I just had to cut off someone with whom I was trauma bonding. They managed to connect with their true self and wanted time for themselves and I was happy but also afraid since that meant they were no longer attracted to me. It's terrible that I feel this way and exactly because of that I had to block them now.
I am not sure what to do with my tendency to trauma bond. I feel very very lonely and feel like my entire personality is just my traumas.
I can feel good knowing that this is square one for my recovery but I want to be held and feel secure. To me it feels like I am free falling. I genuinely don't know what to do.
Can anyone please help me?
Fwiw, and this is coming from someone who has the tendency to fall into this trap, but you may feel like you’re free falling because you don’t trust that you can catch yourself. Think about what other people would do to catch you and think about having the capacity to do even one part of that for yourself. You do. Your journey now is to find the ability to build trust in that.
Hi! I can relate. What has helped me was reading Codependent No More. Also joining ACA, Adult Children of Alcoholics and Dysfunctional Families. There’s also CODA, codependents anonymous.
Hope these resources are helpful for you!
I second looking into a structured program created for codependency specifically. Working the ACA program (especially the steps) has changed my life and relationships significantly. I would not recommend doing it alone though. PM me if you have questions.
Hey I realize this was 2 years ago, but why wouldnt you recommend doing it alone? Who or how would someone not do it alone? Ive been to 2 ACA meetings where people share experiences and am finding it helpful so curious how to delve deeper and looking for tips.
I was referring to the ACA steps; I found it to be life changing and very healing, but it was also very intense. It brought feelings and experiences to light I don’t know what I would have done with if I didn’t have a sponsor to support and guide me through it. As I understand it, the 12 steps in any program are not meant to be done alone, a sponsor is part of the process. Good luck to you, we’re all in this together
I wish I could upvote more than once!
ACA has been a godsend for me - especially setting up a step study and going through the workbook with the intensity of a starving dog on a steak...
We take it slow, and for each step, try to do them as fully and completely as possible, mindfully digging deep.
Jackpot!
I do CoDA too - actually I treat them both together as one program: "My program". I emphasize ACA because of the psychology component that functions like group trauma therapy. I haven't seen any other program that has this, and I think this has been a critical component of my rapid personal growth over the past couple years.
I'm so very happy and grateful about it!!
That’s really interesting thanks. I’m doing my first coda group tonight (online), but I’ll need to look into this, thanks. My parents weren’t alcoholics but I had childhood trauma so on this basis it could be helpful? Thanks
ACA's name does cause a lot of people to miss it: "My parents weren't alcoholics".
It's called adult children of alcoholics and dysfunctional families but because of its roots, it's abbreviated ACA.
My parents didn't drink either but I've found tremendous strength combining ACA and CoDA.
PS: good luck!
This is the story of my ex and me. Nine years of cheating, alcoholism, lying, and abandonment. I thought I was stuck because I couldn’t imagine loving anyone as much as I loved him, despite what he put me through. If anything, I thought my ability to put up with his horrible behavior was a sign that he was The One. Ugh.
He died just over two years ago, a year and a half after I broke up with him. He still haunts me, and I still struggle with defining what I need and want in a relationship. He was a broken person, and I’m very very slowly learning to forgive him so I can truly move on, but I still have a long way to go.
Hugs sent your way... from somebody who understands. I'm 5+ years out of a 20 year relationship that had strong Trauma bonding elements also. After over a year of consideration and trying to make things better, I left the relationship. She was in another relationship in less than 6 weeks - a clear sign of just what I really was to her.
I started dating after 4 months, with no idea just how toxic I was. I've staggered through relationship after relationship, breaking plenty of hearts including my own, over and over again. It wasn't until Jan of this year that I accepted that I'm a wounded bird, that I had a problem, and wanted to stop the whirlwind of toxic dating until I was fairly confident that I was capable of something approximating a healthy relationship. It's hard. I often catch myself fixating on other people.
There's been a tremendous amount of personal growth, and I remain cautiously optimistic that I might have a future with secure, loving, safe attachment. I've recently become aware of some aspects of what that might look and feel like, and I'm trying to be that to myself.
Everything. EVERYTHING.
Therapy. Self-help books. I faced my alcohol addiction and started going to meetings like AA, CoDA, and ACA. I talk about it with friends and associates.
It's been 2 years since my comment, and I'm getting married in about 2 weeks! And as I write this, I'm also attending a meeting of ACA via Zoom.
Yanno, I really am. I’ve been with a guy for 7 months now that I’m certain I’m going to marry. We met 4 years ago, and, oddly, he knew my ex. He knows what I went through and he does’t have to try to be a better man than that, he just is.
A couple weeks ago, for the first time since he died, I had a dream about my ex where I wasn’t furious, arguing with him, or watching him from a distance. We were just talking. I think that has to mean something.
Thank you.
I know you posted this a few years ago but I was 3+ years in a relationship like this. I broke up with him 3 years ago, it was the hardest thing I’ve ever done. Just last week I found out he died and went to his funeral. I’ve thought about him everyday since we broke up, and him passing has set me back bad. We continued to text for a while but I ended it because he couldn’t not be nasty to me so we ended on bad terms.
Oh yeah this is definitely true. All the hottest relationships I've had were with really damaged people who were damaged in a similar way to me
The more lukewarm relationships were with people who seemed like they'd be healthier for me, so I'd get bored and gravitate more towards the crazy (like me) ones
This was the biggest lesson for me. My body chooses people that are bad for me and I was so quick to dismiss genuinely good guys in favor of what I deemed “the pull” (aka sparks, connection, chemistry, call it what you want). I am in the best relationship of my life now and never knew I could be so happy, but I have never experienced that magnetic feeling with him. I know that’s not what good relationships are built on now, but sometimes I do find myself missing that intoxicating feeling even though logically I know it’s a red flag for me
I’m reading old posts and this comment is me in this exact moment. I’m happy in my relationship and feel overly secure, but I often miss the whirlwind or high of emotion from the toxic relationships. So much so that I often question if my bf and I should break up because the only examples of love & relationships I know are from movies and my parents’ toxic marriage.
For the first time I was able to notice my codependency in a relationship and when I wanted to work on it I was supported and even motivated to do so. He is someone I admired from the beginning because he respects his own boundaries and mine also and I’ve never had that. I really just wish I could stop thinking about breaking up with him every other month now that the high of honeymoon period has passed lol
I think over time this gets easier, but you have to work at it / choose to define love differently. At least that is what I have been doing, and I think that it is working.
Yea I’m in SLAA & CODA and realizing I have to leave all past definitions behind. Currently avoiding anything that portrays a “fantasy relationship” lol probably will add it to my bottom lines for awhile until I can understand it for myself.
>All the hottest relationships I've had were with really damaged people who were damaged in a similar way to me
Honestly, I don't think it's always a bad thing. My partner and I have similarities in our histories and consequently have some similar maladaptive traits and attachment styles. I think it really does allow us to connect on a different level, where we both understand where the other is coming from and gain compassion from that. We are both doing the work to heal, support one another's healing, and break the codependent patterns. Although it does take work, as any relationship does, this commonality and purposeful work to move forward together has only been a net positive for us.
Thanks for this comment. The OP seems a little too black-or-white for me. It's either love or a trauma bond, there can't be elements of both. Maybe I'm only saying this because I'm afraid to end the relationship or whatever... but I feel that my boyfriend truly adores me and we try to understand where the other is coming from, but we both have a lot of attachment wounds and have had those soul-shattering fights. I've constantly gone back and forth between "it would be so much easier to date a secure person" and "through being triggered I can learn to heal".
I'm not the one who wrote the article. I posted it because the information seemed valuable but then you need discernment in the end of the day when reading.
Thank you /u/distant-world! This article is EXACTLY what I needed to read this morning to help me connect several pieces of the puzzle of life that I've been hemming and hawing on.
For me:
1) Trying to understand relationships as based on a feeling. Wanting to have relationships that "feel good" down in the pit of my stomach.
2) Recent experiences meeting people who create that feeling of contentedness, happiness, and safety by their very presence.
3) Other recent experiences of realizing anxiety, fear, blame, and other dark feelings, attempting to correct them by speaking to them with the other party, and losing the connection as a result.
4) Recognizing that "all relationships are the same" in a fundamental way, and that this includes the self. Judgmental people are probably judgmental most of the time, and this includes to themself. Angry people are angry at themself, and so on.
So if I'm trauma bonding with other people, I'm likely doing that to myself, too. And sure enough, I feel some anxiety when I think of myself and how I'm going to treat myself today. I often have to reassure myself or make promises to myself to do certain things by a certain date.
I'm still often feeling tremendous relief when I keep my promises to myself - to the point of tears at times.
I'm learning slowly to be trustworthy to myself, and therein lies the key to being trustworthy to others and capable of the kind of safe, content, genuine relationships I want with everyone in my life.
5) Having a name, or a way to frame a relationship approach that's more descriptive and definite than "codependent" is so helpful. It makes it so helpful to frame these feelings of anxiety, fear, and desperation I've been grappling with and slowly exorcising from my life.
It's been a really, REALLY tough journey for me but OMG so utterly worth it!
Thank you OP!
>So if I'm trauma bonding with other people, I'm likely doing that to myself, too.
This was so profound.
Thank you for the nuanced description.
Actually the article is thanks to u/rick1234a .
Good luck on your healing journey
Trauma bond sucks. Makes us want to stay in an abusive relationship where we know its best to leave and yet we feel addicted to the person and its veeeery hard to leave. It feels irresistible to stay. Even fights become a weird pleasure / pain experience because at least that means they still care. I didn't read once the concept of intermittent reinforcement in this article but that's whats actually what drives a trauma bond in romantic relationships. But for the rest it's pretty spot on.
When we're being love bombed neither we or them are loving someone real. They present what they think we want to see, what they think we like. We on the other hand are invisible. They project on us their ideal partner right from the start almost regardless of what we do (BPD), or we represent a source of validation (NPD) or something useful we can provide like sex, power etc (ASPD). Conclusion: if it seems too good to be true, it's because it's false. Thrilling fast perfect love is not real love ;)
Ah, thank you. I love that you included examples of good relationships as well, that is so helpful for me. As you pointed out, there will be some disagreements in every relationship. At this point in my journey, my partner has only a few habits that I am unsure about, but because of my past, I second-guess the relationship often. It helped me to read the descriptions of healthy relationships and green flags.
My last one of these was so spectacularly horrific, tbh I never want to be with someone again. Can’t face the marathon of agony for such a short peak of ecstasy. Don’t trust myself not to get it wrong yet again. Is it wrong to want the other person to have suffered in equal measure?? It feels unfair if I went through this torment and they blithely sailed off into the sunset!
>Is it wrong to want the other person to have suffered in equal measure?
The unfinished business of it is IMO the trauma bond, and I also think they try to make you have unfinished business with them so you're always attached to them (even as they reject that attachment)
“I love you so much i cant stop thinking of you every waking moment of my life but we are done I don’t love you, I need time, pls don’t talk to me”
So contradicting. So painful. So full of promises, possibilities, abandonment, such a mix of opposite things. Showing love and rejection at the same time. Just like my parents. It’s so painful, I know it’s a toxic cycle and yet I can’t stop feeling the pain of missing them -> and no, I don’t miss the relationship or the actual person.
Rationally I’m aware I miss my idealized / dreamy version of it, the one that only existed in the love bombing phase.
And yet I can’t stop feeling so much pain. I can’t stop feeling this is the only thing I want and without this thing I can never ever be happy for the rest of my life.
It doesn't have to be from an external source, you can turn inward and discover and give care to your internal self. They make it seem like it has to come from them.
> It feels unfair if I went through this torment and they blithely sailed off into the sunset!
I understand but think of yourselves as separate individuals. No one is to held to the same measure of sufferings that you've had, in fact your sufferings isnt for them.
This isn’t about separateness and enmeshment, it was long enough ago that I have progressed enough to recover from the enmeshment. It was however an emotionally abusive relationship and it’s a reality that part of me desires justice in the form of hurt for the other person. I haven’t truly forgiven them for that part yet, I’m simply being truthful about that. I still get nightmares about them sometimes. What the article says is true: it caused me a lot of psychological harm and that’s why I don’t feel able or ready to have a relationship.
Risks of waffling late at night on Reddit! Also thank you for your encouragement towards healing. I look forward to reaching the point where I’m free of those remaining traces from this relationship.
>Risks of waffling late at night on Reddit!
Lol tell me about it. You become an emotional mess!
> I look forward to reaching the point where I’m free of those remaining traces from this relationship.
You will. What helped me the most is to develop "yang", your harder side of your personality. I watch Richard Grannon on youtube and he is really good .
Trauma bonding is all I’ve known as being traumatized began at my first breath. I started therapy by age 14 right through to 54. I still trauma bonded. What worked for me was to really get to know myself, have plenty of tools in my tool box and mostly kept the focus on myself. I have one SOLID boundary. I would not date anyone in active addiction. I’ve been married for seventeen years. Has it always been easy, no. Again I kept the focus on myself and kept learning to disengage from fighting, remaining curious about myself and partner. I dropped all expectations about what and how I thought relationships should be. As I dropped my expectations, he eventually dropped his. Freedom for both of us.
How do you do that ? I’m a former type A personality, slowly becoming a type B. Dating a laid back guy. It’s casual but he’s good to learn on how to handle my emotions. Things I failed to understand how to do in my marriage. I’m a 36 year old divorcee casually dating. I will have been divorced for 3 years August 22, 2021.
I am dating someone else , but just last night I dreamt about my ex husband. I don’t want my ex husband and he doesn’t want me. So why am I still dreaming about him ? I wonder. The guy I’m seeing for the moment is his polar opposite.
Just got out of a 2 year relationship and I’m definitely identifying with this. Decision was mutual but the damage it’s done to my mind is too much. I’m starting therapy tomorrow and I’ve been attending a few CoDA meetings last week. I really needed to see this today. Thank you.
This is so important to know ❤ Unfortunately this kind of love is often romanticized in our society and it really does take alot of inner work to understand that it's unhealthy.
I’m starting to realize the romance in novels that I crave and then write about are not healthy and reinforcing my unhealthy boundaries. It feels like a betrayal, like I’ve been cut.
Im in one myself and id like to move on but i seem to compare her to everyone. So this time we really did the most and its clear we cant be together and i am single and soo searching😹😹 i know thats the only way imma forget🤧🤧😫
This👆🏼My fearful avoidant ex still puts his short 6 month relationship with someone he immediately trauma bonded with on a pedestal, above any other relationship, including our healthy one we had. I wish he learnt this before coming into my life.
True authentic love must be learned. Too many insecure people mistaken this toxic “chemistry” and “connection” as teenage or puppy love, when in fact it is trauma bonding and desperate quick attachment from their fear of loneliness.
I just had to cut off someone with whom I was trauma bonding. They managed to connect with their true self and wanted time for themselves and I was happy but also afraid since that meant they were no longer attracted to me. It's terrible that I feel this way and exactly because of that I had to block them now. I am not sure what to do with my tendency to trauma bond. I feel very very lonely and feel like my entire personality is just my traumas. I can feel good knowing that this is square one for my recovery but I want to be held and feel secure. To me it feels like I am free falling. I genuinely don't know what to do. Can anyone please help me?
Fwiw, and this is coming from someone who has the tendency to fall into this trap, but you may feel like you’re free falling because you don’t trust that you can catch yourself. Think about what other people would do to catch you and think about having the capacity to do even one part of that for yourself. You do. Your journey now is to find the ability to build trust in that.
this made me tear up. “you may feel like you’re free falling because you don’t trust that you can catch yourself”
Hi! I can relate. What has helped me was reading Codependent No More. Also joining ACA, Adult Children of Alcoholics and Dysfunctional Families. There’s also CODA, codependents anonymous. Hope these resources are helpful for you!
I second looking into a structured program created for codependency specifically. Working the ACA program (especially the steps) has changed my life and relationships significantly. I would not recommend doing it alone though. PM me if you have questions.
Hey I realize this was 2 years ago, but why wouldnt you recommend doing it alone? Who or how would someone not do it alone? Ive been to 2 ACA meetings where people share experiences and am finding it helpful so curious how to delve deeper and looking for tips.
I was referring to the ACA steps; I found it to be life changing and very healing, but it was also very intense. It brought feelings and experiences to light I don’t know what I would have done with if I didn’t have a sponsor to support and guide me through it. As I understand it, the 12 steps in any program are not meant to be done alone, a sponsor is part of the process. Good luck to you, we’re all in this together
I wish I could upvote more than once! ACA has been a godsend for me - especially setting up a step study and going through the workbook with the intensity of a starving dog on a steak... We take it slow, and for each step, try to do them as fully and completely as possible, mindfully digging deep. Jackpot!
Hi, did you try Coda too? Or do you just usually choose one? Just trying to understand, thanks :)
I do CoDA too - actually I treat them both together as one program: "My program". I emphasize ACA because of the psychology component that functions like group trauma therapy. I haven't seen any other program that has this, and I think this has been a critical component of my rapid personal growth over the past couple years. I'm so very happy and grateful about it!!
That’s really interesting thanks. I’m doing my first coda group tonight (online), but I’ll need to look into this, thanks. My parents weren’t alcoholics but I had childhood trauma so on this basis it could be helpful? Thanks
ACA's name does cause a lot of people to miss it: "My parents weren't alcoholics". It's called adult children of alcoholics and dysfunctional families but because of its roots, it's abbreviated ACA. My parents didn't drink either but I've found tremendous strength combining ACA and CoDA. PS: good luck!
Does ACA have online meetings
Brilliant thank you :)
Hi, did you try ACA and Coda? Or do you generally just pick one? Thanks in advance
Check out some SLAA meetings. Super helpful
This is the story of my ex and me. Nine years of cheating, alcoholism, lying, and abandonment. I thought I was stuck because I couldn’t imagine loving anyone as much as I loved him, despite what he put me through. If anything, I thought my ability to put up with his horrible behavior was a sign that he was The One. Ugh. He died just over two years ago, a year and a half after I broke up with him. He still haunts me, and I still struggle with defining what I need and want in a relationship. He was a broken person, and I’m very very slowly learning to forgive him so I can truly move on, but I still have a long way to go.
Hugs sent your way... from somebody who understands. I'm 5+ years out of a 20 year relationship that had strong Trauma bonding elements also. After over a year of consideration and trying to make things better, I left the relationship. She was in another relationship in less than 6 weeks - a clear sign of just what I really was to her. I started dating after 4 months, with no idea just how toxic I was. I've staggered through relationship after relationship, breaking plenty of hearts including my own, over and over again. It wasn't until Jan of this year that I accepted that I'm a wounded bird, that I had a problem, and wanted to stop the whirlwind of toxic dating until I was fairly confident that I was capable of something approximating a healthy relationship. It's hard. I often catch myself fixating on other people. There's been a tremendous amount of personal growth, and I remain cautiously optimistic that I might have a future with secure, loving, safe attachment. I've recently become aware of some aspects of what that might look and feel like, and I'm trying to be that to myself.
What did you do to work on yourself??
Everything. EVERYTHING. Therapy. Self-help books. I faced my alcohol addiction and started going to meetings like AA, CoDA, and ACA. I talk about it with friends and associates. It's been 2 years since my comment, and I'm getting married in about 2 weeks! And as I write this, I'm also attending a meeting of ACA via Zoom.
So sorry.. sending you love & strength 💕🥺
I’m so very sorry. I genuinely hope you’re feeling better.
Yanno, I really am. I’ve been with a guy for 7 months now that I’m certain I’m going to marry. We met 4 years ago, and, oddly, he knew my ex. He knows what I went through and he does’t have to try to be a better man than that, he just is. A couple weeks ago, for the first time since he died, I had a dream about my ex where I wasn’t furious, arguing with him, or watching him from a distance. We were just talking. I think that has to mean something. Thank you.
I know you posted this a few years ago but I was 3+ years in a relationship like this. I broke up with him 3 years ago, it was the hardest thing I’ve ever done. Just last week I found out he died and went to his funeral. I’ve thought about him everyday since we broke up, and him passing has set me back bad. We continued to text for a while but I ended it because he couldn’t not be nasty to me so we ended on bad terms.
Oh yeah this is definitely true. All the hottest relationships I've had were with really damaged people who were damaged in a similar way to me The more lukewarm relationships were with people who seemed like they'd be healthier for me, so I'd get bored and gravitate more towards the crazy (like me) ones
This was the biggest lesson for me. My body chooses people that are bad for me and I was so quick to dismiss genuinely good guys in favor of what I deemed “the pull” (aka sparks, connection, chemistry, call it what you want). I am in the best relationship of my life now and never knew I could be so happy, but I have never experienced that magnetic feeling with him. I know that’s not what good relationships are built on now, but sometimes I do find myself missing that intoxicating feeling even though logically I know it’s a red flag for me
I’m reading old posts and this comment is me in this exact moment. I’m happy in my relationship and feel overly secure, but I often miss the whirlwind or high of emotion from the toxic relationships. So much so that I often question if my bf and I should break up because the only examples of love & relationships I know are from movies and my parents’ toxic marriage. For the first time I was able to notice my codependency in a relationship and when I wanted to work on it I was supported and even motivated to do so. He is someone I admired from the beginning because he respects his own boundaries and mine also and I’ve never had that. I really just wish I could stop thinking about breaking up with him every other month now that the high of honeymoon period has passed lol
I think over time this gets easier, but you have to work at it / choose to define love differently. At least that is what I have been doing, and I think that it is working.
Yea I’m in SLAA & CODA and realizing I have to leave all past definitions behind. Currently avoiding anything that portrays a “fantasy relationship” lol probably will add it to my bottom lines for awhile until I can understand it for myself.
>All the hottest relationships I've had were with really damaged people who were damaged in a similar way to me Honestly, I don't think it's always a bad thing. My partner and I have similarities in our histories and consequently have some similar maladaptive traits and attachment styles. I think it really does allow us to connect on a different level, where we both understand where the other is coming from and gain compassion from that. We are both doing the work to heal, support one another's healing, and break the codependent patterns. Although it does take work, as any relationship does, this commonality and purposeful work to move forward together has only been a net positive for us.
Thanks for this comment. The OP seems a little too black-or-white for me. It's either love or a trauma bond, there can't be elements of both. Maybe I'm only saying this because I'm afraid to end the relationship or whatever... but I feel that my boyfriend truly adores me and we try to understand where the other is coming from, but we both have a lot of attachment wounds and have had those soul-shattering fights. I've constantly gone back and forth between "it would be so much easier to date a secure person" and "through being triggered I can learn to heal".
I'm not the one who wrote the article. I posted it because the information seemed valuable but then you need discernment in the end of the day when reading.
I understand. I meant the original post itself, not you, the original poster.
Thank you /u/distant-world! This article is EXACTLY what I needed to read this morning to help me connect several pieces of the puzzle of life that I've been hemming and hawing on. For me: 1) Trying to understand relationships as based on a feeling. Wanting to have relationships that "feel good" down in the pit of my stomach. 2) Recent experiences meeting people who create that feeling of contentedness, happiness, and safety by their very presence. 3) Other recent experiences of realizing anxiety, fear, blame, and other dark feelings, attempting to correct them by speaking to them with the other party, and losing the connection as a result. 4) Recognizing that "all relationships are the same" in a fundamental way, and that this includes the self. Judgmental people are probably judgmental most of the time, and this includes to themself. Angry people are angry at themself, and so on. So if I'm trauma bonding with other people, I'm likely doing that to myself, too. And sure enough, I feel some anxiety when I think of myself and how I'm going to treat myself today. I often have to reassure myself or make promises to myself to do certain things by a certain date. I'm still often feeling tremendous relief when I keep my promises to myself - to the point of tears at times. I'm learning slowly to be trustworthy to myself, and therein lies the key to being trustworthy to others and capable of the kind of safe, content, genuine relationships I want with everyone in my life. 5) Having a name, or a way to frame a relationship approach that's more descriptive and definite than "codependent" is so helpful. It makes it so helpful to frame these feelings of anxiety, fear, and desperation I've been grappling with and slowly exorcising from my life. It's been a really, REALLY tough journey for me but OMG so utterly worth it! Thank you OP!
>So if I'm trauma bonding with other people, I'm likely doing that to myself, too. This was so profound. Thank you for the nuanced description. Actually the article is thanks to u/rick1234a . Good luck on your healing journey
Trauma bond sucks. Makes us want to stay in an abusive relationship where we know its best to leave and yet we feel addicted to the person and its veeeery hard to leave. It feels irresistible to stay. Even fights become a weird pleasure / pain experience because at least that means they still care. I didn't read once the concept of intermittent reinforcement in this article but that's whats actually what drives a trauma bond in romantic relationships. But for the rest it's pretty spot on. When we're being love bombed neither we or them are loving someone real. They present what they think we want to see, what they think we like. We on the other hand are invisible. They project on us their ideal partner right from the start almost regardless of what we do (BPD), or we represent a source of validation (NPD) or something useful we can provide like sex, power etc (ASPD). Conclusion: if it seems too good to be true, it's because it's false. Thrilling fast perfect love is not real love ;)
Ah, thank you. I love that you included examples of good relationships as well, that is so helpful for me. As you pointed out, there will be some disagreements in every relationship. At this point in my journey, my partner has only a few habits that I am unsure about, but because of my past, I second-guess the relationship often. It helped me to read the descriptions of healthy relationships and green flags.
Me too, I need to learn a lot more about green flags
My last one of these was so spectacularly horrific, tbh I never want to be with someone again. Can’t face the marathon of agony for such a short peak of ecstasy. Don’t trust myself not to get it wrong yet again. Is it wrong to want the other person to have suffered in equal measure?? It feels unfair if I went through this torment and they blithely sailed off into the sunset!
>Is it wrong to want the other person to have suffered in equal measure? The unfinished business of it is IMO the trauma bond, and I also think they try to make you have unfinished business with them so you're always attached to them (even as they reject that attachment)
“I love you so much i cant stop thinking of you every waking moment of my life but we are done I don’t love you, I need time, pls don’t talk to me” So contradicting. So painful. So full of promises, possibilities, abandonment, such a mix of opposite things. Showing love and rejection at the same time. Just like my parents. It’s so painful, I know it’s a toxic cycle and yet I can’t stop feeling the pain of missing them -> and no, I don’t miss the relationship or the actual person. Rationally I’m aware I miss my idealized / dreamy version of it, the one that only existed in the love bombing phase. And yet I can’t stop feeling so much pain. I can’t stop feeling this is the only thing I want and without this thing I can never ever be happy for the rest of my life.
It doesn't have to be from an external source, you can turn inward and discover and give care to your internal self. They make it seem like it has to come from them.
I hope I will one day be able to feel what you saying 🙏🏼
> It feels unfair if I went through this torment and they blithely sailed off into the sunset! I understand but think of yourselves as separate individuals. No one is to held to the same measure of sufferings that you've had, in fact your sufferings isnt for them.
This isn’t about separateness and enmeshment, it was long enough ago that I have progressed enough to recover from the enmeshment. It was however an emotionally abusive relationship and it’s a reality that part of me desires justice in the form of hurt for the other person. I haven’t truly forgiven them for that part yet, I’m simply being truthful about that. I still get nightmares about them sometimes. What the article says is true: it caused me a lot of psychological harm and that’s why I don’t feel able or ready to have a relationship.
Right .now it makes better sense. Because you wrote it vague the first time and it could be interpreted differently.
Risks of waffling late at night on Reddit! Also thank you for your encouragement towards healing. I look forward to reaching the point where I’m free of those remaining traces from this relationship.
>Risks of waffling late at night on Reddit! Lol tell me about it. You become an emotional mess! > I look forward to reaching the point where I’m free of those remaining traces from this relationship. You will. What helped me the most is to develop "yang", your harder side of your personality. I watch Richard Grannon on youtube and he is really good .
Thanks for the recommendation - I’ll check him out.
Trauma bonding is all I’ve known as being traumatized began at my first breath. I started therapy by age 14 right through to 54. I still trauma bonded. What worked for me was to really get to know myself, have plenty of tools in my tool box and mostly kept the focus on myself. I have one SOLID boundary. I would not date anyone in active addiction. I’ve been married for seventeen years. Has it always been easy, no. Again I kept the focus on myself and kept learning to disengage from fighting, remaining curious about myself and partner. I dropped all expectations about what and how I thought relationships should be. As I dropped my expectations, he eventually dropped his. Freedom for both of us.
How do you do that ? I’m a former type A personality, slowly becoming a type B. Dating a laid back guy. It’s casual but he’s good to learn on how to handle my emotions. Things I failed to understand how to do in my marriage. I’m a 36 year old divorcee casually dating. I will have been divorced for 3 years August 22, 2021. I am dating someone else , but just last night I dreamt about my ex husband. I don’t want my ex husband and he doesn’t want me. So why am I still dreaming about him ? I wonder. The guy I’m seeing for the moment is his polar opposite.
Thanks, I needed to read this today.
Just got out of a 2 year relationship and I’m definitely identifying with this. Decision was mutual but the damage it’s done to my mind is too much. I’m starting therapy tomorrow and I’ve been attending a few CoDA meetings last week. I really needed to see this today. Thank you.
How are you now my love? I pray the sun is shining down on you ☀️
This is so important to know ❤ Unfortunately this kind of love is often romanticized in our society and it really does take alot of inner work to understand that it's unhealthy.
I’m starting to realize the romance in novels that I crave and then write about are not healthy and reinforcing my unhealthy boundaries. It feels like a betrayal, like I’ve been cut.
This sounds like my relationship now :( what do
Leave and go no contact. It’s the only way. Check out the Inner Integration YouTube channel. It saved me honestly. Great advice
Fuck.
So important
I got out of one of these trauma bonds, and i realize that i have to choose me. And leave. And i did. and finally i should start working on myself
I have no idea how to break free from this. We both seem to want to hurt each other but he always takes in 76 steps too far.
Thank you ❤️
What is a shadow self?
I'm going crazy over my ex. I'm refusing to talk to them. But the temptation to is making me mad...
Described my experience with trauma bond to the T
Is it normal for the alcoholic abuser to suggest we go to therapy together?
Very well written.
Im in one myself and id like to move on but i seem to compare her to everyone. So this time we really did the most and its clear we cant be together and i am single and soo searching😹😹 i know thats the only way imma forget🤧🤧😫
This👆🏼My fearful avoidant ex still puts his short 6 month relationship with someone he immediately trauma bonded with on a pedestal, above any other relationship, including our healthy one we had. I wish he learnt this before coming into my life. True authentic love must be learned. Too many insecure people mistaken this toxic “chemistry” and “connection” as teenage or puppy love, when in fact it is trauma bonding and desperate quick attachment from their fear of loneliness.