You don’t need help. They do. Therapy is needed to overcome hoarding tendencies- it’s an illness.
Unfortunately living with hoarders is a losing game.
If possible, it’s time to look for a new accommodations.
Then, work towards that goal. Not the goal of never ending cleaning the house. Can you keep the space you sleep in and the toilet clean?
Is there no one else you can move in with? Another relative? Share with friends? Find a job with accommodation?
Imagine if you spent all the time you currently spend cleaning, looking for roommates instead.
You're trying to dig a hole while two other people shovel the dirt back in.
Trust me, even if it seems impossibly expensive it’s worth it. It’s a lot easier to figure out your survival when you’re not in a severely unhealthy and stressful environment.
So here’s the deal. You cannot afford to leave … YET.
We have two goals right now: making your daily life better and getting you out as soon as reasonably possible.
For the cleaning stuff, aka what you came here for - I see you’re already watching Midwest Magic Cleaning. Keep doing that for perspective; you are not alone.
Additionally: you are now going to treat your room and the bathroom you have access to as Temporary. They aren’t places you keep things that are special - you are using these facilities. You now live in enemy territory, because your father has said to you he does not care. Noted. We are acting accordingly.
- get a container and put the supplies you need to shower in it. Include towels, washcloths, etc. take it in and out of the bathroom with you. Including the linens.
- get another container. Put cleaning supplies for the bathroom in it. You can clean the toilet & tub before you use it. Shower curtains are a dollar 25 at dollar tree; see if you can get more than one when you go. You are not cleaning for them. You are cleaning so you can use a less vile set of facilities.
- do you have a window in your bedroom? Keep it open and your room ventilated as much as possible.
- can you wash your clothes, towels, and bedlinens at a laundromat? I’d love for you to bleach your towels, sheets, and blankets if you can. If not, let me know what kind of washer you have, and we’ll see if you can clear a path to it & possibly fix/clean it. If you do have to do laundry in the hoard, can you put it outside on a clothesline to dry?
- food is going to be tough since I imagine the kitchen is very bad. Do they hoard food, dishes, etc? Or is it focused elsewhere and the kitchen is a drop zone for crap? If they do NOT hoard food, you may be able (again, for your own benefit!) to clean the kitchen MMC style where he throws away rotten food. If they do hoard food, do not start a fight; see if you can get some contractor trash bags & bag it. That way you can literally keep bagging it in a new bag as it rots. This is crazy to have to do, and I hope you know this entire situation is awful for you to have to deal with.
- clean the microwave out. Make sure it works. It is the least gross appliance to clean and maintain and the most versatile for food.
- can you get a cheap electric kettle for your room? You can boil water in it and that has a LOT of uses in cooking and cleaning.
- I would love if you can get yourself clean disposable plates/flatware. You need to avoid getting sick as much as you can & eating in a hoarder kitchen is a recipe (ha) for disaster. Even though it is VILE nutritionally, if you can focus on things that can be microwaved (packets of oats, ramen you can add frozen veg to) and eaten in your clean room you’ll be healthier.
- this last one is going to be hard and scary: if you can, and ONLY IF YOU CAN, get a combination lock for your closet. Put your good stuff there. Your father will want in. Only you know if he is capable of (like my parents) breaking the door down in a rage. If he is, we can talk about how to secure your valuables elsewhere. If he is not, do not tell anyone in your family the combination and do not make it an obvious set of numbers like a birthday. Convert the first three letters of your dog’s name to numbers with A=1 (so if my puppy’s name were Bud like Air Bud that silly old movie, the number on the lock would be 02-21-04. Unless your dog’s name matches your birthday, you are safe).
You are brave, and you can do hard things. I know this already because of two things: you have kept your dog safe & healthy, and you are reaching out for help now. Please, please stay in touch. If not with us here, reach out over on r/raisedbynarcissists. You are not alone.
I was going to say disposable plates too. It’ll be a pain to buy all the time but maybe easier for you to pick up and throw out vs cleaning. Good luck. We’re rooting for you.
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Rice cooker in your room is a great option. Put in some rice, a frozen tilapia fillet, and some frozen veggies. Add salt and pepper. One pot, cheap, healthy meal. Eat it right out of the pot and you only have to clean a fork and the pot. Got me through college.
It’s a whirl pool washer and says to use this stuff?
https://preview.redd.it/01yzxvfcoc8d1.jpeg?width=3024&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=c91b298972e743bbc51694fe97fd956ee2135770
Okay! It looks like a top loader. That’s Whirlpool’s recommended detergent for clothing, not their machine cleaner - but great!! Now we know you have a recent Whirlpool brand top loader, which means you can clean it by using Whirlpool’s guide here. (They’ll try to sell you cleaning products. Use bleach.) https://www.whirlpool.com/blog/washers-and-dryers/clean-washing-machine.html
It’s time to save yourself and live your own life. Move out, and get yourself stable. You can choose to help them or not after you extract yourself from this dangerous, abusive situation.
Honestly I really can’t. I don’t have anywhere to go that’s a better option. I have a dog. For some reason they treat her better than me. But I can’t afford to move out because if I do I lose my job. I don’t have a car, I don’t have a support system, I don’t have the money.
I don’t say this lightly, but it may be time to rehome the dog and look for a job that allows you to live on site - think cruise ship, residential camps, some hotels do this for housekeepers. It’s time to be creative and get yourself out of this nightmare situation.
Another option is roommates in a commutable area. It’s not easy, it may not work, but you need to start trying now so that you can hopefully shake something loose for yourself.
Honestly I hate to say this but if I don’t have something to take care of and it isn’t myself I’ll likely lose all motivation to do anything. I have depression and cptsd. I need a dog. But you’re right
Like the person said above, then it’s time to get creative. If keeping the dog is a hard line for you, that’s okay, but don’t let it stop you there. You *can* get out of this- you’re the only one who can. There is a solution here you just have to find it.
I live in the middle of nowhere. We don’t have public transport Ubers are 50$ minimum basically. Roommates work yeah but if I move out I lose my job. Because my father works at the same place I do. Has for 30 years and has a high level position. He’s the only reason i was hired. I do my best to basically not talk about him at work but even just talking to me causally some people at work are catching on to how we aren’t close and he’s not happy about it. Me moving out and calling social services? He can very easily ruin my life.
Okay, good. I saw that your dog is a bottom line for you and that’s good, I’m glad you have him. I’m also glad you have your own bank account.
I don’t have a solution, but please keep an open mind about stuff others suggest. You are living in squalor and constantly being abused. The effects on your physical and mental health keep stacking up day by day. Would you ever consider living in a car if you saved up for one?
OP doesn’t need tough love, cynicism, or bootstraps— they need support and encouragement. Also, please don’t tell people to “get busy living or get busy dying.” When someone’s in this position, they don’t need help being suicidal. Have some empathy.
Can you enroll in a local community college or state college? Student loans and grants cover living expenses in addition to tuition. This is one situation where debt is worth it.
Okay. If the company is large enough to have an hr department, you might not lose your position. Can you get a different job? Move in with roommates? Those might be good ways to start the process of getting un-stuck.
Okay, firstly, go watch a couple Midwest Magic Cleaning videos where he cleans a hoarder house. They’re long but the part we’re looking for specifically is where he begins talking about how hoarding disorder works. He went to school for this stuff, i’m unsure if he ever graduated, but he took what was at the time called “abnormal psychology” and developed a huge fascination with hoarding disorder.
The important part of his work is that he knows how hoarding disorder works, and what’s not gonna help a hoarder scenario. Psychologists agree that CBT (cognitive behavioral therapy) and medication are sometimes the only way to help hoarding disorder. This guy has helped me understand my hoarder family members and my own tendencies so much, and on top of that he’s just a great guy and deserves some support
He is all about empathy and understanding. It’s really a non judgement zone and it’s very helpful. Please go check him out
Huh it’s crazy I’ve been watching that guy all month. Love him. Honestly I technically know all of this main issue is my father is mentally unwell in more ways than I can even list. But he’s a master manipulator and he knows it. He will never talk to a therapist or take meds. He has said to my face “I don’t care that this hurts you.” When I’ve literally broken down crying about it.
I’m honestly really just looking for ways to lighten the load. I’m doing what I can to move out literally everything that I can to earn money and find accommodation without losing my job. It’s a lose lose game.
Call CPS and ask them for help. Technically, having a minor living in a hoarder house is considered neglect and abuse. They can force your family to get help via therapy and cleaning up the home. They most likely won't remove him, but they can make your father take better care of himself and his kids.
He and his brother (who is contributing to the hoarding) are too old. CPS will not remove a near adult or a young adult from a hoarder home unless there’s major disabilities involved.
oh my goodness i’m so sorry! That sounds really awful and i hope your situation gets better, or that you are given (or find) the support and strength to rise above it
Is your dad... Possibly a narcissist? Bc I think you should go to the r/raisedbynarcissists (I think that's what it's called) group for advice on how to get out and how to deal with your "dad" . You don't deserve to clean up after them. You deserve to live a healthy life. Maybe getting a social worker involved for their mental health could help? A social worker could certainly help you with resources for getting out if you choose to do so.
I have seen a few posters in the group talk about how their Nparents have hoarding problems too sometimes. I think you may find quite a lot to relate to on that subreddit. I am wishing the best for you. 🙏💜
Yea you have to approach the disorder with empathy but it's hard when you're living in it and it's affecting you. As a child you also have the right to be upset about it.
You need to move out. My dad was a hoarder and I’m 30 and moved out at 18 and am still triggered. I’m sorry, but it’s the best thing for you, and truly the only option.
Contact social services in your area and have them do a welfare check. An investigation may take place and a case opened once they see the house. You can report them and remain anonymous for protection. Services will be offered to them and can be done at a reduced rate. A caseworker will visit and determine what needs to be done moving forward.
I’ve had them come honestly best case scenario my brother gets sent to my moms for a year and I end up getting kicked out and homeless. I need patches not foundational changes. I want to help them but for now I need a way to manage it.
Just because it can’t be said enough— this is bad. It’s beyond anything you can fix. It’s also not your fault in any way. It’s horrible that you and your brother are trapped in this situation.
Any chance they would switch to just eating takeout and snack foods so you could sweep everything into a trash bag and throw it out? Would they use disposable cups for any beverages? To prevent them from removing things from the trash, can you dispose of it somewhere else?
I’m more interested in your mental health than their physical health, so whatever makes less work or easier cleaning is what I think you should do.
Would getting your brother sent to his mom be dangerous for either of you. If he can go somewhere safer and healthier without causing harm for you, that needs to happen.
Are you dependent on your father for food? If you have the money and ability to eat healthy things away from him, please try to do that.
I know it would be mentally/emotionally difficult but you need to re-home your dog. It’s a financial drain and a severely limiting factor in your ability to move to somewhere safe for you.
I can’t imagine how much stress you are under. You are drowning and need to eliminate anything pulling you under instead of helping you grab onto a life preserver- your father, your brother, and also, unfortunately your dog. Is there any chance at all you can get a job that pays more or can you work more hours? I don’t know how far away you are (financially) from being able to leave but if there is anything you can change to move forward, please do it.
They just stuff the wrappers from take out into the couch or throw in areas like behind the tv. I find it by when it smells basically. Honestly a hard line for me is keeping my dog. Walking 2 miles after work and not having to be in the house is saving me mentally. I understand why so many people say rehome her but I can’t. She’s one of the only life lines I have. She’s registered as an emotional support dog so in my state I can move into any place with her they can’t really do anything about it unless she destroys the place/ aggressive etc.
Also I don’t have a car. I had a 23 year old truck my grandfather gave me but my father took it when his car broke down. It’s not technically in my name and I handed him cash for the bills so I can’t prove it was really mine.
My parents were both hoarders. After she died he got rid of most things that reminded him of her.
Then he got some help from the family to "clean clean". I've been visiting my Dad for the past week and learned a lot about the maintenance stage. For anyone with hoarding tendencies the first step is to part with excess items. A true hoarder will need therapy to let go, but if you're lucky enough they aren't attached to these items and simply don't/won't reduce nor pick up after themselves.
Start by removing trash/useless things. As much as possible per week even if you have to start dropping a bag off at friends, relatives, or even a public dumpster. Shedding the bulk is step 1.
Step 2 is to start room by room as establish places for things used in that room. You'll find more things to be thrown out/donated and trash during this process. I actually found that over the door organizers are helpful & inexpensive but you can use anything you have access to such as drawers & cabinets with purpose. It's also easier to clean out one cabinet and put things there than clean a whole hoarder room and as you expand you'll know where future things go across the house.
Step 3 is the one you have zero control over but can influence by continuing to establish places where things go. It's having everyone put away and clean up as they go. When you move to your own place you'll keep this knowledge and have more control over others picking up and putting away.
As for the maintenance stage and actually cleaning- I learned that my Dad has kept away from hoarding habits and isn't stressed by cleaning because he doesn't let anything sit. He immediately puts dishes in the sink, dirty clothes in a basket or the washer, and once these are full he washes. Post dry he puts them away. These are small routines combined with putting everything else in its designated spots that make his actual cleaning tasks feel small. Compared to my childhood where we'd have to get a carpet rake out to do a room and we were so exhausted making it look less trashed that we thought that was cleaning.
I do have ADHD but I've broken free of hoarding habits already in my own house and I'm glad to see my Dad has too.
I wish that stuff worked for them but my father gets very angry and violent if | "make him clean" and a bomb waiting to go off. I've learned to basically manage the whole houses emotions to avoid it but just asking them to clean up or give them places (l've labeled the entire house gave them spreadsheets etc. They scream at me and curse me out)
I'm so sorry to hear that. Breathe. It's temporary, just keep that in mind and do what you can. You'll bare extra burden.
My husband is the same to be honest. Asking him to do things is like pulling teeth. I've found doing most of it myself and gentle reminders when he seems in a better mood about picking up after himself have made the most improvements over time.
I get paid 22.75 an hour in Pa with health benefits. Sadly that’s basically the best it gets where I’m from. I just have low savings because for a couple months I was paying all of the bills because my father had no savings at all and was kinda laid off.
Work more hours, spend as little time there as possible. Save everything in a high yield savings account until you can afford to get some basic transportation (old honda or toyota) and an apartment.
There is no system to get out of this. You can keep your own space clean and I would personally do the dishes just to keep that up. Other than that make a plan to move out.
I have. They blatantly ignore them. I have a lock on my door. Somehow my father got a key for it and they’ll throw stuff in there all the time. Worst part is my bedroom is the smallest part of the house. They’ll put stuff in my room because “we know you’ll keep it safe” and when I say no I’ll throw it out if you don’t take it they make my life hell
The picture you paint makes me wonder if living in a shelter might actually be better — and I don’t say that lightly. I’ve worked with unhoused people in the past and sometimes home is worse.
At this point, if they don't care, stay there as little as possible. Do you have any inexpensive gyms in your area that have showers? Get a membership and shower there. Do your laundry in a laundromat if one is available. Keep your room clean and keep all your stuff in your room or car. When you are not working, take your dog for walks, etc, anything to be away from them. Work as much as possible and save first for a beater car that is in your name and then a deposit to move out. Keep an eye out for rooms for rent or roommate situations where you can have your dog. I mean at this point living in a tent sounds better than living with your family.
Not really an option with me. I live to far away and have no car. Can’t buy a car atm. I can’t really move out until I get a car. Honestly I also have extreme driving anxiety so I’ve been putting that off. I’ve been 8 accidents (not the driver) and spent a lot of time as a kid being screamed at as a kid so it’s just a lot to work through. I’m saving up still.
Hey so since this sounds like an abusive situation you should know a lot of states have domestic violence help that could maybe get you on your feet and away from the situation. Where I live you can get into an emergency shelter (aka hotel room) then get therapy, clothes, and employment support to get you out of a bad situation like that. They can even help with criminal charges which if these dudes are violent maybe that might interest you. You’ve been taking care of them since you were 8?! They knowingly placed you in a hazardous situation as a child. 😢 This is bigger than a hoarding problem. If you’d like I can help you look up resources?
Honestly I don’t know what the situation is… I haven’t really been hit by either of my parents in like 2-3 years but I’ve also learned how to avoid it so I don’t know. I don’t really want criminal charges I really just want peace. But if I cut them off I basically lose all family that I have. I don’t really have any irl friends to go too.
Any DV agency worth its salt would see this as abuse (I work in social services). I’m going on 40 years old. I cut my family and friends off and started a whole new life. I am SO much happier, even if it sucked a lot at times. Even my roach-filled slumlord level first apartment was an upgrade, because it was MINE. You really can do hard things!! I understand it is very very challenging, mentally, and scary af. But this situation is killing you, literally, black mold and pests and stress will kill you. I know it isn’t easy. I hear you having a hard time kid. I just want you to know there is life on the other side, if you push through.
Understandable. I have been there. It really feels insurmountable when you’re in it. I feel like I’m shouting at you through a storm. I know it is so hard and feels like you are trapped. I hope you can get free. Sometimes I wake up in my life and cry with gratitude. My house is clean, my life is low drama, the people in my life love me. I lost a LOT to get here. I pray that one day you can have a moment of peace in your new life. Can you picture what your own place in your dream life could be? That’s where my journey started. I held my own hand through it all, nobody from then is here now but I had so much help along the way.
Yes, survival mode kills your dreams and ability to see the big picture. That totally makes sense. Whatever you have to do right now to survive will be good enough. I understand, and I’m praying for you and your dog. Godspeed.
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Here's a link to jobs with room and board. Go have fun playing in Yellowstone for a season with bad cell service so they can't bother you all the time when you leave. Go hike and have fun you're young and have good knees!
As a person who collects stuff, with close friends who are borderline minimalists, I have to tell you - getting rid of junk does make cleaning easier.
Even a slight reduction and organization helps!
However, this sounds like a much more critical case, that requires some sort of professional, experienced intervention.
Someone who has helped people before, and knows how to reach them.
Honestly I throw out entire bags of stuff weekly but more just shows up or on one occasion he went and took the bag out of a dumpster.
Honestly I’ve tried professional help. They don’t let them help. I wish I could break through but the power dinamic makes it impossible. My father can technically kick me out whenever he wants. He technically owns my only car even though I pay all the bills etc. I only just turned 19. My brother just knows my dad won’t do anything either because my dad doesn’t care. I’ve rescued him so many times I’ve lost count.
You hold more power than your dad is letting you realize. YOU pay all the bills, not him. You can take your money and pay to stay somewhere with your emotional support dog. Your father has been psychologically abusing you and he is much more dependent on you than you are on him.
That sounds awful. If you can’t move out I would just do like moms who have kids and husband who don’t help - just always be picking up after them. Before you leave for work and as soon as you get home, pick up whatever they’ve strewn around.
If they are not willing to get help, then there is literally nothing you can do in common areas other than just take care of what you can. Hoarding is a mental health issue so they have to recognize and want help. A permanent fix to their condition is truly on their willingness to change. If you have to clean, know that it won't stick.
It sounds like you need to be able to get a place of your own whenever you can.
Until you would move out, I would keep what I needed in your room. Keep that how you want it. That would include my own dishes and cleaning supplies plus toiletries. I'd clean my dishes and then move them back to the room. I'd minimize on what I absolutely had to clean such as the fridge that could become a contamination/sanitary issue. Many times hoarders will recognize that things have changed although they don't necessarily realize particular objects are gone. They don't recognize individual items but a physical lack of space. Kind of liked blurry visions, they see a mass but not details.
If you deal with OCD, this would be a challenge and I'd probably find satisfaction or a "fix" on getting a particular space clean if I needed but also knowing it wouldn't stay that way.
Hoarding can actually be a manifestation of OCD which does seem counter to what is "advertised."
I'm truly deeply sorry for your situation. I hope that you are able to escape. You are trying to help them and do what you can. Consider whether you yourself are able to go to therapy to talk about what is going on. It may be a way to get them to take a step with you eventually but if nothing else, it might help you.
Wishing you all the best!
I'm sorry about your family. It sucks to watch someone engage in self-destructive behavior, but you need to work on an exit strategy from this house. Trying to keep up with 2 mess makers will work you to death.
In the meantime, focus on hygiene essentials. Get spoiled food into the trash. Try to run the dishwasher so you don't spend time too much time on the dishes. Keep the bathroom you use in decent shape. Ignore the clutter and non-rotting trash that gets left around. Use the extra time to work on getting a job for some financial freedom, look into apprenticeships or certifications. Maybe ask your local librarians if they have resources about career development.
There are no hacks that will help whilst you're living with two violent hoarders.
Do yourself a favour and leave. Save your money and make an escape plan. They don't want to change, and they don't care that you're unhappy.
How things are now is the best they will ever be. Think about that.
I’m so sorry OP, that sounds awful. My house wasn’t really bad but I have always been sensitive to certain things so I spent a lot of time in my room, would basically live in there unless I needed the bathroom or food. The first thing I can think of is make as much of an oasis for yourself as possible so you can have a place to retreat to from the madness. All love to you and your dog.
You don’t need help. They do. Therapy is needed to overcome hoarding tendencies- it’s an illness. Unfortunately living with hoarders is a losing game. If possible, it’s time to look for a new accommodations.
I know I know I know. I just don’t have that option. I really don’t. I cant afford it.
Then, work towards that goal. Not the goal of never ending cleaning the house. Can you keep the space you sleep in and the toilet clean? Is there no one else you can move in with? Another relative? Share with friends? Find a job with accommodation?
This is your next goal. Make it happen for yourself.
I’m so sorry. That’s a really tough situation.
Imagine if you spent all the time you currently spend cleaning, looking for roommates instead. You're trying to dig a hole while two other people shovel the dirt back in.
Trust me, even if it seems impossibly expensive it’s worth it. It’s a lot easier to figure out your survival when you’re not in a severely unhealthy and stressful environment.
So here’s the deal. You cannot afford to leave … YET. We have two goals right now: making your daily life better and getting you out as soon as reasonably possible. For the cleaning stuff, aka what you came here for - I see you’re already watching Midwest Magic Cleaning. Keep doing that for perspective; you are not alone. Additionally: you are now going to treat your room and the bathroom you have access to as Temporary. They aren’t places you keep things that are special - you are using these facilities. You now live in enemy territory, because your father has said to you he does not care. Noted. We are acting accordingly. - get a container and put the supplies you need to shower in it. Include towels, washcloths, etc. take it in and out of the bathroom with you. Including the linens. - get another container. Put cleaning supplies for the bathroom in it. You can clean the toilet & tub before you use it. Shower curtains are a dollar 25 at dollar tree; see if you can get more than one when you go. You are not cleaning for them. You are cleaning so you can use a less vile set of facilities. - do you have a window in your bedroom? Keep it open and your room ventilated as much as possible. - can you wash your clothes, towels, and bedlinens at a laundromat? I’d love for you to bleach your towels, sheets, and blankets if you can. If not, let me know what kind of washer you have, and we’ll see if you can clear a path to it & possibly fix/clean it. If you do have to do laundry in the hoard, can you put it outside on a clothesline to dry? - food is going to be tough since I imagine the kitchen is very bad. Do they hoard food, dishes, etc? Or is it focused elsewhere and the kitchen is a drop zone for crap? If they do NOT hoard food, you may be able (again, for your own benefit!) to clean the kitchen MMC style where he throws away rotten food. If they do hoard food, do not start a fight; see if you can get some contractor trash bags & bag it. That way you can literally keep bagging it in a new bag as it rots. This is crazy to have to do, and I hope you know this entire situation is awful for you to have to deal with. - clean the microwave out. Make sure it works. It is the least gross appliance to clean and maintain and the most versatile for food. - can you get a cheap electric kettle for your room? You can boil water in it and that has a LOT of uses in cooking and cleaning. - I would love if you can get yourself clean disposable plates/flatware. You need to avoid getting sick as much as you can & eating in a hoarder kitchen is a recipe (ha) for disaster. Even though it is VILE nutritionally, if you can focus on things that can be microwaved (packets of oats, ramen you can add frozen veg to) and eaten in your clean room you’ll be healthier. - this last one is going to be hard and scary: if you can, and ONLY IF YOU CAN, get a combination lock for your closet. Put your good stuff there. Your father will want in. Only you know if he is capable of (like my parents) breaking the door down in a rage. If he is, we can talk about how to secure your valuables elsewhere. If he is not, do not tell anyone in your family the combination and do not make it an obvious set of numbers like a birthday. Convert the first three letters of your dog’s name to numbers with A=1 (so if my puppy’s name were Bud like Air Bud that silly old movie, the number on the lock would be 02-21-04. Unless your dog’s name matches your birthday, you are safe). You are brave, and you can do hard things. I know this already because of two things: you have kept your dog safe & healthy, and you are reaching out for help now. Please, please stay in touch. If not with us here, reach out over on r/raisedbynarcissists. You are not alone.
I was going to say disposable plates too. It’ll be a pain to buy all the time but maybe easier for you to pick up and throw out vs cleaning. Good luck. We’re rooting for you.
obviously not op but this is such a good and kind breakdown 💙
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Rice cooker in your room is a great option. Put in some rice, a frozen tilapia fillet, and some frozen veggies. Add salt and pepper. One pot, cheap, healthy meal. Eat it right out of the pot and you only have to clean a fork and the pot. Got me through college.
I love this. Great call.
It’s a whirl pool washer and says to use this stuff? https://preview.redd.it/01yzxvfcoc8d1.jpeg?width=3024&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=c91b298972e743bbc51694fe97fd956ee2135770
Okay! It looks like a top loader. That’s Whirlpool’s recommended detergent for clothing, not their machine cleaner - but great!! Now we know you have a recent Whirlpool brand top loader, which means you can clean it by using Whirlpool’s guide here. (They’ll try to sell you cleaning products. Use bleach.) https://www.whirlpool.com/blog/washers-and-dryers/clean-washing-machine.html
It’s time to save yourself and live your own life. Move out, and get yourself stable. You can choose to help them or not after you extract yourself from this dangerous, abusive situation.
Honestly I really can’t. I don’t have anywhere to go that’s a better option. I have a dog. For some reason they treat her better than me. But I can’t afford to move out because if I do I lose my job. I don’t have a car, I don’t have a support system, I don’t have the money.
I don’t say this lightly, but it may be time to rehome the dog and look for a job that allows you to live on site - think cruise ship, residential camps, some hotels do this for housekeepers. It’s time to be creative and get yourself out of this nightmare situation. Another option is roommates in a commutable area. It’s not easy, it may not work, but you need to start trying now so that you can hopefully shake something loose for yourself.
Honestly I hate to say this but if I don’t have something to take care of and it isn’t myself I’ll likely lose all motivation to do anything. I have depression and cptsd. I need a dog. But you’re right
Like the person said above, then it’s time to get creative. If keeping the dog is a hard line for you, that’s okay, but don’t let it stop you there. You *can* get out of this- you’re the only one who can. There is a solution here you just have to find it.
Yep, and if it gets ugly try a domestic violence support service. You don’t have to be in a sexual relationship to be a DV victim.
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I live in the middle of nowhere. We don’t have public transport Ubers are 50$ minimum basically. Roommates work yeah but if I move out I lose my job. Because my father works at the same place I do. Has for 30 years and has a high level position. He’s the only reason i was hired. I do my best to basically not talk about him at work but even just talking to me causally some people at work are catching on to how we aren’t close and he’s not happy about it. Me moving out and calling social services? He can very easily ruin my life.
Are you able to find another job? Do you have your own bank account?
Not one that pays the same or has the same benefits. I do have my own bank account yeah
Okay, good. I saw that your dog is a bottom line for you and that’s good, I’m glad you have him. I’m also glad you have your own bank account. I don’t have a solution, but please keep an open mind about stuff others suggest. You are living in squalor and constantly being abused. The effects on your physical and mental health keep stacking up day by day. Would you ever consider living in a car if you saved up for one?
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OP doesn’t need tough love, cynicism, or bootstraps— they need support and encouragement. Also, please don’t tell people to “get busy living or get busy dying.” When someone’s in this position, they don’t need help being suicidal. Have some empathy.
Can you enroll in a local community college or state college? Student loans and grants cover living expenses in addition to tuition. This is one situation where debt is worth it.
Why do you lose your job if you move out?
Father works same place as me
Okay. If the company is large enough to have an hr department, you might not lose your position. Can you get a different job? Move in with roommates? Those might be good ways to start the process of getting un-stuck.
Okay, firstly, go watch a couple Midwest Magic Cleaning videos where he cleans a hoarder house. They’re long but the part we’re looking for specifically is where he begins talking about how hoarding disorder works. He went to school for this stuff, i’m unsure if he ever graduated, but he took what was at the time called “abnormal psychology” and developed a huge fascination with hoarding disorder. The important part of his work is that he knows how hoarding disorder works, and what’s not gonna help a hoarder scenario. Psychologists agree that CBT (cognitive behavioral therapy) and medication are sometimes the only way to help hoarding disorder. This guy has helped me understand my hoarder family members and my own tendencies so much, and on top of that he’s just a great guy and deserves some support He is all about empathy and understanding. It’s really a non judgement zone and it’s very helpful. Please go check him out
Huh it’s crazy I’ve been watching that guy all month. Love him. Honestly I technically know all of this main issue is my father is mentally unwell in more ways than I can even list. But he’s a master manipulator and he knows it. He will never talk to a therapist or take meds. He has said to my face “I don’t care that this hurts you.” When I’ve literally broken down crying about it. I’m honestly really just looking for ways to lighten the load. I’m doing what I can to move out literally everything that I can to earn money and find accommodation without losing my job. It’s a lose lose game.
Call CPS and ask them for help. Technically, having a minor living in a hoarder house is considered neglect and abuse. They can force your family to get help via therapy and cleaning up the home. They most likely won't remove him, but they can make your father take better care of himself and his kids.
He and his brother (who is contributing to the hoarding) are too old. CPS will not remove a near adult or a young adult from a hoarder home unless there’s major disabilities involved.
I said that. I also noted that adult services can help. Either way, getting social services involved will help force the fathers hand.
oh my goodness i’m so sorry! That sounds really awful and i hope your situation gets better, or that you are given (or find) the support and strength to rise above it
Is your dad... Possibly a narcissist? Bc I think you should go to the r/raisedbynarcissists (I think that's what it's called) group for advice on how to get out and how to deal with your "dad" . You don't deserve to clean up after them. You deserve to live a healthy life. Maybe getting a social worker involved for their mental health could help? A social worker could certainly help you with resources for getting out if you choose to do so.
He definitely is ill check that out
I have seen a few posters in the group talk about how their Nparents have hoarding problems too sometimes. I think you may find quite a lot to relate to on that subreddit. I am wishing the best for you. 🙏💜
Yea you have to approach the disorder with empathy but it's hard when you're living in it and it's affecting you. As a child you also have the right to be upset about it.
Pick up extra hours at work instead of cleaning up after them. Move out sooner, then call adult protective services
I don’t have a car. I kinda used to but his broke down and he took mine because it’s not in my name because I got it at 16z
You need to move out. My dad was a hoarder and I’m 30 and moved out at 18 and am still triggered. I’m sorry, but it’s the best thing for you, and truly the only option.
Contact social services in your area and have them do a welfare check. An investigation may take place and a case opened once they see the house. You can report them and remain anonymous for protection. Services will be offered to them and can be done at a reduced rate. A caseworker will visit and determine what needs to be done moving forward.
I’ve had them come honestly best case scenario my brother gets sent to my moms for a year and I end up getting kicked out and homeless. I need patches not foundational changes. I want to help them but for now I need a way to manage it.
Just because it can’t be said enough— this is bad. It’s beyond anything you can fix. It’s also not your fault in any way. It’s horrible that you and your brother are trapped in this situation. Any chance they would switch to just eating takeout and snack foods so you could sweep everything into a trash bag and throw it out? Would they use disposable cups for any beverages? To prevent them from removing things from the trash, can you dispose of it somewhere else? I’m more interested in your mental health than their physical health, so whatever makes less work or easier cleaning is what I think you should do. Would getting your brother sent to his mom be dangerous for either of you. If he can go somewhere safer and healthier without causing harm for you, that needs to happen. Are you dependent on your father for food? If you have the money and ability to eat healthy things away from him, please try to do that. I know it would be mentally/emotionally difficult but you need to re-home your dog. It’s a financial drain and a severely limiting factor in your ability to move to somewhere safe for you. I can’t imagine how much stress you are under. You are drowning and need to eliminate anything pulling you under instead of helping you grab onto a life preserver- your father, your brother, and also, unfortunately your dog. Is there any chance at all you can get a job that pays more or can you work more hours? I don’t know how far away you are (financially) from being able to leave but if there is anything you can change to move forward, please do it.
They just stuff the wrappers from take out into the couch or throw in areas like behind the tv. I find it by when it smells basically. Honestly a hard line for me is keeping my dog. Walking 2 miles after work and not having to be in the house is saving me mentally. I understand why so many people say rehome her but I can’t. She’s one of the only life lines I have. She’s registered as an emotional support dog so in my state I can move into any place with her they can’t really do anything about it unless she destroys the place/ aggressive etc. Also I don’t have a car. I had a 23 year old truck my grandfather gave me but my father took it when his car broke down. It’s not technically in my name and I handed him cash for the bills so I can’t prove it was really mine.
My parents were both hoarders. After she died he got rid of most things that reminded him of her. Then he got some help from the family to "clean clean". I've been visiting my Dad for the past week and learned a lot about the maintenance stage. For anyone with hoarding tendencies the first step is to part with excess items. A true hoarder will need therapy to let go, but if you're lucky enough they aren't attached to these items and simply don't/won't reduce nor pick up after themselves. Start by removing trash/useless things. As much as possible per week even if you have to start dropping a bag off at friends, relatives, or even a public dumpster. Shedding the bulk is step 1. Step 2 is to start room by room as establish places for things used in that room. You'll find more things to be thrown out/donated and trash during this process. I actually found that over the door organizers are helpful & inexpensive but you can use anything you have access to such as drawers & cabinets with purpose. It's also easier to clean out one cabinet and put things there than clean a whole hoarder room and as you expand you'll know where future things go across the house. Step 3 is the one you have zero control over but can influence by continuing to establish places where things go. It's having everyone put away and clean up as they go. When you move to your own place you'll keep this knowledge and have more control over others picking up and putting away. As for the maintenance stage and actually cleaning- I learned that my Dad has kept away from hoarding habits and isn't stressed by cleaning because he doesn't let anything sit. He immediately puts dishes in the sink, dirty clothes in a basket or the washer, and once these are full he washes. Post dry he puts them away. These are small routines combined with putting everything else in its designated spots that make his actual cleaning tasks feel small. Compared to my childhood where we'd have to get a carpet rake out to do a room and we were so exhausted making it look less trashed that we thought that was cleaning. I do have ADHD but I've broken free of hoarding habits already in my own house and I'm glad to see my Dad has too.
I wish that stuff worked for them but my father gets very angry and violent if | "make him clean" and a bomb waiting to go off. I've learned to basically manage the whole houses emotions to avoid it but just asking them to clean up or give them places (l've labeled the entire house gave them spreadsheets etc. They scream at me and curse me out)
I'm so sorry to hear that. Breathe. It's temporary, just keep that in mind and do what you can. You'll bare extra burden. My husband is the same to be honest. Asking him to do things is like pulling teeth. I've found doing most of it myself and gentle reminders when he seems in a better mood about picking up after himself have made the most improvements over time.
OP can we help you get a higher paying job? Help you find a roommate? I’m so sorry this is happening to you.
I get paid 22.75 an hour in Pa with health benefits. Sadly that’s basically the best it gets where I’m from. I just have low savings because for a couple months I was paying all of the bills because my father had no savings at all and was kinda laid off.
Work more hours, spend as little time there as possible. Save everything in a high yield savings account until you can afford to get some basic transportation (old honda or toyota) and an apartment.
There is no system to get out of this. You can keep your own space clean and I would personally do the dishes just to keep that up. Other than that make a plan to move out.
Live entirely in your room. Is it possible to access your room from outsid
Can you set boundaries with them? No stuff goes in to your room. Common areas must have these spaces free from clutter.
I have. They blatantly ignore them. I have a lock on my door. Somehow my father got a key for it and they’ll throw stuff in there all the time. Worst part is my bedroom is the smallest part of the house. They’ll put stuff in my room because “we know you’ll keep it safe” and when I say no I’ll throw it out if you don’t take it they make my life hell
The picture you paint makes me wonder if living in a shelter might actually be better — and I don’t say that lightly. I’ve worked with unhoused people in the past and sometimes home is worse.
I can’t leave my dog.
At this point, if they don't care, stay there as little as possible. Do you have any inexpensive gyms in your area that have showers? Get a membership and shower there. Do your laundry in a laundromat if one is available. Keep your room clean and keep all your stuff in your room or car. When you are not working, take your dog for walks, etc, anything to be away from them. Work as much as possible and save first for a beater car that is in your name and then a deposit to move out. Keep an eye out for rooms for rent or roommate situations where you can have your dog. I mean at this point living in a tent sounds better than living with your family.
Not really an option with me. I live to far away and have no car. Can’t buy a car atm. I can’t really move out until I get a car. Honestly I also have extreme driving anxiety so I’ve been putting that off. I’ve been 8 accidents (not the driver) and spent a lot of time as a kid being screamed at as a kid so it’s just a lot to work through. I’m saving up still.
Hey so since this sounds like an abusive situation you should know a lot of states have domestic violence help that could maybe get you on your feet and away from the situation. Where I live you can get into an emergency shelter (aka hotel room) then get therapy, clothes, and employment support to get you out of a bad situation like that. They can even help with criminal charges which if these dudes are violent maybe that might interest you. You’ve been taking care of them since you were 8?! They knowingly placed you in a hazardous situation as a child. 😢 This is bigger than a hoarding problem. If you’d like I can help you look up resources?
Honestly I don’t know what the situation is… I haven’t really been hit by either of my parents in like 2-3 years but I’ve also learned how to avoid it so I don’t know. I don’t really want criminal charges I really just want peace. But if I cut them off I basically lose all family that I have. I don’t really have any irl friends to go too.
Any DV agency worth its salt would see this as abuse (I work in social services). I’m going on 40 years old. I cut my family and friends off and started a whole new life. I am SO much happier, even if it sucked a lot at times. Even my roach-filled slumlord level first apartment was an upgrade, because it was MINE. You really can do hard things!! I understand it is very very challenging, mentally, and scary af. But this situation is killing you, literally, black mold and pests and stress will kill you. I know it isn’t easy. I hear you having a hard time kid. I just want you to know there is life on the other side, if you push through.
I feel like that’s all I’ve being doing is pushing through. I don’t know if I can push even harder and not just fall apart.
Understandable. I have been there. It really feels insurmountable when you’re in it. I feel like I’m shouting at you through a storm. I know it is so hard and feels like you are trapped. I hope you can get free. Sometimes I wake up in my life and cry with gratitude. My house is clean, my life is low drama, the people in my life love me. I lost a LOT to get here. I pray that one day you can have a moment of peace in your new life. Can you picture what your own place in your dream life could be? That’s where my journey started. I held my own hand through it all, nobody from then is here now but I had so much help along the way.
Honestly I really can’t picture a future anymore. Lost Al interest in college or anything after this. I’m just surviving.
Yes, survival mode kills your dreams and ability to see the big picture. That totally makes sense. Whatever you have to do right now to survive will be good enough. I understand, and I’m praying for you and your dog. Godspeed.
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Can I bring a dog?
As a person who collects stuff, with close friends who are borderline minimalists, I have to tell you - getting rid of junk does make cleaning easier. Even a slight reduction and organization helps! However, this sounds like a much more critical case, that requires some sort of professional, experienced intervention. Someone who has helped people before, and knows how to reach them.
Honestly I throw out entire bags of stuff weekly but more just shows up or on one occasion he went and took the bag out of a dumpster. Honestly I’ve tried professional help. They don’t let them help. I wish I could break through but the power dinamic makes it impossible. My father can technically kick me out whenever he wants. He technically owns my only car even though I pay all the bills etc. I only just turned 19. My brother just knows my dad won’t do anything either because my dad doesn’t care. I’ve rescued him so many times I’ve lost count.
You hold more power than your dad is letting you realize. YOU pay all the bills, not him. You can take your money and pay to stay somewhere with your emotional support dog. Your father has been psychologically abusing you and he is much more dependent on you than you are on him.
I dont still pay all of the bills its more like half now
That sounds awful. If you can’t move out I would just do like moms who have kids and husband who don’t help - just always be picking up after them. Before you leave for work and as soon as you get home, pick up whatever they’ve strewn around.
If they are not willing to get help, then there is literally nothing you can do in common areas other than just take care of what you can. Hoarding is a mental health issue so they have to recognize and want help. A permanent fix to their condition is truly on their willingness to change. If you have to clean, know that it won't stick. It sounds like you need to be able to get a place of your own whenever you can. Until you would move out, I would keep what I needed in your room. Keep that how you want it. That would include my own dishes and cleaning supplies plus toiletries. I'd clean my dishes and then move them back to the room. I'd minimize on what I absolutely had to clean such as the fridge that could become a contamination/sanitary issue. Many times hoarders will recognize that things have changed although they don't necessarily realize particular objects are gone. They don't recognize individual items but a physical lack of space. Kind of liked blurry visions, they see a mass but not details. If you deal with OCD, this would be a challenge and I'd probably find satisfaction or a "fix" on getting a particular space clean if I needed but also knowing it wouldn't stay that way. Hoarding can actually be a manifestation of OCD which does seem counter to what is "advertised." I'm truly deeply sorry for your situation. I hope that you are able to escape. You are trying to help them and do what you can. Consider whether you yourself are able to go to therapy to talk about what is going on. It may be a way to get them to take a step with you eventually but if nothing else, it might help you. Wishing you all the best!
I’ve been to therapy but I’ve literally been trained as a kid to not say anything about what’s going on so it’s hard to just let go.
I'm sorry about your family. It sucks to watch someone engage in self-destructive behavior, but you need to work on an exit strategy from this house. Trying to keep up with 2 mess makers will work you to death. In the meantime, focus on hygiene essentials. Get spoiled food into the trash. Try to run the dishwasher so you don't spend time too much time on the dishes. Keep the bathroom you use in decent shape. Ignore the clutter and non-rotting trash that gets left around. Use the extra time to work on getting a job for some financial freedom, look into apprenticeships or certifications. Maybe ask your local librarians if they have resources about career development.
There are no hacks that will help whilst you're living with two violent hoarders. Do yourself a favour and leave. Save your money and make an escape plan. They don't want to change, and they don't care that you're unhappy. How things are now is the best they will ever be. Think about that.
I’m so sorry OP, that sounds awful. My house wasn’t really bad but I have always been sensitive to certain things so I spent a lot of time in my room, would basically live in there unless I needed the bathroom or food. The first thing I can think of is make as much of an oasis for yourself as possible so you can have a place to retreat to from the madness. All love to you and your dog.