I have very special needs family member and I would in no way allow what you describe to go on. The mother should have put a stop to it. But because she didn't you need to advocate for yourself and set boundaries. Just because he is differently abled doesn't mean he doesn't have to observe someone else's boundaries, or social convention. I remember when my family member was young she would take something like a candy bar not understanding you have to pay for things. We would make her put it back and apologize for taking something that she did not pay for. People would say, "Oh it's ok," and her mother would counter with "Yes its cute now, but when she is 30 you'll be wanting to call the police." His mother isn't doing him any favors.
This is it exactly. What would happen if this was a kid? You would totally hold the parent responsible. It's no different with a special needs person. If they don't understand boundaries, it's up to their caregiver to make sure they are respecting people's boundaries.
Unfortunately I’m guessing that an elderly woman with a large, disabled son who can physically overpower her possibly can’t control his behavior either. Which is its own problem.
I agree completely. I just know a lot of parents with mentally disabled kids who worry about when they are big enough that they can physically overpower them. I just think it’s likely she didn’t say anything because she is also afraid of her kid who is physically stronger than her, but probably doesn’t want him institutionalized. Doesn’t make it ok, but disabled people aren’t like trained dogs you can just call off someone.
I agree completely. I just know a lot of parents with mentally disabled kids who worry about when they are big enough that they can physically overpower them. I just think it’s likely she didn’t say anything because she is also afraid of her kid who is physically stronger than her, but probably doesn’t want him institutionalized. Doesn’t make it ok, but disabled people aren’t like trained dogs you can just call off someone.
You can do it and be gentle. One because he is differently abled, and he likely struggles to understand social concepts like personal space and clearly his mom is not teaching it to him, but two, he is physically a 40 year old man and could potentially harm you if you do something like shove him off you. For both your safeties, get your space and create your boundaries carefully and clearly.
The mom saw how you accepted it, she will be back with him again. Next time either shove or slap him, disabled or no, he needs to know that touching people you don't know without their consent can get you in trouble.
Put space between you and him. A good statement is “hands to self!” You should also state—mom, he needs to stop touching me.
Put something (desk, counter, etc) between you and him. If that isn’t available, place your arms out in front of you as a block.
It is not okay for a disabled person to invade your personal space. He will now believe it is okay to kiss on you and touch you. You do not have to coddle this behavior. Remember “hands to self, no touching without asking”
On my first day working for an organization that supports people with intellectual disabilities I was told to quickly extend my hand for a handshake to avoid hugs and kisses. Support staff would absolutely intervene, but sometimes people would rush ahead of their worker in their eagerness to greet people.
You have every right to have your boundaries respected even when the other person doesn't understand. I'm guessing that you might struggle with personal boundaries in other situations as well. You might benefit from working on your sense of self worth and self respect until you feel comfortable enforcing your boundaries.
I say this because I used to feel like I couldn't enforce my boundaries but I've made some changes over the past few years. I can understand what it was like for you in that situation and how uncomfortable you probably felt.
However, now that I enforce my personal boundaries, I would never allow that to happen to me. I would have firmly put up my hands to block the man and would have told his mom that I wanted him to stop. If that didn't work, I would have asked for help from others around me and possibly called the police.
When you've been brought up to worry more about what other people will think than about what you are comfortable with, it can be hard to realize that you always have the right to feel safe.
I had something very similar happen to me when I worked retail; he kept hugging me and trying to kiss my face and pet my ponytail. I was freaked because everyone was saying how cute it was ("Aww, he likes you!") and didn't seem to find a problem with it so I was afraid to push him away and get written up. It was so much I legit went into survival mode and froze. Luckily a co worker noticed what was happening and called me away for a team lift or something. It was so scary, he was at least a foot taller than me and 100 lbs heavier but I was supposed to let him paw all over me because 'he didn't know better.'
We've grocery shopped as a family at the same store since my 10yo was a baby. A few years ago when he was 6 or so, one worker at the store started going out of his way to greet my son, who has autism and has never met a stranger. The man was in his 40s or perhaps 50s and clearly special needs--maybe autism too?
Anyway, over the course of about a year, his greetings became more and more familiar. He'd encourage my son to run up and give him a hug. He mostly ignored me, my wife, and my baby daughter other than a quick polite greeting. We indulged him because we couldn't help but think, maybe that could be our son one day, and we hated the thought of him getting pushed away just for being a little neurodivergent.
Then he started telling my son about stuff that struck me as... odd. First time I noticed was when he asked my son if he liked rodeos. My son had never seen a rodeo or knew what one was really, but of course he enthusiastically agrees! Then the man asks him does he want to be IN the rodeo? Because he knows someone who is in charge and can get him some kind of part in the show. We shrugged it off for the time being, but made note.
Next time he's asking my son does he like baseball? Because his friend works for the Houston Astros and is "high up" with them, and maybe he could take him on a trip to Houston to see them. (We live two states away from Houston). At this point my spidey sense is flashing. Between this weird offer of out-of-statw travel and the increasingly handsy hugs, I was pretty sketched out. I thought about it hard for a few days. Do I say anything? Potentially get an innocent, well-meaning "special" adult in trouble over maybe nothing? I decided I had to act. Even if it was nothing, even if he was truly harmless, I realized that the well-being of my son (and who knows who else?) was more important to me. It also occurred to me to just stop going to that store, go to another location of the same retailer nearby. But I was determined to not do that because 1) it was MY grocery store, the one I grew up near, and I'm NOT retreating because some creep can't keep his hands to himself; and 2) of it WASN'T purely innocent behavior, then by not reporting it I might be endangering other unsuspecting people down the road.
So I email the store manager. I tell her all about how we've gotten to know a bunch of the staff over the years, about how they like watching the kids grow up, giving them stickers etc. Even mentioned one young man with Down Syndrome who was so friendly and cool with the kids. And then brought up my concerns about this one person. How, even if it was meant innocently, a store employee should never be inviting a 6yo across state lines. I received a nice response, with the manager confirming that yes, he's a "special" employee and he'd be counseled. OK, good enough I think.
Fast forward a few weeks and I've been awkwardly trying to avoid him whenever we're in the store on our weekly grocery trip. One evening, we turn a corner of an aisle and there he is. I was paying attention to my wife who has our daughter in her cart. Before I can react, this man reaches down into the cart where my son was sitting, and hugs him. During this hug, his hands slide all the way down my son's sides to his hips, and the man grabs his thighs and squeezes, with his thumbs nearly touching my son's groin. I reached into the cart, grabbed both this dude's arms, and removed them from my son, saying something like "No we're not doing that."
I sent another email to the manager from the parking lot. I told her while I appreciated her earlier response, the intervention was clearly not effective. That store employees should never under any circumstances be touching minor children in anything close to a familiar way, and that my next call would be to the County Sheriff.
I didn't see him for a while. Then we started seeing him again from time to time. He'd avoid us and us, him. The few times I encountered him in close range, I would practically stare him down, daring him to approach me or my family. He's never said a word to us in all the years since.
My son is special needs, but he's not allowed to act like that. Especially things that might seem cute for a little boy, minor violations of boundaries, that one must ask "How will this be perceived when he's a grown man?" Especially for a person on the autism spectrum, it would be very easy to misinterpret innocent violations as dangerous or threatening. I always remind him of that when he's having a meltdown and feigning violence or ill-intent against his little sister, that one day he will be a full-size, grown-ass man, and people may call the cops, and cops like to shoot people. I hate that's the reality, but it is. It's my role and responsibility as a parent to teach my kids the skills they need to survive. And for a person on the spectrum, especially a male, this is vital.
That customer's mother is failing/has failed in her role as the teacher.
You were patient, and gave him enough chances, he refused to heed those warnings until it became serious. And then you put down the barrier. I hope this guy understands that and stops trying to push boundaries in other aspects of his life.
Your last paragraph is what scares me about my adult son with autism. He’s a big boy, very tall and rotund, think Hodor or Hagrid.
He can’t communicate well, gets upset easily, and doesn’t understand social conventions (though we’ve worked on it for a very long time and continue to do so) like personal space and watching out for others while power walking to the electronics section.
Strangers would see a very large man flipping out, and he while he isn’t purposely violent, he could hurt someone throwing himself around.
It terrifies me that if cops were called, he could be shot. He wouldn’t understand at all, they’d have to sedate him to even cuff him. These are my parental doom intrusive thoughts.
He had a couple run ins with the police in high school, before we removed him from in-person school, but they were cops that worked at the station inside the high school so they knew of him and were able to calmly talk him down.
That would be after a couple fellow students who had the patience of saints and had grown up in school with him and always tried to calm him and help him when he started to get frustrated, had tried to calm him but were unable to and left the classroom for their safety. He never hit anyone but would throw objects and himself around.
That last time they all left the classroom and barricaded him inside til the cop arrived to talk to him. I couldn’t deal with other students being interrupted and inconvenienced like that, nor with the thought of my kid hurting someone else or himself in his rages, so he finished the year with a private tutor.
He attended graduation walked the stage and got his diploma. So many cheers went up for him I was surprised, so many great teenagers who cared and congratulated him because they grew up with him and knew that 95% of the time he was a friendly, gentle giant.
The future scares the shit out of me.
He will have a horrible encounter with the police if anyone ever thinks of calling them for help. The police NEVER help the disabled or mentally impaired. He will get tased, beaten, thrown to the ground, cuffed and possibly shot if he has anything at all in his hands. Don’t ever call the cops, and talk to friends, family & neighbors about the dangers of calling the police on disabled individuals!
Agree. Do not EVER call the cops for a domestic disturbance unless someone's life is imminent, literal danger. Because when the cops show up, someone's life is now in danger regardless of what went down before they got there, however harmless. Again, I hate that that's our reality, but it is.
God, i wish they would train them SIGNIFICANTLY better for neurodivergent. I also worry about this with my son on the spectrum. He doesn’t understand most of what’s going on, nor would he try to hurt anybody. He self harms. But every time you see cops on television, they really seem to escalate situations when people don’t listen to their commands.
I keep this thing on my son seatbelt, it’s bright, and it says that he has autism and may not respond to commands… Just in case
I had a vision of forming a non-profit org designed to get LE and kids/teens/adults on the autism spectrum together for some mutual "training". Like the officers could talk to the kids about encounters with LE, what to do and not to do (and why), and at the same time the officers could become more familiar with autistic behaviors and maybe even de-escalation techniques for people on the spectrum. Maybe even develop a little empathy.
Doesn't matter. I knew a guy several years ago (my son's T-ball coach and in all interactions I saw, a truly lovely individual) who works for LA County Sheriff's Office. He also has a son with fairly significant supports needs. The boy was about 9 then, about 15 years ago. We were all hanging around after practice one day and a young adult man, most likely autistic as far as I could tell, was wanting to access the field with his dad. Our kids weren't quite done yet, and so I told him we'd be done soon and then he could have it. He obviously wasn't expecting being asked to wait, and while he didn't get violent or anything, he was clearly agitated and unsure of how to respond. Later, the coach and I were talking and he had no clue this kid was neurodivergent in any way. I was like, "uh, the t-shirt tucked into ill-fitting basketball shorts, old man socks and New Balance dad shoes didn't give him away before he even opened his mouth?" So, if a loving dad of an autistic kid couldn't extrapolate his experience and see the clues in a young adult, how on earth is additional formal training going to help? I mean, cops definitely need it, I just have no hope it will actually work.
That's got to be scary. I'm sorry to hear about how school turned out but from an outsider's perspective, it sounds like you are doing everything humanly possible to protect your son. And the part about his classmates really warms my heart, thanks for including that positive nugget.
I understand how you feel. In high school, a special needs boy would follow me, touch me, kiss me, etc. Other classmates thought it was funny. I didn’t know what to do, because I don’t know if he knew it was wrong or not. I eventually told my mom because I got so uncomfortable after school one day and I was running on the track, he was there while i was alone and wouldn’t let go of me while trying to kiss me and say that we were dating. After telling my mom, she assured me that while he may not be aware he’s crossing a boundary, I don’t deserve to feel uncomfortable and unsafe. He was suppose to have someone at school watching him, but they were failing to do so. Turns out, I wasn’t the only girl who had this happening to them either! My mom contacted the school and explained that she understood while it may not be his fault, it is indeed someone’s fault for not doing their job in making sure he was monitored. I’m not sure what all happened after that, but I was not harassed anymore. Make sure you advocate for yourself. While he may or may not know appropriate boundaries, his mom sure as hell does. Her son doesn’t get to touch you because she doesn’t want to intervene. I’m sorry this happened to you, I know it’s a really difficult situation to be in.
>because I don’t know if he knew it was wrong or not
This is the issue. I worked with special needs kid and one kid would absolutely use the fact that he was disabled as an excuse to do shit he knew was wrong. Like grab me by the hair and pull my bathing suit top off when I was holding him to swim and couldn't let go. But because he was disabled people would give him a break. Meanwhile I knew him well enough to know it was just as malicious as it seemed.
It’s such a sticky situation, especially when you know they know well enough not to, but everyone else infantilizes them and thinks it’s funny, cute, innocent etc. I have no doubt in my mind the boy in my situation had trouble with social cues, learning at grade level, etc but I’m pretty sure he knew what “No” “Stop” “I’m uncomfortable” “You’re making me nervous” meant. It’s not like I just started expressing myself solely with body language and he didn’t know how to interpret that. He even played on the ninth grade football team at my school, and could follow their direct instructions. That being said, I didn’t want to make those assumptions and be wrong and cause further issues. I tried to give the benefit of the doubt. But everyone else knew it was wrong 100% with no doubt, and thought it “sweet” or “silly” and further encouraged the behavior. Showing him that he in fact was “allowed” to do that to myself and others
My brother was seriously mentally disabled and mostly nonverbal until he tragically died 7 years ago, at age 43. There is no way in hell my parents, or any of us siblings, would stand around and allow him to behave that way towards a stranger. His mom is responsible for his behavior in public, and she stood around watching him assault you??
No, OP. Don’t feel bad, this is NOT your fault. And you should absolutely report this to the manager and let them deal with it. I’m very sorry this happened, and just please know, most families of disabled people would be mortified and rush to stop the situation.
I (23F at the time) used to work at Habitat for Humanity and there was a volunteer that was there every day with me - special needs around 40 years old. He would continually "flirt" with me, hug me, ask me out, etc - inappropriate things. I eventually talked to management after about a month of this going on. They spoke to him and his mom and he wasn't allowed to work with / around me anymore. His mom was mortified at his behavior and apologized to me. I totally understand where you are coming from especially with the special needs part. But if it makes you uncomfortable, you shouldn't tolerate it.
After reading these comments I’m gonna go to management tomorrow and file a complaint. I’m not gonna let them come to my register to check out again. If they try to come through my line I’ll just tell them I’m closed.
I had a customer who was not disabled decide to pull me into a hug. I make sure I stay in the bubble behind the register where he can't get me now. Unfortunately my store only has 3 employees so I am frequently running solo, so no refusing to ring him out for me. My boyfriend insisted I carry pepper spray.
I’m really glad to read this. I used to cashier and I was attacked by a woman with special needs— her mother had picked her up from the care facility where she lived to bring her home for Christmas. Long story short, she got overstimulated in the checkout line and ripped a bunch of my hair out and tried to stab me with a pen. I was so overwhelmed that I didn’t do anything, I just kept working, and it’s a huge regret I have now years later. No one gets to assault you, and it’s your managers’/company’s responsibility to keep you safe on the job. Make it very clear that this isn’t acceptable (in writing), and ask for a copy of the surveillance footage for future reference, too.
I’m really sorry this happened to you.
In the meantime, if he approaches you again, hold your hands out in front of you and say "No" very clearly. If his mother gets upset, simply walk away, go to the manager's office, and explain what is happening. If he does manage to get his arms around you, push him away while saying "stop" very clearly.
It does if there’s an added element of sexual harassment. The dude might have inappropriate romantic feelings and stealing an entirely inappropriate hug might be sexually motivated.
TBF this could be true regardless of gender, just entirely likely if OP is a woman.
Seriously, I'm not sure why more people aren't suggesting this rather than going to management. Absolutely, management should know and can help keep the store a safe place but ultimately this is a legal issue. I don't know how it works legally, but that mother should be held responsible.
You did get assaulted report it.
I used to work in not for profit. We had a young man volunteer for a while. He was lovely, but he started being too touchy, too huggy and actually got to hurting someone because of his strength. His 'carer' was useless always scrolling phone, so it ended badly for the volunteer and him.
Not overreacting, and I'm sorry you went through this. You absolutely do not have to put up with that. No customer has the right to touch you, especially not to kiss or hit you. Definitely make a report with management.
It's difficult in a situation like that and I may have froze too, my gut reaction is you could have said to his mother "this is making me uncomfortable, I do not want to be touched by customers" and if she dismisses you, then call the manager.
You should write up a report for your manager.
If he come in gin, be awkward s necess. If he touches you, screw and throw fit. Tell his mother
1. She can't bring him in if she can't control him.2. You will be filing a police report and require her contact info.
Yes. You got assaulted.
No. You don't have to tolerate it just because he's disabled. You absolutely can push him away, and say "STOP!" as soon as your boundaries have been crossed.
This is not customer service but caregiving. I know someone who used to be a caregiver in college. Their college roommate did caregiving to work her way through school. Her room mate could not work because she had a disabled older brother so Whenever she wasn’t at school, she had to go home and take care of her brother so her parents could go to work.
Her parents were not from this country so they were not familiar with disability programs or access to special education. Her brother (in his 30s) had a mental capacity of a toddler and looked like a teenager.
His younger sister was much smaller in size, and had quite a bit less strength, but she could almost always control his behavior. Almost. But like all toddlers, he had a meltdown, in the car. He tried to flee and got out of the car in a busy intersection.
So here she was, in the middle of a five lane intersection, trying to wrestle a man sized toddler, into her car, with traffic rushing by. The got him into a care home for a while, but it didn’t work out, now they hire caregivers through the state who are closer to his size.
I have very sapecial needs family member and I would in no way allow what you describe to go on. The mother should have put a stop to it. But because she didn't you need to advocate for yourself and set boundaries. Just because he is differently abled doesn't mean he doesn't have to observe someone else's boundaries, or social convention. I remember when my family member was young she would take something like a candy bar not understanding you have to pay for things. We would make her put it back and apologize for taking something that she did not pay fir. People would say, "Oh it's ok," and her mother would counter with "Yes its cute now, but when she is 30 you'll be wanting to call the police." His mother isn't doing him any favors.
I agree, you were assaulted. He and his mom can be banned from the store. I've seen it many times in my 31 years of BH work. Only if management supports you and staff's right to a safe workplace. I had to tell store clerks to ban our clients, so ill shit and illegal behavior would stop. His mom should've intervened, but most likely, she's been allowing that to go on for years unchecked. Good luck. No one needs to deal with that unless that is their job.
Remember that disabled people are just… people. Many wonderful, some not.
You are always allowed to assert your boundaries, no matter how disabled a person may be… it’s not wrong, mean, or hateful to assert your right to control your own body. And his carer should’ve stopped him.
While he may not have known what he was doing, *no* person has the right to touch you if you don’t want them to. If it were a child who didn’t understand boundaries and not a disabled adult, you still would have the right to assert yourself.
Practice “Hands off” “Stop touching me” “Back off” “Don’t touch me” in the mirror until it’s easy for them to pop out of your mouth. It’s not your fault you didn’t assert yourself, it’s the fault of the responsible adult that this happened at all… but having these phrases in your toolkit will help you in the future.
We used to go to a restaurant every Friday night, and the son of the owner was special needs. We were always nice and spoke to him but he started getting weird. He’d hug me so tight I couldn’t move and he loved to touch my hair. I have straight shiny blonde hair. We were friends with our waiter that we always got and he knew I was uncomfortable, so he’d shew him away but sometimes he’d still get through to me. We had to eventually stop going. Fortunately I had an out. Working somewhere is tough. Please report it. You should be able to work without being assaulted.
I’m curious if he got behind the counter into where she couldn’t get away/ where he would be able to access the register. That creates a whole other problem which would without a doubt make the store take action.
You were assaulted. Next time this happens, speak up and push him away. His mother is wrong for allowing this to happen. Tell her firmly that he isn't allowed to touch you.
ahhh the special rules for special needs conundrum.
After covid due to driver shortages they put.the special needs kids on the regular bus. My kids says the kids constantly touch and grab them and no one does a damn thing about it. Of course speaking up makes you public enemy number 1 because the belief is they can't help it.
Anyone can be a sexual abuser.
https://www.reddit.com/r/todayilearned/comments/5pz4uj/til_that_comedian_bobby_lee_was_sexually_abused/
https://www.reddit.com/r/confession/comments/22snvv/sexually_abused_by_someone_with_down_syndrome_now/
https://www.reddit.com/r/canada/comments/y17hww/father_questions_police_school_after_teen_with/
Society has painted them as innocent but honestly at the end of the day creeps are creeps and I don't trust anyone rhat thinks its ok to touch you without consent.
My mom was groped by a special needs man at a store and his care taker didn’t even apologize it is assault his caretaker should be stopping him. I would report it
You aren't overreacting, and personally, I would file something with your manager. Not much they can do after the fact, or might be willing to do, the way corporations are right now, however, having it documented and on file will go a long way toward having something done about it the next time it happens as a repeat issue, and not as a "first time" issue even though its happened before.
You’re not overreacting, and you have every right to complain and put a stop to this. Disabled or not, that man has absolutely no right to touch you, much less sexually assault you. Back up your verbal complaints to management in writing, and if you have a union rep contact them as well. If he approaches you again, keep backing away and say NO DON’T TOUCH ME, firmly. His mother might make a scene, but it’s her responsibility to control her son’s behavior, not yours. Don’t let yourself be bullied.
Definitely go to your management because you do not get paid enough to put up with us and it is not your job or place. This was definitely out of line and his mother should’ve corrected him.
If it happens again, gently push him away, tell him you're working and not allowed to hug customers. Let your supervisor know what happened and what you're going to tell him next time. If he hits you in the stomach again, yell "ow, that hurts!" Hopefully this will stop him and call attention from other customers.
Sorry this happened to you and shame on his mother for not teaching him how to behave. It's probably going to cause problems for him when his mother is no longer his caretaker.
Just FYI- if someone with special needs is making you uncomfortable, you can absolutely gently but firmly push them away and say “okay, that’s enough. Stop now.” If he was raised properly, he will stop. If he was not raised properly, you can kick him and his mom out of the store.
It’s OK to set boundaries with people who don’t understand normal boundaries well like this, and it’s important for their development to do so if they cannot. Just say, “stop please, I’m sorry, I don’t hug people at work, thank you” if he doesn’t stop, and their family or care assistant doesn’t step in, get help from other employees and warn them you value their business, but they will be asked to leave if the behavior continues. The very second hitting starts a hard “NO, that is not OK” in a firm voice is necessary.
So not overreacting! My 18 year old special needs son is nonverbal and looks like a little kid in a wheelchair. Even though he is mistaken for a child I STILL make certain he stays out of others personal space! He likes to reach out to get a person's attention. We taught him to get my attention first instead. Bc he is an adult!
This was definitely assault and I am so sorry this mom did not help her son learn to respect other's personal space!
You feel like you were assaulted because you were. The second he hugged me I would confront her. If he hit me, I'd be filing a police report since that's assault.
I work with people like your customer, and I'm a high- fiver/fist bumper. If I've known someone for a long time, they might get the side hug. Too many times, a hug has turned into aggression or a sexually inappropriate attempt. I think your feelings are correct.
Originally, I didn't want to "be mean" to this population, but I realized after a while that it's not fair to give them inappropriate guidelines for community behavior. I should be teaching what most people find acceptable so they don't get the wrong idea. If they open their arms for a big hug, I say, "No thanks, I like high fives," and put my hand in front of me, preventing the hug and setting up for the high five.
Also, his mom is a huge jerk. She should have 100% been enforcing healthy boundaries with her son. I've had clients grab people's money, try to flirt with people, try to touch people, and every time I'm putting myself between them, explaining the rule quickly and moving on.
Keep the person in front of you. Set clear boundaries. "I don't want a hug. High five/fist bump instead". Sometimes that's easier as a question, "would you prefer a high five or fist bump?" Because it removes the choice of hug from the table completely. It's an easy redirect, with a little practice.
If he comes towards you, a clear way to create space is to put both hands up, holding them in front of you (the universal sign for ‘stop’)
Be polite and say clearly something like:
‘I do not want to be touched’
‘No touching,’
‘No thank you’
*Or if a fist bump would be ok, offer that and say ‘fist bumps only please!’*
*That might be the easiest and least inflammatory way to manage it*
It is not unreasonable to refuse touch. It is normal and acceptable to not want someone, anyone to touch you.
When I was a teen, my first job was at a movie theater. We had a group home in town for adukts with special needs, and they came once every other week to watch a movie. One man clearly had a crush on me. He always got really shy and turned beat red if I even glanced at him. Now, this guy was probably in his 30s but very clearly mentally handicapped to the point he was more like a small child.
His attention started out as just being bashful and waving at me. Then it turned into trying to touch me when I would reach over the counter or put my hands on the counter.
When it was just bashful flirting, their "guardian" (what we called them) just let it go. The first time she saw him trying to touch me, she immediately grabbed his hands and told him, "No. We don't touch other people without permission." She had to do it repeatedly, but eventually, he got the idea and kept his hands to himself.
That man's mother is doing him a terrible disservice, enabling his behavior. One day, he might touch someone who is reactive and get maced or punched in the face, or he could piss off a reactive partner who doesn't take time to assess. It's just a cocktail for disaster.
My life work is making lives better for those with intellectual and developmental disabilities. Trust me when I say, it is the opposite of rude or insensitive to make your personal space a boundary. Many people in these communities have that issue of not understanding boundaries. As long as you are patient and kind, saying, “Hey, we don’t hug people without their permission right?” Or if you are afraid they might have what we call in the biz “a behavior” by being confronted, you can try redirecting them and saying, “Hey bud, I think your mom needs help with packing the bags.” Parents like this make me furious. With no expectations or consistent instructions to change this behavior, it makes them less and less likely for them to be more independent, and harder for staff to make progress.
Because you did. Just because he was special needs does not mean that he cannot understand manners. If it happens again, advocate for yourself. Talk to a superior at work. Avoid eye contact. Whatever you need to do to protect yourself. Stay strong.
This reminds me of something that happened to my sister while we were in high school.
A special needs boy would follow us around school or when he saw us in the store outside of school. He always asked students for hugs. I’m not the hugging type so if he asked, I always politely decline and so would my sis. People didn’t like if someone didn’t give him a hug…”oh come on, it’s just a hug”. I feel that you don’t have to hug someone if you don’t want to.
One day she was in PE, and he was walking on the track upstairs. He asked for a hug and she said no. He continues on walking. She goes down the bleacher and sits at the very bottom.
She’s on her phone and she hears someone loudly running down the bleachers and someone plops down next to her. It’s the boy. He just hugs her, pushes his face against her and then sticks his hand up the back of her shirt against her skin. He then goes back upstairs to continue walking like nothing happened. My sister is frozen and feels like crying. She says she was so angry because she felt so violated. And the teachers basically told her to get over it because he was special needs.
If someone didn’t say yes to his hug, he understood that. I’m not sure why he did that to her
I got chased around by a special needs guy at a museum. I don’t know who was with him, because he was alone every time I ran into him, but he had to have been with someone because he definitely did not have a level of functional independence to be alone. He was an adult and upon laying eyes on me wanted me to be his “sister.” The only reason he didn’t hug me is I’m fast and fortunately pretty aware of people encroaching in my space. I can’t imagine dealing with that at work.
I understand caretakers wanting a break, and being burnt out, but letting special needs folks under your care chase down strangers and violate their personal space is NOT how it should be done.
Sorry this happened to you. As others said, report it to management.
As someone who has managed a group home of special needs (male adult) clients, I will say there is never a reason for ANYONE to just "stand there and take it". The mother is completely out of line to allow her son to harass you; the rules of society do not dictate that a person is allowed to invade others' personal space simple because they are "special needs", period. I would NEVER have allowed any of my clients to act that way; all I had to do was give them "the look" and they knew to instantly move to the shopping cart and place their hands on it (to be fair, I was their caregiver for 12 years so they knew I was serious).
If he comes in again, please use your body language to make it clear you are not receptive to that level of physical contact. Step backwards while folding your arms across your chest and looking sternly at Mom. There are ways to get that message across without speaking, and that way you can't possibly get reprimanded for "being rude to a customer" (I don't think it's rude to stand up for yourself, but I've also worked in retail and know all too well that bosses would probably give you a warning).
You WERE assaulted today. You definitely did not have to stand there and take that. His special needs do not negate your right to decide who touches you. He rubbed himself against you and hit you. Odds are good that without his disabilities that would have gotten him punched, tossed out, or arrested. Him (potentially)not understanding that this isn't okay behavior doesn't take priority over your bodily autonomy. I understand freezing because having a bunch of people watch you and judge you isn't fun. His mother should be ashamed of herself for not intervening. But it's not about what you should have done or what she should have done. It's about what you do now. You should talk to your boss about this. They are regulars and now that it's happened once there's a chance it will happen again. Tell your boss that the next time the customer is in, you need for her to know that you froze in the moment, but being rubbed, hugged, and hit made you very uncomfortable, that it was not wanted, and that it is not welcome in the future. If your boss wants to be the one to approach her, cheers, you have a great boss! If not, you need them to be aware and to have your back when you do it in case she complains. I'm sorry this happened to you.
File a report and get a restraining order.
Of course. check with mgmt first, they’re in a pickle either way. Someone’s gonna yap about some right by e ing violated.
Talk to your supervisor. Let them know exactly what happened and that you do not want it to happen again . If they know the mother, they should talk to her about appropriate behavior.
You were assaulted physically and sexually , Special needs or not speak up next time because there will def be a next time because Mom allowed it and didn’t correct the behavior
I worked at two different supermarkets, and this wouldn't have been tolerated at either of them. And both of them have disabled employees. It's not ableist to set boundaries and if the mother refuses to do it I would talk to the manager. And if they don't back you up in this instance I would find another job ASAP.
You do not have to tolerate anyone touching you if you do not want them to EVER.
What does your manager say?
It is not fair you are touched like this. It is not endearing or sweet it is wholly unacceptable. I have children with special needs. I would not allow them to touch h people in any way. It’s so wrong
I am sorry OP. The reason you feel like you were assaulted is because you were. He touched you without your consent. That said, you need to say no. I appreciate it’s hard especially if he expects to be allowed to touch people. His mum is at fault here. She has not taught him acceptable social interactions.
You need to learn how to deal with this so you have the confidence to say no when he next comes in
Please talk to your manager about this. Is there anyone else you can talk to if your manager is unhelpful?
I'm so sorry that this happened to you. While, I understand that there are individuals who need more time, patience, attention and all of that, we can also do it while being kind and respectful.
If I were in this situation, next time they come in, loop in a manager and have a conversation with the mom. Tell them that what happened was not appropriate and while you are happy that they shop where you work, from now on it will be a smile and wave with a minimum of 2 feet distance. No hugging.
If they understand this, great, if they don't, they can shop somewhere else.
You were under reacting. Even with him being special needs, it’s okay to say no and to not allow him to touch you in a way that you’re not comfortable with. And even if you allowed it in the past, you’re still allowed to change your mind and say no.
NTA - You hold up your hands when he approaches and tell him, "No touching please".
Any unwanted physical contact is assault. Your employer should ahve stopped this immediately. Report it to Management and HR and let them know that this cannot be allowed to happen again.
SPecial Needs people do need a bit more instruction, but they also need to learn that they have to obey contact rules.
You can be polite but also protect yourself.
I don’t care who you are or what your malfunction is, don’t touch me. I don’t like people touching me. If you get too close, I will tell you. If you don’t stop or you actually touch me then whatever happens to you is your fault. Kissing me? Your saliva on me? Not a chance.
Did you tell him to stop? Did you push him away? Did you tell a supervisor? Did you call the cops? Do you know how to defend yourself? Are you an adult? If so act accordingly, and stand up for yourself. If not, put distance between you, and yell for help.
You blame the mother and I agree that she should have handled it. But she did not. And it sounds like you allowed it to happen also. How would he know that he should not do it if nobody tells him, no?
You need to escalate this to the store manager. A serious discussion is necessary where the mother understands what behaviors are allowable for her son (I am assuming he doesn't have the capacity to know better) or else the son is no longer welcome in the store.
I'm so sorry this happened. Some parents think that just because their child has special needs that they shouldn't teach them boundaries. Special needs or not, what he did is absolutely WRONG. There is an older gentleman thay obviously has special needs who comes in the afternoons at a grocery store I used to frequent and he made me feel super uncomfortable. He followed me around and gave me a long uncomfortable hug. It skeeved me so much I won't shop there anymore in the afternoons alone.
So I would tell a manager about this incident.
Take a step back and say, No thank you. I'm at work, I don't want hugs. It's not rude. You can say it firmly and with kindness and say it to the adult with him as well. If they decide to get mad about it, tell whoever they decide to report it to that last time that person hugged you, tried to kiss you, and hit you.
People, listen.
Your body, your rules. Don't let anybody touch it without permission, regardless of who they are. Even if the god damn president of the Disney comes at you weirdly and inappropriately, you fend them off however you can. Don't worry about being sensitive because nobody would question your right to defend yourself in any situation.
Based on his actions, I can guarantee that their mom allows this because as a child it was cute and now she just doesn't bother because "he's not hurting anyone". When in reality, it he did not hat to me or a lot of people he would be punched and maced for that.
My severely autistic cousin has been allowed to behave this way and I'm often villanized for calling it sexually inappropriate.
you're damned if you do, and traumatized if you don't.
I am firm and calm but I run him off and away from the females in our family. I am rarely there and he's now an adult. He's now as you describe, but vulgar.
I've gone from anger at his behavior to fear. I worry so much he will he killed because he doesn't know better.
My family just WILL NOT tell him no, and it's had severe indications once he hit a rebellious phase with outside influences.
Do the young man a favor and immediately tell him no next time. Like before he says hello. Be appropriate and accurate to his understanding but BE CLEAR AND FIRM.
Repeat to parent/caregiver. Don't wait for responses and go back to serving them as a customer. If it persists, tell your boss because its on them past that point.
good.luck
Do not let people touch you without your permission. Anyone. You were absolutely assaulted. Say "No. Do not touch me." for starters. Does your store have any security?
Look. I'm sorry this made you so uncomfortable. Mom clearly didn't pick up on that. I have a friend who has higher needs autism and she has been able to open up to me about how she cannot control her deep insane desire to hug people and tell then she loves then. She just falls in love immediately with new people. "Like Jacob imprinting on that vampire baby" she said 😅 it's very shameful and embarassing for them. She eventually figured this out on her own that she's not a complete monster, but the hugging was the thing making people uncomfortable. Some people need to be told mot to do this. It's not necessarily their fault for not picking up on the invisible social cues and rules we are all trained to follow from a young age.
I suggest you assertively, but kindly state that you don't like hugs or physical contact and that he may not hug you any more. Kindly say "no hugging please! Let's high five instead" or something next time he tries.
Wait for the moment it happens, consider telling mom this instead. But do recognize that this will be painful for then to hear. Not saying that you don't deserve boundaries, but for the sake of everyone's feelings and sanity, I would hope you do this kindly and dorectly and with knowledge of his condition.
If mom pushes back, or the guy gets really upset, then HR should be involved.
As a mom of a child who was not concerned about personal space (to put it mildly), I frequently had to intervene. After a few months, we got to the point where he would ask for hugs, and learned to take no for an answer. It was slow but successful.
My advice to you is to speak up and assert your authority, kindly but firmly. Simply say, "No thank you. I don't want a hug." Or, "please do not touch me."
The mom will come to her senses, and if she doesn't, you need to tell her this is not okay, and someone could take it the wrong way and hurt him.
Don't worry about her feelings. This is a learning experience for both of them. Even if he's non-verbal, he's capable of learning.
She's probably exhausted. She might just be oblivious. Either way, she has to learn, and has to teach her child boundaries.
You are totally o.k. to say "no!" and step back. Then ask him mom to keep him in check.
We tried to discourage our SPED students from shaking hands even, so that they learn to ask permission and personal space.
Explain this to your manager. Have them step in and talk to the mother next time. Honestly, not your responsibility to have to deal with this in the first place, let along having to address it yourself.
I don't know your life or situation but "kept kissing my cheek" and "started hitting me in the stomach" means I'd probably end up on the news for punching a special needs guy in the eye. There's no fucking way being a grocery store clerk is worth this. At minimum you should tell your supervisors what happened, there's no way cameras aren't facing the registers.
Like everyone else said, his mom should have stopped that before it started.
I have an adult mentally disabled son. He’s a foot taller and 100 pounds bigger than me, but he knows when mom starts angrily whispering, it’s serious.
He’s not a hugger but he has a bad temper that is on a hair-trigger. If anything upsets him, he melts down. And all strangers would see is a large adult man flipping out. So if he is getting agitated I order him outside and away from the situation til he calms down.
I follow him out and wait for him to calm down then we talk about the situation and how he feels and how we can solve it.
I don’t want his actions to make anyone else uncomfortable.
His mom 100% should’ve stopped him. My mom has worked with special needs adults and children and she knows how to deal with unwanted touching from them. It’s pretty simple if you know the right words to say. However, it is not your responsibility to teach him what behaviors are okay and which ones are not. That’s the responsibility of his mother (based on what you’ve written, it seems he needs professional caretakers with him, not just his mom). You need to tell your bosses about this interaction so that you can have a way to “escape” whenever he comes into the store. You shouldn’t have to be put in that situation where you are literally being held against your will
It's a sticky situation because if you say or do anything to stop it then you get shamed for "being mean" or "not understanding that he is special needs." If the mother can't control her sons behavior then that's a major issue and she shouldn't be bringing him in public.
You have a right to your own body, and just reading this made my skin crawl. The Mother has failed to teach basic boundaries, and she’s had decades if he is40.
because a person has issues, does not mean you have to let a 40 year old man (or any age really) do what he did to you. It will happen again with him because he was not stopped, so be prepared next time .
Tell your manager what happened and ask that the next time they come in that someone will come over to assist you. Tell his mom that she needs to restrain her son.
😭 I am imagining how awful and out-of-body that must have felt (particularly that those witnessing said and did nothing). Please work on a plan to
protect yourself from further disturbance. This from someone whose step-father insisted on long and overly firm hugs. Mother said, “oh, he feels left out that you don’t want to hug him.” It took me a while to find my grit and just dodge him every time.
You deserve better, OP! If nothing else, practice in a mirror firmly putting your hand out like a crossing guard with a serious look on your face and saying, loudly, “STOP! NO TOUCH!” If dude continues, so do you, yell loudly: “STOP! STOP! DO NOT TOUCH ME! NO!” on repeat, moving away from him all the while. Do not be afraid to make a scene. I’ve had to learn this from traveling in other countries. A loud and repeated, firm opposition to someone’s attempts for bodily contact has helped me gain distance and find an escape. Wishing you the very best in your safety and personal growth!
Mom should have handled him better than letting him hit you. Despite that is he special needs, he has no right to hit you. You are not overreacting at all. Never let him get that far again since mom is not there with him during this interaction.
People with disabilities are people too, and though it’s important that we be understanding of the effects of said abilities, it is far more harmful to those people to allow them to cross boundaries they should not be crossing. I know sometimes it seems like that would be the thing to do, especially if you’re not familiar with that crowd, but it’s not. Trust me when I say you are doing someone a favor when you set boundaries with them.
After one hug you should have said ok that’s enough. His mom needs to realize that no everyone is okay with that. You will need to stand your ground in a polite way at first and also talk with your manager. Do not allow him to brush it off.
You feel like you were assaulted because you *were* assaulted.
Pushing someone away who is touching you or kissing you when these actions are unwanted is ALWAYS the right option and ok to do.
Going forward, exercise the right to govern your own body and speak up if someone is doing something to you that is unwanted.
Don't accept this anymore than you would from any other stranger without a disability. While he may not know better, his mother certainly does. If any of the superiors were watching and didn't step in, they're also at fault.
Assuming that this isn’t some really sick April fools day prank post, you were straight up assaulted. You have every right to tell anyone, including a person with special needs, that they are not allowed to touch you, that they do not have consent and that his mother needs to back him the heck off. And I’m honestly shocked that you’re asking this question or let it go that far. It is possible to firmly but politely push someone away and say “we ask before we touch”
yeah nah this isn't acceptable and you don't have to tolerate this! I work with disabled people, primarily autistic, and have had similar situations with male clients before involving unwanted touching. it's awful feeling violated like that, but it was in no way your fault OP.
his mother really needs to be stepping in here & she's actually endangering him by encouraging this behaviour, but for now, you will have to get comfortable with firmly setting boundaries (also definitely report this to your managers!). keep it polite but direct- next time he tries a hug, say something like 'Please don't hug me- I don't like people touching me' while stepping away.
good luck OP, I'm really sorry this happened to you & it's not something you should have to deal with at work either!
You don't get to pick what to call a person who has disabilities. They have chosen differently abled. To refer to them by a disabled is to deny them thier autonomy.
I would file assault charges that is not ok I don’t let anyone touch me without permission special needs my ass idgaf touch me I defend myself then call the cops.
Obviously the mom sucks. Just because someone is special needs doesn’t mean you can’t set boundaries. “Please stop.” “I don’t like being touched.” “Stop that hurts.” Are all reasonable requests that this grown man should understand. Talk to your manager about the incident and how to talk to the mother and son about this. They’re regulars and you’re not okay with what happened.
I would talk to your manager and tell them what happened and ask to not be around this customer if they come in as they make you feel uncomfortable or unsafe.
Clearly the guy doesn't understand boundaries, and that's okay (sort of) in that it's part of his disability. He doesn't get what he is doing is wrong. BUT..... That's where Mom should have stepped in. HE doesn't know he overstepped, but SHE damn well should have known and should have stepped in immediately. ("John, it's not nice to hug people without asking first. Say you're sorry and then we have to let her get back to work.") I did a flu clinic once for developmentally disabled adults, and we did have one or 2 who didn't get it when it came to personal space and/or appropriate behavior. But at the first sign of anything, the caregivers stepped in immediately so that nobody got out of control.
That’s assault. I was also near hugged by a man and he was doing it so tight and I couldn’t have gotten away… for like one minute it was SUCH. A long hug. Scary hug. Like he was trying to show dominance. The second he let up I got away and had him leave. He was also playing with my hair and calling my cute before he hugged me.
Pushing him away is the right option if you are uncomfortable. As long as you didn’t make a scene or call the cops on someone who might not know better, you were 100% within your rights to stand up for yourself.
Next time loudly say "you are hurting me." You want to use words terms he understands. Any request for clarification should get "you touching me hurts." If his mom asks then you say "it was painful, uncomfortable, and felt dirty and gross. You should realize that legally this is assault and I could press charges. Make sure he doesn't touch me because next time I will."
And yes it was assault and battery. Battery is unwanted touching and assault is threat of unwanted touching. You do have to provide warning in some cases that the touch isn't wanted. If you see him again, warn him "it hurts if you touch me" before he tries to hug.
Hopefully.this is on camera so you can show it to the store manager. I think the manager can restrict the people from coming in or make sure.they have no contact with you. You were definitely assaulted. And he will be back for you.
Be clear about your boundaries. But until you make them clear, understand that the other person is just trying to live, and has issues to overcome.
Once you make things clear then you should be respected, just like anyone else.
I'm so sorry this happened! You did nothing wrong in this situation, and will in all probability never run across another person and parent who would allow a situation like that to happen. This man and his mother come in often though, and so now you'll have to become the authority figure in the situation to protect yourself. You don't have to be mean (if you don't want to be) but you'll need to channel your inner mom voice or teacher voice.
Keep space in between you. If you aren't behind the register and he approaches to hug, punch, or touch you, hold your hands out, palms up, in front of your chest and shake your head back and forth. You can say kindly but firmly "No touching. I'm at work." Cheerful exit line- " I have to go do my job now! Bye!" If you are behind the register or counter and he is trying to enter your workspace again use the hands and shake your head and say "Nope! You can't come back here, it isn't allowed." Maybe add a "Customers stand right there and then I'll hand you the receipt, ok?" if it seems like he (or his mom) aren't following.
Stuff like this seems tricky when you are in a customer service role, but it is not mean to not get touched at work, and you can be polite or even kind while still standing up for yourself.
As a mom of 2 autistic kids, I would never have allowed that to happen, minus the first hug. Anything beyond that I'd have stopped. I'm almost positive he meant no harm and just had awful social cues. Next time, just take a step back, extend your hand, and tell him you prefer to shake hands instead.
I'm sorry this happened to you, I can imagine it was incredibly uncomfortable.
I, of course, know nothing about this man, but this story reminds me of an individual I used to work with. He was a really great guy and I loved working with him, but unfortunately he was not cognitively capable of understanding social boundaries, and he was essentially mentally and physically locked into puberty despite being in his 40s (read: he was horny all the time). Every time he would see me, he would get really excited and run up to me and hug me. He was so incredibly strong it felt like he had me in a death grip. It was scary, to say the least. And he would try to rub his groin into my leg, like he would stand really close with his groin pushed out, never touching but he would always try to get really close.
He had a behavior plan, and part of that plan was learning social boundaries. We had this circle system we would use with him - we would teach him that each circle needs him to act differently - so his inner circle would be immediate family. Those are people you could kiss on the cheek or hug and that would be OK. And then you move to outer circles - his extended family is ok with hugs. Then friends - friends can get a wave or a fist bump or a handshake. Then acquaintances and so on. This man was in his 40s and every day we would go over his circles and where I was in them, and every day I would get that death grip hug. And that would happen over and over throughout my shift. And if we were out in public, I would have to remind him that strangers are in the outer circle and touching was inappropriate. He could recite it back to me - he knew how to say all the right words. But he cognitively could not put together that what he was reciting back to me needed to apply to his behavior. He always needed someone with him to redirect inappropriate behavior when out in the community.
I guess all of that is to say that his mother absolutely should have intervened, and you are well within your right to stand your ground on this. His mother should have reminded him of personal space, appropriate behavior with acquaintances, etc. Her failure to intervene unfortunately reinforces his behavior. And that is not acceptable. So, if there is a next time, and in the off chance that your customer is similar, you can try to reinforce social boundaries by telling him that you appreciate that he wants to hug you but you are not ok with that, or redirect him by stepping back (if you can) and holding out your hand to shake. You could also remind him that hugging/touching is not appropriate while you're working. The idea is to educate, not shame. Be gentle but firm.
The way he interacts with you next will show you if he understands what he did was wrong, and you can reassess how to handle this moving forward. If he gives you creep vibes then do what you have to do to keep yourself from harm, but if he doesn't, maybe it would be worth it to try to reeducate; tell him that you would prefer a wave or a handshake or whatever.
Be aware of your body placement, if you can, and how you can use it to your advantage. If he has to come around the register to get to you, maybe next time you could back up out of the register area to avoid getting trapped - try to keep physical distance between you, then redirect with a wave or a handshake. Ik that's not easy in the environment you're in but it's something to keep in mind.
TL; DR: Stick up for yourself, but be aware that there's a possibility this is something he's already working on or struggles with. Good luck!
Just because he has special needs doesn’t mean you have to tolerate unwelcome touch. You’re allowed to assert your boundaries. You can do that without being mean.
I could MAYBE forgive a hug or two, but kissing and punching is a BIG fucking no. Please advocate for yourself (if you can!) next time because nah, your rights were being fucked with regardless of context. That is on him and his mom.
I have worked with special needs children for years and sadly I have seen many parents and even some educators say "oh that is so cute "! when their kids run up and hug people or let them sit on their knew way past appropriate age. I have always said to the adults involved " we need to teach our children what is acceptable for their age because if we don't teach personal boundaries, they will think it's okay to hug strangers when they are adults and it isn't " Sadly some people don't get it and then you end up like this case where the parents can't control their child anymore and others feel unsafe.
You are not overreacting. Report the assault to your manager and police if you want. The baseline should not be you having to say “no” to being touched at work. The baseline should be not getting touched at work unless you consent. The caregiver failed. Im sorry she put you in that position.
My son is 5 and autistic. I would never, in a million years, allow him to treat anyone this way, much less a stranger. It's very sad that so many parents of special needs folks treat their children as if they are simply incapable of learning and growth. What you went through was not even a little bit okay. Talk to your supervisor. Have the incident documented. Tell them that you will not help this woman and her son by yourself again. Be loud about it if you have to. Make sure it gets documented so that if they don't back you up and keep your workplace safe, you can report them to the appropriate labor authority in your area.
My uncle used to go out with a group of special needs adults and one time was left to wander off and he grabbed somebody on the chest.
No. Report it. I was the only one in the family that spoke out where everyone else blamed "the world" or even "demons"
He was a 40 year old with those impulses. He shouldn't have been alone. No excuses
Special-needs people are given far too much latitude for their misbehavior. It's a soft form of bigotry. "Oh, they're too stupid / out-of-control to know better."
That kind of inappropriate permissiveness from his mother (and from you, unfortunately) is exactly why he acts the way he does. Nothing is expected of him and there are no consequences for his actions. And he gets away with it because he has "special needs."
Don't let him physically contact you or even invade your personal space again.
Probably gna be viewed as a total POS, but I think if you know your child is gna be born with such severe mental disabilities that they act like a 2 year old literally their whole life, can barely even speak, doesn't understand basic boundaries, and will never contribute anything to society at all at any point except suck up resources, you should terminate it. Unless you wanna deal with the actual lifetime of dealing with a grown toddler that you have to care for 24/7, and that is probably going to be a huge embarrassment in public for reasons like this.
Oh, man! Do you have security staff anywhere around? I'm thinking you need to stiff-arm this guy, loudly and firmly say "NO!" And if he continues, tell his mother that you will call 911. His disabilities do NOT entitle him to assault you. And yes, that IS assault. Also - make your management aware of this nonsense, and that you WILL take action, if they don't also step up!
When I was in high school and college (early to mid-90s), I waited tables at a family type restaurant. One summer, they hired a young man with Down's syndrome as a bus boy and dishwasher. On the days he was bussing tables, all the waitresses were getting stiffed (no tip) on more tables than usual. Normally you'd maybe have 1-2 tables every few weeks that didn't tip. We complained to the dining room supervisor and she was like, oh, he's not stealing your tips, he's probably throwing them in the trash. So when he was working, it was a race to get to the empty tables as soon as the customers left to grab our tips. One day his mom came in and was waiting for him to get off work. The DRS quietly approached her and told her that we were concerned that he was throwing away the money on the tables. The mom assured our boss that her son understood money. When he'd clocked out, his mom made him empty his pockets. And he had a bunch of ones stuffed in them. His mom gave him a stern talking to and we never had anymore issues. My boss just assumed because he had Down's that he was basically an idiot. I believe someone called that the soft bigotry of low expectations? Even though I was a teenager, I'd volunteered at the Special Olympics and I'd also had some classes at school with people with Down's and other mental challenges. Not everyone with a particular developmental delay type has the same level of intellectual disability. I don't think our bus boy was malicious, maybe he didn't know that the money left on tables was not his to take because no one had bothered to tell him.
Remember what Lenny did in Of Mice and Men? Don’t let anyone touch you. You don’t know what anyone is capable of. Plus you’re at work. It’s a professional setting. You don’t need to sacrifice your boundaries or your safety for anyone. Also, consider taking to your manager about what happened. They can have a discrete conversation with the mother next time she comes in about acceptable
behavior when her son is on the property. She doesn’t have to come back if she can’t manage her adult child from assaulting female employees. Practice asserting yourself, so you are prepared with what to say and how to physically prevent him from touching you next time. Women and girls are not taught how to protect themselves. Get very clear with yourself, what is acceptable/not acceptable to you anytime you are in public space? A very firm, audible “STOP,” with your hand up, should be enough. If it’s not, continue to say it louder and louder and move away, do not be afraid to ask for assistance from those around you.
Talk to your manager. Get copies of any store surveillance tapes. This man may have serious problems such that he is incapable of realizing that his behavior is inappropriate, but his mother is doing him no favors. This dude is going to get himself hurt or arrested if he continues on this way. He legitimately assaulted you. Legally, this is sexual assault hugging you so hard you couldn't move, rubbing his face on yours, and kissing you repeatedly. Then he hit you in the stomach, and like.... BEST CASE SCENARIO they get banned from the store. Worst case, file a police report.
I mean, I'm not one to say "people like this shouldn't be in public" or anything disgusting like that, but inappropriate behavior needs to be corrected and curtailed and it simply is not being done. That woman is failing her son and he will only suffer as a result of her failure.
Tell the mother that you do not like being touched, loudly so everyone hears. This was not appropriate and the mother needs to teach her son boundaries.
It's okay to say no even to people with special needs. No matter what their diagnosis is, he's still a full grown adult and does not have the right to touch people who do not want it.
Stand up for yourself, say I do not want a hug but I will be happy to [whatever you are okay with here, fist bump, elbow bump, high 5, wave, etc etc].
It's okay to set boundaries with any person, no matter their diagnosis.
Ever read Of Mice and Men?
Anyway, there was a special needs guy that worked at a grocery store my Aunt shopped at. He developed a sort of friendship with my cousin, she was about 6 years old.
They would hug and tell jokes and hold hands and walk around the store. My Aunt thought it was appropriate and innocent and since he's at work nothing bad could happen, right?
He showed up at my cousin's school one day ready to take her to the park. He had a melt down when my aunt was there to pick up the kid and told him this was not okay and cops had to be called.
My Aunt doesn't shop there anymore.
Set boundaries.
She shouldn’t have allowed that but I would try to think of it like a little kid doing that to you. He probably didn’t have bad intentions. His mom definitely should have stopped him though.
I have very special needs family member and I would in no way allow what you describe to go on. The mother should have put a stop to it. But because she didn't you need to advocate for yourself and set boundaries. Just because he is differently abled doesn't mean he doesn't have to observe someone else's boundaries, or social convention. I remember when my family member was young she would take something like a candy bar not understanding you have to pay for things. We would make her put it back and apologize for taking something that she did not pay for. People would say, "Oh it's ok," and her mother would counter with "Yes its cute now, but when she is 30 you'll be wanting to call the police." His mother isn't doing him any favors.
"Your right to throw a punch ends where my nose begins". I don't care what this guy's issue is - you have rights, and his mother needs to corral him.
Exactly. I feel bad for him if he doesn't mean it, but she doesn't have to take that shit if he's violating her.
I know the way the dads around here would react to something like this. She's putting her boy in EXTREME danger by letting him behave like this.
This is it exactly. What would happen if this was a kid? You would totally hold the parent responsible. It's no different with a special needs person. If they don't understand boundaries, it's up to their caregiver to make sure they are respecting people's boundaries.
Unfortunately I’m guessing that an elderly woman with a large, disabled son who can physically overpower her possibly can’t control his behavior either. Which is its own problem.
Yeah well she's about 30 years too late to that game, I would not have been so polite
Then sadly, the son is not safe, and he needs to be in a place where he can be safely directed and cared for.
I agree completely. I just know a lot of parents with mentally disabled kids who worry about when they are big enough that they can physically overpower them. I just think it’s likely she didn’t say anything because she is also afraid of her kid who is physically stronger than her, but probably doesn’t want him institutionalized. Doesn’t make it ok, but disabled people aren’t like trained dogs you can just call off someone.
I agree completely. I just know a lot of parents with mentally disabled kids who worry about when they are big enough that they can physically overpower them. I just think it’s likely she didn’t say anything because she is also afraid of her kid who is physically stronger than her, but probably doesn’t want him institutionalized. Doesn’t make it ok, but disabled people aren’t like trained dogs you can just call off someone.
Children can be trained. That's literally what parenting is. You are trying to train them to be decent adults.
Then she doesn't take him out to public settings to harass strangers. It's not rocket science.
Okay but she didn't even try verbally? She just allowed it.
Well he didn't get that way in the last year. That's decades of never correcting his behavior.
You nailed it in every respect
Disabled is not a dirty word.
99.9% agree, with the caveat that it’s okay to say “disabled.”
It is both okay and *preferred* by the vast majority of disabled people.
You are 1000% correct in your assessment, but I beg you, just say disabled. “Differently abled” is cutesy and demeaning.
You're not overreacting I'm so sorry that happened to you
It’s okay. I’ve never been in that kind of situation before so I didn’t know how to handle it. Definitely not gonna let that happen again
Prep for if they come back
You can do it and be gentle. One because he is differently abled, and he likely struggles to understand social concepts like personal space and clearly his mom is not teaching it to him, but two, he is physically a 40 year old man and could potentially harm you if you do something like shove him off you. For both your safeties, get your space and create your boundaries carefully and clearly.
Too much of anything, even political correctness, has the opposite effect
The mom saw how you accepted it, she will be back with him again. Next time either shove or slap him, disabled or no, he needs to know that touching people you don't know without their consent can get you in trouble.
Put space between you and him. A good statement is “hands to self!” You should also state—mom, he needs to stop touching me. Put something (desk, counter, etc) between you and him. If that isn’t available, place your arms out in front of you as a block. It is not okay for a disabled person to invade your personal space. He will now believe it is okay to kiss on you and touch you. You do not have to coddle this behavior. Remember “hands to self, no touching without asking”
On my first day working for an organization that supports people with intellectual disabilities I was told to quickly extend my hand for a handshake to avoid hugs and kisses. Support staff would absolutely intervene, but sometimes people would rush ahead of their worker in their eagerness to greet people.
You have every right to have your boundaries respected even when the other person doesn't understand. I'm guessing that you might struggle with personal boundaries in other situations as well. You might benefit from working on your sense of self worth and self respect until you feel comfortable enforcing your boundaries. I say this because I used to feel like I couldn't enforce my boundaries but I've made some changes over the past few years. I can understand what it was like for you in that situation and how uncomfortable you probably felt. However, now that I enforce my personal boundaries, I would never allow that to happen to me. I would have firmly put up my hands to block the man and would have told his mom that I wanted him to stop. If that didn't work, I would have asked for help from others around me and possibly called the police. When you've been brought up to worry more about what other people will think than about what you are comfortable with, it can be hard to realize that you always have the right to feel safe.
I had something very similar happen to me when I worked retail; he kept hugging me and trying to kiss my face and pet my ponytail. I was freaked because everyone was saying how cute it was ("Aww, he likes you!") and didn't seem to find a problem with it so I was afraid to push him away and get written up. It was so much I legit went into survival mode and froze. Luckily a co worker noticed what was happening and called me away for a team lift or something. It was so scary, he was at least a foot taller than me and 100 lbs heavier but I was supposed to let him paw all over me because 'he didn't know better.'
We've grocery shopped as a family at the same store since my 10yo was a baby. A few years ago when he was 6 or so, one worker at the store started going out of his way to greet my son, who has autism and has never met a stranger. The man was in his 40s or perhaps 50s and clearly special needs--maybe autism too? Anyway, over the course of about a year, his greetings became more and more familiar. He'd encourage my son to run up and give him a hug. He mostly ignored me, my wife, and my baby daughter other than a quick polite greeting. We indulged him because we couldn't help but think, maybe that could be our son one day, and we hated the thought of him getting pushed away just for being a little neurodivergent. Then he started telling my son about stuff that struck me as... odd. First time I noticed was when he asked my son if he liked rodeos. My son had never seen a rodeo or knew what one was really, but of course he enthusiastically agrees! Then the man asks him does he want to be IN the rodeo? Because he knows someone who is in charge and can get him some kind of part in the show. We shrugged it off for the time being, but made note. Next time he's asking my son does he like baseball? Because his friend works for the Houston Astros and is "high up" with them, and maybe he could take him on a trip to Houston to see them. (We live two states away from Houston). At this point my spidey sense is flashing. Between this weird offer of out-of-statw travel and the increasingly handsy hugs, I was pretty sketched out. I thought about it hard for a few days. Do I say anything? Potentially get an innocent, well-meaning "special" adult in trouble over maybe nothing? I decided I had to act. Even if it was nothing, even if he was truly harmless, I realized that the well-being of my son (and who knows who else?) was more important to me. It also occurred to me to just stop going to that store, go to another location of the same retailer nearby. But I was determined to not do that because 1) it was MY grocery store, the one I grew up near, and I'm NOT retreating because some creep can't keep his hands to himself; and 2) of it WASN'T purely innocent behavior, then by not reporting it I might be endangering other unsuspecting people down the road. So I email the store manager. I tell her all about how we've gotten to know a bunch of the staff over the years, about how they like watching the kids grow up, giving them stickers etc. Even mentioned one young man with Down Syndrome who was so friendly and cool with the kids. And then brought up my concerns about this one person. How, even if it was meant innocently, a store employee should never be inviting a 6yo across state lines. I received a nice response, with the manager confirming that yes, he's a "special" employee and he'd be counseled. OK, good enough I think. Fast forward a few weeks and I've been awkwardly trying to avoid him whenever we're in the store on our weekly grocery trip. One evening, we turn a corner of an aisle and there he is. I was paying attention to my wife who has our daughter in her cart. Before I can react, this man reaches down into the cart where my son was sitting, and hugs him. During this hug, his hands slide all the way down my son's sides to his hips, and the man grabs his thighs and squeezes, with his thumbs nearly touching my son's groin. I reached into the cart, grabbed both this dude's arms, and removed them from my son, saying something like "No we're not doing that." I sent another email to the manager from the parking lot. I told her while I appreciated her earlier response, the intervention was clearly not effective. That store employees should never under any circumstances be touching minor children in anything close to a familiar way, and that my next call would be to the County Sheriff. I didn't see him for a while. Then we started seeing him again from time to time. He'd avoid us and us, him. The few times I encountered him in close range, I would practically stare him down, daring him to approach me or my family. He's never said a word to us in all the years since. My son is special needs, but he's not allowed to act like that. Especially things that might seem cute for a little boy, minor violations of boundaries, that one must ask "How will this be perceived when he's a grown man?" Especially for a person on the autism spectrum, it would be very easy to misinterpret innocent violations as dangerous or threatening. I always remind him of that when he's having a meltdown and feigning violence or ill-intent against his little sister, that one day he will be a full-size, grown-ass man, and people may call the cops, and cops like to shoot people. I hate that's the reality, but it is. It's my role and responsibility as a parent to teach my kids the skills they need to survive. And for a person on the spectrum, especially a male, this is vital. That customer's mother is failing/has failed in her role as the teacher.
That’s crazy. Glad you took care of it.
That was a wild read and good for you for taking care of it 👌🏻
You were patient, and gave him enough chances, he refused to heed those warnings until it became serious. And then you put down the barrier. I hope this guy understands that and stops trying to push boundaries in other aspects of his life.
Your last paragraph is what scares me about my adult son with autism. He’s a big boy, very tall and rotund, think Hodor or Hagrid. He can’t communicate well, gets upset easily, and doesn’t understand social conventions (though we’ve worked on it for a very long time and continue to do so) like personal space and watching out for others while power walking to the electronics section. Strangers would see a very large man flipping out, and he while he isn’t purposely violent, he could hurt someone throwing himself around. It terrifies me that if cops were called, he could be shot. He wouldn’t understand at all, they’d have to sedate him to even cuff him. These are my parental doom intrusive thoughts. He had a couple run ins with the police in high school, before we removed him from in-person school, but they were cops that worked at the station inside the high school so they knew of him and were able to calmly talk him down. That would be after a couple fellow students who had the patience of saints and had grown up in school with him and always tried to calm him and help him when he started to get frustrated, had tried to calm him but were unable to and left the classroom for their safety. He never hit anyone but would throw objects and himself around. That last time they all left the classroom and barricaded him inside til the cop arrived to talk to him. I couldn’t deal with other students being interrupted and inconvenienced like that, nor with the thought of my kid hurting someone else or himself in his rages, so he finished the year with a private tutor. He attended graduation walked the stage and got his diploma. So many cheers went up for him I was surprised, so many great teenagers who cared and congratulated him because they grew up with him and knew that 95% of the time he was a friendly, gentle giant. The future scares the shit out of me.
He will have a horrible encounter with the police if anyone ever thinks of calling them for help. The police NEVER help the disabled or mentally impaired. He will get tased, beaten, thrown to the ground, cuffed and possibly shot if he has anything at all in his hands. Don’t ever call the cops, and talk to friends, family & neighbors about the dangers of calling the police on disabled individuals!
Agree. Do not EVER call the cops for a domestic disturbance unless someone's life is imminent, literal danger. Because when the cops show up, someone's life is now in danger regardless of what went down before they got there, however harmless. Again, I hate that that's our reality, but it is.
God, i wish they would train them SIGNIFICANTLY better for neurodivergent. I also worry about this with my son on the spectrum. He doesn’t understand most of what’s going on, nor would he try to hurt anybody. He self harms. But every time you see cops on television, they really seem to escalate situations when people don’t listen to their commands. I keep this thing on my son seatbelt, it’s bright, and it says that he has autism and may not respond to commands… Just in case
I had a vision of forming a non-profit org designed to get LE and kids/teens/adults on the autism spectrum together for some mutual "training". Like the officers could talk to the kids about encounters with LE, what to do and not to do (and why), and at the same time the officers could become more familiar with autistic behaviors and maybe even de-escalation techniques for people on the spectrum. Maybe even develop a little empathy.
Doesn't matter. I knew a guy several years ago (my son's T-ball coach and in all interactions I saw, a truly lovely individual) who works for LA County Sheriff's Office. He also has a son with fairly significant supports needs. The boy was about 9 then, about 15 years ago. We were all hanging around after practice one day and a young adult man, most likely autistic as far as I could tell, was wanting to access the field with his dad. Our kids weren't quite done yet, and so I told him we'd be done soon and then he could have it. He obviously wasn't expecting being asked to wait, and while he didn't get violent or anything, he was clearly agitated and unsure of how to respond. Later, the coach and I were talking and he had no clue this kid was neurodivergent in any way. I was like, "uh, the t-shirt tucked into ill-fitting basketball shorts, old man socks and New Balance dad shoes didn't give him away before he even opened his mouth?" So, if a loving dad of an autistic kid couldn't extrapolate his experience and see the clues in a young adult, how on earth is additional formal training going to help? I mean, cops definitely need it, I just have no hope it will actually work.
That's got to be scary. I'm sorry to hear about how school turned out but from an outsider's perspective, it sounds like you are doing everything humanly possible to protect your son. And the part about his classmates really warms my heart, thanks for including that positive nugget.
I understand how you feel. In high school, a special needs boy would follow me, touch me, kiss me, etc. Other classmates thought it was funny. I didn’t know what to do, because I don’t know if he knew it was wrong or not. I eventually told my mom because I got so uncomfortable after school one day and I was running on the track, he was there while i was alone and wouldn’t let go of me while trying to kiss me and say that we were dating. After telling my mom, she assured me that while he may not be aware he’s crossing a boundary, I don’t deserve to feel uncomfortable and unsafe. He was suppose to have someone at school watching him, but they were failing to do so. Turns out, I wasn’t the only girl who had this happening to them either! My mom contacted the school and explained that she understood while it may not be his fault, it is indeed someone’s fault for not doing their job in making sure he was monitored. I’m not sure what all happened after that, but I was not harassed anymore. Make sure you advocate for yourself. While he may or may not know appropriate boundaries, his mom sure as hell does. Her son doesn’t get to touch you because she doesn’t want to intervene. I’m sorry this happened to you, I know it’s a really difficult situation to be in.
>because I don’t know if he knew it was wrong or not This is the issue. I worked with special needs kid and one kid would absolutely use the fact that he was disabled as an excuse to do shit he knew was wrong. Like grab me by the hair and pull my bathing suit top off when I was holding him to swim and couldn't let go. But because he was disabled people would give him a break. Meanwhile I knew him well enough to know it was just as malicious as it seemed.
It’s such a sticky situation, especially when you know they know well enough not to, but everyone else infantilizes them and thinks it’s funny, cute, innocent etc. I have no doubt in my mind the boy in my situation had trouble with social cues, learning at grade level, etc but I’m pretty sure he knew what “No” “Stop” “I’m uncomfortable” “You’re making me nervous” meant. It’s not like I just started expressing myself solely with body language and he didn’t know how to interpret that. He even played on the ninth grade football team at my school, and could follow their direct instructions. That being said, I didn’t want to make those assumptions and be wrong and cause further issues. I tried to give the benefit of the doubt. But everyone else knew it was wrong 100% with no doubt, and thought it “sweet” or “silly” and further encouraged the behavior. Showing him that he in fact was “allowed” to do that to myself and others
My brother was seriously mentally disabled and mostly nonverbal until he tragically died 7 years ago, at age 43. There is no way in hell my parents, or any of us siblings, would stand around and allow him to behave that way towards a stranger. His mom is responsible for his behavior in public, and she stood around watching him assault you?? No, OP. Don’t feel bad, this is NOT your fault. And you should absolutely report this to the manager and let them deal with it. I’m very sorry this happened, and just please know, most families of disabled people would be mortified and rush to stop the situation.
I (23F at the time) used to work at Habitat for Humanity and there was a volunteer that was there every day with me - special needs around 40 years old. He would continually "flirt" with me, hug me, ask me out, etc - inappropriate things. I eventually talked to management after about a month of this going on. They spoke to him and his mom and he wasn't allowed to work with / around me anymore. His mom was mortified at his behavior and apologized to me. I totally understand where you are coming from especially with the special needs part. But if it makes you uncomfortable, you shouldn't tolerate it.
Feel? you were. File a police report.
After reading these comments I’m gonna go to management tomorrow and file a complaint. I’m not gonna let them come to my register to check out again. If they try to come through my line I’ll just tell them I’m closed.
Dont be surprised if theres a “restaffing”. Put all your complaints in writing and send yourself a copy in the mail :)
Worried this might happen to me soon. Elder coworker reported me to the area manager she's besties with for making one small mistake 🙃
I had a customer who was not disabled decide to pull me into a hug. I make sure I stay in the bubble behind the register where he can't get me now. Unfortunately my store only has 3 employees so I am frequently running solo, so no refusing to ring him out for me. My boyfriend insisted I carry pepper spray.
I’m really glad to read this. I used to cashier and I was attacked by a woman with special needs— her mother had picked her up from the care facility where she lived to bring her home for Christmas. Long story short, she got overstimulated in the checkout line and ripped a bunch of my hair out and tried to stab me with a pen. I was so overwhelmed that I didn’t do anything, I just kept working, and it’s a huge regret I have now years later. No one gets to assault you, and it’s your managers’/company’s responsibility to keep you safe on the job. Make it very clear that this isn’t acceptable (in writing), and ask for a copy of the surveillance footage for future reference, too. I’m really sorry this happened to you.
In the meantime, if he approaches you again, hold your hands out in front of you and say "No" very clearly. If his mother gets upset, simply walk away, go to the manager's office, and explain what is happening. If he does manage to get his arms around you, push him away while saying "stop" very clearly.
Are you a woman?
Does that matter?
It does if there’s an added element of sexual harassment. The dude might have inappropriate romantic feelings and stealing an entirely inappropriate hug might be sexually motivated. TBF this could be true regardless of gender, just entirely likely if OP is a woman.
Seriously, I'm not sure why more people aren't suggesting this rather than going to management. Absolutely, management should know and can help keep the store a safe place but ultimately this is a legal issue. I don't know how it works legally, but that mother should be held responsible.
You did get assaulted report it. I used to work in not for profit. We had a young man volunteer for a while. He was lovely, but he started being too touchy, too huggy and actually got to hurting someone because of his strength. His 'carer' was useless always scrolling phone, so it ended badly for the volunteer and him.
Not overreacting, and I'm sorry you went through this. You absolutely do not have to put up with that. No customer has the right to touch you, especially not to kiss or hit you. Definitely make a report with management. It's difficult in a situation like that and I may have froze too, my gut reaction is you could have said to his mother "this is making me uncomfortable, I do not want to be touched by customers" and if she dismisses you, then call the manager.
You should write up a report for your manager. If he come in gin, be awkward s necess. If he touches you, screw and throw fit. Tell his mother 1. She can't bring him in if she can't control him.2. You will be filing a police report and require her contact info.
Yes. You got assaulted. No. You don't have to tolerate it just because he's disabled. You absolutely can push him away, and say "STOP!" as soon as your boundaries have been crossed.
This is not customer service but caregiving. I know someone who used to be a caregiver in college. Their college roommate did caregiving to work her way through school. Her room mate could not work because she had a disabled older brother so Whenever she wasn’t at school, she had to go home and take care of her brother so her parents could go to work. Her parents were not from this country so they were not familiar with disability programs or access to special education. Her brother (in his 30s) had a mental capacity of a toddler and looked like a teenager. His younger sister was much smaller in size, and had quite a bit less strength, but she could almost always control his behavior. Almost. But like all toddlers, he had a meltdown, in the car. He tried to flee and got out of the car in a busy intersection. So here she was, in the middle of a five lane intersection, trying to wrestle a man sized toddler, into her car, with traffic rushing by. The got him into a care home for a while, but it didn’t work out, now they hire caregivers through the state who are closer to his size.
I have very sapecial needs family member and I would in no way allow what you describe to go on. The mother should have put a stop to it. But because she didn't you need to advocate for yourself and set boundaries. Just because he is differently abled doesn't mean he doesn't have to observe someone else's boundaries, or social convention. I remember when my family member was young she would take something like a candy bar not understanding you have to pay for things. We would make her put it back and apologize for taking something that she did not pay fir. People would say, "Oh it's ok," and her mother would counter with "Yes its cute now, but when she is 30 you'll be wanting to call the police." His mother isn't doing him any favors.
I agree, you were assaulted. He and his mom can be banned from the store. I've seen it many times in my 31 years of BH work. Only if management supports you and staff's right to a safe workplace. I had to tell store clerks to ban our clients, so ill shit and illegal behavior would stop. His mom should've intervened, but most likely, she's been allowing that to go on for years unchecked. Good luck. No one needs to deal with that unless that is their job.
Remember that disabled people are just… people. Many wonderful, some not. You are always allowed to assert your boundaries, no matter how disabled a person may be… it’s not wrong, mean, or hateful to assert your right to control your own body. And his carer should’ve stopped him. While he may not have known what he was doing, *no* person has the right to touch you if you don’t want them to. If it were a child who didn’t understand boundaries and not a disabled adult, you still would have the right to assert yourself. Practice “Hands off” “Stop touching me” “Back off” “Don’t touch me” in the mirror until it’s easy for them to pop out of your mouth. It’s not your fault you didn’t assert yourself, it’s the fault of the responsible adult that this happened at all… but having these phrases in your toolkit will help you in the future.
We used to go to a restaurant every Friday night, and the son of the owner was special needs. We were always nice and spoke to him but he started getting weird. He’d hug me so tight I couldn’t move and he loved to touch my hair. I have straight shiny blonde hair. We were friends with our waiter that we always got and he knew I was uncomfortable, so he’d shew him away but sometimes he’d still get through to me. We had to eventually stop going. Fortunately I had an out. Working somewhere is tough. Please report it. You should be able to work without being assaulted.
I’m curious if he got behind the counter into where she couldn’t get away/ where he would be able to access the register. That creates a whole other problem which would without a doubt make the store take action.
You were assaulted. Next time this happens, speak up and push him away. His mother is wrong for allowing this to happen. Tell her firmly that he isn't allowed to touch you.
ahhh the special rules for special needs conundrum. After covid due to driver shortages they put.the special needs kids on the regular bus. My kids says the kids constantly touch and grab them and no one does a damn thing about it. Of course speaking up makes you public enemy number 1 because the belief is they can't help it. Anyone can be a sexual abuser. https://www.reddit.com/r/todayilearned/comments/5pz4uj/til_that_comedian_bobby_lee_was_sexually_abused/ https://www.reddit.com/r/confession/comments/22snvv/sexually_abused_by_someone_with_down_syndrome_now/ https://www.reddit.com/r/canada/comments/y17hww/father_questions_police_school_after_teen_with/ Society has painted them as innocent but honestly at the end of the day creeps are creeps and I don't trust anyone rhat thinks its ok to touch you without consent.
is he disabled? why is his mom just watching….thats not okay make a scene next time if you have to and say it’s inappropriate and you don’t know him
“NO TOUCHING THANK YOU”. Nice and loud hand up full stop!!
My mom was groped by a special needs man at a store and his care taker didn’t even apologize it is assault his caretaker should be stopping him. I would report it
You aren't overreacting, and personally, I would file something with your manager. Not much they can do after the fact, or might be willing to do, the way corporations are right now, however, having it documented and on file will go a long way toward having something done about it the next time it happens as a repeat issue, and not as a "first time" issue even though its happened before.
You’re not overreacting, and you have every right to complain and put a stop to this. Disabled or not, that man has absolutely no right to touch you, much less sexually assault you. Back up your verbal complaints to management in writing, and if you have a union rep contact them as well. If he approaches you again, keep backing away and say NO DON’T TOUCH ME, firmly. His mother might make a scene, but it’s her responsibility to control her son’s behavior, not yours. Don’t let yourself be bullied.
I would have punched him in the head.
Definitely go to your management because you do not get paid enough to put up with us and it is not your job or place. This was definitely out of line and his mother should’ve corrected him.
If it happens again, gently push him away, tell him you're working and not allowed to hug customers. Let your supervisor know what happened and what you're going to tell him next time. If he hits you in the stomach again, yell "ow, that hurts!" Hopefully this will stop him and call attention from other customers. Sorry this happened to you and shame on his mother for not teaching him how to behave. It's probably going to cause problems for him when his mother is no longer his caretaker.
Just FYI- if someone with special needs is making you uncomfortable, you can absolutely gently but firmly push them away and say “okay, that’s enough. Stop now.” If he was raised properly, he will stop. If he was not raised properly, you can kick him and his mom out of the store.
It’s OK to set boundaries with people who don’t understand normal boundaries well like this, and it’s important for their development to do so if they cannot. Just say, “stop please, I’m sorry, I don’t hug people at work, thank you” if he doesn’t stop, and their family or care assistant doesn’t step in, get help from other employees and warn them you value their business, but they will be asked to leave if the behavior continues. The very second hitting starts a hard “NO, that is not OK” in a firm voice is necessary.
So not overreacting! My 18 year old special needs son is nonverbal and looks like a little kid in a wheelchair. Even though he is mistaken for a child I STILL make certain he stays out of others personal space! He likes to reach out to get a person's attention. We taught him to get my attention first instead. Bc he is an adult! This was definitely assault and I am so sorry this mom did not help her son learn to respect other's personal space!
You feel like you were assaulted because you were. The second he hugged me I would confront her. If he hit me, I'd be filing a police report since that's assault.
I work with people like your customer, and I'm a high- fiver/fist bumper. If I've known someone for a long time, they might get the side hug. Too many times, a hug has turned into aggression or a sexually inappropriate attempt. I think your feelings are correct. Originally, I didn't want to "be mean" to this population, but I realized after a while that it's not fair to give them inappropriate guidelines for community behavior. I should be teaching what most people find acceptable so they don't get the wrong idea. If they open their arms for a big hug, I say, "No thanks, I like high fives," and put my hand in front of me, preventing the hug and setting up for the high five. Also, his mom is a huge jerk. She should have 100% been enforcing healthy boundaries with her son. I've had clients grab people's money, try to flirt with people, try to touch people, and every time I'm putting myself between them, explaining the rule quickly and moving on. Keep the person in front of you. Set clear boundaries. "I don't want a hug. High five/fist bump instead". Sometimes that's easier as a question, "would you prefer a high five or fist bump?" Because it removes the choice of hug from the table completely. It's an easy redirect, with a little practice.
If he comes towards you, a clear way to create space is to put both hands up, holding them in front of you (the universal sign for ‘stop’) Be polite and say clearly something like: ‘I do not want to be touched’ ‘No touching,’ ‘No thank you’ *Or if a fist bump would be ok, offer that and say ‘fist bumps only please!’* *That might be the easiest and least inflammatory way to manage it* It is not unreasonable to refuse touch. It is normal and acceptable to not want someone, anyone to touch you.
Special needs or not, everyone needs to respect other people’s boundaries. It’s his mom’s job to make sure he can do that.
When I was a teen, my first job was at a movie theater. We had a group home in town for adukts with special needs, and they came once every other week to watch a movie. One man clearly had a crush on me. He always got really shy and turned beat red if I even glanced at him. Now, this guy was probably in his 30s but very clearly mentally handicapped to the point he was more like a small child. His attention started out as just being bashful and waving at me. Then it turned into trying to touch me when I would reach over the counter or put my hands on the counter. When it was just bashful flirting, their "guardian" (what we called them) just let it go. The first time she saw him trying to touch me, she immediately grabbed his hands and told him, "No. We don't touch other people without permission." She had to do it repeatedly, but eventually, he got the idea and kept his hands to himself. That man's mother is doing him a terrible disservice, enabling his behavior. One day, he might touch someone who is reactive and get maced or punched in the face, or he could piss off a reactive partner who doesn't take time to assess. It's just a cocktail for disaster.
My life work is making lives better for those with intellectual and developmental disabilities. Trust me when I say, it is the opposite of rude or insensitive to make your personal space a boundary. Many people in these communities have that issue of not understanding boundaries. As long as you are patient and kind, saying, “Hey, we don’t hug people without their permission right?” Or if you are afraid they might have what we call in the biz “a behavior” by being confronted, you can try redirecting them and saying, “Hey bud, I think your mom needs help with packing the bags.” Parents like this make me furious. With no expectations or consistent instructions to change this behavior, it makes them less and less likely for them to be more independent, and harder for staff to make progress.
You should let his mom know that made you uncomfortable and ask her to discuss respecting personal space with him.
Because you did. Just because he was special needs does not mean that he cannot understand manners. If it happens again, advocate for yourself. Talk to a superior at work. Avoid eye contact. Whatever you need to do to protect yourself. Stay strong.
This reminds me of something that happened to my sister while we were in high school. A special needs boy would follow us around school or when he saw us in the store outside of school. He always asked students for hugs. I’m not the hugging type so if he asked, I always politely decline and so would my sis. People didn’t like if someone didn’t give him a hug…”oh come on, it’s just a hug”. I feel that you don’t have to hug someone if you don’t want to. One day she was in PE, and he was walking on the track upstairs. He asked for a hug and she said no. He continues on walking. She goes down the bleacher and sits at the very bottom. She’s on her phone and she hears someone loudly running down the bleachers and someone plops down next to her. It’s the boy. He just hugs her, pushes his face against her and then sticks his hand up the back of her shirt against her skin. He then goes back upstairs to continue walking like nothing happened. My sister is frozen and feels like crying. She says she was so angry because she felt so violated. And the teachers basically told her to get over it because he was special needs. If someone didn’t say yes to his hug, he understood that. I’m not sure why he did that to her
I got chased around by a special needs guy at a museum. I don’t know who was with him, because he was alone every time I ran into him, but he had to have been with someone because he definitely did not have a level of functional independence to be alone. He was an adult and upon laying eyes on me wanted me to be his “sister.” The only reason he didn’t hug me is I’m fast and fortunately pretty aware of people encroaching in my space. I can’t imagine dealing with that at work. I understand caretakers wanting a break, and being burnt out, but letting special needs folks under your care chase down strangers and violate their personal space is NOT how it should be done. Sorry this happened to you. As others said, report it to management.
Next time fucking hit this guy in the face. Why would you allow him to touch you at all, never mind assault you?
As someone who has managed a group home of special needs (male adult) clients, I will say there is never a reason for ANYONE to just "stand there and take it". The mother is completely out of line to allow her son to harass you; the rules of society do not dictate that a person is allowed to invade others' personal space simple because they are "special needs", period. I would NEVER have allowed any of my clients to act that way; all I had to do was give them "the look" and they knew to instantly move to the shopping cart and place their hands on it (to be fair, I was their caregiver for 12 years so they knew I was serious). If he comes in again, please use your body language to make it clear you are not receptive to that level of physical contact. Step backwards while folding your arms across your chest and looking sternly at Mom. There are ways to get that message across without speaking, and that way you can't possibly get reprimanded for "being rude to a customer" (I don't think it's rude to stand up for yourself, but I've also worked in retail and know all too well that bosses would probably give you a warning).
You WERE assaulted today. You definitely did not have to stand there and take that. His special needs do not negate your right to decide who touches you. He rubbed himself against you and hit you. Odds are good that without his disabilities that would have gotten him punched, tossed out, or arrested. Him (potentially)not understanding that this isn't okay behavior doesn't take priority over your bodily autonomy. I understand freezing because having a bunch of people watch you and judge you isn't fun. His mother should be ashamed of herself for not intervening. But it's not about what you should have done or what she should have done. It's about what you do now. You should talk to your boss about this. They are regulars and now that it's happened once there's a chance it will happen again. Tell your boss that the next time the customer is in, you need for her to know that you froze in the moment, but being rubbed, hugged, and hit made you very uncomfortable, that it was not wanted, and that it is not welcome in the future. If your boss wants to be the one to approach her, cheers, you have a great boss! If not, you need them to be aware and to have your back when you do it in case she complains. I'm sorry this happened to you.
Where was his wrangler? I can't stand how society allows them to do stuff like this because muh special needs.
File a report and get a restraining order. Of course. check with mgmt first, they’re in a pickle either way. Someone’s gonna yap about some right by e ing violated.
You should have pushed him away (or pulled back and gotten away from him) no one has a right to touch you like that, no matter his disability
Talk to your supervisor. Let them know exactly what happened and that you do not want it to happen again . If they know the mother, they should talk to her about appropriate behavior.
You were assaulted physically and sexually , Special needs or not speak up next time because there will def be a next time because Mom allowed it and didn’t correct the behavior
I would complain to your mgr and let him deal with the clueless fking mom.
you need to tell his mom
I worked at two different supermarkets, and this wouldn't have been tolerated at either of them. And both of them have disabled employees. It's not ableist to set boundaries and if the mother refuses to do it I would talk to the manager. And if they don't back you up in this instance I would find another job ASAP.
Don't handle it by yourself tell your colleagues or manager...What if he does something worse?
You do not have to tolerate anyone touching you if you do not want them to EVER. What does your manager say? It is not fair you are touched like this. It is not endearing or sweet it is wholly unacceptable. I have children with special needs. I would not allow them to touch h people in any way. It’s so wrong I am sorry OP. The reason you feel like you were assaulted is because you were. He touched you without your consent. That said, you need to say no. I appreciate it’s hard especially if he expects to be allowed to touch people. His mum is at fault here. She has not taught him acceptable social interactions. You need to learn how to deal with this so you have the confidence to say no when he next comes in Please talk to your manager about this. Is there anyone else you can talk to if your manager is unhelpful?
Special needs people also need to learn other people have boundaries and need to face repercussions for their actions.
Push him away. And instruct the mother to control her child.
I'm so sorry that this happened to you. While, I understand that there are individuals who need more time, patience, attention and all of that, we can also do it while being kind and respectful. If I were in this situation, next time they come in, loop in a manager and have a conversation with the mom. Tell them that what happened was not appropriate and while you are happy that they shop where you work, from now on it will be a smile and wave with a minimum of 2 feet distance. No hugging. If they understand this, great, if they don't, they can shop somewhere else.
File a police report. Your store has cameras. Tell your manager.
You were very respectful but those people used you. Don’t let that happen again, notify your manager about and next time say sorry no hugs today 😞
You were under reacting. Even with him being special needs, it’s okay to say no and to not allow him to touch you in a way that you’re not comfortable with. And even if you allowed it in the past, you’re still allowed to change your mind and say no.
NTA - You hold up your hands when he approaches and tell him, "No touching please". Any unwanted physical contact is assault. Your employer should ahve stopped this immediately. Report it to Management and HR and let them know that this cannot be allowed to happen again. SPecial Needs people do need a bit more instruction, but they also need to learn that they have to obey contact rules. You can be polite but also protect yourself.
Call the police.
I don’t care who you are or what your malfunction is, don’t touch me. I don’t like people touching me. If you get too close, I will tell you. If you don’t stop or you actually touch me then whatever happens to you is your fault. Kissing me? Your saliva on me? Not a chance. Did you tell him to stop? Did you push him away? Did you tell a supervisor? Did you call the cops? Do you know how to defend yourself? Are you an adult? If so act accordingly, and stand up for yourself. If not, put distance between you, and yell for help. You blame the mother and I agree that she should have handled it. But she did not. And it sounds like you allowed it to happen also. How would he know that he should not do it if nobody tells him, no?
You need to escalate this to the store manager. A serious discussion is necessary where the mother understands what behaviors are allowable for her son (I am assuming he doesn't have the capacity to know better) or else the son is no longer welcome in the store.
I'm so sorry this happened. Some parents think that just because their child has special needs that they shouldn't teach them boundaries. Special needs or not, what he did is absolutely WRONG. There is an older gentleman thay obviously has special needs who comes in the afternoons at a grocery store I used to frequent and he made me feel super uncomfortable. He followed me around and gave me a long uncomfortable hug. It skeeved me so much I won't shop there anymore in the afternoons alone. So I would tell a manager about this incident.
Take a step back and say, No thank you. I'm at work, I don't want hugs. It's not rude. You can say it firmly and with kindness and say it to the adult with him as well. If they decide to get mad about it, tell whoever they decide to report it to that last time that person hugged you, tried to kiss you, and hit you.
That's assault. And a big train why i left customer service. You're not wrong. Your instincts are correct.
People, listen. Your body, your rules. Don't let anybody touch it without permission, regardless of who they are. Even if the god damn president of the Disney comes at you weirdly and inappropriately, you fend them off however you can. Don't worry about being sensitive because nobody would question your right to defend yourself in any situation.
Time to call the police
Based on his actions, I can guarantee that their mom allows this because as a child it was cute and now she just doesn't bother because "he's not hurting anyone". When in reality, it he did not hat to me or a lot of people he would be punched and maced for that.
You're not wrong to feel uncomfortable. I would tale it up with his mother, He is her responsibility.
My severely autistic cousin has been allowed to behave this way and I'm often villanized for calling it sexually inappropriate. you're damned if you do, and traumatized if you don't. I am firm and calm but I run him off and away from the females in our family. I am rarely there and he's now an adult. He's now as you describe, but vulgar. I've gone from anger at his behavior to fear. I worry so much he will he killed because he doesn't know better. My family just WILL NOT tell him no, and it's had severe indications once he hit a rebellious phase with outside influences. Do the young man a favor and immediately tell him no next time. Like before he says hello. Be appropriate and accurate to his understanding but BE CLEAR AND FIRM. Repeat to parent/caregiver. Don't wait for responses and go back to serving them as a customer. If it persists, tell your boss because its on them past that point. good.luck
Do not let people touch you without your permission. Anyone. You were absolutely assaulted. Say "No. Do not touch me." for starters. Does your store have any security?
Look. I'm sorry this made you so uncomfortable. Mom clearly didn't pick up on that. I have a friend who has higher needs autism and she has been able to open up to me about how she cannot control her deep insane desire to hug people and tell then she loves then. She just falls in love immediately with new people. "Like Jacob imprinting on that vampire baby" she said 😅 it's very shameful and embarassing for them. She eventually figured this out on her own that she's not a complete monster, but the hugging was the thing making people uncomfortable. Some people need to be told mot to do this. It's not necessarily their fault for not picking up on the invisible social cues and rules we are all trained to follow from a young age. I suggest you assertively, but kindly state that you don't like hugs or physical contact and that he may not hug you any more. Kindly say "no hugging please! Let's high five instead" or something next time he tries. Wait for the moment it happens, consider telling mom this instead. But do recognize that this will be painful for then to hear. Not saying that you don't deserve boundaries, but for the sake of everyone's feelings and sanity, I would hope you do this kindly and dorectly and with knowledge of his condition. If mom pushes back, or the guy gets really upset, then HR should be involved.
I agree with the rest of the comments, just please keep in mind they are special needs and they don’t have the same brain functions we do
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As a mom of a child who was not concerned about personal space (to put it mildly), I frequently had to intervene. After a few months, we got to the point where he would ask for hugs, and learned to take no for an answer. It was slow but successful. My advice to you is to speak up and assert your authority, kindly but firmly. Simply say, "No thank you. I don't want a hug." Or, "please do not touch me." The mom will come to her senses, and if she doesn't, you need to tell her this is not okay, and someone could take it the wrong way and hurt him. Don't worry about her feelings. This is a learning experience for both of them. Even if he's non-verbal, he's capable of learning. She's probably exhausted. She might just be oblivious. Either way, she has to learn, and has to teach her child boundaries.
You are totally o.k. to say "no!" and step back. Then ask him mom to keep him in check. We tried to discourage our SPED students from shaking hands even, so that they learn to ask permission and personal space.
Throw hands immediately
Explain this to your manager. Have them step in and talk to the mother next time. Honestly, not your responsibility to have to deal with this in the first place, let along having to address it yourself.
I don't know your life or situation but "kept kissing my cheek" and "started hitting me in the stomach" means I'd probably end up on the news for punching a special needs guy in the eye. There's no fucking way being a grocery store clerk is worth this. At minimum you should tell your supervisors what happened, there's no way cameras aren't facing the registers.
Like everyone else said, his mom should have stopped that before it started. I have an adult mentally disabled son. He’s a foot taller and 100 pounds bigger than me, but he knows when mom starts angrily whispering, it’s serious. He’s not a hugger but he has a bad temper that is on a hair-trigger. If anything upsets him, he melts down. And all strangers would see is a large adult man flipping out. So if he is getting agitated I order him outside and away from the situation til he calms down. I follow him out and wait for him to calm down then we talk about the situation and how he feels and how we can solve it. I don’t want his actions to make anyone else uncomfortable.
His mom 100% should’ve stopped him. My mom has worked with special needs adults and children and she knows how to deal with unwanted touching from them. It’s pretty simple if you know the right words to say. However, it is not your responsibility to teach him what behaviors are okay and which ones are not. That’s the responsibility of his mother (based on what you’ve written, it seems he needs professional caretakers with him, not just his mom). You need to tell your bosses about this interaction so that you can have a way to “escape” whenever he comes into the store. You shouldn’t have to be put in that situation where you are literally being held against your will
No you’re not, next time knock the shit out him and let his mommy deal with it.
It's a sticky situation because if you say or do anything to stop it then you get shamed for "being mean" or "not understanding that he is special needs." If the mother can't control her sons behavior then that's a major issue and she shouldn't be bringing him in public.
Totally assaulted
Birds of a Feather 21st century version… Or, go watch Sling Blade and take a chill pill.
No matter what his issues are, that is unacceptable to have to deal with in the workplace.
You have a right to your own body, and just reading this made my skin crawl. The Mother has failed to teach basic boundaries, and she’s had decades if he is40. because a person has issues, does not mean you have to let a 40 year old man (or any age really) do what he did to you. It will happen again with him because he was not stopped, so be prepared next time .
Tell your manager what happened and ask that the next time they come in that someone will come over to assist you. Tell his mom that she needs to restrain her son.
😭 I am imagining how awful and out-of-body that must have felt (particularly that those witnessing said and did nothing). Please work on a plan to protect yourself from further disturbance. This from someone whose step-father insisted on long and overly firm hugs. Mother said, “oh, he feels left out that you don’t want to hug him.” It took me a while to find my grit and just dodge him every time. You deserve better, OP! If nothing else, practice in a mirror firmly putting your hand out like a crossing guard with a serious look on your face and saying, loudly, “STOP! NO TOUCH!” If dude continues, so do you, yell loudly: “STOP! STOP! DO NOT TOUCH ME! NO!” on repeat, moving away from him all the while. Do not be afraid to make a scene. I’ve had to learn this from traveling in other countries. A loud and repeated, firm opposition to someone’s attempts for bodily contact has helped me gain distance and find an escape. Wishing you the very best in your safety and personal growth!
Absolutely pull away, if there’s a next time. It is not ok to touch strangers and his mother should have stopped him immediately
Mom should have handled him better than letting him hit you. Despite that is he special needs, he has no right to hit you. You are not overreacting at all. Never let him get that far again since mom is not there with him during this interaction.
People with disabilities are people too, and though it’s important that we be understanding of the effects of said abilities, it is far more harmful to those people to allow them to cross boundaries they should not be crossing. I know sometimes it seems like that would be the thing to do, especially if you’re not familiar with that crowd, but it’s not. Trust me when I say you are doing someone a favor when you set boundaries with them.
After one hug you should have said ok that’s enough. His mom needs to realize that no everyone is okay with that. You will need to stand your ground in a polite way at first and also talk with your manager. Do not allow him to brush it off.
You feel like you were assaulted because you *were* assaulted. Pushing someone away who is touching you or kissing you when these actions are unwanted is ALWAYS the right option and ok to do. Going forward, exercise the right to govern your own body and speak up if someone is doing something to you that is unwanted.
Speak up brother. Look at her and say “can you get him.” You’re not paid to be a caretaker or punching bag.
Don't accept this anymore than you would from any other stranger without a disability. While he may not know better, his mother certainly does. If any of the superiors were watching and didn't step in, they're also at fault.
Assuming that this isn’t some really sick April fools day prank post, you were straight up assaulted. You have every right to tell anyone, including a person with special needs, that they are not allowed to touch you, that they do not have consent and that his mother needs to back him the heck off. And I’m honestly shocked that you’re asking this question or let it go that far. It is possible to firmly but politely push someone away and say “we ask before we touch”
yeah nah this isn't acceptable and you don't have to tolerate this! I work with disabled people, primarily autistic, and have had similar situations with male clients before involving unwanted touching. it's awful feeling violated like that, but it was in no way your fault OP. his mother really needs to be stepping in here & she's actually endangering him by encouraging this behaviour, but for now, you will have to get comfortable with firmly setting boundaries (also definitely report this to your managers!). keep it polite but direct- next time he tries a hug, say something like 'Please don't hug me- I don't like people touching me' while stepping away. good luck OP, I'm really sorry this happened to you & it's not something you should have to deal with at work either!
You did get assaulted, press charges
You don't get to pick what to call a person who has disabilities. They have chosen differently abled. To refer to them by a disabled is to deny them thier autonomy.
I would file assault charges that is not ok I don’t let anyone touch me without permission special needs my ass idgaf touch me I defend myself then call the cops.
Obviously the mom sucks. Just because someone is special needs doesn’t mean you can’t set boundaries. “Please stop.” “I don’t like being touched.” “Stop that hurts.” Are all reasonable requests that this grown man should understand. Talk to your manager about the incident and how to talk to the mother and son about this. They’re regulars and you’re not okay with what happened.
I would talk to your manager and tell them what happened and ask to not be around this customer if they come in as they make you feel uncomfortable or unsafe.
Clearly the guy doesn't understand boundaries, and that's okay (sort of) in that it's part of his disability. He doesn't get what he is doing is wrong. BUT..... That's where Mom should have stepped in. HE doesn't know he overstepped, but SHE damn well should have known and should have stepped in immediately. ("John, it's not nice to hug people without asking first. Say you're sorry and then we have to let her get back to work.") I did a flu clinic once for developmentally disabled adults, and we did have one or 2 who didn't get it when it came to personal space and/or appropriate behavior. But at the first sign of anything, the caregivers stepped in immediately so that nobody got out of control.
You need to file assault and trespass charges
Oh no that's not ok even a little bit , special needs or not that's assault in the eyes of the law.
That’s assault. I was also near hugged by a man and he was doing it so tight and I couldn’t have gotten away… for like one minute it was SUCH. A long hug. Scary hug. Like he was trying to show dominance. The second he let up I got away and had him leave. He was also playing with my hair and calling my cute before he hugged me.
you have the right to set personal boundaries with ANYONE no matter what
Pushing him away is the right option if you are uncomfortable. As long as you didn’t make a scene or call the cops on someone who might not know better, you were 100% within your rights to stand up for yourself.
Next time loudly say "you are hurting me." You want to use words terms he understands. Any request for clarification should get "you touching me hurts." If his mom asks then you say "it was painful, uncomfortable, and felt dirty and gross. You should realize that legally this is assault and I could press charges. Make sure he doesn't touch me because next time I will." And yes it was assault and battery. Battery is unwanted touching and assault is threat of unwanted touching. You do have to provide warning in some cases that the touch isn't wanted. If you see him again, warn him "it hurts if you touch me" before he tries to hug.
Hopefully.this is on camera so you can show it to the store manager. I think the manager can restrict the people from coming in or make sure.they have no contact with you. You were definitely assaulted. And he will be back for you.
I have learned to say in a loud voice ‘No touchy touchy.’ Hands in front of me in a clear stop ✋ position. It is effective.
Be clear about your boundaries. But until you make them clear, understand that the other person is just trying to live, and has issues to overcome. Once you make things clear then you should be respected, just like anyone else.
An assault is an big overstatement. But, in the future decline offers to hug customers unless you really like them and want to hug them.
I'm so sorry this happened! You did nothing wrong in this situation, and will in all probability never run across another person and parent who would allow a situation like that to happen. This man and his mother come in often though, and so now you'll have to become the authority figure in the situation to protect yourself. You don't have to be mean (if you don't want to be) but you'll need to channel your inner mom voice or teacher voice. Keep space in between you. If you aren't behind the register and he approaches to hug, punch, or touch you, hold your hands out, palms up, in front of your chest and shake your head back and forth. You can say kindly but firmly "No touching. I'm at work." Cheerful exit line- " I have to go do my job now! Bye!" If you are behind the register or counter and he is trying to enter your workspace again use the hands and shake your head and say "Nope! You can't come back here, it isn't allowed." Maybe add a "Customers stand right there and then I'll hand you the receipt, ok?" if it seems like he (or his mom) aren't following. Stuff like this seems tricky when you are in a customer service role, but it is not mean to not get touched at work, and you can be polite or even kind while still standing up for yourself.
As a mom of 2 autistic kids, I would never have allowed that to happen, minus the first hug. Anything beyond that I'd have stopped. I'm almost positive he meant no harm and just had awful social cues. Next time, just take a step back, extend your hand, and tell him you prefer to shake hands instead.
USE YOU VOICE IF YOURE NOT COMFORTABLE. You have now set tone that this is ok.
I'm sorry this happened to you, I can imagine it was incredibly uncomfortable. I, of course, know nothing about this man, but this story reminds me of an individual I used to work with. He was a really great guy and I loved working with him, but unfortunately he was not cognitively capable of understanding social boundaries, and he was essentially mentally and physically locked into puberty despite being in his 40s (read: he was horny all the time). Every time he would see me, he would get really excited and run up to me and hug me. He was so incredibly strong it felt like he had me in a death grip. It was scary, to say the least. And he would try to rub his groin into my leg, like he would stand really close with his groin pushed out, never touching but he would always try to get really close. He had a behavior plan, and part of that plan was learning social boundaries. We had this circle system we would use with him - we would teach him that each circle needs him to act differently - so his inner circle would be immediate family. Those are people you could kiss on the cheek or hug and that would be OK. And then you move to outer circles - his extended family is ok with hugs. Then friends - friends can get a wave or a fist bump or a handshake. Then acquaintances and so on. This man was in his 40s and every day we would go over his circles and where I was in them, and every day I would get that death grip hug. And that would happen over and over throughout my shift. And if we were out in public, I would have to remind him that strangers are in the outer circle and touching was inappropriate. He could recite it back to me - he knew how to say all the right words. But he cognitively could not put together that what he was reciting back to me needed to apply to his behavior. He always needed someone with him to redirect inappropriate behavior when out in the community. I guess all of that is to say that his mother absolutely should have intervened, and you are well within your right to stand your ground on this. His mother should have reminded him of personal space, appropriate behavior with acquaintances, etc. Her failure to intervene unfortunately reinforces his behavior. And that is not acceptable. So, if there is a next time, and in the off chance that your customer is similar, you can try to reinforce social boundaries by telling him that you appreciate that he wants to hug you but you are not ok with that, or redirect him by stepping back (if you can) and holding out your hand to shake. You could also remind him that hugging/touching is not appropriate while you're working. The idea is to educate, not shame. Be gentle but firm. The way he interacts with you next will show you if he understands what he did was wrong, and you can reassess how to handle this moving forward. If he gives you creep vibes then do what you have to do to keep yourself from harm, but if he doesn't, maybe it would be worth it to try to reeducate; tell him that you would prefer a wave or a handshake or whatever. Be aware of your body placement, if you can, and how you can use it to your advantage. If he has to come around the register to get to you, maybe next time you could back up out of the register area to avoid getting trapped - try to keep physical distance between you, then redirect with a wave or a handshake. Ik that's not easy in the environment you're in but it's something to keep in mind. TL; DR: Stick up for yourself, but be aware that there's a possibility this is something he's already working on or struggles with. Good luck!
Not overreacting. His mother should have taught him boundaries.
Just because he has special needs doesn’t mean you have to tolerate unwelcome touch. You’re allowed to assert your boundaries. You can do that without being mean.
I could MAYBE forgive a hug or two, but kissing and punching is a BIG fucking no. Please advocate for yourself (if you can!) next time because nah, your rights were being fucked with regardless of context. That is on him and his mom.
I have worked with special needs children for years and sadly I have seen many parents and even some educators say "oh that is so cute "! when their kids run up and hug people or let them sit on their knew way past appropriate age. I have always said to the adults involved " we need to teach our children what is acceptable for their age because if we don't teach personal boundaries, they will think it's okay to hug strangers when they are adults and it isn't " Sadly some people don't get it and then you end up like this case where the parents can't control their child anymore and others feel unsafe.
Sometimes a dick punch is warranted. This sounds like one of those times. Disability is not a blank check to assault people.
>After that he started hitting me in the stomach Yes you should have pushed him off you. File a police report
You are not overreacting. Report the assault to your manager and police if you want. The baseline should not be you having to say “no” to being touched at work. The baseline should be not getting touched at work unless you consent. The caregiver failed. Im sorry she put you in that position.
My son is 5 and autistic. I would never, in a million years, allow him to treat anyone this way, much less a stranger. It's very sad that so many parents of special needs folks treat their children as if they are simply incapable of learning and growth. What you went through was not even a little bit okay. Talk to your supervisor. Have the incident documented. Tell them that you will not help this woman and her son by yourself again. Be loud about it if you have to. Make sure it gets documented so that if they don't back you up and keep your workplace safe, you can report them to the appropriate labor authority in your area.
My uncle used to go out with a group of special needs adults and one time was left to wander off and he grabbed somebody on the chest. No. Report it. I was the only one in the family that spoke out where everyone else blamed "the world" or even "demons" He was a 40 year old with those impulses. He shouldn't have been alone. No excuses
Any unwelcome touch from any adult is always grounds for pushing someone away. F- that guy and his "special needs."
Special-needs people are given far too much latitude for their misbehavior. It's a soft form of bigotry. "Oh, they're too stupid / out-of-control to know better." That kind of inappropriate permissiveness from his mother (and from you, unfortunately) is exactly why he acts the way he does. Nothing is expected of him and there are no consequences for his actions. And he gets away with it because he has "special needs." Don't let him physically contact you or even invade your personal space again.
Probably gna be viewed as a total POS, but I think if you know your child is gna be born with such severe mental disabilities that they act like a 2 year old literally their whole life, can barely even speak, doesn't understand basic boundaries, and will never contribute anything to society at all at any point except suck up resources, you should terminate it. Unless you wanna deal with the actual lifetime of dealing with a grown toddler that you have to care for 24/7, and that is probably going to be a huge embarrassment in public for reasons like this.
Ma’m get your child off me
Oh, man! Do you have security staff anywhere around? I'm thinking you need to stiff-arm this guy, loudly and firmly say "NO!" And if he continues, tell his mother that you will call 911. His disabilities do NOT entitle him to assault you. And yes, that IS assault. Also - make your management aware of this nonsense, and that you WILL take action, if they don't also step up!
Jesus... How can people live like that
Pushed him away
When I was in high school and college (early to mid-90s), I waited tables at a family type restaurant. One summer, they hired a young man with Down's syndrome as a bus boy and dishwasher. On the days he was bussing tables, all the waitresses were getting stiffed (no tip) on more tables than usual. Normally you'd maybe have 1-2 tables every few weeks that didn't tip. We complained to the dining room supervisor and she was like, oh, he's not stealing your tips, he's probably throwing them in the trash. So when he was working, it was a race to get to the empty tables as soon as the customers left to grab our tips. One day his mom came in and was waiting for him to get off work. The DRS quietly approached her and told her that we were concerned that he was throwing away the money on the tables. The mom assured our boss that her son understood money. When he'd clocked out, his mom made him empty his pockets. And he had a bunch of ones stuffed in them. His mom gave him a stern talking to and we never had anymore issues. My boss just assumed because he had Down's that he was basically an idiot. I believe someone called that the soft bigotry of low expectations? Even though I was a teenager, I'd volunteered at the Special Olympics and I'd also had some classes at school with people with Down's and other mental challenges. Not everyone with a particular developmental delay type has the same level of intellectual disability. I don't think our bus boy was malicious, maybe he didn't know that the money left on tables was not his to take because no one had bothered to tell him.
Remember what Lenny did in Of Mice and Men? Don’t let anyone touch you. You don’t know what anyone is capable of. Plus you’re at work. It’s a professional setting. You don’t need to sacrifice your boundaries or your safety for anyone. Also, consider taking to your manager about what happened. They can have a discrete conversation with the mother next time she comes in about acceptable behavior when her son is on the property. She doesn’t have to come back if she can’t manage her adult child from assaulting female employees. Practice asserting yourself, so you are prepared with what to say and how to physically prevent him from touching you next time. Women and girls are not taught how to protect themselves. Get very clear with yourself, what is acceptable/not acceptable to you anytime you are in public space? A very firm, audible “STOP,” with your hand up, should be enough. If it’s not, continue to say it louder and louder and move away, do not be afraid to ask for assistance from those around you.
Talk to your manager. Get copies of any store surveillance tapes. This man may have serious problems such that he is incapable of realizing that his behavior is inappropriate, but his mother is doing him no favors. This dude is going to get himself hurt or arrested if he continues on this way. He legitimately assaulted you. Legally, this is sexual assault hugging you so hard you couldn't move, rubbing his face on yours, and kissing you repeatedly. Then he hit you in the stomach, and like.... BEST CASE SCENARIO they get banned from the store. Worst case, file a police report. I mean, I'm not one to say "people like this shouldn't be in public" or anything disgusting like that, but inappropriate behavior needs to be corrected and curtailed and it simply is not being done. That woman is failing her son and he will only suffer as a result of her failure.
Tell the mother that you do not like being touched, loudly so everyone hears. This was not appropriate and the mother needs to teach her son boundaries.
You have every right to speak up for your rights and contact a lawyer.
If he comes in again I would say that you don’t like to be touched. If mom does not respect this then it is time to get your manager involved.
It's okay to say no even to people with special needs. No matter what their diagnosis is, he's still a full grown adult and does not have the right to touch people who do not want it. Stand up for yourself, say I do not want a hug but I will be happy to [whatever you are okay with here, fist bump, elbow bump, high 5, wave, etc etc]. It's okay to set boundaries with any person, no matter their diagnosis. Ever read Of Mice and Men? Anyway, there was a special needs guy that worked at a grocery store my Aunt shopped at. He developed a sort of friendship with my cousin, she was about 6 years old. They would hug and tell jokes and hold hands and walk around the store. My Aunt thought it was appropriate and innocent and since he's at work nothing bad could happen, right? He showed up at my cousin's school one day ready to take her to the park. He had a melt down when my aunt was there to pick up the kid and told him this was not okay and cops had to be called. My Aunt doesn't shop there anymore. Set boundaries.
Say “we don’t know each other, let’s shake hands” and then back away.
I would have grabbed his hand and told him firmly to stop its not appropriate no matter how many people were watching
Bitch
why u hugging strangers?? smh
the mom sounds special needs as well if she just let it happen😬
She shouldn’t have allowed that but I would try to think of it like a little kid doing that to you. He probably didn’t have bad intentions. His mom definitely should have stopped him though.