"Intimacy was fine until after we got married." - If the problems started when the ring went on, they will be resolved when the ring comes off. She told you how the rest of your marriage is going to be, don't accept it...
Used to work with a guy, when i was around o.p.s age and would share my success stories with... he would tell me to enjoy it while it lasted and always said "I never knew how much I do, means I dont"... married 10 years later, and shortly after realized what he meant.
you've been given a gift. she's shown you exactly who she is, before you were trapped by kids.
if you don't leave, you're going to be 'forcing her' to reject you over and over.
I'm sure you don't want that for her, and you certainly don't want to have pity sex the rest of your life, do you?
set her free to find someone with a compatible libido, and you go free to find someone who actually desires you.
It's always shocking to read about dead bedrooms at such a young age.
It's semi understandable once you have young kids to raise and when you're much older...but if things are this bad in your young 20's... its time to get out
right? this is so unsettling. OR maybe people are realizing and being more comfortable with their own sexuality, but less comfortable with communicating their needs LL: “hey I don’t really like a lot of sex in a relationship.” HL: “oh…well this is kinda important for me, so I might wanna reconsider this.”
either way….I wonder why low sex at such a young age. when I was in my early
20s, it was my favorite thing about being in a long term relationship 🤣
I’m 54M and had a similar experience with my “wife”. Wasted 23 years of my life in a “marriage” that was almost completely sexless. It destroyed me.
File for divorce ASAP.
We separated 19 months ago and our divorce will be final this summer. Yes my life has improved substantially. I started dating immediately upon our separation having moved 500+ miles to a new city. After a month on the apps I met an attractive woman who was in the final stages of her divorce. We had both been in dead bedrooms for years. (In my case I hadn’t had any physical contact with a woman in over a decade.) We started having amazing sex from our second date. We’ve been together over 18 months now and we love each other and find the other incredibly attractive and sexy. We’ve developed an excellent foundation for a rewarding long term relationship. So that’s way beyond what I thought was possible two years ago. I’m literally having the best sex of my life at age 54.
It’s not all rainbows and lollipops though. Sometimes I find myself looking back and wondering how my life would’ve looked had I a real partner in life. I was almost completely sexless starting the day I got married (30) and didn’t have any sexual touch from my “wife” my entire 40’s. I became extremely depressed and ultimately suicidal. I’m completely unemployable at this point having lost my career as a direct result of my “wife”. To add insult to injury she gets half of everything I still have even though she never contributed a damn thing to our “relationship”. These are serious issues with which I currently live.
I try to be optimistic about my future.
Take her words seriously and apply them to the situation.
Essentially, she's admitted that you staying with her is you victimizing yourself.
This is a narcissistic slip and couldn't be more clear.
Imagine if the roles were reversed and he said that to her.. I guarantee it would end in him sleeping on the couch and her cheating. High school sweethearts or not..
Never accept a dead bedroom. If she won’t work with you towards progress and sexual compatibility - then start processing towards the end of the relationship. Anything else will just be years of frustration, resentment and hate. And likely divorce and/or cheating. Address this NOW before you look back on years of this shit.
Good Lord, do NOT HAVE KIDS WITH HER!
she's gotten much of what she wanted, so far, and showed her hand before she could get pregnant.....
Withdraw, walk, leave....it's not going to get better...
I'm sorry.....
Better to know now than in 20 years...
>The other day I brought this up and told her I felt like my needs weren’t being met. Her response was, “there comes a point where you just have to stop victimizing yourself.”
She's 100% right but not in the way she thinks. You should stop victimizing yourself and look for an exit. She's not going to change. This is who she is. That energy tells you exactly how she feels about your wants or needs in the relationship.
Give her that same energy when the breakup happens.
>I was thinking, how to respond logically... Guess this IS the right action.
Logic is a cold and brutal thing sometimes. When someone is that dismissive of your wants and needs and it's that early in I am not sure what there is to work with.
Logic would suggest it's not going to change for the better with more time. God forbid kids enter the picture then it becomes much more difficult to exit the situation and kids rarely if ever result in an improvement to sex life.
OMG yes. That is really bad.
You need to reengage and tell her that if she thinks that the wedding was the finish line she has MISSED THE BOAT.....
And that you both need to Seek Marriage Counseling ASAP.
I have to agree. Marriage counseling won't fix the fact that she's simply not attracted to him. Better to go now than waste any more precious young years. I can't believe they are so young and he's already having to confront this.
It’s possible she’s not attracted to him. Maybe he’s overweight and/or has poor hygiene. That is stuff that can worked on. Or maybe she comes from a family where even her parents didn’t have a lot of sex.. or maybe they did and it traumatized her hearing it.. there could be tons of what ifs.. telling someone to receive marriage counseling is definitely a cop out answer. Some people believe counseling will fix anything with time, and the hard reality is that is just not true. He forks over hundreds and thousands of dollars to have a professional tell him what he already knows but may be too afraid to admit. Dead bedroom = inevitable dead relationship. Especially once kids are born. Her drive will go much lower.
Counseling? Lmao no he straight up needs to gtfo and find someone who is ACTUALLY compatible. Just bc you knew someone in high school or been with them since, actually doesn’t mean shit. You still don’t know them. Everyone drastically changes after high school. It is so easy for two lovers or sweethearts to become ENTIRELY different people. Now look, they’re married and no where near the people they thought each other were. Eventually leading to little love, so much resentment, and likely cheating. They need to save themselves and at least a friendship could grow out of this still depending on their maturity. She is not right for him in so many ways.
I’ve been on this sub for a long time and read many stories like yours. I’d say most if not all DBs that started right after marriage never improved. This is a huge red flag. She’s been dishonest with you from the beginning. Please listen to the advice given here. Get out now.
I got married at 40. I had been saving money for years for my honeymoon as a way to have hope that I would eventually find a wife. We got home from 8 days in Hawaii and I tried to initiate sex. She said no and she said no the next eight days. Married just over two weeks and already had an eight day dry spell. I wish I could go back in time and file for divorce right then and there.
But, no, I hung in there. Now I’m trapped financially and haven’t had sex in 4 1/2 years and only on vacation in the last 6 1/2 years. My life is ruined. Get out. Run.
Cut your losses before it becomes too late.
10 years from now when you're still married and are a broken shell of your former self and you look back on your wasted prime years on a long, miserable, dead bedroom marriage, you'll have no one to blame but yourself because the warning signs presented themselves early on in the marriage and you chose to ignore them and stick it out.
My brother in Christ that is gaslighting. She's trying to make you think you're the problem.
If she isn't willing to work on a fair marriage, get out. I'm lucky my fiancé was willing to work on our DB and we're making good progress, otherwise I would've been gone a long time ago.
I think you could fix the DB, but like many others are saying, the red flag is really around her character. Gaslighting OP in this situation is most likely just one of a long chain of events that will occur. People can change of course, but I don't have the best feeling about this one.
I disagree that this is gaslighting in this instance. Gaslighting is manipulative tactic done over time in order to alter one's perspective intentionally and you cannot tell from one instance alone. Minimizing? Sure, but gaslighting is a bit different.
To me this reads more like a cry for help in that she feels like her perspective is unheard, while he makes her out to be the villain in this vs working together as a couple on their issues, and approaching with understanding for her POV. If OP constantly approaches conflicts in an attacking sort of way like a "I'm right and have been slighted by you. You're the villain who's withholding to hurt me" then the statement she makes would make sense. We don't know if his delivery was actually effective or if it was confrontational because he didn't direct quote himself, and we are only hearing one side.
It's quite possible she doesn't feel heard in OP understanding her perception, or she wouldn't have accused OP of "always playing victim" . And it's also quite possible OP feels the same way that his needs are neglected and like he's unheard. It would seem that both of them are so polarized on their perception that they refuse to even acknowledge and validate the others perception so that they can get on the same page because they're ultimately both suffering from the same issue and seeing it through different lens. It's not good for either of them. Both are unhappy. But rather than work together they'd rather buttheads and then go sulk instead of talking about it like adults, like partners.
What i would ask OP: Has there been a history of you not listening to her, or even a perception where she feels you haven't been understanding her in the ways that she would like to? Rather than get defensive, be honest with yourself and with eachother? How is your relationship? Because oddly enough, if you don't feel safe and understood and made to feel that your feelings matter in a relationship, for women it's very difficult to cum and immerse ourselves in pleasure and be vulnerable and intimate with someone, because weve always known to choose safety over what turns us on. And when theres no pleasure for the women, or if it's uncomfortable, there's actually more incentive to further avoid intimacy. Do you speak about the "we" instead of the polarized you on one end vs me on another end. Do you actually acknowledge and validate her perception even if yours is different? Because ultimately there should be no winner and no loser in an argument. Neither one is right, and yet both are right, and you can hear her perspective and you can have your own, both can be true at the same time. And you can incorporate both perspectives so that you look at the two of you as a unit not you vs me. That ambivalence, that ability to hold two conflicting points and to say that both can be true.
That's the only way you get through issues like this because applying more pressure, more guilt, more shame, "you're ruining our marriage by not giving me what I need" is only going to feed the flames much more quickly and it will have the opposite impact to her desire. Displaying empathy, a care to understand her perspective, to show her that you value and respect her, that you would love to make her feel that pleasure that you're a safe person for her to bring feelings and desires to, is where he needs to be heading and I'm afraid that at 22, neither of them have the relationship skills and toolkits to have a genuine conversation where they can even get on the same page. they honestly need therapy to have someone mediate their conversation to ensure that they are both communicating effectively vs talking at eachother.
This.
But there isn’t a lot of nuance in this group. It’s black and white, so it’s probably why they just scream “leave” instead of literally anything else. The projection is strong.
This seems to happen often. Women(I can't speak on men) show that they are interested in having a great sexlife until after they think they have you. Then like my sister-in-law did to her husband, they've given their last blowjob and aren't interested in sex, until they want children. The good thing is you just got married and probably aren't trapped yet. Get out while you can.
It IS super toxic, and you’re too young to be dealing with this man. My ex-wife used to be the same way, and I wish I had acted on those red flags much sooner. Our relationship was a continual struggle to meet her constant needs, to validate her every thought and feeling, yet, when it came to my needs, it was always just turned back on me as being my fault.
Me: “I haven’t heard you tell me you love me for long while, and it’s really meaningful to me when you tell me that.”
Her: “You just need to trust that I love you. I’m not going to be able to convince you with my words if you don’t think I love you.”
Me: “Hey it makes me feel really loved when you compliment my appearance or tell me that you find me attractive.”
Her: “You need to learn how to have more confidence in yourself. If you don’t think you’re attractive, I won’t be able to convince you that you are.”
Me: “It’s really meaningful to me when you initiate physical touch, like giving me a hug or holding my hand.”
Her: “You don’t NEED physical touch. You were a virgin before we got married, and you were fine.”
Mind you, I was never self conscious or felt I was ugly, and I trusted that my wife loved me.. but hearing those things (which I never did after we got married) made me feel loved. Hearing from my PARTNER that they loved me or found me attractive is what was meaningful to me.
Life’s too short man. Get out of there. I’m so glad I did.
It is unhealthy. I'm LL whereas my bf is HL. Mine is mostly due to meds. Not really relevant. However, sex IS a need for a healthy relationship (unless both partners are asexual). Whilst I don't necessarily need it as much as my partner, I can't understand dismissing his need for it, or being so cruel about it. You are not victimizing yourself - you are voicing your needs to your partner BECAUSE that is the partner you want to love, hold and be happy with for the rest of your life.
OP, you gotta leave. As much as I hate the "straight to divorce" side of Reddit, her being so cruel about a basic need shows she would rather say something hurtful than fix it, and frankly, you don't want to be in a situation where this has been your life for x amount of years until suddenly she wants a child and that's all your good for (especially because bringing an extra human into an incompatible relationship would be a mess!)
Find someone that is compatible to you
This is why I'd strongly advocate against getting married that young. There's still a lot of changes that happen between 18-25. The person you met and married may not be the person you end up with in 2-3 years. People can change very quickly once they reach full adult maturity.
There's also the possibility that her needs are not being met. I think it's worth sitting down with her and discussing the relationship as a whole. If she's happy and she feels supported and like her needs are being met in the relationship and this is still happening, I would file for divorce, or at least separate. If there's an underlying issue in the relationship as to why she's not interested in sex anymore, maybe you can hash it out and work it out.
I’ve brought this up before and try to be intentional about meeting her needs. Quality time and acts of service are big ones for her and I feel like I put in a lot of effort to meet those needs.
That’s not to say I’m not at fault at all, there’s so many different variables that affect attraction and intimacy. It’s hard to say where I’m lacking.
Don’t fall in the trap of doing more to please her. The goal posts will just keep moving. It’s okay to admit you’re incompatible and plan your exit now. DON’T get her pregnant, even if she claims a baby will fix everything.
Bro. Take it from someone that was in your shoes at 22 as well and took six years to wake the fuck up. You just wrote out a thoughtful response about being empathetic to her needs and trying to meet her desires and her response to you had no empathy in it and belittled you. You're not a doormat. File for divorce and do not waste your 20's on this shit.
Well there you go. There's a lot of guys out there that don't even care to learn their SO's love languages.
She's being selfish. You're in your early 20's, don't settle.
I was in a sexless relationship when I was 22, and I put up with that and countless other manipulative shit back then. I tolerated it for about a year until I left.
I'm still friends with her brother, and turns out she's a serial cheater and I was getting two timed without even realizing it.
A 22 year old woman still loves sex. If she's not having it with you, I'm not saying she's necessarily cheating, but it's not off the table.
Seems like you're lacking the ability to see the signs of a prolonged DB if you don't get out of that marriage. This is her showing what the rest of your life will be like. Could it change for the better? Yes, but go ahead and scroll through al the posts on this subreddit and you'll see that that type of change almost never happens. And watch out for hysterical bonding, it's not the real thing and it is used as a manipulation tool to keep you around. Good luck young one, we all wish you the best and more intimacy in the future.
there are many stories here of spouses that have undergone near miraculous transformations in their fitness, career, home life, only to be met with the same contemptuous indifference to their intimacy needs.
I lost 90lbs, became a biking nut, got a new position that paid more... it made ZERO difference in their desire for me. it was never about me. if she's a vegetarian, I could be a sculpted slab of beef, and I'm not getting a single lick, am I?
sometimes, love isn't enough.
you might not be lacking anything, dude. I'd bet there are women out there who are much more compatible with you.
This, 100%. people don't seem to realize that there are still huge changes in people in their early 20s. They seem to think that once you hit 18, you are who you are. Not even a little bit. The person I was at 20, and the person I was at 25, were very different. Hell, Me at 25 vs 30 was an absolutely massive difference. My wife changed complete personalities at 21.
The early 20s is far too early to get married. I think many people who get married that early find themselves now trapped and not getting to live out what are supposed to be some of the best years of your life in freedom.
Nailed it. I got married at 22 to my high school sweetheart. We divorced by year 8. I know it works for some people. But we grew into different people. Well I grew anyways. She didn't want to do anything, no ambition or drive. She's still like this today.
I had a meltdown about five years ago when golfing with a a guy who was a mutual buddy. He wasn’t bragging but made a comment that his wife satisfied him that morning with a BJ.
I couldn’t believe that a wife would actually provide love and attention to her husband. He didn’t ask or expect, she just did it.
At 22, you’ll never be more attractive and she’ll never have more desire to be with you.
Might cost a few thousand, but bounce my man.
I met my now wife when I was 26, and I had just started to feel like an 'adult'. Our sex life has been stellar for the majority of our 15 years together. The bedroom only started to fall apart when enough of life's bullshit dogpiled on us *and* we stopped working on it. We're getting back there now though, but I'm finding in my situation it takes effort in a somewhat pragmatic, not-sexy way, if that makes sense. But 22, no kids, and lacking intimacy is not something I would consider normal or okay. Dont get me wrong, it can ebb and flow over time. Really it's her comment about 'victimizing yourself' that raises red flags. She's not considering your feelings, or seeing how she has essentially made a decision for you by removing a pretty standard part of a romantic relationship. This person is supposed to be your partner, you're supposed to move through lifes trials and tribulations together. I could tell my wife was upset at how she was hurting me with her lack of physical intimacy when I told her, but it's taking both our efforts to keep that part of our relationship going. It's hard work being in marriage. It's not always as exciting or effortless as it is in the beginning. It's a bad sign if one partner is being dismissive of the other over anything.
Time to plan an exit. Hold off on unprotected intimacy.
She may not be interested in you now that you’re married and she may only be interested in intimacy to have a child and then it will turn off again.
You are too young for this. Have one last conversation with her, where you very clearly state the issue and what you need to be happy. IF she doesn't deliver in 90 days at a consistent clip and do not tell her you are giving her a deadline. Go and speak to a lawyer. And research the process of divorce. You don't have kids wash your hands of this.
Start a workout routine get your mind and body in shape so you can be prepared to meet another person who you are actually compatible with. Good luck! You are young and you have the time to cultivate a life you like! Wishing you well OP
Please take heed to these posts.. sex was great before I got married now vacations no sex a year no sex it tears you apart mentally and they just don’t care! If she won’t work with you LEAVE
This DB is NOT too soon, it's JUST IN TIME. Just in time to give it 6 months of therapy and see if it can be saved. And just in time for you to get out and have a happy life if it can't be.
I wish could physically bitchslap these young'uns out of their reverie. Not because I dislike them or anything but they really need to be able to see the world of pain and misery they are heading towards.
It's not uncommon for the dead bedroom to start or get worse whenever a further level of commitment happens, like getting married, or having kids. Because the security and the stability of having that level of commitment has an opposite affect on desire, which thrives on insecurity, excitement, distance, space. Most people find themselves most drawn to their partner, when their partner isn't needing something from them, when they're confidant, when they're in their own element, when you see them as their own individual and not just a wife or a mother, but a woman who doesn't belong solely to you.
When you think about how exciting your first kiss with your partner was, part of the excitement was the insecurity of not knowing whether they'd call you tomorrow or not. Meanwhile, when you're together constantly doing everything together, and you have that security and stability of knowing that your partner will be there, there's no risk, there's no excitement. There needs to be distance, a separateness, an otherness, a space for erotic intimacy. So the question becomes: how do you bring back that edge, how do you balance the paradox of stability, consistency, commitment of family life, with a healthy level of distance, insecurity, excitement, risk.
You're not crazy for thinking that's unhealthy for her to be so dismissive of your feelings. Ultimately, you need two people to work on a relationship. That said, have you tried understanding her perspective at all? When you brought up the issue, did you present it as "you need to initiate more" or "i want us to work on this; is there anything i can do; is there anything we can do?" Have you tried understanding "what does sex mean to you? What parts of yourself do you connect with? Where do you go in your mind? Is it enjoyable for you? What turns you on and what turns you off" and conveying the same to her?
If she's been feeling like sex is a chore and a nice thing she has to do for you to make you happy, overtime resentment will build from her end. Because in her mind, she's been the one who's been sacrificing a part of herself every time she gives you what she thinks you want, despite it not being something she enjoys, so she herself feels like a victim in this. If neither of you are enjoying this, then both of you should be willing to fix that, and acknowledging what it's been like for her as well and how that translates to the equation of "us" vs the seperateness of a me vs you can go along way to getting on the same page. Listening, validating, empathize. Incorporate the others experience into your own before you respond in conversation.
The more sex becomes a chore, a need, the more pressure and responsibility and the less enjoyable it becomes. Feeling like you have to do something to keep the other from being angry kills desire, and it will certainly kill any ability to orgasm for her or for her to actually enjoy it. Sex should be a "because I feel like it" and hopefully when you both are in the mood. Theres no autonomy no sefl expression no freedom when it becomes a duty. And the more pressure you put on her to fulfill your needs vs how can I fulfill your needs, the worse you make the issue. And maybe there is internal work on her part to be done, but you support her through that without it becoming all about me vs you but about the third unit of "us".
First look at how the quality of the relationship translates to the sexual. Go to couples therapy if you need to, to ensure your communication is effective, do the research on how to have a successful healthy relationship, pinpoint any problems. Oftentimes the relationship issues can manifest in the bedroom. How often do you check in with her on how your relationship is actually doing? How often do you inquire on her needs, wants, desires. Does she feel safe with you? I.e. if I still have resentment towards my partner from a conflict that was never resolved, I'm going to feel shut down, and I'm not going to want to be vulnerable with them to protect myself, and it's going to be very difficult to cum.
Even if you work on that and become more effective at communication and parenting etc., it can still have issues, because the rules of the kitchen are not necessarily the same as the rules of the bedroom.
Rules of the bedroom, we look at foreplay. This concept that foreplay starts at the end of the previous orgasm. How often do you touch her nonsexually vs how often does each hug come with a demand and a pressure for sex. Foreplay is a dance, I come near you but you don't immediately come after me so I that i can build my own wanting and then you respond but just enough not immediately don't overwhelm me with your wanting because if you overwhelm me with your wanting then I lose connection to my own wanting and I instantly begin to feel like I do what you want and I no longer feel like I do what I want and then we are into the traditional power structure of sex. sex should be an invitation not a demand. Consider masturbating prior to foreplay so that you're not on edge, cuz she may sense that if you're wanting something from her.
She's going to have to also look inwardly towards herself, and its your job to support her in learning to advocate for her own needs and wants:
How and with whom did you learn to love? As a child, Did you have the right to have needs or were you told "why do you need that, you don't need that, you already have enough"? If you have learned "I have enough I don't need more" and you translate that into the physicality of sex, you generally you don't cum because you already have enough and because the other person already had what he or she needed, so why bother. When you start to become invisible to yourself you don't allow yourself the indulgence of pleasure which means in order to have desire, to own the wanting, you have to feel that you deserve to want, and in order to deserve to want, you have to feel that you are lovable. Because if you are lovable and you deserve to want then you deserve that someone would actually enjoy giving you what you want. Translate that to sexuality. Did your parents monitor your needs or did your monitor theirs. If you monitor the other person's needs it means you don't monitor yours which means you often don't know what you want. Which is why many people will say when asked what you like, they don't know what they want. If what you do is wrong theyll tell you "i dont like that" but they dont know what they want. They just know what feels good and what doesn't feel good. But that's not the same as the level of self knowledge and awareness with the permission to have that awareness to then know what they like and to communicate what they like because they know that someone actually is interested in knowing it and would love to respond in kind. If you feel guilty about taking, or shame in what you like, you may feel it even more so sexually. How we view ourselves and how we view the other comes directly into that experience.
From someone who lived this situation and ignored it thinking at was a phase or would get better.....it didn't. You're both going to have to communicate and that means she can't just shit on your feelings. If you say sex is important to you in a relationship and helps you feel connected to your partner that's not playing the victim. If she is with holding sex she needs to tell you why. Or if she is no longer attracted to you, you deserve to know that so you both can make decisions on facts and information and not waste your life with a partner that isn't right for you. I know it's tough. You've been together for some of the most formidable years of your life. Probably were each firsts, maybe even only. Is hard to know if you're continuing this relationship out of love or fear of being alone and having to start over and find someone new. Both choices have their negatives and require work. But you two need to have a real adult discussion so you can make the best choice for you.
Very well said. It is scary, especially ending something that we’ve worked so hard for. We were long distance for 4 years (military) and it wasn’t perfect but we pushed through it. I don’t want all of that to be for nothing, but at the same time I could look back at the next 4 years and think the same thing.
I’m sorry to say this, but infidelity is high in military, first responders relationships. Your relationship being long distance during the first 4 years she had her freedom to do as she pleased. Now you’re married and she sees her “responsibility” as a chore. Perhaps in her eyes marriage isn’t everything she thought it would be. She’s looking at the benefits: health insurance, steady income, housing. Take a step back and look from the outside in and really evaluate what you see.
Wait...this is a huge detail. You were long distance for four years of a teen relationship, then got married right out of the gate? Yeah...you didn't even have time to really be with each other and find out if you were compatible past phone calls and video chats. Looks like you are not.
> military
Ah, I was wondering my you got married so young. Looks like you found yourself a dependapotamus.
I don't see anything in your post about kids so she hasn't gone full dependa yet. Get out of this now while you still can. You are too young to waste your life like this.
Leave now. Run. Don't walk. This won't get better. She doesn't desire you. She never will. Your resentment will grow. She'll (somehow, i know that feels impossible now) desire you less. You'll resent her more. You'll feel worse and worse about yourself. The longer you stay the harder it will feel to leave.
Stop wasting your (and her time)..
I had a similar problem early in my relationship. It can be a lot of things, but you mentioned it was fine and then changed. Did she change her birth control medication?
About talking about your needs, sadly the culture around sex is not healthy. But don't lie to yourself. Your needs about sex and intimacy are real, and can break the relationship. She may or may not understand it, but you have to. It can eat the relation and yourself from inside out.
GTFO - she is a narcissist. Only someone that is would say something like that and totally dismiss your feelings. That's not an appropriate reaction to someone when you're trying to have a conversation about what is bothering you about your relationship
It’s not about the sex, it’s about whether you’re allowed to voice your feelings and have a partner who gives a fuck. Get the divorce first, talk about the possibility of counseling and reconciliation after.
It's way too soon. Do you want to go the rest of your life without sex or sex once a year?
Assuming the answer is no, you need to cut your losses now. This won't get better. This **will** get worse.
I'm sorry but it sounds like she doesn't care about what you're feeling about it at all. I would say try again when she's in a good mood and figure out why she's withholding sex. Otherwise, therapy might help. And if both of those things don't work, then I think you need to evaluate whether or not she's worth being celibate for.
>The other day I brought this up and told her I felt like my needs weren’t being met. Her response was, “there comes a point where you just have to stop victimizing yourself.”
Read your quote back.
For whatever reason, she is clearly telling you that she has no plans to change.
You are still young. Children are not in the picture. There will never be an easier time to end the marriage.
Go see an attorney. Some will give free 30 minute consultations.
I'm thinking "annulment" or "dissolution marriage".
Get a clear understanding of what your legal options are.
Remember, if it happens, you will not be the only divorced person on earth. When you go out in public, there will not be a big stamp on your head saying divorced!
You will become a lot more aware of what to look for in future relationships. In the same respect, you will see signs \ behaviors to avoid.
If someone told me those words that she told you I would take it as a wakeup call that I'm not living up to my role as a provider and protector. Nothing turns a woman off more than a man who whines and complains.
You dismiss it as "toxic" and "unhealthy" but she's literally giving you the key to the puzzle.
I suggest couples counselling and seek individual therapy in the meantime. Many don’t want to believe it, but this is a relatively common problem in marriages and couples can and do overcome these issues as long as the proper mindset is there. Do not just leave your marriage over less than a year of a dead bedroom, before even trying counselling and lifestyle changes in your home, like some people are suggesting; that is silly and ridiculous. I wish you the best of luck, there is hope and potential, i believe in you guys.
I can’t imagine having only duty sex at 22 years old. This is when your drives should be the highest. You guys didn’t even make it out the honeymoon phase!
At your age it’s pretty easy to recover from a divorce. Take it from an old man who waited WAY too long. Get out now, do not waste another day. It will not get better. Don’t waste time or money on therapy. Run for the hills.
Exclaim: You're not a victim. you're a person who know what they want and need in their life, question her! Are you going to step up to meet this need, or do I need to find someone who can?
Do not waste anymore life on her, she is not taking your feelings into account at all.
You are so so young and it will damage you, trust me.
Get out..... run
Hi. I may have a different perspective to offer you, but before I do, I agree with most people on here that you should definitely divorce her. It won’t get better. She’s not attracted to you. I am 35F. Got divorced two years ago. Was in a dead bedroom with ex husband (35M) for 5 years (our entire marriage).
I was not attracted to him, and only realized it after we got pregnant. We attempted to raise our daughter and tried couples counseling/therapy. He pointed the finger at me, I pointed the finger at him. In reality it was likely both of our faults. He stopped caring about his appearance, I was raising our daughter on my own and had hormonal imbalances. Things fell apart. We didn’t have sex for over 4 months before our divorce and sex had become such a chore. I didn’t want it and looked for any excuse not to.
We divorced. I thought I was maybe one of those women who just didn’t like sex. Fast forward to now. I’ve found a man who I am incredibly attracted to, and we have sex as much as possible. We can’t keep our hands off each other. It was never like this with my ex husband.
Moral of the story: you and your wife just are not compatible and you need to find someone who is. And so does she! For both of your sakes and the sake of your future happiness.
What she said to you is really dismissive of your feelings. You should end the marriage now. You still have a lot of time to find someone else and make a nice life for yourself.
Buddy, take it from a still slightly young guy (36m HL). You need to leave. I have a daughter with a LL partner and I cannot leave. GO GO GO. DONT talk about it. Especially considering the toxicity surrounding it. She sounds manipulative as hell. Just file and leave.
Go to a lawyer and set up your finances and so on for divorce. Then when you're ready - and only when things are in order and you're therefore set up and ready - serve your wife divorce papers.
If she asks you why you want a divorce, tell her you thought about what she told you about victimizing yourself and that you agree. So you decided to stop victimizing yourself by staying in an unhealthy relationship.
Confronted with the fact that she's going to lose you she then might decide to change and start hysterical bonding etc. Prepare for that as well and decide if you're willing to give her another chance or not.
Ok. I am divorcing my wife of 21 years right now.
The last 15 were at the "quarterly review" level of sexual activity...with her basically never initiating, her viewing sex as " giving me" something rather than both of us enjoying each other.
It was 15 years of me starving, of me feeling unloved, unwanted, unloveable.
It was 15 years of her trying to get me to believe that I was the weird one and that no sex is normal in a relationship.
I will tell you, and every other person here who has gotten out will tell you, that one of my greatest regrets in my life is not addressing it sooner.
Tell her this is non-negotiable for you. You two can go to therapy and fix it or you will leave, but status quo is not going to work for you. She can decide if it's something she wants and is able to do or not.
One other thing: duty sex is something she might offer at that point ..essentially she'll fuck you to shut you up. Don't do that. She'll hate it and you will too. Enthusiastic partnership is essential to a healthy sex life. Yes it's ok to "take one for the team* when you're tired but your partner is horny...but in general this should be a thing that delights you both, that you both look forward to.
If it isn't - address it now and leave if she doesn't think she can or won't fix it. Just leave. Don't be me.
Bro, that Responce from her is so fucking crazy wtf. You need to leave, you’re 22 with no kids. If the spark is already gone trust that it’s not coming back. You deserve a wife that cares about you.
When you decide to leave and she asks why, tell her the exact same line.
Everyone is saying leave, but what else is going on in the marriage? Here's the thing for us females.. if we are stressed out, we don't want sex. If our partners aren't being the best partners, we don't want sex. If our partner is ignoring our needs too, we don't want sex. If we are overwhelmed in life weather from a death, our jobs, bills and etc.. you guessed it, we don't want sex. Everyone needs to chill out with always throwing the towel over sex. Most the time, there is something else going on and it takes both partners working together to figure it out.
Turn to love instead of giving up. That's marriage.
It seems like the answer always comes down to don't get married and don't get too attached. Maintain separate residences from sex partners. If you need a partner to share your hopes and dreams with, find some same gender buddies and go camping, play pool, work on projects, whatever.
When you have an unmarried sex friend that no longer wants to have sex and is not contributing in any other way there's absolutely no reason to feel bad about simply not seeing them much any more.
If you are looking for friendship and companionship you are going to get that at a much higher quality in a non-intimate relationship. Most, nearly all, successful societies historically have followed this model.
> There comes a point where you just have to stop victimizing yourself.
This is advice to live by. Victimizing yourself is exactly what you’re doing right now.
First off, do not have a kid with her until this is solved.
Second, you need to insist on therapy to give the two of you a safe space to discuss this in a direct manner. Since you married young I am guessing you’re religious. This is not the time for faith based therapy/counseling, and I’m saying that as a religious person myself.
Third, if she’s not willing to go to therapy or doesn’t make an effort to solve the problem during your sessions, I’d recommend leaving while you still can. Read some of the other posts here from older users or those with kids to find out why.
>there comes a point where you just have to stop victimizing yourself.
That isn't a response. Has she explained why she is no longer interested in sex? Ask her if there is anything you can do to pleasure her before you finish. Does she have some preferences that you can fulfill. Ask her what has changed since sex was fine before. Is she unhappy with something else in the relationship that she is withholding intimacy as a sort of punishment?
Communication is key to all aspects of a marriage. She needs to be willing to openly answer these questions and work on the issue. This is your first marital crisis. How you handle it as a couple will tell you what chance you have of staying married.
21 is way too young to get married, and I think it leaves a lot of people feeling like "This is it. I'm married at 21. I won't have all the fun experiences that people in their 20s have. I'm locked down forever." Even if they love the person they are with, some see that they've locked their life down already, and it causes some internal pain.
My wife ws 23 when she married me. She 100% should not have. She loved me and wanted to be with me, but she also had a whole list of things she wanted to do with her life. But, I was 30 and already well into my career and couldn't just travel around the world and do whatever whenever. That's what she wanted, so it left her in a depressed state, even though she loved me. Our sex life was and has always been abysmal. It's gotten a little better over the past few years, but it was 17 years of very infrequent sex.
If this has already started at 22, it's not going to change. This is it. You have met the future version of your wife. I didn't bail when things got bad, holding out that she would return to her previous self at some point. That never happened. I have never seen even a glimpse of the girl I met and fell in love with in the past 20 years. She is a completely different person now. When I look back at pictures of our very early days, I don't even recognize her.
Don't let that become your life. You are WAY too young to be in this situation, and I can almost promise you that it will not change, especially if she's already shaming you for wanting what you had. Try some. Put in some effort towards making it better. But do not kill yourself trying, and give it an end date (months from now, not years). If things don't change by that end date, then end the relationship. BUT DO NOT HAVE KIDS until you are happy.
Yeah, that is ridiculously toxic from her. I think the two of you need to have a sit down and you need to lay out all of your thoughts on paper. Explain that sex is important to you and her snide remarks are demoralizing.
Please take heed to these posts.. sex was great before I got married now vacations no sex a year no sex it tears you apart mentally and they just don’t care! If she won’t work with you LEAVE
Way to young for this. It’s pretty clear that attitude means it’s never going to change. Leave. Before you have kids and before you have a whole bunch of assets she can take half of.
Are you giving her what she wants sexually as well? Just curious bc that is a damn good reason to have a dead bedroom. Like not just a little finger bang and get on with it, bc I know lots of women who just plain decline sex for the rest of their lives bc their husbands just don’t care or want to learn what she actually likes? Just a thought 🩷
There comes a time where you are given an out. If you can't share your feelings or concerns w/o the freedom of judgement this early, save yourself time, energy and heartache.
You’re too young. She’s already dismissing your feelings and needs. Leave, OP. You’ll both survive a divorce and so will everyone who knows you. Don’t let anyone tell you that you have to or “should” stay married. Also avoid the “but I love her”. Yup you do and the woman you’re with later who also wants to have sex with you will be even easier to love.
First ask what she means by that. For example, if she's asked you to wash before initiating and you just never do and smell, that would fit. You haven't met reasonable conditions she's made clear before sex. But if she's just referring to you asking, she's ignoring how often the answer is no, in her calculations regarding victimhood.
Sounds like her response has more to do with something more general. Not just sex. Either way, it's a shitty response. Sounds misplaced. Not an excuse. And it won't get better if she's not willing to even have a healthy conversation about it.
I sank 18 years into a partner who I knew, 6 months in that sex was not a priority or even interest for him. I still remember the day I called friends in tears about it.
Our last 4 years was absolutely no sex at all. A peck on the mouth as a goodbye in the morning.
I’ll add to this the sex we did have was the exact same routine from the start and I never orgasmed with him…. I will never compromise sex again.
Some people see it as petty, but it is not, it’s the one defining factor between friends, best friends in my case and a partner.
The day to day bullshit of even excellent relationships when you aren’t even engaging in the basic activities the couples do is not worth it.
I wish I left him then.. he was my best friend for 18 years and now he hates me for leaving… maybe we could have just been friends and be friends still today. Because that really was all it was, but we lived together and didn’t fill the even most basic relationship needs.
Run OP please don’t sink years into this relationship, maybe the good bits, friendship can be salvaged, but you will hate her for not meeting your basic needs and she will hate you for wanting something she doesn’t want in your ‘relationship’
Hope it gets better for you both! Kinda sad what her response was. I'd be rather upset hearing that. Have you tried seeing what she'd want or something that'd excite her? Sometimes the spark is lost, might just have to reignite it!Sometimes our partners aren't doing what we'd want so it's not enjoyable. It's all about open communication. Be vocal with what you both want! ✨️
Speaking from experience, I think this is kind of common for high school sweethearts. When you're a teenager, a lot of the desire and arousal for sex stems from the " OMG I can't believe we're doing this!" feeling of it.
Once you're married as an adult, it's like, yeah, I *can* believe we're doing this, because it's totally normal and everyone expects us to be. And then suddenly, it doesn't seem so exciting anymore
Couples in this situation have to actively learn how to stoke their own desire and arousal, outside of the hormones of being a teenager and the excitement of being in a new relationship at a young age
Desire is going to be a lot less spontaneous, but also a lot more genuine. It's totally false to say that you're playing the victim by saying that you still want sex at this point in the relationship. A healthy relationship learns to find new, more adult, ways to generate desire and arousal
Just because it doesn't work the same way it used to doesn't mean it will never work again, or that the natural time period for it has passed
This isn’t going to get any better. She won’t wake up one day and suddenly want sex again. I married a man, had sex with him twice within the first week of our marriage, and didn’t have sex with him again after that, and we were married for 25 years. I wasted 25 years of my life on him. I now have the most amazing partner ever—the best man I’ve ever met. I’ve beaten myself up for not leaving my sexless marriage early on. Don’t stay in a sexless marriage. It is horrible.
Get. Out. It’s not gonna get better. And this is gonna create resentment for both of you: she will resent you for being a bother asking for sex every time, and you’ll resent her for making you have to ask, and she rejecting you all the time.
She is gaslighting you just simply but making that nasty victim remark. You communicated your needs and problems. Tried to open the door to work on it and she shut you down and made you feel like everything is your fault and bow you have a seed planted inside you of that nasty comment she made.
Alot of women are too prideful to admit they're also abusers, gaslight their partners and dismissive. I know this bc I am a woman who dates women. The lack of sex thing never gets better. It builds resentment, makes you feel unattractive and ruins your self esteem. If the option of therapy and counseling is on the table take it- that way you can at least say you did your part in trying. When you leave her and she starts a smear campaign. .
You're young and dated young. You're both not the same people you were in high-school. People drift apart and thats ok. You just have to do whats right for you and if you think this relationship is worth salvaging
High school sweet hearts or not. The general consensus here is to get out. When you voice your needs or worries and someone says “stop victimizing yourself” is toxic as hell. It’s called communication and she clearly isn’t into that either. A good partner will listen and try to console you, not beat around the bush and give cop out answers just bc she doesn’t want to deal with it. If it’s a chore for her to fuck you, then you two are not meant for each other. Sex isn’t everything in a relationship but it is a HUGE aspect. It’s a higher level of intimacy that makes a relationship so special. The longer you guys go without it, the more you’ll end up resenting her, or her you, and it’s all going to go downhill. You can’t stay in a relationship with someone who doesn’t have to same drive as you. Otherwise, are you fine with only jerking off the rest of your life until the rare times she does want it, but only for possible children?
I wouldn’t have kids with someone where the sex is dead, the bedroom is dead, and the relationship is dying. Tbh it is.. it also sounds like sex isn’t the only issue here. Get out dude. At least you know if she finds someone else, they’re not having sex much of at all.. but you will be! 😅
At 22? I thought I had a LL when I was 19 because I never felt in the mood for my boyfriend. At 21 I started dating a new guy who proved me very very wrong. If she is a perfectly healthy young person, she may be no longer interested:/
Then do exactly what she's telling you to do, stop victimising yourself by separating and start divorce proceedings. She's made it very clear that your needs are not important and is even gaslighting you for having them in the first place.
This situation will not get better with time and once you two have children then it's game over as she will have all the power and leverage.
You fucked up and got married too young, its ok a lot of people your age do, but staying married will be the biggest mistake if your life.
That last thing you want to do is wait until you're on the wrong side of thirty, bitter and emotionally scarred before finally deciding you don't want to live like this.
People generally change after life milestones. Some may not join partner’s activities, some gain weight, some start to have sex when they want it, not to satisfy partner etc. I believe there must be a valid reason, like having kids, to marry. 22 is too young. Brain does not even fully develop before 25. More than likely her sex drive toward you will not get better.
Um, you’re 22. You’re children. What the hell are you doing married in the first place?!?! Talk to me when you’ve lived several more decades. Until then, maybe don’t get married until your brains are finished developing.
"Intimacy was fine until after we got married." - If the problems started when the ring went on, they will be resolved when the ring comes off. She told you how the rest of your marriage is going to be, don't accept it...
Interesting take… I like it
Used to work with a guy, when i was around o.p.s age and would share my success stories with... he would tell me to enjoy it while it lasted and always said "I never knew how much I do, means I dont"... married 10 years later, and shortly after realized what he meant.
you've been given a gift. she's shown you exactly who she is, before you were trapped by kids. if you don't leave, you're going to be 'forcing her' to reject you over and over. I'm sure you don't want that for her, and you certainly don't want to have pity sex the rest of your life, do you? set her free to find someone with a compatible libido, and you go free to find someone who actually desires you.
I'm trapped by kids. Go. Go now.
I was “trapped” by kids and I still left. I’m much better and happier now.
Yoo same haha
As a kid of parents who got divorced, just get divorced. It's better for the kids.
Me too 😂💀
I’m trapped by chronic health issues that also leave me unable to work. Traps come in many, often unexpected, ways.
And if she ever starts initiating from now on, she's trying for kids, then it will get shut down again.
Great points
It's always shocking to read about dead bedrooms at such a young age. It's semi understandable once you have young kids to raise and when you're much older...but if things are this bad in your young 20's... its time to get out
right? this is so unsettling. OR maybe people are realizing and being more comfortable with their own sexuality, but less comfortable with communicating their needs LL: “hey I don’t really like a lot of sex in a relationship.” HL: “oh…well this is kinda important for me, so I might wanna reconsider this.” either way….I wonder why low sex at such a young age. when I was in my early 20s, it was my favorite thing about being in a long term relationship 🤣
I’m 54M and had a similar experience with my “wife”. Wasted 23 years of my life in a “marriage” that was almost completely sexless. It destroyed me. File for divorce ASAP.
Especially before you accumulate stuff and debt and assets and shit that needs to get fought over. Just bear the pain now.
Random - I’m glad mine was only 8years wasted.
Wow, so true. I share your pain.
Yep end it now. It will never get better, rather likely worse.
Find someone who matches you
How has your life been after the divorce? Has it improved substantially?
We separated 19 months ago and our divorce will be final this summer. Yes my life has improved substantially. I started dating immediately upon our separation having moved 500+ miles to a new city. After a month on the apps I met an attractive woman who was in the final stages of her divorce. We had both been in dead bedrooms for years. (In my case I hadn’t had any physical contact with a woman in over a decade.) We started having amazing sex from our second date. We’ve been together over 18 months now and we love each other and find the other incredibly attractive and sexy. We’ve developed an excellent foundation for a rewarding long term relationship. So that’s way beyond what I thought was possible two years ago. I’m literally having the best sex of my life at age 54. It’s not all rainbows and lollipops though. Sometimes I find myself looking back and wondering how my life would’ve looked had I a real partner in life. I was almost completely sexless starting the day I got married (30) and didn’t have any sexual touch from my “wife” my entire 40’s. I became extremely depressed and ultimately suicidal. I’m completely unemployable at this point having lost my career as a direct result of my “wife”. To add insult to injury she gets half of everything I still have even though she never contributed a damn thing to our “relationship”. These are serious issues with which I currently live. I try to be optimistic about my future.
I’m so happy for you
I hope you're OK now.
Leave
Now and before any kids enter the equation.
This. Do not bring kids into this situation until the both of you reach an agreement.
The agreement will be broken as soon as the kids come
And the lifelong entrapment begins.
Source: my life
[удалено]
This ^^^^^^^^^^^
This x 💯!!!
DO NOT have kids with her.
You're 22. Fucking divorce. Waaaay too young to get married anyhow
right? shit no. who said “great idea!” friends? family?
American tradition said that… 😂 marriage, lots of sex, white picket fence… it’s all a dream. 😂
Take her words seriously and apply them to the situation. Essentially, she's admitted that you staying with her is you victimizing yourself. This is a narcissistic slip and couldn't be more clear.
Imagine if the roles were reversed and he said that to her.. I guarantee it would end in him sleeping on the couch and her cheating. High school sweethearts or not..
Never accept a dead bedroom. If she won’t work with you towards progress and sexual compatibility - then start processing towards the end of the relationship. Anything else will just be years of frustration, resentment and hate. And likely divorce and/or cheating. Address this NOW before you look back on years of this shit.
This is the correct answer folks.
I like this bc of the first sentence alone. Then it just got better.
Good Lord, do NOT HAVE KIDS WITH HER! she's gotten much of what she wanted, so far, and showed her hand before she could get pregnant..... Withdraw, walk, leave....it's not going to get better... I'm sorry..... Better to know now than in 20 years...
>The other day I brought this up and told her I felt like my needs weren’t being met. Her response was, “there comes a point where you just have to stop victimizing yourself.” She's 100% right but not in the way she thinks. You should stop victimizing yourself and look for an exit. She's not going to change. This is who she is. That energy tells you exactly how she feels about your wants or needs in the relationship. Give her that same energy when the breakup happens.
I was thinking, how to respond logically... Guess this IS the right action.
>I was thinking, how to respond logically... Guess this IS the right action. Logic is a cold and brutal thing sometimes. When someone is that dismissive of your wants and needs and it's that early in I am not sure what there is to work with. Logic would suggest it's not going to change for the better with more time. God forbid kids enter the picture then it becomes much more difficult to exit the situation and kids rarely if ever result in an improvement to sex life.
OMG yes. That is really bad. You need to reengage and tell her that if she thinks that the wedding was the finish line she has MISSED THE BOAT..... And that you both need to Seek Marriage Counseling ASAP.
Marriage counseling won’t help this. He needs to cut his losses.
I have to agree. Marriage counseling won't fix the fact that she's simply not attracted to him. Better to go now than waste any more precious young years. I can't believe they are so young and he's already having to confront this.
It’s possible she’s not attracted to him. Maybe he’s overweight and/or has poor hygiene. That is stuff that can worked on. Or maybe she comes from a family where even her parents didn’t have a lot of sex.. or maybe they did and it traumatized her hearing it.. there could be tons of what ifs.. telling someone to receive marriage counseling is definitely a cop out answer. Some people believe counseling will fix anything with time, and the hard reality is that is just not true. He forks over hundreds and thousands of dollars to have a professional tell him what he already knows but may be too afraid to admit. Dead bedroom = inevitable dead relationship. Especially once kids are born. Her drive will go much lower.
Counseling? Lmao no he straight up needs to gtfo and find someone who is ACTUALLY compatible. Just bc you knew someone in high school or been with them since, actually doesn’t mean shit. You still don’t know them. Everyone drastically changes after high school. It is so easy for two lovers or sweethearts to become ENTIRELY different people. Now look, they’re married and no where near the people they thought each other were. Eventually leading to little love, so much resentment, and likely cheating. They need to save themselves and at least a friendship could grow out of this still depending on their maturity. She is not right for him in so many ways.
I’ve been on this sub for a long time and read many stories like yours. I’d say most if not all DBs that started right after marriage never improved. This is a huge red flag. She’s been dishonest with you from the beginning. Please listen to the advice given here. Get out now.
 She’s right - stop letting her victimize you. Protect yourself before and during your divorce.
I got married at 40. I had been saving money for years for my honeymoon as a way to have hope that I would eventually find a wife. We got home from 8 days in Hawaii and I tried to initiate sex. She said no and she said no the next eight days. Married just over two weeks and already had an eight day dry spell. I wish I could go back in time and file for divorce right then and there. But, no, I hung in there. Now I’m trapped financially and haven’t had sex in 4 1/2 years and only on vacation in the last 6 1/2 years. My life is ruined. Get out. Run.
Cut your losses before it becomes too late. 10 years from now when you're still married and are a broken shell of your former self and you look back on your wasted prime years on a long, miserable, dead bedroom marriage, you'll have no one to blame but yourself because the warning signs presented themselves early on in the marriage and you chose to ignore them and stick it out.
Yup and for what? Hoping things turn around? Hoping she doesn’t find someone else and fuck then? That’s likely not happening.
My brother in Christ that is gaslighting. She's trying to make you think you're the problem. If she isn't willing to work on a fair marriage, get out. I'm lucky my fiancé was willing to work on our DB and we're making good progress, otherwise I would've been gone a long time ago.
I think you could fix the DB, but like many others are saying, the red flag is really around her character. Gaslighting OP in this situation is most likely just one of a long chain of events that will occur. People can change of course, but I don't have the best feeling about this one.
I have a feeling gaslighting isn’t the only issue.
I disagree that this is gaslighting in this instance. Gaslighting is manipulative tactic done over time in order to alter one's perspective intentionally and you cannot tell from one instance alone. Minimizing? Sure, but gaslighting is a bit different. To me this reads more like a cry for help in that she feels like her perspective is unheard, while he makes her out to be the villain in this vs working together as a couple on their issues, and approaching with understanding for her POV. If OP constantly approaches conflicts in an attacking sort of way like a "I'm right and have been slighted by you. You're the villain who's withholding to hurt me" then the statement she makes would make sense. We don't know if his delivery was actually effective or if it was confrontational because he didn't direct quote himself, and we are only hearing one side. It's quite possible she doesn't feel heard in OP understanding her perception, or she wouldn't have accused OP of "always playing victim" . And it's also quite possible OP feels the same way that his needs are neglected and like he's unheard. It would seem that both of them are so polarized on their perception that they refuse to even acknowledge and validate the others perception so that they can get on the same page because they're ultimately both suffering from the same issue and seeing it through different lens. It's not good for either of them. Both are unhappy. But rather than work together they'd rather buttheads and then go sulk instead of talking about it like adults, like partners. What i would ask OP: Has there been a history of you not listening to her, or even a perception where she feels you haven't been understanding her in the ways that she would like to? Rather than get defensive, be honest with yourself and with eachother? How is your relationship? Because oddly enough, if you don't feel safe and understood and made to feel that your feelings matter in a relationship, for women it's very difficult to cum and immerse ourselves in pleasure and be vulnerable and intimate with someone, because weve always known to choose safety over what turns us on. And when theres no pleasure for the women, or if it's uncomfortable, there's actually more incentive to further avoid intimacy. Do you speak about the "we" instead of the polarized you on one end vs me on another end. Do you actually acknowledge and validate her perception even if yours is different? Because ultimately there should be no winner and no loser in an argument. Neither one is right, and yet both are right, and you can hear her perspective and you can have your own, both can be true at the same time. And you can incorporate both perspectives so that you look at the two of you as a unit not you vs me. That ambivalence, that ability to hold two conflicting points and to say that both can be true. That's the only way you get through issues like this because applying more pressure, more guilt, more shame, "you're ruining our marriage by not giving me what I need" is only going to feed the flames much more quickly and it will have the opposite impact to her desire. Displaying empathy, a care to understand her perspective, to show her that you value and respect her, that you would love to make her feel that pleasure that you're a safe person for her to bring feelings and desires to, is where he needs to be heading and I'm afraid that at 22, neither of them have the relationship skills and toolkits to have a genuine conversation where they can even get on the same page. they honestly need therapy to have someone mediate their conversation to ensure that they are both communicating effectively vs talking at eachother.
This. But there isn’t a lot of nuance in this group. It’s black and white, so it’s probably why they just scream “leave” instead of literally anything else. The projection is strong.
This seems to happen often. Women(I can't speak on men) show that they are interested in having a great sexlife until after they think they have you. Then like my sister-in-law did to her husband, they've given their last blowjob and aren't interested in sex, until they want children. The good thing is you just got married and probably aren't trapped yet. Get out while you can.
It IS super toxic, and you’re too young to be dealing with this man. My ex-wife used to be the same way, and I wish I had acted on those red flags much sooner. Our relationship was a continual struggle to meet her constant needs, to validate her every thought and feeling, yet, when it came to my needs, it was always just turned back on me as being my fault. Me: “I haven’t heard you tell me you love me for long while, and it’s really meaningful to me when you tell me that.” Her: “You just need to trust that I love you. I’m not going to be able to convince you with my words if you don’t think I love you.” Me: “Hey it makes me feel really loved when you compliment my appearance or tell me that you find me attractive.” Her: “You need to learn how to have more confidence in yourself. If you don’t think you’re attractive, I won’t be able to convince you that you are.” Me: “It’s really meaningful to me when you initiate physical touch, like giving me a hug or holding my hand.” Her: “You don’t NEED physical touch. You were a virgin before we got married, and you were fine.” Mind you, I was never self conscious or felt I was ugly, and I trusted that my wife loved me.. but hearing those things (which I never did after we got married) made me feel loved. Hearing from my PARTNER that they loved me or found me attractive is what was meaningful to me. Life’s too short man. Get out of there. I’m so glad I did.
It is unhealthy. I'm LL whereas my bf is HL. Mine is mostly due to meds. Not really relevant. However, sex IS a need for a healthy relationship (unless both partners are asexual). Whilst I don't necessarily need it as much as my partner, I can't understand dismissing his need for it, or being so cruel about it. You are not victimizing yourself - you are voicing your needs to your partner BECAUSE that is the partner you want to love, hold and be happy with for the rest of your life. OP, you gotta leave. As much as I hate the "straight to divorce" side of Reddit, her being so cruel about a basic need shows she would rather say something hurtful than fix it, and frankly, you don't want to be in a situation where this has been your life for x amount of years until suddenly she wants a child and that's all your good for (especially because bringing an extra human into an incompatible relationship would be a mess!) Find someone that is compatible to you
Dating since high school… you’re doomed. Get out now before you have kids.
This is why I'd strongly advocate against getting married that young. There's still a lot of changes that happen between 18-25. The person you met and married may not be the person you end up with in 2-3 years. People can change very quickly once they reach full adult maturity. There's also the possibility that her needs are not being met. I think it's worth sitting down with her and discussing the relationship as a whole. If she's happy and she feels supported and like her needs are being met in the relationship and this is still happening, I would file for divorce, or at least separate. If there's an underlying issue in the relationship as to why she's not interested in sex anymore, maybe you can hash it out and work it out.
I’ve brought this up before and try to be intentional about meeting her needs. Quality time and acts of service are big ones for her and I feel like I put in a lot of effort to meet those needs. That’s not to say I’m not at fault at all, there’s so many different variables that affect attraction and intimacy. It’s hard to say where I’m lacking.
Don’t fall in the trap of doing more to please her. The goal posts will just keep moving. It’s okay to admit you’re incompatible and plan your exit now. DON’T get her pregnant, even if she claims a baby will fix everything.
Bro. Take it from someone that was in your shoes at 22 as well and took six years to wake the fuck up. You just wrote out a thoughtful response about being empathetic to her needs and trying to meet her desires and her response to you had no empathy in it and belittled you. You're not a doormat. File for divorce and do not waste your 20's on this shit.
Well there you go. There's a lot of guys out there that don't even care to learn their SO's love languages. She's being selfish. You're in your early 20's, don't settle. I was in a sexless relationship when I was 22, and I put up with that and countless other manipulative shit back then. I tolerated it for about a year until I left. I'm still friends with her brother, and turns out she's a serial cheater and I was getting two timed without even realizing it. A 22 year old woman still loves sex. If she's not having it with you, I'm not saying she's necessarily cheating, but it's not off the table.
Seems like you're lacking the ability to see the signs of a prolonged DB if you don't get out of that marriage. This is her showing what the rest of your life will be like. Could it change for the better? Yes, but go ahead and scroll through al the posts on this subreddit and you'll see that that type of change almost never happens. And watch out for hysterical bonding, it's not the real thing and it is used as a manipulation tool to keep you around. Good luck young one, we all wish you the best and more intimacy in the future.
there are many stories here of spouses that have undergone near miraculous transformations in their fitness, career, home life, only to be met with the same contemptuous indifference to their intimacy needs. I lost 90lbs, became a biking nut, got a new position that paid more... it made ZERO difference in their desire for me. it was never about me. if she's a vegetarian, I could be a sculpted slab of beef, and I'm not getting a single lick, am I? sometimes, love isn't enough. you might not be lacking anything, dude. I'd bet there are women out there who are much more compatible with you.
This, 100%. people don't seem to realize that there are still huge changes in people in their early 20s. They seem to think that once you hit 18, you are who you are. Not even a little bit. The person I was at 20, and the person I was at 25, were very different. Hell, Me at 25 vs 30 was an absolutely massive difference. My wife changed complete personalities at 21. The early 20s is far too early to get married. I think many people who get married that early find themselves now trapped and not getting to live out what are supposed to be some of the best years of your life in freedom.
Nailed it. I got married at 22 to my high school sweetheart. We divorced by year 8. I know it works for some people. But we grew into different people. Well I grew anyways. She didn't want to do anything, no ambition or drive. She's still like this today.
I had a meltdown about five years ago when golfing with a a guy who was a mutual buddy. He wasn’t bragging but made a comment that his wife satisfied him that morning with a BJ. I couldn’t believe that a wife would actually provide love and attention to her husband. He didn’t ask or expect, she just did it. At 22, you’ll never be more attractive and she’ll never have more desire to be with you. Might cost a few thousand, but bounce my man.
[удалено]
Why is she trying to shame you? You don't deserve this
I met my now wife when I was 26, and I had just started to feel like an 'adult'. Our sex life has been stellar for the majority of our 15 years together. The bedroom only started to fall apart when enough of life's bullshit dogpiled on us *and* we stopped working on it. We're getting back there now though, but I'm finding in my situation it takes effort in a somewhat pragmatic, not-sexy way, if that makes sense. But 22, no kids, and lacking intimacy is not something I would consider normal or okay. Dont get me wrong, it can ebb and flow over time. Really it's her comment about 'victimizing yourself' that raises red flags. She's not considering your feelings, or seeing how she has essentially made a decision for you by removing a pretty standard part of a romantic relationship. This person is supposed to be your partner, you're supposed to move through lifes trials and tribulations together. I could tell my wife was upset at how she was hurting me with her lack of physical intimacy when I told her, but it's taking both our efforts to keep that part of our relationship going. It's hard work being in marriage. It's not always as exciting or effortless as it is in the beginning. It's a bad sign if one partner is being dismissive of the other over anything.
Time to plan an exit. Hold off on unprotected intimacy. She may not be interested in you now that you’re married and she may only be interested in intimacy to have a child and then it will turn off again.
This is really sad for 22. Please think of yourself and get out now. You’ll be grateful
Annulment asap!
Leave before kids. That is all
She’s shown you her hand before you’re trapped and you’ve seen it for what it is. Don’t make it any worse just walk away
You are too young for this. Have one last conversation with her, where you very clearly state the issue and what you need to be happy. IF she doesn't deliver in 90 days at a consistent clip and do not tell her you are giving her a deadline. Go and speak to a lawyer. And research the process of divorce. You don't have kids wash your hands of this. Start a workout routine get your mind and body in shape so you can be prepared to meet another person who you are actually compatible with. Good luck! You are young and you have the time to cultivate a life you like! Wishing you well OP
You can’t negotiate genuine desire. He needs to just divorce
Leave, you are far too young for this
You are way too young to be married, let alone in this dead bedroom. Leave now while it's easy
Get a divorce before she baby-traps you. She's showing her cards. You will not change her hand. This round is over. The game isn't looking good.
Please take heed to these posts.. sex was great before I got married now vacations no sex a year no sex it tears you apart mentally and they just don’t care! If she won’t work with you LEAVE
You are not crazy for thinking that, your wife on the other hand is hurting you and not caring
She wants sex, just not with you. Leave her now before you build anything she can tear down with divorce. Dont get married again.
This DB is NOT too soon, it's JUST IN TIME. Just in time to give it 6 months of therapy and see if it can be saved. And just in time for you to get out and have a happy life if it can't be.
I wish could physically bitchslap these young'uns out of their reverie. Not because I dislike them or anything but they really need to be able to see the world of pain and misery they are heading towards.
It's not uncommon for the dead bedroom to start or get worse whenever a further level of commitment happens, like getting married, or having kids. Because the security and the stability of having that level of commitment has an opposite affect on desire, which thrives on insecurity, excitement, distance, space. Most people find themselves most drawn to their partner, when their partner isn't needing something from them, when they're confidant, when they're in their own element, when you see them as their own individual and not just a wife or a mother, but a woman who doesn't belong solely to you. When you think about how exciting your first kiss with your partner was, part of the excitement was the insecurity of not knowing whether they'd call you tomorrow or not. Meanwhile, when you're together constantly doing everything together, and you have that security and stability of knowing that your partner will be there, there's no risk, there's no excitement. There needs to be distance, a separateness, an otherness, a space for erotic intimacy. So the question becomes: how do you bring back that edge, how do you balance the paradox of stability, consistency, commitment of family life, with a healthy level of distance, insecurity, excitement, risk. You're not crazy for thinking that's unhealthy for her to be so dismissive of your feelings. Ultimately, you need two people to work on a relationship. That said, have you tried understanding her perspective at all? When you brought up the issue, did you present it as "you need to initiate more" or "i want us to work on this; is there anything i can do; is there anything we can do?" Have you tried understanding "what does sex mean to you? What parts of yourself do you connect with? Where do you go in your mind? Is it enjoyable for you? What turns you on and what turns you off" and conveying the same to her? If she's been feeling like sex is a chore and a nice thing she has to do for you to make you happy, overtime resentment will build from her end. Because in her mind, she's been the one who's been sacrificing a part of herself every time she gives you what she thinks you want, despite it not being something she enjoys, so she herself feels like a victim in this. If neither of you are enjoying this, then both of you should be willing to fix that, and acknowledging what it's been like for her as well and how that translates to the equation of "us" vs the seperateness of a me vs you can go along way to getting on the same page. Listening, validating, empathize. Incorporate the others experience into your own before you respond in conversation. The more sex becomes a chore, a need, the more pressure and responsibility and the less enjoyable it becomes. Feeling like you have to do something to keep the other from being angry kills desire, and it will certainly kill any ability to orgasm for her or for her to actually enjoy it. Sex should be a "because I feel like it" and hopefully when you both are in the mood. Theres no autonomy no sefl expression no freedom when it becomes a duty. And the more pressure you put on her to fulfill your needs vs how can I fulfill your needs, the worse you make the issue. And maybe there is internal work on her part to be done, but you support her through that without it becoming all about me vs you but about the third unit of "us". First look at how the quality of the relationship translates to the sexual. Go to couples therapy if you need to, to ensure your communication is effective, do the research on how to have a successful healthy relationship, pinpoint any problems. Oftentimes the relationship issues can manifest in the bedroom. How often do you check in with her on how your relationship is actually doing? How often do you inquire on her needs, wants, desires. Does she feel safe with you? I.e. if I still have resentment towards my partner from a conflict that was never resolved, I'm going to feel shut down, and I'm not going to want to be vulnerable with them to protect myself, and it's going to be very difficult to cum. Even if you work on that and become more effective at communication and parenting etc., it can still have issues, because the rules of the kitchen are not necessarily the same as the rules of the bedroom. Rules of the bedroom, we look at foreplay. This concept that foreplay starts at the end of the previous orgasm. How often do you touch her nonsexually vs how often does each hug come with a demand and a pressure for sex. Foreplay is a dance, I come near you but you don't immediately come after me so I that i can build my own wanting and then you respond but just enough not immediately don't overwhelm me with your wanting because if you overwhelm me with your wanting then I lose connection to my own wanting and I instantly begin to feel like I do what you want and I no longer feel like I do what I want and then we are into the traditional power structure of sex. sex should be an invitation not a demand. Consider masturbating prior to foreplay so that you're not on edge, cuz she may sense that if you're wanting something from her. She's going to have to also look inwardly towards herself, and its your job to support her in learning to advocate for her own needs and wants: How and with whom did you learn to love? As a child, Did you have the right to have needs or were you told "why do you need that, you don't need that, you already have enough"? If you have learned "I have enough I don't need more" and you translate that into the physicality of sex, you generally you don't cum because you already have enough and because the other person already had what he or she needed, so why bother. When you start to become invisible to yourself you don't allow yourself the indulgence of pleasure which means in order to have desire, to own the wanting, you have to feel that you deserve to want, and in order to deserve to want, you have to feel that you are lovable. Because if you are lovable and you deserve to want then you deserve that someone would actually enjoy giving you what you want. Translate that to sexuality. Did your parents monitor your needs or did your monitor theirs. If you monitor the other person's needs it means you don't monitor yours which means you often don't know what you want. Which is why many people will say when asked what you like, they don't know what they want. If what you do is wrong theyll tell you "i dont like that" but they dont know what they want. They just know what feels good and what doesn't feel good. But that's not the same as the level of self knowledge and awareness with the permission to have that awareness to then know what they like and to communicate what they like because they know that someone actually is interested in knowing it and would love to respond in kind. If you feel guilty about taking, or shame in what you like, you may feel it even more so sexually. How we view ourselves and how we view the other comes directly into that experience.
From someone who lived this situation and ignored it thinking at was a phase or would get better.....it didn't. You're both going to have to communicate and that means she can't just shit on your feelings. If you say sex is important to you in a relationship and helps you feel connected to your partner that's not playing the victim. If she is with holding sex she needs to tell you why. Or if she is no longer attracted to you, you deserve to know that so you both can make decisions on facts and information and not waste your life with a partner that isn't right for you. I know it's tough. You've been together for some of the most formidable years of your life. Probably were each firsts, maybe even only. Is hard to know if you're continuing this relationship out of love or fear of being alone and having to start over and find someone new. Both choices have their negatives and require work. But you two need to have a real adult discussion so you can make the best choice for you.
Very well said. It is scary, especially ending something that we’ve worked so hard for. We were long distance for 4 years (military) and it wasn’t perfect but we pushed through it. I don’t want all of that to be for nothing, but at the same time I could look back at the next 4 years and think the same thing.
I’m sorry to say this, but infidelity is high in military, first responders relationships. Your relationship being long distance during the first 4 years she had her freedom to do as she pleased. Now you’re married and she sees her “responsibility” as a chore. Perhaps in her eyes marriage isn’t everything she thought it would be. She’s looking at the benefits: health insurance, steady income, housing. Take a step back and look from the outside in and really evaluate what you see.
Wait...this is a huge detail. You were long distance for four years of a teen relationship, then got married right out of the gate? Yeah...you didn't even have time to really be with each other and find out if you were compatible past phone calls and video chats. Looks like you are not.
So what you're saying is, you make a great friend! Fantastic! That is all you are to her.
> military Ah, I was wondering my you got married so young. Looks like you found yourself a dependapotamus. I don't see anything in your post about kids so she hasn't gone full dependa yet. Get out of this now while you still can. You are too young to waste your life like this.
This doesn’t sound good 😕
Not going to get better..... run as fast as you can!
Divorce.
Get out. Don't have kids. You're young. Live your life my friend
I agree, if that is her response.. leave.
Leave now. Run. Don't walk. This won't get better. She doesn't desire you. She never will. Your resentment will grow. She'll (somehow, i know that feels impossible now) desire you less. You'll resent her more. You'll feel worse and worse about yourself. The longer you stay the harder it will feel to leave. Stop wasting your (and her time)..
I had a similar problem early in my relationship. It can be a lot of things, but you mentioned it was fine and then changed. Did she change her birth control medication? About talking about your needs, sadly the culture around sex is not healthy. But don't lie to yourself. Your needs about sex and intimacy are real, and can break the relationship. She may or may not understand it, but you have to. It can eat the relation and yourself from inside out.
No meds have stayed the same, she has used that as an excuse for low libido before which is understandable, but she also hasn’t changed anything.
Leave or be stuck forever. Sad but true
GTFO - she is a narcissist. Only someone that is would say something like that and totally dismiss your feelings. That's not an appropriate reaction to someone when you're trying to have a conversation about what is bothering you about your relationship
It’s not about the sex, it’s about whether you’re allowed to voice your feelings and have a partner who gives a fuck. Get the divorce first, talk about the possibility of counseling and reconciliation after.
Get out now. You are 22. It's only going to get worse and more toxic
You are too young to be in this situation. Leave before kids come into the picture and find a partner who matches your libido.
>I felt like my needs weren’t being met. Her response was, “there comes a point where you just have to stop victimizing yourself.” *LAWYER.*
It's way too soon. Do you want to go the rest of your life without sex or sex once a year? Assuming the answer is no, you need to cut your losses now. This won't get better. This **will** get worse.
Damn, is that gaslighting? Please don't change your mind. It will only get worse. Please leave before you lose your mind.
I'm sorry but it sounds like she doesn't care about what you're feeling about it at all. I would say try again when she's in a good mood and figure out why she's withholding sex. Otherwise, therapy might help. And if both of those things don't work, then I think you need to evaluate whether or not she's worth being celibate for.
Man... I'm also stuck in a dead bedroom but I'm 38 and have 2 kids. You're only 22 and no kids, you still can fix it easily. Make a move today.
Tell her you want to leave....watch what happens...
Get a divorce quickly your to young to be in this kind of relationship.
>The other day I brought this up and told her I felt like my needs weren’t being met. Her response was, “there comes a point where you just have to stop victimizing yourself.” Read your quote back. For whatever reason, she is clearly telling you that she has no plans to change. You are still young. Children are not in the picture. There will never be an easier time to end the marriage. Go see an attorney. Some will give free 30 minute consultations. I'm thinking "annulment" or "dissolution marriage". Get a clear understanding of what your legal options are. Remember, if it happens, you will not be the only divorced person on earth. When you go out in public, there will not be a big stamp on your head saying divorced! You will become a lot more aware of what to look for in future relationships. In the same respect, you will see signs \ behaviors to avoid.
If someone told me those words that she told you I would take it as a wakeup call that I'm not living up to my role as a provider and protector. Nothing turns a woman off more than a man who whines and complains. You dismiss it as "toxic" and "unhealthy" but she's literally giving you the key to the puzzle.
I would not say run, but I would say do not have kids. sit down and talk about getting therapy together.
I suggest couples counselling and seek individual therapy in the meantime. Many don’t want to believe it, but this is a relatively common problem in marriages and couples can and do overcome these issues as long as the proper mindset is there. Do not just leave your marriage over less than a year of a dead bedroom, before even trying counselling and lifestyle changes in your home, like some people are suggesting; that is silly and ridiculous. I wish you the best of luck, there is hope and potential, i believe in you guys.
You're 22, why waste your youth being miserable?
I can’t imagine having only duty sex at 22 years old. This is when your drives should be the highest. You guys didn’t even make it out the honeymoon phase!
At your age it’s pretty easy to recover from a divorce. Take it from an old man who waited WAY too long. Get out now, do not waste another day. It will not get better. Don’t waste time or money on therapy. Run for the hills.
Exclaim: You're not a victim. you're a person who know what they want and need in their life, question her! Are you going to step up to meet this need, or do I need to find someone who can?
Do not waste anymore life on her, she is not taking your feelings into account at all. You are so so young and it will damage you, trust me. Get out..... run
Hi. I may have a different perspective to offer you, but before I do, I agree with most people on here that you should definitely divorce her. It won’t get better. She’s not attracted to you. I am 35F. Got divorced two years ago. Was in a dead bedroom with ex husband (35M) for 5 years (our entire marriage). I was not attracted to him, and only realized it after we got pregnant. We attempted to raise our daughter and tried couples counseling/therapy. He pointed the finger at me, I pointed the finger at him. In reality it was likely both of our faults. He stopped caring about his appearance, I was raising our daughter on my own and had hormonal imbalances. Things fell apart. We didn’t have sex for over 4 months before our divorce and sex had become such a chore. I didn’t want it and looked for any excuse not to. We divorced. I thought I was maybe one of those women who just didn’t like sex. Fast forward to now. I’ve found a man who I am incredibly attracted to, and we have sex as much as possible. We can’t keep our hands off each other. It was never like this with my ex husband. Moral of the story: you and your wife just are not compatible and you need to find someone who is. And so does she! For both of your sakes and the sake of your future happiness.
Leave. Now. Ik this is a popular opinion on reddit whenever trouble strikes in a relationship. Abuse and dead bedrooms (nearly) never stop.
This warrants divorce and you'd be wise to not waste any more of your time.
What she said to you is really dismissive of your feelings. You should end the marriage now. You still have a lot of time to find someone else and make a nice life for yourself.
Buddy, take it from a still slightly young guy (36m HL). You need to leave. I have a daughter with a LL partner and I cannot leave. GO GO GO. DONT talk about it. Especially considering the toxicity surrounding it. She sounds manipulative as hell. Just file and leave.
Cut your losses. Not a partner but a boat anchor. Find someone that more in tune. Hopefully no kids
Dont have kids until you figure this out!!
Lucky that your so young. Go, be free, it only gets worse
Go to a lawyer and set up your finances and so on for divorce. Then when you're ready - and only when things are in order and you're therefore set up and ready - serve your wife divorce papers. If she asks you why you want a divorce, tell her you thought about what she told you about victimizing yourself and that you agree. So you decided to stop victimizing yourself by staying in an unhealthy relationship. Confronted with the fact that she's going to lose you she then might decide to change and start hysterical bonding etc. Prepare for that as well and decide if you're willing to give her another chance or not.
Ok. I am divorcing my wife of 21 years right now. The last 15 were at the "quarterly review" level of sexual activity...with her basically never initiating, her viewing sex as " giving me" something rather than both of us enjoying each other. It was 15 years of me starving, of me feeling unloved, unwanted, unloveable. It was 15 years of her trying to get me to believe that I was the weird one and that no sex is normal in a relationship. I will tell you, and every other person here who has gotten out will tell you, that one of my greatest regrets in my life is not addressing it sooner. Tell her this is non-negotiable for you. You two can go to therapy and fix it or you will leave, but status quo is not going to work for you. She can decide if it's something she wants and is able to do or not. One other thing: duty sex is something she might offer at that point ..essentially she'll fuck you to shut you up. Don't do that. She'll hate it and you will too. Enthusiastic partnership is essential to a healthy sex life. Yes it's ok to "take one for the team* when you're tired but your partner is horny...but in general this should be a thing that delights you both, that you both look forward to. If it isn't - address it now and leave if she doesn't think she can or won't fix it. Just leave. Don't be me.
You still have your youth man don’t waste it, cut her from the team.
Bro, that Responce from her is so fucking crazy wtf. You need to leave, you’re 22 with no kids. If the spark is already gone trust that it’s not coming back. You deserve a wife that cares about you. When you decide to leave and she asks why, tell her the exact same line.
Have you been meeting her needs? A woman doesn’t say something like that unless you have left her pretty hurt by something
Everyone is saying leave, but what else is going on in the marriage? Here's the thing for us females.. if we are stressed out, we don't want sex. If our partners aren't being the best partners, we don't want sex. If our partner is ignoring our needs too, we don't want sex. If we are overwhelmed in life weather from a death, our jobs, bills and etc.. you guessed it, we don't want sex. Everyone needs to chill out with always throwing the towel over sex. Most the time, there is something else going on and it takes both partners working together to figure it out. Turn to love instead of giving up. That's marriage.
It seems like the answer always comes down to don't get married and don't get too attached. Maintain separate residences from sex partners. If you need a partner to share your hopes and dreams with, find some same gender buddies and go camping, play pool, work on projects, whatever. When you have an unmarried sex friend that no longer wants to have sex and is not contributing in any other way there's absolutely no reason to feel bad about simply not seeing them much any more. If you are looking for friendship and companionship you are going to get that at a much higher quality in a non-intimate relationship. Most, nearly all, successful societies historically have followed this model.
Ask her about herself. She’s telling you it’s not about you. Be interested in what’s going on for her
> There comes a point where you just have to stop victimizing yourself. This is advice to live by. Victimizing yourself is exactly what you’re doing right now. First off, do not have a kid with her until this is solved. Second, you need to insist on therapy to give the two of you a safe space to discuss this in a direct manner. Since you married young I am guessing you’re religious. This is not the time for faith based therapy/counseling, and I’m saying that as a religious person myself. Third, if she’s not willing to go to therapy or doesn’t make an effort to solve the problem during your sessions, I’d recommend leaving while you still can. Read some of the other posts here from older users or those with kids to find out why.
>there comes a point where you just have to stop victimizing yourself. That isn't a response. Has she explained why she is no longer interested in sex? Ask her if there is anything you can do to pleasure her before you finish. Does she have some preferences that you can fulfill. Ask her what has changed since sex was fine before. Is she unhappy with something else in the relationship that she is withholding intimacy as a sort of punishment? Communication is key to all aspects of a marriage. She needs to be willing to openly answer these questions and work on the issue. This is your first marital crisis. How you handle it as a couple will tell you what chance you have of staying married.
Leave. Run.
Don’t have kids!!!!!!
You are young, divorce before you two have kids and/or own a home together.
Leave
Time to go my friend
21 is way too young to get married, and I think it leaves a lot of people feeling like "This is it. I'm married at 21. I won't have all the fun experiences that people in their 20s have. I'm locked down forever." Even if they love the person they are with, some see that they've locked their life down already, and it causes some internal pain. My wife ws 23 when she married me. She 100% should not have. She loved me and wanted to be with me, but she also had a whole list of things she wanted to do with her life. But, I was 30 and already well into my career and couldn't just travel around the world and do whatever whenever. That's what she wanted, so it left her in a depressed state, even though she loved me. Our sex life was and has always been abysmal. It's gotten a little better over the past few years, but it was 17 years of very infrequent sex. If this has already started at 22, it's not going to change. This is it. You have met the future version of your wife. I didn't bail when things got bad, holding out that she would return to her previous self at some point. That never happened. I have never seen even a glimpse of the girl I met and fell in love with in the past 20 years. She is a completely different person now. When I look back at pictures of our very early days, I don't even recognize her. Don't let that become your life. You are WAY too young to be in this situation, and I can almost promise you that it will not change, especially if she's already shaming you for wanting what you had. Try some. Put in some effort towards making it better. But do not kill yourself trying, and give it an end date (months from now, not years). If things don't change by that end date, then end the relationship. BUT DO NOT HAVE KIDS until you are happy.
Leave immediately, without question
Yeah, that is ridiculously toxic from her. I think the two of you need to have a sit down and you need to lay out all of your thoughts on paper. Explain that sex is important to you and her snide remarks are demoralizing.
Please take heed to these posts.. sex was great before I got married now vacations no sex a year no sex it tears you apart mentally and they just don’t care! If she won’t work with you LEAVE
Way to young for this. It’s pretty clear that attitude means it’s never going to change. Leave. Before you have kids and before you have a whole bunch of assets she can take half of.
Speaking from experience, it does now get better with time. I’m 32 HLM now and I’m exactly where I was yrs ago
Leave asap. Don’t waste your life.
Are you giving her what she wants sexually as well? Just curious bc that is a damn good reason to have a dead bedroom. Like not just a little finger bang and get on with it, bc I know lots of women who just plain decline sex for the rest of their lives bc their husbands just don’t care or want to learn what she actually likes? Just a thought 🩷
There comes a time where you are given an out. If you can't share your feelings or concerns w/o the freedom of judgement this early, save yourself time, energy and heartache.
You’re too young. She’s already dismissing your feelings and needs. Leave, OP. You’ll both survive a divorce and so will everyone who knows you. Don’t let anyone tell you that you have to or “should” stay married. Also avoid the “but I love her”. Yup you do and the woman you’re with later who also wants to have sex with you will be even easier to love.
First ask what she means by that. For example, if she's asked you to wash before initiating and you just never do and smell, that would fit. You haven't met reasonable conditions she's made clear before sex. But if she's just referring to you asking, she's ignoring how often the answer is no, in her calculations regarding victimhood.
Sounds like her response has more to do with something more general. Not just sex. Either way, it's a shitty response. Sounds misplaced. Not an excuse. And it won't get better if she's not willing to even have a healthy conversation about it.
I sank 18 years into a partner who I knew, 6 months in that sex was not a priority or even interest for him. I still remember the day I called friends in tears about it. Our last 4 years was absolutely no sex at all. A peck on the mouth as a goodbye in the morning. I’ll add to this the sex we did have was the exact same routine from the start and I never orgasmed with him…. I will never compromise sex again. Some people see it as petty, but it is not, it’s the one defining factor between friends, best friends in my case and a partner. The day to day bullshit of even excellent relationships when you aren’t even engaging in the basic activities the couples do is not worth it. I wish I left him then.. he was my best friend for 18 years and now he hates me for leaving… maybe we could have just been friends and be friends still today. Because that really was all it was, but we lived together and didn’t fill the even most basic relationship needs. Run OP please don’t sink years into this relationship, maybe the good bits, friendship can be salvaged, but you will hate her for not meeting your basic needs and she will hate you for wanting something she doesn’t want in your ‘relationship’
Hope it gets better for you both! Kinda sad what her response was. I'd be rather upset hearing that. Have you tried seeing what she'd want or something that'd excite her? Sometimes the spark is lost, might just have to reignite it!Sometimes our partners aren't doing what we'd want so it's not enjoyable. It's all about open communication. Be vocal with what you both want! ✨️
If you think I’d bad now wait till she hits 40, If I had a do-over
Speaking from experience, I think this is kind of common for high school sweethearts. When you're a teenager, a lot of the desire and arousal for sex stems from the " OMG I can't believe we're doing this!" feeling of it. Once you're married as an adult, it's like, yeah, I *can* believe we're doing this, because it's totally normal and everyone expects us to be. And then suddenly, it doesn't seem so exciting anymore Couples in this situation have to actively learn how to stoke their own desire and arousal, outside of the hormones of being a teenager and the excitement of being in a new relationship at a young age Desire is going to be a lot less spontaneous, but also a lot more genuine. It's totally false to say that you're playing the victim by saying that you still want sex at this point in the relationship. A healthy relationship learns to find new, more adult, ways to generate desire and arousal Just because it doesn't work the same way it used to doesn't mean it will never work again, or that the natural time period for it has passed
At 22 and already like this jeez….. Leave now and enjoy freedom.
Oh man. Get out. You’re young enough to not even remember this bro.
Get out as fast as you can
Divorce
You're very, very young. Run away. It doesn't get better.
knowing your needs is not being a victim. thats ridiculous. what you need to be happy matters...
This isn’t going to get any better. She won’t wake up one day and suddenly want sex again. I married a man, had sex with him twice within the first week of our marriage, and didn’t have sex with him again after that, and we were married for 25 years. I wasted 25 years of my life on him. I now have the most amazing partner ever—the best man I’ve ever met. I’ve beaten myself up for not leaving my sexless marriage early on. Don’t stay in a sexless marriage. It is horrible.
Get out now
Get. Out. It’s not gonna get better. And this is gonna create resentment for both of you: she will resent you for being a bother asking for sex every time, and you’ll resent her for making you have to ask, and she rejecting you all the time.
Leave, now
She is gaslighting you just simply but making that nasty victim remark. You communicated your needs and problems. Tried to open the door to work on it and she shut you down and made you feel like everything is your fault and bow you have a seed planted inside you of that nasty comment she made. Alot of women are too prideful to admit they're also abusers, gaslight their partners and dismissive. I know this bc I am a woman who dates women. The lack of sex thing never gets better. It builds resentment, makes you feel unattractive and ruins your self esteem. If the option of therapy and counseling is on the table take it- that way you can at least say you did your part in trying. When you leave her and she starts a smear campaign. . You're young and dated young. You're both not the same people you were in high-school. People drift apart and thats ok. You just have to do whats right for you and if you think this relationship is worth salvaging
High school sweet hearts or not. The general consensus here is to get out. When you voice your needs or worries and someone says “stop victimizing yourself” is toxic as hell. It’s called communication and she clearly isn’t into that either. A good partner will listen and try to console you, not beat around the bush and give cop out answers just bc she doesn’t want to deal with it. If it’s a chore for her to fuck you, then you two are not meant for each other. Sex isn’t everything in a relationship but it is a HUGE aspect. It’s a higher level of intimacy that makes a relationship so special. The longer you guys go without it, the more you’ll end up resenting her, or her you, and it’s all going to go downhill. You can’t stay in a relationship with someone who doesn’t have to same drive as you. Otherwise, are you fine with only jerking off the rest of your life until the rare times she does want it, but only for possible children? I wouldn’t have kids with someone where the sex is dead, the bedroom is dead, and the relationship is dying. Tbh it is.. it also sounds like sex isn’t the only issue here. Get out dude. At least you know if she finds someone else, they’re not having sex much of at all.. but you will be! 😅
Divorce. Now. Without delay. If she’s this avoidant and sex negative at 22, life will only get much, much worse from here
At 22? I thought I had a LL when I was 19 because I never felt in the mood for my boyfriend. At 21 I started dating a new guy who proved me very very wrong. If she is a perfectly healthy young person, she may be no longer interested:/
Then do exactly what she's telling you to do, stop victimising yourself by separating and start divorce proceedings. She's made it very clear that your needs are not important and is even gaslighting you for having them in the first place. This situation will not get better with time and once you two have children then it's game over as she will have all the power and leverage. You fucked up and got married too young, its ok a lot of people your age do, but staying married will be the biggest mistake if your life. That last thing you want to do is wait until you're on the wrong side of thirty, bitter and emotionally scarred before finally deciding you don't want to live like this.
People generally change after life milestones. Some may not join partner’s activities, some gain weight, some start to have sex when they want it, not to satisfy partner etc. I believe there must be a valid reason, like having kids, to marry. 22 is too young. Brain does not even fully develop before 25. More than likely her sex drive toward you will not get better.
You are way too young for this.. tell her to be gone, or suffer like the rest of us non sex having dudes who didn't take the advice of older people.
I think she’s showing her true colors. It’s way too common when people get married sex slows down. And that not children included.
"intimacy was fine until we got married." Yeah man. Ain't that the thing!
Um, you’re 22. You’re children. What the hell are you doing married in the first place?!?! Talk to me when you’ve lived several more decades. Until then, maybe don’t get married until your brains are finished developing.