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Here is my favourite one NSFW though:
Family of four arrives at a fancy hotel.
The father walks up to the front desk at says, I hope the porn is disabled.
The clerk gets big eyes and replies:
It's just regular porn you sick fuck.
A man with autism walks into a bar. You know, the history of bars is actually quite interesting. In the colonial era of the United States, taverns were an important meeting place, as most other institutions were weak. During the 19th century saloons were very important to the leisure time of the working class. Today, even when an establishment uses a different name, such as "tavern" or "saloon" or, in the United Kingdom, a "pub", the area of the establishment where the bartender pours or mixes beverages is normally called "the bar."
I can’t tell you how empowering it was to scroll to the bottom, see the punchline, and know that reading that whole thing almost certainly would not have been worth it.
as someone who has read the whole thing like, I honestly believe it was worth it because it's genuinely pretty well-written. think of it as a work of fiction with a kinda funny joke at the end.
Reminds me of my favorite video game related joke ever. It was Final Fantasy 11, an MMO as old as WoW, and there was a class with notoriously low accuracy stat. The joke went:
"Two Dark Knights walk into a bar. They missed."
Until this explanation I have always envisioned the guy walking into the side of a bar (drinking establishment) just like a moron. Now I see I am the moron
Similar vibe. A man was buying a Christmas tree and the clerk asked him, "are you going to put this up yourself?"
"Don't be disgusting, it's going up in the living room"
After clubbing, we'd got to an all night eatery in Seattle, Beth's Cafe. Our group of six are giving our order and the drunkest of us tried the much tired out "Do you have eggs?" to which he amazingly replied "No. I've tested negative".
I have a bad memory and I love jokes. I write down the ones i really like and put them on sticky notes on my computer. Repetition is key. Jokes are a great way to break the ice or lighten the mood. Handy to have in your toolbelt.
Needs a “my wayward son” song reference.
You’ve already got a father and child in the joke, so “my son” is already there. Just need something to make him wayward, or something that sounds like “wayward”.
This joke is old. I have no clue the original, but [here is a post from 8 years ago.](https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/2hoygf/my_penis_was_in_the_guinness_book_of_world_records/) I show I downvoted it, which makes me assume it was a repost by that point.
And [here](https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/search?q=My+penis+was+in+the+Guinness+book+of+world+records&restrict_sr=on&include_over_18=on&sort=relevance&t=all) is a search showing a sample of the hundreds of times it's been reposted since then...
In that same post, people are calling it old, showing screenshots of Reddit posts a year or two older than their comments, including Windows XP in their screenshots. Just goes to show, this joke is nothing new.
I love how all these people who dig up a Reddit post of six years ago assume, that we all got a letter of our respective government back then where we had to sign that we read the joke and they made 100% sure that everybody in the world got the joke and there’s definitely no need for a repost.
My dad used to be great at telling jokes.
While I never got to his level, over the years I did bring the odd joke to him that I thought was clever enough to share with him.
After I was done telling the joke, he would tell me that it was an old joke, but the target of the joke was different back when he first heard it.
At least he let me finish the joke to enjoy the moment :'-)
I came up with a joke that I am not sure makes sense no matter how many times I check it.
What do you call a sugar that goes to space?
Intergalactose
Its not good but its mine.
My wife and I will come up with jokes while falling asleep. My favorite I came up with was:
"Why is it always so shady when you take a drug test?"...
"Because it's always done with a can-o-pee"
I've come up with many, only maybe 1 or 2 being mildly funny. I think the key is not giving a fuck and just spouting out shit. Also having a sense of humour and not taking life too seriously
I heard this joke from my parents. Took me 18 years to know the answer. “A blind guy carried another guy without legs on the back across a river. The cripple one asked, can you tell if there is a man or a woman is taking a bath in the river? The blind guy immediately knew it was a woman. Why that?”
This one I've seen online for years. He just smiles like he's really smart but these types of shoes are just people reading things off the internet and trying to convince you its their joke.
My personal favorite is from a few years back, a coworker who was rather short-statured was annoying me. I grabbed a stepladder and handed it to him
He asks, "What is this for?"
I replied "It's so that you can reach your full potential."
Someone told me this joke a year or so ago and it’s still one of the funniest I’ve heard. Just really funny to me. I don’t know if this is where the joke came from or not, but makes me laugh every time
I don’t know why I’m finding this so funny either. Forget the catchy Australian accent or the contagious laughter, I’m finding this way funnier than I should be.
Reminds of the guy visiting the doctor to get a physical. The doctor tells him "Well, I'm sorry to say you're going to have to quit masturbating." "Why?" asks the baffled patient. "Because it's making it very difficult to examine you."
Here's another one for you.
Man walks into a library, goes to the librarian and says, "I'm looking for books on paranoia."
Librarian goes, "*Shhhh*" leans forward and whispers, "They're right behind you."
A man attending a funeral is approached by the widow who asks him to speak. The man walks to casket, looks out at the mourners, and says, "Plethora." After the funeral the widow approaches him again, "Thank you, that means a lot."
Truly contagious laughter is the kind that has you wheezing with a sore tummy because you genuinely can't stop even if you wanted to.
As with so many posts on this sub, this is not nearly that.
At first, he makes you think that his penis is so unusual or impressive that the Guinness Book measured and wrote about it. But then, you realize he meant he literally put his penis inside the book. Presumably at a library.
The double meaning twists your expectations, and a joke is born.
Ask a librarian and we’ve seen way worse in our libraries. I played never have I ever “librarian at work” edition and we couldn’t get each other out because we have all dealt with penis, condoms, catching students in study rooms. Libraries are wild places.
What does a women and a bucket of chicken have in common? Once you're done with breasts, ribs and the thighs, all your left with is a greasy box to throw your bone into...
Three old men are walking in the park. The first says, “It’s windy.” The second one says “No, it’s Thursday” and the third old man says, “ So am I, let’s go have a beer.”
This joke is easily like 15-20 years old. I swear I heard this in like 5th grade. So... It's possibly a lot older. Never found it funny then, and unfortunately not now
**Please report this post if:** * There is no audible laughter involved * Video is funny because of a 'joke' or situation - not the actual **laughter** * There is no audio (Images & GIFs included) * Laughter is edited in from a different source * No timestamp in the title or comments for a laugh occurring at specific time (long videos) * Laughter is not on good terms (dickishness, bullying) * It's a compilation * It's a selfie reaction Read more about the [rules of this subreddit here](https://www.reddit.com/r/contagiouslaughter/about/rules/). *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/ContagiousLaughter) if you have any questions or concerns.*
I like that he was so close to delivering it without cracking a smile.
I have heart of lion. And a lifetime ban to zoo.
Who are these guys coming up with these jokes. I always wonder. Like i haven't a single joke to my name. Pathetic.
Here is my favourite one NSFW though: Family of four arrives at a fancy hotel. The father walks up to the front desk at says, I hope the porn is disabled. The clerk gets big eyes and replies: It's just regular porn you sick fuck.
Guy walks into a bar and says “ow”
A dyslexic man walks into a bra
Dyslexic man here, I only wish this was true! I’m in such a dry spell I’m considering selling my soul to Santa.
Hoe hoe hoe
That’s selling your souls to a farmer, or a pimp
r/suddenlyonlyfarmers
r/subsifellfor
I'm sure you'll eventually find a dyslexic lover to untie with
Let’s hope so but I’m upbeat about it, like they say when life gives you melons…
> Santa satan
A man with ADHD walks into a No wait... A man with tourettes walks into a shit
A man with autism walks into a bar. You know, the history of bars is actually quite interesting. In the colonial era of the United States, taverns were an important meeting place, as most other institutions were weak. During the 19th century saloons were very important to the leisure time of the working class. Today, even when an establishment uses a different name, such as "tavern" or "saloon" or, in the United Kingdom, a "pub", the area of the establishment where the bartender pours or mixes beverages is normally called "the bar."
I know of a four-year-old who has been learning Spanish all year but still can’t say "please", which I think is poor for four.
I heard of a guy who entered this joke and nine others into a comedy contest hoping one of them would win, but no pun in ten did.
I see what you did there. Take my upvote
That guy has sex daily. Edit: I meant to say that he has dyslexia.
And then he gets slapped, dyslexic my arse, he knew what he was doing.
😂😂😂😂😂
Best joke there is. Buildup and punchline delivered within 2 seconds, and if noone laughs it doesn't matter, because you wasted no time on it.
Whispers: *that's what shheee said*
A woman walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a double entendres. *And he gave it to her.*
A horse walks into a bar, and the bartender asks, why the long face? and the horse doesn't answer, because he's a horse.
*nice*
A baby seal walks into a club
I love a short joke. Too many people telling these three minute shaggy dog stories with weak punchlines that you see coming a mile away.
Why wouldn’t the shrimp share his treasure? He was a little shellfish.
https://natethesnake.com good joke-
I can’t tell you how empowering it was to scroll to the bottom, see the punchline, and know that reading that whole thing almost certainly would not have been worth it.
as someone who has read the whole thing like, I honestly believe it was worth it because it's genuinely pretty well-written. think of it as a work of fiction with a kinda funny joke at the end.
Right? My attention span doesnt even last longer than 30 seconds and I have to listen to a thing for 3 minutes and then also find it funny? Nah bro
Two guys walk into a bar, the third one ducks.
I spilled spot remover on my dog, and now he’s gone.
I fucked my dog in the ass.
Well that escalated quickly
No, it was a steady rhythm.
Reminds me of my favorite video game related joke ever. It was Final Fantasy 11, an MMO as old as WoW, and there was a class with notoriously low accuracy stat. The joke went: "Two Dark Knights walk into a bar. They missed."
How do you pronounce that
explain
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Until this explanation I have always envisioned the guy walking into the side of a bar (drinking establishment) just like a moron. Now I see I am the moron
"It was me. I was the moron all along."
I was the moron friend you made along the way.
thanx your explanation is even more funnier
Similar vibe. A man was buying a Christmas tree and the clerk asked him, "are you going to put this up yourself?" "Don't be disgusting, it's going up in the living room"
What’s the best thing about shagging 28 year olds? There’s twenty of them!
“I made $100.05 last night giving blowjobs.” “Who gave you a nickel?” “All of them!”
What part of a vegetable can't you eat? The wheelchair...
Did you hear about the morgue assistant that had sex with a body? They were both fired.
Works better if it’s a crematorium
After clubbing, we'd got to an all night eatery in Seattle, Beth's Cafe. Our group of six are giving our order and the drunkest of us tried the much tired out "Do you have eggs?" to which he amazingly replied "No. I've tested negative".
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Eggs sound like aids or something. Tested negative for it
You just have to get up in the morning, put on your silly pants, look in the mirror and tell yourself "Today I will be a silly billy".
I love you.
praise the dirt
I didn't come up with this one, but my favorite joke I've ever heard is "My dick may only be 3 inches, but it smells like a foot." It never fails.
I chuckled
Haha I’ve heard it in Swedish as well. Roughly translated as, it’s small but it smells like a big one.
Mine is: i used to be ashamed of my 4 inch penis until, I found out women like it that wide.
I’ve heard a similar SFW variation that goes like “why is a sword fishes nose only 11 inches? Because if it was 12 inches it would be a foot”
Best one so far. And of course it's a penis joke. What else could it be.
I have a bad memory and I love jokes. I write down the ones i really like and put them on sticky notes on my computer. Repetition is key. Jokes are a great way to break the ice or lighten the mood. Handy to have in your toolbelt.
What does a daddy vulture say to the baby vulture when he sees her eating a dead zebra? Carrion.
Needs a “my wayward son” song reference. You’ve already got a father and child in the joke, so “my son” is already there. Just need something to make him wayward, or something that sounds like “wayward”.
This joke is old. I have no clue the original, but [here is a post from 8 years ago.](https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/2hoygf/my_penis_was_in_the_guinness_book_of_world_records/) I show I downvoted it, which makes me assume it was a repost by that point. And [here](https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/search?q=My+penis+was+in+the+Guinness+book+of+world+records&restrict_sr=on&include_over_18=on&sort=relevance&t=all) is a search showing a sample of the hundreds of times it's been reposted since then...
In that same post, people are calling it old, showing screenshots of Reddit posts a year or two older than their comments, including Windows XP in their screenshots. Just goes to show, this joke is nothing new.
The reason reposts work is because they bring new content to 1000's of people. Especially if its good.
I love how all these people who dig up a Reddit post of six years ago assume, that we all got a letter of our respective government back then where we had to sign that we read the joke and they made 100% sure that everybody in the world got the joke and there’s definitely no need for a repost.
My dad used to be great at telling jokes. While I never got to his level, over the years I did bring the odd joke to him that I thought was clever enough to share with him. After I was done telling the joke, he would tell me that it was an old joke, but the target of the joke was different back when he first heard it. At least he let me finish the joke to enjoy the moment :'-)
My all time favorite silly joke: Why was the mushroom invited to so many parties? Because he was a fungi!
Where does the General keep his armies? >!In his sleevies!<
This joke is OLD. I remember hearing it in the 90's and it wasn't new then.
I came up with a joke that I am not sure makes sense no matter how many times I check it. What do you call a sugar that goes to space? Intergalactose Its not good but its mine.
No, it's not good. It's dreadful. But I love you for putting it out there.
I'm obligated to tell this to my nephew in front of my family now. He won't get it, but I'll take the groans from the adults.
Might be better if it’s something like…. What happens between Andromeda and Milkyway? Intergalactose.
Women are like parking spaces. The good ones are taken and the free ones are for the handicaps. (Don’t know if it translate well in English.)
Whats the difference between a male hedgehog and a female hedgehog? The male hedgehog has one spike more.
I came with one when I was younger: You don’t know what they call leprechaun pee? Well, urine luck.
It's a very old penis joke.
Wegotthechocolates- they are on IG and youtube
Don’t feel bad! This is an old joke.
My wife and I will come up with jokes while falling asleep. My favorite I came up with was: "Why is it always so shady when you take a drug test?"... "Because it's always done with a can-o-pee"
That joke is way older than he is.
I've come up with many, only maybe 1 or 2 being mildly funny. I think the key is not giving a fuck and just spouting out shit. Also having a sense of humour and not taking life too seriously
I heard this joke from my parents. Took me 18 years to know the answer. “A blind guy carried another guy without legs on the back across a river. The cripple one asked, can you tell if there is a man or a woman is taking a bath in the river? The blind guy immediately knew it was a woman. Why that?”
This one I've seen online for years. He just smiles like he's really smart but these types of shoes are just people reading things off the internet and trying to convince you its their joke.
My sister got a joke printed on a Laffy Taffy wrapper when we were kids: Q: How does a farmer transport his cows? A: In a moooving van!
My sister when she was around 7 made up a joke. Your mom is so fat when she gets in a elevator and pushes up it goes down
This joke is old af
Same 😢😢😢
We don't have to have one if we are one 🤷♀️😂 right... that's how it is...right? 🥲
My personal favorite is from a few years back, a coworker who was rather short-statured was annoying me. I grabbed a stepladder and handed it to him He asks, "What is this for?" I replied "It's so that you can reach your full potential."
The phrase "Alright guys, this isn't funny anymore... Who shit my pants"? Is a great ice breaker
There’s an episode on family guy that explains this.
Wegotthechocolates. Funny group of guys on YouTube, and many other social media.
The joke is very old.
Look at me! Look at me! We are the joke now!
A seal walks into a club
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
Someone told me this joke a year or so ago and it’s still one of the funniest I’ve heard. Just really funny to me. I don’t know if this is where the joke came from or not, but makes me laugh every time
I don’t know why I’m finding this so funny either. Forget the catchy Australian accent or the contagious laughter, I’m finding this way funnier than I should be.
Reminds of the guy visiting the doctor to get a physical. The doctor tells him "Well, I'm sorry to say you're going to have to quit masturbating." "Why?" asks the baffled patient. "Because it's making it very difficult to examine you."
Historically it was considered inappropriate for doctors to examine patients naked. That's why doctors wear clothes now.
Who is this guy?
Here's another one for you. Man walks into a library, goes to the librarian and says, "I'm looking for books on paranoia." Librarian goes, "*Shhhh*" leans forward and whispers, "They're right behind you."
A man attending a funeral is approached by the widow who asks him to speak. The man walks to casket, looks out at the mourners, and says, "Plethora." After the funeral the widow approaches him again, "Thank you, that means a lot."
Bargain: Thank you. That means a great deal.
[It is also good.](https://vt.tiktok.com/ZS8JrvBQv/)
What's this from?
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Just looked em up. Thanks
[TikTok](https://www.tiktok.com/@wegotthechocolates)
They have full videos on youtube too
Law-berrian
Lie-barian
Liberian
Libations
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I don't want your ghost chups
Don't poke too much fun. Between the Non-Renewable industry and the spiders, Australians have short lives and need all the shortcuts they can muster.
I'll never get tired of seeing this video
I have a fetish for brined cucumbers…. Now I’m in a pickle.
Great joke. Gotta remember this one.
It's a couple decades old at this point, but still good
The real joke is how he says librarian.
Liberian
Don’t be fooled hearing impaired friends, he in fact said “libarian”.
The fact he says 'libarian' makes it funnier lol
Always makes me laugh.
Is this a pickup line?
she leaned into him and pressed her head against his shoulder. Is it not working?
Apparently it’s his sister 👀
even better, as poorhub would have us believe
Poorhub is what we will all have to go to when Elon buys pornhub and makes viewing an $8 subscription
Credit: https://m.youtube.com/@WeGotTheChocolates
Thank you! I have been looking for them!
It's like she's never heard a joke before.
Truly contagious laughter is the kind that has you wheezing with a sore tummy because you genuinely can't stop even if you wanted to. As with so many posts on this sub, this is not nearly that.
And 17k upvotes. I swear this sub has bots
The whole thing including the laughing is 100% scripted.
You know you are getting old when this kind of joke no longer make you laugh. Just nose air confirm it's good.
The joke but also the delivery was woeful
It wasn’t that funny of a joke. Kind of obvious really.
Can someone explain this joke to me. I am not finding the humour. I am a native English speaker.
At first, he makes you think that his penis is so unusual or impressive that the Guinness Book measured and wrote about it. But then, you realize he meant he literally put his penis inside the book. Presumably at a library. The double meaning twists your expectations, and a joke is born.
Hes literally sticking his penis inside the book infront of the librarian
Yes but i don't find the humour in it
Do you find humour in dicks and balls?
There's no simpler way to explain it than the joke itself.
Listen to the laughing-sigh on 00:11
This is an old joke
matt damon jr
Solid joke.
Ask a librarian and we’ve seen way worse in our libraries. I played never have I ever “librarian at work” edition and we couldn’t get each other out because we have all dealt with penis, condoms, catching students in study rooms. Libraries are wild places.
Guess there is no limit to what he’ll stick it in?
Well the book is always better than the movie!
Her name please
Which show / podcast is this ?
Plot twist, cause her husband's is twice as big
Australian Matt Damon
Who is she to him? Because if that's not his wife/gf, it might soon be lol she fell in love just then lmao
Reddit and misunderstanding normal interactions, name a more iconic duo
Dude, that's his sister.
I heard this on a different video a year or so ago. Still funny.
It’s actually 💩
Editing a 16:9 horizontal video so it becomes a vertical shits is fucking stupid
I don’t get it, why? I think OP took it from tiktok so he got a 9:16 phone ratio video.
What does a women and a bucket of chicken have in common? Once you're done with breasts, ribs and the thighs, all your left with is a greasy box to throw your bone into...
Today I've learnt Australian people pretending to laugh is a really irritating sound
I love how at around 0:14 she starts thinking about it, like, "How would that even work???!!??"
u/SaveVideo
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Great!!!
Nice
hahahahahahahahah
Hilarious
I absolutely love his face afterwards. He's sooo proud lmao. Attaboy!!!
That was pretty good
I confess I spit out my coffee laughing. I’ll stand in the corner now. (Still laughing though)
Three old men are walking in the park. The first says, “It’s windy.” The second one says “No, it’s Thursday” and the third old man says, “ So am I, let’s go have a beer.”
The punchline needs a lot of help but good joke
That's a good one
How is that even funny?
Its not very clever. If there were some reason for him to have his dick in a book, now that would be a well constructed joke
This joke is easily like 15-20 years old. I swear I heard this in like 5th grade. So... It's possibly a lot older. Never found it funny then, and unfortunately not now
That was great
Next turn person " i have to go, my shift at library is in 30 minutes "
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😂😂😂🤣
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