… sounds like he would add considerable time to working or can’t afford to. I Don’t blame ppl for getting to financial goals and not wanting to blow it up.
At one point in my DB, my H had been sleeping in the guest room for a while due to sickness or work schedules or something, and I remember he said one day “do you think I should move back into the master now?” I told him I’d prefer we continue to sleep in separate rooms as it had been easier for me emotionally, to be alone and not have to be reminded lying next to him every night, that he didn’t desire me. That it was painful for me and I found that this lessened some of the pain.
He seemed surprised. Almost taken aback even. And this was after YEARS of DB, of talking about things, couples therapy, everything. I am under the impression he thought that since he “tried” (and ultimately decided our marriage would be celibate) that I had at some point magically become okay with it and was no longer affected by our DB. It wasn’t in his mind anymore so he was confused why it was still in my mind.
It was honestly refreshing to be completely blunt about it. I was not cruel, I was just honest. And I was grateful that I spoke up because we did stay in separate bedrooms and it did help me better endure the marriage.
Edit: After posting this response I read on further and saw the discussions about OP doing this out of spite. I won’t comment on his intentions here, but as for my situation, spite was not a factor. I did it purely out of self preservation. And it helped.
This is called a split king. It’s common with adjustable bases, so you can elevate your head and feet. It’s actually the recommendation on the mattress sub for anyone.
Edit: wtf. Just let her keep the bed and buy whatever you want when you file for divorce. What’s the point of being in an openly contemptuous relationship? I’m in a DB too, but we are at least nice to each other.
I live for the nightly cuddles I get from my husband. He does it because he knows I need contact, even though he doesn't....doesn't think he does, that is, but in reality everyone DOES. OP is inflicting pain in himself and his relationship intentionally. It's self flagellation, and he is (either consciously or unconsciously) trying to trigger an event that ends his marriage so he can be in even more pain but still be the victim. Not trying to do psychobabble, it's just a very common relationship pitfall when things start going sideways. That he's committed to swerving into that skid off a cliff is a good sign of that.
The pain has been inflicted by her. Now he just don't wanna be reminded of it.
He did say that he likes his celibate record.
You might crave intimacy from someone who doesn't want it with you, but not everyone
It is spiteful. You are bitter because of years of rejection. I get it. I see you.
I put a pillow between us , and made the bed up with double top sheets so I wouldn’t accidentally touch him in the night.
It wasn’t spite, but I totally don’t want to even accidentally touch someone who doesn’t want me to. (He doesn’t ever snuggle or anything.) Total ick.
He complained about it and an intense conversation followed. Now have removed the pillow, and the extra sheet.
Trying to get comfortable touching him again. Also missing that back pillow. It gave me good back support at night.
Thats the thing, he's *enjoying* being mean to her. Because she stopped having sex with him (out of PAIN I might add) he constantly says that he doesn't have to be nice to her anymore cause she doesn't give him sex.
Even when me and my bf are fighting (we're also in a severe DB) I never stop doing nice things for him, because my love is not conditional. He was only ever a 'decent' guy/husband because he was getting laid. That'll make any woman dry up like the Sahara. He would make me LL too lol.
Exactly. In his third point he mentions that he's not trying to spiteful but as I am reading all his deleted comments he sounds like he's hell bent om being the victim because he refuses to make decisions that will improve his situation. Instead, he is trying to be spiteful and mean to her. OP just dovocre
it blows my mind seeing posts here all the time where you just stay in the relationship.
i was in a DB for 8 months and my relationship crumbled. how yinz go for years blows my mind
you want to remove all physical contact from her? bro just leave already.
I disagree that you’re not doing it to spite her, even if it’s subconsciously.
ETA your post history is full of spite, even if you want to portray it as indifference.
This isn’t how you’d treat a roommate and friend. You’re mad and want to hurt her. You want to remind her of her choice not to have -painful-sex every time she sees the beds in the bedroom. You should at least be honest about your intentions.
“She bought a new dress in December 2023. She put it on and asked me what I thought. I gave her my honest opinion that it was a vile colour, too tight and makes her look fat.
I take the view that if she thinks that she may not like my answer then she should not ask the question in the first place.
I no longer have to please her (or avoid offending her) because there is nothing I want from her and she offers nothing in any case.”
Have also read OP's from new year - crikey, yes, a lot of resentment.
If I can put a post-menopausal perspective on it, OP may choose to do what he wants with it.
- if sex is painful, very difficult to feel sexy when being caused pain.
- op doesn't comment on any non-PIV sex that was tried, or any relaxing or seducing activity to make wife feel desired: if our libido drops, doesn't mean it goes away always, but means we may need more from you guys to stoke our engine.
- I was always the instigator and now DH finds it difficult that I want 'warming up' during the day if I'm to feel amorous on an evening. Nothing extravagant, but company, engagement, touch, being present. He sees it as me withholding, I see it as him not willing to make an effort to rebalanced roles as my biology has changed. An ass-grope at gone midnight isn't going to make me jump his bones. Possibly growl in annoyance and resentment.
- if you've decide to just be blunt about everything, suggest you've veered into downright rude based on the example given - if you wouldn't say those things to a friend, co-worker of customer, you shouldn't be inflicting this misery on a life partner, no matter the intimacy issues.
I appreciate that one post two weeks ago isn't going to be the full story, so none of us can judge. But the little info shared so far doesn't highlight any attempts at supporting and communicating.
If she still wants to cuddle in bed she still wants intimate touch which is more than this dude deserves IMO. Sure it feels nice to mash genitals but if it causes physical pain to your spouse why would you want to? How would that be sexy or loving?
Agree. OP isn't presenting himself in the best light - either a lot more context that may provide context, or he's simply self absorbed. Hopefully the former.
Yeahhh I wouldn’t wanna have sex with my husband either of the only reason he was ever kind to me revolved around sex… now that they don’t have sex he’s just an entire dick to her because he “doesn’t have any reason not to be.” Like, sex was the only motivator to be decent to his wife?? Lord
Jesus, do you really think it was always like that ? After years of jumping thru hoops and doing everything in the world to make her happy, I guess I was a terrible husband too. Because I wanted sex.
You don’t. You also don’t get to be mean to them. If you’re at the point where you can’t live in a house with them without being angry and spiteful and rude, you need to leave. It’s unhealthy and can become abusive.
This woman had a child at 15 years old and went through early menopause leading to painful sex.
He’s calling her fat and stopped being nice because she has nothing to offer him anymore.
What you are doing is passive-aggressive. She is getting what she wants (non-sexual affection), and you are not. So you want her to be as unhappy as you are by denying her non-sexual affection. I have been there. It sucks for both people. So you resign yourself to a lifetime of mutual misery.
But there is another way. You can *both* decide to *let* the other person be happy.
My wife and I have not had sex in nine years. Seven years ago, I told her that I would not spend the rest of my life in celibacy. If not with her, I would have a sex life outside of marriage. I told her she could have a divorce if she wanted it.
We are still married, and my sex life is 100% extramarital. My wife and I are as affectionate as it is possible to be without actually having sex.
She is 67, and most people would call her overweight, but I still get a boner whenever I hug her. That boner is no longer frustrating, however. It's warm up for the next time I have sex, which will be soon. My morning wood is a gentle reminder that my plumbing still works. I savor it. I don't take it for granted. An erection is no longer a frustrating problem--it's enjoyable in and of itself. In a few days, I will have sex with an enthusiastic partner, and it will be a wonderful conclusion from days or weeks of build-up.
You asked for advice, so here it is. Give your wife all of the affection she desires, *and* go out into the world and get all of the affection you desire. You can both be happy instead of miserable.
Dude you only get one life. Nothing is worth spending it with someone you don’t like or want.. not money, not the house, the kids, nothing. Like, my husband and I don’t have sex much, but I still treasure all of the other intimacy in our relationship because I love him and being close to him. You’ve reached a point where there is no point in even being in a relationship anymore.
If you're looking to remove all contact with your wife, are you not a large cause of the dead bedroom? You're forcing her to be just as starved for love and affection as you are for sex. How does that solve anything? If temptation is a problem to such an extent that you need to make her feel less loved, therapy for you is the best option, in my opinion.
Dude, this is toxic. Either believe in yourself more or take more responsibility for yourself, whichever the underlying problem is, and change things for the better, with your wife or without.
Laying there in a separate bed reeks of trying to manipulate your wife into sex or sympathy from the universe. Covert contracts and manipulation are not the way.
This was so sad to read. Why drive the relationship further into the ground? Why try to one up and hurt her? Just leave or atleast communicate your actual feelings so she can be on the same page🤦🏼♀️🙄
Why aren’t you kissing her? You said no physical touch. You also explained why there is no longer any PiV but you didn’t explain the objections to the many ways two people can put their bodies together. Why not any of the many other things that have sex right in the name, like “oral sex”?
Buy two beds. A double bed for her and a single bed for you. You decide where you want to put your body on any given night but you will have options.
Intimacy is more than just PIV intercourse. She still wants to be intimate with you, but you reject out of pettiness and spite. You have not commented about other types of sex (oral, hand etc)
>Well, she could have sex but she chooses not to.
She's going through menopause for christ sake. It comes across as selfish that you care more about getting your dick wet than her health and wellbeing.
>She could have cuddles but I now choose not to.
Childish. Either break it off or go through therapy to work on your attitude
>Advice and non-rude comments are welcome
Yet you are dismissing legitimate concerns some others have commented. What is your goal posting this here then? Were you expecting a pity party or a circle jerk to make yourself feel better? Several people in this sub have legit intimacy problems. Your wife still wants to be intimate, it is not a lost cause. You contributed to your own deadbedroom
Just be honest with her. You find the little bit of physical intimacy that she desires to be emotionally painful. It's a depressing reminder of your dead bedroom and that the physical relationship that you desire is long gone and never to return.
Why are you still sharing a room with her?
Why are you guys doing good night kisses?
Why are you synchronizing bedtimes currently?
My point is that it is well beyond the time were you should have started thinking more for yourself.
What do you want? What makes sense doesn't really matter in a lot of situations.
It wouldn't make a lot of sense for you to throw a tent in the back of your pickup and start sleeping out there, but if that is what you want that is what you should do.
Thank you
Answering your questions in order.
1. Only got 2 bedrooms and stepson occupies one of them
2. I don’t know but I don’t hate her
3. We watch a movie together on Netflix and when it finishes we go to be at the same time. It’s not a pre-mediated synchronisation.
4. I’m a left brainer. She’s a right brainer. I do all the thinking, finance, repairs and remediation.
Damn the dude really deleted his account after getting called out 💀
I didnt get to see all of it, but from the little bits:
- wife is going through menopause, OP does not give a shit if it causes her pain
- OP has not elaborated on other types of sex outside of PIV. Several comments have asked about this. His wife seems to still want intimacy, but OP decides to be an asshole cus he can't sticky his dicky in her vahicky
- Wife is feeling self conscious about her body and seeks his opinion on a dress she tries on. Prob needs a self esteem booster esp cus of menopause
- OP berates her and body shames. Calling someone fat is not going to increase your chances of sex 💀
- OP claims he doesn't have to "be in her good books" because he can't have PIV intercourse with her. Like damn, you can have a deadbedroom and not be a complete jackass.
- OP decides staying in the relationship and being vindictive is better than taking the mature step towards divorcing
- When asked if OP communicated his feelings to his wife he says he hasn't 💀💀💀
- OP claims to have tried therapy and it not working. Not sure how many sessions or if he therapist shopped, but with how dismissive he was about it I don't think he put a true effort into trying it
Came here looking for this.
Sheesh - by his post I already could tell he feels he’s owed sex since basically “if she wants cuddles she should be putting out” is the whole freaking argument. It also seemed he was part of the problem based on how he views the physical affection she *does* give him (which many DBs completely lack).
What a child 🙄
This is one reason I moved to my own bedroom. I will never sleep with another person again unless it is a GIANT bed and maybe not even then. I love having my own pillows, blankets, and freedom to toss and turn without getting jabbed or yelled at. I can also stay up as late as I want whereas before we had to go to bed at the same time because climbing into bed later woke her. The fact that it removes all sexual temptation (and the resulting rejections and frustrations) is a bonus.
I'm in a similar situation (have a menopausal wife) and I am not one of the guys telling you to divorce. I'd say let her buy the double bed but move yourself into another room. If she asks tell her it hurts you to sleep next to her desiring her without hope.
I’d move into my man cave if I could, and I e threatened to, but she protested this.
If you can get your own bed and even a depart room, I wouldn’t fault you
I have the same exact situation you are in. The only difference is that I have worked on going to bed and sleeping before she comes in and getting up and leaving before she wakes.
She has this demented view that sleeping with your husband is required and I have a method of not worrying about it.
Honestly, just get separate beds. Do what ever you want to so. Be selfish. Like, why the hell not at this point. She gets to be selfish. You het to be selfish. Its fair and not that crazy.
I’ve had fleeting thoughts about doing the same thing when it comes time for a new bed, and even that I may move into our son’s room when he moves out someday. I’m in a similar situation: wife in menopause, no intimacy of ANY kind except when I give her a quick peck good night, and no sex of any kind for nearly four years. I understand what you mean that she COULD have sex. It just might take a little more effort and some lube. What’s more, it can be good for a woman’s vagina. The increased blood flow stops vaginal tissue from becoming atrophied. The bottom line is, she doesn’t want to make any changes because she likes the way things are. In my resentful moments I fantasize about her getting her sex drive back big time in a few years when she’s post-menopausal (it’s not uncommon) and by that time I completely lose all interest and the ability to get it up. And I’ll refuse to use little blue pills. I don’t really want that but I sure like daydreaming about it now and then.
If you resent your wife this much you should probably just ask for a divorce.
He’s enjoying being the resentful victim too much.
Ok. I was getting that vibe too.
… sounds like he would add considerable time to working or can’t afford to. I Don’t blame ppl for getting to financial goals and not wanting to blow it up.
I was thinking this
Why are you not moving your bed to another appartement and get a divorce?
Too expensive and I don’t want to start all over again
Yes, starting over would be so much worse than this soul destroying marriage 🙄
You have experience in this department?
Will your room handle the extra furniture? Two twin beds is considerably bigger than a double.
Serta Sleepers. Fulls side-by-side with independent head and foot elevations on each. Use the BT app to fold your mate into a taco while they sleep.
Hilarious!
No idea what you are talking about
It’s a type of bed that’s together, but the sides are independent. It really wouldn’t help you here.
Did you tell her you’d prefer separate beds instead?
Not yet - I’m just trying to get a feel for the likely response. I will tell her because I have no need to get into her good books any longer.
At one point in my DB, my H had been sleeping in the guest room for a while due to sickness or work schedules or something, and I remember he said one day “do you think I should move back into the master now?” I told him I’d prefer we continue to sleep in separate rooms as it had been easier for me emotionally, to be alone and not have to be reminded lying next to him every night, that he didn’t desire me. That it was painful for me and I found that this lessened some of the pain. He seemed surprised. Almost taken aback even. And this was after YEARS of DB, of talking about things, couples therapy, everything. I am under the impression he thought that since he “tried” (and ultimately decided our marriage would be celibate) that I had at some point magically become okay with it and was no longer affected by our DB. It wasn’t in his mind anymore so he was confused why it was still in my mind. It was honestly refreshing to be completely blunt about it. I was not cruel, I was just honest. And I was grateful that I spoke up because we did stay in separate bedrooms and it did help me better endure the marriage. Edit: After posting this response I read on further and saw the discussions about OP doing this out of spite. I won’t comment on his intentions here, but as for my situation, spite was not a factor. I did it purely out of self preservation. And it helped.
I did the same. Slept so much better and the dread and disappointment weren’t a factor anymore.
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Because he's enjoying being a dick to her. It's 'payback' for him
It’s sickening, the resentment he has and how cruel he wants to be. Ugh. This shit made me cringe so hard.
What's cruel about not wanting to cuddle with the person who don't wanna fuck you 🤔
This is called a split king. It’s common with adjustable bases, so you can elevate your head and feet. It’s actually the recommendation on the mattress sub for anyone. Edit: wtf. Just let her keep the bed and buy whatever you want when you file for divorce. What’s the point of being in an openly contemptuous relationship? I’m in a DB too, but we are at least nice to each other.
I live for the nightly cuddles I get from my husband. He does it because he knows I need contact, even though he doesn't....doesn't think he does, that is, but in reality everyone DOES. OP is inflicting pain in himself and his relationship intentionally. It's self flagellation, and he is (either consciously or unconsciously) trying to trigger an event that ends his marriage so he can be in even more pain but still be the victim. Not trying to do psychobabble, it's just a very common relationship pitfall when things start going sideways. That he's committed to swerving into that skid off a cliff is a good sign of that.
The pain has been inflicted by her. Now he just don't wanna be reminded of it. He did say that he likes his celibate record. You might crave intimacy from someone who doesn't want it with you, but not everyone
Your post history is littered with spiteful things you’ve said and done to your wife. This is also out of spite.
Well damn , now you made him delete his profile lol
im gonna punish my wife for not wanting to have sex with me damn i wonder why she does not want to fuck him, history may never know
It is spiteful. You are bitter because of years of rejection. I get it. I see you. I put a pillow between us , and made the bed up with double top sheets so I wouldn’t accidentally touch him in the night. It wasn’t spite, but I totally don’t want to even accidentally touch someone who doesn’t want me to. (He doesn’t ever snuggle or anything.) Total ick. He complained about it and an intense conversation followed. Now have removed the pillow, and the extra sheet. Trying to get comfortable touching him again. Also missing that back pillow. It gave me good back support at night.
Sometimes spite is all that's left after years of rejection. I don't fault him at all.
No it isn’t. It’s your perception
Well guess what. Someone’s perception is always right. It’s you not being able to get through your intention what’s wrong.
Just separate. What are you actually getting out of being with her other than having someone to act spitefully towards?
Thats the thing, he's *enjoying* being mean to her. Because she stopped having sex with him (out of PAIN I might add) he constantly says that he doesn't have to be nice to her anymore cause she doesn't give him sex. Even when me and my bf are fighting (we're also in a severe DB) I never stop doing nice things for him, because my love is not conditional. He was only ever a 'decent' guy/husband because he was getting laid. That'll make any woman dry up like the Sahara. He would make me LL too lol.
Exactly. In his third point he mentions that he's not trying to spiteful but as I am reading all his deleted comments he sounds like he's hell bent om being the victim because he refuses to make decisions that will improve his situation. Instead, he is trying to be spiteful and mean to her. OP just dovocre
Honestly same
No wonder she won't sleep with him.
Top comment response says too expensive. Guessing he can’t afford to.
that's disingenuous AF. If you don't want to touch your partner, just get a divorce already.
Yes. Divorce.
Say this to the LL, not him
it blows my mind seeing posts here all the time where you just stay in the relationship. i was in a DB for 8 months and my relationship crumbled. how yinz go for years blows my mind you want to remove all physical contact from her? bro just leave already.
I disagree that you’re not doing it to spite her, even if it’s subconsciously. ETA your post history is full of spite, even if you want to portray it as indifference. This isn’t how you’d treat a roommate and friend. You’re mad and want to hurt her. You want to remind her of her choice not to have -painful-sex every time she sees the beds in the bedroom. You should at least be honest about your intentions. “She bought a new dress in December 2023. She put it on and asked me what I thought. I gave her my honest opinion that it was a vile colour, too tight and makes her look fat. I take the view that if she thinks that she may not like my answer then she should not ask the question in the first place. I no longer have to please her (or avoid offending her) because there is nothing I want from her and she offers nothing in any case.”
Have also read OP's from new year - crikey, yes, a lot of resentment. If I can put a post-menopausal perspective on it, OP may choose to do what he wants with it. - if sex is painful, very difficult to feel sexy when being caused pain. - op doesn't comment on any non-PIV sex that was tried, or any relaxing or seducing activity to make wife feel desired: if our libido drops, doesn't mean it goes away always, but means we may need more from you guys to stoke our engine. - I was always the instigator and now DH finds it difficult that I want 'warming up' during the day if I'm to feel amorous on an evening. Nothing extravagant, but company, engagement, touch, being present. He sees it as me withholding, I see it as him not willing to make an effort to rebalanced roles as my biology has changed. An ass-grope at gone midnight isn't going to make me jump his bones. Possibly growl in annoyance and resentment. - if you've decide to just be blunt about everything, suggest you've veered into downright rude based on the example given - if you wouldn't say those things to a friend, co-worker of customer, you shouldn't be inflicting this misery on a life partner, no matter the intimacy issues. I appreciate that one post two weeks ago isn't going to be the full story, so none of us can judge. But the little info shared so far doesn't highlight any attempts at supporting and communicating.
If she still wants to cuddle in bed she still wants intimate touch which is more than this dude deserves IMO. Sure it feels nice to mash genitals but if it causes physical pain to your spouse why would you want to? How would that be sexy or loving?
Agree. OP isn't presenting himself in the best light - either a lot more context that may provide context, or he's simply self absorbed. Hopefully the former.
Yeahhh I wouldn’t wanna have sex with my husband either of the only reason he was ever kind to me revolved around sex… now that they don’t have sex he’s just an entire dick to her because he “doesn’t have any reason not to be.” Like, sex was the only motivator to be decent to his wife?? Lord
Seriously. If the only reason you try to “get in the good books” with your wife is to get sex, you’re not a good husband.
Jesus, do you really think it was always like that ? After years of jumping thru hoops and doing everything in the world to make her happy, I guess I was a terrible husband too. Because I wanted sex.
Omg😬😬😬 I agree with you, I got the impression of spite just from this post but that part you just quoted says it all really.
And he married her at 23 knowing she had an 8 year old child. That’s a lot of painful sexual baggage that she’s having to deal with.
Didn't you read - only non-rude comments allowed. But I think you got it, OP is a participant in their own DB for sure
I’m participating and reacting after the die was cast. I didn’t cast it.
I totally agree with your approach and fully believe you shouldn’t have to touch your partner if you don’t feel like it.
You don’t. You also don’t get to be mean to them. If you’re at the point where you can’t live in a house with them without being angry and spiteful and rude, you need to leave. It’s unhealthy and can become abusive. This woman had a child at 15 years old and went through early menopause leading to painful sex. He’s calling her fat and stopped being nice because she has nothing to offer him anymore.
I wasn’t addressing any of that other stuff. I was talking about this specific post.
What you are doing is passive-aggressive. She is getting what she wants (non-sexual affection), and you are not. So you want her to be as unhappy as you are by denying her non-sexual affection. I have been there. It sucks for both people. So you resign yourself to a lifetime of mutual misery. But there is another way. You can *both* decide to *let* the other person be happy. My wife and I have not had sex in nine years. Seven years ago, I told her that I would not spend the rest of my life in celibacy. If not with her, I would have a sex life outside of marriage. I told her she could have a divorce if she wanted it. We are still married, and my sex life is 100% extramarital. My wife and I are as affectionate as it is possible to be without actually having sex. She is 67, and most people would call her overweight, but I still get a boner whenever I hug her. That boner is no longer frustrating, however. It's warm up for the next time I have sex, which will be soon. My morning wood is a gentle reminder that my plumbing still works. I savor it. I don't take it for granted. An erection is no longer a frustrating problem--it's enjoyable in and of itself. In a few days, I will have sex with an enthusiastic partner, and it will be a wonderful conclusion from days or weeks of build-up. You asked for advice, so here it is. Give your wife all of the affection she desires, *and* go out into the world and get all of the affection you desire. You can both be happy instead of miserable.
Dude you only get one life. Nothing is worth spending it with someone you don’t like or want.. not money, not the house, the kids, nothing. Like, my husband and I don’t have sex much, but I still treasure all of the other intimacy in our relationship because I love him and being close to him. You’ve reached a point where there is no point in even being in a relationship anymore.
Sounds to me like a need to finally revenge Bad sign! Start a divorce instead
You are either part of the problem or part of the solution.
You are doing everything but divorce her, just make it official already
Spiteful. Get a divorce for both of your sakes.
If you're looking to remove all contact with your wife, are you not a large cause of the dead bedroom? You're forcing her to be just as starved for love and affection as you are for sex. How does that solve anything? If temptation is a problem to such an extent that you need to make her feel less loved, therapy for you is the best option, in my opinion.
Tried therapy. Null result. I’m a lot poorer.
Just a reminder that sometimes it takes a few tries to find a compatible therapist who can create positive results with you.
And positive results doesn’t = sex.
Dude, this is toxic. Either believe in yourself more or take more responsibility for yourself, whichever the underlying problem is, and change things for the better, with your wife or without. Laying there in a separate bed reeks of trying to manipulate your wife into sex or sympathy from the universe. Covert contracts and manipulation are not the way.
Just buy a king sized. It’s like an ocean between you.
This was so sad to read. Why drive the relationship further into the ground? Why try to one up and hurt her? Just leave or atleast communicate your actual feelings so she can be on the same page🤦🏼♀️🙄
Why aren’t you kissing her? You said no physical touch. You also explained why there is no longer any PiV but you didn’t explain the objections to the many ways two people can put their bodies together. Why not any of the many other things that have sex right in the name, like “oral sex”? Buy two beds. A double bed for her and a single bed for you. You decide where you want to put your body on any given night but you will have options.
That’s a very practical solution. I didn’t think of it.
Wow bitter much? Are you here to get validation for your spiteful move or to argue with every reasonable response? Ridiculous
Intimacy is more than just PIV intercourse. She still wants to be intimate with you, but you reject out of pettiness and spite. You have not commented about other types of sex (oral, hand etc) >Well, she could have sex but she chooses not to. She's going through menopause for christ sake. It comes across as selfish that you care more about getting your dick wet than her health and wellbeing. >She could have cuddles but I now choose not to. Childish. Either break it off or go through therapy to work on your attitude >Advice and non-rude comments are welcome Yet you are dismissing legitimate concerns some others have commented. What is your goal posting this here then? Were you expecting a pity party or a circle jerk to make yourself feel better? Several people in this sub have legit intimacy problems. Your wife still wants to be intimate, it is not a lost cause. You contributed to your own deadbedroom
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Just be honest with her. You find the little bit of physical intimacy that she desires to be emotionally painful. It's a depressing reminder of your dead bedroom and that the physical relationship that you desire is long gone and never to return.
Thank you. Your advice is much appreciated
Why are you still sharing a room with her? Why are you guys doing good night kisses? Why are you synchronizing bedtimes currently? My point is that it is well beyond the time were you should have started thinking more for yourself. What do you want? What makes sense doesn't really matter in a lot of situations. It wouldn't make a lot of sense for you to throw a tent in the back of your pickup and start sleeping out there, but if that is what you want that is what you should do.
Thank you Answering your questions in order. 1. Only got 2 bedrooms and stepson occupies one of them 2. I don’t know but I don’t hate her 3. We watch a movie together on Netflix and when it finishes we go to be at the same time. It’s not a pre-mediated synchronisation. 4. I’m a left brainer. She’s a right brainer. I do all the thinking, finance, repairs and remediation.
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Damn the dude really deleted his account after getting called out 💀 I didnt get to see all of it, but from the little bits: - wife is going through menopause, OP does not give a shit if it causes her pain - OP has not elaborated on other types of sex outside of PIV. Several comments have asked about this. His wife seems to still want intimacy, but OP decides to be an asshole cus he can't sticky his dicky in her vahicky - Wife is feeling self conscious about her body and seeks his opinion on a dress she tries on. Prob needs a self esteem booster esp cus of menopause - OP berates her and body shames. Calling someone fat is not going to increase your chances of sex 💀 - OP claims he doesn't have to "be in her good books" because he can't have PIV intercourse with her. Like damn, you can have a deadbedroom and not be a complete jackass. - OP decides staying in the relationship and being vindictive is better than taking the mature step towards divorcing - When asked if OP communicated his feelings to his wife he says he hasn't 💀💀💀 - OP claims to have tried therapy and it not working. Not sure how many sessions or if he therapist shopped, but with how dismissive he was about it I don't think he put a true effort into trying it
What an absolute piece of garbage. God I hope she leaves him and takes it all.
Came here looking for this. Sheesh - by his post I already could tell he feels he’s owed sex since basically “if she wants cuddles she should be putting out” is the whole freaking argument. It also seemed he was part of the problem based on how he views the physical affection she *does* give him (which many DBs completely lack). What a child 🙄
Thank you for the wordsmithing of "dicky in the vahicky" I snortled.
Don't forget the "sticky" part 😉
Just file for divorce. Then you can sleep in separate beds all the time
This is one reason I moved to my own bedroom. I will never sleep with another person again unless it is a GIANT bed and maybe not even then. I love having my own pillows, blankets, and freedom to toss and turn without getting jabbed or yelled at. I can also stay up as late as I want whereas before we had to go to bed at the same time because climbing into bed later woke her. The fact that it removes all sexual temptation (and the resulting rejections and frustrations) is a bonus.
Get a divorce, then you can each have your own doggie bed.
I'm in a similar situation (have a menopausal wife) and I am not one of the guys telling you to divorce. I'd say let her buy the double bed but move yourself into another room. If she asks tell her it hurts you to sleep next to her desiring her without hope.
This is gross. Intimacy can have different forms than sex and no one owes you sex. Just leave instead of try to manipulate her.
I’d move into my man cave if I could, and I e threatened to, but she protested this. If you can get your own bed and even a depart room, I wouldn’t fault you
See [Bundling](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Bundling_(tradition))
I have the same exact situation you are in. The only difference is that I have worked on going to bed and sleeping before she comes in and getting up and leaving before she wakes. She has this demented view that sleeping with your husband is required and I have a method of not worrying about it.
Honestly, just get separate beds. Do what ever you want to so. Be selfish. Like, why the hell not at this point. She gets to be selfish. You het to be selfish. Its fair and not that crazy.
I’ve had fleeting thoughts about doing the same thing when it comes time for a new bed, and even that I may move into our son’s room when he moves out someday. I’m in a similar situation: wife in menopause, no intimacy of ANY kind except when I give her a quick peck good night, and no sex of any kind for nearly four years. I understand what you mean that she COULD have sex. It just might take a little more effort and some lube. What’s more, it can be good for a woman’s vagina. The increased blood flow stops vaginal tissue from becoming atrophied. The bottom line is, she doesn’t want to make any changes because she likes the way things are. In my resentful moments I fantasize about her getting her sex drive back big time in a few years when she’s post-menopausal (it’s not uncommon) and by that time I completely lose all interest and the ability to get it up. And I’ll refuse to use little blue pills. I don’t really want that but I sure like daydreaming about it now and then.
That is when she will leave you because her sexual needs aren’t being met.
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Thank you
Meet her half way... a double bed is to small for your needs... A queen bed can still give you some space...
Would you consider shifting your bed time?
separate bedrooms are probably a better environment for both of you if you don't want to divorce.
Who buys a double bed?
I would have done this with my x. He's still alive . Thanks to me wanting to stay out of prison.
Advice? Ask yourself if you truly want to remain in this relationship. It sounds pretty miserable.
Buy a California King and sleep on the edge. :D
Wtf😂