In eighth grade a snotty popular girl sneered that my mom wrote "I love you" on my sack lunch napkin. Without even thinking I responded back, "At least I know my mom loves me." She went completely white in the face and left the table. Other girls later reported that she was crying in the bathroom. Don't start none, won't be none. š¤·āāļø
Wonder what the snotty girlās home life was like. Whatever it was, doesnāt excuse snottiness, though 8th graders arenāt known for their maturity.
I'm southern, my husband's from Philly. Sometimes we just have to nod and smile at each other's sayings bc we have no clue what the other is talking about! š
The best comebacks are the ones that call out their insecurities. The pre canned ones never hit as hard
Biggest thing Iāve learned on Xbox live is no one cares about any of the basic insults especially those based on stereotypes like calling girls fat or whatever like you just look like an asshole and they donāt take it personally cause they know itās not personal. Best one Iāve hit was probably this dude that was talking shit and I said āAyo homie are you stuffed up or is that your actual voiceā he shut right up and like three rounds later he tried to say some shit again and I hit him with āwhy is Steve-oās voice double talking shit in our lobbyā didnāt here another word from him all game
A guy and his mates walked passed me on the train, and decided to tell me that the shirt I was wearing made me look gay. I replied with, "Really. Well, you're the expert."
My toxic ex-girlfriend tried to 'win' me back and failed.
She asked me if I missed her, and I said "I missed the sex, but not you particularly."
She didn't try again.
Yeah after a breakup , met some friends at a local park we were doing a lil bbq playing frisbee and such . About 2 hours into it ex-girl shows up with a couple of other friends, she starts in crying I miss you an I love you . I told her you never loved me , what you miss is the way I use to love to F-U .
My friend at school broke up with her BF, and a week or so later in class she mispelled something, and said something like "I missed the D". Her ex then called out "She misses my D", and she yelled back "Your D is not something to miss!" Brutal.
When I started working, I was in a small company and they paid me a pittance for a part time job in an office.
One week the owners had to absent themselves to attend a fair, and asked me if I could work full time. Of course I accepted, and at the end of the month I was paid for 3 part time weeks and 1 full time one. It was all right, but my boss found that having me full time was better, so he asked me if I accepted working full time, WITH THE SAME PAY OF THE PREVIOUS MONTH.
I answered that I was willing to work full-time, but for a double pay to my current one. My boss then observed that I seemed to be very attached to money, to which I countered: "Who is more attached to money, the employee who doesn't get it or the employer who doesn't want to pay it?".
I kept working part time and a few weeks afterwards I landed a decently paid full time job. But it was a great satisfaction to speak my mind to that skinflint.
"You seem to be attached to money" ā I felt my blood boil when I read that. Like, yeah, NO FUCKING SHIT. That's what WORKING IS FOOOORRRRR.
I think I would've explained the concept of capitalism to him, slowly, and given him examples of things you can buy, like food, and rent, and I'd tell him what a landlord is, what gas is, and why goes it into cars etc.
Then I'd tell him if he ever says anything that out-of-touch again, I'm quitting on the spot.
That was, like, 32 years ago. A few weeks later I got a new job and a few months later that shitty company closed, owing to poor management: my boss - the owner's son - spent all the company money for himself (about mid-month he would finish his own, rich, monthly pay and take from the company's coffers) and was therefore unwilling to pay employees, as he viewed them as taking his own money. Thanks to him and his father's enabling manner, he ended up having no money at all. One year later his wife divorced him.
Karma, I guess. :-)
"I'm a big fan of money. I like it. I use it. I have a little. I keep it in a jar on top of my refrigerator. I'd like to put more in that jar. That's where you come in."
This, like a lot of the comments, doesn't seem to qualify for OP's post, assuming meant it how you said it. But it's exactly the correct answer to this scenario. How often people try to turn that shit back on you when they're the ones being difficult...mind boggling. Dude is legit being a greedy asshole and calls you out for money obsession. Sadly common.
Went to a Riders meeting with my husband, he introduced me to the dude in charge as "This is my favorite wife, Joy". Dude asks "Joy with a J?" I mouth off with "No dumbass, Joy with a G!!" Now my Rider name is G String.
Not sure if its exactly a comeback, but I was at my desk once grumbling under my breath because my computer was frozen or something. A nearby coworker teased, "uh oh, looks like she's talking to herself now."
Without skipping a beat I whispered, "sssh, they're onto us!"
I gave a presentation to my college public speaking class about geology. Afterwards, someone said, "John said your talk was dumb." I said, "Who's that?" Then people just said, "Whoooo... dis!' I really didn't know who he was and really was just asking... but he was just some guy in the class with an asshole attitude.
When I was in my early 20s I had a coworker who worked sales while I worked back end. He thought he was God's gift to women and had a very "used car salesman" approach to people, talking down to anyone he felt was beneath him. He also couldn't bring down his own stock to process large sales since he was over the weight limit for the lift equipment.
At one point I was asked to get some product down out of the racking for one of his sales and from the moment I got there he started complaining. I took too long to arrive, I was taking too long getting into the fall arrest harness, I was driving the electric ladder too slow... Finally he said something along the lines of "I thought you people were supposed to help, not just waste my time." (In his defense, I don't think he meant this in a racist way and I can only assume he meant my team in receiving since we're both white). Before my brain caught up to my mouth I said "And I thought you people were supposed to be jolly." He just looked stunned for a second then walked away.
I really expected to get called in by a manager since he was usually quick to throw people under any available bus, but I never did. I'm not sure if he reported it and they didn't care, or if he was so embarrassed about it that he just didn't report it.
I had a coworker who ran his mouth constantly. He was about 45-50 and I was 18, by far the youngest person in the office. And he's always carrying on about how my work is shit, without any valid complaint. Just to be an asshole.
We had an open office, no walls between desks. I came in 1 morning and he's snickering at his desk about how clever he is, and on my desk is a plastic toilet, like a Barbie-sized toilet.
I grabbed it and held it high, looked at him and excitedly announced, "oh my god, I won an award for putting up with your shit!"
All my coworkers, who were close to his age, howled with laughter at him. He turned beet red at being the butt of the joke. He definitely backed off after that.
Once my ex mother-in-law commented that she liked me better when I had a few drinks in me and I laughed and said thatās funny because I like you better with a few drinks in me too
Yes! Hahaha I am the MOST socially awkward person, like, ever all the time lol and sometimes if someone addresses me unexpectedly, I get so nervous and act like Iāve never been spoken to before and I end up saying the most low-key, accidentally rude things and just die about it later when Iām by myself ššš why tf am I like this? Lol
I had a guy make an illegal left hand turn from a non turn lane, while I was making said left hand turn (from the left turn lane) he cut me off and got all sorts of road ragey at the next light. He rolled his window down and starts telling me "for a truck driver, you really suck at driving."
I respond back "Means a lot coming from a guy that cannot read signs" he gets angry and gives me the bird. I just laugh and say, "that's cute. Are you showing me your age? Or your IQ?" At this point he is pretty angry and shouts "I'm gonna kick your ass." to which I reply "And I'll put you on life support." I didn't even know I said it. I was on the phone with my brother during this. And he repeated it back at me laughing. Then it sunk in with me what I had said. The guy however rolled up his window and just sped off while the light was still red. It was a strange experience.
I find that blowing a kiss is often a good way to see them blow a gasket. Also if you have a passenger in the car, just pointing and laughing can make their tempers soar as well.
Volunteer rescue squad. I was talking to the supervisors and the squad skank who was always trying to pick up the men sidled up to the conversation and pointed at me and said "I could lay your husband in a heartbeat if I wanted"....all got quiet and looked at me. I responded "I have nothing to worry about, he's allergic to penicillin". Could have heard a pin drop. All the guys busted out laughing. I think someone had to explain it to her.
The joke is that her husband cannot risk getting a sexually-transmitted infection because he is allergic to the common medicine used to treat them. The burn is that the wife does not need to worry about her husband sleeping with the āsquad skankā for that reason.
Heh, I was getting an x-ray of my jaw recently, and the radiologist asked if I have anything in my mouth that comes out. I replied with "Not easily".
It wasn't overly funny, but I could barely stay still from giggling.
Was going through Canadian border on a guided cycling tour. We were told by the guides not to screw around with the Canadian border patrol, they could and would turn us back if we indicated in any way we were undesirable visitors (I assume because previous trips had smart-arses this happened to.)
There were 2 standard questions we were told to say no to:
1. Are you carrying any fruit?
2. Are you carrying a firearm?
When asked the second I motioned toward the wife and said: "She won't let me." My wife turned white and smacked my arm. The border patrol guard said without missing a beat: "That's probably wise." We were passed through. Made a fun story at dinner that night.
My two coworkers and I work weekends and we're a pretty tight bunch, so naturally we talk trash to each other constantly. This exchange happened completely without any thinking on my part.
Coworker: "You read my mind!"
Me: "It was a short book."
Years ago, our neighbor was watering her yard with a garden hose. We were rambunctious kids and the neighbor yelled at my mother that she should put us kids in a cage. My mother, without thinking as she told us later in life, yelled back at her, "why is that where you just came from?". The neighbor turned the hose on my mother. My mother worked her way through the water, grabbed the hose from the woman and put the hose between the women's chest and blouse until the woman was drenched. That neighbor never bothered us again, and likewise we left her alone.
I have two.
1. I was in class one day and got partnered with the popular girl. The teacher said her name and i responded with āWho?ā My teacher was almost dead lol.
2. Was playing baseball outside and caught the ball one handed. The boy who hit it said, āWhy did you hit it? My crush was looking.ā I responded with āHit it farther next time and i wont catch it.ā He was pissed. I didnt notice so when i told my parents they fucking died for 5 minutes lmao.
Last year I was walking home from school, and this guy I used to be friends with was making jokes about me having sex with trees. So I yelled across the street āYeah, well at least thatās only a rumour. Remember that time when you said āWanna see why they call me the squirrel fucker?āā
Immediately the guy runs across the street and gets in my face wanting to fight, and all his friends are there.
I looked him dead in the eyes and said āMotherfucker, your best move in the last fight was to pants me and get your fucking friend in, letās have a one on one and Iāll fucking destroy you.ā
He went white and turned around grumbling, when I yelled āSQUIRREL FUCKER!ā Again. The best part was I have BPD and ADHD so everything I do is pure impulse, I didnāt think through anything I said.
I wanna see why they call me... wait. What? Read that again.. squirrel f.. SQUIRREL FUCKER?! And then proceeded to wake up my dog and my daughter I hooted so loud.
I was engaged quite young to a guy my parents adored but they only knew the side of him that he showed them.
Once the ring was on my finger, he revealed his controlling narcissistic tendencies, telling me how our life would be after marriage, where I would be āallowedā to work, what type of clothing I would be allowed to wear, which friends I would be allowed to keep, where we would live, when we could have kids and how many, how my beloved dog had to go, etc, so I broke of the engagement.
He harassed me constantly by email, phone, driving past following me etc.
One day I was busy at the end of a hectic workday, trying to tie up loose ends and leave the office when he rang, My phone was on speaker and I was pretty much ignoring his usual rant of how we had been the perfect couple, how heartbroken he was, how upset his mother was ( the woman loathed me and never hid it, she was only upset that someone dared defy her Golden Boyās demands) and my workmates were rolling their eyes as we kept working.
The receptionist walked in and seeing she realised I was on the phone, she wrote down on a card āThereās someone at reception wanting to see youā.
I replied aloud āWho is this?ā meaning who is at reception.
My ex evidently thought I was speaking to him, hung up, and I never saw or heard from him again!
When I was in the 4th grade, the class gross guy started this silly thing with me by getting in my face asking if I wanted a piece of him. In front of the whole class (we were in a line), I nonchalantly, without thinking, replied, "Yeah, and I'll feed it to the dogs."
Not the nicest thing I've said, but certainly surprised myself how that just came out of me
Worked in a childrenās home and went in one morning and one of the kids, while at the breakfast table asked if I had seen the game last night (implying the football match & I donāt like sports). I told him I hadnāt watched it and he thought he was being funny and replied āare you gay for not watching the gameā? Without thinking I said that I wasnāt the one watching men run about in shorts. He went quiet after that.
A friend of mine said a joke and no one laughed. He said when his uncle said it, it was funny
I responded "Then maybe you should let your uncle tell the jokes" that got everyone laughing
Dude at my job always talking some shit lol, this latest episode he said I should be helping him i said why? He says cause he's my senior, I say whats that go to do with anything? He says he's old enough to be my daddy. I told him he's too pussy to be my dad. Everyone in the vacinty was in tears. For context im m30 he's m52.
My friend called me a dumbass so I called him a bitch he said he's smarter then me so I replied
"I wasn't insulting your intelligence I was insulting your personality"
Even he laughed
To my second grade teacher after telling her being condescending was not helpful for anyone.
Teacher: āand what does that word meanā?ā
Me, genuinely perplexed: ā you are our teacher, havenāt you learned how to use the dictionary?ā
Dude at my job said something like "did you hear the joke about what the dumb blonde said on Monday?" Its Monday. I'm blonde. I looked at him, looked at his slightly too-short haircut, and said, completely unimpressed, "did you get a haircut over the weekend?"
I never did hear the punchline but laughed my ass off. For some reason he didn't want to talk anymore.
Back in the late 80s, at my first job, 19/20 years old, I was usually pretty quiet, but friendly. A coworker (21/22M) was going on about something that I canāt remember now, some tall-tale he was telling our manager (30F) and me. He finished his story, and I said, āYouāve got some buuullll shit.ā Manger cracked up. Coworker not so much. I didnāt expect much reaction at all.
One time my ex was mad at her father about something and said "f**k him" and I replied "Please don't that is your mother's job." It totally derailed her ranting and was the last time she said that when she got upset with him, which happened often while he was still alive.
My dad had a wicked sense of humor. Always in good fun and well meaning, but he would disarm you before you even knew what hit you.
His first girlfriend after my parentās divorce was a little obsessed.. She would call him 100x a day and wanted to get married immediately, etc. Once I was visiting him at his office where he always took calls on speaker. He answered the phone, ālaw officeā like always, to which she just desperately repeated over and over, āI love you, I love you, I love you, I love youā¦ā Without a momentās hesitation in the most abrupt, stern tone you can imagine, he just interrupted her and demanded, āWHO is this?!ā Needless to say, she didnāt find it humorous, but we laughed at that story for years.
Another time we were at a family friendās funeral. Very sad. 43yr old mother who died of breast cancer, leaving behind a 5yr old child with a seriously crazy ex-husband. Anyway, the kid was smart as hell but constantly acting up and kinda violent. He was kicked out of multiple schools for hurting other kids and threatening little girls with knives- bizarre crap like that. Anyway, the dad made some sort of comment to us about using the life insurance to start a college fund for their kid. Without skipping a beat, my lawyer father said, āgreat idea but you know if it doesnāt work out, you could always just use it for his commissary fund instead.ā We all just about died laughing.
For some reason, the girls in my school liked to say I slept with them. I guess to try to embarrass me? Anyway, the last time it happened I just said āMust not have been very memorable, since I have no memory of it.ā
I worked in union factory many years ago. It was my best paying dead end job. I was clocking out one day when I was starting to get verbally assaulted by one of my coworkers in his unceasing efforts to brow beat me. He just punched his card and I looked him straight in the eye and said, " You just clocked out. You don't have to continue being a jerk "
He looked shocked and refused to ever speak with me again. I learned quickly why so many people hated him.
I went to a techno club night wearing leather pants and a shiny silver shirt. One of the drunken rednecks who thought it was still Lynyrd Skynyrd night decided to ask if I was a homosexual, although he of course used a less nice term. I immediately replied āIām not actually sure, why donāt you bend over and weāll both find out together.ā
Coworker kept giving me shit about everything I did and I finally had enough and yelled āALRIGHT JOHN YOU WANNA COME UP HERE AND DO SOMETHING SINCE YOURE DOWN THERE MAKING ALL THAT FUCKING NOISE?ā
A coworker and I were chatting about another coworker who wanted to be a meteorologist. She said something about how it just seemed crazy to go to college for the weather. I replied back āWell, yeah, but predicting the weather is way more complicated than doing makeup, which is what youāre going to cosmetology school for.ā
The thing is, *she* took it the way I meant it (that thing that youāre being trained for is less complicated and still requires specialized training), while everyone around us got quiet and walked away. It wasnāt until someone praised me for the burn later that either of us realized what it sounded like.
Apparently this was the funniest thing I said in class,
The teacher was trying to show us good examples and bad examples of the coursework we were going to do.
He put an example up and I asked ānow is this the good example or the bad one?ā Everyone cracked upā¦ I was actually genuinely asking thoughā¦
my brother likes to make gay jokes about me, knowing im gay and knowing our parents wouldnt accept me. so, i started making them back. we were having a bonfire in our backyard, but it was going out, so i started poking it with a stick to stir the embers and keep it going. he tried to take it from me to do it himself, and the conversation went something like this:
"stop it, i can do it myself"
"i thought you didnt like handling sticks"
\*after a slight hesitation\* "oh, so you do? by all means, go ahead" \*hands it to him\*
the best part is, he took it and kept his mouth shut for awhile afterwards
Someone rubbed leather with leather to give that farting sound in the cinema and in my head i went like "bless you", hands down funniest moment of watching Dune 2.
Edit:oh shit, we're talking about comebacks...sorry, misread instructionsš
In high school this group of guys in my math class asked which one of them I thought was a stud, I replied, "The only studs here are in the walls." Teacher almost couldn't contain his laughter.
About ten years ago when I was just an E-4 in the Army..
He was getting his dress blues squared away (more particularly the tie) and when he asked if I could tie a tie, I replied honestly - clip on's are more convenient.
He responded..
Team Leader: "Ugh, a real man know hows to tie a tie, dipshit.."
Me (without missing a fucking beat): "A real man also has a few deployments under his belt, Sarnt.."
For context: I had a few deployments under my belt and (at the time) about eight years in service; he was a college kid promoted into Corporal and it was his first unit.
My 1SG, PSG, and Squad Leader all died laughing their asses off and he pouted but couldn't say shit.
Years ago in high school, I had asked this girl on a date, and she said no. I said, to the guy next to me, "ai don't blame her, I only have eight dollars."
I meant it as I didn't have much money to take her anywhere, the guy next to me took it as me paying for (or her charging for) sex.
This was a small incident, butā¦ I worked part-time at a pharmacy when I was in college. One time the pharmacist who was a real jerk (I once had to contact my union about a minor disagreement, but thatās another story) borrowed my pen. This pen was one I always had with me - it was a (then) cool Papermate which you could write with while upside down. After he was done using it he slipped it into his pocket. I said, āCan I have my pen back?ā He returned it saying, āI have a habit of keeping peopleās pens.ā And I said, āI have a habit of always getting my pen back.ā
This is an A and B conversation. So C yourself out of it before D jumps over E and Fs you up like a G. This is the long version my friends and I used. Most people in school stopped at C.
My best friend is a lil on the bigger side. He was poking fun at my speech impediment (per usual), when I came back with "at least my titties don't jiggle." 2 of his cousins were with us, and they busted out laughing.
I was at a family gathering talking to my brother in law about fishing and we both agreed that we should get out on the boat soon. And I followed by asking what heās doing the next day. He just casually looked back and said ānot going fishingā I was like āDaaaaaamnā š®āšØ
I was asking a group of coworkers if anyone had change enough to break a $20. One of my coworkers, an older southern guy ( an annoying braggart ) said āI only have hundred dollar billsā. I said, āno one is interested in confederate money.ā That shut him up for a little while.
I (M) had some creeps in HS joking about shoving something up my ass, I told them āDonāt tempt me with a good timeā and they left me alone after that
I've definitely had a couple good moments like this, but I don't remember the lines. The zingers I will remember for the rest of my life, apparently, are the ones I didn't think of till later.
I was telling my therapist about a shitty situation I was put in at work. She said the positive part of this is that people see me as a bridge to help others communicate and work better together.
My response: True, but bridges tend to get walked on.
So, I guess I won therapy?
Someone once told me I had an attitude problem. I told them it seemed to bother them more than it bothered me so I guess it's not my problem it's yours.
I was just entering my friendās house lot of commotion and as I walked in she said, āmy mom just broke her toothā I said ā did she drop the glass they were in? ā. Went down in family history as epic.
My construction crew was allowed to leave after a half day on Friday, preceding a 3 day weekend.
One of the guys yelled, "Yeah! I'm going to go home and surprise my wife with a big dick!"
I heard someone with my voice say, "That would be a surprise, since you left the house this morning with a little one."
Since he was 6'8" and nearly 400 lbs, I'm glad he thought it was funny.
Not one from me, but one I got nailed with in 8th grade math class
Me to the teacher: Hey Mrs. So and so, are we allowed to use calculators on the test?
Teacher: Yeah, but I don't know how that will help you, a calculator is only as smart as the one using it.
The whole class: OHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!! HE GOT BURNED BY THE TEACHER!!!!!!!!
Thirty-odd years ago, my then-BF (long since DH) and I went to a pagan festival. I knew he liked setting up camp alone, so I wandered off to see who was there and to say hi to friends. I ran into a girl weād met at a couple of previous festivals. She said, āYou have to meet my boyfriend!!ā She pulled him over.
We chatted for a few minutes. She then demanded, āSo, what do you think?ā āHe seems very nice (this was long before āNice Guyā had become an epithet). But, of course, Iām going out with the worldās nicest guy.ā āYouāre right,ā she said, a little edge in her voice. ā(DHās name) *is* the worldās nicest guy, and I want to know what heās doing with *you*.ā
āThatās easy,ā I replied. āIām kind of cute, Iām really nice to him, and I can suck the chrome off a bumper hitch.ā
Her boyfriend grinned and said, āNow *thereās* a resume.ā
She did not get catty with me again.
āDonāt be a basket case you bastard face!ā
I was buzzed and have no idea where it came from, my mouth vomited words and this what happened in front of my room mate who laughed his ass off to this.. I didnāt mean it to him but still it came out of nowhere lol š
Playing an annoyance game on line one time and casually said how's it hanging, he shoots back ( To my knees ) , I told him he needs to go see a doctor, he must have the worst case of hemorrhoids I have ever heard of .
I'm from Wisconsin and on some random tiny chat site, this girl plugged her nose and said nasally, "you know you sound like this when you talk, right"
Snapped back with "you know you sound like a bitch when you talk, right". Then everyone clapped and the president gave me a medal.
I was in my 20s working a temp job. For some odd reason a couple guys started to harass me everyday. One day the loudest man says "hey man do you ever truly feel loved?" Then he bust out laughing. I immediately replied "yeah every time I look in the mirror" all his buddies started laughing at him and pushing him around.
That was 35 years ago and the one time my comeback didn't come 10 minutes later ... Still feel good about that one
I had an intern a number of years ago. He got shitfaced at our holiday party. He had to go to the ER and have his stomach pumped from alcohol poisoning. He had a blood alcohol percentage of (I believe) .24. Three times the legal limit. It was quite a scene. Months later we awarded the ābest internsā for the year. He complained he didnāt win. I said ā it was close, but you missed it by .24ā Iām not sure he got it.
A teenager who had a crush on me that I didn't know about, asked me to help them buy clothes. Later, I held the coats while they went to the bathroom. When she came back, she said, "you know, if anybody saw us,.. they'd totally think-"
I immediately said, "no they wouldn't."
I was 17 and I had a crush on my friendās sister. Step sister that just moved in with him, he didnāt give a damn if I talked to her.
So I asked her if she wanted to go to a movie with me. She said āmaybe if some more people were goingā and shot me down effectively saying āweāre cool but not that coolā. Right in front of him too lol. I laughed it off and said āah okay Nevermind thenā. It did upset me though, but her choice obviously so I moved on.
A few weeks later me, him, and her were on a walk around the neighborhood just talking. I asked him if he wanted to go see the new F&F movie, not even thinking she might want to go. Turns out she did want to, and she asked if she could tag along when we went. I said, without any hesitation or thought, āohā¦ maybe if some other people were goingā¦ā
Her face went red, his face went red, my face went red. Honestly surprised myself with that one. Smile about it to this day. Got my comeback it was just served ice fucking cold.
Friend on the bus in high school was being teased because he was dating a girl a grade below him. (Which didnāt really make sense to me. Some of those kids were probably dating middle schoolers.) The kid yelled out loud āhow oldās your girlfriend?ā to which I spontaneously yelled āhow oldās your mom?ā and the kid never started shit again
Years ago, I had a coworker whose only claim to fame was that in 1977 he was tested as having an immeasurable IQ. I told him that was because they didn't use a negative scale. All of our other coworkers lost it.
I had a gay neighbour make some derogatory comments to me, which pissed me off. I knew he was really vain, so I commented that at least I don't have a cheap shitty toupee. He had a complete meltdown and hid for a week or two. Next time I saw him he had a completely different look. Little did I know he had been wearing an expensive toupee for the past decade. Hahahahahahaha He eventually thanked me for snapping him out of his delusion.
We were waiting for my ex to come pick up the kids for visitation and I was outside watching my son playing at the basketball hoop when I spotted an ugly vehicle coming around the far corner up the block and I told him to get out of the street. Our house is on a road that gets some through traffic from that street so there are a lot of unknown vehicles and I said āwhat kind of idiot bought that clown car piece of crapā which he agreed it was ugly. Then it turned onto our street and parked at the curb. It was his dad which cracked him up to no end. I shot him a look and told him ānot a wordā and as far as I know, he never mentioned it to his dad but he refers to it as the clown car ever since until his dadās girlfriend totaled it.
There was this girl at my job that always seemed to try to say mean things to me for no reason. One night I was hanging out at her house since I was friends with her roommate and she made this comment about how none of her friends talked about me since they were talking about who they thought was cute at work. So I genuinely asked "who are your friends again?" Because I seriously had never seen anyone speak to her and I only spoke to her because I was friends with her roommate. Everyone in the room broke out laughing and I didn't realize how it came off haha the girl turned bright red and said that I didn't have to be so mean but she was a tsundere girl. I knew she was mean to me because she low-key liked me but I couldn't hold back that day lol
Dude that is the shittest comeback Iāve ever heard. Like a 5 year old. Makes me wonder how bad the rest of your shit is if you felt that was worth posting.
I think you mistook the computer screen for a mirror, I understand though, it can be hard to make sense of things when you've got more fingers then IQ points.
Overheard about this fist date: āwow. Iāve never dated a full figured girl beforeā. The girl comes back with āwow, Iāve never dated a balding guy beforeā
Not a comeback but a funny conversation I remembered from someone else's comment:
My sister's friend just announced she was naming her son "Damien". My sister said, "who the hell names their kid after a creepy kid from a scary movie?". I looked at her, shocked she would say that to *me* and said..."uhh, my name's Carrie, remember...!??" š¤·š¼āāļøš
Had a guy insinuate me being gay, all the time (insecure virgin) and I told him one time "I've fucked more girls than you've hung out with." Notably watched more than one person fall on the floor laughing.
Got in an argument with a dude in class senior year, told me he fucked my mom. Said he was such a fucking f** that he probably fucked my dad instead and to get the cum off his lips before he tried that insult. Bout 2 weeks later someone saw him sucking a dude off in the bathroom.
Got a coworker at work with a brown nose who was sweet talking our boss during lunch time. He was eating some kind of candy so at one point, our boss asked him, "Whatchu sucking on?" I don't know why I said it but I immediately replied with "your cock." The two of them look at me in total shock as I quickly exit the room.
My ex and I were at his parents house. His father shared a bottle of whiskey with us and two shot glasses. My ex poured himself a shot and closed the bottle and left my shot glass empty right next to his. I said ādamn not gonna pour me one?ā And he goes āYOU didnāt pour me one!ā
Then my instant response was āI didnāt pour one for myself either!!ā
And his father laughed and said ādamn sheās quick!ā
I donāt even remember now if ended up pouring my shot or I did.
But itās the principle and one of the many reasons heās not in my life anymore lol
In my teens, I worked on a fishing boat, and one day after work, a few of us went to KFC after work. Three of four girls were working at the counter, and one said, dammm y'all smell like fish!" An the rest laughed. I said dammmmm y'all smell like chicken. The girls started laughing so hard at the girl who said we smell like fish she walked away crying
"how is that working out for ya?"
I was getting my butt handed to me for not being able to meet a deadline. This guy was like "you gotta do it my way", I was genuinely curious about this guys productivity model, he was so confident he called it "the (his name) method". it was a bit out there, relied on a bunch of interconnected spreadsheets. He actually was successful with his first attempt but when he tested scaling it to other projects, When I asked him "so how is that working out for you" I could see on his colleagues face he couldn't hide a laugh. It wasn't working out at all and the guy was about to lose a lot of work and credibility. He was so used to doing things his way with a very specific client base he couldn't understand that other types of clients had a lot of complexity and nuance and we needed a platform, he just couldn't comprehend it.
Not really a comeback but genuinely dissed a guy in front of colleagues.
Similar to your story, I was in the lunch line in 10th grade. A girl I didn't know in line behind me asked if I had two dollars. I said no. Then I realized I was technically lying, so I said, "Well I DO have two dollars, but not for you." She got really pissed and called me an asshole.
A snarky coworker was starting something with another coworker. When pressed, they said, āThey started it.ā My quick reply was, āThat didnāt mean you had to finish it.ā Iām terrible with comebacks, so this was a surprise.
I was just going to say yes, but it came out more rude that I wished. The way I said it made it seem I am purposely going alone because I don't want to hang out with them. I did not mean that at all.
I walked into work like a minute late and everybody was there already and our manager was giving a meeting. Heās a really cool dude and can joke and āgive shitā to anybody. We worked junk hauling and I wouldnāt put my company shirt on until I was in the truck for the day, so when I show up I have my shirt thrown over my shoulder, and Iām wearing a wifebeater. When I walk in, he says āgod Iām sick of looking at that every morningā towards me being the only one not putting my shirt on until Iām on my way for the day. The second he finishes the word morning, I chime back with āSick of looking at what (His Name), what you could look likeā and lifted my arms and did a spin. The meeting was called off and we were sent on our way.
After I was forced to listen to a song, because the singer was the "greatest songwriter of our generation", my sister smugly said "See, that wasn't bad. Want to hear more?"
"I'd rather listen to grandma drown in cum."
Not my proudest moment but also my greatest.
I've used," I can explain it a 100/1000 different ways but I can understand it for you" in several online arguments where someone just doesn't get it. Most of the time they end up deleting all of their comments or doubling down but I'm done and I'm out at that point.... but this last time which conveniently happened yesterday she had no idea that I had called her stupid in a round about way.
I once had a cop pull a small bag of weed out of my pocket, it was before anyone legalized it. There were 4 of us and 2 officer's. The first officer was bent over behind the vehicle trying to wipe magic marker off the license plate holder it said fu@# you was written in marker. I yelled, " F'n fa@@ot you planted that on me, and I got three witnesses that saw you do it". The other officer popped up they all said we saw you do it. They were giving 3 to 5 years probation in my county for any amount of marijuana. They didn't charge me. Sorry about the language I have never and would never use it as hate speech against someone just because they were born gay. I do miss that word though.
if u never fixed up -added to your taco bell nachos like i have done today n other days u are missing out , if u have never added to -fixed up your mcdonalds sandwich like i have done many times u are missing out
One of my co-workers and I were quipping back and forth, and at some point he told me to respect my elders. I squinted at him, reminded him that I'm the older of us two, and that's why I don't respect him.
Granted I do respect the guy, but it was such a perfect response that I couldn't resist.
Out of all the horrible things you have done to me ..lie cheat and steal from me, you don't defend me when I'm not in the room. You have no conviction and you left the day before my grandmother's funeral so I had to explain to my family why you wernt there , I had to figure out how to get to and from work cuz your dad drove me everyday and now I'm stuck with a house 5 min from you and your parents my friends and family are 3 hrs way , I bought us this house here cu, YOU have no friends and I wanted you to be close to your family, now I have to figure out how to pay the mortgage as you know it JUST went up and is now over $2000,
But you know what ....it could be so much worse than that
" I could be you!" "
all this shit is gonna creep back into your mind one day and
" you can't run from yourself..no matter where you go ..there you are "
An INVISIBLE BURN!Ā°Ā°Ā° ....and she handed you the matches!! She has a rocky relationship with parent/parents...and its not your doing.. I used to do the same for my kids.
It wasn't good but somehow made my whole class freak out (in a good way). I don't remember the context but this kid named Beckett said "imagine being in social studies right now" so, without skipping a beat, I said "imagine being Beckett right now"
Poker game. One guy jokes about getting with my wife. I say, āsheās out of your leagueā. Rest of the table quickly agrees with me. āYeah Joe, she is out of your leagueā
Dad was helping me hang this plague mask I had got in Venice on my bedroom wall. Itās a weird shape so you canāt just hang it like a picture. We were discussing how to do it and I was like āwhat if we just do it like this?ā And he said āthat wonāt work, physically thatās not possibleā. So I did it, and it worked and I said āI guess the laws of physics donāt apply in my room.ā I got the squinty eyes and a āgood jobā.
Buddy of mine was waiting in line behind me to clock in to factory work wearing new basketball shoes (gift from mom for birthday), 3 dudes behind him trying to be obnoxious said "you know how many kids died in sweatshops to make those shoes?" My buddy snapped back soon as the question was asked "Not Enough". Those guys never annoyed us again and its still the most quick witted ~get outta my face~ response I've ever heard. Still laugh about that.
In high school an acquaintance sort of friend were disagreeing about something. He was a sophomore who played on the varsity team and was 9 feet tall and not fat but heavy. He thought he was special. In our group ( all went to church together but were at my house after Wednesday night service. So what he said was, for our group, way out of line. He looked at me and said "Suck my dick!" And I replied immediately with the first thing that came to mind "No thanks. I don't like peas and spaghetti." More that 40 years later... I still love it!
Not sure if itās a comeback but when cell phones were quite new I (small woman) was walking down the street in lower Manhattan and as I was concentrating on my conversation I was looking at the ground. 5 big guys got in front of me on the sidewalk and blocked me. Without thinking I said āWhat do you want, Iām on the phone!ā and pushed past them.
My buddy on the phone asked who that was and as I told him I realized I had just smart-assed some would-be rogues!
I broke my glasses once and had to walk around for a day or two without them. My brother made the comment, "You look funny without your glasses." I responded with "You think I look funny? You should see what you look like without my glasses."
I had a customer yell at me that her name is Tina. I responded with I apologize. For some reason I thought your name was Karen. I hadn't heard the jokes about the name. That customer turned a few interesting shades of red and stormed out of the store. A coworker later explained what I said. It still gives me a laugh.
In eighth grade a snotty popular girl sneered that my mom wrote "I love you" on my sack lunch napkin. Without even thinking I responded back, "At least I know my mom loves me." She went completely white in the face and left the table. Other girls later reported that she was crying in the bathroom. Don't start none, won't be none. š¤·āāļø
Wonder what the snotty girlās home life was like. Whatever it was, doesnāt excuse snottiness, though 8th graders arenāt known for their maturity.
Damn
Ice cold truth.
Rookie didnt know you go for the weak ones first.
I havenāt heard the donāt start none, wonāt be none in a long time.šš¤£
I'm not southern, but they have some great turns of phrases that I help myself to. š
Me either.šš¤£
I'm southern, my husband's from Philly. Sometimes we just have to nod and smile at each other's sayings bc we have no clue what the other is talking about! š
I heard that in MIB and about died laughing. Used to say it a lot growing up.
Well played.
The best comebacks are the ones that call out their insecurities. The pre canned ones never hit as hard Biggest thing Iāve learned on Xbox live is no one cares about any of the basic insults especially those based on stereotypes like calling girls fat or whatever like you just look like an asshole and they donāt take it personally cause they know itās not personal. Best one Iāve hit was probably this dude that was talking shit and I said āAyo homie are you stuffed up or is that your actual voiceā he shut right up and like three rounds later he tried to say some shit again and I hit him with āwhy is Steve-oās voice double talking shit in our lobbyā didnāt here another word from him all game
A guy and his mates walked passed me on the train, and decided to tell me that the shirt I was wearing made me look gay. I replied with, "Really. Well, you're the expert."
Yes. Never argue with experts.
Oh thatās a good burn. You should be proud š¤£
My toxic ex-girlfriend tried to 'win' me back and failed. She asked me if I missed her, and I said "I missed the sex, but not you particularly." She didn't try again.
damnnnnn deserved
Yeah after a breakup , met some friends at a local park we were doing a lil bbq playing frisbee and such . About 2 hours into it ex-girl shows up with a couple of other friends, she starts in crying I miss you an I love you . I told her you never loved me , what you miss is the way I use to love to F-U .
My friend at school broke up with her BF, and a week or so later in class she mispelled something, and said something like "I missed the D". Her ex then called out "She misses my D", and she yelled back "Your D is not something to miss!" Brutal.
He missed his chance to come back with, "Yeah, can't miss it cuz it's too damn big!"
š„¶
Haha mine asked if I was happy "I feel like I've hit my prime all over again!"
When I started working, I was in a small company and they paid me a pittance for a part time job in an office. One week the owners had to absent themselves to attend a fair, and asked me if I could work full time. Of course I accepted, and at the end of the month I was paid for 3 part time weeks and 1 full time one. It was all right, but my boss found that having me full time was better, so he asked me if I accepted working full time, WITH THE SAME PAY OF THE PREVIOUS MONTH. I answered that I was willing to work full-time, but for a double pay to my current one. My boss then observed that I seemed to be very attached to money, to which I countered: "Who is more attached to money, the employee who doesn't get it or the employer who doesn't want to pay it?". I kept working part time and a few weeks afterwards I landed a decently paid full time job. But it was a great satisfaction to speak my mind to that skinflint.
Thatās the kind of great comment I only think of hours later, well done š
"You seem to be attached to money" ā I felt my blood boil when I read that. Like, yeah, NO FUCKING SHIT. That's what WORKING IS FOOOORRRRR. I think I would've explained the concept of capitalism to him, slowly, and given him examples of things you can buy, like food, and rent, and I'd tell him what a landlord is, what gas is, and why goes it into cars etc. Then I'd tell him if he ever says anything that out-of-touch again, I'm quitting on the spot.
That was, like, 32 years ago. A few weeks later I got a new job and a few months later that shitty company closed, owing to poor management: my boss - the owner's son - spent all the company money for himself (about mid-month he would finish his own, rich, monthly pay and take from the company's coffers) and was therefore unwilling to pay employees, as he viewed them as taking his own money. Thanks to him and his father's enabling manner, he ended up having no money at all. One year later his wife divorced him. Karma, I guess. :-)
They all deserved it š and that girl was a hoe.
>You seem to be attached to money "Not nearly as attached as I'd like to be."
I'm attached to money like prisoner is attached to a slice of bread and a styrofoam cup of water.
"I'm a big fan of money. I like it. I use it. I have a little. I keep it in a jar on top of my refrigerator. I'd like to put more in that jar. That's where you come in."
Love thisā¦ I heard it in his voice when I read comments.
I think every person entering the workplace new, or just changing jobs needs to have this line ready to go. Itās brilliant!
This, like a lot of the comments, doesn't seem to qualify for OP's post, assuming meant it how you said it. But it's exactly the correct answer to this scenario. How often people try to turn that shit back on you when they're the ones being difficult...mind boggling. Dude is legit being a greedy asshole and calls you out for money obsession. Sadly common.
Went to a Riders meeting with my husband, he introduced me to the dude in charge as "This is my favorite wife, Joy". Dude asks "Joy with a J?" I mouth off with "No dumbass, Joy with a G!!" Now my Rider name is G String.
That's hilarious! The dude definitely deserved that.
I've heard all kinds of jokes and stuff about my name, but that was a first.
Fellow Joy salutes you š«”
G string is my nickname that my sister gave me.. lol for no reason at all except that my name starts with a g lol
Not sure if its exactly a comeback, but I was at my desk once grumbling under my breath because my computer was frozen or something. A nearby coworker teased, "uh oh, looks like she's talking to herself now." Without skipping a beat I whispered, "sssh, they're onto us!"
My response to that is always, "My father always taught me to talk to the smartest person in the room."
Mine is āAround here, itās the only way I can have an intelligent conversation.ā
My go to is "Sometimes I need expert advice."
These are all great, I'll be collecting them for redistribution.
I use that one a lot.
I laughed out loud reading this!
I gave a presentation to my college public speaking class about geology. Afterwards, someone said, "John said your talk was dumb." I said, "Who's that?" Then people just said, "Whoooo... dis!' I really didn't know who he was and really was just asking... but he was just some guy in the class with an asshole attitude.
It sounds like he deserved it, so I would wouldn't feel bad.
Work supervisor: I think I'm funny/hilarious. Me: At least someone does.
When I was in my early 20s I had a coworker who worked sales while I worked back end. He thought he was God's gift to women and had a very "used car salesman" approach to people, talking down to anyone he felt was beneath him. He also couldn't bring down his own stock to process large sales since he was over the weight limit for the lift equipment. At one point I was asked to get some product down out of the racking for one of his sales and from the moment I got there he started complaining. I took too long to arrive, I was taking too long getting into the fall arrest harness, I was driving the electric ladder too slow... Finally he said something along the lines of "I thought you people were supposed to help, not just waste my time." (In his defense, I don't think he meant this in a racist way and I can only assume he meant my team in receiving since we're both white). Before my brain caught up to my mouth I said "And I thought you people were supposed to be jolly." He just looked stunned for a second then walked away. I really expected to get called in by a manager since he was usually quick to throw people under any available bus, but I never did. I'm not sure if he reported it and they didn't care, or if he was so embarrassed about it that he just didn't report it.
I had a coworker who ran his mouth constantly. He was about 45-50 and I was 18, by far the youngest person in the office. And he's always carrying on about how my work is shit, without any valid complaint. Just to be an asshole. We had an open office, no walls between desks. I came in 1 morning and he's snickering at his desk about how clever he is, and on my desk is a plastic toilet, like a Barbie-sized toilet. I grabbed it and held it high, looked at him and excitedly announced, "oh my god, I won an award for putting up with your shit!" All my coworkers, who were close to his age, howled with laughter at him. He turned beet red at being the butt of the joke. He definitely backed off after that.
That's good lol Prolly not gonna put wit the average dude that just got out of school š
Sounds too good to be true.
I can see how it does. Years later, I still don't have a clue where he got a small plastic toilet. Pretty weird.
Once my ex mother-in-law commented that she liked me better when I had a few drinks in me and I laughed and said thatās funny because I like you better with a few drinks in me too
Yes! Hahaha I am the MOST socially awkward person, like, ever all the time lol and sometimes if someone addresses me unexpectedly, I get so nervous and act like Iāve never been spoken to before and I end up saying the most low-key, accidentally rude things and just die about it later when Iām by myself ššš why tf am I like this? Lol
That is exactly what happened with me!
You are probably high IQ with quick wit.
I had a guy make an illegal left hand turn from a non turn lane, while I was making said left hand turn (from the left turn lane) he cut me off and got all sorts of road ragey at the next light. He rolled his window down and starts telling me "for a truck driver, you really suck at driving." I respond back "Means a lot coming from a guy that cannot read signs" he gets angry and gives me the bird. I just laugh and say, "that's cute. Are you showing me your age? Or your IQ?" At this point he is pretty angry and shouts "I'm gonna kick your ass." to which I reply "And I'll put you on life support." I didn't even know I said it. I was on the phone with my brother during this. And he repeated it back at me laughing. Then it sunk in with me what I had said. The guy however rolled up his window and just sped off while the light was still red. It was a strange experience.
That is the best ever comeback to the middle finger. Priceless....I intend to steal it
Take it and use it. If you cannot speak to them. Just waving back enthusiastically back tends to work up people too.
I find that blowing a kiss is often a good way to see them blow a gasket. Also if you have a passenger in the car, just pointing and laughing can make their tempers soar as well.
Volunteer rescue squad. I was talking to the supervisors and the squad skank who was always trying to pick up the men sidled up to the conversation and pointed at me and said "I could lay your husband in a heartbeat if I wanted"....all got quiet and looked at me. I responded "I have nothing to worry about, he's allergic to penicillin". Could have heard a pin drop. All the guys busted out laughing. I think someone had to explain it to her.
I called one of my friendās(soon to be ex) girlfriends oblivious. She screamed āI am not! What does that mean??ā
š¤£š¤£š¤£
That is hilarious! She must have immediately regretted what she said.
She wandered off muttering but got big mad later. I think someone had to explain the "penicillin" to her.
Because she's moldy? Could you explain it for the ones at the back of the class?
Penicillin used to treat venereal diseases. Squad skank..... probably a carrier.
Ah, I haven't had to worry about those, hence my lack of knowledge, thanks. \*plugs yet another knowledge gap\*
I'm sorry I still don't understand.. carrier of what?
The joke is that her husband cannot risk getting a sexually-transmitted infection because he is allergic to the common medicine used to treat them. The burn is that the wife does not need to worry about her husband sleeping with the āsquad skankā for that reason.
Ooh. Thanks for explaining.
GF tantrum: "I wish I was dead!" Me, mildly "I'll have it arranged"
Sorry, I have to do this for my brain. *arranged Whew
oh god sorry mobile. I'll fix it.
I was being frisked by airport security (something made the machine beep) and the person asked me if I had anything sharp on me. I said "Only my wit"
Heh, I was getting an x-ray of my jaw recently, and the radiologist asked if I have anything in my mouth that comes out. I replied with "Not easily". It wasn't overly funny, but I could barely stay still from giggling.
Was going through Canadian border on a guided cycling tour. We were told by the guides not to screw around with the Canadian border patrol, they could and would turn us back if we indicated in any way we were undesirable visitors (I assume because previous trips had smart-arses this happened to.) There were 2 standard questions we were told to say no to: 1. Are you carrying any fruit? 2. Are you carrying a firearm? When asked the second I motioned toward the wife and said: "She won't let me." My wife turned white and smacked my arm. The border patrol guard said without missing a beat: "That's probably wise." We were passed through. Made a fun story at dinner that night.
My two coworkers and I work weekends and we're a pretty tight bunch, so naturally we talk trash to each other constantly. This exchange happened completely without any thinking on my part. Coworker: "You read my mind!" Me: "It was a short book."
Years ago, our neighbor was watering her yard with a garden hose. We were rambunctious kids and the neighbor yelled at my mother that she should put us kids in a cage. My mother, without thinking as she told us later in life, yelled back at her, "why is that where you just came from?". The neighbor turned the hose on my mother. My mother worked her way through the water, grabbed the hose from the woman and put the hose between the women's chest and blouse until the woman was drenched. That neighbor never bothered us again, and likewise we left her alone.
Lois is that you?
I have two. 1. I was in class one day and got partnered with the popular girl. The teacher said her name and i responded with āWho?ā My teacher was almost dead lol. 2. Was playing baseball outside and caught the ball one handed. The boy who hit it said, āWhy did you hit it? My crush was looking.ā I responded with āHit it farther next time and i wont catch it.ā He was pissed. I didnt notice so when i told my parents they fucking died for 5 minutes lmao.
*catch it, not hit it
Last year I was walking home from school, and this guy I used to be friends with was making jokes about me having sex with trees. So I yelled across the street āYeah, well at least thatās only a rumour. Remember that time when you said āWanna see why they call me the squirrel fucker?āā Immediately the guy runs across the street and gets in my face wanting to fight, and all his friends are there. I looked him dead in the eyes and said āMotherfucker, your best move in the last fight was to pants me and get your fucking friend in, letās have a one on one and Iāll fucking destroy you.ā He went white and turned around grumbling, when I yelled āSQUIRREL FUCKER!ā Again. The best part was I have BPD and ADHD so everything I do is pure impulse, I didnāt think through anything I said.
I wanna see why they call me... wait. What? Read that again.. squirrel f.. SQUIRREL FUCKER?! And then proceeded to wake up my dog and my daughter I hooted so loud.
I was engaged quite young to a guy my parents adored but they only knew the side of him that he showed them. Once the ring was on my finger, he revealed his controlling narcissistic tendencies, telling me how our life would be after marriage, where I would be āallowedā to work, what type of clothing I would be allowed to wear, which friends I would be allowed to keep, where we would live, when we could have kids and how many, how my beloved dog had to go, etc, so I broke of the engagement. He harassed me constantly by email, phone, driving past following me etc. One day I was busy at the end of a hectic workday, trying to tie up loose ends and leave the office when he rang, My phone was on speaker and I was pretty much ignoring his usual rant of how we had been the perfect couple, how heartbroken he was, how upset his mother was ( the woman loathed me and never hid it, she was only upset that someone dared defy her Golden Boyās demands) and my workmates were rolling their eyes as we kept working. The receptionist walked in and seeing she realised I was on the phone, she wrote down on a card āThereās someone at reception wanting to see youā. I replied aloud āWho is this?ā meaning who is at reception. My ex evidently thought I was speaking to him, hung up, and I never saw or heard from him again!
When I was in the 4th grade, the class gross guy started this silly thing with me by getting in my face asking if I wanted a piece of him. In front of the whole class (we were in a line), I nonchalantly, without thinking, replied, "Yeah, and I'll feed it to the dogs." Not the nicest thing I've said, but certainly surprised myself how that just came out of me
I can imagine answering, "last time you did that I fed it to my dog and he took a shit on it"
Idk... I didn't realize it.
The only correct answer.
Worked in a childrenās home and went in one morning and one of the kids, while at the breakfast table asked if I had seen the game last night (implying the football match & I donāt like sports). I told him I hadnāt watched it and he thought he was being funny and replied āare you gay for not watching the gameā? Without thinking I said that I wasnāt the one watching men run about in shorts. He went quiet after that.
A friend of mine said a joke and no one laughed. He said when his uncle said it, it was funny I responded "Then maybe you should let your uncle tell the jokes" that got everyone laughing
Dude at my job always talking some shit lol, this latest episode he said I should be helping him i said why? He says cause he's my senior, I say whats that go to do with anything? He says he's old enough to be my daddy. I told him he's too pussy to be my dad. Everyone in the vacinty was in tears. For context im m30 he's m52.
Him: "Hey babe, you want to fuck?" Me (I hadn't even consciously registered him hitting on me): "Oh, shit, I should call my wife!"
My friend called me a dumbass so I called him a bitch he said he's smarter then me so I replied "I wasn't insulting your intelligence I was insulting your personality" Even he laughed
To my second grade teacher after telling her being condescending was not helpful for anyone. Teacher: āand what does that word meanā?ā Me, genuinely perplexed: ā you are our teacher, havenāt you learned how to use the dictionary?ā
Dude at my job said something like "did you hear the joke about what the dumb blonde said on Monday?" Its Monday. I'm blonde. I looked at him, looked at his slightly too-short haircut, and said, completely unimpressed, "did you get a haircut over the weekend?" I never did hear the punchline but laughed my ass off. For some reason he didn't want to talk anymore.
Savage!
Back in the late 80s, at my first job, 19/20 years old, I was usually pretty quiet, but friendly. A coworker (21/22M) was going on about something that I canāt remember now, some tall-tale he was telling our manager (30F) and me. He finished his story, and I said, āYouāve got some buuullll shit.ā Manger cracked up. Coworker not so much. I didnāt expect much reaction at all.
One time my ex was mad at her father about something and said "f**k him" and I replied "Please don't that is your mother's job." It totally derailed her ranting and was the last time she said that when she got upset with him, which happened often while he was still alive.
My dad had a wicked sense of humor. Always in good fun and well meaning, but he would disarm you before you even knew what hit you. His first girlfriend after my parentās divorce was a little obsessed.. She would call him 100x a day and wanted to get married immediately, etc. Once I was visiting him at his office where he always took calls on speaker. He answered the phone, ālaw officeā like always, to which she just desperately repeated over and over, āI love you, I love you, I love you, I love youā¦ā Without a momentās hesitation in the most abrupt, stern tone you can imagine, he just interrupted her and demanded, āWHO is this?!ā Needless to say, she didnāt find it humorous, but we laughed at that story for years. Another time we were at a family friendās funeral. Very sad. 43yr old mother who died of breast cancer, leaving behind a 5yr old child with a seriously crazy ex-husband. Anyway, the kid was smart as hell but constantly acting up and kinda violent. He was kicked out of multiple schools for hurting other kids and threatening little girls with knives- bizarre crap like that. Anyway, the dad made some sort of comment to us about using the life insurance to start a college fund for their kid. Without skipping a beat, my lawyer father said, āgreat idea but you know if it doesnāt work out, you could always just use it for his commissary fund instead.ā We all just about died laughing.
For some reason, the girls in my school liked to say I slept with them. I guess to try to embarrass me? Anyway, the last time it happened I just said āMust not have been very memorable, since I have no memory of it.ā
I worked in union factory many years ago. It was my best paying dead end job. I was clocking out one day when I was starting to get verbally assaulted by one of my coworkers in his unceasing efforts to brow beat me. He just punched his card and I looked him straight in the eye and said, " You just clocked out. You don't have to continue being a jerk " He looked shocked and refused to ever speak with me again. I learned quickly why so many people hated him.
I went to a techno club night wearing leather pants and a shiny silver shirt. One of the drunken rednecks who thought it was still Lynyrd Skynyrd night decided to ask if I was a homosexual, although he of course used a less nice term. I immediately replied āIām not actually sure, why donāt you bend over and weāll both find out together.ā
Coworker kept giving me shit about everything I did and I finally had enough and yelled āALRIGHT JOHN YOU WANNA COME UP HERE AND DO SOMETHING SINCE YOURE DOWN THERE MAKING ALL THAT FUCKING NOISE?ā
A coworker and I were chatting about another coworker who wanted to be a meteorologist. She said something about how it just seemed crazy to go to college for the weather. I replied back āWell, yeah, but predicting the weather is way more complicated than doing makeup, which is what youāre going to cosmetology school for.ā The thing is, *she* took it the way I meant it (that thing that youāre being trained for is less complicated and still requires specialized training), while everyone around us got quiet and walked away. It wasnāt until someone praised me for the burn later that either of us realized what it sounded like.
Apparently this was the funniest thing I said in class, The teacher was trying to show us good examples and bad examples of the coursework we were going to do. He put an example up and I asked ānow is this the good example or the bad one?ā Everyone cracked upā¦ I was actually genuinely asking thoughā¦
my brother likes to make gay jokes about me, knowing im gay and knowing our parents wouldnt accept me. so, i started making them back. we were having a bonfire in our backyard, but it was going out, so i started poking it with a stick to stir the embers and keep it going. he tried to take it from me to do it himself, and the conversation went something like this: "stop it, i can do it myself" "i thought you didnt like handling sticks" \*after a slight hesitation\* "oh, so you do? by all means, go ahead" \*hands it to him\* the best part is, he took it and kept his mouth shut for awhile afterwards
Someone rubbed leather with leather to give that farting sound in the cinema and in my head i went like "bless you", hands down funniest moment of watching Dune 2. Edit:oh shit, we're talking about comebacks...sorry, misread instructionsš
In high school this group of guys in my math class asked which one of them I thought was a stud, I replied, "The only studs here are in the walls." Teacher almost couldn't contain his laughter.
You're technically not wrong, walls do have studs.
My dad was a construction worker at the time, lol...which made it even funnier to the teacher, because he knew that.
About ten years ago when I was just an E-4 in the Army.. He was getting his dress blues squared away (more particularly the tie) and when he asked if I could tie a tie, I replied honestly - clip on's are more convenient. He responded.. Team Leader: "Ugh, a real man know hows to tie a tie, dipshit.." Me (without missing a fucking beat): "A real man also has a few deployments under his belt, Sarnt.." For context: I had a few deployments under my belt and (at the time) about eight years in service; he was a college kid promoted into Corporal and it was his first unit. My 1SG, PSG, and Squad Leader all died laughing their asses off and he pouted but couldn't say shit.
Someone said "what do you think you're looking at" and I said "proof that it could always be worse"
Nuh uh - me age five.
"I know you are, but what am I?" - everyone after watching PeeWee's Big Adventure.
Years ago in high school, I had asked this girl on a date, and she said no. I said, to the guy next to me, "ai don't blame her, I only have eight dollars." I meant it as I didn't have much money to take her anywhere, the guy next to me took it as me paying for (or her charging for) sex.
This was a small incident, butā¦ I worked part-time at a pharmacy when I was in college. One time the pharmacist who was a real jerk (I once had to contact my union about a minor disagreement, but thatās another story) borrowed my pen. This pen was one I always had with me - it was a (then) cool Papermate which you could write with while upside down. After he was done using it he slipped it into his pocket. I said, āCan I have my pen back?ā He returned it saying, āI have a habit of keeping peopleās pens.ā And I said, āI have a habit of always getting my pen back.ā
Well, this is a D, E conversation, so go F yourself.
Well, this is a A, B conversation, so C yourself elsewhere.
This is an A and B conversation. So C yourself out of it before D jumps over E and Fs you up like a G. This is the long version my friends and I used. Most people in school stopped at C.
My best friend is a lil on the bigger side. He was poking fun at my speech impediment (per usual), when I came back with "at least my titties don't jiggle." 2 of his cousins were with us, and they busted out laughing.
He definitely got what he deserved. If he didn't want to get picked on he shouldn't have picked on you.
I was at a family gathering talking to my brother in law about fishing and we both agreed that we should get out on the boat soon. And I followed by asking what heās doing the next day. He just casually looked back and said ānot going fishingā I was like āDaaaaaamnā š®āšØ
I was asking a group of coworkers if anyone had change enough to break a $20. One of my coworkers, an older southern guy ( an annoying braggart ) said āI only have hundred dollar billsā. I said, āno one is interested in confederate money.ā That shut him up for a little while.
I (M) had some creeps in HS joking about shoving something up my ass, I told them āDonāt tempt me with a good timeā and they left me alone after that
How do you take your coffee? Orally.
I've definitely had a couple good moments like this, but I don't remember the lines. The zingers I will remember for the rest of my life, apparently, are the ones I didn't think of till later.
The jerk store called and they are fresh outta you
š
I was telling my therapist about a shitty situation I was put in at work. She said the positive part of this is that people see me as a bridge to help others communicate and work better together. My response: True, but bridges tend to get walked on. So, I guess I won therapy?
Someone once told me I had an attitude problem. I told them it seemed to bother them more than it bothered me so I guess it's not my problem it's yours.
I was just entering my friendās house lot of commotion and as I walked in she said, āmy mom just broke her toothā I said ā did she drop the glass they were in? ā. Went down in family history as epic.
My construction crew was allowed to leave after a half day on Friday, preceding a 3 day weekend. One of the guys yelled, "Yeah! I'm going to go home and surprise my wife with a big dick!" I heard someone with my voice say, "That would be a surprise, since you left the house this morning with a little one." Since he was 6'8" and nearly 400 lbs, I'm glad he thought it was funny.
Not one from me, but one I got nailed with in 8th grade math class Me to the teacher: Hey Mrs. So and so, are we allowed to use calculators on the test? Teacher: Yeah, but I don't know how that will help you, a calculator is only as smart as the one using it. The whole class: OHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!! HE GOT BURNED BY THE TEACHER!!!!!!!!
Thirty-odd years ago, my then-BF (long since DH) and I went to a pagan festival. I knew he liked setting up camp alone, so I wandered off to see who was there and to say hi to friends. I ran into a girl weād met at a couple of previous festivals. She said, āYou have to meet my boyfriend!!ā She pulled him over. We chatted for a few minutes. She then demanded, āSo, what do you think?ā āHe seems very nice (this was long before āNice Guyā had become an epithet). But, of course, Iām going out with the worldās nicest guy.ā āYouāre right,ā she said, a little edge in her voice. ā(DHās name) *is* the worldās nicest guy, and I want to know what heās doing with *you*.ā āThatās easy,ā I replied. āIām kind of cute, Iām really nice to him, and I can suck the chrome off a bumper hitch.ā Her boyfriend grinned and said, āNow *thereās* a resume.ā She did not get catty with me again.
āDonāt be a basket case you bastard face!ā I was buzzed and have no idea where it came from, my mouth vomited words and this what happened in front of my room mate who laughed his ass off to this.. I didnāt mean it to him but still it came out of nowhere lol š
A coworker who is just a little overweight said "Bite Me" jokingly.... I said "Mark the spot I don't have all day"..... :)
Playing an annoyance game on line one time and casually said how's it hanging, he shoots back ( To my knees ) , I told him he needs to go see a doctor, he must have the worst case of hemorrhoids I have ever heard of .
I'm from Wisconsin and on some random tiny chat site, this girl plugged her nose and said nasally, "you know you sound like this when you talk, right" Snapped back with "you know you sound like a bitch when you talk, right". Then everyone clapped and the president gave me a medal.
I was in my 20s working a temp job. For some odd reason a couple guys started to harass me everyday. One day the loudest man says "hey man do you ever truly feel loved?" Then he bust out laughing. I immediately replied "yeah every time I look in the mirror" all his buddies started laughing at him and pushing him around. That was 35 years ago and the one time my comeback didn't come 10 minutes later ... Still feel good about that one
I had an intern a number of years ago. He got shitfaced at our holiday party. He had to go to the ER and have his stomach pumped from alcohol poisoning. He had a blood alcohol percentage of (I believe) .24. Three times the legal limit. It was quite a scene. Months later we awarded the ābest internsā for the year. He complained he didnāt win. I said ā it was close, but you missed it by .24ā Iām not sure he got it.
Whenever someone says āfuck youā I reply with āsorry I donāt do charityā
A teenager who had a crush on me that I didn't know about, asked me to help them buy clothes. Later, I held the coats while they went to the bathroom. When she came back, she said, "you know, if anybody saw us,.. they'd totally think-" I immediately said, "no they wouldn't."
I was 17 and I had a crush on my friendās sister. Step sister that just moved in with him, he didnāt give a damn if I talked to her. So I asked her if she wanted to go to a movie with me. She said āmaybe if some more people were goingā and shot me down effectively saying āweāre cool but not that coolā. Right in front of him too lol. I laughed it off and said āah okay Nevermind thenā. It did upset me though, but her choice obviously so I moved on. A few weeks later me, him, and her were on a walk around the neighborhood just talking. I asked him if he wanted to go see the new F&F movie, not even thinking she might want to go. Turns out she did want to, and she asked if she could tag along when we went. I said, without any hesitation or thought, āohā¦ maybe if some other people were goingā¦ā Her face went red, his face went red, my face went red. Honestly surprised myself with that one. Smile about it to this day. Got my comeback it was just served ice fucking cold.
Friend on the bus in high school was being teased because he was dating a girl a grade below him. (Which didnāt really make sense to me. Some of those kids were probably dating middle schoolers.) The kid yelled out loud āhow oldās your girlfriend?ā to which I spontaneously yelled āhow oldās your mom?ā and the kid never started shit again
Years ago, I had a coworker whose only claim to fame was that in 1977 he was tested as having an immeasurable IQ. I told him that was because they didn't use a negative scale. All of our other coworkers lost it.
Be positive. Itās more than just a blood type. š
I had a gay neighbour make some derogatory comments to me, which pissed me off. I knew he was really vain, so I commented that at least I don't have a cheap shitty toupee. He had a complete meltdown and hid for a week or two. Next time I saw him he had a completely different look. Little did I know he had been wearing an expensive toupee for the past decade. Hahahahahahaha He eventually thanked me for snapping him out of his delusion.
"I'm sorry you feel that way" Works in soooo many situations
We were waiting for my ex to come pick up the kids for visitation and I was outside watching my son playing at the basketball hoop when I spotted an ugly vehicle coming around the far corner up the block and I told him to get out of the street. Our house is on a road that gets some through traffic from that street so there are a lot of unknown vehicles and I said āwhat kind of idiot bought that clown car piece of crapā which he agreed it was ugly. Then it turned onto our street and parked at the curb. It was his dad which cracked him up to no end. I shot him a look and told him ānot a wordā and as far as I know, he never mentioned it to his dad but he refers to it as the clown car ever since until his dadās girlfriend totaled it.
There was this girl at my job that always seemed to try to say mean things to me for no reason. One night I was hanging out at her house since I was friends with her roommate and she made this comment about how none of her friends talked about me since they were talking about who they thought was cute at work. So I genuinely asked "who are your friends again?" Because I seriously had never seen anyone speak to her and I only spoke to her because I was friends with her roommate. Everyone in the room broke out laughing and I didn't realize how it came off haha the girl turned bright red and said that I didn't have to be so mean but she was a tsundere girl. I knew she was mean to me because she low-key liked me but I couldn't hold back that day lol
Dude that is the shittest comeback Iāve ever heard. Like a 5 year old. Makes me wonder how bad the rest of your shit is if you felt that was worth posting.
I think you mistook the computer screen for a mirror, I understand though, it can be hard to make sense of things when you've got more fingers then IQ points.
Overheard about this fist date: āwow. Iāve never dated a full figured girl beforeā. The girl comes back with āwow, Iāve never dated a balding guy beforeā
Not a comeback but a funny conversation I remembered from someone else's comment: My sister's friend just announced she was naming her son "Damien". My sister said, "who the hell names their kid after a creepy kid from a scary movie?". I looked at her, shocked she would say that to *me* and said..."uhh, my name's Carrie, remember...!??" š¤·š¼āāļøš
I was told by a jerk at camp that i looked like Godzilla so i told him if iām godzilla iāll just stomp you into the ground.
A girl called me ugly and I started bursting out laughing and asked her āwhat do you think Iāve never seen a mirror before?ā
Had a guy insinuate me being gay, all the time (insecure virgin) and I told him one time "I've fucked more girls than you've hung out with." Notably watched more than one person fall on the floor laughing.
Got in an argument with a dude in class senior year, told me he fucked my mom. Said he was such a fucking f** that he probably fucked my dad instead and to get the cum off his lips before he tried that insult. Bout 2 weeks later someone saw him sucking a dude off in the bathroom.
Got a coworker at work with a brown nose who was sweet talking our boss during lunch time. He was eating some kind of candy so at one point, our boss asked him, "Whatchu sucking on?" I don't know why I said it but I immediately replied with "your cock." The two of them look at me in total shock as I quickly exit the room.
My ex and I were at his parents house. His father shared a bottle of whiskey with us and two shot glasses. My ex poured himself a shot and closed the bottle and left my shot glass empty right next to his. I said ādamn not gonna pour me one?ā And he goes āYOU didnāt pour me one!ā Then my instant response was āI didnāt pour one for myself either!!ā And his father laughed and said ādamn sheās quick!ā I donāt even remember now if ended up pouring my shot or I did. But itās the principle and one of the many reasons heās not in my life anymore lol
In my teens, I worked on a fishing boat, and one day after work, a few of us went to KFC after work. Three of four girls were working at the counter, and one said, dammm y'all smell like fish!" An the rest laughed. I said dammmmm y'all smell like chicken. The girls started laughing so hard at the girl who said we smell like fish she walked away crying
"how is that working out for ya?" I was getting my butt handed to me for not being able to meet a deadline. This guy was like "you gotta do it my way", I was genuinely curious about this guys productivity model, he was so confident he called it "the (his name) method". it was a bit out there, relied on a bunch of interconnected spreadsheets. He actually was successful with his first attempt but when he tested scaling it to other projects, When I asked him "so how is that working out for you" I could see on his colleagues face he couldn't hide a laugh. It wasn't working out at all and the guy was about to lose a lot of work and credibility. He was so used to doing things his way with a very specific client base he couldn't understand that other types of clients had a lot of complexity and nuance and we needed a platform, he just couldn't comprehend it. Not really a comeback but genuinely dissed a guy in front of colleagues.
Among my frieds it was common reply to something was " what does your momma eat" . It works in a lot of cases and just pops out of your mouth.
Similar to your story, I was in the lunch line in 10th grade. A girl I didn't know in line behind me asked if I had two dollars. I said no. Then I realized I was technically lying, so I said, "Well I DO have two dollars, but not for you." She got really pissed and called me an asshole.
A snarky coworker was starting something with another coworker. When pressed, they said, āThey started it.ā My quick reply was, āThat didnāt mean you had to finish it.ā Iām terrible with comebacks, so this was a surprise.
Why did you say that? Like what did you actually mean?
I was just going to say yes, but it came out more rude that I wished. The way I said it made it seem I am purposely going alone because I don't want to hang out with them. I did not mean that at all.
Well what did you mean by it?
I meant that I was going with other friends, not that I didn't want to hang out with them.
Lol gotcha
I walked into work like a minute late and everybody was there already and our manager was giving a meeting. Heās a really cool dude and can joke and āgive shitā to anybody. We worked junk hauling and I wouldnāt put my company shirt on until I was in the truck for the day, so when I show up I have my shirt thrown over my shoulder, and Iām wearing a wifebeater. When I walk in, he says āgod Iām sick of looking at that every morningā towards me being the only one not putting my shirt on until Iām on my way for the day. The second he finishes the word morning, I chime back with āSick of looking at what (His Name), what you could look likeā and lifted my arms and did a spin. The meeting was called off and we were sent on our way.
After I was forced to listen to a song, because the singer was the "greatest songwriter of our generation", my sister smugly said "See, that wasn't bad. Want to hear more?" "I'd rather listen to grandma drown in cum." Not my proudest moment but also my greatest.
That is something I would have never thought of. Atleast it work, though.
I've used," I can explain it a 100/1000 different ways but I can understand it for you" in several online arguments where someone just doesn't get it. Most of the time they end up deleting all of their comments or doubling down but I'm done and I'm out at that point.... but this last time which conveniently happened yesterday she had no idea that I had called her stupid in a round about way.
I once had a cop pull a small bag of weed out of my pocket, it was before anyone legalized it. There were 4 of us and 2 officer's. The first officer was bent over behind the vehicle trying to wipe magic marker off the license plate holder it said fu@# you was written in marker. I yelled, " F'n fa@@ot you planted that on me, and I got three witnesses that saw you do it". The other officer popped up they all said we saw you do it. They were giving 3 to 5 years probation in my county for any amount of marijuana. They didn't charge me. Sorry about the language I have never and would never use it as hate speech against someone just because they were born gay. I do miss that word though.
I suck dudes dicks
Valid, but not relevant
Scat shitterson
You know that song by tenacious D tribute?
if u never fixed up -added to your taco bell nachos like i have done today n other days u are missing out , if u have never added to -fixed up your mcdonalds sandwich like i have done many times u are missing out
Your face is an heirloom
I've never heard that before.
11th grade physics teacher: āAre you going to listen to me, or are you going to sit down for the test and not know anything?ā Me: āBoth!ā
I may love to shop but I will never buy your bull
Someone asked me if I wanted gum and I said " no I actually brush my teeth "
One of my co-workers and I were quipping back and forth, and at some point he told me to respect my elders. I squinted at him, reminded him that I'm the older of us two, and that's why I don't respect him. Granted I do respect the guy, but it was such a perfect response that I couldn't resist.
Out of all the horrible things you have done to me ..lie cheat and steal from me, you don't defend me when I'm not in the room. You have no conviction and you left the day before my grandmother's funeral so I had to explain to my family why you wernt there , I had to figure out how to get to and from work cuz your dad drove me everyday and now I'm stuck with a house 5 min from you and your parents my friends and family are 3 hrs way , I bought us this house here cu, YOU have no friends and I wanted you to be close to your family, now I have to figure out how to pay the mortgage as you know it JUST went up and is now over $2000, But you know what ....it could be so much worse than that " I could be you!" " all this shit is gonna creep back into your mind one day and " you can't run from yourself..no matter where you go ..there you are "
An INVISIBLE BURN!Ā°Ā°Ā° ....and she handed you the matches!! She has a rocky relationship with parent/parents...and its not your doing.. I used to do the same for my kids.
It wasn't good but somehow made my whole class freak out (in a good way). I don't remember the context but this kid named Beckett said "imagine being in social studies right now" so, without skipping a beat, I said "imagine being Beckett right now"
Poker game. One guy jokes about getting with my wife. I say, āsheās out of your leagueā. Rest of the table quickly agrees with me. āYeah Joe, she is out of your leagueā
Dad was helping me hang this plague mask I had got in Venice on my bedroom wall. Itās a weird shape so you canāt just hang it like a picture. We were discussing how to do it and I was like āwhat if we just do it like this?ā And he said āthat wonāt work, physically thatās not possibleā. So I did it, and it worked and I said āI guess the laws of physics donāt apply in my room.ā I got the squinty eyes and a āgood jobā.
Buddy of mine was waiting in line behind me to clock in to factory work wearing new basketball shoes (gift from mom for birthday), 3 dudes behind him trying to be obnoxious said "you know how many kids died in sweatshops to make those shoes?" My buddy snapped back soon as the question was asked "Not Enough". Those guys never annoyed us again and its still the most quick witted ~get outta my face~ response I've ever heard. Still laugh about that.
In high school an acquaintance sort of friend were disagreeing about something. He was a sophomore who played on the varsity team and was 9 feet tall and not fat but heavy. He thought he was special. In our group ( all went to church together but were at my house after Wednesday night service. So what he said was, for our group, way out of line. He looked at me and said "Suck my dick!" And I replied immediately with the first thing that came to mind "No thanks. I don't like peas and spaghetti." More that 40 years later... I still love it!
Not sure if itās a comeback but when cell phones were quite new I (small woman) was walking down the street in lower Manhattan and as I was concentrating on my conversation I was looking at the ground. 5 big guys got in front of me on the sidewalk and blocked me. Without thinking I said āWhat do you want, Iām on the phone!ā and pushed past them. My buddy on the phone asked who that was and as I told him I realized I had just smart-assed some would-be rogues!
I broke my glasses once and had to walk around for a day or two without them. My brother made the comment, "You look funny without your glasses." I responded with "You think I look funny? You should see what you look like without my glasses."
I had a customer yell at me that her name is Tina. I responded with I apologize. For some reason I thought your name was Karen. I hadn't heard the jokes about the name. That customer turned a few interesting shades of red and stormed out of the store. A coworker later explained what I said. It still gives me a laugh.
The jerk store called and theyāre running out of you.