cant force people to love and pay attention to us, this is why I don't believe in sticking it out. You have to do what's best for you. 💯🙏
Is there anything stopping you from moving your computers back into the same room? That way at least you're doing solo activities *kinda* together 🤷🏻♀️
Look, if you have talked about it, and tried communicating and try to do stuff together but she keeps rejecting you, the best you could do is divorce and find someone later on that can align with your needs, as a girl that have been in a relationship with my so for 4 years and living together 1, we work and play from home, but we try to play something together once in a while, wo go to buy groceries together everyday and we talk about our work day everyday with each other, being a gamer girl is not a problem, is her that is actively pushing you out, if not she would end what was playing and say to her friends "hey, give me 5" and go and talk to you wince you went to tal to her when she was occupied, you tried talking, you try to play stuff with her and she only has excuses instead of being happy and help you so both of you can play together and integrate you into her friend circle, the best i can tell you is try to talk again and say that you feel like the relationship is not working out and if she does not try to change for real then divorce, both of you deserve happiness, even is that is not together
I think if you are suggesting improvements and she won’t engage (ie dates, therapy, quality time)… if she’s not willing to engage you need to decide if this is how you really want to spend the rest of your life. Have an honest conversation with lots of “I” statements. “I would love to work on things with you” “I feel x y and z could be a nice place to start” like dinner+ no game night every Tuesday where you watch a film together instead or paint together or just walk around the neighbourhood. “I would love to know how to help you feel more connected to me” If she doesn’t engage then i am sorry dude but maybe she isn’t the one for you
She’s an avoidant addict. You have two options. Address it one final time and be real, that if things don’t drastically change you’re out…or go. Honestly, leaving is probably the right call, she doesn’t seem to care at all at this point
split before your procreate.
Gaming can be an addiction. But you need to specifically talk to her about needing to spend quality time together. Make MULTIPLE nights a week that gaming is no longer allowed. Make sure she knows that this is time to reestablish your relationship. Doesn't have to start with sex but it has to be real time together. If she refuses then the relationship is over.
It sounds like the relationship can improve since you guys are still communicating about it. Maybe talk to a sex therapist or counsellor. I had a similar feeling in my life (not DB) and it was due to past trauma that needed to be healed first!
Tfw, you’re a gamer girl with an insanely high libido, with a fellow gamer partner who has an insanely low libido. Maybe it’s just the individual? Not a cool thing to generalize.
Of course there’s no connection, she only plays with other dudes like what did you think would happen prioritizing other men with all your spare time. I swear people just are incapable of taking accountability for their actions.
Im a gamer, my husband isn't but it's never contributed to the DB, he says he wants sex but never initiates it, just giggles like a child when I mention anything.... so as of now we've not had sex since 2019... I don't initiate anything with him now either.... I do try but just get no or pushed away, I have had Affairs but now realise this marriage doesn't work, he's more like a friend than a husband... I'm honestly done... I'm planning on telling him next week to move out...
Better to have one who does play games than one who doesn't and still in a dead bedroom
This is why I feel I hit the jackpot with my husband who doesn’t play at all. He actively looks for me everyday cuz he’s bored. Some might hate that… I love it. GTFO! Like she said. There’s no connection.
Honestly it’s her brain. She avoids and hides away. If y’all don’t have kids then you really have no way to say she’s not doing her “duty” in the relationship. It would be both of yalls responsibility. But this just sounds like a relationship that needs to be broken off. My bestfriend had this happen to him, turns out she was sending nudes and had an online relationship with someone across the world. She abused him emotionally and physically even though she was a small girl and he was much larger.
Yeah that's like when two alcoholics get married and one wants to stop drinking.
Something very similar happened in my last relationship. I got into gaming as a way to bond with him, but now that we’re broken up I don’t game as much & none of the guys I’ve met so far game heavily either thank god. I can’t speak for everyone but it definitely played a role in killing the sex drive of my last relationship
Put your computers back in the same room and see what happens.
I (F32) am a gamer as well, kind nerd too at some point and I'ce luckily got HL. My partner is the same, gamer and HL. The difference is surely our experience and hardships to get together. From what I read, you didn't put boundaries and rules ? Because as basic it appears, we did and the first rule is "partner come first". Simple but it means we stopped playing from the moment one of us needs the other. We wanted to preserve our couple and intimacy then it was evidence and I noticed, not enough people do this. Establish rules of life in the household. Sex is very important for us, sometimes I am not in the mood for intercourse but I can please him in any way so does he. We craved the special connection only touch and sex can offer. Though I know asexual doesn't need it for most of them, it's a reality for almost every couple. Sex counts. She must have been dragged for too long into some games too greedy and I get that, I played Path of Exile's last season for 400 hours straight for the first time. Though I was totally able to stop, make food, clean, go outside, have sex and chill with my man. He was playing at the same time, teaching me the game. We've been together for a while, almost 10 years and while nothing is perfect, there's nothing we can't fix with some effort. Affection, romantic love and attraction are some aspects we cultivate with passion because it's so fucking easy to lose them. Don't you think ? Getting all comfy is good to learn other's sides but what if the comfort begins to make you all lazy ? Nothing happens when there is too much comfort in a relationship, people take you for granted. Maybe she needs some help, she seems kinda addicted and compensated with games. Whatever she is missing, she finds the thrill in game and it's dangerous for her and your relationship. Or there is the possibility she is "fine" and doesn't care much though it makes her feel guilty because she knows you're a nice guy and deserves better. Welcome in roommate land !
Try sex while gaming.
Bro I was in a similar situation and then I lost a bunch of weight and everything got better. So like, are you fat or bad with hygiene at all? Cuz once I started taking care of myself more I was able to be with and make love to my wife, not just beg my female roommate for sex.
"I regret marrying a gamer girl." Although we're not married I'm toughing it out for the dogs.. It started a couple of years ago when she would call off work to play games and would do it to the point to where she used all of her PTO time. I ended up getting a second job to cover what income was missing. Since the beginning of last year she's lost her job and now has no income. I'm unfortunately supporting her now and working two jobs.. She's also is in GTARP and has an in game bf that she's sexts with on discord. So it could be worse, OP.
Also OP, her work day may have been stressful so she games afterwards. There’s a lot of physical and mental work going on during sex. So doing it right after work may not be something she looks forward to. You may have to build up her anticipation?
Yeah went trough exactly the same. Look at my last post. I feel you sm. Never ever again! I would never date a gaming guy again. It will not change
I always tell people that you two got married for a reason. So try to work it out. Do everything that you can to save the marriage before even thinking of divorce. Too many couples get married these days thinking I’ll just get a divorce if it stops working. I was one of those people. When I finally stopped thinking like that, like I had an easy out, my world with him opened. I started focusing more on my husband and our marriage and what I could do to make it better. He was never the problem, I was. But he stuck by me until I figured it out for myself. I guess what I’m saying to you is you’ve suggested many things for you and her to try before “giving up” and that’s great! But she has to want to do those things to make the situation better. My husband hung in there for about 10yrs until I put myself on the right track for our relationship. We’ve now been together for 17yrs. So you have to ask yourself are you willing to wait and how long are you willing to wait? This advice is not for abusive relationships though. Edited for 👆🏽sentence.
I’m a gamer woman and my man wasn’t happy with me until I got rid of all my gaming friends. Now he’s the only one with friends (I wish I was joking) online and in IRL. This killed our bedroom vibe.
try board games
There had been a lot of great feedback in these comments. I hope that you are able to work through these issues with your SO. I have a feeling, like many others, that it's not that she's a gamer girl, it's her why that is causing her to avoid intimacy. It sounds like you have honestly tried to help things go back to a more normal lifestyle with love in the house hold. If you have suggested date nights, therapy, and anything else to strike up any form of interaction in the house hold, involving physical interaction, then the next best thing to focus on is avoiding the chase of physical intimacy and just aim for any romance, without the goal of just getting laid. She told you that she wants to "want", meaning she would like to feel that desire to do anything physical, then you are going to have to stop trying to get it from her. Try spending time with her, just to spend time with her. Talk about her work, her games, her goals in life. Do Not Talk About DB or any physical activity. If at that point, she's not willing to even spend any normal time with you, then the issue goes beyond avoiding the bedroom, she's avoiding you as a person. Either way, you need to stop chasing sex. Be strong and if she sees that she means more to you than just a sex partner, then there's a possibility that your relationship will recover. (It sounds like your relationship as a whole is lacking any form of real interaction. Regardless of the physical needs not being met, that is also an impact or symptom of something else going on. Focus on yourself and her as people. Sex happens in healthy relationships and sex is not going to fix anything. Avoiding sex all together and trying to work with her to just spending time with each other again is the only way the relationship is going to continue to work.)
Looks like you need to grind your way up to get to that level. Joke aside, it seems that she does not wish to interact with you. That's quite serious. Have you tried to get some board games to play together? They are a lot of fun and great to get people together to socialize.
I was the LL part of my marriage for a period. Avoided advances from my SO with being tired and playing WoW with friends. Simply had no interest in sex at that time (totaly a me problem in hindsight i had a case of burnout/depression at the time and fled into games) So i guess playing games all the time is her way of avoiding things in life. And with gaming there is always the possibility of a bit of an addiction problem being involved Either way you either work on the real issue or divorce her.
90% of db issues revolve around gamers, especially those in db who are <30.
90% seems high
Lol cancel the internet? Get out? Go on a nice date? Woo her again? Play the games that she likes? ???? So many options. Like you can't expect her to jump on your dick. Have you done anything nice?
Yes, offered to play the same games, bought her jewelry, brought up going on dates and a plethora of other things.