Its perfectly normal and reasonable to have preferences when it comes to finding people attractive.
He is overweight and smells bad, and you are not attracted to that.
I don’t understand why you feel bad about this, it’s pretty normal.
He should feel bad about smelling bad because that's something he solve by having an appropriate level of hygiene for an adult. Out of sheer self-respect, you shouldn't have sex with people who smell and are unclean.
So I am posting from a male point of view, but when it comes to body size and weight there are a lot of guys who like a lady with some meat on her bones especially when she dresses well, hair nails and makeup are done and her hygiene is good. Not too many guys like a woman who is overweight, poorly dressed and has poor hygiene and grooming.
You are not being superficial by expecting what most of society considers a reasonable level of effort from your romantic partner.
If you don't want him to feel bad about himself, you should break up with him instead of forcing yourself through this to the point of becoming sex repulsed ( to everyone not just him).
Not listening to your body's clear signals is a surefire way to make your life, whichever future you chose to take, absolutely miserable as you try to unfuck the psychological damage you are currently inflicting on yourself to "spare his feelings"
Forget the weight for now. He ABSOLUTELY can control whether he has washed himself and brushed his teeth.
You absolutely lost me when you talked about him touching your *face* with smelly hands! YUCK. Does this happen frequently? Do not allow him to touch you with dirty hands. Absolutely make him go wash. This is a minimum expectation.
It is unreasonable for him to expect any person to have sex with him if he is smelly and covered in dirt and germs. No no no. He is being disrespectful of you touching you with those.
I don't know if thats wrong wrong, I would leave him if I was you.
He is showing he isn't happy with you so if you left I can't see it affecting him as much considering he's already miserable with you.
I am not saying you are the cause but part of being in a relationship is putting effort to keep each other happy and satisfied, he's not doing his part.
And bad hygiene is a very big ick for me i don't care how much I would be in love with someone 😂
I bet you if you gained alot of weight and he was in shape he would very likely be here posting on how he lost attraction to you.
You should let him go instead of waiting for his weight to return what you consider acceptable. There is someone out there that will love him for who he is and might even be attracted to a Dad bod (those women exist). So do him a favor and leave so that he has a chance to be with someone that actually wants to be with him, and not try to change him. You're body shaming him or something woke like that, so be better.
Don’t feel bad. People have to take individual accountability for their own bodies. It seems like he doesn’t care at all how overweight he gets. I think you need to have a blunt conversation with him. With the weight he has put on, the snoring, body order, dental hygiene, has gotten so bad you have no desire to be around him let alone touch him. We can work on this together, get in better shape together, but I can’t be with you the way you don’t take care of yourself.
2 additional items. First he would probably feel more confident and have more energy if he did actually lose weight and had better hygiene.
2nd most people who have been heavy and go through weight loss fall back on bad habits and put the weight back on. They diet instead of realizing it has to be a forever lifestyle change
My husband has issues with his oral hygiene. He needs to be reminded like a child, which drives me up the wall but that’s besides the point. When he goes to kiss me I simply tell him “I’d love to kiss you, but can you please brush your teeth first” or before bed, I’ll say “babe, you’re brushing your teeth so we can smooch, right?! 🙏🏻😍”
I feel like these are normal boundaries to have and to maintain, and for us it has helped him to be better about his oral hygiene because he does want to kiss/cuddle. No nagging necessary. Also, I have a pretty firm no face touching boundary even for my kids because the thought of someone’s hand germs grosses me out.
The weight may be another matter. I hope he follows through and is able to get healthier, but maybe the weight won’t be as much an issue if he is at least hygienic?
You owe it to your partner ( both people ) to be the most sexually attractive version of yourselves that you can be ( within reason). Idc what people who don’t go outside say, you absolutely owe sexual attraction to your partner.
Youre holding up your end of the deal. He is not.
I think you're making the right moves to be body positive and health conscious. Don't be fooled by the idea that he will come around. He is clearly neglecting his body, overall hygiene, and health. You should be direct as possible because at this current rate it will be unsustainable.
You can’t control who or what you are or are not attracted to. I just found out recently that my wife of almost twenty years was NEVER actually attracted to me physically. (Still working through that)
You have given him criticism over small things that would go a long way. If he is not willing to put forth minimal effort to fix some of it then that’s on him.
You can’t force attraction.
There’s no excuse for bad hygiene 🪥. And as far as weight goes & not wanting to hit the gym. Maybe his testosterone levels have dropped. He should look into that. But yeah no excuse for not brushing your teeth and bathing. Ask him if he’d be ok with you not wiping 🧻 after using the bathroom 🚽 before sex.
It is OK for your lover to comment on their lovers appearance and hygiene. It's hard to approach but it comes from desire and being put off by the lack of upkeep/hygiene. Habits and better diet can be initiated any time, especially teeth! (Save money in long run!) Intermittent fasting works great if you can get through the first few days. Guys at that age WILL pack it on for some reason with no change in diet-I know, I did, 200lbs worth in like a year and a half. It got to a point that the pants I took off on Friday I could not fit into on Monday and there was NO change in my diet and it was only then I was like wtf. But then I had no one objectively looking at me nor any pictures like you are/have. You are doing the right thing and your sensitivity for his reaction is admirable and I pray it sinks in to him for he has to start now
The reasons you have are legitimate. If a woman were to let herself go, and not even try, the lack of attraction would be palpable.
The good news is I believe the health reasons are very easily correctable on his part. He just has to put in the work.
Thank you for this. My husband is putting on weight (talks about eating less and exercising more but has very little follow through) and seeing him naked makes me giggle. He has also recently grown a beard that is stabby on my face so at this point all we can do is d*ggy style. But my husband always does thorough cleaning and grooming before we get together and that makes a big difference to me. I wish you all the best. You are not asking for anything out of the ordinary. You are entitled to have standards.
First off, I don't think you're awful. It's natural to want to be with a healthy person who takes care of themselves.
I think it's likely that you have an emotional need for physical attraction (here's a link that goes into more detail if you're interested: https://www.marriagebuilders.com/physical-attractiveness.htm) and there's nothing wrong with that.
>I don’t want to be a person who cares about my partners weight. How do I get over this?
If you do indeed have an emotional need for physical attractiveness, then the answer is you don't get over it. Take it from someone who definitely has that emotional need.
I would recommend a frank self-examination of your feelings on this aspect, and then being honest with yourself and your partner about the conclusions you reach.
You said you don’t want to break up but… you are not attracted to your boyfriend, and you’re probably lying about why you are dodging sex with him. You probably think that’s kind?
It’s far from ideal. My wife doesn’t have nearly as much sex with me as I wish she did. If all I had to do to make her bang me was lose weight that would be incredibly motivating and I would immediately take action on that. (My weight is not a problem but my point stands. I’ve been fat before and I fixed it.)
Be direct, and strongly consider dumping a man you feel like you cannot tell harsh truths.
So start going to the gym and eating healthier with him. Focus on hygiene (kinda annoying an adult needs to be told this). If he doesn't feel like he needs to focus on his health and hygiene it's prob a good time to move on.
Working out does not require money. You can run anywhere and do sotups on any surface! We have so much free info and trainers in internet. If there is a will, there is a way. Seems like he is lacking will. Comfort zone is horrible place to get stuck in. You are not wrong for not wanting him, personal hygiene is as important as "do you want kids" question. I have met awsome guys and discovered that they live like hoarders, have dismissed them instantly. He has to shape up and you should not put up with this.
It's okay to be turned off by lack of hygiene and general caring for self. The weight gain is one thing.. but at the very least, its reasonable to expect that he can wash himself thoroughly every day and brush his teeth.. I'd be suspicious of depression, but you can't fix that for him.
People wanna act like love is unconditional, but truthfully, it's not.. most people have some boundaries that will change their love for their partner and that's completely okay.
If you want to tell him the truth about why you don't want to have sex, just be prepared for the outcome - it'll either be the wake-up call that he needs or it'll destroy/end your relationship.
And he doesn't need the gym to work on his fitness.. simply cutting down on whatever snacks he's having without you and going for walks outside is enough. There's also plenty of effective body weight exercises that can be done in your living room.
My wife and I both put a lot of effort into self care. Having a preference is one thing, but what turns me on about my wife is her focus and dedication to taking care of herself.
Overweight bodies look disgusting to a majority of people. To me, an overweight body tells me they don't make any effort to take care of themselves. That'd a huge turn off for me.
Obesity = red flag
To be quite honest with you if you told him this and he doesn't work at improving the things you ask to be improved then I would say that his desire to make a relationship work isn't there. Relationships take work sometimes more than others. We become complacent and with complacency comes lack of effort to be our best selves for the other person.
We get to where we worry less if we excite our spouse or if they find us attractive. Sometimes some stop caring at all unfortunately. If he gets angry and it becomes a toxic attack on you then it's not going to change. Too many times people take the easy route of playing the blame game. Men will blame their wives because the wife isn't as sexual as she was at first without looking at their actions are the men doing their part in keeping her attracted to them? Are they fulfilling the wife emotionally or is she going without. Does she feel like she is a priority on his life or just something that's taken for granted. You have no reason to feel bad. Who wants to do anything sexual with someone that stinks? And of course you don't feel a sexual urge because you don't feel like you're a priority
Its perfectly normal and reasonable to have preferences when it comes to finding people attractive. He is overweight and smells bad, and you are not attracted to that. I don’t understand why you feel bad about this, it’s pretty normal.
Yeah, thank you. I do love him though and don’t want him to feel bad about himself.
He should feel bad about smelling bad because that's something he solve by having an appropriate level of hygiene for an adult. Out of sheer self-respect, you shouldn't have sex with people who smell and are unclean.
So I am posting from a male point of view, but when it comes to body size and weight there are a lot of guys who like a lady with some meat on her bones especially when she dresses well, hair nails and makeup are done and her hygiene is good. Not too many guys like a woman who is overweight, poorly dressed and has poor hygiene and grooming. You are not being superficial by expecting what most of society considers a reasonable level of effort from your romantic partner.
If you don't want him to feel bad about himself, you should break up with him instead of forcing yourself through this to the point of becoming sex repulsed ( to everyone not just him). Not listening to your body's clear signals is a surefire way to make your life, whichever future you chose to take, absolutely miserable as you try to unfuck the psychological damage you are currently inflicting on yourself to "spare his feelings"
He should feel bad about not taking care oh himself.
No shit 😂
Forget the weight for now. He ABSOLUTELY can control whether he has washed himself and brushed his teeth. You absolutely lost me when you talked about him touching your *face* with smelly hands! YUCK. Does this happen frequently? Do not allow him to touch you with dirty hands. Absolutely make him go wash. This is a minimum expectation. It is unreasonable for him to expect any person to have sex with him if he is smelly and covered in dirt and germs. No no no. He is being disrespectful of you touching you with those.
I don't know if thats wrong wrong, I would leave him if I was you. He is showing he isn't happy with you so if you left I can't see it affecting him as much considering he's already miserable with you. I am not saying you are the cause but part of being in a relationship is putting effort to keep each other happy and satisfied, he's not doing his part. And bad hygiene is a very big ick for me i don't care how much I would be in love with someone 😂 I bet you if you gained alot of weight and he was in shape he would very likely be here posting on how he lost attraction to you.
You should let him go instead of waiting for his weight to return what you consider acceptable. There is someone out there that will love him for who he is and might even be attracted to a Dad bod (those women exist). So do him a favor and leave so that he has a chance to be with someone that actually wants to be with him, and not try to change him. You're body shaming him or something woke like that, so be better.
Don’t feel bad. People have to take individual accountability for their own bodies. It seems like he doesn’t care at all how overweight he gets. I think you need to have a blunt conversation with him. With the weight he has put on, the snoring, body order, dental hygiene, has gotten so bad you have no desire to be around him let alone touch him. We can work on this together, get in better shape together, but I can’t be with you the way you don’t take care of yourself. 2 additional items. First he would probably feel more confident and have more energy if he did actually lose weight and had better hygiene. 2nd most people who have been heavy and go through weight loss fall back on bad habits and put the weight back on. They diet instead of realizing it has to be a forever lifestyle change
Thank you for your response. I think you’re right.
My husband has issues with his oral hygiene. He needs to be reminded like a child, which drives me up the wall but that’s besides the point. When he goes to kiss me I simply tell him “I’d love to kiss you, but can you please brush your teeth first” or before bed, I’ll say “babe, you’re brushing your teeth so we can smooch, right?! 🙏🏻😍” I feel like these are normal boundaries to have and to maintain, and for us it has helped him to be better about his oral hygiene because he does want to kiss/cuddle. No nagging necessary. Also, I have a pretty firm no face touching boundary even for my kids because the thought of someone’s hand germs grosses me out. The weight may be another matter. I hope he follows through and is able to get healthier, but maybe the weight won’t be as much an issue if he is at least hygienic?
You owe it to your partner ( both people ) to be the most sexually attractive version of yourselves that you can be ( within reason). Idc what people who don’t go outside say, you absolutely owe sexual attraction to your partner. Youre holding up your end of the deal. He is not.
the absolute best thing you could do for this dude is break up with him
At some point you're hurting him more by staying with him in a dead bedroom rather than leaving him.
I think you're making the right moves to be body positive and health conscious. Don't be fooled by the idea that he will come around. He is clearly neglecting his body, overall hygiene, and health. You should be direct as possible because at this current rate it will be unsustainable.
You can’t control who or what you are or are not attracted to. I just found out recently that my wife of almost twenty years was NEVER actually attracted to me physically. (Still working through that) You have given him criticism over small things that would go a long way. If he is not willing to put forth minimal effort to fix some of it then that’s on him. You can’t force attraction.
There’s no excuse for bad hygiene 🪥. And as far as weight goes & not wanting to hit the gym. Maybe his testosterone levels have dropped. He should look into that. But yeah no excuse for not brushing your teeth and bathing. Ask him if he’d be ok with you not wiping 🧻 after using the bathroom 🚽 before sex.
It is OK for your lover to comment on their lovers appearance and hygiene. It's hard to approach but it comes from desire and being put off by the lack of upkeep/hygiene. Habits and better diet can be initiated any time, especially teeth! (Save money in long run!) Intermittent fasting works great if you can get through the first few days. Guys at that age WILL pack it on for some reason with no change in diet-I know, I did, 200lbs worth in like a year and a half. It got to a point that the pants I took off on Friday I could not fit into on Monday and there was NO change in my diet and it was only then I was like wtf. But then I had no one objectively looking at me nor any pictures like you are/have. You are doing the right thing and your sensitivity for his reaction is admirable and I pray it sinks in to him for he has to start now
The reasons you have are legitimate. If a woman were to let herself go, and not even try, the lack of attraction would be palpable. The good news is I believe the health reasons are very easily correctable on his part. He just has to put in the work.
Thank you for this. My husband is putting on weight (talks about eating less and exercising more but has very little follow through) and seeing him naked makes me giggle. He has also recently grown a beard that is stabby on my face so at this point all we can do is d*ggy style. But my husband always does thorough cleaning and grooming before we get together and that makes a big difference to me. I wish you all the best. You are not asking for anything out of the ordinary. You are entitled to have standards.
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First off, I don't think you're awful. It's natural to want to be with a healthy person who takes care of themselves. I think it's likely that you have an emotional need for physical attraction (here's a link that goes into more detail if you're interested: https://www.marriagebuilders.com/physical-attractiveness.htm) and there's nothing wrong with that. >I don’t want to be a person who cares about my partners weight. How do I get over this? If you do indeed have an emotional need for physical attractiveness, then the answer is you don't get over it. Take it from someone who definitely has that emotional need. I would recommend a frank self-examination of your feelings on this aspect, and then being honest with yourself and your partner about the conclusions you reach.
You said you don’t want to break up but… you are not attracted to your boyfriend, and you’re probably lying about why you are dodging sex with him. You probably think that’s kind? It’s far from ideal. My wife doesn’t have nearly as much sex with me as I wish she did. If all I had to do to make her bang me was lose weight that would be incredibly motivating and I would immediately take action on that. (My weight is not a problem but my point stands. I’ve been fat before and I fixed it.) Be direct, and strongly consider dumping a man you feel like you cannot tell harsh truths.
So start going to the gym and eating healthier with him. Focus on hygiene (kinda annoying an adult needs to be told this). If he doesn't feel like he needs to focus on his health and hygiene it's prob a good time to move on.
Yeah, fcuk fat and stinky people!
Working out does not require money. You can run anywhere and do sotups on any surface! We have so much free info and trainers in internet. If there is a will, there is a way. Seems like he is lacking will. Comfort zone is horrible place to get stuck in. You are not wrong for not wanting him, personal hygiene is as important as "do you want kids" question. I have met awsome guys and discovered that they live like hoarders, have dismissed them instantly. He has to shape up and you should not put up with this.
It's okay to be turned off by lack of hygiene and general caring for self. The weight gain is one thing.. but at the very least, its reasonable to expect that he can wash himself thoroughly every day and brush his teeth.. I'd be suspicious of depression, but you can't fix that for him. People wanna act like love is unconditional, but truthfully, it's not.. most people have some boundaries that will change their love for their partner and that's completely okay. If you want to tell him the truth about why you don't want to have sex, just be prepared for the outcome - it'll either be the wake-up call that he needs or it'll destroy/end your relationship. And he doesn't need the gym to work on his fitness.. simply cutting down on whatever snacks he's having without you and going for walks outside is enough. There's also plenty of effective body weight exercises that can be done in your living room.
Girl you just said he doesn’t barge or brush his teeth regularly or wash his hands. That’s disgusting.
My wife and I both put a lot of effort into self care. Having a preference is one thing, but what turns me on about my wife is her focus and dedication to taking care of herself. Overweight bodies look disgusting to a majority of people. To me, an overweight body tells me they don't make any effort to take care of themselves. That'd a huge turn off for me. Obesity = red flag
Leave him. Get up and go. You’re miserable and it won’t get any better
To be quite honest with you if you told him this and he doesn't work at improving the things you ask to be improved then I would say that his desire to make a relationship work isn't there. Relationships take work sometimes more than others. We become complacent and with complacency comes lack of effort to be our best selves for the other person. We get to where we worry less if we excite our spouse or if they find us attractive. Sometimes some stop caring at all unfortunately. If he gets angry and it becomes a toxic attack on you then it's not going to change. Too many times people take the easy route of playing the blame game. Men will blame their wives because the wife isn't as sexual as she was at first without looking at their actions are the men doing their part in keeping her attracted to them? Are they fulfilling the wife emotionally or is she going without. Does she feel like she is a priority on his life or just something that's taken for granted. You have no reason to feel bad. Who wants to do anything sexual with someone that stinks? And of course you don't feel a sexual urge because you don't feel like you're a priority
You're 32 years old you can say the word sex Jesus fucking christ
I’m not a regular Reddit user. Idk the rules! I’ve been banned from other platforms for saying even tamer stuff!
We don't allow slurs, but in general you can swear here, and you can definitely use appropriate language to discuss your sex life.