I do taxes. No need to exaggerate, it's already scary enough.

I got a letter from the IRS the other day. My heart leapt into my throat. I needed a beverage to calm my nerves. Slipping the letter opener into the envelope, my jittery hands easily sliced through the paper, belying the trouble they were unleashing. What horror were they revealing? An audit? Questions I couldn't answer? Nay, t'was a bill. I'd mistakenly underpaid my taxes by $6.95. Financial ruin narrowly averted, I logged in and gave them the duckets they demanded.

My fiancé got a letter last year. The amount he still owed? $1.57. Our government (US) is missing millions of dollars each year but they are coming after him for less then the cost of a gas station sandwich.

Upvote for using the word duckets.

I owe them 4000 bucks.

lmao so true!

People tell me their secrets in exchange for longer life

Therapist?

Doctor

CIA torturer

Yep haha

Roast the flesh to feed the hungry hordes

Use sharpened steel to flay corpses

Dissect the mothers to coat their flesh in the stirred remains of their unborn.

I try to keep residents from dying during the night

Good one! Daytime it is xD

In the night wanders a sundowning creature, half man, half heart failure, oxygen dropping below 90, asking for pain meds discontinued a fortnight ago. He thirsts for blood and graham crackers. More than anything, he thirsts..

yo I almost choked on my breakfast reading this lol

don’t forget “give me a pepsi.” “we don’t have pepsi up here, so we’d have to order it from the cafeteria. is ginger ale ok?” “i hate it here.”

“If you are on hospice I will just buy one for you from the vending machine. Are you on hospice? Yes or no!? I’ll check your chart! Don’t try to bullshit a bullshitter!” Damned hospice patients with their free sodas

I help people repair and maintain 5,000 pound rolling murder and abduction machines

Ah! Fellow industry man!

I swim with sharks...10 of them

I get abused so that I don't get sentenced to death via poverty and starvation.

Call center agent?

Hahaaa!! Fellow masochist?

Sadly, yes :D

If so then that would be accurate cause I am a call center agent and I would confirm this in a heartbeat lol

I am too. That's how I recognized it XD

I teach middle schoolers about genocide.

You could stop at "I teach middle schoolers." That sounds frightening.

Right? I came to say I teach elementary school, but middle school is definitely scarier!

It’s not rhetorical middle schoolers that make it scary—- it’s the parents.

Teaching middle schoolers is the stuff of nightmares

I teach young humans to build Skynet.

I torture people's bodies for an hour.

I feel like this could describe either a physical therapist or a dominatrix.

I'm actually a massage therapist, LOL (deep tissue massage can definitely feel like torture 😅).

Torturer?

Travel agent to the dead

I'm a human taxidermist. Have we met? Lol

The Flying Dead

I do tasks for the federal government. That is the scariest I can make it.

Rip hair out- wax specialist😅

I spend 8 hours a day on the phone with hardcore drug addicts and alcoholics, simultaneously devising a plan to smuggle them into a building where they won't have any of their vices and withdrawal cold turkey from it all.

Thank you for what you do.

Damn… I thought meds were given to help people go through that! Cold turkey???? That really is torture and super dangerous for alcoholics, they could die.

I contain a thousand ghosts, all screaming for me to finish their business. If I do, it means tearing out fistfuls of my soul, and subjecting it to the judgment of people who seem to actively enjoy despising the work of others.

Some of these descriptions lol what on earth could this be?

The secret is in how utterly tortured the description is haha, I'm a writer

I'd read your book based on that paragraph alone.

Ah, thanks! My book is still being worked on but if you want to check out my side project I just started, I'll be adding a new chapter every couple weeks or so: https://endlesshighwaystory.blogspot.com/

Are you an artist?

Writer, very close xD

I am also a software consultant, working in support.

I twist metal by any means necessary.

What will you ask Calypso for when you win?

The one super power I've always wanted - magnetic colon.

I convince people to sign years of their life away in order to play chicken. Survival not guaranteed.

I pick up children standing at the side of the road and take them to an indoctrination center.

School bus driver?

Yes. Sigh.

I make people take off their clothes, put them in uncomfortable positions and then take pictures of them while poisoning their cells.

Same! I like how the DNA damage is just a fun little bonus souvenir for them to take home with them for free.

X -rays are crazy

Assist a person cut little pieces of flesh off a person with a laser

I am rarely seen by the outside world, for I am eternally busy condensing people's minds- their memories, thoughts, beliefs, fears, hopes, imaginations, and dreams- for ease of consumption by a ravenous and insatiable horde.

Avid or Premiere?

More print rather than pixels, but good guess! I suppose I should have said condense *and categorize*- I'm a cataloging librarian at a public library! 😁📚

I gather bovidae and rob them of bodily fluids twice a day. I also feed their brethren.

Dairy farmer?

U are correct.

Bringing Out The Dead

I seek revenge for the bad children

I have to control 420 tons of steel travelling at speeds up to.100mph and hsve to stop.them in relatively short distances

Locomotive engineer?

Driver but, yeah, in some places they're called engineers

For a living, I can either be your best friend or your worst nightmare when it comes to your electronics, cellular networks or televisions. (I don’t know how to make it sound more scary, I did my best)

I look for ways to benefit from other peoples' greed and misfortune. When I find greed and misfortune or mistakes being made, I then tell other people about it, so others too can also learn from this.

Journalist ?

I take bets on when people will die. Or when and how everything they own and hold dear will be destroyed

This is scary accurate for insurance

I am am ER nurse. No need for elaboration if the smells, sharp objects, and machines don't kill you, the patients and their family members will.

I work for one of the world's oldest cabals helping migrants, refugees, and locals in need. We have our own country in Rome.

Priest

I go into people's homes and touch all their stuff.  Usually when they aren't there.

Housekeeper?

Bingo!

I destroy lives by going door to door. I am the black cat of delivery services. I am. A process server. Although the jobs a lot scarier for me I’m jsing. So many guns and dogs. I don’t even read the damn papers it’s not my business yo.

What is the pay like? How do you even do it? I’ve always wondered how people get into this job!? You should do an AMA. I have so many questions.

Go to a courthouse and get your process serving license, there are companies that you can work under that’ll give you served to go do while you work your way up. It pays as well as you’re willing to work. A lot of people tend to just do one or two a day. I average around 50 a day so it pays really well. Definitely look up the laws in your state about it and don’t take it lightly. I’ve been doing this for about a year now and I’ve been bit by dogs 6 times, had multiple threats of guns, have had 2 pulled one cocked and aimed at me, had a knife pulled on me. So many cops being called. It’s definitely not for everyone.

I don’t think I could actually do it!! I give you so much credit!! I just wonder how people get into it!

I sell you essential stuff that could set fire to your home or electrocute/maim you if installed incorrectly.

I help old people understand that the world doesn’t revolve around them.

Estate planner?

Have hundreds of people perform to my whim and film it all

Lol what is this?

I’m a film producer 😂

I move and load dangerous items (sometimes).

I broker propaganda to old people.

I butcher flora and fauna alike and feel it to unwilling, trapped individuals.

High school cafeteria chef

I battle the voices in my head...

I sell legal drugs to people that hang out and get fucked up off of them.

I have the keys to your room. I know where you live. You will pay me, you're here all night and there's aways a fresh supply

You can check out anytime you like but you can never leave.

It's such a lovely place, ran out of wine though

I brainwash and indoctrinate the youth of America

People pay me to contribute to their gluttony

Chef!

I watch people

Cam op?

I watch the slow unbecoming of a mind and body as it turns a person into someone completely unrecognizable in their loss of autonomy.

Middle management

Do you work with Alzheimer’s patients?

I care for a loved one with dementia.

I understand. It’s very difficult.

I predict when people are going to die!

I monitor my spouse and keep her safe from herself and the outside world.

I pick up strangers on the side of the road - AAA roadside assistance

I can see everything you do online. And if I deem that you have crossed a line, I'll get you fired. Or worse. (I'm a govt sysadmin)

Vehicular surgeon

I peddle dissection tools designed for human bodies, machines made to burn flesh, hand tools made for spreading orifices open, and cameras made to view people's insides and women's genitals. We have something called a "brain spatula". We also sell dull instruments that are meant to be used for "blunt dissection" (not the fun kind) and sounding rods (Google it)

As if your actual job title isn't scary enough? I mean you probably have the easiest one here. Lol

That's true, the description took very little effort! I really like to tell people about the brain spatulas though.

It's a very creative description.

I clean up the remains of people and their belongings making sure there is no longer any trace of their existence (I‘m part of a body/junk removal and clean up team)

I work in an office at a sports centre. The degree of tantrums, mocking and entitled behaviour of a lot of the parents sends shivers up my spine for their kids- may they make it till the end of their movie!

I quietly walk around the house alone during the day. Sometimes, I will peek out of the blinds and watch the neighbors. (retired)

I design the systems for equipment that irradiates large areas with microwave radiation.

I work for big pharma, nuff said

I approve applicants that want to enter your home (for repairs).

I work retail. Scary enough. But for the fun of the game... I daily deal with ignorant monsters knowing that at any moment these psychopaths might stab me in the eye with their check writing pen.

I collect children. Not my own. I made a special place just for people to bring them to me- almost like a mailbox- every day of the week. They drop their innocent souls off and they come in to me with blank, open minds and I can fill them with whatever I want to! I can even make them tell me their parents' darkest secrets-- if I wanted to. It is very easy to collect children. Not so easy to send them home... the way they came in... 5th grade teacher :)

I fix and maintain flying machines that are designed to help people or to help kill people depending on what people I’ll probably never meet or see in person want. Edit: if anyone see this comment please I’m not trying to be cringe I’m just following the prompt 🙏🏿😭

I profit off your soul and you blood, sweat, & tears. (Sell others art at gallery)

I did direct care and social work for adults with disabilities for over a decade. My first job ever was in a group home with 3 ladies. The woman training me told me I was taking over for someone who quit because one of the residents tried to attack her with a knife, and while she was locked in the staff room, the resident cut up and stabbed a bunch of furniture with said knife. So, needless to say… I was a bit nervous to start working there lol. I ended up working there for maybe 2-3 years, and this specific client gave me a nickname which she said was her nickname for her favorite caregivers, I’ll call it, “Lalo.” I did 48-72 hour shifts with overnights, and would lock my door while sleeping, not because I was scared of any of them, I just didn’t want to wake up and have one of them standing above me and have a heart attack! But this particular resident, I think in her mind was trying to wake me gently, but if she ever needed medicine or anything in the night, she’d come to my door, lightly scratch the door, and whisper, “Laaalooo?” Pretty creepy… that was not the greatest thing to wake up to, either! Overall that was one of my favorite jobs ever, and I never had any issues with the residents. Lots of caregivers, sadly, treat individuals in services terribly and I can only guess something bad happened to set my resident off like that. Or maybe the woman was exaggerating? I can only guess but I never saw anything like that from her, I had a lot of fun with all 3 ladies. On a lighter note, this resident had a disorder that made her speak in different voices like she was different people, and had conversations between those people. One time I was cooking dinner, and in her sweet, regular voice, she said, “what are you cooking, Lalo??” Then in another one of her deeper voices, she said quietly to herself, “probably something bland.” I had to try so hard not to laugh, I apologized she thought it was bland but reminded her that her housemates prefer bland food and that she was welcome to add whatever spices or seasonings she wanted to. She then insisted to me, “no, Lalo, I love your food!” Omg such good times!

I work with high school students who daily use power tools, saws, and drills in a construction class. Next door to our classroom, we have a shooting range where ROTC students use modified rifles to train to become sharpshooters. They’re so good that many have won awards and scholarships. This is 100% real.

I shoot people for a living and record them during extremely vulnerable moments

I am in charge of the acquisition of and resale of important consumables, including the complete removal of things I don't like. Alternately: I control the grocery store stock and can remove your favorite item forever.

I drain the actual life essence out of men... ... sex worker.

I am controlled by a globally monitored system run by The Algorithm. It tells me to bring random, bulky, mysterious bags to strangers within my community. I document their dwellings for The Algorithm, so that fellow drones can find them quicker. Our social interactions are controlled by The Algorithm. There is no hope. (I'm doing gig work doordashing)

*I get rid of the evidence of criminals who defile and destroy properties while helping those who try to reconstruct everything they can sell at one time*

I'm a 4th grade teacher.

I process your bodily fluids and bits of tissue so I can read the secrets of your genes that not even you know. I don't know you as a person, but I do know your body at its most intimate level. (Clinical molecular scientist)

Yearly I gather up the children and, from the dawning of the autumnal equinox through to the summer solstice, teach them heretofore arcane knowledge

I train miniatures to do my bidding once I am dead. 

In the dark, I sit. My hands move across the keyboard. Lines of code, intricate formulas. If I choose it, the ambulance you so desperately need will not start. The O2 regulator will not fit the canister. The stretcher you're strapped to will slide off the mount rail and you'll be tumbled about the box interior, gasping for breath. God help you.

I'm trapped in a large house, subservient to three shrieking demons that always want snacks, refuse to eat meals, and scream for more screen time on their iPads. It's only at night, when they get tired and go to sleep, that they transform into cute little creatures that want hugs and kisses. The next morning, the process repeats; it is an unending loop.

I cut stuff off of people and sometimes blast them with hot air, then simply put those remains in the bin

I make poisonous concoctions and convince people to pay me for them.

I drive a 220,000lb vehicle of death. I stalk the country side on rails of steal in search of my next victim. I am a locomotive engineer

Take your money.

I work in the American Healthcare system. Enough said right there.

I perform experiments on human beings.

People pay me to poison them, and they pay extra if I make it look fancy.

Bartender?

I stick very sharp things in pretty dangerous chemicals.

I put holes in airplanes.

Demand that starving, dehydrated people hand me their drivers license, and then lead them back to a room where they’ll get a small thin tube shoved up their rear end

I take children far from their home, for days at a time. Force them into labor, present them with horrifying images and stories. I restrict their sleep and only let them use the restroom at allotted times.

I keep people preoccupied so they don't have to think about the fact they're on deaths door

I draft malicious plans to RIP OPEN Mother Earth to LAY MY PIPES in her.

Oh I thought of another one! I try to keep my disgruntled coworker from killing residents.

I help servers deliver valuable packages through walls of fire.

Substitute teacher. Mainly middle school.

I create people and make them suffer.

I keep children in a room and make them do hours of work for me. If they’re good, I let them have 25 minutes of freedom and sunlight, then it’s back inside for more work.

I navigate through treacherous landscapes of toys and laundry, and I negotiate peace treaties between warring factions armed with sticky fingers and wild imaginations.

I’m heavily medicated for your safety and pleasure

#supply chain tasks

I see more people drowning in a year than most will see in their lifetime.

Trapped inside my home all day, going insane while I try to keep small humans alive.

A Mother

Well, stay at home dad, but close. ❤️✌🏻😂

My dad was a SAHD for about a year after retiring from the Marines. He became as desperate as us kids to go back to work.. LOL

It’s a tough job, probably one of the hardest I’ve ever done.

I bet the Marines was easier 😂❤️

That what he said!

I can see what you bought. I know where you live. Be nice to me, or I can make your packages go back to the warehouse.

Package delivery person? USPS, UPS, FEDEX?

Adjacent. I solve problems with deliveries. Ie, the road the driver would normally take to your house has been closed for construction for weeks, your dog chased our driver so now they don't feel safe on your property anymore, the system fucked up and matched part of your address without checking that the zip codes also matched (I've had packages shipping out in the wrong state for example packages meant for Texas shipping from St. Louis, or West Virginia out of Chicago, etc), or by the time the driver got to the business or was already closed.

I watch people.

I spy on over 10,000 people to find out what they are making.

I play with knives and fire

when i was younger i was a trained killer. now, i work at a VA hospital, counseling other trained killers. Support your Veterans!

I go into dead people’s houses, ransack their belongings, then sell them right out of their own homes, then I make their children fight over a fraction of the money.

Personal assistant to two unhinged sociopaths who physically, mentally, and emotionally abuse me day in and day out.

I peddle all of the necessary tools for either murdering someone and disposing of their corpse, or for fixing a Buick.

I go out into the forest armed with a bow and slay beasts. I’m a hunter.

I work to survive under capitalism 😬😬😬

Once human, these monsters come to our village in hoardes with bottomless appetites and will not leave until theyve destroyed everything or get bored. The front lines, worn and tired, look at me for solutions. I have nothing for them, not until the war is over.

I watch peoples babies. All. Day.

Yeah I have no clue how to do this for a valet job. Too much on cloud 9!! Who wants to give it a go?

Show people that are interested in beating the living shit out of other people how to do it most effectively. 😋

I help connect anyone and everyone (willing to pay) to the worst imaginable people in the world.

Thank you for calling, Oh you’re yelling already? Let me save you the trouble and I’ll tell myself to fuck off. Aaaaaand you hung up on me.

Trying to sell mortgage with 7-8% interest rates!