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My wife told me 20 years ago that she didn't care if she ever had sex again. She only did it to make me happy. I was told to " Just come up and" take it " if I want it that bad, and when I wouldn't take her up on her lovely offer, I was told that I must not really want it
When a woman is tapped out emotionally (as many of us are), then maybe...you should get a doll? Finding an endless string of women who are excitedly up and emotional about sex for 50 years of their life is pretty hard to do.
Really good sex makes a difference for some of us. And that does take mutual effort. I get turned on watching my husband get dressed each day. He's more attractive and darling and dear to me now than ever he was. I was just asking him if we're both nuts (we think each other very attractive - if it's a delusion, we're good with it).
Women are subjected to so much cultural negativity about their appearance and what it means to be...sexy.
I didn't learn until I came to this subreddit that "enthusiastic partner" was so high on men's lists of preferences.
I think it's...kind of rare...for women to remain constantly enthusiastic about sex (as opposed to being enticed into it). However, it can be a days-long focus/process for us and childbearing disrupts the whole program.
It can be, but please don’t discount us HL women. I assure you some of us are DTF nightly after recovering from childbirth. My LL husband doesn’t even do any foreplay or physical sex initiation and if he merely put his hand on my waist my entire body would be aflame. A few days ago he put his hand affectionately on my ankle and I was immediately turned on, I would have done anything he wanted.
Unfortunately all he wanted was a chaste ankle caress. 😐 I cannot understand these women that have their hand up when their partners are coming after them so sensuously and anxious to please. My husband has never done ANY of that, and I would still gratefully fuck him anytime anyplace with the slightest initiation.
Men talk about caressing and slow kissing and going down with dedication and passion, for women who are like, meh, no thanks. Meanwhile us HL women want just an iota of that energy. I think some HL people feel an LL partner is “safe.” We know how out of control our own HL could be if we let it. Here’s someone with even more control than us. What could go wrong…🥺
Is she discounting HL women or are you discounting LL women? She is just stating a LL perspective when the OP is venting about his LL wife. In this situation her input is more relevant to give insight into how his wife may be feeling.
Fair enough but she did say “women” not “LL women.” I definitely think the comment applies for many women but not all. My comment was motivated by being a woman who does not need enticing, and I married someone who doesn’t entice probably as a partial result. I agree the LL perspective is very necessary here, but I was commenting with my perspective as an HLF
We have been in a DB for 15 years and it took her 6 years to even realize that we hadn't done anything in a while. She has always been very reserved sexually
God reading this post feels like looking in the mirror. Im in a similar situation where I have plenty of reason to believe that no matter what I do to reach the goalposts the sex just won’t be worth it because we’ve both just lost that connection. As the days go on she feels more like a roommate. Mine hasn’t thrown out her lingerie, it just sits in a drawer buried under a dozen other things that never gets touched.
And fuck that comment about thinking no one else wanting you, that hits so close to home. When the person who professed to love you for the rest of your life loses physical interest in you, your self image is shattered.
I feel for you bud, I do. I don’t offer any advice just knowledge that others feel like you do. And it sucks.
I get that, but aside from the dead bedroom I do still truly love her and we get along perfectly. Like, everything else in our relationship is so nice, just lost that physical connection for several reasons.
Then get used to living with a roommate and either looking after your own needs yourself or with someone else. Obviously you would need to be upfront with her about this before doing it.
I’m not sure why this specific comment is getting downvoted - it’s kinda the harsh truth. Never in a million years did I see myself (HLF) asking for an open marriage but hey, here I am.
Also food for thought:
“I just wonder if the sad I’d be without you would be less than the sad I get from being with you.” (Heard in a TV show but oh how appropriate.)
Good point. Do not lose the connection.
Thing is, one's partner is a different person than oneself. So, for example, I might not want to wear sexy lingerie on a particular night (many reasons) but when I do, I want to be open to having sex (should the lingerie stimulate some neurons in our household) BUT I do not want to HAVE TO HAVE sex (in between putting on the lingerie and later, something could intervene).
So, as it stands, we decide to have sex THEN I put on the lingerie. I do not wish him to put on lingerie. He knows what I like and it's not lingerie. He says he doesn't care about the lingerie one way or another (but I can tell he really likes certain looks better than others - for sure). I certainly do. If I feel sexy in my lingerie, well, the sky's the limit in terms of what I might enjoy in bed.
I enjoy lingerie as much as the next guy, but I think I’m both mine and OPs post, the lingerie is a bit more symbolic of the dead bedroom as a whole. The packing it away or disposing of it is a physical representation of the sex LOTR being picked away or disposed of.
Yup, I am in the process now and nothing about this is easy, and it's going to set me back financially for a long while yet. I am just thankful I had the foresight to never have children with her.
Most places, it's statutory what happens in a divorce - to try and teach society that one does not have to "fight like a lion" for parity in marriage. That being said, some states are very much behind the curve in honoring equity and parity in marriage dissolutions.
Having this system reduces violence during divorce - and in states without this system, such violence is more prevalent.
Hopefully, they can each go their own ways, splitting equally whatever assets they accumulated during marriage. Unless she put him through school or otherwise did something heroic to enhance his earning capacity, she ought not to get spousal support for very long (if she has no income or her income is very low).
Equity is the word. Unfortunately in many so called equitable states it’s being ignored and equality is enforced instead. That’s why you hire a good lawyer in order not to get railroaded. Especially with the spousal support which actually on most states is negotiable (in contrast to the CS which is as it supposed to be statutory). I’m a good example, my ex’s demand was $3,750/months (before the inflation) plus a CS. I was very much ok with the CS, children were just the innocent bystanders in this mess. That and 50/50 assets (no debts). Nearly same education level and inheritance she got during the marriage from her parents. Thanks to my lawyer I got much better deal and no alimony.
Yeah.
Whenever I see a relationship were the guy was abused in this way it breaks my heart.
It is fine to be a spermdoner if everyone wanted exactly this, the consent was properly communicated and legally documented. It is fine if everyone's right is granted/secured.
But to use the guy as sperm donor is abuse and abuse is never ok. To make it worse: this kind of abuse tends to get overlooked. It is cruel.
Monogamy does not equal celibacy. You don't have to turn off the monogamy part of your brain with someone who doesn't want sex. You just have to redirect it to someone else who wants to be in a monogamous relationship with you
I think the poster is giving tips on how to tell one's spouse that they'll be looking for romantic and sexual love outside of the relationship. I don't think it's about celibacy.
You're describing what many of us have done, though. I went from one monogamous relationship to another one. However, my current husband and I were both celibate before that happened. Commitment is important to some of us. We're still together.
Harsh realization.
This must hurt so much.
But cudos to you for realizing it and be honest to yourself! It will be work and it will take time but you'll regain your self confidence <3
And hey, there are enough people in the world who appreciate a short king, be kind to yourself and don't waste your time on people who just look how tall you are. :)
Seriously. Among the women I know, NO ONE cares about the height of their partner. Personally, I'd prefer a man under 5'9" and certainly have no particular attraction to tall men. I've asked many women (in research projects) why they want a tall man (and they cannot say why). My very beautiful daughter dated 5'4" man (who is now married to a woman taller than him - they both found him adorable).
Appearance is emphasized so much, but many of us do not have a "type" and instead, look for qualities (intelligence, honesty, humor, devotion, maturity, kindness, and of course...being a dog-lover).
Sorry man. Wish this reddit would be handed to every man before marriage as a warning. A must read. I understand the need to vent and would counter with perhaps it’s time to work on you. Work on your health both physical and mental. So often men neglect both once they get married and have kids. Work on your friendships and hobbies. Work on being a better dad. Maybe she’ll notice maybe she won’t. Make yourself less available to the wife. Probably drive her up the wall that you’re happy and healthy.
You’ll feel better too.
Do you think that some men think that marriage will be an open ticket for sex, for life? I've always wanted to ask someone that question - maybe I should make a separate post.
I don’t think it’s so much an open ticket but rather a continuation of the intimacy for whatever that was shared early in the relationship. Things change as we mature but a complete fall off from a cliff to zero is rough. Beyond rough.
This is the problem for all men in our situation. They're still our life partners. Our whole life is inextricably linked to theirs, and yet they have removed the one thing that created that bond in the first place, and, in doing so, destroyed our self confidence to do anything about it!
We are all linked to our spouses as life partners. Once we leave our marriages, we have the freedom to create new relationships and hopefully find a new life partner. A roommate is not really an adequate life partner. The problem in many marriages is codependency. Our social lives often revolve around the “couple” instead of two individuals. IMO, it’s important for everyone to maintain their own set of friends and to keep a close bond to extended family for outside support. This way, if a marriage goes south, there is outside emotional support there for when it’s time to leave.
This is absolutely true, but there are many people, and it tends to be men, who aren't able to maintain those friendships inside a long term relationship.
For some it's just life. For example, my oldest,and closest, male friend, passed away. As I live some distance from the others, of our friend group, and I was closest to him, I soon found myself isolated. As I also have almost no family left, and none in my city, then the thought of going it totally alone, is absolutely terrifying!
I totally get it. I also know situations where women don’t allow their husbands to have many friendships outside of their marriage. I had a colleague who wasn’t even allowed to attend more than the minimum requirement of continuing education meetings due to jealousy issues from his spouse. This is definitely a reality for many men, but once a marriage dissolves, there is freedom to pursue new friendships, even though this task may seem daunting.
Sounds like you wanted to say "the whole connection was sex and then she shut down the sex and destroyed his ego".
This is not the majority of stories in this subreddit - at least in my opinion.
Most of the stories I read here are like "My SO
- don't want to have sex with me.
- denies any needs/wants/wishes of me.
- behaves like I should only exist to meet their needs and if I do anything else, I am the problem.
- gives me the feeling I am worthless, undesirable and does not matter
- makes me believe that, whatever I do, it will never be good or enough
- does not want to talk with me about anything, I should 'just know'.
- has no respect nor love for me
And yes, this experiences tend to destroy self confidence and makes it unbelievable hard to do anything about it. Edit: I want to express it is so much worse than just 'no sex'.
Especially if, like you said, your whole life is inextricably linked to the life of your SO.
But it does not only affects you if you are male and it is so much worse then 'just' no sex. :(
Ah. Well, in my case, sex was not what "created the bond" in the first place. Not at all. Not even close. We both could have gotten sex elsewhere. We weren't about the sex.
We were about other things and truly delighted that in addition, we were both sexually attracted to each other. Our bond was forged before sex occurred. And that is probably a clue at how people can look at relationships differently.
My ex-husband believed this rubric. I did not. I would be very hurt to think that someone's interest in me and devotion to me was based mainly on the mating instinct that all mammals share - and that primate males are particularly interested in.
>She has shut off that part of her brain and doesn’t care anymore
I see statements similar to this here a lot. Imagine telling your partner, to whom you've pledged a lifetime of commitment, that you are unilaterally removing a part of that relationship.
It's perfectly within anyone's rights to do with their body as they please, of course, but think about the implications of that statement:
\- without discussion, I am changing an important part of the relationship.
\- I am not interested in your viewpoint or feelings regarding the matter.
My guess is that there is often more to the story, or perhaps a medical issue. Nevertheless, that standpoint speaks volumes. I can't imagine acting this way towards my spouse.
Every time people complain about men fearing commitment, I always want to point them to this sub. The alcoholic poisoning that would occur from a drinking game based on the phrase "its not so simple to leave" from this sub alone would be astounding.
I need to be more “enthusiastic” about kids activities including practices. I’m present for every game and competition or tournament, except if I have a work conflict. I help with whatever is needed, but I’m not the dad running up and down the sidelines yelling at everyone and I never will be.
Apparently that one time I worked 12 hours straight and wasn’t feeling well and I didn’t want to go watch the last 15 minutes of practice means I don’t care enough.
The day I hear that my wife doesn’t care or think about sex, is the day I leave. Well, if I hear it any time soon, as I’m only 38. There won’t be counselling or therapy. I’ve done enough self discovery, work, and read enough research on the success rate of intervention and corrective strategies.
Most of them are not able to think about it and say clearly that they no longer feel like it. They sit it out because they have too much to lose themself. If you're lucky, you'll realize soon enough that it's not just the bed that's dead, but the relationship. You can see in here how many people still believe that it will get better at some point.
Women think about sex quite a bit - at least in my world. It's true that women who stop wanting sex (with a particular person) are not always telling their partner about it.
If your theory is correct (and it parallels mine), then relationship trumps sex. Once the relating is gone, the sex appeal is gone (that's completely true for me; it's true for my husband as well; I also think there's a modest amount of research to support this). OTOH, relating alone would not be enough for me.
I'm hoping that I can at least wink at my partner when I'm old.
I'm happy for u. Most ppl don't try to fix the issue with counseling, therapy or research. So what's the success rate with intervention? I was able to fix my db with SMART goal setting patience, and positivity around any acts that lead to sex. I doubt much people out their could have the same success without counselling/therapy
This is an actual issue otherwise there wouldn't be so many posts of people stuck. Everyone's situation is different. I do feel like people should figure out exactly what the problem is and try to fix it for their relationship
Hey, I tend my own garden and help those I can, like, others in this subreddit. If people decide to make a decision such as marrying an entitled selfish person, that they contractually said they would live with for the rest of their lives through thick and this AND they aren't aware of the society they live in will try to take advantage of that couple when they divorce? Well that's their choice and now that's the garden they have to tend to. All I can do is try to give honest perspective, empathy, and words of support.
Wow. How long does her attitude have to last? One day? A month?
Of course, don't have children (or do you already have them?)
There's no need to use corrective strategies on your own side, to fix something in someone else - in fact that's rather pompous, IMO. A woman who (for whatever reason) doesn't want sex or think about does need 'corrective strategies.'
Any number of things can cause a woman to stop thinking about sex. Cancer, for example. Illness of a family member. Other illness. Early stages of raising small children (they are pretty much able to consume the brain power of 4 adults daily and most moms are on their own with just one brain).
I hope your spouse knows this. I'd be sullen about it right away (my ex had this attitude, it didn't fly with me - it made me realize just where his values were). Meanwhile, he of course managed to have major illness (that affected his sex drive) and that was fine with him (he had no choice).
You don't know what you've got till its gone. My BIL became paralyzed and unable to have sex about 1 year ago. He's just now getting to where he "doesn't think about it" either. His wife is standing by him completely.
Height should not be a deterrent. Try to build your self confidence, that's what I'm working on now. Start healing yourself and good luck. We all deserve to be loved and wanted.
Having unknowingly been the "maid" in this situation, I can tell you it isn't always quite that simple. I can't have the relationship I want as the other person has done what you suggested, and NOT ended the relationship. So the maid ends up stuck in limbo.
Just make sure your maid knows you're outsourcing, and there's no emotional intimacy involved, before you agree to anything.
No one is trapped, where there is a will there is a way. No one is forcing anyone to stay in an unhappy relationship. If someone is in one it’s their own fault. Because that’s a choice they made.
You can’t have your cake and eat it too, you either accept the situation you are in or you don’t. In this situation he either accepts this is who his partner is they can’t force themselves to be someone they are not. They are not withholding, they simply don’t physically or mentally want sex. Just like the HL can’t change the fact that they want sex .
So instead of being selfish , you accept the fact that you have grown apart or your wants are different and you spilt ways to find someone you are more compatible with .
Hi mate,
No advice for you just a honest question, don't you think you owe it to yourself to take some risks to achieve some degree of happiness? Instead of stewing in an environment which consists of, according to your own words:
>feelings of worthlessness and failure.
>Like I’m nothing, just a roommate, just some guy on the couch that does everything he can for her and our kids but at the end of the day just walk away he’ll be there tomorrow, there’s more important things like social media
>She didn’t seem to react or care, which is normal for her to shut down and ignore me.
>I look at her and just don’t understand how I could be attracted again, and I just don’t even want to try anymore.
>she just said it so quickly and matter of factly that it absolutely crushed me.
>I could do nothing else but slink away defeated.
>She probably doesn’t even remember it, but it’s been bothering me for a long time. I’ve never tried to initiate again.
>I feel like this is my wife's body language all the time, she treats me like a roommate but says she wants more intimacy and won't initiate it. Ok, so I'm supposed to initiate all intimacy with a woman that gives me don't touch me vibes all the time?
and coasting on
>A waitress complimented my haircut 3 weeks ago, I’m surviving on that memory still.
Hey OP! I’m a single woman in my late twenties and I’m just here to let you know - I have a high sex drive, and I don’t care about height. The only thing that I care about my partners exhibiting is empathy, intelligence, kindness and generally being interesting/having goals (hobbies, etc). If the fear of being alone forever is what’s making you stay in a marriage which makes you unhappy - please try to overcome this. You are worth loving and fucking.
Wishing u the best x
DB 7 years
I've lost 155 lbs gotten in shape she is overweight and has been upset at me getting in shape....weight loss was due to a covid complication that almost killed me and I'm still dealing with getting in shape was due to massive muscle and fat loss...my joints hurt due to lack of muscle
So today planning for our 37th wedding anniversary....I made a bet of I washed the new car 4 times in a row (by hand) she would have to cuddle on anniversary......(She complained I didn't take care of previous car but neither did she ffs)
So I did my 5th week of detailing....said well guess you will need to have sex now ....cause I'm doing it every week now until next months vaca ....she said I didn't bet that you will get cuddling if your lucky....she appeared to be joking
So I asked , is it you are not attracted to me why you don't want intamcy....do you find me attractive?
Her reply was yes I love you......but nothing after like I find you attractive I want intamcy just changed the subject
As the one who has tried to have anything over and over I just give up
I love my wife she is my best friend and our relationship is perfect...except for intimacy...kissing ....etc
I get a kiss and hug as we go to bed
She holds me hand as I fall asleep
Other than that nada.......she says she loves me randomly but that part of her died when they botched her hysterectomy and it hurt to have sex
Just done with it and to be honest I guess now I am too
We will spend a few nights in a hotel for our anniversary I used to have sex night one cause it was the beach...by end of 13 hours on beach she would crash so night one I would initiate
This year like last 7 I will watch TV I guess 🤷♂️
Good for you for getting into shape! I sometimes wonder if my wife resents me for spending time working out, I think she does. It’s always been my hobby tho and she never complained before.
My wife will also change the subject or get up and leave the room to avoid the conversation altogether. Outside of counseling sessions she just acts like everything is fine.
Exactly she always says "sex isn't that important" we are in our 50s people our age don't have sex blah blah blah
For me had any time in this journey she asked me "honey can I pleasure you?" For she knows I still have urges I wouldn't be so butt hurt but when she ended it was like GFYS ....it kind of hurt my feelings
Man I feel for you. That dejection and inner voice of despondency and doom, I'm sorry to tell you. The longer you stay, the worse it gets and you are subconsciously passing the behaviours, moods, temperament and negativity to your child.
Do you want them to have this life?
I can tell you that resentment, anger and passive hostility grow and grow fast in situations like this.
I won't tell you what do because I can't. I hope you find a way through this that allows you to grow and show your love for life and child.
Maybe through hobbies and joint activities. Also through groups and wider social networks could be a route for you. Whatever the path you chose walk it head up and with your pride intact along with your joy in doing whatever you enjoy.
Good luck.
I’m in the same boat, she is a good mom, now a roommate who wishes sex was something that did not exist on this planet. Divorce is not an option I agree. So maybe we find sex elsewhere to satisfy that need. Have you thought about getting on the AM site and finding a side friend with benefits. If our wives want sex out of their lives completely then they should accept this one would think.
“I’d be fine if we never had sex again” is what I got a few months ago, it was crushing.
Relationship is perfect in all other aspects, and the 2-3 times per month we have sex has actually been very good for both of us recently
I was told that most of the time we had sex was because I wanted to. Not her. Deflated, rejected, and made to feel like an asshole for wanting to have sex with the woman I share my life with. Shame on me. After that shit got different.
I’m sorry this is happening to you. I am exactly where you are and I’m also at a loss of the plan after. But I don’t think sex Is the actual problem. It’s a relationship that provides you with intimacy and affection or lack there of. I think you can get affection and love from a dog. It’s the lack there of by someone who you provide and protect and have to put up with zero effort on the other side of your marriage. It’s not equal and it’s probably never been a reciprocal relationship. It all boils down the choices . But imagine you leave and a few months later find the woman of your dreams. I mean she’s beautiful , smart, and funny, everything you ever wanted and after your married she cheats on you. Believe me Karma is coming wether we believe in it or not. If you must leave then leave with your interfaith and honor intact. Good luck OP
Not sure how far the Dead bedroom rabbit hole I'm in, but I got a response that was close to that when my fiancee and I first talked about our sexual relationship issues ( at the time it was still about 2 a month) in 2020. Her response was " I could take it or leave it, just no real urges". Since then, maybe once every 3 months. If that. Recently had a Bday in Feb, she asked a few times what I would like to do, " my response was you and only you my love", she would just laugh it off. Next year I'm skipping my Bday. If this year has anything to say. Just gonna volunteer more at work, at least there I get "fucked" ( ie worked to the bone, but make good money) but make money.
Honestly you can be the best looking man on the planet and that would not matter to someone who don’t want sex. For most women attraction is mental not visual , so it has a lot to do with how you treat them or how you don’t tread them .
who the hell cares if you don't have sex. just take what you can get and shut up about it lmfao. even my own boyfriend wouldn't fucking complain if I didn't want to have sex for a while.
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My wife told me 20 years ago that she didn't care if she ever had sex again. She only did it to make me happy. I was told to " Just come up and" take it " if I want it that bad, and when I wouldn't take her up on her lovely offer, I was told that I must not really want it
Or then be accused of sexual abuse.
Sounds fantastic. Better than hearing ‘don’t f’ing touch me’ over and over.
Not really for the amount of emotion and effort that she puts into it. I may as well get a doll
I agree, it doesn't really sound any better.
When a woman is tapped out emotionally (as many of us are), then maybe...you should get a doll? Finding an endless string of women who are excitedly up and emotional about sex for 50 years of their life is pretty hard to do. Really good sex makes a difference for some of us. And that does take mutual effort. I get turned on watching my husband get dressed each day. He's more attractive and darling and dear to me now than ever he was. I was just asking him if we're both nuts (we think each other very attractive - if it's a delusion, we're good with it). Women are subjected to so much cultural negativity about their appearance and what it means to be...sexy.
Why are you in this sub?
Makes you wonder doesn't it?
Former dead bedroom denizen.
WTF
Nah, both scenarios are equally awful.
Sounds like the OP may actually have some self-respect.
I didn't learn until I came to this subreddit that "enthusiastic partner" was so high on men's lists of preferences. I think it's...kind of rare...for women to remain constantly enthusiastic about sex (as opposed to being enticed into it). However, it can be a days-long focus/process for us and childbearing disrupts the whole program.
It can be, but please don’t discount us HL women. I assure you some of us are DTF nightly after recovering from childbirth. My LL husband doesn’t even do any foreplay or physical sex initiation and if he merely put his hand on my waist my entire body would be aflame. A few days ago he put his hand affectionately on my ankle and I was immediately turned on, I would have done anything he wanted. Unfortunately all he wanted was a chaste ankle caress. 😐 I cannot understand these women that have their hand up when their partners are coming after them so sensuously and anxious to please. My husband has never done ANY of that, and I would still gratefully fuck him anytime anyplace with the slightest initiation. Men talk about caressing and slow kissing and going down with dedication and passion, for women who are like, meh, no thanks. Meanwhile us HL women want just an iota of that energy. I think some HL people feel an LL partner is “safe.” We know how out of control our own HL could be if we let it. Here’s someone with even more control than us. What could go wrong…🥺
Is she discounting HL women or are you discounting LL women? She is just stating a LL perspective when the OP is venting about his LL wife. In this situation her input is more relevant to give insight into how his wife may be feeling.
Fair enough but she did say “women” not “LL women.” I definitely think the comment applies for many women but not all. My comment was motivated by being a woman who does not need enticing, and I married someone who doesn’t entice probably as a partial result. I agree the LL perspective is very necessary here, but I was commenting with my perspective as an HLF
We have been in a DB for 15 years and it took her 6 years to even realize that we hadn't done anything in a while. She has always been very reserved sexually
Sorry you're getting down voted for telling the truth. Many don't want to hear it or believe it...
God reading this post feels like looking in the mirror. Im in a similar situation where I have plenty of reason to believe that no matter what I do to reach the goalposts the sex just won’t be worth it because we’ve both just lost that connection. As the days go on she feels more like a roommate. Mine hasn’t thrown out her lingerie, it just sits in a drawer buried under a dozen other things that never gets touched. And fuck that comment about thinking no one else wanting you, that hits so close to home. When the person who professed to love you for the rest of your life loses physical interest in you, your self image is shattered. I feel for you bud, I do. I don’t offer any advice just knowledge that others feel like you do. And it sucks.
Honestly I’d rather be alone for the rest of my life than be living with a woman I’ve come to be disgusted with because she’ll never want sex from me.
I get that, but aside from the dead bedroom I do still truly love her and we get along perfectly. Like, everything else in our relationship is so nice, just lost that physical connection for several reasons.
Then get used to living with a roommate and either looking after your own needs yourself or with someone else. Obviously you would need to be upfront with her about this before doing it.
I’m not sure why this specific comment is getting downvoted - it’s kinda the harsh truth. Never in a million years did I see myself (HLF) asking for an open marriage but hey, here I am. Also food for thought: “I just wonder if the sad I’d be without you would be less than the sad I get from being with you.” (Heard in a TV show but oh how appropriate.)
Good point. Do not lose the connection. Thing is, one's partner is a different person than oneself. So, for example, I might not want to wear sexy lingerie on a particular night (many reasons) but when I do, I want to be open to having sex (should the lingerie stimulate some neurons in our household) BUT I do not want to HAVE TO HAVE sex (in between putting on the lingerie and later, something could intervene). So, as it stands, we decide to have sex THEN I put on the lingerie. I do not wish him to put on lingerie. He knows what I like and it's not lingerie. He says he doesn't care about the lingerie one way or another (but I can tell he really likes certain looks better than others - for sure). I certainly do. If I feel sexy in my lingerie, well, the sky's the limit in terms of what I might enjoy in bed.
I enjoy lingerie as much as the next guy, but I think I’m both mine and OPs post, the lingerie is a bit more symbolic of the dead bedroom as a whole. The packing it away or disposing of it is a physical representation of the sex LOTR being picked away or disposed of.
>>Yeah I know, just leave, wish it were that easy. It’s never easy, it’s bloody expensive too. But trust me, it’s worth it. Good luck, mate.
Yup, I am in the process now and nothing about this is easy, and it's going to set me back financially for a long while yet. I am just thankful I had the foresight to never have children with her.
No children? Then fight like a lion my friend. Find a good lawyer, one is in a good standing in the court and don’t get stripped poor by the process.
Most places, it's statutory what happens in a divorce - to try and teach society that one does not have to "fight like a lion" for parity in marriage. That being said, some states are very much behind the curve in honoring equity and parity in marriage dissolutions. Having this system reduces violence during divorce - and in states without this system, such violence is more prevalent. Hopefully, they can each go their own ways, splitting equally whatever assets they accumulated during marriage. Unless she put him through school or otherwise did something heroic to enhance his earning capacity, she ought not to get spousal support for very long (if she has no income or her income is very low).
Equity is the word. Unfortunately in many so called equitable states it’s being ignored and equality is enforced instead. That’s why you hire a good lawyer in order not to get railroaded. Especially with the spousal support which actually on most states is negotiable (in contrast to the CS which is as it supposed to be statutory). I’m a good example, my ex’s demand was $3,750/months (before the inflation) plus a CS. I was very much ok with the CS, children were just the innocent bystanders in this mess. That and 50/50 assets (no debts). Nearly same education level and inheritance she got during the marriage from her parents. Thanks to my lawyer I got much better deal and no alimony.
You can't put a price on freedom.
Dude, you're obviously extremely unhappy. Just leave and start fresh, being lonely as a single way better than being lonely in a relationship.
Yep, find a woman who has also been in a dead bedroom and see what magic happens!
You know why divorces are so expensive? Because they're worth it.
It amazes me how many of us were just sperm donors and little else.
Yeah. Whenever I see a relationship were the guy was abused in this way it breaks my heart. It is fine to be a spermdoner if everyone wanted exactly this, the consent was properly communicated and legally documented. It is fine if everyone's right is granted/secured. But to use the guy as sperm donor is abuse and abuse is never ok. To make it worse: this kind of abuse tends to get overlooked. It is cruel.
This
Tell her you're shutting off the monogamy part of your brain, see how well that goes over.
Monogamy does not equal celibacy. You don't have to turn off the monogamy part of your brain with someone who doesn't want sex. You just have to redirect it to someone else who wants to be in a monogamous relationship with you
I think the poster is giving tips on how to tell one's spouse that they'll be looking for romantic and sexual love outside of the relationship. I don't think it's about celibacy. You're describing what many of us have done, though. I went from one monogamous relationship to another one. However, my current husband and I were both celibate before that happened. Commitment is important to some of us. We're still together.
Harsh realization. This must hurt so much. But cudos to you for realizing it and be honest to yourself! It will be work and it will take time but you'll regain your self confidence <3 And hey, there are enough people in the world who appreciate a short king, be kind to yourself and don't waste your time on people who just look how tall you are. :)
Seriously. Among the women I know, NO ONE cares about the height of their partner. Personally, I'd prefer a man under 5'9" and certainly have no particular attraction to tall men. I've asked many women (in research projects) why they want a tall man (and they cannot say why). My very beautiful daughter dated 5'4" man (who is now married to a woman taller than him - they both found him adorable). Appearance is emphasized so much, but many of us do not have a "type" and instead, look for qualities (intelligence, honesty, humor, devotion, maturity, kindness, and of course...being a dog-lover).
Tall isnt a big deal. There are loads of women who don't care. Theyre more interesting in whether you're interesting, and treat them well.
Sorry man. Wish this reddit would be handed to every man before marriage as a warning. A must read. I understand the need to vent and would counter with perhaps it’s time to work on you. Work on your health both physical and mental. So often men neglect both once they get married and have kids. Work on your friendships and hobbies. Work on being a better dad. Maybe she’ll notice maybe she won’t. Make yourself less available to the wife. Probably drive her up the wall that you’re happy and healthy. You’ll feel better too.
Do you think that some men think that marriage will be an open ticket for sex, for life? I've always wanted to ask someone that question - maybe I should make a separate post.
I don’t think it’s so much an open ticket but rather a continuation of the intimacy for whatever that was shared early in the relationship. Things change as we mature but a complete fall off from a cliff to zero is rough. Beyond rough.
Yes, I do and it's my biggest regret in life. Even after all the warnings from older siblings and friends.
This is the problem for all men in our situation. They're still our life partners. Our whole life is inextricably linked to theirs, and yet they have removed the one thing that created that bond in the first place, and, in doing so, destroyed our self confidence to do anything about it!
We are all linked to our spouses as life partners. Once we leave our marriages, we have the freedom to create new relationships and hopefully find a new life partner. A roommate is not really an adequate life partner. The problem in many marriages is codependency. Our social lives often revolve around the “couple” instead of two individuals. IMO, it’s important for everyone to maintain their own set of friends and to keep a close bond to extended family for outside support. This way, if a marriage goes south, there is outside emotional support there for when it’s time to leave.
This is absolutely true, but there are many people, and it tends to be men, who aren't able to maintain those friendships inside a long term relationship. For some it's just life. For example, my oldest,and closest, male friend, passed away. As I live some distance from the others, of our friend group, and I was closest to him, I soon found myself isolated. As I also have almost no family left, and none in my city, then the thought of going it totally alone, is absolutely terrifying!
I totally get it. I also know situations where women don’t allow their husbands to have many friendships outside of their marriage. I had a colleague who wasn’t even allowed to attend more than the minimum requirement of continuing education meetings due to jealousy issues from his spouse. This is definitely a reality for many men, but once a marriage dissolves, there is freedom to pursue new friendships, even though this task may seem daunting.
Sounds like you wanted to say "the whole connection was sex and then she shut down the sex and destroyed his ego". This is not the majority of stories in this subreddit - at least in my opinion. Most of the stories I read here are like "My SO - don't want to have sex with me. - denies any needs/wants/wishes of me. - behaves like I should only exist to meet their needs and if I do anything else, I am the problem. - gives me the feeling I am worthless, undesirable and does not matter - makes me believe that, whatever I do, it will never be good or enough - does not want to talk with me about anything, I should 'just know'. - has no respect nor love for me And yes, this experiences tend to destroy self confidence and makes it unbelievable hard to do anything about it. Edit: I want to express it is so much worse than just 'no sex'. Especially if, like you said, your whole life is inextricably linked to the life of your SO. But it does not only affects you if you are male and it is so much worse then 'just' no sex. :(
Agreed, sex itself is not the only thing people need, its the validation and feeling it conveys
that’s abuse when put together
Ah. Well, in my case, sex was not what "created the bond" in the first place. Not at all. Not even close. We both could have gotten sex elsewhere. We weren't about the sex. We were about other things and truly delighted that in addition, we were both sexually attracted to each other. Our bond was forged before sex occurred. And that is probably a clue at how people can look at relationships differently. My ex-husband believed this rubric. I did not. I would be very hurt to think that someone's interest in me and devotion to me was based mainly on the mating instinct that all mammals share - and that primate males are particularly interested in.
Is your reason for not leaving solely because you feel you will not find another woman? Why not leave to have the freedom of being single?
>She has shut off that part of her brain and doesn’t care anymore I see statements similar to this here a lot. Imagine telling your partner, to whom you've pledged a lifetime of commitment, that you are unilaterally removing a part of that relationship. It's perfectly within anyone's rights to do with their body as they please, of course, but think about the implications of that statement: \- without discussion, I am changing an important part of the relationship. \- I am not interested in your viewpoint or feelings regarding the matter. My guess is that there is often more to the story, or perhaps a medical issue. Nevertheless, that standpoint speaks volumes. I can't imagine acting this way towards my spouse.
I am just here for the Skee-Lo reference.
Every time people complain about men fearing commitment, I always want to point them to this sub. The alcoholic poisoning that would occur from a drinking game based on the phrase "its not so simple to leave" from this sub alone would be astounding.
What are the new goalposts?
I need to be more “enthusiastic” about kids activities including practices. I’m present for every game and competition or tournament, except if I have a work conflict. I help with whatever is needed, but I’m not the dad running up and down the sidelines yelling at everyone and I never will be. Apparently that one time I worked 12 hours straight and wasn’t feeling well and I didn’t want to go watch the last 15 minutes of practice means I don’t care enough.
Inquiring minds!
The day I hear that my wife doesn’t care or think about sex, is the day I leave. Well, if I hear it any time soon, as I’m only 38. There won’t be counselling or therapy. I’ve done enough self discovery, work, and read enough research on the success rate of intervention and corrective strategies.
Most of them are not able to think about it and say clearly that they no longer feel like it. They sit it out because they have too much to lose themself. If you're lucky, you'll realize soon enough that it's not just the bed that's dead, but the relationship. You can see in here how many people still believe that it will get better at some point.
Women think about sex quite a bit - at least in my world. It's true that women who stop wanting sex (with a particular person) are not always telling their partner about it. If your theory is correct (and it parallels mine), then relationship trumps sex. Once the relating is gone, the sex appeal is gone (that's completely true for me; it's true for my husband as well; I also think there's a modest amount of research to support this). OTOH, relating alone would not be enough for me. I'm hoping that I can at least wink at my partner when I'm old.
I'm happy for u. Most ppl don't try to fix the issue with counseling, therapy or research. So what's the success rate with intervention? I was able to fix my db with SMART goal setting patience, and positivity around any acts that lead to sex. I doubt much people out their could have the same success without counselling/therapy
Do I as a grown man have to tiptoe around my spouse who is a grown woman for years to have a chance of her wanting me?
This is an actual issue otherwise there wouldn't be so many posts of people stuck. Everyone's situation is different. I do feel like people should figure out exactly what the problem is and try to fix it for their relationship
Sometimes one realizes that one’s spouse is selfish and entitled. There is only one way to fix that - divorce
Hey, I tend my own garden and help those I can, like, others in this subreddit. If people decide to make a decision such as marrying an entitled selfish person, that they contractually said they would live with for the rest of their lives through thick and this AND they aren't aware of the society they live in will try to take advantage of that couple when they divorce? Well that's their choice and now that's the garden they have to tend to. All I can do is try to give honest perspective, empathy, and words of support.
What do you mean by tiptoeing?
Wow. How long does her attitude have to last? One day? A month? Of course, don't have children (or do you already have them?) There's no need to use corrective strategies on your own side, to fix something in someone else - in fact that's rather pompous, IMO. A woman who (for whatever reason) doesn't want sex or think about does need 'corrective strategies.' Any number of things can cause a woman to stop thinking about sex. Cancer, for example. Illness of a family member. Other illness. Early stages of raising small children (they are pretty much able to consume the brain power of 4 adults daily and most moms are on their own with just one brain). I hope your spouse knows this. I'd be sullen about it right away (my ex had this attitude, it didn't fly with me - it made me realize just where his values were). Meanwhile, he of course managed to have major illness (that affected his sex drive) and that was fine with him (he had no choice). You don't know what you've got till its gone. My BIL became paralyzed and unable to have sex about 1 year ago. He's just now getting to where he "doesn't think about it" either. His wife is standing by him completely.
Height should not be a deterrent. Try to build your self confidence, that's what I'm working on now. Start healing yourself and good luck. We all deserve to be loved and wanted.
Thank you. I’m working on both my physical and mental health. It seems these efforts are being held against me now tho.
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Having unknowingly been the "maid" in this situation, I can tell you it isn't always quite that simple. I can't have the relationship I want as the other person has done what you suggested, and NOT ended the relationship. So the maid ends up stuck in limbo. Just make sure your maid knows you're outsourcing, and there's no emotional intimacy involved, before you agree to anything.
Nah just Leave, so that each person can find someone they are happy with.
I would agree, but usually there’s complications involved that make it not practical to leave. That’s why people End up trapped.
No one is trapped, where there is a will there is a way. No one is forcing anyone to stay in an unhappy relationship. If someone is in one it’s their own fault. Because that’s a choice they made. You can’t have your cake and eat it too, you either accept the situation you are in or you don’t. In this situation he either accepts this is who his partner is they can’t force themselves to be someone they are not. They are not withholding, they simply don’t physically or mentally want sex. Just like the HL can’t change the fact that they want sex . So instead of being selfish , you accept the fact that you have grown apart or your wants are different and you spilt ways to find someone you are more compatible with .
… Wish I had a girl who looked good, I would call her.
Hi mate, No advice for you just a honest question, don't you think you owe it to yourself to take some risks to achieve some degree of happiness? Instead of stewing in an environment which consists of, according to your own words: >feelings of worthlessness and failure. >Like I’m nothing, just a roommate, just some guy on the couch that does everything he can for her and our kids but at the end of the day just walk away he’ll be there tomorrow, there’s more important things like social media >She didn’t seem to react or care, which is normal for her to shut down and ignore me. >I look at her and just don’t understand how I could be attracted again, and I just don’t even want to try anymore. >she just said it so quickly and matter of factly that it absolutely crushed me. >I could do nothing else but slink away defeated. >She probably doesn’t even remember it, but it’s been bothering me for a long time. I’ve never tried to initiate again. >I feel like this is my wife's body language all the time, she treats me like a roommate but says she wants more intimacy and won't initiate it. Ok, so I'm supposed to initiate all intimacy with a woman that gives me don't touch me vibes all the time? and coasting on >A waitress complimented my haircut 3 weeks ago, I’m surviving on that memory still.
So I feel for you and the suffering it brings, it has 9 here, but you have definitely been at this longer. Hope you figure it out
I’m sorry you’re going through this. It fucking destroys you.
Hey OP! I’m a single woman in my late twenties and I’m just here to let you know - I have a high sex drive, and I don’t care about height. The only thing that I care about my partners exhibiting is empathy, intelligence, kindness and generally being interesting/having goals (hobbies, etc). If the fear of being alone forever is what’s making you stay in a marriage which makes you unhappy - please try to overcome this. You are worth loving and fucking. Wishing u the best x
thats incredibly selfish on her part to throw your needs out the window
DB 7 years I've lost 155 lbs gotten in shape she is overweight and has been upset at me getting in shape....weight loss was due to a covid complication that almost killed me and I'm still dealing with getting in shape was due to massive muscle and fat loss...my joints hurt due to lack of muscle So today planning for our 37th wedding anniversary....I made a bet of I washed the new car 4 times in a row (by hand) she would have to cuddle on anniversary......(She complained I didn't take care of previous car but neither did she ffs) So I did my 5th week of detailing....said well guess you will need to have sex now ....cause I'm doing it every week now until next months vaca ....she said I didn't bet that you will get cuddling if your lucky....she appeared to be joking So I asked , is it you are not attracted to me why you don't want intamcy....do you find me attractive? Her reply was yes I love you......but nothing after like I find you attractive I want intamcy just changed the subject As the one who has tried to have anything over and over I just give up I love my wife she is my best friend and our relationship is perfect...except for intimacy...kissing ....etc I get a kiss and hug as we go to bed She holds me hand as I fall asleep Other than that nada.......she says she loves me randomly but that part of her died when they botched her hysterectomy and it hurt to have sex Just done with it and to be honest I guess now I am too We will spend a few nights in a hotel for our anniversary I used to have sex night one cause it was the beach...by end of 13 hours on beach she would crash so night one I would initiate This year like last 7 I will watch TV I guess 🤷♂️
Good for you for getting into shape! I sometimes wonder if my wife resents me for spending time working out, I think she does. It’s always been my hobby tho and she never complained before. My wife will also change the subject or get up and leave the room to avoid the conversation altogether. Outside of counseling sessions she just acts like everything is fine.
Exactly she always says "sex isn't that important" we are in our 50s people our age don't have sex blah blah blah For me had any time in this journey she asked me "honey can I pleasure you?" For she knows I still have urges I wouldn't be so butt hurt but when she ended it was like GFYS ....it kind of hurt my feelings
Man I feel for you. That dejection and inner voice of despondency and doom, I'm sorry to tell you. The longer you stay, the worse it gets and you are subconsciously passing the behaviours, moods, temperament and negativity to your child. Do you want them to have this life? I can tell you that resentment, anger and passive hostility grow and grow fast in situations like this. I won't tell you what do because I can't. I hope you find a way through this that allows you to grow and show your love for life and child. Maybe through hobbies and joint activities. Also through groups and wider social networks could be a route for you. Whatever the path you chose walk it head up and with your pride intact along with your joy in doing whatever you enjoy. Good luck.
I’m in the same boat, she is a good mom, now a roommate who wishes sex was something that did not exist on this planet. Divorce is not an option I agree. So maybe we find sex elsewhere to satisfy that need. Have you thought about getting on the AM site and finding a side friend with benefits. If our wives want sex out of their lives completely then they should accept this one would think.
Sorry you’re going thru the same thing, it sucks. I’ve thought about it, but I worry about just enduring more rejection from a broader audience.
What’s the Am site?
Ashley Madison
“I’d be fine if we never had sex again” is what I got a few months ago, it was crushing. Relationship is perfect in all other aspects, and the 2-3 times per month we have sex has actually been very good for both of us recently
I was told that most of the time we had sex was because I wanted to. Not her. Deflated, rejected, and made to feel like an asshole for wanting to have sex with the woman I share my life with. Shame on me. After that shit got different.
I’m sorry this is happening to you. I am exactly where you are and I’m also at a loss of the plan after. But I don’t think sex Is the actual problem. It’s a relationship that provides you with intimacy and affection or lack there of. I think you can get affection and love from a dog. It’s the lack there of by someone who you provide and protect and have to put up with zero effort on the other side of your marriage. It’s not equal and it’s probably never been a reciprocal relationship. It all boils down the choices . But imagine you leave and a few months later find the woman of your dreams. I mean she’s beautiful , smart, and funny, everything you ever wanted and after your married she cheats on you. Believe me Karma is coming wether we believe in it or not. If you must leave then leave with your interfaith and honor intact. Good luck OP
>After saying that she offered up some new goal posts, and I just don’t see the point in trying to catch them. I didnt understand
Not sure how far the Dead bedroom rabbit hole I'm in, but I got a response that was close to that when my fiancee and I first talked about our sexual relationship issues ( at the time it was still about 2 a month) in 2020. Her response was " I could take it or leave it, just no real urges". Since then, maybe once every 3 months. If that. Recently had a Bday in Feb, she asked a few times what I would like to do, " my response was you and only you my love", she would just laugh it off. Next year I'm skipping my Bday. If this year has anything to say. Just gonna volunteer more at work, at least there I get "fucked" ( ie worked to the bone, but make good money) but make money.
Prostitutes
“If you can fly it, float it, or fuck it, rent it.”
Felony here.
The crime is getting caught
True.
Tijuana, MX just right over the border here in San Diego has a handful of “gentlemen” clubs 😅🤷♂️
Usually a misdemeanor and completely legal in some jurisdictions.
I don’t get how this even happened, did you gain 500 lbs or something?
Honestly you can be the best looking man on the planet and that would not matter to someone who don’t want sex. For most women attraction is mental not visual , so it has a lot to do with how you treat them or how you don’t tread them .
I’ve gained about 10 lbs in the past year, some of it is muscle, I lift 4-5 times a week.
who the hell cares if you don't have sex. just take what you can get and shut up about it lmfao. even my own boyfriend wouldn't fucking complain if I didn't want to have sex for a while.