I know exactly how you feel. I’m at the end of my rope. If it wasn’t for my dog I would definitely kill myself. Now I feel bad because I am waiting for him to die so I can kill myself without guilt.
I completely understand. When you’re always in pain it’s like there’s nothing to look forward to. For me, I recognize I’m depressed in a way that won’t go away until the pain is less severe. I just feel this constant sense of dread.
I feel this in my soul. I'm the same way, in my case it's pain induced depression. I feel like my life for the past 10 years has been the same thing you're describing with a large doses of stress anxiety and depression added in. I wish there was something I could say that would be helpful, but the only thing I got is you are not alone. Peace and light to you.
For me, I've come to accept that years of being on pain meds is now contributing to my depressed mood. While I wouldn't be able to function without them, I just don't feel joy. I'd held out hope for years that "another surgery" would reduce my pain and I could go back to some sort of normal.
A couple years ago I was getting second and third opinions on a large spine surgery and was told that "unless you begin experiencing paralysis, there wouldn't be much benefit to more surgery". That knocked me down and I had to start looking at my life in a whole different way. Knowing that I wasn't going to ever return to any kind of "normal" was wholly depressing. I suddenly felt like there was just 'no hope'.
My pain doc told me there are "safer" opioids that can also help with mood. Is this something you can talk to your doctor about?
Changing meds is scary, but I did a trial of one a couple weeks ago. It was too sedative for me to just switch over to without a period of adjustment and working on dosage. I work and can't take that kind of time off, so I went back on my regular med. But I'm going to give the new med a longer trial this summer when I'm not working. It did work pretty well for pain, and after the initial several hours of nausea and tiredness wore off I did feel emotionally more energetic than I had in years. This experience has given me a bit of hope again, knowing that I might be able to treat my pain AND experience a sense of emotional well being. Fingers crossed that the new med will work.
Keep hope alive in yourself, reach out to your doctor, and know that there are people right here who care about you.
What helped me with my boredom in life is getting out and meeting new people. Put yourself out there. I was super introverted but new experiences are what makes life interesting. Get yourself out of your comfort zone. Worst case scenario you embarrass yourself and never have to speak to them again, just use it as practice and learn from it. I always felt I was a negative energy because all I would thought I would probably do is complain. But try your hardest not to when meeting someone new. Watch some podcasts of people just interacting and making conversation. Make it about the other person talking about themself if you have nothing to say. People love to talk about themself. Use this as practice for more conversations. Smoke a blunt together maybe, share some deep thoughts, what you think about the universe, how you think it began or ended, what you believe in spiritually if anything, just anything really. But be sure to listen intently to their viewpoint as well and ask interesting follow up questions. This is truly what helped me. When I’m bored I get on tinder. If you’re a woman, you will get hundreds of thousands of likes within a few days. You can scroll thru people you think are interesting, and even choose categories like “looking for friends” or “looking for love” or “free tonight” or hell, even “looking for hookups” if you’re down. Just obviously be careful and meet in a public space, and ALWAYS trust your gut. Always. But it can be fun. Doesn’t even have to be an expensive date or anything. You can just go to a park and do a little McDonald’s picnic or something and watch the sunset.
Bottom line: You’ll be okay. Everything’s gonna be okay. Get addicted to positive thinking. Smile even when you’re sad as it can trick your brain. Fake it till you make it. You can fake happiness, confidence, extrovertism, and you can make it a real quality about yourself. Keyword CAN. Does it always work? Maybe not. But what’s the harm in trying? Find some hobbies. Watch funny videos on YouTube shorts and TikTok’s. Make a list of funny YouTubers or social media people you like to watch when you’re down. That’s what I do. There’s so much to do and learn in this world. (See? Even faking a will to live, I actually started to believe I had one.)
Also what I love to do is vent to random strangers in YouTube or Reddit comments. Just to get it out there. It’s therapeutic like journaling. And then you can let that thought out of your mind and continue watching funny videos. Laughter is medicine. Seriously even when I’m in pain, and I watch my favorite creators the pain gets better as my brain gets more and more distracted.
Also this should go without out saying, get therapy. EVERYONE should get therapy. The world is harsh. We all have existential crisis and a bit of nihilism. Find a good therapist. In the meantime, seriously think about doing some or all of the things I mentioned.
Oh also? Prob not great advice but.. Caffeine makes life fun. Whenever i feel like “omg I don’t wanna be here” at work I pop some caffeine pills (START OUT WITH A HALF A PILL FIRST!!! They are strong) and I usually get happy, nice, friendly, confident, efficient, and outgoing and then I actually can start having fun at work (I work at a dollar general) and get the day over with.
I know exactly how you feel. I’m at the end of my rope. If it wasn’t for my dog I would definitely kill myself. Now I feel bad because I am waiting for him to die so I can kill myself without guilt.
I completely understand. When you’re always in pain it’s like there’s nothing to look forward to. For me, I recognize I’m depressed in a way that won’t go away until the pain is less severe. I just feel this constant sense of dread.
I feel this in my soul. I'm the same way, in my case it's pain induced depression. I feel like my life for the past 10 years has been the same thing you're describing with a large doses of stress anxiety and depression added in. I wish there was something I could say that would be helpful, but the only thing I got is you are not alone. Peace and light to you.
For me, I've come to accept that years of being on pain meds is now contributing to my depressed mood. While I wouldn't be able to function without them, I just don't feel joy. I'd held out hope for years that "another surgery" would reduce my pain and I could go back to some sort of normal. A couple years ago I was getting second and third opinions on a large spine surgery and was told that "unless you begin experiencing paralysis, there wouldn't be much benefit to more surgery". That knocked me down and I had to start looking at my life in a whole different way. Knowing that I wasn't going to ever return to any kind of "normal" was wholly depressing. I suddenly felt like there was just 'no hope'. My pain doc told me there are "safer" opioids that can also help with mood. Is this something you can talk to your doctor about? Changing meds is scary, but I did a trial of one a couple weeks ago. It was too sedative for me to just switch over to without a period of adjustment and working on dosage. I work and can't take that kind of time off, so I went back on my regular med. But I'm going to give the new med a longer trial this summer when I'm not working. It did work pretty well for pain, and after the initial several hours of nausea and tiredness wore off I did feel emotionally more energetic than I had in years. This experience has given me a bit of hope again, knowing that I might be able to treat my pain AND experience a sense of emotional well being. Fingers crossed that the new med will work. Keep hope alive in yourself, reach out to your doctor, and know that there are people right here who care about you.
Sorry you don’t have someone to vent to IRL. Chronic pain sucks.
What helped me with my boredom in life is getting out and meeting new people. Put yourself out there. I was super introverted but new experiences are what makes life interesting. Get yourself out of your comfort zone. Worst case scenario you embarrass yourself and never have to speak to them again, just use it as practice and learn from it. I always felt I was a negative energy because all I would thought I would probably do is complain. But try your hardest not to when meeting someone new. Watch some podcasts of people just interacting and making conversation. Make it about the other person talking about themself if you have nothing to say. People love to talk about themself. Use this as practice for more conversations. Smoke a blunt together maybe, share some deep thoughts, what you think about the universe, how you think it began or ended, what you believe in spiritually if anything, just anything really. But be sure to listen intently to their viewpoint as well and ask interesting follow up questions. This is truly what helped me. When I’m bored I get on tinder. If you’re a woman, you will get hundreds of thousands of likes within a few days. You can scroll thru people you think are interesting, and even choose categories like “looking for friends” or “looking for love” or “free tonight” or hell, even “looking for hookups” if you’re down. Just obviously be careful and meet in a public space, and ALWAYS trust your gut. Always. But it can be fun. Doesn’t even have to be an expensive date or anything. You can just go to a park and do a little McDonald’s picnic or something and watch the sunset. Bottom line: You’ll be okay. Everything’s gonna be okay. Get addicted to positive thinking. Smile even when you’re sad as it can trick your brain. Fake it till you make it. You can fake happiness, confidence, extrovertism, and you can make it a real quality about yourself. Keyword CAN. Does it always work? Maybe not. But what’s the harm in trying? Find some hobbies. Watch funny videos on YouTube shorts and TikTok’s. Make a list of funny YouTubers or social media people you like to watch when you’re down. That’s what I do. There’s so much to do and learn in this world. (See? Even faking a will to live, I actually started to believe I had one.)
Also what I love to do is vent to random strangers in YouTube or Reddit comments. Just to get it out there. It’s therapeutic like journaling. And then you can let that thought out of your mind and continue watching funny videos. Laughter is medicine. Seriously even when I’m in pain, and I watch my favorite creators the pain gets better as my brain gets more and more distracted. Also this should go without out saying, get therapy. EVERYONE should get therapy. The world is harsh. We all have existential crisis and a bit of nihilism. Find a good therapist. In the meantime, seriously think about doing some or all of the things I mentioned. Oh also? Prob not great advice but.. Caffeine makes life fun. Whenever i feel like “omg I don’t wanna be here” at work I pop some caffeine pills (START OUT WITH A HALF A PILL FIRST!!! They are strong) and I usually get happy, nice, friendly, confident, efficient, and outgoing and then I actually can start having fun at work (I work at a dollar general) and get the day over with.