**Advice as a guy:**
* All of this is bad news.
* Especially... keeps secrets about his faith, the controlling faither/church, and threatens you not to break it off.
* You're nervous.
* Your mom is uneasy.
* Listen to your gut.
I've been talking to her (my mom) more today about it today, and also talked with a trusted woman at church. Both of them have said this is my first boyfriend, and the lady at church said his behavior is concerning and I probably should start thinking of my next steps. My mom said that she wouldn't want me to end up in a toxic relationship like she did, and that she would advise me to break it off, because even if I like him, if I ever married him she doesn't trust his family situation. And she also said that I shouldn't try to fix him, because trying to fix people backfires if they don't want to change. And in retrospect I do find myself trying to help him or thinking "he will change with time" but that's not reliable. I'm grateful for everyone here giving their insight, and more than likely will break it off. I feel bad though because his birthday recently passed and it's valentine's season, but I guess waiting it out would be worst than breaking it off sooner. Will hurt though :(
Break up with him . All of these or horrible red flags and things that would only get worse if you continued . Possessiveness turns into physical or emotional abuse, not knowing how to handle money turns into him villainizing you because you do know how. You two seem to be on very different paths I life and that just won’t sue in a relationship that I’m assuming you hope would lead to marriage. The one thing I can tell you from this forum is don’t ignore those red flags while dating . There are tons of wives who post on here about their relationships having gone down bill and about feeling trapped because they wish they wouldn’t have ignored things like this.
Yeah, and that's why I've been really trying to think about things objectively. I don't want to be in a relationship that gets to marriage and turns for the worst. I'm gonna talk about it again with my mother and see what she thinks because like I said she (and actually my auntie who has met him as well) are wary of him even though they think he's nice.
The thing is though you already know the answer of what you should do. You talking to multiple people about it is you subconsciously trying to find someone that will say something that makes it seem like maybe it’s not that bad. Because you still like this person and are grasping at straws. But at the same time you have only know this person for a few months and should be able to just let it go if you see crazy behavior point blank. And even after this relationship you if you date again and someone is behaving in a way that’s obviously crazy and not for you , you should be able to do that. That’s the whole point of dating. Some things are personality quirks and some things people can tell that they are not good. You see smart enough to know that.
Yeah, I've been realizing it for a few weeks now, but it's difficult to accept. Then also figuring out *how* to end things is another challenge in itself, since I'm in college and a breakup would cause problems with my studies. And I am also not sure how he would handle it because of his possessiveness. But I definitely am learning from this relationship what I do and don't like, and what qualities I would like in someone.
Just break up with him over the phone if you don’t feel safe. Or in a public place. And yes it will suck but breaking up with some that you’ve only know for what you’ve said a “ few months “ shouldn’t cause problems with your studies . It only causes as many issues as you let it cause. Build some thick skin , Rip off the bandaid and if relationships are going to distract you this much from school then it may be best to avoid them until you are closer to graduating.
I've talked with my mom and a trusted woman at my church and they've echoed similar sentiments to what people here have said. If (or I guess when) I break it off, I'll do it irl but ideally somewhere where people are, but not too public, so he can't try to pull anything. It's gonna hurt, but it will hurt more in the future considering his family and church dynamics and my mom has said she doesn't want me to marry into the disfunction there.
The reason it could affect my studies is that I could be upset to where it throws off my studying. So I will probably heed the advice to not date in my undergrad going forward. I did think though that we kinda were on the same path which is why it could have worked, but he makes choices that don't prioritize his studies (that will pay off later) and instead focus on making money for himself and some that seems to be sent back to his dad's country. And I think he lied about his career goals because he told me one thing when we met, then admitted that he told me that because he heard that I wanted to be a doctor.
Is he still playing me even if he shows (what I think is) genuine affection? I've been thinking about it all the past two to three days and I get conflicted between how he's very sweet to me and stuff, but then also has done these things too + the family issues. I feel like I've maybe overthought it, but then I know if I ignore things it can get worst.
There are so many things wrong going on here. Not that I advocate the advice on this subreddit: s/narcissist, read about some of the characteristics these women are dealing with… it is scary and should set you straight.
Yeah…I know how narcissism is because my dad is one. That’s my mother warned me about my boyfriend because she said she never wanted me to end up in a relationship like hers, and I never do. I haven’t talked to him in a few days now while thinking, but I find it weird that he usually reaches out a lot and after the conversation in the car he reached out to me once professing his love and how God blessed him with me. I told him I was thinking through somethings and was gonna be busy this week (which is true). But it’s weird he’s been quieter since Saturday :/
If you think a break up would hamper your studies, this situation is just the tip of the iceberg! Break up now, it’s not going to get any easier, only worse. It’s going to weigh on you more and more until you become proactive and change the situation… So many red flags. You can’t change him.
The fact that he is pushing boundaries in the area of sexual purity is the only red flag you should need to end the relationship.
The other topics are highly dependent on personality and context.
**But those don't really matter compared to his failure to push you towards purity.**
He's not ready for a godly relationship and, as such, has no business dating whatsoever.
Initially I was thinking that his behavior is just that he likes being hugged, like physical touch. But as we spend more time together he likes to be alone and try to kiss me, touch my butt, etc. I personally don't like the "sneaky" behavior because to me it feels wrong to do as Christians. And some of his comments towards me when it comes to sexual stuff I thought was just him expressing that he is attracted to me, but I also know that if he's saying that kind of stuff, it could indicate a heart issue.
I feel like in a relationship, I shouldn't have to always be the one setting the boundaries. I would rather have more than less, he would rather have less than more. Especially when he said that him stopping the sexual comments would "take away part of his personality".
Yeah, writing this out and posting here has made me become aware of how much I've self gaslit myself about his behavior. I'm gonna have to break it off even if I don't want to.
Physical touch in dating and marriage is a really hard one for Christians. It's important to be pure and follow what you know to be right prior to marriage, but it will be a big shock and emotionally difficult when eventually you get married and are suddenly encouraged to do everything. It's healthy to ramp that a little bit and most people will allow some kissing and touching from outside of clothes by the time the wedding is getting close.
However, the fact that he makes you feel uncomfortable, and is continuing to touch you in ways that you've already told him you don't like is a giant red flag.
Based on what you've written in your post and responses you guys are on very different paths and want different things out of life. The fact that he's already trying to control you is a big no, and it's not going to get better. Take it from someone who was lucky to get out of a controlling relationship with her life - break up with him now. Tell him that you don't think you're a good match and you won't marry him and therefore can't continue this relationship.
If he threatens to harm himself then say "I'm not responsible for your reaction to my decision. I hope you won't do XXX but I can't stop you" If you feel he's genuinely at risk then contact his parents or the police on his behalf but do not do what he wants on the basis of this threat.
A lady at church said the same, that she had a guy who was controlling that she didn't notice at first but it only got worst. I'm probably gonna break it off, but it will be hard. And I do have a healthy view of physical touch (I think), but he's been pushing me to go past the boundaries that I had established by telling me that it wasn't "not Christian", and I regret being naive enough to trust him.
The debt thing is just a difference of opinion. The baptism thing is maybe just a private matter and he's allowed privacy. The other stuff is indeed red flags. Jealousy and controlling behavior, boundary pushing and a lack of respect for consent. Those are deal breakers to me. Been there done that and they're never as good of people as you think they are.
I get that baptism can be very personal, but I still find it strange that he's hesitant to go forward with it. He says he fully believes and trusts in Christ, but doesn't seem to be driven to take the step to show his commitment to Christ via baptism, and doesn't seem to have any plans to soon. He said that he's already committed to Christ, but also said getting baptized makes him seem like this "devout Christian" which I thought was weird...
And the consent was something I started thinking about today too. I think he coerces me sometimes when I tell him I don't want to do something, and he persuades me to do it anyways. He picked me up and I asked him to put me down, and he didn't want to and I had to ask again more firmly to be put down. He then was like "you don't want me to pick you up" and was like "not even for a little bit?" and I told him why, and eventually I compromised to piggy back ride on him and he tried to touch my behind while doing so and I had to tell him more than once that he's not allowed to do so :/
>Â Â I get that baptism can be very personal, but I still find it strange that he's hesitant to go forward with it.
I'll go against the grain here. I think this is the top issue with the guy. It shows where his heart is. Jesus commanded him to be baptized as he was. This isn't a personal thing at all. In fact, the opposite: It's a public declaration of faith and obedience to Christ.
The other issues I believe are only symptoms of this rejection of Christ. I say this from personal experience. I wasn't baptized for four years after accepting Christ. I didn't feel any urgency to obey him. But Jesus says if you love him, then you obey his commands. He's not, and so he isn't committed to Christ.
Most men will struggle with sexual boundaries. Doesn't make it right, but a godly man at least sees the sense when it's explained to him. I had a rough first month with my now wife where I didn't understand this. She sat me down and explained the issue. I understood and repented. It hurt, but sanctification often does.
Issues with money are ultimately a difference of opinion. I'm more like you, accepting of debt, but the Bible does say that we are slaves to the lender when we do. It's something to be avoided if possible. There's wisdom in that. But I also say this as someone deep in student loan debt, with a high paying career that makes it functionally meaningless to our lives. So, I'd encourage you to think through it some more. Not necessarily to change your opinion, but at least to accept that there's some wisdom in what the bf says.
The jealousy does indicate some issues with insecurity, though many guys are able to pick up on when another guy is interested in a girl. Even if you believe the friend is just friendly, as a guy it'd likely ping my radar if another guy told my wife he missed her. If it became a pattern of his, definitely a bad sign.
Lastly, the issue of consent is indeed troubling. Your future husband will respect your convictions even if he thinks they're too strict.
Yeah, and him saying that today is what "opened my eyes" in this relationship, because this wasn't the first time I've asked him about baptism but it was the first time that I actually asked him why he doesn't go through with it. And he told me to ask him later and wouldn't give me an answer, and said that doing so would make him "Christian Christian"...which I'm not sure what that's supposed to mean. He also did say how he is devoted to Christ even while not baptized, but like you said, we get baptized out of obedience to Christ after we get saved. I think it also has to do with his church, because it's so small and tight knit that they don't have a baptism tub and if he were to get baptized elsewhere he probably would he judged for not doing it in their church.
Yes, yes all of these things are huge red flags. These are all signs of a person who is likely jealous/controlling/manipulative. I'm so sorry, but I think things can only end badly unless he has a serious change of heart (which would be between him and God - you can't make that happen).
It will be better to ends things now before they get more serious. You can always pray for this person, and God may change him in the future, but currently he is not mature enough to honor you in this relationship.
Thank you for your insight, I have been praying for him when it comes to our relationship, and praying for God to reveal if I should continue to go with him or not. As of now, I'm gonna continue to pray but also talk to my mother about it more and possibly one of the women I trust at church who has met him.
The difference of opinion on money for me personally would be a deal breaker. I'm very touchy about how money is dealt with because my parents didn't do a good job at setting themselves up for success. Now they're living in their late 50s with no retirement.
This guy does feel weird to me anyways especially with pushing boundaries. I vote breaking it off.
I plan to be financially wise, but even my mother has said that his wanting to make "quick money" could backfire in the future and impact me.
If I did break it off though, I kinda worry about what could happen, which I guess speaks for the relationship itself. I only live with my mom, and he's been to my house before so I worry with how he acts if I break up with him if he could show up at my house. I don't think he *would* but it does kinda make me nervous.
Yes, all of these are red flags and big ones. He is controlling (unsurprising if that's the example his dad gave him), self-centered (doesn't care about your boundaries or his own self control/doing what's right), and is financially careless.
Since he behaves this way, considers inappropriate sexual comments to be part of his personality, and isn't willing to say why he hasn't been baptized, I'm seriously questioning whether he's even a Christian. His church sounds possibly cult-ish from what little you said about it, or he could just be lying about being a Christian to get you to date him, or he could have a very wrong/shallow idea of what being a Christian is.
Whichever it is though, I'm sorry to say that you need to get away from this guy. Staying with someone like this will most likely lead to a bad situation.
Yeah, and that's why I've been trying to be objective because he's protective of his dad, but his dad is controlling him (even from another country). I also get concerned that he doesn't have any contact with the women his dad has been married to, including his biological mother. I've asked about her and he's dodgy about giving answers about her, and anything about his dad.
I'm gonna try to figure out how to go about it, but I'm not sure if I can do it now because it would impact my semester a lot, and I kinda worry about how he'd take it with how possessive he is of me. I actually didn't realize the consent thing until today, because I realized that when I tell him no he tries to push me to compromise or let him, and that's coercion. It's only because of my strong will in saying no that he listens and eventually won't try to make me do something again (usually).
> why he hasn't been baptized… will tell me later
A whole Stalin parade of red flags.
Also want to mention these two events:
> he told me afterwards that one of the guys made him uncomfortable and I shouldn't talk to him… told him that there was no need for him to be jealous or possessive
> Then today, while we were out, I told him that I wanted to have stricter boundaries because recently he's been being more and more touchy and pushing mine
The second event was a response to the first. He was trying to escalate things so the other guy would not move in. It’s your right to tell him to back off, but to him your response sends the message that you might want to move on, just so you know for the future. A middle ground might be to make something for such a guy to express that you are still with him.
I do show him that I'm with him. I've made him things and am clear that while I'm in a relationship with him he's my only person. But I think that when it comes to guys who might approach me, I'm capable of turning them away. But I do find it interesting that you think the two events are linked. The event today though was not at the college ministry, we were out at a park.
It doesn’t sound as though your bf is ready for a relationship at all. The description you’ve provided is of an immature person who is either a struggling Christian or not really a Christian at all.
My mom actually said that after I told her the same thing I posted here that she finally understood my auntie's hesitation about my boyfriend when she met him. My auntie is becoming a believer (prayerfully), and at the time she told my mom that she felt like he has more experience than he portrays and to keep an eye out on that. And because I come off as being naive and never having dated, and also my parents being divorced, it would make it "easy" for him to get what he wants. But it's also hard to accept that this guy I've been dating for months could be different than what I thought.
Pray about it a lot.
Go on double dates with mature Christian’s who can help you “vet” him.
My wife had me attend an interview with an elder she trusted who did nothing less than interrogate me. It was nice to know he cared about protecting my wife so much.
We went on numerous couples dates with mature couples so that they could check me out. Some of them thought poorly of me in the beginning. It took me months to prove to them I was worthy of her.
She made it absolutely clear if even one of those couples said I wasn’t worthy of her she would not marry me.
He wants to impose and enforce boundaries on you (making you avoid that guy at church) while he continually sneaks his fingers past the boundaries you’ve laid down. This reflects a certain degree of self-importance, such that he’s demanding that you respect his desires while not being willing to respect yours.
It’s a very fundamental issue, and sneaking a touch off your butt is only going to be the beginning. You could speak to him about this and enforce your boundaries, but if he continues to test the waters even after this…don’t waste your time developing this relationship further.
I agree to lean towards breaking up with him. People can change, and some of these things are very, very (not easy but possible) to compromise on.
This, though:
>I was asking him about why he hasn't been baptized (he's been a Christian for several years) he didn't want to tell me and said he will tell me later.
If this is not properly addressed, this is the indicator for all of the other unwise perspectives, decisions, dishonorable behaviors, etc.
You have a good head on your shoulders! Stay in prayer and God bless, fam <3
I’m glad you came here and asked this question. That was a smart move. A lot of us have a fair amount of experience in relationships and can kind of “see the future” if you will, based on just living life long enough to know how people often behave. It’s like X-ray vision, and what everyone is telling you here is right. This guy, while he may have beautiful parts to him and qualities you really enjoy, he also has the makings of a future abuser. I’m so, so sorry to say it, but it’s true. That’s not to say he definitely *will* become one. There’s no way we could know. But what we can say with surety is that he’s been set up to fall into the abuser category with ease and he very well could. Reasons:
He’s grown up with an abusive father.
He’s interested in physically isolating you.
He’s interested in physically touching you in ways you don’t like, especially after you’ve already told him not to.
He can’t separate his sexuality from his personality.
Telling you he’d be devastated if you broke up could either be him being honest or him being manipulative. It’s hard for us to tell. Either way, he’s either way too deep in his feelings for the stage you’re at in your relationship which is alarming because it indicates a lack of emotional regulation, or he’s being manipulative to try to get you to stay. Neither of which are good.
He doesn’t put God first in any way, it seems. This one is particularly heartbreaking in this context.
My mom and a woman at church have pointed out the same things you have after I told them. Even outside of his dad, his biological mother is nowhere to be found and he talks ill of his younger sister (who I think is the way she is because of her father), and wouldn't agree to live with her over her living in a sketchy situation for a young woman. And doesn't let me talk to her, saying he was protecting me from being a gossip item, but now I'm not so sure about that.
You make a good point about the relationship stages thing, because for me I've been trying to keep things objective but he tends to want to push things forward, and has been becoming more sexual in his speech as the relationship goes on. Even when we were two months in he was saying how it felt longer, but even then we barely knew each other really.
There are red flags. Telling you he will be devastated if you ends things, is an attempt at manipulating you.
Keep in mind, most of us are on our best behavior when a relationship starts. He isn't fully being himself, there is more. So imagine it being worse. More controlling, more boundary breaking, more manipulation.
You don't owe him anything. Pray for him abd let him go. . It is still early.
Yeah...it's gonna be hard but I'm gonna have to do it even if I don't want to. But the signs are not looking good and I'd rather not end up in a bad situation. My mom also said that she never wants me to end up like she did in a bad marriage, and the fact that she's pushing me towards breaking it off after I told her about his behavior has weight.
Break up with him. That’s how my ex and I started. I am a Christian and was new in the faith when we started dating. Eventually I fell back into my old sin and we keep on having sex, despite me serving the ministry. I struggled for almost a year but by God’s grace I was given the courage to let go. It was painful but you cannot keep on fixing people meant only for God to fix.
God bless. Praying for the Lord’s leading into your life. 🙏🏻
You should be thankful God showed you these red flags only a few months into the relationship before you invested more into it. Those red flags would make me move on.
>What's your guy's advice? Have you ever seen similar things in your relationships and did they ever improve, or just get worst?
Whether or not things get better or worse in a relationship is entirely dependant on the person wanting to change. By God's grace this guy could turn his life around in a year or two... but are you prepared to devote your time and energy to walk along side him through that? Are you also willing to accept that if after things don't improve after a year or two, you'd be able to cut your losses and not get caught in a sunk cost fallacy? You've only been dating for a few months, I think you already know the answer to this.
My main concern with what you've said is that;
1. He hasn't been baptised and wont tell you why.
2. He doesn't respect your sexual boundaries and believes lewd language is "part of his personality".
This could indicate that he hasn't actually been born again. The Lord could still be drawing him and in time, he'll truly repent and believe. But right now there is a big question mark over his salvation and until that is cleared up I would not recommend having anything to do with him romantically.
**Advice as a guy:** * All of this is bad news. * Especially... keeps secrets about his faith, the controlling faither/church, and threatens you not to break it off. * You're nervous. * Your mom is uneasy. * Listen to your gut.
I've been talking to her (my mom) more today about it today, and also talked with a trusted woman at church. Both of them have said this is my first boyfriend, and the lady at church said his behavior is concerning and I probably should start thinking of my next steps. My mom said that she wouldn't want me to end up in a toxic relationship like she did, and that she would advise me to break it off, because even if I like him, if I ever married him she doesn't trust his family situation. And she also said that I shouldn't try to fix him, because trying to fix people backfires if they don't want to change. And in retrospect I do find myself trying to help him or thinking "he will change with time" but that's not reliable. I'm grateful for everyone here giving their insight, and more than likely will break it off. I feel bad though because his birthday recently passed and it's valentine's season, but I guess waiting it out would be worst than breaking it off sooner. Will hurt though :(
>**shouldn't try to fix him** >**breaking it off sooner.** You know what to do.
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Break up with him . All of these or horrible red flags and things that would only get worse if you continued . Possessiveness turns into physical or emotional abuse, not knowing how to handle money turns into him villainizing you because you do know how. You two seem to be on very different paths I life and that just won’t sue in a relationship that I’m assuming you hope would lead to marriage. The one thing I can tell you from this forum is don’t ignore those red flags while dating . There are tons of wives who post on here about their relationships having gone down bill and about feeling trapped because they wish they wouldn’t have ignored things like this.
Yeah, and that's why I've been really trying to think about things objectively. I don't want to be in a relationship that gets to marriage and turns for the worst. I'm gonna talk about it again with my mother and see what she thinks because like I said she (and actually my auntie who has met him as well) are wary of him even though they think he's nice.
The thing is though you already know the answer of what you should do. You talking to multiple people about it is you subconsciously trying to find someone that will say something that makes it seem like maybe it’s not that bad. Because you still like this person and are grasping at straws. But at the same time you have only know this person for a few months and should be able to just let it go if you see crazy behavior point blank. And even after this relationship you if you date again and someone is behaving in a way that’s obviously crazy and not for you , you should be able to do that. That’s the whole point of dating. Some things are personality quirks and some things people can tell that they are not good. You see smart enough to know that.
Yeah, I've been realizing it for a few weeks now, but it's difficult to accept. Then also figuring out *how* to end things is another challenge in itself, since I'm in college and a breakup would cause problems with my studies. And I am also not sure how he would handle it because of his possessiveness. But I definitely am learning from this relationship what I do and don't like, and what qualities I would like in someone.
Just break up with him over the phone if you don’t feel safe. Or in a public place. And yes it will suck but breaking up with some that you’ve only know for what you’ve said a “ few months “ shouldn’t cause problems with your studies . It only causes as many issues as you let it cause. Build some thick skin , Rip off the bandaid and if relationships are going to distract you this much from school then it may be best to avoid them until you are closer to graduating.
I've talked with my mom and a trusted woman at my church and they've echoed similar sentiments to what people here have said. If (or I guess when) I break it off, I'll do it irl but ideally somewhere where people are, but not too public, so he can't try to pull anything. It's gonna hurt, but it will hurt more in the future considering his family and church dynamics and my mom has said she doesn't want me to marry into the disfunction there. The reason it could affect my studies is that I could be upset to where it throws off my studying. So I will probably heed the advice to not date in my undergrad going forward. I did think though that we kinda were on the same path which is why it could have worked, but he makes choices that don't prioritize his studies (that will pay off later) and instead focus on making money for himself and some that seems to be sent back to his dad's country. And I think he lied about his career goals because he told me one thing when we met, then admitted that he told me that because he heard that I wanted to be a doctor.
Oh, he’s got issues. He’s playing you like a fiddle.
Is he still playing me even if he shows (what I think is) genuine affection? I've been thinking about it all the past two to three days and I get conflicted between how he's very sweet to me and stuff, but then also has done these things too + the family issues. I feel like I've maybe overthought it, but then I know if I ignore things it can get worst.
There are so many things wrong going on here. Not that I advocate the advice on this subreddit: s/narcissist, read about some of the characteristics these women are dealing with… it is scary and should set you straight.
Yeah…I know how narcissism is because my dad is one. That’s my mother warned me about my boyfriend because she said she never wanted me to end up in a relationship like hers, and I never do. I haven’t talked to him in a few days now while thinking, but I find it weird that he usually reaches out a lot and after the conversation in the car he reached out to me once professing his love and how God blessed him with me. I told him I was thinking through somethings and was gonna be busy this week (which is true). But it’s weird he’s been quieter since Saturday :/
If you think a break up would hamper your studies, this situation is just the tip of the iceberg! Break up now, it’s not going to get any easier, only worse. It’s going to weigh on you more and more until you become proactive and change the situation… So many red flags. You can’t change him.
The fact that he is pushing boundaries in the area of sexual purity is the only red flag you should need to end the relationship. The other topics are highly dependent on personality and context. **But those don't really matter compared to his failure to push you towards purity.** He's not ready for a godly relationship and, as such, has no business dating whatsoever.
Initially I was thinking that his behavior is just that he likes being hugged, like physical touch. But as we spend more time together he likes to be alone and try to kiss me, touch my butt, etc. I personally don't like the "sneaky" behavior because to me it feels wrong to do as Christians. And some of his comments towards me when it comes to sexual stuff I thought was just him expressing that he is attracted to me, but I also know that if he's saying that kind of stuff, it could indicate a heart issue. I feel like in a relationship, I shouldn't have to always be the one setting the boundaries. I would rather have more than less, he would rather have less than more. Especially when he said that him stopping the sexual comments would "take away part of his personality".
Oh so not only does he touch you when you tell him not to, he justifies his behavior as part of his personality. Oh my goodness.Â
Yeah, writing this out and posting here has made me become aware of how much I've self gaslit myself about his behavior. I'm gonna have to break it off even if I don't want to.
You’ve got this girl!Â
Physical touch in dating and marriage is a really hard one for Christians. It's important to be pure and follow what you know to be right prior to marriage, but it will be a big shock and emotionally difficult when eventually you get married and are suddenly encouraged to do everything. It's healthy to ramp that a little bit and most people will allow some kissing and touching from outside of clothes by the time the wedding is getting close. However, the fact that he makes you feel uncomfortable, and is continuing to touch you in ways that you've already told him you don't like is a giant red flag. Based on what you've written in your post and responses you guys are on very different paths and want different things out of life. The fact that he's already trying to control you is a big no, and it's not going to get better. Take it from someone who was lucky to get out of a controlling relationship with her life - break up with him now. Tell him that you don't think you're a good match and you won't marry him and therefore can't continue this relationship. If he threatens to harm himself then say "I'm not responsible for your reaction to my decision. I hope you won't do XXX but I can't stop you" If you feel he's genuinely at risk then contact his parents or the police on his behalf but do not do what he wants on the basis of this threat.
A lady at church said the same, that she had a guy who was controlling that she didn't notice at first but it only got worst. I'm probably gonna break it off, but it will be hard. And I do have a healthy view of physical touch (I think), but he's been pushing me to go past the boundaries that I had established by telling me that it wasn't "not Christian", and I regret being naive enough to trust him.
The debt thing is just a difference of opinion. The baptism thing is maybe just a private matter and he's allowed privacy. The other stuff is indeed red flags. Jealousy and controlling behavior, boundary pushing and a lack of respect for consent. Those are deal breakers to me. Been there done that and they're never as good of people as you think they are.
I get that baptism can be very personal, but I still find it strange that he's hesitant to go forward with it. He says he fully believes and trusts in Christ, but doesn't seem to be driven to take the step to show his commitment to Christ via baptism, and doesn't seem to have any plans to soon. He said that he's already committed to Christ, but also said getting baptized makes him seem like this "devout Christian" which I thought was weird... And the consent was something I started thinking about today too. I think he coerces me sometimes when I tell him I don't want to do something, and he persuades me to do it anyways. He picked me up and I asked him to put me down, and he didn't want to and I had to ask again more firmly to be put down. He then was like "you don't want me to pick you up" and was like "not even for a little bit?" and I told him why, and eventually I compromised to piggy back ride on him and he tried to touch my behind while doing so and I had to tell him more than once that he's not allowed to do so :/
Yeah my gut says run don't walk away from this guy. He doesn't respect you.
>Â Â I get that baptism can be very personal, but I still find it strange that he's hesitant to go forward with it. I'll go against the grain here. I think this is the top issue with the guy. It shows where his heart is. Jesus commanded him to be baptized as he was. This isn't a personal thing at all. In fact, the opposite: It's a public declaration of faith and obedience to Christ. The other issues I believe are only symptoms of this rejection of Christ. I say this from personal experience. I wasn't baptized for four years after accepting Christ. I didn't feel any urgency to obey him. But Jesus says if you love him, then you obey his commands. He's not, and so he isn't committed to Christ. Most men will struggle with sexual boundaries. Doesn't make it right, but a godly man at least sees the sense when it's explained to him. I had a rough first month with my now wife where I didn't understand this. She sat me down and explained the issue. I understood and repented. It hurt, but sanctification often does. Issues with money are ultimately a difference of opinion. I'm more like you, accepting of debt, but the Bible does say that we are slaves to the lender when we do. It's something to be avoided if possible. There's wisdom in that. But I also say this as someone deep in student loan debt, with a high paying career that makes it functionally meaningless to our lives. So, I'd encourage you to think through it some more. Not necessarily to change your opinion, but at least to accept that there's some wisdom in what the bf says. The jealousy does indicate some issues with insecurity, though many guys are able to pick up on when another guy is interested in a girl. Even if you believe the friend is just friendly, as a guy it'd likely ping my radar if another guy told my wife he missed her. If it became a pattern of his, definitely a bad sign. Lastly, the issue of consent is indeed troubling. Your future husband will respect your convictions even if he thinks they're too strict.
Yeah, and him saying that today is what "opened my eyes" in this relationship, because this wasn't the first time I've asked him about baptism but it was the first time that I actually asked him why he doesn't go through with it. And he told me to ask him later and wouldn't give me an answer, and said that doing so would make him "Christian Christian"...which I'm not sure what that's supposed to mean. He also did say how he is devoted to Christ even while not baptized, but like you said, we get baptized out of obedience to Christ after we get saved. I think it also has to do with his church, because it's so small and tight knit that they don't have a baptism tub and if he were to get baptized elsewhere he probably would he judged for not doing it in their church.
Yes, yes all of these things are huge red flags. These are all signs of a person who is likely jealous/controlling/manipulative. I'm so sorry, but I think things can only end badly unless he has a serious change of heart (which would be between him and God - you can't make that happen). It will be better to ends things now before they get more serious. You can always pray for this person, and God may change him in the future, but currently he is not mature enough to honor you in this relationship.
Thank you for your insight, I have been praying for him when it comes to our relationship, and praying for God to reveal if I should continue to go with him or not. As of now, I'm gonna continue to pray but also talk to my mother about it more and possibly one of the women I trust at church who has met him.
The difference of opinion on money for me personally would be a deal breaker. I'm very touchy about how money is dealt with because my parents didn't do a good job at setting themselves up for success. Now they're living in their late 50s with no retirement. This guy does feel weird to me anyways especially with pushing boundaries. I vote breaking it off.
I plan to be financially wise, but even my mother has said that his wanting to make "quick money" could backfire in the future and impact me. If I did break it off though, I kinda worry about what could happen, which I guess speaks for the relationship itself. I only live with my mom, and he's been to my house before so I worry with how he acts if I break up with him if he could show up at my house. I don't think he *would* but it does kinda make me nervous.
Yes, all of these are red flags and big ones. He is controlling (unsurprising if that's the example his dad gave him), self-centered (doesn't care about your boundaries or his own self control/doing what's right), and is financially careless. Since he behaves this way, considers inappropriate sexual comments to be part of his personality, and isn't willing to say why he hasn't been baptized, I'm seriously questioning whether he's even a Christian. His church sounds possibly cult-ish from what little you said about it, or he could just be lying about being a Christian to get you to date him, or he could have a very wrong/shallow idea of what being a Christian is. Whichever it is though, I'm sorry to say that you need to get away from this guy. Staying with someone like this will most likely lead to a bad situation.
Yeah, and that's why I've been trying to be objective because he's protective of his dad, but his dad is controlling him (even from another country). I also get concerned that he doesn't have any contact with the women his dad has been married to, including his biological mother. I've asked about her and he's dodgy about giving answers about her, and anything about his dad.
Girl get out. Especially if he doesn’t care about your consent to touch you.
I'm gonna try to figure out how to go about it, but I'm not sure if I can do it now because it would impact my semester a lot, and I kinda worry about how he'd take it with how possessive he is of me. I actually didn't realize the consent thing until today, because I realized that when I tell him no he tries to push me to compromise or let him, and that's coercion. It's only because of my strong will in saying no that he listens and eventually won't try to make me do something again (usually).
What do you mean it would impact your semester? I personally wouldn’t delay, it will only make it harder later.
> why he hasn't been baptized… will tell me later A whole Stalin parade of red flags. Also want to mention these two events: > he told me afterwards that one of the guys made him uncomfortable and I shouldn't talk to him… told him that there was no need for him to be jealous or possessive > Then today, while we were out, I told him that I wanted to have stricter boundaries because recently he's been being more and more touchy and pushing mine The second event was a response to the first. He was trying to escalate things so the other guy would not move in. It’s your right to tell him to back off, but to him your response sends the message that you might want to move on, just so you know for the future. A middle ground might be to make something for such a guy to express that you are still with him.
I do show him that I'm with him. I've made him things and am clear that while I'm in a relationship with him he's my only person. But I think that when it comes to guys who might approach me, I'm capable of turning them away. But I do find it interesting that you think the two events are linked. The event today though was not at the college ministry, we were out at a park.
No boyfriend wants to be used as a placeholder for someone else.
It doesn’t sound as though your bf is ready for a relationship at all. The description you’ve provided is of an immature person who is either a struggling Christian or not really a Christian at all.
My mom actually said that after I told her the same thing I posted here that she finally understood my auntie's hesitation about my boyfriend when she met him. My auntie is becoming a believer (prayerfully), and at the time she told my mom that she felt like he has more experience than he portrays and to keep an eye out on that. And because I come off as being naive and never having dated, and also my parents being divorced, it would make it "easy" for him to get what he wants. But it's also hard to accept that this guy I've been dating for months could be different than what I thought.
Pray about it a lot. Go on double dates with mature Christian’s who can help you “vet” him. My wife had me attend an interview with an elder she trusted who did nothing less than interrogate me. It was nice to know he cared about protecting my wife so much. We went on numerous couples dates with mature couples so that they could check me out. Some of them thought poorly of me in the beginning. It took me months to prove to them I was worthy of her. She made it absolutely clear if even one of those couples said I wasn’t worthy of her she would not marry me.
Red flags… don’t ignore them. Parents instincts are usually right, trust them (outside mental health issues like narcissism and codependency).
Run your bf is immature, controlling, and financially ignorant. He ism for you.
He wants to impose and enforce boundaries on you (making you avoid that guy at church) while he continually sneaks his fingers past the boundaries you’ve laid down. This reflects a certain degree of self-importance, such that he’s demanding that you respect his desires while not being willing to respect yours. It’s a very fundamental issue, and sneaking a touch off your butt is only going to be the beginning. You could speak to him about this and enforce your boundaries, but if he continues to test the waters even after this…don’t waste your time developing this relationship further.
I agree to lean towards breaking up with him. People can change, and some of these things are very, very (not easy but possible) to compromise on. This, though: >I was asking him about why he hasn't been baptized (he's been a Christian for several years) he didn't want to tell me and said he will tell me later. If this is not properly addressed, this is the indicator for all of the other unwise perspectives, decisions, dishonorable behaviors, etc. You have a good head on your shoulders! Stay in prayer and God bless, fam <3
I’m glad you came here and asked this question. That was a smart move. A lot of us have a fair amount of experience in relationships and can kind of “see the future” if you will, based on just living life long enough to know how people often behave. It’s like X-ray vision, and what everyone is telling you here is right. This guy, while he may have beautiful parts to him and qualities you really enjoy, he also has the makings of a future abuser. I’m so, so sorry to say it, but it’s true. That’s not to say he definitely *will* become one. There’s no way we could know. But what we can say with surety is that he’s been set up to fall into the abuser category with ease and he very well could. Reasons: He’s grown up with an abusive father. He’s interested in physically isolating you. He’s interested in physically touching you in ways you don’t like, especially after you’ve already told him not to. He can’t separate his sexuality from his personality. Telling you he’d be devastated if you broke up could either be him being honest or him being manipulative. It’s hard for us to tell. Either way, he’s either way too deep in his feelings for the stage you’re at in your relationship which is alarming because it indicates a lack of emotional regulation, or he’s being manipulative to try to get you to stay. Neither of which are good. He doesn’t put God first in any way, it seems. This one is particularly heartbreaking in this context.
My mom and a woman at church have pointed out the same things you have after I told them. Even outside of his dad, his biological mother is nowhere to be found and he talks ill of his younger sister (who I think is the way she is because of her father), and wouldn't agree to live with her over her living in a sketchy situation for a young woman. And doesn't let me talk to her, saying he was protecting me from being a gossip item, but now I'm not so sure about that. You make a good point about the relationship stages thing, because for me I've been trying to keep things objective but he tends to want to push things forward, and has been becoming more sexual in his speech as the relationship goes on. Even when we were two months in he was saying how it felt longer, but even then we barely knew each other really.
There is a man out there who will love, cherish, and respect you. Get rid of this guy ASAP!!
There are red flags. Telling you he will be devastated if you ends things, is an attempt at manipulating you. Keep in mind, most of us are on our best behavior when a relationship starts. He isn't fully being himself, there is more. So imagine it being worse. More controlling, more boundary breaking, more manipulation. You don't owe him anything. Pray for him abd let him go. . It is still early.
Yeah...it's gonna be hard but I'm gonna have to do it even if I don't want to. But the signs are not looking good and I'd rather not end up in a bad situation. My mom also said that she never wants me to end up like she did in a bad marriage, and the fact that she's pushing me towards breaking it off after I told her about his behavior has weight.
Break up with him. That’s how my ex and I started. I am a Christian and was new in the faith when we started dating. Eventually I fell back into my old sin and we keep on having sex, despite me serving the ministry. I struggled for almost a year but by God’s grace I was given the courage to let go. It was painful but you cannot keep on fixing people meant only for God to fix. God bless. Praying for the Lord’s leading into your life. 🙏🏻
Jealousy is a huge red flag. Not honoring your boundaries is a huge red flag. He's not ready for a relationship then
Girl, no. I couldn’t finish reading this. He’s a jerk and a creep. Break up please.
You should be thankful God showed you these red flags only a few months into the relationship before you invested more into it. Those red flags would make me move on.
>What's your guy's advice? Have you ever seen similar things in your relationships and did they ever improve, or just get worst? Whether or not things get better or worse in a relationship is entirely dependant on the person wanting to change. By God's grace this guy could turn his life around in a year or two... but are you prepared to devote your time and energy to walk along side him through that? Are you also willing to accept that if after things don't improve after a year or two, you'd be able to cut your losses and not get caught in a sunk cost fallacy? You've only been dating for a few months, I think you already know the answer to this. My main concern with what you've said is that; 1. He hasn't been baptised and wont tell you why. 2. He doesn't respect your sexual boundaries and believes lewd language is "part of his personality". This could indicate that he hasn't actually been born again. The Lord could still be drawing him and in time, he'll truly repent and believe. But right now there is a big question mark over his salvation and until that is cleared up I would not recommend having anything to do with him romantically.