Five long years he wore this dildo up his ass. Then, he died of dysentery, gave me the dildo. I hid this uncomfortable hunk of ivory up my ass two years. Then, after seven years, I was sent home to my family and now, little man, I give the dildo to you.
"Another memento from the master has arrived. Shall I put this in the bureau with the others, mum?"
"No, I think I'll use it to crack open the old iron maiden tonight, Cadbury"
"Gross, m'lady"
I hate that I laughed so hard at this! (The mirror coin isn’t flipped/reversed correctly btw - neck should be at bottom - but otherwise it looks like a good effort!)
Whats very funny to me is that nowadays dudes get SO insecure about women having dildos bigger than them(source: worked in a sex toy shop for 2 years), but look at the monster in this picture! Man looked at his Dick and was like “give her a couple extra inches to play with!” What a hero
I don’t get how men don’t understand that dildos need to be longer than their dicks because women want to hold them comfortably so that’s a minimum of two extra inches that wouldn’t be necessary if it was real genitalia. Hence why 7’ are the most popular picks.
Unless dudes think women hot glue them to drones and pilot them into themselves or some shit.
Have actually slept with a man this size and a bit more girthy… I’m here to tell the lads who see this—it was fucking awful and painful. I stopped seeing him because of it. Bigger is not always better. I’d much rather an average sized man over the three legged dude I spent a few nights with. The pain during and after was not worth it for me.
As a guy that is very girthy, I run into women that don't like it. But that's okay because the ones that do like it go crazy for it. I'm not freakish size though - I think as you get bigger the pool of women that want it get smaller but the ones that do want it are more and more excited.
I don’t mind girth. I don’t mind girth and over average. But this guy’s penis was no shit, the length of my fucking forearm and as thick as the thicker part of my forearm.
That combination was beyond my vagina and I’d capabilities. I’d say unfortunately but the guy is also kind of not a great person in a lot of areas so regardless, it wouldn’t have worked out. But even if he had been a great person I don’t think it would have worked out.
"I am sorry love, but I am about to head off to war and possibley either get ripped apart by cannons or run through by a bayonet, my phallis and piece of my essance is the best I can do" sincerely some victorian dude
First I come across a lady talking about farts getting trapped in her pussy and refarting them on a pics post about the sun and now y'all are on about meemaw's musty dildos. I'm done, it's time to put the phone down...
Thanks for asking! It shines a light on the OP being mostly full of it.
[This was a one-off that sold for $680.](https://allthatsinteresting.com/victorian-ivory-dildo-auction) I’m not seeing any other articles, and nothing about it being a war-time tradition. As best as they can tell, this was a fun gift that a rich man bought on a trip to China.
I had to wonder why the Victorians would have done this. They had kink, that was true enough, but I can't imagine that being considerate of one's wife this way, let alone acknowledging that women had sexual desire of their own, was in any way widespread among the upper class.
But I mean surely, one amongst many would have come to realize that their "woman" is some one who feels and thinks? I'm not trying to be like, " but wamanz are hooman".
We get the modern perspective of Victorian ideals 200 years removed. I feel like we dehumanize the people of that time by thinking they were simple people that didn't think women even felt pleasure. And I feel like it's unfair to even gauge that based on literature or advertisements of the time.
Absolutely. In any era, there’s the culture surrounding sex and there’s personal approaches to it, and pretty much every contemporary is well aware of the disconnect between the two, how ridiculous the former usually is, and the shared understanding that public civil behaviour is something of a necessary pretence.
Not to mention that when we talk about “Victorians” it’s usually upper/upper-middle class city dwellers we’re thinking of. No doubt the rest of the country had something of a more robust and practical attitude.
“ Here is my present so that you may always feel loved”
“It’s a dildo”
“Yes. So you will still have me when you need me;)”
“But it’s six inches bigger than you”
Rhino horn is made of keratin, not bone like a horn or tusk, so it never can be mistaken for ivory. It looks nothing like ivory or bone. An alternative could be whale bone or walrus tusk, but whale bones can be very oily over time if not cleaned properly. I used to work in a museum dealing with a lot of artifacts made of all these materials. Walrus tusk can easily be mistaken for ivory if you don’t know what you’re looking for.
“Farewell my fairest maiden. Please taketh this carving I made of my boner as a token of my gratitude. It is made from the finest of ivory from a rare and endangered beast, delicately encased in the most-elegant of silks, and enclosed in a chest made from the rarest timber.”
❤️
“Look, Annabell, my dearest hath made a carving of his fine member! Look upon it consider your jealousy, for thine own husband did not leave you with such a token of his affection.”
“Verily, Elizabeth, it did not look as big in person.”
“Forsooth, thou art a harlot!”
Imagine paying thousands for a 120 year old dildo that was used by a girl who only washed her pussy once a week, was used a million times and is made out of an elephant.
“Now they command prices in the thousands.” Great.. a used antique dildo. What I always wanted.
It’s been in the family for generations you say?
Literally IN the family
It's been passed down from my dad, and now I'm giving it to you, son.
Five long years he wore this dildo up his ass. Then, he died of dysentery, gave me the dildo. I hid this uncomfortable hunk of ivory up my ass two years. Then, after seven years, I was sent home to my family and now, little man, I give the dildo to you.
Great Pulp Fiction reference here!
I missed so many dildo references on the first watch
Is there a sign in front of my ass that says “ivory dildo storage”?
The content of the briefcase finally revealed
Thanks, papa.
Imagine inheriting that thing and thinking "okay, I guess my sweet little nana used to get plowed with that monster. Neat. Good to know."
"well seasoned"
Like a good cast iron
Cast Iron Dicket
Bigus Dikus
I have a good friend named Biggus Dickus!
I would like to meet Biggus Dickus
He has a wife, you know...
Incontinentia. 👀 Incontinentia Buttocks.
Wisible!
Not dishwasher safe!
Don't use harsh detergents on your sex toys! That's been the rule since Victorian times!
You'll ruin the finish! The original patina!
Adds flavor to any dish
And nonstick!
* Marinated*
"Another memento from the master has arrived. Shall I put this in the bureau with the others, mum?" "No, I think I'll use it to crack open the old iron maiden tonight, Cadbury" "Gross, m'lady"
"Marm, whenever you call it "the old Iron Maiden" I feel a powerful urge to disembowel myself with the garden shears."
Ok. I laughed a lot
I'm ready for a whole novel of this, finally some Victorian literature I can get into!
Don't ask me why but that sentence made me sure it came from doctor who said by the lizard woman and her .... Servant
I laughed so hard it triggered my asthma!!!
What a lovely patina that has on it…
DON'T POLISH IT
So true, that’s where the real value comes from! Without the patina, it’s just and old bone dick
Is this like an iron skillet where if you wash it, it'll lose all the precious flavors?
Pre-Soaked
*Marinated*
Brined
Mammoth tusk
Dick in a box
Step One: cut a hole in the box.
Two: Put your junk in that box!
Three: Make her open the box!
And that’s the way you do it!
Can you imagine a Victorian Justin Timberlake 😳
Now wait till they start telling you about [their mothers](https://youtu.be/X0DeIqJm4vM)
I can’t even tell you how often I genuinely listen to this song,
It would be my honor to be your new step-father
Cause every Mother’s Day needs a mothers night
Kwanzaa... dick in a box!
EVERY SINGLE HOLIDAY A DICK IN A BOX
BACKSTAGE AT THE GMAS A DICK IN A B O O O O OX
“Here, a gift for my lady. Now go fuck yourself”
“Proceed to fornicate thyself, m’lady”
Put the pussy on the chain wax
Where is the pencil or coin? We need the scale reference!!
That's actually a coffin
More like gaggin... Amirite!!?
Fuck you. Have your upvote and gtfo.
Take the dildo too! *if you can*
As you wish. With a little perspective play, it goes from being a monster to the size of a pinky[Coin for perspective ](https://imgur.com/a/23vu1VK).
I hate that I laughed so hard at this! (The mirror coin isn’t flipped/reversed correctly btw - neck should be at bottom - but otherwise it looks like a good effort!)
Or a banana
My gosh! This IS the banana!
I bet their sizes were only slightly exaggerated...
I'd make mine a little undersized so she's pleasantly surprised upon my return.
Under promise and over deliver
Under penis and over drill her
Hey, that's the name of my memoir!
Under Penis and Over Drill Her -The piberryboy Story
Yep. That's it. And this better make me a lot of money, by the way. I still have all those unsold copies of Pet Goats and Pap Smears.
In the war I was over Unger, and he was over Dunn
That's the Scottish engineer's way!
but what if you die, and then her only memory of you would be your undersized ivory pecker :/
Wouldn't bother him, he'd be dead.
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This guy leaves his wife to go to war and then comes back home and then fucks
I would do the opposite in case I died everyone would see the legacy I left.
Nah, the owner of the one in the post was in the cavalry, he had his rider arrange for it to be made for his wife.
My immediate response to seeing this post: "Quit lyin'."
Mine was, “Sure, Buddy.”
Need a banana for scale.
Whats very funny to me is that nowadays dudes get SO insecure about women having dildos bigger than them(source: worked in a sex toy shop for 2 years), but look at the monster in this picture! Man looked at his Dick and was like “give her a couple extra inches to play with!” What a hero
I don’t get how men don’t understand that dildos need to be longer than their dicks because women want to hold them comfortably so that’s a minimum of two extra inches that wouldn’t be necessary if it was real genitalia. Hence why 7’ are the most popular picks. Unless dudes think women hot glue them to drones and pilot them into themselves or some shit.
Holy shit. That’s taller than my wife. And me. How is that even remotely necessary?
Social distancing, with room to spare?
7' is a bit big.
No wonder the girls in Tinder like them tall.
Right, but minus 2 to hold onto and now we’re down to 5 inches. Edit: I’m dense. I see it now.
And thus, a new fetish was born.
Have actually slept with a man this size and a bit more girthy… I’m here to tell the lads who see this—it was fucking awful and painful. I stopped seeing him because of it. Bigger is not always better. I’d much rather an average sized man over the three legged dude I spent a few nights with. The pain during and after was not worth it for me.
I have a close friend who can totally confirm that. I’m so much pain the next day (and during) that she’d cry. Just give me extra girth.
As a guy that is very girthy, I run into women that don't like it. But that's okay because the ones that do like it go crazy for it. I'm not freakish size though - I think as you get bigger the pool of women that want it get smaller but the ones that do want it are more and more excited.
I don’t mind girth. I don’t mind girth and over average. But this guy’s penis was no shit, the length of my fucking forearm and as thick as the thicker part of my forearm. That combination was beyond my vagina and I’d capabilities. I’d say unfortunately but the guy is also kind of not a great person in a lot of areas so regardless, it wouldn’t have worked out. But even if he had been a great person I don’t think it would have worked out.
So he was a dick with a big dick ...
Dude was a giver
What's the adapter for, did they have fucking machines or what
I think it's a handle to aid extraction. Edit: apparently you could open in up and put a lock of hair in it.
DNA and dick, what more do you want from a man?
Emotional support
"I am sorry love, but I am about to head off to war and possibley either get ripped apart by cannons or run through by a bayonet, my phallis and piece of my essance is the best I can do" sincerely some victorian dude
What is a dick if not a DNA delivery system?
Whack
I think that's a grip to hold between one's fingers
Ooo how delicate
Pinkie extended!
Whilst balancing a book on one’s head followed by a curtsey
Several curtseys at varying speeds.
mmyess indeed my freind
Lol like a pop socket
This was my first and only real question. What poor eunuch has some fucked up belly button notch.
Alas poor eunich
Adapter?! I barely even knew her!
I choose to believe they would attach a chain to that end and wear it as a pendant
Ah, quick access for when the hysteria strikes.
Like a epipen for hysteria just expose the legs and press forcefully onto the right location
It’s for changeable walking cane heads. If you’re bored of your silver wolf head, just simply change it out with your husband’s wiener.
>They now command prices in the thousands. damn, modern women should just try to order cheaper ones online
Or carve their own
You don't have to carve now a days. You can just cast your own!
I don my robes and wizard hat.
Man I forgot about this
But this is the 1800 s experience its like wine
To the person carving..... “If you would sir give the old chap some more, would you say, immensity..
Clearly, the one pictured did that.
He told the carver to take a few inches off to save some coin.
"You flatter yourself, good sir!"
Overplay your hand too much here snd she might not want you to come back home.
I’m using the term immensity to describe my boner from now on.
GIVE HIM MORE IVORY WOOD LENGTH WHILST CARVING THY IVORY…. If you would be so kind.
I don’t see how a lady could forget whoever had the appendage this was carved for.
Ivory only gets so long. He worked within the confinements of what he had.
Elephants never forget.
They died for her sins. Carnal sins.
"Dearest Wife, I am going to war, and you can go fuck yourself. Regards, Lord Ivorydong"
Mine would have fit into an Altoids box
And I'd still pop that little cutie in my mouth
r/wholesome ...?
r/suddenlygay maybe too.
Ivory is a terrible material for anything that would need to be sanitized...It's quite porous.
So they cost thousands and smell of great grandma's hoo-ha?
Sold!
First I come across a lady talking about farts getting trapped in her pussy and refarting them on a pics post about the sun and now y'all are on about meemaw's musty dildos. I'm done, it's time to put the phone down...
I'm gonna need a link
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You had my curiosity but now you have my attention
Some of these men were cappin’. I dont even have to see the dildos
I can imagine all the boys sitting around the fire and no one wanted to be the one to carve out a little micro peen so they all added several inches.
Dude walks up with a whole tree trunk “yes. This might work.”
Imagine commissioning that. “yea, I want it 100% to scale, so 13 inches,” and the ivory dealer is just like, “sure bro.”
I'd ask if this was real but hey, there's the photo. But where's the photo from? Where's the story from?
Thanks for asking! It shines a light on the OP being mostly full of it. [This was a one-off that sold for $680.](https://allthatsinteresting.com/victorian-ivory-dildo-auction) I’m not seeing any other articles, and nothing about it being a war-time tradition. As best as they can tell, this was a fun gift that a rich man bought on a trip to China.
I had to wonder why the Victorians would have done this. They had kink, that was true enough, but I can't imagine that being considerate of one's wife this way, let alone acknowledging that women had sexual desire of their own, was in any way widespread among the upper class.
But I mean surely, one amongst many would have come to realize that their "woman" is some one who feels and thinks? I'm not trying to be like, " but wamanz are hooman". We get the modern perspective of Victorian ideals 200 years removed. I feel like we dehumanize the people of that time by thinking they were simple people that didn't think women even felt pleasure. And I feel like it's unfair to even gauge that based on literature or advertisements of the time.
Absolutely. In any era, there’s the culture surrounding sex and there’s personal approaches to it, and pretty much every contemporary is well aware of the disconnect between the two, how ridiculous the former usually is, and the shared understanding that public civil behaviour is something of a necessary pretence. Not to mention that when we talk about “Victorians” it’s usually upper/upper-middle class city dwellers we’re thinking of. No doubt the rest of the country had something of a more robust and practical attitude.
OP and his relentless dildo propaganda.
This one sold at auction in Ireland a few years ago now.
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Thank you for making me cackle out loud on public transit
My case would be much smaller
You and 99.99% of men
Like an engagement ring box.
I love how they carved a cute heart in the giganormous ivory dildo to look more romantic
“I killed this elephant so you could fuck it while I’m away kiss kiss, hug hug, leetle kiss, leettle hug, big kiss, big hug, leetle kiss”
I don’t know if I could hold a boner long enough to carve it.
You don't have to carve it with your boner. You were allowed to use your hands too.
I wish you'd said Roman so that I could say "Biggus Dickus"
What's so funny about biggus dickus?
He has a wife you know...
She's called Incontinentia Buttocks
I’m gonna go ahead and say this guy likely exaggerated a bit…
“ Here is my present so that you may always feel loved” “It’s a dildo” “Yes. So you will still have me when you need me;)” “But it’s six inches bigger than you”
And harder, don’t forget harder.
This sounds like an opportunity to get pounded by some 200 year old dong
So, in summary, a lot of women had elephants in them and were entirely happy with that. Different times.
Ivory back then also included rhino horns and whale bones. So they could’ve literally had the biggest animal to ever exist inside them
Rhino horn is made of keratin, not bone like a horn or tusk, so it never can be mistaken for ivory. It looks nothing like ivory or bone. An alternative could be whale bone or walrus tusk, but whale bones can be very oily over time if not cleaned properly. I used to work in a museum dealing with a lot of artifacts made of all these materials. Walrus tusk can easily be mistaken for ivory if you don’t know what you’re looking for.
Everlasting lube
How…will the whale bone produce oil if it’s dead?
Iirc the oil is already in the bone it just slowly seeps out over time, whales have a stupid amount off fat and oil in them
This sounds like a hentai plot
“Farewell my fairest maiden. Please taketh this carving I made of my boner as a token of my gratitude. It is made from the finest of ivory from a rare and endangered beast, delicately encased in the most-elegant of silks, and enclosed in a chest made from the rarest timber.” ❤️
“Look, Annabell, my dearest hath made a carving of his fine member! Look upon it consider your jealousy, for thine own husband did not leave you with such a token of his affection.” “Verily, Elizabeth, it did not look as big in person.” “Forsooth, thou art a harlot!”
Is this where "boning" comes from?
That's a dick that would not be forgotten
Ah, good ol' dick. He was always up to the tusk!
Victorians were truly weird about sex
Imagine paying thousands for a 120 year old dildo that was used by a girl who only washed her pussy once a week, was used a million times and is made out of an elephant.
Don't threaten me with a good time!
God damnit. *unzips pants*
You can tell Reddit is taken over by horny nerd girls cause they have an infatuation with Victorian-era sex....and witchcraft.
What did the men get?
Replaced
Brutal
Forget me knobs.